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1
00:00:04,891 --> 00:00:06,974
_
2
00:00:07,382 --> 00:00:10,223
Moving day. Boy, I'm really
gonna miss this house.
3
00:00:10,248 --> 00:00:11,426
Thank you so much, Mom and Dad.
4
00:00:11,451 --> 00:00:14,176
I don't know what we
would've done without you. Oh.
5
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,865
- Thanks, Dad.
- Oh, well, you would've stayed
6
00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:19,333
in a hotel with the insurance money
allocated for that purpose.
7
00:00:19,335 --> 00:00:21,135
Oh, no, this worked out way better.
8
00:00:21,137 --> 00:00:23,430
And to show you our
appreciation, I want you to be
9
00:00:23,455 --> 00:00:24,417
on the lookout for a little
10
00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:26,345
- special delivery thank you gift.
- Mmm.
11
00:00:26,370 --> 00:00:28,448
Oh, you guys not moving back in's
12
00:00:28,479 --> 00:00:29,720
- all the thanks we need.
- (CHUCKLES)
13
00:00:29,745 --> 00:00:31,501
(LAUGHS) Very funny, Dad.
14
00:00:31,526 --> 00:00:32,735
It's John.
15
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:33,948
Right. John. Right.
16
00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:35,683
SOPHIA: Miss you guys.
17
00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:37,402
Bye, Poop-Poop.
18
00:00:37,427 --> 00:00:39,193
Who taught you that?
19
00:00:43,985 --> 00:00:45,567
- Hey.
- Hi.
20
00:00:45,569 --> 00:00:46,735
What's in the box?
21
00:00:46,737 --> 00:00:48,437
Uh, the new toilet you ordered.
22
00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:50,607
Oh, I didn't order that.
23
00:00:50,632 --> 00:00:54,301
Oh! That might be a present
from my stupid son-in-law.
24
00:00:54,326 --> 00:00:57,045
That makes sense. He's put
a lot of miles on our toilet.
25
00:00:57,047 --> 00:00:59,014
- (CHUCKLES)
- Well, he must like you.
26
00:00:59,016 --> 00:01:01,250
It's one of those fancy
Japanese electric deals.
27
00:01:01,252 --> 00:01:02,818
(LAUGHS)
28
00:01:02,820 --> 00:01:05,254
Ah, that reminds me of a joke.
29
00:01:05,256 --> 00:01:07,466
- Are you Japanese?
- I am.
30
00:01:07,909 --> 00:01:09,658
Then never mind.
31
00:01:09,660 --> 00:01:11,160
(JOHN CHUCKLING)
32
00:01:11,162 --> 00:01:12,628
(GASPS)
33
00:01:12,630 --> 00:01:14,796
JOHN: Oh, what, no, don't be afraid.
34
00:01:14,798 --> 00:01:16,198
This is Tomo.
35
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,433
Tomo, this is Joanie.
36
00:01:18,435 --> 00:01:20,102
Joan-nee.
37
00:01:20,104 --> 00:01:21,737
(BELLS CHIME)
38
00:01:21,739 --> 00:01:24,840
Must everything be robotic?
39
00:01:24,842 --> 00:01:28,177
Please, get this out of the
house before it drowns us all.
40
00:01:28,179 --> 00:01:30,245
But this was a thank-you
gift from Tim and Heather.
41
00:01:30,247 --> 00:01:32,848
It took me five hours
to sync up our phones.
42
00:01:32,850 --> 00:01:34,883
You gave this my number?
43
00:01:34,885 --> 00:01:37,098
I don't want a toilet calling me.
44
00:01:37,123 --> 00:01:38,020
Oh, she won't.
45
00:01:38,022 --> 00:01:40,822
Um, but she will warm your butt cheeks.
46
00:01:40,824 --> 00:01:43,292
While she's reading you a book.
47
00:01:43,294 --> 00:01:45,027
Hop on.
48
00:01:45,029 --> 00:01:47,262
She's on the second chapter
of Mockingjay.
49
00:01:47,264 --> 00:01:49,665
I will not "hop on".
50
00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:53,168
You know how I feel about
peeing on something with a name.
51
00:01:53,170 --> 00:01:55,213
Oh, come on, Joanie. Give Tomo a chance.
52
00:01:55,238 --> 00:01:57,439
Just one little tinkle,
that's all I ask.
53
00:01:57,441 --> 00:02:00,342
I tinkle on my terms.
54
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:05,320
Aw.
55
00:02:05,345 --> 00:02:07,549
I'm sorry, Tomo. She'll come around.
56
00:02:07,941 --> 00:02:09,608
But, in the meantime...
57
00:02:10,254 --> 00:02:13,922
I got a little something
special for you.
58
00:02:13,924 --> 00:02:16,225
Hey, you ordered those
bobbleheads of our family
59
00:02:16,227 --> 00:02:18,060
as a thank-you gift
for my parents, right?
60
00:02:18,062 --> 00:02:19,628
Yeah, I worked really hard
on the one for your dad...
61
00:02:19,630 --> 00:02:21,363
I'm sorry, Mr. Short...
62
00:02:21,365 --> 00:02:23,820
But I'm sure he's gonna hate
it just like he hates me.
63
00:02:23,845 --> 00:02:26,702
No! I can't hold anymore.
64
00:02:26,735 --> 00:02:29,202
When I buy myself a
$2000 Japanese toilet,
65
00:02:29,227 --> 00:02:31,206
you'd think they'd have
better customer service.
66
00:02:31,208 --> 00:02:33,408
You spent $2000 on a toilet?
67
00:02:33,410 --> 00:02:35,777
Well, yeah, people spend half
their lives on the toilet.
68
00:02:35,779 --> 00:02:38,080
No, babe, that's just you.
69
00:02:42,946 --> 00:02:45,920
Oh. Hey, Da... I mean, John.
70
00:02:45,945 --> 00:02:47,823
Oh. Tim, thank you for my present.
71
00:02:47,825 --> 00:02:50,195
It's taught me so much about myself.
72
00:02:50,220 --> 00:02:52,294
- It came already? Man, that was fast.
- Mm-hmm.
73
00:02:52,296 --> 00:02:54,863
Hey, what did you think of the
"John?" It looks perfect, right?
74
00:02:54,865 --> 00:02:56,798
Are you kidding? It's more than perfect.
75
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,767
Joanie's a little afraid of it, though.
76
00:02:58,769 --> 00:03:00,202
She thinks it's out to get her.
77
00:03:00,204 --> 00:03:01,891
(LAUGHS) It's that lifelike?
78
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:03,672
It's like it has a soul.
79
00:03:03,674 --> 00:03:07,313
I felt so elated when I sat on it.
80
00:03:08,024 --> 00:03:09,378
- Oh.
- Yeah.
81
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:11,046
Cool, yeah, well, whatever.
82
00:03:11,048 --> 00:03:12,347
I'm sure Joanie's gonna love it too,
83
00:03:12,349 --> 00:03:14,513
once I convince her to sit on it.
84
00:03:15,270 --> 00:03:18,754
You know, deep down I always
knew she was a little freaky.
85
00:03:21,258 --> 00:03:22,824
- (BELLS CHIME)
- (GASPS)
86
00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:24,926
Oh.
87
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,231
Oh, no.
88
00:03:28,233 --> 00:03:31,334
(Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" plays)
89
00:03:32,056 --> 00:03:33,837
Is that Vivaldi?
90
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,172
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
91
00:03:37,741 --> 00:03:41,176
Ooh. Mmm.
92
00:03:43,678 --> 00:03:46,559
Hey, I just got off the phone
with the delivery company,
93
00:03:46,584 --> 00:03:48,841
and they said my
toilet was shipped here.
94
00:03:48,866 --> 00:03:51,682
Duh. I already thanked you for that.
95
00:03:51,707 --> 00:03:55,058
In fact, I just got off a
30 minute wash and wax. Whoo.
96
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,192
Oh, no, John, that
toilet wasn't meant f...
97
00:03:57,217 --> 00:04:00,442
JOAN: John. I just
tried the super-toilet.
98
00:04:00,732 --> 00:04:03,378
(CHUCKLES) And you were right.
99
00:04:03,403 --> 00:04:04,417
I feel warm
100
00:04:04,442 --> 00:04:06,136
and I feel loved in a way
101
00:04:06,138 --> 00:04:08,790
that nobody's ever loved me.
102
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:10,941
Wait. B-But Joan, you don't understand.
103
00:04:10,943 --> 00:04:14,877
No, I didn't, but now, I do.
104
00:04:16,463 --> 00:04:17,614
Arigato.
105
00:04:17,616 --> 00:04:20,083
Oh, Joanie, you can't make
jokes like that anymore.
106
00:04:20,085 --> 00:04:22,216
You can always stay here,
107
00:04:22,241 --> 00:04:25,210
anytime your house burns down.
108
00:04:29,415 --> 00:04:30,714
(CHUCKLES)
109
00:04:31,164 --> 00:04:32,696
(SIGHS)
110
00:04:32,698 --> 00:04:34,231
Hey, John.
111
00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:35,498
Please.
112
00:04:36,098 --> 00:04:37,267
Call me Dad.
113
00:04:38,020 --> 00:04:39,569
- Really?
- Yeah.
114
00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:43,039
Okay. Well, Dad, here's the thing, uh...
115
00:04:43,041 --> 00:04:44,507
Mm-hmm?
116
00:04:45,770 --> 00:04:47,244
(SIGHS) You're welcome.
117
00:04:47,246 --> 00:04:49,179
Just use it in good health.
118
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:51,065
Well, thank you.
119
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,617
Look, uh, a bunch of
bobbleheads came today.
120
00:04:53,619 --> 00:04:55,752
Um, did you order these,
121
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,204
or did I piss off another gypsy?
122
00:04:58,229 --> 00:04:59,789
Oh, tho... no, those
are creepy, you know.
123
00:04:59,814 --> 00:05:01,760
I don't know what those are,
but I'll... you know what?
124
00:05:01,785 --> 00:05:03,093
Just give them to me,
I'll throw them in the...
125
00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:04,294
No, it's all right. I'll take them out
126
00:05:04,296 --> 00:05:06,029
to the trash. You...
127
00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:12,535
(BELLS CHIME)
128
00:05:12,537 --> 00:05:14,404
(Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" plays)
129
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:20,243
God, you're a sexy bitch.
130
00:05:25,775 --> 00:05:27,665
_
131
00:05:27,868 --> 00:05:30,053
(DOOR OPENING)
132
00:05:30,055 --> 00:05:32,522
Oh, hey, sweetie. How was school?
133
00:05:32,524 --> 00:05:34,791
Well, my most basic childhood instinct
134
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,926
is urging me to say "fine"
135
00:05:36,928 --> 00:05:38,800
but if I'm being honest,
136
00:05:38,825 --> 00:05:41,425
I had an emotionally rich day.
137
00:05:41,450 --> 00:05:43,706
Wow. I wasn't ready for that.
138
00:05:43,731 --> 00:05:44,714
What happened today?
139
00:05:44,739 --> 00:05:46,169
Well, a bunch of my friends were talking
140
00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:47,971
about how they shaved their legs
141
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,604
and how that changed their lives.
142
00:05:49,629 --> 00:05:51,408
But then Jared Shuman
143
00:05:51,410 --> 00:05:53,143
had a seizure in computer lab
144
00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:56,112
- and ruined $50,000 worth of equipment.
- (GASPS)
145
00:05:56,114 --> 00:05:57,781
Oh, my God.
146
00:05:57,783 --> 00:06:00,116
Girls in your class
are shaving their legs?
147
00:06:00,118 --> 00:06:04,471
Yup. They said it cut their
sleeping bag entry time in half.
148
00:06:04,496 --> 00:06:06,423
I think I'm gonna go
start shaving mine, too.
149
00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:08,992
Uh, whoa, hey. Yeah, not
in my house, you're not.
150
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:11,027
Well, what about Mom-Mom
and Pop-Pop's house?
151
00:06:11,029 --> 00:06:14,164
Pop-Pop has a toilet
that plays "Let It Go"
152
00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,920
Yeah, nobody's house. Okay?
153
00:06:15,945 --> 00:06:16,951
You're just way too young.
154
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:18,735
But everyone's gonna make fun of me.
155
00:06:18,737 --> 00:06:21,102
I'm gonna be the hairiest kid in school.
156
00:06:21,127 --> 00:06:24,223
No.That is so not true. What
about that sixth grader
157
00:06:24,248 --> 00:06:26,248
with the sideburns that
go all the way down?
158
00:06:26,273 --> 00:06:27,744
They connect with his beard.
159
00:06:27,769 --> 00:06:30,180
Chewbacca? The lunch...
That's the lunch lady.
160
00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:31,181
Oh.
161
00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:32,315
Come on, Mom.
162
00:06:32,317 --> 00:06:33,783
You are still way too young
163
00:06:33,785 --> 00:06:35,151
to shave your legs.
164
00:06:35,153 --> 00:06:37,536
End of story.
165
00:06:38,504 --> 00:06:39,551
Fine.
166
00:06:41,559 --> 00:06:44,448
HEATHER: That is incredibly
sweet that you still bring Tyler
167
00:06:44,473 --> 00:06:47,197
a cup of coffee even after your breakup.
168
00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:49,332
- Well, some couples like to
keep things fresh. - Mmm.
169
00:06:49,334 --> 00:06:51,301
We just like to keep them confusing.
170
00:06:51,719 --> 00:06:54,286
- Okay.
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
171
00:06:55,307 --> 00:06:57,807
HEATHER: What's with the
jeans under the dress?
172
00:06:57,809 --> 00:06:59,542
Is that some sort of
weird gender statement?
173
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:02,118
Please help me before
I say the wrong thing.
174
00:07:02,143 --> 00:07:04,280
I think you've already
said the wrong thing.
175
00:07:04,282 --> 00:07:06,569
I'm just trying to avoid the ridicule
176
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,727
of my freshly-shaven peers.
177
00:07:08,752 --> 00:07:10,076
Oh. See you after school,
178
00:07:10,101 --> 00:07:12,055
if I'm not shoved in a locker.
179
00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:13,857
Okay.
180
00:07:13,859 --> 00:07:14,991
(DOOR SHUTS)
181
00:07:15,679 --> 00:07:17,994
Hey, how old were you
when you started shaving?
182
00:07:17,996 --> 00:07:20,497
Oh, I'm just naturally
hairless from the neck down.
183
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,546
Oh. Mm-hmm.
184
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,308
Get out.
185
00:07:26,391 --> 00:07:29,547
- Sophia?!
- Over here, Sophia's mom!
186
00:07:29,572 --> 00:07:31,001
Oh, God.
187
00:07:31,026 --> 00:07:32,976
Oh, honey! What happened? Are you hurt?
188
00:07:32,978 --> 00:07:36,133
Do I need to threaten to sue the
school again? 'Cause I'll do it.
189
00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:37,847
Beverly here. Team manager.
190
00:07:37,849 --> 00:07:39,182
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
191
00:07:39,184 --> 00:07:40,683
Yeah, hi. (CHUCKLES)
192
00:07:40,685 --> 00:07:43,535
Looks like we got a
classic case of overheating.
193
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,232
The orange slice is on the way.
194
00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:47,137
Okay, good. Well, you know what,
195
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:49,659
you can't play soccer in your jeans.
196
00:07:49,661 --> 00:07:51,895
- Can I shave my legs then?
- No.
197
00:07:51,897 --> 00:07:54,230
Well, then it looks like Beverly
and I are gonna be spending
198
00:07:54,232 --> 00:07:56,965
a lot more time together this season.
199
00:07:56,990 --> 00:07:57,934
Yes!
200
00:07:57,936 --> 00:07:59,436
Mm.
201
00:08:00,461 --> 00:08:02,434
- Oh!
- (SPUTTERS)
202
00:08:04,111 --> 00:08:06,011
(GRUNTS)
203
00:08:06,895 --> 00:08:08,878
Honey, don't you want to take those off?
204
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,447
Nobody here's gonna judge you, okay?
205
00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,916
I think the denim is
really weighing you down.
206
00:08:12,918 --> 00:08:14,684
It's just the weight of my leg hair.
207
00:08:14,686 --> 00:08:16,286
Oh, Sophia.
208
00:08:17,377 --> 00:08:18,662
Besides...
209
00:08:18,687 --> 00:08:20,086
(GRUNTS)
210
00:08:20,111 --> 00:08:22,125
this is what Pop-Pop wears to swim.
211
00:08:22,150 --> 00:08:23,503
Right, Pop-Pop?
212
00:08:23,868 --> 00:08:26,594
It's easier than putting on sunscreen.
213
00:08:27,930 --> 00:08:30,110
(KNOCKING) Hey. Can I come in?
214
00:08:31,258 --> 00:08:32,769
Sure.
215
00:08:35,407 --> 00:08:38,374
Oh, those are still fully wet.
216
00:08:38,376 --> 00:08:40,810
Pop-Pop said it's best to
let them dry on you,
217
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,079
so that they form a casing. Mm.
218
00:08:43,081 --> 00:08:46,184
Yeah. Okay, listen, sweetie.
219
00:08:46,209 --> 00:08:49,085
As hard as it is for me to watch
my little girl become a woman,
220
00:08:49,087 --> 00:08:51,588
it is so much harder for
me to watch you suffer.
221
00:08:51,590 --> 00:08:54,790
So... you can shave your legs.
222
00:08:54,815 --> 00:08:56,559
- Really?
- Yeah.
223
00:08:56,561 --> 00:08:58,528
- Thanks, Mom!
- Oh. Mm.
224
00:08:58,530 --> 00:09:00,797
All right, come on, let's go. I'll
show you how to do it in the bathtub.
225
00:09:00,799 --> 00:09:02,832
Uh, that's okay. I can do it myself.
226
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,701
Oh, no, no, no. We are
gonna go in there and make
227
00:09:04,703 --> 00:09:06,669
some very beautiful mother-daughter
memories together, okay?
228
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,569
So, let's get those pants off.
229
00:09:08,594 --> 00:09:10,807
Yeah, I'm cool. Maybe later.
230
00:09:10,809 --> 00:09:13,221
Sophia. Take your pants off.
231
00:09:13,246 --> 00:09:15,250
Let's go. I'm gonna
teach you how to shave.
232
00:09:15,275 --> 00:09:16,485
No.
233
00:09:17,016 --> 00:09:19,115
- Take your pants off, Sophia.
- No.
234
00:09:19,117 --> 00:09:20,416
- Why won't you take your...
- No!
235
00:09:20,418 --> 00:09:21,584
- No, no, no.
- I'm your... Yes. I am gonna
236
00:09:21,586 --> 00:09:23,186
teach you how to shave your legs.
237
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:24,420
- Jeans off.
- No, thank you.
238
00:09:24,422 --> 00:09:26,207
- Why won't you take your pants off?
- Mother!
239
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,457
Because...
240
00:09:27,459 --> 00:09:30,126
I already shaved.
241
00:09:30,128 --> 00:09:32,903
Oh! With what?! A machete?
242
00:09:32,928 --> 00:09:34,884
No. Dad's back razor.
243
00:09:34,909 --> 00:09:37,433
That's why I've been wearing the jeans.
244
00:09:37,435 --> 00:09:40,027
- It was a bloodbath, Mom.
- Ugh.
245
00:09:40,052 --> 00:09:42,029
You're lucky I'm still standing.
246
00:09:42,054 --> 00:09:44,841
And before you get upset,
just know that I never want
247
00:09:44,843 --> 00:09:47,498
to shave again, so you win.
248
00:09:47,523 --> 00:09:50,446
Besides, I mean, my hair was
pretty blonde to begin with.
249
00:09:50,448 --> 00:09:54,495
Oh. Hmm. Sophia, don't you know
that once you start shaving,
250
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,957
your hair comes back darker and thicker?
251
00:09:57,982 --> 00:09:58,788
What?
252
00:09:58,790 --> 00:10:00,597
Yeah. Look at this.
253
00:10:00,622 --> 00:10:02,458
I just shaved at lunch.
254
00:10:02,638 --> 00:10:03,826
No.
255
00:10:03,828 --> 00:10:05,867
Welcome to womanhood, honey.
256
00:10:06,407 --> 00:10:07,476
(THUD)
257
00:10:07,953 --> 00:10:09,695
_
258
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,370
(KNOCKING)
259
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,111
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
260
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,710
- Greg.
- (HISSING) Don't answer it.
261
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,082
It's that crazy guy Finn,
262
00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:20,398
the guy who tried to kill
Old Lady Halperin's dog.
263
00:10:20,423 --> 00:10:24,255
The only thing crazy is you
referring to Mrs. Halperin
264
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,593
as "Old Lady Halperin."
265
00:10:26,618 --> 00:10:28,523
What are you, in a Grimms' fable?
266
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,685
Hi!
267
00:10:29,687 --> 00:10:30,912
- Hey!
- Hi!
268
00:10:30,937 --> 00:10:34,467
- We have a big announcement!
- (WHOOPS)
269
00:10:34,492 --> 00:10:36,402
You're having a baby?
270
00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:37,859
No! We're having a party.
271
00:10:37,861 --> 00:10:39,661
You know I don't like
babies, and the fact
272
00:10:39,663 --> 00:10:42,164
that I can't have them fits
perfectly into that plan.
273
00:10:42,166 --> 00:10:43,298
- Right.
- It's a little get-together
274
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:44,194
tomorrow afternoon,
275
00:10:44,219 --> 00:10:46,371
and we want you to be there.
276
00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:49,999
Oh! Uh, yeah, no, we can't make it,
277
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,623
because we're, are, um...
278
00:10:51,625 --> 00:10:53,173
we're going to San
Diego for the weekend.
279
00:10:53,198 --> 00:10:53,993
Right, Jen?
280
00:10:54,018 --> 00:10:55,839
For, uh, your, uh, lawyer thing?
281
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:57,630
Right. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
282
00:10:57,632 --> 00:11:01,300
We are. We are going to... Lawyer-Con.
283
00:11:01,302 --> 00:11:04,971
Which is like Comic-Con,
except everyone is normal
284
00:11:04,973 --> 00:11:08,041
on the outside and
monsters on the inside.
285
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:10,243
Hmm... (SPUTTERS) We should just
cancel our party and go to that.
286
00:11:10,245 --> 00:11:11,644
God, we could Airbnb it. Just take
287
00:11:11,646 --> 00:11:14,871
- the Surfliner down. Yes!
- Oh! We could all go together!
288
00:11:14,911 --> 00:11:15,785
Just kidding!
289
00:11:15,810 --> 00:11:17,350
- It sounds genuinely horrible!
- Ugh!
290
00:11:17,352 --> 00:11:19,352
- We would never do that!
- (CHUCKLING)
291
00:11:19,354 --> 00:11:20,783
God, we're gonna miss you guys
292
00:11:20,807 --> 00:11:21,539
- at the party though,
- Yes.
293
00:11:21,564 --> 00:11:22,855
Because when we get
there, it's like, oh...
294
00:11:22,857 --> 00:11:24,891
(GRUNTING) And we're doing
the... And one of these.
295
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,565
- (WHIRRING SOUNDS)
- Yeah, okay, bye!
296
00:11:27,081 --> 00:11:28,327
Greg, what are you doing?
297
00:11:28,329 --> 00:11:30,663
- He was in the middle of talking.
- Oh. Was he?
298
00:11:30,665 --> 00:11:33,199
Yes. And when someone's in the
middle of talking, you don't just...
299
00:11:33,201 --> 00:11:35,968
Better go lock the back door.
300
00:11:35,970 --> 00:11:38,371
(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)
301
00:11:38,373 --> 00:11:40,208
? Hey, hey, hey, hey... ?
302
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,608
What? Finn and Dianna got an outdoor bar
303
00:11:42,610 --> 00:11:44,310
and a taco truck?
304
00:11:44,335 --> 00:11:45,645
(CLICKS TONGUE) Greg!
305
00:11:45,647 --> 00:11:47,180
I want to go!
306
00:11:47,182 --> 00:11:49,128
No, no, Jen, get down from there!
307
00:11:49,153 --> 00:11:50,116
If they see us, they're gonna know
308
00:11:50,118 --> 00:11:51,517
that we lied to them!
309
00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:53,853
Ugh. Fine.
310
00:11:53,855 --> 00:11:55,154
So we're trapped.
311
00:11:55,156 --> 00:11:56,522
Yeah. But it'll be all right,
312
00:11:56,524 --> 00:11:58,091
as long as we don't make too much noise.
313
00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,667
- (KNOCKING)
- JOAN: Greg? Jen?
314
00:11:59,692 --> 00:12:01,461
It's Mom!
315
00:12:01,463 --> 00:12:04,734
Jen? Is Greg okay?
316
00:12:04,759 --> 00:12:06,532
(WHISPERS): It's your
parents. We can't let them in.
317
00:12:06,534 --> 00:12:09,320
Well, maybe they're in
the bedroom making love.
318
00:12:09,345 --> 00:12:12,004
(CHUCKLES) Wishful thinking, Joanie.
319
00:12:12,006 --> 00:12:12,905
Hey!
320
00:12:13,270 --> 00:12:14,336
Old!
321
00:12:14,361 --> 00:12:15,141
And Older!
322
00:12:15,143 --> 00:12:16,342
I'm gonna have to ask you to step away
323
00:12:16,344 --> 00:12:17,777
from my friends' door.
324
00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,445
Oh, we're visiting our son.
325
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,013
Well, I think if he was your son,
326
00:12:21,015 --> 00:12:22,915
then you'd know that he's not in town.
327
00:12:22,917 --> 00:12:25,685
No... I'm telling you,
we're visiting our son.
328
00:12:25,687 --> 00:12:27,720
Get away from my neighbors' house!
329
00:12:27,722 --> 00:12:29,722
- We're here! We're here!
- Oh!
330
00:12:29,724 --> 00:12:30,623
- We're here!
- Oh!
331
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:31,557
We're home.
332
00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:33,326
I thought you guys were in San Diego.
333
00:12:33,328 --> 00:12:36,496
Oh, yeah, you know what, uh,
Lawyer-Con was-was canceled.
334
00:12:36,498 --> 00:12:38,998
- Yeah.
- Yeah. A lawyer slipped and fell,
335
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,167
and then everyone
started suing everybody.
336
00:12:41,169 --> 00:12:42,935
- It was a whole situation.
- Mm.
337
00:12:42,937 --> 00:12:44,709
- So you know these people?
- GREG: Yes!
338
00:12:44,734 --> 00:12:47,006
- Yes, I know them. They are my parents.
- Yes. Yeah.
339
00:12:47,008 --> 00:12:48,241
- Ah! Oh!
- Oh!
340
00:12:48,243 --> 00:12:49,976
Guys, what are you doing here?
341
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,778
Your father wanted to talk to Lark.
342
00:12:51,780 --> 00:12:54,347
He doesn't like the
way she says his name.
343
00:12:56,085 --> 00:12:58,014
Hi, Poop-Poop!
344
00:12:58,039 --> 00:12:59,752
She's doing that on purpose.
345
00:12:59,754 --> 00:13:02,255
How would you like it
if I called you Clark?
346
00:13:02,257 --> 00:13:04,937
You did, for the first year of her life.
347
00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:07,426
Poop-Poop has feelings, you know.
348
00:13:07,428 --> 00:13:08,928
FINN: I'm so glad you came home.
349
00:13:08,930 --> 00:13:10,730
I wanted to apologize.
350
00:13:10,732 --> 00:13:14,214
I am so sorry that I locked
you in the trunk of my car.
351
00:13:14,239 --> 00:13:15,835
Well, I-I wasn't in your trunk.
352
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:17,136
I was with you when you yelled
353
00:13:17,138 --> 00:13:18,538
at the old lady with the barking dog.
354
00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:20,632
- Right. Dog guy.
- (CHUCKLES)
355
00:13:20,657 --> 00:13:21,929
- You're not trunk guy.
- Yeah. You look like...
356
00:13:21,954 --> 00:13:24,069
I am so sorry about that.
357
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:26,429
Okay? I was dealing with
a lot of social anxiety.
358
00:13:26,454 --> 00:13:28,711
- And I took some drugs that...
- Yeah.
359
00:13:28,736 --> 00:13:29,999
- Put an edge on me.
- Mm-hmm.
360
00:13:30,024 --> 00:13:30,783
DIANNA: But he went to rehab.
361
00:13:30,785 --> 00:13:31,784
- He made a new friend.
- Mm-hmm.
362
00:13:31,786 --> 00:13:32,819
They got really close.
363
00:13:32,821 --> 00:13:33,886
But I'm told it didn't go further
364
00:13:33,888 --> 00:13:35,188
than friendship, so...
365
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,989
Well, that's good. For both of you.
366
00:13:36,991 --> 00:13:38,594
- Yeah, it's a crazy nine days, you know?
- Yeah.
367
00:13:38,619 --> 00:13:39,292
(DIANNA SIGHS)
368
00:13:39,294 --> 00:13:40,293
So, clean start?
369
00:13:40,295 --> 00:13:41,994
Yeah. Sure, man.
370
00:13:41,996 --> 00:13:43,996
What a relief! Yes!
371
00:13:43,998 --> 00:13:45,932
Because at rehab, they say I
got to be spending more time
372
00:13:45,934 --> 00:13:48,401
around good, honest
people like you, Greg.
373
00:13:48,403 --> 00:13:49,669
And I don't think it's an accident
374
00:13:49,671 --> 00:13:52,038
that Lawyer-Con got
canceled and this happened.
375
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,423
You know, the... the thing is, uh...
376
00:13:55,448 --> 00:13:58,411
The truth, Finn, is that, uh,
Lawyer-Con wasn't cancelled
377
00:13:58,413 --> 00:14:01,502
because there's no such
thing as-as Lawyer-Con.
378
00:14:01,527 --> 00:14:02,816
- It doesn't exist. We...
- Yup.
379
00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:04,004
We just made it up
380
00:14:04,029 --> 00:14:04,895
because we felt weird
381
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,520
- about going to your party, so... sorry.
- Yeah.
382
00:14:07,522 --> 00:14:08,955
You lied to me?
383
00:14:08,957 --> 00:14:10,189
Uh...
384
00:14:10,191 --> 00:14:11,991
I mean, I got angry and
yelled at an old lady
385
00:14:11,993 --> 00:14:13,993
'cause I smoked a little
crack. I didn't lie to you.
386
00:14:13,995 --> 00:14:15,261
Sorry. What? You smoked what, now?
387
00:14:15,263 --> 00:14:17,094
- I smoked some crack.
- Okay.
388
00:14:17,119 --> 00:14:19,198
- And that can explain my behavior.
- Uh-huh.
389
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,967
Greg, are you smoking crack right now?
390
00:14:20,969 --> 00:14:22,935
Uh, uh, uh, uh, no,
391
00:14:22,937 --> 00:14:25,671
- but I-I do take an allergy medication.
- Mm-hmm.
392
00:14:25,673 --> 00:14:27,540
(WHOOPING)
393
00:14:27,542 --> 00:14:29,442
Oh, I'm burning up right now.
I don't know how to calm down.
394
00:14:29,444 --> 00:14:31,444
Okay. Yeah, okay, let's go. Yeah.
395
00:14:31,446 --> 00:14:32,645
- (EXHALES DEEPLY)
- Pretend they're not here.
396
00:14:32,647 --> 00:14:33,908
Congrats on your sobriety.
397
00:14:34,972 --> 00:14:36,813
_
398
00:14:37,507 --> 00:14:38,688
Are you really sure
399
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:42,079
that a holistic fertility
consultant is necessary?
400
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,399
Well, I thought we said
we were gonna commit
401
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,439
to doing whatever it
takes to get pregnant.
402
00:14:45,464 --> 00:14:47,945
Yeah! I just... I thought
that meant having a lot of sex.
403
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,170
Well, me, too, but we need more help,
404
00:14:50,172 --> 00:14:52,239
and we are running out
of affordable options.
405
00:14:52,241 --> 00:14:55,320
IVF can take up to $20,000.
406
00:14:55,345 --> 00:14:56,476
Do you have that?
407
00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:59,045
I mean, yesterday, you tipped
the barista with a button.
408
00:14:59,047 --> 00:15:00,780
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
409
00:15:00,782 --> 00:15:02,129
Okay, there he is.
410
00:15:02,154 --> 00:15:04,417
Let's just keep an open mind
and see what he has to say.
411
00:15:04,419 --> 00:15:05,752
- Okay.
- Okay.
412
00:15:06,927 --> 00:15:07,831
Hi!
413
00:15:07,856 --> 00:15:09,129
Hey.
414
00:15:09,154 --> 00:15:11,891
- You must be Matt, and you, Colleen.
- Mm-hmm.
415
00:15:11,893 --> 00:15:13,860
Come in, come in, come in.
416
00:15:13,862 --> 00:15:16,029
Now, in order to get Matt's seedlings
417
00:15:16,031 --> 00:15:18,098
to grow into a mighty
oak, it's important
418
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:21,151
you get yourself into
a position for success.
419
00:15:21,176 --> 00:15:23,970
Have you been coming in
through the back door?
420
00:15:23,972 --> 00:15:25,863
- Excuse me?
- What? I know it's weird,
421
00:15:25,888 --> 00:15:28,406
but I truly believe in
the powers of feng shui.
422
00:15:28,431 --> 00:15:29,743
- (WHISPERING): Feng shui.
- Shv-Shwing...
423
00:15:29,745 --> 00:15:31,495
- It's feng shui. Feng shui.
- Feng shui.
424
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:32,870
Yes, that's the one. Mm-hmm, yeah.
425
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,290
So if you're not entering your house
426
00:15:34,292 --> 00:15:36,058
through the front door, you should.
427
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,493
Where did you find this guy?
428
00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:39,532
Jen said that he was "the best."
429
00:15:39,557 --> 00:15:41,530
But she's very sarcastic.
I can never tell with her.
430
00:15:43,381 --> 00:15:45,601
What you eat is essential
for your fertility.
431
00:15:46,116 --> 00:15:47,968
Might be looking after
your bodies more than
432
00:15:47,993 --> 00:15:49,617
you're looking after this fridge.
433
00:15:49,642 --> 00:15:51,442
Is this how you treat your swimmers?
434
00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:53,174
Oh! That's not a specimen.
435
00:15:53,199 --> 00:15:54,677
No, no, no. No, that's coleslaw.
436
00:15:54,679 --> 00:15:56,578
I... Uh, look, uh, it could be confusing
437
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:59,088
because it's in a specimen
cup, but it-it's coleslaw.
438
00:15:59,113 --> 00:16:00,685
You seem nervous.
439
00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:02,410
Part of your charm, I suppose?
440
00:16:02,412 --> 00:16:03,978
Are you, uh, hydrating?
441
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:05,513
- Mm-hmm.
- You keeping off the alcohol?
442
00:16:05,515 --> 00:16:07,081
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Off the caffeine?
443
00:16:07,083 --> 00:16:09,645
Can't you tell? I'm, like, barely alive.
444
00:16:09,670 --> 00:16:11,052
(GROANS, CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT)
445
00:16:11,077 --> 00:16:13,187
Matt, you're supposed
to tell me I look pretty.
446
00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:15,056
- You're so pretty.
- (LAUGHS)
447
00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:17,759
That's embarrassing. Don't.
Not in front of a guest.
448
00:16:18,319 --> 00:16:20,786
While you drink the fertility teas...
449
00:16:20,811 --> 00:16:22,730
- Yeah. (COUGHS)
- I will prepare the
450
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:25,333
homemade conception chimes.
451
00:16:25,335 --> 00:16:27,738
Now, we need to get rid
of all the bad energy.
452
00:16:27,763 --> 00:16:31,439
You'll feel the energy. The aura
will pass through the chimes.
453
00:16:31,441 --> 00:16:33,508
And then, how do we
get the bad energy out?
454
00:16:33,510 --> 00:16:36,768
I suck it out. I need a
very tight seal, actually,
455
00:16:36,793 --> 00:16:39,614
so our mouths will really connect.
456
00:16:40,483 --> 00:16:42,016
Who wants to go first?
457
00:16:42,018 --> 00:16:44,079
Well, I would say "not me,"
but I know that that means
458
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,953
that you're going to kiss my wife.
459
00:16:45,955 --> 00:16:47,889
It's not a kiss. It's a suck.
460
00:16:47,891 --> 00:16:51,159
- Mm.
- So I guess... I'll suck your wife?
461
00:16:51,161 --> 00:16:52,860
(GIGGLING)
462
00:16:52,862 --> 00:16:54,849
- No. No. We were...
- (CLEARS THROAT)
463
00:16:54,874 --> 00:16:58,319
We were saying that we
will do whatever it takes.
464
00:16:58,344 --> 00:16:58,944
So...
465
00:16:58,969 --> 00:17:02,503
Yeah, no, I know, and I-I
really, really want this, but...
466
00:17:02,505 --> 00:17:04,311
Do you really want it?!
467
00:17:04,336 --> 00:17:06,240
You really want a baby very badly?
468
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:07,341
- Yeah, well, yeah.
- Very. Very badly.
469
00:17:07,343 --> 00:17:10,545
Well, then why do I have this?
470
00:17:10,858 --> 00:17:14,115
- A little tiny car?
- That is, yes. It's the wrong pocket.
471
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:17,788
This is for my son, who
I'm hoping to meet today.
472
00:17:18,233 --> 00:17:20,555
Why do I have this?!
473
00:17:20,557 --> 00:17:22,643
Pain relievers from
your medicine cabinet!
474
00:17:22,668 --> 00:17:25,359
Guys, you can't be on
medication of any kind!
475
00:17:25,361 --> 00:17:26,710
Did you go through our medicine cabinet?
476
00:17:26,735 --> 00:17:28,132
Yes! A little bit.
477
00:17:28,199 --> 00:17:30,998
Any other skeletons in
your medicine... closet?
478
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,134
- No. Nope.
- Clean as a whistle. Mm-hmm.
479
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:34,936
Wonderful! Then you're both on your way
480
00:17:34,938 --> 00:17:36,737
to becoming great parents.
481
00:17:36,762 --> 00:17:37,831
Yay.
482
00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:40,675
Speaking of which, what
do 22-year-old boys like?
483
00:17:40,677 --> 00:17:42,510
I'm just worried the
car won't be enough.
484
00:17:42,512 --> 00:17:44,078
- Oh, yeah, no, that's not gonna be enough.
- It's not.
485
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,714
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm
just gonna cancel again.
486
00:17:46,716 --> 00:17:47,982
Mm-hmm.
487
00:17:50,416 --> 00:17:51,484
Oh.
488
00:17:51,509 --> 00:17:53,654
Thank you so much for seeing me, Joan.
489
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:55,189
I lied to Matt.
490
00:17:55,191 --> 00:17:57,124
No. Dear, I have patients.
491
00:17:57,126 --> 00:17:58,770
In two hours, I'll be completely free.
492
00:17:58,795 --> 00:18:01,020
Oh, good. I'll be done by then.
493
00:18:01,045 --> 00:18:03,264
So, we're trying to get
pregnant, and that means
494
00:18:03,266 --> 00:18:04,699
going off all of our meds.
495
00:18:04,701 --> 00:18:06,567
But I haven't gone off
my mood stabilizers,
496
00:18:06,569 --> 00:18:08,035
and Matt doesn't know that.
497
00:18:08,037 --> 00:18:09,370
Does your doctor know?
498
00:18:09,372 --> 00:18:11,806
Oh, no. No, I don't
need to go see a doctor.
499
00:18:11,808 --> 00:18:13,841
My mom sends me all of
my pills from Mexico.
500
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,476
Have I ever told you about my mom?
501
00:18:15,478 --> 00:18:17,983
- Oh...
- No. Um, dear, if you stay here,
502
00:18:18,008 --> 00:18:19,741
you're going to have couple's therapy
503
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,180
with a complete stranger.
504
00:18:21,205 --> 00:18:23,876
Oh, that's okay. I love strangers.
505
00:18:25,047 --> 00:18:26,655
Okay, so here's the deal:
Colleen doesn't know that
506
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,523
I've been taking
finasteride for hair loss.
507
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:31,111
Now I really want to have
a kid, but I love my hair,
508
00:18:31,136 --> 00:18:33,206
and I don't want to look
like some bald loser.
509
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:34,462
Oh, none taken.
510
00:18:34,464 --> 00:18:35,663
Could finasteride really be hurting
511
00:18:35,665 --> 00:18:37,098
our chances of getting pregnant?
512
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,733
Honestly, going off it might just be
513
00:18:38,735 --> 00:18:41,502
the kick in the balls your balls need.
514
00:18:41,504 --> 00:18:43,371
All right, I got to get into surgery.
515
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:45,619
- All righty. Thanks, Tim.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
516
00:18:45,644 --> 00:18:47,308
- I already scrubbed up.
- Can't be too careful.
517
00:18:47,310 --> 00:18:48,791
- All right, see you, brother.
- All right.
518
00:18:48,816 --> 00:18:50,646
Hey, Gerald! All right.
519
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:58,752
Colleen?
520
00:18:58,754 --> 00:19:00,384
I have something to tell you.
521
00:19:00,409 --> 00:19:04,642
- Okay.
- Um, I lied to you. I'm so sorry.
522
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,845
I have secretly been
taking hair loss medication.
523
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,181
Okay. So is that why when
we go to the pharmacy,
524
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,250
- you tell me to wait in the car?
- Oh, no.
525
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:14,285
That's because you like to
try to play with all the canes.
526
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:15,642
No, no, no, no. I get
the pills in the mail.
527
00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:17,634
Oh. Okay, well, then Matt,
528
00:19:17,659 --> 00:19:19,423
I have something that
I need to tell you.
529
00:19:19,448 --> 00:19:20,383
Okay.
530
00:19:20,408 --> 00:19:23,517
I have been on mood stabilizers
since we started dating.
531
00:19:23,542 --> 00:19:25,080
So you're saying that I'm
the reason you take them?
532
00:19:25,105 --> 00:19:26,674
Oh, no! No, no, no, lots
of different reasons.
533
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:27,947
But the main one is just because
534
00:19:27,972 --> 00:19:28,893
when I'm not on them,
535
00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:31,276
I am one moody bitch.
536
00:19:31,278 --> 00:19:32,780
- Honey, I am so okay with that.
- (KNIVES SCRAPING)
537
00:19:32,812 --> 00:19:33,567
Okay.
538
00:19:33,592 --> 00:19:35,246
I mean, how moody could
we even be talking?
539
00:19:35,271 --> 00:19:36,546
- Why does that even matter?
- It doesn't.
540
00:19:36,571 --> 00:19:37,716
It doesn't even matter a little bit.
541
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:38,755
I'm just really worried that
542
00:19:38,780 --> 00:19:40,106
you're not gonna love me off my meds.
543
00:19:40,131 --> 00:19:41,052
Oh, Colleen,
544
00:19:41,077 --> 00:19:43,188
I will always love you, no matter what.
545
00:19:43,190 --> 00:19:44,589
(GASPS)
546
00:19:44,591 --> 00:19:46,858
You are so good to me. Oh.
547
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,742
(COLLEEN LAUGHS)
548
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:51,663
- Mmm.
- Is that another woman I smell on you?
549
00:19:51,665 --> 00:19:53,834
- No, honey, you're smelling yourself.
- You're so smart.
550
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,700
- (LAUGHS)
- I can't believe you lied to me.
551
00:19:55,725 --> 00:19:56,765
- So sorry.
- But I love you so much,
552
00:19:56,790 --> 00:19:57,804
and I want you to be the father
553
00:19:57,829 --> 00:19:59,871
- of my baby.
- Great. So...
554
00:19:59,873 --> 00:20:01,539
how long have you been off the meds?
555
00:20:01,541 --> 00:20:03,593
Oh. I'm going off of 'em tonight.
556
00:20:03,701 --> 00:20:05,801
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557
00:20:05,851 --> 00:20:10,401
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