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1
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:11,079
Add six ounces brandy.
2
00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:19,153
[yawning]
3
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:24,358
[screaming]
4
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:25,259
Jess?
5
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,160
JESSIE: Oh!
6
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,095
[screaming]
7
00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:28,796
You OK?
8
00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:32,032
JESSIE: The toilet seat.
9
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,667
Look what you've done
to your [inaudible]..
10
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,869
Why do you have
to be such a guy?
11
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,738
TOM: Well, I just got
attacked by your panties.
12
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,340
And why do you have
to be such a girl?
13
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,475
I have a right to
dry my underwear.
14
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,511
TOM: Yeah, and I have a
right to void my bladder.
15
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,279
Why is the seat such
an issue with you?
16
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,283
[gasping]
17
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,784
Fire, fire!
18
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:51,752
Um, here.
19
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:55,756
The window.
20
00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:01,729
[sighing]
21
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:03,731
[whooshing flames]
22
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:10,204
And that's what happens
when you leave the seat up.
23
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,743
[THEME - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND
DOLLY, "YES I DO"]
24
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:20,581
THEME SONG: Can we find a
way that can be together?
25
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:25,519
Is there any way that
we can be together?
26
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:29,957
And, oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?
27
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:31,459
Yes, I do.
28
00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:32,926
Yes, I do.
29
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,895
Yes, I do.
30
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,397
Yes, I do.
31
00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:45,639
TOM: Why is the onus
always on the guy.
32
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,709
I mean, who says the seat
always has to be down?
33
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,244
JESSIE: I use it more
often with the seat down
34
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:51,245
than you do with the seat up.
35
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:52,846
More often?
36
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,448
What do you do with the seat up?
37
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,383
I bob for apples.
38
00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:56,517
You're missing the point.
39
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,252
The seat flipped up is
a statistical anomaly.
40
00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:01,589
And drying 50 pairs of
underwear at the same time is--
41
00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:03,991
A privilege you never thought
you'd have in your life.
42
00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:05,493
Why can't men lower the seat?
43
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,631
I don't want to be this couple.
- No.
44
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:11,899
We're better than this.
- We are.
45
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:12,800
We have to be.
46
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,268
Well, then, I'll flip it down.
47
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:15,303
I can develop night vision.
48
00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:16,737
Well, I'll flip it down.
49
00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:18,639
It's fine.
50
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:22,476
We're awesome.
51
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,778
JUDITH: I just got a call
from Connie Everhart.
52
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:25,779
Remind me?
53
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,147
Connie and I were
working together
54
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,049
on the foreign currencies
department when you and I met.
55
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:29,983
Oh.
56
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:30,751
JUDITH: She said
there's a position
57
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:31,885
opening in her department.
58
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,487
BEN: Well, I think
Wendy's prepared to become
59
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:34,488
a latchkey kid.
60
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,790
She's already at
work on my resume.
61
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,293
It's only a junior position,
but it might be the perfect way
62
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:40,194
to re-enter the workforce.
63
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,829
Whatever makes
you happy, Judith.
64
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:46,967
A little job might
be fine for you,
65
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,168
now that the pressure's off.
66
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,069
Huh?
67
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,241
You know, if I'd been
working this whole time,
68
00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,542
then the pressure
would really be off.
69
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:58,111
Because I'd be earning
five times your salary.
70
00:02:58,212 --> 00:02:59,780
Ouch.
71
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,516
So what are we watching next?
72
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,151
CARTER: "Granny panties?"
73
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:05,953
No way.
"Scarface."
74
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:07,288
AVA: I love Al Pacino.
75
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,957
But every time he says, "Say
hello to my little friend,"
76
00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:10,858
I lose interest.
77
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:11,992
He's talking about his gun.
78
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,227
Not the one you think.
79
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,362
Come on.
80
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:15,763
Guy movie, girl movie.
81
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,565
That's so outdated.
- Yeah.
82
00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:18,699
I mean, aren't we past all this?
83
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,734
What makes you so
superior all of a sudden?
84
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:23,136
Tom has agreed
to lower the seat.
85
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:27,074
And yet I find him as virile
and masculine as ever.
86
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:28,075
Kiss-ass.
87
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:29,109
No, Carter.
88
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,411
That's what makes
our marriage great.
89
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,313
We're beyond sexist stereotypes.
90
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:34,648
In fact, I will go out
on a limb and say Jessie
91
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:35,883
and I are post-gender.
92
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:38,752
JESSIE: As in we are no
longer bound by the cliches
93
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,288
of male/female behaviors.
94
00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:41,922
Yeah.
95
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:42,990
You guys owe me for the pizza.
96
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,058
Uh, Tom, where's your wallet?
97
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:46,193
Uh, Jess?
98
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:49,297
JESSIE: Uh, top shelf,
left, beside the cactus.
99
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:50,764
AVA: You know what?
100
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,433
I vote "Scarface."
101
00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,734
Fire it up.
102
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:54,868
Tom?
103
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,404
AVA: And the man
drives the remote.
104
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:58,005
CARTER: No stereotypes there.
105
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,979
So how did my wallet
end up on the bookcase?
106
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,948
You were cooking.
107
00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:08,949
You took off your pants.
108
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,584
The wallet fell out.
You picked it up.
109
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:11,685
You wanted to look
at a cookbook.
110
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:13,253
You can remember
all that, but you
111
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,456
can't remember the instructions
for using the remote?
112
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,758
I don't like manuals.
There's no protagonist.
113
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:20,361
Well, There must be some
other way that we are atypical.
114
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:21,261
Hey.
115
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,262
I do all the cooking.
116
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,632
Gordon Ramsay,
Jamie Oliver, France.
117
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:25,666
You're good at math.
118
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,034
That's a very male thing.
119
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,769
And it's a very male
thing for you to think that.
120
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,339
It's very female of you
to get emotional about it
121
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:32,540
I was repeating what you said.
122
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:33,874
You said it a certain way.
123
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,909
You heard it in
an emotional way.
124
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:37,311
Are you saying
I'm a bad listener?
125
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:38,412
Now who's getting emotional?
126
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,714
Wouldn't that
make me post-gender.
127
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,350
I don't know.
128
00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:43,317
Oh, man.
129
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:48,489
Am I sexist for
wanting the seat up?
130
00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,891
Am I sexist for wanting
my girlfriend to spank me?
131
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:51,992
[inaudible]
132
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:53,761
CARTER: Look, you be
as liberal as you want.
133
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:54,928
But the toilet seat?
134
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,129
That's a no-fly zone.
135
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,865
No, it's a no-splash
zone according to Jessie.
136
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,066
Not our problem.
137
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,601
You have to assert
yourself and be the man.
138
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,503
I am a man.
CARTER: No, no.
139
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:03,537
The.
140
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:04,438
Man.
141
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:05,339
OK?
142
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,675
Not, uh, [mumbling]
143
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:09,910
But I told Jesse I was
fine with the seat down.
144
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,413
Dude, you have to stand tall.
145
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:15,015
Literally.
146
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,517
JESSIE: It's not the seat.
147
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,386
It's what it represents.
148
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:19,520
All he has to do
is give the seat
149
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,555
one little flick of his finger.
150
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,156
It's not gender
equality if you
151
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,725
don't flip it back up, sweetie.
152
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,794
Do you think I can get
an 18-pound bird in here?
153
00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,762
What'd the 18-pound
bird do to you?
154
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,531
I figure I could fry
a turkey in a coffee
155
00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,032
urn instead of a deep fryer.
156
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,333
That way, your mom won't notice.
157
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:34,702
Mm.
158
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:36,904
Turkey-flavored party coffee.
159
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,506
Good point.
160
00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:40,941
I'll get the fryer
and I'll disguise it.
161
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,310
JESSIE: Dad, why are you
lowering all the toilet seats?
162
00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:45,312
Funny girl.
163
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:46,246
Garbage can.
164
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,748
Nobody would make
coffee in that!
165
00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:55,222
JESSIE: Tom?
166
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:57,691
The weirdest thing
happened with my dad today.
167
00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,993
We were out the--
168
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:00,928
the seat is up.
169
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:01,829
Yeah.
170
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,096
I changed my mind.
171
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,399
Which is my prerogative,
since we don't subscribe
172
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:06,867
to those sexist stereotypes.
173
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:07,768
Yes.
174
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,236
But we agreed that--
175
00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:10,438
Yeah.
176
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,873
But you said you were
happy to go the other way.
177
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:14,007
Right.
178
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,108
We are not a couple.
179
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,478
So not that couple.
180
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:18,612
What's this about your dad?
181
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:19,613
What's for dinner?
182
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,785
So we were at
the hardware store,
183
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,187
and I watched Dad walk
through the plumbing section
184
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:29,790
and lower every toilet
seat in the aisle.
185
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,325
Well, your father is
a very fastidious man.
186
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:33,226
Thoughtful.
187
00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:34,828
Yeah.
Compulsive.
188
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,129
JESSIE: Yeah.
189
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,532
I'd like to know what you
said to make him compulsive.
190
00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,868
Because right now, Tom's
refusing to lower the seat.
191
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:45,138
Ah, you're losing the
toilet seat battle, huh?
192
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:48,809
When I got pregnant, your
father wanted to stop smoking.
193
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:49,843
Well, cigarettes, anyway.
194
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,712
So he saw a hypnotist.
195
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,246
Turns out he was
highly suggestible.
196
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:54,915
You had him hypnotized?
197
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,016
No.
198
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:58,151
I just had her throw
in a couple of extras.
199
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,654
I didn't really expect
that it would work.
200
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,790
- Does dad even know?
- No.
201
00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:05,258
All he knows is that he's happy.
202
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,828
And we never argue
about the toilet seat.
203
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,864
In my country, women
pee standing up.
204
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:15,536
Also, we don't
have toilet seats.
205
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:16,770
There has to be another way.
206
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,272
BEN: Specialized in
long-term investments
207
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:22,275
with a concentration in
human resources planning.
208
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,111
Or should I
refer to the family
209
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:25,546
as "ecosystem management?"
210
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:26,446
Yeah.
211
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:28,015
That'd be more green.
212
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,349
Wily, Judith.
213
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,318
You're wily.
214
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,753
Of course, it's only
really work experience
215
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:33,787
when you're getting a paycheck.
216
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:34,822
But well-done.
217
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:42,863
Judith, can I talk to you
but a housekeeping issue?
218
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,665
Love you, honey.
219
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,466
Even if I leave the seat up?
220
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:48,502
Especially when you do.
221
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:51,238
In fact, I feel morally
obligated to love you even
222
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,907
more, since you could easily
develop prostatic hypertrophy
223
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:55,208
from standing up to pee.
224
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,177
And while it won't kill you,
it could lead to impotence
225
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,812
and complete urinary blockage.
226
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:01,649
And I want you to remember
that I loved you before that.
227
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:02,916
And not just out of pity.
228
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,052
- You're joking.
- I wish I was.
229
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,458
Hyper what?
230
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:12,993
Prostatic hypertrophy.
231
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:23,503
[giggles]
232
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,172
BEN: Prostatic hypertrophy?
233
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,439
Of course I've heard of it.
234
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:27,941
Although it's good
to hear that Jessie's
235
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,777
now on top of male
incontinence conditions.
236
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:33,480
TOM: I did some research, and
no one has found a direct link.
237
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:35,749
Yet, Jessie says you
have to sit to avoid it.
238
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:36,950
Of course there's a link.
239
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,719
And sitting is a
small price to pay
240
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:43,190
to avoid incontinence,
urinary blockage, impotence.
241
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,225
You're a sitter?
242
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,194
With the prostate
of a 15-year-old boy,
243
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,528
according to my urologist.
244
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,598
Well, it wouldn't be the
prostate of a 15-year-old girl,
245
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:51,732
now, would it?
246
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:53,366
Did your urologist tell
you about the condition?
247
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:54,267
No.
248
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,936
Your mother did originally.
249
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,872
How long after
you were married?
250
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,508
23 years, Judith.
251
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,476
JESSIE: There is no link
between whether you stand
252
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:04,678
to deliver in that condition.
253
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:08,315
There's no proof that
there's no link, either.
254
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:09,216
What--
255
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:11,184
You never got it.
256
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:14,321
I still get the
debate it all, you guys.
257
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:17,625
Like I told Jessie, we each bear
responsibility for ourselves.
258
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:19,292
TOM: Exactly.
259
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,694
I have to flip it
up just as much
260
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:21,962
as she has to flip it down.
261
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,364
Actually, the up position
is a statistical anomaly,
262
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:25,265
if you think about it.
263
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,103
What?
264
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,308
Why did I just do that?
265
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,209
I don't know.
266
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:37,310
Did I do it before?
267
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,211
BEN: Three times.
268
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:41,281
Impulsively.
269
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:42,983
Get a hold of yourself, man.
270
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:43,884
Tara.
271
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:49,256
Huh, huh, huh.
272
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:50,523
What did she do to Him
273
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:53,293
You see what we're
dealing with here, son?
274
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:56,329
Women are the German
army, and we're Poland.
275
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,799
And we can't afford to
wait for the Americans.
276
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:01,201
I think you've been watching
too much History Channel.
277
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,203
I am going to be
marching back into my home
278
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:04,838
and telling your
mother what's what.
279
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:05,739
TOM: Yeah.
280
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:06,807
Me too.
281
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:07,708
Well, Jessie.
282
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:09,076
Not mom.
283
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:10,177
She's allowed to brainwash me.
284
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:13,981
You hypnotized me?
285
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,449
It's brought us years of
peace and harmony, honey.
286
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,318
You stole my free will.
287
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:19,720
You're exaggerating.
288
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:20,620
I'm taking it back, Tara.
289
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:21,755
And you can't stop me.
290
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:24,424
Watermelon.
291
00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:25,325
What did you say?
292
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:31,331
Grapefruit.
293
00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:32,933
Cantaloupe.
294
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,367
Damn it.
295
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:38,171
I know the code was
some kind of fruit.
296
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,407
TOM: You don't get to
choose when I'm the man
297
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,374
and when I'm not.
298
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,609
So I get to choose
if you're a man?
299
00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:44,277
Because right now,
that's up for debate.
300
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:45,412
Low blow, Jess.
301
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,047
Post -gender you
wouldn't notice.
302
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,616
TOM: Well, despite the
hair, I am not a candle.
303
00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:52,052
If you were, I'd donate
you to a toy drive.
304
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,088
PHIL: 35,600, give or take.
305
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,958
That's how many times they
made me flip this thing down.
306
00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,659
I'm taking it back to her.
307
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,394
I'm taking it all back.
308
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,362
BEN: No, no, no, no.
309
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:03,797
I always knew
where my keys were.
310
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,966
I just love the way you look
when you bring them to me.
311
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:07,500
[laughs]
312
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:22,182
Nice.
313
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,358
Does this mean you won't
be killing centipedes
314
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:32,726
in the bathtub anymore?
315
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:33,626
BEN: Thomas.
316
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,031
Oh.
317
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:38,932
It's on.
318
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,848
What this calls
for, gentlemen,
319
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:58,318
is deep-fried turkey, to
be eaten in our underwear.
320
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,592
[toilet flushing]
321
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,496
Standing tall.
322
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:10,630
Welcome back, brother.
323
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,065
[chuckles]
324
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:18,939
It won't last.
325
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,540
This is a spat, right?
326
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,042
Spats have a time
limit of an hour.
327
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:23,076
Oh, no, no, no.
328
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,312
This has been a
long time coming.
329
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,614
23 years for me.
330
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:28,782
Tom and I had
this figured out.
331
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:29,716
I don't know what happened.
332
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:32,119
I remember when
Tom was a toddler.
333
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:33,486
I bought him a doll.
334
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,623
He took one look at it, and
then he ran it along the floor
335
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:39,492
yelling "vroom, vroom!"
336
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:40,794
He loved that little pink truck.
337
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,096
TARA: But we don't have to
give in to these oppressive
338
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:44,597
stereotypes, do we?
339
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:48,135
I mean, I remember, Jessie went
through this horrible tutus
340
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,402
and tiaras stage.
341
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:52,139
"The Feminine Mystique for
Five- to 10-year-olds?"
342
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,073
Took care of that one.
343
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:54,274
Wow.
344
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:55,475
Pedantism and brainwashing.
345
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:56,676
TARA: Hey.
346
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,045
That's a beautiful
bedtime story.
347
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,881
JESSIE: All this proves
is that we can't help it.
348
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,116
I was born to hate
centipedes Tom was
349
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,252
born to smash men to a pulp.
350
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,787
Lose this battle,
you lose the war.
351
00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:10,623
Here, here.
352
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:11,524
No thanks.
353
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,460
I've got popcorn bloat.
354
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,099
Oh.
355
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,174
Welcome back.
356
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,012
BEN: Marriage.
357
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:34,181
It's like a lawn mower.
358
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:35,115
You think everything's fine.
359
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,984
And suddenly, it blows up.
360
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:39,752
PHIL: All those times,
flipping that toilet seat down.
361
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:40,787
And I didn't even know it.
362
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:43,323
See how long they
can make it without us.
363
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,959
TOM: Dad, you are aware
of what year it is, right?
364
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:47,961
And that they have air
conditioning over there?
365
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,429
Son, we are
different for a reason.
366
00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:52,799
And they are going to find out
that they miss that difference.
367
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:55,602
PHIL: Do I even like
deep-fried turkey?
368
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,271
JESSIE: OK, let's get
this "Sex and the City"
369
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,007
marathon rolling, shall we?
370
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:01,708
No way the guys are
having this much fun.
371
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:14,787
TOM: Smells funny.
372
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,289
PHIL: Well, that's how I
was supposed to work, dude.
373
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,290
It's gonna be awesome.
374
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,759
Yeah, well, you
might not even like it.
375
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,029
I mean, it's probably
programmed right out of you.
376
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,131
BEN: But you know,
Tara really did have
377
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,633
your best interest at heart.
378
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,001
Well, it's true.
379
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:30,503
And, yeah, Judith bamboozled me.
380
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,239
But I really do have the
prostate of a 15-year-old,
381
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,273
you know.
382
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,908
And what about you
going back to work
383
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:36,609
and rubbing your face
in her higher salary?
384
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:39,079
Well, truth is, a little
extra scratch wouldn't hurt.
385
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:39,980
TOM: No.
386
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,048
We can't let them win.
387
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,082
We'll never hear the end of it.
388
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:43,416
[groaning]
389
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:44,651
I miss my bed.
390
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:45,585
Hey.
391
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:46,486
Look.
392
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:54,161
Oh.
393
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,328
What's that blue glow?
394
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,529
They're trying to watch a DVD.
395
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:59,366
[laughs]
396
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:00,934
[high-pitched whistling]
397
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:01,834
Incoming!
398
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,211
Pizza?
399
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:12,179
[splashing]
400
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,180
[shouting]
401
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,647
[toilet flushing]
402
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,088
My thighs gave out.
403
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:22,622
That water is cold.
404
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,727
Perhaps we should retrieve
the toilet seat, huh?
405
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:28,628
It's gone.
406
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:29,562
Good lord.
407
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,265
Who would take a
used toilet seat?
408
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,201
JUDITH: You better not
be late for my interview.
409
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,403
JESSIE: You've still
got time to not watch
410
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:38,638
another "Sex and the City."
411
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,007
I wonder if they miss
their toilet seat.
412
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:41,341
Hey, Sleeping Beauty.
413
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,010
JESSIE: We may actually
get to Channel 3.
414
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,012
Or modern women.
415
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:47,014
Why can't we figure this out?
416
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:49,949
Maybe each sex excelling
at certain things
417
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,084
is what makes it work.
418
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:52,219
Nonsense.
419
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:53,920
We're just as capable as men.
420
00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:55,555
Says the
hypnotizer/brainwasher.
421
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,857
The quickest way to end this--
422
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,059
We can't look like quitters.
423
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,527
No.
424
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,495
We create a list of demands.
425
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:04,264
Include more than you
want, so they feel they can
426
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:05,865
take something away from you.
427
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,268
Even if you don't
really need it.
428
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,603
And they can feel they're
being magnanimous.
429
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:13,006
Ooh, You God.
430
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,574
Could use some
help cleaning up.
431
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,543
Cleaning up what?
432
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,544
All this garbage.
433
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:18,445
The bottles.
434
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:19,612
The turkey shrapnel.
435
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:24,551
If this keeps up, I'm
bunking with the women.
436
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,019
Dad.
437
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:29,022
Seriously I could
never not see this.
438
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:29,956
You know, it's everywhere.
439
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,158
It needs picking up.
440
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:34,294
Yeah, it's great that
you're here to do it, too.
441
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:35,862
Jessie and I were right.
442
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:38,598
No, we're not that couple,
because we're not old.
443
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:39,666
Hey.
444
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,868
And I don't care
about the toilet seat,
445
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,936
because Jessie and I,
you know, we're equal.
446
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:45,138
That's how you brought us up.
447
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,539
That must have
been your mother.
448
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:47,540
I'm heading over there.
449
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,309
Surrendering?
450
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:50,677
I prefer to call it giving up.
451
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:52,845
But you can't let
it end like this.
452
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,381
We've got to hold
on to our dignity.
453
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:56,449
JESSIE: I can help
you with that.
454
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:57,350
Our demands.
455
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,390
PHIL: So what have we got?
456
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,958
"You accept the use of
the word 'thingamajig'
457
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,360
to refer to all tools."
458
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,528
"Manscape?"
459
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,430
What the heck is a man--
460
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,331
oh.
461
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:12,632
Was it terrible last night?
462
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,867
There were some dark hours
when we realized you guys
463
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,002
weren't giving up on the DVD.
464
00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,337
Oh, I figured it out.
465
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:20,006
I just couldn't take another
"Sex and the City" marathon.
466
00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,574
I love you.
467
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:22,475
So how was it.
468
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:23,610
Did you run out of chocolate?
469
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,578
It was actually more
of a popcorn and wine
470
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:27,347
spritzer kind of night.
- Uh-huh.
471
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,282
Sounds better than beer
and burping the anthem
472
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,950
between turkey chunks.
473
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,051
Ew.
474
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,286
I couldn't believe how
stubborn they were.
475
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,222
Well, it's probably
that time of the month.
476
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:36,789
And how else would we
get into this mess?
477
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,660
BEN: This is outrageous.
478
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:41,728
Joke.
479
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:42,795
So a joke.
480
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,531
Jokes are funny, Tom.
481
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:45,532
I'm an idiot.
482
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:46,433
It's an 8.
483
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:47,767
The offer has expired.
484
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:55,342
TARA: Don't you see that it's
a male-dominated industry that
485
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,844
contributes no real
value to the economy?
486
00:17:57,944 --> 00:17:59,045
Sign me up.
487
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,847
Just hand them over.
- No.
488
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,282
We're having the
"who's on top" argument
489
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,517
with the guys, not each other.
490
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:05,852
And the fight must go on.
491
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:06,753
Thank you.
492
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:07,987
TARA: Let's face it.
493
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,890
You put two people together,
regardless of gender,
494
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,125
they're gonna wrestle
over something.
495
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:15,995
The truth is, it's more
fun wrestling with the men.
496
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,130
JESSIE: So?
497
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,030
Now what?
498
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:18,998
WENDY: I'm back.
499
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,033
What we need is a closer.
500
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:23,736
Something they can't say no to.
501
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,338
What happened to
the living room?
502
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,773
Hey, sweetie.
503
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:27,674
How was the sleepover?
504
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:28,608
It was OK.
505
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:29,909
Everybody talked about boys.
506
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:31,578
It's hard to believe
they're that compelling.
507
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:32,712
I know.
508
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,647
Then there's all the
stuff you do with boys.
509
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,149
It's pretty confusing.
510
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:43,223
You don't even like poker.
511
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:44,724
You hardly need a poker night.
512
00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:45,892
So we'll make it Risk night.
513
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:46,793
No.
514
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,461
50% of Tara's carrot harvest?
515
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:51,464
I want to give the
deep fryer another shot.
516
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,566
Dad, what's orgasmic?
517
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,102
[coughing]
518
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,370
Ask your mother that one.
519
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,505
She says to ask you.
520
00:18:58,605 --> 00:18:59,539
No.
521
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,907
She is much better
able to answer that.
522
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,108
She says she has no idea.
523
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:03,843
[laughs]
524
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:04,744
Tara neither.
525
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,949
And that's my cue.
526
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,618
Ben?
527
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:12,819
- Want some more coffee?
- Ben?
528
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:13,786
Your daughter had a question.
529
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:14,787
What?
530
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,223
What question?
Is there more coffee?
531
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,224
Wendy?
- Oh my God.
532
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,200
I take it the "O"
bomb has landed.
533
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:28,868
Nicely played.
534
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,737
Thank you.
535
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:33,206
So I guess recycling's
gender-neutral.
536
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:36,075
Can we go back to being
the couple that we were.
537
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,211
The couple who wants to
do things for each other?
538
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,145
Yes.
539
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:40,380
And all that nice
gender mingling.
540
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,916
[MUSIC - JIM BRYSON, "ACCIDENTAL
COUNTRY LEARNING"]
541
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,185
(SINGING) Please,
will you help me
542
00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:48,521
and not take my friends away?
543
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:55,228
We've got nothing to do.
544
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:57,697
So, it was kind of
a low blow, sending
545
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,131
Wendy over like a Trojan horse.
546
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:02,134
And what about your low blow?
547
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,536
That I haven't had a real job?
548
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,137
Oh, come on, honey.
549
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:06,373
There's not enough
money in the world
550
00:20:06,473 --> 00:20:08,207
to pay for what you've done.
551
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:10,477
The kids are proof of that.
552
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,612
Monica?
553
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,514
Start [inaudible].
554
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:15,648
How do I look?
555
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:16,549
Fantastic.
556
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,184
Go get them, tiger.
557
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:20,520
What were we thinking?
558
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,790
The way I see it, this whole
hypnotic suggestion thing
559
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,025
means that nothing's
really my fault. Ever.
560
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,159
That's right.
561
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,562
Free will is overrated, honey.
562
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:31,598
You know what I've been craving?
563
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,900
Kiwi.
564
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,034
Pineapple.
565
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,703
I think you need
a foot massage.
566
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:37,637
I do.
567
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,949
Connie says they went
with someone more junior.
568
00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:50,983
[groans]
569
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,251
Is that an insult?
570
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:53,686
Or a compliment?
571
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:54,954
You'll get the
next one, sweetheart.
572
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:56,122
I promise.
573
00:20:56,222 --> 00:21:03,129
But in the meantime,
let us eat cake.
574
00:21:03,229 --> 00:21:04,464
Was this in the treaty.
575
00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:05,698
Oh, absolutely.
576
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:07,967
Under the section
entitled "Foreplay."
577
00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:15,642
MOTHER (ON TV): You OK, sweetie?
578
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:21,614
CHILD (ON TV): I miss him a lot.
579
00:21:21,714 --> 00:21:23,716
MOTHER (ON TV): Daddy's
not really gone, honey.
580
00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:27,019
Not if he's still in your heart.
581
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,421
TOM: Hello!
582
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:30,323
CHILD (ON TV): Do you think
he's watching over us?
583
00:21:30,423 --> 00:21:32,024
Dream on.
584
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,626
It's popcorn bloat.
585
00:21:33,726 --> 00:21:35,161
TOM: Now I really am crying.
586
00:21:35,261 --> 00:21:39,566
[MUSIC - DAVID CELIA, "AFRAID TO
CHANGE"]
587
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:44,804
(SINGING) And now the
seasons change around me.
588
00:21:44,904 --> 00:21:50,176
I'm staring at a tree, or
is it looking back at me?
589
00:21:50,276 --> 00:21:54,146
Trying to fit borders
that surround me.
590
00:21:54,246 --> 00:21:59,719
I'm one piece in the puzzle
of a box I try to guzzle.
591
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:02,622
I don't know what to do.
592
00:22:02,722 --> 00:22:09,396
Still keep thinking how
I'm lucky to have you.
593
00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:13,065
You know some people share
a different point of view.
594
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:19,372
Things are more attractive
when they're shiny and new.
595
00:22:19,472 --> 00:22:22,409
Don't be afraid to change
596
00:22:22,459 --> 00:22:27,009
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