All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything S02E06 Fairness 1080p NF WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-DJSF_track3_[eng]

[Felix] Mom, you promised
chocolate milk with lunch.

-What? No, I didn't.
-[Viv] That's a chocolate lie.

[Astrid] Uh, okay, easy
with the accusations.

It wasn't a lie.

I might have mentioned it
in passing.

[Felix] Ooh, I pick the cup.

No fair. You always do.

They're exactly the same.
Just pick one.

But I always choose wrong.

[Astrid] Well then pick
the one you don't want.

It honestly doesn't matter.

Kids have very strong
opinions about fairness.

[James] " They have more."
"I didn't get a turn."

"Somebody keeps eating
my Halloween candy."
It's a constant.

[Astrid] We should really stop
eating their Halloween candy.

[James] Never.
They obsess over who gets what.

Counting and measuring
and calculating.

[Astrid] It's like living with
a tiny emotional scientist.

Hey, Viv's is browner
than mine.

[James] Okay, let me use
my secret magic skills

to create the perfect
chocolate squirt.

Not an appetizing offer.

-You don't like when I say
chocolate squirt?
-No.

Here's a chocolate squirt
for you,

and a chocolate squirt
for you.

-Voila!
-[Both] Yes!

Squirt master out.

[Astrid] You got
to keep things balanced.

I mean, if one kid gets
too much or too little...

[James] It could have massive
consequences later in life.

[Astrid] It's true.
My sister got to go to camp,

which is why I became someone
who hides her car keys.

Those look pretty good.

I might do my own
little chocolate squirt.

-Chocolate squirt!
-Chocolate squirt!

-Chocolate squirt!
-Chocolate squirt!

-Chocolate squirt!
-Chocolate squirt!

I now hate chocolate.

[theme music playing]

Hey, can you grab another one
of these duck cracker things?

I only have one.

Oh, that was the last one.

Uh, maybe open it
and split the contents?

There's like eight
duck crackers in here.

One kid can do without.

Yeah. Okay, James,
you chose which one.

[Viv] Why does Felix
get to play?

Because Felix didn't spend
10 minutes telling me

how his friend's mother
buys better cereal than I do.

Come on, finish up.

No, no, no.
Back on your chair, please.

My chair is too loud.

Can it, Goldilocks.
We're late.

I want a different breakfast.

Viv, every day is
a battle with you.

Honestly, just be more
like your brother.

Uh, can I just tag
in real quick?

-Be my guest.
-[James] Mm-hmm.

Hey, Wonder Girl.

So, you and your brother
are both the same.

Of course, you know,
obviously unique and individual,

but the same in terms of value.

-But--
-I'm full.

Well, full of love
that we have for you

and also for Felix.

-Strong save by me.
-Yeah. You crushed it.

Good morning.

I just saw a dead bird.

-How are you?
-Uh, good.

Uh, Mom, can you help
Viv get dressed?

She's not in a very
proactive mood this morning.

Okay. Uh, yeah.
Just let me get my jacket off.

-Ooh. Let me help you there.
-Thank you.

Are you still gonna watch
the kids after school today?

Uh, yes. I have
to watch Corey, too, but...

what the hell, right?
Throw them on the pile.

Andrew on the top
of the pile, please.

Oh, also, Mom, uh,

Felix needs help with his
math homework again,

and Andrew's cutting a tooth,
so, he might be a little cranky.

-Thank you.
-Okay.

Nice to see you.

Okay.

You're right, I'm gonna split
up these duck crackers.

Yeah. This way they both
get not enough.

Hey. I just want you to know
that I'm gonna start trying
harder at work.

You didn't know about this
meeting until I told you

-about it one second ago
in the lunchroom.
-Starting now.

I did a little research last
night and I got a little
inspired.

Hmm. Did you research how to
stop parking in my parking spot?

No. I was rewatching Mad Men.

I wanna start being more
like those guys.

Oh, no, please don't.
When you watched Deadwood,

you started swearing
all the time

and lost a lot
of money gambling.

Reckon I broke even.

Packaging for Baggies Buys.

Will it seize people
by the eyeballs

or push their faces away?

Which is the one we want?

Oh, no. Please don't.

Ennis, if you've left your car
running again,

just go now.

People don't eat
with their mouths.

They eat with their hearts.

Not true.

Just picture it.

[swallowing noise]

See? It doesn't make any sense.

Even if that did make sense,

your heart would have a mouth,
so it still would be

-eating with your mouth.
-Go on, Ennis.

[marker squeaks]

Real. Food. Real. Families.

Clean the splatter
off the walls

because Ennis
just blew our minds.

[James] Oh, dear God.

[Marla] I see an ad campaign,

not with models,
but with real kids.

You know, plain, unimpressive,
blah, flawed children.

James has two kids
just like that.

I have three kids

who are not like--
they're very impressive.

So, not right for this.

Disagree. James,
I'd like to hire your children.

Oh, I don't think
Astrid's gonna go for that.

Well, if she won't go for it,

make it go for her.

I could tell you're pretending
to hold a cigarette.

-I wasn't.
-Huh?

I wasn't.

[children grunting]

[Nisha] Okay, okay.
Whoa, whoa, who, whoa.

Kids, kids, kids,

Nanima needs
to recharge a moment

so I can attack the monster.

Mommy's here.

Dawn's not back yet?

She's in her room
recentering before,

you know, reengaging.

Hey, kids. Kids.

I hid five huge chocolates
in the basement.

Go, go, go, go, go.

[Viv] Whoever
gets it last loses.

[groaning]

My little secret?

I only hid three chocolates.

It's a fool's errand.

You are so good
at wasting their time.

Thank you so much.

You only have
so much bandwidth,

and raising kids
takes up a lot.

Single parents
are literally heroes.

[James] If you're lucky, there
is a partner sharing a load

and there's some bandwidth
for hanging out

and, you know,
watching The Bachelor.

[Astrid]
And if there's a grandparent

or a cool auntie helping, wow,
you might even have time

to read a book or stare
at your phone for an hour.

Dawn is unbelievable.

She knew that
you were helping us

and she swoops in
and has you come to her place?

Actually, that was my idea.

They have more food and space
and every streaming channel.

So the kids were just
watching TV?

Well, would it be
healthier if I let them

beat me over the head
for an hour and a half?

An hour and a half of TV?

[Astrid] Oh, look who's emerged
from her Zen Palace.

Hardly. Mom, I asked you
to take the kids outside.

I could barely hear
my own mantra.

You know what? It sounds
like I'm not quite working out

as a full-time free nanny.

So here's a solution.

I quit.

Oh, God.
Don't be so dramatic, Mom.

-You'd miss Corey so much.
-[Nisha] I mean it.

I am tired and retired.

I can't be an on-call
nanny anymore.

I want to explore the city
and...

explore Graham,
and brunch with my red hats.

So, your kids are your kids now.

[Felix] We can only find
three chocolates.

What do you think, James?

Yeah. No, I like it.
It's like a zoo for plants.

So, you admit this is as much
fun for kids as go-karting?

No. There's batting cages
and hot dogs there.

This is like a indoor hike.

They have quail here.

Real quail.

So just a question.
Have you ever had a hot dog?

-They're great.
-You burned her out

by pumping out so many kids,

and now I'm stuck
splitting the bill with you.

You have one child.
You'll survive.

Please. Everyone knows
the more you have,

the easier it gets.

Really?

Break that down for me.

They raise themselves.

The education and manners
dilute as you trickle down.

But by the third one,
does it even matter?

Oh, okay.
You should have dozen kids then.

Things would be
so simple for you.

Anyway, we are not losing Mom.

Employment retention
is my specialty.

Don't you travel the world
firing people?

These are koi fish,

but they're also being coy.

It's a pun.

I don't understand
what you're saying.

That's okay.
You're just a kid.

No, I'm not. I'm famous.

My face is gonna be
on ketchup bottles

-and yours is not.
-Hey, hey, hey.

Viv, that's not nice.

I mean, you might hurt
Corey's feelings.

He could feel left out.

No, it's okay.
I was on Soft Ones.

Oh, it's a commercial
for boxed croissants.

Soft Ones?

Do you know Soft Ones?

No.

I assume you wanted him,

but you knew
he was too recognizable,

you know, because of Soft Ones.

-Right. Overexposure...
-Mm-hmm.

...from... Soft Ones.

Come on.

Okay.

[Photographer]
That's great. That's great.

You're buying groceries
for mom and papa, so good.

Good kids.
Now we're gonna do sad faces.

Yeah, that's it.

Now, sniff the bag.

So fresh. That's it. That's it.

Yay. Happy.

Now sad.

What a pro.

It seems like
a lot of direction.

You love that gourd, right?

We're selling peace
of mind here, James.

We're not selling food.

And these kids
just aren't giving it to us.

I can tell that's iced tea.

No, it isn't. Shut up.

Ennis is right.
I'm not feeling it.

It's too...

juvenile.

Well, maybe that's because
they're, you know, kids.

Hey, right now, they're
not kids. They are employees.

[Photographer]
And cookie break.

Yes!

[Photographer] We're getting
a lot of great stuff

-from the older boy.
-Agreed.

Cut the little girl
and dump the baby.

What? No, no, no.
They're all great.

They're all great.
You can't fire

-a five-year-old girl.
-Why?

Just tell her
it's nothing personal.

Tell her you'd take her out
for ice cream.

Tell her to forget
the whole thing ever happened.

-Move on.
-[Viv] We're the best actors.

Right, Felix?

Tied for first.

[James sighs]

Whose turn is it
to do bed tonight?

[Viv] I'm not happy.

Yours.

[Viv] Nothing good
happens to me.

Felix gets to be an actor,
and you're always with Morris.

-Okay.
-Viv, his name is Andrew.

You name someone once,
and then it just kind of sticks.

Okay. Well, I see
you're drawing your feelings.

I think that's really good.
Can I see how upset you are?

-Okay.
-Ooh.

Let's just take a look at...

the, uh...

-A flower.
-Mm-hmm.

-A flower.
-You know, honey,

people have wins and losses
on different days of their life

and today feels
kinda bit of a win,

but this picture right here,
this flower, that--

-Are you kidding?
-That's the real win.

-[Astrid] Incredible.
-You like it?

-Oh, like it?
-Like--

Go pick a magnet because
this is fridge material,
little missy.

[James] Mmm!

-Killed it.
-[Felix] I did one, too.

Is it good?

-Oh, my God. That--
-That's beautiful.

Excellent job. Stunning.

Argh!

[Felix] Maybe I should
give this one to Nanima

so she can remember me.

Nanima didn't quit
being your grandmother,
she quit being helpful.

Remember when she always
used to hide chocolates for us?

-Yeah, that was yesterday,
buddy.
-Yeah. I do remember that.

That's the reason why
your sister stayed up till
11:00.

[Viv] Ugh!

I'm here.

So am I.

Where's my little
George Clooney?

I always said Felix had a face
that could move product.

I brought a treat to say
how proud I am of him.

Did you bring something
for Viv, too?

Yes, of course.
Always got to keep things

equal with the kids.
Otherwise, the inmates

can turn on the guards.

So, you came here
to bring them chocolate?

Dawn invited me.

[Astrid] What?

Please have a seat.

Both of you.
[Clears throat]

Now, it's been brought
to our attention

that you have some concerns
about the work environment.

She brought it
to our attention.

[Dawn] And we do
thank her for that.

Thank you, Mother.

-Thanks, Mom.
-I didn't have concerns.

I just don't wanna
do it anymore.

And we hear you.
And we think

we have a way forward.
You have been cooking,

cleaning, helping with
homework...

Giving advice, commenting
on how messy things are.

When your duty
should only be childcare.

Nothing more.

I love spending time
with the kiddos.

-They're pretty great.
-I knew we could resolve this.

But the word "duties"

pretty much sums up
the problem for me.

-Okay. What about just Corey?
-Dawn.

Mom, where are you going?

I'm taking Graham
to see Cavalia .

It's a theatrical presentation

featuring 70 horses in costumes.

You two can fend for yourselves.

Something different
about you, Ennis.

It's like you're still you,
but now...

I value your opinion.

Success comes from standing out.
Not fitting in.

Hey. Uh, so...

this is a family-centric
company, right?

Oh, yes. The entire board
is related to Mr. Gero

but I'm gonna find my way in.

Maybe a strategic marriage.
[Laughing]

And this is a family-centric
ad campaign,

so one kid is not enough,

we need to have Viv back in it.

We tried Viv, James.
She's a total flop

-from the Planet Meh.
-That's what you said you want.

Also, she is not
a flop from the--

can you just
look at some pictures?

Just look at some pictures
real quick.

Here she is.
Look at this picture.

Here she is having dessert.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at this guy.
Halloween, she's so happy.

She's selling Halloween here.

Look at this on a carousel.

I don't know about you,
but this makes me wanna

get on a horse
and go round and round.

Not bad. Yes.

She's a lot more interesting
than she was yesterday.

Success comes
from standing out.

Not fitting in.

Done.

Girl's back in.
Good call, Ennis.

Not Ennis' idea, but it's great.

Little boy's out.

No. The little boy stays.

Felix stays in.

James, I can't take this back
and forth anymore.

It's your call.
Solution,

the boy or the girl,
just pick your favorite.

Oh, but not both.

It's a shame
we couldn't keep the baby.

I have a vision of the brand
growing with the child.

Diapers,

fruit leather, alcohol,

back to diapers.

Incredible.

[door closes]

Hi.

-Hear me out.
-Mm-hmm.

Give away
all Felix and Viv's toys,

and raise Andrew
as a minimalist.

He has 15 pacifiers.
I think he's accustomed

to a certain lifestyle. Hello.

Is Viv back in the picture?

[groaning] Marla told me
I had to choose my favorite,

so they're both out.
I told her neither of them.

You can't take something away
from Felix

because it hurts Viv's
feelings.

-She's got to figure it out.
-[groaning]

[Viv] I was playing
with it first.

I was here before you.

I get things first.

I hate you.

[James] Hey. No, you don't.

Well, of course, we have
to help them figure it out.

I'm just gonna tell Felix that
the photographer has a tapeworm.

It's scary and he doesn't know
what that is.

Why don't you just say
he's not feeling well?

Why does it have to be
a parasitic worm

eating his guts?

I've never seen them
talk to each other like that.

Siblings fight.

I told my sister I hate her
hundreds of times,

thousands even.

I told her I wish
she was never born,

that she was a mistake.
I once told her

that my mom told me
to please ask her

to run away from home.

Just last week,
I stole her jewelry.

Just what siblings do.

Don't make this about me.
This is about you.

My brother and I
weren't close growing up

because I was the favorite.

That's because you're amazing,
charming, so handsome.

Thank you. But he resented me...

and then I felt guilty,

and then it festered,
and we had one blowup,

and now we barely speak.

I know it's hard,

but these guys are close.

-It's just a blip.
-[groaning]

But our house is full of love,
my love.

We can't control how they feel.

And Viv is strong,
she can handle her emotions.

Be cool, she's coming. Shh.

I need a snack.

I'll be waiting outside

where no one wants
to take my picture.

-[whining]
-It's okay.

She'll move back in
when she calms down

or if she's a bee.

[Ennis] I'm glad
you do think it's great.

-[Marla] It's wonderful.
-[Ennis] Because it is.

-[Marla] It's gonna be fine.
-Hey.

I know I said Felix is out
but now he's back in.

He's over his tapeworm?

Oh, no, I lied about that.

[Ennis] It doesn't matter.

We've got a new campaign,

one that doesn't rely on kids.

What am I looking at?

We are giving Baggy
a baggy family.

[Ennis] We've got
two baggy parents

that are carrying
their kids like bags.

But they've also got
bags of groceries

that they bought at Gero's.

Which are the bags
and which are the kids?

They're all bags.
That's the point.

Don't you think
it's confusing that this bag

is holding a bag
of groceries in one hand

and his child who is a bag
of groceries in the other hand?

You ever have pockets
and they get full?

You can't carry all
your groceries in your pockets.

These are just like pockets.

What's this child
bag of groceries holding?

Another mini--is this

-a baby bag of groceries?
-It's a toy bag.

He wants to be like mom and dad
so he's play-grocery.

So, this is a toy version
of his mom and dad?

Exactly, which was
a great idea, Marla.

-I love that idea.
-That's also holding groceries?

Yes, it is.
It's also holding groceries.

You're answering
all your own questions.

I don't understand
how a grocery bag

could carry groceries
inside its own body

when he's also receiving
grocery bags

-at the grocery store.
-And that's what bags do,

-they hold groceries.
-They went to the store

and they, what,
they picked up groceries,

-put them in themselves...
-Yes.

-...then also put
groceries in bags...

-[Ennis] Bags.
-...that are not sentient bags.

[Ennis] Not themselves.
No. You're overthinking.

You're underthinking it.
This bag of groceries

has another bag
of groceries inside.

She's pregnant.

It is a good, strong logo.
I love it.

We are presenting it tomorrow
and that is final.

You ready to surprise
everybody at work

with how distracting you are?

Yeah?

Hi.

Hello.

How was the, uh,
horse-show... play? Musical?

Wonderful. For the most part.

It's hard to know for sure
if there were really 70 horses.

I mean, they're moving
way too fast to count

and they're all zipping around
this way and that but...

Is there a story to this show?

I think one of
the horses was king.

I mean, it was very beautiful,

you know, if you like horses.

You don't like horses?

I like trying new things

and I love my little Andrew.

Aww. I can keep him today?

That would be amazing.

If I want beautiful drawings
like the one Felix made,

I have to put in the time.

Mom, the kids love you.

We may have
taken you for granted.

You think?

I didn't have help
with you, girls.

My parents were
far away and, what,

your dad was useless,

so I wanted you
to both have help.

But it can't be
my full-time job.

What are your
part-time hours like?

So, they're not doing
the campaign?

They're going
in a different direction.

What does that mean?

Did they find someone
better than me?

Oh, no, no, no, buddy.
That's the good news.

They're replacing you
with a pile of bags.

Yeah. I wouldn't trade you
for a million bags,

not even the fancy ones.

[Viv] I don't hate you, Felix.
I hate the bags now.

Felix] Thanks, Viv. You, too.

How you doing?
You okay, buddy?

Can I play VR at
Ab's house this weekend?

-Totally over it.
-Yes.

You can put your entire face
into a video game all weekend.

-Wooh

-Can I go, too?

-No.
-Okay.

[James] It's basically
impossible to treat
your kids equally.

[Astrid]
They're different people.
One will need more help

- with math.
-And one will need
more reminders

not to pick their nose
and wipe it on the table.

[Astrid] And sure,
maybe they'll resent

how one summer their older
sister got to go up to camp

while they had to help get the
skunk smell out of the house.

[James] They'll eventually
get over it, right?

-[Astrid] Sure.
- [James] You can go nuts
trying to make sure

everything is totally fair.

[Astrid] But if each
of your kids

thinks one or the others
is the favorite,

-you're doing a good job.
-[Felix] Oh no.

We're not just
selling groceries.

We're selling family.

And so we present
the baggy family.

And the mom baggy,

the dad baggy made
all the little baby baggies.

Well, actually, the bag maker
still made all the bags.

"The Bag Maker" sounds
vaguely religious to me.

Well, there's no God
in the bag world.

Hard to say there's
no God, specifically.

Anyway, as I was saying,
each bag contains food

and also carries bags
with more food.

It's straightforward

and we don't have to
figure out if the bags eat,
right?

But if the bags did eat--

Well, we don't need
to figure it out.

-It's not gonna come up.
-But if the bags did eat...

-Not gonna come up.
-...we could tell the food

they ate from the food
they were holding,

wouldn't be all mushed up
and gross and digested either.

Not every puzzle
needs to be solved, you know.

And eventually,
the food would just disappear.

It would not,
you know, you know.

Nope.

Any questions?

[closing music plays]