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What the fuck is your problem?

No dishwee-saya.

My bumbaclot Johnson
no working, see?

What?

I'm a rasclot true gashman
and my dick won't stay tick, see?

I think I got something for that.
Hold on.

Girl, wake your ass up.
Damn right you ain't asleep.

"Crabs... bad breath."

"Limp dick." Ha!

Got that dough?

Mm-hmm.

Will this make my drill sergeant
stand at attention?

No, but it'll make you forget your drill
sergeant don't stand at attention.

Blaze two,
get at me in the morning. Peace!

Yo, Silas, my brother!

Oh, shit, Mikey. Hell, no!

Hey, come on, Silas.
I need something to help me out.

Yeah, rehab, mouthwash,
and a job application. Jeez...

I'm starting to
recognize things.

That's 'cause you coming down

off a three-month crack binge.
[T's called reality, son.

- Later, man.
- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, Silas!

You've got anything
for a head wound?

Man, ain't nothing
wrong with your head.

There is now.

Fuckin' crackhead.

Now what? Oh, shit, ive!

What's up, dog?

- What's up, nigga?
- What's crackin'?

Oh, shit. You know.

Hey, yo, you get my message
about goin' to the jets game?

Yo, I wish I could, dog, but I got this
little shorty coming through tonight.

I met her
on the Internet, chickenheads.Com.

This girl is banging!

Yo, we even exchanged pictures
and everything!

- Damn. This look like your last girlfriend.
- Mm-hmm.

And did your picture have that nasty al b.
Sure! Pubic patch in it, motherfucker?

Yo, this just sprang up.
You know what I think it is?

It's the Mark of Buddha.

And your haircut game
is fucked up.

Girlfriend see that,
she's gonna shit on you.

This girl is different. All she cares
about is Kevin costner movies.

I'm gonna let kev
do the foreplay, right?

And I figured I could get something
from the "garden of weeden"

to make it interesting.

- Costner, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Dances with wolves.

Field of dreams.

That's a corny motherfucker.

You gonna need
some strong shit just to stay awake.

You're feeling me.
You're feeling me.

That's a four-hour move
you're makin', motherfucker.

Whoo! What is this?

Huh?

Get up.

Dog, you shouldn't have.

Man, I didn't.
Get outta here with that shit.

- Let me just grab her itty.
- Hell, no.

She wouldn't
even know it was me.

To hell with that.

What you got for me?

Here you go,
right here, the bomb.

Oh, yeah.
What's this right here?

Stop touching stuff!

When you gonna
get funds for this shit?

Look right there.
See that right there?

That's a natural
aphrodisiac right there.

Come here.
Let me show you some more shit.

Look right there. See that right there? That's
a painkiller. Look up under there, bro.

You see that?
Cure for blue balls.

This ain't shit, all right?
Watch yourself.

Yeah, well, your shit is raggedier
than a motherfucker, okay?

You know, if you took your head
off these hos and put them in some books,

you'd have the lab
you always talked about.

Half those books is filled with bullshit,
the other half lies, all right?

See what I'm saying?
I gotta give pops his medicine.

I'm hungrier than four dudes.

Hey, I'm hungrier than five.

Who is you,
and what you doing in my house, Jack?

I work for pork chops 0'chunky.

Whether you're black,
or a honky, or in-between,

you'll love pork chops 0'chunky.

Man, that's mean!
So what's in this stuff?

- Hey, nothing but pork.
- Wow! Right on!

Why don't you come and
have a bowl...

There you go.

Yo, you scared to
answer your calling?

Man, what calling?

Pork chops 0'chunky taste real good

won't make your
bathroom smell funky, yeah

you got an opportunity to do something here
that the drug companies would never do.

Let's put the power of the healing
back into the hands of the common man.

Hey, whatever, man.

What you need to do is concentrate
on getting the power of Booty

into the hands of
your common ass.

That's what the hell
you need to do.

Don't worry about the ive.
I got mine coming tonight.

Hey, Silas.

Damn, you see the ass on her?

What's up, boy?

Yo, you just remember to take them thcs,
at least try to get into college,

working in a real lab,
making some real money.

Yeah, okay. Whatever, man.
If you say so, bro.

The world is bigger
than staten island, dog.

I'm out.

- Holler at me.
- I'll try to.

Silas: What's up, ladies?

Yo, si.

If I got hit by
a bus tomorrow, I got your back, dog.

If anything happened to me
while I jumped out of a window

and my hair caught on fire,
I got your back, dog.

If my ex came at me with a knife
and stabbed me, I got your back!

Man, you talk too
fucking much. Peace!

Yo, Silas!
You better take those college exams!

Woman: Look at Jamal.
He's a good boy, huh?

Good boy, my ass. Ask him why I had
to cancel my nail appointment

to go and pick him up
in the precinct last week.

Mamma, they lying.

They lying?

They found the weed
on you, didn't they?

It wasn't mine.

Then what is this
that I found in your bedroom?

And this is where
you turn it on at.

Excuse me?

Head.

Now, where did I go wrong
with your ass?

You're gonna have to take that thc
test and get into a four-year college

or I'm gonna just cut you off
from this family.

Baby, you are the first member
of this family to go to college.

But six years at a two-year
community college isn't what I had in mind!

Both: Tell the truth.

Baby, I got a dream

that one day
I could put your college diploma

here under my Jesus,
who's master of this house,

and your sister's
weave master degree.

Now don't disappoint me,

you weed-smoking,
three-day-wearing nasty ass.

Just like your father, - ma,

why you always gotta be talking to
me like that in front of company?

These bitches ain't nobody.

Now go warm me up some
pork chops 0'chunky.

Is that all, mamma?

Wash your nasty ass.

Is that all, mamma?

You the man.

What's up, baby?

Oh, hell, no!

I didn't know you had dreads.

And what is that?

Brother just got extensions
put in today.

They tight, huh?

Where? Between your eyes?

What the hell is that?

It's the Mark of Buddha.

It's the skidmark of Buddha!

Looks like he took a dump
in the middle of your face.

I don't think
this is gonna work out.

Hold on now!

Why you doing this? I rented field
of dreams and dances with wolves.

Nigga, you are a wolf.

Chocolate diva! Nubian goddess!

I'm taking you off
my buddy list, bitch!

I hope you get a virus,
you and your computer!

Man 1:
If you build it, they will come.

Man 2: What do you mean, "if you
build it, they gonna come"?

Who're these people gonna come to a fucking
cornfield? Who's gonna cut the grass?

I know you don't expect me
to sell no peanuts up in this bitch.

This shit remind me
of slavery, roots and shit.

[ Don't play this, man.

Ray: Hey, what was that?

Annie! Crazy ho!

Know what I'm saying? Only way I'm coming is
if you got some females and some chronic.

Then we all gonna be coming.

Ray: That voice just now,
what was it?

Annie: We didn't hear anything.

You got some
nice titties, dog. Word.

Woman: What titties? What?

Ray: Okay, you must've
heard that.

Annie: It's a good
baseball field, ray.

Ray: It's kind of pretty,
isn't jit?

Annie: Oh, yeah. Ray: Told you.

Annie: Did not. Ray: I did.

Annie: No, you did not.
You been busy plowin' my com.

Mark of Buddha, my ass.
Look at you now. Dead, ashes.

Damn, ivory.
After all these years of blazing,

who would've thought the last thing to wind
up smoking would be your ass?

I'm gonna miss you, dog,

and I'm gonna be thinking about you
while I'm taking them thcs.

And if you're really my boy,

you'll make sure
I pass that motherfucker, you heard?

Thanks, pops. Matter of fact,
what's up with that little...

Can I get a little...
Never mind. Forget it.

Rude-ass motherfucker.
Stingy bastard!

Shit.

Hey, early girl.

Oh, ivory! My, how you've grown!

Damn, ivory! I had no idea
you could stink so good, nigga!

Jeez!

Man: Hey, man.
Get that car fixed, yo!

Blunt o'clock, boy!

Man, get the fuck
outta here, man!

Look at this little-ass
bag of fucking weed!

Yes, lord. Oh, damn!

Oh, shit! My weed!

No cigar? No!

Fuck! Fuck! Bitch!

Fuck! Fuck! Bitch! Fuck!

Got blunt?

Got weed?

Man, that shit smells
good as hell, dog.

I'm Jamal.

Peace. Silas.

Say, you trying to get something to
bring them nerves down, too, huh, bro?

Yeah, I figure if I study high, take
the test high, get high scores.

Right? Right.

Right.

Man: Look at that car.

Woman: Is it on fire?

Hit that, son.

Yo!

Yo!

This is the shit.

That shit is called ivory.

It's the shit.

That's the ivory, right there.

- Goddamn!
- This is the shit.

Hey, y'all pass that, kid.

I just gave it
to the guy in the back, man.

Guy in the back?
What the fuck are you...

- What's up, dog?
- That's ivory.

No, that's the ivory, bro. Damn.

Ivory! Shit!
You got to be kidding me!

Yo, yo, yo, Silas! Chill out! Silas!

Word!

What the fuck is going on?
Ain't you supposed to be dead?

I am dead, but this is
what happens when you smoke your boy.

Holy shit! Man, let me try that!

Ivory: Silas, relax.

Now can we talk about this
back in your car?

Look, I know how you
can get high scores.

I'm a ghost, ghost, ghost,
ghost, ghost, ghost.

Don't touch me, man.

It's me, dog.

What are you doing, lve? You just running
the streets, fucking with the living?

No, bro. I'm just here for you.

But you gotta understand that people
can only see me when they smoke me.

I got all the answers.
I can consult with people.

Socrates, Nietzsche,
even the old dude who made up this test.

- That's bullshit.
- I bullshit you not.

Remember, I told you I have your back,
even if I got hit by a bus.

Man, matter of fact, your ass
didn't even get hit by a bus.

I made it!
I can't feel my legs, but I'm alive!

- And you predicted that shit?
- Yeah.

So what are you doing here, man?
You gonna hook me up with a chick

with no gag reflex
or some shit like that?

Even better.
I'm gonna be in there with you.

By the time I'm done with you, every college
in the country will be knocking at your door.

Ow! Shit. Man, I must not
be high enough, nigga.

He's a ghost, man.

Cool. That explains everything.

I'm up here trying to
put my fucking hand through the...

We've never had anybody,
let alone two people, get a perfect score.

We either have
a one-in-six-billion phenomenon or a cheat.

- Damn!
- It would've been impossible

for either of you to cheat.

You had two
totally different versions of the test.

Congratulations. These scores are going to
get you into any college in the country.

Yo, we still high on that ivory?

Huntley: Dean, it's as
simple as this.

The trustees
of the university are riding my ass

about getting some
color up at Harvard.

- Excuse me?
- Ethnic diversity.

The trustees seem to think
we need it.

How come we don't have
more minorities?

How should I know?

If we don't do something soon,
I might get fired.

What about upchuck kamalu?
He's eskimo.

Why isn't he considered
as a minority? And I brought him in.

Yes, but it's breaking the bank
keeping his igloo frozen.

Dean, what about those two guys
I read about from the tri-states?

They made perfect scores
on their thcs!

I saw those guys' pictures.
They look like mug shots!

I don't care. I want them!

At reparations technical institute, we
offer a cornucopia of educational

and business opportunities

for brothers and sisters to pursue higher
learning. Read from the brochure, brother.

Brothers, join us

at reparations technical institute
and learn hatred for the white devil

in a relaxed campus atmosphere,
where classes range...

- From...
- Hatred for the white devil.

- To...
- Advanced hatred for the white devil.

- And...
- Volleyball.

Both: Next!

You think you're all
hot tamales right now, I'll tell you.

Why don't you come down
to the base and understand

what it's really like
to be somebody special?

You can work hard, you learn,

and then you can
build refrigerators and such.

Next!

- Taking a vow of celibacy...
- Next!

- Frees your mind...
- Next!

- And your body.
- Next!

Harvard? Ain't it
a lot of Richie people up there?

Shit, I gotta roll up
that joint, dog.

Well, with test scores like these,
you can roll up any joint you want.

But Harvard, gentlemen,
is not just any joint. It's an institution.

All I want to do
is develop my herbal in a real lab

and get some head
while I'm doing it.

Well, we have the finest
botany department in the world

and a quality of life
like no other.

Music, artists, and the women.

So, does it sound tempting?
Ivy league atmosphere?

A place where you can
really grow academically?

I'll fucks with you.

Shit, I fucks with you, too.

Is that good?

Yes, that's a "yes."

Then we'll fox with each other!

Damn!

Silas: They look like
they still in high school, yo.

If there's grass
on the infield, play ball.

Where the fuck
is orientation at, anyway?

Both: Damn!

What the fuck was that?

Jesus!

If I can pull off
six years at a community college,

I know I can get
at least 12 years up in this motherfucker.

Yo, how much of that
ivory shit we got, anyway?

We limited, all right?
We'll have to split this shit up.

You know what I'm saying?
We only Blaze at test times.

What, no wake and bake?

Got other stuff for that.

Oh.

Bart!

Remember those artifacts
that I found this summer?

Well, I was right!
They are Ben Franklin's!

Great! Did you figure out
where you want to eat dinner tonight?

Dinner? Bart, you know, some of
these things are...

They look like
earlier inventions,

and if I can discover
what these are,

it could be the greatest find
in the history of anyone attending Harvard.

I love Ben Franklin, girl,

and I could listen to you
talk about his stinking ass all day long.

Excuse me?

Oh. Does anybody know
where the financial aid office is?

Well, my man, let me think.

See that statue right there?
[T's beautiful, isn't it?

That statue is in the likeness
of my great-granddaddy dooster,

so I'm guessing
that would be the dooster house,

the financial aid office.

Gee, I don't think I've ever met anyone
who actually needed to go there.

All we did was come over here
and ask for directions.

If we came over here and asked if
anybody needed their ass kicked,

you wouldn't sound
so fucking smug, now, would you?

My bad, bro.
We got off on the wrong foot.

Let's start over. I'm Bart.

Yeah, I'm Jamal.

Well, my friend, this is crew,
but don't even think about it.

You don't look
like you could hang, Jermaine.

The name's Jamal,
and I'll fuck your crew up.

Who are they? Who are they,
goddamn it?

It's rowing, Jimmy jam.

Well, Bart-fart,
you got skills in it?

Yeah, I'm captain of the team.

Well, if you can do it,
I can do it, sucker.

That's right, god damn it!

This isn't basketball, j. Rock.

I train all year round for three seasons to
make number one in single sculls.

Well, you're about to be number two,
'cause I'm signing up, buddy.

Well, practice starts tomorrow
at 6:00 A.M., all right?

Fine! I don't mind
cutting my evening short to be there.

As Dean of freshmen, I have welcomed
students from all over the world.

From Korea, from Rome,

Istanbul.

Students enter Harvard
with a variety of goals.

Excuse me.
Are we in the right place?

Anyone? Anyone?

You? You?

As I was saying,

Harvard isn't for everyone.

Oh, shit! We got
a black man for a teacher.

That's what I'm talking about.

- What's up, bro? Holla.
- We straight.

We straight.

- As I was saying...
- What's wrong with his ass?

He's probably been locked up more
times than me and your ass put together.

Old, green jiminy cricket,
suit-wearing ass motherfucker.

Silas: Ghetto!

Old, short Colin Powell-
haircut-having ass motherfucker.

Ghetto!

Little Angela Davis moustache

- wearing ass motherfucker!
- Ghetto!

You ol' Richard pryor shortcut,

fade-happening-
around-the-side wearing fucker!

You little Sammy Davis award junior
afro-haircut-having ass motherfucker!

Ghetto!

Dynamite disco daddy
devastating...

Ghetto!

Don Cornelius-with-a-haircut...

Gentlemen!

If you don't mind, I'd like you to sit
down. I would like to continue.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Watch your toes.
Watch the corns. Excuse me.

Thank you for your
entertaining anecdotes.

We here at Harvard
are rooted in tradition.

What the fuck is this?

That's toilet water.

It's a part of my pledge.
Do you guys mind?

No, but do you mind
talking that way?

'Cause your breath smells
like straight ass-crack, bro.

Isn't there a hip-hop convention you
two should be at or something?

Silas and Jamal: Ooh!

Shark has fangs!

Word. Hey, go easy on him.

We probably the only blackheads he seen
since he looked in the mirror.

God, can you guys
just show a little respect?

This class is fucking boring.
I'm outta here!

Uh, excuse me.

Did I hear you say something?

With all due respect, suck my dick.

No, sir.
I'm not saying anything. It's these guys.

Jamal: You're an asshole.

Did you call me an asshole?

- No, I said "idiot."
- An idiot?

- No, sir.
- What did you say?

I said that this school
has nice halls.

This is not funny.

You couldn't teach
your way out of kindergarten class, Dean.

I think we've had enough interruptions for
today. I think you should leave!

Sir...

This would
never have happened if I were black.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Better pull back on those pedals, boy.
- Why?

Maximum speed
on campus is 15 mphs.

In mphs"?

Fifty bucks?
Oh, man, I can't pay this.

Well.

This isn't even q real ticket.

It's a student citation.
See, I'm a volunteer.

You need to pay that
by Friday at 5:00...

- That was uncalled for.
- Fat me.

You just earned yourself
another citation.

Fuck off!

Well, well, well.

Look who we have here.

Damn, this bike's phat as hell!

Whoa! Don't touch!

All right, leave the bike alone.

Did you just call me fat?
And what is that stench?

That's my Cologne.
Cannabis for men.

I don't know what that is.
Forewarning, gentlemen.

You better watch your mouths
and your behinds.

See, I'm looking for the ecstasy.
I'm looking for the pot.

Oh, yeah. I'm looking
for those 'shrooms.

Shit, we looking
for that shit, too!

What are you talking about?

Both: Same thing
you talking about.

What are we talking about?

Look, Gerald.
Either you're holding,

or get on your little roadster
and move the fuck on, okay?

It's volunteer officer pickelstine,
and I am watching you.

Oh, I'm watching you
like a hawk.

Like a hawk!

Somebody needs a hug.

Don't worry, baby.
You can suck my dick after class.

Oh! Wow!

Oh, she wants me.
Welcome to lovell house.

You look funky fresh,
and funky fresh

always likes funky fresh women.

"Amir. Professional
student resident advisor for you."

And professional player.
So, what's mine is yours,

and what's yours
I've probably already had.

You, and you, and me,
we're the same: Africa tan.

The original man
was like us, man.

Whatever, nigga.

"I believe in the fly club,
its traditions and its ideals.

“I believe in the..." Excuse me.
Do you have to play that so loud?

I'm trying to study
my pledge book.

This niggaz with attitude.

If you smart, you tell people you love
nwa. They think you cool.

Why you wear smelly eggs?

These eggs are a part of
my pledging.

I am getting thousands
of lifetime connections here.

I'm gonna be a part
of a fraternity.

What's up? What's up?

Oh, god!

One glove, my brothers!

I am tuan, child prodigy.

Well, I'm Jamal, a pothead.

Silas, entrepre-neqro.

Jamal!

- Fresh gear, man!
- You like?

- Yeah!
- I designed it myself. I call it "bufu."

Bufu.

Oh, no. Not you two!

Fake-ass Paul bunyan
plaid-pussy-shirt-wearing man,

I'll fuck your ass up. Shut up.

Okay, but if you two
are our roommates, who's that?

That's I need money! Goddamn!

Okay, but what's his name?

I need money!

Doesn't talk. How come he?

I need money, he's a mute.

When we first hooked up, he wrote
on a slip of paper "ll need money."

I said, "shit! Me, too."

We started making it
together after that.

Where he staying?

Harvard.

Lovell house.
Second floor, right on the couch.

But he's smoking
in our room. That's not legal.

Just be cool and
you might have some fun this semester.

Stupid.

Nwa?

Kid, what do you know
about that?

Yeah, yeah. I love
niggaz with attitude.

Nobody, I repeat, nobody,

drops the n-bomb up in here.

Nobody.

That go for you, too.

Hey, I am down with you, man.

You east coast,
I far east coast.

I'm from Wisconsin.

Yo, fresh and funky.

Dean Cain wants to
see you in his office. Don't be late.

Gentlemen, this institution
has graduated

countless fortune 500 ceo's,
41 nobel laureates, and six presidents.

Jamal: Hey, Dean,

where's all them fly-ass women
the chancellor was talking about?

I mean, so far,
I only seen some stuck-up,

nerdy-ass-looking women
out there.

You were dropping cheetos

on an original 18th-century,
hand-woven tapestry!

You mean, this carpet?

This is out of my
personal collection.

I got this in
my travels to Nepal!

Man, I know the bitch that makes
these rugs. You know wynena.

Yeah, I remember that bitch.

[T means the world to me!

Now, as I was saying, here at
Harvard, we have very high standards.

Any student on a scholarship

must maintain at least
a 2.0 average, or you will be expelled.

It's good to know
we have the support of the faculty, Dean.

And don't you worry.
Me and Jamal here...

We're all about good grades.

Is that right, Mr. king?

Hell, motherfucker...
I mean, yes, sir, Dean Cain, sir.

Now, how is carbon dioxide
changed into oxygen?

Silas: Plants, dick!

God! You guys!

Jamal, Jamal, Jamal.

Sleepyhead, wake up!

I got something for your ass.

Come on, gentlemen! Pick it up,
if you want to be part of this squad!

Taxi!

Whew! What took you guys
so long?

Coach, I have not lost
an oar run in three years.

I'm wondering
if this guy cheated.

Cheated? Man, fuck you!

Why is fucking dick butt-kiss
over here always riding me?

Dick butt-kiss?
Did you hear that, coach? He's cursing!

Bart, I think you better
go open up the boathouse.

- But, coach!
- Bart!

I don't think
you want to see this.

You, here.

Come here. Come here!

Nice comeback on the dick
butt-kiss. I wish I could have said that.

His parents have been driving me crazy,
making my life a misery for years,

but they give lots of money
to the university.

I have to go to those
lousy cocktail parties.

She has lousy perfume,
and he has a lousy toupee.

Anyway, you keep
throwing zingers to this jerk-off,

and you're gonna
make the team, son.

And let that be a lesson to you!
This is the last time!

All right, rookies,
pushups! Get down!

Yo, yo, yo, what's up
with the fast stroll?

Can I holler?

Hi

Professor: The role played

by the African Americans
in the history of this country

has heen largely unnoticed.

Of course, history is the record
of an account of the past,

but the issue here is,
who is recording the account?

If it's snowflake,
whitey, paleface, peckerwoods, cracker.

Well, we got Cleopatra
looking like Elizabeth Taylor,

Jesus looks like a hippie
in a dashiki.

But if it's one of
my proud black people

doing the recording
of the account...

Yo, Silas!

Well, we might have Moses looking
like this fine black man, right here.

But black people
don't get any credit.

I'm sore as a motherfucker, man.

Who invented
the air conditioner? A black man.

What's up, dogs?

Yo, son, I'm sore as a bitch in here, man.
And you know what else?

I'm gonna have to knock
that Bart character the fuck out.

Once again, a black man.

Can't this wait
till after class?

You're supposed to be
in here anyway.

This is black history.

Black history?

It look like all the black students
that was in here are history, nigga.

You telling me to "shh"?
See what I mean?

Fuck history.

Professor: Oh, that's right.

- Fuck history.
- Yeah, fuck history.

Mr. Moses, I expect
you'll be ready for your quiz tomorrow.

Jamal: Quiz, my ass!

A white man teaching black history,
anyway, that's some bullshit.

I'm going to lunch
and take a nice long shit.

That's the kind of attitude
I like to hear. And where are you going?

We didn't land on Plymouth rock.
Plymouth rock landed on us.

Ooh, all right! Malcolm X!

Well, I'm glad someone's appreciating the
knowledge I'm trying to drop on you today.

What about you two? Why don't you
walk out in protest with your brothers?

Walk out on me! What are you doing
sitting there? You look like whitey.

You look like a couple
of goddamn uncle Toms! Walk on out!

That's right,
get up and move! You should lynch me!

Lynch me, lynch me for what my people
have done to your people.

"Stand up for your rights!”
move on up! Move on up!

Go, go, go.

Hey, what's up?

Stop!

Hey, what's going on here?

He stole my baby! Stop!

Bring my baby back!

Not my baby! Oh, god!

Oh, please, god!

Oh, my god! My wheels!

Oh, my horn! Please, don't back up!
Please, don't back up!

Hey, you! Where's elm and third?

What?

Not forward!

That's not yours!

Look at these, bro!

No, don't put them in...
Oh, my baby!

Can anyone tell me
the name of this plant? Bart?

Oh, yeah.
It's a hanging rubber plant.

It's indigenous to the wet drylands
of the northern hemisphere.

Yeah, right, Bart.
Would you bet money on that?

Or is that below
the "dooster principle"?

Yeah, I'll bet on it.
How about an SUV? I got three of them.

And the survey says, "you lose."

It's a neem plant, professor.

Oui, it is, but how did you know that,
Silas?

I had this nasty-ass rash once.

Put a little neem plant on it,
cleared it up in an hour.

I even smoked it before.

Well, that figures.

One thing it doesn't
cure, though, being a spoiled little bitch.

Professor: I'd like you all to
do an experiment on a plant,

something that may
benefit mankind.

If you devise
something groundbreaking,

I guarantee you
an "a" in this course.

Class dismissed.

- Good work, everyone.
- Thank you.

Keep up the good work.

Lauren:
So he likes plants, does he?

I see still waters run deep.

Please believe.

But wait till you
see my presentation.

You're gonna love me after that.

50, Lauren, you might
as well tell him now and get it over with.

What?

You know. How you said
you're starting

to see Bart for
the shallow bastard that he is

and, eventually,
you're gonna leave his ass for me.

Holler.

This semester
in women's studies, we will discuss

how women are objectified
in popular culture,

while the masculine bastards
exploit women's ideas for great profit,

then take all the credit. Jamal!

You have the most amazing

penis.

Yes, I do.

Hell, yeah.

So, you're playing
grabby-ass again, huh?

Ma!

Did you wash your ass today?

Damn, ma! Stop, ma!

Silas: You high yet?

Jamal: I don't know, man.
Maybe not high enough.

Where the hell is he?

Maybe I didn't
hit it hard enough.

What are you doing in there?
Dropping your kids off at the pool?

Oh, shit.

Hey, what's up, j? Give me five.

Yo, I hate it when you do that.

I love that funny shit.

What took you so long, man?

Biggie and 'pac,
they throwing a party.

Open bar all night, man.
Everything was cool, man,

till Marvin gaye
came in there tripping.

- Marvin gaye?
- Yeah.

Listen, man, we got a test
in about five minutes.

Word.

What's that got to do with me, baby? I know
you're ready, I know you studied for it.

Ready? We ain't studied...

Come on.

You have a golden
opportunity here

to make something of yourself,
and you throwing it away?

It's time for you
to learn a lesson, dog.

Come on, ive.

- I'm out, man.
- Lvel!

- Don't play!
- Yo, talk to your boy, man.

Why you wanna tell him
we ain't studied for the test?

Damn all that!

Jamal: You should've
thought about all that...

What's up!

I was just fucking
with you, man.

Come on, son.

This is some good shit.

You know you my boy, man.

"Gc," Silas.
Come on, man. The Portuguese.

1863. That's "b."

J, what are you doing? 1961.

Jamal: "B"?

Trust me. I got all the answers.

You just told me that answer.

"A," French.
Definitely the French.

Goddamn virgins.
At least y'all being entertained.

I ain't seen a stitch of pussy
on this whole campus.

The chickens are not
clucking around here.

You've come to the right place.

I've been an undergrad
for 12 years.

I know everything
there is to know about Ivy league women.

Twelve years? Damn, kid.

Your people paying
for all this shit?

Hooking up with Harvard women.

Short ones, tall ones,
skinny ones, chunky ones.

Man, I'd love me a fat chick,
man. More cushion for the pushing.

Yes. I want "to boldly go
where no man has gone before."

I am an explorer.

I see you are very much
liking to explore stds, also, my friend.

That shit on your lip,
got some shit on its lip, dog.

Is that why no puff-puff?
Pass the dutchy, my friends.

This is nothing!
I cut myself shaving.

Yeah, whatever.

We need to start
importing some hos.

Woman: Molly, get in here!
You have to see this!

Oh, my!

Look at those muscles!

He is quite attractive.

Molly: Indeed.

I think there's some freak
in those geeks.

- Yeah!
- Here you qo.

Ooh!

Don't get the wrong idea.
We've never done anything like this before.

We're virgins.

Virgins? No, you're not.

Yes, we are.

Silas and Jamal: No, no, no.

Girls: Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes!

Man: Hey, bro, you got change
for a twenty?

History!

Got an "a plus,” my nigga.

Who is that?

That is all me, g.

That's the vice president's
daughter,

as in vice president
of the United States.

What? Jamal, you don't want that.
Them girls only know three words,

stop, no and don't.

Uh-uh, my brother.
You got those words backwards.

They always tell me,
“no, don't stop!"

Excuse me.

Player, player.

I'm about to tear
this ass up right here.

Sorry, sir. Jamie's not
accepting any male callers at this time.

Man, I ain't calling.
['M right here.

Cedric, step aside.

Whoo-wee!

What's your name?

I'm Jamal.

You ever been arrested, Jamal?

Uh... no.

Ever busted up your mother's house and then
slapped her when she asked you about it?

Hell, no! You crazy?

You ain't my type.

Wait a minute!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I once got arrested
for stealing a car one time,

but my mother
dropped the charges.

Well, it's not a felony,
but maybe we can work with that.

Yo!

- I didn't mean to scare you.
- Um...

Canlcomein?

Sure, come on in.

Move my things.
There you go. You can sit there.

Thank you. How very thoughtful.

You'll have to pardon my desk.

I've got a lot of
artifacts and delicate things down here.

What's this shit? Looks old.

Oh, it is old.

It's over 200 years old.

I sort of discovered it.

You discovered
all this crazy shit.

You're a straight-up
genius, girl.

Well, I don't know
about all that.

I do know it's Ben Franklin's.
[ Just don't know what it is.

But I was thinking that
it could be this old revolutionary Cannon,

or a telescope, or...

Whatever it is,
this shit is hot.

Let me ask you something.

Yeah.

How'd you hook up
with that Bart dude?

I've known Bart all my life,

and if it weren't for his family,
I probably wouldn't be here.

Isn't that sweet?

Look, you got
a little something on your dress.

My eyes.

Ahal

Bart, honey, sweetie,
you are just in time,

because I've just
finished studying.

Studying? “Yeah.

I didn't know the two of you
were studying in here,

alone, with the lights dimmed,
drinking beer!

Look Silas, I know what you're trying to
do, okay? You're trying to "frick" her!

Whatever, Bart-kowski. Listen, I was
just admiring your girl's thing.

Oh, well, I guess
I should say thanks.

This is a part of history, man.

Your girl is doing something
I think you need to recognize.

Yeah? So?

Listen, I'm out.

Maybe next time
I'll get to study with you. Peace.

"Peace" is meant to explain
a state of tranquility.

S50 why don't you try thinking
of another way to say goodbye now that

you're amongst civilized people?

Well, Mr. civilized,
"peace" can also be used interjectionally

as a request,
greeting or farewell.

So try to find another way
to be an asshole,

if you don't know
your grammar, that is.

Peace.

Okay, Bart.

God! Can I get my stuff?

Sheesh.

Silas: Yes.

It was near the medical library.

I think they said
it was one of those tick-tocky, blow-uppy,

exploding-thingy,
pipe bomb thing-things.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. You, too.

All righty. Bye.

Silas:
"Dooster principle," my ass.

Jamal: Man, my grandmother
would love this shit in her garden.

Outta here.

Silas: Locked on, boys.

Yee-hah!

Silas: Timber!

That statue was priceless.
It means everything to our family.

Will you stop
your damn sniveling, son?

Buck up, Bart! Buck up!

Yo. Do you think they gonna find
out we stole the dooster statue?

Silas: Hell, no.

Oh, my god! I knew it.

You guys stole the dooster!

They do what?

Fellas, it's time
we all sat down and kicked it.

No, no, no.
I'm not kicking anything.

I have a pledge meeting to go to
and I still haven't greased myself up.

God, I just don't get you guys.

There's a lot of
things in life your ass just don't get.

Yeah, like pussy and respect.

I heard that.

See, the system is geared to put most
of the wealth into the hands of a few.

Rich weapons, poor schooling.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Yeah, for sure.

Y'all don't know shit. I'm gonna
learns you, though. I'm gonna learns you.

Dwarves, midgets,
motherfucking unicorns.

Motherfuckers
don't want to see a black man make it.

- Yeah.
- Know what I mean?

For sure.

I'll tell you something else.

For sure.

Word up, young mc. You're just in
time to help cheer us to victory.

Young mc!

Bart, you know, I think you keep getting
funnier every day.

You ain't gonna be laughing
in a minute, motherfucker.

Bart, I've decided since
you and Jamal are my two best athletes,

I want you up against Yale.

You can't just change
the line-up! That's against the rules!

What rules? Who cares?
Do you guys care about the rules?

- All: No.
- There you go.

Announcer:
In the far Lane, we have Yale.

In the near Lane,
we have Harvard.

On your Mark, get set,

and they're off!
It's a clean start.

What are you doing,
hip-hop hooray? Paddle!

Paddle like a man!
Shoot the j! Get jiggy with it. Something.

They're blowing Harvard's ass
out of the water.

Jamal, what is your ass doing rowing a
boat? You supposed to be in class.

Who the hell is
that woman in the sky?

I don't know.

What's the matter?
You been smoking too much ganja, huh?

Bart: She's huge!

Well, I guess you might as well
come back home and live with me.

Oh, hell, no!

Did you cuss at me?

Row, motherfucker, row!

Yes, Dean Cain.
Am I to believe this is correct?

Jamal and Silas
have gotten all "a's"?

I'll call you hack.

How you doing, Dean?
How you doing? How you been?

I see you're
checking out my gear, eh?

Pretty tight, right?

No, actually, it's rather baggy.

No, man.
It's phat, dope, cool. It's bufu, man.

Bill, what has happened to you?

Sit down and take off
those glasses.

All righty.

Tell me, how is Jamal doing?

Oh, fine, very well.
Yeah, he's coming along.

Now listen, Jamie's father
is having an upcoming election,

and it won't look good if she was to be
involved with someone from the lower class.

Isn't Jamie a freshman?

All right, so you want me to tell Jamal
to stop seeing Jamie?

I could do that,
but he'll just tell me, “hey, man..."

Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck you!

Point well taken.
I need you to help me get proof

that Jamal is diddling Jamie.

Oh, I see now, yes.
[T's all good, yeah.

I'll go holler at him, son.
Oh, yeah.

Bill, did you
just call me "son"?

Word.

"Word"?

Jamal: Stroke, smoke.

Stroke, smoke.

- Bill: Good.
- Stroke, smoke.

Stroke, smoke. Stroke, smoke.

If Dean Cain think
he can kick me out the school that easy,

he got another thing coming.

What an asshole.

Hey coach, thanks a lot, man.
I owe you.

Jamie: Ooh!

Listen, Jamie.
Me and you cannot see each other no more.

No more dating,
no more fooling around.

None of that. Stop. That's it.

Yes, it's probably
better if we stop seeing each other,

for the sake of
my father's campaign.

If he lost the election
and it was my fault,

gosh, golly, that would
be so hard on me.

I don't think
I could live with myself.

Look, baby, maybe it would be better
if you went to school somewhere down south.

[ Think you should go
down south first!

This guy's a real asshole.

Jeffrey: I can't.
I can't do it, all right?

Will you bring your ass on! We've got
work to do before Dean dickhead gets back.

- Mean!
- Silas: Come on!

Aren't you worried
about getting kicked out?

For this?
He ain't gonna never find out. Relax.

What happen to bird?
Crazy shitting everywhere?

Crazy shit, all right,
and it will be everywhere.

With that, they just won't shit.

Yeah.

They're gonna blow up.

And, as for you two,

ever since you arrived on this campus,
there's been several mishaps.

Now, my instincts tell me it's you,
but I can't prove it. Not yet.

But I know if I give you enough time,
pretty soon you're going to slip up

and then I'll be able to send you back
to your miserable existence.

What the hell are you wearing?

Bufu!

Bufu?

"By us, fuck you!"

Get out! Out! Out, out, out!

"By us, fuck you."

Jamal: If the chancellor's
throwing a Halloween party,

wait ill Harvard see
our Halloween party!

Silas: Yeah, but if Dean Cain
find out about this shit,

he gonna be mad
as a motherfucker.

What the fuck
is he gonna do? We've got the ivory

making straight "a's."

We've got this
motherfucker locked.

They look like they got money.
Oh, he kinda cute.

Girl, we gonna get paid!

How you doing?

For real!

End table ass!

Hella back!

Where the party at?
We're trying to get a party on.

We having a party.
Costume party at the lovell house.

11:00 P.M.

Please bring your ass
and titties along with you.

- Wait a minute, did you just call us hos?
- 0h, no, uh-uh.

I meant that in a good way.

Okay.

Bring all your horny friends.
There you go. Just bring all the hos.

Y'all gonna pay us, right?

I don't hear nothing.

Yeah, we got dough.

We got dough.
If not, our best friends got dough.

And if not,
their best friends got dough.

Yeah, we gonna come.

Ballers and stuff
gonna be there?

Ass, titties, ballers.
Come on, girl!

We gonna be there.

All right!

Popcorn player.

Silas: I got one more
delivery to make.

Guess who used to be black?

Dean Cain. But he is black.

Like a polar bear,
but I got a recipe

that'll inject
some ghetto back in his ass.

Got some more beer.

What did you do to yourself?

Oh, the fox club.

They put me in a shopping cart
and shoved me down a hill.

Thank god I fell out
before I hit the freeway.

What the fuck are you doing?

Put the milk back!
You're not supposed to steal from us!

Why are you always taking
violent tones with people?

Man, shut up before
I kick your ass.

As human beings,

we should be able
to talk this out, not resort to violence.

How you gonna talk
when you shutting up?

Fine! Fine!

You want some violence?
You want a piece of this?

Come on!
I'll show you some violence! Come on!

Oh, god!

Now go to time out.
Go to your room.

I wonder who this could be.

Oh, my goodness.
Honey, look at this.

I wonder who these are from.

"Dear Carl,
saw these and thought of you.

"Love, Mrs. ray."

It's my old schoolmarm!

I haven't heard
from her in years!

Oh, how sweet.

She knows I love brownies.

A little piece of heaven.

Better than mine?

Darling, I don't remember
you cooking brownies.

You're right, I don't, I don't.

Hurry up, darling. You're going to make
us late, and you know I hate to be late.

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

All right.
I'll take these upstairs.

I'll have another one.
They're great.

Throw me a beer, you big weenie!

Lovell house!

Cypress hill. What up, fellas?

What's up?

- How was the trip?
- Good. Good.

I see muggs couldn't make it,
so I brought my man I need money.

Is he any good?

He don't talk.
He speaks with his hands.

Right, right.

- You have a good show. I'm out.
- Thank you, brother. Peace.

Hey, hey. Hey.

Don't fuck up tonight,
all right?

What the fuck
is the plate for, man?

Gonna be a long night.

- Carl.
- Philip.

- How are you?
- Wonderful.

You know Ms. janowitz,
from the chemistry department.

Ms. lovell, from administration.

And of course
you know my wife Sheila.

I almost didn't recognize you. I thought you'd
brought a professional model to the party.

You look lovely.

Oh, Philip.

Yeah, the bitch
is fine, isn't she?

What?

Dear, can you at least feign some interest?
You're embarrassing me.

And will you loosen up?
You're so stiff sometimes.

Stiff?

Bart, this party is stiff.
Excuse me, can you hold this? I'm hot.

Can you put this back on,
actually? Your butt is sticking out.

What?

What a jerk!

Huntley: Don't spoil your appetite, Dean.
We're about to have lobster bisque

and Indian pudding
that doesn't stop.

I got the munchies
like a motherfucker. Hold this, baby.

He seems unusual tonight.

He's dehydrated.

Dance!

Yo, baby, this is boring as hell!
Yo, yo, yo, yo, deejay!

Hit me!

I told you I had you covered.
There go the two big ballers right there.

You two stay put.

Jeffrey: I'm gonna hurt you!

Yo, j. Yo, t.

See those two
fine-ass hos right there?

Don't you wish they were really hos and
they came over here and said,

"we want to run
a dick-sucking marathon with y'all two"?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Me, too!

Okay. You and you.

We want to run
a dick-suckin' marathon with y'all.

Okay.

I'm not that good at it.

Baby, I ain't laughing.
I'm gonna make you mine.

Smells good.

Pretty boy-looking motherfucker.

Hey, don't be scared.
[T's only pussy.

Don't be scared.

I got two inches of hard dick!

I'll work with you, baby.
Come on.

Powder: "Costume party.
Place: Lovell house. Time: Friday."

It is Friday.

But that's what
she told cocoa butter.

Now these bitches better be
out here getting my money.

Hella back is my bottom bitch.

You know that, right?

Right. Powder.

Bitch better be out here
checking my motherfucking money.

Don't cuss
when I'm trying to listen to the word.

The lord don't like that.

What did I say?

You said "bitch,"
and "bitch" ain't in the Bible.

I know, bitch.
Neither is "motherfucker."

So drive this motherfucking car!

And you an assistant pimp.
You ain't even a real pimp.

So you supposed to be cosigning
to the shit that I say.

You wanna lose your job?
I will pull your motherfucking application.

Now let's practice it.
Where's my bitches?

Where's my bitches?

- Where's my bitches?
- Where's my bitches?

You gotta say it together.
It goes in together.

Where's my bitches?

Okay, check this out.
Where's my bitches?

Can't you just say employees?

What about your employees?
No, fuck that!

Great ass!

Crowd: Go! Go! Go!

- Silas, hi.
- Hey, hey.

Let me ask you a question.
Don't laugh, but...

Does my ass look fat?

No. I say, put another one on the front
of you just like it,

I'll slap both them
motherfuckers.

Here. Peer pressure,
deer pressure, peer pressure...

Come on. Let me holler at you.

Okay.

Oh, that's my song!

What's this?

You got a big sword, baby!

I have to go prepare.

You ain't got to do shit, baby,

except climb out of this costume

and climb into some pussy, baby.

You have to appreciate
the colorful use of english language.

Give me that
Chinese egg roll fuck!

I love americal

Let it be something
he is involved in,

and I better be
the biggest cheerleader.

He's a huge baby!

I hear you with your fine ass.

But pass the blunt, boo!
Damn, you hogging the whole shit!

I'm sorry.

I must be buzzed. I'm babbling.

You know,
you surprised me by getting high.

I'm not that much
of a square, Silas.

I did do it once in high school.

What about you?
We all have secrets.

Well, if you act right,
I might just let you in my head one day.

Whatever.

But I ain't saying shit
on the first date.

Who said this was a date?

You smoked my weed, didn't you?
And we almost kissed, didn't we?

- We did not.
- Yes, we did.

- We did not.
- Here, hit this.

My bad.

Did I spoil the moment?
[ Can't help it, though.

You know what?

Them shits was talking to me.

Oh, my god, look at them.
Turn the headlights off!

I'm gonna tell you something.

This pimping that I got in my blood,
it came from a family tree.

My granddaddy was a pimp.

My great-great-
great-granddaddy was a pimp.

I'm talking about pimping been since
pimping since been pimping...

It's in your bloodline.

It's in my blood
and you'll never be that.

- Why?
- Because you was born,

all the people
in your family were assistant pimps.

You's a pimp.
I never deny you that.

I thought you was
the one the lord chose.

If it hadn't been for the lord,

I wouldn't have not had
not a bitch come into my life.

- Not had not a?
- Not had not a bitch!

Nobody say "not had not a”
like you say "not had not a."

Not had not a bitch.

I still don't know
what that shit means, but it sounds good!

"Not had not a" means
"don't get a not nothing."

Now nothing?

A now nothing out of them.

Bitch, shut up and
drive this fucking car.

Raging party
with open beer cans in hallway.

What's this?

Sterilize hands tonight. Sterilize hands
tonight with antibacterial cream many times.

What do we have here?

Nothing.

Ahal

multi-socket extension cubes.

This is against
campus fire code, section 1743,

“thou shalt not allow multi-socket
extension cubes in dorm rooms."

The extension cords themselves are
intertwined in the most flammable of ways,

and they are producing
an immense amount of heat.

They could cause an ignition
at any point and...

Well, I'll be damned.
What is that?

It's just a baby.

This ain't no damn baby. What kind of shit
is that hanging out the back?

I need to get her home.
Excuse me.

- Where you going with that?
- Come on.

Where them motherfucking
hitches at?

Look at that
little bitty bitch. Look.

Hey, little bitty bitch.

You little bitch, you better get off of me.
Where's my bitches?

Yo, what's up, homey?

- Where my bitches at?
- Where are our bitches?

You got the voice down,
but those outfits no good.

What's wrong with my shit?

Homey, please.

Your Halloween costume.
If you pimp, you broke pimp.

You know you're
fucked up, Woody.

Come on with it.

Baby powder?

What smell that is?

You changing diapers?

What the fuck is all this?

What y'all three bitches want?

Tell them, powder!

We already got pussy here.
Y'all come back later.

I'm about to
knock you the fuck out.

I'm gonna do the knocking out.

Come on with it.

Where you going? You gotta stay.

A party ain't
a party without you.

Damn, you smelly little fucker!

Plus, there's no room
in the limo!

I'll be back for you, man.

You ain't gonna need that.

Cops!

Somebody owes me for one night's worth
of flat-back fucking up in here!

Whoa

this is exhilarating.
But don't get the wrong idea.

Megan and I have never done
anything like this before.

- We're virgins.
- Yeah, both of us.

Molly and I
are really into d'Angelo. Do you have any?

Ain't that a...
Hell, no, we ain't got no...

And let me let you know something.

While you're sitting in this car,
you don't run shit.

Tell them, powder.

Dick drives this car, not pussy.

You think it's funny, bitch?

This is pimping here.
I been on wheel of fortune, price is right.

Bitch, come on with it.

You'd rather piss off
a barracuda than piss off powder.

That's funny? Keep on laughing.
Bring your face over here.

Play that shit!

Wow.

Jamal: Man, come on. You act like I
took it. We'll just get some more.

Man, ain't no more. All of ivory's
ashes was in just that plant.

Now come on, let's go see
what this Dean stick-up-his-ass wants.

He probably gonna
curse us out about that wild-ass party.

Man, that party
was not that wild.

Yeah, it did get
1 little out of hand.

See what I'm saying?

Sex novelties,
obscenity, fighting,

indecent exposure,

rock bands, without a permit.

Welcome, gentlemen,
to academic probation.

Damn, who gonna be our po?

How charmingly ghetto.

You're dismissed.

We ain't got no ivory,

we're about to get kicked
the fuck out of here,

and what the fuck are you doing?

Oh, I'm working on
my truth serum.

Why you gotta sound all
belligerent about my shit anyway?

Belligerent?

Yeah, belligerent.

As in abusive or truculent.

Yo, you keep on using
them big-ass Harvard words

and your ghetto pass
is gonna get revoked, buddy.

Why don't you go pick up
a book or something?

If I get this shit right,
I get an "a" in botany class.

Motherfucker.

When I was 12,
I used to love watching my dogs hump.

We used to have a good time.

What the fuck is that?

I'm gonna have to
tweak this shit a little.

Me hungry.

Go to that graveyard,
find us a smart dead guy,

and smoke his skeleton ass.

We sit down, Blaze up,

hit the books
for a few hours a day, we got this.

I'm telling you.
We don't need no smart dead guy.

That's what I'm talking about.

Light that shit up.

Hit them books!

Jamal: These are our midterms?

Silas:
See what I'm saying? All "f's," son.

We are fucked.
Fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked!

How did I fail
women's studies? I love bitches!

What are we doing?

Looking for a smart dead guy.

Guys, hey!
This guy'll do. He's a president.

Yeah, he should know
all the fucking answers.

Answers?
What are you talking about?

Wait, no, no, no! You can't
dig up somebody's grave! That's disgusting!

You guys don't think
that there's anything wrong with this?

You guys are fucked up!
What are you gonna do with this now?

Shit!

Silas: Stop acting
like a little bitch! Get the body.

What the fuck are you doing?

Get the body.

You should have some more respect
for an ex-president, asshole.

Come on.
Put this shit on your back.

Oh. God! No!

Shut up before
I smack the shit out of you.

Come on, come on.

Oh, my god. It's so good.

Fly!

Yo, Silas. What's up, dog?

Who are you? Do you see me?

Relax, relax!

Open, window! Open, window!

Yo, what the fuck
are we gonna do now?

Fuck you think we gonna do?
We gonna smoke his ass,

then we gonna start
asking questions.

Wait a minute.

Didn't you put the ashes
in the soil before you grew the plant?

We ain't got no time
for that shit, all right?

We gotta grind him now.
Get this arm.

No.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

This is
a motherfucking president, man.

What the fuck are we doing?

You want to stay
in Harvard, or what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

I need money, did you check him

for any jewelry, or
money on him, or anything?

Fuck all that, man.
Listen, I'm cutting this arm now.

Get the arm! Get the arm, man.

Y'all calm down!
We got this. Calm down.

Jeffrey: This is insane.

You're a nasty motherfucker!

I can't smoke a finger!

This shit's not working.

What up, bro?

I didn't know
that you guys were gonna be here.

I saved your plant.

What did you do to it?
This is a special plant.

I know.

You stole our plant!

Damn right he stole your plant.

Yo, Silas, this idiot
smoked up all the plant.

You're gonna have to study
on your own.

Damn, they can't hear me
or see me. Tell them!

Well, you know,
someone else was breaking in here.

S50 I caught them. You can give me a
reward, like more of the plant.

Man, we ain't got
no more goddamn plant!

Hogging all the good shit.
Okay, that's fine! Let's go, ivory.

Wait. Ivory here?

Yeah, maybe.

- Ivory: Repeat after me.
- Repeat after me.

- Yo, dog.
- Yo, z0q.

You idiot. You idiot!

- I'm disappearing.
- I'm disappearing.

- What?
- What?

What?

This reminds me
of my lab back at the crib.

I have some of the same stuff.

How'd you get that?

I stole it.

Just place them
on the wall there.

Well, well, well.

Never thought I'd find
you two ghetto asses up in here studying.

"Ghetto asses"?

Oh, did I say that?

Oh, it must be the effects
of the brownies you sent me.

They must still be in my system.

Lauren.

How's the project coming?

Fine. As a matter of fact,
I'm going to check on that right now.

I got to go.

Yo, Dean.
Why you gotta be a hater?

Oh, yes. I'm a hater.
I hate pot-smoking punks

that think that everything
should just be given to them.

You two are an absolute disgrace
to this university.

Yo, Dean, man, what are those?

0h, these? These are
invitations to the alumni celebration,

in which the vice president
will be attending.

And Lauren will be unveiling
her Benjamin Franklin experiment.

Certain students will be invited,
those that pass their finals.

For real?

Dean Cain: But you won't
pass your finals.

You'll fail and then I'll have you
out of my hair and out of Harvard.

Happy studying, gentlemen.

Fuck!

I'm trying to do my thing.
It's pimping over here, baby.

Baby powder, when you gonna
pay us our money?

I got a $25 money order...

- $257?
- Money order?

That you bitches can split.

Both: Who you calling
a bitch, bitch?

- Come on with it.
- I got you.

If it ain't "rice puff daddy."

No, powder. That's "run msg."

Hey, what you
listening to, brother?

Wu-tang.

"Wu-tang! Wu-tang!
I came to bring the pain!

"Hardcore to the pain!”

We don't listen
to that Chinese shit. We do this.

You guys!

You need to sit down.

I'll round them motherfucking almond
eyes of yours out, you understand me?

Hold on, powder.
Let's not get ignorant.

Maybe he just came here
to pay our money.

No, actually,
I come for your girls.

Actually, you gonna come back and give me
them two duck sauces your mama...

Let me get my switchblade out.
Let me get my blade.

Ooh, shit!

Come on, hitch.

Man, it was two egg rolls,
it wasn't duck sauce.

Who the bitch now, bitch?

Bitch!

I need to slap
my goddamn self for that.

Pimps go through
this kind of shit from time to time.

Yes, Dean Cain here.

Yes, I did receive them.

As a matter of fact, I was just
going over Silas and Jamal's grades

and I see they're all "f's."

Yes. I agree.

Very sad. Very sad, indeed.

Yes. Well, I'll speak to
you later.

Bye-bye.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Dean Cain
expects us off campus by Monday.

It went that bad
in botany class?

Kid lost about
15 pounds of fluid.

And that was just
from the mouth. And I'm still below a 2.0.

Man, we gonna get
kicked the fuck out this school.

Maybe I can go back
to being your manager

and you strip
at that club again like you used to.

Jeffrey: No, you can't give up.

You can't let the Dean win.

Did commander riker give up

when the borg
infiltrated the starship enterprise

and captain picard
came back all half-robot?

The borgs? They're here!

My point is...

My point is shut the fuck up!

It's over.

And we out of here.
Wash my hands.

Silas, man, you can't give up.

If you get this botany
grade changed, they have to keep you.

Yeah, my truth serum.

I gotta fix it. Yo!

That's right.

Here's your coffee.

Ah, Bart. Nice to see you.

Listen, I think
I have a solution to your little problem.

Oh, no. I already got
the prescription filled. Zing!

Not that problem.
I'm talking about the boys.

Those rejects
have been rejected.

Yo, Dean Cain, look who's back!

Holler.

Dean, what a surprise.
Look who's here.

Dean Cain: How exciting.

Guys, we weren't expecting you,
but you're right on time.

Let's go meet
the next likely leader of the free world.

What are you two doing here?

Couldn't have my future ex-wife
show up to some big-wig event

without her daddy on her arm.

Ain't that right, baby?

Right, daddy.

Old friends, fellow alums,

it's wonderful being back
here at Harvard,

where I get to see
my beautiful daughter.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, daddy. Daddy?

This is Jamal.
Jamal, this is my dad.

Hi. Hello, Jamal.

Mr. president.

I call you Mr. president because I know
you're gonna rock this election.

I hope you're right, son.
Uh-oh. Camera.

All right, ivory.
This is the last of you. Do your stuff.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, professor!
What's going on?

Nice to see you again.

Listen, tonight I got a feeling
you're gonna see my experiment work.

I hope we don't have to
pass out any barf bags.

Don't even worry about that.
I found my secret ingredient.

By adding a little bit of...
Cannabis,

I was able to
counteract the nausea.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, professor.
Thank you, man.

I actually feel wonderful.

Isn't he great, daddy?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- He's great.
- He's great.

Good service.

Oh, Jamie! Here's your dad
after a frat party.

Huntley: We don't want
the Dean to get his panties in a bunch.

He might want a spanking!

Sit down.

Wait a minute.
I know you two ain't here playing grab ass

while I'm entertaining
my future vanilla-villa father, are you?

- 0h, yeah.
- Yeah.

Look! The serum working, man.
They high, dog. Look!

I got something to tell you.
Man, I been pinching your weed off.

- What you telling me for?
- Damn.

I don't know.
I guess it's that new serum, man.

- I'm sorry, man.
- It's okay. Don't even worry about it.

No, it ain't all right, man. I been taking
your cds. I been using your weed pipes.

I even been looking
at Lauren's ass a couple of times, man.

She's fine!

And if she gave me the chance, I'd wax that
ass till she show me what...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Jamal, I'll take that
as a compliment.

Thank you.

We all know that Harvard
has been honored to host

some of Benjamin Franklin's
artifacts, which I personally found,

like this Cannon-like
article back here.

Now, later, you can take note
of the foot-operated carburetor,

the reservoir,
and the top-loading bud bowl.

Ladies and gentlemen, Harvard is now the
proud owner of America's first

bong!

Dean Cain: A bong?

This is outrageous!

If Benjamin Franklin
were here today,

he would deny and denounce any
claim to these so-called findings.

I'm gonna have to
disagree on that.

Yo, Ben, tell this fool.
Is that a bong or what?

Yep. It's the
Liberty bong. Light that shit.

Both: Smoke that shit,
pass that shit.

Yo, you gotta come to
this party, Ben.

Come on, man. Smoke.

Gerald!

Oh, yeah!

This is insane!

What are you all laughing at?

Dean, I have had it
with your uptight,

self-serving,
over-opinionated ass!

Silas: Ghetto!

In short, you are fired!

Oh, hit the bricks, dog!

The big payback!

Silas. Yo, dog, man. Jamal.

Look like you did it, dog.
You got a new serum, man.

You gonna be
an herbal scientist, my brother.

Me and you turned this place
upside down, didn't we?

Did we!

Amazing what two brothers from the pj can
do with just a bit of opportunity.

Word. Holler at you, dog.

I will, man.

Secret service!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Dean, Dean, Dean.

Ease up on
the black-on-black crime, bro.

This motherfucker
done messed up my shit!

Back up! Back up!
You better give me three feet!

Get up.

Cool.

Take him away, boys.

Take your hands off of me!
Do you realize who I am?

What are you looking at?

I need money! You talk!

Why, yes, Jamal.
It is somewhat of a surprise to me, also.

Lord, it's a gift! It's a gift from
above! Make you float like a dove!

Make you scream like Michael
in a rhinestone glove. Lord, lord, lord.

- Popcorn player.
- Popcorn player.

I didn't inhale!

God, this is
the wildest time I've ever had.

You won't mind that
I'm banging your daughter on the regular?

No, no! Not at all.

Good, because Jamal's
gonna be my baby daddy.

Son, welcome to the family.

Daddy!

Silas, your experiment
was a success.

Your serum worked and
you're going to get an "a" in my course.

So that means I get to stay?

You betchal

right, ladies?

Shall we, ladies?

Bart: Hey, down here!
This is not happening!

Lauren, you are coming with me!

Honey, you have
never satisfied me.

Huh?

Silas?

But I can.

The day you lay off
is the day you pay off.

We come in here to get our old bitches,
but if they ain't in here

we gonna get those intellect bitches
and start our own new stable. Feel me?

Just keep it pimpalicious.
Keep it pimpalicious!

Powder, what are you doing here?

What are you doing in here?

I've been rolling
this joint for 20 years.

But if these people knew
I was using your dial-a-ho service,

they might not understand.

You're one of my biggest customers.
You like them hand-jobs,

fat bitches pissing
on you all the time.

I like the ladies.

Licking poodle feet and shit.

Stop it right there.
Have you ever been to college?

Yeah, two years pussyology.

Academia. I like it.

Give me a call next week.
I think we can work something out.

Today's class is called
pimpology I and ii. I'm one, that's two.

That's what your ass
will be if you don't pass this class.

It got to come out right!
And if it don't come out right,

you ain't gonna get
to pimp tonight!

Where my hitches?

Students: Where my bitches?

Come on with it,

and let it fly!

Not yourselves!

Shit!

That was deep! That was deep.

Man: And b-cam roll.

Woman: "B" marker.

Cut!

And another thing,
I forgot my motherfucking line!

Yo, stop doing that shit, dog.
You can't be laughing at me, man.

Fuck my close-up up, nigger.

They know
we stole the... what is that?

I knew it.
You guys and your lies.

Method man:
Can I get some pussy?

Sure. Come on in.

I told you
we should have went to ucla.

You know damn well,

I'm about to go
stick my dick in a thermos or something.

Puffs for purgatory
for everybody. Line them up!

Puffs for purgatory, baby!

Puffs for purgatory.

See each other no more.
I mean, the fucking around...

Ah, shit!

I pledge allegiance
to the pimp of the united pimps of America.

Come on, you fuckers!
Call action!

I don't give a fuck
if it breaks! You hear me? God damn it!

Turn that goddamn water off!

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Cut!

The movie's over!

Go home!

Why don't y'all wanna leave?