All language subtitles for 18 to Life s01e03 Its My Party.eng

[music playing]

And this is our kitchen.

Well, kitchen area.

Ooh, very exciting.

[yawns] And yet I
yawned for some reason.

Do you have any cappuccino?

We don't have a
cappuccino machine.

Espresso?

Instant coffee?

[sighs]

I'm assuming
you have a kettle?

Of course we have a kettle.

Tom, your mom wants
her kettle back.

But I was just going
to make Monica coffee.

Oh, Monica.

Come down to the real kitchen.

I'll make you something decent.

Mm?

OK.

Is it just me, or does
your mom still think

you and I are kind of a joke?

No, no.

I mean, that's
just how mom talks.

It doesn't mean
anything, right, Monica?

Boring.

I think the question is why
don't you have your own stuff?

Oh well, you know the
saying, the best things in life

aren't things.
- Yeah, that's not true.

The problem is you haven't
had a bridal shower.

Oh, no.

I don't believe in--

Still boring.

Look, I'll tell you what.

We're going to organize
a bridal shower.

You invite all of
mom's rich friends.

This place is going to look
like the back of a mob truck.

I don't know.

Well, mom does
like to plan a party.

Could be a good chance
for you guys to bond.

You think?

So let me get this straight.

The back of a mob truck thing
doesn't really do it for you,

but the bonding does.

God, you two are so weird.

Thanks for this, Monica.

Your happiness
is thanks enough.

And I get first
pick of the gifts.

Ciao.

I'm still worried your
mom doesn't to us seriously.

You are being crazy.

Look, I will make you
a killer breakfast,

and we'll forget all about it.

Just got to borrow
the frying pan.

[theme music]

Can we find a way that
we could be together.

Is there any way that
we could be together?

And oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Wait.

Jessie is having
a bridal shower?

That's awesome.

Yeah, I don't
think we're invited.

No, idiot.

See, if Jesse has a shower, that
means you get a bachelor party.

It's called status quo.

Do you mean quid pro quo?

Exactly tit for tit.

- It's tat.
- What did I say?

Tit.

[snorts] You said tit.

You know, maybe you're right.

A bachelor party
could be a good excuse

to get away from the family.

What's this?

Did I hear something
about a bachelor party?

Uh, well, party is
kind of overstating it.

Tom and I were just planning on
having a nice dinner together.

Oh, well, that sounds nice,
girls, but you leave it to me.

I've been known
to plan a bachelor

party or two in my day.

Oh.

Good.

Because that would mean you'd--

you'd come.

So for food,
we'll need some hors

d'oeuvres and sandwich trays.
- No problem.

I'll call Frangelico's

No.
No Frangelico's.

Their products
aren't fair trade.

Well, first off,
you don't trade.

You give them money.

Lots, in fact.

I got it, princess.

Frangelico's
will be fine, mom.

Judith, maybe you and I can
work on the menu together.

Oh, that's OK.

I have it covered.

I'll take care of
drinks and decorations,

and I suppose we'll have
to plan some shower games.

Like what?

Pin the veil on the bride?

You know that's a
real thing, right?

Wow.

I am never getting married.

Maybe you and I could come
up with some games together?

Oh, that's OK.

I have a book around
here somewhere.

I'll take care of it.

I love bachelor parties.

Hey, why not have it
right here at the house.

That way, I get to
meet all your chums

and kick their
butt at ping-pong.

[laughter]

- Oh, darn.
- Oh.

We're planning on
having it the same night

as Jessie's shower, so.

You guys talking
bachelor party?

Evidently.

Well, if you're
looking for a venue,

we could have it at my place.

Yeah, I don't think my dad--

- Done.
- Really?

Now, listen.

These boys are young,
so I don't blue movies,

but I thought we could get
those little swizzle sticks

shaped like naked ladies.

I love those.

How they get along.

So invites.

Here we go.

They're made from
composted material

and colored with vegetable dye.

Is that barley?

Buckwheat.

I took the liberty of
drawing up a guest list.

Hm.

Are these arranged in
order of net worth?

Alphabetical tells us nothing.

I have a list of my
friends too, Judith.

Should we combine them?

No, that's fine.

Why don't you send
your invitations,

and I'll send mine.

There's no point in
overcomplicating things.

We're-- we're really
starting to bond.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

The only reason I
agreed to a shower

was to bond with your mom,
and now she won't let me.

Whatever do you mean?

Well, I keep suggesting fun
things we can work on together,

you know, as a team--

OK.

Stop right there.

What?

My mom doesn't exactly
do the team thing.

You want to connect
with her, there's got

to be a little give and give.

And stay away from words like
together and team and fun.

What does that mean?

Tagging along.

So if I want your
mom to like me,

I'm supposed to just
follow her around and agree

to whatever she wants?

No, I-- yeah, actually,
that's it exactly.

I'm going to write that down.

How did you say it again?

It was really concise.

Tom!

Look on the bright side.

My dad could be
planning your shower.

Your father might throw
a good bachelor party.

You don't know.

Yeah, I do.

My dad's not good at parties.

If either party
disagrees with my decision,

they can file what's
called an appeal.

Now, an appeal-- yes.

Can you cast spells
with your hammer?

I'm not a wizard, kid.

I'm a judge.

And this a gavel.

OK?

My friends come to this party,
and I can kiss my rep goodbye.

Really?

Rep?

No good?

Yeah.

Nobody talks like that anymore.

I'll tell you one thing.

Our friends come to this party,
you can kiss your rep goodbye.

So what do I do now?

That's simple.

We party with your two
dads at the Hill's place.

I wish you wouldn't
call them my two dads.

But we tell the boys to
meet us at the frat house,

where the real party kicks in.

After your father nods
off watching Fox News.

The frat house?

Yeah, the frat house!

I mean, we've got [inaudible],,
beers, guys acting like idiots.

Cool.

So like any other night
of the frat house,

except there won't be girls.

Well, jeez.

When you say it like
that, it sounds lame.

Oh, wait.
No.

There's going to be a stripper.

[laughs] I forgot to
mention the stripper.

I would have lead
with the stripper.

Yeah.
Good note.

I don't think
the shower guests

are going to want to play a
Hannah Montana board game,

sweetie.

There's a drinking version.

Anything I can do to help
with party prep, Judith?

I don't think so.

- Invitations?
- Taken care of.

Decorations?

Picking them up right now.

Music?

Got plenty of CDs.

Wow.

These are great.

Michael Bubl ?

"The Lighter Side
of Michael Bubl ."

You're really good at this.

Thank you, Jessie.

Um, could I come with you
to pick up the decorations?

I've already chosen the
color scheme, you know.

Oh, yeah.
I know.

I know.

I just-- I thought it might
be fun to maybe carry a box.

[laughs nervously]

Sure.

Why not?

OK.

That was fun.

I'm glad we got to
spend time together.

You know what?

I am too.

You sound surprised.

Well, I usually do this
sort of thing on my own.

Oh, that's silly, Judith.

You're not a control freak.

Who said I was?

Nobody.

Hey, here's something.

Did you know I've always
loved those jeans on you?

Yeah.

You have such great taste
in high-waisted pants.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe someday you can show
me where you buy them.

Well stores are
open for another hour.

Oh.

Taxi!

Oh, let me help you, there.
- Oh, thanks.

Oh, tonight's really
going to be fun.

Way better than
Tom's bachelor thing.

Oh, I don't know.

Ben throws a pretty good party.

[chuckles]

And then they burned
my village down.

[clears throat] OK.

Well maybe wedding night stories
weren't such a great idea.

What say we kick this
party into high gear

with a little Chateaux Hill?

Yes.
All right.

Oh, no, no.

Phil, I-- I can't allow that.

These boys are under age.

I'll see you later.

Where-- where are you going?

Anywhere but here.

These are Judith's friends?

They're a little more candle
and sandal than I expected.

These are my friends.

Oh.

Oh, they're nice.

Yes.

They're--

A, we need a corkscrew.

And B, where the hell
are mom's friends?

It's early.

The party just started.

I didn't suggest this so I
could walk away with a bunch

of hand-knitted tea cozies.

I want my weight in
cold, hard appliances.

You said you just
wanted one gift.

I renegotiated the
terms of our agreement.

You weren't there.
- But--

Corkscrew.

[sighs]

Jessie.

You never mailed the
invitations to your friends?

Wait.

It's not as bad as you think.

It's not that I don't like you.

It's just that I haven't
told any of my friends

that Tom got married to you.

How is that not
as bad as I think?

OK.
You're right.

It is as bad as you think.
- You know what?

This party was a terrible idea.

I've been to worse.

This was fun.

You know, how come you never
had a shower for your wedding,

Tara?

Because Phil and I never
actually got married, remember?

That's great.

Mm.

You know, Jerry and I have
an open relationship too.

We don't have an
open relationship.

Yeah.
No.

Well, we-- we don't either.

Hey Jess, you OK?

Great.

Just great.

Come on, I know
that you're upset.

Spill.

Tom's mother didn't
invite any of her friends

because she's embarrassed
Tom married me,

and she's never going accept me.

She's a miserable shrew.

And those high-waisted
jeans chafed my rib cage.

Man, when somebody
says spill, you spill.

Everyone, I would
like to propose

a toast to a very special lady.

I think you all know
who I'm talking about,

our hostess, Judith Bellow.

Party planner
extraordinaire and someone

who obviously loves
Jessie very much.

Everyone, to Judith.

To Judith.

To Judith.

[dice rattling]

Yahtzee!

Woo!

Man, oh man,
this place is dead.

You sure you gave your
friends the right address?

More so with each
passing second.

Boy, I could use a soda pop.

How's the real pretty going?

Check it out.

I did not know a
dog could funnel beer.

Man, I can't believe
we're missing this party.

I thought your dad
would be asleep by now.

It's 8:30.
How old did you think he was?

I don't know.
70?

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, uh, an application
that tracks climate change.

Apparently, it's
still happening.

Let's see.

Well, now that is a party.

[laughs]

what is this?

Oh, this is going
on right now, is it?

Uh, yeah.

I guess the guys
at the frat house

are having a thing tonight too.

I guess if you boys
would rather go there,

it's all right with us, huh?

- Seriously?
- Sure.

Why not?
- All right.

Yeah.

[laughter]

Whose care we taking?

Oh.

Well, we're about
to start the games.

Are you coming?

I guess I didn't
get my invitation.

I deserve that.

Why don't you just
admit that you still don't

take this marriage seriously?

All right.

I don't take it seriously.

You want to know what
really went through my head?

Yeah.

I thought that maybe if I
don't tell my friends that

my 18-year-old son got married,
then maybe I won't have to tell

them when he gets divorced.

[scoffs] I--

I can't believe
you just said that.

Well, don't ask
the question if you

don't want to hear the answer.

We're not going to
get divorced, Judith.

We love each other.

You don't know what love is.

You met when you were children.

So what?

When I met Ben, I was an
adult. I remember every detail.

His crisp blue blazer,
the sweat on his upper lip

as he hurled insults at
the no nukes protesters.

That's when I knew he
was the one for me.

I just want my son
to have what I have.

Instead, he marries
the girl next door.

[scoffs]

That's not love.

It's convenience.

Well, thank you
for clearing that up.

I've got to go lie down.

[sighs] Um, we're
out of salmon thingies.

[music playing]

- Ah!
- Oh!

[laughter]

[cheering]

[inaudible]!

How do they know you?

I was the condom rep on
campus for a couple of weeks.

How do you think they
learned how to play Frisbeer?

Yo, you are nuts.

This might not be so bad.

[laughter]

Hi.

Narc!

OK everyone, we're going
to play the newlywed game.

So we quizzed Tom with
a bunch of questions,

and now we're going
to see how well

Jessie knows my idiot brother.

I mean, her loving
husband, who's an idiot.

And if she gets the answer
wrong, she has to take a drink?

No.

So the first question comes
from Tara, mother of the bride.

All right.

For 10 points, what did Tom
say his favorite fast food

restaurant was?

Does it matter?

No one thinks this marriage
is going to last anyway.

I'm sorry.

The answer we were
looking for was Arby's.

Arby's.

Yeah.

[music playing]

Hey Bellow, is that your dad?

Yeah.
Yeah, it is.

Thanks, buddy.

He's old.

[laughs]

And he's killing his liver.

Huh?

All right, everybody.

Knock it off!

So even though you boys
have an exam on Monday,

you're all in here partying
like a bunch of animals!

Well, apparently, I'm going to
have to teach you all a lesson.

[music playing]

[cheering]

Kroger, I can't get a lap
dance in front of my dad.

Uh, you are now.

[cheering]

Oh my God, Ben Bellow?

- [laughs]
- Amber.

How are you, hon?

I'm doing great.

How are you?
- Good to see you.

Oh, it's been
such a long time.

We have to catch up.

Absolutely.

Listen, go easy on him,
will you, sweetheart?

It's my son.

Oh, [giggles] that's so cute.

Hey!
All right.

Here we go.

[cheering]

How do you know her?

She's been in and out of
my courtroom a few times,

and I've decided to be lenient.

You know, get her
some counseling.

Apparently it really helped
turn her life around.

But she's a stripper.

Yeah.

But she used to be
an investment banker.

What would your husband
like to have more than

anything else in the world?

A second shot at happiness
with someone he hasn't met?

Hm, is everything OK, Jess?

Yeah, sweetie.

I mean, I don't want to get all
motherly on you or anything,

but you really
suck at this game.

I'm sorry.

I'm ruining everyone's fun.

Let's keep going.

OK, Jess.

Moving on to the next question,
so we can move on to the gifts.

What with Tom say was
the moment the two of you

both fell in love?

Well, I can't say for sure
what the moment for Tom was,

but I remember mine.

It was the first grade.

I was the new kid
and kind of shy.

I looked across the
playground, and there

was Tom, in blue overalls,
sneakers, and mismatched socks.

I couldn't take my eyes off him.

And not just because
of the chocolate

pudding all over his face.

It was like time slowed down.

He smiled at me, and then all of
a sudden, he shouted, look out!

And I turned, and I just missed
being puked on by Ken Paulson.

[laughter]

Tom always has my back.

That's one of the reasons
why I married him.

And it's been that way for
as long as I can remember.

I just-- I didn't
realize until now.

[women cooing and awing]

Now, a word about vermouth.

Personally, I never
touch the stuff.

But it's always good to have a
little on hand for the ladies.

Huh?

He's doing the
vermouth speech.

This is brutal.

Relax, man.

Everyone loves him.

Are you sure they're
not just humoring him?

dude, look.

That guy's taking notes.

Let's say you find yourself
after work with a date.

No time to go home.

Well, if you don't
have any cologne,

try rubbing a little lemon
rind behind your ear.

Dude, where are you going?

This guy is awesome.

Not like that old dude over
there who's trying too hard.

And another charitable
donation to Save the bark

beetle.

Thank you.

I told my friends
that you would probably

want to do something
good for the world

rather than just collect
these meaningless trinkets.

God, this party sucks.

OK.

So why don't we cut the cake?

Where's Judith?

Oh, I think she's
down for the night.

Say hello to a
few late arrivals.

What's going on?

Well, I thought you might like
to meet some friends of mine

from the neighborhood.

So which one is
the lucky bride?

Everyone, I'd like you all
to meet Jessie Hill Bellow,

my daughter-in-law.

Mazeltov.

Come over here.

JESSIE: Thank you.

Sorry, Jessie.

I'm just doing the best I can.

Why are you crying?

Because I'm never going
to get a panini maker.

No.

Where did you learn to
hold your liquor like that?

Well, son, your grandmother
was a woman of hidden depths.

[zipper unzipping]

Wicked party, Tom.

Hey, don't tell your mom
I peed on the hydrangeas.

When did you--

Those are your
hydrangeas, Phil.

Oh.

Dad, I have to
confess, I didn't invite

anybody to our bachelor party.

I know, son.

You're unpopular, but
you're not that popular.

To be honest, I--

I thought you
embarrass me, but--

PHIL: [vomiting]

You didn't totally suck.

This is a rite of passage
in a young man's life,

to see his father as
a man, not just a dad.

So when do I get that
lesson on the perfect martini?

When you're 25.

Hey, how was your night?

Mm.

I'm so glad to see you.

I feel the same way.

[moaning]

[vomiting]

Oh, [laughs].

Well, all things considered,
it was a perfect day.

Really?

Well, it sounded pretty rough.

You mad at Jessie,
Jessie mad at you.

Monica going through
everybody's purses for cash.

You do know when you
say all things considered,

you're not actually supposed
to consider all things?

Oh.

Sorry, honey.

I did get to relive
one great memory, though.

Hm?

The moment that we first met.

Huh?

Ah, the chairlift.

Was it a gondola?

Spain.

[sighs] Way to
ruin the perfect day.

But it was on the first--

Go to sleep, Ben.

[claps]

Chairlift.

[music playing]

In the glare of their lights.

While the natives kept
repeating ancient jungle rites.

Oh, and once the dusky warriors
began to raise their arms

to skies above, and the
natives stepped forth to chant

to his voodoo goddess of love.

Hm-baloo!

[music playing]

[music playing]

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