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1
00:00:31,145 --> 00:00:36,193
Right, that concludes this morning's
briefing. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
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00:00:36,217 --> 00:00:38,963
And never forget that in
the grand order of life,
3
00:00:38,987 --> 00:00:40,631
there are but two forces...
4
00:00:40,655 --> 00:00:42,332
Those of order...
5
00:00:42,356 --> 00:00:43,834
And those of chaos.
6
00:00:43,858 --> 00:00:46,269
And between them, there lies us,
7
00:00:46,293 --> 00:00:48,171
the thin blue line.
8
00:00:48,195 --> 00:00:50,497
So that's three forces then.
9
00:00:51,933 --> 00:00:54,311
Two forces, constable
Goody, as I've explained.
10
00:00:54,335 --> 00:00:55,880
The forces of order and of chaos.
11
00:00:55,904 --> 00:00:58,572
Yes, and us in the
middle, the police force.
12
00:01:00,274 --> 00:01:02,452
I think we'd better
pick this up again later.
13
00:01:02,476 --> 00:01:04,688
You're all due out on patrol.
14
00:01:04,712 --> 00:01:07,858
Dear, oh dear, Raymond,
15
00:01:07,882 --> 00:01:10,995
why do you bluebottles bother?
16
00:01:11,019 --> 00:01:13,363
The uniformed constable is obsolete.
17
00:01:13,387 --> 00:01:16,456
Extinct, like the "doo-doo."
18
00:01:19,594 --> 00:01:22,706
Computers, sir. That's where
it's all rocking, isn't it, eh?
19
00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:24,141
That's right, Kray,
20
00:01:24,165 --> 00:01:27,377
in the shadowy electronic alleyways
21
00:01:27,401 --> 00:01:28,979
of the Internet,
22
00:01:29,003 --> 00:01:31,015
a new type of villain lurks.
23
00:01:31,039 --> 00:01:35,385
Right, how is our investigation
into stolen credit cards going?
24
00:01:35,409 --> 00:01:37,254
All in the computer, sir.
25
00:01:37,278 --> 00:01:39,790
The way to stop credit
cards being stolen
26
00:01:39,814 --> 00:01:42,059
is for people to take
care of their property.
27
00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:46,329
I'd like to meet the man who
could get inside my trousers.
28
00:01:46,353 --> 00:01:49,700
What is more, my officers
are far from being "doo-doos,"
29
00:01:49,724 --> 00:01:52,002
or indeed, dodos.
30
00:01:52,026 --> 00:01:54,104
They are, in fact, first rate.
31
00:01:54,128 --> 00:01:56,574
Keen of eye, swift of thought
32
00:01:56,598 --> 00:01:59,543
and regular of bowel.
33
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:01,545
They don't need
computers to solve crimes
34
00:02:01,569 --> 00:02:03,870
because they have brains,
Grim. Remember them?
35
00:02:04,872 --> 00:02:07,350
A Bobby's best friend
36
00:02:07,374 --> 00:02:09,275
is his brain.
37
00:02:11,713 --> 00:02:14,825
Well, it's pretty clear...
He got in through the window.
38
00:02:14,849 --> 00:02:16,594
Unless, of course,
39
00:02:16,618 --> 00:02:19,897
the window was broken after
the villains gained entry.
40
00:02:19,921 --> 00:02:21,966
Broken from within.
41
00:02:21,990 --> 00:02:25,002
- You mean an inside job?
- You've got to admit, it would all fit.
42
00:02:25,026 --> 00:02:26,770
What, that he robbed his own flat?
43
00:02:26,794 --> 00:02:29,239
Exactly! Insurance claim, Maggie.
44
00:02:29,263 --> 00:02:30,808
It's a nice little motive.
45
00:02:30,832 --> 00:02:32,843
All the glass is on the inside, Kevin.
46
00:02:32,867 --> 00:02:34,945
Do you reckon that after he smashed it,
47
00:02:34,969 --> 00:02:38,271
he went outside, picked up all
the bits and brought them back in?
48
00:02:40,675 --> 00:02:42,519
It's possible.
49
00:02:42,543 --> 00:02:44,788
His fingers are cut
up, we've got our man.
50
00:02:44,812 --> 00:02:46,980
- Just... get your notebook, Kevin?
- Yes.
51
00:02:48,650 --> 00:02:49,827
Now then, sir,
52
00:02:49,851 --> 00:02:51,962
- I know you're upset...
- Whoops!
53
00:02:51,986 --> 00:02:55,165
Kevin!
54
00:02:55,189 --> 00:02:58,201
Could you give us some idea of
what's been taken and their value?
55
00:02:58,225 --> 00:02:59,536
"What's been taken"?
56
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,072
My self-respect,
57
00:03:02,096 --> 00:03:03,707
my peace of mind,
58
00:03:03,731 --> 00:03:05,509
my sense of well-being.
59
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:08,501
Could you describe
these items please, sir?
60
00:03:10,437 --> 00:03:12,850
They are beyond value!
61
00:03:12,874 --> 00:03:14,952
Told you... mega insurance claim.
62
00:03:14,976 --> 00:03:17,220
- Shut up!
- What are you lot gonna do?
63
00:03:17,244 --> 00:03:19,623
- This has ruined my life!
- We'll do our best, sir,
64
00:03:19,647 --> 00:03:21,959
but the clear-up rate
for burglaries is so...
65
00:03:21,983 --> 00:03:24,427
I don't know why I even
bothered calling you lot out.
66
00:03:24,451 --> 00:03:28,065
You're about as much use as
a tin-tack in a jockstrap.
67
00:03:28,089 --> 00:03:30,167
Oh.
68
00:03:30,191 --> 00:03:33,326
- Name?
- Can't remember.
69
00:03:35,029 --> 00:03:37,698
"Mr. R. Sole."
70
00:03:40,068 --> 00:03:42,279
I mean, the bloke was devastated.
71
00:03:42,303 --> 00:03:44,314
Everything he had had been defiled.
72
00:03:44,338 --> 00:03:47,350
Photos smashed, clothes torn.
73
00:03:47,374 --> 00:03:50,420
They even did a whoopsie
in his goldfish bowl.
74
00:03:50,444 --> 00:03:52,422
And there's nothing we can do.
75
00:03:52,446 --> 00:03:54,280
You could fish it out.
76
00:03:55,883 --> 00:03:57,928
You've got to learn to walk away.
77
00:03:57,952 --> 00:03:59,863
There's more to life
than being a copper.
78
00:03:59,887 --> 00:04:01,699
I don't know how you can say that.
79
00:04:01,723 --> 00:04:04,902
You're virtually married to the
force, going out with inspector Fowler.
80
00:04:04,926 --> 00:04:07,171
He doesn't care about
anything but the police.
81
00:04:07,195 --> 00:04:09,173
Oh, I'm sorry, pat,
I didn't mean that...
82
00:04:09,197 --> 00:04:11,008
I know very well what you meant, Maggie,
83
00:04:11,032 --> 00:04:12,275
and you're wrong.
84
00:04:12,299 --> 00:04:15,035
Raymond has a deep and romantic soul.
85
00:04:16,637 --> 00:04:18,215
You know,
86
00:04:18,239 --> 00:04:21,474
I think I've got a slow puncture.
87
00:04:23,177 --> 00:04:26,023
Oh well, another evening
spread out on the kitchen table
88
00:04:26,047 --> 00:04:28,081
wrestling with my inner tube.
89
00:04:29,817 --> 00:04:31,795
We've been together 10 years, Maggie.
90
00:04:31,819 --> 00:04:33,831
It can't all be candlelit dinner,
91
00:04:33,855 --> 00:04:37,167
jars of vaseline and
double-jointed sexual gymnastics.
92
00:04:37,191 --> 00:04:39,803
My turn to cook tonight,
I think, darling.
93
00:04:39,827 --> 00:04:42,462
I thought I might make rissoles.
94
00:04:44,098 --> 00:04:47,211
Actually, tomorrow's the 10th
anniversary of our relationship.
95
00:04:47,235 --> 00:04:49,613
I'm going to surprise him
with a special breakfast.
96
00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:52,639
Or perhaps a nice bit of bloater.
97
00:04:55,877 --> 00:04:58,088
Wake up, Raymond. Breakfast.
98
00:04:58,112 --> 00:05:00,157
What? Oh!
99
00:05:00,181 --> 00:05:03,627
Bless my twinkling stars, Patricia.
100
00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:04,728
What is all this?
101
00:05:04,752 --> 00:05:07,731
Oh, well, well. Coffee, toast...
102
00:05:07,755 --> 00:05:09,767
Or something which at some point
103
00:05:09,791 --> 00:05:12,636
has certainly been toast.
104
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:15,739
And scrambled egg, if I'm not mistaken.
105
00:05:15,763 --> 00:05:19,232
You are. I'm afraid it's a waffle.
106
00:05:21,202 --> 00:05:22,913
Oh dear.
107
00:05:22,937 --> 00:05:25,082
People worry too much
about how food looks.
108
00:05:25,106 --> 00:05:27,584
What's it gonna look like
after it's worked its way
109
00:05:27,608 --> 00:05:29,776
through 28 feet of small intestine?
110
00:05:34,148 --> 00:05:35,682
Well, quite.
111
00:05:37,651 --> 00:05:40,764
Mmm. Perhaps a
smidgeon too much salt...
112
00:05:40,788 --> 00:05:43,633
- There isn't any salt in it.
- I'm afraid there is.
113
00:05:43,657 --> 00:05:47,070
In that case I put sugar
on your bacon and eggs.
114
00:05:47,094 --> 00:05:50,808
It's those habitat serving
jars I put everything in.
115
00:05:50,832 --> 00:05:53,510
You can't tell one thing from another.
116
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:56,513
I can never force much
down in the morning anyway,
117
00:05:56,537 --> 00:05:58,615
except, perhaps, a cup of coffee.
118
00:05:58,639 --> 00:05:59,850
It's only instant.
119
00:05:59,874 --> 00:06:02,886
Ugh.
120
00:06:02,910 --> 00:06:06,313
In this case, instant gravy.
121
00:06:10,251 --> 00:06:13,496
Another mix up with the serving
jars, I fear, my darling.
122
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,799
Oh well, never mind.
123
00:06:15,823 --> 00:06:18,802
All in all, it was a very nice...
124
00:06:18,826 --> 00:06:21,404
Uh, thought.
125
00:06:21,428 --> 00:06:24,241
I can't imagine what moved
you to such a splendid gesture.
126
00:06:24,265 --> 00:06:26,833
- Can't you?
- Umm...
127
00:06:28,903 --> 00:06:30,981
No, no, no, I fear not.
128
00:06:31,005 --> 00:06:33,083
But... but it's much
appreciated anyway.
129
00:06:33,107 --> 00:06:34,852
Now I really must rush.
130
00:06:34,876 --> 00:06:37,754
I have a small gift item
to pick up before work.
131
00:06:37,778 --> 00:06:40,347
Oh peachy, you did remember.
132
00:06:42,850 --> 00:06:45,018
Of course I remembered, cabbage.
133
00:06:47,288 --> 00:06:49,356
I always remember the important things.
134
00:06:51,425 --> 00:06:53,470
Cutting edge of technology.
135
00:06:53,494 --> 00:06:55,339
Cutting edge of fannying about.
136
00:06:55,363 --> 00:06:57,975
What's wrong with a
biro that's what I say.
137
00:06:57,999 --> 00:07:00,243
I've booted up and I've patched in.
138
00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:02,545
I'm online, offline, downloaded
139
00:07:02,569 --> 00:07:04,570
and extremely cheesed off.
140
00:07:06,207 --> 00:07:09,486
You need to integrate your
power supply at source, sir.
141
00:07:09,510 --> 00:07:11,355
What?
142
00:07:11,379 --> 00:07:13,246
Plug it in.
143
00:07:15,816 --> 00:07:18,996
And so, to the topic of the
day, which is pickpocketing.
144
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:21,898
Oh, by the way, I'll just
leave the collecting tin
145
00:07:21,922 --> 00:07:24,434
for the queen's birthday
present here, shall I?
146
00:07:24,458 --> 00:07:27,837
About £3 apiece should cover it.
147
00:07:27,861 --> 00:07:29,739
Excuse me, sir. I
didn't quite catch that.
148
00:07:29,763 --> 00:07:31,641
The collecting tin...
149
00:07:31,665 --> 00:07:33,610
For the queen's official birthday...
150
00:07:33,634 --> 00:07:35,379
Which is next week.
151
00:07:35,403 --> 00:07:37,214
But of course, you all knew that.
152
00:07:37,238 --> 00:07:41,218
We are members of her
majesty's police force.
153
00:07:41,242 --> 00:07:44,087
The queen is, in effect, our boss.
154
00:07:44,111 --> 00:07:47,813
And compared to many bosses,
she is a model employer.
155
00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:53,319
She does not attempt to kiss the
secretaries at the Christmas party...
156
00:07:54,688 --> 00:07:57,934
She does not insist on
having the best coffee mug,
157
00:07:57,958 --> 00:08:01,038
or hogging all the chocolate hobnobs.
158
00:08:01,062 --> 00:08:03,306
She's had a pretty
rotten time of it of late.
159
00:08:03,330 --> 00:08:05,742
It'd be a nice thing to
show her she's appreciated.
160
00:08:05,766 --> 00:08:08,711
Personally I think
celebrating birthdays at work
161
00:08:08,735 --> 00:08:10,313
is a bad idea.
162
00:08:10,337 --> 00:08:12,215
Yes, well, on this occasion...
163
00:08:12,239 --> 00:08:14,617
I mean that awful business
of going for a curry
164
00:08:14,641 --> 00:08:17,054
with people you either
don't know or don't like.
165
00:08:17,078 --> 00:08:21,791
- Yes, yes, well...
- And there is nothing to do but drink.
166
00:08:21,815 --> 00:08:25,095
So before you know it, you're
doing the old elephant impression.
167
00:08:25,119 --> 00:08:27,997
And everyone else in
the restaurant hates you
168
00:08:28,021 --> 00:08:31,134
because quite frankly, they
couldn't give a flying hoo-ha
169
00:08:31,158 --> 00:08:33,503
whether the birthday girl lives or dies.
170
00:08:33,527 --> 00:08:35,805
Yes, well, I wasn't really thinking
171
00:08:35,829 --> 00:08:38,898
of taking her majesty for a curry.
172
00:08:40,468 --> 00:08:42,979
What's your elephant impression, frank?
173
00:08:43,003 --> 00:08:45,682
You pull your trousers
pockets inside out, you see?
174
00:08:45,706 --> 00:08:46,783
And then you unzip...
175
00:08:46,807 --> 00:08:48,808
Thank you, gladstone.
176
00:08:50,478 --> 00:08:52,789
I have, in fact,
already taken the Liberty
177
00:08:52,813 --> 00:08:54,924
of purchasing her a gift...
178
00:08:54,948 --> 00:08:57,883
A small porcelain figurine...
179
00:08:58,919 --> 00:09:01,321
Of a young lad fishing.
180
00:09:04,558 --> 00:09:07,504
The collecting tin is there, as
I say. It's very much up to you.
181
00:09:07,528 --> 00:09:10,507
I don't want to buy the
queen a present, sir.
182
00:09:10,531 --> 00:09:12,765
She's an anti-Christ.
183
00:09:16,403 --> 00:09:18,471
I beg your pardon?!
184
00:09:20,374 --> 00:09:22,708
Oh no, I mean anarchist.
185
00:09:24,445 --> 00:09:27,124
No, no, what's that word
for someone who's out of date
186
00:09:27,148 --> 00:09:29,192
and doesn't matter anymore?
187
00:09:29,216 --> 00:09:32,496
- You mean an anachronism.
- That's right. The queen's an anachronism.
188
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,365
I thought that was someone
who was scared of spiders?
189
00:09:35,389 --> 00:09:37,800
No, no, that's an arachnophobic.
190
00:09:37,824 --> 00:09:41,104
I thought that was a person who
was scared of wide-open spaces.
191
00:09:41,128 --> 00:09:45,542
No, that's agoraphobics. They can't handle
going outside. Arachnophobics hate spiders.
192
00:09:45,566 --> 00:09:47,577
Look, we're talking about the queen.
193
00:09:47,601 --> 00:09:50,880
Is the queen scared of spiders?
194
00:09:50,904 --> 00:09:54,384
You wouldn't have thought so, but
it's beginning to look that way.
195
00:09:54,408 --> 00:09:57,843
Perhaps that's why she's
scared to go outside, sir.
196
00:10:00,013 --> 00:10:01,491
Can you spare Habib a moment?
197
00:10:01,515 --> 00:10:04,317
Yes, of course. Carry on, constable.
198
00:10:06,153 --> 00:10:07,364
Thank you, darling.
199
00:10:07,388 --> 00:10:10,600
Not darling. Inspector darling.
200
00:10:10,624 --> 00:10:12,969
No, sorry. Sorry.
201
00:10:12,993 --> 00:10:16,105
Sorry, I'm just so happy, so excited.
202
00:10:16,129 --> 00:10:19,031
Will you give it me after work?
203
00:10:21,702 --> 00:10:23,346
Uh...
204
00:10:23,370 --> 00:10:25,748
Possibly, I don't know.
205
00:10:25,772 --> 00:10:27,950
No, no, don't spoil it.
206
00:10:27,974 --> 00:10:31,110
I only get one once a year,
and I want it to be a surprise.
207
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,166
No, sir, I'm afraid we haven't
made any progress at all.
208
00:10:43,190 --> 00:10:46,303
- I'm very sorry.
- People don't matter anymore, do they?
209
00:10:46,327 --> 00:10:48,371
I didn't matter to the
bloke who robbed me,
210
00:10:48,395 --> 00:10:50,273
and I don't matter to you.
211
00:10:50,297 --> 00:10:53,210
Sir, please.
212
00:10:53,234 --> 00:10:54,611
We really are trying.
213
00:10:54,635 --> 00:10:57,481
So, pickpocketing...
214
00:10:57,505 --> 00:10:59,472
Come on, come on, come on.
215
00:11:00,608 --> 00:11:02,252
A crime which has traditionally
216
00:11:02,276 --> 00:11:04,421
been looked upon with some indulgence.
217
00:11:04,445 --> 00:11:06,923
We have all seen the musical "Oliver"
218
00:11:06,947 --> 00:11:08,958
and are familiar with the images
219
00:11:08,982 --> 00:11:12,718
of jolly, apple-cheeked
urchins in big hats.
220
00:11:13,954 --> 00:11:16,166
Well, dispel this cozy impression.
221
00:11:16,190 --> 00:11:20,303
The artful dodger was a thief,
222
00:11:20,327 --> 00:11:24,364
and I don't think he'd have considered
himself quite so "at home..."
223
00:11:25,732 --> 00:11:27,677
In a juvenile detention center,
224
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:29,779
which is where I'd have put him.
225
00:11:29,803 --> 00:11:31,414
Thieving is thieving,
226
00:11:31,438 --> 00:11:33,082
and no amount of "oom-pah-pah"
227
00:11:33,106 --> 00:11:35,208
or "boom-titty-titty"
will change that.
228
00:11:36,544 --> 00:11:39,856
An Englishman's pockets are his castle.
229
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,058
More like his pocket
billiards room.
230
00:11:42,082 --> 00:11:43,960
Detective constable Kray,
231
00:11:43,984 --> 00:11:46,363
there is a place for fatuous, flippant,
232
00:11:46,387 --> 00:11:48,498
would-be humorous inanities,
233
00:11:48,522 --> 00:11:51,957
and that place is on
"Noel's house party"...
234
00:11:54,428 --> 00:11:56,139
Not in a police station.
235
00:11:56,163 --> 00:11:58,775
Yes, sir.
236
00:11:58,799 --> 00:12:01,834
Right, so let's see how it's done.
Step forward, constable Goody.
237
00:12:04,238 --> 00:12:07,717
Walk towards me.
238
00:12:07,741 --> 00:12:10,687
- Oops, I do beg your pardon.
- It's quite all right, sir.
239
00:12:10,711 --> 00:12:12,922
Not all right for you, I fear, Goody,
240
00:12:12,946 --> 00:12:15,925
because I have relieved you
of the contents of your pocket.
241
00:12:15,949 --> 00:12:21,030
In this case... a Mars bar.
242
00:12:21,054 --> 00:12:24,257
Constable Goody, a Mars bars is
scarcely police equipment, is it?
243
00:12:25,959 --> 00:12:28,738
- No, sir.
- "No, sir," indeed, sir.
244
00:12:28,762 --> 00:12:31,074
Are there any other
items of confectionary
245
00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:32,832
secreted about your person?
246
00:12:35,669 --> 00:12:37,337
No, sir.
247
00:12:38,339 --> 00:12:39,972
And by that you mean...?
248
00:12:41,808 --> 00:12:44,176
I've got a curly wurly
in my truncheon pouch.
249
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:48,558
In that case, get it out before it melts
250
00:12:48,582 --> 00:12:50,960
and soils the queen's trousers.
251
00:12:50,984 --> 00:12:54,598
It's not going to melt, is
it? It's going to get eaten.
252
00:12:54,622 --> 00:12:56,466
Great jangling jehovah, it is not!
253
00:12:56,490 --> 00:12:58,235
I've never heard of such a thing.
254
00:12:58,259 --> 00:13:00,470
I will not have my
officers gorging themselves
255
00:13:00,494 --> 00:13:02,739
whilst on duty. Hand it over.
256
00:13:02,763 --> 00:13:05,398
Now sit down.
257
00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:11,003
Now let's see if any of
you can pick my pocket.
258
00:13:14,875 --> 00:13:18,043
You're not gonna do the
elephant impression, are you?
259
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:23,659
I couldn't believe it!
260
00:13:23,683 --> 00:13:26,296
Making me fish my curly wurly
out of my trousers.
261
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,731
He's going potty. He is, you know?
262
00:13:28,755 --> 00:13:32,401
Fancy rushing out before work
to buy a present for the queen.
263
00:13:32,425 --> 00:13:34,660
I bet she never gets him anything.
264
00:13:36,563 --> 00:13:38,708
I'm trying to trace
missing credit cards.
265
00:13:38,732 --> 00:13:41,311
The bills are being done
with stolen credit cards.
266
00:13:41,335 --> 00:13:45,114
Yeah, yeah, pepperoni...
267
00:13:45,138 --> 00:13:48,318
Anchovies, spicy sausage and chili.
268
00:13:48,342 --> 00:13:50,453
Constable Kray, this is a bleeding nick,
269
00:13:50,477 --> 00:13:51,955
not a bleeding cafeteria.
270
00:13:51,979 --> 00:13:54,958
- Nothing for you then, sir?
- No, nothing for me.
271
00:13:54,982 --> 00:13:58,417
Just a bit of cheesecake
and a can of diet lilt.
272
00:14:02,655 --> 00:14:04,400
Oh, come on, Kevin,
273
00:14:04,424 --> 00:14:06,836
you've been going on
about this all morning.
274
00:14:06,860 --> 00:14:08,504
He only pinched your Mars bar.
275
00:14:08,528 --> 00:14:11,674
- It was for her.
- What?
276
00:14:11,698 --> 00:14:14,177
That Mars bar was for
the most beautiful,
277
00:14:14,201 --> 00:14:17,646
the most gorgeous woman
who ever walked the earth.
278
00:14:17,670 --> 00:14:20,839
You bought Gloria Hunniford a Mars bar?
279
00:14:23,143 --> 00:14:25,821
Constable Habib! I bought
constable Habib a Mars bar!
280
00:14:25,845 --> 00:14:28,124
She likes Mars bars. I
saw her eating one once.
281
00:14:28,148 --> 00:14:30,726
I've seen her eating
sausage, egg, chips and beans.
282
00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:33,886
That doesn't mean if you buy her
a fry up you'll get your leg over.
283
00:14:35,555 --> 00:14:37,800
No, no, Maggie Habib's
not a little girl.
284
00:14:37,824 --> 00:14:39,735
You can't win her with sweets.
285
00:14:39,759 --> 00:14:41,704
She's a woman,
286
00:14:41,728 --> 00:14:43,839
and if you want to impress a woman,
287
00:14:43,863 --> 00:14:45,674
you have to act like a man.
288
00:14:45,698 --> 00:14:48,344
- Act like a man.
- That's right, sir.
289
00:14:48,368 --> 00:14:50,513
She won't take any notice of you
290
00:14:50,537 --> 00:14:52,681
unless you are firm.
291
00:14:52,705 --> 00:14:56,252
That's how I treated
my wife... firm.
292
00:14:56,276 --> 00:14:57,887
Mm-hmm!
293
00:14:57,911 --> 00:14:59,322
One day I said to her,
294
00:14:59,346 --> 00:15:02,158
"if I feel like stopping
out drinking, I will.
295
00:15:02,182 --> 00:15:05,594
And what's more, I expect my dinner
on the table when I get home."
296
00:15:05,618 --> 00:15:06,896
She took notice of that?
297
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,588
I don't know. I never saw her again.
298
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:15,671
Engaged again.
299
00:15:15,695 --> 00:15:17,773
What's the point of belonging
300
00:15:17,797 --> 00:15:21,744
to the "emergency lost credit
card instant speedy hotline"
301
00:15:21,768 --> 00:15:24,870
if whenever you ring
them they're engaged?
302
00:15:27,174 --> 00:15:30,086
Raymond, have you bought a
birthday present for the queen?
303
00:15:30,110 --> 00:15:32,288
Yes. Is there a problem?
304
00:15:32,312 --> 00:15:34,123
When did you last buy me a present?!
305
00:15:34,147 --> 00:15:36,492
Why, on your last birthday, I believe.
306
00:15:36,516 --> 00:15:40,163
A set of reversible
spanners is not a present!
307
00:15:40,187 --> 00:15:43,499
It is a coded request to
get a smack in the mouth!
308
00:15:43,523 --> 00:15:45,368
You idiot, Raymond!
309
00:15:45,392 --> 00:15:49,105
Police stations don't send loyal
greetings to the monarch anymore!
310
00:15:49,129 --> 00:15:51,740
The queen and her whole
family have become a joke.
311
00:15:51,764 --> 00:15:53,943
You've only got to read the papers.
312
00:15:53,967 --> 00:15:56,879
Get on with your work, constable.
313
00:15:56,903 --> 00:15:58,848
I do not read the papers, Patricia.
314
00:15:58,872 --> 00:16:01,084
Therefore I do not
suffer from the illusion
315
00:16:01,108 --> 00:16:03,586
that rumor, innuendo and downright cheek
316
00:16:03,610 --> 00:16:05,188
constitute news.
317
00:16:05,212 --> 00:16:07,723
If you want to read
something, then read a book.
318
00:16:07,747 --> 00:16:11,094
For there is more that is
true and relevant in one page
319
00:16:11,118 --> 00:16:15,098
of Scott or Thackeray than in
every newspaper ever printed!
320
00:16:15,122 --> 00:16:17,800
You haven't read any
Walter Scott in years.
321
00:16:17,824 --> 00:16:19,635
Nor any flippin' Thackeray.
322
00:16:19,659 --> 00:16:21,604
You read Biggles books!
323
00:16:21,628 --> 00:16:25,431
And you make slurping noises
in your cocoa while you do it!
324
00:16:34,908 --> 00:16:37,887
- Is that true, sir?
- Well, I don't know.
325
00:16:37,911 --> 00:16:41,190
Perhaps the tiniest gurgle.
326
00:16:41,214 --> 00:16:43,026
No, I mean do you still read Biggles?
327
00:16:43,050 --> 00:16:45,395
That's what my little
brother's reading at the moment.
328
00:16:45,419 --> 00:16:48,398
He could do a very great deal worse.
329
00:16:48,422 --> 00:16:52,735
Because even Biggles has
much to tell us that is true
330
00:16:52,759 --> 00:16:55,338
about loyalty, courage,
331
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,273
- honor...
- Gay love.
332
00:16:57,297 --> 00:16:59,098
Yes.
333
00:17:01,201 --> 00:17:03,579
- I beg your pardon?
- Well, of course, sir.
334
00:17:03,603 --> 00:17:06,549
Biggles and Ginger are lovers.
It's absolutely obvious.
335
00:17:06,573 --> 00:17:08,617
I think it's great the way
336
00:17:08,641 --> 00:17:11,643
they make such a positive image
of a homosexual partnership.
337
00:17:16,816 --> 00:17:19,828
Biggles and Ginger
338
00:17:19,852 --> 00:17:23,466
are comrades, constable Habib.
339
00:17:23,490 --> 00:17:26,169
Comrades in arms.
340
00:17:26,193 --> 00:17:28,003
Exactly.
341
00:17:28,027 --> 00:17:30,173
I am stunned, constable Habib.
342
00:17:30,197 --> 00:17:32,408
Absolutely stunned.
And indeed distressed
343
00:17:32,432 --> 00:17:34,277
that you choose to apply such a crass
344
00:17:34,301 --> 00:17:36,579
and puerile sexual connotation
345
00:17:36,603 --> 00:17:38,581
to innocent adventure yarns.
346
00:17:38,605 --> 00:17:41,484
Come on, sir, they're grown men.
They must have a sexual life,
347
00:17:41,508 --> 00:17:43,386
but neither of them ever mention women.
348
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,455
They bunk together, breakfast together.
349
00:17:45,479 --> 00:17:48,057
Biggles is always squeezing
himself into Ginger's...
350
00:17:48,081 --> 00:17:50,549
- Cockpit.
- Sopwith camel.
351
00:17:51,551 --> 00:17:52,962
It's obvious.
352
00:17:52,986 --> 00:17:55,687
It's the same with Sherlock
Holmes and Dr. Watson.
353
00:17:58,225 --> 00:18:00,436
Two blokes sharing a flat.
354
00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:02,572
Sometimes it's months between cases.
355
00:18:02,596 --> 00:18:04,863
What do they get up to in the meantime?
356
00:18:06,333 --> 00:18:08,501
They chat!
357
00:18:09,936 --> 00:18:12,181
They smoke their pipes!
358
00:18:12,205 --> 00:18:14,850
They poke the fire!
359
00:18:18,145 --> 00:18:21,557
Look, sir, if Holmes and
Watson are lovers, so what?
360
00:18:21,581 --> 00:18:23,459
Is there anything wrong with that?
361
00:18:23,483 --> 00:18:25,161
Yes, constable, there is.
362
00:18:25,185 --> 00:18:28,764
Because sex plays no part
in these stories whatsoever,
363
00:18:28,788 --> 00:18:30,666
hetero or otherwise.
364
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:34,637
The point of Biggles
and of Sherlock Holmes
365
00:18:34,661 --> 00:18:37,306
is to solve crimes and kill Germans.
366
00:18:37,330 --> 00:18:39,798
And by heavens, that should
be enough for any man.
367
00:18:46,439 --> 00:18:49,452
I'm taking up a collection for
the queen's birthday present.
368
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:52,288
Look, Raymond, you may
have time for fannying about
369
00:18:52,312 --> 00:18:54,290
with presents and Biggles;
370
00:18:54,314 --> 00:18:58,161
me and my officers are up to our
necks in important detective work.
371
00:18:58,185 --> 00:19:00,396
My officers and I.
372
00:19:00,420 --> 00:19:03,566
- What about them?
- Nothing about them.
373
00:19:03,590 --> 00:19:05,701
I'm simply informing
you that the phrase is,
374
00:19:05,725 --> 00:19:07,893
"my officers and I,"
not "me and my officers."
375
00:19:09,629 --> 00:19:13,576
Is that so?! Well, me and my officers
376
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,479
are on the brink of tracking
down a bank-raid gang
377
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,381
via credit card transactions
378
00:19:18,405 --> 00:19:20,383
which is, I think, a bit more important
379
00:19:20,407 --> 00:19:23,619
than fannying about and
speaking hoity-toity.
380
00:19:23,643 --> 00:19:26,922
The rules of grammar,
hoity-toity or otherwise,
381
00:19:26,946 --> 00:19:29,692
are there so that meaningful
sentences can be formed
382
00:19:29,716 --> 00:19:32,061
and more importantly,
generally understood.
383
00:19:32,085 --> 00:19:34,397
Start stringing words
together Willy-nilly
384
00:19:34,421 --> 00:19:36,332
and it could lead to
no end of confusion.
385
00:19:36,356 --> 00:19:38,967
Constable Kray, lend me
your notebook. Look here...
386
00:19:38,991 --> 00:19:41,804
"The criminal ran round
my side and out the back
387
00:19:41,828 --> 00:19:44,273
at a colossal lick."
388
00:19:44,297 --> 00:19:46,809
Jumble up the words
and suddenly you have,
389
00:19:46,833 --> 00:19:51,337
"the criminal licked out my
colossal round backside and ran."
390
00:19:52,606 --> 00:19:53,916
Is that so?!
391
00:19:53,940 --> 00:19:57,320
Well, try these words
in a different order!
392
00:19:57,344 --> 00:19:59,555
"Bugger" and "off!"
393
00:19:59,579 --> 00:20:02,658
I mean, "off" and "bugger!"
394
00:20:02,682 --> 00:20:04,250
Damn!
395
00:20:09,223 --> 00:20:10,900
Now remember what I said, Kevin.
396
00:20:10,924 --> 00:20:13,103
Act like a man... be
firm, be masterful.
397
00:20:13,127 --> 00:20:15,328
So basically, just be myself.
398
00:20:16,597 --> 00:20:17,896
No.
399
00:20:20,501 --> 00:20:23,846
Hey, you! Jaywalking is a crime.
400
00:20:23,870 --> 00:20:27,083
Get back on the pavement. Get
back on the pavement, please.
401
00:20:27,107 --> 00:20:29,285
Goody, would you
mind telling me what...
402
00:20:29,309 --> 00:20:31,287
Hang on a minute. Pickpocket.
403
00:20:31,311 --> 00:20:33,779
Not this time, punk!
404
00:20:40,354 --> 00:20:42,999
Crime's a disease. Meet the cure.
405
00:20:43,023 --> 00:20:46,603
That's my grandson. He's
helping me carry my shopping.
406
00:20:46,627 --> 00:20:48,694
He squashed my plums, gran.
407
00:20:49,763 --> 00:20:51,274
Don't be silly, love.
408
00:20:51,298 --> 00:20:53,899
I didn't buy any plums.
409
00:20:56,436 --> 00:20:58,314
At last. Hello?
410
00:20:58,338 --> 00:21:01,507
Is that the "emergency lost credit
card instant speedy hotline"?
411
00:21:02,509 --> 00:21:04,377
Yes, I can hold.
412
00:21:08,014 --> 00:21:12,462
Hello? Yes. Yes, I'd like to
report the loss of my credit cards.
413
00:21:12,486 --> 00:21:15,598
First, however, I should like
to point out that the words
414
00:21:15,622 --> 00:21:17,900
"emergency," "instant,"
415
00:21:17,924 --> 00:21:21,026
and "speedy" have no place
in your company title.
416
00:21:22,028 --> 00:21:23,973
"Infuriating," yes.
417
00:21:23,997 --> 00:21:25,308
"Tawdry," certainly.
418
00:21:25,332 --> 00:21:28,010
"Absolutely blinking
outrageous," oh, I think so.
419
00:21:28,034 --> 00:21:29,979
No, madam, I will not
accept your apology
420
00:21:30,003 --> 00:21:32,048
because I do not
believe that you mean it.
421
00:21:32,072 --> 00:21:34,450
I believe that you are
indifferent to the fact
422
00:21:34,474 --> 00:21:37,810
that I've just had to listen to
"the mull of kintyre" seven times.
423
00:21:39,145 --> 00:21:41,324
Hello?
424
00:21:41,348 --> 00:21:43,393
Hello?
425
00:21:43,417 --> 00:21:44,994
Sir?
426
00:21:45,018 --> 00:21:47,697
- Yes?
- I've traced that missing credit card.
427
00:21:47,721 --> 00:21:50,500
You're gonna love this.
428
00:21:52,792 --> 00:21:54,270
Oh yes.
429
00:21:54,294 --> 00:21:58,074
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.
430
00:21:58,098 --> 00:22:00,210
Oh yes, oh yes...
431
00:22:00,234 --> 00:22:01,611
- Oh yes, Kray!
- Aah!
432
00:22:01,635 --> 00:22:04,447
That was the worst beat
I have ever been on.
433
00:22:04,471 --> 00:22:07,250
It was like being on patrol
with a flippin' two-year-old.
434
00:22:07,274 --> 00:22:09,018
Look...
435
00:22:09,042 --> 00:22:12,422
He was a funny looking old bloke
hanging around at a school gate.
436
00:22:12,446 --> 00:22:17,627
- I had to collar him.
- Kevin, he was a lollipop man.
437
00:22:17,651 --> 00:22:20,453
Just keep out of my
way for a while, okay?
438
00:22:22,021 --> 00:22:24,667
That's it. I'm just wasting my time.
439
00:22:24,691 --> 00:22:27,803
I think I'm gonna pack it
in. I'm gonna leave the force.
440
00:22:27,827 --> 00:22:31,173
I just had a call from the fire
brigade. They're in the high street.
441
00:22:31,197 --> 00:22:33,443
A man is threatening
suicide from a tall building.
442
00:22:33,467 --> 00:22:35,211
I'm going to attend the scene myself.
443
00:22:35,235 --> 00:22:37,880
That'll make him jump,
if nothing else does.
444
00:22:37,904 --> 00:22:40,783
Constable Habib, I may
require a woman officer.
445
00:22:40,807 --> 00:22:43,309
- Kindly come with me.
- Yes, sir.
446
00:22:46,647 --> 00:22:48,524
I reckon she hates me now.
447
00:22:48,548 --> 00:22:51,127
I reckon she thinks I'm a prannet.
448
00:22:51,151 --> 00:22:52,895
Oh yeah? How'd you work that out?
449
00:22:52,919 --> 00:22:54,430
It was something she said.
450
00:22:54,454 --> 00:22:57,333
She said, "I hate you, Kevin,
I think you're a prannet."
451
00:22:57,357 --> 00:22:59,101
Look,
452
00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:01,070
you got to grovel a bit, ain't you, eh?
453
00:23:01,094 --> 00:23:03,673
The birds love it. You
gotta say, "listen, doll,
454
00:23:03,697 --> 00:23:05,408
I was a real pillock."
455
00:23:05,432 --> 00:23:07,343
A bucket of champagne, and the chockies,
456
00:23:07,367 --> 00:23:09,078
and steam in for the bunk-up.
457
00:23:09,102 --> 00:23:12,081
Right. Champagne, and chocolates.
458
00:23:12,105 --> 00:23:14,350
Yeah, it gets them
every time, doesn't it?
459
00:23:14,374 --> 00:23:17,276
The drawer dropper,
the knicker stripper.
460
00:23:20,414 --> 00:23:24,193
Excuse me, sir, would you
mind coming in off this ledge?
461
00:23:24,217 --> 00:23:27,697
Oh! Oh, you care about me now, do you?
462
00:23:27,721 --> 00:23:30,667
Nobody respects me,
nobody cares about me.
463
00:23:30,691 --> 00:23:32,935
I'm a nothing, a nobody,
464
00:23:32,959 --> 00:23:35,805
friendless and alone.
465
00:23:35,829 --> 00:23:39,632
But the same thing could be
said about the prime minister...
466
00:23:40,667 --> 00:23:43,112
And he leads a full and active life.
467
00:23:43,136 --> 00:23:46,849
Give me one good reason not to jump!
468
00:23:46,873 --> 00:23:48,207
All right, I will.
469
00:23:49,543 --> 00:23:52,154
That is a public pavement down there.
470
00:23:52,178 --> 00:23:54,724
Others have to use that pavement,
471
00:23:54,748 --> 00:23:58,528
and they should not be required to
circumnavigate your pureed person
472
00:23:58,552 --> 00:24:00,296
in order to do so.
473
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:01,864
May I speak to him, sir?
474
00:24:01,888 --> 00:24:05,791
Oh, very well, I seem to have
exhausted my powers of persuasion.
475
00:24:07,761 --> 00:24:09,171
Remember me?
476
00:24:09,195 --> 00:24:11,073
You say nobody cares about you.
477
00:24:11,097 --> 00:24:12,342
That's a lie.
478
00:24:12,366 --> 00:24:14,577
I decided to leave the police today...
479
00:24:14,601 --> 00:24:16,078
Because of you
480
00:24:16,102 --> 00:24:18,113
and how we could do nothing to help.
481
00:24:18,137 --> 00:24:19,549
Is that true?
482
00:24:19,573 --> 00:24:22,685
- Yes, constable Habib, is that true?
- It was true.
483
00:24:22,709 --> 00:24:25,555
But I can see now it
would just be running away.
484
00:24:25,579 --> 00:24:27,256
Just like you're running away now.
485
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,793
The bloke who did your house
over isn't going to make me run.
486
00:24:30,817 --> 00:24:33,596
And you shouldn't let
him make you, either.
487
00:24:33,620 --> 00:24:37,266
He took your video, but
he can't take your spirit.
488
00:24:37,290 --> 00:24:39,792
You have to give that away yourself.
489
00:24:42,396 --> 00:24:44,640
For god's sake, man,
what are you waiting for?
490
00:24:44,664 --> 00:24:47,343
I've never heard anything so
well put in my entire life.
491
00:24:47,367 --> 00:24:49,334
Come on in off that ledge this instant.
492
00:24:52,605 --> 00:24:55,351
I was extremely proud of
you today, constable Habib.
493
00:24:55,375 --> 00:24:58,510
It wasn't your fault
the silly fool jumped.
494
00:25:00,947 --> 00:25:02,825
Inspector Fowler,
495
00:25:02,849 --> 00:25:04,393
you are under arrest.
496
00:25:04,417 --> 00:25:07,396
I beg your pardon, inspector Grim?
497
00:25:07,420 --> 00:25:08,865
A credit card belonging to you
498
00:25:08,889 --> 00:25:10,599
has been used to hire a car
499
00:25:10,623 --> 00:25:13,302
which was subsequently
deployed in a drug deal.
500
00:25:13,326 --> 00:25:17,240
You know damn well that my pocket was
picked. My credit cards were taken.
501
00:25:17,264 --> 00:25:20,810
Is that so? It hasn't been
reported stolen, has it, Kray?
502
00:25:20,834 --> 00:25:25,214
No, sir. When did you discover
the loss of this credit card?
503
00:25:25,238 --> 00:25:27,250
This morning, at the briefing!
504
00:25:27,274 --> 00:25:30,686
And yet you still haven't
reported it eight hours later?
505
00:25:30,710 --> 00:25:33,022
I've been trying!
They were engaged...
506
00:25:35,949 --> 00:25:38,394
How's it feel to have someone being
507
00:25:38,418 --> 00:25:42,899
a bit clever and hoity-toity
with you for a change, Raymond?
508
00:25:42,923 --> 00:25:46,135
We got the bloke who nicked
your card and the drugs.
509
00:25:46,159 --> 00:25:49,538
It's gonna look pretty amusing
when it comes up on your statement...
510
00:25:49,562 --> 00:25:52,675
A stolen car plus
half a pound of heroin.
511
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,768
You be a bit more careful in future.
512
00:25:57,770 --> 00:25:59,748
Yes, thank you, Derek, I will.
513
00:25:59,772 --> 00:26:02,651
Inspector Grim, there's
been another burglary.
514
00:26:02,675 --> 00:26:04,220
Sergeant Dawkins,
515
00:26:04,244 --> 00:26:07,323
how often do I have to tell
you I'm a detective inspector?
516
00:26:07,347 --> 00:26:11,093
I don't bother with
burglaries. Get uniform to go.
517
00:26:11,117 --> 00:26:12,628
All right. Constable Habib,
518
00:26:12,652 --> 00:26:14,864
inspector Grim's house
has just been burgled.
519
00:26:14,888 --> 00:26:17,967
Come on, let's go, go, go!
520
00:26:17,991 --> 00:26:21,670
Wonder if he'll lose his
self-esteem and try and kill himself?
521
00:26:21,694 --> 00:26:23,873
He will when he realizes it was a hoax.
522
00:26:23,897 --> 00:26:27,543
Do you know, sometimes I just
can't read my own handwriting.
523
00:26:27,567 --> 00:26:30,046
That was extremely
wrong of you, Patricia.
524
00:26:30,070 --> 00:26:32,938
But he was probably going home anyway.
525
00:26:34,374 --> 00:26:36,075
- Thank you.
- Stuff it.
526
00:26:38,178 --> 00:26:40,957
I'm afraid sergeant Dawkins
isn't very pleased with you.
527
00:26:40,981 --> 00:26:43,559
The 10th anniversary of our relationship
528
00:26:43,583 --> 00:26:45,694
and you didn't get me anything!
529
00:26:45,718 --> 00:26:48,664
I don't know why you set such
store by presents anyway, pat.
530
00:26:48,688 --> 00:26:51,133
Personally, I hate the way a man thinks
531
00:26:51,157 --> 00:26:53,202
when he's acted like a complete berk
532
00:26:53,226 --> 00:26:57,096
he can make it all right with a few
chockies and a bottle of champagne.
533
00:26:58,431 --> 00:27:01,310
I'd love a man who bought
me chockies and champagne.
534
00:27:01,334 --> 00:27:03,212
Maybe for an anniversary.
535
00:27:03,236 --> 00:27:06,215
But any bloke who thought he
could buy my affections like that
536
00:27:06,239 --> 00:27:08,484
would get a punch in the mouth!
537
00:27:08,508 --> 00:27:12,154
What do you want, Kevin? And what
are you hiding behind your back?
538
00:27:12,178 --> 00:27:14,123
Nothing.
539
00:27:14,147 --> 00:27:17,393
Nothing, that is...
540
00:27:17,417 --> 00:27:19,228
Except the chocolates and champagne
541
00:27:19,252 --> 00:27:21,197
which I asked you to get for me
542
00:27:21,221 --> 00:27:23,099
while I was out at the suicide attempt.
543
00:27:23,123 --> 00:27:25,057
Isn't that right, Goody?
544
00:27:31,097 --> 00:27:33,098
Hand them over then, laddie.
545
00:27:34,500 --> 00:27:36,735
We can settle up later.
546
00:27:40,006 --> 00:27:43,485
Well, now, cabbage,
547
00:27:43,509 --> 00:27:45,821
I have to confess that
I'm more than a little hurt
548
00:27:45,845 --> 00:27:48,490
that you could think I
would forget our anniversary.
549
00:27:48,514 --> 00:27:51,750
Perhaps sometimes you forget
that I have feelings too.
550
00:27:52,752 --> 00:27:54,353
I'm sorry, peachy.
551
00:27:55,989 --> 00:27:58,090
"To darling Maggie"...
552
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,239
Spelt with one "g" and a "y."
553
00:28:03,263 --> 00:28:05,774
"Sorry about arresting the lollipop man.
554
00:28:05,798 --> 00:28:07,799
Any chance of a bunk-up? Love, Kevin."
555
00:28:19,412 --> 00:28:21,813
Do you think we got away with it, sir?
40272
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