All language subtitles for Life in Pieces s02e08 Window Vanity Dress Grace.eng

_

Hey, do you think the Lyft
driver could tell we were drunk?

Well, not the Lyft driver,

but maybe the driver of
the first car you got into.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hi, Amanda.

Hey, how did Lark do?

Great... we played outside.

Until that guy with the
shopping cart walked by.

Oh, yeah, that's a good call.

You're not going to believe this,

but he's not actually going shopping.

Hey, I'm going to get
out of these clothes.

All right? Put on some tunes,
maybe fire up a scented candle?

- I'm into it, I'm into it.
- Thank you!

Uh, here, let me write you a check.

Thanks, Jen.

And I love those shoes.

Thank you.

Hey, you can borrow them

for your sister's wedding if you want.

She called it off.

What?

(gasps): I knew it.

What was it, secret family?

Secret boyfriend... and not hers.

Well, you know what I say.

Never trust a man with Botox.

Unless he's giving you Botox.

Honey, you coming to bed?

JEN: I guess that's why you
should never get your vows

tattooed on your lower back.

Zing!

(laughing flatly)

You guys, uh,

you good?

BOTH: Yeah.

Well, I'm, uh...

I'm going to go put
in my retainer and...

go to bed.

Okay, honey, love you.

Love you.

- Bye.
- Night-night.

Those are his special jammies.

It's like this every time.

Jen and I come back from a night out

with a little buzz.

Things start getting a
little hot, and then...

Start picturing your mom and it's over.

What? No.

Jen starts talking to our babysitter.

Next thing I know, it's two hours later.

They've opened up a bottle
of wine, started chatting,

and I'm sitting there in
my silk pajamas for nothing.

You know, and those things
got to get dry cleaned.

Your sex window closed.

Sex window?

Yeah, you know, when
you start having kids,

you got a very small
amount of time to have sex.

It's usually right after
the kids go to sleep

and before you're so
exhausted that you fall asleep.

Yes! My babysitter's
killed my sex window.

I'll tell you what you need to do.

Next time you want to go
out, you hire Samantha.

She won't stick around
and chat with Jen.

Teenagers do not like talking to adults.

That is a fantastic idea.

Yeah, and I'll drop
her off and pick her up,

that way you'll know
she'll leave right away

and your sex window stays open.

Just make sure you close
it before Mom sneaks in.

Okay, wait... are you talking
about your mom or my mom?

Whichever one's not weird.

I know we say it every year,

but can this be the last year
we go to the ugly sweater party?

I cannot wait to take this thing off.

Well, I cannot wait

to take it off of you.

(slurring): Hey, you
guys are 45 minutes late!

Oh, yeah, sorry.

We ran into these friends
we hadn't seen in forever.

Oh, yeah, do I know them?
Were they at the wedding?

Was it the couple with the turtles?

Doesn't matter... who cares, right?

It's time to get Sam home, right?

Bedtime.

(snorts): I can't drive right now.

I'm sorry, what?

You guys weren't here,
so I started drinking.

What else am I supposed
to do to pass the time?

Uh, I don't know, uh, talk to Sam?

I don't like talking to adults.

All right, well, I'm going
to let you guys work out

whatever this is,

and I'm going to hop into my cozies.

No... no, no, no, no, no, no, no cozies!

Tim!

Yeah, bro.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Uh-oh, sounds like last call.

You don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here.

Why would you start drinking if
you knew you had to drive home?

Hey, not my fault you were late.

Besides I was still feeling that glow.

What glow?

Well, you know, all the kids were out,

so Heather and I had
ourselves a good little time

with the house all to ourselves.

- That's why you offered up Sam to babysit.
- Mmm.

You created your own sex window
and you traded it for mine.

Had to... you know...

it's hard to get that window open.

It's been painted shut with
years of children and pets

and intermittent weight gain.

Yeah, well, that's
your problem, not mine.

Come on, we're getting in the car.

- No.
- Let's go, come on!

Sam, come on, taking you home.

Come on, chop-chop.

(tinkling and crunching)

All right!

You're home, now get out.

Sam?

Honey, thank you.

You ran over my bike!

Oh, come on, like you ever use it.

SAMANTHA: Oh, I forgot to tell you.

I think Lark may be allergic to...

Yeah, yeah, she's a baby.

She's doing new stuff all the time.

(tires squeal)

He's right, I never ride that thing.

Ta-da! No.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, Jen!

(softly): Jen, wake up,
don't close the window!

Wake up, wake up, wake up!

- Huh? Oh, my God.
- Hi.

- Hi!
- Hi, I'm so sorry.

I fell asleep.

It's okay, because, look.

You're up now, so...

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, you know what?

Let's, um, let's just set an early alarm

and we can, we can try
again in the morning.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Yeah, that's way better
than doing it tonight.

Eh...

Okay, I love you.

Love you, too.

Okay.

(phone alarm going off)

Yeah, right.

(alarm stops)

_

I love my new vanity.

I'm sorry I couldn't keep
a secret till Christmas,

but I just got too excited.

Will you have it built
before my sleepover tonight?

Oh, yeah.

I promised makeovers,

and some of my friends
are in desperate need.

Well, that shouldn't be a problem

unless your Uncle Matt holds me up.

What... you begged me to help.

Well, Greg has his ultimate Frisbee game

and Tim is hungover, so here we are.

Hey, Dad, how many, uh, fluber
rods are we supposed to have?

Well, I don't know about
you, but I just got the one.

- (giggles)
- No.

Huh?

These things... how many of these

do the instructions say
we're supposed to have?

- This is the instructions?
- Yeah.

Oh, I don't know what
country this is from,

but I guarantee you they
couldn't beat us in a war.

Whoa, what are you doing?!

Unless the instructions say
to tear up the instructions,

that's really stupid.

There's a picture right
here of the finished product,

and that's a lot more than
Frank Lloyd Webber ever had.

And he did okay.

Right, but he had blueprints
and a different name.

Well, excuse me.

Sir Frank Lloyd
Webber, good for him.

Hmm, something must be wrong
with the picture from the box.

(sighs): Okay, let's just go online

and find an instructional video.

The wiffy password's seven, big S.

Now, just so I'm clear.

That little girl thinks
her daddy's in Iraq

and he's really hiding in a
cardboard box in her school gym?

Yeah, just watch her face when
she sees him for the first time.

(crying): Oh, makes
me want to re-enlist.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait till you see the
one about the police dog

that has to be euthanized and is
walking past a line of officers.

Don't look at me, you don't
want to see your old man cry.

Oh, my God.

You guys are watching videos?

Sophia's friends are
going to be here in an hour

and that little Mallory
needs a makeover.

Her bangs are so stale.

Okay, okay, all right.

- Let's focus, huh?
- Yeah.

I think that this could help us.

Hi, guys! Today we are going
to be putting together a vanity

so I can look in it
and see how ugly I am.

Just kidding!

Comment below how pretty you think I am.

The best compliment is
going to get a shout-out.

20 million people have watched this.

I want a shout-out.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Can we please just follow her
instructions and finish this?

Why don't you follow
my instructions, huh?

Go to my garage,

grab a handful of 100 regular
wood screws and my power drill.

Fine.

But don't you watch any
sad videos without me.

I saw you eyeing the one about
unlikely animal friendships.

Don't!

All right, I think we
got ourselves a vanity.

You want to give it a test drive, Soph,

or wait for your ugly friends?

- I'm going to try it.
- All right.

I'm giving you guys one star on Yelp.

Oh, we don't need handles.

It just takes you longer
to get to your rouge.

(glass breaking)

(muttering): We, we don't need mirrors.

It just encourages vanity...

Merry Christmas, Soph.

Is this a joke so I'll
appreciate the real gift?

Uh, yeah!

There's no way we can fix this.

This is why we shouldn't
have used wood screws.

Why didn't you say something?

I've been following your lead.

Why couldn't we have just
followed the instructions?

Why'd you even ask for my help

if you weren't going to
listen to a word that I say?

Hmm.

I miss hanging out with you.

Really?

Well, you moved out of the garage

and I miss having a buddy.

Greg may be our favorite,

but you're the one I got
used to having around.

Uncle Matt, are you crying?

No, it's this damn police dog video.

Poor fella.

Yeah, he could sniff out a bomb,

but, uh, he couldn't
sniff out his own cancer.

Guys, I know you're having a moment,

but my friends will be here any minute

and I promised them a spectacle.

SOPHIA: Thank you so much.

Who needs a vanity for makeovers

when everyone looks good in this light?

(whispers): Even Mallory.

Well, may not have been
exactly what we set out to do,

but we made one little girl
very happy this Christmas.

We sure did.

I wish Greg was here.

(flatly): Thanks, Dad.

Oh, you know who would really love this?

Don't say Greg.

Okay.

Let's just watch the fire.

Let's try on some dresses.

(cheering)

Well, you, not me.

I wait until after the store closes.

_

Merry Christmas, ladies.

WOMEN: Thanks, Chris.

We are going to find this
bride-to-be's perfect dress.

(women exclaiming)

Whoever cries first wins.

Oh, this is going to be so fun. Whee!

Honey, I know your mom couldn't be here,

but don't worry, I'll
be your substitute mom

and I could even pretend things
are complicated between us.

Anything, just to make
this a special day for you.

Thank you so much, Joan.

Just don't run off with Chris, okay?

Because that's something
my real mom would do.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I feel like that's not an option.

You don't know her.

- This day is special for me, too...
- Oh!

because I didn't get to do this

for Heather's wedding
because she was pregnant,

and Jen bought her dress in a
thrift store because she's edgy.

Yeah, hey, quick tip.

Go for the couture dresses first

so they start pouring the good bubbly.

And then at the last minute,

you go over and get a knock-off dress,

because the champagne is
already in our stomachs,

so take that, bitches.

Let's try on some dresses.

(women exclaim)

Well, you, not me.

I wait until after the store closes.

Come on.

Chris, honey, running
on empty over here.

Thank you.

So, what do we think?

That looks fun to dance in.

JEN: Yeah, it's...

I'm almost at a loss for words.

Joan, I'm going to pass the mic to you.

Terrible.

Oh, my...

Oh, I didn't mean that, honey.

- It just popped out.
- It's fine!

You are beautiful.

Cut me off, it's the champagne.

COLLEEN: No, I'm not crazy
about this dress, either.

It's just, Chris wanted me
to channel my inner Chris.

Oh, don't do that to her, ever.

Oh, oh, no, sure... you know what?

I have some princess necklines

and some cap sleeves.

My middle name is options.

Oh.

Isn't this so fun?

OTHERS: So fun!

Options!

Anyone else sick of Chris?

What about... this one?

Tavern hussy.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's okay, it's an
upgrade from pirate wench.

There's more where this came from.

I don't mean to be dramatic,

because that seems to be Chris's thing,

but have we been here for
1,001 black, moonless nights?

Yeah, maybe even longer.

But you know what, if you
want to get out of here,

all you have to do is,
next time she comes out,

tell her you love it,
and then we can skedaddle.

I don't know, this seems

like such an important
thing to lie about.

No, come on, just make something up.

Here try it out on me.

Jen, I love how you...

You know what? I'm
regretting this already.

Okay, but I have a good one

for the next time you wear that outfit.

Okay, so when she comes out,

you just tell her that
it looks beautiful.

Oh, I need some more champagne

if I'm going to lie like this.

I heard the C word.

What about this one?

Boo!

Okay, I'm going to keep trying, okay.

Joan!

Well, I just can't
bear the thought of her

walking down the aisle in a
dress that's less than perfect.

Hey, guys, check this out.

Huh?

This is the dress I
totally would have worn

when I got married had
I not been knocked up.

I think dressing like that
is what got you knocked up.

Do you think that Colleen would mind

if I wore this to the wedding?

I mean, of course, she wouldn't
mind... why would she mind?

I'm going to wear it, but let's keep it

as, like, a fun surprise,
so don't tell her.

(sighs)

Hey, how's it going in here?

Pretty good... I think the next
one's going to do the trick.

Okay, um, listen,

Joan is feeling a lot of pressure

to make sure that you
find the perfect dress,

and you should really just
choose the one you want.

You know, the one that makes you happy,

or really any dress, because
this is a living nightmare.

I already picked a dress.

What?

I want to wear my dream dress.

The dress I bought the
first time I was engaged.

But then I found out
that this day of shopping

meant so much to Joan.

Okay, so we've, we've been
here all day for nothing.

Yeah.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

I just thought I was being so thoughtful

because I wanted this to be the day

that she never had with Heather.

Well, that is very sweet.

- I thought so.
- Yeah.

But seriously, don't ever
pull this crap with me again.

I got a sitter for this.

Oh, Chris, thank you so much

for helping me find
the dress of my dreams.

Oh, my wife wore something
like that at our wedding.

Oh.

Confused?

So was I.

- It's so pretty.
- Oh, thank you.

But you know it's not a dress, right?

It's bridal lingerie.

Please don't ruin my special day.

(whispers): Clementine's
been coming on to me.

Clementine who?

Tyler's wife.

(laughing)

_

Heather, someone ate
my secret Pop-Tarts

I had hidden behind the rice cakes.

I know they were there.

I was thinking about them
all day and now they're gone.

(gasps): And my secret Reese's cups

that were hidden behind the kale chips!

Well, I'm sure somebody
got hungry and ate them.

You know, there's more
people in the house now.

Too many people in this house.

When I look under that treadmill,

there'd better be a
box of Krispy Kremes.

I don't think your dad
wants me living here.

What makes you say that?

I overheard him saying

there's too many people in the house.

I'm the too many people.

Or maybe he's mad we're
freeloading, which we are,

and if we want to keep
freeloading, which we do,

we should go out of our
way to be extra nice to him.

Okay, I could do that.

What are you doing?

Hm?

Let me do that.

No, you don't...

No.

Hey, that's... that's my sponge mitt.

You just sit there and watch,

and tell me if I miss a spot.

Sit!

Heather! Heather?

CLEMENTINE: Hey.

They all went out.

It's just you and me.

It's okay.

I won't let you get lonely.

Should I put on a show for you?

What?

No, I don't think that'd be appropriate.

Don't worry, I know what you like.

No, you don't.

When Sharks Attack, right?

Oh, man.

- Things are about to get weird.
- Yeah?

Listen, Heather, I
think it's time you knew

that Clementine's been hitting on me.

Clementine who?

Our daughter-in-law.

I was hoping it would just pass,

but she keeps sending me these signals.

Yeah, like the barista
sends you signals,

like when she puts a heart in your foam?

Hey, they don't do that for everybody.

Some people just get a dollop.

Mm-hmm, yeah, listen.

Honey, I'm so glad that you told me this

because I can go talk to Jen

about filing a restraining
order against Clementine.

No, you shouldn't
have to live like that.

I mean, just in case, let's...

Just in case what?

Oh, Tim's going to tell you.

Christmas is about to
come early for you guys.

What's going on?

This is going to sound crazy but, um...

(whispers): Clementine's
been coming on to me.

Clementine who?

Tyler's wife.

(laughing)

Yes, I thought it was a little
unbelievable myself, at first,

but it's really happening.

So when she comes out here,
you tell me if I'm wrong.

Oh, I could just tell you right now.

You're wrong.

(sighs): I hope this does the trick.

Guacamole is my dad's favorite.

He eats it like pudding.

I wish he didn't like it so spicy.

I got some of this
haba?ero juice on my lips

and now they're burning like hell.

Oh, let me help get that off you.

Ow.

(clears throat): That's really hot.

Mom?

What, what, what?

What's the matter?

The only explanation I can come up with

is that she likes dad bod.

I read about it, it's a real thing.

There's just some women who go crazy

for a man shaped like
a sturdy sack of flour.

That's why I'm thankful
every day I'm so shredded.

All right, guys, watch closely.

So...

I know guacamole's your favorite.

Not today, I'm trying to cut back.

Oh, come on.

You deserve it.

Be a little naughty.

It's okay to cheat.

I'm not interested.

What do I have to do?

Oh, my God, you're right.

Dad bod is real.

I'm going to let myself go.

(scolding): You're there.

What are you going to do?

I just won't go
anywhere near Clementine.

You think that's a good plan?

(family talking)

Oh, thank you so much.

Tim.

Here, I saved you a chair.

It's a little tight, but I like it cozy.

Okay, thanks.

Heather.

(whispers): Heather!

Um, I asked Heather for
permission to do this, so...

I hope it's okay.

This can't happen.

Why not?

Because it's not right.

I'm sorry.

It's not right that I want to say grace?

Oh, grace.

Huh?

Oh...

Why don't you want her to say grace?

Dad, this has got to stop.

You already made Clementine

feel uncomfortable around the house.

I make her feel uncomfortable?

Yes, and she's been trying all week

to be extra nice to you

so you'll be cool with
her moving in with us.

Oh.

- Oh, that's...
- HEATHER: Hey, honey,

why don't you tell everybody why it is

you think that Clem's
been being so nice to you?

(shushes)

What is he talking about?

(hits table)

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Maybe we should move out.

Round a virgin got in a fight

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Now one for Jen!

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel...

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