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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:05,640 Hey! 2 00:00:05,741 --> 00:00:07,141 You're home early. 3 00:00:07,242 --> 00:00:08,743 They let us out of work 'cause there was a shooting. 4 00:00:08,877 --> 00:00:10,478 Why are you all sweaty? 5 00:00:10,579 --> 00:00:12,380 I was just-- I was working out. 6 00:00:12,481 --> 00:00:14,749 Yeah, is there something you wanna tell me? 7 00:00:14,883 --> 00:00:16,117 You're beautiful. 8 00:00:17,352 --> 00:00:20,555 Anything else, anything... on your mind? 9 00:00:20,656 --> 00:00:22,457 Nope, no, why? 10 00:00:22,591 --> 00:00:23,958 Because what are these, Kevin? 11 00:00:25,728 --> 00:00:26,928 I don't know, what are those? 12 00:00:27,062 --> 00:00:28,296 They look like clown panties. 13 00:00:28,397 --> 00:00:31,966 Why are there clown panties crumpled up in our hallway? 14 00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:33,634 Are those not yours? 15 00:00:33,769 --> 00:00:34,702 No, they're not mine. 16 00:00:34,803 --> 00:00:37,363 Do they look like the hypoallergenic brand my doctor recommended? 17 00:00:37,439 --> 00:00:38,473 No! 18 00:00:38,574 --> 00:00:40,541 They look like they belong to a clown. 19 00:00:40,642 --> 00:00:43,044 A slut, whore clown! 20 00:00:43,145 --> 00:00:45,079 Okay, you know, I-- I think I know what that is. 21 00:00:45,214 --> 00:00:47,181 I did our laundry at that new Laundromat 22 00:00:47,316 --> 00:00:48,716 up the street, Big Top Laundry. 23 00:00:48,817 --> 00:00:51,753 A lot of local clowns go there, so... 24 00:00:51,887 --> 00:00:53,328 Hey, I'm glad I worked this out, huh? 25 00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:55,757 - No. - Uh, who's Sparkles? 26 00:00:55,891 --> 00:00:57,692 - Hmm? - Sparkles? 27 00:00:57,793 --> 00:00:59,994 I went through your phone last night. 28 00:01:00,129 --> 00:01:01,762 Here, let's take a look. 29 00:01:02,664 --> 00:01:03,798 "You up?" 30 00:01:03,899 --> 00:01:04,866 "I need you." 31 00:01:04,967 --> 00:01:05,867 "Honk-honk." 32 00:01:05,968 --> 00:01:06,868 That's the type of (bleep) 33 00:01:07,002 --> 00:01:08,236 - you text to a clown! - Oh! 34 00:01:08,337 --> 00:01:09,403 You are (bleep)! 35 00:01:09,505 --> 00:01:12,673 Oh, my God, I was just texting a friend from work! 36 00:01:12,775 --> 00:01:14,375 I can't believe you took my phone! 37 00:01:14,476 --> 00:01:17,345 You work with someone at Deloitte & Touche named Sparkles? 38 00:01:17,412 --> 00:01:20,314 Yes, Sparkles Biederman! 39 00:01:20,449 --> 00:01:22,216 He's been there for years. 40 00:01:22,317 --> 00:01:23,484 He's Dutch. 41 00:01:23,552 --> 00:01:25,987 "Your ass is tighter than a balloon giraffe." 42 00:01:26,088 --> 00:01:29,991 You text that to a man you work with at a financial consulting firm? 43 00:01:30,092 --> 00:01:31,259 It's industry jargon. 44 00:01:31,393 --> 00:01:33,227 It's not in your wheelhouse. 45 00:01:33,362 --> 00:01:34,562 You know what, this is stupid. 46 00:01:34,630 --> 00:01:36,931 Let's just look at the security footage from last night. 47 00:01:37,065 --> 00:01:38,432 - How about that? - Oh, my God! 48 00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:40,501 You are being so crazy right now! 49 00:01:49,111 --> 00:01:51,979 What the (bleep) is that, Kevin? 50 00:02:00,756 --> 00:02:01,756 Okay. 51 00:02:02,791 --> 00:02:04,125 You got me. 52 00:02:06,728 --> 00:02:10,565 It was supposed to be a surprise for our anniversary. 53 00:02:10,766 --> 00:02:13,100 Our anniversary? 54 00:02:13,235 --> 00:02:14,669 It's tomorrow. 55 00:02:16,572 --> 00:02:18,906 You forgot, didn't you? 56 00:02:19,107 --> 00:02:21,275 Oh, my God. 57 00:02:21,376 --> 00:02:24,278 I totally forgot. 58 00:02:24,413 --> 00:02:26,981 I'm such a stupid dumb bitch. 59 00:02:27,082 --> 00:02:31,853 I know how you like balloon animals so I paid these clowns to... 60 00:02:31,954 --> 00:02:33,454 fill your closet up with them. 61 00:02:41,597 --> 00:02:43,297 Surprise. 62 00:02:43,398 --> 00:02:44,632 I'm so sorry. 63 00:02:46,268 --> 00:02:48,135 Why do you put up with me? 64 00:02:51,373 --> 00:02:53,307 Because you're hot. 65 00:02:53,408 --> 00:02:55,443 Thank God. 66 00:02:55,544 --> 00:02:57,545 I'm so sorry. 67 00:03:01,283 --> 00:03:03,384 I just-- I get so scared of losing you. 68 00:03:03,485 --> 00:03:05,586 I know, I know, I know, I know. 69 00:03:05,687 --> 00:03:07,388 I know, I know. 70 00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:18,759 Sync & corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 71 00:03:19,268 --> 00:03:21,202 Women-- we're lucky, aren't we? 72 00:03:21,303 --> 00:03:25,907 'Cause, women, we can have multiple orgasms-- I've read. 73 00:03:29,177 --> 00:03:31,312 And I swear, that's not me trashing guys. 74 00:03:31,413 --> 00:03:33,080 Like, it's not easy to give me an orgasm. 75 00:03:33,215 --> 00:03:34,081 It's not fun. 76 00:03:34,182 --> 00:03:36,150 It's... I have to have the focus 77 00:03:36,251 --> 00:03:39,153 of an Olympic hopeful on a balance beam. 78 00:03:43,358 --> 00:03:44,525 And I get distracted. 79 00:03:44,626 --> 00:03:47,862 If the temperature changes, I'm like, "I lost it, I lost it". 80 00:03:50,632 --> 00:03:53,868 But women, like, sometimes we have to fake orgasms, right? 81 00:03:54,002 --> 00:03:56,137 And that's not us being disrespectful to men. 82 00:03:56,238 --> 00:03:59,040 That's just-- that's our way of saying to you, 83 00:03:59,141 --> 00:04:01,275 you know... "Wrap it up." 84 00:04:01,376 --> 00:04:02,843 Right? 85 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,282 That's your Oscar play-off, end-your-speech music. 86 00:04:10,185 --> 00:04:11,419 We're saying, "I love you. 87 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:12,753 "I'm glad we did this. 88 00:04:12,854 --> 00:04:15,389 "But 'Storage Wars' is on in a minute. 89 00:04:17,859 --> 00:04:19,193 Get out of me." 90 00:04:23,365 --> 00:04:24,532 Thank you so much for doing this. 91 00:04:24,633 --> 00:04:26,200 Oh, no, it's an honor. 92 00:04:26,335 --> 00:04:28,402 I can't believe I'm someone's Make-A-Wish. 93 00:04:28,503 --> 00:04:29,603 His name's Jason. 94 00:04:29,738 --> 00:04:32,373 He's nine, he's gonna die, like, yesterday. 95 00:04:32,474 --> 00:04:33,574 Oh, my God. 96 00:04:33,675 --> 00:04:34,809 You'll be fine. 97 00:04:40,515 --> 00:04:41,782 - Hi, hi! - Hi, hi. 98 00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:43,017 Welcome. 99 00:04:43,118 --> 00:04:45,453 - He's, uh, right over there. - Okay. 100 00:04:45,554 --> 00:04:47,288 Hey, Jason, I'm Amy. 101 00:04:48,323 --> 00:04:49,957 Um, I brought this for you. 102 00:04:51,326 --> 00:04:52,893 Oh... 103 00:04:52,995 --> 00:04:53,995 Your headshot. 104 00:04:54,096 --> 00:04:55,129 Okay. 105 00:04:57,599 --> 00:05:01,702 Uh... I just want you to know that you're-- you're really special 106 00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:03,871 and, um... 107 00:05:03,972 --> 00:05:05,473 and everything's gonna be fine. 108 00:05:07,909 --> 00:05:09,610 Well, I'm realizing that I bit off 109 00:05:09,711 --> 00:05:11,111 a little bit more than I could chew. 110 00:05:11,179 --> 00:05:12,847 It was an honor meeting you. 111 00:05:12,981 --> 00:05:15,049 Oh, whoa, where-- where do you think you're going? 112 00:05:15,183 --> 00:05:16,317 I was gonna go get my car. 113 00:05:16,418 --> 00:05:17,785 Don't you know why you're here? 114 00:05:17,919 --> 00:05:20,521 I thought I was just supposed to come and meet-- meet Jason. 115 00:05:20,655 --> 00:05:21,522 Did I do something wrong? 116 00:05:21,623 --> 00:05:23,557 Roast me. 117 00:05:23,759 --> 00:05:24,959 Roast you? 118 00:05:26,628 --> 00:05:31,966 It was our son's last wish to be roasted by a professional comedian. 119 00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:33,634 Okay. 120 00:05:33,735 --> 00:05:36,804 Yeah, I don't feel comfortable making fun of your son. 121 00:05:36,905 --> 00:05:42,443 You think I give a bitch queef what you are comfortable with?! 122 00:05:42,544 --> 00:05:43,444 Okay. 123 00:05:43,545 --> 00:05:44,812 Okay, okay. 124 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,647 Okay. 125 00:05:46,782 --> 00:05:47,782 Um... 126 00:05:47,916 --> 00:05:49,784 Nice bed-- 127 00:05:49,918 --> 00:05:52,586 Why don't you get some more tubes in your nose, weirdo? 128 00:05:52,721 --> 00:05:54,361 Is that even a joke? 129 00:05:54,456 --> 00:05:57,191 Okay, uh... 130 00:05:57,292 --> 00:05:59,093 Where's the rest of your hair? 131 00:05:59,194 --> 00:06:01,062 - Is it, uh, at the hair parade... - Oh, God. 132 00:06:01,163 --> 00:06:02,163 ...where there's no hair? 133 00:06:02,230 --> 00:06:04,331 Enough with the softballs, please. 134 00:06:04,466 --> 00:06:05,399 Okay. 135 00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:06,667 This is really hard. 136 00:06:06,802 --> 00:06:09,637 - Hey-hey, hey, little man. - Hi. 137 00:06:09,738 --> 00:06:10,638 How ya feelin'? 138 00:06:10,739 --> 00:06:11,739 Terrible. 139 00:06:11,873 --> 00:06:14,075 Well, at least you feel the way you look. 140 00:06:15,744 --> 00:06:17,178 Am I right, am I right? 141 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:18,279 Nah, I'm just jokin', I'm just jokin'. 142 00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:19,647 You're dark and handsome. 143 00:06:19,748 --> 00:06:21,348 If it's dark... you're handsome. 144 00:06:23,285 --> 00:06:25,052 - Okay, I gotta go, I gotta go. - That's good. 145 00:06:27,389 --> 00:06:28,990 - Oh, he's good. - Amy, take notes. 146 00:06:29,024 --> 00:06:32,259 Those-- those were hack one-liners from the Internet. 147 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,894 - What? - The Internet. 148 00:06:34,029 --> 00:06:36,197 You know, the thing you won't be on in three weeks. 149 00:06:36,298 --> 00:06:37,531 Wow, Amy. Hey. 150 00:06:37,632 --> 00:06:38,532 That's not the direction we're going in? 151 00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:39,533 - No. - Listen... 152 00:06:39,634 --> 00:06:40,868 He's ready for a laugh 153 00:06:41,002 --> 00:06:42,369 but, y'know, could you please make sure it's funny? 154 00:06:42,471 --> 00:06:45,506 Yeah, put some kind of twist on it. 155 00:06:45,607 --> 00:06:47,007 Has he been there the whole time? 156 00:06:47,109 --> 00:06:48,109 Knock, knock. 157 00:06:49,411 --> 00:06:50,644 Lisa Lampanelli! 158 00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:51,679 My first choice. 159 00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:54,048 It would either be me or the Grim Reaper. 160 00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:57,184 That's good. 161 00:06:57,285 --> 00:06:58,786 We heard that you booked a Toyota commercial. 162 00:06:58,887 --> 00:07:00,521 You weren't available, I... 163 00:07:00,655 --> 00:07:03,224 Well, that explains why Amy Schumer's here. 164 00:07:03,358 --> 00:07:05,559 The girl's a miracle worker with her comedy. 165 00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:08,028 If she's funny, it's a miracle. 166 00:07:10,132 --> 00:07:11,031 That's terrific. 167 00:07:11,133 --> 00:07:12,066 Beat it! 168 00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:13,167 Yeah, beat it. 169 00:07:13,268 --> 00:07:14,168 Hey, wait a minute. 170 00:07:14,269 --> 00:07:15,402 Who's dying here first? 171 00:07:15,504 --> 00:07:18,272 This guy... or this guy? 172 00:07:21,009 --> 00:07:22,343 Excuse me. 173 00:07:22,477 --> 00:07:24,011 Are you Amy Schumer? 174 00:07:24,112 --> 00:07:25,546 - Yeah. - You have HPV. 175 00:07:25,647 --> 00:07:27,548 We've been trying to reach you for seven years. 176 00:07:29,317 --> 00:07:30,718 I know. 177 00:07:33,889 --> 00:07:36,457 If you could have one wish, what would it be? 178 00:07:36,591 --> 00:07:37,551 You're granted one wish. 179 00:07:37,592 --> 00:07:38,692 Uh... 180 00:07:38,793 --> 00:07:40,661 Is it for a sea of drunken, aging 181 00:07:40,795 --> 00:07:42,730 horny Irish men to come up behind you? 182 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:46,734 - Yup. - Yup. 183 00:07:46,835 --> 00:07:48,402 Well, today's your lucky day! 184 00:07:48,503 --> 00:07:50,571 If you had one wish, what would it be? 185 00:07:50,705 --> 00:07:52,706 I would like Green Lantern's powers. 186 00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:54,008 What could he do? 187 00:07:54,109 --> 00:07:55,476 Anything he imagines, 188 00:07:55,610 --> 00:07:57,144 he can project out his ring. 189 00:07:57,279 --> 00:07:58,312 Oh, okay. 190 00:07:58,380 --> 00:08:00,514 I thought he just, like, could marry Blake Lively 191 00:08:00,615 --> 00:08:01,916 and have a movie nobody saw. 192 00:08:08,858 --> 00:08:10,098 Thank you for coming over. 193 00:08:10,226 --> 00:08:11,927 I've never seen him this depressed. 194 00:08:12,061 --> 00:08:15,230 You know, I think it hits men especially hard when they're unemployed. 195 00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:18,833 Yeah, but even worse than that is the new therapy that he's on. 196 00:08:21,637 --> 00:08:22,571 Hey, Mark. 197 00:08:22,672 --> 00:08:24,139 Oh, hey, Colleen. 198 00:08:24,273 --> 00:08:25,674 You need help, you want me to get you something? 199 00:08:25,808 --> 00:08:28,143 No, I don't need help, I'm not five. 200 00:08:28,244 --> 00:08:29,377 Where's my lucky glass? 201 00:08:29,478 --> 00:08:30,645 It's next to the books. 202 00:08:30,746 --> 00:08:32,013 I'm at the books. 203 00:08:32,114 --> 00:08:33,682 I see it right in front of you. 204 00:08:33,783 --> 00:08:35,483 Oh, I got it, it was at the books. 205 00:08:36,786 --> 00:08:37,686 Why is he skipping? 206 00:08:37,853 --> 00:08:39,087 That's the therapy. 207 00:08:39,188 --> 00:08:40,522 The doctor told him to skip 208 00:08:40,623 --> 00:08:43,058 as a way to trick himself into feeling happier. 209 00:08:43,226 --> 00:08:44,993 Yeah, you know, I think I saw something about this 210 00:08:45,127 --> 00:08:46,528 on that show "The Doctors." 211 00:08:46,629 --> 00:08:48,997 I only saw a little bit because the show's unwatchable. 212 00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:53,201 Hey, babe, I'm sorry I, like, was curt with you, 213 00:08:53,302 --> 00:08:54,736 but I'm feeling a little better. 214 00:08:54,837 --> 00:08:55,737 I think this is starting to work. 215 00:08:55,838 --> 00:08:57,739 - I'm starting to, like, feel it. - Great, that's great, babe. 216 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,472 Hey, I'm gonna go upstairs and watch some of my karate movies. 217 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:00,998 Okay. 218 00:09:02,111 --> 00:09:03,245 Bye, Colleen. 219 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:12,954 Ho-ho, he got it. 220 00:09:13,055 --> 00:09:14,122 - Whoo! - Close. 221 00:09:14,223 --> 00:09:15,694 That guy's got my number today, huh? 222 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,492 Yeah. Why don't you try running? 223 00:09:17,593 --> 00:09:18,660 Here. 224 00:09:18,761 --> 00:09:20,528 - He's fast like a cheetah. - Babe, babe! 225 00:09:20,630 --> 00:09:21,696 I'll get that later. 226 00:09:27,970 --> 00:09:29,604 - No, no, no, no, no, let me... - Yes. 227 00:09:29,739 --> 00:09:31,406 Nothing's too good for my princess. 228 00:09:31,507 --> 00:09:32,641 Now you eat up. 229 00:09:32,742 --> 00:09:35,176 Stop skipping. 230 00:09:35,278 --> 00:09:38,613 Babe, I feel, like, lately things have been a little off with us. 231 00:09:38,681 --> 00:09:39,614 Mainly you. 232 00:09:39,715 --> 00:09:40,949 Mainly me. 233 00:09:41,050 --> 00:09:42,984 So I, um, talked to my psychiatrist 234 00:09:43,119 --> 00:09:44,552 and he wrote you this prescription. 235 00:09:46,289 --> 00:09:47,789 Don't be mad. 236 00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:49,291 The Electric Slide? 237 00:09:49,392 --> 00:09:50,525 You can do it 238 00:09:54,096 --> 00:09:56,598 Look, are you gonna stop skipping anytime soon? 239 00:09:56,699 --> 00:09:57,766 I don't know. 240 00:09:57,867 --> 00:09:59,301 Are you ever gonna try The Electric Slide? 241 00:09:59,402 --> 00:10:00,435 No. 242 00:10:00,536 --> 00:10:02,437 Why can't you be happy for me? 243 00:10:02,571 --> 00:10:04,251 Look, I don't think I can do this any more. 244 00:10:05,574 --> 00:10:07,475 - Oh, my God! - I got it, I'll get it 245 00:10:07,576 --> 00:10:09,177 No, Mark, it's too dangerous! 246 00:10:29,932 --> 00:10:30,832 Whoo! 247 00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:31,866 Oh, yeah! 248 00:10:31,967 --> 00:10:33,034 - Come on, man! - Whoo! 249 00:10:33,135 --> 00:10:34,002 You the man! 250 00:10:34,103 --> 00:10:35,003 Thank you. 251 00:10:35,104 --> 00:10:36,104 Bye. 252 00:10:44,380 --> 00:10:45,814 Oh, my gosh. 253 00:10:46,849 --> 00:10:47,889 - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. 254 00:10:47,950 --> 00:10:49,884 - I love you. - I love you, I love you. 255 00:10:49,985 --> 00:10:51,519 - I'm so sorry. - No, I love you, I'm sorry. 256 00:10:51,687 --> 00:10:53,488 I've been such a jerk-- I love you. 257 00:10:53,589 --> 00:10:55,590 I'm gonna throw out all my Aerosmith T-shirts and-- 258 00:10:55,725 --> 00:10:58,493 No, I've never liked those shirts but I support you. 259 00:10:58,594 --> 00:10:59,928 You never have to talk to my mother again. 260 00:11:00,029 --> 00:11:01,730 I already found a way to kind of stop talking to her. 261 00:11:01,864 --> 00:11:03,098 - I love you so much. - I love you too. 262 00:11:03,199 --> 00:11:04,800 - Baby-- - I'm sorry to interrupt, folks. 263 00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:06,901 That was the bravest goddamn thing 264 00:11:06,902 --> 00:11:09,337 I have ever seen in my goddamn life. 265 00:11:10,072 --> 00:11:11,072 Goddamn. 266 00:11:13,075 --> 00:11:14,542 Call me? 267 00:11:14,643 --> 00:11:17,178 We could use a guy like you on the force. 268 00:11:17,313 --> 00:11:19,247 Screw it. 269 00:11:19,382 --> 00:11:21,015 You got the job. 270 00:11:21,117 --> 00:11:22,650 Oh, my gosh! 271 00:11:22,752 --> 00:11:24,452 This is the best day of my life. 272 00:11:25,955 --> 00:11:26,921 Our life. 273 00:11:35,297 --> 00:11:36,731 Hey, you learned The Electric Slide. 274 00:11:36,832 --> 00:11:38,199 Uh, wait, it's gonna take me a second. 275 00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,101 - Okay. - You can just... 276 00:11:40,236 --> 00:11:41,870 - Come back? - Yeah, let's head it back. 277 00:11:44,740 --> 00:11:45,840 Ooh. 278 00:11:47,877 --> 00:11:48,589 Maybe we should just take a cab. 279 00:11:48,615 --> 00:11:49,835 Yeah, do you mind if we take a cab? 280 00:11:49,911 --> 00:11:50,979 - Yeah. - I'm just so tired. 281 00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:51,830 I'm into this but I'm just tired. 282 00:11:51,856 --> 00:11:52,705 No, no, no, it's a good idea. 283 00:11:55,918 --> 00:11:57,819 - Are you dating anybody? - Yes, I am. 284 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,288 Does he have any annoying habits? 285 00:12:00,389 --> 00:12:02,991 Um... kind of everything, 286 00:12:03,092 --> 00:12:04,993 but... 287 00:12:05,127 --> 00:12:07,395 I don't like it when girls say they're sarcastic. 288 00:12:07,496 --> 00:12:08,797 It just means they're not funny. 289 00:12:08,931 --> 00:12:10,932 You're just gonna make stupid comments 290 00:12:11,066 --> 00:12:12,767 about things and think that's enough. 291 00:12:12,868 --> 00:12:14,108 Are you talking to me right now? 292 00:12:20,544 --> 00:12:23,345 I haven't done anything I'm supposed to do as a 30-year-old. 293 00:12:23,446 --> 00:12:25,314 Like, I was the last one to know 294 00:12:25,448 --> 00:12:28,117 that it wasn't cool to drink like a homeless person anymore. 295 00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:31,687 'Cause when you're younger, that's how you drink. 296 00:12:31,821 --> 00:12:34,823 You drink, like, 40s in paper bags at bus stops. 297 00:12:36,126 --> 00:12:37,259 Right? 298 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,028 Some people still do it. 299 00:12:40,330 --> 00:12:42,831 You run from the cops, you pee behind dumpsters. 300 00:12:44,634 --> 00:12:46,135 I remember more than once being like, 301 00:12:46,236 --> 00:12:47,636 "I just found these beers in the bushes. 302 00:12:47,737 --> 00:12:49,471 Let's drink 'em!" 303 00:12:49,639 --> 00:12:52,141 And no one was like, "Ew, you're a vagrant." 304 00:12:52,275 --> 00:12:54,944 They were like, "We're gonna remember tonight forever!" 305 00:12:56,613 --> 00:12:58,380 Uh... 306 00:12:58,481 --> 00:12:59,882 It's just gross. 307 00:13:00,016 --> 00:13:02,851 In your 20s, if you black out from drinking, you're fun. 308 00:13:02,953 --> 00:13:04,219 You're a fun girl, right? 309 00:13:05,522 --> 00:13:08,390 In your 30s... you're "not invited girl." 310 00:13:08,491 --> 00:13:10,459 That's what happens. 311 00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:21,003 Oh, hi, I'm here to audition for "forgettable girl number three". 312 00:13:21,137 --> 00:13:22,004 Oh. 313 00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:23,105 Amy... 314 00:13:23,206 --> 00:13:24,440 why don't you have a seat. 315 00:13:24,574 --> 00:13:27,509 There are some people here who love you a whole lot. 316 00:13:27,611 --> 00:13:30,613 They called me because they think you have a problem. 317 00:13:30,714 --> 00:13:33,282 We think you're addicted to buying rounds of stuff for people. 318 00:13:33,350 --> 00:13:35,084 Shut up, you piece of (bleep)! 319 00:13:35,218 --> 00:13:37,453 A month ago, I was a normal girl 320 00:13:37,554 --> 00:13:41,156 who liked watching Wendy Williams and sitting alone in public parks. 321 00:13:41,257 --> 00:13:44,126 But addiction can come into anyone's life at anytime. 322 00:13:44,194 --> 00:13:46,595 This is a dramatic reenactment of my story. 323 00:13:48,031 --> 00:13:49,598 It's so weird. 324 00:13:49,699 --> 00:13:51,400 I'm, like, a different size at every store. 325 00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:53,002 At Zara, I'm a beast. 326 00:13:53,103 --> 00:13:55,004 At J. Crew, I'm like a supermodel. 327 00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,239 Yeah, I'm a nine across the board. 328 00:13:57,340 --> 00:13:58,701 Like, it doesn't matter where I go. 329 00:13:58,775 --> 00:14:01,010 I was used to my friends ignoring me 330 00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:03,145 and getting my name wrong most of the time. 331 00:14:03,279 --> 00:14:07,282 Tonia, Tonia, Tonia, Tonia, Tonia, Tonia... 332 00:14:07,384 --> 00:14:09,284 - Put it on the card. - Thank you. 333 00:14:09,386 --> 00:14:10,819 What can I get for you ladies? 334 00:14:10,954 --> 00:14:13,122 Uh... you know what? 335 00:14:13,223 --> 00:14:15,190 Round of drinks on me. 336 00:14:15,291 --> 00:14:17,526 - Wow! - All right! 337 00:14:17,627 --> 00:14:18,794 - Whoo! - Whoo! 338 00:14:18,962 --> 00:14:23,532 Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy... 339 00:14:23,667 --> 00:14:26,702 That was the moment my whole life changed. 340 00:14:28,204 --> 00:14:29,371 Guys... 341 00:14:29,506 --> 00:14:32,408 we are so "Sex and the City" right now. 342 00:14:32,509 --> 00:14:33,475 I'm Carrie. 343 00:14:33,576 --> 00:14:34,476 You're Samantha. 344 00:14:34,611 --> 00:14:35,611 Ahh... 345 00:14:35,712 --> 00:14:38,514 You're Charlotte, and... 346 00:14:38,615 --> 00:14:39,915 Who's Miranda? 347 00:14:40,016 --> 00:14:41,016 Obviously me. 348 00:14:41,117 --> 00:14:42,317 Oh, what about the bathroom attendant? 349 00:14:42,419 --> 00:14:43,852 She looks like a lawyer. 350 00:14:43,987 --> 00:14:45,387 - Nailed it. - Yeah! 351 00:14:45,488 --> 00:14:46,855 Know what time it is? 352 00:14:46,990 --> 00:14:49,892 It's "a round of drinks on me o'clock", bitches. 353 00:14:49,959 --> 00:14:51,226 Whoo! 354 00:14:51,327 --> 00:14:53,429 Amy, Amy, Amy... 355 00:14:53,530 --> 00:14:55,664 My addiction had taken hold of me. 356 00:14:55,765 --> 00:14:57,299 It was like a drug. 357 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,635 And also, I was doing drugs. 358 00:14:59,736 --> 00:15:03,739 Uh, babe, you're spending way too much money at the bars. 359 00:15:03,873 --> 00:15:05,607 It's crazy. 360 00:15:05,709 --> 00:15:08,343 Promise me you'll get it under control. 361 00:15:08,478 --> 00:15:10,245 Absolutely. 362 00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,314 But I couldn't get it under control. 363 00:15:12,415 --> 00:15:15,084 I also cheated on him, like, a ton. 364 00:15:15,185 --> 00:15:17,819 No matter where I went, my addiction followed. 365 00:15:18,822 --> 00:15:22,124 Hi, um, will Plan "B" also get rid of my UTI? 366 00:15:25,095 --> 00:15:26,695 Round of pills on me! 367 00:15:34,504 --> 00:15:35,871 Amy... 368 00:15:35,972 --> 00:15:37,012 why don't you have a seat. 369 00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:40,242 There are some people here who love you a whole lot. 370 00:15:40,343 --> 00:15:43,812 And they called me because they think you have a problem. 371 00:15:46,082 --> 00:15:47,583 - Oh, my God. - Amy. 372 00:15:53,757 --> 00:15:55,124 Oh, my God, what do you want? 373 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:56,125 What are you buying?! 374 00:15:56,226 --> 00:15:57,426 I'll buy you whatever you want! 375 00:15:57,427 --> 00:15:58,627 - Round on me! - Uh... 376 00:15:58,728 --> 00:15:59,928 Round on me! 377 00:16:00,029 --> 00:16:02,564 Hey, hey! 378 00:16:02,699 --> 00:16:04,433 It's over. 379 00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:05,901 It's over. 380 00:16:06,002 --> 00:16:07,035 It was over. 381 00:16:12,442 --> 00:16:14,143 Well, it's been, uh... 382 00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:17,513 it's been 90 days since I came here, 383 00:16:17,614 --> 00:16:19,715 um, to the center. 384 00:16:19,816 --> 00:16:21,383 Hi, I'm doing a thing. 385 00:16:21,518 --> 00:16:23,118 And I feel amazing. 386 00:16:23,219 --> 00:16:24,686 I feel like myself again. 387 00:16:24,788 --> 00:16:25,888 Hi. 388 00:16:26,022 --> 00:16:27,222 All right, I'll see you at the event. 389 00:16:27,357 --> 00:16:29,591 Um, everybody's so cool here 390 00:16:29,726 --> 00:16:31,593 and-- oh, I know I look a little bit different. 391 00:16:31,728 --> 00:16:32,761 Um... 392 00:16:32,896 --> 00:16:35,297 I tried doing my hair in a new way. 393 00:16:35,431 --> 00:16:36,532 Uh... 394 00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:40,202 I've just been-- just doing me work and just-- 395 00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:42,638 just really focusing on my poetry 396 00:16:42,739 --> 00:16:44,840 and channeling all my energy into that. 397 00:16:45,975 --> 00:16:46,942 Here it goes. 398 00:16:56,553 --> 00:17:00,355 "Rounds and rounds "and rounds we go. 399 00:17:01,825 --> 00:17:03,292 "Where will this stop? 400 00:17:05,628 --> 00:17:07,029 "Now I know. 401 00:17:07,130 --> 00:17:08,230 "Who are you? 402 00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:10,032 "Who am I? 403 00:17:10,099 --> 00:17:12,134 Who is that, who is that?" 404 00:17:30,287 --> 00:17:32,822 So, Aidan, you are how old? 405 00:17:32,923 --> 00:17:34,357 Six years old. 406 00:17:34,458 --> 00:17:35,658 60 years old? 407 00:17:35,759 --> 00:17:36,659 Six! 408 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,394 Guess how old I am. 409 00:17:38,495 --> 00:17:39,896 45? 410 00:17:39,997 --> 00:17:41,030 Close. 411 00:17:41,131 --> 00:17:42,799 What's your favorite TV show? 412 00:17:42,933 --> 00:17:46,903 "Pok?mon" and "The Amazing World of Gumball." 413 00:17:47,004 --> 00:17:48,371 Did you ever see "Homeland"? 414 00:17:48,505 --> 00:17:49,605 No. 415 00:17:49,706 --> 00:17:52,141 What about the show "Girls"? 416 00:17:52,276 --> 00:17:54,710 Mommy does say it's not appropriate for me 417 00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:57,847 because I'm-- because I'm too young for it. 418 00:17:57,948 --> 00:17:59,348 Mom's smart. 419 00:17:59,483 --> 00:18:01,417 So do you have any brothers and sisters? 420 00:18:01,518 --> 00:18:03,119 Um... 421 00:18:04,088 --> 00:18:05,288 You don't have to answer. 422 00:18:05,389 --> 00:18:07,757 Are they in-- are they in the witness protection? 423 00:18:07,858 --> 00:18:08,858 Uh-huh. 424 00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:11,027 Just blink once if you have a sister. 425 00:18:13,497 --> 00:18:15,064 Blink twice if you have a brother. 426 00:18:16,967 --> 00:18:18,334 Okay, I got it. 427 00:18:18,435 --> 00:18:20,470 Um, do you have a girlfriend? 428 00:18:20,604 --> 00:18:21,737 Well, my-- 429 00:18:21,905 --> 00:18:24,941 well, my cousin actually a brother and a cousin. 430 00:18:25,042 --> 00:18:29,745 You know, it's not a good idea to, um, date cousins. 431 00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:30,780 Why? 432 00:18:30,881 --> 00:18:32,381 Can you just trust me on this one? 433 00:18:32,483 --> 00:18:33,616 Okay. 434 00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:36,919 Uh, what do you think the best thing is about being a kid? 435 00:18:37,020 --> 00:18:39,422 That you can have kids. 436 00:18:39,523 --> 00:18:41,190 No, I mean toy-- 437 00:18:41,291 --> 00:18:42,792 - I mean toys. - Toys, that's-- 438 00:18:42,926 --> 00:18:44,227 I'm glad you changed it. 439 00:18:44,361 --> 00:18:47,730 Um, have you ever heard of the NuvaRing? 440 00:18:47,831 --> 00:18:48,865 No. 441 00:18:48,966 --> 00:18:50,032 Okay, good. 442 00:18:50,134 --> 00:18:52,301 Uh, what's your favorite thing to eat? 443 00:18:52,402 --> 00:18:56,706 Chinese food and... rice and shrimp. 444 00:18:56,807 --> 00:18:59,175 Do you trust Chinese people? 445 00:19:00,711 --> 00:19:01,978 Yeah, me too. 446 00:19:02,079 --> 00:19:06,249 Um, can you please describe what you think the tooth fairy looks like? 447 00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:11,654 I think she have, uh, wings and she can fly 448 00:19:11,788 --> 00:19:17,527 and be quiet to take people's tooths and give them money. 449 00:19:17,661 --> 00:19:19,996 And I think she got white skin. 450 00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:20,997 Why? 451 00:19:21,131 --> 00:19:22,198 Because... 452 00:19:22,332 --> 00:19:24,500 I just watched a movie of a tooth fairy. 453 00:19:24,601 --> 00:19:26,302 Some of them are black. 454 00:19:26,403 --> 00:19:27,703 Are you comfortable with that? 455 00:19:27,804 --> 00:19:28,771 Uh-huh. 456 00:19:28,839 --> 00:19:30,072 Yeah, I feel okay about it. 457 00:19:30,174 --> 00:19:32,675 Um, what annoys you? 458 00:19:32,809 --> 00:19:35,211 Grownups telling me what to do. 459 00:19:35,312 --> 00:19:37,880 You gotta question the man, do you know what I'm saying? 460 00:19:37,981 --> 00:19:39,048 No. 461 00:19:40,117 --> 00:19:41,184 Okay. 462 00:19:41,318 --> 00:19:44,687 Um, do you think you're better than me? 463 00:19:44,821 --> 00:19:46,022 Yes. 464 00:19:46,156 --> 00:19:47,657 You may be right. 465 00:19:47,758 --> 00:19:48,824 I think you're great. 466 00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:51,486 I can't believe I've been avoiding having one of you for so long. 467 00:19:57,367 --> 00:19:59,135 My friends-- it's a weird age. 468 00:19:59,269 --> 00:20:00,970 Like, they're living normal lives. 469 00:20:01,071 --> 00:20:02,338 They-- they're doing it. 470 00:20:02,472 --> 00:20:03,472 They're really in their 30s. 471 00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:05,708 They all have gotten married. 472 00:20:05,842 --> 00:20:08,277 They all keep their kids every time now. 473 00:20:12,115 --> 00:20:13,482 Oh, sorry, 474 00:20:13,584 --> 00:20:17,019 "I always carry it to term" judgmental audience, um... 475 00:20:19,189 --> 00:20:20,356 No. 476 00:20:20,457 --> 00:20:21,624 I'm like, you're not even gonna think about it? 477 00:20:21,758 --> 00:20:23,793 I don't even know you any more. 478 00:20:26,296 --> 00:20:27,563 And look, I'm not crazy. 479 00:20:27,664 --> 00:20:30,700 I just think you should consider, you know... 480 00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:32,768 terminating the pregnancy if it was... 481 00:20:32,869 --> 00:20:38,274 rape or incest or with a redhead, like, the unforgivables, you know? 482 00:20:38,375 --> 00:20:41,210 The unacceptables. 483 00:20:45,782 --> 00:20:47,216 Do you have any questions for me? 484 00:20:47,317 --> 00:20:48,884 Are you putting this on TV? 485 00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,119 Uh-huh. 486 00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:52,054 People will see me on TV. 487 00:20:52,155 --> 00:20:54,123 Yay, I am a TV actor. 488 00:20:56,260 --> 00:20:57,793 So easy. 489 00:20:57,928 --> 00:20:59,161 Mmm, magic. 490 00:21:00,986 --> 00:21:06,986 Sync & corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 491 00:21:07,036 --> 00:21:11,586 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 33898

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