All language subtitles for Life in Pieces s02e04 Cheap Promotion Flying Birthday.eng

_

Um, are you sure that
we can return this?

I mean, it's, like, three
years old and, you know,

I didn't buy it here.

Doesn't matter.

Trust me.

My Grandma Tanita turned saving money

into an art form.

She returned a doctor's
appointment once.

I literally don't even know how.

- Wow.
- Mhm.

Just, it seems like a lot
of work when we could just go

to that other store and buy a jacket

that has a zipper that works.

No, Matt, that is why
you have money problems.

Look, if we are going
to build a life together,

you're going to have to change
how you handle your finances.

It's like every time you
get money you just spend it.

Okay, well, that's not fair.

I spend money that I don't have, too.

- Well.
- Next.

- Oh.
- Uh...

Just watch and learn.

Hello.

Oh, sorry, I got so distracted
by your beautiful eyes.

Thank you.

One of them's glass.

That explains the sparkle.

Anyway, I'd like to return this jacket.

It's defective.

Okay, do you have the receipt?

No.

- (laughing nervously): No.
- We don't...

I mean it's just so weird

that we're here, because... so...

- Next.
- Matt.

We know for a fact that
they carry this brand here

and they definitely stand
behind all of their merchandise.

That's why we shop here.

Right, Leigh?

It's pronounced Lekh.

Le-ukh?

It's beautiful.

Do you think that you
could help us, Le-ukh?

LEIGH: You know what?

I am charmed

by your use of my name.

Let me go talk to my manager.

Thank you.

Okay, I am so uncomfortable.

Why?

Because you have all this sexual energy

and you just want to
attack me right now?

No, I don't... wait, what? What? What?

(groans)

Does saving money turn you on?

Why do you think I get so revved
up when we're watching Cinemax?

Because it's gentle lady porn.

Oh, no.

It's because our neighbors
are paying for it.

What else turns you on?

MATT: Babe,

I found some dirty Ziploc bags at work

to bring home and wash out.

Look at that.

Huh? A galloner. Big dog.

What's wrong?

Oh, no.

Big Lots discovered
our double coupon scam.

No, it's not that, no.

I missed my period.

I'm late.

That's bigger than Big Lots.

Yes.

All right.

Stay calm.

Okay.

You stay here and relax.

I'm going to go to the store,

get a pregnancy test, you know.

No need for us to freak out.

Whew, okay.

Unless we know what
we're freaking out about.

Might want to do your pants up.

- Yep.
- Okay.

I'm freaking out.

We were always so careful.

Except for sometimes when we weren't.

Maybe it's wrong, tests can be wrong.

Here, take another one...
I bought a ton of them.

There was a special at the dollar store.

They were a dollar.

Matt, you bought pregnancy
tests at the dollar store?

Yeah, I'm not going
to spend a ton of money

on something you're
just going to pee on.

Everybody knows there are two things

you never buy at the dollar store:

pregnancy tests and crab.

Oh.

I saw that.

So expensive, full-price
test results are...?

- Not pregnant.
- Oh, thank God.

And not that I don't want

to have many babies with you some day.

Totally, some day.

But babies are expensive.

Which reminds me,

I think you should return
those pregnancy tests.

I only peed on one.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh, maybe we should hold onto them,

because I bought our condoms
at the dollar store, too.

60 for a dollar.

_

Okay, so at 10:30 you
have Mrs. Barnett for...

Tim, that's for charity.

It's not a tip jar.

SYLVIE: Oh, Dr. Hughes,

I got the acne medication for your son.

- Thank you...
- That's for Tim's back.

Heather!

Oh, you have bacne?

Yeah, it flares up when
he wears his jammie dress.

It's a nightshirt.

Can you give us a second?

Okay.

Please do not discuss
my personal business

with the staff.

You keep doing that.

Oh, chill out.

You told everybody how nervous
I was for my first day here.

That's not the same as bacne.

Sylvie idolizes me.

I'm like a father figure to
her and she has a crush on me,

as does everybody else in this place.

Look, just stop embarrassing me.

You want me to stop embarrassing you?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Because you have food stains

on the back of your lab coat.

That's because I turn it
around when I eat ribs.

All right.

I know we always said we'd
be honest with each other

and there's clearly a problem
here that we need to discuss.

I'm not wearing lipstick.

It's tinted lip balm.

You should try it before you rail on me.

No.

This is about the problem
that you have with Heather.

I am not going to stand in your
way if you want to fire her.

No, she's great.

She's the best
receptionist we've ever had.

All right, look, I can
read between the lines.

You want her gone by the end of the day.

That's fine.

Just make sure she knows it was you.

You want to fire your wife?

Hmm.

Well, I hadn't thought about
it, but now that you bring it up,

yes, I want it more
than anything in life.

Hi.

- About earlier,
- Yeah.

I thought that there's
a bigger issue here

that we kind of need to talk about.

Oh, I agree.

I-I am not happy with
the way things are going.

Yeah, me, neither.

And I've been thinking we
really need to make a change.

So...

TIM: Well,

she's no longer our receptionist.

Well done, Tim.

Oh, hey, guys.

Loving my new parking spot.

I'm going to go see if
I can fit a water feature

into my new office.

You promoted her?

- Yeah.
- You were supposed to fire her.

On her first day as office coordinator?

Oh, that's harsh.

But it needs to be done,

and as her husband it
might as well come from me.

I'm sorry, Heather, but you're fired...

Is what I want you to say.

But you're HR for the medical group,

so feel free to make it your own.

Thank you, I love how
creative my job is.

We'll give her a call
first thing tomorrow.

Good, that'll give me a chance

to take her out tonight
to soften the blow.

You won't promote her, right?

Because I hear that sort
of thing happens sometimes,

which is crazy.

I got to say, this is so nice.

Only the best for my bride.

You mean your office coordinator.

- Mmm.
- I got to tell you, babe,

I did not see that coming.

Yeah, one day you're up,

the next you're down.

None of it really matters
as long as you have

- a life as rich as ours...
- Yeah.

outside of work.

That's the good stuff.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Listen, we should talk.

I'm so happy to be back,

you know, out there in the work force.

I just...

I'm not sure that your office
is the right fit for me.

Wait, are you quitting?

Yes, I'm so sorry... I
love you so much, honey,

and I think we're such
a great couple at home

and I don't want to risk losing
any of that magic that we have

- in our marriage by spending...
- Spending too much time together!

- Yes!
- I feel the same way.

Oh, my God, you do?

God, Tim, we are so in sync.

We are just...

That is why we are the envy

of all of our friends.

Ah.

Wait a minute.

If you felt that way, why
didn't you say anything to me?

Well, I just knew how
much you loved the job

and the last thing I wanted
to do was hurt your feelings.

Oh, honey, that is so sweet.

(cell phone ringing) I
thought I shut that off.

That touches my heart that you...

Oh, it's HR.

- HR?
- You know what?

I didn't turn in my timecard yesterday.

Give it to me, they're not
supposed to call tonight.

Hi, Matilda.

She's quitting.

- Hey, she quit!
- Okay.

- Oh!
- What's wrong with you?

Oh.

Oh, okay, okay.

Can we get a box?

It's... no, thank you for
calling and telling me.

- Yeah.
- Checking my phone.

That's nice.

I just got fired.

What?

No! Why?

Did you fire me, Tim?

What?

No!

Oh, Tim.

Well, I...

Oh!

Okay, I admit this was handled poorly.

You think?

I knew that you just, you know,

you wanted to preserve
the magic of the marriage.

Okay, well, actually,
you didn't know that.

- Okay, I didn't know that.
- No.

But look, I felt the
same way, so it's perfect.

I solved our problem.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You solved that problem.

Now you have a new problem.

Hey... well, ha-ha to you.

You can take my wallet, but
I still have the valet ticket.

Oh, no, I don't... wait, Heather!

Heather, wait!

I'm done flying forever.

Except at the indoor skydiving
place that couldn't lift Daddy.

That was a hard day for me.

_

Amelia Earhart received many awards

and inspired many other
women with her bravery,

until 1937,

when she disappeared while
trying to fly around the world.

Her plane was never found,

but there is little doubt she
crashed, probably in a volcano.

So, in conclusion,

never fly in a plane or you will die.

Because Amelia was the best

at flying,

and now she's a skeleton

in a volcano with her
face frozen in horror

like those poor people in Pompeii.

Thank you.

(applause)

Oh, and I made a picture, too.

JOAN: Oh, look at that.

I have a patient who
draws just like that.

Had a patient.

HEATHER: Honey, I'm not sure

that the end of your report

is entirely accurate.

Yeah, lava would
totally melt a skeleton.

Come on.

HEATHER: No, I mean that

that crash, that was a long time ago

and planes are very, very safe now.

- Yeah?
- Safer than driving a car.

Yeah.

Well, I'm done flying forever,

except at the indoor skydiving
place that couldn't lift Daddy.

That was a hard day for me.

HEATHER: Dad, come on. Help me out.

You've been flying for years.

Tell her that there is
nothing to be afraid of.

I'll talk to her.

TIM: I mean if you rent a jumpsuit

- that's big enough for a customer...
- I know, sweetie.

the thing should be able to lift him.

Hey, you were wronged.

You were wronged that day.

You said you were taking me
to Costco to buy a motorcycle.

- What? Did I say that?
- Mmm-hmm.

The truth is I want you to see
the inside of a real airplane,

you know, for your report.

After we prime the engine here...

we yell, "Clear prop!",

and then we just turn this key.

(engine starts)

You said we were just
looking at switches.

- Did I say that?
- Yeah.

I just want you to see how fun
it is to roll down the runway.

We're staying on the runway, right?

Sure are.

You just said we were
staying on the runway.

- Oh, did I say that?
- Yeah!

I just want to take you up
and do a quick barrel roll.

(Sophia screaming)

See, you don't have to
be scared, sweetheart.

All planes glide nice and
easy like those seagulls there.

They do look like they're having fun.

And so are we.

(clunking noise, screaming)

You hit one!

He hit us.

You're not supposed to divert

from your flight path like that.

He's a bird.

He's a dodo bird.

(engine falters and stops)

Why did that stop spinning?

Don't we need that?

Uh, I just turned it off for a second

so you could hear how
nice and quiet it sounds

at 6,000, 5,000, 4,000...

I think I'll turn it right back on now.

(engine struggling)

Okay, now you can hear the fancy code

that pilots use when
they talk to the tower.

Mayday, mayday.

Doesn't mayday mean
there's something wrong?

Oh, no, if something was wrong

I would say, uh, "Foam the runway.

"Foam the runway. Charlie 408,

we're experiencing engine failure."

We don't have an engine?

Sure we do.

We got an engine right here.

We don't have an engine.

Are we going to die?!

No!

Because we have an engine.

(engine struggling)

Damn it.

Mayday, mayday.

November Charlie 408.

We'd like to declare an emergency.

Get those trucks on
standby and some ice cream.

The ground is coming
up really fast, Pop-Pop.

Which is good.

That's where we want to be, right?

Hey, let's make sure that
seatbelt is nice and snug,

but not too snug, so you can loosen it

in case we catch on fire.

Fire?

(moans)

JOHN: Okay, now, hold on.

(rubber squealing)

(gasps)

(sighs)

Ground, this is November Charlie 408.

How are we doing with that ice cream?

I know what you were doing up there.

Huh?

You made it seem like
we were going to die

so that I could see that
planes can always land

no matter how bad things get.

And it worked.

I'm not afraid to fly anymore.

Thank you, Pop-Pop.

Yeah, you know what?

I think I'm going to check
that tire pressure real quick.

(vomiting)

I got the camera, I just need you

to tell me, which filter do you want,

Polaroid Transfer, Unfinished
Basement, or Grainy in Paris.

Yeah, I don't know what
you're saying, but no.

No, got it.

_

Sorry, sorry, sorry...
hold on, I'm sorry.

No, something doesn't feel right.

What is wrong with this picture?

Yeah, I know, I know.

You're absolutely right.

You know, we thought that that
short hair would look chic,

but she looks like garbage.

No.

No, this just, this feels very sad.

Us alone, nobody else here
to celebrate her big moment.

She's going to look back on this picture

and just think that, like,
her birthday was a bummer.

Okay, all right.

So how can we fix this?

Maybe we should invite...

Uh, family?

Family.

Your family?

Because your family is
on a boat in Nova Scotia.

Nova Scotia, yeah.

According to their last
ham radio broadcast.

Yeah, I realize that.

So that really only leaves.

(struggling): Don't make me say it.

Happy birthday, baby!

Oh, I had to cancel my book club,

but that's okay, because I'm so
tired of those bitches anyway.

At least some of them
are starting to die off.

Well, we're so happy you guys
could all come last-minute.

Yeah, I didn't get to finish my round,

but they'd already asked
me to leave the course,

so it worked out.

Well, now that we're all here
and Lark's in a good mood,

why don't we gather around
the table and do the cake?

I'll go get the camera.

Actually can you hold off on
the cake for just a few minutes?

Clemmie and I planned a little
birthday performance for Lark.

CLEMENTINE: Yeah, and
we find that people

tend to leave mid-song

unless they're waiting
around for something good.

Okay.

Okay, got the camera.

Put the camera down, Greg.

Okay.

Yeah. Really good.

That song is called "Love Blister"

Based on a true story.

But-but he's okay now.

Oh, good, good.

- Oh, hi, guys.
- Hey.

Just wanted to thank you again

for inviting us last-minute.

- And this, this is for Lark.
- Ooh.

A beautiful rose...

- for a beautiful one-year-old girl.
- How beautiful.

- Yeah, it's fresh from our garden.
- Mhm.

Ah.

Or from the gas station on the way here.

Yeah.

Should we do the cake?

- Let's do the... and the camera.
- And the camera. Yes.

Let me get the camera ready.

WOMAN (knocks at door): Hello!

Where's the birthday girl or groom?

Not sure what this is.

Vicky, come on in.

Hey, guys.

This is my present to
Lark, a real, live princess.

Dad?

What is going on?

Well, Vicky is the drink
cart girl at the club.

I asked her what she did

on the side for extra
money, and she said this.

John, why would you ask her that?

I was just making conversation.

Why does anyone ask anybody anything?

Oh, I have a pair of those.

Well, now you have two.

Hey, let's get the
picture thing going, right?

While Lark's still in a good mood?

I got the camera... guys,
let's all gather round,

take a photo with Lark, okay?

(crying)

JEN: Oh, no, no, no

no, no, no, no, no.

- No, she's crying.
- Guys, I think she's teething.

Oh, give her to me.

I've got a great remedy for teething.

- Really?
- Yes, I do.

I'll bring her right back.

Okay, I'm going to get the cake.

Yeah, I got the camera, I just need you

to tell me, which filter do you want?

I got Polaroid Transfer,
Unfinished Basement,

or Grainy in Paris.

I don't know what you're saying, but no.

No, got it.

- You know, I wish we had had...
- Yeah.

these kind of parties with our kids,

just the family and Vicky.

HEATHER (slurring): Vicky's the best.

Hey, can I hire you to
follow me around all the time?

It's $100 an hour, 200 if I'm topless,

- 300 if you want me to...
- Okay, yeah, we're going, okay...

Let's hear her rates.

HEATHER: No, we're good.

I'm going to just take that, thank you.

JEN: Joan, what did you do?

She's, like, unconscious.

Oh, I just rubbed a
little whiskey on her gums.

You did what?

Yeah, it always works like a charm.

(stammering): But you...

You gave her alcohol?

JOHN: Oh, sure.

My mom used to rub whiskey on my gums

when I was a baby, and
it had no effect on me.

Vicky, this was supposed to be a double.

Mom?

I mean she's, like, blackout drunk.

She's a little sleeping angel.

All we wanted was a photo of
Lark on her first birthday.

Now she's too wasted to be in it.

No, you know what?

We're still going to get that picture

come hell or high water.

ALL:
Happy birthday, dear Lark

I've been wanting to use Weekend
at Bernie's technology

since the summer of 1989.

I can't believe I'm finally doing it.

JEN: Yeah, I can't believe
that our one-year-old is drunk

and I have to write a thank-you
note for crotchless panties.

But you know what?

It's not just about the picture.

It's about family.

And how that family is
ruining this picture.

And I want Lark to have that
memory forever, you know?

Me, too, honey.

All right, let's do this.

All right, get in there.

- Okay.
- Which filter do you want me to use?

No, I can't with the filters, okay.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, here we go.

And...

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