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1
00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:05,640
Hey!
2
00:00:05,741 --> 00:00:07,141
You're home early.
3
00:00:07,242 --> 00:00:08,743
They let us out of work
'cause there was a shooting.
4
00:00:08,877 --> 00:00:10,478
Why are you all sweaty?
5
00:00:10,579 --> 00:00:12,380
I was just-- I was working out.
6
00:00:12,481 --> 00:00:14,749
Yeah, is there something
you wanna tell me?
7
00:00:14,883 --> 00:00:16,117
You're beautiful.
8
00:00:17,352 --> 00:00:20,555
Anything else, anything...
on your mind?
9
00:00:20,656 --> 00:00:22,457
Nope, no, why?
10
00:00:22,591 --> 00:00:23,958
Because what are these, Kevin?
11
00:00:25,728 --> 00:00:26,928
I don't know, what are those?
12
00:00:27,062 --> 00:00:28,296
They look like clown panties.
13
00:00:28,397 --> 00:00:31,966
Why are there clown panties
crumpled up in our hallway?
14
00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:33,634
Are those not yours?
15
00:00:33,769 --> 00:00:34,702
No, they're not mine.
16
00:00:34,803 --> 00:00:37,363
Do they look like the hypoallergenic
brand my doctor recommended?
17
00:00:37,439 --> 00:00:38,473
No!
18
00:00:38,574 --> 00:00:40,541
They look like they
belong to a clown.
19
00:00:40,642 --> 00:00:43,044
A slut, whore clown!
20
00:00:43,145 --> 00:00:45,079
Okay, you know, I--
I think I know what that is.
21
00:00:45,214 --> 00:00:47,181
I did our laundry at
that new Laundromat
22
00:00:47,316 --> 00:00:48,716
up the street,
Big Top Laundry.
23
00:00:48,817 --> 00:00:51,753
A lot of local clowns
go there, so...
24
00:00:51,887 --> 00:00:53,328
Hey, I'm glad I
worked this out, huh?
25
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:55,757
- No.
- Uh, who's Sparkles?
26
00:00:55,891 --> 00:00:57,692
- Hmm?
- Sparkles?
27
00:00:57,793 --> 00:00:59,994
I went through your
phone last night.
28
00:01:00,129 --> 00:01:01,762
Here, let's take a look.
29
00:01:02,664 --> 00:01:03,798
"You up?"
30
00:01:03,899 --> 00:01:04,866
"I need you."
31
00:01:04,967 --> 00:01:05,867
"Honk-honk."
32
00:01:05,968 --> 00:01:06,868
That's the type of (bleep)
33
00:01:07,002 --> 00:01:08,236
- you text to a clown!
- Oh!
34
00:01:08,337 --> 00:01:09,403
You are (bleep)!
35
00:01:09,505 --> 00:01:12,673
Oh, my God, I was just
texting a friend from work!
36
00:01:12,775 --> 00:01:14,375
I can't believe you
took my phone!
37
00:01:14,476 --> 00:01:17,345
You work with someone at Deloitte
& Touche named Sparkles?
38
00:01:17,412 --> 00:01:20,314
Yes, Sparkles Biederman!
39
00:01:20,449 --> 00:01:22,216
He's been there for years.
40
00:01:22,317 --> 00:01:23,484
He's Dutch.
41
00:01:23,552 --> 00:01:25,987
"Your ass is tighter
than a balloon giraffe."
42
00:01:26,088 --> 00:01:29,991
You text that to a man you work with
at a financial consulting firm?
43
00:01:30,092 --> 00:01:31,259
It's industry jargon.
44
00:01:31,393 --> 00:01:33,227
It's not in your wheelhouse.
45
00:01:33,362 --> 00:01:34,562
You know what, this is stupid.
46
00:01:34,630 --> 00:01:36,931
Let's just look at the security
footage from last night.
47
00:01:37,065 --> 00:01:38,432
- How about that?
- Oh, my God!
48
00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:40,501
You are being
so crazy right now!
49
00:01:49,111 --> 00:01:51,979
What the (bleep)
is that, Kevin?
50
00:02:00,756 --> 00:02:01,756
Okay.
51
00:02:02,791 --> 00:02:04,125
You got me.
52
00:02:06,728 --> 00:02:10,565
It was supposed to be a
surprise for our anniversary.
53
00:02:10,766 --> 00:02:13,100
Our anniversary?
54
00:02:13,235 --> 00:02:14,669
It's tomorrow.
55
00:02:16,572 --> 00:02:18,906
You forgot, didn't you?
56
00:02:19,107 --> 00:02:21,275
Oh, my God.
57
00:02:21,376 --> 00:02:24,278
I totally forgot.
58
00:02:24,413 --> 00:02:26,981
I'm such a stupid dumb bitch.
59
00:02:27,082 --> 00:02:31,853
I know how you like balloon animals
so I paid these clowns to...
60
00:02:31,954 --> 00:02:33,454
fill your closet up with them.
61
00:02:41,597 --> 00:02:43,297
Surprise.
62
00:02:43,398 --> 00:02:44,632
I'm so sorry.
63
00:02:46,268 --> 00:02:48,135
Why do you put up with me?
64
00:02:51,373 --> 00:02:53,307
Because you're hot.
65
00:02:53,408 --> 00:02:55,443
Thank God.
66
00:02:55,544 --> 00:02:57,545
I'm so sorry.
67
00:03:01,283 --> 00:03:03,384
I just-- I get
so scared of losing you.
68
00:03:03,485 --> 00:03:05,586
I know, I know, I know, I know.
69
00:03:05,687 --> 00:03:07,388
I know, I know.
70
00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:18,759
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
71
00:03:19,268 --> 00:03:21,202
Women--
we're lucky, aren't we?
72
00:03:21,303 --> 00:03:25,907
'Cause, women, we can have
multiple orgasms-- I've read.
73
00:03:29,177 --> 00:03:31,312
And I swear, that's not me
trashing guys.
74
00:03:31,413 --> 00:03:33,080
Like, it's not easy
to give me an orgasm.
75
00:03:33,215 --> 00:03:34,081
It's not fun.
76
00:03:34,182 --> 00:03:36,150
It's...
I have to have the focus
77
00:03:36,251 --> 00:03:39,153
of an Olympic hopeful
on a balance beam.
78
00:03:43,358 --> 00:03:44,525
And I get distracted.
79
00:03:44,626 --> 00:03:47,862
If the temperature changes,
I'm like, "I lost it, I lost it".
80
00:03:50,632 --> 00:03:53,868
But women, like, sometimes we
have to fake orgasms, right?
81
00:03:54,002 --> 00:03:56,137
And that's not us
being disrespectful to men.
82
00:03:56,238 --> 00:03:59,040
That's just-- that's our way
of saying to you,
83
00:03:59,141 --> 00:04:01,275
you know... "Wrap it up."
84
00:04:01,376 --> 00:04:02,843
Right?
85
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,282
That's your Oscar
play-off, end-your-speech music.
86
00:04:10,185 --> 00:04:11,419
We're saying, "I love you.
87
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:12,753
"I'm glad we did this.
88
00:04:12,854 --> 00:04:15,389
"But 'Storage Wars'
is on in a minute.
89
00:04:17,859 --> 00:04:19,193
Get out of me."
90
00:04:23,365 --> 00:04:24,532
Thank you so
much for doing this.
91
00:04:24,633 --> 00:04:26,200
Oh, no, it's an honor.
92
00:04:26,335 --> 00:04:28,402
I can't believe
I'm someone's Make-A-Wish.
93
00:04:28,503 --> 00:04:29,603
His name's Jason.
94
00:04:29,738 --> 00:04:32,373
He's nine, he's gonna die,
like, yesterday.
95
00:04:32,474 --> 00:04:33,574
Oh, my God.
96
00:04:33,675 --> 00:04:34,809
You'll be fine.
97
00:04:40,515 --> 00:04:41,782
- Hi, hi!
- Hi, hi.
98
00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:43,017
Welcome.
99
00:04:43,118 --> 00:04:45,453
- He's, uh, right over there.
- Okay.
100
00:04:45,554 --> 00:04:47,288
Hey, Jason, I'm Amy.
101
00:04:48,323 --> 00:04:49,957
Um, I brought this for you.
102
00:04:51,326 --> 00:04:52,893
Oh...
103
00:04:52,995 --> 00:04:53,995
Your headshot.
104
00:04:54,096 --> 00:04:55,129
Okay.
105
00:04:57,599 --> 00:05:01,702
Uh... I just want you to know that
you're-- you're really special
106
00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:03,871
and, um...
107
00:05:03,972 --> 00:05:05,473
and everything's
gonna be fine.
108
00:05:07,909 --> 00:05:09,610
Well, I'm realizing
that I bit off
109
00:05:09,711 --> 00:05:11,111
a little bit more
than I could chew.
110
00:05:11,179 --> 00:05:12,847
It was an honor meeting you.
111
00:05:12,981 --> 00:05:15,049
Oh, whoa, where-- where
do you think you're going?
112
00:05:15,183 --> 00:05:16,317
I was gonna go get my car.
113
00:05:16,418 --> 00:05:17,785
Don't you know
why you're here?
114
00:05:17,919 --> 00:05:20,521
I thought I was just supposed
to come and meet-- meet Jason.
115
00:05:20,655 --> 00:05:21,522
Did I do something wrong?
116
00:05:21,623 --> 00:05:23,557
Roast me.
117
00:05:23,759 --> 00:05:24,959
Roast you?
118
00:05:26,628 --> 00:05:31,966
It was our son's last wish to be
roasted by a professional comedian.
119
00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:33,634
Okay.
120
00:05:33,735 --> 00:05:36,804
Yeah, I don't feel comfortable
making fun of your son.
121
00:05:36,905 --> 00:05:42,443
You think I give a bitch queef
what you are comfortable with?!
122
00:05:42,544 --> 00:05:43,444
Okay.
123
00:05:43,545 --> 00:05:44,812
Okay, okay.
124
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,647
Okay.
125
00:05:46,782 --> 00:05:47,782
Um...
126
00:05:47,916 --> 00:05:49,784
Nice bed--
127
00:05:49,918 --> 00:05:52,586
Why don't you get some more
tubes in your nose, weirdo?
128
00:05:52,721 --> 00:05:54,361
Is that even a joke?
129
00:05:54,456 --> 00:05:57,191
Okay, uh...
130
00:05:57,292 --> 00:05:59,093
Where's the rest of your hair?
131
00:05:59,194 --> 00:06:01,062
- Is it, uh, at the hair parade...
- Oh, God.
132
00:06:01,163 --> 00:06:02,163
...where there's no hair?
133
00:06:02,230 --> 00:06:04,331
Enough with
the softballs, please.
134
00:06:04,466 --> 00:06:05,399
Okay.
135
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:06,667
This is really hard.
136
00:06:06,802 --> 00:06:09,637
- Hey-hey, hey, little man.
- Hi.
137
00:06:09,738 --> 00:06:10,638
How ya feelin'?
138
00:06:10,739 --> 00:06:11,739
Terrible.
139
00:06:11,873 --> 00:06:14,075
Well, at least you feel
the way you look.
140
00:06:15,744 --> 00:06:17,178
Am I right, am I right?
141
00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:18,279
Nah, I'm just jokin',
I'm just jokin'.
142
00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:19,647
You're dark and handsome.
143
00:06:19,748 --> 00:06:21,348
If it's dark...
you're handsome.
144
00:06:23,285 --> 00:06:25,052
- Okay, I gotta go, I gotta go.
- That's good.
145
00:06:27,389 --> 00:06:28,990
- Oh, he's good.
- Amy, take notes.
146
00:06:29,024 --> 00:06:32,259
Those-- those were hack
one-liners from the Internet.
147
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,894
- What?
- The Internet.
148
00:06:34,029 --> 00:06:36,197
You know, the thing you
won't be on in three weeks.
149
00:06:36,298 --> 00:06:37,531
Wow, Amy.
Hey.
150
00:06:37,632 --> 00:06:38,532
That's not the direction
we're going in?
151
00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:39,533
- No.
- Listen...
152
00:06:39,634 --> 00:06:40,868
He's ready for a laugh
153
00:06:41,002 --> 00:06:42,369
but, y'know, could you
please make sure it's funny?
154
00:06:42,471 --> 00:06:45,506
Yeah, put some kind of
twist on it.
155
00:06:45,607 --> 00:06:47,007
Has he been there
the whole time?
156
00:06:47,109 --> 00:06:48,109
Knock, knock.
157
00:06:49,411 --> 00:06:50,644
Lisa Lampanelli!
158
00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:51,679
My first choice.
159
00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:54,048
It would either be me
or the Grim Reaper.
160
00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:57,184
That's good.
161
00:06:57,285 --> 00:06:58,786
We heard that you booked
a Toyota commercial.
162
00:06:58,887 --> 00:07:00,521
You weren't available, I...
163
00:07:00,655 --> 00:07:03,224
Well, that explains
why Amy Schumer's here.
164
00:07:03,358 --> 00:07:05,559
The girl's a miracle worker
with her comedy.
165
00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:08,028
If she's funny,
it's a miracle.
166
00:07:10,132 --> 00:07:11,031
That's terrific.
167
00:07:11,133 --> 00:07:12,066
Beat it!
168
00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:13,167
Yeah, beat it.
169
00:07:13,268 --> 00:07:14,168
Hey, wait a minute.
170
00:07:14,269 --> 00:07:15,402
Who's dying here first?
171
00:07:15,504 --> 00:07:18,272
This guy... or this guy?
172
00:07:21,009 --> 00:07:22,343
Excuse me.
173
00:07:22,477 --> 00:07:24,011
Are you Amy Schumer?
174
00:07:24,112 --> 00:07:25,546
- Yeah.
- You have HPV.
175
00:07:25,647 --> 00:07:27,548
We've been trying to
reach you for seven years.
176
00:07:29,317 --> 00:07:30,718
I know.
177
00:07:33,889 --> 00:07:36,457
If you could have one wish,
what would it be?
178
00:07:36,591 --> 00:07:37,551
You're granted one wish.
179
00:07:37,592 --> 00:07:38,692
Uh...
180
00:07:38,793 --> 00:07:40,661
Is it for
a sea of drunken, aging
181
00:07:40,795 --> 00:07:42,730
horny Irish men to come up
behind you?
182
00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:46,734
- Yup.
- Yup.
183
00:07:46,835 --> 00:07:48,402
Well, today's your lucky day!
184
00:07:48,503 --> 00:07:50,571
If you had one wish,
what would it be?
185
00:07:50,705 --> 00:07:52,706
I would like
Green Lantern's powers.
186
00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:54,008
What could he do?
187
00:07:54,109 --> 00:07:55,476
Anything he imagines,
188
00:07:55,610 --> 00:07:57,144
he can project out his ring.
189
00:07:57,279 --> 00:07:58,312
Oh, okay.
190
00:07:58,380 --> 00:08:00,514
I thought he just, like,
could marry Blake Lively
191
00:08:00,615 --> 00:08:01,916
and have a movie nobody saw.
192
00:08:08,858 --> 00:08:10,098
Thank you for
coming over.
193
00:08:10,226 --> 00:08:11,927
I've never
seen him this depressed.
194
00:08:12,061 --> 00:08:15,230
You know, I think it hits men especially
hard when they're unemployed.
195
00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:18,833
Yeah, but even worse than that
is the new therapy that he's on.
196
00:08:21,637 --> 00:08:22,571
Hey, Mark.
197
00:08:22,672 --> 00:08:24,139
Oh, hey, Colleen.
198
00:08:24,273 --> 00:08:25,674
You need help, you want me
to get you something?
199
00:08:25,808 --> 00:08:28,143
No, I don't need help,
I'm not five.
200
00:08:28,244 --> 00:08:29,377
Where's my lucky glass?
201
00:08:29,478 --> 00:08:30,645
It's next to the books.
202
00:08:30,746 --> 00:08:32,013
I'm at the books.
203
00:08:32,114 --> 00:08:33,682
I see it right
in front of you.
204
00:08:33,783 --> 00:08:35,483
Oh, I got it,
it was at the books.
205
00:08:36,786 --> 00:08:37,686
Why is he skipping?
206
00:08:37,853 --> 00:08:39,087
That's the therapy.
207
00:08:39,188 --> 00:08:40,522
The doctor told him to skip
208
00:08:40,623 --> 00:08:43,058
as a way to trick himself
into feeling happier.
209
00:08:43,226 --> 00:08:44,993
Yeah, you know, I think
I saw something about this
210
00:08:45,127 --> 00:08:46,528
on that show
"The Doctors."
211
00:08:46,629 --> 00:08:48,997
I only saw a little bit because
the show's unwatchable.
212
00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:53,201
Hey, babe, I'm sorry I, like,
was curt with you,
213
00:08:53,302 --> 00:08:54,736
but I'm feeling
a little better.
214
00:08:54,837 --> 00:08:55,737
I think this is starting
to work.
215
00:08:55,838 --> 00:08:57,739
- I'm starting to, like, feel it.
- Great, that's great, babe.
216
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,472
Hey, I'm gonna go upstairs and
watch some of my karate movies.
217
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:00,998
Okay.
218
00:09:02,111 --> 00:09:03,245
Bye, Colleen.
219
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:12,954
Ho-ho, he got it.
220
00:09:13,055 --> 00:09:14,122
- Whoo!
- Close.
221
00:09:14,223 --> 00:09:15,694
That guy's got my
number today, huh?
222
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,492
Yeah.
Why don't you try running?
223
00:09:17,593 --> 00:09:18,660
Here.
224
00:09:18,761 --> 00:09:20,528
- He's fast like a cheetah.
- Babe, babe!
225
00:09:20,630 --> 00:09:21,696
I'll get that later.
226
00:09:27,970 --> 00:09:29,604
- No, no, no, no, no, let me...
- Yes.
227
00:09:29,739 --> 00:09:31,406
Nothing's too good
for my princess.
228
00:09:31,507 --> 00:09:32,641
Now you eat up.
229
00:09:32,742 --> 00:09:35,176
Stop skipping.
230
00:09:35,278 --> 00:09:38,613
Babe, I feel, like, lately things
have been a little off with us.
231
00:09:38,681 --> 00:09:39,614
Mainly you.
232
00:09:39,715 --> 00:09:40,949
Mainly me.
233
00:09:41,050 --> 00:09:42,984
So I, um, talked
to my psychiatrist
234
00:09:43,119 --> 00:09:44,552
and he wrote you this
prescription.
235
00:09:46,289 --> 00:09:47,789
Don't be mad.
236
00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:49,291
The Electric Slide?
237
00:09:49,392 --> 00:09:50,525
You can do it
238
00:09:54,096 --> 00:09:56,598
Look, are you gonna stop
skipping anytime soon?
239
00:09:56,699 --> 00:09:57,766
I don't know.
240
00:09:57,867 --> 00:09:59,301
Are you ever gonna try
The Electric Slide?
241
00:09:59,402 --> 00:10:00,435
No.
242
00:10:00,536 --> 00:10:02,437
Why can't you be happy for me?
243
00:10:02,571 --> 00:10:04,251
Look, I don't think
I can do this any more.
244
00:10:05,574 --> 00:10:07,475
- Oh, my God!
- I got it, I'll get it
245
00:10:07,576 --> 00:10:09,177
No, Mark, it's too dangerous!
246
00:10:29,932 --> 00:10:30,832
Whoo!
247
00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:31,866
Oh, yeah!
248
00:10:31,967 --> 00:10:33,034
- Come on, man!
- Whoo!
249
00:10:33,135 --> 00:10:34,002
You the man!
250
00:10:34,103 --> 00:10:35,003
Thank you.
251
00:10:35,104 --> 00:10:36,104
Bye.
252
00:10:44,380 --> 00:10:45,814
Oh, my gosh.
253
00:10:46,849 --> 00:10:47,889
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
254
00:10:47,950 --> 00:10:49,884
- I love you.
- I love you, I love you.
255
00:10:49,985 --> 00:10:51,519
- I'm so sorry.
- No, I love you, I'm sorry.
256
00:10:51,687 --> 00:10:53,488
I've been such
a jerk-- I love you.
257
00:10:53,589 --> 00:10:55,590
I'm gonna throw out all
my Aerosmith T-shirts and--
258
00:10:55,725 --> 00:10:58,493
No, I've never liked those
shirts but I support you.
259
00:10:58,594 --> 00:10:59,928
You never have to talk
to my mother again.
260
00:11:00,029 --> 00:11:01,730
I already found a way to
kind of stop talking to her.
261
00:11:01,864 --> 00:11:03,098
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
262
00:11:03,199 --> 00:11:04,800
- Baby--
- I'm sorry to interrupt, folks.
263
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:06,901
That was the bravest
goddamn thing
264
00:11:06,902 --> 00:11:09,337
I have ever seen
in my goddamn life.
265
00:11:10,072 --> 00:11:11,072
Goddamn.
266
00:11:13,075 --> 00:11:14,542
Call me?
267
00:11:14,643 --> 00:11:17,178
We could use a guy
like you on the force.
268
00:11:17,313 --> 00:11:19,247
Screw it.
269
00:11:19,382 --> 00:11:21,015
You got the job.
270
00:11:21,117 --> 00:11:22,650
Oh, my gosh!
271
00:11:22,752 --> 00:11:24,452
This is the best day
of my life.
272
00:11:25,955 --> 00:11:26,921
Our life.
273
00:11:35,297 --> 00:11:36,731
Hey, you learned
The Electric Slide.
274
00:11:36,832 --> 00:11:38,199
Uh, wait, it's gonna
take me a second.
275
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,101
- Okay.
- You can just...
276
00:11:40,236 --> 00:11:41,870
- Come back?
- Yeah, let's head it back.
277
00:11:44,740 --> 00:11:45,840
Ooh.
278
00:11:47,877 --> 00:11:48,589
Maybe we should
just take a cab.
279
00:11:48,615 --> 00:11:49,835
Yeah, do you mind
if we take a cab?
280
00:11:49,911 --> 00:11:50,979
- Yeah.
- I'm just so tired.
281
00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:51,830
I'm into this but
I'm just tired.
282
00:11:51,856 --> 00:11:52,705
No, no, no, it's a good idea.
283
00:11:55,918 --> 00:11:57,819
- Are you dating anybody?
- Yes, I am.
284
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,288
Does he have any
annoying habits?
285
00:12:00,389 --> 00:12:02,991
Um... kind of
everything,
286
00:12:03,092 --> 00:12:04,993
but...
287
00:12:05,127 --> 00:12:07,395
I don't like it when girls
say they're sarcastic.
288
00:12:07,496 --> 00:12:08,797
It just means
they're not funny.
289
00:12:08,931 --> 00:12:10,932
You're just gonna make
stupid comments
290
00:12:11,066 --> 00:12:12,767
about things
and think that's enough.
291
00:12:12,868 --> 00:12:14,108
Are you talking
to me right now?
292
00:12:20,544 --> 00:12:23,345
I haven't done anything I'm
supposed to do as a 30-year-old.
293
00:12:23,446 --> 00:12:25,314
Like, I was the last
one to know
294
00:12:25,448 --> 00:12:28,117
that it wasn't cool to drink
like a homeless person anymore.
295
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:31,687
'Cause when you're younger,
that's how you drink.
296
00:12:31,821 --> 00:12:34,823
You drink, like, 40s
in paper bags at bus stops.
297
00:12:36,126 --> 00:12:37,259
Right?
298
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,028
Some people still do it.
299
00:12:40,330 --> 00:12:42,831
You run from the cops,
you pee behind dumpsters.
300
00:12:44,634 --> 00:12:46,135
I remember more than once
being like,
301
00:12:46,236 --> 00:12:47,636
"I just found
these beers in the bushes.
302
00:12:47,737 --> 00:12:49,471
Let's drink 'em!"
303
00:12:49,639 --> 00:12:52,141
And no one was like,
"Ew, you're a vagrant."
304
00:12:52,275 --> 00:12:54,944
They were like, "We're gonna
remember tonight forever!"
305
00:12:56,613 --> 00:12:58,380
Uh...
306
00:12:58,481 --> 00:12:59,882
It's just gross.
307
00:13:00,016 --> 00:13:02,851
In your 20s, if you black out
from drinking, you're fun.
308
00:13:02,953 --> 00:13:04,219
You're a fun girl, right?
309
00:13:05,522 --> 00:13:08,390
In your 30s...
you're "not invited girl."
310
00:13:08,491 --> 00:13:10,459
That's what happens.
311
00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:21,003
Oh, hi, I'm here to audition for
"forgettable girl number three".
312
00:13:21,137 --> 00:13:22,004
Oh.
313
00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:23,105
Amy...
314
00:13:23,206 --> 00:13:24,440
why don't you have a seat.
315
00:13:24,574 --> 00:13:27,509
There are some people here
who love you a whole lot.
316
00:13:27,611 --> 00:13:30,613
They called me because
they think you have a problem.
317
00:13:30,714 --> 00:13:33,282
We think you're addicted to buying
rounds of stuff for people.
318
00:13:33,350 --> 00:13:35,084
Shut up, you piece of (bleep)!
319
00:13:35,218 --> 00:13:37,453
A month ago,
I was a normal girl
320
00:13:37,554 --> 00:13:41,156
who liked watching Wendy Williams
and sitting alone in public parks.
321
00:13:41,257 --> 00:13:44,126
But addiction can come into
anyone's life at anytime.
322
00:13:44,194 --> 00:13:46,595
This is a dramatic
reenactment of my story.
323
00:13:48,031 --> 00:13:49,598
It's so weird.
324
00:13:49,699 --> 00:13:51,400
I'm, like, a different
size at every store.
325
00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:53,002
At Zara, I'm a beast.
326
00:13:53,103 --> 00:13:55,004
At J. Crew,
I'm like a supermodel.
327
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,239
Yeah, I'm a nine
across the board.
328
00:13:57,340 --> 00:13:58,701
Like, it doesn't
matter where I go.
329
00:13:58,775 --> 00:14:01,010
I was used to my friends
ignoring me
330
00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:03,145
and getting my name
wrong most of the time.
331
00:14:03,279 --> 00:14:07,282
Tonia, Tonia, Tonia,
Tonia, Tonia, Tonia...
332
00:14:07,384 --> 00:14:09,284
- Put it on the card.
- Thank you.
333
00:14:09,386 --> 00:14:10,819
What can I get for you ladies?
334
00:14:10,954 --> 00:14:13,122
Uh... you know what?
335
00:14:13,223 --> 00:14:15,190
Round of drinks on me.
336
00:14:15,291 --> 00:14:17,526
- Wow!
- All right!
337
00:14:17,627 --> 00:14:18,794
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
338
00:14:18,962 --> 00:14:23,532
Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy...
339
00:14:23,667 --> 00:14:26,702
That was the moment
my whole life changed.
340
00:14:28,204 --> 00:14:29,371
Guys...
341
00:14:29,506 --> 00:14:32,408
we are so
"Sex and the City" right now.
342
00:14:32,509 --> 00:14:33,475
I'm Carrie.
343
00:14:33,576 --> 00:14:34,476
You're Samantha.
344
00:14:34,611 --> 00:14:35,611
Ahh...
345
00:14:35,712 --> 00:14:38,514
You're Charlotte, and...
346
00:14:38,615 --> 00:14:39,915
Who's Miranda?
347
00:14:40,016 --> 00:14:41,016
Obviously me.
348
00:14:41,117 --> 00:14:42,317
Oh, what about
the bathroom attendant?
349
00:14:42,419 --> 00:14:43,852
She looks like a lawyer.
350
00:14:43,987 --> 00:14:45,387
- Nailed it.
- Yeah!
351
00:14:45,488 --> 00:14:46,855
Know what time it is?
352
00:14:46,990 --> 00:14:49,892
It's "a round of drinks
on me o'clock", bitches.
353
00:14:49,959 --> 00:14:51,226
Whoo!
354
00:14:51,327 --> 00:14:53,429
Amy, Amy, Amy...
355
00:14:53,530 --> 00:14:55,664
My addiction had
taken hold of me.
356
00:14:55,765 --> 00:14:57,299
It was like a drug.
357
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,635
And also, I was doing drugs.
358
00:14:59,736 --> 00:15:03,739
Uh, babe, you're spending way
too much money at the bars.
359
00:15:03,873 --> 00:15:05,607
It's crazy.
360
00:15:05,709 --> 00:15:08,343
Promise me you'll
get it under control.
361
00:15:08,478 --> 00:15:10,245
Absolutely.
362
00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,314
But I couldn't
get it under control.
363
00:15:12,415 --> 00:15:15,084
I also cheated on him,
like, a ton.
364
00:15:15,185 --> 00:15:17,819
No matter where I went,
my addiction followed.
365
00:15:18,822 --> 00:15:22,124
Hi, um, will Plan "B"
also get rid of my UTI?
366
00:15:25,095 --> 00:15:26,695
Round of pills on me!
367
00:15:34,504 --> 00:15:35,871
Amy...
368
00:15:35,972 --> 00:15:37,012
why don't you have a seat.
369
00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:40,242
There are some people here
who love you a whole lot.
370
00:15:40,343 --> 00:15:43,812
And they called me because
they think you have a problem.
371
00:15:46,082 --> 00:15:47,583
- Oh, my God.
- Amy.
372
00:15:53,757 --> 00:15:55,124
Oh, my God, what do you want?
373
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:56,125
What are you buying?!
374
00:15:56,226 --> 00:15:57,426
I'll buy you
whatever you want!
375
00:15:57,427 --> 00:15:58,627
- Round on me!
- Uh...
376
00:15:58,728 --> 00:15:59,928
Round on me!
377
00:16:00,029 --> 00:16:02,564
Hey, hey!
378
00:16:02,699 --> 00:16:04,433
It's over.
379
00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:05,901
It's over.
380
00:16:06,002 --> 00:16:07,035
It was over.
381
00:16:12,442 --> 00:16:14,143
Well, it's been, uh...
382
00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:17,513
it's been 90 days
since I came here,
383
00:16:17,614 --> 00:16:19,715
um, to the center.
384
00:16:19,816 --> 00:16:21,383
Hi, I'm doing a thing.
385
00:16:21,518 --> 00:16:23,118
And I feel amazing.
386
00:16:23,219 --> 00:16:24,686
I feel like myself again.
387
00:16:24,788 --> 00:16:25,888
Hi.
388
00:16:26,022 --> 00:16:27,222
All right, I'll see you
at the event.
389
00:16:27,357 --> 00:16:29,591
Um, everybody's so cool here
390
00:16:29,726 --> 00:16:31,593
and-- oh, I know I look
a little bit different.
391
00:16:31,728 --> 00:16:32,761
Um...
392
00:16:32,896 --> 00:16:35,297
I tried doing my hair
in a new way.
393
00:16:35,431 --> 00:16:36,532
Uh...
394
00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:40,202
I've just been--
just doing me work and just--
395
00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:42,638
just really focusing
on my poetry
396
00:16:42,739 --> 00:16:44,840
and channeling
all my energy into that.
397
00:16:45,975 --> 00:16:46,942
Here it goes.
398
00:16:56,553 --> 00:17:00,355
"Rounds and rounds
"and rounds we go.
399
00:17:01,825 --> 00:17:03,292
"Where will this stop?
400
00:17:05,628 --> 00:17:07,029
"Now I know.
401
00:17:07,130 --> 00:17:08,230
"Who are you?
402
00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:10,032
"Who am I?
403
00:17:10,099 --> 00:17:12,134
Who is that, who is that?"
404
00:17:30,287 --> 00:17:32,822
So, Aidan, you are how old?
405
00:17:32,923 --> 00:17:34,357
Six years old.
406
00:17:34,458 --> 00:17:35,658
60 years old?
407
00:17:35,759 --> 00:17:36,659
Six!
408
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,394
Guess how old I am.
409
00:17:38,495 --> 00:17:39,896
45?
410
00:17:39,997 --> 00:17:41,030
Close.
411
00:17:41,131 --> 00:17:42,799
What's your favorite TV show?
412
00:17:42,933 --> 00:17:46,903
"Pok?mon" and "The Amazing
World of Gumball."
413
00:17:47,004 --> 00:17:48,371
Did you ever see "Homeland"?
414
00:17:48,505 --> 00:17:49,605
No.
415
00:17:49,706 --> 00:17:52,141
What about the show "Girls"?
416
00:17:52,276 --> 00:17:54,710
Mommy does say
it's not appropriate for me
417
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:57,847
because I'm-- because
I'm too young for it.
418
00:17:57,948 --> 00:17:59,348
Mom's smart.
419
00:17:59,483 --> 00:18:01,417
So do you have any
brothers and sisters?
420
00:18:01,518 --> 00:18:03,119
Um...
421
00:18:04,088 --> 00:18:05,288
You don't have to answer.
422
00:18:05,389 --> 00:18:07,757
Are they in-- are they in
the witness protection?
423
00:18:07,858 --> 00:18:08,858
Uh-huh.
424
00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:11,027
Just blink once
if you have a sister.
425
00:18:13,497 --> 00:18:15,064
Blink twice if you
have a brother.
426
00:18:16,967 --> 00:18:18,334
Okay, I got it.
427
00:18:18,435 --> 00:18:20,470
Um, do you have a girlfriend?
428
00:18:20,604 --> 00:18:21,737
Well, my--
429
00:18:21,905 --> 00:18:24,941
well, my cousin actually
a brother and a cousin.
430
00:18:25,042 --> 00:18:29,745
You know, it's not a good idea
to, um, date cousins.
431
00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:30,780
Why?
432
00:18:30,881 --> 00:18:32,381
Can you just trust me
on this one?
433
00:18:32,483 --> 00:18:33,616
Okay.
434
00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:36,919
Uh, what do you think the best
thing is about being a kid?
435
00:18:37,020 --> 00:18:39,422
That you can have kids.
436
00:18:39,523 --> 00:18:41,190
No, I mean toy--
437
00:18:41,291 --> 00:18:42,792
- I mean toys.
- Toys, that's--
438
00:18:42,926 --> 00:18:44,227
I'm glad you changed it.
439
00:18:44,361 --> 00:18:47,730
Um, have you ever
heard of the NuvaRing?
440
00:18:47,831 --> 00:18:48,865
No.
441
00:18:48,966 --> 00:18:50,032
Okay, good.
442
00:18:50,134 --> 00:18:52,301
Uh, what's your
favorite thing to eat?
443
00:18:52,402 --> 00:18:56,706
Chinese food
and... rice and shrimp.
444
00:18:56,807 --> 00:18:59,175
Do you trust Chinese people?
445
00:19:00,711 --> 00:19:01,978
Yeah, me too.
446
00:19:02,079 --> 00:19:06,249
Um, can you please describe what you
think the tooth fairy looks like?
447
00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:11,654
I think she have, uh, wings
and she can fly
448
00:19:11,788 --> 00:19:17,527
and be quiet to take people's
tooths and give them money.
449
00:19:17,661 --> 00:19:19,996
And I think
she got white skin.
450
00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:20,997
Why?
451
00:19:21,131 --> 00:19:22,198
Because...
452
00:19:22,332 --> 00:19:24,500
I just watched a movie of
a tooth fairy.
453
00:19:24,601 --> 00:19:26,302
Some of them are black.
454
00:19:26,403 --> 00:19:27,703
Are you comfortable with that?
455
00:19:27,804 --> 00:19:28,771
Uh-huh.
456
00:19:28,839 --> 00:19:30,072
Yeah, I feel okay about it.
457
00:19:30,174 --> 00:19:32,675
Um, what annoys you?
458
00:19:32,809 --> 00:19:35,211
Grownups telling me what to do.
459
00:19:35,312 --> 00:19:37,880
You gotta question the man,
do you know what I'm saying?
460
00:19:37,981 --> 00:19:39,048
No.
461
00:19:40,117 --> 00:19:41,184
Okay.
462
00:19:41,318 --> 00:19:44,687
Um, do you think
you're better than me?
463
00:19:44,821 --> 00:19:46,022
Yes.
464
00:19:46,156 --> 00:19:47,657
You may be right.
465
00:19:47,758 --> 00:19:48,824
I think you're great.
466
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:51,486
I can't believe I've been avoiding
having one of you for so long.
467
00:19:57,367 --> 00:19:59,135
My friends-- it's a weird age.
468
00:19:59,269 --> 00:20:00,970
Like, they're living
normal lives.
469
00:20:01,071 --> 00:20:02,338
They-- they're doing it.
470
00:20:02,472 --> 00:20:03,472
They're really in their 30s.
471
00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:05,708
They all have gotten married.
472
00:20:05,842 --> 00:20:08,277
They all keep their kids
every time now.
473
00:20:12,115 --> 00:20:13,482
Oh, sorry,
474
00:20:13,584 --> 00:20:17,019
"I always carry it to term"
judgmental audience, um...
475
00:20:19,189 --> 00:20:20,356
No.
476
00:20:20,457 --> 00:20:21,624
I'm like, you're not even gonna
think about it?
477
00:20:21,758 --> 00:20:23,793
I don't even
know you any more.
478
00:20:26,296 --> 00:20:27,563
And look, I'm not crazy.
479
00:20:27,664 --> 00:20:30,700
I just think you should
consider, you know...
480
00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:32,768
terminating
the pregnancy if it was...
481
00:20:32,869 --> 00:20:38,274
rape or incest or with a redhead,
like, the unforgivables, you know?
482
00:20:38,375 --> 00:20:41,210
The unacceptables.
483
00:20:45,782 --> 00:20:47,216
Do you have
any questions for me?
484
00:20:47,317 --> 00:20:48,884
Are you putting this on TV?
485
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,119
Uh-huh.
486
00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:52,054
People will see me on TV.
487
00:20:52,155 --> 00:20:54,123
Yay, I am a TV actor.
488
00:20:56,260 --> 00:20:57,793
So easy.
489
00:20:57,928 --> 00:20:59,161
Mmm, magic.
490
00:21:00,986 --> 00:21:06,986
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00:21:07,036 --> 00:21:11,586
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