Original subtitles

Add six ounces brandy.

[yawning]

[screaming]

Jess?

JESSIE: Oh!

[screaming]

You OK?

JESSIE: The toilet seat.

Look what you've done to your [inaudible]..

Why do you have to be such a guy?

TOM: Well, I just got attacked by your panties.

And why do you have to be such a girl?

I have a right to dry my underwear.

TOM: Yeah, and I have a right to void my bladder.

Why is the seat such an issue with you?

[gasping]

Fire, fire!

Um, here.

The window.

[sighing]

[whooshing flames]

And that's what happens when you leave the seat up.

[THEME - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND DOLLY, "YES I DO"]

THEME SONG: Can we find a way that can be together?

Is there any way that we can be together?

And, oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

TOM: Why is the onus always on the guy.

I mean, who says the seat always has to be down?

JESSIE: I use it more often with the seat down

than you do with the seat up.

More often?

What do you do with the seat up?

I bob for apples.

You're missing the point.

The seat flipped up is a statistical anomaly.

And drying 50 pairs of underwear at the same time is--

A privilege you never thought you'd have in your life.

Why can't men lower the seat?

I don't want to be this couple. - No.

We're better than this. - We are.

We have to be.

Well, then, I'll flip it down.

I can develop night vision.

Well, I'll flip it down.

It's fine.

We're awesome.

JUDITH: I just got a call from Connie Everhart.

Remind me?

Connie and I were working together

on the foreign currencies department when you and I met.

Oh.

JUDITH: She said there's a position

opening in her department.

BEN: Well, I think Wendy's prepared to become

a latchkey kid.

She's already at work on my resume.

It's only a junior position, but it might be the perfect way

to re-enter the workforce.

Whatever makes you happy, Judith.

A little job might be fine for you,

now that the pressure's off.

Huh?

You know, if I'd been working this whole time,

then the pressure would really be off.

Because I'd be earning five times your salary.

Ouch.

So what are we watching next?

CARTER: "Granny panties?"

No way. "Scarface."

AVA: I love Al Pacino.

But every time he says, "Say hello to my little friend,"

I lose interest.

He's talking about his gun.

Not the one you think.

Come on.

Guy movie, girl movie.

That's so outdated. - Yeah.

I mean, aren't we past all this?

What makes you so superior all of a sudden?

Tom has agreed to lower the seat.

And yet I find him as virile and masculine as ever.

Kiss-ass.

No, Carter.

That's what makes our marriage great.

We're beyond sexist stereotypes.

In fact, I will go out on a limb and say Jessie

and I are post-gender.

JESSIE: As in we are no longer bound by the cliches

of male/female behaviors.

Yeah.

You guys owe me for the pizza.

Uh, Tom, where's your wallet?

Uh, Jess?

JESSIE: Uh, top shelf, left, beside the cactus.

AVA: You know what?

I vote "Scarface."

Fire it up.

Tom?

AVA: And the man drives the remote.

CARTER: No stereotypes there.

So how did my wallet end up on the bookcase?

You were cooking.

You took off your pants.

The wallet fell out. You picked it up.

You wanted to look at a cookbook.

You can remember all that, but you

can't remember the instructions for using the remote?

I don't like manuals. There's no protagonist.

Well, There must be some other way that we are atypical.

Hey.

I do all the cooking.

Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver, France.

You're good at math.

That's a very male thing.

And it's a very male thing for you to think that.

It's very female of you to get emotional about it

I was repeating what you said.

You said it a certain way.

You heard it in an emotional way.

Are you saying I'm a bad listener?

Now who's getting emotional?

Wouldn't that make me post-gender.

I don't know.

Oh, man.

Am I sexist for wanting the seat up?

Am I sexist for wanting my girlfriend to spank me?

[inaudible]

CARTER: Look, you be as liberal as you want.

But the toilet seat?

That's a no-fly zone.

No, it's a no-splash zone according to Jessie.

Not our problem.

You have to assert yourself and be the man.

I am a man. CARTER: No, no.

The.

Man.

OK?

Not, uh, [mumbling]

But I told Jesse I was fine with the seat down.

Dude, you have to stand tall.

Literally.

JESSIE: It's not the seat.

It's what it represents.

All he has to do is give the seat

one little flick of his finger.

It's not gender equality if you

don't flip it back up, sweetie.

Do you think I can get an 18-pound bird in here?

What'd the 18-pound bird do to you?

I figure I could fry a turkey in a coffee

urn instead of a deep fryer.

That way, your mom won't notice.

Mm.

Turkey-flavored party coffee.

Good point.

I'll get the fryer and I'll disguise it.

JESSIE: Dad, why are you lowering all the toilet seats?

Funny girl.

Garbage can.

Nobody would make coffee in that!

JESSIE: Tom?

The weirdest thing happened with my dad today.

We were out the--

the seat is up.

Yeah.

I changed my mind.

Which is my prerogative, since we don't subscribe

to those sexist stereotypes.

Yes.

But we agreed that--

Yeah.

But you said you were happy to go the other way.

Right.

We are not a couple.

So not that couple.

What's this about your dad?

What's for dinner?

So we were at the hardware store,

and I watched Dad walk through the plumbing section

and lower every toilet seat in the aisle.

Well, your father is a very fastidious man.

Thoughtful.

Yeah. Compulsive.

JESSIE: Yeah.

I'd like to know what you said to make him compulsive.

Because right now, Tom's refusing to lower the seat.

Ah, you're losing the toilet seat battle, huh?

When I got pregnant, your father wanted to stop smoking.

Well, cigarettes, anyway.

So he saw a hypnotist.

Turns out he was highly suggestible.

You had him hypnotized?

No.

I just had her throw in a couple of extras.

I didn't really expect that it would work.

- Does dad even know? - No.

All he knows is that he's happy.

And we never argue about the toilet seat.

In my country, women pee standing up.

Also, we don't have toilet seats.

There has to be another way.

BEN: Specialized in long-term investments

with a concentration in human resources planning.

Or should I refer to the family

as "ecosystem management?"

Yeah.

That'd be more green.

Wily, Judith.

You're wily.

Of course, it's only really work experience

when you're getting a paycheck.

But well-done.

Judith, can I talk to you but a housekeeping issue?

Love you, honey.

Even if I leave the seat up?

Especially when you do.

In fact, I feel morally obligated to love you even

more, since you could easily develop prostatic hypertrophy

from standing up to pee.

And while it won't kill you, it could lead to impotence

and complete urinary blockage.

And I want you to remember that I loved you before that.

And not just out of pity.

- You're joking. - I wish I was.

Hyper what?

Prostatic hypertrophy.

[giggles]

BEN: Prostatic hypertrophy?

Of course I've heard of it.

Although it's good to hear that Jessie's

now on top of male incontinence conditions.

TOM: I did some research, and no one has found a direct link.

Yet, Jessie says you have to sit to avoid it.

Of course there's a link.

And sitting is a small price to pay

to avoid incontinence, urinary blockage, impotence.

You're a sitter?

With the prostate of a 15-year-old boy,

according to my urologist.

Well, it wouldn't be the prostate of a 15-year-old girl,

now, would it?

Did your urologist tell you about the condition?

No.

Your mother did originally.

How long after you were married?

23 years, Judith.

JESSIE: There is no link between whether you stand

to deliver in that condition.

There's no proof that there's no link, either.

What--

You never got it.

I still get the debate it all, you guys.

Like I told Jessie, we each bear responsibility for ourselves.

TOM: Exactly.

I have to flip it up just as much

as she has to flip it down.

Actually, the up position is a statistical anomaly,

if you think about it.

What?

Why did I just do that?

I don't know.

Did I do it before?

BEN: Three times.

Impulsively.

Get a hold of yourself, man.

Tara.

Huh, huh, huh.

What did she do to Him

You see what we're dealing with here, son?

Women are the German army, and we're Poland.

And we can't afford to wait for the Americans.

I think you've been watching too much History Channel.

I am going to be marching back into my home

and telling your mother what's what.

TOM: Yeah.

Me too.

Well, Jessie.

Not mom.

She's allowed to brainwash me.

You hypnotized me?

It's brought us years of peace and harmony, honey.

You stole my free will.

You're exaggerating.

I'm taking it back, Tara.

And you can't stop me.

Watermelon.

What did you say?

Grapefruit.

Cantaloupe.

Damn it.

I know the code was some kind of fruit.

TOM: You don't get to choose when I'm the man

and when I'm not.

So I get to choose if you're a man?

Because right now, that's up for debate.

Low blow, Jess.

Post -gender you wouldn't notice.

TOM: Well, despite the hair, I am not a candle.

If you were, I'd donate you to a toy drive.

PHIL: 35,600, give or take.

That's how many times they made me flip this thing down.

I'm taking it back to her.

I'm taking it all back.

BEN: No, no, no, no.

I always knew where my keys were.

I just love the way you look when you bring them to me.

[laughs]

Nice.

Does this mean you won't be killing centipedes

in the bathtub anymore?

BEN: Thomas.

Oh.

It's on.

What this calls for, gentlemen,

is deep-fried turkey, to be eaten in our underwear.

[toilet flushing]

Standing tall.

Welcome back, brother.

[chuckles]

It won't last.

This is a spat, right?

Spats have a time limit of an hour.

Oh, no, no, no.

This has been a long time coming.

23 years for me.

Tom and I had this figured out.

I don't know what happened.

I remember when Tom was a toddler.

I bought him a doll.

He took one look at it, and then he ran it along the floor

yelling "vroom, vroom!"

He loved that little pink truck.

TARA: But we don't have to give in to these oppressive

stereotypes, do we?

I mean, I remember, Jessie went through this horrible tutus

and tiaras stage.

"The Feminine Mystique for Five- to 10-year-olds?"

Took care of that one.

Wow.

Pedantism and brainwashing.

TARA: Hey.

That's a beautiful bedtime story.

JESSIE: All this proves is that we can't help it.

I was born to hate centipedes Tom was

born to smash men to a pulp.

Lose this battle, you lose the war.

Here, here.

No thanks.

I've got popcorn bloat.

Oh.

Welcome back.

BEN: Marriage.

It's like a lawn mower.

You think everything's fine.

And suddenly, it blows up.

PHIL: All those times, flipping that toilet seat down.

And I didn't even know it.

See how long they can make it without us.

TOM: Dad, you are aware of what year it is, right?

And that they have air conditioning over there?

Son, we are different for a reason.

And they are going to find out that they miss that difference.

PHIL: Do I even like deep-fried turkey?

JESSIE: OK, let's get this "Sex and the City"

marathon rolling, shall we?

No way the guys are having this much fun.

TOM: Smells funny.

PHIL: Well, that's how I was supposed to work, dude.

It's gonna be awesome.

Yeah, well, you might not even like it.

I mean, it's probably programmed right out of you.

BEN: But you know, Tara really did have

your best interest at heart.

Well, it's true.

And, yeah, Judith bamboozled me.

But I really do have the prostate of a 15-year-old,

you know.

And what about you going back to work

and rubbing your face in her higher salary?

Well, truth is, a little extra scratch wouldn't hurt.

TOM: No.

We can't let them win.

We'll never hear the end of it.

[groaning]

I miss my bed.

Hey.

Look.

Oh.

What's that blue glow?

They're trying to watch a DVD.

[laughs]

[high-pitched whistling]

Incoming!

Pizza?

[splashing]

[shouting]

[toilet flushing]

My thighs gave out.

That water is cold.

Perhaps we should retrieve the toilet seat, huh?

It's gone.

Good lord.

Who would take a used toilet seat?

JUDITH: You better not be late for my interview.

JESSIE: You've still got time to not watch

another "Sex and the City."

I wonder if they miss their toilet seat.

Hey, Sleeping Beauty.

JESSIE: We may actually get to Channel 3.

Or modern women.

Why can't we figure this out?

Maybe each sex excelling at certain things

is what makes it work.

Nonsense.

We're just as capable as men.

Says the hypnotizer/brainwasher.

The quickest way to end this--

We can't look like quitters.

No.

We create a list of demands.

Include more than you want, so they feel they can

take something away from you.

Even if you don't really need it.

And they can feel they're being magnanimous.

Ooh, You God.

Could use some help cleaning up.

Cleaning up what?

All this garbage.

The bottles.

The turkey shrapnel.

If this keeps up, I'm bunking with the women.

Dad.

Seriously I could never not see this.

You know, it's everywhere.

It needs picking up.

Yeah, it's great that you're here to do it, too.

Jessie and I were right.

No, we're not that couple, because we're not old.

Hey.

And I don't care about the toilet seat,

because Jessie and I, you know, we're equal.

That's how you brought us up.

That must have been your mother.

I'm heading over there.

Surrendering?

I prefer to call it giving up.

But you can't let it end like this.

We've got to hold on to our dignity.

JESSIE: I can help you with that.

Our demands.

PHIL: So what have we got?

"You accept the use of the word 'thingamajig'

to refer to all tools."

"Manscape?"

What the heck is a man--

oh.

Was it terrible last night?

There were some dark hours when we realized you guys

weren't giving up on the DVD.

Oh, I figured it out.

I just couldn't take another "Sex and the City" marathon.

I love you.

So how was it.

Did you run out of chocolate?

It was actually more of a popcorn and wine

spritzer kind of night. - Uh-huh.

Sounds better than beer and burping the anthem

between turkey chunks.

Ew.

I couldn't believe how stubborn they were.

Well, it's probably that time of the month.

And how else would we get into this mess?

BEN: This is outrageous.

Joke.

So a joke.

Jokes are funny, Tom.

I'm an idiot.

It's an 8.

The offer has expired.

TARA: Don't you see that it's a male-dominated industry that

contributes no real value to the economy?

Sign me up.

Just hand them over. - No.

We're having the "who's on top" argument

with the guys, not each other.

And the fight must go on.

Thank you.

TARA: Let's face it.

You put two people together, regardless of gender,

they're gonna wrestle over something.

The truth is, it's more fun wrestling with the men.

JESSIE: So?

Now what?

WENDY: I'm back.

What we need is a closer.

Something they can't say no to.

What happened to the living room?

Hey, sweetie.

How was the sleepover?

It was OK.

Everybody talked about boys.

It's hard to believe they're that compelling.

I know.

Then there's all the stuff you do with boys.

It's pretty confusing.

You don't even like poker.

You hardly need a poker night.

So we'll make it Risk night.

No.

50% of Tara's carrot harvest?

I want to give the deep fryer another shot.

Dad, what's orgasmic?

[coughing]

Ask your mother that one.

She says to ask you.

No.

She is much better able to answer that.

She says she has no idea.

[laughs]

Tara neither.

And that's my cue.

Ben?

- Want some more coffee? - Ben?

Your daughter had a question.

What?

What question? Is there more coffee?

Wendy? - Oh my God.

I take it the "O" bomb has landed.

Nicely played.

Thank you.

So I guess recycling's gender-neutral.

Can we go back to being the couple that we were.

The couple who wants to do things for each other?

Yes.

And all that nice gender mingling.

[MUSIC - JIM BRYSON, "ACCIDENTAL COUNTRY LEARNING"]

(SINGING) Please, will you help me

and not take my friends away?

We've got nothing to do.

So, it was kind of a low blow, sending

Wendy over like a Trojan horse.

And what about your low blow?

That I haven't had a real job?

Oh, come on, honey.

There's not enough money in the world

to pay for what you've done.

The kids are proof of that.

Monica?

Start [inaudible].

How do I look?

Fantastic.

Go get them, tiger.

What were we thinking?

The way I see it, this whole hypnotic suggestion thing

means that nothing's really my fault. Ever.

That's right.

Free will is overrated, honey.

You know what I've been craving?

Kiwi.

Pineapple.

I think you need a foot massage.

I do.

Connie says they went with someone more junior.

[groans]

Is that an insult?

Or a compliment?

You'll get the next one, sweetheart.

I promise.

But in the meantime, let us eat cake.

Was this in the treaty.

Oh, absolutely.

Under the section entitled "Foreplay."

MOTHER (ON TV): You OK, sweetie?

CHILD (ON TV): I miss him a lot.

MOTHER (ON TV): Daddy's not really gone, honey.

Not if he's still in your heart.

TOM: Hello!

CHILD (ON TV): Do you think he's watching over us?

Dream on.

It's popcorn bloat.

TOM: Now I really am crying.

[MUSIC - DAVID CELIA, "AFRAID TO CHANGE"]

(SINGING) And now the seasons change around me.

I'm staring at a tree, or is it looking back at me?

Trying to fit borders that surround me.

I'm one piece in the puzzle of a box I try to guzzle.

I don't know what to do.

Still keep thinking how I'm lucky to have you.

You know some people share a different point of view.

Things are more attractive when they're shiny and new.

Don't be afraid to change

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