All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s02e04 Boner Doctor.eng

Ask your doctor: if you're healthy
enough for sexual activity.

If you have an erection
lasting longer than four hours,

call me!

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer, and you
can buy lab coats on eBay.

An erection that won't go away

is considered
a medical emergency,

but in my book, it's more
of a medical opportunity.

Here in my state-of-the-art
facility,

you and I will handle
the situation together.

How much does it cost?

Free.

No insurance?
Me neither.

Never have.
Probably never will.

Medically-induced erections are
nothing to be ashamed of.

You should be proud
and more importantly,

you should be on your way
over here.

If I can't wrestle that gator
down, no doctor will be able to.

So please, for your health,

call the emergency number
on your screen right now.

It's my number.

(phone ringing) Oh.

Hi, this is Amy.

Yes, I'm avail--
Oh, it already went down?

Just from hearing my voice?

You sure?

Well, thank you for cal--
Hello?

Okay, that was a wrong number.

You can call me literally any time,
24 hours, seven days a week.

I'm available at midnight
on New Year's,

for the last three years.

Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

I was just staying at a W.
You know that chain?

Right, the W?

Can you believe how preten--
Just to call yourself that.

Like,
"We're just gonna be a letter.

"It's just--

"Should we shorten it?
Should we just be the Dub?

"I don't know.

(laughter)

I don't want rich people
to have to talk too long."

So I was staying in a W
in Miami.

I always forget
not to go back there.

I went with my sister for a
vacation 'cause we're so stupid.

We got down there and we saw the
other women walking by the ocean.

We were like, "Oh.

We're not
making out with (bleep)."

The staff at the hotel saw us
clock them

and they were just
like, "Do you want a drink?"

I was like, "I want a burqa.
Cover me."

I was like, "What are those?"

They were like,
"Those are women."

I was like, "What are we?"

(laughter)

They're like,
"We don't know."

Welcome to the U.

I would love so much
to help you today.

I'm checking in.

That would be my great pleasure.

May I offer you a kumquat
and elderflower julep?

Yeah.
Thank you.

No, thank you, really.

This is a lot nicer than
the hotels I usually stay at.

I'm just in town for work
for the night.

Oh, I'm so happy you felt comfortable
enough to share that with me.

What name would
the reservation be under?

Amy Schumer.

Of course.
Perfect.

My parents almost named me Amy,
but I didn't deserve it.

(gasps) You picked
a great weekend to be here.

Willow Nolte is guest dee-jaying
in the lobby tonight.

Nick Nolte's stepdaughter.

Wow.

Here's your room key.

Check-out is at 11:00, and now
I'll show you to your room.

You're an angel
and it's my great honor

to breathe the same air as you.

Now, this is Soak,
our pool experience.

Over here, we have Splay,
our lounge area.

Oh, no.

Oh, I would have
had more of that.

And right here is Soar,
which will take us to your room.

Oh, I love your shoes.

Everything about you
is just so on point.

Thank you.

I love rolling this bag around.

'Cause it's yours.

Welcome home.

This is huge.

You could fit
three people in here.

This is too fancy for me.

No, don't say that.
No.

This is all about you.

You deserve this.

You make Kate Middleton look
like a mental patient

(bleep) herself
in a rusty wheelchair.

Right this way.

All of our water is pumped in
from virginal koi ponds

where two beautiful swans are
making love for the first time.

Our ceramic sustainable
infinity toilet

has an orgasm
every time you flush.

(toilet) Oh, yes!

I never have to fake it
with you, Amy.

You look radiant.

Take a look at yourself
in the mirror.

See what I see.

Wait, why is it--

Why aren't you in the mirror?

Oh, it doesn't reflect
the staff.

We're nothing.
I'm (bleep).

Look at me running my mouth off
like a stupid dumb bitch.

Anyway, you must be exhausted.

I'll leave you alone.

Okay.

(sighs)

- Hello, angel.
- Oh, my God.

Can I tuck you in?

Uh, you don't have to--

Oh, I want to.

Oh.

Now, would you like
to be awakened

by a soft kiss on the cheek or
a stranger going down on you?

Oh,
I don't kn-- know.

I guess the latter?

Okay, we can just feel it
out in the moment then.

Is there anything else
I can do for you?

Anything?

Um, well, I hate to ask,

but I usually sleep with
a white noise machine--

Shh...

I really prefer--

Whale noises?

That's my specialty.

(imitates whale)

We have standards, guys.
What do we serve stuff in?

Glassware, correct?

- Wouldn't it be better to serve--
- No red cups, come on!

(knock on door)

(woman) Housekeeping.

I'll be out in a minute!

Chop, chop!

(man on TV) So what's going
on in the bar right now?

Are they out of glassware?

(sighs) Good morning.

Late check-out?

Is it?

It's after 11:00.

I'm going to have to
charge you for another day.

It's like five after.

Should I just leave that
all on the Visa?

It's me.

All on the Visa, ma'am?

Yeah, I guess--

This woman is no longer
a guest at the hotel.

She's done.
She's done talking to you.

This way, ma'am.
She's done.

Oh, no, no, I think she
just didn't recognize me.

Wait, let me just...

Hi, I'm checking in.

Ooh, I love that scarf.

Is that Egyptian silk?

Everything about you
is just so on point.

Wait, it's me!
It's me!

Please!

I go to the front desk at
the Dub and, of course,

the girl working there is just
like gorgeous,

just this fiery Latina.

Amazing.

Just like tan Khalessi.

You know, just, just skinny.

She looked like this with
perfect tits.

Just-- they were so high.

She's like resting
her chin on them.

She's like, "Mmm..."

She's like,
"This is why I can't read."

Like struggling with her
own titties.

(laughter)

She was so hot.

She was like, "Can I help you?

Mmm..."

Like only Latina chicks
can do that, right?

Like they're so sexy.

It always sounds
like they're waking up

from like a grumpy nap,
you know?

Just, "Mmm.

"I'm mad, I don't know why.

Mmm."

So hot, right?

Everything they say, it sounds
like they're (bleep).

It doesn't matter how mundane.

It could be like, "I have
to go to the Laundromat."

You're like,
"Oh, my God, are you (bleep),

talking about your dirty clothes
right now?"

Can you imagine if I tried
to do that as a white chick?

(high voice)
"Where's the Laundromat?"

Ew!

You white monster, shut up!

(laughter)

This is gonna be good.

Do we really have to do this?

Yes, we're not communicating.

We need help.

We're not communicating?

Yeah, we're not communicating.

I don't even know what
you're saying right now.

(door opens)

Hello.

Hi, I'm Chrissy Teigen.

I'm so sorry about the wait.

Come on in. Thank you
so much for seeing us.

No problem.

It's gonna be fine.

So let's get started.

First of all, how long
have you two been together?

Four years. Well, we had a good
run, if that's what you mean.

Well, I think it's great
you guys are both here.

It shows that this relationship

is something that's important
to the both of you.

I'm sorry, aren't you a model?

She's a supermodel.

You sound like a real
ass(bleep) right now.

I actually was a model,

but now I'm a clinical social
worker and I really love it.

You know, I'm really
enjoying this now

and I mean, who wants
to ride a horse naked

for the camera all the time?

I'd rather just
do that on my own.

And as you know, modeling
is great,

but you hit 27
and suddenly, you're old.

Oh, that's not old.

Amy's 37.

I'm 32.

Yeah, but you're a drinker.

All right, so let's talk about
what brought you two here.

I'll start.

Um...

You know, when,
when Amy gets jealous,

I get really frustrated.

So I have to like, you know,

go to the gym and then
I gotta sweat it out.

Just... (growls)

And Amy?

Well, I, I feel like
he's cheating on me.

You just need to learn
to believe that I'm not.

Uh, well, these sound like two very
conflicting perspectives, obviously--

Can you put your glasses
back on, please?

Of course.

Thank you.

No, no.

No, no, no.

No, don't do that.

Okay, uh, well, he never has sex
with me, like at all.

It's because I don't want to.

And Amy, how does
that make you feel?

That makes me feel unattractive,
Chrissy Teigen.

You know what, Kevin, maintaining
self-esteem for a woman

can be really difficult.

I think we all feel
a little bit ugly sometimes.

All right, I want
to try a role play.

I'm going to be Amy.

Kevin, I'd like you to say to me

all the things that you'd
like to do to Amy in bed.

- Okay--
- No.

I don't think that's
a good idea for us--

First, I want to kiss
you for hours.

And then I want to run my fingers
through your long, dark hair.

And then I wanna drive you crazy

by licking you in places
no other man,

including John Legend,

has ever touched before.

All right, why don't you now say
those things directly to Amy?

It's okay.

I think she got it.

I don't think
this is helping at all.

So it's agreed.
We're on a break.

You know what I like
to do sometimes is kind of

finish off the session
with just one of you.

I think that would be
the smartest deal here.

Okay, yeah.

Amy, you'll take
a Citi Bike home, right?

I've never even used
a Citi Bike.

It's really easy.
You just use a credit card.

Actually, Kevin, I think it's
best if I finish with Amy,

but, um, you know what?

My business cards
are still being made.

But all my information
is on this for you.

Oh, my God.
Thank you.

We have a calendar--

Wow, this has everything.

I will put this to use.

Great, and then
I will see you Monday.

Monday.

Perfect.
I will see you then.

Monday.

- See you at home.
- See you.

Girl, don't blow this, girl.

What?

That man out there
is a total catch.

You need to lock it down.

Really?
(phone chimes)

Oh, gross.
It's a dick.

It's Kevin.

So I walk up to the desk
and she's like, "I'm Jordana."

Of course that's your name.

What a hot name, right?

My name's Amy Schumer, just...

(laughter)

Ew.

I sound like everyone's
lesbian aunt, you know?

And not even the fun one.

The one you hope doesn't come
to Thanksgiving

'cause she always brings
her "friend" Terri, right?

(laughter)

And you have to make
small talk like,

"So, Terri,
how's bird-feeding going?

I don't know."

She's like, "Good,
they've been eating a lot.

(laughter and applause)

Just put it out there,
they eat it, I don't know."

- Hi.
- Hi.

Welcome to New Body.

- Thank you.
- Can I help you?

Yeah, I just started
working out this morning,

so I need a little revamp
on my wardrobe

for the new body
I'm about to have.

Oh, my God, fabulous.
What's your fitness plan?

Well, I switched to Diet Snapple

and I bought a tiny
house trampoline.

So, you know, a change
a-gonna come.

What size are you now?

I'm a 4 at Old Navy.

- Okay, so an 8.
- Yeah.

And what size are you thinking
your new body's gonna be?

Uh, I'm definitely
gonna be a size 2.

Congratulations. That's
such a great size.

Thanks.

And is there any special
occasion you're preparing for?

Yeah, I've been catfishing
a guy in Michigan

and sending him
pictures of Kate Bosworth

and saying that they're me,

and we're supposed
to meet up in two weeks.

I love everything about that plan.
Same.

Why don't we walk over here to the
"five months from now" section?

- Okay.
- Come on.

Oh, my God, I love this.

But it's a size 0.

That's a size smaller than I was
thinking my new body would be.

But it's so cute.

Isn't it so cute?

Doesn't it make you
want to kill yourself?

- Yes!
- All right, listen to me.

If I were you, I would just
make my delusional diet

a little more unachievable.

Then it will hang on you.

- Okay, why not?
- Why not?

Do you have a place where I can
sit and eat this muffin?

Oh, sure, right over there.

How's it going in there?

Be honest.

Honestly, I love this
for future you.

You need to wear this when all
your lies are exposed in Michigan.

That's what I was thinking.

The best part about it
is it's so easy.

So easy.

Also, is there a place I can sit
and eat this other muffin?

It's my cheat day.

Oh, yeah, right where
you had the first one.

Thanks.

Amazing.

Um, this was unrealistic.

No returns!

(Spanish accent)
"Jordana."

I was like,
"Where's the gym?"

She was like, "Do you
mean Sweat?"

I was like, "Sweat?
No, where's your gym?"

But it was the W,

so they use all these minimalist
names for things.

So she's like,
"Well, we call our gym Sweat.

'Cause that's what you
do there."

I was like,
"Oh, that makes sense."

So I was like, "Well, where
is (bleep)?

"Um...

(laughter)

"Is there a (bleep)
on this floor, or...

(laughter)

"...are we permitted to do that
in Sweat?

Um..."

(Amy)
Whoa, save some for the fish!

You're watching
"Gym Bummers."

Welcome to Sports Central's
"Gym Bummers,"

the show about things
people do at the gym

that bum everyone out.

Let's kick off the show with
this week's highlights.

(Amy) Our first Gym Bummer comes
to us from the Scrunch gym

in Montclair, New Jersey.

Here comes supplement-pushing,
unsolicited advice guy.

Doing the double tap.

Here we go, having him
take out his headphones,

about to land and...

- You're doing it wrong.
- (Amy) Boom!

Avert your eyes, folks.

It's the co-dependent couple
working out together.

(man) Hey, why molest each other

in the comfort of your own home

when you can do it in
full view of everyone?

We understand that shoulder presses
are part of your foreplay,

but if we wanted to watch,
we'd find your YouPorn channel.

(alarm sounds) Oh, you know
what that sound means.

It's time for
the lightning round.

Code red, code red.

Indian guy working out in jeans.

Just gonna take a shot
in the dark here.

I don't think this gentleman's
gonna shower after this gym visit.

Woman who dresses like Mr.
Mistoffelees from the musical "Cats."

Guy who picks the treadmill
right next to you

when there's plenty available

and runs sideways facing you.

Man, I don't think it's true
that poodles are the smartest.

He's got nothing to say
but wants everyone to hear it.

That's a rare double bummer.

It's the classic grunt and drop.

(roaring)

Yeah!

Ugh.

Easy, Drago.

No one's invading your village.

And that's the end
of the lightning round.

Whew, well, now it's time
for Bummer of the Week.

A fully-dressed couple who
just checked into a hotel

are surveying the gym.

They didn't even bring
gym clothes.

"Yeah, wow, honey.

There are a lot
of towels in here."

Stop lying to yourselves.
You're never gonna use it.

You're never gonna use it!

And that's all the time we have.

Tune in next week for "Gym
Bummers: Locker Room Edition,"

where a naked old guy
with a hanging scrotum

blow-dries his hair
for 90 minutes.

See you then.

- Jed, you were a weed delivery boy.
- I was.

How long were you
delivering drugs for?

Uh, for like a year.

What's the statute
of limitations?

Like should I be talking
about this right now?

Right?

- I don't know.
- Oh, my God.

Good luck to both of us.

Thank you.

I will get you out.

I just signed something
that said you wouldn't.

Well, (bleep) you then.
No, just kidding.

Okay, so how did
you get into the biz?

A friend of mine was doing it

and then he quit
and let me take his place.

- A position opened up.
- Yeah.

Was the person interviewing you
scary as (bleep)?

He wasn't.

He was really excited
that I had a bike,

I owned a backpack,
and that I was white.

(laughs) Who wouldn't be?

What a great combo.

And he was like, "Oh, my God,
I'm so psyched you're white."

And you were like,
"Me, too."

I think that you smell great,

but why do so many drug delivery
guys smell like (bleep)?

Maybe 'cause of the sweat
and the running around

and riding their bike
through New York City streets.

I ran over a cup once
and piss came out of it onto me,

and so that probably
happens a lot.

Tell me about that.

I just saw a cup in the middle of the street,
standing up, while I was riding my bike

so I ran over it and it just
showered my body with piss.

Oh, sorry.
(laughs)

I'm sorry,
'cause that's not funny,

but that's really
making me laugh.

Did you ever deliver
to any celebrities?

- No.
- Really?

- Really?
- Really?

- No.
- No?

- No.
- No?

- No.
- No?

- No.
- No?

- No.
- No?

- No.
- No?

- No.
- No?

Okay.

What would be your ideal thing?

I'm a cartoonist and a
freelance illustrator, mostly.

What cartoons?

Recently, I'm working on one

about when I used to be
a weed delivery boy.

Oh, nice.
What's it called?

Uh, it's called
"Weed Delivery Boy."

Bam.

I know.
So far.

Simple, clear, you.

Never again, Miami.

But from Miami,
I went to Tennessee

and there, I'm Jordana, okay?

Yeah.

(cheers and applause) Feel it.

People are like,
"What are those?"

I was like, "Teeth.
Hi."

(laughter)

They were like,
"How'd you do that?"

I was like, "A razor."

Sorry, I was just
thinking about you.

(laughs)

(dance music playing)

What's this song called?

(dance music continues)

Did you press the button or...?
Sorry.

(woman) So easy.

(man) Mmm, magic.

Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0