All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s05e25 Crittendons Commandos.eng

( theme song playing )

( Morse code beeping )

"Pick up six commandos
parachuting into area A11.

Bring them back
to Stalag 13."

Sounds easy
enough so far.

Easy?
It's insulting.

All of a sudden
we are a taxi cab.

Yeah, but at least
we're not a yellow one.

( laughs ):
How about that?

We might be a cab,
but at least we're not a yellow one.

I just said that

and I wasn't even
trying to be funny.

You weren't.

( Morse code beeping )

Coming in
to grab Rommel?

Rommel?

Field Marshal
Rommel?

The Desert Fox?

The Terror
of Torbrook?

The Galloping Ghost?

That was Red Grange.

"Rommel was wounded
by a strafing fighter

"and is now recuperating

in a small private hospital
outside of Hammelburg."

They've got
quite a job ahead of them.

So do we.

How are we going
to get six commandos

past all those
SS patrols?

Let's find out
where area A11 is.

That's two miles
from Hammelburg...

and about 12 miles
from home.

Yeah, and plenty
of space in between.

Those patrols are going
to be on the alert

the moment they
hear that plane.

There's
a good chance

somebody will spot
the parachutes.

Yep, and then it's a race
to see who picks up who.

I'm beginning to wish
we were a taxi cab, and a very fast one.

But never
a yellow one.

Oh, shut up, Carter.

It's a cinch the SS will be
blocking the roads,

but a truck carrying British
prisoners with German guards

shouldn't have
any trouble, right?

Ah, I get the message.

I'll radio London

and tell them to drop their guys
in flight uniforms.

Right. Tell them
we'll be in German uniforms.

We'll use the
cricket code ID.

Right.

Now all we
need is a truck.

Carter, Newkirk,
check the motor pool.

See if one's been brought in
for repair, huh?

NEWKIRK:
Okay.

We'll check, but I'm sure
one's on its way.

Yeah, the first
one we see.

As long as it isn't yellow.

Yeah.

Get up there.

All right,
all right!

Let's have a little
hustle there!

Colonel Klink wants this truck
fixed by this afternoon.

We're not going to disappoint
our Colonel Klink, are we?

I should say we aren't.

We want whatever
our commandant wants,

and if he wants this truck
fixed, we'll fix it by...

Carter, I'll give the orders;

just make sure
they're not obeyed.

I want this truck
out of commission till tonight.

Yes, sir.

Hey!

You want to play
funny, huh?

Ow!

( groaning )

Morning, sir.

Oh... So, Hogan, this is the way
your men fix a truck, huh?

Well, as
they say, sir,

all work and no play
make Jack a dull boy.

We at Stalag 13 like
dull boys.

( laughing )

Very good,
Commandant.

I see you are
in excellent humor.

Shut up, Schultz.

I'm not in excellent humor.

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant.

You are in
excellent humor

to be in such
a nasty humor.

I know how anxious
you are to know

when your truck
will be ready,

and I can
assure you...

Hogan, this truck is supposed to
pick up supplies this morning.

Why is it being
repaired, huh?

Why? Well, Newkirk's
our mechanical engineer,

so I'll have him
give you the answer.

Newkirk-- without
getting too technical,

would you explain
to Colonel Klink

why his truck's
being repaired?

Certainly, sir.

It's broken.

( grunts )
Thank you.

You're very welcome, sir.

You couldn't ask for
a plainer explanation than that, sir.

Hogan, this truck was
perfectly all right last night.

Obviously it wasn't
all right

or it wouldn't be
the broken-down wreck that you see here.

I would like to see
just how really broken down it is.

Uh, begging
your pardon, sir.

Inasmuch as we don't
know the extent of the damage,

trying to start
the engine might prove dangerous.

Hogan, get out of my way.

I do not believe that
there is anything wrong with that truck.

You and your men
are just using it as an excuse for loafing.

Now, Schultz, get in there
and start that engine.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

What kind of danger do you think
there might be, Colonel Hogan?

Explosion, fire.

Who knows?

Nothing is going
to happen, Schultz.

Just get in there.

Not another word
out of you.

Men!

SCHULTZ:
Wait, Herr Kommandant.

I think my driver's license
has expired.

Schultz, stop being
a coward.

Nothing is going
to happen.

Start the engine.

That's an order.

Jawohl.

( engine cranks )

( loud bang )

All right,
they all should be

within this half-mile
radius right here.

You cover the northeast
area, huh, Kinch?

Got your cricket?

Right here, Colonel.
( clicker clicks )

And their signal is...

Four chirps repeated
at ten-second intervals.

And my reply is...

( clicks twice )

two chirps.

All right, we rendezvous
in... 40 minutes.

Let's go.

( two clicks )

( knuckles clicking )

( two clicks )

It looks like we all
heard the same signal.

But no sign of
any commandos.

I could swear
it came from right here.

I was standing right here
all the time.

I didn't see anyone.

Better not stand here
any longer.

Back to the truck,
quick and quiet.

( knuckles clicking )

( clicking )

Well, it's an old habit.

I always crack my knuckles
when I get nervous.

I'd like to crack
my knuckles, too...

right in your
big mouth.

What'd I do?

Nothing, Carter,
nothing.

But the next time
you get nervous,

bite your
nails, huh?

Back to the truck.

All right, quietly.

I warn you:
one false move

and your commandant
is a dead man.

Hello, Colonel Crittendon.

Good heavens--
Colonel Hogan.

Hi.

Hold your fire, lads!

They're not Jerries,
they're friends!

Softly, Crittendon,
softly.

The SS is out there.

Now, let's get back
to the truck, and fast.

My chaps need a breather.

Have no fear--
we'll see Jerry before he sees us.

Who's standing
the watch, Tobin?

Me and, uh, Digby, sir.

That's what I like
about Tobin--

always takes
the dirty jobs himself.

Those two are on watch, huh?

Well, it's merely
an expression, old man.

I mean, when there's
nothing to see,

there's really
nothing to watch, what?

( chuckles )

But he's got ears
like an Airedale.

He hears things
most of us don't.

Probably sees things
most of us don't, too.

Sees things?

What? Where?

Oh, that's good, Hogan.

Talking good.

I keep forgetting that
keen wit of yours-- marvelous quality.

You could look death
in the face

and laugh about it,
couldn't you?

No, I don't believe
I can, Colonel.

You said
your men are tired.

Let's get back to the truck
and Stalag 13.

I have a much
safer idea.

You and your men ride
in the truck;

my boys and I will
follow on foot.

That's ten miles!

( chuckles )

Merely a pleasant
stroll for us.

You see, if we rode
in the truck with you,

wouldn't that be
putting all our eggs in one basket, what?

No, I'd call it
the most practical plan.

Now, you said
your men were exhausted.

And so they were,
but a few moments' rest

and they'll be straining
at the traces.

What do you say
to that, lads?

ALL ( tiredly ):
Aye...

They're a dotty bunch.

All right, Hogan, you'd
better get your men back to the truck.

Look, Colonel, I can't...

That's an order.

Remember, I have
more time in grade;

that gives me rank
over you, sir.

Try to remember that.

None of us will ever
forget it... sir.

Still no sign
of them?

I don't know why we all
even bother looking.

I should have known
the plan was doomed

when Crittendon said
he had an idea.

Yeah.

That had the ring
of disaster for me, too.

Those guys
must be crazy

to follow Crittendon
on a ten-mile march.

They had to be crazy
to follow him on the plane.

You think we ought
to radio London,

tell them what happened?

Let's give them
ten minutes more. ( tapping )

Carter, stop cracking
your knuckles.

I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't mean to...

My hands are
in my pockets!

( tapping )

Hold it, hold it.

( tapping )

I hear tapping.

Yeah.

It is a tapping.

Why, it's as though
someone were rapping,

gently rapping on my...

I'll wrap the periscope
around your neck

if you say
one more word.

LeBeau, have
another look, huh?

Come in, Hogan.

Hogan, come in.

Come up, Hogan, and let me...

Hogan, will you...

Ho...

Nothing...

( yells )

The SS had us surrounded--

300 against seven.

They closed in,
rifles at the ready,

machine guns
and mortars ringed us.

It's a good thing you
didn't try to fight.

My men are
trained killers,

human fighting
machines.

They ask no quarter
and they give none.

They don't know the meaning
of the word "surrender."

That can lead to
some nasty arguments.

However, I do know
what the word means.

I said it
and I meant it.

And the look I saw
on the faces of my command

I'll remember
until my dying day.

I failed them,
Hogan.

I failed them.

( sighs )

You, uh...

you saved the lives
of your men, Colonel.

I'd rather you didn't
call me that.

I'm a disgrace
to this uniform.

A vital mission
has been ruined

because I... I had
to do things my way.

You know, driving back here,
I began to think,

I realized your plan
was better than my plan.

I had the very same
thought meself, sir.

Since we're being
honest,

I didn't like Colonel Hogan's
way from the very start.

Colonel Crittendon's plan--
that made sense to me,

but I said nothing
because I'm only a corporal.

Private.

It's awfully decent
of you chaps to say that,

but you got back here
without any trouble

and I had nothing but trouble
and got nowhere at all.

You did!

You escaped, and that must have
been a pretty neat trick.

Yeah, how did you manage
to get away?

Well, they ordered us
into the back of the truck.

After the last man was in,

I waited for them
to make room for me,

and while I was waiting,
the truck drove off.

They didn't realize
you were standing there?

Well, of course
I was stunned, too,

but I quickly
regained my senses and ran after them.

No offense, sir--

why did you do
a stupid thing like that?

Well, I wanted to be
with my men.

They need a leader.

Who knows what will happen
to them without me?

That's right.

Look what happened to them
with you.

I mean, if you hadn't
surrendered, they'd be goners.

You can help them better
by being free.

Yeah, it's a good thing
it was so dark

they didn't see you.

See me?

They didn't even miss me.

I wasn't worth
the space I'd take up.

I got London on
the radio, Colonel.

Good--
they must be informed

that our vital mission
has been botched.

Uh... hold it
a minute, Kinch.

Time is of
the essence, Hogan.

They might just be able

to fly in a second unit
to pull it off.

You have all the details
of the mission?

Of course.

The hospital is just
outside Hammelburg.

Rommel is in suite 101.

I'm to deliver him
tomorrow night at midnight

to the underground.

They'll keep him?

No, they'll take him
to the coast.

We have a sub standing by.

Then all you need are
some expert fighting men

to handle the guards.

And they aren't
easy to find.

Do you have a feeling

we're about to volunteer
for something?

Come on, Colonel.

We could use some action
for a change.

This mission might be
a sticky one.

Well, we might
as well try it.

You can't do any worse
than you've already done.

No offense, sir.

None taken, Sergeant.

Men, your offer
is gladly accepted.

I should warn you, though,
you may be volunteering

for an extremely
dangerous night's work.

Oh, sure, danger is
my middle name.

Yeah, we'd just be
sitting around anyway.

Fine lads.

Hogan, I'll need
your truck again.

Well, it's not
exactly my truck,

but I'll ask Dad
if I can borrow the keys.

Fine-- then we're all set.

Just one question,
Colonel.

Oh, why is it we're
supposed to grab Rommel?

Last week, a German sub
sank one of our ships

and captured
Admiral Thomas Toddly,

head of naval intelligence.

We are going to capture Rommel
and force a prisoner exchange.

That'd be quite a coup
if we could pull it off.

There are no ifs.

This one's do or die--
a suicide mission.

Now, we best not talk
about it anymore.

Jerry has big ears.

I'm beginning to think
we have even bigger mouths.

Good morning, Colonel.

I'm happy...

Don't be happy, Hogan.

When I'm not happy,
nobody's happy,

and I'm not happy.

Oh, I'm sorry to see you

in such a bad humor
this morning, sir.

Any morning you see me,
I'm in a bad humor.

You know, that's right.

I wonder why that is.

Frankly, Hogan, you depress me.

Depress you?

In the morning, you mean?

Morning, afternoon, evening...

summer, winter,
autumn and spring.

You depress me, because
you're a scheming troublemaker.

Scheming troublemaker?

I resent that.

Don't bother.

I resent it enough
for both of us.

Hogan, about the truck...

It's fixed, yes?

All fixed, sir.

Fixed and ready
to go...

after a few
minor repairs.

But you were making repairs
all day yesterday.

Those were
the major repairs.

You've got to do
the major repairs

to find
the minor repairs.

Otherwise, you
wouldn't see them.

And it will be ready today?

Absolutely.

Guarantee it positively
will be ready today.

Tomorrow
at the latest.

No tomorrows, Hogan.

I want it ready today.

Now, tell the men
to speed it up.

Haste makes waste, sir.

No, you make waste.

You make schemes,
you make troubles,

but there's one thing
you don't make,

and that is haste.

Then use
your own mechanics.

Oh, you know very well
that General Burkhalter

has transferred
my entire maintenance crew

to bomber service.

Well, in that case,
if I were you, sir,

I wouldn't be
so demanding.

You'll find my men
are the kind

the more you push,
the less they do.

Who's pushing?

I'm doing nothing.

And that's exactly
what they're doing.

Colonel, look,
you'll find I'm a reasonable man.

No! You're not!

You're a sneaky
troublemaker.

Scheming
troublemaker.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry.

Now, I want no more
loafing on the job.

All right, that
truck will be ready

if we have
to work all night.

And I'm going to post a guard
to see that it's done.

A guard?

Now you're carrying
things too far, sir.

There's no reason
in the world

for you to post
a guard over my men.

Hogan, when you say there's
no reason in the world,

that's reason enough
for me.

Frau Hilda, have Sergeant
Schultz stand guard

over the men
at the motor pool.

And get this, Hogan.

Tell him to take his gun.

( yawning broadly )

All right, gentlemen,
take a one-hour rest period.

Wait a minute!

Who told you to rest?

That man did.

Since when do you
take orders from him?

Since he said
"one-hour rest period."

SCHULTZ:
Keep on working, men,

while I take
an hour rest period.

If you want to lie down,

there's a cot
in the tool room.

Oh, sure, "Lie down
in the tool room, Schultz,

while we steal
the truck," huh?

Schultzy, do you think
we would steal this truck?

No, I don't,

not while I sleep
in the back of it.

( chuckles self-contentedly )

See if you can get
this thing started.

( engine starts )

( snoring )

Haben Sie
Feuer bitte?

NEWKIRK:
He was sleeping on duty.

CARTER:
Disgraceful.

What's the matter
with you?

Sorry about that.

Get down.

All right, Newkirk, when
we get inside the building,

go down to the basement,
cut the power.

I'll take care
of that, Hogan.

I'd rather
Newkirk do it.

He's the electrician.

It doesn't take
an electrician to pull a switch.

The right switch,
Crittendon--

that's where
the trick comes in.

Precisely why I'll
take care of the power.

I have a complete diagram
of the electrical circuit.

Why don't you let Newkirk
have a look at it, huh?

Oh, you don't think
I'd be foolish enough

to carry it
with me, do you?

No, you wouldn't do that.

You'd memorize it
and burn it.

Right, you are, Hogan.

That's what
I was afraid of.

No need to worry.

I have
a photographic memory.

My mind is like a camera.

Yeah, but
how are you fixed for film?

That diagram is tucked away
right in the old brain box.

Control system,
south wall of basement,

metal box, three switches.

Left switch, escape alarm;
middle switch, air raid siren;

right switch, main power.

Follow me, lads.

That's the
doctors' lounge.

It's unoccupied
right now, so we'll go in.

The light switch
is on the wall to the right.

Aha.

I'll be darned.

It is
a doctors' lounge.

Now, the guards won't
be making their rounds

for another 20 minutes.

That gives us plenty of
time for our bit of work.

Rommel is in suite 101--

down the hall,
corridor on your left,

third door to your right.

Very good, very good.

Now, here's the ploy.

After I leave,
wait 25 seconds,

then get cracking.

I'll give you five seconds
to get to the hall.

Then I'll hit the lights.

Rommel should be asleep.

Just to make sure,

this syringe contains
a powerful sedative.

It works instantly.

Use it
if you have to.

Uh... Crittendon,
wouldn't you rather Newkirk go?

Colonel Crittendon
never sends a man

to do a job he
wouldn't do himself.

There must be
no slipups.

Good luck, chaps.

What do you think,
Colonel?

His memory seems
to be pretty good.

Yeah, so is
my memory.

I can remember
those six commandos that came with him.

How's it look in the hall?

All clear.

All right,
let's go.

( siren begins wailing )

What's that?

Mr. Memory has
done it again.

All right,
watch this door.

Come on, LeBeau.

Quick! Quick! Air raid!

Keep walking.

There's
an air raid.

Keep walking
till the raid is over.

Crittendon!
Hogan!

Rotten luck, eh?

Fine time they picked
to have an escape

and an air raid
at the same time.

Follow me.

Rommel's room is
this way.

To blazes
with Rommel--

we've got to get
out of here.

Sir, we've got
a mission.

Hogan, tell your man
who is in charge here.

Okay.

Ow!

Any questions?

NEWKIRK:
Yes, sir, what do we do with him?

Bring him along.

It's a pity.

HOGAN:
Any word from headquarters?

NEWKIRK:
Kinch is still trying to raise them.

But what a night.

And what a mission.

Nobody's ever going
to believe us.

Well, I don't
believe it myself.

We captured
Field Marshal Rommel.

SCHULTZ:
Achtung! Achtung!

Raus! Raus! Raus!

Everybody, roll call
in 15 minutes!

Oh, you're
an hour early!

Orders of the commandant!

He has lunch
with the field marshal.

What field marshal?

Rommel!

What do you think?

Is there anybody else
who is a field marshal?

Rommel? The Rommel?

What is he
doing here?

He's recuperating
from his wounds

in a hospital nearby,

and he would like
to make an inspection.

Are you sure it's Rommel?

There's only
one Desert Fox.

Yeah, that's what
I'm afraid of.

You can read all about it
in the paper,

but mach schnell!

Raus! Raus!

Roll call!

Oh, I got London, Colonel.

Stand by, Mama Bear.

I hope Crittendon doesn't
give us too much credit for this one.

CRITTENDON ( on radio ):
Come in, Goldilocks.

Are you there, Goldilocks?

Speaking.

I understand
we shipped the wrong package.

Not at all, not at all.

It was a prize.

A prize
or surprise?

CRITTENDON:
Well, both, of course.

I mean, here we were,
trying to take Rommel,

and who do we kidnap but
Admiral Toddly himself, what?

( chuckles )

That wasn't the plan, you know.

I know.

It's amazing how
you knew Admiral Toddly

was in the same hospital
as Rommel.

Good show.

You and your chaps
did a splendid job.

That's very flattering,

but I don't think we could
have done it without you, sir.

Oh, really?

I mean, I hardly
remember a thing,

but I suppose that's natural
in the heat of battle, what?

Yes, sir.

Well, you chaps were
such a help last night,

I've decided we'd work together
on another assignment.

Now, how does that strike you?

I'm afraid the
Germans are jamming us, Mama Bear.

( static )

CRITTENDON ( on radio ):
Come in, Goldilocks.

Hello, Goldilocks.

You know, being
a prisoner of war

is a very dangerous
branch of the service.

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