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1
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_
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Ooh, Cannonball Run!
3
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COLLEEN: Uh, Run-D.M.C.!
4
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Born to Run! Ooh.
5
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Uh... Clueless!
6
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(panting)
7
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The Running Man! All right?
8
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- Oh...
- Come on, I'm running,
9
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I'm a man...
10
00:00:20,534 --> 00:00:22,195
Well, we all got the "running" part.
11
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Oh, I am out of shape.
12
00:00:23,999 --> 00:00:25,272
I gotta start working out,
13
00:00:25,750 --> 00:00:27,464
'cause I'm living for
someone else now, you know?
14
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Not you, for Lark.
15
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- Oh. Thank you.
- I mean,
16
00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,779
I want to be able to do
that Dirty Dancing lift
17
00:00:31,825 --> 00:00:32,654
at her wedding, you know?
18
00:00:33,289 --> 00:00:34,239
Do that...
19
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:35,808
One of those.
20
00:00:36,264 --> 00:00:37,344
It'd be beautiful, right?
21
00:00:37,346 --> 00:00:38,787
I feel like that would be maybe weird.
22
00:00:39,192 --> 00:00:40,476
You know, I think you should join my gym.
23
00:00:41,550 --> 00:00:43,083
- Yeah?
- They helped me lose 60 pounds.
24
00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,351
Yeah. Wait, what?
25
00:00:44,353 --> 00:00:45,218
Huh.
26
00:00:46,037 --> 00:00:47,004
Mm-hmm.
27
00:00:50,606 --> 00:00:51,236
MAN: Hey!
28
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You must be Greg!
29
00:00:52,861 --> 00:00:54,451
Good morning, Greg!
30
00:00:55,067 --> 00:00:56,383
Clinton Chesnut, C.P.T.
31
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Oh. Greg Short, d-a-d.
32
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- New dad.
- Yeah, yeah.
33
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I see that. (laughs)
34
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(makes swishing noise)
35
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Hey, every great journey
36
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starts with a single step.
37
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Are you ready to take that step, Greg?
38
00:01:09,349 --> 00:01:10,587
Yeah, I think so. Is it far?
39
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(chuckles) We've already begun.
40
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Come on, I'll show you around.
41
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- Okay.
- Let's do this.
42
00:01:16,795 --> 00:01:17,190
Come on.
43
00:01:18,263 --> 00:01:19,655
With our state-of-the-art technology,
44
00:01:19,676 --> 00:01:21,567
you can row any boat
45
00:01:21,596 --> 00:01:23,056
through any time period.
46
00:01:23,287 --> 00:01:25,525
Stanley, here, is on the Amistad.
47
00:01:25,527 --> 00:01:27,918
Dawn is on one of the lifeboats
from the Titanic.
48
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- Oh, wow.
- Uh...
49
00:01:29,940 --> 00:01:31,372
Women and children only.Right.
50
00:01:31,723 --> 00:01:33,190
Know what I mean? Come on.
51
00:01:34,139 --> 00:01:36,858
Now, I have been in a
lot of locker rooms, Greg,
52
00:01:36,910 --> 00:01:38,832
but these towels are the best.
53
00:01:38,952 --> 00:01:41,299
Thread count so high they stopped counting.
54
00:01:41,466 --> 00:01:42,962
(fiddle music playing)
You like to dance, Greg?
55
00:01:43,284 --> 00:01:45,362
Yeah, I did a little
soft-shoe tap in my day.
56
00:01:45,482 --> 00:01:47,589
You know? My mom let me chase my dream.
57
00:01:48,204 --> 00:01:49,314
Soft shoe tap is cool,
58
00:01:49,907 --> 00:01:51,972
but square dancing is
more of a high-octane,
59
00:01:52,005 --> 00:01:54,354
- whole-body experience.
- Yeah.
60
00:01:54,356 --> 00:01:56,605
Now, two by two, let's promenade!
61
00:01:56,665 --> 00:01:58,356
Promenade, promenade.
62
00:01:58,385 --> 00:02:00,002
Now squat! Squat!
63
00:02:00,508 --> 00:02:02,034
Squat! Squat!
64
00:02:02,477 --> 00:02:04,731
Squat! Squat...
65
00:02:05,814 --> 00:02:06,510
I'm so pumped.
66
00:02:06,689 --> 00:02:07,443
Are you sure you don't want
67
00:02:07,466 --> 00:02:08,257
to take up the extension?
68
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:09,663
You could save up to five percent.
69
00:02:09,884 --> 00:02:11,201
No, look, I appreciate it,
70
00:02:11,242 --> 00:02:12,390
but there is no doubt in my mind.
71
00:02:12,405 --> 00:02:14,136
It is the ten-year Platinum Package.
72
00:02:14,158 --> 00:02:15,362
You know, 'cause we might move.
73
00:02:15,638 --> 00:02:17,588
The ten-year plan is a great plan.
74
00:02:17,643 --> 00:02:19,756
And you get two free car washes with that.
75
00:02:20,172 --> 00:02:20,804
Per month?
76
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No.
77
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(sniffs)
78
00:02:26,623 --> 00:02:27,865
Oh, you're up early.
79
00:02:28,341 --> 00:02:30,853
You got a new paper
route I didn't know about?
80
00:02:30,881 --> 00:02:31,796
Oh, well, I was late
81
00:02:31,836 --> 00:02:33,965
for my belly busters class because I was
82
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spending all this time trying to get
83
00:02:35,077 --> 00:02:36,573
my phone in this cool new holster.
84
00:02:36,596 --> 00:02:37,447
But now I can't get
85
00:02:37,499 --> 00:02:38,557
the phone to work. It's...
86
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:41,622
Honey, this has 900 calories,
87
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,181
56 grams of sugar
88
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and 87 carbs.
89
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This is quite a meal you're replacing.
90
00:02:47,942 --> 00:02:48,978
Oh, no, that's a supplement.
91
00:02:49,098 --> 00:02:50,689
I just ate six eggs.
92
00:02:50,925 --> 00:02:53,191
Yeah, Clinton says I gotta
have calories to burn,
93
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otherwise I'm just gonna
burn away all my muscle.
94
00:02:55,337 --> 00:02:56,149
Who's Clinton?
95
00:02:56,336 --> 00:02:57,107
Who is Clinton?
96
00:02:57,227 --> 00:02:59,782
(scoffs) Uh, that dude right there.
97
00:03:00,024 --> 00:03:01,045
He only charged me 80 bucks.
98
00:03:01,165 --> 00:03:02,989
Ooh, Bargain City.
99
00:03:02,991 --> 00:03:03,611
Um...
100
00:03:03,881 --> 00:03:05,825
I love your enthusiasm.
101
00:03:05,827 --> 00:03:06,850
Don't ever change.
102
00:03:07,108 --> 00:03:08,472
I just want to make sure
103
00:03:08,515 --> 00:03:09,847
that you haven't lost sight
104
00:03:09,876 --> 00:03:11,331
of why you're doing this.
105
00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:14,216
I am doing this for Lark,
106
00:03:14,446 --> 00:03:16,019
so that I can be there for her.
107
00:03:16,438 --> 00:03:17,671
(Lark crying)
108
00:03:17,673 --> 00:03:18,924
Look, can you go get her?
109
00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:20,106
Because I am running late
110
00:03:20,108 --> 00:03:21,341
to my Double CrossFit class.
111
00:03:21,343 --> 00:03:22,463
Okay? Thanks.
112
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,453
It's where we trick each
other into working out.
113
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(Greg clears throat)
114
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Okay. (clears throat)
115
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(groans)
116
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Daddy gonna get big!
117
00:03:40,329 --> 00:03:42,495
Okay, okay, okay...
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(clears throat)
119
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(exhales)
120
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Greg?
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What is this bike...
122
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What on earth are you doing?
123
00:04:20,492 --> 00:04:21,823
Is that my razor?
124
00:04:21,943 --> 00:04:23,234
Gearing up for my first ride.
125
00:04:23,710 --> 00:04:25,032
You know it's twice the cardio
126
00:04:25,068 --> 00:04:26,957
than on those stupid stationary machines?
127
00:04:26,994 --> 00:04:28,575
Yeah, and you get to be out in nature.
128
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I love nature!
129
00:04:29,845 --> 00:04:31,044
You went to the doctor
130
00:04:31,103 --> 00:04:33,463
because you thought you
were allergic to wind.
131
00:04:34,038 --> 00:04:35,076
Yeah, but he gave me a cream.
132
00:04:36,718 --> 00:04:38,128
Um, what happened to the gym?
133
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(scoffs) Oh, no,
134
00:04:39,087 --> 00:04:40,720
I'm done with the gym. Ten years is all
135
00:04:40,722 --> 00:04:41,969
those suckers are going to get out of me.
136
00:04:42,334 --> 00:04:43,600
Ten years?
137
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:45,738
Did you see the baby
seat that I got for Lark?
138
00:04:45,797 --> 00:04:47,175
I can get my workout in
139
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:48,771
and spend time with her.
140
00:04:49,087 --> 00:04:51,129
I mean, that's what this
whole thing is about, you know?
141
00:04:51,155 --> 00:04:52,799
Me spending time with Lark.
142
00:04:53,702 --> 00:04:54,821
(Lark crying)
143
00:04:54,847 --> 00:04:56,145
Oh, uh, do you mind getting her?
144
00:04:56,176 --> 00:04:57,880
I-I can't walk on these bike shoes.
145
00:05:00,962 --> 00:05:02,562
_
146
00:05:04,079 --> 00:05:05,512
Okay. Hey. Huge deal
147
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:06,880
that we are not getting
148
00:05:06,882 --> 00:05:07,721
a babysitter for an overnight,
149
00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:09,516
so do not make me regret this.
150
00:05:10,508 --> 00:05:11,745
All right. Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop
151
00:05:11,799 --> 00:05:13,471
are right across the street
if you need anything...
152
00:05:13,494 --> 00:05:15,288
although don't need
anything after 8:00 p.m.,
153
00:05:15,290 --> 00:05:16,471
because they will be sleeping.
154
00:05:16,752 --> 00:05:17,073
All right.
155
00:05:17,533 --> 00:05:18,215
I trust you.
156
00:05:19,659 --> 00:05:21,628
I trust you. Most of the time.
157
00:05:21,711 --> 00:05:22,565
Trust you.
158
00:05:22,964 --> 00:05:24,564
- I really trust you. Really.
- Yep.
159
00:05:24,566 --> 00:05:25,732
Okay, bring it in, guy.
160
00:05:26,069 --> 00:05:27,623
Be good. You know.
161
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:29,990
Uh, number for the hotel is on the fridge.
162
00:05:30,110 --> 00:05:31,946
If we don't answer right
away, it's 'cause we're...
163
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:33,412
getting ice
164
00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:35,975
and we'll call you back
in around 15 minutes.
165
00:05:35,977 --> 00:05:37,065
Ooh, 15 minutes.
166
00:05:37,185 --> 00:05:38,618
Gotta make sure we both get some ice.
167
00:05:38,659 --> 00:05:40,480
Okay, uh, hi. What's this for?
168
00:05:41,009 --> 00:05:42,459
Ice always goes better with vodka.
169
00:05:42,502 --> 00:05:44,577
- Okay, gotta go, kids, bye!
- All right, bye, love you!
170
00:05:44,604 --> 00:05:45,534
Bye, Mom.
171
00:05:45,575 --> 00:05:47,020
Have fun! Bye.
172
00:05:47,073 --> 00:05:48,321
I got five people coming over.
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I've got my whole class.
174
00:05:49,364 --> 00:05:51,497
I want to be remembered as
the guy who threw huge ragers,
175
00:05:51,534 --> 00:05:53,486
not just the kid who wore
a top hat in the yearbook.
176
00:05:54,193 --> 00:05:55,495
Just poop your pants.
177
00:05:55,936 --> 00:05:57,030
That stays with people.
178
00:05:57,578 --> 00:06:00,280
Mason S. has been
coasting on it since Pre-K.
179
00:06:03,753 --> 00:06:05,036
TYLER: There's, like, eight people here.
180
00:06:05,518 --> 00:06:06,895
First party with my parents out of town
181
00:06:06,924 --> 00:06:07,931
and hardly anybody shows up.
182
00:06:07,942 --> 00:06:09,286
I can't make a legend out of that.
183
00:06:10,085 --> 00:06:11,511
It's not that bad.
184
00:06:12,001 --> 00:06:13,296
Doing a jigsaw puzzle
185
00:06:13,326 --> 00:06:14,414
in the kitchen,
186
00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:15,570
if anyone's interested.
187
00:06:16,191 --> 00:06:17,943
BOY: Oh, two bunnies in a basket.
188
00:06:19,625 --> 00:06:20,177
Really?
189
00:06:21,184 --> 00:06:22,058
Okay, it's bad.
190
00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:23,163
Hey.
191
00:06:23,221 --> 00:06:24,869
What if we play everyone our new track?
192
00:06:25,905 --> 00:06:26,463
That's genius.
193
00:06:26,497 --> 00:06:27,727
Okay, perfect, and I'm gonna tweet
194
00:06:27,729 --> 00:06:28,962
all our Funeral Goose fans.
195
00:06:28,964 --> 00:06:30,497
Are you sure this place can handle
196
00:06:30,499 --> 00:06:31,638
six more people?
197
00:06:35,565 --> 00:06:36,301
For you.
198
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:37,095
Thank you.
199
00:06:37,215 --> 00:06:37,822
Yeah.
200
00:06:41,845 --> 00:06:42,448
Cheers.
201
00:06:42,484 --> 00:06:42,985
Yep.
202
00:06:44,927 --> 00:06:46,352
- Mmm.
- Mmm!
203
00:06:46,904 --> 00:06:48,181
Wow, that's really smooth.
204
00:06:48,183 --> 00:06:49,849
- It's like water.
- Oh, yeah.
205
00:06:52,771 --> 00:06:55,228
Is this just water or am I an alcoholic?
206
00:06:57,690 --> 00:07:00,232
I think somebody swapped
out our vodka for water.
207
00:07:02,272 --> 00:07:04,264
I know we're supposed to be
208
00:07:04,266 --> 00:07:05,899
Birds of a feather
209
00:07:05,901 --> 00:07:09,569
Fly V formation, so happy together
210
00:07:09,571 --> 00:07:12,372
But you watched her
sadly, you flew away
211
00:07:12,374 --> 00:07:16,309
Don't care if you come back, anyway
212
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,778
I'm trapped in your love cage
213
00:07:19,781 --> 00:07:24,150
I'm cooked in your love cage
214
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,552
Mmm.
215
00:07:25,554 --> 00:07:27,654
(applause, whooping)
216
00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:32,625
Now this is a party.
217
00:07:32,627 --> 00:07:33,793
Tyler!
218
00:07:33,795 --> 00:07:35,417
I've got some bad news.
219
00:07:35,537 --> 00:07:36,107
One...
220
00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:38,631
(snickering): your band is the worst.
221
00:07:38,633 --> 00:07:41,367
And two, Mom and Dad are on their way home.
222
00:07:41,369 --> 00:07:43,202
What?! Our band is not the worst.
223
00:07:43,322 --> 00:07:44,585
How do you know they're coming home?
224
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:45,779
I used Find-Your-Phone.
225
00:07:46,408 --> 00:07:47,246
They're an hour away.
226
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:48,590
Uh, guys? Um...
227
00:07:48,648 --> 00:07:49,576
thanks for coming, everyone.
228
00:07:49,633 --> 00:07:50,799
But Funeral Goose has to
229
00:07:50,835 --> 00:07:52,589
fly south for the night, so...
230
00:07:52,981 --> 00:07:54,480
(indistinct chatter and laughter)
231
00:07:55,450 --> 00:07:56,916
You guys, the party's over.
232
00:07:56,918 --> 00:07:58,885
Yeah, spread your wings and fly out.
233
00:07:58,887 --> 00:08:00,768
(indistinct chatter continuing)
234
00:08:00,888 --> 00:08:01,761
Get out!
235
00:08:01,987 --> 00:08:04,624
Oh! Now I get it!
236
00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:05,852
They're deaf!
237
00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:08,795
Play "Death, Death, Goose!"
238
00:08:08,797 --> 00:08:11,130
I drove three hours to hear
"Death, Death, Goose!"
239
00:08:11,132 --> 00:08:12,198
Play it!
240
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,333
Yeah!
241
00:08:13,335 --> 00:08:14,767
No, no, no, no, no!
242
00:08:14,769 --> 00:08:15,768
(partiers whooping)
243
00:08:15,770 --> 00:08:17,303
(crickets chirping)
244
00:08:18,205 --> 00:08:19,745
Now, what's the symbolism of that?
245
00:08:20,175 --> 00:08:22,709
This... expresses my need
246
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,911
to cover up a mistake that I made earlier.
247
00:08:24,913 --> 00:08:27,313
- Oh!
- Actually, I made a lot of mistakes.
248
00:08:27,315 --> 00:08:29,449
This started out as a portrait of you.
249
00:08:29,451 --> 00:08:30,183
Aw.
250
00:08:30,185 --> 00:08:31,217
Uncle Matt!
251
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:32,385
- Hey!
- Hey, Uncle Matt, um...
252
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,317
I need your help with something.
253
00:08:34,345 --> 00:08:34,757
Okay.
254
00:08:34,877 --> 00:08:36,468
I need to clear out a party really fast.
255
00:08:36,691 --> 00:08:38,235
- Did you have your band play?
- Yes.
256
00:08:39,183 --> 00:08:41,260
- (laughing): And they stayed?
- Of course.
257
00:08:41,262 --> 00:08:42,397
Of course they stayed. It's a good band.
258
00:08:42,517 --> 00:08:44,712
You know, I've cleared out
a party or two in my day.
259
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:46,612
My dad's weddings were
always getting out of control.
260
00:08:46,732 --> 00:08:49,235
Whoa! (chuckles) How many
times did your dad get married?
261
00:08:49,794 --> 00:08:51,638
How many times, or how
many different women?
262
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:52,905
Mm!
263
00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:54,240
Guys, can we go?
264
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,975
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
265
00:08:55,977 --> 00:08:58,444
(siren whooping outside)
266
00:08:58,446 --> 00:08:59,985
Everybody, cops are here.
267
00:09:00,021 --> 00:09:00,880
Get out, now!
268
00:09:00,882 --> 00:09:01,981
SAMANTHA: Come on, everybody out the back!
269
00:09:01,983 --> 00:09:03,082
- Go on!
- Move, move, move!
270
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,350
- Come on, baby. Get out.
- Go, go!
271
00:09:04,352 --> 00:09:05,785
Out the back! Come on!
272
00:09:05,808 --> 00:09:06,213
Come on!
273
00:09:06,227 --> 00:09:08,340
- Go, go, go, go, go, go! Come on!
- Hey.
274
00:09:09,702 --> 00:09:10,641
That was so easy!
275
00:09:11,012 --> 00:09:12,371
We didn't even have to tase anyone.
276
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,460
I just had a party busted by the cops.
277
00:09:14,462 --> 00:09:15,828
That's instant street cred.
278
00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:18,593
You're huge deal now... bigger
than that marching band kid
279
00:09:18,608 --> 00:09:19,666
- in the wheelchair.
- I don't know.
280
00:09:20,242 --> 00:09:21,148
You owe me big.
281
00:09:22,367 --> 00:09:23,978
I just lent you 20 bucks last week.
282
00:09:25,593 --> 00:09:26,409
And we're even.
283
00:09:27,642 --> 00:09:29,142
(TV plays low and indistinct)
284
00:09:29,144 --> 00:09:31,311
- HEATHER: Oh! Hello!
- Hey! What are you doing here?
285
00:09:31,431 --> 00:09:32,939
Oh, we just thought maybe you guys
286
00:09:32,974 --> 00:09:35,281
- should try a little alcohol.
- Yeah.
287
00:09:35,812 --> 00:09:36,419
Drink it.
288
00:09:36,989 --> 00:09:38,284
No, thank you.
289
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,752
- Come on!
- Drink it.
290
00:09:39,754 --> 00:09:40,324
No.
291
00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:43,011
Sophia, you drink it.
292
00:09:43,131 --> 00:09:44,732
- Dad, what are you doing?
- HEATHER: Come on, drink your drink.
293
00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:48,261
There you go. Oh...
294
00:09:48,263 --> 00:09:49,342
Awesome.
295
00:09:49,405 --> 00:09:51,197
That's my girl.
296
00:09:52,897 --> 00:09:53,702
Tastes like water.
297
00:09:53,822 --> 00:09:54,817
That's because it is water.
298
00:09:54,837 --> 00:09:56,197
Now, which one of you replaced it?
299
00:09:56,889 --> 00:09:58,204
I don't even like vodka.
300
00:09:58,206 --> 00:09:59,844
I mean, vodka... which one is that?
301
00:10:00,375 --> 00:10:01,290
Clementine, was this you?
302
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:02,598
What?!
303
00:10:02,649 --> 00:10:04,038
Well, you don't have
to answer that, Clemmie.
304
00:10:04,296 --> 00:10:06,109
She would never do something like that.
305
00:10:07,662 --> 00:10:08,647
Then who did it?
306
00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:10,116
(TV playing)
307
00:10:10,457 --> 00:10:11,651
You wanted vodka tonic.
308
00:10:12,996 --> 00:10:14,487
But I thought we were out of vodka.
309
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:15,218
We were.
310
00:10:16,081 --> 00:10:17,590
Now Tim and Heather are.
311
00:10:17,592 --> 00:10:19,158
(chuckling)
312
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,360
(both laughing)
313
00:10:21,362 --> 00:10:22,929
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
314
00:10:26,301 --> 00:10:29,035
I couldn't, by chance,
interest you in a purse
315
00:10:29,037 --> 00:10:31,471
with my hand-sewn face
from ninth grade on it?
316
00:10:31,473 --> 00:10:32,805
Yes, you could.
317
00:10:33,151 --> 00:10:34,140
- I'm a hoarder.
- Oh!
318
00:10:35,064 --> 00:10:36,964
_
319
00:10:37,210 --> 00:10:38,264
Here's our donation.
320
00:10:39,429 --> 00:10:41,394
Hope people like half-built LEGO sets
321
00:10:41,426 --> 00:10:42,888
and Blackberry chargers.
322
00:10:44,291 --> 00:10:45,149
Where's your box?
323
00:10:45,151 --> 00:10:47,652
I got nothin' to sell but
the shirt on my back, man.
324
00:10:48,450 --> 00:10:48,998
Nice shirt.
325
00:10:50,457 --> 00:10:51,106
20 bucks.
326
00:10:51,616 --> 00:10:52,371
Sold.
327
00:10:55,862 --> 00:10:57,205
(chuckling)
328
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,617
Yeah, I used to have one just like this.
329
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:01,999
Heather gave it away.
330
00:11:02,001 --> 00:11:03,201
(laughs)
331
00:11:06,506 --> 00:11:08,005
Oh, wow.
332
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,491
HEATHER: They can't
all be important to you.
333
00:11:11,527 --> 00:11:13,860
This entire group is
in stuffed animal jail.
334
00:11:13,980 --> 00:11:16,051
Yeah. 'Cause one is a liar.
335
00:11:16,613 --> 00:11:18,382
And until he confesses...
336
00:11:18,384 --> 00:11:19,557
unicorn...
337
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,197
they're all staying in there.
338
00:11:22,804 --> 00:11:25,230
Okay, well, whatever
you can fit in this bin
339
00:11:25,350 --> 00:11:25,911
you get to keep.
340
00:11:26,031 --> 00:11:29,060
Everything else goes into the yard sale.
341
00:11:29,062 --> 00:11:32,196
Why don't I just throw
out all your children?
342
00:11:32,886 --> 00:11:33,581
(door opening)
343
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:35,600
GREG: Look, she likes to
get gifts for everybody.
344
00:11:35,602 --> 00:11:36,356
That's kind of her thing.
345
00:11:36,589 --> 00:11:38,525
I know, and it's very sweet of your mom,
346
00:11:38,553 --> 00:11:42,614
it's just... I don't really
like antique opium pipes,
347
00:11:42,671 --> 00:11:44,624
even if I do look like "one of those
348
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,577
fun women who would've
done that back then"
349
00:11:46,579 --> 00:11:48,059
- Oh, you got one of those, too?
- Yeah.
350
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,481
Her discovering eBay was
the beginning of the end.
351
00:11:50,483 --> 00:11:52,183
- I know.
- I have the exact same
352
00:11:52,185 --> 00:11:55,364
pile of stuff, collecting dust.
353
00:11:55,538 --> 00:11:57,291
I mean, what is the statue of limitations
354
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,243
on humoring somebody?
355
00:11:58,576 --> 00:11:59,528
No, you're right.
356
00:11:59,592 --> 00:12:00,774
The longer we wait,
357
00:12:01,007 --> 00:12:02,391
the more guilty we're gonna feel.
358
00:12:02,511 --> 00:12:03,415
JEN: Yeah. And...
359
00:12:03,702 --> 00:12:05,668
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say:
360
00:12:05,852 --> 00:12:09,033
if you haven't used this
Victorian nursing kit yet,
361
00:12:09,035 --> 00:12:11,536
- Mm-hmm.
- you might not ever.
362
00:12:11,538 --> 00:12:15,973
But you can't sell this stuff
at her garage sale, right?
363
00:12:15,975 --> 00:12:17,141
It's gonna hurt her feelings.
364
00:12:17,143 --> 00:12:18,209
No. Greg is right.
365
00:12:18,211 --> 00:12:19,559
- Yeah.
- Greg is right.
366
00:12:19,611 --> 00:12:22,796
We have to sell it secretly, over here.
367
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:25,012
(quietly): Oh! I like that.
368
00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:26,570
Good idea, Greg.
369
00:12:26,648 --> 00:12:27,513
That's not what I said.
370
00:12:27,723 --> 00:12:28,550
Almost verbatim.
371
00:12:31,622 --> 00:12:33,457
Oh, nothing like a well-made shoe.
372
00:12:33,459 --> 00:12:34,160
50 cents.
373
00:12:35,074 --> 00:12:35,713
Deal!
374
00:12:35,995 --> 00:12:37,134
And the right one's ten bucks.
375
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:38,296
Oh, I don't need it.
376
00:12:38,336 --> 00:12:39,550
My husband's an amputee.
377
00:12:40,099 --> 00:12:42,466
Oh, no, no... I meant
the right one's 50 cents
378
00:12:42,468 --> 00:12:43,993
and the left one's ten bucks.
379
00:12:45,241 --> 00:12:47,082
I see you eyeing the baking tins there.
380
00:12:47,721 --> 00:12:50,187
I couldn't, by chance,
interest you in a purse
381
00:12:50,486 --> 00:12:52,810
with my hand-sewn face
from ninth grade on it?
382
00:12:52,812 --> 00:12:54,045
Yes, you could.
383
00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:56,567
- I'm a hoarder.
- Oh!
384
00:12:56,622 --> 00:12:58,327
Oh, well, come here.
385
00:12:58,353 --> 00:12:59,025
I shouldn't be here.
386
00:12:59,049 --> 00:13:00,262
Oh, don't listen to that voice.
387
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:02,194
Why don't you come with
me across the street?
388
00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:04,553
Oh, you're taking those.
389
00:13:04,756 --> 00:13:06,734
Thank you! Come back soon.
390
00:13:07,112 --> 00:13:09,434
Hey, are you feeling a
little guilty about this?
391
00:13:09,469 --> 00:13:10,909
No. No, no, no, no, no.
392
00:13:11,130 --> 00:13:13,798
This stuff is gonna be
with people who want it.
393
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,367
(phone ringing)
394
00:13:16,369 --> 00:13:18,118
(groans quietly) Uh, hi, Mom. Hi!
395
00:13:18,189 --> 00:13:19,537
JOAN: Honey, where are you?
396
00:13:19,792 --> 00:13:20,998
- I need a price on...
- Uh...
397
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:22,846
on Tyler's football pads!
398
00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:23,786
Oh, you know what?
399
00:13:23,821 --> 00:13:25,943
I-I-I am helping this woman
400
00:13:25,945 --> 00:13:28,060
load Dad's encyclopedias into her car.
401
00:13:28,086 --> 00:13:29,063
I-I'll be right there.
402
00:13:31,084 --> 00:13:32,065
(groaning): Oh, yeah.
403
00:13:32,109 --> 00:13:33,684
Well, you are like a professional
404
00:13:33,686 --> 00:13:35,288
yard sale shopper, huh?
405
00:13:35,358 --> 00:13:35,984
Look at that thing.
406
00:13:36,013 --> 00:13:36,978
That is so cool!
407
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,389
You like that bad boy, huh?
408
00:13:38,391 --> 00:13:38,866
Yeah.
409
00:13:39,024 --> 00:13:40,033
I paid a hundred bucks for that.
410
00:13:40,431 --> 00:13:42,632
I'm gonna try to fix it
up and get 250 out of it.
411
00:13:42,978 --> 00:13:45,363
- 250 bucks?!
- Yeah.
412
00:13:45,365 --> 00:13:46,115
Sold!
413
00:13:46,398 --> 00:13:46,910
What?
414
00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:48,054
Yeah!
415
00:13:48,857 --> 00:13:50,285
- Yeah?
- (sputters)
416
00:13:51,423 --> 00:13:52,970
You know what? Come with
me across the street.
417
00:13:52,972 --> 00:13:54,705
We've got some good
stuff I want to show you.
418
00:13:54,707 --> 00:13:55,973
Where are you going?
419
00:13:55,975 --> 00:13:57,775
Hmm? Oh, um...
420
00:13:58,218 --> 00:14:00,612
uh, this is, uh, my friend Shannon
421
00:14:00,630 --> 00:14:01,385
from high school.
422
00:14:01,573 --> 00:14:03,436
What?! I just met you.
423
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:04,448
I'm not Shannon.
424
00:14:04,450 --> 00:14:06,368
(laughing): Shannon...
425
00:14:06,408 --> 00:14:08,119
You've always been such a lying bitch.
426
00:14:08,121 --> 00:14:09,568
- Who you calling a bitch?
- Okay.
427
00:14:09,605 --> 00:14:10,616
You know what? Let's go look at
428
00:14:10,636 --> 00:14:11,669
that high school yearbook,
429
00:14:11,737 --> 00:14:15,020
Miss Most Likely to Play Along
in a Hypothetical Situation.
430
00:14:15,051 --> 00:14:15,760
(Jen laughing)
431
00:14:16,069 --> 00:14:17,305
WOMAN: You better have
something good over here.
432
00:14:17,316 --> 00:14:18,529
JEN: Oh, I've got gold over there.
433
00:14:19,536 --> 00:14:22,266
Heather, you got any change? We're, uh...
434
00:14:23,337 --> 00:14:24,855
Oh, what are you doing?
435
00:14:25,505 --> 00:14:27,471
I'm selling all the stuff that
Mom gave me that I don't like.
436
00:14:27,473 --> 00:14:29,143
- Please don't tell her.
- Tell her?
437
00:14:29,751 --> 00:14:32,342
I'm gonna go grab a box
of crap that she gave me.
438
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:36,981
(tuning)
439
00:14:39,652 --> 00:14:42,456
Honey, Jen just took someone
440
00:14:42,485 --> 00:14:45,144
from the yard sale over to Heather's house.
441
00:14:45,184 --> 00:14:47,341
I was wondering if you
knew what was going on.
442
00:14:47,813 --> 00:14:49,038
I do not.
443
00:14:51,378 --> 00:14:53,631
- Mm, no.
- Why are you lying to me?
444
00:14:53,633 --> 00:14:55,306
I'm gonna, uh, go price out
445
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:57,764
some of these, uh, things.
446
00:14:57,884 --> 00:14:59,637
That's also a lie.
447
00:14:59,949 --> 00:15:00,579
Why?
448
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,830
Why are you lying to me?
449
00:15:02,881 --> 00:15:04,961
Wh-Where are you going?
450
00:15:05,081 --> 00:15:06,043
Greg!
451
00:15:06,045 --> 00:15:07,745
She's onto us!
452
00:15:07,747 --> 00:15:09,513
Oh, no. Oh, no.
453
00:15:09,515 --> 00:15:10,823
She's onto us. She's onto us.
454
00:15:10,859 --> 00:15:12,149
- Wh-What?
- Shut it down.
455
00:15:13,737 --> 00:15:14,326
WOMAN: What's going on?
456
00:15:14,526 --> 00:15:16,242
HEATHER: Some of this
stuff is glow-in-the-dark,
457
00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:17,221
so we're doing this for effect.
458
00:15:17,223 --> 00:15:19,090
Yeah, works great in a dorm room.
459
00:15:22,377 --> 00:15:22,893
Hi.
460
00:15:22,895 --> 00:15:24,996
- Hi.
- Hi.
461
00:15:25,219 --> 00:15:26,118
Oh.
462
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:28,899
Um, we were just, uh...
463
00:15:29,572 --> 00:15:31,276
- Cataloging.
- organizing.
464
00:15:31,312 --> 00:15:35,377
Oh, look, I gave you this for
your first wedding anniversary.
465
00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:36,153
Yeah.
466
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,703
Oh, my gosh.
467
00:15:38,074 --> 00:15:41,145
And I got you this when you passed the bar.
468
00:15:41,147 --> 00:15:42,715
Bar, and I love it.
469
00:15:43,024 --> 00:15:47,077
This is stuff that I... gave you.
470
00:15:48,321 --> 00:15:49,428
So what's happening?
471
00:15:50,056 --> 00:15:52,533
Okay, we-we're... we're... selling it,
472
00:15:52,544 --> 00:15:54,525
and we didn't want to
hurt your f-feelings.
473
00:15:54,527 --> 00:15:57,531
JEN: And it-it really is all so beautiful.
474
00:15:57,605 --> 00:15:59,864
Uh, you have wonderful taste
475
00:15:59,866 --> 00:16:01,766
- in, um, East Asian special...
- No more, no more.
476
00:16:01,768 --> 00:16:03,100
I understand, I understand.
477
00:16:03,102 --> 00:16:05,169
I understand. In the future,
478
00:16:05,171 --> 00:16:09,040
if I give you something and
you don't like it, just tell me.
479
00:16:09,362 --> 00:16:10,374
- Oh.
- Really?
480
00:16:10,376 --> 00:16:12,043
Of course. Just tell me,
481
00:16:12,045 --> 00:16:13,817
and then I'll just take it back.
482
00:16:14,336 --> 00:16:15,680
That's all.
483
00:16:15,681 --> 00:16:16,785
See you later.
484
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:20,539
What just happened?
485
00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:23,264
She took it back.
486
00:16:23,753 --> 00:16:25,423
Whew, this is heavy.
487
00:16:25,425 --> 00:16:26,857
Okay, well, at-at least we get rid
488
00:16:26,859 --> 00:16:27,892
of a bunch of junk.
489
00:16:28,313 --> 00:16:29,167
Right, yep.
490
00:16:29,184 --> 00:16:30,193
TIM: Hey, Heather, look what I bought.
491
00:16:30,741 --> 00:16:32,103
Starting a man cave.
492
00:16:36,469 --> 00:16:38,869
- He got out, he got away.
- Why are you looking up?
493
00:16:38,871 --> 00:16:41,872
Oh, underestimating the
lobster was our first mistake.
494
00:16:42,096 --> 00:16:43,896
_
495
00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:47,302
Look at this, you guys, my
brother sent me a lobster.
496
00:16:47,578 --> 00:16:49,117
- (laughs)
- JOAN: Oh, my.
497
00:16:49,119 --> 00:16:52,787
This little guy came
all the way from Maine,
498
00:16:52,789 --> 00:16:54,722
which is where I went to college.
499
00:16:54,724 --> 00:16:55,927
- These things are, like
- Oh, my.
500
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,711
the state bird up there.
501
00:16:57,738 --> 00:16:59,427
Even after that long flight,
502
00:16:59,429 --> 00:17:00,777
he's still got a lot of fight in him.
503
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,697
I-I respect that in a lobster.
504
00:17:02,699 --> 00:17:03,704
SOPHIA: I think he's cute.
505
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,260
I'm gonna name him Billy,
506
00:17:05,569 --> 00:17:08,636
after that kid at school who
was rescued from a toolshed.
507
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:11,109
Maybe it's not such a
great idea to name him.
508
00:17:11,229 --> 00:17:12,106
You know why?
509
00:17:12,108 --> 00:17:14,776
Because they're going to boil him alive.
510
00:17:14,778 --> 00:17:15,595
Samantha's right.
511
00:17:16,105 --> 00:17:18,097
- Maybe we shouldn't boil him alive.
- Thank you.
512
00:17:18,335 --> 00:17:20,043
We should just bash his
head in with a hammer first.
513
00:17:20,071 --> 00:17:21,221
Someone hand me that meat mallet.
514
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:22,932
- What?!
- Ooh, he heard me.
515
00:17:23,195 --> 00:17:24,819
This is barbaric.
516
00:17:24,821 --> 00:17:26,250
I'm out of here.
517
00:17:26,329 --> 00:17:30,191
Oh, I-I understand people who
have problems killing animals.
518
00:17:30,193 --> 00:17:32,694
Because there's so many
other things for us to eat.
519
00:17:32,696 --> 00:17:35,597
So you have a problem with it, Mom-Mom?
520
00:17:35,599 --> 00:17:38,232
Oh, no, lobsters are delicious.
521
00:17:47,702 --> 00:17:49,777
Billy? Billy?!
522
00:17:50,238 --> 00:17:52,747
- He got out. He got away.
- Why are you looking up?
523
00:17:52,749 --> 00:17:55,717
Oh, underestimating the
lobster was our first mistake.
524
00:17:55,719 --> 00:17:57,719
No, honey, I-I... I don't think it was.
525
00:17:57,721 --> 00:18:00,855
I think that someone probably took him.
526
00:18:01,925 --> 00:18:02,920
(chuckling): Someone took him?
527
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,071
That's awesome.
528
00:18:07,097 --> 00:18:09,731
I have a girlfriend for
the first time in my life.
529
00:18:09,733 --> 00:18:11,199
If I'm gonna steal something from you,
530
00:18:11,201 --> 00:18:12,834
it's not gonna be a lobster.
531
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:15,970
I don't know.
532
00:18:16,421 --> 00:18:17,673
But if you find Billy,
533
00:18:18,018 --> 00:18:21,376
tell him Imogene was hoping
to have a drink with him,
534
00:18:21,378 --> 00:18:23,011
see where the night took them.
535
00:18:24,525 --> 00:18:27,707
So we are officially out of suspects.
536
00:18:27,909 --> 00:18:28,462
Are we?
537
00:18:29,778 --> 00:18:31,375
I've been with you the entire time.
538
00:18:31,964 --> 00:18:32,730
You're right, I'm sorry.
539
00:18:33,003 --> 00:18:35,577
I'm just... I'm really hungry...
540
00:18:36,626 --> 00:18:37,907
for the truth.
541
00:18:38,978 --> 00:18:41,729
Mom, you didn't by chance
542
00:18:41,731 --> 00:18:43,164
happen to take Billy, did you?
543
00:18:43,166 --> 00:18:46,200
No, of course I didn't take Billy.
544
00:18:46,202 --> 00:18:48,603
Never, but I know who did.
545
00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:51,139
Well, somebody knows something.
546
00:18:51,141 --> 00:18:53,080
Well, I just told you I know.
547
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,077
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll get it out of you.
548
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:00,404
Hey, Dad. Where are you going?
549
00:19:01,154 --> 00:19:02,272
- Who, me?
- Yeah.
550
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:05,098
Uh, I was just going for a... Sunday drive.
551
00:19:05,142 --> 00:19:07,040
Oh, okay, because it's Saturday.
552
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:08,846
Yeah, where's the lobster?
553
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,647
Uh, he has a name.
554
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,281
I mean, I mean, how would I know?
555
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:13,403
John.
556
00:19:14,964 --> 00:19:15,619
Tell them.
557
00:19:16,316 --> 00:19:18,055
Okay, I-I-I took him.
558
00:19:18,329 --> 00:19:19,394
I looked it up,
559
00:19:19,753 --> 00:19:22,259
and lobsters this size
are, like, 40 years old.
560
00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:24,728
Now, I don't know how many
that is in human years,
561
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,082
but it's at least 40.
562
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:29,399
Now, he's traveled all over
the world, kind of like me,
563
00:19:29,785 --> 00:19:32,736
and he deserves a better
ending than Tim's toilet.
564
00:19:33,632 --> 00:19:34,838
Can't argue with that.
565
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:37,808
Where-where is he, Dad?
566
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:42,079
(gasps) Oh. Oh.
567
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:45,362
JOHN: I'm gonna release
him back into the sea.
568
00:19:45,592 --> 00:19:48,721
He's starting to look
like E.T. in that ravine,
569
00:19:49,382 --> 00:19:51,321
and if we don't get him back in the water,
570
00:19:51,618 --> 00:19:53,891
I'm gonna lose my strength, too.
571
00:19:54,990 --> 00:19:56,542
JOHN: Well, carry on, soldier.
572
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,987
You're gonna have a lot
of great stories to tell
573
00:19:59,017 --> 00:20:00,864
when you get back to Maine.
574
00:20:04,633 --> 00:20:06,607
- Bye, Billy.
- Bye, Billy.
575
00:20:06,650 --> 00:20:08,156
Safe home, Billy.
576
00:20:08,455 --> 00:20:09,138
Bye, Bill.
577
00:20:09,139 --> 00:20:11,108
Honey, you remembered
578
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:13,777
to take the rubber bands
off the claws, right?
579
00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:15,665
Uh, uh...
580
00:20:15,687 --> 00:20:17,347
The rubber bands off his claws?
581
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:18,315
Oh, yeah, yeah.
582
00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:19,549
Okay.
583
00:20:21,412 --> 00:20:22,104
Uh...
584
00:20:24,035 --> 00:20:26,189
I'm gonna just take a quick swim.
585
00:20:26,373 --> 00:20:26,937
Wh...?
586
00:20:27,995 --> 00:20:29,159
I'll be right back.
587
00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:36,083
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00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:40,683
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