Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:43,912 --> 00:01:45,113
Hello, darling.
2
00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:48,860
- I hope I didn't wake you.
- Not at all.
3
00:01:48,884 --> 00:01:51,896
It's the first time you've made
my headboard rattle this year.
4
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,366
I wouldn't have wanted to miss that.
5
00:01:54,390 --> 00:01:57,768
- Where've you been?
- You know where I've been, my petal.
6
00:01:57,792 --> 00:02:00,505
At my pub quiz night.
7
00:02:00,529 --> 00:02:02,974
The pubs close at 11:00.
8
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,675
Yes, that's true.
9
00:02:04,699 --> 00:02:06,344
But I've been buying you a present.
10
00:02:06,368 --> 00:02:09,504
- What?
- A kebab.
11
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,251
I don't want your horrid kebab.
12
00:02:13,275 --> 00:02:14,852
- Oh.
- Raymond,
13
00:02:14,876 --> 00:02:16,787
is that lipstick on your collar?
14
00:02:16,811 --> 00:02:19,190
Uh, no, it's ketchup.
15
00:02:19,214 --> 00:02:21,926
- Good.
- I remember now,
16
00:02:21,950 --> 00:02:24,996
constable Habib was
eating ketchupy chips
17
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,498
when I kissed her.
18
00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:28,766
You kissed constable Habib?
19
00:02:28,790 --> 00:02:31,002
We're through to the
local final, Patricia.
20
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:33,104
We're one game away from the trophy.
21
00:02:33,128 --> 00:02:35,606
So you kissed Maggie Habib?
22
00:02:35,630 --> 00:02:39,610
Yes. I very nearly kissed
constable Kray as well.
23
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,446
Loathsome man as he is,
24
00:02:41,470 --> 00:02:43,415
he does know the halftime scores
25
00:02:43,439 --> 00:02:45,206
of every cup final since 1918.
26
00:02:48,310 --> 00:02:50,021
♪ Another one bites the dust... ♪
27
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:52,424
♪ And another one bites,
another one bites ♪
28
00:02:52,448 --> 00:02:54,325
♪ another one bites the dust! ♪
29
00:02:54,349 --> 00:02:55,927
Oh, god.
30
00:02:55,951 --> 00:02:59,364
You know how much the
quiz trophy means to me.
31
00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:02,967
It's the only glittering
prize I've ever truly coveted.
32
00:03:02,991 --> 00:03:04,969
So you kissed Maggie Habib.
33
00:03:04,993 --> 00:03:06,571
Yes.
34
00:03:06,595 --> 00:03:08,906
I can't tell you how wonderful she was.
35
00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:10,308
Well, don't.
36
00:03:10,332 --> 00:03:13,378
It was all down to the
last question, you see?
37
00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:16,514
I'd been stumped on the
name of the chancellor
38
00:03:16,538 --> 00:03:18,649
in the Israeli's second administration.
39
00:03:18,673 --> 00:03:22,153
Would you believe it?
Mr. Thickey or what?
40
00:03:22,177 --> 00:03:25,523
That oaf Kray had gone
completely to pieces
41
00:03:25,547 --> 00:03:27,992
over the 1932 soviet discus team.
42
00:03:28,016 --> 00:03:32,097
Frankly, things were
looking pretty bleak...
43
00:03:32,121 --> 00:03:35,900
Until Habib, dear, beautiful,
44
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:38,570
clever little constable Habib
45
00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:40,938
pulled off a stunning coup
46
00:03:40,962 --> 00:03:44,599
by knowing the names of
all a gorilla's vertebrae.
47
00:03:46,135 --> 00:03:47,545
What a woman.
48
00:03:47,569 --> 00:03:49,069
What a woman!
49
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,684
Darling, what?
50
00:03:53,708 --> 00:03:56,321
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. Really, it's nothing.
51
00:03:56,345 --> 00:03:58,590
Oh, that's all right then.
52
00:03:58,614 --> 00:04:01,993
I thought you were upset or something.
53
00:04:02,017 --> 00:04:04,185
I'm going to brush my teeth.
54
00:04:05,387 --> 00:04:07,432
I can't remember the last time you said
55
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,966
what a wonderful woman I was.
56
00:04:08,990 --> 00:04:10,801
Oh, come on, darling.
57
00:04:10,825 --> 00:04:14,739
You don't know the skeletal
composition of the gorilla family.
58
00:04:14,763 --> 00:04:15,796
Be serious.
59
00:04:22,337 --> 00:04:23,948
- Morning.
- Good morning.
60
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,674
Morning, everyone. Good morning.
61
00:04:30,045 --> 00:04:33,324
Um, you're not annoyed
with me, are you, sergeant?
62
00:04:33,348 --> 00:04:35,293
No, not at all.
63
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:38,095
It's just that at breakfast
I couldn't help noticing
64
00:04:38,119 --> 00:04:39,830
that you crunched your cornflakes
65
00:04:39,854 --> 00:04:41,533
in rather an aggressive manner.
66
00:04:41,557 --> 00:04:43,468
Did I?
67
00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:46,194
And you did make my
tea with cold water...
68
00:04:48,197 --> 00:04:50,775
And yesterday's teabag
69
00:04:50,799 --> 00:04:52,733
in my bicycle helmet.
70
00:04:55,070 --> 00:04:56,881
Not that it wasn't lovely.
71
00:04:56,905 --> 00:04:58,583
- Most refreshing.
- Raymond,
72
00:04:58,607 --> 00:05:00,951
I am not in the slightest bit angry.
73
00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,520
Good, good.
74
00:05:02,544 --> 00:05:06,591
So the brillo pad in my
shredded wheat was a mistake?
75
00:05:06,615 --> 00:05:08,426
Morning, all.
76
00:05:08,450 --> 00:05:10,728
Ah, Kray, fresh from
last night's triumph.
77
00:05:10,752 --> 00:05:12,297
What are you eating?
78
00:05:12,321 --> 00:05:15,333
Breakfast, isn't it? Beef and
onion pie. Do you want a bit?
79
00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:17,569
Beef and onion pie? Spit it out, man!
80
00:05:17,593 --> 00:05:19,637
Haven't you heard of mad cow disease?
81
00:05:19,661 --> 00:05:22,807
Come on, sir, no one
worries about that anymore.
82
00:05:22,831 --> 00:05:26,010
Nobody worries about cricketers
chewing gum and spitting anymore,
83
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,879
but that doesn't mean it has
ceased to be a national disgrace.
84
00:05:28,903 --> 00:05:30,948
I can't go without my beef.
85
00:05:30,972 --> 00:05:34,285
Personally, I don't believe
all those stories anyway.
86
00:05:34,309 --> 00:05:37,689
As far as I'm concerned you could
get more sense out of a british cow
87
00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:39,880
than you will out of a
packet of german sausages.
88
00:05:42,317 --> 00:05:45,697
Very possibly, but the final of
the pub quiz is only a week away.
89
00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,031
We can take no chances.
90
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:49,100
From now on, I suggest
you eat only fish,
91
00:05:49,124 --> 00:05:51,802
preferably raw. Seafood is brain food.
92
00:05:51,826 --> 00:05:53,137
That's true, sir.
93
00:05:53,161 --> 00:05:55,206
Murgatroyd, who lives next door to me,
94
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:57,242
eats nothing but fish.
95
00:05:57,266 --> 00:06:01,101
And she can lick her own backside,
which I think is very clever.
96
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:06,083
Would I be right in assuming
that Murgatroyd is a cat?
97
00:06:06,107 --> 00:06:08,509
No, sir, she's a contortionist.
98
00:06:13,515 --> 00:06:16,828
I've got a tough job on,
and I need your cooperation.
99
00:06:16,852 --> 00:06:18,930
Now it's pretty urgent,
100
00:06:18,954 --> 00:06:22,289
so I won't beat about
the proverbial privet.
101
00:06:23,892 --> 00:06:27,172
Frankly, I'm too busy a man
to be cluck-clucking away
102
00:06:27,196 --> 00:06:29,574
like a decapitated feathered fowl,
103
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,209
so I'll get straight to the point.
104
00:06:31,233 --> 00:06:32,744
I'm delighted to hear it.
105
00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:35,479
"Time waits for no man,"
as the proverb goes.
106
00:06:35,503 --> 00:06:37,615
What I say is, in C.I.D.,
107
00:06:37,639 --> 00:06:39,550
crime waits for no man.
108
00:06:39,574 --> 00:06:42,954
So with that in mind, I shall
cut the bovine feces altogether.
109
00:06:42,978 --> 00:06:46,024
- Good.
- This is C.I.D. Work, Raymond.
110
00:06:46,048 --> 00:06:49,260
In C.I.D. We dispense with niceties.
111
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:53,064
We avoid irrelevance,
we disregard herrings-
112
00:06:53,088 --> 00:06:54,465
red or otherwise-
113
00:06:54,489 --> 00:06:57,859
and above all we do not fanny about.
114
00:06:59,394 --> 00:07:01,039
- Inspector Grim?
- What?
115
00:07:01,063 --> 00:07:03,975
Was there something
you wanted to discuss?
116
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:05,399
Oh yes.
117
00:07:07,236 --> 00:07:09,080
To be blunt, Raymond,
118
00:07:09,104 --> 00:07:12,050
I need a woman and I want your help.
119
00:07:12,074 --> 00:07:14,853
Right.
120
00:07:14,877 --> 00:07:18,289
Derek, I'm glad you felt
able to come to me about this.
121
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:21,793
How strong are these urges,
and how long have you had them?
122
00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:24,062
A policewoman, you idiot.
123
00:07:24,086 --> 00:07:27,431
We've been on to a major
local villain for months,
124
00:07:27,455 --> 00:07:28,967
but he's slippery,
125
00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:30,224
like an owl.
126
00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:36,440
He does, however, have a weakness.
127
00:07:36,464 --> 00:07:38,509
And that weakness is totty.
128
00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,578
Totty?
129
00:07:40,602 --> 00:07:43,581
Birds, bints, anything in a skirt-
130
00:07:43,605 --> 00:07:46,050
barring a scotsman.
131
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:48,853
He's a ladies' man.
132
00:07:48,877 --> 00:07:51,656
Are you suggesting an
entrapment operation?
133
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,357
Not entrapment, Raymond.
134
00:07:53,381 --> 00:07:56,060
Entrapment is, as you know, illegal.
135
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,462
But blokes drop their guard with girls.
136
00:07:58,486 --> 00:08:00,431
They don't think of the consequences.
137
00:08:00,455 --> 00:08:03,067
Blimey, we've all done it.
138
00:08:03,091 --> 00:08:06,637
You get all stupid
with some young lovely
139
00:08:06,661 --> 00:08:09,307
and before you know it you're bald,
140
00:08:09,331 --> 00:08:12,610
40, sitting in the car park
141
00:08:12,634 --> 00:08:15,502
at Sainsbury's home base.
142
00:08:16,972 --> 00:08:18,850
Now I want someone with brains.
143
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,852
Brains and beauty.
144
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,620
- Your report, sir.
- Thank you.
145
00:08:22,644 --> 00:08:24,956
I want Habib.
146
00:08:24,980 --> 00:08:26,958
You cannot have her.
147
00:08:26,982 --> 00:08:30,328
I strongly disapprove of this type
of dubious, underhand operation.
148
00:08:30,352 --> 00:08:32,263
We're not talking about a honey trap,
149
00:08:32,287 --> 00:08:34,098
just a bit of intelligence gathering.
150
00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:36,634
C.I.D. Cannot operate
without intelligence.
151
00:08:36,658 --> 00:08:39,938
You seem to have managed
very well up till now.
152
00:08:39,962 --> 00:08:41,272
Listen,
153
00:08:41,296 --> 00:08:43,208
the bloke is laughing at the law.
154
00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:45,643
If you're not careful,
division'll hand it over
155
00:08:45,667 --> 00:08:47,545
and we'll have the flying squad back.
156
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,413
You really think so?
157
00:08:49,437 --> 00:08:51,716
Of course if all we're
doing is fannying about.
158
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,719
I don't much care for the
flying squad, I must say.
159
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,520
Arrogant oafs to a man.
160
00:08:56,544 --> 00:08:58,422
The last time they were here,
161
00:08:58,446 --> 00:09:01,759
one of them left chewing
gum stuck under my desk.
162
00:09:01,783 --> 00:09:04,829
I mean, what sort of mentality?
163
00:09:04,853 --> 00:09:06,965
And the state of the lavatories-
164
00:09:06,989 --> 00:09:10,657
it was almost as if they
were aiming for the floor.
165
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,273
These men are trained
marksmen, for heaven's sake.
166
00:09:15,297 --> 00:09:17,909
All I'd say is, if you're
ever cornered by one,
167
00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:19,944
head for the gents' and hide in a urinal
168
00:09:19,968 --> 00:09:22,347
because they're incapable of hitting it.
169
00:09:22,371 --> 00:09:24,749
Right.
170
00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,684
And if you don't want them round here
171
00:09:26,708 --> 00:09:29,921
chewing gum and
dampening our facilities,
172
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:32,456
you'd better start cooperating with me.
173
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,293
I'll talk to the girl and
see how she feels about it.
174
00:09:35,317 --> 00:09:36,660
Well, do it discreetly.
175
00:09:36,684 --> 00:09:38,329
It's not the sort of operation
176
00:09:38,353 --> 00:09:40,531
that wants to be blabbed
round the station.
177
00:09:40,555 --> 00:09:42,633
Tell no one but Habib.
178
00:09:42,657 --> 00:09:45,136
I don't need to be told
my duty, inspector Grim.
179
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,570
Well, I hope not,
180
00:09:46,594 --> 00:09:48,706
because it's my backside on the line
181
00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:51,065
and I'm right up to my neck in it.
182
00:09:55,870 --> 00:09:57,548
Ah, constable Habib.
183
00:09:57,572 --> 00:09:59,139
Come in, sit down.
184
00:10:01,910 --> 00:10:04,421
Now then, I've asked
you to come and see me
185
00:10:04,445 --> 00:10:06,523
on a matter of considerable delicacy.
186
00:10:06,547 --> 00:10:08,693
Right you are, inspector.
You can trust me.
187
00:10:08,717 --> 00:10:10,461
I sincerely hope I can.
188
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:13,698
Because I wish to discuss an
extremely sensitive operation.
189
00:10:13,722 --> 00:10:15,600
Oh, I see.
190
00:10:15,624 --> 00:10:17,367
My dad's just had one of those.
191
00:10:17,391 --> 00:10:20,270
Bowel complaints are very
common in men of your age.
192
00:10:20,294 --> 00:10:22,974
I'm talking about a police
operation, constable.
193
00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,642
Oh, I see, sir. Sorry.
194
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:26,310
What's more, for the record,
195
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,646
my bowels are in perfect working order.
196
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:32,449
- Glad to hear it, sir.
- You could set your watch by them.
197
00:10:32,473 --> 00:10:34,384
I haven't missed an evacuation
198
00:10:34,408 --> 00:10:36,677
in 25 years of public service.
199
00:10:38,479 --> 00:10:40,257
However, I am not here to discuss
200
00:10:40,281 --> 00:10:43,160
my quite excellent digestive system.
201
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,796
I'm here to discuss a police matter.
202
00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:49,834
You are to be seconded to the
Criminal Investigations Department.
203
00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:51,068
C.I.D.?!
204
00:10:51,092 --> 00:10:53,971
Yes, yes, the C.I.D., if you must.
205
00:10:53,995 --> 00:10:57,074
Although it's beyond me why
perfectly serviceable sentences
206
00:10:57,098 --> 00:11:00,244
must always be reduced to
graceless, lifeless initials.
207
00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:04,448
Why, when Mark Antony stood
bestride Caesar's grave declaiming,
208
00:11:04,472 --> 00:11:06,751
"Friends, Romans, Countrymen,"
209
00:11:06,775 --> 00:11:08,519
Would he have done better to say,
210
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,554
"F.R.Cs"?
211
00:11:10,578 --> 00:11:12,089
It would've saved time, sir.
212
00:11:12,113 --> 00:11:13,758
Initials are easier and quicker.
213
00:11:13,782 --> 00:11:15,826
Yes, but does that make them better?
214
00:11:15,850 --> 00:11:17,427
Life would be easier and quicker
215
00:11:17,451 --> 00:11:19,830
if we popped our clogs at birth.
216
00:11:19,854 --> 00:11:22,800
That way we would avoid all
those slow, troublesome things
217
00:11:22,824 --> 00:11:24,969
like long walks in the country,
218
00:11:24,993 --> 00:11:26,370
games of chess,
219
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,306
long, languid, lingering...
220
00:11:29,330 --> 00:11:30,574
Oh, what's the word?
221
00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:32,710
- Sex?
- I was going to say
222
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,945
amontillado sherries before lunch,
223
00:11:34,969 --> 00:11:37,682
but yes, if you like, sex.
224
00:11:37,706 --> 00:11:40,317
Would you prefer sex, constable Habib,
225
00:11:40,341 --> 00:11:42,375
if it was quick and easy?
226
00:11:47,548 --> 00:11:49,349
Yes, sergeant, was there something?
227
00:11:51,186 --> 00:11:53,330
What is constable Habib
doing in your office?
228
00:11:53,354 --> 00:11:55,232
Now that I cannot say, sergeant.
229
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,568
Constable Habib and I
were discussing something
230
00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,837
which must remain private
between the two of us.
231
00:11:59,861 --> 00:12:03,007
- Private?
- I fear so. Now what can I do for you?
232
00:12:03,031 --> 00:12:04,909
There's a delivery for you.
233
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,767
Constable Goody?
234
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,705
We've got the new "er," sir.
235
00:12:12,741 --> 00:12:14,651
- The new er?
- That's right.
236
00:12:14,675 --> 00:12:16,587
The er. Beautiful it is.
237
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,155
Beautiful and shiny.
238
00:12:18,179 --> 00:12:20,347
A beautiful and shiny er.
239
00:12:22,717 --> 00:12:25,629
- You ordered it.
- I ordered an er?
240
00:12:25,653 --> 00:12:28,766
Yes, and now it's come.
Frank's been polishing it up.
241
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,468
Come on, Frank. Show
inspector Fowler his new er.
242
00:12:31,492 --> 00:12:34,671
Oh, of course.
243
00:12:34,695 --> 00:12:36,573
The new desk crest. E.R.
244
00:12:36,597 --> 00:12:38,431
Yes, that's right, "er."
245
00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:42,046
Constable Goody, this
is the royal crest.
246
00:12:42,070 --> 00:12:45,015
Yes, I know that. I'm not thick, am I?
247
00:12:45,039 --> 00:12:47,918
If you knew that this crest
represented the authority
248
00:12:47,942 --> 00:12:49,086
of her majesty the queen,
249
00:12:49,110 --> 00:12:50,921
what in the devil's briefcase
250
00:12:50,945 --> 00:12:52,813
did you imagine E.R. stood for?
251
00:12:54,215 --> 00:12:55,949
'Er in the palace.
252
00:12:59,921 --> 00:13:03,200
Elizabeth Regina. It
stands for Elizabeth Regina!
253
00:13:03,224 --> 00:13:04,701
I never knew that.
254
00:13:04,725 --> 00:13:08,405
I thought it stood for extremely royal.
255
00:13:08,429 --> 00:13:10,374
E.R. is initials, isn't it, sir?
256
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,276
Are they graceless and lifeless?
257
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,278
Don't be clever, Habib.
258
00:13:14,302 --> 00:13:16,580
The public mistrusts
clever police officers.
259
00:13:16,604 --> 00:13:19,683
They think they're up to something.
260
00:13:19,707 --> 00:13:22,186
Clear off, you lot, and hang
that above the front desk.
261
00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:24,278
I'm in the middle of
a sensitive meeting.
262
00:13:26,815 --> 00:13:29,326
I'm afraid I shall have to
ask you to leave too, sergeant.
263
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,595
You're throwing me out of your office?
264
00:13:31,619 --> 00:13:33,563
Reluctantly, I'm afraid that I am.
265
00:13:33,587 --> 00:13:36,466
You see, I wish to be
alone with constable Habib.
266
00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:39,069
You do understand, don't you, sergeant?
267
00:13:39,093 --> 00:13:41,071
Oh, yes.
268
00:13:41,095 --> 00:13:43,030
I understand very well.
269
00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:50,647
I must say this er will look
very well up on the wall.
270
00:13:50,671 --> 00:13:52,482
Tell you what, Frank,
271
00:13:52,506 --> 00:13:54,741
you need a big hat to pin that badge on.
272
00:13:59,113 --> 00:14:00,357
So constable Habib,
273
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:02,993
you are to be the bait in a honey trap.
274
00:14:03,017 --> 00:14:05,896
You are to dress up in
your finest stockings,
275
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,565
miniskirt and boob tube
276
00:14:07,589 --> 00:14:09,933
to ensnare a hard-bitten thug
277
00:14:09,957 --> 00:14:11,768
into your sexual web.
278
00:14:11,792 --> 00:14:14,438
I envy you, constable Habib.
279
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,540
I would give much for
such an opportunity
280
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,209
to serve my community.
281
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,444
Well, sir, I could lend
you a pair of tights.
282
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:23,380
Don't be facetious, Habib.
283
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:26,317
Now if my experience in amateur drama
284
00:14:26,341 --> 00:14:28,051
has taught me anything,
285
00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:31,188
it is that there's more to
acting than putting on the tights.
286
00:14:31,212 --> 00:14:33,757
One must immerse oneself in a role,
287
00:14:33,781 --> 00:14:35,158
live it, breathe it.
288
00:14:35,182 --> 00:14:36,960
When I was in "Henry V,"
289
00:14:36,984 --> 00:14:40,497
I often came to work with a
codpiece under my trousers.
290
00:14:40,521 --> 00:14:42,333
Did you play Henry V, sir?
291
00:14:42,357 --> 00:14:44,435
Well, not quite Henry, no.
292
00:14:44,459 --> 00:14:46,693
I played "man."
293
00:14:48,363 --> 00:14:50,907
The point is that if
you take this job on,
294
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:54,077
from tomorrow morning you will
no longer be constable Habib,
295
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,780
stern, steady, and a
credit to the service.
296
00:14:56,804 --> 00:14:59,973
You will instead be a
right saucy bit of brisket.
297
00:15:01,909 --> 00:15:05,789
Will you do it? - It's got to be
better than collaring shoplifters.
298
00:15:05,813 --> 00:15:08,348
Good. Let's go and see inspector Grim.
299
00:15:09,817 --> 00:15:10,994
Just before we do,
300
00:15:11,018 --> 00:15:13,163
one final thing.
301
00:15:13,187 --> 00:15:14,965
Give me the first six primary numbers.
302
00:15:14,989 --> 00:15:17,000
One, three, five, seven, 11 and 13, sir.
303
00:15:17,024 --> 00:15:18,902
The periodic symbols of iron and gold?
304
00:15:18,926 --> 00:15:20,003
Fe and Au, sir.
305
00:15:20,027 --> 00:15:21,938
The quiz final is six days from now.
306
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:25,098
- How long is that in half hours?
- 288, sir.
307
00:15:29,771 --> 00:15:32,972
Constable Habib, you
really are very good.
308
00:15:34,609 --> 00:15:35,819
I do my best, sir.
309
00:15:35,843 --> 00:15:37,454
Bit of a facer at the end.
310
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:40,681
I must say, I wasn't really
ready for such a hard one.
311
00:15:56,096 --> 00:15:59,142
Constable Habib! What do
you think you're doing?!
312
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:01,378
You can't come to work
looking like a tart!
313
00:16:01,402 --> 00:16:03,614
I've a good mind to
have you disciplined.
314
00:16:03,638 --> 00:16:07,106
It's all right. Inspector Fowler
said he wanted me to dress like this.
315
00:16:08,876 --> 00:16:10,521
Inspector Fowler
316
00:16:10,545 --> 00:16:12,122
asked you to dress like that?
317
00:16:12,146 --> 00:16:14,891
That's right. He said he
wanted me to look dead sexy.
318
00:16:14,915 --> 00:16:18,995
- What do you think, Pat?
- My name is sergeant Dawkins!
319
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:21,598
Why did inspector Fowler
ask you to dress like that?
320
00:16:21,622 --> 00:16:24,201
He, he said I wasn't to tell anyone.
321
00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:27,671
Ah, constable Habib,
that's what I like to see.
322
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,306
Splendid. Splendid.
323
00:16:29,330 --> 00:16:31,030
Come on through to the briefing room.
324
00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:36,680
Now remember what I
said about acting, Habib.
325
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,415
Live your character. Live it.
326
00:16:38,439 --> 00:16:40,217
Because your life may depend on it.
327
00:16:40,241 --> 00:16:42,776
Right you are, big boy.
328
00:16:54,489 --> 00:16:56,400
Hello, gorgeous.
329
00:16:56,424 --> 00:16:59,002
Mmm, I love a man in a uniform.
330
00:16:59,026 --> 00:17:01,405
Is that a
truncheon in your pocket
331
00:17:01,429 --> 00:17:03,129
or are you just pleased to see me?
332
00:17:10,805 --> 00:17:12,806
Actually it's a mars bar.
333
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:20,924
Right then...
334
00:17:20,948 --> 00:17:24,928
Constable Habib, you're
with C.I.D. now.
335
00:17:24,952 --> 00:17:28,131
And in C.I.D. we do
things a bit differently.
336
00:17:28,155 --> 00:17:30,300
Oh yes. Oh yes.
337
00:17:30,324 --> 00:17:33,169
When you run us up the flagpole,
338
00:17:33,193 --> 00:17:36,774
you'll find you're saluting a
very different kettle of fish.
339
00:17:36,798 --> 00:17:39,376
You know, you could be
a bit tasty, inspector,
340
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,669
I mean if you had hair on
your head instead of your face.
341
00:17:44,371 --> 00:17:46,750
Well done, Habib.
342
00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:50,721
Sorry I'm late. Been down at the
frog and truncheon, setting up a narc.
343
00:17:50,745 --> 00:17:53,557
You didn't drink? Tell
me you didn't drink.
344
00:17:53,581 --> 00:17:55,726
'Course not, sir. I never drink on duty.
345
00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:57,394
Only had three pints.
346
00:17:57,418 --> 00:18:00,631
Three pints?! Have you any
idea how many brain cells
347
00:18:00,655 --> 00:18:02,866
one unit of alcohol destroys?
348
00:18:02,890 --> 00:18:04,601
Who won the F.A. Cup final in 1953?
349
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:08,071
Um, Blackpool. They beat
Bolton Wanderers 4-3.
350
00:18:08,095 --> 00:18:11,074
You said "um." you're umming, man.
351
00:18:11,098 --> 00:18:12,976
That's the alcohol umming.
352
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,478
Only boozers and losers um.
353
00:18:14,502 --> 00:18:16,947
Inspector Fowler, we are in the middle-
354
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:20,350
what year was synchronized swimming
admitted as an olympic sport?
355
00:18:20,374 --> 00:18:22,853
- Uh, 1984.
- Now you're uhhing.
356
00:18:22,877 --> 00:18:24,955
Good god, man, first
you um and then you uh.
357
00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:27,558
It's a short step from that
to, "Hang on, I know this one,
358
00:18:27,582 --> 00:18:29,493
could you repeat the question, please?"
359
00:18:29,517 --> 00:18:32,563
Pull yourself together,
you foul drunkard.
360
00:18:32,587 --> 00:18:35,799
Jane sits to the left of Fred,
who is two seats down from Tony,
361
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:38,535
who sits to the right of Jane,
next to the fire extinguisher.
362
00:18:38,559 --> 00:18:40,471
Each seat has a width
of two and a half feet
363
00:18:40,495 --> 00:18:42,339
and there's nine inches between them.
364
00:18:42,363 --> 00:18:45,809
In a fire, how far will Fred have to
travel to reach the fire extinguisher?
365
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,912
- Tony would've grabbed it.
- Tony and Jane have fainted from fear.
366
00:18:48,936 --> 00:18:52,483
Inspector Fowler, we are
discussing a dangerous operation.
367
00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:54,852
You're on duty, man,
pull yourself together.
368
00:18:54,876 --> 00:18:56,453
I'm sorry, you're quite right.
369
00:18:56,477 --> 00:18:58,655
I will not mention the quiz again...
370
00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,190
Except to say
371
00:19:00,214 --> 00:19:03,093
that victory will bring
honor to the whole station.
372
00:19:03,117 --> 00:19:05,685
Honor... And a big cup.
373
00:19:06,988 --> 00:19:09,165
Big shiny cup.
374
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,334
Not that one covets
such trinkets, of course.
375
00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:15,472
But a cup that this pathetic alcoholic,
376
00:19:15,496 --> 00:19:18,675
this sad, raddled,
beer-soaked dipsomaniac,
377
00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:22,178
who will no doubt arrive at the
final mounted on a pink elephant,
378
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,847
chooses to put at risk-
379
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:26,383
- Fowler!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
380
00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:28,952
Please proceed. I will not disturb you
381
00:19:28,976 --> 00:19:31,021
or mention the quiz final ever again.
382
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:32,523
I'm very glad to hear it.
383
00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:35,893
Right, now, the meeting will take place
384
00:19:35,917 --> 00:19:37,728
at the old priest's hole.
385
00:19:37,752 --> 00:19:39,830
What is it now?
386
00:19:39,854 --> 00:19:42,365
The old priest's hole is the
venue for the pub quiz final.
387
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:45,201
- Really?
- Definitely.
388
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:48,705
Fowler, I'm afraid that means
that Habib is off your quiz team.
389
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,440
But she's my star striker.
390
00:19:50,464 --> 00:19:53,677
Exactly. If she turns up
at our villain's boozer
391
00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:56,212
as the star of Gasforth
police quiz team,
392
00:19:56,236 --> 00:19:58,838
there's just a chance he
might work out she's a copper.
393
00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:05,789
Excuse me, sergeant, darling,
394
00:20:05,813 --> 00:20:08,358
- May I have a word?
- It's your police station.
395
00:20:08,382 --> 00:20:10,383
You can talk to who you like, I suppose.
396
00:20:12,286 --> 00:20:13,697
Yes, well, um...
397
00:20:13,721 --> 00:20:16,767
The point is that I need
another man for my quiz team.
398
00:20:16,791 --> 00:20:20,226
And when I say "man," I mean,
of course, "man or person."
399
00:20:21,529 --> 00:20:23,973
Now you've got a pretty
good brain, old girl,
400
00:20:23,997 --> 00:20:26,876
senile dementia not quite
set in yet, I hope, hmm?
401
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:30,980
You wouldn't be much good
on pop music or fashion,
402
00:20:31,004 --> 00:20:34,551
but I would imagine you'd
play a pretty straight bat
403
00:20:34,575 --> 00:20:36,286
when it came to postwar politics
404
00:20:36,310 --> 00:20:40,056
or matters pertaining to
gardening and plumbing.
405
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:41,248
So how about it?
406
00:20:41,272 --> 00:20:43,393
I can't imagine why you
would want another player.
407
00:20:43,417 --> 00:20:45,395
After all, you have constable Habib,
408
00:20:45,419 --> 00:20:48,231
the finest brain and the
shortest skirt in the force.
409
00:20:48,255 --> 00:20:52,602
Yes, there's no doubt that
Habib is an extraordinary woman.
410
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,604
But I'm afraid she cannot compete.
411
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,840
I have other duties for her.
412
00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:59,643
What other duties,
Raymond? What is going on?!
413
00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:02,879
I'm afraid I cannot tell
you, and that's the end of it.
414
00:21:02,903 --> 00:21:05,849
And anyway, does our
team really need her?
415
00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:08,117
She's bright, she's charismatic
416
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:09,519
and she's a natural star,
417
00:21:09,543 --> 00:21:12,155
"but is that what we want?" I ask.
418
00:21:12,179 --> 00:21:14,791
And I answer, "no."
419
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,994
Give me a good, honest, plain, solid,
420
00:21:18,018 --> 00:21:21,365
workaday team player
like dear old Pat Dawkins.
421
00:21:21,389 --> 00:21:24,000
I wouldn't join your quiz
team if it was the only thing
422
00:21:24,024 --> 00:21:27,326
that stood between you and
disemboweling with a blunt truncheon.
423
00:21:30,398 --> 00:21:33,276
Goody, Gladstone, in the briefing room.
424
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:38,181
Leave the er. Uh, I mean...
425
00:21:38,205 --> 00:21:39,305
Leave it.
426
00:21:40,908 --> 00:21:42,285
All right, you men.
427
00:21:42,309 --> 00:21:43,787
I'm going to ask you a question,
428
00:21:43,811 --> 00:21:46,857
and I want you to answer
to the best of your ability.
429
00:21:46,881 --> 00:21:49,225
- Do you understand?
- Yes, sir.
430
00:21:49,249 --> 00:21:53,597
- Just one question, sir.
- Yes, just the one question, Goody.
431
00:21:53,621 --> 00:21:56,600
No, I mean, may I ask a
question about your question?
432
00:21:56,624 --> 00:21:59,035
- Yes, if you must.
- Thank you, sir.
433
00:21:59,059 --> 00:22:01,027
Is that the question?
434
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:03,874
Is what the question?
435
00:22:03,898 --> 00:22:05,241
If we understand.
436
00:22:05,265 --> 00:22:06,443
Understand what?
437
00:22:06,467 --> 00:22:08,868
That you're going to ask us a question.
438
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:12,215
Is the question whether you understand
439
00:22:12,239 --> 00:22:14,418
the fact that I'm going
to ask you a question?
440
00:22:14,442 --> 00:22:18,254
Yes, sir. You see, you said you
were going to ask us a question.
441
00:22:18,278 --> 00:22:20,891
And then you asked us if we understood.
442
00:22:20,915 --> 00:22:23,393
Now I was wondering if
that was the question,
443
00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:26,996
or just a sub question, and that
the real question was still to come.
444
00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:30,333
Congratulations, Goody, you've just
failed your trial for the quiz team.
445
00:22:30,357 --> 00:22:31,624
- Get out.
- Yes, sir.
446
00:22:34,094 --> 00:22:36,473
I was captain of a pub
quiz side once, sir.
447
00:22:36,497 --> 00:22:38,909
- Were you really?
- Oh yes.
448
00:22:38,933 --> 00:22:42,011
I remember telling the
lads before our first match,
449
00:22:42,035 --> 00:22:46,516
"memory and detail
let those be our bywords.
450
00:22:46,540 --> 00:22:50,654
Memory, memory, memory,
detail, detail, detail."
451
00:22:50,678 --> 00:22:53,189
Excellent advice, Gladstone.
How did your team fare?
452
00:22:53,213 --> 00:22:55,348
I don't know. I forgot
where the pub was, sir.
453
00:22:57,952 --> 00:23:01,197
Sir, you know the name
of our team is called
454
00:23:01,221 --> 00:23:03,767
"Gasforth police station"?
455
00:23:03,791 --> 00:23:06,069
Yes, very good.
456
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:09,573
But I fear the questions are
likely to be slightly more taxing
457
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:11,475
than what is the name of your team.
458
00:23:11,499 --> 00:23:13,877
No, I was just thinking,
459
00:23:13,901 --> 00:23:17,747
it doesn't say that the players
actually have to be coppers.
460
00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:19,038
Does it, sir?
461
00:23:20,975 --> 00:23:22,786
How far will Fred have to travel
462
00:23:22,810 --> 00:23:24,721
to reach the fire extinguisher?
463
00:23:24,745 --> 00:23:27,757
Uh...
464
00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:28,859
What?
465
00:23:28,883 --> 00:23:31,417
Who cares?
466
00:23:34,254 --> 00:23:37,000
I don't think you're trying
hard enough, constable.
467
00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:38,502
Did you show him plenty of leg?
468
00:23:38,526 --> 00:23:41,638
Excuse me, if this skirt were
any shorter, it'd be a belt.
469
00:23:41,662 --> 00:23:45,108
Habib, this bloke is a hardened villain.
470
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:48,912
He's not going to incriminate
himself for a flash of gusset.
471
00:23:48,936 --> 00:23:50,914
You've got to go further. Offer the lot.
472
00:23:50,938 --> 00:23:53,049
- Do what?
- Oh god.
473
00:23:53,073 --> 00:23:54,841
I suppose I'll have to show you.
474
00:23:55,910 --> 00:23:57,988
Constable Kray, you be the Mark.
475
00:23:58,012 --> 00:24:00,289
Now this is how to be sexy.
476
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:02,682
Of course you've got
to imagine the skirt.
477
00:24:06,587 --> 00:24:08,532
So do you want another drink, love?
478
00:24:08,556 --> 00:24:11,568
Oh I shouldn't really, I
get so randy when I'm tiddly.
479
00:24:11,592 --> 00:24:14,427
All right, go on then, lover.
480
00:24:15,696 --> 00:24:18,241
Give me a big one.
481
00:24:18,265 --> 00:24:20,043
Excuse me...
482
00:24:20,067 --> 00:24:23,202
Are we trying to make
him confess or throw up?
483
00:24:24,237 --> 00:24:25,649
Look, inspector Grim,
484
00:24:25,673 --> 00:24:28,484
with all due respect to
your suppressed sexuality,
485
00:24:28,508 --> 00:24:30,954
I haven't got a problem
giving him the come on.
486
00:24:30,978 --> 00:24:33,590
I've been beating him off
with a bottle of brown ale.
487
00:24:33,614 --> 00:24:35,892
It just isn't making
him blab, that's all.
488
00:24:35,916 --> 00:24:38,728
You got to make him think you
like sleeping with villains,
489
00:24:38,752 --> 00:24:41,397
- That it turns you on.
- No, I will not have it.
490
00:24:41,421 --> 00:24:44,000
That is blatant entrapment.
It is not the job of the police
491
00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:45,902
to provoke people into breaking the law.
492
00:24:45,926 --> 00:24:48,838
You can't provoke them if
they don't want to do it.
493
00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:51,675
We've come this far, she's
gotta go the last mile.
494
00:24:51,699 --> 00:24:53,843
What do you think, sir?
495
00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:56,112
Soliciting a crime is an offense.
496
00:24:56,136 --> 00:24:58,114
I know, constable, I know.
497
00:24:58,138 --> 00:25:00,750
I utterly deplore
this type of operation.
498
00:25:00,774 --> 00:25:04,287
But we've come this far,
499
00:25:04,311 --> 00:25:06,856
and if we can just get
this business over with
500
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,949
before the pub quiz final, then
you can be back on the team.
501
00:25:16,991 --> 00:25:19,402
Well, Habib, you don't look very happy.
502
00:25:19,426 --> 00:25:21,938
What's inspector Fowler
asked you to do now?
503
00:25:21,962 --> 00:25:24,941
He's asking me to go a lot further
than I feel comfortable with.
504
00:25:24,965 --> 00:25:27,677
Personally, I think it's a bit immoral.
505
00:25:27,701 --> 00:25:29,268
And I think he does too.
506
00:25:33,173 --> 00:25:35,619
Heavens and braces, sergeant Dawkins,
507
00:25:35,643 --> 00:25:37,353
have you run mad?
508
00:25:37,377 --> 00:25:39,122
No, I have not.
509
00:25:39,146 --> 00:25:41,180
I have come to my senses.
510
00:25:43,383 --> 00:25:46,963
You've destroyed her majesty's crest,
511
00:25:46,987 --> 00:25:50,166
the very symbol of all the
values that I stand for!
512
00:25:50,190 --> 00:25:51,968
You don't stand for any values.
513
00:25:51,992 --> 00:25:54,370
I've seen what you're
doing to constable Habib.
514
00:25:54,394 --> 00:25:55,839
You viper, you rat!
515
00:25:55,863 --> 00:25:57,641
Oh, I see.
516
00:25:57,665 --> 00:26:00,409
So you know about Habib, do you?
517
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:03,680
- Yes, I do.
- You were right to destroy the crest.
518
00:26:03,704 --> 00:26:05,148
I should never have gone along
519
00:26:05,172 --> 00:26:07,717
with Grim's entrapment
operation in the first place,
520
00:26:07,741 --> 00:26:12,288
let alone hurry it on so Habib
could rejoin my quiz team.
521
00:26:12,312 --> 00:26:13,890
Entrapment operation?
522
00:26:13,914 --> 00:26:16,793
Well, yes, but
but you must've known that.
523
00:26:16,817 --> 00:26:18,862
That's why you destroyed the crest.
524
00:26:18,886 --> 00:26:21,698
Unless you placed some
other interpretation
525
00:26:21,722 --> 00:26:24,134
upon my activities with constable Habib?
526
00:26:24,158 --> 00:26:27,037
No, no, no. No, I had the
whole thing worked out.
527
00:26:27,061 --> 00:26:30,606
Short skirts, secret meetings
entrapment operation.
528
00:26:30,630 --> 00:26:33,643
Plain as day, absolutely.
Knew all along.
529
00:26:33,667 --> 00:26:36,913
I should never have agreed
to Grim's appalling methods.
530
00:26:36,937 --> 00:26:40,817
If I had not, I would
still have my honor,
531
00:26:40,841 --> 00:26:42,552
my crest,
532
00:26:42,576 --> 00:26:44,688
and a full quiz team.
533
00:26:44,712 --> 00:26:47,580
As it is, I have nothing.
534
00:26:48,582 --> 00:26:50,560
Dear, oh dear, Raymond.
535
00:26:50,584 --> 00:26:54,597
You don't half go on
with your high and mighty,
536
00:26:54,621 --> 00:26:57,466
up your jacksy, snooty, snotty,
537
00:26:57,490 --> 00:27:00,269
dib-dib-dob, excuse
me, scout's honor,
538
00:27:00,293 --> 00:27:04,307
not bleeding, croquet
load of old cobblers."
539
00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:06,776
I don't suppose when Habib
comes in here with our man,
540
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:08,945
you'll mind taking half
the credit, will you?
541
00:27:08,969 --> 00:27:11,181
No, you'll be in there
for the glory, won't you?
542
00:27:11,205 --> 00:27:14,718
On the contrary, Derek, I want
no further part of this matter.
543
00:27:14,742 --> 00:27:17,921
So the full and complete
credit goes to C.I.D.?
544
00:27:17,945 --> 00:27:20,023
The whole thing is mine?
545
00:27:20,047 --> 00:27:22,458
I shall hold you to that, Raymond.
546
00:27:22,482 --> 00:27:24,350
Oh yes, oh yes.
547
00:27:28,155 --> 00:27:30,766
Evening, Mr. Grim. Evening, Mr. Fowler.
548
00:27:30,790 --> 00:27:33,103
Well, well, well.
549
00:27:33,127 --> 00:27:35,028
Terry the tank.
550
00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:38,308
It seems an arrest
has been made already.
551
00:27:38,332 --> 00:27:39,842
Well done, constable.
552
00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:42,912
I shall handle this, Raymond. As agreed.
553
00:27:42,936 --> 00:27:44,947
Sir, I don't think you understand.
554
00:27:44,971 --> 00:27:47,984
She hasn't arrested
me. I've arrested her.
555
00:27:48,008 --> 00:27:51,721
On a citizen's arrest.
Greedy little copper tart!
556
00:27:51,745 --> 00:27:53,789
Here I was trying to get me leg over,
557
00:27:53,813 --> 00:27:57,093
and all she's interested
in is my pump action.
558
00:27:57,117 --> 00:27:58,728
Entrapment, that's what this is.
559
00:27:58,752 --> 00:28:01,431
I want to make a very serious complaint.
560
00:28:01,455 --> 00:28:04,100
Inspector Grim, I
believe you were anxious
561
00:28:04,124 --> 00:28:06,859
to take full and complete
credit for this operation.
562
00:28:08,795 --> 00:28:10,096
Now's your chance.
563
00:28:11,532 --> 00:28:13,709
I love you.
564
00:28:13,733 --> 00:28:14,944
You know that, don't you?
565
00:28:14,968 --> 00:28:17,880
I love you, I love you, I love you.
566
00:28:17,904 --> 00:28:20,383
You're all I've ever wanted.
567
00:28:20,407 --> 00:28:22,419
Holding you like this in my arms
568
00:28:22,443 --> 00:28:25,555
makes me the happiest man in the world.
569
00:28:25,579 --> 00:28:27,890
But then you know that, don't you?
570
00:28:27,914 --> 00:28:30,960
And I'll never ever let you go.
571
00:28:30,984 --> 00:28:32,185
Shut up, Raymond.
41017
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.