All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s04e06 Man Not His Dog.eng

( theme song playing )

Mm-hmm...

Anything interesting,
Colonel?

Yeah, might be--
it's from Burkhalter.

It's an order to keep
all prisoners

in the barracks today
until 4:00.

Why?

Doesn't say.

I wonder
what it is

they don't
want us to see.

I'm curious myself.

I'll put this back
on Klink's desk...

after 4:00.

Hey, look what I found.

( men fussing )

You'd better
lose him, quick.

I thought we'd
keep him for a pet.

Come on, you know
the camp rules--

we're not allowed
to have pets.

( dog whimpers )

You see, he knows
what you're saying.

Sorry, I don't
make up the rules.

Can we please
keep him, Colonel?

He's a great watchdog.

LeBeau, this
is a prison camp--

nobody's breaking in.

You're going to have
to get rid of him.

( dog whining )

Sorry, old-timer.

Oh, it's
a rotten shame.

It'd be fun
to have a dog.

SCHULTZ:
What are we doing inside?

The schedule calls
for calisthenics.

Schultz, we're
getting a little bored with the pushups.

We're planning
a different kind of exercise.

What do you
have in mind?

A cross-country run.

Hmm, yeah, yeah...

Running in the fresh air,
it's very good exercise...

Out of the question,

absolutely
out of the question.

( dog whimpering )

What was that?

Now you're supposed to guess.

I'll do the imitation again.

( whimpering )

( yipping )

That's a dog!

Right-- give that man a cigar.

Now, for
my next imitation...

Ah, that animal
is against the rules!

But you have
dogs in camp.

Those are killers.

To keep a dog
for pleasure

is not permitted.

All right, hold it.

We're just going
to have to cut Schultz in.

You familiar
with this breed?

SCHULTZ:
With that?

It's a little bit of this,
a little bit of that.

You hit it right
on the head.

A lot of dogs have two
or three different breeds.

That dog has five percent
of 20 different breeds.

There's only three
like him in the world.

He's worth a fortune.

Is that right?

But... if
he is so valuable,

how come you have him?

Well, the dog doesn't
belong to us, he's lost.

And the owner has offered
a reward for his return--

100 marks.

100 marks for that?

What are
we waiting for?

Let's collect
the reward.

What's the rush?

It will go up
to 500 marks,

and we're partners.

( chuckling )

Who would be
that stupid

to give
so much money?

General Brechschneider?

Yup, he
is that stupid.

Now, Hogan,
we are partners?

We have a contract.

Coochie-coochie...

( barks )

( muttering )

Colonel, does that
mean I can keep him?

Of course not.

Only until General
Brechschneider pays

the reward of 500 marks.

HOGAN:
One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.
( mechanical rumbling )

One...

Wow, look at the size
of those tanks.

No wonder they wanted us
to stay in the barracks.

It's their newest model,
mounted 88s.

Heavier armor plate,
faster, bigger tracks.

Be nice if the Allies
knew about this.

Carter... now.

Okay, Colonel.

( yells )

Oh, it's the heat!

It's worse.

Oh, I feel like I...

Carter!

Just faint.

All right, all right,
give him air.

It must have been
the cold that caused it.

All right, Carter,

out with
the camera, quick.

I want
a lot of pictures.

Keep them coming,
and don't stop.

I want plenty of them,
get them all.

LeBEAU:
Here comes the commandant.

HOGAN:
All right, watch out, quick.

SCHULTZ:
Attention!

Everybody,
attention!

What's going
on here?

Why isn't this man
at attention?

I believe he's fainted,
commandant.

That's no excuse--
that's very unmilitary.

I'll speak sharply to him
when he comes to.

( groans )

Aha!

The new tanks.

Oh, is that
your new ones, sir?

I hadn't noticed.

You wouldn't notice

till they walked
right up to you and bit you.

( laughs heartily )

( laughs weakly )

What are your men
doing here?

Just following your orders
about calisthenics--

you know,
mens sana in corpore sano--

a sound mind in a sound body.

You don't have
to translate to me;

I understand French.

It's Latin.

Your accent is terrible.

Go on with
your calisthenics!

All right,
let's have it!

Exercises!

Mmm, there is no word

from General
Brechschneider

about the dog, huh?

Not yet, but
the longer he waits,

the higher
the reward will be.

Exercises!

Exercises...

All right, Carter.

Keep taking pictures.

I'll try to keep Klink
from wandering around.

Get plenty of them.

( knock at door )

Come in, come in.

Yes, Hogan, what is it?

I, uh, I, um...

You know, Hogan,

I didn't like
that man fainting.

That doesn't
look very good.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

I think
he needs a rest.

Oh, you do, huh?

Mm-hmm.

How about a resort
in the Swiss Alps?

I understand the skiing
is very good

this time of year.

Sounds good.

Seems to me
a warmer climate--

say, uh,
the French Riviera would be good.

Oh... how about
a real vacation,

maybe a few weeks
in Berlin?

No, from what I hear,

it's too hot for anyone
in Berlin right now.

Missed a spot
by your sideburn, sir.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Hogan, let me remind
you of something...

Oh, oh, General Burkhalter.

What a pleasure
to see you, sir.

Klink, how is it

that you get so
much more pleasure

out of seeing me

than I do
out of seeing you?

Because you're
a better man, sir.

You're much more
of a human being.

You have
wonderful qualities...

Klink, shut up
and wipe your face.

Wipe my face...

Oh, I was shaving,
sir, shaving.

Glad to hear it--

I thought
you had rabies.

"Rabies..." oh,
that's a good one.

Very funny, "rabies."

What are those prisoners
doing at the fence?

Exercising, sir.

That's just part
of my program.

You know
the old Latin saying, uh...

Mens sana in corpore sano.

That's the one.

So you thought that
was more important

than the special order

I sent this morning

telling you to keep
the prisoners

in their barracks?!

KLINK:
Sir, I didn't get any order.

I give you
my word of honor

as an officer
and a gentleman, I received nothing.

Please, please, take
a look for yourself, sir.

Now, there was
no order in here.

Now, you know very well
I would never overlook....

Tell me, Mr. Officer
and Gentleman,

how did this get here?

Was it left
by the Good Fairy?

I, I...

Klink!

The High Command wanted

a certain operation
as secret as possible.

Well!

I can assure you,
General Burkhalter,

nothing gets out
of this prison.

Don't be too sure.

You may be getting out.

Sir, the prisoners
did not see a thing.

I can assure you.

Colonel Hogan,
you were with them;

now, you didn't see
any new tanks, did you?

Not until you called them
to my attention, sir.

Allied High Command
in London.

They want the pictures of the
new tanks right away, huh?

"An agent will pick them up.

Wait for contact with
a 'Rumpelstiltskin.'"

Who is Rumpelstiltskin?

Well, since he's going
to get in touch with us,

it's someone who's
in camp right now--

or is coming here.

All done.

And a good job,
if I do say so myself.

Yeah... very good.

This all you took?

Yeah, well,
Schultz came, you know,

and chased us back
to the barracks.

I was going to put

another roll
in the camera,

but I didn't
have time...

Oh, boy.

What's the matter?

I left the camera
near the fence.

Of all the idiotic things.

If they
find that camera before we do,

we're in trouble.

I think I'm really
going to faint.

KLINK:
No film.

Exactly where did you find this?

Near the fence,
Herr Kommandant.

Where the men
were exercising?

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant.

Herr Kommandant,
if nobody claims it,

may I keep it?

Don't worry,
somebody will claim it.

Oh, you know who owns it?

Of course I know.

But he doesn't know that I know,

which means that I know
what he doesn't know.

Do you know what that means?

That I don't get the camera.

Stupid-- that means

that I am much smarter
than Colonel Hogan.

This time he's gone too far.

If you're worried
about them finding that camera,

all we have to do
is deny we ever saw it.

Yeah, it's their word
against ours, sir.

It isn't
that simple.

Once Klink's suspicion
is aroused,

it's going to make it
that much harder

for Rumpelstiltskin
to contact us.

In the meantime,
until we know exactly where,

when and with whom
the contact is being made,

I'm going to carry this film
around with me all the time.

It does make it
a problem.

Sticky wicket.

Go on, say it!

It's all my fault.

Why don't
you say it?

All right,
it's all your fault.

It is?

You mean it?

Of course not,
Carter, it was an accident--

could have happened
to anyone.

If we weren't ordered
to stay in the barracks,

we could find
that camera, sir.

Just have to wait
and play it by ear.

I feel
just awful.

It really
was my fault.

ALL:
Hi, Schultz.

It's all right,
it's all right.

You don't
have to get up,

it's just
a social visit.

Everybody feel good?

Mm-hmm.

Good!

Must have heard
some bad news about somebody

to feel so good.

I know nothing...
nothing.

I wouldn't call that
a secret, Schultz.

Mmm, something smells
very good.

Schultz...

Now, please, please.

Mmm...

( chuckles )

It needs a little bit
more salt.

( barks )

What's the matter
with him?

You're eating
his dinner.

Don't worry, there's
plenty left for you.

When are we going
to collect the reward?

Oh, we're waiting
for General Steiner

to make
a better offer.

"General Steiner"?

You told me
Breckschneider owns the dog.

Oh, well,
they're partners.

I mean, a valuable
dog like that

couldn't be owned
by one man, Schultz.

Well, to me he looks
like an ordinary dog.

Well, to some people,
a diamond looks

like a piece of glass.

Well, then, make it
as fast as possible.

You know
the regulations.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what was it

I wanted to tell you?

What was it?

What was it?!

Worst acting I've ever seen.

Mmm!

Ah...

It was on the tip
of my brain.

What was it?

Ah... now I remember.

Yeah, I thought
you would.

The commandant wants you
to clean up the yard.

Any particular
area, Schultz?

Yeah, wait a minute,
let me think.

Where we were
exercising today?

Yeah, and he
doesn't want you

to miss any
cigarette butts.

Okay.

Well, we know
where the camera is.

Where?

Right where you left it.

Klink found it,
put it back to trap us.

Come on, let's go.

KINCH:
What are we going to do, Colonel?

For one thing, do a better job
of acting than he just did.

HOGAN:
All right, I want all these cigarette butts picked up.

All of them?

All of them.

Okay.

You know, we're
supposed to be prisoners of war,

not domestics,
sir.

That's right,
you tell him.

HOGAN:
Just get them all.

Even the paper,
sir?

All of
them.

Want to be proud
of this camp.

Oh, right,
right.

Yeah,
sure.

Here we go,
then.

Hey!

Look what I found.

It's a camera,
isn't it?

LeBEAU:
Looks like a camera.

KINCH:
Yeah, I wonder whose it is.

It's not mine.

I don't know,
it looks like an expensive one.

Newkirk?

Sir?

Take this
to Klink's office.

Someone may be
looking for it, huh?

Never mind! Hold it!

Colonel Klink.

Oh, you saved me
a trip, sir,

I was going
to take this camera to your office.

That's right,
some idiot left it here.

Careful what
you are saying.

The idiot
you are talking about

is Commandant Klink.

Schultz!

You shouldn't leave an expensive
camera like that laying around.

Neither should you.

Colonel, what are you
talking about?

Hogan, don't play games with me,

just tell me that
this is your camera.

Okay, it's my camera.

Aha!

Then you admit it.

No, you asked me
to tell you and I did.

Is there anything else
you want me to tell you?

All right, Hogan,

if you say
it's not your camera,

we'll let it go
just at that.

No hard feelings?

None at all, sir.

Uh-huh.

Schultz.

Klink isn't going to rest
until he gets this.

Weren't you afraid
he would search you?

Not a chance--

he's sure I wouldn't be
foolish enough

to carry it with me.

We should have
searched him.

He certainly would not be
carrying the film on him.

Wouldn't he be hiding it?

We are going to surprise Hogan
when he least expects it.

Get a few men,
and in exactly one hour

be ready to make
a thorough search.

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant!

( phone rings )

Colonel Klink speaking.

This is General Burkhalter.

Ah, General Burkhalter,
this is indeed a great pleasure.

Klink, stop with the pleasure.

Sir, I cannot help myself,
I must be honest.

Get your camp in order.

Tomorrow morning,

the Swiss Prison Commission
is paying you a visit

and I want a favorable report.

Don't worry, sir, I'm ready
at all time for an inspection.

Pick out some special prisoners
for them to interview,

ones you can depend on
to say they are happy.

And make sure nobody is
in solitary confinement.

It's as good as done,
Herr General.

And may I say to you,
sir, that...

Prussian.

Oh, don't tell me

you're going
to feed that swill to that poor dog.

It isn't for him;
this is our dinner.

What is it?

I never know
till I finish it.

Oh, it'll be
the finish of us, mate.

( laughs )

I suppose nobody by the name
of "Rumpelstiltskin" showed up?

No, we've had
two "Rumpelmeyers"

and a "Meyerrumpel,"
that's all.

He'll show up
sooner or later.

Yeah, well, we're
running out of time.

I don't feel safe
with this film on me.

Any minute now,
Klink will show up and...

Attention!

The Commandant is here!

There he is.

Nobody move!

Stay right
where you are.

I want every inch of this place
searched,

and the men, too.

Now, don't miss a thing,
look everywhere.

Search the footlockers,
the mattresses.

I don't want you
to miss anything.

What was that dog
doing here?

He didn't say.

Search everybody!

Okay.

Looking for anything
in particular?

NEWKIRK:
We'd be glad to help, sir.

I mean,
give us a clue.

Is it animal,
vegetable, mineral?

Put them all
in the cooler!

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant.

We'll see if they feel like
making jokes there.

Wait!

They don't go
into the cooler?

No.

The Swiss Prison Commission
is coming tomorrow.

Now, after they go,
we'll take care of it.

Now get this place
cleaned up.

There may be
an inspection later.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Clean up this place!

NEWKIRK:
Aye, Schultz.

Hey, what'd you do
with the film, Colonel?

Must have had
a great hiding place--

they searched
everywhere.

I put it in the bone
the dog ran off with.

I told you he was
a smart dog.

Colonel,
do you think

that Swiss
Commission...

I do--
Rumpelstiltskin is one of them.

It all fits perfectly.

Hey, speaking of the dog,
where is he?

( dog barking, scratching door )

There he is.

LeBEAU:
There's my little baby.

Where's the bone?

I'll send him
to find it.

Okay...

show us where you
hid the bone.

Go on, baby, we'll
give the bone back.

Come on, show us.

Maybe if we gave him
another bone,

he'd take it
to the same place.

Good idea.

Here you are, baby,
take it.

That's a good boy.

Hey, hey,
come on, come on.

Right here.

Huh? Huh?

( barks )

Hey, hey, hey.
Huh?

Not this one.

The one you took from me
before.

The one I gave you
back in the barracks.

You can
trust us.

Please show us
where it is.

( barking )

Ah, welcome
to Stalag 13.

This is indeed
a great pleasure, a privilege...

This is
Colonel Klink.

Herr Kommandant,

Herr Kraft.

Herr Kraft.

Monsieur Bonner.

Monsieur Bonner.

Of the Swiss
Prison Commission.

And Hanna Vogel,

deputy leader of
the Nazi Youth Group.

She's escorting them to
the different prison camps.

If I had known that
you were coming here,

I would have prepared
this camp.

Of course, you see it
as it really is.

Klink, they know
I called you yesterday

to say they were coming.

Oh.

It, uh, must have
slipped my mind.

I think it is
criminal

to keep the prisoners
in luxury

while our men are
fighting at the front.

I quite agree.

Uh, but, uh,
the laws of humanity

must always be observed,
of course.

The prisoners,
they get enough to eat?

Oh, indeed they do.

As a matter of fact,
they eat the same food I do,

and, uh, you can see
I am in tip-top condition.

I eat the same food,
too.

Naturally,
he eats more.

Do you have any men
in solitary confinement?

Of course not.

To tell you the truth,

I don't even know
where those cells are.

That's how much
we use them.

Gentlemen, I know
you are short of time.

Suppose we start the inspection.

Follow me.

HOGAN:
Well, looks like we've had it--

he's going to sleep
for a week.

And he calls himself
"Man's Best Friend."

They finished
the inspection.

They're heading back
to Klink's quarters.

Well, that does it.

Better get over and
tell Rumpelstiltskin--

whoever he is--

we don't have the film.

Break it to him
gently, Colonel.

Merci.

Everything seems
to be in order.

Yes, from
what I've seen,

I have
no complaints.

Gentlemen...

I try to make
my prison

as homelike
as possible.

I often ask myself, "What would
I want if I were a prisoner?"

And then I answer myself.

I say, "Klink"--

that's my name, "Klink."

I say...

That's enough, Klink.

But I am not satisfied.

Believe me...

the Führer is going to hear
how soft they have it here.

How they even have showers.

Cold showers.

Ooh-- there is
one thing we didn't do.

We are supposed
to interview a prisoner.

Certainly.

Schultz, go to
Barracks G and...

( knocking )

Hogan?

Very sorry, sir, I didn't
realize you're entertaining.

Out, dismissed.

No, no, wait,
Colonel Klink.

We will talk
to this prisoner.

Colonel Hogan?

Oh, sir, I have
a much better man for you.

Very intelligent,
let me get him.

Schultz, please.

BONNER:
No.

This man will do.

He is supposed to be
picked at random.

Of course, but you see,
this man in Barracks G,

oh, you just won't find
anyone more random, sir.

Schultz, please.

Colonel Hogan?

These men are from
the Swiss Prison Commission.

They would like
to talk to you.

I'll be happy
to tell them

whatever they
want to know.

I'm sure Colonel Hogan has
a million things to do.

Let me find someone
who is not so busy.

Schultz, please.

I haven't
anything to do.

I'm entirely
at your disposal.

Good. Good.

Now, tell me,
do you have any complaints?

Well...

Excuse me, I have a cold.

Rumpelstiltskin!

Standing around
without any clothes on

and I seem to have
caught a cold.

What were you doing
without clothes?

He's a sun worshipper.

He just can't get enough sun.

In this weather?

That's what I said to him:
"In this weather?"

Rumpelstiltskin!

Now, I ask you,

do you have anything
to complain of?

HOGAN:
Well, uh...

Actually, I have
nothing to complain of.

You see, gentlemen,

Colonel Hogan is truly
a representative

of our camp as a whole.

Oh, thank you,
Colonel Hogan.

Dismissed.

If you gentlemen
are through,

will you please sign
the inspection report?

Oh, certainly.

( barking )

Now you show up.

Colonel Hogan?

You are supposed to be
standing at attention.

Why? Because I'm talking
to one of the "master race"?

I could have you shot
for talking to me like that.

I'll bet you would, too.

Tell me, what's a nice girl like
you doing in a place like this?

I came here...

to meet a friend.

Is that right?

Rumpelstiltskin.

You're Rumpelstiltskin?

Better give me the film
before they come out.

I haven't got it.

Where is it?

Ask this silly dog.

They were searching us
and he...

Shh.

Here they come.

Ah, General Burkhalter,
this has been

a most enjoyable visit.

I wish we had more time
to just sit around and...

Good-bye, Klink.

BURKHALTER:
You see?

That is why

we have a rule
against dogs.

Naughty, naughty.

KLINK:
I will get rid of that dog

right away, sir.

Schultz?

SCHULTZ:
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

KLINK:
Get that dog out of here.

I have a better idea.

Fräulein,
do you like dogs?

Why, ja, I do.

Please accept this one

as a gift from the boys
here at Stalag 13.

Uh, here,
you may as well

take along his
favorite bone, too.

I'll just put it
in your doggy bag.

Why, uh, thank you
very much.

Sergeant Schultz?

Tell the others
we are ready to leave.

After you've
had him awhile,

you'll develop
a real affection for him.

What is his name?

"Rumpelstiltskin."

Hogan, I appreciate

that what
you told them

helped me get
the highest rating

we've ever had
in this camp.

But.

But there is
still the matter

of the missing film
from the camera,

and I'm going
to report that to General Burkhalter.

When Burkhalter
finds out

you think there was
a film

and you haven't got it,

you're really going
to be in big trouble--

whether there is
any film or not.

So far, it's only
in your mind.

Do you want
to put it in his?

If only
I could be sure.

Could have saved yourself
a lot of trouble

if you'd just asked me
two questions

which I would have
answered truthfully.

What questions?

Well, if before you
started the search,

you had come
to me and said,

"Colonel Hogan,
do you have the film?"

I would have said,
"No, I do not."

And then
if you had said,

"Do you know
where the film is?"

I would have said,
"No, I do not."

And I give you
my word

it would have been
the truth.

I believe you.

But there's
another question:

"Was there
any film?"

Sorry-- only answer
two questions at a time.

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