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1
00:00:02,695 --> 00:00:05,163
# Once in every lifetime
2
00:00:05,335 --> 00:00:07,895
# Comes a love like this
3
00:00:08,055 --> 00:00:10,410
# Oh, I need you, you need me
4
00:00:10,575 --> 00:00:12,884
# Oh, my darling, can't you see?
5
00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:14,966
# Young ones
6
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# Darling, we're the young ones
7
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# The young ones
8
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(RICK) # Shouldn't be afraid
9
00:00:23,535 --> 00:00:26,766
# To live, love
10
00:00:26,935 --> 00:00:28,732
# There's a song to be sung
11
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# 'Cause we may notbe the young ones very long #
12
00:00:38,895 --> 00:00:42,285
- Michael?
- Don't broadcast the handle, Vyv.
13
00:00:43,295 --> 00:00:46,446
My safety means nothing,
but the innocent must be protected.
14
00:00:46,615 --> 00:00:48,287
Uh... Right.
15
00:00:49,295 --> 00:00:51,525
Andrea?
16
00:00:51,695 --> 00:00:55,165
- Yes?
- Do you think ants go to discos?
17
00:00:55,935 --> 00:00:58,733
Vyvyan, it's proved that
ants are highly intelligent,
18
00:00:58,895 --> 00:01:01,090
with a well-ordered society.
19
00:01:01,255 --> 00:01:03,211
Why would they go to discos?
20
00:01:03,375 --> 00:01:07,527
Well, why is that one wearing
a silver boob tube, then?
21
00:01:08,255 --> 00:01:11,133
Simple, Vyvyan. You're talking crap.
22
00:01:11,295 --> 00:01:16,210
(LAUGHS) You'd have to get up pretty
early to catch you out, Michael.
23
00:01:16,375 --> 00:01:18,809
You'd have to stay up all night.
24
00:01:19,855 --> 00:01:21,971
God, I'm bored.
25
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:28,254
Term only finished four hours ago
and already I'm bored.
26
00:01:41,295 --> 00:01:44,685
# School's out foreverI #
27
00:01:45,815 --> 00:01:49,854
Yeah, let all your hairs hang out!
Do whatever you want!
28
00:01:50,015 --> 00:01:51,846
What's all the excitement, Rick?
29
00:01:52,015 --> 00:01:56,213
Has education been cut altogether?
That's the reason I voted Tory.
30
00:01:56,375 --> 00:02:01,608
We're on holiday! I finished my last
exam and the summer term is over!
31
00:02:01,775 --> 00:02:04,448
Over? I didn't know it had started.
32
00:02:04,615 --> 00:02:06,287
Oh, yes, Michael. That's right.
33
00:02:06,455 --> 00:02:10,926
Your tutor said that
if you don't turn up again next year,
34
00:02:11,095 --> 00:02:13,848
then he and the Dean
might reconsider your grant.
35
00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:18,372
Well, tell him that I've still got
the photographs of him and the Dean.
36
00:02:19,495 --> 00:02:22,328
I'll ask for one of those PhDs next year.
37
00:02:22,495 --> 00:02:25,134
Ah! Summer holidays.
38
00:02:25,295 --> 00:02:29,493
Twelve weeks with nothing to do,
and the sun's shining already.
39
00:02:30,615 --> 00:02:35,689
Hey, it's like when you were little,
in the garden in your underpants.
40
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:40,485
And you used to put fruit down them
and pretend to be pirates.
41
00:02:40,655 --> 00:02:42,725
Then, when your parents went out,
42
00:02:42,895 --> 00:02:48,094
you used to take off your clothes
and wriggle around in the sandpit.
43
00:02:51,575 --> 00:02:56,285
- Oh, great! Here comes Neil!
- It was terrible.
44
00:02:56,455 --> 00:02:59,970
I sat there
and put my Polos on the desk...
45
00:03:00,135 --> 00:03:02,524
and my spare pencil
and my support gonk...
46
00:03:02,695 --> 00:03:05,334
and my chewing gum
and extra pen...
47
00:03:05,495 --> 00:03:07,725
and my extra Polos
and lucky gonk...
48
00:03:07,895 --> 00:03:10,932
and my pencil sharpener
shaped like a cracker...
49
00:03:11,095 --> 00:03:13,814
and three more gonks with Polos...
50
00:03:13,975 --> 00:03:16,091
and lead for my retractable pencil...
51
00:03:16,255 --> 00:03:17,927
and my retractable pencil...
52
00:03:18,095 --> 00:03:20,563
and spare lead
for my retractable pencil...
53
00:03:20,735 --> 00:03:24,887
and chewing gum and pencils
and pens and more gonks,
54
00:03:25,055 --> 00:03:27,933
and the guy said,
''Stop writing, please.''
55
00:03:30,135 --> 00:03:32,888
You must tell me
that story again sometime.
56
00:03:33,055 --> 00:03:36,092
Neil, you've got
the intelligence of an ant.
57
00:03:36,255 --> 00:03:41,409
Has he? Neil, do you go to discos?
58
00:03:42,415 --> 00:03:46,852
Did you know that humans
can actually build bridges?
59
00:03:47,015 --> 00:03:50,291
Really?
How do they get them into the disco?
60
00:03:52,735 --> 00:03:56,489
One of the great things about summer
is tea on the lawn.
61
00:03:57,495 --> 00:04:01,966
Unless you're an ant,
in which case, it's a real bottomer.
62
00:04:02,135 --> 00:04:05,844
No, Vyvyan, it's a bummer.
Summer is a bummer.
63
00:04:06,015 --> 00:04:08,893
Oh, God, Neil! You're such a killjoy.
64
00:04:09,055 --> 00:04:12,013
Hey, I know what Neil writes
in public lavatories.
65
00:04:12,175 --> 00:04:14,735
''Look out. Killjoy was here.''
66
00:04:15,375 --> 00:04:17,366
Yeah, that's a really good idea.
67
00:04:17,535 --> 00:04:21,687
Let's all bring Neil down.
That'd relieve the boredom.
68
00:04:21,855 --> 00:04:23,846
Would it? OK.
69
00:04:24,015 --> 00:04:28,167
Um... Shut up Neil,
you ugly poo-faced git!
70
00:04:28,335 --> 00:04:30,530
- Your turn, Michael.
- Oh, thanks, Vyv.
71
00:04:30,695 --> 00:04:35,291
What's ugly, smelly, boring, and is
standing in front of me called Neil?
72
00:04:37,095 --> 00:04:39,211
- Me.
- Perfectly correct.
73
00:04:40,175 --> 00:04:44,851
- You all really hate me, don't you?
- Yes, we do, Neil.
74
00:04:45,015 --> 00:04:47,734
That is,
when we can remember who you are...
75
00:04:47,895 --> 00:04:50,693
Um...thingummyjig!
76
00:04:51,455 --> 00:04:53,889
(ROARS)
77
00:05:18,575 --> 00:05:21,567
(VYVYAN) What's happened
to your clothes, Neil?
78
00:05:24,255 --> 00:05:28,612
I think I'd better go
and lie down for a bit, actually.
79
00:05:28,775 --> 00:05:32,404
God, I hate him.
He's a bore, he's a sneak,
80
00:05:32,575 --> 00:05:37,012
- and he's a bloody eavesdropper.
- I heard that, Rick.
81
00:05:37,175 --> 00:05:39,530
- Henry?
- Shut your face, saucepan-tits!
82
00:05:39,695 --> 00:05:42,607
Can't you see I'm busy?
Darren, stop that!
83
00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:46,370
Yes, don't put your tongue
in Rover's ear. It's unhygienic.
84
00:05:46,535 --> 00:05:49,129
I only want to taste his brains.
85
00:05:49,295 --> 00:05:53,004
- (SCREECHES) La-de-da-de-da!
- All right, Granny? Granny?
86
00:05:53,175 --> 00:05:57,054
- She's doing her voodoo.
- Can I go out?
87
00:05:57,215 --> 00:06:00,890
I shouldn't think so.
I've nailed your feet to the floor.
88
00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:03,649
- La-de-da-de-da!
- For Christ's sake, Rosemary,
89
00:06:03,815 --> 00:06:06,693
tell your mother to keep
that stupid bird quiet!
90
00:06:06,855 --> 00:06:09,813
Why don't you stick them both
in a home?
91
00:06:10,855 --> 00:06:12,686
(SHOUTS IN PAIN)
92
00:06:12,855 --> 00:06:17,167
- What's in this, you stupid bitch?
- Oh, for goodness' sake!
93
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,884
I don't know
who said you could use my room...
94
00:06:21,055 --> 00:06:24,684
- Actually, I've got a good idea.
- Me, too.
95
00:06:24,855 --> 00:06:26,607
(WHACK)
96
00:06:26,775 --> 00:06:29,926
(ROSEMARY) Nice here, though.
(HENRY) It's all right.
97
00:06:36,255 --> 00:06:37,973
Even mindless violence
seems boring today.
98
00:06:40,535 --> 00:06:43,925
No more English, no more French,
no more bloody anything at all.
99
00:06:48,535 --> 00:06:50,890
Where's Vyvyan?
100
00:06:51,055 --> 00:06:54,445
Well, he said he was going
to water his plant.
101
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:58,164
Strange that such a ruthless
and sadistic maniac as Vyvyan
102
00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,405
should care for a begonia.
103
00:07:01,415 --> 00:07:05,613
- He's had it two years.
- And it was dead when he got it.
104
00:07:05,775 --> 00:07:08,573
Still, he's watered it every day.
105
00:07:08,735 --> 00:07:12,569
He can't be bothered
to go upstairs to the lavatory.
106
00:07:12,735 --> 00:07:16,410
Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored!
107
00:07:17,455 --> 00:07:23,894
Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored!
108
00:07:24,055 --> 00:07:25,534
Bored!
109
00:07:27,695 --> 00:07:30,812
(LAUGHS)
Well, why don't we play a game?
110
00:07:30,975 --> 00:07:33,569
- Oh, boring!
- No, come along.
111
00:07:33,735 --> 00:07:37,125
What about Botticelli?
You have to guess the famous person.
112
00:07:37,295 --> 00:07:40,605
What about Jelly Botty,
where you have to eat 18 curries?
113
00:07:41,735 --> 00:07:43,885
Very, very amusing.
114
00:07:46,655 --> 00:07:49,328
No, come on. Come on.
Let's play Botticelli!
115
00:07:49,495 --> 00:07:51,486
Come on. I'll start.
116
00:07:52,535 --> 00:07:54,526
I'm ''A''.
117
00:07:54,695 --> 00:07:57,607
- What?
- No, I'm ''A''.
118
00:07:57,775 --> 00:07:59,367
- Banana.
- What?
119
00:07:59,535 --> 00:08:02,925
- You're ''a'' banana.
- No, you don't understand.
120
00:08:03,095 --> 00:08:05,370
- A moron?
- You've got it wrong.
121
00:08:05,535 --> 00:08:08,254
My name begins with the letter A.
122
00:08:08,415 --> 00:08:11,964
- Rick isn't your real name?
- Of course it is.
123
00:08:12,135 --> 00:08:16,128
- It begins with A?
- Of course not.
124
00:08:16,295 --> 00:08:20,334
- Could be a silent A.
- No, it's a silent P.
125
00:08:21,575 --> 00:08:22,894
What...? Oh, yes!
126
00:08:23,055 --> 00:08:27,526
Tee-hee, Vyvyan. Must be five minutes
since you made that joke.
127
00:08:27,695 --> 00:08:33,725
And I know who drew that thingummyjig
on the back of my curriculum vitae!
128
00:08:33,895 --> 00:08:36,329
They like to know your hobbies, Rick.
129
00:08:36,495 --> 00:08:39,055
Well, tiny things please tiny minds.
130
00:08:39,215 --> 00:08:42,207
With a thing that tiny, you'll be
hard put to please anything.
131
00:08:43,295 --> 00:08:47,288
Oh! Listen,
it's what you do with it that counts!
132
00:08:47,455 --> 00:08:51,494
Can we get on with the game?
This is getting tedious.
133
00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:56,604
- I was beginning to enjoy myself.
- I'll give you an example.
134
00:08:56,775 --> 00:09:01,769
Now, I think of a famous person,
right? Say Neil Armstrong.
135
00:09:01,935 --> 00:09:06,008
I give you the first letter
of their second name - ''A''.
136
00:09:06,175 --> 00:09:11,613
- Then you have to guess who I am.
- All right. Let me try.
137
00:09:11,775 --> 00:09:15,370
- Are you Neil Armstrong?
- No, no.
138
00:09:15,535 --> 00:09:19,733
I mean, yes, but you're not allowed
to ask me directly.
139
00:09:19,895 --> 00:09:24,685
You say something like,
''Were you the first man on the moon?''
140
00:09:24,855 --> 00:09:26,607
Were you the first man on the moon?
141
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:30,370
- Good. Now, say I don't know...
- Neil Armstrong.
142
00:09:30,535 --> 00:09:33,413
Yes, but supposing
I didn't know that.
143
00:09:33,575 --> 00:09:38,774
- You'd be stupid. I've told you.
- Yes, but say I'd forgotten,
144
00:09:38,935 --> 00:09:43,167
then you can ask me
if I'm a man or a woman.
145
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:48,566
- Pervert!
- Oh, this is getting stupid!
146
00:09:48,735 --> 00:09:51,090
Look, let's start again. I'm ''S''.
147
00:09:51,255 --> 00:09:55,453
''S''. Were you
the first man on the moon?
148
00:09:57,215 --> 00:10:01,128
Are you a 12th-century druid
and political activist?
149
00:10:01,295 --> 00:10:03,684
Ooh, yes! I know this one!
150
00:10:03,855 --> 00:10:07,768
Um... Oh, God!
It's on the tip of my tongue.
151
00:10:07,935 --> 00:10:10,847
Uh... no,
you'll have to tell me, Michael.
152
00:10:11,015 --> 00:10:13,051
- Ken Smith.
- Of course!
153
00:10:13,215 --> 00:10:15,649
- Are you dead or alive?
- Wait.
154
00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:20,331
A 12th-century druid and political
activist - Ken Smith? Are you sure?
155
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:24,852
- Of course. I only just made it up.
- Honestly, people!
156
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:27,973
- Are we playing properly...?
- I've got one.
157
00:10:28,135 --> 00:10:30,171
Do you make loads of money
158
00:10:30,335 --> 00:10:33,725
by sticking your fist
up a duck's bottom?
159
00:10:33,895 --> 00:10:38,730
No, I'm not Keith Harris! And his
name begins with H, you cheat!
160
00:10:38,895 --> 00:10:41,170
Wait, wait. Do you give up?
161
00:10:41,335 --> 00:10:43,803
Do we stop playing this stupid game?
162
00:10:43,975 --> 00:10:46,728
- Of course.
- (BOTH) We give up.
163
00:10:46,895 --> 00:10:49,932
- And I'm the best?
- (BOTH) Yes.
164
00:10:50,095 --> 00:10:52,768
Right. I'll tell you, then.
165
00:10:52,935 --> 00:10:55,654
I was Paul Squires!
166
00:10:57,695 --> 00:10:59,128
(BOTH) Who?
167
00:11:00,095 --> 00:11:01,972
Surprise!
168
00:11:08,775 --> 00:11:11,926
- I know. Let's play cricket!
- Yes!
169
00:11:13,295 --> 00:11:16,253
- Rick, you're the stumps.
- Thanks, Mike.
170
00:11:16,415 --> 00:11:18,610
- I'm what?
- Shut up, nerdy.
171
00:11:19,215 --> 00:11:21,171
Surprise!
172
00:11:24,495 --> 00:11:26,770
- What's a hippie worth? Six?
- Six?
173
00:11:26,935 --> 00:11:29,813
It would be six if you'd killed him.
174
00:11:29,975 --> 00:11:32,535
- Let's say two.
- Fair enough.
175
00:11:32,695 --> 00:11:36,210
- I don't want to play.
- Rick, shut up.
176
00:11:45,655 --> 00:11:47,407
- Howzat!
- Nice one.
177
00:11:47,575 --> 00:11:49,691
- You win.
- What's my prize?
178
00:11:49,855 --> 00:11:53,404
- The ashes. Just burn the stumps.
- Great.
179
00:11:56,495 --> 00:11:58,611
- Surprise!
- More of a shock, Neil.
180
00:11:58,775 --> 00:12:01,573
It's not every day somebody sets fire
to you during a cricket match.
181
00:12:03,735 --> 00:12:06,488
Shut up, Rick. No one's on fire.
182
00:12:06,655 --> 00:12:10,204
Neil, it's rare that you interest me,
but you have.
183
00:12:10,375 --> 00:12:14,004
Why do you keep coming in,
carrying a cake, saying, ''Surprise''?
184
00:12:14,175 --> 00:12:15,688
It's my birthday.
185
00:12:17,735 --> 00:12:20,807
You knew that and we don't care,
so where's the surprise?
186
00:12:20,975 --> 00:12:23,569
I baked a cake.
187
00:12:23,735 --> 00:12:26,488
A cake? Can a cake dance?
188
00:12:27,895 --> 00:12:33,049
Can it get you drunk? Will it let you
put your hand up its jumper?
189
00:12:33,215 --> 00:12:36,332
I don't know, Mike,
but we're having a party,
190
00:12:36,495 --> 00:12:40,408
and you're invited, 'cause you're
my fr... Well, you pretend to be...
191
00:12:40,575 --> 00:12:44,363
Well, you don't even pretend
to be my friends. You hate me.
192
00:12:44,535 --> 00:12:50,053
If I was in hospital dying,
you wouldn't even bother to visit me.
193
00:12:50,215 --> 00:12:53,127
Just like my mother.
Everybody hates me.
194
00:12:53,295 --> 00:12:56,093
But we're having a party,
and you're here,
195
00:12:56,255 --> 00:12:58,689
so you might as well
enjoy yourselves.
196
00:12:58,855 --> 00:13:01,733
(MAN) Stop thatI Stop it nowI
197
00:13:01,895 --> 00:13:06,286
Go on. Rub it off.Oh, now look what you've doneI
198
00:13:06,455 --> 00:13:09,925
Get the picture backbefore Elephant Head starts singingI
199
00:13:10,095 --> 00:13:12,529
Oh, too lateI
200
00:13:13,895 --> 00:13:15,886
# Think it over
201
00:13:17,895 --> 00:13:21,444
# Stop, in the name of love #
202
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:26,047
Hi, Vyv. Having a good time?
203
00:13:26,215 --> 00:13:27,728
Yeah. Great.
204
00:13:27,895 --> 00:13:31,854
Great. Uh... I'm glad
you could make it to my party.
205
00:13:32,015 --> 00:13:33,971
Well, thanks for inviting me, Neil.
206
00:13:34,135 --> 00:13:37,969
I so rarely get a chance
to go out these days.
207
00:13:38,135 --> 00:13:42,492
Yeah, great. Oh, excuse me.
208
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:46,364
I just have to go and circulate.
209
00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,730
Catch you later, OK?
210
00:13:51,135 --> 00:13:53,888
Hi, Mike. It's going well, isn't it?
211
00:13:54,055 --> 00:13:58,173
I was worried before.
You know how you get before a party.
212
00:13:58,335 --> 00:14:01,168
''Is everyone going to turn up?''
213
00:14:01,335 --> 00:14:04,964
- This is great, isn't it?
- Yeah.
214
00:14:06,615 --> 00:14:10,528
Yeah, and just about everyone
I invited is here.
215
00:14:10,695 --> 00:14:12,970
- Where's the booze?
- Yeah, hippie,
216
00:14:13,135 --> 00:14:15,285
where's the bloody lager?
217
00:14:15,695 --> 00:14:17,845
# I was drinking something puffy
218
00:14:18,015 --> 00:14:20,165
# And the girljust looked straight through me
219
00:14:20,335 --> 00:14:23,008
# So I had a pint of Hawk
220
00:14:23,175 --> 00:14:24,893
# And now she's gonna screw me #
221
00:14:27,295 --> 00:14:30,924
What about Babycham?
One glass of that and I'm anybody's!
222
00:14:31,975 --> 00:14:35,729
Then it's a pity that absolutely
nobody wants you, then.
223
00:14:35,895 --> 00:14:39,854
Shut up,
or I'll tell everybody in this room
224
00:14:40,015 --> 00:14:43,894
that you've got an iron-on
cartoon worm on your Y-fronts
225
00:14:44,055 --> 00:14:46,364
that says ''girl bait.''
226
00:14:48,895 --> 00:14:51,773
Oh, you've been going through
my Y-fronts, have you?
227
00:14:51,935 --> 00:14:54,768
I suppose you fancy me, is that it?
228
00:14:56,015 --> 00:14:59,325
Yes! As a matter of fact, I do.
229
00:14:59,495 --> 00:15:05,843
I really fancy you, and I want to
give you a big kiss on the bottom!
230
00:15:06,735 --> 00:15:10,171
Urgh, Mike! Mike!
Vyvyan's gone all funny!
231
00:15:10,335 --> 00:15:13,486
Urgh! He says
he wants to kiss my bottom!
232
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:16,727
Oh, did I say kiss you on the bottom?
233
00:15:16,895 --> 00:15:20,729
I meant, ''Stick an axe
through your spinal column!''
234
00:15:21,415 --> 00:15:27,411
- Oh, no! My party's having a row!
- No booze, Neil. Tempers fray.
235
00:15:27,575 --> 00:15:30,806
Yeah, I'm very sober
and very, very bored!
236
00:15:30,975 --> 00:15:33,728
Wait. I know. TV time.
237
00:15:33,895 --> 00:15:35,328
Yeah.
238
00:15:37,255 --> 00:15:40,053
(MUSIC: ''GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'')
239
00:15:40,215 --> 00:15:43,207
Why are they closing down?
It's only half past nine.
240
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:46,606
- It's BBC1, Rick.
- Oh, right.
241
00:15:46,775 --> 00:15:48,845
Not this band again.
242
00:15:49,015 --> 00:15:52,087
They're always on! Crap!
243
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:55,213
What about some Hawkwind
or Marillion?
244
00:15:55,375 --> 00:15:59,766
Yeah, fascists! No one tells me
what time to go to bed!
245
00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:03,211
- Go to bed, spotty.
- Blimey!
246
00:16:03,375 --> 00:16:05,650
- (TESTSIGNAL)
- That's better.
247
00:16:06,815 --> 00:16:09,010
Oh, turn it off, Neil.
248
00:16:09,175 --> 00:16:11,928
No, this is really good.
(SINGS) Ooooh!
249
00:16:15,615 --> 00:16:17,685
(CRACKLES AND FIZZES)
250
00:16:17,855 --> 00:16:21,404
Oh, Vyvyan.
I was just getting into that.
251
00:16:21,575 --> 00:16:25,284
I'm bored and deserve to die.
This is the end.
252
00:16:25,455 --> 00:16:28,652
Armageddon! No future!
253
00:16:30,015 --> 00:16:31,653
Bastard!
254
00:16:41,615 --> 00:16:46,484
Well, thank goodness I haven't got to
stay with you ghastly so-and-sos.
255
00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:50,614
- I can't wait to get home.
- Oh, sorry. I forgot.
256
00:16:50,775 --> 00:16:53,812
- You had a phone call.
- Did I?
257
00:16:53,975 --> 00:16:57,490
It was probably Mummy,
asking what train I'll be getting.
258
00:16:57,655 --> 00:17:00,886
She gets so overexcited
when she hears I'm coming.
259
00:17:01,055 --> 00:17:03,888
She's probably started making
shepherd's pies already.
260
00:17:04,055 --> 00:17:07,604
Actually, I don't think she'll be
making any more shepherd's pies.
261
00:17:07,775 --> 00:17:10,608
And Daddy, so he's an old square
262
00:17:10,775 --> 00:17:14,768
and votes Tory, but he's got
where he is by hard slog,
263
00:17:14,935 --> 00:17:18,166
and he's got to
put tax concessions first.
264
00:17:18,335 --> 00:17:23,534
Daddy will be chuffed when he hears
about my exam results. Touch wood!
265
00:17:23,695 --> 00:17:28,564
We argue about politics all the time.
Did he ask about my exams?
266
00:17:28,735 --> 00:17:32,330
I don't think so.
He wouldn't be able to.
267
00:17:32,935 --> 00:17:39,170
I wonder if they've redecorated my bedroom,
because I'll never let them!
268
00:17:39,335 --> 00:17:41,849
Rick, your parents died this morning.
269
00:17:42,015 --> 00:17:46,372
I suppose it's a bit childish to have
aeroplanes on your wallpaper.
270
00:17:46,535 --> 00:17:51,211
But they are blue, and I am a boy!
At least I was last time I looked!
271
00:17:56,095 --> 00:18:01,010
- My parents are dead?
- So, I guess you're staying here.
272
00:18:01,575 --> 00:18:04,647
I... I can't believe it.
273
00:18:04,815 --> 00:18:07,170
My parents are dead.
274
00:18:07,335 --> 00:18:12,455
- You think that's bad?
- Yes, I do, actually, piss-face!
275
00:18:12,615 --> 00:18:16,847
- Shut up. You're ruining my holiday.
- What about my holiday?!
276
00:18:17,015 --> 00:18:19,051
Both my parents are dead!
277
00:18:19,215 --> 00:18:23,606
The selfish bastards! I was going to
spend the summer with them!
278
00:18:23,775 --> 00:18:27,085
Shut up, right.
Shut up and listen, right, for once.
279
00:18:27,255 --> 00:18:32,090
All the bad things that have happened
to you have happened to me before,
280
00:18:32,255 --> 00:18:35,531
twice as badly, for twice as long,
so shut up.
281
00:18:35,695 --> 00:18:37,890
- Shut up yourself!
- Both of you shut up!
282
00:18:38,055 --> 00:18:41,172
- Everybody shut up!
- Who are you, telling me to shut up?
283
00:18:41,335 --> 00:18:43,485
Yeah, who are you?
A cinema commissionaire?
284
00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:46,408
- He thinks he's Giant Haystacks.
- Or José Feliciano.
285
00:18:46,575 --> 00:18:48,884
Someone with a girl's name, anyway.
286
00:18:50,415 --> 00:18:53,771
Look on the bright side.
The holiday can't get any worse.
287
00:18:58,375 --> 00:19:01,447
- Evening, boys!
- (All) Oh, no!
288
00:19:01,615 --> 00:19:04,846
Hey, guys,
some sod broke your window.
289
00:19:05,815 --> 00:19:08,932
That's £18 you owe me.
290
00:19:09,095 --> 00:19:11,893
Go away, Balowski.
This is a private party.
291
00:19:12,055 --> 00:19:14,125
# Ba-Ba-Ba, Ba-Barbara Ann.
292
00:19:14,295 --> 00:19:16,251
# Ba-ba-ba, Ba-Bar... #
293
00:19:16,415 --> 00:19:20,294
Oh, some sod broke your chair.
That's what happens at parties.
294
00:19:20,455 --> 00:19:23,049
That's another £27 you owe me.
295
00:19:23,215 --> 00:19:26,605
- Could you come back later?
- Next year?
296
00:19:26,775 --> 00:19:29,812
Mr Balowski,
you're the worst landlord ever!
297
00:19:29,975 --> 00:19:33,888
You think I'm the worst
landlord ever? You should see me!
298
00:19:34,055 --> 00:19:35,374
I'm so funny!
299
00:19:36,335 --> 00:19:38,769
(GROWLS)
300
00:19:42,335 --> 00:19:45,407
Wow! That was amazing!
301
00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:49,773
OK, the beautiful items
that Jerzei has given you,
302
00:19:49,935 --> 00:19:52,847
the Western consumer items,
let's see what you've done with them.
303
00:19:53,015 --> 00:19:56,564
- Number One, a beautiful TV set.
- Smashed.
304
00:19:56,735 --> 00:19:59,966
That's £97 you owe me.
Number two...
305
00:20:01,055 --> 00:20:03,091
Number twos!
306
00:20:05,695 --> 00:20:09,768
Number Two, one beautiful Afghan
carpet that I bought at Top Shop.
307
00:20:09,935 --> 00:20:13,007
- That's OK.
- A bit bloodstained, but...
308
00:20:13,175 --> 00:20:16,406
- And some puke.
- What exactly is this?
309
00:20:16,575 --> 00:20:21,012
Is this a zoo? Do we say,
''See the elephants at Jerzei's house''?
310
00:20:21,175 --> 00:20:25,453
No, we don't. I'll charge you £2,000
for parking that there.
311
00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:29,210
And finally, one beautiful
Huntley & Palmers-style fridge.
312
00:20:29,375 --> 00:20:31,206
(EXPLOSION)
313
00:20:34,095 --> 00:20:36,131
Oh, no!
314
00:20:36,295 --> 00:20:39,605
I never knew I wore a wig. Urgh!
315
00:20:41,175 --> 00:20:45,532
The bad new is, you owe me £1,400
in back rent, damages
316
00:20:45,695 --> 00:20:48,653
and hire of your fancy swimwear
for 17 years.
317
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:52,933
- And you are all evicted.
- Oh, ruddy heck!
318
00:20:53,095 --> 00:20:55,893
Hello. Let me introduce myself.
319
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:59,934
I'm God.
You didn't expect a woman, did you?
320
00:21:00,095 --> 00:21:04,646
Welcome to your Jerzei Homes
showhouse. What a great house it is.
321
00:21:04,815 --> 00:21:08,251
We don't need some old actor
in a helicopter
322
00:21:08,415 --> 00:21:11,930
to sell you a Jerzei Home,
because Jerzei Homes are great.
323
00:21:12,095 --> 00:21:16,486
They're crazy. You get furniture
with the emphasis on comedy.
324
00:21:16,655 --> 00:21:18,850
It's zany. It's crazy. It's wild.
325
00:21:19,015 --> 00:21:21,131
It's the wackiest house
on television!
326
00:21:21,295 --> 00:21:23,968
If it isn't, may God strike me dead!
327
00:21:35,415 --> 00:21:36,734
# The way that you run
328
00:21:36,895 --> 00:21:39,932
# And the way that you walkis all body talk
329
00:21:40,935 --> 00:21:42,368
# The way you move your hips
330
00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:44,969
# And the way that your lipshold your cigarettes
331
00:21:46,935 --> 00:21:49,893
# If you gonna laugh,if you're gonna cry
332
00:21:50,055 --> 00:21:53,252
# Oh, honey, you give it awaywith your body talk
333
00:21:56,535 --> 00:21:57,888
# Every time you breathe
334
00:21:58,055 --> 00:22:00,364
# And every time you sneeze, body talk
335
00:22:01,975 --> 00:22:03,408
# If you're having a good time
336
00:22:03,575 --> 00:22:05,645
# Or are just plain bored or undecided
337
00:22:07,495 --> 00:22:10,965
# If you're thinking of me passionately
338
00:22:11,135 --> 00:22:14,172
# Hmm-hmm, I can see by body talk...
339
00:22:14,335 --> 00:22:16,690
(SNORES)
340
00:22:16,855 --> 00:22:19,164
# Can you hear my body talking?
341
00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:24,643
# Can you hear my body talking?
342
00:22:26,175 --> 00:22:29,133
# Can you hear my body shouting?
343
00:22:29,295 --> 00:22:32,173
# I'm making so much noisewith my body
344
00:22:38,975 --> 00:22:41,648
I'll bloody well make his body talk.
345
00:22:41,815 --> 00:22:44,454
# Whey-hey-heyI #
346
00:23:05,735 --> 00:23:09,933
- God, I can't live like this.
- You wanted to live on the road.
347
00:23:10,095 --> 00:23:15,488
Thatcher's Britain.
Thatcher's bloody Britain!
348
00:23:15,655 --> 00:23:18,613
Look at me.
I'm young. I'm pretty.
349
00:23:18,775 --> 00:23:21,494
I've got five O-Levels.
Blummin' good grades,
350
00:23:21,655 --> 00:23:23,850
considering I didn't work
because I'm hard.
351
00:23:24,015 --> 00:23:28,008
And look at me now.
Homeless, cold and prostitute.
352
00:23:29,055 --> 00:23:31,853
- Destitute, Rick.
- Glory be and save us!
353
00:23:32,015 --> 00:23:34,165
Do we have to mince words?
354
00:23:34,335 --> 00:23:40,683
Anyway, I can sell my body if I want.
Who cares? I'm gorgeous! I am sex!
355
00:23:40,855 --> 00:23:44,928
Women want me and will pay,
so keep your phony morality!
356
00:23:45,095 --> 00:23:49,407
It's dog-eat-cat, and you won't find me
in a tin of Pedigree Chum.
357
00:23:49,575 --> 00:23:54,933
- You can't be a destitute, Rick.
- Why not, prudey square?
358
00:23:55,095 --> 00:23:58,644
Well, who'd want to
go to bed with you?
359
00:23:58,815 --> 00:24:01,454
Look, dawn's coming up.
360
00:24:01,615 --> 00:24:03,173
(ALL) Hi, dawn.
361
00:24:03,335 --> 00:24:05,326
Hello, boys.
362
00:24:05,495 --> 00:24:07,929
- Hi, Dawn.
- Hi, boys!
363
00:24:08,095 --> 00:24:12,088
Haven't seen you since the end
of term. Why are you in the gutter?
364
00:24:12,255 --> 00:24:15,133
We got evicted by a complete bastard.
365
00:24:15,295 --> 00:24:21,086
Oh, never mind. Our results are
through. That should cheer you up.
366
00:24:21,255 --> 00:24:26,283
I've just been to get mine early,
because I'm such a girlie swot.
367
00:24:27,335 --> 00:24:31,886
I knew I was going to do brilliantly,
and I did. Ciao.
368
00:24:33,215 --> 00:24:37,652
Dawn. Dawn. Hi. Obviously, you're
feeling pretty good about everything.
369
00:24:37,815 --> 00:24:40,727
I was wondering
if you fancied celebrating
370
00:24:40,895 --> 00:24:44,126
by letting me show you
a really good time...
371
00:24:44,295 --> 00:24:45,887
obviously for lots of money.
372
00:24:46,055 --> 00:24:48,250
- All right.
- What?
373
00:24:48,415 --> 00:24:52,966
- All right. How much have you got?
- Oh, no. You pay me.
374
00:24:53,135 --> 00:24:55,695
You must be joking!
375
00:24:55,855 --> 00:24:58,892
Look, here comes the postman.
376
00:24:59,895 --> 00:25:02,932
Vyvyan, why do you keep telling us
what's happening next?
377
00:25:03,095 --> 00:25:07,452
Because it's a studio set,
and they can't afford long shots.
378
00:25:07,615 --> 00:25:10,209
Guten Morgen,
meine kleines Freundliches.
379
00:25:10,375 --> 00:25:13,128
Bloody hell! Give them a uniform
and they think they're Hitler.
380
00:25:13,295 --> 00:25:18,972
I brought your exam results.
I opened them. I didn't think you'd mind.
381
00:25:19,135 --> 00:25:22,605
Exam results! Great!
This is my ticket out of the gutter.
382
00:25:22,775 --> 00:25:26,006
There's big bucks for a guy
with a degree in domestic science.
383
00:25:26,175 --> 00:25:29,326
Mrs Thatcher's certainly
got this country on its feet.
384
00:25:29,495 --> 00:25:32,453
You have come bottom
in the whole world.
385
00:25:32,615 --> 00:25:34,651
Hooray!
386
00:25:35,655 --> 00:25:38,533
- Who came top out of us?
- You, Neil.
387
00:25:38,695 --> 00:25:42,370
Then Mike, then Vyvyan,
then Rick. Ha!
388
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:44,967
You bloody little swot, Neil!
389
00:25:45,135 --> 00:25:48,969
- You bloody swot!
- I came top out of us.
390
00:25:49,135 --> 00:25:53,208
Oh, who cares about exams?
Who cares about life?
391
00:25:53,375 --> 00:25:57,687
Who cares about me?
Not me, that's for sure! Look.
392
00:25:58,375 --> 00:26:00,331
I just don't care.
393
00:26:00,495 --> 00:26:05,171
I care.
I'm used to high and easy living.
394
00:26:05,335 --> 00:26:10,534
I know about dirt. I used to eat it.
I'm never going back, you hear?
395
00:26:10,695 --> 00:26:13,493
- (RICK) What?
- I'm never going back!
396
00:26:14,735 --> 00:26:20,924
I swear now that whatever I do,
I'll never be poor or hungry again.
397
00:26:23,295 --> 00:26:26,924
OK, guys. I've got a plan.
Now, listen carefully.
398
00:26:27,095 --> 00:26:29,086
(WHISPERING)
399
00:26:30,535 --> 00:26:34,972
- You got that?
- Yeah. We go, ''Psshh.'' Brilliant.
400
00:26:38,135 --> 00:26:42,128
Mike, Mike, don't you think
robbing a bank is...?
401
00:26:42,295 --> 00:26:45,810
Well, it's tantamount
to stealing, really.
402
00:26:45,975 --> 00:26:49,126
C'mon, let's do it!
White riot. Stand down, Margaret.
403
00:26:49,295 --> 00:26:53,811
I've got hate in my eyes.
I've got a one-way ticket to oblivion
404
00:26:53,975 --> 00:26:56,250
and I'm gonna raise hell
getting there!
405
00:26:56,415 --> 00:27:00,124
- Let's do it.
- Yeah...! You mean now?!
406
00:27:01,015 --> 00:27:04,052
- I've got the stocks, Michael.
- What?
407
00:27:04,215 --> 00:27:06,570
You said we need stocks on our heads.
408
00:27:06,735 --> 00:27:10,648
Stockings, Vyvyan! Like tights.
409
00:27:10,815 --> 00:27:14,171
Urgh! I'm not putting my head where
some horrid girlie's bottom has been.
410
00:27:15,935 --> 00:27:18,165
I will!
411
00:27:18,335 --> 00:27:21,850
No, it doesn't matter.
This is a one-off job.
412
00:27:22,015 --> 00:27:27,647
All right, take these. Now, just say
I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK?
413
00:27:27,815 --> 00:27:31,125
- I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK?
- Shut up!
414
00:27:31,295 --> 00:27:34,367
Now, for God's sake,
don't go using them.
415
00:27:34,535 --> 00:27:38,767
- Why not, Mike?
- Yeah! Robin Hood! Baader-Meinhof!
416
00:27:38,935 --> 00:27:40,926
They didn't have to
become bank clerks.
417
00:27:41,095 --> 00:27:44,292
They knew the risks.
Let's let them have it!
418
00:27:44,455 --> 00:27:49,404
We can't. If we do that, they may
discover these are water pistols.
419
00:27:50,215 --> 00:27:53,093
- Brilliant!
- Has everybody got their alibis?
420
00:27:53,255 --> 00:27:55,211
- (ALL) Yes.
- Vyvyan?
421
00:27:55,375 --> 00:27:57,935
- It was Rick.
- Neil?
422
00:27:58,095 --> 00:28:00,245
- It was Rick.
- Rick.
423
00:28:00,415 --> 00:28:02,565
- It was me.
- What's your alibi?
424
00:28:02,735 --> 00:28:05,169
I don't need one. I phone the police.
425
00:28:06,255 --> 00:28:09,292
OK, Vyv, keep the engine running.
426
00:28:09,455 --> 00:28:12,652
The getaway car is the most essential
element in any robbery.
427
00:28:12,815 --> 00:28:14,612
Message received and understood.
428
00:28:17,335 --> 00:28:19,485
All right! ''Dog Day Afternoon''.
429
00:28:19,655 --> 00:28:22,044
Typical.
The place is completely packed.
430
00:28:22,215 --> 00:28:25,048
- Why don't they put more staff on?
- Yeah.
431
00:28:25,215 --> 00:28:30,494
And if we join one queue, the other
is bound to start moving quickly.
432
00:28:30,655 --> 00:28:35,604
If we join that one, then the other
one will start moving quickly.
433
00:28:35,775 --> 00:28:39,893
Whichever queue we're in, the guy in
front will be from a penny arcade
434
00:28:40,055 --> 00:28:42,694
cashing up millions of pennies.
435
00:28:42,855 --> 00:28:46,245
All right, Mr Real Robber,
the manager will see you now.
436
00:28:47,895 --> 00:28:51,251
The solution is simple.
We join separate queues.
437
00:28:51,415 --> 00:28:54,691
The one who gets served first
starts the robbery.
438
00:28:54,855 --> 00:28:56,208
I'd like to open a bank account,
please.
439
00:28:56,375 --> 00:29:00,653
- Good morning, sir.
- You need a steady job,
440
00:29:00,815 --> 00:29:04,444
cash, and a reference
from your bank manager.
441
00:29:04,615 --> 00:29:07,209
Hello. Do you work here?
442
00:29:07,375 --> 00:29:10,447
Yeah, the penny arcade
across the road.
443
00:29:10,615 --> 00:29:14,051
I've pushed the alarm
and the police will be here soon.
444
00:29:14,215 --> 00:29:17,605
- Put the money in the sack.
- Of course, yes.
445
00:29:17,775 --> 00:29:20,892
Banks are only open
for about five minutes a day.
446
00:29:21,055 --> 00:29:25,606
The only people there are unemployed,
who aren't supposed to have money.
447
00:29:25,775 --> 00:29:28,414
- Good morning, sir.
- Hello, I...
448
00:29:28,575 --> 00:29:29,894
- Good morning, sir.
- Yes, hello...
449
00:29:30,055 --> 00:29:33,411
- Good morning, sir.
- Shut up!
450
00:29:33,575 --> 00:29:36,772
Excuse me.
This is our ''good morning'' window,
451
00:29:36,935 --> 00:29:39,847
where customers experience
the nice face of the bank.
452
00:29:40,015 --> 00:29:43,007
For financial transactions,
try any other window.
453
00:29:43,175 --> 00:29:45,928
Look, I'm not queuing again!
All I want...
454
00:29:46,095 --> 00:29:50,646
(LOUDHAILER) This is the police.please be calm.
455
00:29:50,815 --> 00:29:56,128
A robbery is taking place. Lie downon the floor and await instructions.
456
00:29:56,295 --> 00:29:58,206
We have the place surrounded.
457
00:29:58,375 --> 00:30:00,809
Bloody pigs!
I didn't finish my sentence.
458
00:30:00,975 --> 00:30:03,887
Mike, the bank's being robbed.
Quick, get down!
459
00:30:04,055 --> 00:30:06,649
- We're doing the robbery!
- Oh, yeah.
460
00:30:06,815 --> 00:30:11,286
All right. If they won't let us out,
we'll shoot a hostage.
461
00:30:11,455 --> 00:30:13,605
Yeah. Let's shoot Neil.
462
00:30:13,775 --> 00:30:17,654
What? Oh, yeah.
OK, if you think it will help.
463
00:30:19,295 --> 00:30:21,331
I don't mind.
It's only water pistols.
464
00:30:21,495 --> 00:30:25,488
- (RICK) Shh!
- I told you that was our secret!
465
00:30:25,655 --> 00:30:27,964
- Water pistols?!
- Good morning, sir.
466
00:30:28,135 --> 00:30:32,925
Neil, you've ruined it. I never got
to shout, ''Give me the money.''
467
00:30:33,095 --> 00:30:34,813
- What?!
- Bloody hell!
468
00:30:34,975 --> 00:30:36,294
Quick!
469
00:30:42,895 --> 00:30:46,774
We did it! We bloody did it!
And it was mostly me!
470
00:30:46,935 --> 00:30:50,371
- Come on!
- We did it! We did it!
471
00:30:58,295 --> 00:31:03,130
Oh, what have I done? (SOBS)
472
00:31:03,295 --> 00:31:05,525
Come on. There's no time for that.
473
00:31:05,695 --> 00:31:09,324
My car!
My beautiful, beautiful car!
474
00:31:09,495 --> 00:31:11,565
(SIRENS)
475
00:31:11,735 --> 00:31:14,295
Oh, no! The pigs!
476
00:31:14,455 --> 00:31:17,731
This is it, guys! I'll see you later!
477
00:31:18,975 --> 00:31:21,091
Oh. Yellow chicken!
478
00:31:21,255 --> 00:31:23,086
(WAILS)
479
00:31:23,255 --> 00:31:26,611
Forget about your car, Vyvyan.
Start again without it.
480
00:31:26,775 --> 00:31:31,485
- After all, you've still got SPG.
- I don't think so, Michael.
481
00:31:31,655 --> 00:31:34,965
He was asleep on the radiator.
482
00:31:38,695 --> 00:31:40,651
(BAGPIPES)
483
00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:42,931
I'll see you later, you wimp.
484
00:31:43,095 --> 00:31:45,450
We've got our whole lives
ahead of us.
485
00:31:45,615 --> 00:31:48,448
It's just that we'll be spending them
in prison.
486
00:31:50,615 --> 00:31:53,129
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
487
00:31:53,295 --> 00:31:55,650
Oh, no!
488
00:32:00,415 --> 00:32:04,169
(INAUDIBLE)
489
00:32:08,655 --> 00:32:12,534
(GUITAR PLAYS OFF-KEY)
490
00:32:19,615 --> 00:32:23,130
(ALL SING)# We're all going on a summer holiday
491
00:32:23,295 --> 00:32:26,571
# No more working for a week or two
492
00:32:26,735 --> 00:32:30,284
# Fun and laughteron a summer holiday... #
493
00:32:30,455 --> 00:32:33,652
(TUNELESS WAILING)
494
00:32:36,935 --> 00:32:39,210
(OFF-KEY)
495
00:32:39,375 --> 00:32:44,495
- Yes! Yes! It's really happening!
- Basingstoke, 35 miles!
496
00:32:44,655 --> 00:32:47,886
This is what I call riding
in a double-decker bus.
497
00:32:48,055 --> 00:32:52,207
Right on. I'm aboard the Freedom Bus,
heading for Good Time City,
498
00:32:52,375 --> 00:32:54,525
and I haven't even paid my fare!
499
00:32:54,695 --> 00:32:59,610
Look, we need to pick up some great girls
whose car has broken down,
500
00:32:59,775 --> 00:33:01,891
and they can cook and clean.
501
00:33:02,055 --> 00:33:04,444
Yes, girls like Una Stubbs.
502
00:33:04,615 --> 00:33:08,927
Una Stubbs! Yeah, fantastic!
We can all play charades.
503
00:33:09,095 --> 00:33:13,964
Charades?! Ha!
More like nudie plod games.
504
00:33:14,135 --> 00:33:16,649
(TYRES SCREECH)
505
00:33:16,815 --> 00:33:21,172
What's the difference? There'll
be plenty of chicks on the road.
506
00:33:21,335 --> 00:33:23,929
This is it! It's really happening!
507
00:33:24,095 --> 00:33:28,566
Who needs qualifications? Who cares
about Thatcher and unemployment?
508
00:33:28,735 --> 00:33:32,887
We can do whatever we want to do!
And do you know why?
509
00:33:33,055 --> 00:33:36,252
Because we're young ones.
Bachelor boys!
510
00:33:36,415 --> 00:33:41,045
Crazy, mad, wild-eyed,
big-bottomed anarchists!
511
00:33:42,055 --> 00:33:44,649
Look out! Cliff!
512
00:33:44,855 --> 00:33:46,447
(BRAKES SCREECH)
513
00:34:02,855 --> 00:34:04,971
(ALL) Phew! That was close!
39796
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