All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s03e18 Is There a Doctor in the House.eng

( theme song playing )

No personal calls on
company time, Kinch.

Shh! It's
the British sub.

( beeping )

Roger. Over and out.

When can they make
the rendezvous?

Thursday.
Thursday?

That means we're going
to have to hide her

for 48 hours.
Her? What her?

Who's her?!

The girl from
the French underground

that Colonel Hogan's
bringing in.

The one we're going
to get out to the sub.

A girl?!

Janine Robinet--
a fashion model

in Paris
before the war,

and one of the great
French beauties.

Ooh-la-la.

You never told me this!

It must have
slipped me mind.

You are cruel, Newkirk.

The English are
a cruel people.

They behead their wives!

Oh, come off it, LeBeau.

You seen one French bird,
you've seen... them all.

You were saying?

Blimey! I don't
think old Henry

would put her head
on the block.

Gentlemen, Janine Robinet.

This is LeBeau, Newkirk,
and that's Kinch.

How are you?

Hello.
( speaking French )

Oh, you're French.
Oh, like a sidewalk cafe.

NEWKIRK:
I've always been very keen on French toast.

Never mind
the salesmanship.

Merci.

Kinch, did you get
through to the sub?

All set, Colonel.

The rendezvous
is Thursday at 2200 hours

off Weingarten Beach.

Thursday. That's perfect.

When Klink leaves
for the staff meeting in Mendelburg,

we'll slip Janine into
the trunk of his car.

But, Colonel, Mendelburg
is 40 miles from the coast.

HOGAN:
That's right, but when he stops there,

the underground
will transfer you to a milk truck

for the rest
of the trip.

But how do we know old Klink's
going to stop at Mendelburg?

Because he always stops at
Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau

for a glass of beer,
a pinch of salt and a pinch of barmaid.

No wonder he always comes back
with a smashed monocle.

Janine, you're going
to have to stay down here

for the next couple of days,
but you'll be safe.

Safe? It is
the first time

I have felt safe
in a long time.

But you, you are all
risking so much for me.

You and a lot
of other brave people

you've been working with.

But we can't let
the Gestapo get you.

But I would not talk.

We can't risk that--
not with those animals.

Let's go.

Is there
anything special

you would like for dinner,
Mademoiselle?

Ah, no need to make
a fuss, LeBeau.

Just send us down
whatever you got--

maybe a bottle of wine
and a couple of candles.

I always dine by
candlelight, my dear.

( speaking French )

Oh?

And you said
the English were cruel. Up.

Colonel,
how can you let this girl

eat down here
by herself?

Who said she's going
to be by herself?

Janine?

Oui, Colonel?

I'll bring the wine.

Oh, lovely shot
there, Kinchie!

Here you are, LeBeau.

See if you can do any better.

Okay, I'll try.

Colonel Hogan.

Yeah, we know, Schultz--
roll call.

But I want the men
to finish their game.

There won't be
any roll call.

Look, no arguments, Schultz.

This is our exercise period.

I said, there will
be no roll call!

And I said...

No roll call?

That's right.

Colonel Klink is sick.

Nothing trivial, I hope?

Probably
the German measles.

Is it contagious,
Schultzy?

I don't know;
we don't even know

what kind of a
sickness he's got.

Well, just to be on
the safe side, Schultzy,

don't dance
with me today.

You all have
hearts of stone.

Schultz is right.

It's no laughing matter
when a man is sick,

especially when it's a nice guy
like Colonel Klink.

Who says
he's a nice guy?

You want him so sick

that he can't get to
the staff meeting Thursday?

And what difference
would it make to you

if he goes to the
staff meeting?

Well, for a start,

the man's been going
at it pretty hard.

Yes, he needs a rest.

I know I would need
a couple of days off

if I was a commander
in a camp

where I was a prisoner.

Well, whatever Klink's
got, it's contagious.

Oh, come on, Schultz.

You just don't believe
in your fellow man.

I want to make sure
Klink is well enough

so he can get away
for a few days.

I don't believe it.

You are up
to something.

All right, Schultz,
if you must know.

We're hiding
a beautiful model

who is being hunted
by the Gestapo,

and we plan to smuggle
her out of camp

in the trunk
of Klink's car.

Now, when he stops
at Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau

to get
his monocle smashed,

the underground is going
to pick her up

and take her
to Weingarten Beach,

where a British sub
is going to surface

and take her
back to England.

( laughing )

Is any of it true?

Only the part about
the smashed monocle.

Schultz, deep down,
you don't care,

but I intend to find out
just how sick

old, poor
Colonel Klink is.

Why don't you try
a shot, Schultzy?

Yeah, don't eat them,
Schultz. Throw them.

I bet you a chocolate bar
you can't get a ringer.

( Schultz chuckling )

Pay the man.

( Schultz chuckling )

( knock at door )

Come in, come in.

Colonel Klink?
Dismissed, Hogan.

No complaints today.
Not here to complain, sir.

I just brought
you some flowers.

Why, thank you.

There's a card
there, too, sir.

There is?

"To the heavens we all shout

'Get well quick'
to our favorite Kraut."

Carter wrote the poem,

but it sort of says it
for all of us.

I'm overwhelmed
by your sentiment.

We're just a bunch
of softies, sir.

Mmm. Hogan, wait.

These flowers--
you tore them

out of my garden,
didn't you?

It's the thought
that counts.

Dismissed, Hogan.
Now, leave me alone.

You know
I don't feel well.

I just hope you get
well enough in time

to go to that staff meeting.

I have no choice.

If I didn't go there,

there'd be no use
having a staff meeting.

It'll please
a certain little barmaid

at Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau.

How do you know about that?

You know
how people like to gossip.

What's that?
Cold compress.

Keep your eyes closed.

I didn't know
that air force pilots

were also
medical officers.

You learn a lot
from dating nurses.

I don't think this
is going to do any good.

It can't hurt.

You've got to
try everything.

I felt a lot better
before you put this on.

Mm-hmm. You just relax.

Hey, how about
me reading to you?

Just leave me alone.

A few chapters
from Mein Kampf.

Or don't you go
for science fiction?

Hogan, you're talking
about our Fuhrer.

Aha! See,
you're feeling better already.

Please leave me alone.

All right, how about
the German officer's manual?

Why would I want you to read
out of the officer's manual?

One of us ought to know
about military funerals.

Hogan, you always go
too far.

Tell me, Colonel,

do you want to wear your helmet
when we bury you,

or do you want it
on top of the coffin?

I consider that
to be in very bad taste.

I agree.

Having it on top of the coffin
is in bad taste.

Much too showy.

Dismissed, Hogan.

I order you back
to the barracks at once.

General Burkhalter.

General Burkhalter?!

What, may I ask,
are you doing, Colonel Hogan?

Reading Klink bedtime stories?

Uh, sir, Colonel Hogan
was just visiting.

I find it very interesting
that an American prisoner

should be so concerned
about the health

of a German commandant.

Well, it is true,
we're on opposite sides

and Colonel Klink
belongs to the enemy

but, after all, he
is a human being.

Give or take
a little.

What is this?

Well, sir, you see,
the men, they were...

Klink, shut up,

or I'll put that compress
on your mouth.

"To the heavens
we all shout

"'Get well quick'
to our favorite Kraut.

From the gang
at Stalag 13."

Klink,

there must be
something wrong

with the way you are
running this camp

if the prisoners should be
so concerned about your health.

You see, sir, the
men were worried about the commandant.

We think a
lot of him.

I am not here to discuss

what you think
of Colonel Klink, Hogan!

Major Hochstetter
is in this area

looking for a member
of the French underground.

I do not wish any trouble
with the Gestapo.

I am sending
for Colonel Busser

to take over
during your illness.

But General Burkhalter,
the staff meeting...

Klink!

They won't even know
you are missing.

Dr. Kronk will
examine you tomorrow,

and I am recommending
that you be sent to a rest camp.

Klink's going to a rest camp?

HOGAN:
Yup.

LeBEAU:
But then it will be impossible

to get Janine to Mendelburg
to meet the underground.

That's right.

What are we going
to do, Colonel?

We've got to cure Klink

before the medical officer
gets here.

What do you think
he's got?

Nothing. A mild
case of the flu.

Where's our medic?

In the hospital
with a mild case of the flu.

Swell.

I think I could cure Klink.

I remember a remedy
that my grandmother had.

Everybody's grandmother's
got a remedy.

But my grandmother
happened to be a midwife.

Oh, well, if we
hear Klink's going to have a baby,

we'll call for you.

Very funny.

All right,
knock it off.

Kinch, get in
touch with London.

Tell them we need
an emergency drop of penicillin.

Right, Colonel.

Colonel, you think
you can get Klink to sit still

for a shot
of penicillin?

We don't want
him to sit still.

We want him
to bend over.

He's not going
to know he's going to get the shot.

He's not?
Of course not.

He's going to think
he's being cured

by your
grandmother's remedy.

Incidentally,
what is it?

A hot mustard plaster
on the chest.

And, around the neck,
a string of garlic.

We may cure Klink,
but I'm afraid

he's going to strike out
with the barmaid again.

Carter, never
mind laughing. Do some work.

Now, come on.
Get on with it.

All right.

You don't see
anything different about me, do you?

All right, let's go.

Uh-huh.
Two flashes blue,

two white,
two more blue.

All right, Newkirk,
give them the answer.

They read us.
Let's go.

Make it fast.

The Krauts might
have seen this come down.

And, if they
find it, they find us.

Kinch, here's
the penicillin.

Right.

You know, that
mustard plaster of yours

don't smell like
any mustard plaster

my grandmother
used to make.

Kinch is right.
Smells good enough to eat.

It is. I made it
with béarnaise sauce.

Béarnaise sauce?

I was out of mustard.

You think Klink
will go for that?

When we get
finished with him,

he'd be willing to put
a banana split on his chest.

Qu'est-ce que c'est
banana split?

Well, you cut
a banana in half,

you layer on a few
scoops of ice cream,

then some whipped cream,
some nuts,

put a cherry on top,

cover the whole
thing with chocolate sauce...

Please don't
talk like that

in front of my
béarnaise sauce.

All right.

Halt! Who goes there?

Heinrich Himmler,
Joseph Goebbels,

and I'm Hermann Goering.

Jolly jokers.

Herr Kommandant
left strict orders

not to be disturbed.

Schultz,
the poor man is sick.

There are absolutely

no visiting hours here!

We did not come to visit.

We're on a mission
of mercy.

Mission of mercy?
That's right.

We're a crack
medical team, Schultz,

and we've got
something here

that's going
to cure Colonel Klink.

Oh, it smells
good enough to eat.

That's medicine.

You cannot
go in there.

You've got
a heart of stone.

Those are my orders!

Look at it
this way, Schultz.

If Klink doesn't get well,

do you know
what's going to happen?

They're going to ship him off
to a rest camp,

and that's just
a jumping-off spot

for the Russian front.

Ja?

Look at it another way,
Schultz.

Who's the first one
Klink's going to take with him?

Who can refuse
a mission of mercy?

Please save the commandant.

And, if you need any blood,
don't go to strangers.

( knock at door )

Come in, come in.

Well, well.
How's our patient today?

Dismissed, Hogan.

I'm a very sick man.

Exactly why we're here.

Stalag 13's answer
to the Mayo brothers.

KLINK:
Will you please all leave?

You're looking at a man
with 102 fever.

No problem.

LeBeau has a
perfect cure.

It's an old remedy
his grandmother used.

I'm not interested
in old remedies.

The doctor
will be here soon.

He'll see how sick I am.

He'll send me to a rest camp.

A rest camp?

I thought Burkhalter
was kidding.

Don't let him
send you, sir.

Why not?

You heard what happened

to Colonel Feldkamp
at Stalag 15?

How do you know
about Colonel Feldkamp?

I have my sources.

You and your sources.

Rumors, rumors, rumors.

Yeah, yeah. I
guess you're right.

My sources aren't too reliable.

After all, it's the same place
where I heard about you

and that barmaid at Mendelburg.

What about Feldkamp?

They thought he
was so overworked,

they sent him
to a rest camp.

And, when he got out,
he was so rested

they sent him
to the Russian front.

Now he's really resting--
in peace.

Poor Feldkamp.

Please, Colonel, for our sake,

don't let him send you
to a rest camp.

What kind of a remedy

did your grandmother have,
cockroach?

Oh, it's a fabulous
cure, Colonel.

First, you wear this ring
of garlic around your neck.

That's to draw off
the poison in your system.

Then we put
this secret

béarnaise sauce plaster
on your chest.

A béarnaise sauce
plaster on my chest?

Ridiculous.

Remember,
they laughed at Fleming

with his moldy bread.

Open your shirt, Colonel.
I will not.

All right, let him
carry it with him.

Take the chill off
the cool breeze from the Volga.

I will, I will.

Believe me, by tomorrow,
you'll be as good as new.

KLINK:
You know, I have heard

of these old-fashioned
treatments.

My grandfather used
to get it all the time.

He lived to be 108.

Oh, that's remarkable.

He would
be alive today

if he hadn't gotten involved
with a young widow.

Oh, well,
that's another story.

( screams )

Something the matter, sir?

Something stuck me.

Probably a loose spring
in the mattress.

I'll have Schultz
fix it right away.

I think the best thing
now is plenty of sleep.

We'll stop by
in the morning.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Oh, cockroach?

Yes, sir.

Do you really think

that béarnaise sauce plaster
and the garlic could cure me?

Absolutely.

Just don't expect
too many visitors.

Amazing!

You look the
picture of health.

KLINK:
Good morning, good morning!

I feel
absolutely marvelous.

Corporal LeBeau,
I am most grateful

to you
and your grandmother.

That sauce béarnaise plaster
was an absolute miracle drug.

Now you'll be able to go
to your big staff meeting.

Oh, yes,
I'm looking forward to it.

All you need now is a
shatterproof monocle.

( knock at door )

Come in, come in.

Colonel Klink?

Yes, yes?
Dr. Kronk.

Ah, Dr. Kronk,
how nice to see you!

These are two
of my prisoners--

Colonel Hogan,
Corporal LeBeau.

But I thought I would
find you sick in bed.

Aha! That was yesterday.

Today I am
in perfect health.

You must be to be eating
such rich food for lunch.

Oh, I haven't
had my lunch yet.

Then my compliments
to your chef.

They must be cooking

something quite delicious
in the mess hall.

I think you're smelling
the béarnaise sauce.

Yes, that's
what cured me.

Oh? You were cured by
eating béarnaise sauce?

No, Doctor.

We put it on his chest.

Yesterday,
I had 102 fever.

This morning, I woke up
absolutely normal.

Here, feel my head.

You are fine.

It is me I am worrying about.

I understand the Fuhrer
goes in for offbeat cures.

You could make
a big hit with him

with this béarnaise
sauce plaster.

I could also be
practicing medicine

on the Russian front.

Doctor, I can assure you
that this cure works.

The Fuhrer
would be most grateful.

LeBeau, write out
a prescription for the doctor.

You can get it filled
at almost any French restaurant.

Never mind.

German doctors
are a little sensitive

when they discover they're
behind the French in medicine.

We are not
behind the French.

Well, it's obvious

that there is
a béarnaise sauce plaster gap.

You must excuse me,
please, Colonel.

I have other calls to make.

Pleasure
to see you, sir.

( chuckling )

Well, our troubles are over.

Our troubles?

Well, now you can go
to your staff meeting.

Yes, I can.

Klink!

Major Hochstetter!

What are these men doing here?

I'm his personal
physician.

I'm his night nurse.

What can I do
for you, Major?

For the next 48 hours,

no one is to go in
or out of this camp.

And you are ordered immediately
to double your security force.

Double
the security force?

HOGAN:
With his record?

What are these
men doing here?

He's right, sir.
There has never been

a successful escape
from Stalag 13.

We have reason
to believe there's a girl

from the French
underground in this area.

A French girl?

This is a piece of cloth
from a garment she wore.

Hmm. That's interesting.
Very interesting.

HOCHSTETTER:
Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00,

we are bringing
in tracking dogs

especially trained
by the Gestapo.

It is possible this girl
is hiding in this very camp.

Oh, no, sir.

Impossible.
Ridiculous.

What are these
men doing here!?

Sir, do you think
the tracking dogs are necessary?

Yes, I think
they're necessary!

Yes, sir, I think
they're necessary, too.

A very wise move.

I shall cooperate with you

to the fullest,
Major Hochstetter.

( clattering )

Clumsy!

Here, let me wipe
that up for you.

Are you crazy?

I'm sorry. That's
what you're using to find the girl.

If the dogs lead Hochstetter
to the barracks,

Janine goes,
and so does our whole operation.

Right. Now,
everything depends

on split-second timing.

Newkirk, you've got
to have the girl ready

at exactly 2:45.
Right, sir.

I shall have her ready
at exactly 2:55.

He just said 2:45.

I'm going to need
at least ten minutes

to make up with her.

Newkirk.
2:50?

2:45!
All right, sir.

Kinch, you and Carter
are responsible

for getting Janine
across the compound

to Klink's car.

Right.
Okay.

Colonel.

The béarnaise sauce plaster
is ready.

Good.

How are we supposed
to manage all this

if they're bringing in
those tracking dogs?

'Cause they're going
to be tracking Klink.

Klink?
That's right.

He's our red herring
with béarnaise sauce.

Isn't he off
that phone yet?

He's still talking
to General Burkhalter.

We're running
behind schedule.

Wait. He just finished.

All right, look.
If Hochstetter arrives,

try to stall him.
How?

Tell him Klink is
talking to the General Staff.

No, that's no good;
he'd listen in.

Um, play up to him.

Invite him to the next
Joy Through Strength picnic.

I couldn't.
I can't stand that man.

Don't be too harsh on him.

Underneath
that black Gestapo uniform

beats a warm,
sensitive...

Swastika. Forget it.

Tell him Himmler wants
him to call him, collect.

( phone ringing )

Office of the commandant.

Major Hochstetter?

Yes, I'll have him call
Reichfuhrer Himmler

as soon as he arrives. Collect.

But, Hogan,
I feel perfectly well.

We didn't want
to say anything

in front of
Major Hochstetter,

but your eyes
look funny.

My eyes?
Yes, they look glassy.

But that's nonsense.
I feel perfectly well.

And your face-- it's got

that same
pale green color it had

just before
you got sick.

It does?
Mm-hmm.

To tell you the truth,
I don't feel so well,

and I'm getting warmer.

Am I all right?

Don't worry, Colonel.

And I wanted so much
to attend that meeting.

She's waiting...

I mean, they're waiting.

LeBeau, I think we
caught it just in time.

Quick, Colonel.
What are you doing?

Well, we've got to go
back to your treatment.

Open your
shirt, Colonel.

You think that's necessary?

Would you rather gamble
on an all-expense trip

to the Russian front
by way of a rest camp?

No, no, no.

Do you think it'll work again?

This
and the bicycle ride.

What bicycle ride?
That's right.

That's the one thing
LeBeau forgot--

fresh air
and exercise.

That's why my
grandfather lived to be 108.

Uh-huh. We've got a bicycle
right outside.

A couple of times
around the camp

and you'll be in great shape
for the staff meeting.

With a little stop
in Mendelburg.

I'm beginning
to feel better already.

NEWKIRK:
All right, now, take it easy.

And keep your head down.

Now, remember, Colonel,
twice around the camp.

Yeah, and I suggest
you ride that way, sir.

It'll be easier
for you.

Why will it be easier?

The wind'll be
at your back.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

Better hold him up. That's it.

Merci.

Move around her, fellas.

There's Hochstetter
and his dog act.

( hounds baying )

Let's hope
the béarnaise sauce takes.

( hounds baying )

LeBeau,
you're a big success.

Schultz! Ahh!

( hounds baying )

Let's go.

Thank you for
everything, Colonel.

Especially for
the candlelight dinner.

My pleasure but,
next time, let's go to your place.

Good luck.

All right, get going.

Bon appétit,
little doggies!

I wish I could
see Klink's face.

( barking )

Schultz! Schultz!

How much
does he owe you?

Well, let's just put it

he's going to have to work
for me after the war.

I just got word
from the British sub.

Janine is aboard
and on her way to England.

She sends thanks to all.

That's great.

Did she send me
a message?

A message for you?

I hate to break
your heart, LeBeau

but, before she left,

we overcame
the language barrier.

You know, I almost forgot.

Janine said to tell you

that exactly one year
after the armistice,

she'll meet you
under the Eiffel Tower

at 1:00 in the afternoon.

She'll be wearing
a pink cotton dress,

and you should wear a
carnation in your lapel.

Are you kidding?

Boy, am I kidding.

Colonel Klink.

Welcome back, sir.

How do you feel?

The Fuhrer should
feel so good.

Staff meeting
went well?

Yes.
And, uh, Mendelburg?

Hogan, to tell you the truth,

I think I've got to
stop seeing that barmaid.

Really?

Yes. She's getting
too serious.

She couldn't keep her
hands off me this time.

Well, I
can understand that.

It's a shame. She was
such a lovely girl.

Mm-hmm.

Well, that's women for you.

Smashed your monocle
and everything, huh?

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