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00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:17,643
( theme song playing )
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00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:50,842
SCHULTZ:
Achtung! Achtung!
3
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:53,637
Everybody, achtung, achtung!
4
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:57,349
Achtung, everybody--
it's a barracks inspection!
5
00:00:57,391 --> 00:01:02,354
I want everything put back
into the footlocker!
6
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:08,068
I want the windows washed
inside and out!
7
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:11,113
I want the walls scrubbed!
8
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:14,950
There is going to be inspection
by the commandant himself!
9
00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:17,035
It's okay,
Schultz.
10
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It's all clear
outside.
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00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:20,622
What a day,
what a day.
12
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:24,126
I'm more sergeant
at a supply depot than at the front.
13
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Schultz, where's
my pumpernickel?
14
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:27,212
Oh.
15
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,590
I put it where it
won't be squashed.
16
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:33,135
I have it
someplace.
17
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:36,138
I put it
where it won't... won't...
18
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,433
Hey, look, a
pumpernickel pizza!
19
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:40,976
( laughs )
20
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:42,477
A pumpernickel
pizza!
21
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:43,895
That's a good one,
huh?
22
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,856
Yeah. Thanks,
Schultz.
23
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,899
How about
a little snack, Schultzy?
24
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,152
Well...
if you insist.
25
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,820
( laughs )
26
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,613
Just to be sociable.
27
00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:02,205
The bread man
came through again.
28
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,540
Great.
29
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,542
Aha!
30
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:08,003
That's this section
right here.
31
00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,379
Only need
one more section
32
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,756
to complete
the puzzle, huh?
33
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,132
Yeah.
34
00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:14,551
When did the bread man
say he could deliver?
35
00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:17,262
Final delivery
Friday.
36
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,346
Great.
37
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,598
Four more days
38
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:21,767
and we're going to have
a complete picture
39
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,226
of the German
West Wall.
40
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:26,563
And our friendly RAF
will make the wall come tumbling down.
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00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:40,744
Where's Schultz?
42
00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,078
Sacking out
in my bunk.
43
00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:43,413
Sleeping off
his lunch.
44
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:45,457
I wonder what
he's dreaming about.
45
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,209
His dinner.
46
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,752
SOLDIER:
Achtung!
47
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HOGAN:
General Burkhalter, what a surprise.
48
00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:53,173
It's supposed to be
a surprise.
49
00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:55,926
I like to drop in
and inspect camp security,
50
00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:58,595
especially when
Colonel Klink is out.
51
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,680
Show a little respect
for the general, men.
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00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:01,765
Attention!
53
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:02,849
Dress right!
Dress!
54
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,142
Ah, you'll have
to excuse
55
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:05,727
the breach of military
etiquette, sir.
56
00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:08,480
The men aren't used
to having generals sneaking in on them.
57
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,439
Although you weren't
really sneaking--
58
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,440
you just sort of
surprised them.
59
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,441
Why, you
certainly did.
60
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:12,442
Didn't he, fellas?
61
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,568
Right, sir.
Sure did.
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00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:14,778
I've never been
so surprised
63
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:15,654
in me life, sir.
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00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:16,863
Me, too.
65
00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,073
You caught us
red-handed.
66
00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,699
Of course we weren't
doing anything
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00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,326
for you
to catch us at,
68
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,828
but if we had been,
you'd have caught us red-handed,
69
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,622
which we all know
we weren't!
70
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,457
What a surprise
if we were!
71
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,626
Why is he so nervous?
72
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,628
I'm not nervous;
I'm just surprised.
73
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,839
( snoring )
74
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,760
Stand aside!
75
00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:46,101
And just
what is this?
76
00:03:46,142 --> 00:03:48,144
I think it's what
we call a Schultz.
77
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,065
( gasps )
78
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:54,276
BURKHALTER:
On your feet, Schultz!
79
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:57,696
General Burkhalter,
what are you doing here?
80
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,030
First suppose
you tell me
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00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,490
what you were
doing there.
82
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:01,491
Well...
83
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:02,325
You're lying!
84
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:02,951
Did you see...
85
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:04,077
Enough!
86
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,955
I don't want to hear
any more of your lies.
87
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:09,582
That's the only one I had.
88
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:12,836
Schultz, evidently
your memory is failing.
89
00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:16,047
You seem to have forgotten
which side you are on.
90
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,383
Oh, I'm on our side!
91
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:21,761
But you have trouble remembering
who's on their side.
92
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,513
Oh, the enemy!
93
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,932
Excellent, Schultz.
94
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,226
Your memory isn't
altogether gone.
95
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,520
A transfer
to the Russian Front
96
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,689
will completely
restore it.
97
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,942
To the Russian Front?
98
00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,861
It works wonders
for memory failures.
99
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,195
In just a few days,
100
00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:43,199
you won't be able
to forget the enemy.
101
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:44,117
Guards.
102
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,377
Tell the bread man
103
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,670
we can't wait
till Friday.
104
00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:57,047
We've got to have
that picture
105
00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:58,131
delivered
by tomorrow.
106
00:04:58,173 --> 00:04:59,883
What if he
can't do it?
107
00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:01,468
Then we'll have
to work out
108
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:02,469
another
delivery system.
109
00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:04,387
Oh, boy, Schultz
is our only link
110
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,472
to the supply depot.
111
00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:06,681
And when
he's gone,
112
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:07,891
you know where
that leaves us.
113
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,392
Yeah, with
a missing link.
114
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:10,935
Maybe we could delay
Schultz's transfer,
115
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,979
at least until after
we get the picture.
116
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:14,272
Klink's got
to sign it
117
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to make it
official.
118
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,776
If he doesn't,
Schultz stays.
119
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:20,570
And if Burkhalter
finds out, Klink goes.
120
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,071
We'll just have
to make sure
121
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:23,740
Burkhalter doesn't
find it out.
122
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,325
Busy, Colonel?
123
00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:26,534
Hogan, I am very busy.
124
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:28,119
I have a lot
of work to do
125
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,996
and I do not wish
any interruptions.
126
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:30,997
Right you are, sir.
127
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,040
Hilda!
128
00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,082
Jawohl.
129
00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:34,459
The commandant is not
to be disturbed:
130
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,543
no calls,
no visitors
131
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,337
and no interruptions,
no matter who.
132
00:05:37,378 --> 00:05:38,338
And that's an order.
133
00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:39,339
Jawohl,Herr Kommandant...
134
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:40,924
uh, Colonel Hogan.
135
00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:44,719
Nobody's going
to bother you now, sir.
136
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,221
Except you.
137
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:47,972
Me? I'd be the last
one to bother you.
138
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:48,973
Yes, I know.
139
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,517
You're always
the first one.
140
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:52,977
Now, I told you,
I do not wish to be disturbed.
141
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,979
Quite so,
and I can assure you
142
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,439
nobody's going
to disturb you.
143
00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:01,486
I feel disturbed.
144
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,779
So do I, sir.
145
00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:05,615
Colonel, I want you
to tell me it isn't true.
146
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,867
I want you tell me that
you had no part in this.
147
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,703
I want you to tell me
the whole thing is a vicious lie.
148
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:11,788
Of course it is.
149
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:13,498
What is?
150
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,708
Sergeant Schultz
is being transferred to the Russian Front.
151
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,835
Schultz is transferred
to the Russian Front?
152
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:18,878
When did this happen?
153
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,129
While you were
in town.
154
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:23,675
I was sure that
you wouldn't do this to the man who thinks
155
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:25,802
you're the finest officer
in the Luftwaffe--
156
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,720
a faithful, loyal comrade
like Schultz.
157
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:30,181
The Russian Front.
158
00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:33,184
A target like Schultz
wouldn't have a chance.
159
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,310
( knock at door )
160
00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:35,478
Come in, come in.
161
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,398
Excuse me,
Herr Kommandant.
162
00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:41,609
I know you left orders
not to interrupt...
163
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:45,196
Please, Schultz,
you're not interrupting me.
164
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,782
It's always
good to see an old comrade.
165
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,659
What can I do
for you, eh?
166
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:50,994
Nothing.
167
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,371
Nothing anybody can do.
168
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,749
I think you're supposed
to sign this.
169
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:58,167
What is it?
170
00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:00,920
My transfer
to the Russian Front.
171
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,505
Herr Kommandant,
please...
172
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,841
I'm in very
bad health--
173
00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:07,927
my head, my back,
my heart.
174
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:13,182
A bullet in any one of those
places could be fatal.
175
00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:15,059
Schultz, Colonel Klink
wouldn't think of losing
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00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,602
his best sergeant.
177
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:18,855
Ja, but how about me?
178
00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:19,856
It is you.
179
00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:20,898
Am I right, sir?
180
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,108
Of course
you're right.
181
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:25,111
Commandant Klink's
the one that writes the orders around here
182
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,070
and no one else,
correct, sir?
183
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,113
Absolutely.
184
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,740
You mean
I do not have to go?
185
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,700
You heard the commandant;
now, back to your post.
186
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,369
Schultz, so you made
a few stupid mistakes.
187
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:36,998
You're lazy, you're fat,
you sleep on duty.
188
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:41,169
Still, you're
a likable clod.
189
00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:43,087
Come on, Schultz.
190
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,172
But, Herr Kommandant,
191
00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:45,548
you said I'm
your best sergeant.
192
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:46,549
You are, Schultz.
193
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,301
I've never had
another one like you.
194
00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:49,969
I think we ought
to just tear up
195
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,429
those orders right now,
don't you, sir?
196
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,014
By the way, Schultz,
who issued...
197
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,557
Uh, Colonel, hey,
how about a picture of you and Schultz?
198
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:55,725
KLINK:
A picture, Hogan?
199
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,435
I've got a lot
of work to do.
200
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,811
It'll only take
a second, sir.
201
00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:00,354
Just a shot of you
tearing up the transfer.
202
00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:01,481
I think it'd give it
a nice touch.
203
00:08:01,522 --> 00:08:03,441
How about...
how about this?
204
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,859
We let Schultz
tear these up.
205
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,736
Uh-huh. Fine, fine.
206
00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:08,613
I'd like to see
General Burkhalter's face
207
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:10,531
when he hears
about this.
208
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:11,532
General Burkhalter?
209
00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:12,950
When he hears
about what, Schultz?
210
00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,202
That we tore up
his orders.
211
00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:15,745
Stop that
or I'll have you shot!
212
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:16,996
Yeah, but
you told me...
213
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,749
Never mind what I told you;
do what I tell you now.
214
00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:20,750
No more pictures, Hogan.
215
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:21,876
Well, that's all right.
216
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,669
I didn't have
a camera anyway, sir.
217
00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:25,046
Hogan, when was
the general here?
218
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,756
This morning-- he came
sneaking into camp
219
00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:28,007
for a surprise
security check.
220
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,008
Is he still here?
221
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:29,592
Uh-huh.
222
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:30,593
How do you know?
223
00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:31,761
I can see him.
224
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:32,970
What is he doing?
225
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,096
Standing behind you.
226
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,516
Ah!
227
00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:39,519
General Burkhalter,
how very nice to see you.
228
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:40,895
Those surprise
inspections of yours--
229
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,522
they never fail
to surprise me.
230
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:43,564
No, indeed.
231
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:44,774
A very wise
tactic, sir.
232
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:46,067
Keeps us
on our toes,
233
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:47,527
doesn't it,
Schultz?
234
00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:49,487
He can't even
keep on his feet.
235
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,696
Did you get
the orders
236
00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:51,697
for his transfer,
Klink?
237
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:52,782
Yes, sir, I have.
238
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,451
And I must say
I agree with you, sir.
239
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:56,494
I'm delighted
with your suggestion.
240
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,120
To the Führer
I make suggestions;
241
00:08:58,162 --> 00:09:01,123
to you I make orders,
242
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:03,125
which I suggest you
carry out at once.
243
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,585
Yes, sir, I will.
244
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,462
And I have.
245
00:09:06,462 --> 00:09:08,464
These orders are all
signed, sealed, delivered,
246
00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:10,174
and he's
on his way to...
247
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:14,512
General Burkhalter,
how does our camp security look?
248
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:15,721
I don't know yet.
249
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,807
If Schultz is
any example of your men...
250
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:20,184
Oh, oh, oh,
no, no, he is not.
251
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,894
I can assure you
of that, sir.
252
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:23,980
I consider him a disgrace
to his uniform.
253
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:26,357
I don't know how
he got to be sergeant.
254
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,484
I don't even know
how he got into the Luftwaffe.
255
00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:31,487
I don't know how he even
got to be a German.
256
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:33,531
( laughs )
257
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,658
Maybe he lied about his age.
258
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:36,659
Hogan!
259
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:37,660
At least you
haven't lost
260
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:38,786
your sense
of humor.
261
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:39,829
I never had one.
262
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:40,871
I'll be around,
Klink.
263
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:41,872
Yes, sir.
264
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:42,957
So will I.
265
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:45,543
We'll see.
We'll see...
266
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,587
I've got to hand it
to you, Colonel.
267
00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:49,088
That was
the greatest job
268
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,506
of acting
I've ever seen.
269
00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,174
You played
the cringing bootlicker to perfection.
270
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:53,676
I am a cringing
bootlicker.
271
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,344
That is,
I wasn't acting, Hogan.
272
00:09:55,344 --> 00:09:57,597
But you're not
going to sign the transfer.
273
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:58,723
I'm only obeying orders.
274
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,516
Do you realize
if you sign that,
275
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:03,060
you're going
to be sending a man to a certain death?
276
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,061
And if I don't,
277
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:06,063
I'll be sending
two of us there.
278
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,357
Schultz, about face.
279
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:16,532
Four jars of caviar,
two canned hams,
280
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:17,867
four bottles of cognac.
281
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:19,410
Anything else we need?
282
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,369
You're giving
old Schultzy
283
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,204
a pretty big list,
aren't you?
284
00:10:22,204 --> 00:10:23,539
Who knows
when we'll find
285
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:24,957
another supply sergeant
like him?
286
00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:26,334
Yeah, but still,
you know,
287
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:28,627
he can only
carry so much under that topcoat.
288
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:29,879
He can make two trips.
289
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:31,255
Yeah, or wear
two topcoats.
290
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,548
( chuckles )
291
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:35,301
Any luck
with Klink?
292
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,719
Yeah,
all bad.
293
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,054
Looks like this
whole operation
294
00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,096
is indefinitely
postponed.
295
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,598
What?
Why?
296
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:42,308
Schultz has been confined
to his quarters
297
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,726
till he ships out.
298
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,854
Such a magnificent
shopping list I had for him.
299
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,522
Kinch better contact
that bread man
300
00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:49,732
and cancel
tomorrow's delivery.
301
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,360
Do you think he can get us
that picture by tomorrow?
302
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,486
It's what
the underground said.
303
00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:55,654
There's got to be
a way for us
304
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,406
to get to that supply depot.
305
00:10:57,406 --> 00:10:59,867
Klink's really busy now,
306
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,869
so he absolutely
can't be interrupted.
307
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:02,870
So what do we do?
308
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:03,579
Interrupt him.
309
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:06,540
Fräulein Hilda,
please come in here.
310
00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:08,584
I need some help
with this paperwork.
311
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:12,838
Did you bring your pad?
312
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,131
Oh, I left it
on my bunk.
313
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:15,174
Hogan!
314
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,383
It'll just take
a second, sir.
315
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:17,593
Sign that.
316
00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:21,388
Thanks, sir.
317
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:22,681
Just a minute!
318
00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:23,849
What was that I signed?
319
00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:27,061
Just a list of the men
for your work detail tomorrow:
320
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:27,978
Carter, Newkirk,
Kinch, LeBeau.
321
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:28,854
Oh.
322
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:29,897
Remember they're being punished,
323
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,190
so really make them work.
324
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,817
Don't worry,
I'll make them work, all right,
325
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:35,444
but, uh, what kind of work
are they supposed to be doing?
326
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,862
Helping you
load supplies
327
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,405
for the officers' club.
328
00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:40,116
Schultz is
the supply sergeant.
329
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,034
He was; you've confined
him to quarters.
330
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,577
Oh.
331
00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:45,162
That means I'll have
to find a replacement.
332
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:48,165
One thing you could depend on
was his honesty.
333
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,500
He was a man you could trust.
334
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,002
Yeah, I must give him
credit for that.
335
00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:54,129
I always could trust Schultz.
336
00:11:54,129 --> 00:11:56,173
He was too stupid
to be dishonest.
337
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,634
Which is more
than you can say for your other men.
338
00:11:58,634 --> 00:11:59,635
Those Krauts are
339
00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:01,262
the biggest thieves
I've ever seen.
340
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,429
That's not true.
341
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:03,889
Look what they stole
from France.
342
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,057
Yes.
343
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,642
Took everything
but the Eiffel Tower.
344
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:09,478
But that was the SS,
not the Luftwaffe.
345
00:12:09,478 --> 00:12:10,604
Seen Göring's
art collection lately?
346
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:11,939
You're right.
347
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,149
If I ever made
one of those guards
348
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,150
supply sergeant,
349
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,861
there won't be
a salted herring
350
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:18,195
left for
the officers' club.
351
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:20,281
You may not even have
an officers' club.
352
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:22,950
Only one man that you can
really trust, Colonel.
353
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:23,993
Who's that?
354
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,494
Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
355
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,663
Aah! He's as crooked
as the rest of them...
356
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:31,333
I am the only one I can trust.
357
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,710
Yes, sir.
358
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,045
And you'll be right there
to keep an eye on yourself.
359
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,922
I'll have the men report
for the work detail
360
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:38,173
at 0900 minus ten tomorrow.
361
00:12:38,173 --> 00:12:39,049
Fine, fine.
362
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,175
When?
363
00:12:40,175 --> 00:12:41,927
That's ten minutes of 9:00.
364
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,846
Oh, good, that's even better.
365
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,773
Sliced peaches,
24 cans.
366
00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:57,026
Okay, put them in the van.
367
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:00,529
Kinch.
368
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:06,035
Pears, 24 cans.
369
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:08,746
Okay, put them
in the van.
370
00:13:08,787 --> 00:13:10,539
Carter.
371
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:11,540
Paint.
372
00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:14,543
Paint?
373
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:15,711
Paint.
374
00:13:15,711 --> 00:13:16,879
Get it in the van.
375
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:18,380
I'm sure the men
will think twice
376
00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:20,466
before they break
any more regulations, sir.
377
00:13:20,507 --> 00:13:22,009
You're really
working them today.
378
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,011
Hogan, I'm a
great believer in discipline.
379
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,137
I'm strict,
but I'm fair.
380
00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:26,388
Yeah, no question
about it--
381
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:27,890
you're really
making them sweat.
382
00:13:27,931 --> 00:13:28,849
Yes, I was
hoping...
383
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:30,267
Why are they
all wearing overcoats?
384
00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:32,144
Well, they have to be
careful of pneumonia.
385
00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:34,146
HOGAN:
All right, keep it moving, fellas.
386
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:35,981
The commandant's got
a lot more to pick up.
387
00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:37,691
But I've got
everything on the list here.
388
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,360
You better check it
with Newkirk, sir.
389
00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:40,361
Oh.
390
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,072
Where is it?
391
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:43,906
Are we safe?
392
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:44,823
It's now or never.
393
00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:46,367
Where's Colonel Klink's
pumpernickel?
394
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:47,659
I bring it
right out.
395
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,328
Hogan, we don't need
any pumpernickel.
396
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:50,537
Yes, you do.
397
00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,122
Pumpernickel's
a very German bread.
398
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:53,749
No, we don't need
any pumpernickel,
399
00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:54,875
and I hate pumpernickel.
400
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:56,085
You're being very selfish.
401
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,461
What about
the other officers?
402
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,505
If they want some,
they can bring their own.
403
00:13:59,546 --> 00:14:01,924
What if some high-ranking
officer goes into the club
404
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,300
and asks for pumpernickel?
405
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,844
High-ranking officers
do not come to our officers' club.
406
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:07,805
Well, what do you expect
without pumpernickel?
407
00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:09,223
Thank you.
408
00:14:09,264 --> 00:14:11,100
I'm not getting
something we don't need.
409
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,434
In the truck.
410
00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:15,562
I happen to know
that General Burkhalter is crazy about pumpernickel.
411
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:17,856
Now, when he goes to the
officers' club and asks,
412
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,441
and they tell him
we don't have...
413
00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:21,110
General Burkhalter
had dinner
414
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:23,278
at the officers' club
two years ago,
415
00:14:23,278 --> 00:14:25,030
and he hasn't
been back since.
416
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:27,116
In the truck or
in the cooler, Hogan.
417
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,619
Dismissed!
418
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:35,666
We could break
into the supply depot.
419
00:14:35,707 --> 00:14:36,917
No chance.
420
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,293
You saw all those guards.
421
00:14:38,293 --> 00:14:40,295
NEWKIRK:
One lousy loaf of pumpernickel
422
00:14:40,295 --> 00:14:42,131
between us
and the German West Wall.
423
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:43,590
If we could keep Schultz here
424
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:46,635
and General Burkhalter saw the
kind of soldier he really is...
425
00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:47,636
He saw that
yesterday.
426
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:48,804
No.
427
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:52,808
Nope, he saw
what Schultz has become.
428
00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:55,644
What about
the man inside?
429
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,688
He ate somebody?
430
00:14:57,729 --> 00:15:01,358
What Burkhalter has to see
is the old Schultz,
431
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,486
the fighting machine that had
the respect of this entire camp,
432
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:07,156
the man who, when he snapped
his fingers, you jumped.
433
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,323
Schultz?
434
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:09,575
Our Schultz?
435
00:15:09,616 --> 00:15:10,993
Sure, that was
five years ago.
436
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:14,288
Obviously, he's suffering
from a deep emotional problem,
437
00:15:14,329 --> 00:15:16,290
a problem
that can only be solved
438
00:15:16,331 --> 00:15:18,876
by the noted psychiatrist,
Dr. von Schramm.
439
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:21,336
Sir, you haven't
been here five years.
440
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,839
How do you know
what Schultz was like?
441
00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:27,509
Overhead the entire story...
as I was telling it to you.
442
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:31,555
Yep, what Burkhalter has to see
is the old Sergeant Schultz.
443
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,181
Well, how
do we do that?
444
00:15:33,181 --> 00:15:35,350
Well, I'll leave it
up to you...
445
00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:36,852
Dr. von Schramm.
446
00:15:43,191 --> 00:15:45,110
Colonel, what are we going
to do about Schultz?
447
00:15:45,152 --> 00:15:46,695
Is that why you
disturbed me at lunch?
448
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,113
You're putting it away
pretty good
449
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,239
for a man
that's disturbed.
450
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:50,741
You want to help Schultz,
don't you?
451
00:15:50,782 --> 00:15:52,200
Look, I've done
all I can for him.
452
00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:53,619
I've spoken to
General Burkhalter.
453
00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:54,703
When?
454
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,038
When he told me
to sign an order
455
00:15:56,079 --> 00:15:57,789
transferring Schultz
to the Russian Front.
456
00:15:57,831 --> 00:15:58,624
What'd you say?
457
00:15:58,665 --> 00:16:00,292
I simply said, "Here it is."
458
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:01,960
Now, get out of here, Hogan.
459
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:03,378
Okay, it's your neck.
460
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,047
And stay out
my quart...
461
00:16:05,088 --> 00:16:06,340
What's my neck?
462
00:16:06,381 --> 00:16:07,424
Skip it.
463
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:08,508
It's not
that important.
464
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:09,926
My neck is very
important to me.
465
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:10,927
Now, what
do you mean?
466
00:16:10,969 --> 00:16:12,471
Schultz is
being transferred
467
00:16:12,512 --> 00:16:14,806
because Burkhalter thinks
he's a bad soldier.
468
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:16,266
He is a bad soldier.
469
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,644
Now, what has Schultz
got to do with my neck?
470
00:16:18,685 --> 00:16:19,811
Colonel, I'm
quite sure
471
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:21,730
you've heard
the old Prussian saying:
472
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:24,566
"A soldier is only as good
as the officer he serves."
473
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:27,194
I don't buy it, but,
uh... an old Prussian might.
474
00:16:27,235 --> 00:16:29,279
An old Prussian like
General Burkhalter, you mean.
475
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,114
Does sound like him, doesn't it?
476
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:34,117
"A soldier is only as good
as the officer he serves."
477
00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:35,869
It's Burkhalter, all right.
478
00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:38,080
That's something
he would say to me.
479
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,248
Yeah, and he'll say it,
all right.
480
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:43,293
Today, the sergeant;
tomorrow, the commandant.
481
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:46,922
No, no, General Burkhalter
would never transfer me
482
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:49,800
to the Russian Front
because of Schultz.
483
00:16:49,841 --> 00:16:51,927
That would be grossly unfair.
484
00:16:51,968 --> 00:16:54,096
It would be unjust and...
485
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,264
Hogan, what am I going to do?
486
00:16:56,264 --> 00:16:59,101
Convince Burkhalter to give
Schultz another chance
487
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,436
to prove the kind
of soldier he really is.
488
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:02,813
He's already
seen that.
489
00:17:02,854 --> 00:17:04,272
What we must
show him is
490
00:17:04,272 --> 00:17:07,150
the kind of soldier that
Schultz really is not.
491
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:09,319
That's it--
great idea, Commandant.
492
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:11,738
I have my moments
of brilliance, Hogan.
493
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:13,115
Why don't you have one
494
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,950
and tell me
what we should do?
495
00:17:14,991 --> 00:17:16,243
Dr. von Schramm,
of course!
496
00:17:16,284 --> 00:17:17,452
Of course!
497
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:19,830
Who's Dr. von Schramm?
498
00:17:19,871 --> 00:17:21,415
I read
about the doctor--
499
00:17:21,456 --> 00:17:24,042
the most famous psychiatrist
in all of Germany.
500
00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:25,585
You are German,
aren't you?
501
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:28,296
What does a psychiatrist
have to do with Schultz?
502
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,632
The doctor does miracles
with hypnosis--
503
00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:32,551
creates an entire
new personality.
504
00:17:32,592 --> 00:17:34,845
Operator, get me
Dr. von Schramm in Bremerheim.
505
00:17:34,886 --> 00:17:36,304
May I use your phone,
Colonel?
506
00:17:36,304 --> 00:17:37,472
Oh, ja, ja, ja.
507
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:39,766
I do hope the doctor makes
prison camp calls.
508
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,017
Dr. von Schramm...
509
00:17:41,059 --> 00:17:42,269
just a moment, please.
510
00:17:42,310 --> 00:17:43,520
Colonel Klink calling.
511
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,438
( whispers ):
Try to sound important.
512
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:50,610
Hallo, this is
Colonel Klink speaking of Stalag 13.
513
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:52,154
Ja.
514
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:53,864
That's right,
that's the place.
515
00:17:53,905 --> 00:17:55,282
Ja.
516
00:17:55,323 --> 00:17:56,575
The doctor's
heard of me.
517
00:17:56,616 --> 00:17:57,993
Very impressed.
518
00:17:58,034 --> 00:17:59,494
Ja, ja.
519
00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:02,289
Oh, I would hardly
call myself a war hero.
520
00:18:02,330 --> 00:18:04,124
"Unsung" is more like it.
521
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:05,500
Ja.
522
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,296
Doctor, I have a problem
with one of my key men,
523
00:18:09,337 --> 00:18:11,631
and I wonder
if you could help me.
524
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:13,717
Yes, I realize you're a little
out of the way, but, uh...
525
00:18:13,758 --> 00:18:17,387
( with feminine German accent ):
As a matter of fact, it isn't, Colonel.
526
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,514
I expect to be
in your area all day.
527
00:18:19,514 --> 00:18:22,851
One of our Gestapo officers
is showing signs of decency.
528
00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:24,603
Obviously insane.
529
00:18:24,644 --> 00:18:27,147
What are you going to do
to me, Frau Doktor?
530
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:31,193
I want you to look
at this pendant.
531
00:18:33,653 --> 00:18:37,032
Watch it swing
back and forth,
532
00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:39,534
back and forth.
533
00:18:39,534 --> 00:18:41,995
Your eyes are closing.
534
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:44,164
Let them close.
535
00:18:44,205 --> 00:18:47,876
Just drift off
into a deep sleep.
536
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:50,045
He'll be completely...
537
00:18:52,255 --> 00:18:53,632
Colonel Klink.
538
00:18:53,673 --> 00:18:54,883
Colonel Klink!
539
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:56,635
( grunts )
540
00:18:56,676 --> 00:18:59,095
Oh, sorry,
I must have dozed off.
541
00:18:59,137 --> 00:19:00,972
Did I miss anything?
542
00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:04,726
I am about to give him
a posthypnotic suggestion.
543
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:07,270
He'll be a new man
when he awakes.
544
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:10,565
Sergeant Schultz,
can you hear me?
545
00:19:10,565 --> 00:19:14,903
Yes, you said I'm going
to be a new man when I awaken.
546
00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:16,738
Am I asleep?
547
00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:19,240
Certainly you are asleep.
548
00:19:19,282 --> 00:19:23,244
You're in a very deep,
deep hypnotic sleep.
549
00:19:23,244 --> 00:19:25,246
Jawohl,Frau Doktor.
550
00:19:25,288 --> 00:19:26,122
( snaps fingers )
551
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:29,959
Fantastic.
552
00:19:30,001 --> 00:19:32,128
Believe me, Colonel,
553
00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:35,090
he'll never be
the same man again.
554
00:19:35,131 --> 00:19:38,635
And if you're not amazed
at the results,
555
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:42,097
then my name is not
Brunhilde von Schramm.
556
00:19:47,435 --> 00:19:54,275
Sergeant Schultz, you are
ruthless, you are fearless,
557
00:19:54,275 --> 00:19:56,945
you are
a leader of men.
558
00:19:59,155 --> 00:20:01,366
CARTER:
Roll call, Colonel.
559
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:05,453
All right, fellas,
you know what to do.
560
00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:06,663
KINCH:
Don't worry, Colonel.
561
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:07,956
We'll make Schultz
look great.
562
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,624
Newkirk, did you round up
all the goodies?
563
00:20:09,624 --> 00:20:10,625
Done, sir.
564
00:20:10,625 --> 00:20:11,710
All right.
565
00:20:11,751 --> 00:20:14,295
Let's go out and prove
that Dr. von Schramm
566
00:20:14,337 --> 00:20:16,381
is the greatest hypnotist
of all time.
567
00:20:18,299 --> 00:20:19,467
Line up,
line up.
568
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:20,552
Okay, Schultz!
569
00:20:20,593 --> 00:20:21,678
We're not deaf.
570
00:20:21,719 --> 00:20:22,804
Give us half a chance,
571
00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:23,888
will you, big fella?
572
00:20:23,930 --> 00:20:26,349
You're a real tiger this
morning, aren't you, Schultz?
573
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:27,475
I mean, Sergeant Schultz.
574
00:20:29,310 --> 00:20:30,520
Real tiger?
575
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:33,106
Don't tell me you're starting
to take this war seriously.
576
00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:34,732
Don't argue with him,
just obey him.
577
00:20:34,774 --> 00:20:36,025
We know you're a sergeant.
578
00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:38,403
You don't have to start
acting like one, do you?
579
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:41,739
Maybe it's about time
I do act like one!
580
00:20:41,781 --> 00:20:43,950
Attention!
581
00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:46,119
Straighten up, everybody!
582
00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,663
Next thing you know,
he'll want to inspect the barracks.
583
00:20:48,663 --> 00:20:51,749
That's exactly
what I'm going to do
584
00:20:51,791 --> 00:20:54,169
right after roll call.
585
00:20:54,169 --> 00:20:56,337
Eyes front!
586
00:20:56,379 --> 00:20:57,672
That's Hogan's barracks.
587
00:20:57,714 --> 00:20:59,507
The prisoners are
30 seconds early.
588
00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:01,050
What of it?
589
00:21:01,092 --> 00:21:03,011
Oh, they've never
been early before.
590
00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:05,930
As a matter of fact, they've
never been on time before.
591
00:21:05,972 --> 00:21:07,515
This is a big event.
592
00:21:07,557 --> 00:21:11,477
Klink, I'm sure this is
a proud moment in your military career.
593
00:21:11,519 --> 00:21:12,979
Thank you, sir.
594
00:21:13,021 --> 00:21:16,649
If you got me up just for that,
it is also the end of it.
595
00:21:16,691 --> 00:21:20,278
What is that fathead Schultz
doing out there?
596
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,739
KLINK:
Being the good German soldier he once was.
597
00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:26,242
General Burkhalter, there
is an old Prussian saying:
598
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:29,871
"A soldier is only as good
as the officer he serves."
599
00:21:29,871 --> 00:21:32,207
Do you think
we created a monster?
600
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:35,001
Who was talking?
601
00:21:35,043 --> 00:21:37,295
The one
who was talking
602
00:21:37,337 --> 00:21:39,714
will take
one step forward!
603
00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:48,014
( chuckles quietly )
604
00:21:48,056 --> 00:21:50,892
Everybody was talking,
605
00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:54,896
so everybody will do
some walking.
606
00:21:54,979 --> 00:21:58,274
There will be one hour
close-order drill
607
00:21:58,316 --> 00:22:00,985
right after barrack inspection!
608
00:22:01,027 --> 00:22:04,280
Yes, I think
we have created a monster.
609
00:22:04,322 --> 00:22:07,283
General Burkhalter,
I found these things
610
00:22:07,325 --> 00:22:09,035
hidden in the barracks
611
00:22:09,077 --> 00:22:11,162
during my
expert inspection.
612
00:22:11,204 --> 00:22:14,248
What have we here?
613
00:22:14,290 --> 00:22:17,585
Well, very fine cigars.
614
00:22:17,585 --> 00:22:20,380
Knowing that the general
smoked cigars,
615
00:22:20,421 --> 00:22:22,382
I thought
you might try some
616
00:22:22,423 --> 00:22:24,175
to see if they are real.
617
00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:25,843
They could be anything--
618
00:22:25,885 --> 00:22:28,179
saw blades, files,
secret messages.
619
00:22:28,221 --> 00:22:30,181
I'll check them out
immediately.
620
00:22:30,223 --> 00:22:32,183
That's using
your head, Schultz.
621
00:22:32,225 --> 00:22:33,768
Thank you, General.
622
00:22:33,768 --> 00:22:34,852
What have we here?
623
00:22:34,894 --> 00:22:35,895
Cheese?
624
00:22:35,937 --> 00:22:37,855
Knowing what a gourmet
the general is...
625
00:22:37,897 --> 00:22:39,232
I'll take it.
626
00:22:39,273 --> 00:22:41,985
Yeah, why don't
you check it out at lunch?
627
00:22:42,026 --> 00:22:45,279
Yes, General,
why don't you take the whole carton?
628
00:22:45,279 --> 00:22:48,449
The general can check
the brandy after dinner,
629
00:22:48,449 --> 00:22:51,619
and Mrs. Burkhalter can
wear the silk stockings
630
00:22:51,661 --> 00:22:53,287
to see if they are real.
631
00:22:53,287 --> 00:22:54,622
You have
a good man here, Klink.
632
00:22:54,622 --> 00:22:55,623
One of the best!
633
00:22:55,623 --> 00:22:56,624
Yeah, he said
he was going
634
00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:57,959
to search
the barracks every week.
635
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,085
I did?
636
00:22:59,127 --> 00:23:01,295
Yes, and I resent it.
637
00:23:01,379 --> 00:23:04,006
You've got
an excellent idea, Sergeant.
638
00:23:04,048 --> 00:23:06,175
No telling
what you might find.
639
00:23:06,217 --> 00:23:08,010
Jawohl, General!
640
00:23:08,052 --> 00:23:10,972
I'll send you a list
of things to look for.
641
00:23:11,013 --> 00:23:12,598
What about his transfer?
642
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,475
Nonsense.
643
00:23:14,517 --> 00:23:17,729
You would transfer
a fine soldier like him?
644
00:23:17,770 --> 00:23:20,982
Remember we old Prussians
have always said,
645
00:23:20,982 --> 00:23:25,445
"An officer is only as good
as the soldier who serves him."
646
00:23:25,486 --> 00:23:26,988
Oh, no, thanks, sir.
647
00:23:27,029 --> 00:23:28,906
That might be
the one that explodes.
648
00:23:36,622 --> 00:23:38,583
SCHULTZ:
Raus, everybody! Raus!
649
00:23:38,624 --> 00:23:41,043
I need four volunteers
for work detail!
650
00:23:41,085 --> 00:23:42,295
You must
be kidding.
651
00:23:42,336 --> 00:23:43,504
We'll find
you some.
652
00:23:43,546 --> 00:23:45,381
I think
I found them already--
653
00:23:45,423 --> 00:23:47,925
you, you, you and... you.
654
00:23:48,009 --> 00:23:48,885
Oh,
shove off.
655
00:23:48,926 --> 00:23:50,678
We just got finished
with a work detail!
656
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:51,804
That's why I picked you,
657
00:23:51,846 --> 00:23:53,181
because I need
experienced men.
658
00:23:53,181 --> 00:23:54,223
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
659
00:23:54,265 --> 00:23:55,224
That's a good one.
660
00:23:55,266 --> 00:23:56,350
All right,
wait a minute.
661
00:23:56,350 --> 00:23:57,477
Wait a minute,
Schultz.
662
00:23:57,518 --> 00:23:59,604
According to the
rules of the Geneva Convention...
663
00:23:59,645 --> 00:24:00,897
Oh, don't give me any rules,
664
00:24:00,938 --> 00:24:02,857
because I do not know
how to play the game.
665
00:24:02,857 --> 00:24:04,567
Schultz, these men
are exhausted.
666
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:06,903
I won't allow
them to do any more work today.
667
00:24:06,986 --> 00:24:09,197
You don't expect me
to unload the supplies
668
00:24:09,238 --> 00:24:10,990
for the officers' club
by myself.
669
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:12,158
Supplies?
670
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,534
That's different.
671
00:24:13,576 --> 00:24:14,869
All right,
come on, fellas.
672
00:24:15,036 --> 00:24:16,329
Let's get going.
673
00:24:16,370 --> 00:24:17,538
You rested long enough.
674
00:24:17,580 --> 00:24:19,165
Thank you.
675
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:20,875
Thank you, Colonel.
676
00:24:20,875 --> 00:24:22,376
Colonel, maybe later on,
677
00:24:22,376 --> 00:24:24,420
we could have
a little snack, huh?
678
00:24:24,462 --> 00:24:26,047
That's fine, Schultz,
but I'm afraid
679
00:24:26,047 --> 00:24:27,590
I don't have
any more pumpernickel.
680
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:30,218
( chuckling ):
I got the last one,
681
00:24:30,218 --> 00:24:32,303
but this time,
I did not sit on it.
682
00:24:32,345 --> 00:24:34,055
I kept it right
here... ( pop )
683
00:24:34,105 --> 00:24:38,655
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