All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s06e07 Kommandant Schultz.eng

( theme song playing )

♪ ♪

LeBEAU:
Close up the ranks.

We've got work to do.

Close up the ranks.

Come on,
let's close up the ranks.

Come, let's close
up the ranks.

Guten Tag.

( horse neighing )

Guten Tag,
Mein Herr.

What are you doing here?

SCHULTZ:
We are baking a cake.

What do you think
we are doing here?

What are you
doing here?

MAN:
I'm just on my way to the market,

selling the hay.

SCHULTZ:
Oh.

You spend too much money
on war.

If you know how
to conquer the world cheaper,

write to Hitler.

( laughing )

That's telling him,
huh?

( laughing )

That's a good one.

You have
to remember that.

That's a good one.

I enjoyed it.

Colonel Hogan, there's
one more prisoner than before.

Count them again,
Schultz.

But I did already, twice.

There's one man extra.

That's impossible.

You must have
made a mistake

when you counted them
on the way out.

Yeah?

You think so?

Yeah.

Come on, fellas.

But wait a minute,
Colonel Hogan.

It couldn't be.

Sure, it could.

Did you ever hear of anybody
sneaking into a P.O.W. camp?

Doesn't look
so special.

What are they?

A building material
of some kind.

That's my guess.

No, zinc oxide,

with a high percentage
of uranium.

What's uranium?

Sounds like a country
in the Balkans.

It's used
in atomic research.

Ja.

The Germans found
deposits of uranium

in the occupied
countries

and they had tons
of it

made into these blocks
to be hidden away.

Those bloody Krauts.

They're always
keeping busy, aren't they?

MAN:
Now London needs this for analysis,

and they also want
to know

where the Germans
are hiding the stuff.

Do you have
the locations?

22 of them...
here.

And if it's
important enough,

they'll send a plane
to pick you up.

Maybe tonight.
BAKER: Not tonight they won't.

London
just finished transmitting.

There's a big weather front
moving in.

Everything grounded
for at least 48 hours.

Well, Hercules, you
and your little friend here,

may as well make
yourselves comfortable.

" ...and effective
immediately,

"all military
establishments on the home front

"will give senior
noncommissioned officers

"command training

"with full responsibility
and authority."

There it is.

Hmm...
I can't believe this.

This order is insane,
absolutely insane.

It is signed,
"Adolf Hitler."

Insane, yet sane.

Excuse me, General.

What does it mean?

All Luft Stalags
will begin command training at once.

Now, who is your senior
noncommissioned officer?

General Burkhalter,
I don't know how to tell you this.

I can't say it.

You're in a lot of trouble.

Ja, lot of trouble.

Do you expect me
to turn over command

of the most escape-proof
P.O.W. camp

in all of Germany
to him?

It is so ordered by the Fuhrer.

General, perhaps he
didn't feel so well on that day.

Could you ask him
to change his mind?

Schultz will assume command
at once.

Klink, you will act as advisor.

Hmm... how can
I advise a man

who is asleep
on his feet most of the time?

I need a lot of rest.

He even sleeps
on guard duty.

It wouldn't surprise me
if someone came along

and threw a horse
blanket over him.

You'll do it, Schultz.

Excuse me, General,
but I'm only a sergeant.

Who should be
a private...

in somebody else's army.

There is no choice
in this matter.

General Burkhalter,
I request permission

to write
to the Fuhrer directly,

asking him
to rescind this order.

Denied.

I should have that right, sir.

I'm a highly efficient,
well-trained officer.

And I have made
a valuable contribution

to our war effort.

Contribution?

Klink!

Single-handed, you cut
the thousand-year Reich

down to
a mere six months.

In fact, we may not last
until Christmas.

Congratulations there,
Kommandant.

Oh, Colonel Hogan,
I'm afraid.

I don't know how to command.

Oh, there's nothing to it,
Schultz.

You come on strong,
act big.

Bigger than I am?

Well, let's not get
into science fiction.

Look, Schultz...
what are you worried about?

I am not an officer
like Klink.

Go on-- you're
twice the man he is.

Maybe three times.

Suppose the prisoners
disobey my orders?

I'll guarantee
they'll obey.

Schultz, don't you realize
sergeants run every army?

They do?
Of course.

You know all the details
of the military operation.

You have
all the information.

I have?

Now is your chance to use
that special knowledge.

You're right,
Colonel Hogan.

But I'm afraid I can't.

Schultz, remember the children's
story about the train

that came to the big hill
and was afraid?

The train said,
"I think I can,

I think I can,
I think I can."

And when it got
halfway up,

it said, "I know I can,
I know I can I know I can."

Beautiful.

But I'm not a train.

You'll do
until one comes along.

Prisoners, achtung!

Report!

All present and accounted for,
Herr Kommandant.

Carry on...
Herr Kommandant.

Danke,
Herr former Kommandant.

Let's hear it
for bloody old Schultz.

( cheering )

Silence!

The next man who opens his mouth

will get three days
in the cooler.

Any questions?

Commandant Schultz,
I have a question, sir.

Put your arm down.

Forget it.

But you asked
for questions.

I didn't mean it.

You will learn in time.

Now, attention...

Prisoners, I am
your new Kommandant.

In case you have any
idea of escaping,

forget it!

I've ordered

the patrols
outside the gate to be doubled

with orders
to shoot to kill!

Now... attention!

Dismissed!

Dismissed!

Not bad.

How about that?

Our own private Kraut
has turned on us.

It will be a cold day when
I give him any more strudel.

He's a hard case
under all that blubber.

Colonel, he's ordered
patrols out there.

That means we
can't use the tunnels.

What about Hercules?

London's sending a plane
for him tonight.

How do we get him
out of camp?

We don't.

He's right, sir.

We haven't
got a chance.

Wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.

You guys give up
too easily.

Let me figure
something here.

How about...

how about using Schnitzer
and the dog trucks?

That's a good idea.
All right.

It might
just work.

All right, Baker, contact
the underground.

Tell them to get
in touch with Schnitzer.

Will do.

We'll coordinate it
with the courier plane.

There's more than one way
around a Schultz.

No matter which route you take,
it's a long trip.

We'll take you out
through this tunnel here.

You'll surface under
a doghouse, we raise it,

and you're just
a couple feet from the truck.

Don't worry about the dogs,
we feed them, they're tame.

Colonel, thank you
for your help.

Hercules, if you're ever
in this neighborhood again,

forget it.

Carter, he's here, stand by.

Schnitzer's here, stand by.

You don't have to shout it out
at the top of your voice, do ya?

Schnitzer.

Schultz, what's wrong?

Stay in the truck.

My men will
unload the dogs.

Mach schnell.

They're unloading in the middle
of the compound.

It's fouled up!
Schultz has stopped the truck!

It's gone bad, sir.
Schultz has stopped the truck

in the middle of the compound.
They're unloading it.

That tub of lard is going
to put us out of business.

All right, Newkirk,
scrub the escape.

Tell them
to close the trap.

Right away, sir.

Baker, try to make contact
with the plane on the radio. Will do.

Hercules, I'm sorry,
you're going to have

to stay a little
bit longer.

No charge
for the room.

Papa Bear to Cannonball,
Papa Bear to Cannonball.

Condition red.

Package not ready.

Return to base.
Repeat, return to base.

Jawohl, General Burkhalter.
Of course.

Jawohl.

Ja, I checked that.

Ho-ho, of course
I checked it.

Ja.

Achtung!

How's it going,
Schultzy, all right?

It is customary to rise

when a commandant
of a Luft Stalag enters,

and to call the commandant,
Kommandant.

Do us a favor,
it's only us.

Remember me?
I'm your strudel connection.

On your feet!

Put them on report!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Now, do we understand?

Sure, we understand.

You're heating up
the war, Kommandant.

What are you doing here!

Get out of here!

Get out!

He's everywhere at once.

No matter what we do,

we run up against
that big wall of flab.

He's turned into
a flipping Frankenstein, that's what he is.

No, Schultz is taller,
and a lot heavier.

There's only
one consolation:

he'll be back to sergeant
in less than a week.

That's the trouble,
he might not be.

What?

Krauts need officers
on the fighting front.

This could be Hitler's
way of breaking the news.

Schultz?

A commandant
permanently?

A possibility,
unless we do something about it.

Like what?

Discredit him.
Put the pressure on.

Make him look bad.

It's just not possible.

With a little bit
of help, it might be.

Help from who?

Help from
the one man

who has more to
lose than we do,

his miserable life.

Hitler would never
do a thing like that.

No?

Every morning
his horoscope reads,

"Today would be a good day
to send officers

to the Russian front."

I can't believe it.

Just outside Stalingrad,

there's an igloo
with your name on it.

General Burkhalter
would have told me.

Maybe he doesn't know.

They need generals at
the Russian front, too.

I never thought this
would happen to me.

Yeah, that's war.

You might as well
just relax.

There's nothing you
can do about it now.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless there were
a crisis, an escape,

Schultz went
all to pieces.

Aha.

That would prove that Schultz
could not command this camp.

Brilliant, brilliant.

I don't know how you
come up with these ideas.

It's amazing.
Wait a minute.

You just said an escape.

It would mean
pulling the patrols out of the woods, sir.

Does that mean
that you and your men

would be willing to help?

That's why I'm here.

He's pushing us around, too.

( chuckles ):
Hogan, you must think I'm an awful dummy.

Well, let's not get
into that now, sir.

Trying to use me
in this crisis

for your miserable
escape plans.

Suppose I gave you
my word as an officer,

there'll be no escape?

I wonder if you
really mean that.

Maybe you'd like some time
to think it over, sir.

You can always
write to me.

There's still mail service
by way of Minsk.

All right.

Now, we've got to plan
this very carefully.

Yes, yes.

First, pull the patrols
out of the woods.

Me? I couldn't even do that
without Schultz's approval.

Tell him it's by order
of the commandant.

Oh, this is so degrading.

Having to relay orders
of a man like that.

Honestly, I could cry.

I wouldn't
do that, sir.

What good is
a rusty monocle?

LeBEAU:
He's really calling them off, Colonel.

NEWKIRK:
He means business. That's right!

Baker, get London on the radio.

Ask them to send the plane for
Hercules tonight, if possible.

Will do.

Newkirk, LeBeau,

take him out
to the emergency tunnel

and into the pickup point.

Oui, Colonel.

I hope
it works this time.

If it doesn't, we're
in a lot of trouble.

The nice thing about that,
we'd have company.

Report!

Herr Kommandant...

an emergency.

Two prisoners are missing.

What?

Count them again.

I did, three times.

There's no question,
they are gone.

Prisoners Newkirk and LeBeau.

Prisoners!

Achtung!

Prisoners are missing.

Where are they?!

Who is hiding them?!

Two prisoners
missing?

Let's find them,
fellas.

Two prisoners missing.

They've got to be here
somewhere.

Prisoners are missing.
Keep looking.

Lose something?

Two prisoners.

But don't worry,
we will find them.

Mm-hmm.

In the meantime,
I will have to report it

to General Burkhalter...

Herr Kommandant.

There has never been
a successful escape

from Stalag 13,

Herr General.

And I promise you
we will find these men

no matter how long
it takes.

How?

I have no idea.

You don't exactly fill me
with confidence, Schultz.

Me either.

What procedure do you have
in mind?

Well...

( chuckles ):
first I will...

No, I can't do that.

Ah, and then I
will ask him, uh...

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

( laughs )

He won't answer.

Of course,

I could... uh...

That sounds
brilliant.

I like it.

What do you know
about this escape, Hogan?

Yes, what do you know
about this escape, Hogan?

HOGAN:
Absolutely nothing.

We didn't even
discuss it

at our last escape
committee meeting.

We have ways and means
of making you talk.

Unpleasant ways.

You've been
watching

captured American
movies again.

Schultz.

I regret

I must relieve
you of command.

Aha!

You will resume
your duties

as Senior
Sergeant,

and you will
again take over full command.

Jawohl, Herr General.

I will get those men back,
I promise you, and quickly.

I will hold
you to that.

Keep me
informed.

Well...

these prisoners...

( groans )

Shut up.

Close, but no cigar,
Schultz.

And now, Herr Kommandant...

Achtung,
right there.

Come on, Colonel,
take it easy on him.

Silence.

We will now
divest you

of your badges
of rank.

I think he's trying
to tell you something, Schultz.

( grunts )

And now,
the helmet.

There.

That's more like

the Sergeant
Schultz

we all know,
and love.

Kommandant, I was just
following orders

and advice.

Ja.

And now,

you will follow more orders.

Orders of mine.

You will walk a post

for 12 hours a day
until further notice.

And no more leaves
for the next five years.

The war won't last
that long.

We'll extend it if necessary.

I hate to be
responsible

for a longer war.

You are already.

Yes, Herr
Kommandant.

There.

This chair feels good again.

( creaking )

One spring
is broken.

And we know the man capable

of breaking it, don't we?

It will be
on your bill.

In addition
to the following items.

14 of my best cigars,

three bottles of red wine,

four bottles of champagne,

and one-half pound of caviar.

What, were you making
pattycakes with it?

KLINK:
Your total

bill, Herr Kommandant,

is 842 marks and ten fennigs.

I will pay
it back, sir.

If you live that long.

I will try, sir.

All right, Sergeant Schultz.

Post yourself outside this door

and guard it.

Jawohl, Herr
Kommandant.

Now, Hogan,
I promised General Burkhalter

I would find
those escaped prisoners.

Where are they?

Before we talk
about that,

aren't you being
a little rough

on Sergeant
Schultz?

That's none
of your business.

Well, it would help me

to remember where
the prisoners are,

if you only gave
him four hours guard duty a day.

Impossible.

And if he
was eligible

for leave again
in a year.

Out of the question.

And if you didn't
charge him full price

for the wine,
cigars and caviar.

Request denied.
Now, where are those prisoners?

Request denied.
Unless...

Come on,
Commandant.

He was only
doing his duty.

What do you say,
is it a deal?

All right,
I have no choice.

Thanks.

Now, where are
those prisoners?

Don't worry,
they'll turn up.

Hogan.

Have I ever
failed you before?

See you later,
Mr. Lucky.

(German accent):
Colonel Klink, I cannot give you my name.

Just say I am a friend
of Stalag 13.

I am at the hauselhorf
in Hammelburg.

There are two strange men
hanging around.

That's all I can tell you.

Heil Hitler.

Amusing,
amusing...

Mm.

Uh, Louis, I believe
our ride home's arrived.

I guess we'd better
make it look good.

That's a
marvelous idea. Ta-ta.

Thanks,
you've been darling.

Take care.

Au revoir.

( mumbling )

( accordion music
plays in the background )

Stay where you are.

Nobody move.

Stay where you are.
Nobody move.

Schultz, what
are you doing?

You're liable
to hurt somebody.

Now give me
that thing

before you do
any damage.

( rapid gunfire )

( glass breaking )

See, Schultz?

That's how
you handle a machine gun.

LeBEAU:
Come on.

Come on.
Don't shoot.

BOTH:
Don't shoot.

I give up.
I give up, too.

Ah, there
you are.

Take them
away.

Colonel,

you've done a thousand marks
worth of damage.

Schultz.

You allowed
those prisoners to escape.

You pay.

A thousand
marks? Mm-hmm.

Next time you're
a commandant, Schultz,

you better shop around
for a cheaper war.

And I demand to know

how those two men got out
of the camp.

Well, I guess
you'll find out anyway.

But you won't believe it.

How did they escape?

Pole-vaulted
over the wire.

( laughs )

I don't believe it.
Neither do I.

See, I told you,
but that's how they did it.

All right,
prove it to me.

Where's the pole?

Satisfied?

You know, I used to pole-vault
when I went to school.

That fence seems
a little high.

That's how they did it.

See for yourself.

( crashing and thudding )

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