All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s03e05 Funny Thing Happened on the Way to London.eng

( theme song playing )

Schultz, everything ready?

Yes, Herr Kommandant,
as you ordered.

Good.
Herr Kommandant,

shall I put the
prisoners into the barracks?

No, leave them alone.

I want them to see
who is arriving.

Especially Hogan.

Ooh, I understand.

No, you don't.

But that's nothing new.

If Blood and Guts
drags out the welcome mat,

it's got to be something.

And he's smiling.

When he's smiling,
he's happy.

When is he happy?

When he's being a sneak.
Correct.

That's an RAF officer.
A group captain, at least.

Now, why are they taking him
to special quarters?

Yes, there's
something going on.

Yeah, who is he?

NEWKIRK:
Don't worry, Colonel,

we'll find out for you.
Yeah, we're going to...

Don't you worry about it.

We'll work day and night, sir.

We'll find out.

All right, all right.

Hold it. Hold it.

I appreciate your spirit,
but don't waste your time.

I already know who it is.

It's Group Captain
James Roberts,

an important RAF officer
and a good friend of mine.

Now, let's find out why

he's getting
the VIP treatment.

( chuckling )

To a successful mission.

And to the elimination
of the number one enemy

of the Third Reich,
Winston Churchill.

And Himmler will settle
for nothing less

than perfection itself.

Of course, Major.

Now, if I were in
his place, I would...

Fortunately for Germany,
you are not.

Now, is everything
crystal clear?

Major, it cannot
fail because it is simplicity itself.

Exactly.

I knew you would understand
anything simple, Klink.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Now, I believe
that it would be...

Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan
has requested to see you.

By all means,
let him come in.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Our fish is nibbling
at the bait.

My fish.
Colonel Klink.

Yes, Hogan, what
is it, what is it?

You have a new prisoner,

Group Captain
James Roberts, RAF.

I want to see him.

He wants to see
the prisoner.

That's not surprising.

That's not surprising.

Of course, now
that I've made the request,

I'm sure you'll deny it.

He says we'll deny it.

We will?

We will?

As senior officer here,
I'm entitled to talk

to any new prisoner
brought into this stalag,

and you know it.

If I'm not allowed
to see him,

it'll be in
direct violation

of the Geneva Prisoner
of War Convention,

and I'll make a
formal complaint

to the Red Cross and
the protecting power.

Very well,
you may see the prisoner.

You may see
the prisoner.

And believe me,
when word gets back

to the big boys on our side,

you'll see what happens
to Ger...

What did you say?

I said you may see
the prisoner

anytime you like.

There you are, Hogan.

Your request has been granted.

You guys ought
to give me a little notice

when you're going to
do something decent.

Really?
Yeah.

I faint very easily.

I went along on a recon mission
over the French coast

to have a look
at their fortifications.

That's when
they got you?

Mm. Right.

Two Messerschmitts came up
and had a proper go at us,

and blasted our port engine.

I had to bail out,

and I hadn't a prayer
on the ground.

They nabbed me
straightaway.

How long were you in Stalag 9?

Oh, roughly two months, I'd say.

They behaved decently enough,
for Jerries,

but still jolly strenuous.

Interrogation?

Days of it; weeks, in fact.

They never gave me
a moment of privacy.

They took pictures of me,

they recorded my voice
while they questioned me.

Recorded your voice-- why?

I haven't the foggiest, old boy.

But you know
the way the Krauts are--

they're sticklers for detail.

Never miss
a trick.

Yeah, I know.

Hogan, what are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

Just stretching.

Well, um, how are
you getting on

here in Stalag 13?

Oh, deliriously happy.

I must say it's
a rather grubby- looking place.

I did ask for a P.O.W. camp
on the French Riviera,

but they couldn't get me
a reservation.

It seems they, uh, they were
all full up for the season.

"All full up
for the season."

Heh, that's jolly good.

Our little plan
seems to be going well.

Our little plan?

Ah, the Gestapo is most
efficient, I always say.

Thank you, Klink.

Now be quiet.

Well, Robbie, I guess
I'll be going along.

Well, awfully decent
of you to stop by.

I'll try to stop by
again tomorrow

if the Krauts let me.

Jolly good.
So long.

Krauts are up
to something big,

and I think it
may involve you.

What did they question
you about at Stalag 9?

Everything.

They know I'm on
Air Marshal Tittle's staff,

RAF liaison
with the War Council;

that I attend briefings
they give Sir Winston.

Very convenient.

They fell all over themselves

giving me permission to see you,
and alone.

Again, why?

That's anybody's guess.

Time to stop guessing
and find out.

Robbie-- I can't believe
he'd have anything to do

with killing Churchill.

He said it himself--
he can get near Churchill.

The Krauts are treating him
very nicely.

I think he sold out.

Him collaborate with the Nazis?

That man over there is British.

Not Robbie.

I'm sorry, Newkirk,
we've got to consider it.

Even if he was involved,

why transfer him
to Stalag 13?

The Krauts had him
on ice at Stalag 9.

Colonel.

Colonel, there's
something going on in Klink's office.

I had the bug tuned in,
and I heard them talking.

It sounds important.

And so far, every detail
of our plan

has worked beautifully.

Yes, beautifully.

Major, I've been through
a good deal

in the last few months
without being told anything.

They've got Roberts in there.

Oui, and he's making noises
like one of them.

Now I should like to know--
exactly what is my mission?

You have been
chosen to kill

the greatest
enemy we Germans have in this war--

Winston Churchill.

Voilà.
The sellout.

No, he won't do it.

Right, sir, not
one of our lads.

Major... I am honored.

That bleedin' traitor.

Hold it.

Oh, I, too, am honored.

I mean, I'm honored
to be part of this.

Group Captain Roberts

has the highest
security clearance.

He is frequently
near Churchill

when the British
War Council meets.

On one of those occasions,
you will shoot him.

And please, don't miss him.

( chuckling )

I mean, the major has gone
through a lot of trouble

to set this up.

This has been very expensive.

You will be flown
from here to the Belgian coast.

There you will take a small boat
across the channel--

the final leg of your miraculous
escape from the Germans.

I understand, sir.

And when does
the major leave?

Not when, but how
is most important.

For purposes
of your cover story,

you will ask Colonel Hogan
to help you escape from here.

The Commandant will make sure
you are not caught in the act.

Very ingenuous.

Major Hochstetter,

there has never been

a successful escape
from Stalag 13.

Now, you're destroying
a brilliant record.

We can destroy Stalag
13's record here,

or your own
brilliant record

will come to an end
on the Russian front,

about ten minutes
after you arrive there.

Your choice.

I think you're going to
have a marvelous escape.

Good luck.
Thank you, sir.

All right, Klink.

Bring in our guest.

Fraulein Hilda,
send in our guest.

In heaven's name...?!

Group Captain Roberts,
Leutnant Baumann.

Group Captain.

He could be my twin.

In a way, he is.

( chuckling ):
He is.

A double.

Those twisters!

C'est pas croyable!

They can't do that.

It's illegal.

Fantastic!

They do wonders
with plastic surgery.

I have this friend
in Dusseldorf, a Mrs. Schrenk,

charming woman,
slight sag around the chin,

well, you know how it is.

Anyway, she phoned
this certain Dr. Halstrocker,

now, he advised her...

Not now, Klink.

This is monstrous.

He certainly looked a great
deal like you to start,

but the surgeons have done
a remarkable job, no?

The pictures.

That's why you took
those pictures of me.

Yes, indeed, Group Captain.

From the beginning,
it's been rather a lark.

Uh, jolly good fun, actually.

He's even imitated
my voice.

Of course--
the recordings.

Colonel, how'd they get
the double

in the camp
without us seeing him?

That's what
I'd like to know.

They could've sneaked
him in any night.

We're supposed to know

everything that goes on
around here.

That's what I thought.

Well, I am satisfied.

So am I.

I am glad.

I don't think
we need detain

Group Captain Roberts
any longer, Colonel.

Oh, of course not, Major.

We shall move you to slightly
less comfortable quarters,

but much more,
shall I say, uh...

uh, colorful?

Whatever it is
you're planning,

you won't get away with it,
I promise you that.

Guard!

Carter, outside.

See where
they take him.

Back on the double.

Right, Colonel.

Now, there remains
one important test,

the real reason
you were brought here.

Today you will move
into Captain Roberts' quarters.

Then you will ask
to see your friend,

Colonel Hogan.

And he must believe
that I am Roberts.

Exactly.

They were very good friends

when Hogan was assigned
to the RAF.

If you can deceive him,
you are ready for your mission.

And I think
he can do it, Major.

There is one final detail.

This was developed

by the Gestapo
Section A.

It is carried strapped
to the forearm so--

under the tunic, of course--

and fired
by muscular action.

( click )

Well, that is certainly
can't-miss.

HOGAN:
When he shakes hands with Churchill,

he fires the gun.

There's a shot that'll be heard
round the world.

Colonel, can't
we stop it?

I mean, that's Winnie they're
talking about blasting.

Well, we can notify London...

Sure, then they'll
grab the assassin

before he can
do any harm.

That's it, kids,
warm up the tubes a bit.

But it won't save Roberts.

The Krauts can't afford

to have two Captain Roberts
running around.

So they'll kill the
real one, huh?

Five minutes
after the phony takes off.

Can't we spring Roberts?

How?

We haven't got a chance.

That's about all we do have
is one chance.

They put Roberts
in the cooler, sir.

Do we still have a branch tunnel
leading in there?

Yes, it connects
with the emergency tunnel.

Well, let's get him out tonight.

We can't move Roberts
until we're sure

we have his double stopped.

No problem there, sir.

You just give me
one of our guns,

and I'll put a nice little hole
right between his eyes.

That might not stop him,
but it'll slow him down a bit.

Great. Great.

And then the Gestapo stops us
with a firing squad.

Sir, we just can't let them
have a shot at old Winnie.

HOGAN:
I'm with you, Newkirk.

I mean, the war wouldn't
be the same without him.

Ah, you got it!

Come on, Colonel,
it's your turn!

Let's go.
Let's go, coach.

Let's go.

( cheers )

NEWKIRK:
Hi. Very nice.

We checked the
tunnel that goes into the cooler.

First-class
conditions, sir.

No cave-ins anywhere.

Use it anytime you want.

Good.

Hey, you know,
maybe after the war,

we ought to get a
job digging tunnels.

Yeah, we can go from jail
to jail, charge by the foot.

Use the money
to pay your psychiatrist.

I don't need
a psychiatrist.

Yes, it may be
a little late, at that.

SCHULTZ:
Hogan!

Yeah, Schultz?

Captain Roberts
wants to see you.

All right. Did you check it
with Klink first?

Ja, Commandant
Klink says

you can have
ten minutes with the prisoner.

Ten minutes?!

Oh, come on, Schultz.

Hardly long enough
to eat a chocolate bar.

20 minutes?

Eat slowly.

KINCH:
Hey, Schultz.

Come on.

LeBEAU:
Come on, Schultzy. Throw one up.

Come on, throw one up.
Here we go.

Come on, Schultzy.

Come on...

Escape?
Right.

I have no idea

what the Jerries
have in mind for me.

I'd rather take my chances.

This is not just
an ordinary Stalag.

There's never been
a successful escape.

Well... perhaps I can, uh,
reverse the trend.

A perfect
no escape record.

Now, if all the stalags
in Germany could...

Klink, you're blowing
up like a pouter pigeon.

Listen.

It'll take us weeks to
dig a tunnel for you.

No, no, that's out
of the question.

I want to do this
rather the simple, direct way.

Robbie, you're dealing

with the toughest commandant
in Germany.

Behind that stupid expression,
there's a monster.

Look, I didn't have a chance
to tell you

when you were last here,

but...

I managed to bring a
pair of wire cutters

from Stalag 9.

You just go out and cut the wire
and get away?

Exactly.

The Huns won't
expect anything so bold and simple.

It just might work,

if we insured it
with a diversion.

Jolly good idea.

A diversion would help.

I'll have
one of my boys start something

at the other
end of camp.

Should draw the
Krauts away from you.

Excellent. That'll give me
a fighting chance.

Look, should we lay it on
for tonight?

Good, 9:00.

That's when they
change the guards.

They're a little
disorganized.

Righto.

Well, how can I ever thank you,
Hogan?

When you get to England,
give my regards to Churchill.

Churchill.

Oh, yes, of course,
Old Winnie.

Yes, I'll do that.

Perfect! It's going
like clockwork.

We must have
a car waiting

to take Baumann
to the airfield.

Oh, I'll arrange that.

You can depend
on me, Major.

I will arrange it.

I'd rather depend on me.

Well, now that
you mention it,

so would I.

All right, stick
to the schedule,

and it should work.

Well, what if
anything goes wrong?

Don't be afraid
to use them.

Car's waiting
on the road, sir.

German efficiency.

There are two goons
in the front seat.

All right, Kinch,
Newkirk, move out.

Right, sir.
Right.

Boy, I miss
all the action.

Stop complaining.

This whole operation
depends on you.

You all set?

Sure, I cook
while everybody else fights a war.

I'll see that de Gaulle
gives you an oak leaf cluster

and a crepe suzette.
Now move.

Sir, I want you to meet
your replacement.

Oh.

Time to go home, sir.
The bus is waiting.

Oh, jolly good.

There you go.

I think he's gaining weight.

( knocking on door )

All set?

We'll go through the window.

OFFICER:
Halt!

Leutnant Baumann?

( speaking German )

There they are!

Moving toward the wire.

Has the guards been alerted?

The men guarding the
wire have been told

to look the other way.

Sergeant Schultz
is watching

the Englander
in the cooler.

I have taken care
of everything.

Excellent, Klink.

Leutnant Baumann...

( speaking German )

Speak in English, you fool.

I'm Group Captain
James Roberts, RAF.

Yes, sir.

All right, let's
get on with it.

( engine starting )

Ooh.

Potato pancakes.
I made some extra.

( speaking German )

Let me get a few
to the captain.

It's against order!

Nobody goes in there.

Oh, come on,
Schultzy.

You're not supposed to
be out of the barracks!

You're not supposed
to be here.

You're not supposed
to go in there.

Okay, you win.

Wait a minute. Shh.

Don't be so hasty.

Come on, hurry
it up, Robbie.

You said there'd be
a diversion-- when?

Don't worry.
Cut, cut.

Captain...

Captain, one of
the prisoners has a surprise for you.

Hello, Captain.

Captain?

That's not
Captain Roberts.

He must have sneaked out.

I bet he's trying
to escape.

Ooh, we're in trouble.

Where would he go?

Try the wire near
the main gate.

Right.

How did you know?

If I was going
to escape, that's where I would go.

Okay.

Keep the pancakes warm.

Aha! Halt!

I caught you in time!

Don't shoot, comrade!

Put your hands up.
They got us.

So, Captain Roberts, huh?

( speaking German )

...Hauptman Roberts.

( speaking German )

Leutnant Baumann...
( speaking German )

Leutnant Baumann?

Don't listen to him, Schultz.

English officers
are very clever.

He's trying
to confuse you.

( speaking German )

Give up, Robbie.
You're going to get us shot.

Better lock him up.
He's dangerous, Schultz.

I demand to see
Major Hochstetter.

Put him back into the cooler.

If he tries anything, shoot him.

I'll report you
to the commandant.

Come on!

( Roberts and Schultz
speaking German )

Want me to come
along, Schultz?

Yes, it would be very nice.

Especially when you were trying
to help him to escape.

March!

Ja? Ja?
How-How long?

Excellent, excellent.

Good work.

Ja. Heil Hitler.

( laughs )

The airfield reports that
Baumann-alias-Roberts took off

for Belgium five minutes ago.

Oh, marvelous
news, Major.

Congratulations

to both of us.
Both of us?

Well, I'd like to feel
I had a small part in it.

Yeah, very small.

In your report to the Gestapo,
could you possibly...?

Herr Kommandant!
Not now, Schultz.

Could you possibly...?
Herr Kommandant!

I am reporting

that I captured
the prisoner

who was trying
to escape.

That's true.

Obviously,
the diversion.

Yes, of course,
the diversion.

I'd like
to make a confession.

Sergeant
Schultz gets full credit.

All right, Hogan,
some other time.

In your report, Major,
please mention my name. I...

If I do something
wrong, it's no good.

If I do something right,
it's no good, either.

Well, don't worry, Schultz.

I'll see that you get
full credit for the capture.

Oh, you're nice,
Colonel Hogan.

You might be
my enemy,

but sometimes, you
are also my friend.

Look at it this way, Schultz.

If you got me as a friend,
you don't really need an enemy.

Thank you.

Anytime, Schultz.
Anytime.

Ah, Major, here's
your prisoner.

So, Sergeant
Schultz,

you caught
Group Captain Roberts, huh?

Good work, Sergeant.

I am not Group
Captain Roberts.

I am Leutnant Baumann.

He keeps saying that.

If you are Leutnant Baumann,
then speak German.

What was your mission?

Winston Churchill...

( speaking German )

Oh, this can't be!

And I just had the report

that the Englishman
then crossed the Channel

early this morning
protected by the Luftwaffe.

Klink, I will mention you
in my report!

But I don't understand. I...

You're a very
clever adversary,

Colonel Hogan.

My congratulation.

Thanks.

( gunshot )

Hogan!

Well, don't blame me.

I didn't know
his arm was loaded.

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