All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia s10e10 ss Kickers United Mac and Charlie Join a Cult.eng

My apartment is not a
spa.

Dennis and I are gonna
take a soak.

You and Dennis are going to
bathe together?

It's that Turkish bath thing.
What are you worried about?

Not worried about anything,
but my apartment is not a

- Turkish bath, okay?
- Well, you know, this is

- Dennis's apartment now, too.
- No. No, goddamn it, it's not,

all right?
Mac and Dennis do not live here.

Just...
Sick of you guys doing your

stupid shit in my place.

- What the hell is this?!
- One more! Wah!

Stop!

- Hey!
- Oh!

- Good set, boys!
- What are you doing?

Oh, Dee, this is Joe-Joe,
Tiny, Charlie you know.

- I don't care.
- Together, we are Ass Kickers

- United.
- Oh, you guys, come on,

please, I don't want you doing
your weird routines in here!

It's not a routine, Dee, and
there is nothing weird about

this, okay?
Ass Kickers United is a way of

life, based on the life
improvement teachings of the

- Master.
- What kind of cult shit is

- that?
- No, no, it's not a cult,

Frank.
The Master is the only human to

ever achieve enlightenment
through the way of the warrior.

- Stop, two, three.
- One, two, three, four. Stop.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Come on! Goddamn it!

Frank, I can't get this fight

milk out of the goddamn couch!

Oh! Shit!

It burned a hole in the cushion!

That's probably the crotein.

Don't get that on your skin!

Oh! Frank, Frank,

sorry I'm late, man, but, uh,

good news.

I brought checkers.
Oh, what's up, Dee?

I got dominoes, and what the
hell is going on?

Your place looks like shit.
What happened?

Yeah, yeah, it does.
I'll tell you what happened.

Mac and his goddamn Ass Blasters
Incorporated were in here

- jerking around all day.
- Mac, Charlie and a bunch of

- goons started a queer club.
- Hmm.

- They got a newsletter.
- Oh, shit.

"Ass Kickers United".
Oh, my God.

- What?
- Dee, Mac didn't start this

club.
I did.

- What are you talking about?
- Yeah. I, uh... I just made

this shit up about Ass Kickers
United to get Mac to stop eating

- my thin mints.
- Huh?

You know how Mac is all
irritating and shit?

- Of course.
- The worst!

Right, well, he was doing all
this irritating shit, and he was

driving me crazy.
Worst of all, he was eating all

my thin mint cookies, and, so,
you know, playing on Mac's

physical insecurities, I decided
I would get in his head a little

bit, so I created this Master
character, all right?

I typed up this newsletter,
which was, you know, mostly

about fitness and, like, just
kicking ass at life in general,

just kind of speaking Mac's
language.

But mostly, I was speaking of
the dangers of consuming too

many thin mint cookies.
And I'll tell you, man, it

worked like charm, 'cause he
stopped eating thin mints almost

- immediately.
- That is extremely impressive.

- Oh.
- Dennis, I missed most of that

last part.
Run it by me again.

Frank, I just spoke for five
straight minutes.

- I'm not doing it again.
- Dennis started a cult.

- No, I didn't start a cult.
- Yeah, sure sounds like a

cult.
Hey, I got a great idea.

Why don't you type up another
newsletter and tell Mac and his

dumb-dumb friends to go and fix
up your apartment, right?

That way, you guys can get the
hell out of my place.

Or maybe get some broads
involved.

Cults are great for attracting
new-age tail.

No, guys, you can't go
straight to fixing apartments

and getting young, new-age tail.
You can't do that.

That takes years of
brainwashing.

But here's the problem.
If you don't do that and write

the newsletter and fix up the
apartment, then I'm just gonna

- rat you out.
- No. Come on, Dee.

I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna
have to. You know why?

'Cause I'm up to here.
All right, I've had a very bad

day, all right?!
I'm at the end of my rope, if

- I'm being honest.
- Okay, okay, Dee, calm down.

All right, look, I'll test the
waters a little bit, okay, see

- if we can get 'em there slowly.
- Maybe you can get 'em to eat

a shit sandwich.
That would be fun.

Why the would I...? What?!
No, this isn't about fun.

This is about... it's about thin
mints, goddamn it! Right?

And the reason I'm so good at
this is because I take it

seriously.
Now, just watch and learn.

Listen up!
According to the Master, guys,

we're not getting enough vitamin
D, so, these stickers harness

the power of the sun and deliver
it directly to our bodies, okay?

And, apparently, guys, there's
another exercise.

- Yes, sensei!
- Yeah!

All right, now, they're
called hammer jerks, and it's

sort of like a... hammer, then
you bend.

- Mm-hmm.
- Then you snap, then you jerk.

- Ow.
- Then a hammer.

- Hammer.
- Ow! Bend.

- Bend, snap.
- Damn it.

- Jerk.
- Oh, yeah.

Hammer, bend, snap, jerk.
Hammer...

I can't believe they went for
the sticker thing.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Okay, so, time to dial it up

a notch.
Let's put 'em to work and get

- 'em to your apartment.
- Yeah, we can't just dive into

that shit.
We talked about this.

- It's a slow burn.
- They're wearing sticks on

- their heads. They're there.
- Look, look, look, stop.

You guys are going crazy.
You're gonna blow the thin mint

thing.
Will you just trust me?

I got this.
I am the master.

I'm gonna get you what you want.
You just got to let me do my

- thing.
- That-that-that sounds good.

- Mm, yeah, okay.
- You gonna goddamn blow this for me?

No.

You're gonna blow the thin
mint thing?

No.

- "The Master sayeth."
Mm-hmm.

"Kicking ass in life is all
about drywall."

- And pussy. Put "pussy".
- Goddamn, Frank, don't say

"pussy".
It's disgusting. I'm not putting it.

"To be a total badass, you
must learn carpentry."

- Hmm.
- "Fixing apartments is what

- you must do."
- And buy Wolf Cola.

- Let's make some coin.
- Okay.

"And buy Wolf Cola, the only
cola for true refreshment."

- That's good.
- "Splash into the beast."

- Mm-hmm, that's great.
- I know it is.

Cool it with the jerky, will
you?

- You're driving me nuts.
- Now, put-put bring pussy.

- Now, put it in.
- Goddamn it. All right, fine.

Hey, listen, this is what I'll
do.

"Ladies are now mandatory.
Each of you dick bags must

recruit at least one woman."
Should we put anything else?

- Make 'em eat a shit sandwich.
- What is it with you and the

shit sandwich?
Do you really want to see

somebody take a roll and stick
doody in it, and then they put

it in their mouth?
God, you are so gross.

Okay, so, how much for the

- Wolf Colas?
- Five bucks a piece.

Okay, great.
Ma, how many you want?

- I'll take three.
- Okay. And Mrs. Mac?

She'll have one.

- Huh?
- One. Any more caffeine than

that, and she will not stop
talking.

Really? Oh, kind of want to
see that.

Hey, Charlie, can I talk to
you for a second?

- Yeah. What's up?
- Um, does all this seem kind

- of strange to you?
- Huh? Uh, oh, you mean, the

Wolf Cola thing?
Yeah. I was wondering.

Like, how does the Master know
about Wolf Cola?

Oh, he's an aficionado of
all beverages.

He's gonna know the finest of
colas.

Oh, oh, you mean, the
carpentry thing. Yeah.

No. Throughout history, uh,
Ass Kickers have always known

carpentry.
Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.

Right, okay.
What are you talking about?

- The women. The women, dude.
- Oh.

This is supposed to be a
men's club, you know?

- Who wants that around?
- Oh. Uh...

I don't know.
I'm kind of cool with it.

Also, I don't ever remember
anything in the newsletters

- about no women.
- It could not have been more

- clear: No women, no gays.
- I don't ever remember you

- reading anything about that.
- It was implied, okay?

Look, in these kind of texts,
you need to be able to in-infer

what's be...
Look, I'll explain it to you

later.
I think I'm just gonna...

- I needed some time off.
- Whoa. Hey, man, you can't

take a day off from kicking ass,
okay?

Look, an Ass Kicker must be
present every day.

An Ass Kicker must do the
exercises.

An Ass Kicker must avoid thin
mints.

I know the rules, okay?
I don't need to...

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
I'm just gonna go.

- You're just gonna go?!
- I mean...

- I mean...
- Okay, I'm taking the men with

- me, and Frank's got the women.
- Oh, cool.

- Are you an Ass Kicker now?
- I'm an Ass Kicker now.

Sweet. All right.
Who signed you up?

- The dumb one.
- Oh, Tiny?

No, no, no. The one eating
paint chips off the wall.

It tastes like paint.

Uh, yeah, those are paint
chips there, pal.

- These are?
- Yeah.

- Oh, they're delicious.
- Yeah, that's the good thing.

- Let's go.
- All right, let's go.

Hey, we're gonna, uh, go swing
some hammers.

Oh, you guys are so great
that you do construction.

I mean, this is just gonna be
easy-- just slap a couple coats

of paint around, maybe a couple
of new doors.

You're gonna be in and out in a
few hours.

Oh!
Wow! Shit.

Whoa-ho! No wall!
That's... pretty awesome.

Okay, boys, let's get to work.

Look, I do construction for a
living.

I mean, I thought Ass Kickers
was just some sort of fun

workout club-- you know, like...
CrossFit.

- CrossFit.
- Hey, man, you don't want to

take this seriously?
Hey, that's fine.

Why don't you give me those
stickers back, then?

Uh, no, I'm coming down with
a cold and I need mine.

Did you do, like, your
deer antler spray?

- Some. But I'm running lower.
- Have some of mine. Here.

All right, you know what, I
overreacted, boys.

I overreacted.
I snapped at you, and the Master

wouldn't like that.
And I'm sorry.

I think maybe this is my mission
and my calling, so why don't you

guys find some other mission and
I'll handle this one, okay?

- Thanks, Charlie.
- All right, cool.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

- Goddamn it, Charlie.
- It's fine. You know, the guys

have been working their asses
off.

I got this. Look.
Dee, the Master says fix it...

I'm gonna fix it.

Frank, is that you?
I missed you in there, pal.

Still pretty steamy, though, if
you want to hop in and...

- What the hell's this?
- Just watching a little TV.

- Are those Thin Mints?
- Oh, yeah, big time, dude.

- I love these things.
- I notice, uh... you look a

- little out of shape, there, bud.
- I am?

Yeah.
Yeah, and it's a shame, too,

because you've been looking so
great lately.

- So sexy.
- I was?

Yeah, so to see this is just
disappointing.

- To me, but you know...
- This disappoints you?

Yeah.
What-what are you doing?

You taking a day off or
something, is that okay?

I'm sure the master allows for
that, though, right?

Well, I'm not really sure
about that.

Oh, you're not sure, yeah.
Did the master not make that

crystal goddamn clear?
In all those newsletters?

- Was that not clear?
- I didn't... I didn't read

- into it like that.
- Wow, wow.

I mean, I haven't read the
things, but I've just... you

guys have been telling me and...
Thin Mints, from what I

understand, that was a whole
thing.

I think that was, like, rule
number...

- Oh, shit.
- I... yeah.

I-I... I may have... I messed up
a little bit.

I hope he doesn't notice the
fat that I'm noticing sort of

accumulated all over.
But hey, maybe he won't notice.

- I noticed, but maybe he won't.
- Y-You don't think he would,

- or...
- No, I think he will.

Uh, do you mind if I use the
computer?

I'm just gonna grab this and
take it over here for a little

bit, okay?
Mmm.

...and snap it back!
Bend and snap.

How's that neck, Cindy?

Everything good?
How are the muscles?

You feeling okay?
You may want to soak 'em a

- little bit.
- Actually, I feel great.

- Oh, you feel great.
- Frank, I'm in tremendous

- pain.
- I'm not talking to you.

- I'm talking to her.
- I can't breathe.

Oh, she needs a cigarette break.

- Could we stop, please?
- I don't care what she needs,

I'm not talking to you, do
whatever you want.

- I'm trying to hurt her.
- What?

Uh, well, it's... it... you
have to tear the fascial tissues

in order to tone the muscles
properly.

- According to the master.
- Oh. Okay.

So you bend and you snap.
But snap your head back.

- Bend... you see it?
- Frank...

- And snap!
- Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.

- We need to talk.
- Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep

- working. Go ahead.
- Yeah, okay, you got it.

Hey, listen.
We gotta make a bit of an

adjustment.
Tiny and Jo-Jo, they don't want

to do the construction, so I was
looking into what cults do to

force people into labor when the
mind tricks don't work, and one

of them was a personality test,
right?

You basically just get a bunch
of dirt on people and you hold

- it over their heads.
- So, blackmail.

Yeah.

So this is a basic personality
test.

It's really simple.
It just measures the amount of

guilt stressors that you're
feeling.

You know, I took it, and I
just... it's changed my life.

Yeah, Dee, what... what are

- guilt stressors?
- Oh, great question, great

question.
Apparently, secrets and lies

lead to guilt stressors and
that's not good, you guys.

You know why?
It impedes muscle development.

- I have read that.
- Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's science.

- Oh, shit.
- Yeah.

It does sound like good science.

So you guys just hang on to
that machine and talk about all

- your regrets.
- And what are regrets, again?

Y-You just talk about things
you feel really guilty about.

- Oh.
- Oh, okay. Uh, okay.

- Do you want to...
- Yeah, I'll go.

- Dee, where do my feet go?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.

Okay, uh...
I ate a baby toad once.

I'm not proud of it.
It just kind of happened.

It pains me to think about how
scared and confused it was and

wondering, "Why am I not home,
and why am I in some sort of

- acid pond..."
- Okay.

"...that's burning my skin?"
And what if it was looking for

its mother?
It was just a baby.

Oh, yeah, I got an idea.
How about we let one of these

- guys, uh, give it a shot.
- Oh.

Are you sure? 'Cause I don't
really feel better, but...

I'll go.
Yeah. Where do my feet go, Dee?

- Dee, his feet?
- It doesn't make a goddamn

- difference.
- I ate a toad, too.

- Oh, God.
- Really?

- I did.
- Am I good, am I good?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

Go ahead.

- Oh, I feel the burn.
- Yeah, how's-how's the neck

- feeling? How's the neck?
- You know, it's not bad.

- It's actually a little tight.
- It's a little tight.

Well, how 'bout if we hop in the
healing pool...

- Okay.
- ...and I'll give you some

touch therapy, so you don't seem
too weak for the master.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I don't suppose that could hurt.

No, that won't hurt.

Oh, shit.

Oh, hi.
The water's wonderful.

- When did you get in here?
- Oh, you don't mind that we

came in first, do you?
There's plenty of room.

No, how long are you gonna be?

Oh, man...

Well... she thinks she has a
tear in her uterine wall, so it

- might be a while.
- All right.

- Let's-let's go...
- I'm gonna go do a few more

sets of kettlepops while, uh,
running the block a few times.

- Yeah, nice.
- Don't want to disappoint the

- master.
- Mm-hmm.

- You want to come?
- Go, you go get yourself good

- and banged up.
- Okay.

- Oh, yeah...
- Guys, guys, guys, there's

been a mistake, a terrible
mistake.

I got a new newsletter from the
Master.

There's gonna be no more women,
no more Wolf Cola and no more

carpentry in Ass Kickers United.
This has all been a test

designed by the Master to figure
out who the true believers are.

I passed, you failed and that's
why I'm going to level two.

Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be

level two as well, but he'll be
directly under me.

Wh-What?
Where'd you get that from?

Uh, it was implied in the
newsletter.

- No.
- Well, how is Dennis in level

two?
Or an Ass Kicker, for that

- matter?
- Oh, he bought in.

- He... bought in?
- Come on, Ass Kickers, let's

get out of here before we're
tainted by this disgusting

- woman.
- All right. Crazy.

- Cool!
- Failed that test.

Kick some ass, huh?
Go kick some ass!

Thought you could outmaster the
Master, idiots?

So you swayed 'em back.
Uh, whatever.

- We can do that, too.
- Do you think this is easy?

You need years of practice to
even sniff my talent for

manipulation.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have

a cult that needs a charismatic
leader.

Yeah.

Goddamn it, Frank.
Goddamn it! No.

No, we cannot let him get away
with this.

No, this is about something
different now, something much

- more important.
- Shit sandwich?

What? Why? What is that?
No. God.

No, this is about control now.
This is about control and it's

about beating Dennis.
I know exactly what we need to

do.

Deandra, we're all set.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- He's out?
- He's lit.

I have so much alcohol, and I
gave him three bottles of Fight

- Milk.
- Whoa. That's a lot.

Okay, you ready? Got your cards?
Okay.

- Okay. Here we go.
- Charlie.

- Charlie.
- Say it louder.

- Charlie, wake up!
- Huh?

What's... what's...
What's happening?

- It is I... the Master!
- Am I dreaming?

- You're having a vision.
- Am I peeing?

- Uh...
- Is he peeing?

- Just read the card.
- You and the other Ass Kickers

must con... con...
What's that word?

- Congregate.
- Congregate, what does that

- mean?
- It doesn't matter, just say it.

...congregate.

- What does that mean?
- Oh, God.

You know what? Just...
Hey, Charlie, hey.

Get all the Ass Kickers together
and meet at Mac and Dennis's

apartment, okay?
Lord Zolo is gonna get you on

- the mother ship.
- Lord Zolo?

Charlie... you've graduated
to the next level.

Congratulations.
And your reward is to get to

know all the secrets of the
universe.

He's gonna put all those
brains in my head.

- Sweet.
- Yeah, there's just a few

- things you have to do.
- Okay.

I'll do them.
I'm peeing.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh...

Hey, you guys ready...
Holy shit!

Whoa! What the hell happened
in here?

Hey, do you like it?
Yeah, well, before Master Rex

said that we weren't supposed to
do carpentry, I talked to Tiny

and Jo-Jo and they got their
construction crew in here.

- There's a wall.
- Oh, you're goddamn right

there's a wall.
I'm good.

- Dennis is gonna shit his pants.
- Yeah... why?

- What are you good at?
- Good at my... I'm a good

person, and you know what?
It's time to... to do the plan

- that the master laid out.
- I'm gonna take Tiny in the

other room and make the pods
ready.

- Come on, Tiny.
- Oh, we got pods?

- Yeah.
- Of course we got pods.

Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys
on that mother ship with him,

you need pods.
Am I right, Master?

- Do-Do I get a pod?
- Okay, guys, guys, guys...

We got a... wow.
Holy shit.

- That's a wall.
- Yeah.

- This place looks great.
- You're goddamn right this

- place looks great.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty

impressive stuff, Dee, but,
uh... it doesn't seal the deal.

Guys, I've got an announcement
to make.

Yeah, we've got some big news
here.

The Master texted me while we
were on our way over here.

Oh, interesting.
Uh, I wonder how it's possible

that the Master could've texted
you when he's been here with us

- the whole time.
- Rex is the Master?

- That makes so much sense.
- Yep. Yes.

- Oh, my...
- Of course I know that Rex is

the Master, and of course I
would never question the word of

someone so... wise.
But I actually got a text from

the Supreme Overlord Master.
And that's Rex's master.

- Oh, shit.
- "Oh, shit," is right, you

guys.
That's the... he's the big guy.

He sits right at the
tippy-tippy-top, and he made it

very, very clear to me that all
of you are going to need to...

- commit suicide.
- I knew it!

- The final circle.
- Yeah, okay, sure, but hang on

a second.
Can I please talk to you for

- just a quick second?
- Sure, sure, sure.

Now, why don't you guys get
yourselves all lathered up in

lighter fluid and, uh, you're
gonna get ready to light

yourselves ablaze.

- All right.
- Thank you for trusting me.

- Yeah, of course.
- I did it. I won.

I am the most charismatic
leader.

I got Tiny to eat a shit
sandwich.

- Ugh!
- Oh!

I got him to eat a poopy.

You idiot!
I got these guys to think they

were going to another dimension.
I'm the winner.

Are you kidding me?
They were gonna light themselves

on fire for me.
I'm the winner.

- Oh...
- Guys, guys, hang on a second.

- The winner of what?
- The... the Ass Kickers, okay?

The winner of the Ass Kickers.
It-it's mine, it's not theirs.

- What?
- It's mine, it's... the whole

- thing's made up, I made it up.
- Master Rex, is this true?

- Oh, don't ask Rex, what...?
- The fire is started.

Thank you so much for trusting
me with this.

- This is good-bye!
- No... goddamn it, no!

- No, man, don't do it!
- Oh, shit!

Run!

We'll get you some help, okay?

- We'll call the fire department.
- Yeah.

- Oh, God.
- Yeah.

- And then we'll go to Dee's.
- Yeah, right?

No, no, can't we go anywhere
else?

- No, Dee.
- What if the Supreme Overlord

tries to contact us?
He has to know where we are.

Yeah, exact-exactly.
All right, well, at least he's

- on the mother ship now.
- Oh, my God! Unbelievable!

Come on, let's go.

- Good luck, Jo-Jo!
- Thank you!

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www.addic7ed.com

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