Original subtitles

_

Hey, you guys, guess what I found in my room.

That pillow you used to call Rob Lowe?

- No. - Oh, remember when I washed

the Rob Lowe pillow in a new detergent,

and you got a rash all over your body?

It was everywhere.

Why was it everywhere, Heather?

No. Mom, thank you.

I found the map

- for the time capsule that we buried. - No way!

Do you remember, we were gonna dig it up in high school,

and then, you know, we stopped being nerds.

(FORCED LAUGH)

Yeah, I wouldn't remember,

'cause you guys never included me in anything.

I'd always hear you guys give each other

the secret signal.

(WHISPERING): "Greg's asleep.

Greg is asleep."

But I wasn't.

- No, we knew that. - Yeah.

That's what made it so funny.

Yeah, well, it left me psychologically scarred.

I mean, not as much as the time

that Dad busted in on me holding a shotgun

while I was pooping, but still.

Oh, I remember that.

- Mm. - Why don't you go dig it up?

It would be so much fun.

- I'm in if you are. - I-I'm totally in.

GREG: Yeah! Wonder Twins activate!

Hey, you guys aren't twins. They're not twins.

It's okay. We'll make popsicles.

Just like we did all those Friday nights

when you were in high school.

(STAMMERS) Mom, I'm married now, okay?

- Okay. - I'll have to ask Jen.

This is really nice.

Yeah. This is much better than making popsicles.

(CHUCKLES)

MATT AND HEATHER: Greg's asleep!

Greg's asleep!

- What is that? - Greg's asleep!

That is the sound of my brother and sister loving me!

- (GRUNTS) Greg! - I'm coming!

Greg's asleep!

Greg is asleep!

You can come, too, if you want, honey!

No, I'll just stay here with our baby.

Hey, guys.

Listen, Sophia knows exactly

what's in that basket, so don't take anything, okay?

Yeah, okay. Oh, hey, listen, before we go,

I-I just wanted to say that, you know,

I-I'm really touched that you included me.

I mean, all of my life, all I wanted was...

Told you we should've left him at home.

Yeah. O-Okay.

I'm just trying to say I love you guys, that's all.

- MATT: Shut up, Greg! - (BICYCLE BELLS RINGING)

Love you a lot.

HEATHER: Come on!

- Come on! - It's okay... yeah, I'm coming!

I'm coming!

Wait up, guys!

(HEATHER WHOOPS)

(WHISPERS): Okay.

All right.

Here, here.

- Thanks. - And a light.

Here.

All right, ten running mans

- that way. - Okay.

MATT: All right.

One, two, three...

Okay. This is the drain pipe.

"Don't look into it, or you will get flushed up into the toilet."

- Whoa. - Yeah.

Don't look, don't look, don't look. Good job.

MATT: This is so great.

I haven't been to this park for, like, 30 years.

- HEATHER: Really? - Oh, yeah.

I mean, I was too cool in high school,

and now that I'm an adult,

I just buy my drugs online like everybody else.

Well, when you and Colleen have kids,

you'll be here, like, every day.

Why? Because this is the place I'm gonna

set them free because I can't afford them?

Hey. I thought you were excited about starting a family.

Oh, totally.

The kind of excited where you wake up

in a puddle of sweat every night.

- Oh, you get the night sweats, too? - Oh, yeah.

Tim says it might be meat related.

You could be over-sausage-ing.

Huh.

I just, I don't know about the whole baby thing,

guys, seriously.

What if I screw up?

It's okay.

I mean, that's really what parenting is.

It's just making one terrible decision after the next.

- (LAUGHS) - And then just trying to fix it before Jen finds out.

I don't know, man. You said yourself,

I scarred you. I mean, what if that's all that I'm good at?

Hey.

Three-fingered tree.

And just on the other side is Stumpy Joe.

- MATT: Stumpy Joe. - GREG: Stumpy Joe.

- Stumpy... let's go! - Come on, man.

Oh, look.

- There's our X. - (CHUCKLES): Oh.

HEATHER: Wow!

Look at that! Oh! Oh, it's wet.

And it didn't rain. Yeah, something probably peed here.

Oh, man. You know, we could be digging here all night,

depending on how deep you guys...

- (CLANK) - There's our time capsule.

Oh. So, what did you bury it in?

Like, a waterproof safe or a hollowed-out missile?

Okay.

Oh, just generic can. That's cool.

Hey, can I open it?

Yeah, no, you should definitely open it.

- Oh... - Oh.

Ugh.

HEATHER: Oh, God, are those bones?

MATT: Oh, you know what?

I don't think that this is the map

to where we buried the time capsule.

I think this is the map

to where we buried your dead guinea pig.

Super Greggy?

But Mom said he ran away because I refused to take a bath.

Tell him, Matt, just tell him.

Tell me what, Matthew?

Dad sucked Super Greggy up into the Shop-Vac.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I was trying to protect you.

Dad killed all kinds of stuff you never knew about.

Hey, look at that protective instinct.

You're already a mama bear.

Yeah, but it was just so embarrassing to watch Greg cry.

Well, that is a very important part of parenting.

- Fear and shame. - Yeah.

You're gonna be great at this.

Huh, you know, maybe you're right.

Think of all the scars you saved me from getting.

I mean, not physical scars,

'cause you were always very, very rough with me.

Yeah. But you know what?

It turned out okay.

I mean, we all did. Huh?

Thanks, you guys.

Well, at least, uh, Super Greggy Two died of natural causes.

- Natural causes? - Yeah.

Dad thought he was a moldy orange

and threw him against a tree.

Wow.

Gonna need to take some time.

Put him back.

All right.

(SIGHS)

_

Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late. Oh, my God,

you guys must be starving.

I could not get a Lyft to come get me.

I mean, I got connected, but then the driver cancelled.

Why does that keep happening?

Well, what's your rating?

I don't know. Greg says I can't check

without incurring some huge fee or something.

GREG: Yes, that's right, Heather.

It ends up costing me quite a lot.

Oh, God, Greg. Don't be crazy. Anybody can check their rating.

Okay, you know what, let's talk about something else, shall we?

Let's talk about Matt and how poor he is.

- How poor is he? - Oh.

1.2.

What did you do to these drivers?

No, no, no. This can't be right.

1.2?

I'm a four, and I've never once

guessed my driver's ethnicity correctly.

I-I just, I don't understand. Why would anyone ever

rate me this low? Like, I'm a great passenger.

GREG: You are. You have one star.

That's a good star.

I mean, the-the sun is one star.

You know? I-I... I love you.

No, this is not right.

I am polite.

I'm tidy. I'm nice.

I mean, I'm nicer than the average person,

mostly because the average person is a living nightmare.

God, I hate people. What was my point?

Oh, yeah. Who's super nice?

This girl.

What? Why is everyone looking at the trees?

You got to butter up your driver a little bit, Jen.

You know, it's like high school when you need to make "friends"

with the bus driver, let him think you're gonna maybe

meet him behind the roller rink.

Cool specific example, Heather.

HEATHER: Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, Sophia.

You know you're done with the sugar.

I'm so sorry. I knew she wasn't allowed.

She's just so charming.

Yeah.

Took forever to get this Lyft.

Yeah, but now we're up and running.

We got a full aunt and niece bonding day ahead. You excited?

You know me. If there's candy, I'm getting in the car.

Okay, we're gonna circle back to that,

'cause that's slightly problematic, but for now,

how about we get to know our driver a little bit, huh?

- Can you not distract me? - What's up?

- I'm trying to concentrate on the road. - Oh.

(IMITATES RETCHING) Oh, my God.

Driving and eating.

(GROANS): Ooh, and it's tuna.

Wow, with that amazing air freshener,

I can barely even smell your seafood sandwich.

Is that sandalwood?

It is.

I see you.

I see what you do.

("HandClap" by Fitz and The Tantrums playing)

? Turn it up ?

? Somebody save your soul ?

? 'Cause you've been sinning in this city ?

? I know, too many troubles ?

? All these lovers got you losing control ?

? You're like a drug to me, a luxury, my sugar and gold ?

? I want the good life, every good night ?

? You're a hard one to hold... ?

And it took a little girl to teach me

that a brother's love is more important

than all the slot machines in the world.

And?

And... I love you.

I love you.

(WHISPERS): And I love you.

? That I can make your hands clap. ?

There's this new ice cream place across town I want to try.

The soft serve comes out of faucets,

and the cups are little, tiny toilets.

Real wacky stuff.

Yeah, but we just got you ice cream.

Look, Aunt Jen, we both know what's going on here.

What? What do you mean?

(CHUCKLES): What's going on? What?

You're using me to raise your Lyft rating,

and I'm using you

to get unlimited sugar.

What's the problem here?

No problem here.

What else you got in that magic bag of yours?

Uh... gummy fish?

Why not? I could use the protein.

Damn.

Well, looks like you two had a big day, huh?

Sophia, he's talking to you.

Sophia.

Oh, no. Um...

Yeah, we did, and, um...

has anyone ever told you you're weatherman handsome?

My mother used to say that.

- Oh. - But she's dead.

- Okay. - So it's really nice

to hear it from somebody else.

Say, you know what's weird?

She kind of looks like her.

Hey, wait a minute.

You don't think she could actually be...?

Oh, I think for sure.

Yeah, totally, totally, totally.

Yeah, Sophia's a very old soul.

- Huh. - See?

She can't even stay up past 4:00.

(BOTH LAUGH)

JEN: (SIGHS) Home, sweet home,

and we only hit two curbs.

- Five stars for you. - And you, too.

Really? Yay!

Move it, Sophia. Come on, I got a great rating.

We got to get out of here before he realizes

you're not the ghost of his dead mom.

I think I ate some bad fish.

(VOMITING, COUGHING)

Are you serious?!

Oh. Ugh. Oh, my God.

Um, yeah, but you know what?

Your mom is really trying to tell you something.

MAN: Support. How can I help you?

I'd like to report a passenger for suspension.

No. What?! Oh, come on, dude.

I was doing so well.

Well, I'd like to report

that your car smells better with vomit in it.

And your mom thinks so, too.

- Tell him, Mom. - (VOMITING)

She's busy.

_

Are those Meyer Lemons?

Uh, yeah.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Oh, that's such a sexy smell.

(LAUGHS) If I knew you loved them that much, Mom,

I would've taken more from Pam and Darryl's tree.

- What? - Put these back on the tree.

- They're blood lemons. - Oh, Mom, come on.

She gave them to me.

No, it's all part of her game.

She wants to put her extra trash in our bins?

And if I take

- just one lemon... - Mm-hmm.

Then she gains the leverage to do that.

Okay, Mom, there are actual wars going on in the world, okay?

Oh, my God, do we not have any Chardonnay left?

(SNIFFING)

(LAUGHS): Hey, Mom, listen.

Pam just invited us over for ladies' poker night.

It's mostly just an excuse to eat cheese

and then talk about how we shouldn't be eating cheese.

Isn't that fantastic?

You always regret eating cheese.

Oh, I would just slow you down, though.

I've never played poker before.

Even better. See you tomorrow!

(PAM LAUGHS)

Bring some extra cash,

you know, to make it interesting.

I also charge for soda.

Is that my lemon?

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFS) Mmm, that's ripe.

- (BOTH LAUGH) - Ciao, bella.

Now do you believe it's not a game?

It's just a silly poker night with a bunch of girls.

What do you have to lose?

$300 is the buy-in.

What?! That's my entire monthly hair removal budget.

Mom, maybe we should sit this one out.

No, I just got all this

from the change we've been saving up.

But you know what?

The fun we had at the Coinstar machine was enough.

Yo, wash your hands.

I got hepatitis from that once.

All right, everybody's in.

Consider it payment for my first poker lesson.

(WOMEN GROANING)

Ginger ale, anyone?

- Ooh! - $2.50.

I have two of the people.

Is that anything?

Ah, they're not the same people, so you have nothing.

Really? But they're so dressed up.

It's your turn to be the big blind, Joan.

But I don't understand the rules yet.

I don't understand how medicine works,

but I still have to dispense it at the pharmacy.

Mm-hmm.

I see you...

I see you, too, Pam. You look great.

Oh, no, Mom.

"I see you"... that's-that's poker talk.

PAM: I see you,

and I raise you $50.

Unless you want to fold.

No, I don't want to fold. I want to unfold.

- You want to call. - I want to call.

Actually, you can't 'cause you don't have

enough to cover, so...

How about, instead of money,

you offer something else?

I don't know, maybe, um...

I put my spillover garbage in your cans?

(GASPS)

(WHISPERING): You were right.

This is a game.

And if I win,

I get to pick lemons off your tree,

when seasonally appropriate.

Deal.

Because I've got

three... little...

piggies, and they're crying

"wee-wee-wee" all the way home to your recycle bin.

That's an interesting story.

Once upon a time, there was a rabbit and a fox,

both very cunning animals.

The fox, especially.

She lets the rabbit think she's harmless, you know.

Perhaps they're even friends.

And then, one day,

without warning, she strikes.

And...

that... is...

how... you...

lose.

Oh, thank God, Mom. For a minute there,

I thought you were just really, really stupid.

Yo, that fox/rabbit thing she said,

is that a well-known parable?

It is now.

I'm so glad that I met all of you, and perhaps someday

you'll tell me the story of how you all became friends.

PAM: Well played, Joan.

Maybe you and I need to take a ride out to Vegas together.

Oh, I'd love that, but...

I've been banned from all the good casinos.

_

JOAN: John?

John? The...

- John! - Hmm?

The dishwasher repairman did come by yesterday.

He stood at the door

for 15 minutes trying to get your attention.

I'm not gonna suffer though

a "La Cucaracha" doorbell when you can't even hear it.

That's impossible.

You didn't hear the bell.

No, you go to hell, Joanie.

TIM: All right. Let's get these on you there.

Now, don't worry, John, I do this test at work all the time.

You hear a noise, you raise your hand.

While your hand is up, I'll say,

"Who thinks I'm handsome?"

We both laugh. Five stars on Yelp.

You bring it. I'll beat you at any test.

(LAUGHS): No, no. This isn't you against me.

I'm already in your head.

Okay, let's, uh, let's begin. Shall we?

(TONE PLAYS)

(BARKS)

See? I still got it. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

- JOAN: Coming! - (BARKING)

Oh, go ahead, run out on me.

You're only cheating yourself, John.

Look, there's nothing to be upset about.

It's very natural for a man your age

to start losing his hearing, but look,

you still got your figure.

God, I'd kill for a bod like that.

I am not getting hearing aids.

JOHN: Hey!

Huh?

You like 'em?

I call 'em "A Beat Off by John."

Suddenly I feel less embarrassed

my dad's still rocking a French braid.

- Oh, what was that, honey? - Hmm?

You got to speak right into the mic.

It's like I'm delivering a special message

at a bar mitzvah.

Um... wow.

Mazel, Joshy. You're a man now.

Okay. Uh, hey, Mom,

would you, uh, would you pass the...

- asparagus. - Yeah.

Sure.

So, honey,

how's the construction going?

Oh, gosh, you know what? It was a crazy week,

but I feel like it's finally starting...

What am I doing with this?

Give it to your sister. She's talking.

And then we'll start doing the drywall next week, which is...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, Greg.

- The bagels! The bagels! - Oh, dude, no!

Hey, this is for our father.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

So, um...

the insurance company finally got a check to us,

so now we can actually pay the contractors.

That money was from the insurance company?

Oh, God, no, what did you spend it on, Tim?

I bought a leather beanbag chair.

- Oh, what? - And a leather hat.

- HEATHER: Oh! - But they gave me a free vest.

Well, okay.

Hey, keep up, Greg.

I'm not hearing everything.

Tim got a stupid hat.

Hey, Dad, you want to...

Just a suggestion.

Maybe go wireless.

Wireless?

And have every FBI van at the curb hearing us?

No, thank you.

Hey, check out the range on this baby.

Hey, Mom-Mom, are these brownies kid-safe...

Whoa, look out!

- Oh! - JOAN: Oh!

This is more embarrassing

than when Dad wears his jeans in the pool.

Mom, Sophia is trying to get out

of Grandparents' Day at school,

unless she can convince Tim to wear his old man makeup.

Sometimes, he tries to get into movies for three bucks less.

Does that really work?

Because last Halloween, I went as Orville Redenbacher.

I thought you were Mark Twain.

Why would I go as Mark Twain?

JOAN: Kids,

I've tried to talk to your father,

but he can be surprisingly sensitive

for someone who still wears an "I love to fart" T-shirt.

Mom, he just looks so stupid.

Nah, nah, nah, nah... (STAMMERS)

HEATHER: Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.

God, I-I just, I meant...

I think I'm picking up a police scanner.

Yeah, apparently, there's a murder-suicide down the block.

- Oh, thank goodness. - Oh, thank you.

JOAN: Honey,

please try hearing aids.

I don't want to look old.

You start replacing parts on me,

and eventually you're gonna replace all of me.

I'll be gone.

I'm not letting you go anywhere.

Well...

And you won't be old in these.

They're almost invisible.

They hook up to your phone,

and so you can control the volume.

Well...

they are awfully dope.

Hey. Great news, guys.

Mom-Mom gave me aids.

(WHISPERS): Hearing aids.

Oh.

Here. Have some coffee.

- Hmm? - (POURS LOUDLY)

(CHEWING LOUDLY)

(TAPPING KEYS LOUDLY)

(PHONE WHOOSHES LOUDLY)

(AMPLIFIED): So, my friend Susan

was attacked by birds.

How are they working, dear?

Do you want to turn up the volume?

Oh, I forgot you could do that.

So, Tim, uh,

how's everything been with you?

I really want to hear.

Oh, you stepped in it now, John.

Well, I, um, actually, I joined a leather club,

(VOLUME DECREASING): but that was... actually,

I-I should start at the beginning.

(VOLUME FADES)

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