All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s01e03 v A Porn Star Is Born.eng

I like you, Amy.

I like you, too.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

In fact, I thought
maybe we could...

have a sleepover tonight.

A sleepover?

Yeah, a sleepover.

Is that something that
you would be into?

Yeah, I would
totally be into that.

Yeah?

I did want to tell
you something,

before we go any further,

and it may be like
a total dealbreaker

and I won't judge
you either way, I promise.

I'm sure it's fine.

What is it?

I...

have AIDS.

- Amy?
- What's up?

Did you hear what I just said?

Oh, did you say something?

Did you hear what I said and
you're pretending you didn't

so you don't have to actually,
like, talk about--

- Do you have AIDS?
- Yeah, I do.

Okay...

Is that a dealbreaker
for you, or...

No, no, no, no, no.

No! No, no!

- I keep saying no.
- That's true.

No, that's not a deal breaker.

Oh my God, AIDS? That?

No, that's great.

No, it's not great.

I'm not saying, like,
that's great.

I just, like--
Actually, you know what?

It makes me more confident
in our relationship.

You know?

'Cause I just--

Like, I really, I really
like you, I don't know.

I don't know
what I'm saying, ahh.

Like what kind of AIDS?

HIV?

Uh, no--
Full-blown--

Full-blown AIDS.

Oh, like the virus
that causes AIDS?

No, it already caused it.

- Oh, thank you.
- For what?

For being honest
about your... AIDS,

and the state it's in.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I want you to know that it
doesn't bother me at all.

It doesn't bother me
at all that you have it,

and my dad has psoriasis,
so I get it.

Amy, are you okay with this?

It's-- it's really fine
if you're not.

Um...

Actually, I think
I am okay with it.

I think I really am.

Sorry, I kinda--
Had a moment there.

I mean, people do this.

If we just use protection
and, you know, don't, like,

share needles,
then we should be fine.

You are so high-maintenance,
my God.

Gar?on, the lady will have
her own needle.

- Please.
- Shut up.

Are-- are we okay?

Yeah, yeah.

We are, we're okay.

God, I think it's kind of
cool, it's kind of badass.

Like, the '90s are back.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you go to, like,
a lot of events?

No, I go to a lot of doctors.

Yeah, well.

Cheers.

- AIDS.
- What?

Mmm, this is really good.

This wine will actually
go amazing with this

cayenne chocolate
torte that they have.

That does sound amazing,
I can't have that.

I have a gluten allergy.

So that torte would be,
like, my AIDS.

Oh, are you going
to the bathroom?

Is this AIDS-related?

Full disclosure, I didn't see
"Philadelphia," but I did see "Gia,"

and, like, the tail end
of "Precious,"

so I feel prepared to help.

No, I'm leaving.

I'm sorry, I'm a total foodie
and I think that

gluten allergies
are just bull (bleep).

Later, Amy.

I-- I think you're forgetting
who has AIDS here.

You have AIDS here.

What?

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'Cause I mean we all
just are such liars

when we start dating
somebody, right?

I'm such a liar
when I start dating a guy.

I'm just like,
super cool new girl.

I'm the best.

I'm like, yes, I want to hear

about your fantasy football
team, of course.

Don't leave anything out.

Do I want to have a threesome?

Definitely, I've always
wondered about that.

Girls are so soft.

Lies.

And guys want to believe it,
so they just buy it.

They're like,
where have you been?

I'm like, I'm here now.

I'm like, let me just sweep this
crazy under the rug

for a couple months.

You don't need to--
need to see this yet.

Nothing to see here.

It's gonna be a big surprise month
three after I have some whiskey.

I'll tell you
I hate your sisters.

His name is Ernst Brentwhistle.

Tech billionaire
and covert arms dealer.

And we have one shot
to bring him in,

and you two are
the best of the best.

Your codenames for this op are
Cross Bolt and Butter Face.

Cross Bolt, you're my point man.

I need you to take out the
guards and acquire the target.

Now, we want him alive
if possible,

but you are a go to
use lethal force if necessary.

Butter Face, you're running
a classic distract and capture.

You'll have a chance meeting
with Brentwhistle

when you run into him
at the party he's having

- in his hotel.
- On it.

Arouse his interest, take him
back to his penthouse,

and that's when you'll get
started making dinner for him.

Make him a casserole,
a meatloaf, your call.

Something with a protein
and a vegetable.

Don't go crazy,
cook something you know.

That's when I poison him,
right, sir?

Slow down, Butter Face.

Cross Bolt, while Butter Face
has him distracted

in the kitchen, you'll
rappel down the building

into the living room and that's
where you'll find the hard drive.

- Sweet.
- It will be sweet.

Rappelling is awesome.

Butter Face, when you are sure
that Cross Bolt has the drive,

I want you to lure him
into the bedroom

and you are a go to
give him a (bleep) job.

Uh, sir?

I'm capable of hacking into the
mainframe of a nuclear submarine.

We don't need
anything that drastic,

the (bleep) job
will do just fine.

Now we'll--
I'm sorry, I'm just--

I'm not sure I'm comfortable
with this, sir.

Don't worry.

There'll be plenty
of hidden cameras.

We will be right there
with you the whole time.

Literally, the entire agency
will be watching.

My dad works here.

Come on, you can do this.

Shut up, Dennis.

All right, under the table,
you'll find a duffel and in it,

your specialized equipment.

Laser nunchakus.

There's just a scrunchie
in here.

That's to hold your hair back,
and remember, no teeth.

All right, team, let's go.

Operation Enduring Mouth
begins now.

Amy One, clear.

Ow.

Cross Bolt, on behalf of
a grateful nation,

I present you with the highest
top secret award in existence.

The titanium star.

Butter Face...

feel free to keep
that scrunchie.

Hey, maybe next time you could do
a cool mission like I just did.

Get your--
(bleep)

Bitch.

Would you take a dick
for a green card?

Depends.

- This is America.
- It depends.

They should just ask that.

- No citizenship test.
- Exactly, yes.

- Who cares who the 30th president was?
- Right.

I will take
a dick for this country.

Yes, that's how much
I love America.

I feel like I'm sweating.

Somebody tell me
if I'm sweating

and somebody needs
to come up and--

- You're good.
- Thank you.

I love the loud girls, like so--

You're gorgeous.

I asked them to seat people
who look like you back there

so I have my self-esteem intact.

What'd you say?

- How do you get a ticket?
- How do you get a ticket?

What do you mean, you're here--
Oh, I was like, she's so--

She's so pretty, like,
no one's ever been, like,

you're dumb, but...

And you.

He's like the nicest Muppet.

Lumberjack convention's in town.

You are adorable.

I want to know what you're
hiding from.

You look like the cloud sweeper from
"Care Bears" when he was a boy.

I'm psyched that you guys
are so attractive

and I know there's a beautiful
man under all that (bleep).

Oh my God, Brie,
you dyed your hair.

It looks amazing.

Oh no, you're
just being nice.

No, seriously,
it looks great.

No, I tried to look like Kate
Hudson, but ended up looking

like a golden retriever's
dingleberry.

But you, look at
your cute little dress!

Little?
I'm like a size 100 now.

Anyway, I paid like
$2 for it.

It's probably made out of
old Burger King crowns.

I look like a whore
locked out of her apartment.

- Hi!
- Amy!

- Hi!
- Hey!

I love your hat.

Are you drunk?

I look like an Armenian man.

People are trying to
buy carpets from me.

Excuse me, when did you start
working for NASA?

You're weightless.

(bleep) you,
I'm a (bleep) cow.

Indian people are trying
to worship me.

I sleep standing
up in a field.

Fancy meeting you girls here.

Hey!

Of course, I see everyone

when I look like
Susan Boyle's toothbrush.

You look so pretty.

Uh, Miss Jessica, congrats on
your big promotion, beyotch.

I'm gonna get fired in,
like, two seconds.

No. I'm legally retarded.

On my SATs, I just drew
a picture of a house

on the first page
and ate the rest.

Lindsay!
Congratulations!

Please, come on, guys.

The father's anybody's guess
and I'm 1,000 years old.

I mean, I bet this thing is gonna
fall out and be an old cobweb.

You are gonna be
the best mom ever.

I just want to, like,
crawl in your (bleep)

and have you
give birth to me.

Good luck trying to nurse on this
shriveled-up spaghetti squash, ugh.

Your tits make Katy Perry's
look like the Holocaust.

- That's so true.
- They do.

- Perky.
- They do.

Is that Amanda?
Amanda!

- Hi!
- Hey!

Hey!

I love your jacket!

Thank you.

Oh my God!

Oh no!

Watch out!

Yay, one new
Twitter follower!

Okay, give me a compliment,

but like,
that you don't mean it,

like, in a passive-
aggressive way.

I could see that hat on you.

- You don't have a big butt.
- Yeah.

Yes, I do.

Oh yeah, you do, you do.

Good for you.

I have an ass on me, too.

- Yeah, I saw.
- Thank you.

So how old are you?

- 38.
- You are?

God, I really
couldn't tell that.

You look like you just came out
of high school yourself.

Yeah, I mean, I--

I like to be told
I look like a fetus.

Yeah, like, I'm really
impressed with your outfit.

Thank you very much,
I like yours as well.

No, come on, you're
just saying that.

I was just being nice.

Yeah, I look like I just
walked out of a soup kitchen.

What's your favorite
type of porn?

I've been watching
a casting-couch one.

I don't know, I mean, I usually
go for the Asian ones.

Oh man, that is so typical.

The titles are more interesting
than the porns themselves.

Like, um, "Schindler's Fist"?

That's what I'm doing with
my BA in Theater.

What kind, what's your
favorite right now?

Are you, like, at a phase?

Nice, black, petite
women, things like that.

Yeah?

Do you like a girl who's petite
but then has ass for weeks?

I like 'em petite, I don't
know about the ass for weeks.

How petite?

Like, um, like a miniature horse?

Cocaine is the cat's pajamas!

Ding-dong!

If you had to change
something about yourself,

what would it be, physically?

My feet.

Why, what's wrong
with your feet?

My toes are short and stumpy.

They are?
Like how short and stumpy?

Like short--

Oh God, I can see through your
boot, they're disgusting!

So Sharon,
you are a plastic surgeon.

Yes.

And how many years
have you been practicing?

I've been in New York City
practicing for about 12, 13 years.

At what point do you stop
calling it "practice"?

That's a good question.

- Okay, my breasts.
- Mm-hmm.

How big would you
let me get them?

I would say, are you looking for
something beyond a natural size,

which I call supernatural?

I think I want to be in between
Precious and Dolly Parton.

So you're thinking large.

How about something
in a Joy Behar?

D? D?

- Double D.
- Double D.

Sold!

Are you ever doing surgery
and you're just like, "Ew!"

No.

Good.

- That's good.
- No.

When people get liposuction, where
do they get it suctioned from?

Usually, I'll do bellies,
love handles, muffin tops.

- ...men--
- Is that a clinical term?

Like, do people say
"muffin top"?

- Yeah?
- I like to say "flanks."

'Cause that's a steak.

What's the weirdest thing
anyone's ever asked you to do?

I mean, has anyone
ever been like,

"I'm just dying
for another nipple."

No.

Okay, would you do that?

- No.
- Okay, okay.

I was asking for a friend, that's
not something I'm interested in.

What if I wanted
square nipples?

I would say... no.

Okay.

What did I just hear about getting
injections into your clitoris?

It was popular in LA.

I missed it?
I missed the clit wave?

- What happened?
- Maybe.

In your-- Why?
To make it bigger?

Potentially--
To make it bigger.

It will always
make it bigger.

Everybody wants
more everything.

Potentially, that was to
increase stimulation and--

But it probably
accomplished that goal

by helping the men more
to find their way.

Oh yeah,
let's help the men more.

I think I'm just gonna
let myself go.

Just go out
to pasture, you know?

I think I'm gonna wind up--
I know I'm gonna--

I drink, so I'll probably
look like a baseball glove,

but I'm just, like, I think--

- I kind of feel like, (bleep) it.
- No, you'll just see.

I mean, if you're bothered,
then, you know,

you may end up in my office.

I do wear sunscreen
and I also date guys

that don't pay attention to
detail, so I can, you know,

kind of age like (bleep)
and cheat on them.

Do guys want penile implants?

- Have you ever seen one?
- Have I ever--

I saw one that was injected
with a lot of silicone once

when I was in residency.

It-- Like a salami.

So were you
looking at it as--

Like, was it part of a class, or
did you, like, go home with him?

No.

Do you guys do
vaginal rejuvenation?

I do a little bit of vaginal
rejuvenation, yes.

God.

That sounds like
such a bummer.

We-- The most common
thing that I'll treat is--

it's called virginal hypertrophy
of the labia minora.

- I'm Jewish.
- Okay.

- What does that have to do with it?
- Oh, I thought you said "menorah".

The non-technical term is
the inner lips of the vagina.

Okay-- are they supposed
to be on the inside?

I'm just kidding.

Cocaine is the cat's pajamas!

Ding-dong!

Cocaine again.

That was happy as hell.

So easy.

Mmm, magic!

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