All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything S01E06 Roadtrips 1080p NF WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-DJSF_track3_[eng]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Astrid: Before kids,
a car meant freedom,

convenience, possibility.

Hitting the open road
was exciting.

With kids, it's like you're
an Uber driver for a drunk cop.

They boss you around,
shade me for texting,

spill their food everywhere and
then you just have to take it.

James: Your car becomes
a kitchen, a bedroom,

a family room,
a toilet, and a prison.

It feels like you've gotta
bring everything

in your house with you,
except the cool stuff.

- But the hardest part
of driving anywhere

is leaving the damn house.

- (Screaming)

- She's mad because
there's no room in her tummy

for a snack because I've made
too much breakfast.

- Well, kiddo, come on! We got
a long drive ahead of us.

I'm gonna stick you
in the trunk!

- Yay! The trunk!
Astrid: No, no, no.

Daddy's joking, Baby.
No one ever, ever, EVER

goes in the trunk. That's not
an idea we want to explore.

- I'm not going then!

Argh!

Arrrgh!

- Can I go in the trunk?
- Argh! Arrrrgh!

♪♪♪

- Hey, Manitoulin Island
is a six-hour drive

and we were supposed
to leave two hours ago.

- I'm trying something.

- All right, let's see
what you brought for the car.

A Frisbee.

Oh, your Tooth Fairy money!

Some string and a yo-yo.

You know, none of this stuff
you can use in the car.

- It's for the cottage.
- Uncle Bo's brother's cottage

is bigger than our entire
house and full of toys.

- Can we have a cottage?
- Of course we can't!

Did you pee?
- I think so.

- Okay, I'm gonna need you
to step it up a bit.

You're eight years old now.

It's time you take
responsibility

for getting ready and for
your own pee, quite frankly.

It's your bladder now,
you're in charge.

- Okay.

(Washer fluid burbles)

- Been through the war
with this beast.

- Oh yeah. Florida, Tofino.

That time the streetcar hit me.

- Us, my love,
the streetcar hit us.

- Yeah, you're right.
I think uh,

I think we're due for a new
ride, or a new used ride.

- Wonder if Teslas will ever
come down in price?

- Why, because Bo's brother,
Trevor had one?

- Ha, ha, it's so fun
to bob around in that thing.

Trev, he's, he's a pretty
good guy.

- Disagree. He's a twice
divorced crypto guru

who thinks his invisible braces
are actually invisible.

But I can see them, James!
I can see them

because the man
chews like a horse!

- Great cottage, though.

- It's not even a cottage,

it's like a set from
"The Bachelor."

So, I'm thinking that
maybe our next car

should have a third row
and be a van.

(Car hood slams)

- For my guitar.

- Or another baby.

- I was actually thinking
about that.

- Mm-hmm?
- No, I was thinking

about making this trip
with an infant.

Driving while being sleep
deprived, diaper changes,

baby crying - which is more
haunting than kid crying.

- I understand another human
makes things more difficult.

- It's less time, less space,
less money.

We'd have to change when
we retire.

- But it's also that
new baby smell,

and the first words,
and holding another human

that's a little bit
of both of us.

- Why can't you acknowledge
what I'm saying is valid?

- Why can't you acknowledge
that like,

babies are sweet?
- I do, but is it realistic?

- Is it realistic?
What is realistic?

Is anything actually realistic?
- Okay.

- Well, I say,
we ignore reality!

- You know what?
It's May 2-4, it's the weekend,

let's just go to a cottage
with an espresso machine

and then we'll talk about all
this over a glass of wine,

while we sit on one
of the docks.

- Okay. So, if you think
that spending half a day

in the car with our children
is gonna change my mind,

you're wrong.

- Oh, I think it might make you
regret the first two.

(Door closes)
- How are you less ready?

- Yeah, g--what? We're supposed
to be on the 400 now.

That's a highway. You guys
don't know what it means.

- Felix, why are you eating
cereal?

- It's for the car!
- What?!

- I'll be careful.
- Viv, what are you wearing?

Stop, stop whirly-twirling.
Okay, okay, you know what?

Maybe we're gonna go to
the cottage without you.

- Oh.
- Whadda ya think about that?

- Don't make threats you can't
follow through on.

That's like ice cream in
the garbage all over again.

- No, no, no, it's gonna work.
Like, they don't know

I'm not gonna follow through.
They're gonna start

getting ready. You watch.
- No.

- I'm gonna start the car
and then, I'm gonna go!

With or without ya!

- I want you kids to know,
I admire

your Daddy's follow-through.
(Astrid's phone rings)

- Hmm! I was right,
you haven't left yet.

- Can you email me a sip
of that mimosa?

- Don't even joke
about drinking and driving.

There was a huge accident
on the highway

and a family got mangled,

including two kids.

Oh, hi Viv!
- Hi, Dawn Auntie!

- How's it going up there?
- Oh, so peaceful.

- We'll be there soon.
- I hope so.

The last ferry leaves Tobermory
at five now.

- What?! Really, is that new?
(Door slams)

- Guys, I have had it up
to here! That's...

look how close to the top
it is! We're gonna go

and you guys are gonna
watch me leave.

- James, we have to go,
the ferry leaves at five!

- Guys, we have to leave.
This is serious.

Dawn: Hello, James.
- Oh, hey Dawn!

Hey, uh, tell Trev I couldn't
fit my axe in the car,

but I'm excited to jam, though.
- Oh, should I tell Bo, too?

- Meh, hmm, sure.

- Hmm, and don't forget
your bathing suits.

Trevor just put in a brand new
Jacuzzi!

- See ya soon!
- Guys,

the cottage has a Jacuzzi!
- What's that?

- It's a tiny hot pool
you can sit in.

- Yeah, makes a soup
outta you and your friends.

- Yes!
- Okay!

- Okay, okay, okay, let's go!

- Hey Buddy, Buddy, Buddy,
you got your backpack on.

- Can we listen
to Scoot McDooby?

- Ah, you know what?
We don't have it in the car.

- Oh, it's in my backpack.
- You found it, huh?

Okay. Great.

- Oh, I see you brought some
sticker books to read, huh?

- Am I sneaky?
- Yes, you're so sneaky.

But remember, reading
is what makes you feel sick

and you hate being sick, right?
- It's not reading,

she can't read.
- Thank you, Felix.

- No problem.
- I can read stickers.

- Viv, where's your
yuck bucket?

- I got it, I got it.
(Seatbelt clunks)

- Thank you. Okay, what do you,
what do you do, Viv,

when your stomach starts
to feel yucky?

- I cry.
- Before that.

- I puke!
- In the bucket, right?

- I can only do my best.

(Seatbelt clicks)
- Ow! Ow!

- Okay, okay, okay!
- Are you bleeding?

- No!

- Well, then, band aid's not
really gonna help, is it?

- It makes it better!
- I mean, actually it's called

a placebo effect. It's your
brain lying to your body.

- Is it rainbow band aids?
- There it is!

Here we go. And like that.
Is it better?

- So much better.
- So much better!

(Buzzing in bathroom)

- What the?

(Door creaks open)

What're you doin'?

- Oh, I just realized,
if there's a hot tub,

I better trim my bikini line.
- With my beard trimmer.

- Uh, yeah. I just need
to take out some of the volume

so it's not like a little
bird's nest peeking out.

Caw!

(Car horn wails)
Astrid: Is that our horn?

(Running footsteps thud)
- What happened?

- I was just trying to start
the car, and it worked!

- Yeah, no, yeah,
it's gonna work, Buddy.

Why, why did you do that?

- I was trying
to help save time.

- Hey, come here. I appreciate
you taking the initiative,

but that was really dangerous
and honestly,

not a huge timesaver for us.
Let's go.

- Okay.

Astrid: Planning a family
road trip,

you have to factor in small
bladders, and queasy tummies,

and your optimal route
involves a lot more stops.

You can't focus on making
good time;

only making the time
somehow good,

thereby proving to yourself
and your partner

that it wasn't a totally
stupid idea.

- James, some music!
- Mm-hmm!

Announcer: In an accident
that left five dead,

including two children.
- Yeah, less talk, more rock!

Let's go!
(Cheering)

(Rock music blares)

(Cars honking)

- Only six hours left to go.
Man: Move it, you tool!

♪ Said we're here
for a good time ♪

♪ Not a long time ♪

♪ Not a long time ♪

♪ So have a good time ♪

♪ The sun won't shine
every day ♪

♪♪♪

♪ And the sun is shining ♪

- Hey, no reading in the car.
- Viv can't read!

- Yes, I can!
- Viv, no reading,

no looking at stuff, no staring
at anything in your lap.

That's how you get sick.
Okay, Honey?

- Not looking!
- Totally!

Um, except I can see you,
though, so.

- Okay, look Viv,
if you don't stop we're--

You know what? Let's do this.
(Music stops)

Uh, first person to see a green
car is the green car champion.

- It's a really good call.
Wow.

Oh, we need to stop
and get some pies

at the Mennonite farm.
- I don't, it's not uh,

exactly on the way and we're
already cutting it close.

- No, no, last year we showed
up empty handed, remember,

and Dawn asked if we needed
grocery money.

- We brought stuff!
- Nobody believed those

"Paw Patrol" yogurts were
for the group jams.

We need something special!

- We're never gonna
make the ferry.

Please don't take that as
a challenge to drive fast.

- It's too late, James.

Felix: Viv's looking
out my window!

- Felix looked out mine!
- All windows are in play.

His eyes are hogging
all the windows!

- Losing 'em. How 'bout we
listen to some more music?

- Scoot McDooby!
- Yeah!

♪ When I say trick,
you say treat ♪

♪ Trick.
Treat. ♪

♪ When I say trick,
you say treat ♪

♪ Trick.
Treat. ♪

♪ When I say trick,
you say treat ♪

♪ Go trick. (Treat)
Trick. (Treat) ♪

♪ When I say trick,
you say treat ♪

♪ Go trick. (Treat)
Trick. (Treat) ♪

- Uh, there's a...
sorry I can't.

This music is making me wanna
put an ice pick in my ear.

I'm just gonna turn this
down real quick, guys.

- No!
- Nope.

- Okay. Geez, Louise.

- The cottage this way?
- Mm-hmm?

- Four million dollars.
- Wow. They probably think

they're so much better than us.

Felix: Can I eat food
I find on the seat?

- For the last time, yes!
- Yes!

- Thought you were supposed
to be checking for traffic.

- Yeah, no I was.
We're good.

Then I started thinking about
buying land,

dropping a prefab down.

You know, Trev has
a pretty sweet setup.

Like, kids have a separate
bunky.

- Hey!
- Who threw that?

- I can't hear!
- You don't throw a horse

at Mommy because you can't
hear your Halloween music.

- Come on.
- Oh, my God!

♪ Trick, trick ♪

- You know, not to belabor
the point but imagine

all this plus an infant.
And sore nipples.

- It's not as farfetched
as buying some land

and dropping a prefab.

- Just wanna think of a future
where we can do that.

- And a separate bunky
for the kids?

Like how Trev has?
Cool Trev with all his

erotic Japanese art?
- It's called Shunga.

Why is it so crazy to think
that we could have a cottage?

- Why is it crazy to think
that we could have a baby?

♪♪♪

Felix: Dad?
- Hmm?

- Viv threw up again.
- What? Again?

- She threw up before
but you guys were talking.

- Okay, you can interrupt
for barf, for future point.

♪♪♪

(Door opens and shuts)

- Oh God!
- Can I have my snacks now?

- No, we have to hose down
the snacks you already ate.

Are you kidding me right now?
- Did it ruin my sticker book?

- Yes, Viv!
It got in your sticker book.

I asked you so many times
to put that away.

You can't read
while we're driving.

- She can't read!
- Felix, your sister's

gonna have people telling her
she can't do things

her entire life. She doesn't
need to hear it from you, too.

Viv, look at this.

This is covered in vomit.
This is garbage now. Sorry.

- Hey! That's littering!
- Felix, shut up!

(Exhales)

(Door opens and shuts)

(Footsteps recede)

- Hey, that wasn't about you.
Mommy's just frustrated.

But also like, come on.

- (Sighs heavily)

- Hi.
- (Sighs)

- Found this under
the car seat.

- Oh, my God.

(Bubble wrap crinkling
and popping)

(Calming exhale)

I hate yelling at the kids,

but I wanna throw them
into the sun.

- Yeah.
- (Sighs)

- It's a bad feeling.
- (Sighs)

- I love you.

There's a picnic area up ahead.

We can change Viv,
clean up, regroup.

Maybe you can chat with Felix?

- Can we just leave them there?

- Hmm. Yeah, we'll pick 'em up
on the way back.

- Yeah.
- Or not.

- Okay.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(Grass crinkles)

Viv: Eat your salad!

- Mm.
(Lips smack)

Oh, is there raspberry
vinaigrette on this?

- Nope, it looks like
a bug peed on it.

- Hmm, well whatever you did,
it's delicious.

- All right, you guys
go run around

and burn off some energy.

Hey, I'm sorry
I told you to shut up.

- You said that two times
already, Mommy.

- I'm sorry.
- (Giggles)

- I'm gonna go check out
that creek.

Right after I uh, raspberry
vinaigrette behind that tree.

- Okay. I'll pack up.

Oh, my God.

(Containers rattle)

(Car whooshes by)

Viv: Do you wanna
throw rocks together?

Felix: We can throw
one together.

Launch and throw!

Astrid: Usually one parent
ends up being

the family documentarian.

James: You get all
the birthdays,

or the first days at school,
the beautiful candids,

the incredibly framed
action shots.

Astrid: You're a great
photographer, Sweetheart.

- Oh, it's nothing.
I'm just quick on the draw.

And use the rule of thirds
and have an excellent eye.

- Anyway, having a family album
in your pocket makes it easy

to reminisce about the adorable
things that happened

when the kids were little.
Or like, last week.

- It also makes it easy
for those precious moments

to get stolen. Or worse.

James: Oh!
- Oh no! No, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- No, no, no.
- (Gasps) Get it!

- No, no, no, no, no.
- I'm so sorry.

- Ah!
- I'm so sorry.

- No, it's okay
- I'm so sorry!

- It's okay. (Sighs)

Okay, it's fine, it's fine.
Do we have any rice?

- Uh... we have lentil salad.
- Nope, that's...nope.

- But everything's
in the cloud, right?

We have a cloud?
- For a year the cloud

has emailed me once a week
and told me the cloud is full.

(Sighs)

♪♪♪

(Clock ticking)

♪♪♪

(James snorts)

Did you drug their food?

- Felix looks like such
a stoner when he sleeps.

James: Energy is everything,
dude.

- Whoa, does my body make hair
or is it like,

already inside me?

- Cats are just mini tigers.
- (Laughs)

Oh, he's a little stoner.

- I'd take a picture but
(Sucks teeth).

Ugh, hopefully we didn't
lose everything.

- Hmm, you're right
about the pies.

Let's just get to the ferry.

- All right. Agreed.

- I'm so sick of it being
a battle

just to get out of the house
to go somewhere fun.

- Totally.
- Just done with dragging

people kicking and screaming.
It's exhausting.

- Amen, Sister.

- Well, I'm talking
about you, too.

(Car rattles)

I can't make you
wanna have a kid.

You don't want to,
and that's legit, so...

that's, that's the end
of the conversation.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

(Car rattles)

(Phone keys click)

("This Feeling"
by Alabama Shakes plays)

♪♪♪

♪ I just kept hoping ♪

♪ I just kept hoping ♪

♪ The way would become clear ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I spent all this time ♪

♪ Try'na play nice ♪

♪ And fight my way here ♪

♪♪♪

(Brakes squeal, gear shifts)

- Okay.

(Shuts engine off)

(Distant indistinct chatter)

- Are we there?

- I see pioneers!

- Those are Mennonites, Buddy.

- You made my pie dreams
come true?

- I did some calculations
and a lot of speeding,

and I figure we have
about 17 minutes here.

So, let's get some pies.
- (Squeals) You're the best.

Now my sister's not gonna
judge me all weekend.

Just kidding. Yes, she will.

♪♪♪

- Can I use my Tooth Fairy
money to buy cookies

for Viv and me?
- That's so sweet of you.

But you know what?
I'll give you the money.

- But I wanna use my money.

- All right, you got it,
Mister.

Can I have the keys?
- Yeah.

Meet you by the pie guy?
- Yeah. (Chuckles)

Actually, how do you feel about
getting that money on your own?

Huh?
- Thanks!

- So, where are those pies?
- Hmm, this way, M'lady.

We will take your freshest
apple pie, sir.

- Unfortunately we're
fresh out.

- Oh! Okay, what about um,
strawberry rhubarb?

- Just sold the last one.

All we have left is shoofly pie.

- I heard the word fly.

- What is shoofly pie?

- It's made with molasses
and raisins.

- Yuck.

- A raisin pie.
- Now, is it called shoofly

because when you cut into it,
the raisins,

they look like dead flies?
- Huh.

- No. It's because the molasses
attracts the flies

and you have to shoo them away.

- My love, how many pies that
need protection from insects

would you like to take
to the cottage?

- Well, no less than two.

- We gotta have two, man.

♪♪♪

(Engine rumbles)
James: Oh, God.

- Felix, why did you
start the car again?

- I didn't want to.
My body made me do it.

- No, your body didn't
make you do it, Kiddo,

your body isn't a separate guy.

- Okay, we don't have time
for cookies anymore. Let's go.

W-w-
- No!

- Yeah.
- We have to call CAA.

- Okay, um,
is your phone in the car?

- It is, yes.

♪♪♪

(Crickets chirping,
owl hoots)

Top up?

- Yes, please.

(Beer burbles)

Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, I haven't had
to shoo a single fly away

from this pie.
It's false advertising.

- Felix says that flies throw
up when they land on food.

- We should call them barfs
then. Because the--

- Yeah, no, you're right.
- You get it.

- Yeah.

(Crickets chirping)

You're really done with
having another baby?

- No, I definitely
still want one.

I'm just done with talking
about it.

And honestly, I'm not done
with talking about it.

- Right, okay.
Well... (Sighs)

I may have a baby compromise.

We try--
- That's a great idea.

Let's do it!
Ah, you're a genius!

- Okay, if we have a baby,
we do that,

and if we don't have a baby...

- But we might have a baby.

- But if we don't have a baby,
then that's cool, too.

- Okay.

- We try for four months.

- Eight months.

- Six.

- Done.
- Okay.

- Okay?

♪♪♪

(Exhales,
cup clunks)

(Can rattles)

♪♪♪

- Take this party inside?
- Uh huh. I think so.

Also, one beer
puts me to sleep.

James: The road of life
can be bumpy and windy

and make you sick.

Astrid: Are you really doing
a life is a highway metaphor?

- Oh, come on, can you just--
When you're on your own,

you're in the driver's seat,
but when you have passengers--

Astrid: This is terrible!

James: When you have
passengers,

you need to consider where
everyone wants to go.

- Felix, let's go!

Astrid: It's not the
destination, it's the journey.

Am I right?
James: Okay,

I support you when you do
your talking thing.

Can you have my back, please?
- I always have your back.

- We reached a fork in the road
and have to make a choice

whether or not to have a uh...
- Hitchhiker.

- Ooh yes, a hitchhiker,

who will delight us and make
the journey more interesting.

Or murderous.
Likely a bit of both.

- And we may alter the route,
or even the destination,

but the beautiful thing is that
we're all in the car together.

- Hey, there she is! Okay!

- Yeah, I'm amazing.
- You are amazing.

We're amazing!

♪ Here's a spooky trick,
trick for you ♪

♪ It's a Halloween rap
from MC Boo ♪

♪ Ghost flies by
watch out for the mummy ♪

♪ When you candy
the sugar in your tummy ♪

♪ Enzymes break it down
into glucose ♪

♪ Look out behind you,
that is too close ♪

♪ Grab your mask,
let's get on the scene ♪

♪ Let's have a happy
hip hop Halloween ♪

♪ When I say trick,
you say treat ♪

♪ Go trick (treat)
trick (treat) ♪

♪ When I say trick,
you say treat ♪

♪ Go trick (treat),
trick (treat) ♪

♪ When I say trick,
you say treat ♪

♪ Trick, treat ♪

♪ When I say trick,
you say treat ♪

♪ Word to my mummy ♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪