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1
00:00:04,813 --> 00:00:06,935
_
2
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:12,435
So, Greg, looking
forward to Thanksgiving?
3
00:00:12,437 --> 00:00:14,604
Really? We're just gonna
talk about Thanksgiving
4
00:00:14,606 --> 00:00:16,272
after what you just did to me?
5
00:00:16,274 --> 00:00:17,740
I'm sorry. Next time,
6
00:00:17,742 --> 00:00:20,410
I'll bring in someone
with smaller fingers.
7
00:00:20,412 --> 00:00:21,978
We got your routine blood tests back,
8
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,088
and everything looks totally normal,
9
00:00:24,113 --> 00:00:25,815
except for your testosterone level.
10
00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:27,450
What's wrong with my testosterone?
11
00:00:27,452 --> 00:00:29,819
It's off-the-charts high.
Not to get too technical,
12
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:34,151
but imagine a graph where
the line is way, way up.
13
00:00:34,176 --> 00:00:35,792
Oh. Oh, uh, okay.
14
00:00:35,794 --> 00:00:37,427
Uh, well, what does that mean?
15
00:00:37,429 --> 00:00:38,828
We just keep an eye on it.
16
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,196
There might be some side effects,
17
00:00:40,198 --> 00:00:44,467
but mostly high "T" is just
something cool to brag about.
18
00:00:45,036 --> 00:00:46,436
Welcome to the club.
19
00:00:46,438 --> 00:00:48,171
(GRUNTS)
20
00:00:48,751 --> 00:00:50,851
Thanks for breaking me the news, Doc.
21
00:00:50,876 --> 00:00:53,410
And for the direct eye contact.
22
00:00:58,717 --> 00:01:01,050
You know, we have glasses.
23
00:01:01,221 --> 00:01:02,621
I got a lot of power
24
00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,312
surging through my body right now, babe.
25
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,313
It's better that I don't
26
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,215
put my hands on anything
that could break.
27
00:01:07,217 --> 00:01:10,351
Except, of course, for
this pretty little lady.
28
00:01:10,353 --> 00:01:13,855
Whoa. I like sweaty Greg
29
00:01:13,857 --> 00:01:16,324
- when he doesn't have a fever.
- Yeah?
30
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,293
But we have to get to your
parents' house in ten minutes,
31
00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:20,128
- so...
- Well, then we better be quick.
32
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:22,964
JEN: Greg, the pie!
33
00:01:23,248 --> 00:01:25,014
Oh, my God.
34
00:01:25,039 --> 00:01:27,268
Whoa. I don't know
what's gotten into you,
35
00:01:27,270 --> 00:01:28,503
but Mommy likey.
36
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:31,072
Do you mind if we just
get straight to it?
37
00:01:31,074 --> 00:01:34,375
Mind? I wanted that to be
one of our wedding vows.
38
00:01:34,377 --> 00:01:36,444
Ooh.
39
00:01:38,430 --> 00:01:39,507
Hey, Pops.
40
00:01:39,532 --> 00:01:40,682
You're looking good in the deep "V."
41
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:41,816
Hey, listen, next year,
42
00:01:41,818 --> 00:01:43,685
what do you say we hunt our own turkey?
43
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,987
Like the people that can chop
down their own Christmas trees.
44
00:01:45,989 --> 00:01:47,793
Oh, I don't know, son.
45
00:01:47,818 --> 00:01:49,090
I hit a pigeon in the war,
46
00:01:49,092 --> 00:01:51,793
and it's haunted me more
than the villages I bombed.
47
00:01:51,795 --> 00:01:53,528
Well, there were
probably a lot of pigeons
48
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:54,796
in those villages, Dad.
49
00:01:54,798 --> 00:01:57,632
Oh, God. I never thought about that.
50
00:01:58,502 --> 00:01:59,734
Hey, Pinky.
51
00:01:59,736 --> 00:02:00,902
You and Mom sharing clothes again?
52
00:02:00,904 --> 00:02:03,037
Ha-ha. Very funny, Matthew,
53
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:05,306
but we both know Mom
doesn't wear button-downs.
54
00:02:05,308 --> 00:02:06,875
Doesn't show off her figure.
55
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:10,011
I'm gonna put this pie in that kitchen,
56
00:02:10,013 --> 00:02:13,214
and then I am gonna open up some jars.
57
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:14,616
(WHISTLING)
58
00:02:16,191 --> 00:02:16,985
What's with him?
59
00:02:16,987 --> 00:02:19,420
Oh. He got diagnosed
with high testosterone.
60
00:02:19,422 --> 00:02:21,923
Oh, so now he's Mr. Masculinity.
61
00:02:21,925 --> 00:02:23,458
Yeah. I mean, it's all in his head.
62
00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:25,059
You know, like his fear of clowns.
63
00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:27,228
But I don't have to
suffer through a circus,
64
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,840
so in both cases, I win.
65
00:02:28,946 --> 00:02:32,133
(EXHALES) W-We don't
really need any herring, um,
66
00:02:32,135 --> 00:02:35,572
but I haven't been able to
open that jar since 1988.
67
00:02:36,353 --> 00:02:37,138
Whoa!
68
00:02:37,140 --> 00:02:38,606
Listen to that pop.
69
00:02:38,608 --> 00:02:40,675
Hey, uh, Dad says you need
me to change the lightbulb?
70
00:02:40,677 --> 00:02:42,277
- Yeah, honey...
- Oh. Let me do that, buddy.
71
00:02:42,279 --> 00:02:44,145
Why don't you go out
and play with Tyler.
72
00:02:44,147 --> 00:02:46,180
You don't think I can
change a lightbulb?
73
00:02:46,643 --> 00:02:48,344
Well, not without a step stool.
74
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,485
Although, I guess I could
put you up on my shoulders.
75
00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:51,619
Dude, what are you talking about?
76
00:02:51,621 --> 00:02:52,687
You're, like, an inch taller than me.
77
00:02:52,689 --> 00:02:54,956
Two inches. In every way that matters.
78
00:02:54,958 --> 00:02:56,651
You know what I think
sounds like a good idea?
79
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:57,251
What?
80
00:02:57,276 --> 00:02:58,960
Little Thanksgiving Day family football.
81
00:02:58,962 --> 00:03:01,296
Eh... I don't think that's a good idea.
82
00:03:01,298 --> 00:03:02,997
Well, because of your dancer's hip
83
00:03:02,999 --> 00:03:04,432
or your delicate back?
84
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,100
I don't want anybody to get hurt.
85
00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:09,103
Mom, my back is firing on all cylinders.
86
00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:11,516
I mean, just ask this pie.
87
00:03:11,899 --> 00:03:13,544
Actually, wait, don't ask that pie.
88
00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:16,103
That's not a story
you're gonna want to hear.
89
00:03:17,007 --> 00:03:18,089
Hut.
90
00:03:19,304 --> 00:03:20,848
TIM: Hold him... I can't! I...
91
00:03:20,850 --> 00:03:22,083
Here!
92
00:03:22,085 --> 00:03:23,718
(CHEERING)
93
00:03:26,468 --> 00:03:28,468
(GRUNTS) Ugh!
94
00:03:30,270 --> 00:03:31,403
Really, man?
95
00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:33,895
Thought this was a family game.
96
00:03:33,897 --> 00:03:36,230
Hey, hey, he's got a
medical condition, dude.
97
00:03:36,232 --> 00:03:37,198
Yeah, he does.
98
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,933
Touchdown, little man.
99
00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:41,310
You did your best, though.
100
00:03:41,462 --> 00:03:42,737
I'll show you my best, man.
101
00:03:42,739 --> 00:03:45,306
- Yeah.
- Set, hike!
102
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,909
(GROANING, YELLING)
103
00:03:47,911 --> 00:03:49,744
- Oh.
- Ooh.
104
00:03:49,746 --> 00:03:51,579
(GROANS)
105
00:03:51,581 --> 00:03:52,480
Sorry about that, bro.
106
00:03:53,481 --> 00:03:55,118
My mind said, "Stop""
107
00:03:55,143 --> 00:03:56,882
but my body said, "Keep huntin',
108
00:03:56,907 --> 00:03:58,840
'cause it's Matt season."
109
00:04:02,354 --> 00:04:03,558
What's wrong with your face?
110
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:04,559
What?
111
00:04:05,184 --> 00:04:06,561
Are you breaking out?
112
00:04:06,770 --> 00:04:09,731
Oh, man, you got some
big-ass zits coming in.
113
00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:11,666
(LAUGHING): Oh...
114
00:04:12,793 --> 00:04:14,135
(QUIETLY): Honey.
115
00:04:14,512 --> 00:04:15,768
Do I have blemishes?
116
00:04:15,793 --> 00:04:18,562
Uh, yeah. But I got to say,
117
00:04:18,587 --> 00:04:21,712
kind of plays into my
delivery boy fetish.
118
00:04:21,737 --> 00:04:22,937
Oops.
119
00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:25,013
I don't have enough cash on me.
120
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:26,514
Is that bad?
121
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,850
Honey. Do you have any concealer?
122
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:31,486
Oh, no. You just lost it, didn't you?
123
00:04:31,488 --> 00:04:32,520
Yeah.
124
00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:34,982
Yeah, acne's a common side effect
125
00:04:35,007 --> 00:04:35,911
of high T.
126
00:04:35,936 --> 00:04:37,925
Next thing to go is the hair, bro.
127
00:04:37,927 --> 00:04:39,927
Greg. Hey, man.
128
00:04:39,929 --> 00:04:42,130
High T, that's just a number.
129
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,298
All right? That confidence
you were feeling?
130
00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:47,335
That didn't come from down
there. It came from up here.
131
00:04:47,608 --> 00:04:49,971
Wow. Thank you.
132
00:04:49,973 --> 00:04:51,205
Yeah. Here you go.
133
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,475
- (GASPS)
- Oh, God.
134
00:04:56,613 --> 00:04:58,279
Seriously? You went
commando on Thanksgiving?
135
00:04:58,281 --> 00:05:02,016
I had a lot more
confidence this morning.
136
00:05:02,018 --> 00:05:04,819
More acne going on back here.
137
00:05:05,382 --> 00:05:07,021
Oh...
138
00:05:09,857 --> 00:05:11,636
_
139
00:05:11,981 --> 00:05:13,647
Wake up.
140
00:05:14,959 --> 00:05:16,698
It's 5:00 a.m., Mom.
141
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:18,399
Colleen is sick.
142
00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,601
You're making Thanksgiving dinner.
143
00:05:20,603 --> 00:05:24,105
No, no, no, no, no, no. You
love cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
144
00:05:24,107 --> 00:05:28,009
Not today. Today, I'm
finally watching the parade.
145
00:05:28,011 --> 00:05:29,911
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
146
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,946
You're right. You're
right. You're right.
147
00:05:31,948 --> 00:05:34,515
You've been working like crazy
ever since we all moved in,
148
00:05:34,517 --> 00:05:36,017
and I really appreciate that.
149
00:05:36,019 --> 00:05:38,619
And yeah, yeah, I'm on it.
150
00:05:38,621 --> 00:05:39,987
- (SNORING)
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
151
00:05:39,989 --> 00:05:42,990
You don't get to go back to sleep.
152
00:05:43,241 --> 00:05:44,992
I get to go back to sleep.
153
00:05:44,994 --> 00:05:47,562
Okay. Yes, so excited.
154
00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:49,764
Happy Thanksgiving to you.
155
00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:52,233
Oh, dear.
156
00:05:52,235 --> 00:05:53,947
Mm. Come back to bed, Heater.
157
00:05:53,972 --> 00:05:55,269
Oh! Help!
158
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:57,705
No, no. Tim, it's not Heather!
159
00:05:57,707 --> 00:05:59,674
MAN: Now, we're going
to let it sit out.
160
00:05:59,699 --> 00:06:01,275
Allowing the bird to air-dry
161
00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:03,578
- will give it a crispy...
- Oh! Ah! Crispy!
162
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:06,114
- Hey! Woo-hoo!
- Crispy! Yeah!
163
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,648
Oh! So many of you.
164
00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:09,984
Oh, and you invited a
man from the Internet.
165
00:06:09,986 --> 00:06:11,686
Yeah, you just missed
the lady who showed us
166
00:06:11,688 --> 00:06:12,887
how to use a rolling pin.
167
00:06:12,889 --> 00:06:14,355
Turns out she wasn't even cooking.
168
00:06:14,357 --> 00:06:17,425
Oh, honey, I left you
all my recipe cards.
169
00:06:17,427 --> 00:06:18,760
Oh, no, we don't need them.
170
00:06:18,762 --> 00:06:20,194
See, I'm a really spiritual cook.
171
00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:22,697
I like to ask the food
what it wants to be.
172
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:25,066
Yeah, don't worry, she's
just in charge of ice.
173
00:06:25,068 --> 00:06:29,036
Okay, well, you... have a plan.
174
00:06:29,038 --> 00:06:32,306
And so no matter what
happens, it will be good.
175
00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:34,108
- Thanks, Mom.
- MAN (OVER TV): Crispy.
176
00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:35,176
Oh. Crispy!
177
00:06:35,178 --> 00:06:38,064
ALL: Crispy!
178
00:06:38,089 --> 00:06:40,243
JOAN: Oh, the Macy's Parade.
179
00:06:40,268 --> 00:06:42,697
Finally! I've heard so much about it.
180
00:06:42,722 --> 00:06:44,352
WOMAN (OVER TV): We're
here in New York City today,
181
00:06:44,354 --> 00:06:46,387
and holiday cheer is
definitely in the air.
182
00:06:46,389 --> 00:06:49,090
- MAN: That's right. It sure is.
- Is it just balloons?
183
00:06:49,092 --> 00:06:51,425
Yup. Too bad it's not windy, though.
184
00:06:51,427 --> 00:06:54,128
One year, Barney got
stuck in the power lines,
185
00:06:54,130 --> 00:06:57,398
and they had to stab
him in front of everyone.
186
00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,301
We had grief counselors
at school the next day.
187
00:07:00,303 --> 00:07:01,605
Well, where's Snoopy?
188
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,722
I don't recognize any
of these characters.
189
00:07:03,747 --> 00:07:06,808
Me neither. Looks like they're
all fourth-generation Pok�mon.
190
00:07:06,810 --> 00:07:09,199
I only consider the first
three generations to be canon.
191
00:07:09,224 --> 00:07:11,047
You know, it's really hard
for people to see the balloons
192
00:07:11,072 --> 00:07:12,972
when other people are talking.
193
00:07:13,216 --> 00:07:15,783
Well, when I was a child, you know,
194
00:07:15,785 --> 00:07:17,852
our department store had a parade,
195
00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,887
- but there were no balloons.
- (TV VOLUME INCREASES)
196
00:07:19,889 --> 00:07:24,759
Th-There was just children
in wagons, and soldiers.
197
00:07:24,761 --> 00:07:25,726
Mm.
198
00:07:25,728 --> 00:07:28,229
- It was World War Two.
- Mm-hmm.
199
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,165
Is that boiling water?
200
00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:34,302
Oh, yes. It's for my
traditional Thanksgiving bath.
201
00:07:34,304 --> 00:07:37,972
This year, I'm filling it pot
by pot, like the pilgrims did.
202
00:07:37,974 --> 00:07:39,207
- Oh...
- Mm-hmm.
203
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,819
Maybe I could finally join you.
204
00:07:41,844 --> 00:07:44,312
I'm up for some Thanksgiving fun.
205
00:07:44,314 --> 00:07:49,217
Oh, my traditional bath is-is
not a sexual thing, Joanie.
206
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,223
It's more spiritual.
207
00:07:51,248 --> 00:07:52,753
- Oh.
- Please respect that.
208
00:07:52,755 --> 00:07:54,488
- Hmm?
- Yeah.
209
00:07:55,925 --> 00:07:58,526
? Stop, can't you see
what you doing, girl? ?
210
00:07:58,528 --> 00:08:01,719
- ? Girl, look what you've done ?
- Okay.
211
00:08:01,744 --> 00:08:03,243
Whoo!
212
00:08:03,268 --> 00:08:06,133
? You going out of my
arms for another... ?
213
00:08:06,135 --> 00:08:08,402
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
214
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:10,104
Heather!
215
00:08:10,106 --> 00:08:12,540
Those pinches are like punches.
216
00:08:12,542 --> 00:08:15,142
Your hands are very powerful.
217
00:08:15,144 --> 00:08:17,912
I know. Do you remember
my water polo coach said
218
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,482
I could've totally
played for the boys' team?
219
00:08:20,507 --> 00:08:23,317
Hey, you should go outside.
Yeah, get out of here, have fun.
220
00:08:23,319 --> 00:08:24,886
Matt and Greg are out there,
they're playing football.
221
00:08:24,888 --> 00:08:27,622
Do they let people talk
wh-while they watch?
222
00:08:27,624 --> 00:08:29,290
TIM (SHOUTING): Keep it down in there!
223
00:08:29,292 --> 00:08:31,551
I can't see Hello Kitty!
224
00:08:33,395 --> 00:08:34,695
Hey, is it just me,
or is it really weird
225
00:08:34,697 --> 00:08:36,764
- that she's just watching us?
- Yup.
226
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,958
Go, Greg!
227
00:08:41,304 --> 00:08:42,670
Matt!
228
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:47,108
Wow. All that extra testosterone,
229
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:49,143
you still can't throw a spiral, huh?
230
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,581
I can do that now. Quick kick.
231
00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,551
- Seriously, dude?
- Dude, you can't handle this T.
232
00:08:57,553 --> 00:09:00,121
You can't even catch
this T. Check this out.
233
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,727
See? See?
234
00:09:02,752 --> 00:09:04,125
MATT: Mom, tell him to stop running!
235
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:05,293
Oh, trust me, you don't even want...
236
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,295
This seemed like so much more fun
237
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,330
from the kitchen window.
238
00:09:09,332 --> 00:09:11,802
- (LID RATTLING)
- JOAN: Oh!
239
00:09:11,827 --> 00:09:14,402
The pot's about to boil over!
240
00:09:15,015 --> 00:09:17,238
Wow, I got here just in time.
241
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,907
Mom, it's okay, that's
just Dad's bathwater.
242
00:09:19,909 --> 00:09:22,065
We got everything covered in here.
243
00:09:22,090 --> 00:09:23,637
- You do?
- Yeah.
244
00:09:23,662 --> 00:09:25,723
It's Thanksgiving: The Re-Remix.
245
00:09:25,748 --> 00:09:27,315
(IMITATES RECORD
SCRATCHING) That's our theme.
246
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:30,151
Oh, yeah. Everybody's
placemat is a vinyl record.
247
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,914
Mm-hmm. I wasn't
super into it at first.
248
00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:33,988
And I'm still not.
249
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:36,924
Well... Maybe our theme
should just be "Thanksgiving"?
250
00:09:36,926 --> 00:09:38,506
(LAUGHS) Mom, don't be crazy.
251
00:09:38,531 --> 00:09:40,164
That's our theme for Christmas dinner.
252
00:09:40,189 --> 00:09:42,163
Get outside, go have fun.
253
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,846
There is no fun.
254
00:09:44,871 --> 00:09:47,872
The activities in this family suck!
255
00:09:48,271 --> 00:09:50,404
I mean, cooking is what
I do, and I thought,
256
00:09:50,406 --> 00:09:52,406
"Oh, I can live without this."
257
00:09:52,408 --> 00:09:54,442
But I can't.
258
00:09:54,444 --> 00:09:57,722
Not unless we get better
people in this family.
259
00:09:58,171 --> 00:09:59,847
- I'm sorry.
- JEN: I mean, if I would've known
260
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,916
that me leaving this
kitchen would make you happy,
261
00:10:01,918 --> 00:10:03,551
- I would've bounced hours ago.
- Yeah.
262
00:10:03,890 --> 00:10:06,587
Maybe, to me, spending my entire day
263
00:10:06,589 --> 00:10:09,924
slaving over a hot stove
for my ungrateful family,
264
00:10:09,926 --> 00:10:12,960
so I can complain about
how ungrateful they are,
265
00:10:13,309 --> 00:10:16,864
is the true magic of Thanksgiving.
266
00:10:17,182 --> 00:10:18,448
You know what, Mom?
267
00:10:18,473 --> 00:10:20,668
We're gonna get out of your hair.
268
00:10:21,223 --> 00:10:22,803
The kitchen is yours.
269
00:10:23,242 --> 00:10:24,608
Happy Thanksgiving.
270
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,008
- Happy Thanksgiving, Joan.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
271
00:10:28,070 --> 00:10:30,511
You mean nobody's
gonna stay and help me?
272
00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:34,679
_
273
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:37,393
I-I can't believe you
gave me a pot cookie!
274
00:10:37,395 --> 00:10:39,462
I'm sorry. When my grandma said
275
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,264
they were made with
love, I didn't know "Love"
276
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,865
was the name of the weed she buys.
277
00:10:42,867 --> 00:10:45,001
When does it kick in? Does
it make your arms heavy?
278
00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:46,302
'Cause mine are, like, heavy.
279
00:10:46,304 --> 00:10:50,116
I don't even remember how
heavy my arms used to be.
280
00:10:50,575 --> 00:10:52,441
We just have to get
through dinner, that's it.
281
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,243
You're right. And-and
when dinner is over,
282
00:10:54,245 --> 00:10:55,711
I'll take a nap, like everyone else,
283
00:10:55,713 --> 00:10:58,881
and-and sleep it off until...
284
00:10:58,883 --> 00:11:01,584
How long have I been standing
here talking to myself?
285
00:11:01,812 --> 00:11:04,146
Wait, I'm not talking to myself.
286
00:11:04,553 --> 00:11:06,656
I'm here.
287
00:11:09,427 --> 00:11:11,561
Be casual. Be confident.
288
00:11:11,563 --> 00:11:14,230
And most importantly, be casual.
289
00:11:14,419 --> 00:11:16,452
And confident.
290
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:19,068
Happy Thanksgiving!
291
00:11:19,070 --> 00:11:21,604
(LIVELY CHATTER)
292
00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:23,773
(CHATTER STOPS)
293
00:11:23,775 --> 00:11:26,843
Sweetie, your grandparents'
house is next door.
294
00:11:27,945 --> 00:11:29,388
Gobble-gobble.
295
00:11:31,071 --> 00:11:33,683
Damn. That girl is baked.
296
00:11:33,685 --> 00:11:34,837
(LAUGHTER)
297
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:38,688
Anyway, the only solution is diplomacy.
298
00:11:38,690 --> 00:11:40,423
(LIVELY CHATTER)
299
00:11:42,227 --> 00:11:44,591
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- Oh!
300
00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:46,829
Look who's here. Did
you have fun at Jenna's?
301
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,130
(GASPS) She knows.
302
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,205
Yes.
303
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,647
Fun was had.
304
00:11:53,009 --> 00:11:55,243
Talk like Yoda, she does.
305
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:57,746
Hey, Sam.
306
00:11:57,771 --> 00:12:01,110
- Hey. Happy turkey day, Sam.
- Hi-ya, champ.
307
00:12:01,112 --> 00:12:02,545
Why is everyone talking to me?
308
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:04,541
No one talks to me this much.
309
00:12:04,566 --> 00:12:06,649
Lark! Well, as always,
310
00:12:06,651 --> 00:12:09,018
it's been lovely almost
eating a meal with you.
311
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,686
Oh, no, Jen, sit down.
312
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:12,622
Let-let Sam watch Lark.
313
00:12:12,624 --> 00:12:13,890
Really?
314
00:12:13,892 --> 00:12:15,858
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
315
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,226
She'll outwit me.
316
00:12:17,228 --> 00:12:20,563
(SLOWLY): I hate babies.
317
00:12:21,983 --> 00:12:23,499
Too soft.
318
00:12:23,905 --> 00:12:26,402
Stop talking so fast!
319
00:12:26,404 --> 00:12:28,170
What are you talking about?
You always say Lark is
320
00:12:28,172 --> 00:12:30,215
like the little sister you never had.
321
00:12:30,731 --> 00:12:32,397
Ouch.
322
00:12:32,438 --> 00:12:34,160
Here, I'll help Sam.
323
00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:37,061
JEN: Oh, thank you so much.
324
00:12:39,035 --> 00:12:40,249
Dude, I don't know what you smoked,
325
00:12:40,251 --> 00:12:42,485
but Mom and Dad will
flip if they find out.
326
00:12:42,487 --> 00:12:44,587
You are way too young.
Also, do you have any more?
327
00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:46,622
- It's that obvious?
- Yeah.
328
00:12:46,624 --> 00:12:47,994
Am I going to die?
329
00:12:48,019 --> 00:12:49,292
No. You're not going to die.
330
00:12:49,294 --> 00:12:50,526
My heart is racing.
331
00:12:50,528 --> 00:12:52,061
I think I'm having a heart attack.
332
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:53,629
Can-can you tell if I'm
having a heart attack
333
00:12:53,631 --> 00:12:54,630
without touching my boob?
334
00:12:54,632 --> 00:12:56,365
Yeah.
335
00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:57,640
No.
336
00:13:06,187 --> 00:13:09,021
You can do this. Yeah.
337
00:13:12,387 --> 00:13:14,921
Girl, how'd you get back in my house?
338
00:13:15,757 --> 00:13:18,521
I have no idea.
339
00:13:18,523 --> 00:13:20,489
I'm so sorry.
340
00:13:23,962 --> 00:13:27,063
Better not have used my shell soaps.
341
00:13:31,956 --> 00:13:34,423
That's the best water I've ever tasted.
342
00:13:34,895 --> 00:13:36,642
Did I say that out loud?
343
00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:38,007
No, I think I'm good.
344
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,349
What?
345
00:13:39,721 --> 00:13:41,677
Who's ready for dinner?
346
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:43,312
Oh!
347
00:13:43,314 --> 00:13:46,849
Are you kidding me? The
meal is just starting?
348
00:13:46,851 --> 00:13:50,805
Now for our favorite
Thanksgiving tradition:
349
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,856
going around the table and
saying what we're thankful for.
350
00:13:53,858 --> 00:13:55,124
I'll go first.
351
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,235
(FADING): I'm thankful...
352
00:13:56,260 --> 00:13:59,328
Do I say corn? I
mean, I like corn.
353
00:13:59,330 --> 00:14:01,530
Corn is the freaking best.
354
00:14:01,532 --> 00:14:03,866
Did I say that out loud?
355
00:14:04,185 --> 00:14:05,801
Did I just say corn?
356
00:14:06,255 --> 00:14:07,269
No?
357
00:14:07,927 --> 00:14:08,915
Sam?
358
00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:12,083
Maybe there's another Sam here.
359
00:14:12,108 --> 00:14:13,599
(CLEARS THROAT)
360
00:14:13,624 --> 00:14:16,078
HEATHER: Sam, come on, let's go.
361
00:14:19,043 --> 00:14:20,643
Thanksgiving.
362
00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:23,886
A time to give thanks
363
00:14:23,888 --> 00:14:25,878
for the big things in life,
364
00:14:26,339 --> 00:14:27,423
like, uh,
365
00:14:27,425 --> 00:14:31,560
family, friends, corn,
366
00:14:31,562 --> 00:14:33,195
but, uh, also
367
00:14:33,197 --> 00:14:36,665
the smaller things, like
a smile across a table
368
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:39,733
or a parent's warm embrace.
369
00:14:39,758 --> 00:14:41,771
We must get out of our heads
370
00:14:41,773 --> 00:14:43,873
and into our hearts.
371
00:14:43,875 --> 00:14:47,576
And I am thankful to be a part
of the heart of this family.
372
00:14:48,201 --> 00:14:49,879
Happy Thanksgiving!
373
00:14:49,881 --> 00:14:52,314
Mm! Happy Thanksgiving.
374
00:14:52,316 --> 00:14:55,217
ALL: Happy Thanksgiving.
375
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:59,255
Sam, can I speak to you for a moment?
376
00:14:59,257 --> 00:15:01,757
Oh, no. Maybe if I close my eyes,
377
00:15:01,759 --> 00:15:04,093
I'll wake up with
my black family.
378
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:09,865
What you said at the
table was very sweet.
379
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,352
And we're very proud of you and
the young woman you're becoming.
380
00:15:12,377 --> 00:15:15,504
Ugh. We just wanted you to know that.
381
00:15:15,506 --> 00:15:19,108
This is a trap.
Don't say anything.
382
00:15:19,758 --> 00:15:21,477
Thanks, guys.
383
00:15:21,747 --> 00:15:23,579
I'm gonna go back to the table. Okay.
384
00:15:23,581 --> 00:15:25,881
Okay, yeah.
385
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,149
(SIGHS)
386
00:15:27,151 --> 00:15:29,118
You think she can tell that we're high?
387
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,753
No, we nailed it.
388
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:32,421
- Wha...
- (ROLLS TONGUE)
389
00:15:33,377 --> 00:15:35,245
_
390
00:15:44,297 --> 00:15:45,726
JOAN: Do we really need that
391
00:15:45,728 --> 00:15:48,180
crusty old thing at the table this year?
392
00:15:48,438 --> 00:15:51,266
I don't know, Pop-Pop is family.
393
00:15:51,291 --> 00:15:52,078
(JOAN LAUGHS)
394
00:15:52,103 --> 00:15:54,168
I'm talking about the knife.
395
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:57,204
This isn't just any
ordinary knife, Joanie.
396
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,839
It's our history.
397
00:15:58,841 --> 00:16:00,374
Cool. I want to see.
398
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:01,475
Smell it.
399
00:16:01,477 --> 00:16:02,944
- (SNIFFS)
- That's the smell
400
00:16:02,946 --> 00:16:06,135
of all the turkeys our forefathers ate.
401
00:16:06,252 --> 00:16:07,481
It smells like pine.
402
00:16:07,483 --> 00:16:10,256
Well, I also use it to
trim the Christmas tree,
403
00:16:10,281 --> 00:16:12,685
but this knife was my father's.
404
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:13,881
Yeah, he was in
405
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,691
Montgomery Ward, and
it called out to him.
406
00:16:16,693 --> 00:16:20,127
Uh, a really good knife
always chooses you.
407
00:16:20,129 --> 00:16:23,597
Plus, he had a coupon, and
this is a man... here I quote...
408
00:16:23,599 --> 00:16:26,267
Who got the most from his dental floss.
409
00:16:26,269 --> 00:16:29,660
This knife became part
of our family that day,
410
00:16:29,685 --> 00:16:30,538
and my father
411
00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:32,506
always carved at Thanksgiving
412
00:16:32,508 --> 00:16:34,974
with this knife for 30 years.
413
00:16:35,121 --> 00:16:36,153
And then one day,
414
00:16:36,178 --> 00:16:39,013
th-that honor was passed on to me.
415
00:16:39,015 --> 00:16:40,681
Wow.
416
00:16:40,683 --> 00:16:42,216
Will it choose me next?
417
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:44,652
Well... (STAMMERS) it
needs to pass through
418
00:16:44,677 --> 00:16:47,333
several older generations first,
419
00:16:47,358 --> 00:16:50,825
but, uh, if those shoes
of yours have rubber soles,
420
00:16:50,827 --> 00:16:54,038
- you could plug it in.
- Okay.
421
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:57,239
Excuse me, I'm sorry. (LAUGHS)
422
00:16:57,264 --> 00:16:58,746
(WHEEZING LAUGH): What are you doing?
423
00:16:58,771 --> 00:16:59,747
HEATHER (LAUGHING): I'm sorry.
424
00:16:59,772 --> 00:17:02,403
- Look at your dad's knife.
- I know.
425
00:17:02,405 --> 00:17:03,604
So sorry.
426
00:17:04,969 --> 00:17:05,811
Ow.
427
00:17:05,836 --> 00:17:08,042
Uh, looks like it's carving time.
428
00:17:08,044 --> 00:17:09,643
Who else is feeling munchie?
429
00:17:09,645 --> 00:17:12,413
- What?
- What?
430
00:17:12,415 --> 00:17:13,701
(KNIFE WHIRRING)
431
00:17:13,726 --> 00:17:16,090
Whoa! A little more kick this year, huh?
432
00:17:16,115 --> 00:17:16,717
Right?
433
00:17:16,742 --> 00:17:18,386
Yeah, sweetie, come
over here, sit by me.
434
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,789
Ooh, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! Dad!
435
00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:24,425
- John, our table!
- Oh, it's fine.
436
00:17:24,450 --> 00:17:26,217
I-I can sand it out.
437
00:17:29,876 --> 00:17:33,044
(GRUNTING)
438
00:17:33,956 --> 00:17:35,385
(SIGHS)
439
00:17:35,410 --> 00:17:37,338
Well, looks like my time has ended.
440
00:17:38,076 --> 00:17:40,627
The knife is ready
to choose someone new.
441
00:17:41,104 --> 00:17:43,196
It's a special day.
442
00:17:43,221 --> 00:17:44,779
Matt?
443
00:17:46,172 --> 00:17:47,081
Really?
444
00:17:47,083 --> 00:17:48,716
Well, you don't have much else.
445
00:17:48,718 --> 00:17:50,184
Thank you.
446
00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:53,433
Oh, babe, it's all right.
447
00:17:56,459 --> 00:17:58,759
(CHUCKLES)
448
00:18:03,433 --> 00:18:04,698
- Come on, Matt.
- You got it.
449
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:05,933
(GRUNTS)
450
00:18:05,935 --> 00:18:07,034
JOAN: Oh!
451
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,271
Well, no surprises there.
452
00:18:10,273 --> 00:18:11,639
It's all right.
453
00:18:11,641 --> 00:18:13,351
I don't really like
responsibility, anyway.
454
00:18:14,449 --> 00:18:16,463
My turn. (CLEARS THROAT)
455
00:18:16,488 --> 00:18:17,900
TYLER: Don't we have other knives?
456
00:18:18,894 --> 00:18:21,715
Times like this call for a
little extra testosterone.
457
00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:27,313
JOAN: Oh, Greg, you should
have your girdle for this.
458
00:18:27,338 --> 00:18:29,071
(PANTS, GRUNTING)
459
00:18:30,793 --> 00:18:32,960
Okay, you want to know what,
if you guys will just give me
460
00:18:32,962 --> 00:18:36,130
a few minutes to stretch, I
can really get at it, I'm sure.
461
00:18:36,132 --> 00:18:37,531
Why don't you just have Tim do it?
462
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:38,566
Yeah, how about my dad?
463
00:18:38,568 --> 00:18:40,634
Hmm? Yeah, I'll have another piece.
464
00:18:40,636 --> 00:18:42,069
No, babe, the knife.
465
00:18:42,071 --> 00:18:44,205
Oh. Cool. Here, hold this, babe.
466
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:45,840
- Oh, thanks. Oh, honey.
- Oh.
467
00:18:45,842 --> 00:18:47,341
Mom, d... oh, okay.
468
00:18:47,678 --> 00:18:50,744
Mmm. Mmm.
469
00:18:51,901 --> 00:18:53,801
(LAUGHS) (CHEERING)
470
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,684
I freaking love you, babe!
471
00:18:57,487 --> 00:18:59,487
Sure, after I loosen it up for him.
472
00:18:59,489 --> 00:19:00,721
Yeah, you did that.
473
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:01,922
The knife has chosen!
474
00:19:01,924 --> 00:19:03,524
- (MUFFLED): Yay for Tim!
- Yes!
475
00:19:03,526 --> 00:19:05,893
- Not sure I agree with the choice.
- Shh.
476
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:08,295
I've never felt so much power.
477
00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:10,364
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- (KNIFE WHIRRING)
478
00:19:10,366 --> 00:19:13,134
Hey, thank you, John, for the honor.
479
00:19:13,136 --> 00:19:15,436
I will not let you down, any of you!
480
00:19:15,438 --> 00:19:16,470
- No!
- Okay.
481
00:19:16,472 --> 00:19:19,106
The Short family knife is safe with me.
482
00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:22,787
(ALL SCREAMING)
483
00:19:22,834 --> 00:19:23,679
Oh, that is deep!
484
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,504
- Dad!
- Oh, my God!
485
00:19:26,349 --> 00:19:28,048
I see bone! I see bone!
486
00:19:28,050 --> 00:19:30,584
Oh! Oh, my God! Shut it off! Greg!
487
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:31,764
Shut off the knife!
488
00:19:31,789 --> 00:19:33,754
Yeah, okay!
489
00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:35,856
Ow! It's just raw wire!
490
00:19:35,858 --> 00:19:37,191
I'm gonna throw up!
491
00:19:37,193 --> 00:19:38,492
You're a doctor!
492
00:19:38,494 --> 00:19:41,562
It's ear, nose and throat,
not ear, nose and thumb!
493
00:19:41,564 --> 00:19:43,197
(CLAMORING CONTINUES)
494
00:19:44,567 --> 00:19:46,199
I'm calling an ambulance.
495
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,152
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
496
00:19:48,177 --> 00:19:50,337
Sam, get some bandages!
497
00:19:50,513 --> 00:19:52,046
Samantha!
498
00:19:52,071 --> 00:19:55,523
Oh, right. Sorry, I
thought I already did this.
499
00:19:55,548 --> 00:19:57,602
Um, Thanksgiving.
500
00:19:57,627 --> 00:20:00,681
A time to give thanks for the
big things in life, like...
501
00:20:00,683 --> 00:20:02,583
- John!
- I got this.
502
00:20:03,350 --> 00:20:05,085
The knife's not gonna hurt me.
503
00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:07,021
- Corn...
- I'm going down.
504
00:20:07,023 --> 00:20:09,023
- HEATHER: No, you're not.
- TIM: I'm going down.
505
00:20:09,025 --> 00:20:10,824
Aah! It's gone rogue!
506
00:20:10,826 --> 00:20:12,893
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- (GROANING)
507
00:20:12,895 --> 00:20:14,662
- Kill it!
- I can't get it!
508
00:20:15,402 --> 00:20:16,430
Kill it!
509
00:20:16,432 --> 00:20:18,933
Yeah! God!
510
00:20:18,935 --> 00:20:20,568
- (WHIRRING STOPS)
- (LAUGHS)
511
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,504
Hey, John.
512
00:20:23,684 --> 00:20:25,366
What has one usable thumb
513
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:28,225
and wants to apologize for
ruining Thanksgiving dinner?
514
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,741
And dessert.
515
00:20:29,766 --> 00:20:32,629
I mean, you plunged your
bloody hand into the ice cream.
516
00:20:32,944 --> 00:20:35,265
I don't remember that.
I must've blacked out.
517
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:36,833
We-we ate around it.
518
00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:39,102
Anyway, I'm sorry.
519
00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:40,457
I can't accept this.
520
00:20:40,482 --> 00:20:43,340
Maybe later I'll be able
to earn the right to...
521
00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:44,675
Ooh. Aah!
522
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:47,277
- Aah!
- My toe! Oh!
523
00:20:47,972 --> 00:20:52,972
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524
00:20:53,022 --> 00:20:57,572
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