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1
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,242
PHIL: Hey, Tara.
2
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,410
Tara?
3
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:12,246
TARA: Yeah, we're in here, babe.
4
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,547
Jessie and Tom having a fight?
5
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:14,448
No.
6
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,050
Ben's mom is just up from Miami.
7
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,719
Still haven't told Granny
Bellow you're married, huh?
8
00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:21,089
This is the woman who
suffocated her canary
9
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:22,656
for singing too loud.
10
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,358
Ben's terrified
of what she'd say.
11
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:25,893
So how long you
hiding out for?
12
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,196
Till the old shrew
leaves our attic.
13
00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:29,563
Hey, now.
14
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,200
They wouldn't appreciate you
calling Ben's mother a shrew.
15
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,468
Is the old shrew
coming down, or is she
16
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:35,636
going to make us late again?
17
00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:36,904
Can't we go without her?
18
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:38,839
She keeps calling me a boy.
19
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,441
I think Jessie should come.
20
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,743
We will tell Grandma at
brunch that we're married, OK?
21
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:43,677
I'm sick of lying.
22
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,779
Nobody is lying, Tom.
23
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,149
We're simply calibrating
the appropriate time
24
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:51,852
to tell a fragile, elderly lady
that that her beloved grandson
25
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,854
made a rash decision.
- Hey!
26
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,624
And by my calculations,
that time would be never.
27
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,859
I trust you cleared all
of the evidence of Jessie
28
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:02,563
from upstairs, as discussed?
29
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:05,599
Grandma's lumbago
must be acting up.
30
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:06,634
He's right.
31
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:07,935
If we told her when
you got married,
32
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,670
it would've been bad enough.
33
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,772
Now, how do we
explain ourselves?
34
00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,841
By admitting
we're afraid of her?
35
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:16,210
Wait till you're 21,
then she'll be deaf.
36
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:17,645
You can tell her as
many times as you want.
37
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:21,682
Yeah, like the
devil can go deaf.
38
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:22,583
She's gone.
39
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,285
She left without us.
40
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:25,453
What a surprise.
41
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:26,354
BEN: No, no, no, no.
42
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:29,290
I mean gone, gone.
43
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:30,191
Grandma's dead.
44
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:36,330
I thought there'd be
incident tape or a chalk
45
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,399
outline or something.
46
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,668
We have to get rid
of it and everything
47
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:42,136
that ever touched it.
48
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:43,137
I'll flip the mattress.
49
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:44,472
Great.
50
00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:47,007
So her death germs will be
six inches under me instead of
51
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:49,643
right next to my skin.
52
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:50,878
Ew.
53
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:51,779
I have to get out of here.
54
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:58,319
Jessie, death is
sad but inevitable.
55
00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:02,290
I've lost a lot of people
I care about, and Grandma.
56
00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:03,891
It's just creepy.
57
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:06,894
My first death in my
first marriage bed.
58
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:10,030
Are you planning on a second
marriage or just another bed?
59
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,265
PARAMEDIC: Hi.
60
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:14,235
Uh-- found this clutched
in your grandmother's hand.
61
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,169
I believe it's yours.
62
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,069
Thanks.
63
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,738
Also, this was in her pocket.
64
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:18,906
She stole my necklace!
65
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:24,778
What is it?
66
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,516
I killed Grandma.
67
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:36,357
[MUSIC - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND
DOLLY, "YES, I DO"]
68
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,459
Can't we find a way that
we could be together?
69
00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:46,467
Is there any way that
we could be together?
70
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:50,471
And oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?
71
00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:51,972
Yes, I do.
72
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:52,973
Yes, I do.
73
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,476
Yes, I do.
74
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:56,477
Yes, I do.
75
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:05,018
That picture had nothing
to do with her death.
76
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,887
You're just being paranoid.
77
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,256
You're right.
78
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:12,059
Given her mickey-a-day diet,
it was probably liver disease.
79
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:13,160
Aren't you glad
you didn't tell
80
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:14,595
Grandma about your marriage?
81
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:15,796
Dad was right.
82
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,831
The news probably
would have killed her.
83
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:18,999
Would have been some brunch.
84
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:20,167
Have some respect.
85
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,269
Her bed is still warm.
86
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:22,670
You mean your bed?
87
00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,238
Why are you so bent
out of shape, Tom?
88
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:26,307
This is the woman who made
you change your own diapers.
89
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:27,207
Monica's right.
90
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,176
This is no tragedy.
91
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:30,678
She was 89 years old.
92
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:33,481
And she was definitely--
93
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,583
past the best-by date.
94
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:39,019
She's the woman who stopped
me from wetting the bed--
95
00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:40,488
This is my grammy.
96
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:44,057
GRANDMA BELLOW: And this is why
Tom can't have any sleepovers.
97
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:48,061
[students laughing]
98
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:50,598
--and started my lifelong
fear of public speaking.
99
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:56,437
It's such a tragedy.
100
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:57,938
Sweet, old Grandma.
101
00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,039
We'll miss her.
102
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:00,974
Well, we can all
take comfort in knowing
103
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,175
she's watching us from above.
104
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,414
Better there than here.
105
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,382
That's so funny, Mom.
106
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:09,283
She's only dead.
107
00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:15,122
He's still grieving.
108
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:16,890
CARTER: Murder or manslaughter?
109
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,125
It was an accident!
110
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:19,360
So manslaughter.
111
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:22,630
Oh, not so fast
there, chiquita.
112
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,832
Tom knew that if Granny
found out he got married,
113
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,434
she would die.
114
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:29,637
Yet he left the photo in a
cookbook for her to find.
115
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,439
Ergo, he killed her.
116
00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:35,042
No, he said that if she
found out, she would kill him.
117
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:35,943
Ah.
118
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,244
Self-defense.
119
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:40,047
How am I going to tell my
father I killed his mother?
120
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:40,948
Ask Oedipus?
121
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:41,849
Wait!
122
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,216
You're in the clear.
123
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:45,786
Heart disease is the number
one killer among the elderly.
124
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:49,990
It's associated with diabetes,
smoking, and lack of exercise,
125
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,360
all of which she had.
126
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:53,226
Oh.
127
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:54,127
Wha-- what?
128
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,464
Shock and anger
have been linked
129
00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:58,499
to sudden cardiac arrest.
130
00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,401
Who's up for ice cream?
131
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:01,301
Look, Tom.
132
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,803
You can't tell your father.
133
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:03,971
For once, we're in agreement.
134
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,940
Hide the photo and lie.
135
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:07,841
BEN: OK.
136
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:09,910
Thank you.
137
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,045
Hmm.
138
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,246
Thoughtful to the end.
139
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:16,116
Turns out she made her
own funeral arrangements.
140
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,118
That is considerate.
141
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,921
Maybe she wanted to
spare you the expense.
142
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,956
She used my card.
143
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:23,957
Ah.
144
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:26,627
She being interred
with your family?
145
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:27,528
Kind of.
146
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,363
Just not the dead ones.
147
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:30,831
She's being cremated,
and she wants
148
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:35,936
her ashes spread nearby us.
149
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,871
How near?
150
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:41,208
TARA: This has to be
a mistake, Judith.
151
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:44,545
Ben's mother said "large
hydrangea bush near the fence."
152
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:48,549
And this is the large
hydrangea bush near the fence.
153
00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:50,283
Yes, in our backyard.
154
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,953
I'm sure she didn't want
to spend eternity with us.
155
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,187
She hated us.
156
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,590
Yeah, apparently not as
much as she hated my garden.
157
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:57,558
Oh.
158
00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,192
BEN: No, it is a
mistake, all right--
159
00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:01,194
with that property line.
160
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,830
Somebody clearly messed
with it when that fence
161
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:06,199
was being built. Bill.
162
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,402
You built the fence, Ben.
163
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:12,940
PHIL: Bob.
164
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:13,841
Hey, Bob.
165
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,643
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.
166
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,077
It's Ben.
167
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,045
TARA: OK.
168
00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:20,247
Time like this calls
for compassion.
169
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:23,050
So, Ben, you're more than
welcome to spread your mother's
170
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,419
ashes on our bush.
171
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:28,556
Who knows, it might even
do the garden some good.
172
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:32,159
Yeah, especially
the weeping willow.
173
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:33,494
That's not weeping.
174
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:34,995
Oh, it will be.
175
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,965
It's so absolute.
176
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,867
No one close to me has died.
177
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:40,934
Well, yeah.
178
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,670
You're supposed to
save the tough love
179
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,938
for when I'm into hard drugs.
180
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:46,373
What about your turtle?
181
00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:47,841
She didn't die.
182
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,009
She went for a walk.
183
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,644
Yeah, on the road,
where she died.
184
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:51,545
Don't you remember?
185
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:54,114
I made you a hat from her shell.
186
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:55,583
She didn't die.
187
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,951
Turtles walk slow.
188
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:00,688
Honey, death is
a positive thing.
189
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:03,557
I mean, just think, in 100
years, brand new people--
190
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,158
and turtles.
191
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,193
I should have gone to Judith.
192
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:07,227
Oh, don't be silly.
193
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:10,097
Us Merker women, we
are a hardy bunch.
194
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:13,166
Chances are you'll be burying
both your father and I--
195
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,067
and Tom.
196
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,908
Well, if this is where my
mother wants her memorial,
197
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:23,744
we've got work to do.
198
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:27,014
Your mother is the gift
that keeps on giving.
199
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,616
I'll get the weedkiller.
200
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:29,683
Hey, Phil.
- Hmm?
201
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:30,584
Hey, Phil.
202
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,155
[sighs]
203
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:36,256
Judith?
204
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:38,458
What killed Grandpa Bellow?
205
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:40,160
Grandma Bellow.
206
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:43,363
She broke his heart by running
off with his golf partner.
207
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,498
That's great.
208
00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:46,333
I mean, not ideal.
209
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:47,901
Actually, kind of sad.
210
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,637
But at least it wasn't
anything genetic.
211
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,972
By broke his heart,
I mean his pacemaker
212
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,107
literally blew a gasket.
213
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:55,676
Well, what about your father?
214
00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:58,779
He died in a bizarre
lawn bowling accident.
215
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:02,082
As in, he could have
lived a long, long time?
216
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,416
Well, sure.
217
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:05,886
If you take away the chronic
bronchitis, enlarged liver,
218
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,154
and incipient gigantism.
219
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,657
By the end, he was
just praying to die.
220
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:10,558
Oh.
221
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:11,892
But don't worry.
222
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,095
Ben and I are very healthy.
223
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,263
Except for Ben's blood pressure.
224
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,932
And my fibromyalgia,
which is real.
225
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,239
Whoa.
226
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,307
Sorry about that.
227
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,275
It's OK.
228
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:31,378
It was way too cold
and refreshing.
229
00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:33,714
You may want to put
some sunscreen on that.
230
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:34,615
Shouldn't take much.
231
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:44,324
PHIL: OK, here's a question.
232
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:47,595
Why would we let our neighbors
use our yard as a pet cemetery
233
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:48,596
for grandmothers?
234
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,097
Oh, I wasn't sure
you even noticed.
235
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,600
It's like a parade out
there, without the clowns.
236
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:55,168
I can't get any work done--
237
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:56,303
without my siestas, I mean.
238
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:57,237
OK, honey.
239
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,106
If you want Ben
out of your hair,
240
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,841
then why don't you
just help him out?
241
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:01,742
Problem solved.
242
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:08,849
[drill whirring]
- What the hell?
243
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:12,820
What the hell?
244
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,554
I wanted to help Ben out.
245
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,356
Now that your mother's crossed
over to the other side,
246
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,258
I wanted you to be
able to join her.
247
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,526
That sounds like a threat.
248
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:22,996
Join her, symbolically,
in her own special place,
249
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,165
away from my lounger.
250
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:26,566
I'm touched, Phil.
251
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,035
Truly touched.
252
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:29,069
We're family now.
253
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:30,604
Mi casa es su casa, my friend.
254
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:37,410
Cheer up.
255
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:38,311
I made soup.
256
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,117
This is good.
257
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,152
What's in it?
258
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,487
Cream, butter, salt.
259
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:50,023
You know, I think it's
time we start eating better.
260
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,358
Just because we're
young doesn't mean we
261
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:52,860
shouldn't think of the future.
262
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,194
This is my comfort food.
263
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,595
I always eat this stuff
when I'm stressed.
264
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:56,697
What are you talking about?
265
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:59,299
I've never seen you
make this in my life.
266
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,001
This is Grandma's soup.
267
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,903
She is reaching out
from beyond the grave.
268
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,104
Pull yourself together.
269
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:05,272
Pull myself together?
270
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,374
I killed my grandmother.
271
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,743
Now, every time I look at my
father's face, a piece of me
272
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:10,944
will die.
273
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,045
Then tell him.
274
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,280
Tell what?
275
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,649
Let go of the guilt.
Your Dad's a practical man.
276
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:17,517
He'll understand.
277
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,986
You have to tell him.
278
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:25,325
TOM: You can do this.
279
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,326
You can do this.
280
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:33,633
Hey, Dad.
281
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,302
Hey.
282
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,536
There's something
I want to confess.
283
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,271
And I know you'll
understand because you
284
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,140
are a very understanding guy.
285
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,542
Final resting place.
286
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,577
The Hills'.
287
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:45,946
Times like this, I
can't help but think
288
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,948
how cruel the gods can be.
289
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:49,717
She was so vibrant and so alive.
290
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:55,422
Sorry, you were saying?
291
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,657
I want to confess--
292
00:10:57,758 --> 00:11:02,029
Dad I miss her a lot.
293
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:03,797
That's really lovely, Tom.
294
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,498
She did have her
quirks, though, huh?
295
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:06,499
Commando inspections.
296
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:07,400
Exciting.
297
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,435
2:00 AM phone calls.
298
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,370
Spontaneous.
299
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:13,340
You really understood
her, didn't you?
300
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,443
Remember how she used to
imitate you when you cried?
301
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,278
I always thought
that was a bad dream.
302
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:19,446
And then, she'd laugh.
303
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,281
It was a sweet cackle, huh?
304
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,616
[cackles]
305
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,485
Oh.
306
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:26,486
You killed her.
307
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,055
You killed us all.
308
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:29,189
You were pretty funny back then.
309
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,828
Hey, I just had the best idea.
310
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,496
Nothing would make me
prouder than if you
311
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,431
delivered her eulogy.
312
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,434
My god, even saying it
makes me all verklempt.
313
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,236
Does that mean suicidal?
314
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:44,137
Stop it.
315
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:45,072
You're killing me.
316
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:54,214
JUDITH: Well, I hope
you have great weather.
317
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,949
Hope a tropical storm hits.
318
00:11:58,786 --> 00:11:59,853
Gillian's in Aruba.
319
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,989
Auntie Jean's getting Botoxed.
320
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,557
Everyone has some
kind of excuse.
321
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,059
Can you blame them?
322
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,795
Can I ask you a favor?
323
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,729
Sure, honey.
324
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:10,831
Will you do Grandma's eulogy?
325
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:11,731
No, no.
326
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,400
I cannot do it.
327
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,835
Your dad said you were doing it.
328
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:16,003
Why can't you do it?
329
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:18,872
Because I killed her.
330
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:22,910
This was in her
hand when she died.
331
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:24,344
You always were my favorite.
332
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:25,645
This isn't funny.
333
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,447
She was 89 years old.
334
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:31,018
That's what killed
her, not some photo.
335
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:33,486
- So, I mean, should I tell Dad?
- Oh, god, no.
336
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,155
The only thing telling
your father will do
337
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,256
is make you feel better.
338
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,725
It certainly won't
bring Grandma Lucy back.
339
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,593
At least, I hope not.
340
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,696
I mean, if you feel bad about
killing your grandmother,
341
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,999
just think how bad you'll feel
about killing your father.
342
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:46,900
Hm?
343
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:50,737
JESSIE: Your mother's wrong.
344
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:52,840
You still think
I should tell him?
345
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,641
I meant wrong about
you killing your father.
346
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:57,644
The more obvious outcome is
that he'd kill you, a lot.
347
00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:59,046
Well, I have to do something.
348
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,848
Because if this eulogy doesn't
kill me, then the guilt will.
349
00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,149
Calm down.
350
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:04,317
Do you know stress can take
seven years off your life?
351
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:05,618
Thankfully, no.
352
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,287
I have to give a
speech about a woman
353
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,989
that no one can find
a nice word about.
354
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,958
It's not exactly soothing.
355
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:11,859
Her eulogy!
356
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,126
That's it.
357
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,062
It's not about
apologizing to your dad,
358
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,264
it's about apologizing
to your grandmother.
359
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:20,033
You know, the woman
you actually killed.
360
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,202
I mean, not actually.
361
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,436
Yeah, I got it.
362
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,138
What better way to
make amends than by doing
363
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:27,374
what no one else can--
364
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,943
finding the good in her?
365
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:30,844
What do you think?
366
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,012
Too gaudy?
367
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:33,113
You're the oldest grandchild.
368
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:35,082
Do you have any good
memories of her?
369
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:35,983
Are you kidding?
370
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,184
I've got loads.
371
00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:38,451
Like when she locked
you in the closet
372
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,653
and told you to pretend
you were an astronaut.
373
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,422
Hey, how did you
go to the bathroom?
374
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:43,590
In my diapers.
375
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:46,226
Oh, like a real astronaut.
376
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,761
There must be some
lovely stories about her
377
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,763
that don't involve feces.
378
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,365
I just have to look for them.
379
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,935
She called Immigration on me.
380
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,503
Is that anything?
381
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:58,171
Oh.
382
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,506
Doesn't he live next door?
383
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:00,874
I guess the gate was open.
384
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,617
You know, Phil, you've got
your own backyard right there.
385
00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:12,285
I didn't want to
disturb your mother.
386
00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:13,887
Besides, the gate was open.
387
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:21,962
JESSIE: Did you
take that vitamin
388
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:22,996
pill I left by the sink?
389
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,264
Yeah.
390
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:25,765
Did you go to the colonic
cleanse I booked for you?
391
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,168
The memorial is
tomorrow, and I'm screwed.
392
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,737
Forgive me if I didn't feel
like having my insides detailed.
393
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:31,638
OK.
394
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,073
Relax.
395
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:34,807
I am going to be
condemned by this guilt
396
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:35,909
for the rest of my life.
397
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:38,946
I am, literally, having
heart palpitations.
398
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,948
Give me your hand.
399
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:42,615
You feel that?
400
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,985
No, my cell phone's on vibrate.
401
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:45,885
[phone beeps]
402
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:48,755
It's a voicemail.
403
00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:51,591
It's Gran, and she
wants me to meet her.
404
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,526
She can't have you.
405
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:54,494
At the liquor store.
406
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,196
It's an old message
from a week ago.
407
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,097
What's going on with you?
408
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,834
One of us is
going to die first
409
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:05,138
and, apparently, it won't be me.
410
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,407
I don't want to live
without you, that's all.
411
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,176
Think positively.
412
00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:11,478
You could go first,
crushed by a revolving
413
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,281
door, or choking
on an M&M, mowed
414
00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:15,882
down by a tractor on a hayride.
415
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,617
Oh, that's sweet, Tom.
416
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,652
But you know I suffer
from hay fever.
417
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,621
And you're still
getting that colonic.
418
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,723
For a second I
forgot about tomorrow.
419
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,792
Now, I'm really having
heart palpitations.
420
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:35,468
Have you noticed some odd
developments around our yard
421
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,803
recently?
422
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,039
You mean Phil droppings?
423
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,308
Just tonight, he
wandered into our kitchen
424
00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:42,909
looking for ice for his mojito.
425
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,577
What's a cocktail
without ice, really?
426
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:45,578
You know what he said?
427
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:46,613
The gate was open?
428
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,715
Mm-hmm.
429
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,550
You have to speak to him, Ben.
430
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,019
I can't say anything.
431
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,386
He got us that gate as a gift.
432
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,887
That's what the Trojans said.
433
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,527
TOM: The rabbit
crawls under the log.
434
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,463
The rabbit hops over the log.
435
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:08,101
The rabbit gets crushed by the
log and found by scavengers
436
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,870
and ripped to 1,000 pieces.
437
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,072
Hey, guess what?
438
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:13,740
I tracked down some of
your granny's old friends
439
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,208
from your mom's
list of mourners,
440
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,510
and they had the best stories.
441
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,846
I wrote some of them down in
block letters on index cards
442
00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:22,382
so they're easier
for you to read.
443
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:25,852
"I will always remember
Lucy for her kindness and care
444
00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:29,589
for my poor dog, Buster,
as he lay dying."
445
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,758
Where's the part where
Grandma poisons Buster?
446
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:33,026
She didn't.
447
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,628
No, these are simply what
they seem, lovely stories.
448
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:36,529
See?
449
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:37,630
She wasn't a total monster.
450
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,272
Judith, Could you
let me know if this--
451
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:46,206
oh!
452
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:48,108
Hey, bro.
453
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,310
Phil, what are you
doing in our bathroom?
454
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,779
Su casa, mi casa.
455
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:53,880
Sorry for steaming up the place.
456
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:55,582
I wanted to look spiffy
for the big event,
457
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,850
and our water pressure is crap.
458
00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:58,751
Besides--
459
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,820
Gate was open?
460
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,622
PHIL: Oh-- think you
need a new loofah.
461
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:03,523
Hmm.
462
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,064
Get out your
hankies because I'm
463
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:14,301
going to cremate this eulogy.
464
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,703
I'm glad you got
your mojo back, MC,
465
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,472
and that Jessie took my advice.
- Advice?
466
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:22,142
Yeah, about coming up with
fake stories about your grammy.
467
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,481
Uh, probably should have
told that after the speech.
468
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,051
Hey, Tom.
469
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,019
It's time, OK?
470
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,954
[funeral dirge plays]
471
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,260
Ahem.
472
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,695
Hi.
473
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:45,965
We're here today to
celebrate the lovely Lucille
474
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,668
Bellow, my grandma.
475
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:51,037
As one friend recalls,
even in her walker,
476
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:53,973
Lucy insisted on helping--
477
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:59,011
helping me-- me cross--
478
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:02,215
I can't do this.
479
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,251
Why not, Tom?
480
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:05,518
Because--
481
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:07,887
Because I stole those
stories from "Reader's Digest."
482
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:09,956
And the fact
that I killed her.
483
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:12,024
I'm sorry, Dad, but Grandma
found a picture of me
484
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:13,693
and Jessie married
that I hid in a book.
485
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:16,028
And it was clutched in
her cold, dead claw.
486
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:17,029
Hand.
487
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,398
Hand.
488
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:19,766
The shock killed her.
489
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:23,170
I tried to make it up by saying
nice things, but you know what?
490
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,505
She wasn't nice.
491
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:26,839
She was kind of petulant.
492
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,408
And anti-Semitic.
493
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,843
[organ resumes]
494
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,391
Finally, someone with the
guts to say it to my face.
495
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:46,493
- You did hear what I just said?
- Sure, I did.
496
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:47,860
You think hiding that
picture was going
497
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,095
to keep it from my mother?
498
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,164
That woman had no concept
of personal property.
499
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:53,099
Well, unless it was hers.
500
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,434
Of course, she
had no compunction
501
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,969
about using Judith's toothbrush
to brush her dog's teeth.
502
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,871
[laughter]
503
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,507
Sorry, honey.
504
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:02,675
Grandma Lucy wouldn't
want us to sit around
505
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:03,643
and pretend she was nice.
506
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:04,844
I mean, this is the
woman who walked
507
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:05,845
me to school with a harness.
508
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,046
No wonder I hated junior high.
509
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,852
Let's celebrate Grandma Lucy
the way she would have wanted.
510
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:16,055
[MUSIC - THE BEAUTIES, "FASHION
BLUES"]
511
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,957
She stole my candy
when I was a baby.
512
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,125
I was a baby, so
I didn't remember.
513
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:23,496
But she made sure to tell me.
514
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:27,200
Every year for Hanukkah,
she gave me a rosary.
515
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,502
So generous.
516
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:30,770
She cornered me
in the laundry room
517
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,473
once, helped me do my laundry.
518
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,608
She really knew how to separate
the whites from the colors.
519
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:39,312
Well, that's the way she
wanted to live her life.
520
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:41,248
Oh, Grandma Lucy was epic.
521
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,283
There won't be another like her.
522
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:46,786
Hey, you know, she did
bring us closer as a family.
523
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:48,421
We owe her for that.
524
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,258
You did hear that
I killed her, right?
525
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:54,527
I'm calling it self-defense.
526
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:58,498
To Grandma Lucy,
a true original.
527
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,767
Here, here.
EVERYONE: Here, here!
528
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,470
L'chaim.
529
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:07,139
"And for Judith, I leave
this piece of advice--
530
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,207
don't wear red.
531
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:10,142
It makes you look like
an overage hook--"
532
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,512
OK, there's a typo there.
533
00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,013
Is there anything
in it for me?
534
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:14,914
Yes, sweetie.
535
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,115
Where is it?
536
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,149
Yeah.
537
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,786
"As for Monica, she
is my only hope."
538
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:20,787
Duh.
539
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:21,754
But is there anything
in it for me?
540
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:22,822
Money?
Bonds?
541
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,156
- Jewelry.
- I already took her jewelry.
542
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,057
That's fair.
543
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,293
She already took mine.
544
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:27,627
BEN: Oh, here's
something about you, Tom.
545
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:28,895
Listen to this.
546
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,397
"You may be
wondering why I asked
547
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:33,333
to be sprinkled in your
white trash neighbors' yard.
548
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:36,936
Beyond giving me a good
chuckle, it's my gift to Tom.
549
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,738
There's a girl there
I've seen over the years,
550
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,540
and I wanted to send Tom over.
551
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,276
If the boy has any balls,
he'll know what to do.
552
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:44,944
Maybe he can avoid
the mistake my son
553
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,679
made in marrying his
Jewess--" Oh, god,
554
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:47,614
there's another typo there.
555
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:49,316
It's-- it's "Judith."
556
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:52,385
She actually wanted
Tom and I to meet?
557
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:55,021
So when she found the
picture, that means she died--
558
00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:56,489
Happy.
559
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:57,390
And old.
560
00:20:57,490 --> 00:21:00,693
So will I.
561
00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:01,628
Oh.
562
00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:05,432
Where's Grandma
when you need her?
563
00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:07,800
[crickets chirping]
564
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:12,539
Why on earth are
you reading that?
565
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:14,607
It's my mother's
last purchase,
566
00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:18,077
the "Celebrity" cellulite issue.
567
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:20,146
I miss her.
- I know, honey.
568
00:21:27,987 --> 00:21:29,422
Oh, Ben.
569
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,824
She knew you converted.
570
00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:32,759
Oh, my god.
571
00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:33,626
I killed her.
572
00:21:33,726 --> 00:21:34,727
[thunder rumbling]
573
00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:43,536
[MUSIC - THE 1, 2, 3,
4S, "SAME OLD ROAD"]
574
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:45,638
Hey, Ben!
575
00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:47,440
Open up!
576
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:48,941
I've got brownies in your oven.
577
00:21:52,044 --> 00:21:53,746
Ben?
578
00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:58,250
(SINGING) Pity me.
579
00:21:58,351 --> 00:22:03,356
He said pity me.
580
00:22:03,456 --> 00:22:07,827
I ain't God no time,
I ain't got no money.
581
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:08,728
It's easy.
582
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:18,638
My talking talking
myself back to your arms.
583
00:22:18,738 --> 00:22:22,909
Walking, walking down
the same old road.
584
00:22:22,959 --> 00:22:27,509
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