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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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I now call this meeting
of NO MA'AM to order.
2
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In honor of brother Griff's
one-year anniversary...
3
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,396
...as a member of NO MA'AM...
4
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,717
...we must now think of a practical joke
to play on him.
5
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,599
I don't remember anybody
pulling a practical joke on me.
6
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,635
Remember on the expressway
when your brakes failed...
7
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...and you almost died?
8
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,438
That was us.
9
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,396
All right, gentlemen, gentlemen.
10
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,397
Brother Dan, it was your job...
11
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,955
...to keep brother Griff
away from tonight's meeting.
12
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,078
I don't remember anybody keeping me
away from any meeting.
13
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,795
Remember when Dan accidentally
shot you in the back...
14
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,074
...and you were hospitalized
for seven weeks?
15
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:07,719
That was us.
16
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,796
Good one, guys.
17
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,553
So what did you do to Griff?
18
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,558
- Oh, I just had him arrested.
- What's the charge?
19
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,158
Indecent exposure, murder,
cannibalism.
20
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,078
Great work, brother Dan.
21
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,676
And that'll give us a lot of time
to think of a great joke to play on him.
22
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:35,391
Now, I think it's only fitting
that the joke come from me...
23
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,795
...since I am
the king of practical jokes.
24
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:39,632
No, I'm the king.
25
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,719
Wearing a quilted robe
and sitting on a throne all day...
26
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:45,876
...doesn't make you a king.
27
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,559
I say we have 10 pizzas sent
to brother Griff's apartment.
28
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,075
How does he do it?
29
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:58,551
I say that we hire a cross-dresser
to pick up Griff...
30
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,639
...and seduce him
while we get it on tape.
31
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,434
That doesn't compare to pizzas.
32
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,955
All those who are in favor
of my practical joke?
33
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,717
- All those in favor of mine?
- Yeah!
34
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:18,030
Well, Al, I guess it's obvious
where we go from here.
35
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,955
Yes, it is. You know what? Get the hell
out of my house! Meeting is adjourned.
36
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,353
- Sore loser.
- Anyway...
37
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,751
Oh, well. I guess I better
go spring Griff from jail.
38
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,190
Well, it's doughnut night
at the nudie bar.
39
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,029
Every hooter is either glazed
or jelly-filled.
40
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,916
Griff can wait.
41
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,830
I was robbed.
My pizza joke was better.
42
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:46,119
Yeah, yeah. You're right, Al.
You the man. Let's shake on it.
43
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,115
I gotcha!
44
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,632
You got me, buddy. You're right.
You're the king of practical jokes.
45
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,831
- Nuts?
- Oh, thanks.
46
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,437
Gotcha!
47
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,756
Okay. Okay, Al.
48
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,757
I challenge you to a duel.
49
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,514
May the best joker win.
50
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,951
Let's rock.
51
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,078
This news bulletin just in.
52
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:21,159
The Chicago Cannibal has beenarraigned for over 100 murders.
53
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,271
The cannibal, shown in this picture...
54
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,518
...says he's innocent,claiming there is no evidence.
55
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:35,714
The D A responded by saying,"evidence, schmevidence."
56
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:40,273
Hey, Bud. Guess who's been arrested
for eating people?
57
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,836
Who, Tommy Lasorda?
58
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,597
Listen, Kelly, can you please explain
to me the outgoing message...
59
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,995
...on our new answering machine?
60
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,636
Hi, you've reached Kelly.Please leave a message at the tone.
61
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:57,628
If you're a girl calling for Bud,hi, Mom!
62
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,400
That's not very funny
to me anymore--
63
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,030
You should see what I just did.
64
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:12,994
I just had 10 pizzas sent
to Jefferson's house.
65
00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:18,510
I am the king of practical jokes.
66
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,870
Oh, my God. It's Webster!
67
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,911
- Webster! Webster!
- Oh, my God!
68
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,955
I don't think so.
69
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,596
Al Bundy, I was sent here
from Publishers Sweepstakes...
70
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,951
...and you've just won $10 million!
71
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,878
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
72
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,920
And your mother's not here
to share our joy.
73
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:04,192
- Could life be any better?
- No!
74
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:07,068
Oh, what's going on?
75
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,716
Urkel here just gave me
10 million bucks.
76
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,359
Congratulations. What are you
gonna do with all the money?
77
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,353
I'm gonna quit my job,
burn down this house...
78
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,120
...and live out my days
on Hooter Island.
79
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,430
Well, on an occasion like this,
there's only one thing to say:
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00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,910
Gotcha!
81
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,191
All right, cannibal,
we know you ate those people.
82
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,549
Now confess!
83
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,473
I haven't eaten anyone!
84
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,760
I don't even like ribs.
85
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,318
Call my ex-wife.
86
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,551
We did.
She said she once caught you...
87
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,877
...pouring chocolate syrup
on her best friend.
88
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,990
That wasn't cannibalism,
that was adultery.
89
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:14,314
Look. Let me call my friend Al.
He'll prove I'm innocent.
90
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,190
And will you please stop erasing
the messages before I hear them...
91
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,312
...you human futon.
92
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:29,394
Bud, you didn't get any messages.
Believe me.
93
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,239
With my eagle ears,
I listen very carefully...
94
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:36,228
...to each and every message
before I erase them.
95
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:41,239
Al, it's Griff. You gotta help me.I'm in--
96
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,594
Besides, Bud,
your girlfriends can't call you here.
97
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:52,510
You have to call them,
and it costs $3.95 a minute.
98
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,475
Kids, kids.
99
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,357
I just pulled the ultimate practical joke
on Jefferson.
100
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,512
What? You sent him 20 pizzas?
101
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,033
No, that'd be stupid. He's full.
102
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,750
No, I put superglue
on his toilet seat.
103
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,477
Oh, what kind of moron
would fall for that old gag?
104
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,395
Mark my words, Al,
as soon as I can sit down...
105
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:34,513
...and think of something,
you will pay!
106
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:42,758
Damn it, Kelly, today I know
I had a message because...
107
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,073
Because I called myself.
108
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:53,553
Well, then you already have
a date for tonight.
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00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:00,796
Home, sweet hell.
110
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:05,669
Kids are fighting, dog's a-biting...
111
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,672
...and a good-looking babe
in the kitchen cooking me dinner.
112
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,557
A woman cooking me dinner? Kids?
113
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,956
Oh, she said
she's an old friend of Mom's.
114
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,720
What the hell did you let her in for?
115
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,232
Al, I'm June Morgan.
116
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:32,877
I ran into Peggy in Barcelona, and she
told me you were all alone in Chicago.
117
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:38,518
So I thought I would come by
and fix you a gourmet dinner.
118
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,399
Oh, Weenie Tots.
119
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:44,878
You know, Al, looking around...
120
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,833
...I can see several things
that could use a woman's touch.
121
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,349
If you know what I mean?
122
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,714
With vittles as classy as these,
you can stick around...
123
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,070
...and touch anything you want.
124
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,910
Okay, I will.
125
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,753
Daddy!
126
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,030
You can't let that woman
spend the night here.
127
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,800
- What about Mom?
- What about her?
128
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,868
Body's not even cold yet.
129
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:19,032
You've obviously never slept
with your mother.
130
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,709
Oh, come on, kids. Don't you get it?
June's not a friend of your mom's.
131
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,832
She's all part
of Jefferson's practical joke.
132
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,271
You know, like Rerun
and that phony check.
133
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,393
So you'll call Mr. D'Arcy
and tell him you're on to his joke?
134
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,989
No. I'm gonna beat him
at his own game.
135
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:41,917
Oh, you're gonna pretend to like
Mrs. D'Arcy and take all her money?
136
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:47,950
No, I'm gonna let June seduce me.
But first, we're gonna eat like royalty.
137
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,118
- Yeah.
- Weenie Tots. Come on, come on!
138
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,000
I didn't eat nobody.
139
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,958
In national news, with the captureof the notorious Chicago Cannibal--
140
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:29,151
- Daddy, guess who's in prison?
- Unless it's Pauly Shore, I do not care.
141
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,874
Bud, get up here.
142
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,869
All right, now, this is the plan.
143
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,197
When June comes down here,
she's going to try to seduce me.
144
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,829
You two will be outside videotaping.
145
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,390
What about--?
What about the walls, Dad?
146
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,115
Because we can't shoot
through the walls.
147
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,032
Bud, you will be videotaping.
148
00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:02,314
Now, Jefferson thinks
that I will only go so far with June.
149
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,397
At which point,
he will declare victory...
150
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:08,070
...and tell everyone that I'm not man
enough to cheat on my wife. Instead...
151
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,477
...I will go on the attack,
making June back up.
152
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,830
At which point,
I will declare victory...
153
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:18,113
...and proudly tell everyone that I am
man enough to cheat on my wife.
154
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,674
Now, let's go get set up.
155
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,199
Come on.
156
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,517
At least when I get married,
I get to change my name.
157
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:33,196
Yeah, this time you should try
to change it to one you can spell.
158
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,595
Al, it's me, Peggy.
159
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,711
Honey, I just ran into June Morgan...
160
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,309
...an old rival of minefrom Wanker County.
161
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,437
She's held a grudgeagainst me for years...
162
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,950
...just because I stole her fiancéon her wedding day.
163
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,709
I've seen 15 Murder, She Wrotes
that started like this.
164
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,589
And get this:
165
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:03,669
She swears she's gonna get evenby stealing you away from me.
166
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,151
Alsy?
167
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,598
Can you believe it?
I forgot to pack a dress.
168
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,200
Well, we all make mistakes.
169
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,997
I forgot to ice down this six-pack
of champagne tallboys.
170
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,596
For you, my sweet.
171
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,319
What's going on?
172
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:46,518
Well, Dad just poured
a can of champagne into his hand.
173
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:50,030
Oh, I've made men do that.
174
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:57,315
- Your arms, they're so strong.
- Well, I sell women's shoes.
175
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,195
Yeah, I can tell.
176
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:04,552
All right. I think we've had about
enough foreplay.
177
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:09,758
What's happening now?
178
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,555
She's got Dad's entire face
in her mouth.
179
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,312
Take me, Al.
Take me in the worst way!
180
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,597
That's the only way I know how.
181
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,075
- June.
- What?
182
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,191
June, we-- We can't do this.
183
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:41,992
Why not?
184
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,356
Yeah, why not?
185
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,471
I can't let Jefferson win.
186
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,558
But he's hired someone so good,I have to think of something...
187
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:54,709
...so horrible, so vile, so disgustingshe'll run screaming from the house.
188
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,717
I know.
189
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,039
June, June.
190
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,071
Marry me.
191
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,629
You can't do it, can you?
192
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,719
No. You're already married to Peggy.
193
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:16,628
Was married.
194
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:21,277
Yeah, she got
a quickie Spanish divorce.
195
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,830
That's why she's in Spain.
196
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,638
So what is your answer?
197
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,715
Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!
198
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,832
Today's trial of the Chicago Cannibalmade history.
199
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,958
In only eight minutes...
200
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:46,312
...he was tried, convicted,and sentenced to die tonight.
201
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,228
Well, this is great.
202
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,159
Everybody's here but my best man.
Where's Griff?
203
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,038
Griff? Griff?
204
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,276
Wasn't there something
I was supposed to do?
205
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,755
Hell with it.
It's not a matter of life and death.
206
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,994
Hey, preacher man, you made it.
207
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,670
Are we lucky or what?
208
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:23,351
Isaac from The Love Boat
is also an ordained minister.
209
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:29,918
And look, Free Willy
is also the dork of honor.
210
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:34,636
Let's get this freak show
on the road.
211
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,153
- Hey, Jefferson.
- Hey, Al.
212
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,595
How come you're not dressed
for a wedding?
213
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,114
What wedding?
214
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,312
Didn't your friend June
tell you all about it?
215
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,080
If that's her real name.
216
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,318
I don't know any June.
217
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,236
Of course you don't.
218
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,998
Hey, Ike. Ike, who's getting married?
219
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:06,708
Oh, you are good. You are real good.
220
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,277
We are gathered here today...
221
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,552
...to join this couple...
222
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,273
...in holy matrimony.
223
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,710
Yadda yadda yadda, June,
blah blah blah, Al...
224
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,195
...blah blah blah, sight of God.
225
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:56,753
Oh, this is so beautiful.
226
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:01,150
I want my first wedding
to be just like it.
227
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,909
June, do you take Al to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
228
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,273
Here it comes.
229
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,119
She'll never say "I do."
230
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,117
I do.
231
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,077
She do.
232
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:21,395
Al, do you take June to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
233
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,590
What do you want me to say,
Jefferson?
234
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,833
You want me to say you're king?
I won't say it. I'm not gonna say it.
235
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,473
Admit that this is your little joke!
236
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,317
It's not.
237
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,318
This is my joke.
238
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,159
Hi, Al.
239
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,279
- Mom!
- Mom!
240
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,432
I do.
241
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,475
- Who is this woman?
- She's nobody.
242
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:17,434
Just my wife.
Hurry up with the ring, boy!
243
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:22,399
- What is going on here?
- Well, Peg, it all started with 10 pizzas.
244
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,073
Shut up, Al.
245
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,551
June Morgan, how dare you?
246
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,314
Well, you stole my fiancé
at the Wanker wedding hole.
247
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,199
Get over it. We were 12.
248
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,949
All right, here's the last
of the duty-free doodie.
249
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,029
Al, I'm gonna go hitch a winch...
250
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:54,030
...up to Mama's girdle
and twang her on out of here.
251
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:59,194
What the hell's going on here?
252
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,677
It's Jefferson's fault.
He told me I won $10 million.
253
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,589
Yeah, well, you superglued
a toilet seat to my ass.
254
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,750
What's a toilet seat?
255
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,433
Didn't you get the message
I left you on the answering machine?
256
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,074
What's an answering machine?
257
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:19,471
No, no. Nobody seems to get the
messages off that answering machine.
258
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,752
- Oh, so this is all my fault, then?
- Oh, no, honey.
259
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,195
Once again,
this is your father's fault.
260
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,637
You know what you're gonna have to do
to make this up to me, don't you?
261
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,394
Oh, no, Peg!
262
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,709
Not upstairs!
263
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:39,159
Oh, no, honey.
We're gonna do it standing up.
264
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,108
Right here in front of everyone.
265
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:58,350
For the 37th time, Bundy, do you take
this woman to be your wife?
266
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:04,397
For the thirty-seventh,
- eighth and -ninth times:
267
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,837
No, no, no.
268
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:12,073
Come on, Al. It's not like
we're really getting married.
269
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:16,671
We're just renewing our vows.
Besides, Dad's got you covered.
270
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,232
Just like old times, eh, Ephraim?
271
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:30,195
Only this time, the gun is loaded.
272
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,155
And so am I.
273
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,108
- Well, Bundy?
- I'm not saying it.
274
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,392
The drunken hillbilly's gonna
have to kill me before I say it again.
275
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,911
- Say what?
- "I do."
276
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,913
- Gotcha!
- No, Peg, that doesn't count!
277
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,350
Oh, Al.
21933
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