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1
00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:07,141
[music playing]
2
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,853
Self-administered
breathalyzer doesn't work, dude.
3
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,289
Trust me.
4
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:24,092
Those damn Kapelskis
always pushing extra onions.
5
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,759
Do you have any gum?
6
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:30,198
I got Rain,
Iceberg, and Shock.
7
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:33,067
Anything in the mint family?
8
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,136
Just give me Shock.
9
00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:36,470
Date night.
10
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:39,607
Nothing says romance like
Burger Hut drive-through, huh?
11
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,941
It was a one time thing, OK?
12
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,876
And we had a coupon.
13
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:44,378
Date night, you may be
interested in hearing,
14
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:45,979
is a revered tradition
among those of us
15
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,315
who possess a
marriage certificate.
16
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:48,849
Yeah, also among those
of us who don't use
17
00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:50,418
possessives like "wife".
18
00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:51,652
Ooh, clever, Phil.
19
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:54,188
Turning a fear of commitment
into a feminist issue.
20
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:55,956
My beef with marriage
is more of a guy thing.
21
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,024
Yeah?
22
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:58,192
Well, I'd love to
hear about it as soon
23
00:00:58,292 --> 00:00:59,193
as you finish your next novel.
24
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,697
On second thought, no.
25
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:05,599
Let's-- let's have that now.
26
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:06,767
OK.
27
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,669
A relationship is like a coffin.
28
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,772
You can lie one comfortably,
you can even close the lid.
29
00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:16,910
But once you've drilled that
lid shut, you are screwed.
30
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,279
Oh, hey, Tara.
31
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:19,947
Those are beautiful pansies.
32
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:21,315
I can't believe you, Phil.
33
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,517
This whole time I think
that we are marching
34
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,886
to the beat of our own
drummer, when in actual fact
35
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,421
you were just afraid to commit?
36
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:32,426
Hey, babe, you know that
you're the only one for me.
37
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:33,861
Prove it.
38
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,863
Excuse me?
39
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,165
Marry me.
40
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,567
That is, if you're
man enough to propose.
41
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:40,901
You'd just say no.
42
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:44,738
Fine.
43
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,974
Will you marry me?
- Sure.
44
00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:49,343
How's Saturday?
45
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,311
[whistles]
46
00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:53,547
That, my friend, is screwed.
47
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:57,751
[MUSIC - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND
DOLLY, "YES I DO"]
48
00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:02,590
(SINGING) Can we find a way
that we could be together?
49
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:07,094
Is there any way that
we could be together?
50
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:11,565
And oh, by the way,
babe, 18 you love me.
51
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,066
Yes I do.
52
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,067
Yes I do.
53
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:16,537
Yes I do.
54
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:17,538
Yes I do.
55
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,015
Bike career.
56
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:31,652
The sideburns say barista.
57
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,321
OK, this one's a toughie.
58
00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:35,756
The shirt says business
major, but the mustache
59
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:36,657
says porn star.
60
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,930
I'm going with an MBA
undergrad with a fetish
61
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,065
for women's underwear.
62
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:49,837
Well, you know, don't knock
it 'till you try it, right?
63
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:53,507
Did you just say
what I think you said?
64
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:55,743
OK, this is crazy.
65
00:02:55,843 --> 00:03:00,281
But this girl I'm seeing,
Jolene, or Charlene--
66
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:01,415
something -ene.
67
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:05,052
Um, well, she dares me
to wear her skivvies.
68
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:06,687
- Skivvies are for dudes.
- Drawers.
69
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:07,588
Dudes.
70
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:08,489
Scrunchies?
71
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:09,690
[inaudible] it's hair--
72
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:12,059
OK, the point is
I gave them a go.
73
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:15,229
Played little b-ball
in her tighty whiteys.
74
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:16,297
Still dudes.
75
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,599
OK, can we get past
the archaic labels?
76
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:22,102
What I'm saying is,
I wore the panties.
77
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,804
And you know what?
78
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:24,705
Kind of hot.
79
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:28,542
Where were we?
80
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:33,981
[knocking]
81
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:39,119
What do you want, Phil?
82
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,621
Tara's serious.
83
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:43,090
She actually wants
to get married.
84
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:45,593
Well, Phil, has it
ever occurred to you
85
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,761
that this just may be the
universe's way of getting
86
00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:48,862
you to right a wrong?
87
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,030
Don't be sanctimonious.
88
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,031
This is your fault.
89
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:52,232
Hey, you dug the hole.
90
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:53,233
I just supplied the shovel.
91
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,302
So what am I supposed to do?
92
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,337
You're supposed to
buck up and be a man.
93
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:57,738
I could give you
dozens of reasons
94
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,907
why a government sanctioned
partnership is the way to go.
95
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:03,777
Which I'd love to hear once
you make the Supreme Court.
96
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:06,814
On second thought,
let's have it.
97
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,015
Let's have it.
98
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:11,352
Uh, single surname
streamlines paperwork for one.
99
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,721
Going through
customs was a breeze.
100
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:17,057
Ditto car insurance, health
benefits, hotel bookings.
101
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:21,362
But the best reason of
all, come on, tax breaks.
102
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:22,262
Hi, Judith.
103
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,365
How's the golf swing?
104
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,734
That's what our marriage
means to you, Ben?
105
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,001
Tax breaks?
106
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,770
Well, to be honest, you
missed the part about the hotel
107
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:32,640
bookings and the car insurance.
108
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,241
Honey--
109
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,076
You had me at
streamlined paperwork.
110
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,450
Adios.
111
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:44,284
We only hurt the ones we love.
112
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,053
Nothing can
spoil my good mood.
113
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,721
Did you win your
celebrity death pool?
114
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:50,424
Not every joy in life comes
at the expense of others.
115
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:52,860
Wow, even saying
that sounds funny.
116
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,261
OK, look, I met someone.
117
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:55,228
And don't ask who.
118
00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:56,229
I don't want to jinx it.
119
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:57,598
But you live to spill.
120
00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,066
Yeah, we know about
all the other guys.
121
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:01,201
Oh, remember the
guy who tattooed
122
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,903
his mother's face on his belly?
123
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,638
[laughing]
124
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,774
I told you about the
tattoo in confidence.
125
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:08,241
You posted it on Facebook.
126
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,510
Was I talking to you?
127
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:10,611
Come on, spill, baby.
128
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:11,812
Spill.
129
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,747
Carter, don't get your
tighty whiteys in a bunch.
130
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,115
Or should I say panties.
131
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,489
OK, who's next?
132
00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:22,856
I knew Ava was
seeing somebody.
133
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:27,461
I mean, you don't get that
kind of glow from yoga.
134
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,030
We're on Ava and
her mystery boy toy.
135
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,298
Feel free to chime in.
136
00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:33,667
I can't believe you told
Jessie about the panties.
137
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,369
I didn't know she would talk.
138
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,638
That was in the vault
under the guy code.
139
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:38,739
You're still a guy, right?
140
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,174
Doesn't marriage
supersede the guy code?
141
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:45,112
It won't happen again.
142
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,648
This is it happening again.
143
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,283
Remember when you told
everyone I was in a boy band?
144
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:51,485
That was an intervention.
145
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:52,620
That ever since
you got married,
146
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:53,787
you always pull
this kind of thing.
147
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,759
I'm sorry, OK?
148
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,027
Go shoot some pool.
149
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:02,830
My treat.
150
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:05,065
I'm-- I'm busy.
151
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:06,500
I thought we were hanging out.
152
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:07,935
I have to study.
153
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,202
OK, Saturday.
154
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,838
We'll catch Flick.
155
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,973
I think we need a break.
156
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,775
What, are week dating?
157
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,945
I got a lot of stuff
going on these days.
158
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:18,846
I'll text you.
159
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,281
[music playing]
160
00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:28,489
What are you reading?
161
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,991
Uh, some guy stuff.
162
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,960
There's a frilly wedding
dress on the cover.
163
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:36,029
What kind of guys have
you been hanging out with?
164
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:37,598
Do you think it's weird
that your mother and I
165
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:39,099
aren't married and you are?
166
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:40,968
Well, I'm also on the
college volleyball team,
167
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,437
but I don't expect to
see you guys at tryouts.
168
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:44,404
Why are you asking?
169
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,642
You're getting married?
170
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,144
Is this some kind of
relationship Band-Aid?
171
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,145
Are you guys breaking up?
172
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,047
Please tell me you're
not breaking up.
173
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,449
[sighs]
174
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:58,118
OK, nobody is getting married.
175
00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,721
I wouldn't be caught
dead in a sexist trap.
176
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:01,622
No offense.
177
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:02,956
None taken.
178
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,057
So what's going on?
179
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,226
Your father started
taking me for granted,
180
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:10,230
so I thought I would
teach him a lesson.
181
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:14,868
The minute he says I
do, I'll say I don't.
182
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,169
And then we'll go
back to our regularly
183
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,404
scheduled programming.
184
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:20,908
But that's so mean.
185
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:22,342
You'll understand someday.
186
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,711
I kind of hope I don't.
187
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:26,880
Oh, this stays
between us, right?
188
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:27,781
Mhm.
189
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,817
TARA: Good.
190
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,152
BEN: What are you
working on, honey?
191
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,087
You know, it turns
out you were right.
192
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:37,991
Do you know how much this
marriage has saved us in taxes?
193
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,460
$47,000.
194
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:41,662
You would think.
195
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,932
But factor in the kids,
amortize it over 22 years,
196
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:49,970
and we're close to $56,275.
197
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,172
Ooh, stop it with
that dirty talk.
198
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:55,743
You're driving me crazy.
[music playing]
199
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,848
I can't believe
Carter broke up with me.
200
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:03,083
I can't believe my mom is
dragging my dad to the altar.
201
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:03,984
We're on me here, Jess.
202
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,252
I got dumped by a dude.
203
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:06,787
What do girls do
in this situation?
204
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,522
Get our hair done and
go shopping for purses?
205
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,257
Oh, there is this Oh, there
is this pretty sweet man
206
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:11,458
bag I've been looking at.
207
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:12,926
Just talk to him, Tom.
208
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,361
Guys don't talk.
209
00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:15,262
That's easy for you to say.
210
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:16,564
You got me into this mess.
211
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:18,666
How many times do
I have to apologize?
212
00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:20,534
I'm sorry Carter's such a perv.
213
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,269
Uh, that's not an apology.
214
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:23,804
And you violated
the marriage code.
215
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,973
We're supposed to be able
to tell each other anything
216
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:27,541
and it stays in the vault.
217
00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:29,009
OK, you're right.
218
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:31,945
If you want to win Carter
back, you've got to woo him.
219
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,748
Do everything you did
to me, minus the foot
220
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,449
rubs and the heavy petting.
221
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:40,688
I'd rather just
go get the man bag.
222
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:44,692
So what do you got on the
mother-daughter code vs.
223
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,894
the father-daughter code?
224
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:49,730
[music playing]
225
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:57,037
Oh, dad.
226
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,873
OK, technically
I am not supposed
227
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,474
to say anything about this.
228
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:02,375
But--
229
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:06,914
Four words.
230
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:07,815
First word.
231
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,050
Sounds like.
232
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,084
Gum.
233
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,252
Rum.
234
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,054
Dim sum.
- Mom, mom.
235
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,088
The first word's mom.
236
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,189
She's going to say no.
237
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,090
Crap.
238
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,194
The engagement is a sham.
239
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:22,696
Victory is mine.
240
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,364
So what, did you
come here to gloat?
241
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:26,299
Or merely steal my
pretzels as usual?
242
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:31,271
A little from column A,
a little from column B.
243
00:09:31,371 --> 00:09:34,642
So I suppose you have
your next move mapped out?
244
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:35,575
Excuse me?
245
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,945
Tara's clearly
manipulating you.
246
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:40,213
This is your chance
to turn the tables.
247
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,249
Talk to me.
248
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:44,618
She challenged you
to man up, right?
249
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:47,154
I say you show her a pair
of kahunas big enough
250
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,488
to have their own moons.
251
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,824
Give her the marriage bells
and whistles, and then some.
252
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,626
Which would give me
enough brownie points
253
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,795
to last until retirement.
254
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:56,196
But what do I know
about marriage?
255
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:57,197
You got to help me.
256
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:58,465
Negative on that one.
257
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:01,201
What about the guy code?
258
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,670
I need you, man.
259
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,404
[MUSIC - MEAT LOAF, "I WOULD DO
ANYTHING FOR LOVE"]
260
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:08,909
(SINGING) And I would
do anything for love,
261
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,044
but I won't do that.
262
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:15,282
I would do anything
for love, anything
263
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,250
you've been dreaming of.
264
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,688
But I just won't do that.
265
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:21,889
That's my favorite.
266
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:22,790
The mocha.
267
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:23,691
I love the mocha.
268
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:25,625
You have to try this.
269
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:27,027
- I can get--
- Come on.
270
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,028
Come on.
271
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:36,403
No, not here.
272
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,404
Not here.
273
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,305
God--
274
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:51,184
(SINGING) I would do
anything for love.
275
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:55,155
And you know it's true.
276
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:56,056
CARTER: What are you doing?
277
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,257
I saw it in a movie.
278
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:58,525
You're embarrassing yourself.
279
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:01,394
Can you just
forgive me already?
280
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,662
I'll tell you what.
281
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:06,499
I have at my disposal the
ultimate piece of gossip.
282
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,668
We're talking brain melting.
283
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:13,907
And if you can keep it under
wraps, you're forgiven.
284
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,308
Done.
285
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:19,913
That chick I'm
seeing, it's not Jolene.
286
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,382
It's Ava.
287
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:23,383
Hi, guys.
288
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:24,384
What's new?
289
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,322
[MUSIC - PETE SURDOVAL, "VEGAS
WEDDING BELLS"]
290
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:33,426
(SINGING) There's
a 24- hour chapel--
291
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,494
Why are you so nervous?
292
00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:35,595
Oh, I'm not nervous.
293
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,897
You got something
you want to tell me?
294
00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:38,498
I was missing pair of
underwear this morning.
295
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,567
No, nothing.
296
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:42,469
So how long is
this going to take?
297
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,505
Oh, spoken like
a true romantic.
298
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:47,674
Don't worry, I'll have
Tara reject your sorry ass
299
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:49,142
before Jeopardy starts.
300
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:50,610
Here, here's your vows.
301
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,850
I, Phil Hill, take
thee, Tara Mercker,
302
00:11:56,950 --> 00:12:00,453
to have and to hold, to
encourage and inspire,
303
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,490
to pick you up when you fall,
to listen to your dreams,
304
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:07,527
to hold you when you
cry, to love you when--
305
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,830
when--
306
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,331
When you're sad
or angry, because--
307
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:13,200
I got it, bro.
308
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,502
Because without the
dark, there is no light.
309
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:18,839
And without you, there is no me.
310
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:19,907
Why are you crying?
311
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:20,808
I'm not.
312
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,843
I was just a tax write-off.
313
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,748
So Phil, do you take
Tara as your wife, or what?
314
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,083
I do.
315
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:32,219
And Tara Mercker, do you
take Phil Hill as your husband?
316
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:40,427
I do.
317
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:42,062
- You don't.
- She does.
318
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:42,963
She did.
319
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:43,864
Oh, boy.
320
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,800
[music playing]
321
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:51,771
What the hell
happened back there?
322
00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:53,907
She was supposed to say I don't.
323
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,443
I don't know, ask your wife.
324
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:58,045
You have to undo this.
325
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,313
A verbal affirmative
between two consenting adults
326
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:01,681
is legally binding.
327
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:02,615
Say I was drunk.
328
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:03,516
Say we're related.
329
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,717
Say I'm insane.
330
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,887
There's nothing I can
do about it, even if two
331
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,788
out of those three are true.
332
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,423
Why in the hell would
she want to marry me?
333
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:11,859
Maybe she wants
half the trampoline.
334
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,693
- We don't have a trampoline.
- Then I have no idea.
335
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:14,594
Out.
336
00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:31,011
Just a little repair job.
337
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,446
Go back to sleep, babe.
338
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,415
[panting]
339
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:45,192
Note to self, no more nacho
flavored pork rinds before bed.
340
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:48,161
[music playing]
341
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:56,003
Mm, you look like
a million bucks.
342
00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:58,805
I thought I was more
in the five figure area.
343
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,977
For god sakes, can we
please get past this?
344
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:05,345
That money is for both of us.
345
00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:09,983
It is, isn't it?
346
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,886
[music playing]
347
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,359
I can't believe my
parents decided to tie
348
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,028
the knot so late in life.
349
00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:23,030
You think you know people.
350
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,231
What's with you?
351
00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:25,966
Have you talked
to Ava recently?
352
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:29,036
Ugh, she can't shut up
about her new squeeze toy.
353
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:31,671
Apparently, he cries during sex.
354
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:32,572
Is that weird?
355
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,377
Quick question.
356
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,579
If the guy code trumps
the mother-daughter code,
357
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,114
and the marital code
trumps the guy code,
358
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,350
what trumps the marital code?
359
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,919
Or is it the neighbor code
that's most important of all?
360
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,188
Especially one with global
perspective who doesn't
361
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:49,656
know any of the key players.
362
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:52,225
Yes, loophole.
363
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,061
OK, this isn't going to
mean anything to you,
364
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:57,397
but it means a lot to me.
365
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,866
Carter and Ava hooked up.
366
00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:00,800
That's good.
367
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:05,072
But so soon after
Ava dumped Tony?
368
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:08,108
Can't wait to tell
Wendy and Monica.
369
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:10,377
Ugh.
370
00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,579
TARA: You sure slept late.
371
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:15,348
I had a bit of a rough night.
372
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,549
Were you humming?
373
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:17,584
I suppose I was.
374
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,956
If this is married
people food, count me in.
375
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,864
I can't believe I'm wearing
this thing on ironically.
376
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:34,234
I can't believe you're my--
377
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,869
Go ahead, you can say it.
378
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,638
[doorbell rings]
379
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:39,539
I'll get it.
380
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,246
Hello, beautiful.
381
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:47,914
Organic produce
of the week club.
382
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,649
Unlike store
bought, our products
383
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:53,053
retain all their vitamin D,
which is great for the skin.
384
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,855
Not that you need any
help in that department.
385
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,158
I'm Cal, and you are?
386
00:15:58,258 --> 00:15:59,993
My wife.
387
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,694
Oh, OK.
388
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,332
To
389
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,567
Jessie, there's something
I think I should tell you,
390
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:08,968
but I can't.
391
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:13,073
But once that something I can't
tell you about is over, I will.
392
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:17,044
So I'm apologizing in
advance for the delay.
393
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,946
Will you tell me
if I take my top off?
394
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:25,885
Oh, who are we kidding?
395
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:26,786
I gotta go.
396
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,628
No wife of mine should be
working on a beautiful day
397
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:36,596
like today.
398
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:39,599
Yeah, the wife thing?
Getting old.
399
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:40,567
What are you doing?
400
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,235
Throwing away some junk.
401
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,037
Your "Ms." magazines?
402
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,638
You love these.
403
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,674
Things change.
404
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,609
Something wrong
with your ring?
405
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:50,477
Feels weird.
406
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,879
Maybe it's just too tight.
407
00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:54,714
Slid right off,
maybe it's too loose.
408
00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:56,283
Maybe I'm allergic.
409
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:57,417
To gold?
410
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,119
I'm going downtown, I
could have it re-sized.
411
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,153
You'd do that?
412
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:01,154
Anything for my wife.
413
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:04,524
[music playing]
414
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,867
Hey, does your
wedding band ever itch?
415
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,403
Because mine inches.
416
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,171
Tara, relax.
417
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:21,574
You just got
post-marriage jitters.
418
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:22,975
Yeah.
419
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,845
You know, we haven't had
sex since we got hitched.
420
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:27,947
Wow, a whole day.
421
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:28,948
Now that is troubling.
422
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,450
God, I know.
423
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,419
I mean, just the other day,
Ben said that our marriage
424
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:34,254
was about tax breaks.
425
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,022
Now most women would
find that insulting.
426
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,724
Me, no.
427
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:40,293
I search for an upside.
428
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,361
What do you think about leather?
429
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:47,234
Hm, if I didn't
know better, I'd say
430
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,868
you have that after sex glow.
431
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,107
You too, Carter.
432
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:55,708
Isn't that interesting?
433
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,377
We got held up, OK?
434
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:59,279
Both of you?
435
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,248
I'm starving.
436
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:02,549
Anyone want a hot dog?
437
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,051
I got it.
438
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,786
You OK?
439
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:10,157
I think I'm getting an ulcer.
440
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:11,224
Here you go, sweet cheeks.
441
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,360
Ooh, jumbo.
442
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,695
Just the way I like it.
443
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,997
Chip?
444
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,066
OK, I'm not built for this,
and I can't take it anymore.
445
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,768
Tom, I'm sorry, there's
something you have to know.
446
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,203
Ava and Carter are faking it.
447
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,103
Jessie!
448
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:25,905
You told her?
449
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:27,774
I can't believe
you fell for it.
450
00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:29,942
I can't believe you
can't keep your mouth shut.
451
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,811
I can't believe I
paid for your hot dog.
452
00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:34,381
Does this mean I'm forgiven?
453
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:36,183
Cover Ava's sausage
and we're gold.
454
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:41,120
Come here.
455
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,555
I missed you.
456
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,023
OK, so this is official?
457
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,226
Carter and I are not
sleeping together.
458
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,928
Not today, not
tomorrow, not never.
459
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:51,097
Certainly not after you
went to Jessie behind my back.
460
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:51,998
Sorry, Carter.
461
00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:54,501
Girlfriend code trumps all.
462
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:55,935
Yep.
463
00:18:56,035 --> 00:19:00,273
[car horn honking]
464
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:03,176
What the heck is that?
465
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:04,444
JUDY: My new car.
466
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:05,345
What?
467
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:06,979
Are you out of your mind, woman?
468
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:08,248
How much did this cost?
469
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:10,149
$28,000.
470
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,419
It's my half of our
marital profits.
471
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:13,553
Marriage is about money.
472
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:14,821
Might as well enjoy it.
473
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:22,795
Tara?
474
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:29,602
I love you more than my
poker games, my herb garden,
475
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:32,772
my other herb garden, my
Time music collection,
476
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:34,807
other than my limited
edition rocket to Russia
477
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,476
signed by Dee Dee Ramone.
478
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:39,078
And I want to spend my
whole life with you.
479
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,213
But what I want
more than anything
480
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:43,283
else in the whole world
is for you to be happy.
481
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:48,621
Babe, will you divorce me?
482
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:51,157
Sign here and here.
483
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,792
It's lucky you didn't
consummate this union,
484
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:55,428
or I'd never able to
pull off an annulment.
485
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:56,563
There.
486
00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:59,165
Now you can go back to
being godless heathen.
487
00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:01,334
What do you say we
go flip your flapjacks?
488
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,235
Done.
489
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,742
You made your point with
the car you know, Judith.
490
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:12,379
I just-- I cannot believe
that you put our marriage
491
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:13,713
through a calculator.
492
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,648
I told Phil about
the tax breaks
493
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:16,949
just to win a stupid argument.
494
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,786
You want to know what I really
think about our marriage?
495
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,788
Trouble have joy doubled.
496
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,756
And no one can put
a price on that.
497
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:25,692
Maybe Tara and Phil are right.
498
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:28,428
Love without a
license is so free,
499
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:31,163
so spontaneous and
heartfelt. I mean,
500
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:33,566
did you hear those
vows that Phil wrote?
501
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:36,936
So did you 25 years ago.
502
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:39,639
Oh, those were your vows.
503
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,774
Mhm.
504
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,311
Truer today than ever before.
505
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:48,748
You are just angling to
get your flapjacks flipped.
506
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:49,649
Guilty as charged.
507
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,493
JUDY: Thank god they're letting
us take this thing back.
508
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:03,863
What do you say we take
a little date night detour?
509
00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:07,133
Really break her in, if
you know what I mean.
510
00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:09,068
Burger Barn drive-thru?
511
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:11,604
Ooh, let's go back
for the coupons.
512
00:21:11,704 --> 00:21:19,446
(SINGING) Into the
blue, the beautiful sky.
513
00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:25,318
We can renew the possible high.
514
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:34,126
And you came along--
515
00:21:34,226 --> 00:21:35,628
Anything?
516
00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:37,397
Nothing, you?
517
00:21:37,497 --> 00:21:38,698
No, not really.
518
00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:39,932
Worth a shot.
519
00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:43,703
(SINGING) You took my hand,
standing in the wings.
520
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:47,774
You taught me how to
sing that song that goes,
521
00:21:47,874 --> 00:21:51,678
no hill too high,
no road too long.
522
00:21:51,778 --> 00:22:00,052
'Cause we overcome You build
me up when I fall down.
523
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:03,890
Now, we can fly, fly.
524
00:22:03,990 --> 00:22:11,698
Into the blue,
the beautiful sky.
525
00:22:11,798 --> 00:22:18,638
We can renew the possible high.
526
00:22:18,688 --> 00:22:23,238
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