All language subtitles for 18 to Life s02e11 Like Father Like Sons Best Friend.eng

[birds chirping]

Stealing food?

Like you aren't?

Anything good?

Mm, hm.

[whistling]

Is that--

Dad?

It's tax time.

I volunteered last time.

He made you cry last
time, but I had to finish.

Well, that was merely
a ploy to get out of it

and you know it.

Fifty bucks if you volunteer.

Cash up front.

Ah, ha, just the two
people I wanted to see.

It's tax time.

Daddy, I'll help
you this year.

BEN: Oh, great.

Father daughter week will be--

But you should know I
just started my period.

Monica, sweetheart, you
shouldn't interrupt me,

because what I was
going to say is

that father daughter
week will be next year,

because this year I choose Tom.

Would you believe me if I
said I too was on my period.

BEN: Yes, I would.

But you can still
file at the same time.

Come on, let's do this thing.

Hey.

[theme music playing]

THEME MUSIC: Can't we
find a way to be together?

Is there any way
we can be together?

And oh, by the way,
baby, 18 are we.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

How could I not known
Vinnie was cheating on me.

I mean his name was Vinnie.

I can't believe I sacrificed
my virginity to him.

Um-- did we just enter a gap
in the space time continuum?

I mean my relationship
virginity, Jessie.

And now I'm just a
relationship divorcee.

Tell me what I can do.

My body is craving a
warm, pressurized squeeze.

A hug?

Is that what that is?

Oh, come here.

We you're so lucky
to have a guy like Tom.

He's totally the
kind of guy that

would be cool with this favor.

What favor?

You know the rules.

6:00 AM sharp.

It's 11:30.

Have you been
sitting here waiting

for me for 5 and 1/2 hours?

We can role
quitting time forward.

OK, so to review, the files
proceed from golden rod

to crimson, magenta, chocolate,
blanched almond, olive, sage,

salmon.

What time's lunch?

Come on, Tom.
Focus in here.

Huh.

Something tells me
this could be the year

we see this through together.

[music playing]

Hey, that's sage!
Sage!

Sage!

Isn't it obvious?

On behalf of sage enthusiasts
everywhere, I'm going to say,

no, it's all olive.

Your kitchen expertise
is obviously not helping

you here, mister, if anywhere.

Are we here to organize
your taxes or pick me apart?

The beauty of my
system is we can do both.

And, hey, would it hurt
you to wear a real shirt?

This is a real shirt.

With buttons on it.

10 minutes in and
you're already judging me.

I'm a judge.

That's literally what I do.

OK, look, let's start again.

This is not just
about taxes, Tom.

Admittedly, mostly, it is.

Yes.

But a little father son
bonding never hurt anyone.

Tell that to Jesus.

OK.

I wanted to save this as
a surprise, but voila.

Two tickets to the Wilmot father
son golf tourney, which will be

graced by golf god Jack Daley.

Jay.

I know.

Huh.

I don't want to
compare him to Hitler,

but Mussolini's bald, so--

For what it's worth,
I think it'd be pretty

cool to work for a judge.

I'm delighted to
hear you say that,

because I'm in a position to
make all your dreams come true.

I meant a sexy, lady
judge, not your dad.

But it would be perfect.

You'd act as a buffer, and
maybe even make it go faster.

I'm still kind of
married to the whole idea

of a sexy lady judge.

My dad knows sexy lady judges.

And I'll pay fifty bucks.

Sold.

Oh, hey, Phil, mind
doing gutters today?

Oh, I'd love to,
baby, but first I

need a little Phil time.

Oh, Phil, would you mind
helping me with these potatoes?

Sure.

Thanks.

They were on sale.

You're a prince.

Hey, Judith, how did
you get him to do that?

I mean, I couldn't get
him out of his lounger

if it was on fire.

I guess it's harder to
say no to your neighbor

than it is to your wife.

You don't mind, do you?

It's tax time.

And I am one husband down.

Ben does your taxes too?

Mm, hm.

Wow.

I really am getting the
short end of the stick here.

Let me make it up to you.

How about I lend you
a juicer or a Wendy?

Yeah, I'm good.

Wait a minute, maybe
there is something

that you could do for me.

Oh, I have had the kind of
day only hot wild sex will cure.

I'm not in the mood.

And you're not Jessie.

You're wearing sweats.

They're not sweats.

They're activity pants.

If that activity is sweating.

Hey, baby.

Ava just broke up with Vinnie
and she's pretty upset.

Upset that it's over
or upset because she

was dating a guy named Vinnie?

You know I can
hear you, right?

I told her she
could spend the night.

I hope the couch
is comfortable--

for me.

Oh, I know exactly what
will make you feel better.

Ice cream and a Nora Ephron
movie with a rock band chaser.

You know what would
really make me feel better?

Cutting off Vinnie's man root.

Did that get weird?

She seems to be
totally losing it.

Yeah.

I can't wait till
we together again.

No, it's true.

I seriously miss you.

I know, but you
looked hot today.

Who are you talking to?

No one.
Why?

What did you hear?

AVA: Just enough.

What up, white boy?

Just because you're
carrying a basketball

does not mean you're black.

Says you, racist.

I'm just here to
shoot hoops, yo.

Except we're not going
to play ball today.

Your orientation with
my dad starts right now.

What?
Not cool.

Hey, Dad, great news.

Carter has offered to help
out with the taxes this year.

Carter?

Who once got his genitals
stuck in our mailbox Carter?

It was a dare.

He doesn't know
the filing system,

let alone possess any
acceptable social skills.

Which is why he's here today--

to prep for the
real work tomorrow.

All right, Carter, fine, park
your ball outside and let's go.

Stay away from my mailbox.

[music playing]

JESSIE: Are we walking cliches?

Oh, I couldn't walk right now.

AVA: Besides, ice cream
is classic for a reason.

Thanks for letting me vent.

We've got to have
each other's back.

Some guys are evil.

Anything with a penis is
evil, well, except Lady Gaga.

We'll make you forget
all about Vinnie.

Never forget about him, that
cheating, secret phone calling,

guilty gift giving, son of--

TOM: Good evening, ladies.

Whenever I'm feeling crappy,
I'm all about the caramel corn.

And I got fluffy
pillows from downstairs

for you lounging comfort.

I'll be hiding over
here if you need anything.

Every man alive
reminds me of Vinnie.

Except Tom.

Except Tom.

BEN: Ah, Tom.

Right on time.

And by right on time,
I mean an hour late.

Sorry, traffic.

As I was saying, if you split
the magenta into two sub-files,

then it would be easier
to differentiate between

personal and family expenses.

That's--

That's crazy, Carter.

I mean, Dad's been using
this system for years.

And I've been considering
sub-file for just as many, Tom.

It adds the advantage of
creating instant duplicates

for property taxes.

You're absolutely right.

Absolutely freaking me out.

Let's do this.

Yeah.

This is the salamander
file, right?

Tom, you get the coffee.

I think we're going to need it.

You almost ready, hon?

Those skater boys won't
know what hit them.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the hottest

chick this side of
Brangelina, it's Ava Turner.

I'm not ready to
face the world yet.

Besides Shark Week
started and I don't

have cable at my apartment.

So I'm going to have to
stay a little longer.

I'll just run that by Tom.

Really?

You're going to
let some guy make

all your decisions for you.

What am I saying?

Of course, you can stay.

Good.

So what are you making
me for breakfast?

And every time it rains,
your gutters overflow

and wash away my
petunias seedlings.

So you want me to
clean out my gutters?

They're forecasting rain.

I'll get the ladder.

You drove him out
of his own office?

You are masterful, Carter Boyd.
- I'm an amateur.

But your dad--

I know, I'm going to
get the 50 bucks to you

in small, manageable payments.

No, no, I meant,
Ben is awesome.

Did you know that he could
blow bubbles out of his eyes?

Ben, awesome, these
words were not designed

to be in the same sentence.

Ah, coffee, fantastico.

Here you go.

Who's that for?

I'm still here, Dad.

Well, if you want.

But it turns out Carter is
like having three of you.

It's a good thing
you're here, bud.

There's nothing greater
than a father's praise.

It's like a warm hug.

With this kind of backup,
it is clear that I could

once again finish without you.

He's like the son I never had.

What am I?

Well, we are the son I had.

Right?

[music playing]

TOM: Sorry I snuck out so early.

But I woke up and
Ava was staring at me

and I got freaked out.

I woke up to find my
Teddy bear with a knife

through his crotch.

With Ave moving in and
Carter high-jacking my dad,

I've got nowhere to go.

JESSIE (ON PHONE): But you
hate tax time with your dad.

Yeah, I hate it,
but it's something

we always did together.

Come on, Tom, does this
look like it belongs in a file

for long distance travel
expenses slash corporate taxes?

Huh?
What are you?

Six?

I'm seven.

No excuse.

You're making
too much of this.

Just show up and pitch in.

That seems way too direct.

You can't screw it up.

He's your dad.

But what am I going
to do about Ava.

I suggest something
sneaky and manipulative.

I'll call Monica right now.

Ah, Australia.

How could I lose Australia?

An entire continent.

I thought you
guys were working.

BEN: Oh, yeah, we were.

We took a break.

And now Carter is giving
me a run for my money

in the Americas.

Oh, sounds like a great
time to restart filing.

I'm good to go.
- Oh, good.

Good.

BEN: We made it OK.

If you jump in now,
it would give us time

to work on Carter's golf swing.

Golf swing?

Yeah, Ben's take me
to that golf thing.

You mean the father
son golf thing?

That's the one.

And now you don't have to go.

Yeah.

I need your help.

I don't move bodies
unless you agree

to pay for the dry cleaning.

The body's alive
and it belongs to Ava.

Your slutty friend?

She's not slutty.

But, yeah.

She has a bad case of my
boyfriend cheated on me blues,

and she's making our
apartment smell like sadness.

Well, she's never going
to get over the breakup

while she's at your place.

That's like curing a
tooth ache with Skittles.

What does that mean?

You and my brother
are nauseatingly sweet.

Ava needs a little
relationship schadenfreude

to mend her broken heart.

Pretend Tom and
I are in trouble?

That's gross.

I can dream, can't I?

[music playing]

Now that I've
given up men, I have

a lot of free time on my hands.

I think I may take up a hobby
like knitting or lesbians.

Yeah, lets dog ear
this convo and pick it up

again later, because I
have to get to the library.

Fine.

I'll just stay here.

Alone.

Drinking this crappy tea.

Vinnie is not all man.

You're better than this.

Look, it's your
favorite, ruby red,

the shade preferred by
hookers and drag queens alike.

OK.

Argh.

Point taken, but ew.

Oh, god, this was
worse than the tea.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Vinnie is all men.

What do you mean?

Tom?

The last few months
have been unbearable.

I don't even know
who he is any more.

I knew it.

Give me the deets.

Thanks, Phil.

I'd hate to trip on a loose
flagstone, break my neck,

and be forced to sue you.

Yeah, I can see how that
could keep someone who visits

us so frequently up at night.

I really appreciate it.

Hey, Tara.

You're doing a
great job, babe.

CARTER: Tiger Woods,
he's my favorite.

BEN: Go back.

Pull it back.

Left hand straight.

CARTER: Straight.

And I hit the ball.

All right.

[music playing]

(SINGING) If we do it
right, it'll all get done.

Because we're sure to impress.

When good is good but
great it best because I

feel it from the inside out.

JUDITH: Sweetheart,
you're still here?

What other choice do I have?

No, I mean compared
to other years.

You're still here.

Usually you bail on
him before the case.

Oh, do you want to
adopt Carter, too?

Honey, if you want to
spend time with your dad,

you should go.

I have that
opportunity every year.

I just never take it.

Well, whose fault is that?

[music playing]

Phil, no, wait.

Hey, hey, what are you doing
with my panicum vergatum?

Cutting them down.

I figured it was
just a matter of time

before Judith
asked me to anyway.

No, she wouldn't do--

I also cut down your
climbing vines there.

The leaves were dropping
all over my front lawn.

Our morning glory?

I never asked you to touch--

Trying to get a jump
on my chores, you know.

Did you really think I
wouldn't figure this out.

Should have just
borrowed your juicer.

That's a spiffy shirt, Tom.

Oh, thanks.

Trying something new.

Maybe you should too.

Something or someone?

Love to stay and
chat but I got to run.

Where?

Is this an interrogation?

Jessie suspects, you know.

That you completely lost it?

That I understand.

I got to go.

You were one of
the good ones, Tom.

Who are you?

And where are you going
dressed like that?

I am my father's son.

And I'm going to golf
my ass off to prove it.

Oh, also, I'm cheating husband.

Or so Ava seems to think.

Yes.

I pretended we were fighting
to make Ava feel better.

The worse our relationship
gets, the sooner she'll be gone.

Out of my way, woman.

My life is my own business.

That's good.

That's good.

And when I get back,
I'm going to want sex,

you redheaded freak.

OK, that's just offensive and
will only lead to a real fight.

Oh.
Sorry.

Love you.

[music playing]

JESSIE: Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

Am I not doing this right?

Oh?

Tom.

It's not good.

Oh.

Hey, Ava, men right?

But it's Tom.

You guys were my last hope, the
only way I could keep on going.

We'll work through it.

No, you won't.

No.

OK.

There's something I should--

I can't stay here and
watch you guys self-destruct.

Will you help me pack?

If you're sure you're ready.

[music playing]

So sink this hole,
we win, Carter.

Kings of the course.

Now if you were to shag it--

I'd get splinters.

I know.

What?

No.

No, it means we loose to
those jerks, the Sandersons.

I hate this Sandersons.

Well, let's send them
home in tears, shall we?

[music playing]

Should have taken bus.

Not so fast.

What are you doing here?

I should be asking that
floozie you're playing

golf with the same question.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this man is an imposter.

I am the true son of
Benjamin Franklin Bellow.

[crowd murmurs]

Son, you get me kicked
out of my country club,

I am kicking you
out of the house.

OK?

Yeah, Dad really
wants to win, Tom.

So do I, fake son, so do I.

We'll let the real
son take the last shot.

OK.

Here we go.

[music playing]

Take your time.

[music playing]

[crowd laughs]

And there we go.

Hm?

It's close.

Uh, uh.

Hey, Judith, do me a
favor and water our lawn

when you get a chance, OK?

Mm, hm.

Ahem.

[music playing]

[laughing]

I'm sorry, Dad.

You do know you are
truly terrible at golf.

But not, as it turned
out, at filing.

I'm impressed.

And even with the new
system, everything's

in order and a day early.

I've honestly I never felt more
secure going into tax season.

Well, maybe next year we
can count Carter out of it.

I think that would be best.

He can still be
my golfer nerd.

I had no idea he
was that into it.

I paid him 50 bucks.

Well, is that everything here?

Yeah.

Fantastic.

[phone dialing]

Carter, the files are
a complete disaster.

Can you sneak over here
at the dead of night.

I told you.

There are no sexy lady judges.

I'm so glad Ava bought
that whole cheating act.

And all the fake flirting
was a serious turn on--

So you pretended your
relationship was in the dumps

just so I'd get off my
ass and get over myself?

And you help her?

I love you guys.

Ooh.

Sorry.

I guess there's still
some residual anger.

[music playing]

Well, where were we?

Stop undressing me
with you're eyes, woman.

Then get over here.

[theme music playing]

(SINGING) You want
love, but you fear it.

Your attention it shifted.

But you still got the feeling
with the simple dismissing.

Whatcha going to do?

Deceiving, it ain't you.

Believe it.

Because our love ain't easy.

It changes the seasons.

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