All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s05e16 Get Fit or Go Fight.eng

( theme song playing )

Oh, I'm sorry you can't
stay longer, liebchen.

So am I, but General
Burkhalter needs me

and I don't have the heart
to disappoint him.

Of course not.

How often does the general
come to you for advice?

Almost every day.

I finally said
to Burkhalter--

"Albert," I said,

"I'm only going to see you
once every week."

He has to learn to make
his own decisions.

You should be the general
instead of him.

Oh, that's so true.

You know, it's not
what you know,

it's who you know.

These boys polish the car
every time I come to see you.

Hero worship.

Did you hear that,
Schultz?

The boys think
I'm a hero.

The joke is on them,
Herr Kommandant.

I don't think
it's that funny.

Jawohl.

In fact, it is not funny at all.

I'll see you Thursday, Greta.

Auf weidersehen.

Schultz!

Finished?

So soon?

Have a pleasant
time, sir?

This car was cleaned
before we left town.

But you did drive
back with it, sir? Yes.

In this same car?
Of course.

There's your answer.

I don't remember
asking you a question.

Your car will be clean
as a Dutch oven.

Just take a few minutes.

LeBeau, did you wipe off
those hubcaps?

Inside and out, Colonel.

It's the little things

that make our work
distinctive, sir.

Right, LeBeau?

Right, sir.

When we do a job,
there is no detail

too small to
be overlooked.

Now you can use it
on either eye, sir.

Yeah.

Wow, they covered the entire
German coast defense.

Troop concentration,
gun placements, the works.

Nice bit of gossip
to pass on to London.

Oh, the film was wrapped
in this note.

I think it's important.

Did you read it?

Well, it was addressed

"To whom it may concern,"

and since I was,
I did.

( whistles )

Yeah, that's exactly
what I said.

Well, that's not
exactly what I said.

Actually, I said...

( wolf whistle )

LeBEAU:
Carter.

What's the message,
Colonel?

Tomorrow they'll have locations
of the new J-4 rocket bases.

But they've got to be picked up
no later than Friday.

They're closing down.

Those guys are magicians.

That's been a top-priority
job for months.

The new underground
unit is sharp.

Bloody lucky their people
are there working with us.

We're bloody lucky to have
Colonel Klink with us.

His spare tire
made it all possible.

It's an outrage!

Over 200 escapes from
our prison camps this year.

It's an outrage.

More than we have ever

had before in all
the years combined.

And the year isn't
even over yet.

That's funny to you?

Funny? No, it's not funny.
It's an outrage.

Then why are you grinning
like a baboon?

Oh, it isn't because
of the escapes, sir.

I was just thinking
how pleased you must be

about my no-escape record.

That's why I was grinning
like a baboon.

Klink!

I didn't come here to listen

to you talk about yourself.

Now shut up, sit
down and listen!

Now, Klink, who is to blame
for these escapes?

The prisoners
who escape

are to blame
for the escapes.

No. The Kommandant.

Of course.

Far be it from me to criticize
my fellow officers.

I mean the Kommandant must be
all things at all times.

Ah, how well
I remember

when I took command
here at Stalag 13...

Klink.

You were saying?

It seems that some
of our Kommandants

have become playboys.

They have turned their stalags
into summer camps.

Outrageous.

They sit around all day,
drinking their schnapps.

Well, the party's over.

These playboys are in
for a big surprise.

Good. What have we got
planned for them?

A thorough physical
for each officer.

Those who don't pass
will be sent away

for a two-month
toughening up course.

Sent away where?

To the Russian front,
where else?

Seems to get
marvelous results.

A few days there
and you're a different man.

So I've heard.

What do you think
of the idea, Klink?

I like it. I like it.

That's fine.

Your examination will be
one week from today.

My examination?

But, General Burkhalter,
there's nothing wrong with me.

Then you have nothing
to worry about, Klink.

One week from today, 10:00.

Have you ever heard
such a thing?

Kommandant, I have heard,
nothing... nothing!

You weren't standing
outside with your ear against the door?

Yes, but I fell asleep.

General Burkhalter's having
all Kommandants take a physical.

And I'm afraid some
of them will end up

at the Russian front.

Aw, but you don't have
to worry, Kommandant--

you won't pass.

If I don't,
I'll end up there.

And guess what fat sergeant
will be carrying my snowshoes?

Why won't I pass?

Aw, Kommandant, please.

You were living it up,

dancing and drinking
every night.

Herr Kommandant,
you are a wreck!

I passed my last physical.

Yeah, if you remember, you
had to give the doctor

a case of schnapps,

and a dozen pair
of nylon stockings.

Hi, Schultz.

Halt. Who goes there?

The Kaiser.

Oh, jolly joke.

Why the armed guard?

Orders by the Kommandant.

He's in there.

He does not want
to be disturbed.

He gave me orders to shoot
anyone who tries to go in.

( loud thump )

KLINK:
Help! What's that?

I think the Kommandant
was yelling something.

Kommandant?

( groaning )

What are you trying to do?

Right now I am just
trying to breathe.

Schultz, get this off me.

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

I just tripped, that's all.

( gasps )

I shouldn't have handed
you this heavy weight.

I wasn't thinking.

That's the way
I took them.

Now you get back
to your post

and don't mention
this to a soul.

Yes, Herr Kommandant,
I'll say nothing. Nothing.

Uh, Schultz?

Oh, yeah.

( sighs )

Here, let me pour
you some water.

Never mind. I'm capable
of pouring my own water.

I know you are, sir.

It's just that your hands
were trembling.

I, uh, take it all this
has to do with

General Burkhalter's
visit, huh?

All of what?

Kommandant,
we've been together

quite a while, haven't we?

Yes, we have.

You'd never find an enemy
truer than I've been?

You're tops, Hogan.

I'd never say anything
to spare your feelings?

That's right.

All right, what's
all this about?

What's all what about?

Kommandant, you're answering

a question with a question.

I know you're
hiding something.

Who's answering a question
with a question?

All right, I'm sorry
for disturbing you.

I'm glad everything's all right.

Hogan.

Yes, sir?

Hogan, I want you to be
absolutely honest.

Now, tell me the truth
even if it hurts.

You know I'll be as
brutal as possible, sir.

What kind of condition
am I in?

Now look as long
as you like

and take your time
before you answer.

I've seen enough.

Thanks, Hogan.
You've been a big help.

You wanted me
to be honest.

I'm scheduled to take
a physical next week,

and if I don't pass it,
there's a good chance

that I'll be sent
to the Russian front.

You're kidding me.

( chuckling ):
You must be kidding.

You're not kidding.

Look, we Germans have stopped

making Russian front
jokes last November.

Don't worry, Kommandant.

No doctor in his right mind

would send a physical wreck
like you into combat.

If I don't pass that physical,

that's exactly
where I'll end up.

That's why you're
in the gym suit.

Yes, and I'm going
to stay in it, too.

From now on, no more
going to town.

It's all work, no play,

until I pass that
physical next week.

Oh, Kommandant, a man
with your robust health.

Hmm! A minute ago
I was a wreck.

Just clowning, sir,
just clowning.

( laughing )

See, sometimes
it's best to laugh

in the face of disaster.

I see what you mean.

And sometimes when
you're facing it,

I will laugh my head off.

You want to try
the barbells again, sir?

I'm just gonna roll them away.
I'll try later.

Oh, wait, wait a
minute, Kommandant!

Oh, look at this,
look at this. No wonder.

You've got too much weight
on here.

Oh, I see.

Yeah. You're lucky
you didn't sprain your back.

( grunting loudly )

Good, good.

Yeah, that's... that's
perfect to start with.

Thank you, Hogan.

I'll, I'll go
right to work.

Yeah, but don't overdo it
the first day...

Muscles.

Colonel Hogan, how's
the Kommandant?

Schultz, I think he's...

( loud thump )
Help!

I think he's gonna need help.

Help!!

You really think old Klink
could pass a physical?

He's going to have
to think he can,

and before Friday
or no rocket locations.

Hey, LeBeau,
hurry it up.

LeBEAU:
Right away, Colonel!

Of course Klink
might surprise us.

You know, he had to be
in good condition

when he joined
the Luftwaffe.

That was a
long while back.

He goes to pot
pretty fast.

Yeah, just since
we've been here,

look how much
weight he's put on.

Look at all the hair
he's taken off.

LeBeau!

Ready, Colonel.

Look, I did a pretty good
job hollowing these out.

Uh-oh, here comes
the body beautiful.

SCHULTZ:
I heard a very funny story yesterday

all about...

No funny story, Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

It seems the weather
is getting warmer...

No weather conversation,
Schultz.

Jawohl.

( humming tune )

No humming, Schultz.

No whistling, Schultz.

What's going on there?

Achtung!
What's going on here?

The Kommandant
ordered...

Hogan, what is this?

Shh-shh!

Corporal LeBeau
is giving us

a weightlifting exhibition,
Colonel.

You-you might
be interested in this.

I understand
you lift weights.

No, I just lie under them.

LeBeau may be able
to help you, sir.

LeBeau, come here
a minute.

A little wobbly in that
200-pound press, wasn't I?

You mean you can
lift 200 pounds?

You don't lift that,
Herr Kommandant, you press.

What's the difference?

Well, if I tried
to lift 200 pounds,

I'd wind up flat
on my back.

Is that so?

Oui, I'd be off-balance.

The whole trick is in
the first movement.

I'll show you what I mean.

You start by jerking
the weights up

and getting under them
where you've got leverage.

Then you press.

( inhales deeply )

( exhales sharply )

( inhales deeply )

( gasps )

I see what
you mean now.

All right, stand
back, fellas.

Give the
Kommandant room.

Me?

I couldn't even get
it off the ground.

A bull of a man like you
could do it easy.

I mean, if I was
in your condition,

I'd be able to lift
at least 300 pounds.

Not "lifting",
"pressing."

Get it right, Hogan.

See, how quickly
you caught on, sir.

Come on, Colonel,
try it just once.

Go ahead, sir.

Go ahead, sir.

Watch it.
If anyone smiles, shoot them.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

( sniffs deeply )

Where did it go?

You're holding
it, sir.

Have you seen anything
to beat that?

I think Colonel Klink's
been kidding us all along.

Yeah, sure.

What a bunch of
patsies we are.

You can stop showing
off now, Kommandant.

Well, you sure waited
till you had a big crowd, didn't you?

It's all in
the knowing how, Hogan.

( groans )

Tens over aces.

How can you be
that lucky?

Come on, deal
the last hand.

Ridiculous.

Hey, stop fooling around,
Andrew, and play cards.

Come on, join us.

Good news, gamblers.

Just got it from Hilda.
Klink's going into town tonight.

Hey, it worked.

Like a charm.

He thinks
he's in such great shape,

he's earned some relaxation.

And when
he comes back,

he'll be bringing
the locations

of the J-4 rockets.

Champagne and hubcaps
for everybody.

Achtung! Achtung!

Ah, we can do without
the military courtesy tonight.

All of you stay seated.

As you were,
gentlemen.

A little late for you to be
up, isn't it, Kommandant?

Oh, I thought I'd
take a run into town,

let off a little steam.

You can't stay cooped up
in this place forever.

I'm beginning to feel
like I'm in a prison camp.

( laughs )

( men laughing )

Very funny.
Very funny.

Thank you, Schultz.

Yes, you're certainly in
a happy mood, Kommandant.

Oh, yes, I'm very happy.

I always say a healthy
body is a happy body.

( laughs heartily )

That was not
a joke, Schultz.

Absolutely not.

Well, after what
we saw today, sir,

I don't think that you
have any reason to worry

about a physical
examination.

Oh, there are no complaints
from a man my age.

Oh, come on, Kommandant,
you don't look old.

How... old do you think
I am, Sergeant, hmm?

Well, I-I have no idea,

but you sure
don't look it.

Take a guess.

Oh, why don't we just
wait till your birthday

and you surprise me.

Guess my age!

Yes, sir.

Well, I'm, uh...

I'm just guessing,
mind you.

Uh... 59?

59.

And you sure
don't look it.

How close was I?

You were ten years off.

You mean you're 69?!

My gosh, you really
don't look that old.

Would you guys ever think
the Kommandant was 69?

I know I never would.

I happen to be
49 years old.

49? Oh, well,
that's more like it.

And you sure
don't look it.

I know, I look 59.

Schultz, put my car away;
I'm going to bed.

I thought you were
going into town, sir.

That was ten years ago.

Hey, Kommandant,

a workout would do you
the world of good.

Yes, sir, and I
got your weights right here.

Well, there goes
the ball game.

And the location of
the bloody J-4 rockets.

Great work,
Carter.

I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm just awful
at judging ages.

I remember one
time back home...

Oh, shut up.

Any point in trying
again, Colonel?

Yeah, we got to
and by Friday.

He's got to think
he can pass that physical

or he doesn't go into town.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Aah, shut up.

Hogan, you made
a big fool out of me.

Do you know how I felt?

I was just trying
to help you, sir,

and it backfired.
I'm sorry.

Ha. Those fake barbells,

they were supposed
to help me?

That's right, we were
using basic psychology.

You are what
you think you are.

Right now,
I feel like a man

with both feet in
a pair of snowshoes.

Kommandant, stop having
such negative thinking.

The Russian front
is a very negative place.

Forget about
the Russian front.

You've got to think
positively.

For a few minutes each
day, say to yourself,

"I feel fine,
I feel good.

I feel good,
I feel fine."

Go on, try it.

I feel fine, I feel good.
I feel good, I feel fine.

Yeah. "I'm in fine health.
I'm in great shape.

I'm in great health.
I'm in fine shape."

I'm in fine shape.
I'm in great health.

I'm in great shape.

I'm in fine health.

I'm in a fine mess
and I'm in great trouble.

Colonel, you've got to be
confident, positive.

I'm confident
that I'm in a fine mess.

And I'm positive
that I'm in great trouble.

Come on, as least
give our plan a chance.

Will you, sir?

Attention!

This is your
training staff, sir.

My training
staff?

They did this
all for you.

Yes, sir, don't worry
about a thing.

We're going to get you
in tip-top shape

for that physical, sir.

Uh, I'm afraid

I don't have
enough time.

Oh, that's easy.

With our
system, you get four of us

giving you
the workout.

That means you
get four times the results

four times
as fast.

In just
four days,

you get the
equivalent

of 16 days
exercise.

And a 16-day workout

ought to put any man
into prime condition.

What do you got
to lose, sir?

Remember, sir,
a healthy body is a happy body.

I'm all yours.

You'll never
regret it, sir.

( grunting )

Oh, no, no.

Hold it, Colonel.

You're not
getting it yet.

It's a combination
of left jabs

and an overhand
right. Ooh!

( thudding )

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten...

Okay, Kommandant.

Now over on our stomach
for a couple of pushups here.

Here we go.

Ready? Begin.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, 11, 12, 13...

Relax, sir.

Come on,
that's... it.

That's it, just
let those tight arms hang loose.

( sighs )
Perfect.

All right,
now come on, relax.

Let those little
heavy legs just fall limp.

Come on.

There you go.

Just relax.

( yells in pain )

( groaning )

Your breakfast, Herr Kommandant.

Aha!

Two eggs sunny side up,
slice of ham

and six sausages,

just as you ordered.

I only ordered
three sausages.

Oh, don't worry,
Herr Kommandant.

Any leftover...

I'll handle it.
I'll handle it.

( knocking on door )

Come in, come in.

Morning, Kommandant.

Morning, Hogan.

I'm very busy.
I'm having breakfast.

Yes, you are,
sir, but not that.

What? What? What?

This is for you.

That's breakfast?

Power packed
with nutrition,

loaded with vitamins
and minerals.

Drink it down fast
before it hardens.

All right.

Mmm.

You know, Hogan,
I must admit...

I really feel good, and I...

in I don't how long.

You're a
different person.

Hey, delicious
sausages.

Mm, I really feel alive.
Really alive.

Nice to know you're
going to stay that way.

Hey, the eggs
aren't bad, either.

Well, let's get over
to the gym.

Not today.

Today I suggest
you go into town,

relax, enjoy yourself.

But my physical
is tomorrow morning.

Relaxation's just
as important

as exercise, sir.

Oh, don't worry.

I will do all the relaxing
after I've seen the doctor.

Right now I'm going over
to the gym

and work off that breakfast.

And he just won't go.

Is there any way
we can get in touch

with the underground unit?

Impossible.

No personal contact--
no radio, no telephone,

no written
correspondence.

It's the way
they operate.

The only chance we have is
if Klink goes into town today.

Yeah, he's not
going anywhere

until after he's seen
that doctor tomorrow.

Well, I guess
we've had it.

Wait a minute.
Hold it.

Suppose the doctor came today

instead of tomorrow.

Would it be possible?

And what happens

if Klink doesn't
pass the physical?

No chance.

That doctor's not going to find
a thing wrong with Klink.

Is he, Carter?

( German accent ):
Colonel Klink is the finest physical specimen

I have ever seen

in all my 30 minutes
as a doctor.

Yes, you were...

...expecting me,
weren't you, Colonel Klink?

Oh, yes. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

No, I'm sure
it was today.

However,
let me check.

Let's see.

Yes, Klink.

Klink. Klink.

Colonel Wilhelm
Klink, phys ex.

That's a
medical term

for physical
examination.

Phys ex.
Oh.

You see, "10:00 a.m.,
Thursday, the 16th."

No, I am sure
the General said Friday.

Yes, well, it doesn't
matter, does it?

Place yourself
on the table so.

Yes. Now then,

have you ever
been troubled by blurred vision,

uh, dizziness,
headaches?

No. Never.

Only occasional lapses
of memory, eh?

Open your shirt, please.

Yes, sir.

( humming )

How am I?

Well, to put it bluntly,

I would say your physical
condition is not too bad.

Not too bad?

( humming )

But if you think
it's not too bad,

then it must be good.

Not necessarily.

Then that's bad.

Not really.

But what is it,
good, bad or what?

Not too good.
Oh.

But not too bad.

I wish I hadn't asked.

What's the matter, Schultz?

There's a Major Kimmel
at the front gate

to see, uh, Colonel Klink.

Major Kimmel?

He's a medical officer.

Medical officer?

Ja. He wants to give
him his physical today

instead of tomorrow.

Schultz, I want you
to stall him for three minutes.

Then the Kommandant can see him.

Yeah, but why?

We're trying to save Klink
from the Russian front.

And if we save him...

You will save me.

Right. Now get going.

Raus, raus.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I mean, Colonel.

Oh, I don't know

what this war would be
without him.

MAN:
Sergeant, get out of my way.

Major, uh... if you give me,
uh, 37 seconds,

I can explain the whole
misunderstanding.

What misunderstanding?

The misunderstanding
we seem to be having.

I can explain
to you, Major,

if you give me,
uh, 24 seconds.

Sergeant, if you don't
get out of my way,

I shall have you
court-martialed.

Do you hear me?
Jawohl, Major!

Then step to one side.

Jawohl!

Sergeant, step aside.

Sergeant...

Now the Kommandant
will see you, Major.

Colonel Klink?

Come right in, Doctor.

I'm all ready for you.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, Kommandant.

Have a good time
in town, sir?

Oh, yes.

Ran into an old friend.

Uh-huh.
We had a few drinks.

You know how it is.

I've almost forgotten.

It's been a
long war, sir.

Hey, I like your
old friend's

shade of lipstick.

Well, anyway, uh...

no Russian front,
you passed your physical.

Oh, yes, and
just to prove

how little these
doctors know,

the report says
I have brown eyes.

Well, don't let it
worry you, sir.

Oh, it doesn't.

Yup, no matter what they say,

you'll always be
"little blue eyes" to us.

( chuckling )

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