All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s03e19 Hogan, Go Home.eng

( theme song playing )

Now, Carter, you
and Newkirk will plant the bombs right here,

past the station.

Yes, sir.

Nice camouflage,
using the Berlin Express

to carry munitions and supplies.

The Krauts are getting smart.

Sir, why not lob
a few grenades here

before the train
reaches the station?

Because the Berlin Express
passes the Kessling refinery.

So we get the train
and the refinery.

Now, won't that make
a cheery little bonfire?

Right.

There's nothing like
a nice, blazing oil field

on a cold winter's night.

All right, let's
clean up down here.

Get a couple hours' sack time
before roll call.

KINCH:
All right.

NEWKIRK:
Good night, chap.

Good night.

( telegraph beeping Morse code )

Hey, hold it, fellas.

Hey, it's London.

The Allied High Command.

The High Command?

Holy cats.

What is it?

Holy cats!

What, Kinch?

What's so "holy cats"
about it, Kinch?

I hear it, but I just
don't believe it.

Holy cats!

The message, Kinch.

What is the message?

Here.

Sacrés chats!

"Sack re shah"?

That's French for "holy cats."

The big brass is ordering
Colonel Hogan home.

What, back to the States?

He's to return
for a hero's welcome

and reassignment
to Special Service

for a three-months
bond-selling tour.

They got to be crazy
at headquarters.

Oh, the colonel's
really going to snap his twig

when he hears
about this.

It says to stand by
for further instructions.

Now, you know what
the colonel's going to tell them.

I got a hunch
that hero's welcome

is going to turn
into a dishonorable discharge.

Sack re shah.

Yeah, he's going
to be pretty sore about it, all right.

But he's never disobeyed
an order yet.

Yes, but he's
never gotten

this kind
of a crazy order before.

Then we ought
to let him sleep

a little while longer,

you know,
before we tell him.

You know
what a nasty temper he's got

when he's tired.

Yeah, and he
was beat tonight.

Boy, he would eat
us alive if we woke him up right now

with a message
like this.

I'd like him
to sleep as long as he can.

I'd like that,
too, Carter.

Oh, sorry we kept
you awake, Colonel.

This message from
London's got us kind of wound up.

They want me to go home.

They've ordered me home.

I don't believe it!

Who would issue
an order like that?

I don't know, but whoever it was

is going to have me
for a friend for life.

Kinch, wire London.

Tell them orders
are acknowledged.

When do I leave?

How? Where?

Get all the details.

Yahoo!

KINCH:
Yes, sir.

Personally, I think he's
taking the news pretty well.

You can
almost believe

he was
happy about it.

You know darn well he's happy.

Boy, if that doesn't
take the cake.

NEWKIRK:
It's a pretty rotten way to act,

if you ask me.

What happens to us?

I'd never dream
he'd do such a thing.

I know none of us would.

Boy, if that order had been
for one of us, would we go?

Like a shot.

I mean, who wouldn't like
to go home if he had a chance?

Yeah, the colonel
deserves a break.

He has all the responsibilities,
he takes the biggest risks.

It's about time he got some
recognition from the brass.

I think it's about time he got
some recognition from us, too.

Hey, how about throwing
a farewell party for him?

Yes! Perfect!

Let him know
how we feel about him.

I'll show him how I feel

by cooking the most magnificent
dinner money can buy.

That's fine for you,
but what can we do?

You can supply the money
that buys it.

Come on, give it up.

Now, here's a list
of what we want.

Here, I'll carry that
for you.

You are sure you're
not asking me

to buy anything
you should not have,

like, for instance, picks,
shovels and wire cutters, huh?

Just groceries.

It's for Colonel Hogan's
surprise party.

Hey, hey, but mum's
the word, Schultzy.

Oh.

( laughs )

A surprise, huh?

A big surprise.

Ah, let's see
what we have here.

Fresh asparagus.

Mm-hmm.

Three dozen fresh eggs.

Right.

One dozen tin caviar?!

Russian, of course.

Don't you know
there's a war on?

Where do you think
I would buy things like this?

You know
Rhinehart's Market?

I passed it by.

It's not much
of a market, though.

No, but the market
in the basement of the market is.

You can buy anything--
for a price, of course.

You want me to do business
in the black market?

Never!

Take back your grocery list
and I'll take back my gun.

Keep it. You might
change your mind.

You just saw me
change my mind-- yes to no.

My gun, please.

Now, Schultz.

Would 600 marks
change it back to yes?

No.

My gun, please.

How about a nice "maybe"
for 700, Schultz?

Not 700, not 800, not 900.

Please, I'm warning you, give me
back my gun or I'll shoot!

Not even
for 900, huh?

I'm afraid
Sergeant Schultz

is one of these men
who can't be bought.

That's not true!

I heard every man
has his price,

and I have a feeling
you're just 100 mark away

from my price.

You guys are pretty quiet.

How come you're not busy
planning my surprise party?

Schultz told you.

He didn't mean to.

I tricked him.

I said, "Hey, Schultz,
heard any good secrets lately?"

And he says, "Only the one
about your surprise party."

CARTER:
You'll be going to a lot of parties

when you get home,
and we wanted ours to be the first.

We're proud to have
served with you, sir,

and this is our way
of telling you.

Thanks, Newkirk.

I'm proud of you guys, too.

In fact, it suddenly dawned
on me what this command meant.

I'm not going to go.

I'm going to tell headquarters

I've decided to stay,
orders or not.

That's going to be
a problem, Colonel.

Your replacement's
already on his way here.

My replacement? Who is it?

I just got this message
from headquarters a while ago.

It's got all
the dope on him.

RAF colonel,
trained commando, sabotage expert.

Must say my
replacement sounds like a darn good man.

He's not the man you are.

They don't make them
like you anymore, sir.

No, sirree.

There's only one Colonel Hogan,

and... and there'll never
be another Colonel Hogan.

Unless, of course, you were to
get married and have children,

and then maybe
you could have boys,

and then maybe one
of the boys might go in the service.

Now, he could be
a "Colonel Hogan."

Carter... shut up.

Headquarters say
where I'm to be picked up?

Am I walking,
swimming, flying? What?

Well, your replacement
will have that information.

We still have the Berlin Express
to take care of.

Well, I got the old
bombs finished.

And we'll put them
on the track as scheduled, sir.

Good.

Colonel Hogan,
the commandant wants to see you at once.

What about, Schultz?

The commandant
does not take me into his confidence.

Yeah, I wish
we hadn't, either.

Tattletale.

When there's something

you don't want me
to say anything about,

just tell me nothing
and, I swear,

I won't mention it
to anybody.

Ha, ha.

( knocking on door )

Come in, come in.

Oh, Hogan, come in.

How nice of you to drop by.

I didn't drop by.
You sent for me.

Oh, that's right.

Hogan, why don't you sit down,
relax for a moment?

When you're that
cheerful this early, I never relax.

Well...

I suppose you're wondering
why I sent for you. Am I right?

What an amazing bit
of mind reading.

How about letting me in
on the joke?

Oh, it's not really a joke.

It's funny to me,

but I don't think it's
going to be funny to you.

( laughing )

Look, Klink, I got
better things to do

than to stand here
and listen to you cackle.

Oh, please, Hogan.

I don't very often get
the chance to chop you down.

I'd just like to savor
that moment.

What do you mean "chop me down"?

Well, it has something to do
with a British officer

who was captured
a few miles from here.

They'll be bringing him in
shortly.

So?

This British
officer, Hogan,

is a colonel.

A colonel, Hogan.

Now you understand
why I'm laughing?

Yeah, you're a nut.

Now I suppose you're going
to say he outranks me.

That's right.

The moment he
comes in this gate,

you are no longer
the senior officer.

And that doesn't
bother you?

I couldn't be happier.

I can use the rest.

I have not
dismissed you yet!

You know, I like the way
you're taking this, Hogan.

Now, would you like me
to tell you the name

of this British officer?

Why should I care
about his name?

Because it happens
to be Colonel Crittendon.

Crittendon!

( chuckling ):
That struck a nerve, didn't it?

Chop, chop, chop.

Colonel Klink, that man
disrupted the morale

of this entire camp.

He's nuttier than you are.

He should be locked up
somewhere.

That's right.

And he will be...

right here.

And you will kindly
remove your things

from the colonel's quarters.

You're putting him
in our barracks?

I wouldn't dream
of putting him anywhere else.

Chop, chop, chop
again, Hogan.

Oh, I hope you're
enjoying yourself.

Oh, yes, I am.

And thank you, Hogan,
for falling apart so beautifully.

You know, that look
on your face--

ooh, it's even better
than I'd hoped for.

I'm glad I didn't
disappoint you.

May I go now?

Oh, by all means.

Oh, Hogan.

You, uh, will clean up
your quarters, won't you?

Colonel Crittendon is so fussy
about things like that.

Colonel Klink,
you're an evil man.

Yes, I am.

And it makes me feel good
all over.

Aw, don't worry.

Everything's going
to be all right.

Don't worry about it.

You're trying to tell
us some bad news, right, Colonel?

Well, you might say it was bad
news. Then again, you might not.

It's up to you to decide
what kind of news it is.

Achtung!

I want you to meet your
new commanding officer.

Bad news.

Well, almost like
a reunion, eh, what?

Ha, ha!

You lads are all
looking quite, uh, uh...

( stumbling over words )

Colonel Klink, have you
been torturing these men?

Certainly not.

They all look
terrible-- pale, sickly.

( chuckling ):
It must be something that's going around the camp.

Colonel Hogan
looked the same way

when he left my office
a while ago.

Chop, chop, chop.

Well, we meet again,
Colonel Hogan.

Small world, isn't it?

Yeah. Small,
small world.

I feel like it's
closing in on me.

You, uh... got the
message from London?

Just nod yes or no.

Yes, indeed! It's
a very small world.

What was that
you whispered, Colonel?

I didn't
quite catch it.

Hogan, Hogan...

The walls have ears.

Klink must have
planted bugs all around this place.

You're right,
Colonel,

but we found
every, single one.

Still, one shouldn't
take any chances

when he's on an assignment
like this one.

Caution is the key
word in espionage.

We don't believe
in taking chances, either,

so if you'll just show me

the identification
you were given.

Oh, nicely done, sir.

Came right up to the net
on that one, didn't you?

Let me see now, uh...

Where did I put my...
uh, my secret papers?

( chuckling )

Imagine forgetting
a thing like that.

I'm sure the...
uh, the papers in my secret pocket

will give you all
the identification...

Colonel, where's
your secret pocket?

Ah, you don't
remember either, eh?

Well, it'll come to me.

Let's see, just put on

the old thinking
cap and, uh...

( chuckles )

My cap.

There you, uh...

there you are, Colonel.

HOGAN:
Well, they seem to be in order.

All right,
get rid of these.

Right you are.

First thing
they tell you

is to destroy
all secret papers

even if you
have to eat them.

Who's got a match?

Guess those
papers do taste better cooked.

I'm not cooking them,
I'm burning them.

Sergeant sounds a bit
stir crazy to me.

I think Carter
was making a joke.

Oh... excellent!

I say if a man can keep
his sense of humor,

he can take anything
Jerry dishes out.

Good man.

You make all the
jokes you please,

no matter
how bad they are.

Even in the midst
of tragedy,

you can find
something funny

if you look hard enough.

Colonel, I think you're
about to catch fire.

What?
Oh, good heavens.

Don't get alarmed, men.

Let's not panic.

Steady as she goes...

You shouldn't have
done that, sir.

That's all right.

No harm done-- just
singed my fingers a trifle.

However,
if I had lost my head,

the situation
could have been worse.

The moment
I saw the danger,

I simply kept
my wits about me,

walked over
to the trash basket

and dropped the burning
papers in there.

Colonel, you dropped them
in our laundry hamper.

CRITTENDON:
Well, I must say--

it looks like
a trash basket to me.

I advise you to write
"laundry hamper" over it.

Then this sort of thing won't
happen over and over again.

We'll do that

if there's anything
left of it.

But now if you'll excuse me,

I'll tidy up a bit
and then I'd like the men

mustered here at 053...

No, no-- that would be
0330 hundred o'clock p.m.

At least no has to do
the laundry this week.

Every piece of clothing I owned
was in that basket.

Bet you didn't have
a penny's worth

of fire
insurance either.

( laughs
heartily )

( knocking )

Come.

Got a minute,
Colonel Crittendon?

I'd like to ask you
a few questions.

Well, I'd be glad
to answer anything I can.

Of course you realize

I'm here under
secret orders, though.

Yeah, that's
my first question.

Why'd they pick you?

I wasn't picked--
I volunteered.

After all, I am familiar
with the camp,

and with my commando
and sabotage training,

who could be better
for the job?

Exactly how much
commando training did you have?

Oh, the whole show.

That commando corps
separates the men from the boys.

I confess, at first I didn't
think I'd be able to cut it.

Took every ounce of grit
and determination in me.

I made it, but, uh...

I wouldn't like to go through
a weekend like that again.

Two days of commando training?

Actually it was three.

I stayed on an extra day

to brush up on
my hand-to-hand combat.

Yeah, I suppose
during the three days

you also became
a sabotage expert.

Ah, no.

No, that was
another course I took

after I left the hospital.

Let me, uh, let me
show you something.

( shouts dramatically )

Rather neat trick, eh, Hogan?

Yes, indeed,
a very neat trick.

Does a neat job, too.

This knife is razor sharp.

Yeah, I
can feel it.

It's a razor-
sharp knife.

Dreamed this one
up myself.

So far it seems to have
fooled Jerry, doesn't it?

Yeah, well, around here,
Jerry isn't too hard to fool.

Colonel Hogan,
I've been giving some thought

to your escape from here,
and it occurred to me...

Colonel, my hat.

How's that?

You stabbed my hat.

Oh, awfully sorry, Hogan.

I keep forgetting
to put it together again.

Usually cut a neat slice
in my shirt sleeve.

See? I've done it again,

only this time
it's your shirt, what.

That's okay--
it'll go well with my hat.

Right you are.

Anyway,
as I was saying,

I've been giving
some thought

to your escape
from here.

Colonel,
it can't be from here.

We're blowing up
the Berlin Express

and the Kessling refinery
tomorrow night.

Any escape from Stalag 13
would be too risky.

I see what you mean.

Supposing, uh...
supposing you were to be transferred

to another camp,
and while en route

you made your escape
with the aid of the,

uh, of the underground.

That's a good idea, but how
do we arrange my transfer?

Well if, uh,
if Klink thought

an important prisoner
like Colonel Hogan

were attempting an escape,

he'd have you out of here
before you could try it.

He sure would.

And I know just the pitch
I'm going to give him.

Colonel Hogan!

The senior officer
is the only one

to have contact
with the commandant.

I'll do the talking
to Klink.

Look, it really might be better
if you let me handle him.

I've been doing it
for some time now.

Don't worry,
I'll handle Klink.

And believe me,
in no time at all,

you'll be free as a bird.

Chirp, chirp.

I got your message,

but I had
some difficulty

getting permission
from Klink.

Did Newkirk
give you the key?

It's right here in my pocket.

You'd be mad as a March hare
to make a break from here.

Stop wasting time.

Unlock the cell door
and leave it shut.

There you are.

If you do try anything,

just how far
do you think you'll get?

I'm going
to try something

and I hope to get
as far as the next prison camp.

Colonel Hogan-- Commandant Klink
wants to see you.

Ah, I appreciate
your coming, sir.

Don't bother
to appreciate anything.

Colonel Crittendon asked me
to do this as a personal favor.

Since when are
you doing favors for the enemy?

Because although
we're on different sides,

I have a great deal of respect
for Colonel Crittendon.

He is a fine officer
and an honorable man...

And a dirty
stool pigeon.

And he kept you
from committing suicide.

No one will ever escape
from Stalag 13

as long as I'm its commandant.

And that won't
be much longer.

Yeah, I'm busting out of your
prison camp, Colonel Klink.

Just wanted to give you
advance notice so you can pack.

You don't bust out of anyplace

until you bust out of
this bust-proof cell,

and that's a good trick
in itself.

That's why I'm glad
I'm locked up in here.

The more sensational my escape,

the sooner we'll get you
to a cooler climate.

Hogan, why did
you want to see me?

Just wanted to warn you.

I owe you that.

Oh, no, Hogan.

You just wanted
to annoy me,

get me upset--
but it won't work.

Good night, Colonel.

These has-beens will do anything
to get attention.

Schultz, I really believe
that Hogan is cracking up.

Still convinced
I can't escape, aren't you?

Hogan, how many times
do I have to tell you,

no one ever escapes
from Stalag 13.

Care to make
a little bet on that?

Look, Hogan,
I'm very tired, it's late.

Why don't you
go back to your cell and go to bed, hmm?

What are you
doing out here?

Just trying to make a bet.

Schultz, put him
back in there.

Why weren't you
watching him?

Herr Kommandant,
I was listening to you.

You are supposed
to guard prisoners,

not listen to
foolish chatter.

But Herr Kommandant,
it was not foolish chatter.

Whatever you said
was very interesting.

Schultz, you Dummkopf,
you dunderhead.

If you fellas don't mind,

I'd like to get back
into my bust-proof cell

to start planning my escape.

Hogan, get
back in there.

Good night.

See you in the morning... maybe.

Say au revoir, Hogan,
and get into the truck.

The men can write you
at Stalag 15.

I'll say my own good-byes,
if you don't mind.

Newkirk-- you and Carter
take care of those packages?

Everything's all right, sir.

We should hear
something tonight.

Good luck, Colonel.

Is it all right if I give
Hogan a gift, Colonel?

What kind of a gift,
Colonel Crittendon?

Oh, just
my swagger cane.

I'd... I'd like him
to have it

for old time's sake.

All right, Hogan.

Take the stick and
get into the truck.

Hurry up,
hurry up, men.

I don't want him
to miss the train.

Train?

You're going
in style today, Hogan.

The Berlin Express.

Berlin Express?

Did you hear that, guys?

I'm going to be on
the Berlin Express.

I hate good-byes,

so we'll just say
"Till we meet again."

Right.

And let's meet real soon,
shall we?

Soon!

I think one more stroke
ought to do it, sir.

We don't want to
bring her down just yet.

We'll wait until LeBeau
sees the van approaching.

Then with one blow,

my ax will drop this tree
in front of them.

Don't you think we ought
to do that now, Colonel,

instead of waiting
till the last minute?

Yeah, this
is one train

we don't want the
colonel to catch.

The element of surprise
will be a great advantage to us.

We'll be on those guards
before they know what happened.

The colonel
is right there.

They'll be like
sitting ducks for us.

Extraordinary thing.

It takes a long time to change
those tires, doesn't it?

Nothing to it
on an American truck.

Shut up.

Get back in the van.

They're almost
ready to go.

About time.

Back inside--
everyone.

Back inside.

That means you, too.

Inside!

What'd you do now
to that tire?

Nothing,
I-I-I...

just kicked it
with my foot.

What are you using
for rubber these days--

banana peels?

One more word from you...

No, you won't.

Put your
hands up.

Move!

All right, you guys--

let's see how fast
you can fix that tire.

What do we
do with them, Colonel?

We'll drop them off,

let the underground
take care of them.

Then can we drive
over by the refinery

and watch
the explosion?

No time for that, Carter--
I got to get home.

Oh-- oh, yeah,
I forgot.

I expect you're eager to go.

Yes, I am.

As the song says,
be it ever so humble,

there's no place like...
Stalag 13.

Hogan, tell me--

when the underground
freed you,

why did you
come back here?

Been asking myself
that same question.

Some invisible
force seemed to be pulling me back.

I guess...
aw, it sounds silly.

What?

You'll just laugh.

Please-- I already
laughed once this week.

Hogan, what are you
trying to say?

I'm back because I
missed the old dungeon.

You have no idea how I felt
as I came over the hill

and saw the sun setting
beyond the machine-gun turrets.

Hogan!

The barbed wire
sparkling like spun gold

and the delousing
station at twilight time.

Colonel Klink...

this is a
veritable paradise.

Hogan, I don't believe
one word of this.

But I agree with you
about Colonel Crittendon.

He cannot be trusted.

You give him one inch,
he'll take 50 yards.

You know,
he'd gotten that far

when Schultz spotted him.

Crittendon tried
to make a break?

Oh, he denied it,
of course.

Said he was coming in,
not going out.

Where is he now?

On his way to Stalag 15.

Oh, he's a menace.

He's got to be
locked up somewhere.

I mean somewhere else.

There is no room here
for troublemakers.

We can do without
him very nicely.

Incidentally,
what time have you got?

Oh, it's, uh,
7:29 and 40 seconds.

Exactly?

I just set it by my radio.

( explosion )

Hogan, what is it?
What's happening?

Your radio is
12 seconds slow.

What has that
got to do with it?

Who knows?

Oh, one other
thing, Colonel.

What?

Chop, chop, chop.

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