Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,300 --> 00:00:04,000
Hot in Cleveland is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,400
Hello my lovelies.
3
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:08,600
Oh, you are looking happy these days.
4
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,020
It's Mitch. We're supposed
to be working upstairs,
5
00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:12,924
but I just can't keep my hands off him.
6
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,900
He must look so tiny in those hands.
7
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,100
Now, he's a bit shy about it.
8
00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:23,200
So I promised him I wouldn't
tell you we were having sex.
9
00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:25,600
The story is we were taking a nap.
10
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:27,900
Oh boy, I gotta tell you.
11
00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:31,000
There is nothing better
than hitting the old sack.
12
00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:34,502
She has a name.
13
00:00:38,256 --> 00:00:39,373
Well, we better get to work.
14
00:00:39,424 --> 00:00:41,375
We have to catch
a cheating husband in the act.
15
00:00:41,377 --> 00:00:43,878
Mm-hmm, I'm the honey trap.
16
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,429
Guess that sounds a bit seedy.
17
00:00:45,464 --> 00:00:47,181
No, it sounds so exciting.
18
00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:49,383
It's like you guys are
the real-life Hart to Hart
19
00:00:49,434 --> 00:00:50,718
or Remington Steele
20
00:00:50,769 --> 00:00:51,719
or Moonlighting.
21
00:00:51,770 --> 00:00:52,970
I just love all those shows.
22
00:00:53,021 --> 00:00:54,855
Well, I don't exactly love watching Joy
23
00:00:54,890 --> 00:00:56,190
seduce another man.
24
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:57,274
Well, it's uncomfortable for me too,
25
00:00:57,309 --> 00:00:58,559
knowing you're watching.
26
00:00:58,610 --> 00:01:00,144
[Gasps] I can do it.
27
00:01:00,195 --> 00:01:01,562
I could be the honey trap.
28
00:01:01,564 --> 00:01:03,064
Well, the thought of you demeaning yourself
29
00:01:03,115 --> 00:01:05,733
instead of Joy is appealing to me.
30
00:01:05,784 --> 00:01:08,653
I wouldn't care what happened to you.
31
00:01:08,704 --> 00:01:10,905
Oh, Mitch. [Laughs]
32
00:01:10,907 --> 00:01:12,073
Meet us at the bar at 8:00.
33
00:01:12,075 --> 00:01:13,240
Wear something demeaning.
34
00:01:13,242 --> 00:01:15,459
Okay, you got it.
35
00:01:15,494 --> 00:01:16,994
I have the most puzzling note
36
00:01:17,045 --> 00:01:18,829
on my calendar today.
37
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,464
"Tony arrives."
38
00:01:20,499 --> 00:01:23,751
Was I in a Broadway smash
and I'm blanking it out?
39
00:01:23,802 --> 00:01:25,336
Tony's your son.
40
00:01:25,387 --> 00:01:26,587
The one you always forget.
41
00:01:26,638 --> 00:01:27,838
Oh, of course.
42
00:01:27,889 --> 00:01:30,891
Oh, dear, wonderful Tony. [Laughs]
43
00:01:30,926 --> 00:01:32,760
Oh, you know, I don't mean to forget him.
44
00:01:32,811 --> 00:01:34,562
It's just that, well, he chose to live
45
00:01:34,596 --> 00:01:36,230
with his father after the divorce,
46
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,899
and it's been hard keeping in touch.
47
00:01:38,934 --> 00:01:42,603
He's such an artistic,
exuberant, fashion-forward boy.
48
00:01:42,605 --> 00:01:45,489
You can say, "gay."
49
00:01:45,524 --> 00:01:49,276
Elka, that is total
midwestern stereotyping.
50
00:01:49,278 --> 00:01:51,612
But yeah, he's gay. [Laughs]
51
00:01:51,614 --> 00:01:52,663
Gayer than the Tonys,
52
00:01:52,698 --> 00:01:55,449
which I guess I didn't win.
53
00:01:55,451 --> 00:01:56,867
Wish I had a gay son.
54
00:01:56,918 --> 00:01:59,336
Straight sons will always
leave you for a younger woman.
55
00:01:59,371 --> 00:02:01,122
Yeah, it is fabulous.
56
00:02:01,173 --> 00:02:02,840
Oh, that boy could tie an Hermes scarf
57
00:02:02,874 --> 00:02:05,092
before he could walk.
58
00:02:05,127 --> 00:02:07,128
[Doorbell rings]
59
00:02:09,264 --> 00:02:10,297
[Gasps] Oh, my God!
60
00:02:10,348 --> 00:02:12,299
It's my gorgeous Tony.
61
00:02:14,803 --> 00:02:16,854
Oh, my God, it's my gorgeous sister.
62
00:02:16,888 --> 00:02:18,022
[Laughs] Saying the word "mother"
63
00:02:18,056 --> 00:02:20,391
always cost us a dollar at our house.
64
00:02:20,442 --> 00:02:21,442
You remember Melanie.
65
00:02:21,476 --> 00:02:22,643
- Melanie...
- Hi, sweetie.
66
00:02:22,694 --> 00:02:24,028
As beautiful as ever.
67
00:02:24,062 --> 00:02:25,062
This is Elka.
68
00:02:25,113 --> 00:02:26,197
It can't be.
69
00:02:26,231 --> 00:02:28,315
You said you were living
with an older woman.
70
00:02:28,317 --> 00:02:31,736
Who's this breath of spring?
71
00:02:31,787 --> 00:02:35,039
[Laughs] I want one.
72
00:02:36,658 --> 00:02:37,658
Oh, mom, I hope you don't mind,
73
00:02:37,709 --> 00:02:38,909
but I brought someone with me.
74
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,795
I'm Justin, Tony's partner.
75
00:02:40,829 --> 00:02:42,997
Oh, well, nice to meet you, Tony's partner.
76
00:02:42,999 --> 00:02:45,049
How long have you two been together?
77
00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:46,967
About six months now. Right, dude?
78
00:02:47,002 --> 00:02:48,502
Right.
79
00:02:48,553 --> 00:02:49,804
Where can I put our stuff?
80
00:02:49,838 --> 00:02:52,306
The guest room is just down the hall.
81
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:56,010
Let's celebrate. I'll get champagne.
82
00:02:56,061 --> 00:02:59,230
Oh, Tony, Victoria's just so proud of you.
83
00:02:59,264 --> 00:03:00,648
We were just saying we're jealous
84
00:03:00,682 --> 00:03:02,266
that we don't have gay sons.
85
00:03:02,317 --> 00:03:03,400
Yeah, there's just one problem.
86
00:03:03,435 --> 00:03:04,485
What?
87
00:03:04,519 --> 00:03:06,854
I'm not gay.
88
00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:19,067
- Synced and corrected by oykubuyuk -
- www.addic7ed.com
89
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,080
Tony, what do you mean you're not gay?
90
00:03:21,380 --> 00:03:22,462
Look, when I was little,
91
00:03:22,513 --> 00:03:24,214
my mom just assumed that I was gay.
92
00:03:24,216 --> 00:03:26,049
And I knew it would kill her
if I told her the truth.
93
00:03:26,051 --> 00:03:27,551
It was easy to pretend
because I've always been
94
00:03:27,553 --> 00:03:29,469
interested in fashion and theater.
95
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:30,554
You know, I know how to dress,
96
00:03:30,556 --> 00:03:32,356
how to pick out a good bottle of wine.
97
00:03:32,390 --> 00:03:36,143
What can I say? I'm Fraser straight.
98
00:03:36,194 --> 00:03:40,897
Maybe more like Niles Straight.
99
00:03:40,948 --> 00:03:42,115
Tony?
100
00:03:42,150 --> 00:03:44,534
The only cheese I could find is Gruyere.
101
00:03:44,569 --> 00:03:46,119
Well, Gruyere is an assertive cheese
102
00:03:46,154 --> 00:03:47,654
with a mischievous, bloomy rind.
103
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:48,872
Just drizzle some honey,
104
00:03:48,906 --> 00:03:50,907
add a soupcon of crushed walnuts,
105
00:03:50,909 --> 00:03:52,626
and as sure as there's a "z" in Liza,
106
00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:57,080
your bouche will be amused.
107
00:03:57,082 --> 00:03:59,082
It's exhausting.
108
00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:03,970
Honey, I don't understand.
109
00:04:04,005 --> 00:04:05,756
What about Justin, your partner?
110
00:04:05,807 --> 00:04:07,307
He's my business partner.
111
00:04:07,342 --> 00:04:08,809
We're software engineers.
112
00:04:08,843 --> 00:04:10,477
We came to Cleveland to persuade my mom
113
00:04:10,511 --> 00:04:12,929
to invest in a new app we're developing.
114
00:04:12,931 --> 00:04:15,482
Oh, well, does anyone else
know you're not gay?
115
00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:16,483
Everyone knows.
116
00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:19,986
I just have to come out to my mom.
117
00:04:23,107 --> 00:04:26,693
Maybe that might be "come in."
118
00:04:28,946 --> 00:04:31,832
In, out... Either way,
she's gonna be devastated.
119
00:04:31,866 --> 00:04:33,500
Will you keep my secret
until I can find the right time
120
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:34,785
to break it to her?
121
00:04:34,787 --> 00:04:36,620
Yeah. Ooh, can I tell Joy?
122
00:04:36,671 --> 00:04:38,705
Does aunt Joy still
get talky when she drinks?
123
00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:42,793
Do the Indians always collapse in July?
124
00:04:42,844 --> 00:04:45,462
They're in a tough division.
125
00:04:45,513 --> 00:04:48,965
Hot damn! You are straight.
126
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:55,305
Tony, I think you should tell your mother
127
00:04:55,307 --> 00:04:56,773
the truth as soon as possible.
128
00:04:56,808 --> 00:04:59,309
It's always best to stop
pretending and be honest.
129
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,560
Now, if you'll excuse me,
130
00:05:00,611 --> 00:05:02,062
I got to go trick a man into liking me
131
00:05:02,113 --> 00:05:06,149
and break up his marriage.
132
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,151
Uh, bro? There's only one bed
133
00:05:08,202 --> 00:05:09,319
in the guest room.
134
00:05:09,321 --> 00:05:11,872
Yeah, Justin, I forgot tell you something.
135
00:05:11,906 --> 00:05:13,790
Uh, my mom is a little confused,
136
00:05:13,825 --> 00:05:14,825
and the truth might upset her.
137
00:05:14,876 --> 00:05:15,992
Would you mind just playing along
138
00:05:15,994 --> 00:05:17,327
until I get a chance to clear it up?
139
00:05:17,378 --> 00:05:19,079
Look, dude, I'm down with whatever it takes
140
00:05:19,130 --> 00:05:21,164
to get your mom to invest in our company.
141
00:05:21,215 --> 00:05:22,332
What do I have to do?
142
00:05:22,334 --> 00:05:25,335
All right, I want to hear everything.
143
00:05:25,337 --> 00:05:27,471
Now how long have you two been lovers?
144
00:05:27,505 --> 00:05:29,172
Is that the correct term for what you are?
145
00:05:29,223 --> 00:05:33,143
I want to be gay accurate.
146
00:05:33,177 --> 00:05:35,812
Lovers is good.
147
00:05:35,847 --> 00:05:40,567
Oh, yeah, I couldn't be gayer for dudes.
148
00:05:46,491 --> 00:05:48,074
Mitch, stop.
149
00:05:48,109 --> 00:05:49,826
We need to work.
150
00:05:55,666 --> 00:05:57,250
Okay, I'm here.
151
00:05:57,285 --> 00:05:59,619
Ooh.
152
00:05:59,670 --> 00:06:01,872
Good, we can see you on our feed.
153
00:06:01,874 --> 00:06:03,790
Oh, my God, he just walked in.
154
00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:08,261
Somebody is about to get honey-trapped.
155
00:06:08,296 --> 00:06:10,881
Beer, please.
156
00:06:10,932 --> 00:06:11,932
Hi.
157
00:06:11,966 --> 00:06:14,634
Well, hello, beautiful.
158
00:06:14,685 --> 00:06:15,969
Those are some killer shoes.
159
00:06:16,020 --> 00:06:17,471
I know, aren't they fabulous?
160
00:06:17,522 --> 00:06:18,722
I got 'em at Macy's.
161
00:06:18,724 --> 00:06:20,724
They have all the best brands.
162
00:06:20,726 --> 00:06:21,808
This other woman wanted them,
163
00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,560
but here's the interesting part...
164
00:06:23,562 --> 00:06:28,148
Melanie, focus.
165
00:06:28,199 --> 00:06:30,116
But I thank you, sir.
166
00:06:30,151 --> 00:06:31,735
Notice something about him.
167
00:06:31,786 --> 00:06:35,121
So, I, um, I see by that tan line
168
00:06:35,156 --> 00:06:38,492
you recently had a ring on that finger.
169
00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:39,743
Busted.
170
00:06:39,745 --> 00:06:41,745
Yeah, I'm married.
171
00:06:41,796 --> 00:06:42,879
Is that a problem for you?
172
00:06:42,914 --> 00:06:44,464
No, no, I love cheaters.
173
00:06:44,499 --> 00:06:45,832
My ex-husband was a cheater.
174
00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:48,586
That bastard.
175
00:06:48,681 --> 00:06:49,581
I mean that, uh...
176
00:06:49,588 --> 00:06:51,004
You know?
177
00:06:51,055 --> 00:06:53,557
Amazing, sexy bastard.
178
00:06:53,591 --> 00:06:56,726
You're kind of a weird chick, aren't you?
179
00:06:56,761 --> 00:06:58,562
I like that.
180
00:06:58,596 --> 00:07:00,730
Well, I like you, too.
181
00:07:00,765 --> 00:07:02,649
Nothing more exciting is there?
182
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,568
That new attraction?
183
00:07:04,602 --> 00:07:06,353
When all you can think about is kissing
184
00:07:06,404 --> 00:07:08,188
the other person.
185
00:07:11,158 --> 00:07:14,194
I bet you felt that way
about your wife once, too.
186
00:07:14,245 --> 00:07:17,330
She's terrible.
187
00:07:17,365 --> 00:07:19,699
Yeah, I guess in...
You know in the beginning.
188
00:07:19,750 --> 00:07:23,036
Did you ever try couples counseling?
189
00:07:23,087 --> 00:07:24,421
Yeah, yeah.
190
00:07:24,455 --> 00:07:26,289
And all they said was we
should've come in sooner.
191
00:07:26,340 --> 00:07:27,624
Said couples would be a lot happier
192
00:07:27,626 --> 00:07:28,758
if they learned how to deal
with their problems
193
00:07:28,793 --> 00:07:30,293
before they even came up.
194
00:07:30,295 --> 00:07:32,596
Melanie, be sexier.
195
00:07:35,349 --> 00:07:39,719
So, a good-looking guy like you...
196
00:07:39,770 --> 00:07:43,607
You must have kids.
197
00:07:43,641 --> 00:07:45,308
Two. Six and nine.
198
00:07:45,310 --> 00:07:47,527
[Gasps] Ooh...
199
00:07:47,562 --> 00:07:49,896
I bet it's really close to their...
200
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:53,400
Bedtime.
201
00:07:53,451 --> 00:07:55,569
Yeah, I guess it is.
202
00:07:55,620 --> 00:08:00,123
I bet you just love tucking them in,
203
00:08:00,157 --> 00:08:02,709
reading to them.
204
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:06,997
They grow up so fast.
205
00:08:07,048 --> 00:08:09,382
They do.
206
00:08:09,417 --> 00:08:11,167
I'm gonna go home and see them.
207
00:08:11,218 --> 00:08:15,505
Nice talking to you.
208
00:08:15,507 --> 00:08:18,341
I think that went pretty well.
209
00:08:22,346 --> 00:08:26,066
So, it's kind of interesting
what the cheater said.
210
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,018
Do you think we should see a therapist now
211
00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:29,402
before trouble starts?
212
00:08:29,437 --> 00:08:30,770
Maybe.
213
00:08:30,821 --> 00:08:32,572
You know, when I was having
problems with my ex-wife
214
00:08:32,607 --> 00:08:34,858
I gained 100 pounds in like six months.
215
00:08:34,909 --> 00:08:35,992
Oh, my God.
216
00:08:36,027 --> 00:08:39,579
I'll make the appointment.
217
00:08:39,614 --> 00:08:42,532
Can you believe how bad Melanie was?
218
00:08:42,534 --> 00:08:44,334
She's just not sexy, honey-trap material.
219
00:08:44,368 --> 00:08:45,702
It's a little embarrassing to remember
220
00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:47,587
how smitten I was with her.
221
00:08:47,622 --> 00:08:48,672
You turned the microphone off, right?
222
00:08:48,706 --> 00:08:49,673
No.
223
00:08:49,707 --> 00:08:54,544
No, he did not.
224
00:08:54,546 --> 00:08:55,845
Oh, mom.
225
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:57,847
Uh, I... I have something
I need to tell you.
226
00:08:57,882 --> 00:08:59,349
It's kind of big and it... It might come off
227
00:08:59,383 --> 00:09:00,684
as a bit of a shock.
228
00:09:00,718 --> 00:09:02,268
Oh, God, please don't tell me
229
00:09:02,303 --> 00:09:05,639
I can't pull off
sleeveless dresses anymore.
230
00:09:05,690 --> 00:09:06,890
[Laughs] Oh, no, honey.
231
00:09:06,892 --> 00:09:09,976
You got arms like an Egyptian priestess.
232
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:12,228
No, um, it... It's about me.
233
00:09:12,279 --> 00:09:14,114
You and Justin?
234
00:09:14,148 --> 00:09:15,231
Uh, yes.
235
00:09:15,282 --> 00:09:16,366
Oh, he is very handsome.
236
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,651
Uh-uh, yes, he is.
237
00:09:17,702 --> 00:09:18,902
You know, I was a little
surprised to see you
238
00:09:18,953 --> 00:09:21,237
with a redhead, but in any event,
239
00:09:21,288 --> 00:09:24,908
you'll have beautiful Vietnamese children.
240
00:09:24,910 --> 00:09:26,292
Oh, mom.
241
00:09:26,327 --> 00:09:28,078
I think you're getting
a little ahead of yourself.
242
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,547
- [Laughs]
- Oh, you're right.
243
00:09:30,581 --> 00:09:32,215
I mean, you're not even married yet.
244
00:09:32,249 --> 00:09:34,250
Please tell me you're gonna get married.
245
00:09:34,301 --> 00:09:36,169
You know, we've been apart for so long,
246
00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:39,255
and I haven't been able
to do anything for you,
247
00:09:39,257 --> 00:09:41,675
but if I could throw you a big wedding, oh,
248
00:09:41,726 --> 00:09:44,678
nothing would make me happier.
249
00:09:44,729 --> 00:09:46,730
Is that what you were gonna say?
250
00:09:46,764 --> 00:09:48,565
Say, "yes."
251
00:09:51,819 --> 00:09:53,820
I have a major announcement to make.
252
00:09:53,854 --> 00:09:56,523
My son is getting married.
253
00:09:56,574 --> 00:09:57,941
Dude, congratulations.
254
00:09:57,943 --> 00:10:00,944
To who?
255
00:10:00,995 --> 00:10:03,246
To you, silly.
256
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:04,531
Oh.
257
00:10:04,582 --> 00:10:06,783
He's so forgetful, he forgot he proposed.
258
00:10:06,834 --> 00:10:09,619
I did. But now I remember.
259
00:10:09,670 --> 00:10:12,589
It's all happening so fast.
260
00:10:12,623 --> 00:10:15,709
I haven't quite processed it yet.
261
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,010
For a wedding gift,
262
00:10:17,044 --> 00:10:19,796
I am going to buy you matching Porsches.
263
00:10:19,847 --> 00:10:23,349
Mom!
264
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:31,705
It's great that you decided
to seek guidance early.
265
00:10:32,105 --> 00:10:33,388
Well, we've both seen our fair share
266
00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:34,690
of bad relationships
267
00:10:34,724 --> 00:10:36,141
yes, and we're both detectives,
268
00:10:36,192 --> 00:10:39,311
so we have a tendency towards suspicion,
269
00:10:39,362 --> 00:10:41,229
even though the two of us are soul mates.
270
00:10:41,231 --> 00:10:43,565
Uh-oh.
271
00:10:43,616 --> 00:10:46,201
When you say, "soul mates,"
that's a red flag.
272
00:10:46,235 --> 00:10:48,153
After all, relationships
aren't fairy tales.
273
00:10:48,204 --> 00:10:50,572
But I rather like fairy tales.
274
00:10:50,623 --> 00:10:53,742
Fairy tales are for children.
275
00:10:53,744 --> 00:10:57,462
Now, tell me what you know
about each other.
276
00:10:57,497 --> 00:10:58,497
Lots of things.
277
00:10:58,548 --> 00:11:02,134
We both like wine and sex and...
278
00:11:02,168 --> 00:11:04,836
and when we combine the
two, it's fantastic.
279
00:11:04,887 --> 00:11:06,471
[Both laugh]
280
00:11:06,506 --> 00:11:08,390
But what about deeper issues?
281
00:11:08,424 --> 00:11:09,975
Well, to be honest,
282
00:11:10,009 --> 00:11:11,727
if I need to know anything deeper,
283
00:11:11,761 --> 00:11:12,978
I'll just wait till he falls asleep
284
00:11:13,012 --> 00:11:15,013
and snoop through his computer.
285
00:11:15,064 --> 00:11:16,098
- You do that, too?
- Yes.
286
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,265
Aw.
287
00:11:17,317 --> 00:11:20,018
Ah, see? Soul mates.
288
00:11:20,069 --> 00:11:21,520
How do you two handle conflict?
289
00:11:21,571 --> 00:11:22,604
Oh, we never fight.
290
00:11:22,606 --> 00:11:23,855
And we never will.
291
00:11:23,906 --> 00:11:25,691
Okay, but lack of conflict
292
00:11:25,742 --> 00:11:28,360
is one of the biggest red flags of all.
293
00:11:28,411 --> 00:11:29,911
Here's a compatibility quiz.
294
00:11:29,946 --> 00:11:31,613
It's designed to determine if you two
295
00:11:31,664 --> 00:11:34,616
are emotionally suited for the long run.
296
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:35,951
Sounds fun.
297
00:11:35,953 --> 00:11:37,786
Sounds like homework.
298
00:11:37,837 --> 00:11:39,621
Wonderful. A little conflict.
299
00:11:39,672 --> 00:11:41,757
We're off to a great start.
300
00:11:46,963 --> 00:11:49,131
You're safe. Victoria's not here.
301
00:11:49,182 --> 00:11:50,465
Oh, thank God.
302
00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,467
She is driving me crazy
with all these wedding plans.
303
00:11:52,518 --> 00:11:56,188
You saw the matching sailor outfits?
304
00:11:56,222 --> 00:11:57,389
What?
305
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,359
Oh, nothing.
306
00:12:00,393 --> 00:12:02,144
[Sighs]
307
00:12:02,146 --> 00:12:04,396
I just can't keep pretending to be gay.
308
00:12:04,447 --> 00:12:07,532
Back in my day, all men were straight.
309
00:12:07,567 --> 00:12:11,236
Even the men who slept with other men.
310
00:12:11,287 --> 00:12:12,621
Do you think I should tell her?
311
00:12:12,655 --> 00:12:14,156
You're here, you're not queer,
312
00:12:14,158 --> 00:12:18,577
she'll get used to it.
313
00:12:18,628 --> 00:12:20,328
Okay, I'll tell her.
314
00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:22,330
Oh, there you are, darling.
315
00:12:22,382 --> 00:12:25,634
Look what I found for
the top of your wedding cake.
316
00:12:25,668 --> 00:12:28,303
[Laughs] Ah.
317
00:12:28,337 --> 00:12:29,805
It's you and Justin.
318
00:12:29,839 --> 00:12:31,339
And if you press that button,
319
00:12:31,341 --> 00:12:33,725
it plays the theme song from Will & Grace.
320
00:12:36,312 --> 00:12:38,346
Planning this wedding
has made me feel closer
321
00:12:38,398 --> 00:12:41,600
to you than ever.
322
00:12:43,736 --> 00:12:48,523
Oh, God, I can't tell her.
323
00:12:48,574 --> 00:12:50,742
I was hoping we'd run
into each other again.
324
00:12:50,777 --> 00:12:52,027
Me, too.
325
00:12:52,078 --> 00:12:55,363
But could we not talk
about my kids this time?
326
00:12:55,415 --> 00:12:56,531
How about you buy me a drink
327
00:12:56,582 --> 00:12:57,999
and we'll just talk about us?
328
00:12:58,034 --> 00:13:01,203
Good, she's following our script.
329
00:13:01,205 --> 00:13:02,704
Well, we've got some time.
330
00:13:02,755 --> 00:13:06,508
Let's go over our compatibility quiz.
331
00:13:06,542 --> 00:13:12,214
I got "a, c, d, b, b, d, a, c, d."
332
00:13:12,265 --> 00:13:15,434
So what's our compatibility score?
333
00:13:15,468 --> 00:13:17,719
Zero.
334
00:13:17,770 --> 00:13:19,721
Zero?
335
00:13:19,772 --> 00:13:21,223
Well, I'm not worried.
336
00:13:21,274 --> 00:13:24,776
I still feel good about our relationship.
337
00:13:27,063 --> 00:13:28,196
Me, too.
338
00:13:28,231 --> 00:13:30,649
I'm not worried either.
339
00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:33,819
Good.
340
00:13:33,870 --> 00:13:37,038
Do you realize you just
ate an entire doughnut?
341
00:13:37,073 --> 00:13:40,208
I don't think so.
342
00:13:40,243 --> 00:13:43,078
So, maybe we should check in on Melanie.
343
00:13:43,129 --> 00:13:46,047
The seduction should be
well underway by now.
344
00:13:46,082 --> 00:13:49,417
So, tell me what you're gonna do.
345
00:13:49,419 --> 00:13:51,052
I'm gonna go home,
346
00:13:51,087 --> 00:13:52,137
tell my wife I love her,
347
00:13:52,171 --> 00:13:53,505
and work on our relationship.
348
00:13:53,556 --> 00:13:57,175
You do that, big boy.
349
00:14:04,433 --> 00:14:05,567
What do you mean you don't want me to work
350
00:14:05,601 --> 00:14:07,235
on cases anymore?
351
00:14:07,270 --> 00:14:08,854
Why?
352
00:14:08,905 --> 00:14:11,940
Because you are the worst honey trap ever.
353
00:14:11,942 --> 00:14:13,742
Elka could do a better job.
354
00:14:13,776 --> 00:14:17,946
You couldn't afford me.
355
00:14:17,948 --> 00:14:19,698
Well, the good news is now you can help me
356
00:14:19,749 --> 00:14:21,416
plan Tony's wedding.
357
00:14:21,450 --> 00:14:24,252
Yeah, Victoria, about the wedding.
358
00:14:24,287 --> 00:14:27,339
If Tony weren't gay,
you would still love him, right?
359
00:14:27,373 --> 00:14:28,623
But he is gay.
360
00:14:28,625 --> 00:14:30,675
Imagine he wasn't.
361
00:14:30,710 --> 00:14:32,961
I will do no such thing. It...
362
00:14:33,012 --> 00:14:35,130
well, I had no idea you had
a problem with this.
363
00:14:35,181 --> 00:14:36,548
No, it... That's not a problem.
364
00:14:36,599 --> 00:14:38,800
I just... I don't think
this wedding is right.
365
00:14:38,802 --> 00:14:40,385
Wow.
366
00:14:40,436 --> 00:14:43,471
Much has been learned
about Melanie this week.
367
00:14:43,523 --> 00:14:44,806
She can't seduce strangers,
368
00:14:44,808 --> 00:14:48,109
and she's more than a little homophobic.
369
00:14:48,144 --> 00:14:49,811
Well, I don't think anyone's going to need
370
00:14:49,862 --> 00:14:53,064
to be planning my wedding anytime soon.
371
00:14:53,115 --> 00:14:54,900
Mitch and I got a big, fat zero
372
00:14:54,951 --> 00:14:56,952
on our compatibility test.
373
00:14:56,986 --> 00:15:00,822
Don't you mean a big, flat zero?
374
00:15:04,293 --> 00:15:07,045
Now I'm afraid he's
doubting our relationship.
375
00:15:07,079 --> 00:15:09,581
But I don't know how to
get him to admit it.
376
00:15:09,632 --> 00:15:11,166
Well, you have to find out the truth.
377
00:15:11,168 --> 00:15:12,634
You're right.
378
00:15:12,668 --> 00:15:18,173
Somehow, someway,
I have to find out the truth.
379
00:15:18,175 --> 00:15:19,257
Mitch?
380
00:15:19,308 --> 00:15:20,342
I want to ask you something,
381
00:15:20,393 --> 00:15:22,978
and I need you to be honest with me.
382
00:15:23,012 --> 00:15:24,679
Are you doubting our relationship?
383
00:15:24,730 --> 00:15:26,181
Honestly?
384
00:15:26,232 --> 00:15:28,516
I am sort of doubting it.
385
00:15:28,518 --> 00:15:30,068
I'm also doubting that
I can keep from staring
386
00:15:30,102 --> 00:15:32,904
at that woman's breasts over there.
387
00:15:32,939 --> 00:15:34,272
Why did I just tell you that?
388
00:15:34,323 --> 00:15:39,194
Because I put truth serum in your coffee.
389
00:15:39,245 --> 00:15:41,496
Wait, why did I just tell you that?
390
00:15:41,530 --> 00:15:45,500
Because I put truth serum in your coffee.
391
00:15:45,534 --> 00:15:48,536
You drugged each other?
392
00:15:48,538 --> 00:15:50,038
Yes, but with good reason.
393
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,540
We didn't trust each other
enough to tell the truth.
394
00:15:52,542 --> 00:15:57,012
It was just a little sodium pentothal.
395
00:15:57,046 --> 00:16:00,765
Surely other couples with zeros
on their compatibility tests
396
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,885
went on to have long and
happy relationships, right?
397
00:16:03,936 --> 00:16:07,222
Yes, but not with each other.
398
00:16:07,273 --> 00:16:10,692
Based on your quiz results,
you should be asking yourself,
399
00:16:10,726 --> 00:16:13,728
should you really be together?
400
00:16:13,779 --> 00:16:14,946
I'm not sure.
401
00:16:14,981 --> 00:16:15,981
Me either.
402
00:16:16,032 --> 00:16:17,198
See?
403
00:16:17,233 --> 00:16:19,701
It's good you guys came to me early.
404
00:16:23,231 --> 00:16:25,749
So who wants to be the first
to toast the happy couple?
405
00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:28,035
[Laughs] Melanie?
406
00:16:28,037 --> 00:16:29,086
I'm sorry, Victoria, I just...
407
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,671
I don't feel comfortable doing that.
408
00:16:30,705 --> 00:16:31,705
Oh, that's right.
409
00:16:31,707 --> 00:16:34,425
You're a raging homophobe.
410
00:16:34,459 --> 00:16:36,460
Elka, how about you?
411
00:16:36,511 --> 00:16:39,096
Oh, Tony knows how I feel.
412
00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:43,467
Well, once again, I have to save the day.
413
00:16:43,518 --> 00:16:47,888
Tony, Justin, I am so proud and happy.
414
00:16:47,939 --> 00:16:49,940
I just want to share this with the world.
415
00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:53,227
Friends, fans, fellow diners,
416
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:57,948
I have an announcement so
major I am fairly bursting.
417
00:16:57,983 --> 00:17:00,734
My gay son Tony is getting married.
418
00:17:00,785 --> 00:17:02,403
Now I know that that may come as a shock
419
00:17:02,454 --> 00:17:03,537
to some of you here
420
00:17:03,571 --> 00:17:05,739
in the backward province of Cleveland.
421
00:17:05,741 --> 00:17:10,377
No, it doesn't. We're fine with it.
422
00:17:10,412 --> 00:17:13,414
Well, look at me,
changing hearts and minds.
423
00:17:13,416 --> 00:17:16,133
- Champagne for everyone.
- [Glasses clinking]
424
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:18,836
- Oh, they want you to kiss.
- [Nervous laugh]
425
00:17:18,887 --> 00:17:20,421
Two seconds, no tongue.
426
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:22,473
I want my Porsche.
427
00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:29,480
Mom, I'm sorry!
428
00:17:29,514 --> 00:17:30,931
I can't go through with this wedding.
429
00:17:30,982 --> 00:17:31,982
Why not? What did I do?
430
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,101
I can change.
431
00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:40,941
So, uh...
432
00:17:40,943 --> 00:17:45,195
When did you realize you were straight?
433
00:17:45,246 --> 00:17:47,781
Hm, I guess a part of me always knew.
434
00:17:47,832 --> 00:17:50,617
Maybe a part of me always knew too.
435
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:55,339
Wow... I have a non-gay son.
436
00:17:55,373 --> 00:17:56,924
I guess I'm just going
to have to get used to telling
437
00:17:56,958 --> 00:17:59,793
people that my son likes...
438
00:17:59,844 --> 00:18:02,763
Women.
439
00:18:02,797 --> 00:18:05,265
Well, not women. A woman.
440
00:18:05,300 --> 00:18:06,550
I have this gorgeous girlfriend and...
441
00:18:06,601 --> 00:18:10,054
All right, no details, I'm not there yet.
442
00:18:10,105 --> 00:18:11,972
I know it's a lot to process.
443
00:18:12,023 --> 00:18:13,474
Yeah.
444
00:18:13,476 --> 00:18:15,142
Well, now that we're being totally honest
445
00:18:15,144 --> 00:18:17,811
with each other, um...
446
00:18:17,862 --> 00:18:20,531
Did you choose to live with
your father because you thought
447
00:18:20,565 --> 00:18:22,483
I couldn't accept your being straight?
448
00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:25,786
No, I chose dad because he needed me more.
449
00:18:25,788 --> 00:18:27,154
And even though it's probably
not healthy for a kid
450
00:18:27,205 --> 00:18:29,707
to take care of his parent,
that's what I did.
451
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:31,125
You were stronger.
452
00:18:31,159 --> 00:18:33,627
Oh, my sweet boy.
453
00:18:33,661 --> 00:18:35,662
Well, why didn't you keep in touch?
454
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:37,915
'Cause I knew if I did,
I'd want to leave dad
455
00:18:37,966 --> 00:18:39,500
and come live with you.
456
00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:41,051
I was avoiding the hurt.
457
00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:43,087
Sometimes I would pretend
you didn't even exist.
458
00:18:43,138 --> 00:18:46,974
Oh, I did the same thing.
459
00:18:47,008 --> 00:18:48,675
- Really?
- Yeah.
460
00:18:48,677 --> 00:18:49,843
Ah, so we're equally horrible.
461
00:18:49,894 --> 00:18:52,062
Yeah, we are.
462
00:18:52,097 --> 00:18:53,514
Oh, I love you, sweetie.
463
00:18:53,565 --> 00:18:55,015
I love you too, mom.
464
00:18:55,066 --> 00:18:58,018
That'll cost you a dollar.
465
00:19:05,865 --> 00:19:07,899
[Both scream]
466
00:19:07,950 --> 00:19:08,934
- Mitch?
- Joy?
467
00:19:08,965 --> 00:19:10,132
What are you doing here?
468
00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:11,216
I don't trust this doctor.
469
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:13,001
I'm here to dig up some dirt on him.
470
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:14,970
- Me, too.
- You see?
471
00:19:15,004 --> 00:19:16,171
It's our mutual distrust of people
472
00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:18,006
that always made me think
we were compatible.
473
00:19:18,008 --> 00:19:19,841
Me, too.
474
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:22,060
Shall we?
475
00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:29,518
Oh, my God.
476
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,570
That compatibility test he gave us?
477
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,355
Got it off Buzzfeed.
478
00:19:33,357 --> 00:19:35,190
This is no different than those silly
479
00:19:35,192 --> 00:19:38,026
"what Disney character are you?" quizzes.
480
00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:39,444
I love those. Who did you get?
481
00:19:39,495 --> 00:19:40,862
Jasmine.
482
00:19:40,864 --> 00:19:43,832
Aladdin.
483
00:19:43,866 --> 00:19:45,000
Do you know what this means?
484
00:19:45,034 --> 00:19:46,168
Yes.
485
00:19:46,202 --> 00:19:48,203
We're a match, and he's a fraud.
486
00:19:48,205 --> 00:19:51,673
Oh, Mitch, I don't care about reality.
487
00:19:51,708 --> 00:19:53,625
I want our fairy tale relationship.
488
00:19:53,676 --> 00:19:58,714
I do, too.
489
00:19:58,716 --> 00:20:00,716
What's going on in here?
490
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:03,351
What would you say if we said we broke in
491
00:20:03,386 --> 00:20:05,887
and found out what a fraud you are?
492
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:08,557
I'd say I was calling the police.
493
00:20:08,559 --> 00:20:10,392
Huh.
494
00:20:10,394 --> 00:20:12,027
Well, what would you say
if we said that we're gonna tell
495
00:20:12,061 --> 00:20:15,113
all your other patients
where you get your quizzes?
496
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:16,732
I'd say...
497
00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:20,736
Lock up when you're finished.
498
00:20:20,738 --> 00:20:23,905
You two deserve each other.
499
00:20:26,242 --> 00:20:28,577
Both: We do.
500
00:20:28,627 --> 00:20:33,177
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
34684
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof