All language subtitles for 18 to Life s01e06 Goy Story.eng

[music playing]

So Jessie, how do like
the matzah ball soup?

Needs some bacon bits.

She's kidding.

Oh, I know that.

Joking is in our DNA.

In fact, some of the
greatest comedians of all time

are Jewish.

Mel Brooks, Woody
Allen, Jerry Lewis--

Hey, Lady!

He's a convert.

You know, Jessie,
there's probably a lot

that you could learn
about our people.

Great!

Have your people call my people.

See, you're a natural.

You guys do know that there's
no way I would ever convert--

Converse about
something like this

without keeping an open mind.

So you'll both come for
dinner next Friday night?

Why?

Because, I've invited
Rabbi Goldstein.

Who is that?

That's the rabbi who
converted your father.

Ben, are you OK?

Matzah ball went
down the wrong way.

Excuse me.

What's the technical term
for divorced Jewish woman?

JESSIE: What?

A plaintiff.

Yeah, hi, is
just Pinsky's deli?

Yeah, hi.

Do you have brisket?

Great.

What about smoked meat?

Wonderful.

Look, here's an odd
little question.

If a fella doesn't
actually go through

with a ceremonial
circumcision, do you think he'd

still be considered Jewish?

Hello?

Hello?

How's it hanging, buddy?

How's what hanging?

Nothing hanging.

What'd you hear?

Hear?

Tunes-- Grand Funk Railroad.

Oh yeah, and that bit about you
not being technically Jewish,

and your whole life being a lie.

That's some kind of wonderful.

Oh, yeah.

[theme music]

I'm just saying, you
come right out and say you

never converting, there's going
to be a huge drama with my mom.

Tom, if I don't press
a crease in my jeans,

there's huge drama
with your mom.

Just play along,
she'll ease up.

So you want me
to let her think

this is even a possibility?

That doesn't solve
anything, that just

delays the inevitable.

Yes.

But the inevitable takes so
much longer when it's delayed.

But isn't that so
disrespectful to your religion?

Disrespectful to the rabbi?
Maybe.

But the religion?

Solid.

It's just a white lie.

Uh, it's not even white.

Translucent.

Are you sure about this?

I'm sure.

Well, I guess the odd
translucent lie won't hurt us.

As long as we're
honest with each other.

Yeah.

I'm late for history.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey, Carter.

Thanks for the props.

So when are you
going to tell your wife

you dropped out of college?

When are you going to tell
your parents you're stupid?

Really?

Is that the best you can do?

Sorry, I got a lot on my mind.

There, just make sure you
keep it over the seat belt. Hmm?

God, did you put a
crease in this thing?

Hey.

How are my favorite Jewish
neighbors doing this morning?

What is he on about?

BEN: Probably about
his fifth beer

of the day by the looks of him.

Bye, dear.

You listen to me, Hill.

I happen to know that you eat
Big Macs and burn the wrappers.

So if you don't want your vegan
wife to find out about it,

I'd shut your meat hole.

What are you so
ashamed of Ben?

No one's going to blame
you for not wanting a chunk

of your chorizo chopped off.

I am circumcised, OK.

I just didn't go through
with the ceremonial bris

where they use a needle
to extract a drop of blood

from your--

[gibberish]

So you're afraid of a
little prick, so to speak.

It's not funny, OK.

The only other person that knows
that I'm not really Jewish,

a rabbi, no less, is
coming over next week.

Heck, I don't even
know if my marriage

is legit under Jewish law.

Oh, Living in sin.

We are not living in sin.

At least, I don't think we are.

I got to find out, so I have
something to placate Judith.

PHIL: Hey, you know,
I've got an old college

buddy in Boston who's some
kind of Judaic scholar.

I could hit him
up for some info.

You'd do that?

For a price.

Look at you, perfecting your
cool bar moves between classes.

Yeah, Tom.

How do you find the time?

I don't know, but I do.

Welp, I gotta
get home to study,

but I was thinking maybe you
could catch a flick later.

Ah, no, I can't.

I gotta work late.

In class-- anthropology--

I have a late
anthropology class.

There's gotta be a
faster way to say that.

But I'll call you later, OK?

Bye.

And to think, you quit school
to make your life easier.

It is easier, OK.

I couldn't hack the
double shifts and class.

So don't do double shifts.

Oh, yeah, so then Jessie and
I'll just live in my parents

attic til we're 50.

Even if you work
triple shifts,

you'll be there til your 50.

But I'm due for a raise.
Right Leroy?

Well, the fact that
you're my worst employee,

it doesn't look good.

But please, keep talking to
your friend on company time.

You know how we feel
about organized religion.

It is the root of all conflict.

The tool of the oppressor.

The-- the--

Opiate of the masses.

Exactly.

Mom.

Jessie, we raised you
to be non-judgemental.

So then, why are
you judging them?

I am not letting you
go through with this.

- But I already said, yes
- Fine.

Then we're coming with you.

There's no chance that
your coming to this dinner.

We'll sit in quiet protest.

Fine.

On a lawn.

Go ahead.

With signs, megaphones.

I'll call Judith.

Phil, you in here?

PHIL: You get it?

Gah.

Yes, I got it.

Sweet Jesus.

Pinsky's smoked meat.

This baby, kosher?

Why, do you care,
you're not Jewish?

Neither of you.

Been waiting to
use that all day.

Yeah, it's got
that new joke smell.

My woman's got
spies everywhere.

OK, come on, a deal's
a deal, let's have it.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, about that.

Ah, OK, what now?

Well, here I am,
keeping a secret that

could tear apart the
very fabric of your life,

and you get me a sandwich?

Good god, did you
have to buy a whole cow?

It's half a cow.

As long as Tara
doesn't find out I'm

storing this glorious
beast in your freezer,

you're own meat is
safe from exposure.

Here we go.

Woo, doggie.

All right, let's have it.

My buddy e-mailed me all
the deets this morning.

And everything you need
to know is in there.

Doesn't help me much, does it?

I know.

You're screwed.

Nothing like the
smell of deception.

Let's get one thing
straight here, OK.

My lie is a one shot deal.

Phil may perjure
himself for a brisket,

but we Bellow's are as honest
as Abe Lincoln on truth serum.

Sorry, Jess,
anthropology's running long.

Again?

BEN (ON PHONE): We're
studying erosion.

In real time.

But isn't that geology?

Got to go.

Love you.

Shouldn't you be in class?

No, I'm skipping.

Which you could be doing,
too, if you hadn't drop out.

You're an idiot.

So how long do you think
you can keep this up?

Til I can figure
something out.

CARTER: OK, so the
end of time, then.

Ah, I see you've decided
to be a jerk about this.

It's not a choice, Tom.

It's the way I was born.

Just like the way women are
born to dig up every dark secret

we've ever buried.

I will tell her
this weekend, OK.

Take her to a four
star restaurant.

You can't solve
this via Olive Garden.

Besides, what happens
when the school

mails the tuition refunds?

Your dad will find out,
and it's game over.

The refunds were
released on Monday.

They won't hit our
mailbox til Thursday.

I just have to beat
my dad to the mail.

Dude.

Today is Thursday.

Leroy, you gotta cover for me.

Let me think about it.

No.

I'm asking you as a friend.

If you don't let me go,
my marriage is done.

And I'm answering
you as your boss.

You walk out that
door, you're fired.

Oh, this is awkward.

Your marriage, or your job.

Sweetie.

Rabbi Goldstein called.

He's heading out of
town, so he can't

make it to dinner next week.

Oh, there is a god.

And the rabbi must be
busy with said deity.

So instead, I
asked him if he could

make it to dinner tonight.

And he said, yes.

Here comes my famous kugel.

[music playing]

Hello, Tom.

Looking for this?

To Phil, re
neighbor's genitalia.

As your friend, Ben,
never went through

with the ceremonial
circumcision--

No, no, that's the
wrong letter. goddamnit.

You quit college.

Hmm.

You've been lying to us all.

I've been lying?

You're not even Jewish.

That is none of your business.

What were you thinking?

You might as well stab
your mother in the heart.

Or prick you in the--

Stay on the topic at hand.

Bill Gates never
went to college.

Warren Buffett never
went to college.

They both did, genius.

Something you would
probably learn, if you

actually went to college.

Please don't tell mom, I
haven't even told Jessie yet.

There's one thing, I was
hoping you would learn,

and that is that honesty is the
anchor for any good marriage.

Where was I supposed
to learn that dad?

From you?

BEN: Oh.

Judith, I thought
you were shopping?

I forgot my purse.

Ah, here-- What's
going on here boys?

Absolutely nothing.

Gee fellas, who died?

Me.

In about 10 minutes.

Rabbi Goldstein's on his way.

Yeah, I heard.

Tara got us an invite.

Front row seats, right
in the splash zone.

Splash zone.

Yeah, yuck it up chuckleheads.

If I go down, I'm bringing
both of you with me.

What does that mean?

It means, that I'm going
to be telling your wife

about the slab of
beef in my freezer,

and your wife about the slab
of beef that just quit college.

Here he is.

The end is nigh.

Well, he's mad old.

Maybe he won't recognize you.

Benjamin Bellow.

I'd recognize that
face anywhere.

Of course, it wasn't your
face that I saw last, was it?

Hey, wait a minute.

You never finished
your conversion,

you can't be the man
that married Judith.

He's not.

I am.

Hi.
Phil.

Judith's husband.

Pleased to meet you.

Shazam.

Ben was kind enough to
set us up on a date,

and the rest, as
they say, is history.

Oh, boy.

What a mitzva.

Oh, huge mitzva.

And to think, that
Ben's daughter, Jessie,

married my son, Tom, over here.

Oh hey, Tom, why
don't you take the rabbi

and show him the garden.

Oh good.
Yeah.

That would be great.

Come rabbi, follow me.

Are you high?

A little.

Yeah.

But this isn't about me.

This is about you, and saving
your marriage, and my meat.

All we have to do is keep up
the illusion till after dinner.

This has got to be the
dumbest idea you've ever had.

A, this is not the
dumbest idea I've ever had.

And B, what was the
other thing you said?

Here comes the rabbi.

Hello.

Oh, Tara.

Thank, god.

I was afraid you take horribly
ill and not be able to make it.

Oh look, paper plates
and plastic cutlery.

Classy and wasteful.

It just so happens that
the rabbi keeps kosher,

and we do not.

It's a religious observance.

Good to know the trees
you kill to go to heaven.

We brought
cookies for dessert.

There were more,
but dad ate them,

and then claimed it wasn't him.

Thank you, Jesse.

Why don't you and your
refugee friend set the table.

Why are you trying to
brainwash my daughter?

Tara, I am merely
trying to expose her

to a different way of thinking.

I mean, she's an open minded,
intelligent girl just like--

well, there must be somebody.

What was Phil's mother like?

Right this way, rabbi.

Welcome to my humble home.

Well, I'm
delighted to be here.

And what are they doing?

They're making
room for appetizers.

And may I say, rabbi,
dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

I made it out of clay.

Come my friend the rabbi,
the kitchen's right this way.

You remember Judith, of course?

Of course, I do.

How are you my dear?

You don't look a day older.

Good to see you again, rabbi.

RABBI: Thank you.

And Phil's quite the handful.

To say nothing of his wife.

This is Tara.

RABBI: I see Ben's taste in
women, remains exquisite.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, for gracing us
with your presence here and--

oh, this is our little Jessie.

Great.

Hi.

I'm sorry Wendy couldn't
be here this evening,

she's at a young
conservative's rally.

Would you excuse me?

And who is Wendy?

She's my--

She's my sister.

She's his sister.

Tom's sister, Wendy.

I'm off the clock Phil, so
why don't you do the blessings.

Oh, you do realize he's not--

Prepared.

Not-- I mean, formally prepared.

But, he's always
up for a blessing.

You see, Jessie, this
is how they rope us in.

To a-- delicious meal, which,
of course, can't begin until

Phil leads us in a blessing.

Berakhota.

I would be honored
to do the blessings.

God almighty, thank you
for this bountiest bounty.

Baklava.

Put on your yarmulke.

Here comes Hanukkah.

[inaudible]

You and I are going
to have a little chat

after dinner aren't we, Phil?

Let's eat.

RABBI: Oh, Phil,
be a mensch, will

you and pass the gefilte fish.

Ah, the gefilte
fish, right away.

Here we are, rabbi,
the gefilte fish.

RABBI: So, Jesse, I
understand that you're

considering doing
that which your father

could not bring himself to do.

Pilates?

Funny this one.

No, no, no, Judith
said you've expressed

an interest in our faith.

Actually, I think she
expressed that interest for me.

OK, I just have to
get this out there.

It is possible to live
a life without being

bound by a religion.

If you like to drift
around aimlessly,

with no direction or purpose.

Can we talk about
something else?

Tom, how's college?

Well, it's-- really college-y.

It's got lots of
books and lectures.

Whoa, the lectures.

All right.

Jesse, is not converting.

Oh, come on, darling, now is
not the time to get into it.

No, now, actually is the time.

What mom's saying is that,
while I respect your religion,

I'm not really comfortable with
the intention of this dinner.

TOM: Which is
precisely why we should

get it over with as quickly
and painlessly as possible.

TARA: You know, some
of us here believe,

that religion has wreaked
havoc the world over.

Isn't that right, Phil?

Not this cowboy.

I like my religion the way
I like my women, organized.

Tara, what did you
put in those cookies?

Let's discuss something a
little less controversial--

Yes.

--puppies, or musicals--

How about talking snakes?

Huh?

I mean apparently
they're real, according

to the Torah, right, rabbi?

Darling.

Darling?

I believe these
snakes are a metaphor.

TOM: Who wants more knishes?

Knish me.

Ben.

Ben.

Kitchen, now.

How much alcohol's
in kosher wine?

MONICA: Did somebody say wine?

Monica, what are
you doing here?

I need daddy to fix
a speeding ticket.

Well, he's kinda
busy right now, so.

What have we here?

Nothing, so.

Feel free to go.

Relax little brother.

I can wait all night.

I'm not comfortable
with displays of affection

in front of the rabbi.

Well, you are
acting ridiculous.

And you're not setting a
very good example for Tom.

You're more right
than you know.

What?

Judith, you mean
the world to me.

You know that, right?

You know, I've settled
a lot of disputes

between in-laws in my days.

Maybe I should help.

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, uh, if we did everything
for those crazy kids, how would

they ever learn.

Tom.

Porch.

Now.

They're big on the
private meetings.

I'll have some of
the gentle fish.

It's gefilte fish.

Ah, geneffa fish.

I swear, nothing's going on.

I'm releasing that picture
of you on the internet.

What picture?

That's just it.

You're not going to know
until it's out there.

OK, OK, OK, Dad's
not really Jewish,

Phil's pretending to
be married to Mom,

and I dropped out of college
without telling anyone.

And I lost my job.

I feel suddenly
vested with great power.

No, Monica, look,
I'm begging you.

If you have any love
for Dad or me, at all,

you can't Rabbi Goldstein
know that Dad didn't

go through with his bris.

Oh, Tom, please, what kind
of manipulative, self-serving

bitch do you think I am?

Ben, Rabbi Goldstein hasn't
had any kosher sausage yet.

Why are you calling him Ben?

At least I think
they're kosher.

You never can tell
from the outside, huh?

Monica, I'm sorry, would
you help me look for my fork,

please?

If you know what I think you
know you'll keep a lid on it.

Two weeks, with my friends, at
our time share in Palm Springs.

JUDITH: You're just saying that.

RABBI: Would I lie--

One.

Week and a half.

One.

Her Final offer.

JUDITH: Rabbi, you're
making me blush.

Enjoying the sausages, rabbi?

RABBI: I love kishka.

It's my favorite.

Would you like some, young lady?

No, thank you.

You know what I like?

Cocktail wieners.

The ones that they serve at
parties with the toothpicks

jammed right into them.

Week and a half.

Hey, rabbi?

You know what I've always
been curious about?

What?

The bris.

That's what you've
always been curious about?

Mhm.

Please, explain it rabbi.

Two.

More knishes here--

Save some for me.

I've decided I want
three for myself.

- Over my dead body.
- He's right.

Better watch those carbs.

Rabbi.
Bris.

Describe.

Well, it's not exactly
dinner conversation,

but what the heck.

First, I cross a section of
the skin with a hemostat.

Then, I pull a foreskin
up over the clamp

and push it through
a hole in the base.

And then I tighten up the clamp.

I just didn't want him
to puncture my penis,

Is that so wrong?

Rabbi, I married
Judith, not Tara.

Tom is my kid, not Jessie.

Judith, I'm sorry
I chickened out.

I forged the
convergence certificate.

I'm not officially Jewish.

Which means, you're
not officially married.

Someone's not
getting any tonight.

He's storing
meat in my freezer.

You're doing what?

No, I--

Tom quit school.

Whoa.

Yeah, and got fired
from the juice bar.

You quit school?

And got fired
from the juice bar.

Yeah, well, she has no
intention of converting,

never did.

Oh, god.

Well, is there anyone else,
who has anything to confess?

It is I that ate the cookies.

Best family dinner, ever.

L'chaim.

Please don't hate me
for quitting school.

I think my parents suffocating
guilt is punishment enough.

I don't hate you.

I'm just extremely
disappointed slash

annoyed with you,
for a period of time

that has yet to be determined.

Also, I kind of hate you.

But?

I'm sorry, Tom, but that was
a pretty boneheaded thing to do.

I know, it's just, I
couldn't handle school

and work at the same time.

So I chose the one that would
get us out of here faster.

And then you got fired.

Well, the plan had some holes.

I can't believe our punishment
is to clean out the freezer.

Who knew mold could grow
in subzero temperatures.

Well, we should
count ourselves lucky

our wives didn't leave us.

At least you got free meat.

How are you doing
over there, buddy?

I feel my punishment
does not fit my crime.

Ah, look on the bright side,
we got off easier than my dad.

Ah!

RABBI: Oh, quiet Benjamin,
I haven't even done it yet.

OK.

OK.

It's done.

[theme music]

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