All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s05e12 The Antique.eng

( theme song playing )

CARTER:
Boy, there are a lot of guards and dogs out tonight.

I wonder why.

Well, it ain't Be Kind
to Animals Week, mate.

If they find LeBeau,

I sure hope it's
Be Kind to Prisoners Week.

They won't
catch LeBeau.

( door opens and closes )

Not back yet?

Maybe he didn't
make contact

with the agent,
Colonel.

Carter, Newkirk,
out the tunnel

in case LeBeau
needs cover.

Yes, sir.

That agent has
enough information

to make or break
the Allied landing in France.

I guess that makes
it worth the risk.

Kinch, the only thing
that's important is victory--

even though you may
have to sacrifice three good men.

Yes, sir.

And if they're not
back in 15 minutes,

we're going out
to get them.

Right.

( something pops )

Hello, hello--

I didn't know
the pubs were open.

CARTER:
Boy, the Colonel has sure been worried about you.

Our agent was very nervous;
I thought we'd relax a minute.

You go ahead now.

Uh, do you mind if
we relax with you?

Sorry, only
have two glasses.

Well, I'll drink
out of her glass.

A girl
as pretty as that,

I'd drink
out of her shoe.

What girl?

I guess
he means me.

How about that?

We've been together
for four hours.

That's the first time
I realized she's not a man.

Really?

Go on...

Oh, he's lovely.

Two more minutes,

we call off
the whole mission.

I'll notify London.

All right.

Oh, Colonel?

Mm-hmm?

Now I know
what took so long.

LeBEAU:
Colonel Hogan, Kristina Gerald.

I'm very happy
to meet you.

She's Danish.

I love your pastry.

I'm afraid I have
bad news, Colonel.

What's that?

The underground
courier system has been broken.

Oh, great.

We've got agents in Paris,
Cherbourg, Le Havre,

Brussels, Amsterdam,
just waiting for these plans.

And they've got to have them
by the weekend.

I was told
that you would think of a way

to distribute them.

Yeah, with all
these guards around,

I also have
to think of a way

to get you
out of this camp.

Well, you shouldn't have
to strain yourself, Colonel.

You just think of a way

of getting those plans
all over Europe,

and I'll think of a way
of getting Kristina

out of the camp.

I'm bound to come up
with something

in, oh, two or three months.

Can't send the plans
by radio.

An interception
could wreck the whole invasion.

How do you like
my croissants?

LeBeau...

The underground
courier system is out.

How do you like
my croissants?

LeBeau,
do you mind?

The only way
is to send the plans

by hand
to all locations,

but that means
risking five men.

How do you like
my croissants?

Would you
please tell him

so we can get on
with World War II?

Mmm, I loved them.

I always say

if you can lift 'em,
you can eat 'em.

And I say that's no way
to talk to Betty Crocker.

And I say I'm not
inviting either of you

to my dinner tonight.

Carter, I thought

you were supposed
to announce our guests.

Sorry, Colonel.

Announcing Sergeant
Hans Schultz.

LeBeau, I knew
you were baking.

Oh, it was driving me crazy.

You can have one,
Schultz.

There's nothing like

the smell of
garlic bread, huh?

Garlic bread?!

KINCH:
Ahh, you've struck a nerve, Schultz.

I was only
joking, LeBeau.

Give him the croissant
so he can leave.

You're going with me;

Colonel Klink
wants to see you.

Who's he?

Oh, him?

He's an old
buddy of mine from Stalag 23,

just came over
for a home-cooked meal.

( chuckles softly )

Jolly joker.

You should tell your buddy
to cut his curls.

Yeah, okay,
Schultz.

Just a moment!

Well, if we're going to dance,
I want to lead.

( mumbling )

We are not going to dance.

Oh, what a shame--
I do a mean waltz.

You waltz?

( chuckles )

In Hammelburg,
they call me

Die Glitterzehe.

What's that?

Das ist "Der Twinkletoes."

You? "Twinkletoes"?

( starts humming "Blue Danube"
by Strauss )

( all join in singing )

CARTER:
Twinkletoes, they're playing our song.

The music drives
my feet crazy!

Hey, Schultz,
we better get over to Klink's

or you're going
to be waltzing in your snowshoes.

You're so right,
Colonel Hogan.

♪ Auf Wiedersehen... ♪

♪ Auf Wiedersehen... ♪

Whew!

May I, uh, have
this dance, please?

Music, maestro,
please.

( imitating band playing
"Blue Danube" )

I'm very disappointed
in you, Schultz,

frisking me,
of all people.

Colonel Klink's orders.

I know nothing.

Hi, Hilda--
is our fearless leader in?

He's waiting for you.

Would you want me
to strip, Schultz?

I may be carrying
a Luger in my shorts.

( flatly ):
Jolly joker.

Looks like I walked in on
an Edgar G. Robinson movie.

KLINK:
Come in, Hogan, come in.

Mind telling me what
this is all about, sir?

General Burkhalter's
orders:

Guards of prisoner-
of-war camps will be doubled

and all commandants are
to have personal bodyguards.

That's why you brought in
Baby Face Nelson.

In the past week,

two POW commandants
were shot,

Colonel Bergdorf
of Stalag Nine

and Colonel von Runkel
of Stalag 12.

And General Burkhalter figures
you're next, right?

I am not concerned
in the least.

I suppose Schultz frisked me
looking for candy bars.

I am
just doing this

to humor
General Burkhalter.

Why would you
want to shoot me?

You're right,
you're right--

nobody'd want
to knock you off.

Beside, von Runkel
had it coming.

He did?

He refused to give
the prisoners white bread.

Hilda!

Jawohl, Kommandant?

Double the ration
of white bread for all the prisoners.

Jawohl, Kommandant.

How long do you think

prisoners are going
to put up with a commandant

who steals their
Red Cross packages?

Oh, I'm... glad
you mentioned that, Hogan.

What's that?

I was holding this for you
for safekeeping.

Sure you were.

If I don't watch them,

these guards
will steal everything.

Not you, Hans.

Dismissed!

Hogan...

the reason I sent for you--

and I'm not afraid--
just tell me:

What do the prisoners
really think of me?

What do we
think of you?

Now, be honest:

What are they
saying about me?

( clock starts cuckooing )

( laughs )

Took the words
right out of my mouth!

Dis... missed.

Colonel...

where did you get this clock?

What's the matter
with the clock?

I knew it--
it's a boobytrap.

Wait-- it's not
a boobytrap.

It just may be
a rare antique.

Antique?

Yeah, my mother was
an antique dealer.

This could be
one of those

famous Hammelburg
cuckoo clocks.

Well, as
a matter of fact,

this clock did come
from Hammelburg.

No...

If you don't mind, sir,

I'd like
to authenticate it.

How?

Well, first I have
to look at the bird.

The bird?

Uh-huh.

Well?

Uh-huh...

Um, Colonel...

I'll give you
$25 for it.

Twenty-five dollars?

All right, 35.

Hogan, you are
wasting your time.

All right,
my top offer, $50.

This is a family heirloom.

$50 and I'll throw in
the Red Cross package.

For such a rare clock?

My final offer, $100--
take it or leave it.

$100 and
the Red Cross package.

It's a deal.

Yeah, I...

only wish I could get
another one just like it.

Thank you, Hogan.

You'll be very happy
with that clock.

And some people say

you wouldn't give them
the time of day.

See you later, Colonel.

Herr Kommandant,uh...

what is he doing
with your cuckoo clock?

I sold it to him
for $100.

A hundred dollars?

In Hammelburg,
they sell it for ten marks,

which is
three dollars...

Shh! Not a word
about that to Colonel Hogan.

Oh, I'll say nothing.

A hundred dollars?

( chuckles )

And they wonder
why they're losing the war.

Well, no Gypsy violins?

We thought in honor
of our guest

we would have
a candlelight dinner, Colonel.

Well, I don't
mind, but, uh...

how come Carter's
the lucky one?

I'm just the
lead-off man, sir.

Yeah, you see, Colonel,
we drew lots.

I have the appetizer
with her.

And I get
the salad.

And I sit down
for the entrée.

And she gets me
for dessert.

That sounds fair.

I think it's
a delightful idea.

It's a shame
we ran out of courses, sir.

Oh, that's all right.

I'll go along with her
when she walks off the dinner.

Where'd you
get that, sir?

Oh, I bought it
from Klink for $100.

A hundred dollars?

That looks like the ones
they sell in Hammelburg

for ten marks.

Yeah, but it's
a good investment.

I'm going
to put Klink

in the cuckoo
clock business.

A hundred dollars?

That clock isn't
the only thing

around here
that's cuckoo.

( humming a jaunty waltz )

( knock on door )

Come in, come in.

You sent for me, Colonel?

Yes, Hogan.

( cuckoos )

Don't tell me you found

another one of those
rare old cuckoo clocks, sir.

Don't ask me how,
but I managed to do it.

That certainly looks
authentic, sir.

Go see for yourself--
check the bird.

Uh-huh... uh-huh...

Uh-oh...

What's the matter?

It's phony, sir.

What do you mean?

Look at the bird.

His eyes are
too close together.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

The eyes are
close together.

Come to think of it,
so are yours, sir.

Schultz? Schultz?!

Herr Kommandant?

Bring in
the other clock.

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant.

You've got
another clock, sir?

Hogan... I was
just testing you.

I know that's
not a rare old clock.

Oh, you're foxy.

KLINK:
All right, Schultz,

bring it in,
bring it in.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, Schultz.

There we are.

Now, check this bird.

Well, well?

Mmm... huh?

Yeah, yeah, that's...

that's a genuine
antique Hammelburg cuckoo bird.

I knew it, Hogan;
it's in the eyes.

Yeah. Well, here's your
hundred dollars, sir.

Never mind;
this clock is not for sale.

You're cruel, sir,
taunting me with that rare antique.

Since you were kind enough

to let me know
how valuable they are,

I have decided to go into
the cuckoo clock business.

You're kidding.

I know where I can lay my hands

on 50 such clocks,
and I'm sending them

to an antique dealer in Paris.

Wrong.

I should do wonderful business

with so many German tourists
there now.

Give me back
my hundred dollars, sir,

and I'll tell you how
to do a better business.

Hogan, I do not
need your advice.

All right, just trying
to give you the benefit

of my mother's 30 years
in the antique business.

All right.

If you have a very good idea,
I'll give you $50.

A hundred dollars
and my Red Cross package back.

All right.

All right, now,
the first rule in rare cuckoo clocks

is not to flood
the market.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What you do
is send one clock

to an antique
dealer in each city.

Yeah, yeah.
What cities?

Yeah, let's see now--

Paris, Le Havre,
Cherbourg, Brussels and Amsterdam

are best for antiques.

Then you just sit back

and wait for the reorders
to roll in.

Hogan, that's
a very good idea.

Always leave them
wanting more, sir.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SCHULTZ:
Herr Kommandant, Herr Kommandant.

General Burkhalter's car
just came through the gate.

General Burkhalter
is coming here?

Ja.

It's best
that Burkhalter doesn't know

you're in
the cuckoo clock business, sir.

You're right, Hogan.

Schultz, take the clocks
out of my car

and put them
in the supply room.

Wrong! The guards
will steal them there.

No offense, Schultz.

Hogan, you're
right again.

Take them and put them
in my quarters.

No, better yet, put them
in the guest room closet.

Yeah, yeah.

Schultz, I'll take
four more clocks

to the barracks with me.

Why four
more clocks?

Check the eyes in the birds.

If they're authentic,
I'll have Hilda send them out

with the next courier.

Very good, Hogan,

very good.

( gasps )

You clumsy oaf!

Is he a clumsy oaf
to show respect for an officer?

No, General Burkhalter,
I was just afraid

he might have dropped
the box on your foot.

Out with the box,
Schultz.

( chuckles )

What is in that box?!

Colonel Klink just passed out
the Red Cross packages.

If von Ronkel had
done it, he would be alive today.

And so would Hesselrote.

Hesselrote?

He got it yesterday
at Stalag 23.

Aw, you don't have
to worry.

No one would try
to knock off Colonel Klink.

They won't get a chance.

By the time I leave tomorrow,

this camp will be safe enough
for the Führer.

Did you say
tomorrow?

Yes.

Where are you
going to stay?

In your guest room--
where else?

Oh, yes, of course,
my guest room.

It slipped my mind.

Klink!

What is it, General?

Where is your bodyguard?

You read my orders.

Really, General,
there is no need for a bodyguard.

The prisoners love me.

They have their Red Cross
packages, white bread...

Klink!

You are the one commandant
who should have a bodyguard,

a bulletproof vest
and your office in a tank.

All right, Kristina,
you got those plans for the underground?

Ja, Colonel,
here they are.

Pass them along.

Put a set of plans
in each of the clocks, fellas.

How are they going
to be delivered?

Through the courtesy
of Wilhelm Klink,

the grand old man
of antique dealers.

Klink went for
your plan, huh?

Like a ton
of sauerbraten.

I'd better
contact the underground.

Right.

Here's a list of
the antique dealers

who are going to be
receiving the clocks.

Tell them they're
going out tonight by courier.

Okay.

Colonel Hogan,
I'm grateful

for your hospitality,

but I think I should
be leaving now.

Oh, you're safer
here with us, love.

Yeah, our home is your home.

I'll make some curtains
for the window;

you'll love it.

She's right-- if we
don't get her out tonight,

we may never
have the chance.

The area's swarming
with guards!

We'll stage a diversion.

It's not going to be that easy
with General Burkhalter here.

Maybe we should wait
till Burkhalter leaves.

On the other hand,

Burkhalter may be the answer
to our problem.

Need a couple of men
for a job.

Who's good at winding
cuckoo clocks?

Come in, Quiche Lorraine.

( static )

Mama Bear calling
Quiche Lorraine.

Come in, please.

Contact
the underground yet?

Nothing yet, Colonel.

WOMAN ( over radio ):
Mama Bear, this is Quiche Lorraine.

This is it.

Go ahead, Quiche Lorraine.

I have received your message

and the names
of the antique dealers,

but we do not know
what we are to pick up.

I repeat,
one Hammelburg cuckoo clock.

Mama Bear, we cannot find
"cuckoo clock" in the code book.

Quiche Lorraine,
it's not in the code book.

We're talking about
a real Hammelburg cuckoo clock.

I'm afraid I do not understand
"cuckoo clock."

LeBeau, explain to her
in your native tongue, huh?

Right.

Hello, Mademoiselle-- un coucou.

C'est une pendule avec
un petit oiseau à l'intérieur,

et a chaque heure le petit
oiseau sort de la pendule

et il fait, <>

Comment vous appelez-vous

et quel est votre
numéro de téléphone?

Ah, oui, je compris.

Jeannine Bobinet,

Sablon neuf, neuf,
neuf, cinq.

Over and out.

My high school French
tells me

you just got her name
and phone number.

We French people always
mix a little business with pleasure.

Mm-hmm.

( both grunting )

Oh, blimey.

Boy, it's
a miracle.

Everything go
all right?

Yeah, we crawled
to barracks three--

we got pinned down
by the search lights.

But we crawled
under the barracks

and through
the delousing station,

and we got
to Klink's quarters

just before they
released the dogs.

We were winding the clocks
and old Schultz came in.

So we jumped out
through the back window.

It was only
a 20-foot drop.

And when Newkirk
came to,

we crawled past
the machine gun emplacements

and jumped over
the electric warning wire.

We... we got back here

while they were
changing the guard.

In other words,
just a routine mission.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's...
that's right.

Now, is there anything
I can get you, General,

before you
go to sleep--

perhaps a glass
of warm milk?

Warm milk?!

Ah, I always have
a glass before bedtime;

makes me sleep
like a baby.

Take my word, Klink,
this is no time to be a sound sleeper.

Oh, I appreciate
your concern, General,

but I can assure you,
you need not worry

about my life
being in danger.

I'm not worried
about your life.

If they get you,
I am next.

( knock on door )

Oh, excuse me, General,

but another blanket,
in case it gets cold.

Thank you.

Take off my boots.

Yes,
General Burkhalter.

Not you-- Schultz!

Well, I thought perhaps
that the sergeant would tuck you in

while I'm taking...
Quiet!

( clocks ticking loudly )

What is it?

Can't you hear?

Oh, you mean that funny noise
that sounds like clocks ticking?

Yes.

I don't hear it.

Oh, I can hear it.

Quiet!

And it sounds
as if it's coming

from this closet.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, Colonel,

not from that closet.

Schultz is right, the ticking
isn't coming from this closet.

They have planted
a time bomb.

( gasps )

Maybe it's
in the drawer.

I see nothing.

Excuse me, gent...

Hogan, not
now, please.

It's rather important, sir.

Colonel Hogan, not now.

We are looking
for a time bomb.

Wait a minute.

If the prisoners set
a time bomb in my room,

their leader
would not be here.

That's very clever
of you, General, very clever.

You see why we're
winning the war, Hogan.

It's great minds
like General Burkhalter.

It could be a time bomb.

What?!

The Gestapo's always
pulling stunts like that,

and you know how
they feel about generals.

Hogan is right.

Guards!

Guards!

Fire squad,
bring the hose.

( alarm bells ringing )

General Burkhalter,
why don't you sleep

in my quarters tonight?

I'll sleep here, huh?

BURKHALTER:
Guards!

Fire squad, bring the hose.

( alarm bells continuing )

There you go,
Kristina.

There you go.

It was nice meeting you.

I sure enjoyed
our dinner.

Well, it was nice meeting
all of you.

Thank you for everything.

Hope we see you again real soon.

Hey, now that
you know where we are, don't be a stranger.

CARTER:
Hey, wait a minute, my hat.

( whispers ):
Come on.

Believe me, General,
there is no time bomb.

We've looked everywhere.

Quiet!

( clocks ticking )

It sounds like it's coming
from the closet.

I've looked there already.

Then we'll look again.

NEWKIRK:
Fire detail!

Ticking comes from these boxes.

Drench the boxes.

Not in the closet!

Out of the way, Klink.

All right, that's
enough, fellas.

Yeah, that's fine.

That does it.

Quiet!

( silence )

The ticking has stopped.

I knew it would.

What was it?

It was just your
basic, everyday Gestapo time bomb.

It still
might go off.

I'll sleep in your quarters
tonight, Klink.

Come, Schultz.

Nice work, fellas.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.

Oh, Commandant, as long
as we have the hose,

anything else you want
watered down?

( stammering )

Uh... I think that'll
be all, fellas.

Thank you.

Night, sir.

Night, sir.

My antique clocks--
they're ruined.

Don't be too sure, sir.

( cuckoo warbling )

( gurgling )

( cuckoo stops )

KINCH:
Oh, Colonel.

We just got word
from the underground.

Kristina is safe
and they got the four cuckoo clocks.

Four?

Yeah, they're going
to have to steal

the other one,
the one that went to Paris.

How come?

Well, the dealer said
it was a real antique,

not for sale.

A real antique?!

Yeah, he said you
could tell by the eyes.

( laughs )

Colonel Hogan, please,
Commandant Klink is waiting.

Wanted to see me,
Colonel?

Ah, Hogan, please,
sit down, sit down.

I'm terribly sorry about
what happened last night.

Just when you had the antique
cuckoo clock market sewed up.

That's what I wanted
to see you about.

What's that?

A statue of Brunhilde
of Hammelburg.

Brunhilde of Hammelburg?

Oh, yes, very famous
in local history--

the only girl in town
to date Attila the Hun.

Now...

if this is a real antique, I
know where I can get some more.

I'll take it back
to the barracks and see.

Why take it back
to the barracks, huh?

I'm a cuckoo clock
man, myself.

LeBeau's our man
in stomach clocks.

He...

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