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Good afternoon. Carry on.
2
00:00:36,106 --> 00:00:37,984
Sit down, sit down.
3
00:00:38,008 --> 00:00:40,920
Now then, everybody,
I have exciting news,
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00:00:40,944 --> 00:00:43,056
exciting news indeed.
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00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,892
Gasforth has been
selected to host the next
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00:00:45,916 --> 00:00:48,550
subdistrict regional police conference.
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00:00:51,487 --> 00:00:53,866
Yes, I thought you'd be excited.
8
00:00:53,890 --> 00:00:55,768
When I read the letter this morning,
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I nearly had to have another cup of tea.
10
00:00:58,294 --> 00:01:01,107
We are to have an
opportunity to put our views
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00:01:01,131 --> 00:01:05,277
to a deputy assistant undersecretary
of state to the cabinet,
12
00:01:05,301 --> 00:01:09,648
A man who has the ear of a
man who has the ear of the man
13
00:01:09,672 --> 00:01:12,685
who has a foot in the home office.
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You've lost me completely now, sir.
15
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We are just two ears and a
foot from the home secretary.
16
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We must not waste this chance
17
00:01:21,184 --> 00:01:23,129
to place the issues that really count
18
00:01:23,153 --> 00:01:24,764
right at the heart of government.
19
00:01:24,788 --> 00:01:26,298
You're absolutely right, sir.
20
00:01:26,322 --> 00:01:28,667
Let's ask the old git for a pay raise.
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There are some of us,
constable Habib, who believe
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there is more to policing
than the weekly stipend.
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00:01:33,529 --> 00:01:36,609
Like being able to drive through
red lights when you feel like it.
24
00:01:36,633 --> 00:01:38,878
I beg your pardon?
25
00:01:38,902 --> 00:01:41,536
And really cool riot gear
like they have on robocop.
26
00:01:43,006 --> 00:01:44,316
And tear gas.
27
00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:46,452
I had to go with that
once, it was brilliant.
28
00:01:46,476 --> 00:01:49,088
Except you have to check
which way the wind is blowing
29
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'cause I forgot and it didn't
half sting, went right in my eye.
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00:01:51,982 --> 00:01:53,826
Goody.
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00:01:53,850 --> 00:01:57,463
Tell 'em we want those long truncheons
they have on "N.Y.P.D. Blue."
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00:01:57,487 --> 00:01:59,365
Don't be absurd, constable.
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00:01:59,389 --> 00:02:02,034
Those telegraph poles that
american officers carry
34
00:02:02,058 --> 00:02:04,237
are just so much macho posturing.
35
00:02:04,261 --> 00:02:07,039
The traditional truncheon
is perfectly adequate.
36
00:02:07,063 --> 00:02:09,708
Personally I've always
felt more than satisfied
37
00:02:09,732 --> 00:02:12,534
with 14 inches hanging
down inside my trouser leg.
38
00:02:16,173 --> 00:02:18,383
Have I said something amusing,
constable Habib?
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00:02:18,408 --> 00:02:19,483
No, sir.
40
00:02:19,508 --> 00:02:22,822
Then you will oblige me by wiping
that silly grin off your face.
41
00:02:22,846 --> 00:02:26,392
Anyway, the subject of the
conference is rather specific.
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00:02:26,416 --> 00:02:28,928
We have been asked to
prepare an initiative
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on an aspect of juvenile crime.
44
00:02:31,754 --> 00:02:33,332
So what do you think it should be?
45
00:02:33,356 --> 00:02:36,302
Truancy? Taking without consent?
46
00:02:36,326 --> 00:02:40,372
- The scourge of graffiti?
- I don't see graffiti as a scourge, sir.
47
00:02:40,396 --> 00:02:42,597
I see it as a new urban art form.
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00:02:44,734 --> 00:02:46,979
Have you run mad, constable Habib?
49
00:02:47,003 --> 00:02:49,615
No, I'm serious, sir.
Isn't it just a vibrant
50
00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:51,717
and contemporary form
of youth expression?
51
00:02:51,741 --> 00:02:54,877
No, it's a bunch of nasty
little yobs scribbling on walls.
52
00:02:56,213 --> 00:02:59,315
I blame these awful fridge magnets.
53
00:03:03,820 --> 00:03:06,032
Yes, and for those of
us who are conducting
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00:03:06,056 --> 00:03:07,934
this briefing on earth...
55
00:03:07,958 --> 00:03:10,436
I've seen it at my niece's house.
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00:03:10,460 --> 00:03:13,639
Every time her toddler
does a nasty little scribble
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00:03:13,663 --> 00:03:15,607
it gets stuck up on the fridge.
58
00:03:15,631 --> 00:03:19,846
- Yes...
- And everyone has to say how nice it is.
59
00:03:19,870 --> 00:03:22,081
So young people grow up thinking that
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00:03:22,105 --> 00:03:25,784
their stupid scribblings
are somehow wonderful.
61
00:03:25,808 --> 00:03:28,321
So they carry on
scribbling, forever searching
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00:03:28,345 --> 00:03:32,791
for that warm glow of
appreciation that they used to feel
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00:03:32,815 --> 00:03:35,117
when standing round the fridge.
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00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,832
Yes, and that completes
this week's training session
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00:03:39,856 --> 00:03:42,634
for the Gasforth police
synchronized idiots team.
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00:03:42,658 --> 00:03:45,604
Perhaps you can return to
the subject of juvenile crime.
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00:03:45,628 --> 00:03:48,040
I think the first step is to stop seeing
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00:03:48,064 --> 00:03:50,409
these kids as nothing
but criminal thugs, sir.
69
00:03:50,433 --> 00:03:52,644
And what other
description might one find
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00:03:52,668 --> 00:03:54,713
for those who vandalize property,
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00:03:54,737 --> 00:03:56,582
steal cars, and instruct me
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00:03:56,606 --> 00:03:58,450
whenever I venture out in my helmet
73
00:03:58,474 --> 00:04:01,553
to remove the cold tit from my head?
74
00:04:01,577 --> 00:04:04,023
These kids are bored.
We've got to provide them
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00:04:04,047 --> 00:04:05,958
with some meaning in their lives.
76
00:04:05,982 --> 00:04:09,328
Yes, constable Habib, in fact I
was thinking along similar lines.
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00:04:09,352 --> 00:04:12,698
What do you suggest we do to bring
about this sense of moral renewal?
78
00:04:12,722 --> 00:04:16,002
Well, we need real jobs, decent housing,
79
00:04:16,026 --> 00:04:19,405
we need long-term investment in
the urban social infrastructure.
80
00:04:19,429 --> 00:04:22,308
Hmm. Yes, I was thinking
more along the lines
81
00:04:22,332 --> 00:04:24,566
of a short camping trip.
82
00:04:25,635 --> 00:04:27,413
A camping trip?
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00:04:27,437 --> 00:04:30,649
A bleeding camping trip?
84
00:04:30,673 --> 00:04:31,884
Blimey!
85
00:04:31,908 --> 00:04:34,086
Am I to take it that you do not approve
86
00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,922
of my proposed initiative?
87
00:04:35,946 --> 00:04:37,723
Yes you may take it, Raymond,
88
00:04:37,747 --> 00:04:40,326
and you may shove it
up your truncheon pouch.
89
00:04:40,350 --> 00:04:43,529
Society is collapsing round our ears,
90
00:04:43,553 --> 00:04:48,367
and Baden-Powell here calls for
a chorus of ging gang goolies.
91
00:04:48,391 --> 00:04:51,971
- Ging gang gooly.
- What?
92
00:04:51,995 --> 00:04:54,506
The goolies are singular.
93
00:04:54,530 --> 00:04:56,742
The song you refer to goes,
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00:04:56,766 --> 00:04:59,245
"ging gang gooly gooly
gooly gooly wotcher
95
00:04:59,269 --> 00:05:01,747
ging gang goo ging gang goo"...
96
00:05:01,771 --> 00:05:03,749
Fowler!
97
00:05:03,773 --> 00:05:07,386
We are discussing youth
crime, which will not be solved
98
00:05:07,410 --> 00:05:11,890
by shoving a sausage on a
stick and whistling "kumbaya."
99
00:05:11,914 --> 00:05:15,761
It's war out there, mate, war,
and the bleeding kids are winning.
100
00:05:15,785 --> 00:05:18,998
It's not war, Derek,
or anything of the sort.
101
00:05:19,022 --> 00:05:23,169
The vast majority of young
people are law-abiding citizens.
102
00:05:23,193 --> 00:05:25,237
I admit we don't like them,
103
00:05:25,261 --> 00:05:28,807
but if it were illegal to be sex-mad,
104
00:05:28,831 --> 00:05:31,277
tone-deaf, and
impossible to understand,
105
00:05:31,301 --> 00:05:34,370
we should have to arrest the
entire population of France.
106
00:05:36,373 --> 00:05:39,986
Our problem is the tiny
minority of repeat offenders.
107
00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:43,356
Exactly, and what they need
is a short, sharp shock, mate,
108
00:05:43,380 --> 00:05:45,591
not having their coddles mollied.
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00:05:45,615 --> 00:05:48,527
I have no intention of mollying anyone.
110
00:05:48,551 --> 00:05:51,097
What I'm proposing is tough, demanding,
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00:05:51,121 --> 00:05:53,732
but ultimately rewarding
physical endeavor.
112
00:05:53,756 --> 00:05:56,369
There is a course for
probationary young offenders
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00:05:56,393 --> 00:05:58,437
run by brigadier Blaster Sump.
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00:05:58,461 --> 00:06:01,107
Blaster Sump? That looney?
115
00:06:01,131 --> 00:06:04,743
- I admit he's eccentric.
- Eccentric? The bloke tried to be the first man
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00:06:04,767 --> 00:06:08,314
to reach the south
pole in short trousers.
117
00:06:08,338 --> 00:06:12,751
Look, I'm not having you
disgracing this station
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00:06:12,775 --> 00:06:16,088
with a load of wishy-washy, diddums'
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00:06:16,112 --> 00:06:20,192
half cock, up your
social worker, folderol,
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00:06:20,216 --> 00:06:25,231
blame it on society,
psycho, sicko, socio,
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00:06:25,255 --> 00:06:27,489
claptrap crap.
122
00:06:29,759 --> 00:06:31,793
Well at least I'm doing something.
123
00:06:32,795 --> 00:06:34,740
What are you doing? Nothing.
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00:06:34,764 --> 00:06:37,609
Where's your passion? Your commitment?
125
00:06:37,633 --> 00:06:39,912
You know what your
trouble is, don't you?
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00:06:39,936 --> 00:06:42,515
You have no bottom, man.
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00:06:42,539 --> 00:06:46,952
Did you just call me
a man with no bottom?
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00:06:46,976 --> 00:06:49,121
Yes I did. Apart, of course,
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00:06:49,145 --> 00:06:51,757
from the one you use
to communicate with.
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00:06:51,781 --> 00:06:53,625
Right. I'll show you who's got
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00:06:53,649 --> 00:06:55,794
the bigger bottom round this station.
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00:06:55,818 --> 00:06:58,964
C.I.D. are gonna make a presentation.
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00:06:58,988 --> 00:07:02,568
I'll show the conference what
you do with juvenile offenders.
134
00:07:02,592 --> 00:07:04,803
You nick 'em, you lock 'em up,
135
00:07:04,827 --> 00:07:07,339
and you throw away the door.
136
00:07:07,363 --> 00:07:09,108
I mean the key.
137
00:07:09,132 --> 00:07:11,032
You throw away the key.
138
00:07:12,702 --> 00:07:15,414
All right, sir, let's
see your driving license.
139
00:07:15,438 --> 00:07:17,549
Do you have any idea who my father is?
140
00:07:17,573 --> 00:07:19,908
I'm afraid I can't help
you on that one, sir.
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00:07:21,911 --> 00:07:23,578
Have you tried asking your mother?
142
00:07:27,016 --> 00:07:30,518
What do you reckon, sir?
♪ Doo-doo-doo, acid! ♪
143
00:07:31,921 --> 00:07:34,466
Very nice, very ravey.
144
00:07:34,490 --> 00:07:38,003
- You gotta make the effort, haven't you, sir?
- Yes you have, Kray.
145
00:07:38,027 --> 00:07:40,339
'Cause this is a very
important operation.
146
00:07:40,363 --> 00:07:43,242
And it's my ass, and if you stuff it
147
00:07:43,266 --> 00:07:45,633
I'm going to end up
very red in the face.
148
00:07:46,936 --> 00:07:49,414
Now, the kids in this squat
149
00:07:49,438 --> 00:07:51,951
are the nastiest little
gits in the neighborhood?
150
00:07:51,975 --> 00:07:56,288
- All repeat offenders, sir.
- Right, all we have to do is catch 'em at it.
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00:07:56,312 --> 00:08:00,226
Undercover operation,
constables, very sensitive stuff.
152
00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:02,061
Now...
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00:08:02,085 --> 00:08:04,253
I'm a van driver, as you can see.
154
00:08:06,155 --> 00:08:09,902
You two will have to play the
part of brain-dead juvenile morons.
155
00:08:09,926 --> 00:08:14,596
I'd probably be better off
using some of Fowler's lot.
156
00:08:16,933 --> 00:08:18,878
- Did you hear that, Kray?
- Yeah.
157
00:08:18,902 --> 00:08:22,714
I said a good one. I said,
"I'd probably be better off..."
158
00:08:22,738 --> 00:08:24,716
Yes, brilliant, sir.
159
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:28,120
Try not to be too hilarious, I've
only got one pair of these trousers.
160
00:08:28,144 --> 00:08:31,556
Well anyway... Down to business.
161
00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:34,994
I'll show the subdistrict
regional police conference
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00:08:35,018 --> 00:08:37,629
what sort of kids the
modern copper has to face.
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00:08:37,653 --> 00:08:40,065
Nothing but villains and
hooligans the lot of 'em.
164
00:08:40,089 --> 00:08:43,068
Do you know what? There's
only one way to deal with it.
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00:08:43,092 --> 00:08:44,904
You put the maternity hospitals
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00:08:44,928 --> 00:08:47,139
inside the juvenile detention centers.
167
00:08:47,163 --> 00:08:49,041
What?
168
00:08:49,065 --> 00:08:51,810
Out of the mom and into the cell?
169
00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:55,881
- Yeah.
- That's a very good idea, Kray.
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00:08:55,905 --> 00:08:59,618
I may suggest that
to the home secretary.
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00:08:59,642 --> 00:09:01,653
Come on.
172
00:09:01,677 --> 00:09:04,990
I'm really looking forward
to going on this camping trip,
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00:09:05,014 --> 00:09:07,960
really getting back to basics.
174
00:09:07,984 --> 00:09:10,362
I always think that food
tastes so much better
175
00:09:10,386 --> 00:09:13,332
if you have to open the tins yourself.
176
00:09:13,356 --> 00:09:15,700
Oh yes, it'll be good getting right back
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00:09:15,724 --> 00:09:17,602
to nature and living life in the raw.
178
00:09:17,626 --> 00:09:21,106
You're not thinking of taking
your clothes off are you, Kevin?
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00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:23,943
As if. My mother would
do her raving nana.
180
00:09:23,967 --> 00:09:25,877
Oh good, good.
181
00:09:25,901 --> 00:09:30,115
Because I always thought that
naturism is a very dangerous idea.
182
00:09:30,139 --> 00:09:32,818
I mean it would only take
one short-sighted squirrel.
183
00:09:32,842 --> 00:09:36,922
Well squirrels is all we're
likely to see on this camping trip.
184
00:09:36,946 --> 00:09:38,690
Do you know, I wish there were still
185
00:09:38,714 --> 00:09:40,592
proper, dangerous wild animals.
186
00:09:40,616 --> 00:09:42,694
Then I could save
constable Habib from one
187
00:09:42,718 --> 00:09:44,196
and she'd fall in love with me.
188
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,498
Lots of women are scared of spiders.
189
00:09:46,522 --> 00:09:48,167
Maybe Maggie is.
190
00:09:48,191 --> 00:09:51,236
If I put one in her tent, maybe
you could save her from it.
191
00:09:51,260 --> 00:09:53,105
Yes, yes, that's quite a good plan.
192
00:09:53,129 --> 00:09:54,806
But the only problem is...
193
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:56,875
I wouldn't go within five million miles
194
00:09:56,899 --> 00:09:58,833
of any tent that had a spider in it.
195
00:10:02,271 --> 00:10:05,351
More social reports on
juvenile repeat offenders, sir,
196
00:10:05,375 --> 00:10:07,719
mostly connected with drugs and alcohol.
197
00:10:07,743 --> 00:10:10,255
Oh, great curried dumplings.
198
00:10:10,279 --> 00:10:12,891
It really is very depressing, isn't it?
199
00:10:12,915 --> 00:10:15,027
I just want to show a few youngsters
200
00:10:15,051 --> 00:10:17,596
that innocent pastimes can be fun too.
201
00:10:17,620 --> 00:10:20,832
- Yes, sir.
- I mean, I didn't need drink and drugs
202
00:10:20,856 --> 00:10:23,235
to have a good time
when I was their age.
203
00:10:23,259 --> 00:10:25,460
I had meccano.
204
00:10:27,263 --> 00:10:30,909
Ecstasy? Huh! I'll tell
you what ecstasy is-
205
00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:35,070
Completing a scale model of the
fourth bridge, that's what ecstasy is.
206
00:10:36,406 --> 00:10:39,118
It makes me sad to see
these children today
207
00:10:39,142 --> 00:10:42,388
with their drugs and sex and music.
208
00:10:42,412 --> 00:10:44,923
They'll never know the
joy a young lad can have
209
00:10:44,947 --> 00:10:47,015
sitting alone in his room...
210
00:10:50,186 --> 00:10:53,332
With his tool in his hand...
211
00:10:53,356 --> 00:10:55,524
Tightening his little nuts.
212
00:10:59,028 --> 00:11:01,188
Sounds like you've got a cough coming on,
constable.
213
00:11:01,212 --> 00:11:02,364
Yeah.
214
00:11:04,667 --> 00:11:06,778
Listen to 'em.
215
00:11:06,802 --> 00:11:09,014
Ruddy morons.
216
00:11:09,038 --> 00:11:11,483
High on ecstasy, no doubt.
217
00:11:11,507 --> 00:11:14,520
Yeah, well if that girl's on ecstasy,
218
00:11:14,544 --> 00:11:17,289
she should ask for her money back.
219
00:11:17,313 --> 00:11:19,281
Bas...
220
00:11:22,351 --> 00:11:24,329
- I've done it, Bas.
- Told you it'd be easy.
221
00:11:24,353 --> 00:11:27,399
It was the most terrible thing
I've ever had to do in my life.
222
00:11:27,423 --> 00:11:30,024
Yeah, yeah, it's horrible.
Did you get my fags?
223
00:11:32,795 --> 00:11:35,964
Right, you two, this is it,
let's hear your inane giggles.
224
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:41,380
Not bad, not bad, we'll
make detectives of you yet.
225
00:11:41,404 --> 00:11:43,805
Go on, then. Go and do your stuff.
226
00:11:46,609 --> 00:11:48,454
What's happening, man? Nice one.
227
00:11:48,478 --> 00:11:51,213
Yeah, happening. Sounds
like a banging good rave.
228
00:11:52,248 --> 00:11:54,159
Got any E? I want to score.
229
00:11:54,183 --> 00:11:56,251
Bug off, copper.
230
00:12:02,691 --> 00:12:05,036
Some kids kicked over our bins, Pat.
231
00:12:05,060 --> 00:12:06,972
I was clearing it up
a bit and I found this.
232
00:12:06,996 --> 00:12:09,475
You shouldn't have picked
it up, it could be a bomb.
233
00:12:09,499 --> 00:12:12,100
If it is, it's a stink bomb.
234
00:12:20,143 --> 00:12:22,854
The social services are
coming to take it to hospital
235
00:12:22,878 --> 00:12:25,557
- in about half an hour.
- No hurry.
236
00:12:25,581 --> 00:12:28,827
How could somebody just
dump their baby like that?
237
00:12:28,851 --> 00:12:31,029
She's so beautiful.
238
00:12:31,053 --> 00:12:33,298
She's ugly, Pat.
239
00:12:33,322 --> 00:12:36,268
All newborn babies are.
They're like prunes.
240
00:12:36,292 --> 00:12:38,870
They get nice, but they start ugly.
241
00:12:38,894 --> 00:12:42,474
How would you look after you'd spent
nine months in somebody's stomach?
242
00:12:42,498 --> 00:12:45,076
That's true, that's
true. I've seen things
243
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:48,980
that haven't spent more than
five minutes in my stomach.
244
00:12:49,004 --> 00:12:53,908
I wouldn't want to go wheeling
them around tesco's in a pram.
245
00:12:55,044 --> 00:12:56,921
Habib, it's all hands to the pumps.
246
00:12:56,945 --> 00:12:59,691
There's been a disturbance
at the britannia social club.
247
00:12:59,715 --> 00:13:02,727
Some kind of right-wing meeting
has developed into an affray.
248
00:13:02,751 --> 00:13:05,597
If it's fascists, sir, am
I the best person to go?
249
00:13:05,621 --> 00:13:08,900
- I might provoke things.
- What do you mean?
250
00:13:08,924 --> 00:13:12,070
Well, sir, I'm Asian.
251
00:13:12,094 --> 00:13:15,774
I don't care if you've just
beamed down from venus, constable.
252
00:13:15,798 --> 00:13:19,110
You are a police officer and
we recognize only one color-
253
00:13:19,134 --> 00:13:21,346
That of the thin blue line.
254
00:13:21,370 --> 00:13:24,372
For god's sake, Raymond,
don't be such a pompous git.
255
00:13:25,774 --> 00:13:27,819
As a matter of fact,
I did not hear that.
256
00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:30,044
I said don't
be such a pompous git.
257
00:13:31,681 --> 00:13:33,548
Now look, you've upset the baby.
258
00:13:35,385 --> 00:13:38,086
Get off me, you fascist!
259
00:13:41,524 --> 00:13:44,436
Keep the noise down
or I will lose my temper.
260
00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:46,805
- Ohhh!
- We're not going to warn you again.
261
00:13:46,829 --> 00:13:49,475
- Into the cells.
- Now, not next christmas.
262
00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:52,011
Paki cow. Get back
to freakin' curryland.
263
00:13:52,035 --> 00:13:54,413
You ain't fit enough
to lick english boots.
264
00:13:54,437 --> 00:13:57,016
- What did you say?
- It's all right, Kevin.
265
00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,642
I said she's a black tart and
she should go back to the jungle.
266
00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:05,090
I'm telling my mom.
267
00:14:05,114 --> 00:14:07,659
Oh no...
268
00:14:07,683 --> 00:14:09,928
You shouldn't have done that, Kevin.
269
00:14:09,952 --> 00:14:12,587
But thanks.
270
00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:19,938
Is she? Is she?
271
00:14:19,962 --> 00:14:22,174
Well I expect that'll just be wind.
272
00:14:22,198 --> 00:14:24,476
When I had her I found
that just rubbing her back
273
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:28,447
and the tinniest drop of calpol
on her dummy and she'd go down.
274
00:14:28,471 --> 00:14:31,917
Well yes I know I only had her
for three quarters of an hour, but-
275
00:14:31,941 --> 00:14:35,554
Well anyway, just make sure she's
not sleeping on her tummy, and-
276
00:14:35,578 --> 00:14:38,490
Goodbye.
277
00:14:38,514 --> 00:14:40,559
- Do you want to know something?
- No.
278
00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:43,028
10 years from now there
won't be a woman on the force,
279
00:14:43,052 --> 00:14:45,064
and do you know why? Women's lib.
280
00:14:45,088 --> 00:14:47,433
Oh yeah? And how'd
you work that out then?
281
00:14:47,457 --> 00:14:49,834
Women have babies, right?
But you can't sack 'em,
282
00:14:49,858 --> 00:14:52,637
'cause if you do -
bosh, 200 grand compensation.
283
00:14:52,661 --> 00:14:54,540
I don't see why a woman
should lose her job
284
00:14:54,564 --> 00:14:57,008
for performing an essential
function of existence.
285
00:14:57,032 --> 00:15:00,512
That's fine. Except your average
villain objects to being interviewed
286
00:15:00,536 --> 00:15:02,471
by a copper with leaky nipples.
287
00:15:04,574 --> 00:15:07,886
Catch-22, isn't it? Can't
do the job, can't be sacked.
288
00:15:07,910 --> 00:15:10,389
Answer - don't take 'em
on in the first place.
289
00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:12,191
Not all women want babies, anyway.
290
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,992
All women want babies.
291
00:15:14,016 --> 00:15:17,162
They say they don't, then bang,
they turn 30 and suddenly it's
292
00:15:17,186 --> 00:15:21,200
"quick, put a bun in my
oven before my gas runs out."
293
00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:23,469
You are such a neanderthal.
294
00:15:23,493 --> 00:15:25,937
- Eh?
- Pat, you're in your 30s,
295
00:15:25,961 --> 00:15:29,941
- you aren't desperate for a child, are you?
- No, not at all, not desperate.
296
00:15:29,965 --> 00:15:32,644
You have to remember the
restrictions babies bring.
297
00:15:32,668 --> 00:15:35,914
The sleepless nights, the
sick all over everything,
298
00:15:35,938 --> 00:15:38,717
the fat little cheeks you
just want to gobble up.
299
00:15:38,741 --> 00:15:40,875
The laughs, the smiles.
300
00:15:42,211 --> 00:15:44,590
I can take it or leave it.
301
00:15:44,614 --> 00:15:48,216
Habib, you and Goody in my office, now.
302
00:15:50,186 --> 00:15:54,500
Constable Goody, I've received
a very serious complaint.
303
00:15:54,524 --> 00:15:59,238
Did you punch a handcuffed
15-year-old boy last night
304
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,340
while taking him to the cells?
305
00:16:01,364 --> 00:16:03,442
He was defending me, sir.
306
00:16:03,466 --> 00:16:06,044
He was defending you, constable Habib?
307
00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:07,712
Oh I see.
308
00:16:07,736 --> 00:16:09,548
And exactly what threat did this
309
00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:12,584
securely handcuffed juvenile pose?
310
00:16:12,608 --> 00:16:14,986
What he threatening to
wither you with a glance?
311
00:16:15,010 --> 00:16:18,557
He was using racist abuse, sir.
312
00:16:18,581 --> 00:16:21,059
The boy has swastikas
tattooed on his arms.
313
00:16:21,083 --> 00:16:23,462
What did you expect him to do?
314
00:16:23,486 --> 00:16:25,987
Give you a chorus of "ebony and ivory"?
315
00:16:28,257 --> 00:16:31,336
You fool, Goody. You bloody fool.
316
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,094
Suppose the lad had
sustained brain damage?
317
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,288
Huh! How would we tell?
318
00:16:35,313 --> 00:16:38,076
Don't you dare be facetious
with me, young woman.
319
00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:40,315
I'm sorry, sir.
320
00:16:40,339 --> 00:16:43,081
I'm afraid we're a long way past sorry,
constable.
321
00:16:43,105 --> 00:16:47,553
You have created an
appallingly serious situation.
322
00:16:47,577 --> 00:16:49,846
I'm going to have to
charge you with assault.
323
00:16:49,870 --> 00:16:51,036
Sir, you can't!
324
00:16:51,061 --> 00:16:53,864
- Did Goody hit the boy, constable Habib?
- Yes, sir.
325
00:16:53,889 --> 00:16:56,328
Was Goody or anyone else in
any physical danger at the time?
326
00:16:56,352 --> 00:16:58,363
- No, sir.
- Under the circumstances then,
327
00:16:58,387 --> 00:17:00,365
what do you consider to be my duty?
328
00:17:00,389 --> 00:17:04,203
You - you could issue a
severe reprimand, sir.
329
00:17:04,227 --> 00:17:06,938
I'm afraid I do not have
that option, constable.
330
00:17:06,962 --> 00:17:09,598
The boy's mother is pressing charges.
331
00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:14,279
Constable Goody, you will
continue with your duties,
332
00:17:14,303 --> 00:17:16,994
pending an investigation
for unprovoked assault.
333
00:17:17,025 --> 00:17:18,199
Yes, sir.
334
00:17:18,224 --> 00:17:19,507
That will be all.
335
00:17:20,809 --> 00:17:22,588
These boots are killing me.
336
00:17:22,612 --> 00:17:26,024
You should have stuffed them with
damp newspaper, and leave overnight.
337
00:17:26,048 --> 00:17:28,427
Ah, good, good. Carry on, carry on.
338
00:17:28,451 --> 00:17:30,452
Marvelous.
339
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,165
Well sergeant, we're off.
340
00:17:34,189 --> 00:17:37,502
It is a far, far better thing
I do than I have ever done.
341
00:17:37,526 --> 00:17:41,940
We shall drive to the squat,
collect a minibus full of miscreants,
342
00:17:41,964 --> 00:17:46,144
and escort them along the rocky
path to the straight and narrow.
343
00:17:46,168 --> 00:17:48,513
Yes, Raymond, and perhaps next weekend
344
00:17:48,537 --> 00:17:50,649
you could take the
Arabs and the Israelis
345
00:17:50,673 --> 00:17:52,840
to Chessington zoo for the day?
346
00:17:54,209 --> 00:17:56,888
Dear, oh dear.
347
00:17:56,912 --> 00:17:59,190
Dib-dib-dib.
348
00:17:59,214 --> 00:18:01,326
Dob-dob-dob.
349
00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:03,528
Lovely legs, Raymond.
350
00:18:03,552 --> 00:18:06,064
You watch out for those sheep,
351
00:18:06,088 --> 00:18:08,222
they'll nibble your toggle, mate.
352
00:18:09,825 --> 00:18:12,337
Are you sure I can't
persuade you to come, Derek?
353
00:18:12,361 --> 00:18:15,507
I'm a policeman, not a
bleeding girl guide, Raymond.
354
00:18:15,531 --> 00:18:18,176
Besides, I'm rather busy tonight.
355
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,680
While you fanny about
rewarding young offenders,
356
00:18:21,704 --> 00:18:24,182
I shall be nicking a few.
357
00:18:24,206 --> 00:18:26,808
Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
358
00:18:30,713 --> 00:18:33,558
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
359
00:18:33,582 --> 00:18:35,883
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
360
00:18:38,754 --> 00:18:41,933
Right, they've had long enough.
Kray, give it some mallet.
361
00:18:41,957 --> 00:18:45,794
They're out now. Some of your
lot have taken 'em camping.
362
00:18:49,198 --> 00:18:51,800
Fowler has nicked my villains.
363
00:18:58,574 --> 00:19:01,653
My name's blaster sump, damn you.
364
00:19:01,677 --> 00:19:04,990
Now-
365
00:19:05,014 --> 00:19:07,292
You play a straight bat with me
366
00:19:07,316 --> 00:19:10,062
and you'll find we'll rub
along pretty well together.
367
00:19:10,086 --> 00:19:12,630
Use a bent bat, however, a wobbly bat,
368
00:19:12,654 --> 00:19:15,500
A bat with a hole in it and
bits sticking out of the end,
369
00:19:15,524 --> 00:19:19,704
and by thunder I'll crush your young
testicles beneath the hard granite
370
00:19:19,728 --> 00:19:21,873
of the mull of Ben Craggy.
371
00:19:21,897 --> 00:19:24,409
And those of the party not
equipped with testicles?
372
00:19:24,433 --> 00:19:28,013
- The victims of tragic accidents, you mean?
- No, I mean girls.
373
00:19:28,037 --> 00:19:31,616
Fortunately I've never been
called upon to discipline a girl.
374
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,918
No, quite the other way
round as a matter of fact.
375
00:19:33,942 --> 00:19:37,122
Oh, hell's tits!
376
00:19:37,146 --> 00:19:39,691
Yes? Brigadier Blaster Sump, damn you.
377
00:19:39,715 --> 00:19:41,716
What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy?
378
00:19:43,052 --> 00:19:45,063
Damn technology.
379
00:19:45,087 --> 00:19:48,900
A present from Mrs. Blaster
Sump, God rot her vicious soul.
380
00:19:48,924 --> 00:19:52,170
"Hey, guvnor," I said, "do you
want to buy me something useful?
381
00:19:52,194 --> 00:19:54,306
Then get me a big stick
with a nail in the end
382
00:19:54,330 --> 00:19:56,875
and somebody who deserves
a damn good thrashing."
383
00:19:56,899 --> 00:19:59,444
Huh? Huh? Huh?
384
00:19:59,468 --> 00:20:01,713
Ah... Mmm.
385
00:20:01,737 --> 00:20:05,283
Now here's your gear, you'll find
everything you could possibly need,
386
00:20:05,307 --> 00:20:07,486
from lavatory paper to sandpaper.
387
00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:09,454
Don't confuse the two.
388
00:20:09,478 --> 00:20:12,924
I did myself once. Not a
wholly unpleasant experience,
389
00:20:12,948 --> 00:20:15,860
but then I went to charterhouse.
390
00:20:15,884 --> 00:20:18,130
Right, well I think that's everything.
391
00:20:18,154 --> 00:20:21,666
Let's get up that mountain like
a ferret up a trouser leg, huh?
392
00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:24,236
Brigadier Blaster Sump-
393
00:20:24,260 --> 00:20:26,238
Yes, young lady?
394
00:20:26,262 --> 00:20:29,441
I'm a trained orienteer,
as are two of my officers.
395
00:20:29,465 --> 00:20:31,676
We wish only to use your equipment.
396
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:33,412
Damn you, you bitch!
397
00:20:33,436 --> 00:20:35,447
Are you telling me I'm off the team?
398
00:20:35,471 --> 00:20:37,482
Reluctantly, sir, yes.
399
00:20:37,506 --> 00:20:39,284
Oh well, probably just as well.
400
00:20:39,308 --> 00:20:41,653
I like to sleep naked
when I'm out of doors.
401
00:20:41,677 --> 00:20:45,323
We don't want you young ladies getting
all flushed and dampened, do we?
402
00:20:45,347 --> 00:20:47,659
It's not that I cut quite
such a dash as I used to
403
00:20:47,683 --> 00:20:50,662
since that savage encounter
with a short-sighted squirrel.
404
00:20:50,686 --> 00:20:55,067
All right then, off you go and last
one to the summit's a euro-federalist.
405
00:20:55,091 --> 00:20:57,825
Go on, go away with you.
406
00:21:02,764 --> 00:21:07,079
Now, when I was a boy
scout back in Trinidad,
407
00:21:07,103 --> 00:21:09,781
they taught us how to
light a fire with a stick
408
00:21:09,805 --> 00:21:11,739
and a piece of string.
409
00:21:13,509 --> 00:21:17,479
I could never understand why because
I found it a lot easier to use matches.
410
00:21:20,483 --> 00:21:23,328
Well, long walk tomorrow.
411
00:21:23,352 --> 00:21:25,197
Best turn in.
412
00:21:25,221 --> 00:21:27,232
Great heavenly chestnuts,
413
00:21:27,256 --> 00:21:29,991
my sleeping bag will be
a welcome sight tonight.
414
00:21:34,130 --> 00:21:36,074
Unless of course I can interest anyone
415
00:21:36,098 --> 00:21:38,299
in a chorus or two of
"ging gang gooly gooly."
416
00:21:39,835 --> 00:21:42,036
Sir, sir.
Natalie's disappeared.
417
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,418
- Natalie!
- Natalie!
418
00:21:46,442 --> 00:21:48,443
- Natalie!
- Natalie!
419
00:21:52,114 --> 00:21:54,659
Nothing at all, sir. She's vanished.
420
00:21:54,683 --> 00:21:57,996
What on earth could have moved
the girl to abscond like that?
421
00:21:58,020 --> 00:22:00,765
On wrong step in the dark and
she could fall to her death.
422
00:22:00,789 --> 00:22:03,268
Inspector Fowler we found her.
423
00:22:03,292 --> 00:22:06,371
This is your fault,
Bas. You made me do it.
424
00:22:06,395 --> 00:22:09,241
Do what? Tell me what this
nonsense is all about, boy,
425
00:22:09,265 --> 00:22:11,643
or by thunder you'll live to regret it.
426
00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:14,746
It's the baby. I told
her to get rid of it.
427
00:22:14,770 --> 00:22:18,116
So the silly cow dumped it by
some rubbish outside your nick.
428
00:22:18,140 --> 00:22:21,052
She reckons it got thrown
away, she reckons she killed it.
429
00:22:21,076 --> 00:22:24,822
I say so what? Who cares? It
probably weren't mine anyway.
430
00:22:24,846 --> 00:22:27,048
Why, you little-
431
00:22:30,419 --> 00:22:33,231
Natalie...
432
00:22:33,255 --> 00:22:35,833
- I found your baby.
- You found her?
433
00:22:35,857 --> 00:22:38,002
Yes, she's all right, she's in hospital.
434
00:22:38,026 --> 00:22:41,306
- You didn't kill her.
- I didn't mean it.
435
00:22:41,330 --> 00:22:43,441
I do love her.
436
00:22:43,465 --> 00:22:47,479
Well I think it's time
we all got some rest.
437
00:22:47,503 --> 00:22:51,149
As you go to sleep, I want you to think
hard about the lessons learned today.
438
00:22:51,173 --> 00:22:53,918
Think about...
439
00:22:53,942 --> 00:22:55,910
Turning over a new leaf.
440
00:22:57,979 --> 00:23:02,060
- Will you do that?
- Yes, inspector Fowler.
441
00:23:02,084 --> 00:23:04,485
Good night.
442
00:23:16,131 --> 00:23:19,066
Oh, bugger!
443
00:23:22,137 --> 00:23:23,982
Habib that is enough.
444
00:23:24,006 --> 00:23:26,918
I cannot drop the charges
against constable Goody.
445
00:23:26,942 --> 00:23:29,120
The boy's mother is here now.
446
00:23:29,144 --> 00:23:31,522
There is nothing I can do about it.
447
00:23:31,546 --> 00:23:33,958
I bet you could if you really wanted to.
448
00:23:33,982 --> 00:23:36,995
- Don't be insubordinate, constable.
- But you don't want to
449
00:23:37,019 --> 00:23:39,497
because you think he
should be charged. And why?
450
00:23:39,521 --> 00:23:43,868
Because the precise letter of the law
is more important to you than justice.
451
00:23:43,892 --> 00:23:45,403
You understand what Kevin did.
452
00:23:45,427 --> 00:23:47,438
You nearly slapped that
thug on the mountain.
453
00:23:47,462 --> 00:23:50,408
And had I done so I would
expect to face the consequences.
454
00:23:50,432 --> 00:23:52,844
We do not have a choice in this matter.
455
00:23:52,868 --> 00:23:56,915
The police cannot choose when
and when not to enforce the law.
456
00:23:56,939 --> 00:24:01,252
If we do that, how can we expect
the public ever to trust us?
457
00:24:01,276 --> 00:24:04,655
If I could see a way out of
this, believe me I'd take it.
458
00:24:04,679 --> 00:24:06,748
But I can't.
459
00:24:12,087 --> 00:24:16,190
Ah, come in. Please sit down.
460
00:24:19,762 --> 00:24:22,941
Now then, Mrs. Bludger,
461
00:24:22,965 --> 00:24:26,044
you have brought charges of
assault against one of my officers.
462
00:24:26,068 --> 00:24:29,180
Where's the thug that
hit my defenseless boy?
463
00:24:29,204 --> 00:24:33,051
Little Geoffrey here could have
been permanently brain damaged.
464
00:24:33,075 --> 00:24:34,652
Possibly...
465
00:24:34,676 --> 00:24:37,889
But I cannot imagine how we would tell.
466
00:24:37,913 --> 00:24:41,592
I want to know from the lad
himself exactly what happened.
467
00:24:41,616 --> 00:24:44,328
I ain't talkin' to no
copper without my lawyer.
468
00:24:44,352 --> 00:24:48,122
You bleeding well talk to him or
I'll fetch your father from the pub.
469
00:24:54,329 --> 00:24:58,843
Mrs. Bludger, are you aware of the european
law regarding the treatment of minors?
470
00:24:58,867 --> 00:25:00,597
Eh?
471
00:25:00,621 --> 00:25:02,680
Oh well,
it doesn't matter. Ignorance is no defense.
472
00:25:02,704 --> 00:25:05,950
I'm arresting you for
assaulting your child.
473
00:25:05,974 --> 00:25:09,687
- Do what?
- On the other hand, of course,
474
00:25:09,711 --> 00:25:12,713
we could forget the whole thing.
475
00:25:14,182 --> 00:25:16,127
I hope you learned your lesson, laddie.
476
00:25:16,151 --> 00:25:17,985
Yes I have, sir, thank you for asking.
477
00:25:19,855 --> 00:25:24,024
Of all the juveniles in Gasforth
and you had to pinch mine.
478
00:25:25,994 --> 00:25:28,706
We worked damn hard on that pull.
479
00:25:28,730 --> 00:25:31,242
- Didn't we, Kray?
- What?
480
00:25:31,266 --> 00:25:34,678
Now I've got nothing to present to
the deputy assistant undersecretary
481
00:25:34,702 --> 00:25:37,115
at the subdistrict regional conference.
482
00:25:37,139 --> 00:25:39,683
Well, Derek, I've been thinking.
483
00:25:39,707 --> 00:25:42,720
Oh, god save us!
484
00:25:42,744 --> 00:25:45,156
The conference is about youth.
485
00:25:45,180 --> 00:25:48,126
Who better to discuss
it than youthful coppers?
486
00:25:48,150 --> 00:25:51,328
You have a story to
tell, constable Goody.
487
00:25:51,352 --> 00:25:54,232
Perhaps conference should hear it?
488
00:25:54,256 --> 00:25:57,758
Yes, I think it should.
489
00:26:03,231 --> 00:26:05,232
What story would that be then?
490
00:26:13,775 --> 00:26:16,053
I couldn't believe the
crush at the checkout.
491
00:26:16,077 --> 00:26:18,055
I was in the
six-items-or-less queue.
492
00:26:18,079 --> 00:26:20,825
The woman in front of me had
some special-offer toothpaste,
493
00:26:20,849 --> 00:26:23,360
A big tube with a little
one cellotaped on for free.
494
00:26:23,384 --> 00:26:25,129
That's two items, isn't it?
495
00:26:25,153 --> 00:26:27,165
Which brought her up to seven.
496
00:26:27,189 --> 00:26:29,200
Seven items in the six items queue.
497
00:26:29,224 --> 00:26:31,202
I cannot stand that sort of thing.
498
00:26:31,226 --> 00:26:33,370
Well you're right not to.
499
00:26:33,394 --> 00:26:36,640
That type of antisocial behavior
corrupts the entire system.
500
00:26:36,664 --> 00:26:39,410
- I hope you said something.
- I very nearly said something.
501
00:26:39,434 --> 00:26:42,346
- You should have said something.
- I was gonna say something.
502
00:26:42,370 --> 00:26:45,049
Then I saw these on a
promotional stand by the till.
503
00:26:45,073 --> 00:26:47,285
I just couldn't resist
them. What do you think?
504
00:26:47,309 --> 00:26:49,586
I don't think they'll fit you.
505
00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:51,655
I don't know why I got them really,
506
00:26:51,679 --> 00:26:54,192
just they were on special
and it seemed silly not to.
507
00:26:54,216 --> 00:26:56,527
I suppose now we've got
the socks and everything,
508
00:26:56,551 --> 00:26:58,362
it'd be silly not to have a baby.
509
00:26:58,386 --> 00:27:00,932
Well I have to think about these things,
510
00:27:00,956 --> 00:27:04,302
- I'm not getting any younger.
- Nobody gets any younger, Patricia,
511
00:27:04,326 --> 00:27:07,138
with the possible
exception of Joan Collins.
512
00:27:07,162 --> 00:27:08,973
It's just a fact of life.
513
00:27:08,997 --> 00:27:10,975
It's all very well for you,
514
00:27:10,999 --> 00:27:13,244
you've been married, you've had a child.
515
00:27:13,268 --> 00:27:17,215
Yes, and he's the best argument I
can think of for not having another.
516
00:27:17,239 --> 00:27:20,751
Besides which, we haven't
got time to start a family.
517
00:27:20,775 --> 00:27:24,956
Ours is not an occupation one can
walk away from at the end of the day.
518
00:27:24,980 --> 00:27:28,125
I'm a police officer.
You're a police officer.
519
00:27:28,149 --> 00:27:31,595
- I am also a woman.
- I know that, Patricia.
520
00:27:31,619 --> 00:27:33,364
But you must get a grip.
521
00:27:33,388 --> 00:27:35,499
There is no place in the queen's uniform
522
00:27:35,523 --> 00:27:37,624
for ill-disciplined hormones.
523
00:27:41,662 --> 00:27:43,640
You do realize, Patricia,
524
00:27:43,664 --> 00:27:46,077
that if you hit me with that halibut,
525
00:27:46,101 --> 00:27:48,980
you lay yourself open
to charges of assault.
526
00:27:49,004 --> 00:27:51,815
Give me the fish, Patricia.
527
00:27:51,839 --> 00:27:53,774
Give me the fish.
528
00:28:00,282 --> 00:28:02,994
You may think yourself
lucky that we're not having
529
00:28:03,018 --> 00:28:04,996
A leg of lamb for supper tonight,
530
00:28:05,020 --> 00:28:07,331
or this whole incident could have been
531
00:28:07,355 --> 00:28:10,057
much more serio-
40230
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