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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:43,912 --> 00:01:45,113 Hello, darling. 2 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:48,860 - I hope I didn't wake you. - Not at all. 3 00:01:48,884 --> 00:01:51,896 It's the first time you've made my headboard rattle this year. 4 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,366 I wouldn't have wanted to miss that. 5 00:01:54,390 --> 00:01:57,768 - Where've you been? - You know where I've been, my petal. 6 00:01:57,792 --> 00:02:00,505 At my pub quiz night. 7 00:02:00,529 --> 00:02:02,974 The pubs close at 11:00. 8 00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,675 Yes, that's true. 9 00:02:04,699 --> 00:02:06,344 But I've been buying you a present. 10 00:02:06,368 --> 00:02:09,504 - What? - A kebab. 11 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,251 I don't want your horrid kebab. 12 00:02:13,275 --> 00:02:14,852 - Oh. - Raymond, 13 00:02:14,876 --> 00:02:16,787 is that lipstick on your collar? 14 00:02:16,811 --> 00:02:19,190 Uh, no, it's ketchup. 15 00:02:19,214 --> 00:02:21,926 - Good. - I remember now, 16 00:02:21,950 --> 00:02:24,996 constable Habib was eating ketchupy chips 17 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,498 when I kissed her. 18 00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:28,766 You kissed constable Habib? 19 00:02:28,790 --> 00:02:31,002 We're through to the local final, Patricia. 20 00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:33,104 We're one game away from the trophy. 21 00:02:33,128 --> 00:02:35,606 So you kissed Maggie Habib? 22 00:02:35,630 --> 00:02:39,610 Yes. I very nearly kissed constable Kray as well. 23 00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,446 Loathsome man as he is, 24 00:02:41,470 --> 00:02:43,415 he does know the halftime scores 25 00:02:43,439 --> 00:02:45,206 of every cup final since 1918. 26 00:02:48,310 --> 00:02:50,021 ♪ Another one bites the dust... ♪ 27 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:52,424 ♪ And another one bites, another one bites ♪ 28 00:02:52,448 --> 00:02:54,325 ♪ another one bites the dust! ♪ 29 00:02:54,349 --> 00:02:55,927 Oh, god. 30 00:02:55,951 --> 00:02:59,364 You know how much the quiz trophy means to me. 31 00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:02,967 It's the only glittering prize I've ever truly coveted. 32 00:03:02,991 --> 00:03:04,969 So you kissed Maggie Habib. 33 00:03:04,993 --> 00:03:06,571 Yes. 34 00:03:06,595 --> 00:03:08,906 I can't tell you how wonderful she was. 35 00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:10,308 Well, don't. 36 00:03:10,332 --> 00:03:13,378 It was all down to the last question, you see? 37 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:16,514 I'd been stumped on the name of the chancellor 38 00:03:16,538 --> 00:03:18,649 in the Israeli's second administration. 39 00:03:18,673 --> 00:03:22,153 Would you believe it? Mr. Thickey or what? 40 00:03:22,177 --> 00:03:25,523 That oaf Kray had gone completely to pieces 41 00:03:25,547 --> 00:03:27,992 over the 1932 soviet discus team. 42 00:03:28,016 --> 00:03:32,097 Frankly, things were looking pretty bleak... 43 00:03:32,121 --> 00:03:35,900 Until Habib, dear, beautiful, 44 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:38,570 clever little constable Habib 45 00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:40,938 pulled off a stunning coup 46 00:03:40,962 --> 00:03:44,599 by knowing the names of all a gorilla's vertebrae. 47 00:03:46,135 --> 00:03:47,545 What a woman. 48 00:03:47,569 --> 00:03:49,069 What a woman! 49 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,684 Darling, what? 50 00:03:53,708 --> 00:03:56,321 - What's the matter? - Nothing. Really, it's nothing. 51 00:03:56,345 --> 00:03:58,590 Oh, that's all right then. 52 00:03:58,614 --> 00:04:01,993 I thought you were upset or something. 53 00:04:02,017 --> 00:04:04,185 I'm going to brush my teeth. 54 00:04:05,387 --> 00:04:07,432 I can't remember the last time you said 55 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,966 what a wonderful woman I was. 56 00:04:08,990 --> 00:04:10,801 Oh, come on, darling. 57 00:04:10,825 --> 00:04:14,739 You don't know the skeletal composition of the gorilla family. 58 00:04:14,763 --> 00:04:15,796 Be serious. 59 00:04:22,337 --> 00:04:23,948 - Morning. - Good morning. 60 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,674 Morning, everyone. Good morning. 61 00:04:30,045 --> 00:04:33,324 Um, you're not annoyed with me, are you, sergeant? 62 00:04:33,348 --> 00:04:35,293 No, not at all. 63 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:38,095 It's just that at breakfast I couldn't help noticing 64 00:04:38,119 --> 00:04:39,830 that you crunched your cornflakes 65 00:04:39,854 --> 00:04:41,533 in rather an aggressive manner. 66 00:04:41,557 --> 00:04:43,468 Did I? 67 00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:46,194 And you did make my tea with cold water... 68 00:04:48,197 --> 00:04:50,775 And yesterday's teabag 69 00:04:50,799 --> 00:04:52,733 in my bicycle helmet. 70 00:04:55,070 --> 00:04:56,881 Not that it wasn't lovely. 71 00:04:56,905 --> 00:04:58,583 - Most refreshing. - Raymond, 72 00:04:58,607 --> 00:05:00,951 I am not in the slightest bit angry. 73 00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,520 Good, good. 74 00:05:02,544 --> 00:05:06,591 So the brillo pad in my shredded wheat was a mistake? 75 00:05:06,615 --> 00:05:08,426 Morning, all. 76 00:05:08,450 --> 00:05:10,728 Ah, Kray, fresh from last night's triumph. 77 00:05:10,752 --> 00:05:12,297 What are you eating? 78 00:05:12,321 --> 00:05:15,333 Breakfast, isn't it? Beef and onion pie. Do you want a bit? 79 00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:17,569 Beef and onion pie? Spit it out, man! 80 00:05:17,593 --> 00:05:19,637 Haven't you heard of mad cow disease? 81 00:05:19,661 --> 00:05:22,807 Come on, sir, no one worries about that anymore. 82 00:05:22,831 --> 00:05:26,010 Nobody worries about cricketers chewing gum and spitting anymore, 83 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,879 but that doesn't mean it has ceased to be a national disgrace. 84 00:05:28,903 --> 00:05:30,948 I can't go without my beef. 85 00:05:30,972 --> 00:05:34,285 Personally, I don't believe all those stories anyway. 86 00:05:34,309 --> 00:05:37,689 As far as I'm concerned you could get more sense out of a british cow 87 00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:39,880 than you will out of a packet of german sausages. 88 00:05:42,317 --> 00:05:45,697 Very possibly, but the final of the pub quiz is only a week away. 89 00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,031 We can take no chances. 90 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:49,100 From now on, I suggest you eat only fish, 91 00:05:49,124 --> 00:05:51,802 preferably raw. Seafood is brain food. 92 00:05:51,826 --> 00:05:53,137 That's true, sir. 93 00:05:53,161 --> 00:05:55,206 Murgatroyd, who lives next door to me, 94 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:57,242 eats nothing but fish. 95 00:05:57,266 --> 00:06:01,101 And she can lick her own backside, which I think is very clever. 96 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:06,083 Would I be right in assuming that Murgatroyd is a cat? 97 00:06:06,107 --> 00:06:08,509 No, sir, she's a contortionist. 98 00:06:13,515 --> 00:06:16,828 I've got a tough job on, and I need your cooperation. 99 00:06:16,852 --> 00:06:18,930 Now it's pretty urgent, 100 00:06:18,954 --> 00:06:22,289 so I won't beat about the proverbial privet. 101 00:06:23,892 --> 00:06:27,172 Frankly, I'm too busy a man to be cluck-clucking away 102 00:06:27,196 --> 00:06:29,574 like a decapitated feathered fowl, 103 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,209 so I'll get straight to the point. 104 00:06:31,233 --> 00:06:32,744 I'm delighted to hear it. 105 00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:35,479 "Time waits for no man," as the proverb goes. 106 00:06:35,503 --> 00:06:37,615 What I say is, in C.I.D., 107 00:06:37,639 --> 00:06:39,550 crime waits for no man. 108 00:06:39,574 --> 00:06:42,954 So with that in mind, I shall cut the bovine feces altogether. 109 00:06:42,978 --> 00:06:46,024 - Good. - This is C.I.D. Work, Raymond. 110 00:06:46,048 --> 00:06:49,260 In C.I.D. We dispense with niceties. 111 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:53,064 We avoid irrelevance, we disregard herrings- 112 00:06:53,088 --> 00:06:54,465 red or otherwise- 113 00:06:54,489 --> 00:06:57,859 and above all we do not fanny about. 114 00:06:59,394 --> 00:07:01,039 - Inspector Grim? - What? 115 00:07:01,063 --> 00:07:03,975 Was there something you wanted to discuss? 116 00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:05,399 Oh yes. 117 00:07:07,236 --> 00:07:09,080 To be blunt, Raymond, 118 00:07:09,104 --> 00:07:12,050 I need a woman and I want your help. 119 00:07:12,074 --> 00:07:14,853 Right. 120 00:07:14,877 --> 00:07:18,289 Derek, I'm glad you felt able to come to me about this. 121 00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:21,793 How strong are these urges, and how long have you had them? 122 00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:24,062 A policewoman, you idiot. 123 00:07:24,086 --> 00:07:27,431 We've been on to a major local villain for months, 124 00:07:27,455 --> 00:07:28,967 but he's slippery, 125 00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:30,224 like an owl. 126 00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:36,440 He does, however, have a weakness. 127 00:07:36,464 --> 00:07:38,509 And that weakness is totty. 128 00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,578 Totty? 129 00:07:40,602 --> 00:07:43,581 Birds, bints, anything in a skirt- 130 00:07:43,605 --> 00:07:46,050 barring a scotsman. 131 00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:48,853 He's a ladies' man. 132 00:07:48,877 --> 00:07:51,656 Are you suggesting an entrapment operation? 133 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,357 Not entrapment, Raymond. 134 00:07:53,381 --> 00:07:56,060 Entrapment is, as you know, illegal. 135 00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,462 But blokes drop their guard with girls. 136 00:07:58,486 --> 00:08:00,431 They don't think of the consequences. 137 00:08:00,455 --> 00:08:03,067 Blimey, we've all done it. 138 00:08:03,091 --> 00:08:06,637 You get all stupid with some young lovely 139 00:08:06,661 --> 00:08:09,307 and before you know it you're bald, 140 00:08:09,331 --> 00:08:12,610 40, sitting in the car park 141 00:08:12,634 --> 00:08:15,502 at Sainsbury's home base. 142 00:08:16,972 --> 00:08:18,850 Now I want someone with brains. 143 00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,852 Brains and beauty. 144 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,620 - Your report, sir. - Thank you. 145 00:08:22,644 --> 00:08:24,956 I want Habib. 146 00:08:24,980 --> 00:08:26,958 You cannot have her. 147 00:08:26,982 --> 00:08:30,328 I strongly disapprove of this type of dubious, underhand operation. 148 00:08:30,352 --> 00:08:32,263 We're not talking about a honey trap, 149 00:08:32,287 --> 00:08:34,098 just a bit of intelligence gathering. 150 00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:36,634 C.I.D. Cannot operate without intelligence. 151 00:08:36,658 --> 00:08:39,938 You seem to have managed very well up till now. 152 00:08:39,962 --> 00:08:41,272 Listen, 153 00:08:41,296 --> 00:08:43,208 the bloke is laughing at the law. 154 00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:45,643 If you're not careful, division'll hand it over 155 00:08:45,667 --> 00:08:47,545 and we'll have the flying squad back. 156 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,413 You really think so? 157 00:08:49,437 --> 00:08:51,716 Of course if all we're doing is fannying about. 158 00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,719 I don't much care for the flying squad, I must say. 159 00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,520 Arrogant oafs to a man. 160 00:08:56,544 --> 00:08:58,422 The last time they were here, 161 00:08:58,446 --> 00:09:01,759 one of them left chewing gum stuck under my desk. 162 00:09:01,783 --> 00:09:04,829 I mean, what sort of mentality? 163 00:09:04,853 --> 00:09:06,965 And the state of the lavatories- 164 00:09:06,989 --> 00:09:10,657 it was almost as if they were aiming for the floor. 165 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,273 These men are trained marksmen, for heaven's sake. 166 00:09:15,297 --> 00:09:17,909 All I'd say is, if you're ever cornered by one, 167 00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:19,944 head for the gents' and hide in a urinal 168 00:09:19,968 --> 00:09:22,347 because they're incapable of hitting it. 169 00:09:22,371 --> 00:09:24,749 Right. 170 00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,684 And if you don't want them round here 171 00:09:26,708 --> 00:09:29,921 chewing gum and dampening our facilities, 172 00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:32,456 you'd better start cooperating with me. 173 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,293 I'll talk to the girl and see how she feels about it. 174 00:09:35,317 --> 00:09:36,660 Well, do it discreetly. 175 00:09:36,684 --> 00:09:38,329 It's not the sort of operation 176 00:09:38,353 --> 00:09:40,531 that wants to be blabbed round the station. 177 00:09:40,555 --> 00:09:42,633 Tell no one but Habib. 178 00:09:42,657 --> 00:09:45,136 I don't need to be told my duty, inspector Grim. 179 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,570 Well, I hope not, 180 00:09:46,594 --> 00:09:48,706 because it's my backside on the line 181 00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:51,065 and I'm right up to my neck in it. 182 00:09:55,870 --> 00:09:57,548 Ah, constable Habib. 183 00:09:57,572 --> 00:09:59,139 Come in, sit down. 184 00:10:01,910 --> 00:10:04,421 Now then, I've asked you to come and see me 185 00:10:04,445 --> 00:10:06,523 on a matter of considerable delicacy. 186 00:10:06,547 --> 00:10:08,693 Right you are, inspector. You can trust me. 187 00:10:08,717 --> 00:10:10,461 I sincerely hope I can. 188 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:13,698 Because I wish to discuss an extremely sensitive operation. 189 00:10:13,722 --> 00:10:15,600 Oh, I see. 190 00:10:15,624 --> 00:10:17,367 My dad's just had one of those. 191 00:10:17,391 --> 00:10:20,270 Bowel complaints are very common in men of your age. 192 00:10:20,294 --> 00:10:22,974 I'm talking about a police operation, constable. 193 00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,642 Oh, I see, sir. Sorry. 194 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:26,310 What's more, for the record, 195 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,646 my bowels are in perfect working order. 196 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:32,449 - Glad to hear it, sir. - You could set your watch by them. 197 00:10:32,473 --> 00:10:34,384 I haven't missed an evacuation 198 00:10:34,408 --> 00:10:36,677 in 25 years of public service. 199 00:10:38,479 --> 00:10:40,257 However, I am not here to discuss 200 00:10:40,281 --> 00:10:43,160 my quite excellent digestive system. 201 00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,796 I'm here to discuss a police matter. 202 00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:49,834 You are to be seconded to the Criminal Investigations Department. 203 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:51,068 C.I.D.?! 204 00:10:51,092 --> 00:10:53,971 Yes, yes, the C.I.D., if you must. 205 00:10:53,995 --> 00:10:57,074 Although it's beyond me why perfectly serviceable sentences 206 00:10:57,098 --> 00:11:00,244 must always be reduced to graceless, lifeless initials. 207 00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:04,448 Why, when Mark Antony stood bestride Caesar's grave declaiming, 208 00:11:04,472 --> 00:11:06,751 "Friends, Romans, Countrymen," 209 00:11:06,775 --> 00:11:08,519 Would he have done better to say, 210 00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,554 "F.R.Cs"? 211 00:11:10,578 --> 00:11:12,089 It would've saved time, sir. 212 00:11:12,113 --> 00:11:13,758 Initials are easier and quicker. 213 00:11:13,782 --> 00:11:15,826 Yes, but does that make them better? 214 00:11:15,850 --> 00:11:17,427 Life would be easier and quicker 215 00:11:17,451 --> 00:11:19,830 if we popped our clogs at birth. 216 00:11:19,854 --> 00:11:22,800 That way we would avoid all those slow, troublesome things 217 00:11:22,824 --> 00:11:24,969 like long walks in the country, 218 00:11:24,993 --> 00:11:26,370 games of chess, 219 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,306 long, languid, lingering... 220 00:11:29,330 --> 00:11:30,574 Oh, what's the word? 221 00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:32,710 - Sex? - I was going to say 222 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,945 amontillado sherries before lunch, 223 00:11:34,969 --> 00:11:37,682 but yes, if you like, sex. 224 00:11:37,706 --> 00:11:40,317 Would you prefer sex, constable Habib, 225 00:11:40,341 --> 00:11:42,375 if it was quick and easy? 226 00:11:47,548 --> 00:11:49,349 Yes, sergeant, was there something? 227 00:11:51,186 --> 00:11:53,330 What is constable Habib doing in your office? 228 00:11:53,354 --> 00:11:55,232 Now that I cannot say, sergeant. 229 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,568 Constable Habib and I were discussing something 230 00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,837 which must remain private between the two of us. 231 00:11:59,861 --> 00:12:03,007 - Private? - I fear so. Now what can I do for you? 232 00:12:03,031 --> 00:12:04,909 There's a delivery for you. 233 00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,767 Constable Goody? 234 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,705 We've got the new "er," sir. 235 00:12:12,741 --> 00:12:14,651 - The new er? - That's right. 236 00:12:14,675 --> 00:12:16,587 The er. Beautiful it is. 237 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,155 Beautiful and shiny. 238 00:12:18,179 --> 00:12:20,347 A beautiful and shiny er. 239 00:12:22,717 --> 00:12:25,629 - You ordered it. - I ordered an er? 240 00:12:25,653 --> 00:12:28,766 Yes, and now it's come. Frank's been polishing it up. 241 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,468 Come on, Frank. Show inspector Fowler his new er. 242 00:12:31,492 --> 00:12:34,671 Oh, of course. 243 00:12:34,695 --> 00:12:36,573 The new desk crest. E.R. 244 00:12:36,597 --> 00:12:38,431 Yes, that's right, "er." 245 00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:42,046 Constable Goody, this is the royal crest. 246 00:12:42,070 --> 00:12:45,015 Yes, I know that. I'm not thick, am I? 247 00:12:45,039 --> 00:12:47,918 If you knew that this crest represented the authority 248 00:12:47,942 --> 00:12:49,086 of her majesty the queen, 249 00:12:49,110 --> 00:12:50,921 what in the devil's briefcase 250 00:12:50,945 --> 00:12:52,813 did you imagine E.R. stood for? 251 00:12:54,215 --> 00:12:55,949 'Er in the palace. 252 00:12:59,921 --> 00:13:03,200 Elizabeth Regina. It stands for Elizabeth Regina! 253 00:13:03,224 --> 00:13:04,701 I never knew that. 254 00:13:04,725 --> 00:13:08,405 I thought it stood for extremely royal. 255 00:13:08,429 --> 00:13:10,374 E.R. is initials, isn't it, sir? 256 00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,276 Are they graceless and lifeless? 257 00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,278 Don't be clever, Habib. 258 00:13:14,302 --> 00:13:16,580 The public mistrusts clever police officers. 259 00:13:16,604 --> 00:13:19,683 They think they're up to something. 260 00:13:19,707 --> 00:13:22,186 Clear off, you lot, and hang that above the front desk. 261 00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:24,278 I'm in the middle of a sensitive meeting. 262 00:13:26,815 --> 00:13:29,326 I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave too, sergeant. 263 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,595 You're throwing me out of your office? 264 00:13:31,619 --> 00:13:33,563 Reluctantly, I'm afraid that I am. 265 00:13:33,587 --> 00:13:36,466 You see, I wish to be alone with constable Habib. 266 00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:39,069 You do understand, don't you, sergeant? 267 00:13:39,093 --> 00:13:41,071 Oh, yes. 268 00:13:41,095 --> 00:13:43,030 I understand very well. 269 00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:50,647 I must say this er will look very well up on the wall. 270 00:13:50,671 --> 00:13:52,482 Tell you what, Frank, 271 00:13:52,506 --> 00:13:54,741 you need a big hat to pin that badge on. 272 00:13:59,113 --> 00:14:00,357 So constable Habib, 273 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:02,993 you are to be the bait in a honey trap. 274 00:14:03,017 --> 00:14:05,896 You are to dress up in your finest stockings, 275 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,565 miniskirt and boob tube 276 00:14:07,589 --> 00:14:09,933 to ensnare a hard-bitten thug 277 00:14:09,957 --> 00:14:11,768 into your sexual web. 278 00:14:11,792 --> 00:14:14,438 I envy you, constable Habib. 279 00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,540 I would give much for such an opportunity 280 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,209 to serve my community. 281 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,444 Well, sir, I could lend you a pair of tights. 282 00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:23,380 Don't be facetious, Habib. 283 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:26,317 Now if my experience in amateur drama 284 00:14:26,341 --> 00:14:28,051 has taught me anything, 285 00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:31,188 it is that there's more to acting than putting on the tights. 286 00:14:31,212 --> 00:14:33,757 One must immerse oneself in a role, 287 00:14:33,781 --> 00:14:35,158 live it, breathe it. 288 00:14:35,182 --> 00:14:36,960 When I was in "Henry V," 289 00:14:36,984 --> 00:14:40,497 I often came to work with a codpiece under my trousers. 290 00:14:40,521 --> 00:14:42,333 Did you play Henry V, sir? 291 00:14:42,357 --> 00:14:44,435 Well, not quite Henry, no. 292 00:14:44,459 --> 00:14:46,693 I played "man." 293 00:14:48,363 --> 00:14:50,907 The point is that if you take this job on, 294 00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:54,077 from tomorrow morning you will no longer be constable Habib, 295 00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,780 stern, steady, and a credit to the service. 296 00:14:56,804 --> 00:14:59,973 You will instead be a right saucy bit of brisket. 297 00:15:01,909 --> 00:15:05,789 Will you do it? - It's got to be better than collaring shoplifters. 298 00:15:05,813 --> 00:15:08,348 Good. Let's go and see inspector Grim. 299 00:15:09,817 --> 00:15:10,994 Just before we do, 300 00:15:11,018 --> 00:15:13,163 one final thing. 301 00:15:13,187 --> 00:15:14,965 Give me the first six primary numbers. 302 00:15:14,989 --> 00:15:17,000 One, three, five, seven, 11 and 13, sir. 303 00:15:17,024 --> 00:15:18,902 The periodic symbols of iron and gold? 304 00:15:18,926 --> 00:15:20,003 Fe and Au, sir. 305 00:15:20,027 --> 00:15:21,938 The quiz final is six days from now. 306 00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:25,098 - How long is that in half hours? - 288, sir. 307 00:15:29,771 --> 00:15:32,972 Constable Habib, you really are very good. 308 00:15:34,609 --> 00:15:35,819 I do my best, sir. 309 00:15:35,843 --> 00:15:37,454 Bit of a facer at the end. 310 00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:40,681 I must say, I wasn't really ready for such a hard one. 311 00:15:56,096 --> 00:15:59,142 Constable Habib! What do you think you're doing?! 312 00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:01,378 You can't come to work looking like a tart! 313 00:16:01,402 --> 00:16:03,614 I've a good mind to have you disciplined. 314 00:16:03,638 --> 00:16:07,106 It's all right. Inspector Fowler said he wanted me to dress like this. 315 00:16:08,876 --> 00:16:10,521 Inspector Fowler 316 00:16:10,545 --> 00:16:12,122 asked you to dress like that? 317 00:16:12,146 --> 00:16:14,891 That's right. He said he wanted me to look dead sexy. 318 00:16:14,915 --> 00:16:18,995 - What do you think, Pat? - My name is sergeant Dawkins! 319 00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:21,598 Why did inspector Fowler ask you to dress like that? 320 00:16:21,622 --> 00:16:24,201 He, he said I wasn't to tell anyone. 321 00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:27,671 Ah, constable Habib, that's what I like to see. 322 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,306 Splendid. Splendid. 323 00:16:29,330 --> 00:16:31,030 Come on through to the briefing room. 324 00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:36,680 Now remember what I said about acting, Habib. 325 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,415 Live your character. Live it. 326 00:16:38,439 --> 00:16:40,217 Because your life may depend on it. 327 00:16:40,241 --> 00:16:42,776 Right you are, big boy. 328 00:16:54,489 --> 00:16:56,400 Hello, gorgeous. 329 00:16:56,424 --> 00:16:59,002 Mmm, I love a man in a uniform. 330 00:16:59,026 --> 00:17:01,405 Is that a truncheon in your pocket 331 00:17:01,429 --> 00:17:03,129 or are you just pleased to see me? 332 00:17:10,805 --> 00:17:12,806 Actually it's a mars bar. 333 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:20,924 Right then... 334 00:17:20,948 --> 00:17:24,928 Constable Habib, you're with C.I.D. now. 335 00:17:24,952 --> 00:17:28,131 And in C.I.D. we do things a bit differently. 336 00:17:28,155 --> 00:17:30,300 Oh yes. Oh yes. 337 00:17:30,324 --> 00:17:33,169 When you run us up the flagpole, 338 00:17:33,193 --> 00:17:36,774 you'll find you're saluting a very different kettle of fish. 339 00:17:36,798 --> 00:17:39,376 You know, you could be a bit tasty, inspector, 340 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,669 I mean if you had hair on your head instead of your face. 341 00:17:44,371 --> 00:17:46,750 Well done, Habib. 342 00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:50,721 Sorry I'm late. Been down at the frog and truncheon, setting up a narc. 343 00:17:50,745 --> 00:17:53,557 You didn't drink? Tell me you didn't drink. 344 00:17:53,581 --> 00:17:55,726 'Course not, sir. I never drink on duty. 345 00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:57,394 Only had three pints. 346 00:17:57,418 --> 00:18:00,631 Three pints?! Have you any idea how many brain cells 347 00:18:00,655 --> 00:18:02,866 one unit of alcohol destroys? 348 00:18:02,890 --> 00:18:04,601 Who won the F.A. Cup final in 1953? 349 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:08,071 Um, Blackpool. They beat Bolton Wanderers 4-3. 350 00:18:08,095 --> 00:18:11,074 You said "um." you're umming, man. 351 00:18:11,098 --> 00:18:12,976 That's the alcohol umming. 352 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,478 Only boozers and losers um. 353 00:18:14,502 --> 00:18:16,947 Inspector Fowler, we are in the middle- 354 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:20,350 what year was synchronized swimming admitted as an olympic sport? 355 00:18:20,374 --> 00:18:22,853 - Uh, 1984. - Now you're uhhing. 356 00:18:22,877 --> 00:18:24,955 Good god, man, first you um and then you uh. 357 00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:27,558 It's a short step from that to, "Hang on, I know this one, 358 00:18:27,582 --> 00:18:29,493 could you repeat the question, please?" 359 00:18:29,517 --> 00:18:32,563 Pull yourself together, you foul drunkard. 360 00:18:32,587 --> 00:18:35,799 Jane sits to the left of Fred, who is two seats down from Tony, 361 00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:38,535 who sits to the right of Jane, next to the fire extinguisher. 362 00:18:38,559 --> 00:18:40,471 Each seat has a width of two and a half feet 363 00:18:40,495 --> 00:18:42,339 and there's nine inches between them. 364 00:18:42,363 --> 00:18:45,809 In a fire, how far will Fred have to travel to reach the fire extinguisher? 365 00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,912 - Tony would've grabbed it. - Tony and Jane have fainted from fear. 366 00:18:48,936 --> 00:18:52,483 Inspector Fowler, we are discussing a dangerous operation. 367 00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:54,852 You're on duty, man, pull yourself together. 368 00:18:54,876 --> 00:18:56,453 I'm sorry, you're quite right. 369 00:18:56,477 --> 00:18:58,655 I will not mention the quiz again... 370 00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,190 Except to say 371 00:19:00,214 --> 00:19:03,093 that victory will bring honor to the whole station. 372 00:19:03,117 --> 00:19:05,685 Honor... And a big cup. 373 00:19:06,988 --> 00:19:09,165 Big shiny cup. 374 00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,334 Not that one covets such trinkets, of course. 375 00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:15,472 But a cup that this pathetic alcoholic, 376 00:19:15,496 --> 00:19:18,675 this sad, raddled, beer-soaked dipsomaniac, 377 00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:22,178 who will no doubt arrive at the final mounted on a pink elephant, 378 00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,847 chooses to put at risk- 379 00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:26,383 - Fowler! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 380 00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:28,952 Please proceed. I will not disturb you 381 00:19:28,976 --> 00:19:31,021 or mention the quiz final ever again. 382 00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:32,523 I'm very glad to hear it. 383 00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:35,893 Right, now, the meeting will take place 384 00:19:35,917 --> 00:19:37,728 at the old priest's hole. 385 00:19:37,752 --> 00:19:39,830 What is it now? 386 00:19:39,854 --> 00:19:42,365 The old priest's hole is the venue for the pub quiz final. 387 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:45,201 - Really? - Definitely. 388 00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:48,705 Fowler, I'm afraid that means that Habib is off your quiz team. 389 00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,440 But she's my star striker. 390 00:19:50,464 --> 00:19:53,677 Exactly. If she turns up at our villain's boozer 391 00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:56,212 as the star of Gasforth police quiz team, 392 00:19:56,236 --> 00:19:58,838 there's just a chance he might work out she's a copper. 393 00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:05,789 Excuse me, sergeant, darling, 394 00:20:05,813 --> 00:20:08,358 - May I have a word? - It's your police station. 395 00:20:08,382 --> 00:20:10,383 You can talk to who you like, I suppose. 396 00:20:12,286 --> 00:20:13,697 Yes, well, um... 397 00:20:13,721 --> 00:20:16,767 The point is that I need another man for my quiz team. 398 00:20:16,791 --> 00:20:20,226 And when I say "man," I mean, of course, "man or person." 399 00:20:21,529 --> 00:20:23,973 Now you've got a pretty good brain, old girl, 400 00:20:23,997 --> 00:20:26,876 senile dementia not quite set in yet, I hope, hmm? 401 00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:30,980 You wouldn't be much good on pop music or fashion, 402 00:20:31,004 --> 00:20:34,551 but I would imagine you'd play a pretty straight bat 403 00:20:34,575 --> 00:20:36,286 when it came to postwar politics 404 00:20:36,310 --> 00:20:40,056 or matters pertaining to gardening and plumbing. 405 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:41,248 So how about it? 406 00:20:41,272 --> 00:20:43,393 I can't imagine why you would want another player. 407 00:20:43,417 --> 00:20:45,395 After all, you have constable Habib, 408 00:20:45,419 --> 00:20:48,231 the finest brain and the shortest skirt in the force. 409 00:20:48,255 --> 00:20:52,602 Yes, there's no doubt that Habib is an extraordinary woman. 410 00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,604 But I'm afraid she cannot compete. 411 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,840 I have other duties for her. 412 00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:59,643 What other duties, Raymond? What is going on?! 413 00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:02,879 I'm afraid I cannot tell you, and that's the end of it. 414 00:21:02,903 --> 00:21:05,849 And anyway, does our team really need her? 415 00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:08,117 She's bright, she's charismatic 416 00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:09,519 and she's a natural star, 417 00:21:09,543 --> 00:21:12,155 "but is that what we want?" I ask. 418 00:21:12,179 --> 00:21:14,791 And I answer, "no." 419 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,994 Give me a good, honest, plain, solid, 420 00:21:18,018 --> 00:21:21,365 workaday team player like dear old Pat Dawkins. 421 00:21:21,389 --> 00:21:24,000 I wouldn't join your quiz team if it was the only thing 422 00:21:24,024 --> 00:21:27,326 that stood between you and disemboweling with a blunt truncheon. 423 00:21:30,398 --> 00:21:33,276 Goody, Gladstone, in the briefing room. 424 00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:38,181 Leave the er. Uh, I mean... 425 00:21:38,205 --> 00:21:39,305 Leave it. 426 00:21:40,908 --> 00:21:42,285 All right, you men. 427 00:21:42,309 --> 00:21:43,787 I'm going to ask you a question, 428 00:21:43,811 --> 00:21:46,857 and I want you to answer to the best of your ability. 429 00:21:46,881 --> 00:21:49,225 - Do you understand? - Yes, sir. 430 00:21:49,249 --> 00:21:53,597 - Just one question, sir. - Yes, just the one question, Goody. 431 00:21:53,621 --> 00:21:56,600 No, I mean, may I ask a question about your question? 432 00:21:56,624 --> 00:21:59,035 - Yes, if you must. - Thank you, sir. 433 00:21:59,059 --> 00:22:01,027 Is that the question? 434 00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:03,874 Is what the question? 435 00:22:03,898 --> 00:22:05,241 If we understand. 436 00:22:05,265 --> 00:22:06,443 Understand what? 437 00:22:06,467 --> 00:22:08,868 That you're going to ask us a question. 438 00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:12,215 Is the question whether you understand 439 00:22:12,239 --> 00:22:14,418 the fact that I'm going to ask you a question? 440 00:22:14,442 --> 00:22:18,254 Yes, sir. You see, you said you were going to ask us a question. 441 00:22:18,278 --> 00:22:20,891 And then you asked us if we understood. 442 00:22:20,915 --> 00:22:23,393 Now I was wondering if that was the question, 443 00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:26,996 or just a sub question, and that the real question was still to come. 444 00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:30,333 Congratulations, Goody, you've just failed your trial for the quiz team. 445 00:22:30,357 --> 00:22:31,624 - Get out. - Yes, sir. 446 00:22:34,094 --> 00:22:36,473 I was captain of a pub quiz side once, sir. 447 00:22:36,497 --> 00:22:38,909 - Were you really? - Oh yes. 448 00:22:38,933 --> 00:22:42,011 I remember telling the lads before our first match, 449 00:22:42,035 --> 00:22:46,516 "memory and detail let those be our bywords. 450 00:22:46,540 --> 00:22:50,654 Memory, memory, memory, detail, detail, detail." 451 00:22:50,678 --> 00:22:53,189 Excellent advice, Gladstone. How did your team fare? 452 00:22:53,213 --> 00:22:55,348 I don't know. I forgot where the pub was, sir. 453 00:22:57,952 --> 00:23:01,197 Sir, you know the name of our team is called 454 00:23:01,221 --> 00:23:03,767 "Gasforth police station"? 455 00:23:03,791 --> 00:23:06,069 Yes, very good. 456 00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:09,573 But I fear the questions are likely to be slightly more taxing 457 00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:11,475 than what is the name of your team. 458 00:23:11,499 --> 00:23:13,877 No, I was just thinking, 459 00:23:13,901 --> 00:23:17,747 it doesn't say that the players actually have to be coppers. 460 00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:19,038 Does it, sir? 461 00:23:20,975 --> 00:23:22,786 How far will Fred have to travel 462 00:23:22,810 --> 00:23:24,721 to reach the fire extinguisher? 463 00:23:24,745 --> 00:23:27,757 Uh... 464 00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:28,859 What? 465 00:23:28,883 --> 00:23:31,417 Who cares? 466 00:23:34,254 --> 00:23:37,000 I don't think you're trying hard enough, constable. 467 00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:38,502 Did you show him plenty of leg? 468 00:23:38,526 --> 00:23:41,638 Excuse me, if this skirt were any shorter, it'd be a belt. 469 00:23:41,662 --> 00:23:45,108 Habib, this bloke is a hardened villain. 470 00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:48,912 He's not going to incriminate himself for a flash of gusset. 471 00:23:48,936 --> 00:23:50,914 You've got to go further. Offer the lot. 472 00:23:50,938 --> 00:23:53,049 - Do what? - Oh god. 473 00:23:53,073 --> 00:23:54,841 I suppose I'll have to show you. 474 00:23:55,910 --> 00:23:57,988 Constable Kray, you be the Mark. 475 00:23:58,012 --> 00:24:00,289 Now this is how to be sexy. 476 00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:02,682 Of course you've got to imagine the skirt. 477 00:24:06,587 --> 00:24:08,532 So do you want another drink, love? 478 00:24:08,556 --> 00:24:11,568 Oh I shouldn't really, I get so randy when I'm tiddly. 479 00:24:11,592 --> 00:24:14,427 All right, go on then, lover. 480 00:24:15,696 --> 00:24:18,241 Give me a big one. 481 00:24:18,265 --> 00:24:20,043 Excuse me... 482 00:24:20,067 --> 00:24:23,202 Are we trying to make him confess or throw up? 483 00:24:24,237 --> 00:24:25,649 Look, inspector Grim, 484 00:24:25,673 --> 00:24:28,484 with all due respect to your suppressed sexuality, 485 00:24:28,508 --> 00:24:30,954 I haven't got a problem giving him the come on. 486 00:24:30,978 --> 00:24:33,590 I've been beating him off with a bottle of brown ale. 487 00:24:33,614 --> 00:24:35,892 It just isn't making him blab, that's all. 488 00:24:35,916 --> 00:24:38,728 You got to make him think you like sleeping with villains, 489 00:24:38,752 --> 00:24:41,397 - That it turns you on. - No, I will not have it. 490 00:24:41,421 --> 00:24:44,000 That is blatant entrapment. It is not the job of the police 491 00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:45,902 to provoke people into breaking the law. 492 00:24:45,926 --> 00:24:48,838 You can't provoke them if they don't want to do it. 493 00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:51,675 We've come this far, she's gotta go the last mile. 494 00:24:51,699 --> 00:24:53,843 What do you think, sir? 495 00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:56,112 Soliciting a crime is an offense. 496 00:24:56,136 --> 00:24:58,114 I know, constable, I know. 497 00:24:58,138 --> 00:25:00,750 I utterly deplore this type of operation. 498 00:25:00,774 --> 00:25:04,287 But we've come this far, 499 00:25:04,311 --> 00:25:06,856 and if we can just get this business over with 500 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,949 before the pub quiz final, then you can be back on the team. 501 00:25:16,991 --> 00:25:19,402 Well, Habib, you don't look very happy. 502 00:25:19,426 --> 00:25:21,938 What's inspector Fowler asked you to do now? 503 00:25:21,962 --> 00:25:24,941 He's asking me to go a lot further than I feel comfortable with. 504 00:25:24,965 --> 00:25:27,677 Personally, I think it's a bit immoral. 505 00:25:27,701 --> 00:25:29,268 And I think he does too. 506 00:25:33,173 --> 00:25:35,619 Heavens and braces, sergeant Dawkins, 507 00:25:35,643 --> 00:25:37,353 have you run mad? 508 00:25:37,377 --> 00:25:39,122 No, I have not. 509 00:25:39,146 --> 00:25:41,180 I have come to my senses. 510 00:25:43,383 --> 00:25:46,963 You've destroyed her majesty's crest, 511 00:25:46,987 --> 00:25:50,166 the very symbol of all the values that I stand for! 512 00:25:50,190 --> 00:25:51,968 You don't stand for any values. 513 00:25:51,992 --> 00:25:54,370 I've seen what you're doing to constable Habib. 514 00:25:54,394 --> 00:25:55,839 You viper, you rat! 515 00:25:55,863 --> 00:25:57,641 Oh, I see. 516 00:25:57,665 --> 00:26:00,409 So you know about Habib, do you? 517 00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:03,680 - Yes, I do. - You were right to destroy the crest. 518 00:26:03,704 --> 00:26:05,148 I should never have gone along 519 00:26:05,172 --> 00:26:07,717 with Grim's entrapment operation in the first place, 520 00:26:07,741 --> 00:26:12,288 let alone hurry it on so Habib could rejoin my quiz team. 521 00:26:12,312 --> 00:26:13,890 Entrapment operation? 522 00:26:13,914 --> 00:26:16,793 Well, yes, but but you must've known that. 523 00:26:16,817 --> 00:26:18,862 That's why you destroyed the crest. 524 00:26:18,886 --> 00:26:21,698 Unless you placed some other interpretation 525 00:26:21,722 --> 00:26:24,134 upon my activities with constable Habib? 526 00:26:24,158 --> 00:26:27,037 No, no, no. No, I had the whole thing worked out. 527 00:26:27,061 --> 00:26:30,606 Short skirts, secret meetings entrapment operation. 528 00:26:30,630 --> 00:26:33,643 Plain as day, absolutely. Knew all along. 529 00:26:33,667 --> 00:26:36,913 I should never have agreed to Grim's appalling methods. 530 00:26:36,937 --> 00:26:40,817 If I had not, I would still have my honor, 531 00:26:40,841 --> 00:26:42,552 my crest, 532 00:26:42,576 --> 00:26:44,688 and a full quiz team. 533 00:26:44,712 --> 00:26:47,580 As it is, I have nothing. 534 00:26:48,582 --> 00:26:50,560 Dear, oh dear, Raymond. 535 00:26:50,584 --> 00:26:54,597 You don't half go on with your high and mighty, 536 00:26:54,621 --> 00:26:57,466 up your jacksy, snooty, snotty, 537 00:26:57,490 --> 00:27:00,269 dib-dib-dob, excuse me, scout's honor, 538 00:27:00,293 --> 00:27:04,307 not bleeding, croquet load of old cobblers." 539 00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:06,776 I don't suppose when Habib comes in here with our man, 540 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:08,945 you'll mind taking half the credit, will you? 541 00:27:08,969 --> 00:27:11,181 No, you'll be in there for the glory, won't you? 542 00:27:11,205 --> 00:27:14,718 On the contrary, Derek, I want no further part of this matter. 543 00:27:14,742 --> 00:27:17,921 So the full and complete credit goes to C.I.D.? 544 00:27:17,945 --> 00:27:20,023 The whole thing is mine? 545 00:27:20,047 --> 00:27:22,458 I shall hold you to that, Raymond. 546 00:27:22,482 --> 00:27:24,350 Oh yes, oh yes. 547 00:27:28,155 --> 00:27:30,766 Evening, Mr. Grim. Evening, Mr. Fowler. 548 00:27:30,790 --> 00:27:33,103 Well, well, well. 549 00:27:33,127 --> 00:27:35,028 Terry the tank. 550 00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:38,308 It seems an arrest has been made already. 551 00:27:38,332 --> 00:27:39,842 Well done, constable. 552 00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:42,912 I shall handle this, Raymond. As agreed. 553 00:27:42,936 --> 00:27:44,947 Sir, I don't think you understand. 554 00:27:44,971 --> 00:27:47,984 She hasn't arrested me. I've arrested her. 555 00:27:48,008 --> 00:27:51,721 On a citizen's arrest. Greedy little copper tart! 556 00:27:51,745 --> 00:27:53,789 Here I was trying to get me leg over, 557 00:27:53,813 --> 00:27:57,093 and all she's interested in is my pump action. 558 00:27:57,117 --> 00:27:58,728 Entrapment, that's what this is. 559 00:27:58,752 --> 00:28:01,431 I want to make a very serious complaint. 560 00:28:01,455 --> 00:28:04,100 Inspector Grim, I believe you were anxious 561 00:28:04,124 --> 00:28:06,859 to take full and complete credit for this operation. 562 00:28:08,795 --> 00:28:10,096 Now's your chance. 563 00:28:11,532 --> 00:28:13,709 I love you. 564 00:28:13,733 --> 00:28:14,944 You know that, don't you? 565 00:28:14,968 --> 00:28:17,880 I love you, I love you, I love you. 566 00:28:17,904 --> 00:28:20,383 You're all I've ever wanted. 567 00:28:20,407 --> 00:28:22,419 Holding you like this in my arms 568 00:28:22,443 --> 00:28:25,555 makes me the happiest man in the world. 569 00:28:25,579 --> 00:28:27,890 But then you know that, don't you? 570 00:28:27,914 --> 00:28:30,960 And I'll never ever let you go. 571 00:28:30,984 --> 00:28:32,185 Shut up, Raymond. 41017

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