All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s05e01 Hogan Goes Hollywood.eng

( theme song playing )

( movie projector whirring )

( airplane engine running )

( sirens blaring )

You've come back.

You've come back alive.

Oh, darling, darling.

It was just
a routine flight.

But it's over now.
All over.

Your 50 missions
are up, my darling.

You're safe.

No, my dear.

I've got
to fly tomorrow,

and the next day
and the next.

until it's really
over everywhere.

You do see that.
Don't you?

You big lug.

I guess that's
why I love you.

( musical fanfare playing )

KLINK:
Light, light, lights.

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

And now perhaps Hogan
and you others are wondering

how I'm able to show you this
latest product of Hollywood.

Well, partially
it's due, of course,

to my generosity.

Let's hear it
for his generosity!

Marvelous!
We're very grateful!

Thank you.

But... an equal share
of the credit

must go to the all-conquering
German Luftwaffe.

You see, an Allied plane
carrying this film

strayed over our sacred borders

and was, of course,
shot down immediately.

Everybody's a critic.

( laughs )

I suppose, Hogan, that
was meant to be a witticism.

Well, as a serious student of
the cinema, let me assure you,

that the acting of Byron Buckles

transcends all
cultural barriers.

Exactly!
Herr Kommandant.

Never have I slept
less in any picture.

Thank you, Schultz.

Yeah, nice talking to you,
Commandant.

We watched your movie.
That's enough for one night.

Not quite!

Gentlemen.

It is always been my dream
to record with a camera,

for the whole world to see,
the true story of Stalag 13.

The humane treatment.

The total acceptance by the
prisoners of the New Order.

And now, to use
a film vernacular,

I am just about
ready to...

roll them!

Yeah, yeah.
Fine.

Thanks for the news
item, Commandant.

Any other flashes for us?

Yes, just one more.

Schultz!
Bring in the new prisoner.

Immediately,
Herr Kommandant.

This new prisoner,
Hogan, was shot down,

along with the film
that you have just seen.

I've had some talks
with him today

about my own
little cinematic project.

And I'm pleased
to announce to you,

that he has indicated
his total cooperation.

Gentlemen, may I present
Major Byron Buckles.

Hello, chaps.
Anyone for autographs?

Why couldn't they
shoot down Lana Turner?

Well, we just can't
let him do it.

I mean, how's it
going to look?

America's sweetheart making a
propaganda movie for the Nazis?

Colonel Hogan will
think of something.

I have confidence.

The trouble
with Colonel Hogan,

is he's too
soft-hearted.

If America's sweetheart
is a traitor,

we've got to do away
with America's sweetheart.

Right, Carter?

I pretend I'm
taking a picture

but instead,
inside the camera,

I've got a .37-
millimeter cannon, sawed off.

You don't think
that's a little messy?

Oh.

I'm glad you're all here.
We've got a problem.

CARTER:
Right, sir!

How about putting some
cobra venom in his cologne?

What are you
talking about, Carter?

The movie star,
Byron Buckles.

We'll take care
of him, sir.

Who cares about him?

We've got more
important stuff.

Kinch and I been down
in the radio room.

London's on to us
to blow up that bridge

20 miles south of here.

There's too much flak
for the bombers to get through.

Yeah, and so many
troops around here

we can't get through.

Anybody got any ideas?

Hey, how about an
exploding fountain pen, sir?

What is it
with you, Carter?

( knocking )

Oh, boy.

Colonel Hogan!
A matter of great importance.

Later, Schultz.

Hmm. Now. Will the prisoner
please come in?

Danke.

Carry on, men.
I don't intend to stand on rank.

For your information, Buckles,
a colonel outranks a major.

Colonel Hogan.

Kommandant Klink
has placed Major Buckles

under my personal
and special protection.

I'm directly responsible that
nothing, absolutely nothing,

happens to Major Buckles.

Nothing is going
to happen to Major Buckles?

Of course not, Schultz.

Just like nothing
happened to Benedict Arnold.

Because we didn't catch him.

Carter,
I'm warning you!

Furthermore,
I'm imploring you.

I don't quite
understand, chaps.

I mean, my record
is perfect.

Appeared three times
in two years

at the Hollywood Canteen.

My men are upset
with you, Buckles,

for doing a propaganda film
for the Germans.

They are?

It sounded like
such a good part.

Get him out of here, Schultz.

My orders are to remain
with this man at all times.

At all times!

I'm very happy for both of you,
but be together somewhere else.

We got work to do.

Work to do?
What kind of work?

Please, don't tell me.

Wait a minute, Hogan.

I'm beginning to
get your drift.

You mean that
public relations-wise,

it might be bad
for my image

to make
this film, huh?

It's Colonel Hogan.
And I couldn't care less.

I like that.
I like that.

I like a man who looks
after my interests.

Very good, Hogan.
I won't do it.

Wait a minute.

Do it.

I'll be the director.

What?!

Hold on, Colonel.
Why?

Colonel, you're going to direct
a German propaganda movie?

That's right.

Excuse me, please,
Colonel Hogan.

Colonel Hogan,
I know from experience,

when you decide
to do something

which looks good
for the Germans,

it's bad
for the Germans.

Am I right?

Keep going, Schultz.

Now, what's bad
for the Germans,

you're about
to explain

to my personal charge,
the movie star, Major.

It's possible.

But I have strict orders

not to let him
out of my sight!

What do you think
you should do, Schultz?

I know nothing!

I see nothing!

Nothing!

I think I shall place
my camera right here

so as to feature
the chief speaker.

You, Kommandant?

Who else?

To write, produce,
direct and act.

It is remarkable,
isn't it?

And then, a camera move, picking
up Byron Buckles, side by side,

with me leading
the happy prisoners

in the Horst Wessel Song.

Oh, Hilda.
Get every word of this,

while I'm in white heat.

There will be a small part,
Kommandant, for a woman?

Of course, my dear.

But you see,
in the picture business,

we must have interviews,
tryouts, readings, tests,

late conferences to establish
the necessary rapport,

you understand, my dear?

Oh, perfectly,
Herr Director.

Excellent. Excellent.

( knocking )

Go away!

I could make you a star.

Pardon me,
Herr Kommandant.

Schultz! Get out!

I'm not to be disturbed.

I know,
Herr Kommandant,

and I sympathize with you,
Herr Kommandant,

but Major Buckles...

Schultz, you were not
to leave him out of your sight!

That was a direct order!

Exactly, Herr Kommandant.

Which is, when he
insisted on seeing you,

I brought him with me.

Schultz!

Ahh, Commandant, I'm glad
we're not interrupting.

Business, business, business,
24 hours a day.

That's our commandant.

Hogan! Out!

What can I do for you,
Major Buckles?

Oh, I believe you know
my secretary, Fraulein Hilda.

Enchanté.

Hogan, I want her
in the picture.

Hogan, you want her
in the picture?

Why Hogan?

Well, my dear Klink,
I found our director.

But of course you know
all about his background,

about which you've told me.

What? What did
I tell you?

Your knowledge
of cinematic history.

Of course.
Hogan.

You'll read for me,
of course, Hilda?

Oh, any time,
Colonel Hogan.

Are your quarters
going to be free

tomorrow night,
Commandant?

No!
Major Buckles?

Naturally, we won't work
from a script.

Hogan likes
to create on the set.

Create on the set?

Which leaves us with
only one major role to fill.

What is that?

Someone to play the part
of the Commandant.

Someone to play
my part?

Uh, maybe Berlin
can help us out.

Good thought.

But gentlemen,
I thought in order

to bring the necessary
authenticity to the role,

that I would consent
to play the part.

Definitely not the type.

Definitely.

But gentlemen...

No, it calls for authority,
old man, bearings, stature.

( clears throat )

Schultz!
Dismissed!

Hmm... Shultz...

Let me hear you
read that line.

With pleasure.

Schultz!
Dismissed!

Oh, that's better.
That's much, much better.

Yeah. Commandant, will you lend
him your monocle, please?

No!

And I will not
be browbeaten by prisoners!

I will write
this picture.

I will direct it.

I will produce it,

and I will play
the part of Klink!

Otherwise, there
is no picture!

No picture.

Um, Commandant...

I, uh, know how you
feel, Commandant,

but the movie world
is a jungle.

We're dealing here
with a star.

But it was all my idea,
my dream, Hogan.

I know it was.

But he doesn't need you.
You need him.

I will not submit
to blackmail.

The picture is off!

I admire a man
of principle.

It's a good thing

you haven't told Berlin
about the film.

But I did.

They're sending
cameras, film crews.

Stick to your guns,
and, I must say, sir,

it's been a pleasure
to know you.

Hogan, you have
to help me.

It's going to
be tough, sir.

Have you ever worked
with a star before?

No, never.

Monsters.

Come on.

Uh, Major.
Major, I'm sorry,

but the Commandant
is adamant.

Hogan?

His name must remain
on the screen as producer.

In fine print,
of course.

What else?

In return, he's agreed
to let me write and direct.

Schultz will play
the Commandant.

Hogan.

Might I say, Major Buckles,
Colonel Hogan, Kommandant Klink,

I think it sounds very fair.

Schultz!
Get out of here!

Would you try that?

Schultz!
Get out of here!

Oh, that's better.
That's much, much better.

Yeah.

Well, that's
show business.

All right, all right,
quiet, everybody.

Quiet on
the set! Quiet!

All right, now,
here's the action.

The prisoners-- you--

have arranged
a surprise birthday party

for their beloved commandant,
Colonel Klink.

How nice.

You're Schultz.
He's Klink.

Oh, yes,- I'm Schultz.
He's Klink.

But naturally.

Now, Klink is lured here
on some pretense by Schultz,

who opens the door and says...

( clicks heels )

What do I say?

Achtung,
Achtung.

Achtung-- with a smile.

I'm sorry about that.

I just do not seem
to feel the part.

But I will get it.

I will get it.

Ach... tung!

Thank you, Schultz.

All right, all right.

Places, everybody.

Places, everybody!

Quiet!

HOGAN:
Very bright,

very happy.

All right, roll 'em.

Action.

Ach... Ach...

Keep it rolling
'til he gets it.

Ach... Ach...

Tung!

Tung.

Achtung-- of course.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow,
which nobody can deny. ♪

( cheering )

( chuckling )

Happy prisoners, glad to be

the wonderful world
of the Third Reich.

( chuckling )

Oh...

For me?!

BUCKLES:
And there's more to come, Commandant,

as the prisoners express through
their own simple handicraft

their gratitude
for your hospitality

and political guidance.

Oh, how wonderful!

Crafted out of their own
mess tins,

a scale replica
of the battleship Bismarck.

Oh! The unsinkable
Bismarck!

Cut, cut!

Hogan, Hogan, this man
is completely impossible.

I cannot work with him.

It is my scene.

It is my birthday.

Why does he have
to destroy my battleship?

In all my pictures,

the finished film--
by contract--

must be at least 60% close-ups
of me.

All right, all right.
Hold it. Hold it.

Achtung!

Very good.
Later, later.

KLINK:
Achtung, Achtung!

General Burkhalter
is here.

Klink, what
is going on here?

General Burkhalter,
what a pleasure to see the General.

Always so nice
to see you, sir.

What is all this,
Klink?

And why are you out
of uniform?

Or has Berlin finally
caught up with you?

( both chuckling )

Nothing like that,
General Burkhalter.

We're just doing
a little play-acting,

as you can see.

Needed a better type
for the commandant, General.

Welcome to Stalag 13,
General.

KLINK:
Quiet, Schultz!

Just a little documentary

that I am producing,
General Burkhalter

after I persuaded the
actor, Byron Buckles,

to, uh, give us,
full cooperation.

Uh, he is the one
sitting right over there.

Very amenable.

I am here only because
of a wire from Colonel Hogan.

Hogan?

How can a prisoner
send a wire, Hogan?

A very good question,
Sergeant Klink.

Actually, General,

I have this parade sequence
in mind:

hundreds of marching
happy prisoners.

We certainly need
a more imposing figure

to take their salute.

Excellent idea, Hogan.

And the General
wouldn't be tied up at all.

We could do it in a day.

This afternoon, sir.

HOGAN:
Well, actually,

I had more of a commitment
in mind.

Lovely costume on Hilda,
isn't it, sir?

Um, you see, we need
a more sure hand

on the production reins.

Perhaps if you could
give us a week.

Production reins?

Hogan, the General is
much too busy for that.

You are much too busy,
aren't you, sir?

This is much too important

a project, Klink,

to leave it
to a Sergeant.

Right?

Very good,
General Burkhalter.

( chuckles )

Work that into
the script, Hogan.

In my career, Hogan,
I have worked with dogs.

I have even worked
with small children,

but never with a scene-stealer
like Schultz.

HOGAN:
Let's not lose sight of our purpose.

We're using that
film for a reason--

a very important
reason--

to Allied High
Command in London.

Now, whose side
are you on?

Mine.

That's why
I'm a star.

Why don't you step
outside, Colonel?

We can persuade him easy.

No trouble at all, Colonel.

Forget it.

Buckles, it may have escaped
your attention,

but there's a war on.

A joint enterprise.

No free passes
to Hollywood stars.

Furthermore...

Strike all that.

Buckles, look on it
as your greatest role.

My greatest role?

Academy Award time.

I'll do it.

How would it be if, uh...

No. It
won't do.

What we need is a big finish.

Really big.

But the parade.

Static.

Static?

Static.

Something showing the love
and devotion of the prisoners.

Not only toward
the Commandant,

but toward the
Third Reich.

Something big,
dramatic.

Action, action.

Film is action.

Film is action--
how true.

I've got it.

The prisoners form
a military unit,

and go behind Allied lines
to blow up a bridge.

Take that down, Hilda.

To go behind their own lines

to blow up their own bridge?

What a grasp of a concept, sir.

KLINK:
But how can we be sure

they will come back
to Stalag 13?

Mind like a
steel trap.

That's the beauty
of film, sir.

We use a-a bridge
close to camp.

Say the one 20
miles south of here.

You cannot blow up that bridge,
Hogan.

That bridge is very important.

It is the most closely-guarded
bridge in Germany.

What a producer.

We only use the bridge
for filming, sir.

We even use fake explosives.

The actual explosion is done
with a miniature.

Six feet long.

But to film
in the restricted area?

Yeah, lucky our
producer's a general.

Oh, yes.

Well, but, uh...

Yeah.

Cinematic history in the making.

What'll we call our outfit?

The Klink Brigade.

That doesn't quite make it,
does it?

Mm-hmm.

Um, let's see.

The Burkhalter
Brigade.

That's it.

The Burkhalter Brigade.

I like it.

All right,
the film is rolling.

Move in on the bridge.

HOGAN:
Wire the TNT.

This good enough?

A little further,
Major.

Good.

I always work with
doubles, you know?

Always.

Why couldn't Hogan
give me a double?

Authenticity
for your performance.

I think
he's insane.

Will you hold this, please?

It won't go
off, will it?

Probably not.

I think I'm insane.

Do you actually know
Esther Williams?

What's the matter
with him anyway?

I never worked
with a director

who made things
so complicated.

You know, audiences won't
follow a complicated story.

It's the old Hogan touch.

See, if he didn't keep
Klink and Burkhalter

kind of stirred up and confused,

they might figure out
what's really going on.

Ready, Kinch?

Ready.

LeBeau, Newkirk?

I'm all set.
Just yours now.

Fire!
( gunfire )

What was that?

It was a rifle shot.

Colonel Hogan thought

it might make things
seem more realistic.

Why didn't
he tell me?

He's got a lot on his mind.

A lot on
his mind?

Is he aware

that in this
business

the making of a star
takes a minimum

of eight years
and millions and millions...

( gunfire )

If I'm going to die...

at least let it be
in a close-up.

Now they got you surrounded,
Buckles.

( gunfire )

HOGAN:
You're determined to blow the bridge.

You're getting ready

to push the detonator down.

( gunshot )

HOGAN:
Hold it, hold it! Cut, cut.

It's wrong, wrong.

Hogan,

what is the matter?

Uh, it just doesn't sing.

Sing?

Sing.

Oh.
Oh.

There's an element missing.

It just doesn't build.

Of course.

Of course what?

The gallant allies,
the staunch companions.

They should be
in the scene.

Who are they?

It's symbolism.

Hands across the sea.

The defenders
of the Third Reich.

Together again
for the roaring climax.

Burkhalter!

HOGAN:
Klink and Schultz!

It sings!

Okay.

Everybody set?

HOGAN:
All right now, with your buddy

standing guard
around you...

Fire.

( explosion )

Great shot,
just great.

Just what we
needed to sell the picture.

Hogan!

Never mind the picture.

What about the bridge?

That was
unfortunate, sir.

But you can't
make an omelet

without breaking
a few eggs.

You tricked us,
Hogan.

You were using
real explosives.

I believe it
was furnished

by you,
Commandant.

Schultz, that was
your responsibility.

As a Commandant,

I cannot follow up
every detail personally,

Herr Kommandant.

I will have all your heads!

All of them!

Uh, begging your
pardon, General,

but I think we're
all in this together.

Especially since
we have such marvelous footage

of you setting
off the explosion.

Destroy the picture!

Anything you say,
sir, anything.

Uh, uh.

That still leaves
the bridge,

or what's
left of it.

I will tell Berlin the
complete, entire truth.

And then kill myself.

Don't you have anything
in your mind, Hogan?

A high-flying bomber,
secret weapon.

Can't be seen
nor heard.

But how could they fly
that high?

It's a secret.

I like it.

Schultz, keep
out of this.

What do you think,
General Burkhalter?

I hate it.

And then I will take
killing myself.

Excellent.

Any loose ends?

Hogan, Hogan,

are you aware
that during the last shot

this man had his hand
over my face?

We'll simply have
to shoot it all over again.

Major, forget it.

Sorry you won't be with us
any longer, Major.

Well, I'm terribly
sorry myself, old man.

Exchanging me for three
German generals, you know.

Good break
for you.

Oh, not really.

I insisted on it in my contract
before I enlisted.

Mr. Buckle,

would you tell
Betty Grable Carter says hello?

Right.

Well, bye-bye, chaps.

Buy bonds.

Clever turn
of phrase, Major.

Just came to me.

Like to work
with you again

sometime, Hogan.

If you're ever in
Hollywood after this whole...

We can have lunch.

Bless you.

Major Buckles,

your car is waiting.

Well, carry on, chaps.

Oh, Major Buckles, may I say
that appearing with you

on the silver screen
has been the high point...

Bless you.

Uh, one for our collection,

Major, before you leave?

Uh, but of course,
old chap.

Has been the high point
of my career at Stalag 13,

which has not been without...

KINCH:
Okay? Hold it.

...unbelievable episodes.

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