All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s05e17 Fat Hermann, Go Home.eng

( theme music playing )

According to what we got
by shortwave--

and check me on this
as I go, huh, Kinch?...

Right, Colonel.

The train started out
from here three days ago.

And this
is Carinhall,

the estate of
Reichsmarschall Hermann Göring,

head of the Luftwaffe,

second in command
to Hitler,

owner of the greatest
art collection--

public or private--
in the history of the world.

Let's here it
for Fat Hermann.

Now, when things
were going good,

the Nazis brought
the art collection

to Carinhall
by the trainload.

Now, they're
taking it out by the trainload.

Where to, Colonel?

We don't know, but
undoubtedly to hide it.

Well, the train
was headed

in the direction of
these mountains down here.

If they maintain
this direction,

another day should
find them passing very close to...

Stalag 13.

HOGAN:
Right.

Well, it's simple,
Colonel.

A couple of my specials
on that track

and then, bam,
a gentle rain of Rembrandts

all over the countryside.

Carter...

I'm just throwing it out
for discussion.

Shh, Schultz's coming.

Colonel Hogan,
Colonel Hogan,

you will never believe me

what wonderful honor
has been paid to me

by what terribly
important person--

never, never.

I give up, Schultz.
What?

I can't tell you.
Good.

Always nice talking
to you, Schultz.

Now, if you'll
just come back anytime next month,

we'll start in right
where we left off.

It begins with "Hermann."

Is that the honor
or the person?

The honor
has been paid to me

to conduct
an august person

from Hammelburg
to Stalag 13.

And nobody deserves
it more, Schultz.

Now, it's always
nice talking to you.

Chief Forester
of the Third Reich,

Director of
the State Theater and Opera,

Hunting Master of Germany,

victorious commander of
the glorious Luftwaffe and...

Göring?

SCHULTZ:
My lips are sealed.

Göring... coming here?

Why would he
be coming here?

Well, it is a Luftwaffe
prison camp, Colonel.

Yeah, small potatoes.

I don't get it.

Well,
maybe Hermann's cracking up.

Schultz, you sure
he asked for you personally?

Me personally,
Sergeant Schultz,

special and sole
guard of honor!

He's cracking up.

WOMAN ( in Russian accent ):
Come in.

Sergeant Schultz reporting
Herr Reichsmarschall!

How darling of you, Schultz.

Herr Reichs... marschall.

Ah, he is sleeping.

( softly ):
Oh...

Oh, I beg
the Reichsmarschall's pardon.

Oh, please, will you convey
to the Reichsmarschall--

when he wakes up,
of course--

that I had
no intention...

Talk normally!

You would not awaken
Hermann with a club.

Drink, Schultz?

I'm on duty.

So?

So, I have a small one.

( chuckles softly )

You're surprised
to see me here, Schultz?

I would most definitely say...
yes and no.

And how is
my dear Commandant Klink?

And my small one, LeBeau?

And... Colonel Hogan.

All are in excellent health...

Fräulein... uh, Frau?

Marya!

Frau Göring we left at home.

She's not much fun on a trip.

Just like my wife.

Sit down, Schultz.

To the war!

May the better side win.

My point
of view exactly.

You and Hermann, you
have much in common.

I always consider

that on the question
of strategy

in the air war,

Reichsmarschall Göring
and myself...

You're both fat.

Excellent observation.

His uniform
will fit you perfectly.

His uniform?

Or at least as well
as it fits him.

While I'm not very good
in declining honors--

I haven't got too much
practice in it--

I feel
that in this case...

Sit down, Schultz.

Why not?

Schultz, Hermann,
in his position,

has had to step
on certain toes, you understand.

Go on anyway.

And he was paranoid
to start with.

Therefore, when he makes
a public entrance,

he prefers a double
to do it for him.

Very good thinking.

Therefore, when he
enters Stalag 13, it will be you.

Hermann will
follow quietly.

I will be him?

Exactly.

I will be
Reichsmarschall Göring?!

You will
never regret it...

unless
someone shoots you.

Attention!

Reichsmarschall Göring
has just entered the area.

I want to see every man
standing like a statue.

Attention!

Attention!

Welcome to...

You will forgive us,
Klink, darling.

Hermann wants to take me
to your quarters at once.

Who knows why?

Driver!

Hogan, I don't
understand it.

I thought he was coming
to inspect the camp.

He might get
around to it.

And that woman,
the Russian,

every time she shows up
there's trouble.

Why don't you have
a man-to-man talk with him, sir?

With the Reichsmarschall?

Are you out
of your mind, Hogan?

I don't know...
I think I might be.

The train's headed this way,

then Göring shows up,
with Marya.

Why?

It could be they
plan to hide all the stuff here.

Could be.

What's
Marya's part in it?

Above reproach.

Or below.

One of the two.

Okay, I don't like it,

but we've got
a train to catch,

so we'll have
to grab Göring.

We're going
to kidnap Göring?

Anybody got a better way?

Come in, Hogan, darling.

All right,
where is he?

In there, asleep.

Check it.

He's a good sleeper, too.

Oh-ho...
you're so handsome

in your little mask.

And you are
so beautiful.

All right, all right,
hold it.

Talk to me as he does,
Hogan, darling.

I would melt.

Later.

We've come
for your boyfriend,

which you
apparently expected.

Would you remove
your mask, Hogan, darling?

It has been so long.

You don't seem
to understand.

We're not here
for small talk.

We came to kidnap Hitler's
second in command.

Take off your mask
or I shall scream!

Mmm...

And my small one.

But of course.

Me, too?

Put it back.

Uh, sure.

All right,
watch the door.

Mmm...

together again...

in love again.

perfect.

Not exactly.

Oh...

Try to get a grip
on reality.

We're here
to take Göring,

and when the Nazis find out
we've got him,

the whole roof
is going to cave in,

which puts all of us--
you included--

in the worst spot in our lives.

All of this just for
a trainload of secondhand art?

You know about the train?

Figures.

It is really a terrible plan,
Hogan, darling.

Suppose you force Hermann
to bring the train here.

How do you get it
out of Germany?

We're working on that.

And what happens
to the operation

here at Stalag 13?

You will kidnap
a Reichsmarschall

and go on with
business as usual?

I doubt it very much.

Really, Hogan, darling, you've
been too long without a woman.

Your brain has softened.

Hermann!

Come out, Hermann.

We have company.

Did someone call?

Schultz?

Ja, it's... it's Schultz!

Tell them it's Schultz!

Who are you?

All right,
what's the game?

Where's Göring?

Who knows?

I never met him.

You see,
she is innocent.

All right,
knock it off.

Uh, Colonel Hogan, please,
may I point out

that prisoners of war
are not supposed to be

out of their barracks
after sunset?

No, you may not point it out.

Just a thought.

All right, all right,
what's going on here?

Hogan, darling,
might it not be easier

to get the train with a fake
Göring than the real one?

Hmm?

Yeah...

( gulps )

I hear nothing.

I see nothing.

Nothing!

Nothing!

Would you believe it
that Sergeant Schultz has chosen

this particular time
to go over the hill?

Schultz AWOL--
shocking, sir.

Well, you may call it
"absent without leave,"

I call it
"desertion under fire."

And, uh... that woman.

( chuckles ironically )

There I'm with you.

He's got a perfectly
nice wife.

Mm-hmm.

Fine house,
great art collection.

Why does he get
mixed up with her?

Personally, I think
that that woman is...

Ah! Good morning.

Good morning,
how wonderful to see you.

You entertain prisoners

in your private
office, Klink?

Oh, uh, Colonel Hogan
was just leaving--

uh, routine business.

Dismissed, Hogan.

Of course, sir.

What is that, Klink?

A white glove?

Schmutz.

It is rather
dirty at that.

But, you can assure
Reichsmarschall Göring

when he comes here
on his inspection trip

that there
will not be

as much as
a speck of dust--

and get off
my desk, Hogan.

Oh.

The Reichsmarschall
is not here to inspect--

lucky for you, Klink.

Lucky for me, yes.

However, might I inquire
what his mission is?

Of course, if it's personal,
I wouldn't possibly...

Are we to share
the deepest secrets

of the Third Reich
with a prisoner?

Of course not.

Hogan, out! Now!

Let him stay.

He will be part
of the work detail.

Work detail?

To bring in the paintings
and statuary.

What did I ever see
in you, Hogan?

You never told me.

Um, excuse me.

Uh... paintings?

Statuary?

And rugs.

Lots of rugs.

I don't understand.

Should I understand?

There will be
a train, Klink,

reaching the station
near here

very soon.

Blech.

You will send out orders

in the name of
Reichsmarschall Göring

that the contents
of the train are

to be brought here
for storage.

They are priceless.

Certainly not your eyes,
they are ordinary.

I cannot remember.

You'll think of it.

But priceless art objects?

A whole train,
to be brought here?

Give them better care
than your desk,

huh, Klink?

Come on, Hogan.

Must have been something.

We will talk about it.

Oh, Hogan?

How am I to hide
a whole trainload?

How?

Well, I could use
a new rug

for my office, sir--
say, 4 x 5.

16th-century Persian
would be nice.

Quickly now, quickly.

And carefully,
most carefully, huh?

Colonel Klink?

Hogan, I'm busy.
Later.

This is a formal
protest, sir.

The Geneva Convention
states explicitly

a prisoner-of-war camp
is not to be used

for any other purpose.

Colonel Hogan,
given a choice

between obeying
the Geneva Convention

and obeying
Reichsmarschall Göring,

I know what to do.

It's your decision,
sir.

I just hope
you don't get hurt too badly

in the power struggle.

W-What power struggle?

Göring/Hitler.

It could pay off
like a jackpot for you--

if your side wins.

Ah, I'm taking
no sides.

I am completely loyal.

To everyone.

Of course you are.

And good luck to you,
sir.

Hogan...

All right, Kinch,
cover us, huh?

Open it up
and let's get going.

( knocking )

All right, now,
just the paintings, huh?

HOGAN:
And when you get down below,

get it out
of the frames, huh? Too bulky.

Kinch, confirm with London

about the planes
for tonight, huh?

Right after dark,
right, Colonel.

All right. Carter, that's
when you stage your attack.

You want me to make
that sound

like a battalion
or a regiment?

Battalion's fine.

Newkirk and LeBeau,
help him out.

Right.

No problem, sir.

No problem at all.

Just wait awhile.

Klink, you are
a traitor!

I assure you,
Major Hochstetter,

I have done nothing--
nothing.

A train robbery
of art objects worth untold millions?

That is nothing
in your life?

Major Hochstetter,
I explained that to you.

I was given orders by
Reichsmarschall Göring himself.

You will not lie to me!

Of course not,
Major Hochstetter.

To anyone else, yes.

But to the Gestapo, no.

Never.

That is much better,
Klink.

After all, we are both
on the same side, no?

We should be friends,
huh?

Why not?

Of course,
Major Hochstetter.

Some of
my best friends...

I mean, some of my dearest
friends are Gestapo.

Who?

Who.

Well, there's, uh...

And then there's, uh...

Oh, what does
that matter, Klink?

You lied again, huh?

( both laughing )

You caught me again.

But never
in the big things.

Silence!

Why did you rob
that train?

I told you,
Major Hochstetter,

Reichsmarschall Göring
told me to.

Face-to-face?

Not exactly.

It was relayed to me
by the Russian woman.

Klink, has it somehow
escaped your vigilance

that we are fighting
the Russians?

Major Hochstetter,
nothing escapes me.

Nothing.

I believe she was
a White Russian.

Ooh, a White Russian.

So that when
a White Russian tells you

to hold up a train,
you do it, huh?

Not always.

Klink!

HOCHSTETTER ( on radio ):
You will stop this childish storytelling and now.

KLINK ( on radio ):
Any time you say, Major Hochstetter.

Any time.

Why'd he have to show up?

What now, Colonel?

Well, in about two minutes

they're going to be
on their way

to inspect
Reichsmarschall Göring.

Schultz?

I don't think
he's going to pass inspection.

What happens
to Marya?

Never mind that.
What happens to us?

Nothing good
unless we move fast.

Carter, get outside,
start the attack.

Yes, sir.

Kinch, stay in radio contact
with the planes.

If they don't get
a landing signal,

tell them to get out of here
and fast.

LeBeau and Newkirk,
go with Carter.

What about you,
sir?

I'm on my way
to Klink's quarters

and don't ask me why
because I don't know.

No, no, no, no!

Have I ever steered
you wrong, Schultz?

Look at you.

Have you ever lived so well
in all your life?

Never!

But I'd rather be
a live sergeant

than a dead
Reichsmarschall.

How'd you like to be
a dead sergeant?

What do...

What do you mean
by that?

You're going
to tell Hochstetter the whole truth.

Completely.

That you're only
filling in for Hermann

till Hermann gets here.

By direct orders of
Reichsmarschall Göring himself.

Where did you get that idea?

From you, yesterday.

It's true.

Look, Schultz,
if you can't convince us,

what chance have you got
with the Gestapo?

Look, Colonel Hogan,
I have done nothing.

I ate a little bit,

I drank a little bit
champagne.

I have done nothing.

Schultz, we're only trying
to help you.

We don't care
what you've done.

Thank you,
Colonel Hogan...

How are you going
to help me?

Just be Fat Hermann
for five minutes longer.

What's that?

Nothing-- nothing at all.

And if I refuse?

Then I'm afraid you're stuck
with a very weak story

and I'd have to advise you
to plead guilty.

Colonel Hogan...

Now go in there, Schultz--
I mean Hermann--

and put on
a lot of shaving cream.

You're going to need it.

( whining ):
Oh, Colonel Hogan...

Oh, boy.

But Hogan darling,
things are going beautifully.

What do you consider bad?

You're too modest.

Your ideas are
always marvelous.

My idea?

This whole miserable scheme
was yours from the beginning.

True.

Which is why it is
so generous of me to insist

on only
one planeload.

One planeload of what?

Of paintings
to go to Russia.

How am I going
to do that?

They already have
their orders.

You will talk
to London, Hogan darling,

and you do need
my cooperation.

Why you...

Say it, Hogan darling,
say it.

Ah.

Commandant Klink
and Major Hochstetter.

Did Hermann send
for you?

A thousand pardons
for the intrusion.

I just wanted
to make sure

that you had
everything you needed.

That is not
the reason, Klink.

What is this man
doing here?

Hogan?

Oh, I assure you,
Major Hochstetter that...

Hogan, what are
you doing here?

Pouring champagne.

He's pouring champagne,
Major Hochstetter.

What is he doing here?!

This camp is commanded
by Russians and prisoners.

You do get right
to the heart of things, Major.

I will get to more
than that--

you are all
under arrest

for high treason
and train robbery.

Major Hochstetter,
I assure you

this can all be
cleared up

with just one word
from Reichsmarschall Göring.

Ah! Reichsmarschall
Göring is not here.

He never was here,

and tomorrow,
neither will you be.

Take them away!

Hogan!

Frau whatever-
your-name-is,

do something.

Hermann, darling, are you free?

I order champagne,

it takes five waiters
to bring one bottle.

Out!

Of course, Herr Reichsmarschall.

Anything you say,
Herr Reichsmarschall.

Who is this waiter?

Colonel Klink, your excellency,
welcoming you to Stalag 13.

A pigpen!

Out!

( chuckles nervously )

Pigpen.

Marvelous description,
Herr Reichsmarschall.

You coming, Hochstetter?

One minute.

You understand the Gestapo
keeps track of everyone.

Just an hour ago

we had
a Reichsmarschall Göring at Carinhall,

now we have one here.

There is perhaps some
simple explanation, huh?

I doubt it very much.

Aha!

By which Hermann means

he has not the time
to give explanations.

Does he have time, Hogan?

One can but hope.

What is this man
doing here?!

Arrest everybody!

( gunfire outside )

What is that?

It sounds
like gunfire.

It's an attack.

Call out the guards!

Call out the guards!

( alarm ringing )

NEWKIRK ( softly ):
The plane takes off in two minutes.

( alarm continues ringing )

Hurry, keep it moving.

Sounds like partisans, Major.

Here to collect
some artwork, maybe.

We will wipe them out.

Come, Klink.

Uh, Major Hochstetter,
I think I'd better stay here

and protect
the Reichsmarschall.

Come!

Raus.

To the victory,
Hogan darling, of the partisans.

Colonel Hogan,
what is happening?

It's hard to predict
these things, Schultz.

They may break into camp
far enough

to get away with
some of the paintings.

Oh, no, not that.

And with all this
going on,

Göring isn't likely
to pay us a visit.

Who would?

Which releases you
for active duty,

so you can change uniforms
and join the fighting.

Gladly.

Right after I shave.

( explosions continue )

Ah...

Why do you constantly
fight me, Hogan darling,

when the result is
always so perfect?

Why?

Self-preservation.

No! No! No!

Berlin must have
better answers than this

or heads will roll.

Art masterpieces
worth millions missing.

Was Göring here
or was he not, huh?

A night attack in which
we suffer six wounded

because they shoot
at each other.

Major Hochstetter,
may I point out to you

that my record is
still quite clear.

In spite of the attack,

not one, single prisoner
is missing.

What do I care?

Let them all escape.

Where are the paintings?

If I may, Major...

Uh, it seems to me
they're gone for good.

Best organized attack
I've ever seen.

Berlin should be pretty happy

with you saving
the rest of that stuff.

It took courage, sir.

Did I ask for
your opinion, Hogan?

No, sir, but I think
you're making a mistake

in not blowing
your own horn.

So? And what
shall I report about Göring, huh?

Was he or was he not?

I think you're right

in staying away
from that whole area, sir.

How can I stay away
from it?

Why should I?

It's touchy.

Commandant Klink
has a feeling

that Göring may have
been here to organize

a base against
the Führer.

I do?

You know these
high-level power struggles.

They're tricky

unless you're
really sure of your ground.

Hogan, are you suggesting
that nothing should be done

about any of these
outrageous events?

Mind like
a steel trap, sir.

Or in other words,

all is well
that ends well.

( growls )

Major Hochstetter,
may I say

it was a great pleasure
working with you.

And you will give
my personal regards

to Reichsführer Himmler?

( growls )

Raus!

And I'm giving you 30 days
solitary confinement

for being absent
without leave.

How could this
happen to me?

We'll make it
up to you, Schultz.

How about a painting?

Oh, please.

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