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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,119
The Witchfinder General
will need a new right-hand man!
2
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:05,719
Borrow a couple of horses,
off we go,
3
00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:07,879
we should be in Chelmsford
marginally after dark.
4
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,239
Argh! Rely on oneself, pull
up the drawbridge.
5
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:11,359
What was their name?
6
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:13,559
Something like Dorothy.
So, Dorothy, yeah?
7
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,759
If you want to,
you could help me find my master.
8
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:16,879
We'd be happy to.
9
00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:18,919
Some people warned me not
to come through here.
10
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,639
I have children! Please!
They're maniacs. All of them.
11
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:22,879
I'm no good to you dead, am I?
12
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,239
You stay here,
you'll be cinders in an hour.
13
00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,519
Going somewhere, Mr Bannister?
Do you know this woman?
14
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,000
This is... His wife. Ha...
15
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,959
Oh, congratulations!
16
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,479
Thank you, pal. Thank you.
17
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,439
Well, let's see it, then!
18
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,479
See? See what? The ring!
19
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,159
Oh, you mean the wedding ring?
20
00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:50,679
Yes, just trying to think
what we did with it. Um...
21
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,999
We don't actually have...
Oh, here we go. There it is, look.
22
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,439
Yeah, it's a family heirloom.
23
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,479
His grandmother gave it to us
after she died.
24
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:59,479
Well, not after she died.
She couldn't! She was dead.
25
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,559
But she did say that she was
going to give it to us,
26
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,279
then she died. Sadly.
27
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:05,239
Then we got it off her just
with a bit of soap.
28
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,479
And some hot water, yeah.
29
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,079
It's beautiful.
Sure is, yeah.
30
00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,279
It looks a bit like yours,
Catherine.
31
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,279
It does, but mine's a bit more...
32
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,719
Oh!
33
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,719
Oh, I must have left it in the...
34
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,119
You really should wear
your wedding ring, Catherine.
35
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,599
Marriage is a sacrament.
Yes, sorry.
36
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,799
We've got to get off.
We had, we had.
37
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,959
In the middle of the feast?!
Chelmsford awaits!
38
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,079
I thought you wanted to borrow
a horse and cart?
39
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,879
Nah, you're all right, we'll walk.
Come on.
40
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:33,720
Come on. Chelmsford?
41
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,839
You need to go right through
Dedham Vale, not back that way.
42
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,599
But don't worry, there may be many
villagers in the Vale,
43
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,559
but they're
all God-fearing people like us.
44
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,880
You can be sure of a warm welcome.
45
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,239
Thank you. Thank you.
46
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,360
Just... go through...
47
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:57,560
All right?
48
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,519
There's no need to be rude!
49
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,519
I'm just asking you which way
he went.
50
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,359
Yeah, and I'm telling you...
It's none of our beeswax.
51
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,399
Exactly. One beekeeper doesn't sell
out another.
52
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,199
Master Gideon's not a beekeeper!
53
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,639
He can't stand the little...
54
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,399
Alice, could you fetch
my coin purse from the cart?
55
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,439
I might purchase some honey.
56
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,400
BEES BUZZ
57
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:26,319
These yellow and black ones,
what are they called?
58
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,399
Bees.
59
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,719
You must be fond of them.
I am fond of them, yeah.
60
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,719
And they of you?
I like to think so, yeah.
61
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,279
They wouldn't hurt you at all?
62
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,079
No. The bee's a very placid animal.
63
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,079
Much like Cumberlidge.
Unless provoked.
64
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,279
Also like Cumberlidge.
Which hand do you write with?
65
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,399
Which hand...? Do you write with?
66
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,439
I'm sorry?
Don't be. Just answer the question.
67
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,159
Would you like me to repeat
the question?
68
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,279
I can repeat the question.
Which hand do you write with?
69
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,719
Which hand do you favour?
What's your dexterous hand?
70
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:51,999
Are you right or left-handed?
71
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,359
Well, I'm right-handed, but...
72
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,639
Oh, no! Please, no, no!
No, please!
73
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,920
HE SCREAMS, BEES BUZZ
74
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,399
Walk and smile, smile and walk.
75
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,999
We're just two normal newlyweds
walking along normally.
76
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,599
Well, start acting like it, then.
77
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,999
Just because you like the idea
of our being married...
78
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,600
- SHE SCOFFS
- I don't like it.
79
00:03:12,603 --> 00:03:15,279
Oh, I think we all know the kind
of warped fantasies women
80
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,119
like you forge in
the fleshy kiln of their loins.
81
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,399
Oh, God, there's one.
82
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,599
Maybe it's easier if we just say
that I am a travelling merchant
83
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:23,919
and you're my bag carrier.
84
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,279
I'm not your bag carrier.
I'll say you're my bag carrier.
85
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:27,879
Well, I'll say you're
MY bag carrier.
86
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,279
Why would I be your bag carrier?
87
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:30,719
Why would I be YOUR bag carrier?
88
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,559
And what merchant?
What are you selling?
89
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,319
I trade mainly in spices.
Where are they?
90
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,159
Well, they're not on me.
I have an emporium.
91
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,319
What are they?
The spices? Salt.
92
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,239
Salt's not a spice.
What is it, then, a drink?
93
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,959
Spices grow, salt does not grow.
All right, privet, you grow privet.
94
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,599
Privet is not a spice.
That's a hedge.
95
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,279
A hedge can be a spice.
No, it can't.
96
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,399
Hedges can be spices. A hedge...
Do you want to survive? Yes, I do.
97
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,159
Then we need to get
our story together - and fast.
98
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,319
Now, what are we?
Are we married, or are we merchants?
99
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,239
I don't see why we have to come up
with a story.
100
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,399
They're not going to think
101
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,639
I'm a witch just cos I'm with
a man and I'm not married.
102
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,519
These people are demented.
103
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,879
There are eight miles
and God knows how many villages
104
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,199
until we're out of Dedham Vale.
105
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,879
We need to paint a picture for them,
or they will paint their own.
106
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,999
And if they start to wonder,
we don't know where...
107
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,439
Hello there! ..that will end.
108
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,239
Hello. Hello.
Oh, God, they're coming.
109
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,479
We need to know enough
about each other to suggest
110
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,759
that we are a couple rather than
two strangers who've only just met.
111
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,079
Are you listening?
I wasn't, but I am now.
112
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,519
My name is Gideon Bannister.
113
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,359
I was born in Framlingham
to George and Mary.
114
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,719
I have no siblings, never wanted
any. I was schooled at Milesford
115
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,039
then at Corpus Christi College,
Cambridge. That's a lot of Cs.
116
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,079
I enjoy birdsong, scripture
and good tailoring.
117
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,439
I am kind. We wed at St Stephen's
Chapel, Wickham Market.
118
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,799
We hope to have two children,
both of them boys. Now you.
119
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:37,999
My name is Thomasine Gooch.
120
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,799
Bannister, Bannister...
Thomasine Bannister.
121
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,879
My mum and dad are William and
Eliza - not that way round -
122
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,159
I have a brother, but he died,
and a fiance that ran off.
123
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,519
I used to have a dog, but he fell
in a hole, so we just heard him
124
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,079
barking for days and we'd throw food
down, but when we went back
125
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,559
one day, we couldn't hear
any barking, so we think he either
126
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:52,719
died or he climbed out.
127
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,319
I think that he climbed out,
but my mum said the dogs don't climb
128
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,599
because they have their knees on
backwards like cows.
129
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,519
Why are you telling me this?
Who needs to know this?
130
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:00,679
Hello! Good day to you.
131
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,719
I'm sorry to shout you over,
but I just had to say hello
132
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,319
to the newlyweds.
133
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:07,159
Oh-ho-ho, word travels fast!
134
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,959
All part of the Dedham Vale welcome.
And on that note...
135
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,439
So, how was it, the big day?
It was lovely. Lovely. Erm...
136
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,599
His parents, George and Mary...
George and Mary.
137
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,359
And her mother, Eliza, was
looking...
138
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,959
..down from heaven.
..quite radiant.
139
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,360
She's in heaven?
140
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,679
And so how was she looking radiant?
141
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,320
She was... I'll tell you
what it was...
142
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,319
I'm thinking of the organist,
who was looking radiant
143
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,559
and was maybe a woman in
her mid-60s... Mm-hm. Uh-huh.
144
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:34,999
..and she was there.
145
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,879
Her mother, meanwhile, was, yeah,
not there
146
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:43,119
for the perfectly
reasonable excuse of her... death.
147
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,519
So you didn't know that
your wife's mother was dead?
148
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,199
Give us a chance!
We only just got married. Yesterday!
149
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,079
Then, it's time for celebration!
150
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,880
No, no. No, it's not.
151
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:59,839
For luck, ivy, that they may grow
intertwined as it does.
152
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,079
Well, that's lovely. Now...
153
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,119
And the spilt seed of a ram...
154
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,959
Pardon me, the spilt seed...?
155
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,919
Semen. Semen.
..that they may grow fertile.
156
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:10,319
Very kind of you.
157
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,119
And of the ram. And of the ram.
158
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,640
Oh, believe me, he likes it.
159
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,199
You have a way with people,
don't you, Mr Hebble.
160
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:21,959
I can't thank you enough
for your help.
161
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,159
You've made an old woman feel
very special.
162
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,359
When you see her,
tell her she's welcome.
163
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,679
I'm the old woman!
164
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,239
SHE LAUGHS
165
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,599
Oh, I see what you did there.
You are most kind.
166
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,919
I've often prayed for a sign
or for a helping hand from the Lord
167
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,919
and that's why he sent you,
an angel from above.
168
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,119
Because he does do that,
does the Lord.
169
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,959
Look at how he sent a great flood
so Noah could show off his new boat.
170
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,079
Look at how when Moses was stranded
by the Red Sea,
171
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,719
the Lord made a pass
so he could walk right through it.
172
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,480
And if a path isn't a sign,
I don't know what is.
173
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,520
Nor do I, Alice.
174
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,000
Nor do I.
175
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,119
Nooses. You make these yourself,
do you?
176
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,840
She's making it in front of you.
177
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,199
Always good to have a hobby.
178
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,719
HUSHED: We need to get out of here.
Why don't you just...?
179
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,159
Look at your two,
couple of lovebirds!
180
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,839
Aha. Well, a couple of lovebirds
who must fly, I'm afraid.
181
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,279
Not often you see a married couple
show so much affection.
182
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,799
How do you mean? Well, there's
barely a cross word between you.
183
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,039
It's almost hard to believe.
Hard to believe? Why?
184
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,840
Not like many married couples
I know.
185
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:32,279
Oh, believe me, we sometimes make
our feelings clear, don't we?
186
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:33,799
So, for example, I will say,
187
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,839
"Why do you always speak
with your mouth full?"
188
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:38,039
And I might say, "Why do you have to
look down on people?
189
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,279
"Why can't you just be kind?"
190
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,919
I might say, "Kindness has
to be earned. You can be quite
ill mannered."
191
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,199
I might say, "You might have
manners, but it's what's behind
the manners."
192
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,999
I might say,
"Oh, eh, I must hear this.
193
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,399
"What's behind my manners?"
194
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,079
"You're mean, you're inconsiderate,
you're dishonest, you're vain."
195
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,439
And I say, "Have you quite
finished?" "You don't listen.
196
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,319
"You tut, you snore,
you roll your eyes..."
197
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,319
I'll say, "Now have you finished?"
"You've no honour,
198
00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,599
"even though it seems to be the only
thing that you care about.
199
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,920
"You're short-tempered, you're
a hypocrite and you're not nice."
200
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,240
Now have you finished?
201
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,920
Yeah, I've finished now. Yeah.
202
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:22,799
What do you think, Alice?
Could this be your master's?
203
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,519
Well, Master Gideon says it doesn't
do for Puritans
204
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,599
to indulge in the pleasures
of the ear.
205
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,400
But we all like music, don't we?
206
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,159
I... might sing occasionally.
207
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:37,279
You sing beautifully, like
a tropical songbird, a parrot, say,
208
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,839
and Cumberlidge knows
I love a song as well.
209
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,239
Do you? A jaunty jig song,
a moving ballad - I love a song.
210
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:47,439
So if there's no harm in
your master enjoying music,
211
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,679
could this be his whistle?
212
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,399
WHISPERS: I think it is.
213
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,079
Then he came through here.
We'll catch him in no time.
214
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,079
Catch? Catch, catch up.
215
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,839
Ah.
216
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,239
Is it as blessed as they say?
217
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,119
The wedding?
The night of the wedding.
218
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,159
Oh, the night of the wedding,
we travelled here.
219
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,559
Then how did you consummate?
220
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:09,800
We haven't had a chance to do
that yet, but it's on our list.
221
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:18,239
Sorry, I thought... people
said you were married.
222
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,999
We are married.
We just haven't had a...
223
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,280
The sacrament isn't complete.
You are his wife?
224
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,559
Mr Bannister?
225
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:33,279
Yes, he came through, ooh, what?
A few hours ago now?
226
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,039
Excellent. I am pleased.
227
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,159
Him and his wife. His wife?!
He's not got a wife!
228
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,519
Oh, yes. He has now.
229
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,039
Just married, apparently.
230
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,679
Master Gideon?
It was his wife, wasn't it?
231
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:46,919
Oh, yes, yes.
They had a ring and everything.
232
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,039
Happy day!
233
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,439
Would you mind pointing us
in the direction they headed?
234
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,319
We'd love to coat them
with our best wishes.
235
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:53,719
Certainly. This way.
236
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,159
CUCKING STOOL CREAKS
237
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,760
I think you left a witch on that.
238
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:02,439
I don't think it's true,
them being wed.
239
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,399
Well, true, not true, whichever...
240
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,959
I mean, it's probably just a ruse,
241
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,039
you know, to stop these lot
from snatching her.
242
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,519
It's no concern of mine if he was
married, he's just my employer.
243
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,079
Yeah, I know, it's just...
244
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,999
..some help have a special bond
with their master.
245
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,799
I don't have a special bond
with my master.
246
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,439
YOU might have a special
bond with...
247
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,519
I don't have a special bond
with my master, no.
248
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:22,959
I mean, you see some help, they're
249
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,439
all over their masters like spilt
soup. Like nappy rash.
250
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,879
Pathetic, desperate.
251
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,839
I mean, I don't even know
my master's birthday. I don't.
252
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:31,860
I don't. June-uary?!
253
00:10:31,861 --> 00:10:32,879
SHE LAUGHS
254
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,879
Yeah. Or how he likes his bath.
255
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,119
When my master had ticks,
I laughed. I would.
256
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,959
I'd laugh.
I mean, I'm laughing right now.
257
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,600
I removed them all,
but I was laughing.
258
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,559
Why did you tell them that?
259
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,159
WHISPERS: Well, I didn't know
they had the room ready, did I?
260
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,799
HUSHED: This is unbelievable.
261
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,999
I was supposed to be in Chelmsford
a day ago.
262
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,359
Calm down!
263
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,399
Dining with Matthew Hopkins himself!
264
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,119
I'd have said something like,
"I don't know about finding witches.
265
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,199
"You've certainly found yourself
a good chef here."
266
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,319
And he would've laughed
and said, "Yeah, good one."
267
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,959
You're making such a
fuss about nothing.
268
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,039
They think we are having
congress in here.
269
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,239
We're bloody stuck, madam,
in these four thin walls
270
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,079
with half the village listening in.
271
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,799
Why don't you just say,
"We've changed our mind, actually"?
272
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,239
Do you want to take that chance?
273
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:23,840
There are trees out there
with bodies dangling from them.
274
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,640
We ought to begin.
275
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:40,040
HE MAKES SMOOCHING NOISES
276
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,599
HE SUCKS LOUDLY
277
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:44,640
What's that?!
278
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,280
Kissing.
279
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,880
HE MOANS LOUDLY
280
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,720
HE MOANS LOUDLY
281
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,319
Have you ever been with a woman?
282
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,359
Have I ever been with a woman?
She asks.
283
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:07,879
HE MOANS LOUDLY
284
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:11,199
Have you ever been...? I am
a Puritan and I am unmarried.
285
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,360
No, I haven't ever
been with a bloody woman.
286
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,679
HE MOANS LOUDLY
287
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,519
And you need to be making
appreciative noises
288
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,080
in between the grunts.
289
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,159
HE GRUNTS, SHE SQUEALS
290
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,519
What is that?
You sound like a violin!
291
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,720
You sound like someone
trying to shit a violin!
292
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:32,920
SHE LAUGHS
293
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,759
BOTH MOAN LOUDLY
294
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,679
FAINT CLIMAX
295
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,400
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
296
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,639
Ha, maybe we should do that
in every village.
297
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,399
Take a room and grunt at each other?
298
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,079
Express our fondness publicly.
299
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,239
Then I thought you could tickle me.
Yes.
300
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,159
And then you can nuzzle into me
and I'll make a cute noise.
301
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,199
Cute noise? Nyang-nyang-nyang...
302
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,879
We're flying here.
I feel like Icarus.
303
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,079
Anyone would think you're
enjoying yourself.
304
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:09,159
I am very, very fond of this lady.
305
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,119
Follow the river,
get past these trees,
306
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,319
get through the last few villages
and we're out of Dedham Vale.
307
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,759
The important thing
is not to get cocky.
308
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,839
So we tend to do the hanging
in the morning
309
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,999
and then in the afternoon
we have a market,
310
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,039
you know, make a day of it
for the family.
311
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,359
Ooh, sounds lovely.
312
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,439
So you two married, then?
313
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,559
Married? No.
314
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,640
Thomasina is a witch,
and we're hoping no-one notices.
315
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,199
HE LAUGHS
316
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,399
I say that to my missus
all the time.
317
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,119
Just that I wouldn't have put you
two together, that's all. Hmm.
318
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,039
I wouldn't have put you together
with that hat,
319
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,679
but, you know, you have.
320
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:46,519
So when did you get together?
Feels like only yesterday.
321
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,879
We've had our trials
and tribulations,
322
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,199
let's put it that way. Mainly
trials, though, to be honest.
323
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,159
But when a whole town wants
you to stand beside a woman
324
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,759
and tie the knot, what can you do?
325
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,119
Almost took my breath away.
326
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,599
Well, knots will do that,
but I didn't leave her hanging.
327
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,719
And so here we are.
Sorry? Oh, don't be, John. Don't be.
328
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,439
Oh, I love you, Gideon Bannister.
329
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,759
Do you know what,
Thomasine Bannister? Mmm?
330
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:14,119
When I'm not with you,
I think of your face
331
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,760
and it makes my heart swell.
332
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,439
Gideon?
333
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,439
Dorothy! What are you doing here?
334
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,559
Me? I'm...
I'm heading to Chelmsford.
335
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,879
Why are you here? What the hell
are you even doing here?
336
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,119
I live here, with my husband, Rex.
337
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,760
That's so, so great.
338
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,079
Are you going to introduce us?
339
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,759
Yes. Yes, I am.
340
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,919
Thomasine, this is Dorothy,
my former betrothed.
341
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,879
Dorothy, this is Thomasine,
my... Wife... wife.
342
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,519
Oh, you found someone!
343
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,559
Chose someone. Yeah.
Oh, you must stay for lunch.
344
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,599
I'll have the carriage come round.
SHE SHOUTS
345
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,439
Lovely! Actually, no,
we can't do that. Nonsense.
346
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,199
Driver! We wouldn't want to impose.
You wouldn't be imposing.
347
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,519
We would. So we won't.
348
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,479
But I want to find out a little bit
more about Thomasine.
349
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,319
Where are you from?
Who is your father?
350
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,639
I've said we can't go.
351
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,519
Miriam is preparing
a saddle of lamb!
352
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,280
Ooh! It's not going to happen,
Dorothy.
353
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,399
Perhaps another time, then. Maybe.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
354
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,240
Thomasine. Dorothy.
355
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,319
My goodness.
356
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,399
Your apples are as rosy red
as your cheeks.
357
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,519
I always think rosy cheeks
are a sign of a keen mind.
358
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,879
Or mead for breakfast!
359
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,399
A mind keen enough to remember
if you'd seen someone.
360
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,999
Now I'm looking for...
361
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,279
Alice?
362
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,240
SINGING
363
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,279
♪ If your true love came passing by
364
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,719
♪ You'd fill him with drink
if he was dry
365
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,399
♪ At the well below the valley-o
366
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,199
♪ Green grows the lily-o
367
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,839
♪ Right among the bushes-o
368
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,800
♪ That's the end of my song... ♪
369
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,879
I don't know what that was.
370
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:03,000
I like songs.
371
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,839
And, you know, you said
before you like songs, so I thought,
372
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,279
the master likes songs,
I like songs, so...
373
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,680
That was a lie to win
Old Myers' confidence.
374
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,279
Yeah, I know.
Mine was a lie, too.
375
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,119
So you don't like music?
Hate music.
376
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,840
Right. So that performance...
377
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,319
Another lie.
378
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,960
A longer lie.
379
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,080
Huh.
380
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,799
Master Gideon!
381
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,279
What are you doing here?
382
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,199
Helping you. Stay there, Gooch.
383
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,199
You're not helping me.
You were helping by staying put.
384
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,679
Yes, but they've all
got it in their heads
385
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,839
that it's you
that killed Mr Stern.
386
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,439
So I thought,
I have to come and warn you
387
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,679
in case word reached
the Witchfinder General
388
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,519
before you'd had a chance
to explain.
389
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,359
And that was all your idea, was it?
Well, I was talking to Mr Hebble...
390
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,599
Hebble? Oh, my God. You and Hebble.
391
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:01,919
Hebble and Myers!
392
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,959
Sounds like a firm of
not very good undertakers.
393
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,719
Well, you didn't take long, did you?
394
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,439
What did he offer you?
395
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,279
Higher wage? Plush new saddle?
396
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,879
Those thimbles you keep going on
about? I am not working for him.
397
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,199
He has come with me because...
Hebble is with you?
398
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,559
Yes! He wants to help you.
He doesn't want to help me.
399
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:21,839
He wants to take my witch.
400
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,559
He wants to take my job
with the Witchfinder General!
401
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,839
Bugger me. Bugger, bugger, bugger.
402
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,879
Gooch! Come on, Gooch!
403
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,359
Hebble's here.
404
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:31,759
What's happening?
405
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,439
Goodness, Gideon!
406
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,239
Hebble knows what you're
going through.
407
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,599
When he was young, his father
was killed as a poacher!
408
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,959
He understands!
No, no, no, no, no. Hebble's father
409
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,479
is an actuary in Kidderminster.
410
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,959
I doubt he knows how to poach
an egg. What's happening?
411
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,919
His father is dead.
His father isn't dead.
412
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,679
I've met his bloody father. You've
met his father! What's going on?
413
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,999
You met him at the Carols, Myers!
Wake up! What's happening?
414
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,639
He's spun you a yarn
to earn your trust.
415
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,999
I think I've made a mistake.
A mistake? What's going on?
416
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,439
No, a mistake is when you miss
an L out of the word clock
417
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,759
when you're writing to your mother.
What's happening?
418
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,639
A mistake is when you try to milk a
bull. This isn't a mistake, Myers.
419
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,719
This is a foul-up.
What's going on?
420
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,279
Does he know where I'm going?
421
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,319
I think I might have...
You're unbelievable.
422
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,479
What's happening? I'll tell you
what's going on,
423
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,439
and I'll tell you what's happening.
Right?
424
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,599
Myers here is going to take Hebble
somewhere else.
425
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,719
You and I are going to hide.
Now. Now, now, Myers! Now. Come on.
426
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,799
What are you doing?
Hiding now. No...
427
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,399
What are you...? Stand up.
428
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,519
We need to find a large barrel,
or a haystack.
429
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,639
I'm not getting in a barrel.
Then a haystack it is.
430
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,159
I'm not getting in a haystack.
431
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,359
Your ex offered for us
to go to her house.
432
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,519
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
433
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,960
Believe me, we're not doing that.
That's ruled out.
434
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,920
Did you say SADDLE of lamb?
435
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,600
I've always wanted a house
with a corridor.
436
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,039
Love corridors.
437
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:53,239
Now, what I was saying about
getting married to Thomasine. Yes?
438
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,959
Well, have you got to know
the locals at all?
439
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,679
Well, not as much as we'd like.
440
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:03,279
They are a very god-fearing people,
in quite a mad way.
441
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:07,959
I've heard they execute suspected
witches without going to trial.
442
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,519
Well, one can't be too careful
when it comes to witches, can one?
443
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,359
So you knew about that, did you?
Oh, absolutely.
444
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,639
It's one of the reasons
we moved here.
445
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,959
Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying
about Thomasine?
446
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,199
Oh, nothing, I don't think.
447
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,279
This is my husband, Rex.
448
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,600
As in...
449
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,919
..Oedipus Rex?
450
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,599
I'm a friend of your mother's.
451
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,279
Your wife's. Hello.
You must be Gideon.
452
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:32,759
And I must be going.
453
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,959
Going? Going where?
Word is there's a witch in the Vale,
454
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,239
along with a corrupted witchfinder.
455
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,039
Get lost! Mmm. I'm off to find
some men to help hunt them down.
456
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,319
Care to join, Gideon?
Does it have to be you?
457
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,759
We've got guests,
for goodness' sake. Good point.
458
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,959
Oh, do stay, Rex. I shall find
something for Thomasine to wear,
459
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,640
and you can entertain Gideon.
Entertain? What?
460
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,999
You know how many windows
we have here?
461
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,599
Oh, er, forty...
462
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,039
112.
463
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,999
112 windows.
464
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,599
Well, 1-1-2.
465
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,679
You like swords?
466
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,319
A classic cut-and-thrust two-edged
sword by Kenneth's of Hounslow.
467
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,359
Observe the half-basket hilt.
468
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:15,879
And the blade...
469
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,759
..32 inches. 32.
470
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,799
32 inches. Two edges. 112 windows.
471
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,039
Some numbers.
472
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,399
A pair of French rapiers.
473
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,879
Lighter, for the weak-wristed
swordsman. Hmm? Hmm.
474
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,199
Do you know why the foil
came to prominence? No, sir.
475
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,199
Goes through chainmail.
476
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:37,239
Oh. And like that,
rendered chainmail obsolete.
477
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,279
I was wondering why chainmail
have been rendered obsolete.
478
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,639
Well, there you are.
479
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:45,879
Ah! Now, this bespoke mortuary
sword was given to me
480
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,839
by Oliver Cromwell himself.
481
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,439
You met Oliver Cromwell?
Yes. At Naseby?
482
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,599
No, Dorothy and I met him socially.
483
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,759
What did he say? Was he nice?
484
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,359
Do you mind if I don't tell
you, actually?
485
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:01,879
I just feel it would be indiscreet
to divulge what was said
486
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,719
in a private conversation.
Totally. Absolutely fine.
487
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,319
I just feel discretion is important.
488
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,759
No, I was just...
That's just something I feel. Mmm.
489
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,239
I'm not asking you to say exactly
what he said,
490
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,119
just looking for
a general impression. Hmm.
491
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,760
Or does that fall under the same
proto...? Yes, I think it does.
492
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,080
Dick.
493
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,639
Oh! Smell that food.
494
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,479
Now, remember, how you behave
reflects upon me.
495
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:34,719
I think I'll be all right.
496
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:38,399
A guy in my village used to host big
feasts when he found dead livestock,
497
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,440
so I have used forks.
498
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,640
"I have used forks."
499
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,480
No-one matching that description?
500
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,319
Alice! There you are.
501
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,319
Oh, I just needed the privy, love.
No matter.
502
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,559
Don't know why I keep needing to go.
It's fine.
503
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,719
I think it might be the cart
thumping against it.
504
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,559
You know, like when you squeeze
a pig's bladder full...
505
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,880
It's fine.
506
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,639
So what did he say? Who?
507
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,480
Master Gideon!
Seemed in quite a hurry.
508
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,880
Was that not him I saw riding away?
509
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,679
Cumberlidge! The cart.
510
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,120
Do you want one?
No, thank you.
511
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,120
Let us begin.
512
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:41,279
Dear Lord, we give thanks
for the food we are about...
513
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,839
CRUNCHING
514
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,920
Oh, sorry.
515
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:49,879
So sorry.
516
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:55,319
Dear Lord, we give thanks
for the food we are about to enjoy.
517
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,919
Amen. Amen. Just to explain
the grace mix-up...
518
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,959
No! No, I'd like to. I'd like to.
No, really. I'd like to.
519
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,399
We said grace immediately
before we encountered you,
520
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:09,719
and I think Thomasine thought that
carried over, not unreasonably.
521
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,879
I think most people agree that Grace
applies for around about...
522
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,159
Thank you... 45 minutes,
there or thereabouts,
523
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,559
before you have to re-utter.
524
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,479
So I think she was eating
within that window. My God!
525
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,719
Do my eyes deceive me? Father!
526
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,599
Gideon Bannister!
527
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,640
We've not had the pleasure since...
528
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:31,479
Oh, yes, when we decided
that you and Dorothy should...
529
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,399
Yes. Yeah. Sorry about that.
530
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,439
No idea you'd...
531
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,319
Well, it didn't feel good.
532
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:41,680
Well, anyway... Genuinely never seen
a grown man cry like that.
533
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,599
Sobering, sobering.
534
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,399
But how are things?
535
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,439
I rather imagined that you'd end up
at home
536
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,600
helping your father with his...
537
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,999
Was it butterflies? Bees. Bees.
That's it.
538
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,680
Is that where you ended up?
539
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:01,879
Yeah.
540
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,479
Oh, good for you.
541
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:04,919
Follow your passion.
542
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:09,039
Too many men these days, they just
want a bit of stature or renown.
543
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,399
You know that Rex fought at Naseby?
544
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,119
Yes, he mentioned that,
and I enjoyed listening to that.
545
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,519
Not too late to join up.
Join up?
546
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,039
Do you remember when he ran away
from that squirrel?
547
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:20,439
LAUGHTER
548
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,839
I was going in that direction
anyway, but yes.
549
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,959
Oh, forgive me.
Father, Thomasine.
550
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,919
Thomasine and Gideon
have just got married.
551
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:34,079
Very pleased.
Oh! And it's Thomasine...?
552
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:35,260
BURPS
553
00:24:35,261 --> 00:24:36,439
Sorry. Gooch.
554
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,959
Trying to think if I know
the Gooch family.
555
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:40,399
Do you have family, Thomasine?
556
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,079
Well, never mind about her family.
Let's talk about your family.
557
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:44,479
How are your family?
558
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,759
Well, Uncle Francis
is Uncle Francis. Of course, yes.
559
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:52,039
Still burying his money
lest the Crown should steal it.
560
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,479
He's a bit of an eccentric.
561
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,799
Well, I'm all for eccentrics.
562
00:24:56,800 --> 00:25:01,119
I have an uncle, Jeremy,
who won't have clocks in the house.
563
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:05,039
Oh! I've got an uncle that
fell in love with a scarecrow.
564
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,600
- LAUGHTER
- The only thing is,
565
00:25:06,603 --> 00:25:09,479
He couldn't accept that the
scarecrow didn't love him back. Oh!
566
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:13,079
And he spent all day with it,
stroking it, talking to it.
567
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,439
We just thought it was Brian
being Brian,
568
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,719
until he started getting intimate
with it.
569
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,279
And we said, "Brian,
you can't be doing this,
570
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,079
"not in an open field
with kids watching."
571
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,479
And he'd be crying, going, "Oh, but
the heart wants the heart wants."
572
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,119
And we said, "Well, Brian,
does that still apply
573
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,199
"when it's, you know, furniture?"
574
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,559
And he just got worse and worse
575
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,439
and he ended up hanging himself.
576
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:38,279
Very lonely man.
577
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,199
Might give the chutney a go.
578
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,359
And where's your family estate?
579
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,679
Banham, but I wouldn't call it
an estate. Oh, I would.
580
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,039
I absolutely would.
It's an estate. It has grounds.
581
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,399
Well, it's got a bit of grass
out the back for the dog to go.
582
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,759
Got to say,
this beetroot tops the lot.
583
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,039
It's fine. It's fine.
584
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,680
Never let it be said
we do not enjoy a joke at table.
585
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:00,559
I enjoy...
586
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,199
Do you know calembour?
587
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,119
It's a kind of French pun,
588
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,359
and yes, I have several
up my sleeve.
589
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,399
Oh! I will often have the table
roaring, won't I?
590
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,759
Oh, roaring.
591
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,719
I've got a joke!
Well, the calem...
592
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,319
A man walks into an alehouse...
593
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:18,039
Yes... so drunk that he's sick
all over himself.
594
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,439
He goes, "Oh, me wife's going to be
so cross with me!
595
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,279
"I've gone out and got drunk again."
And the landlord turns to him
596
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:26,959
and says, "Here, take that shilling,
yeah, put it in your top pocket,
597
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,479
"say another bloke
was sick on your shirt
598
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,719
"and he gave you a shilling
to get a new shirt."
599
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:33,999
"Oh, yeah, I'll do that.
I'll do that."
600
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,559
So he goes home and his wife
sees him and she is...
601
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,039
She's livid.
602
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,279
She goes, "Look at the state of you!
You went out and got drunk again."
603
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,479
He went, "No, no, no, it wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
604
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:45,999
"It was another bloke.
605
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,799
"And what happened is he gave me
a shilling for a new shirt."
606
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,559
She goes, "Why's there
two shillings, then? And he says,
607
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:53,759
"Because he shat in my pants
as well."
608
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:55,359
LAUGHS
609
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:56,719
Forgive me.
610
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:58,799
How could one man defecate
611
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,799
in trousers still being worn
by another man?
612
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:05,359
I suspect the absurdity
is rather the point, yes?
613
00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:07,879
Oh, I see.
614
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,599
And was this a friend of yours?
615
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,799
I hope you don't mind my asking,
but, er...
616
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,680
..is she a, er...
617
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,599
..peasant? A peasant? Oh, God, no.
Yeah, I am.
618
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,639
Oh, well, how splendid.
619
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,679
Do you know, I don't think
we've ever had one at table before.
620
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,399
What didn't you say, Gideon?
We could have provided a spoon.
621
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:29,039
She has used forks. No!
622
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,439
Good for you, Gideon,
because it can work.
623
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:35,159
You know, Lord Bodman married a
milkmaid, and he had three children.
624
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,879
Mmm, good breeders, the poor.
625
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:40,319
Do you people tend to
live long or...?
626
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,279
Does she know numbers?
627
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:44,759
Ask her yourself.
Do you know numbers?
628
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,399
Well, yeah. I mean, I do know
stuff. I just can't read,
629
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,439
but I want to learn. Sorry?
630
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,320
I want to learn how to read.
631
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,719
Yes!
632
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,039
You had me taken in for a second
there!
633
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,599
Me too! Oh, I didn't want to say!
634
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,879
That's bloody convincing, actually.
635
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:07,759
It's the absurdity again,
isn't it, Rex?
636
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,039
You can imagine them, you know,
in the field,
637
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:13,199
there they are,
trying to read a potato.
638
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:14,919
Very good!
639
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,359
I think we have to go now.
640
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,759
Dorothy, Mr Harvey,
it's been a pleasure.
641
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:23,760
Hear, hear. And seriously,
congratulations on the peasant.
642
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:28,759
Little gift to say thank you.
643
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:29,880
Some honey.
644
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,520
This is honey?
645
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,879
White honey, yeah. White honey?
646
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:41,839
Never heard of it.
Where did you get it from?
647
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:43,319
Oh, we got it from...
648
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:44,919
Ramscock. Ramscock.
649
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:48,200
It's a local delicacy,
only for the discerning palate.
650
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,160
Well, we shall be on our way.
651
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:56,079
Mmm!
652
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:57,559
Interesting.
653
00:28:57,560 --> 00:28:59,280
Well, it's interesting, isn't it?
654
00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:02,800
I've had that before.
51467
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