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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,480 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:13,320 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 3 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:16,280 And welcome back to the Cornley Drama Festival. 4 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:19,120 Once again, apologies for the sign. 5 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,720 We have had a fantastic response to the festival with seven 6 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,760 people writing in to tell us they enjoyed the show, 7 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:29,600 and thousands of other people also writing in. 8 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,520 I've given the horse too many tranquilisers. 9 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:38,040 That is not my problem tonight. 10 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,240 Because first up, we are in the hands of Sandra Wilkinson. 11 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:45,040 APPLAUSE 12 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:48,800 Distinct. 13 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,320 Unique. 14 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,400 WHISPERS: Moist. 15 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,920 What do these words have in common? 16 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:03,280 They've all been used to describe my voice, so I've written 17 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:07,400 a radio play to present this evening, not as some have suggested 18 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:11,600 because I am in the running to be the new voice of Marks and Spencers, 19 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,960 although I am down to the final 80, 20 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,680 but because I would love nothing more than to share with you 21 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,400 how audio drama is made. 22 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:23,400 So, please enjoy A Talented Woman Awakens. 23 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:30,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 24 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:34,120 JAUNTY INTRO MUSIC 25 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,880 Well, that roast beef was absolutely delicious, Dad. 26 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,480 It certainly was, Deborah. 27 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:49,760 I adored those Yorkshire puddings almost as much as the crisp 28 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:55,960 golden potatoes and creamy yet fiery horseradish sauce, 2.99. 29 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,680 I'll clear the dishes. 30 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,040 CUTLERY RATTLES 31 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,560 Deborah, I meant to tell you, 32 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,720 I'll be hosting the talent show at the village fete this year. 33 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:10,640 Well, you should enter that, darling, you're ever so talented. 34 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:13,560 I couldn't do that, Mum. 35 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,040 Of course you could, sweetheart. 36 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,680 There's more to you than your sensational looks. 37 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,200 You also have a fantastic speaking voice, 38 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,440 and you own your own Pitchtone B+ podcasting microphone. 39 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,520 Let me pour you a cup of tea, Dad. 40 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,960 Sugar? Two, please. 41 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,520 Milk? Just a spot. 42 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,960 COW MOOS 43 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,600 Maybe you're right, maybe I should enter the talent competition. 44 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,200 I just wish I... 45 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,200 MAN COUGHS 46 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,240 ..had more confidence. 47 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,080 You are so dreadfully humble. 48 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,320 And you're ever so talented. 49 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,320 Now, come on, Dad, it's well past... 50 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,680 ..your bedtime. Onto the stairlift. 51 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,840 MICROWAVE HUMS 52 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,120 PING! 53 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:34,640 Now, let's get you tucked in. 54 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,800 Goodnight, Dad. I'll shut the door. 55 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,880 CREAK 56 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,440 BANG! 57 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,760 See you in the morning. 58 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:57,760 SHE PLAYS "MORNING" FROM PEER GYNT 59 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,760 BIRDS TWITTER 60 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,880 Cockadoodle-do! 61 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,400 Good morning, Mum. 62 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:10,800 Morning, darling. You're ever so talented. 63 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:15,040 FIRES THREE SHOTS 64 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,640 Come in. 65 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,640 Buenos dias, senorita. 66 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,840 Miguel, how are you, my dear? 67 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:26,480 I am sad because I know I will never be enough for you. 68 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,200 Oh, Miguel, our relationship is too passionate. 69 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,680 SLURPING 70 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,840 I have seen there is to be a talent show at the village fete. 71 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,960 Soon I will lose you to celebrity. 72 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,360 My talent is too... 73 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,920 SPRAYING 74 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,320 My talent is too wild to be... 75 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,040 SPRAYING 76 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,360 Huh! 77 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:09,000 My talent is too wild to be caged. I must perform. 78 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,000 LACKLUSTRE CHEER 79 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:16,200 Come, mount this stallion with me. We shall ride to the village fete. 80 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:17,440 Wake up. 81 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,080 HORSE NEIGHS GENTLY 82 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,360 PILLS RATTLE 83 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:28,480 Clippity-clop, clippity-clop! Neigh! 84 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,160 Neigh! 85 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,920 Here we are at the village fete. 86 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,760 We have arrived in time for the hoedown. 87 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:41,440 HOEDOWN MUSIC 88 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:51,360 I do hope everyone is enjoying the Barnesbury village fete so far. 89 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,560 SPEAKS GIBBERISH 90 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,800 Yeah, just brilliant. 91 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,200 And huge congratulations to Benny Webber who correctly spelt 92 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:06,840 the word incompetent to win this year's spelling bee. 93 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:12,360 I-N-C-O-M-M-P- 94 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:16,880 -E-T-E-N-T- 95 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:25,240 -E-N-T-E-N-T...E. 96 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,840 Incommpentententente. 97 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,640 And next up in the talent show, 98 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,800 we have Peter Bodkin with his one-man clog dance. 99 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:43,200 FOOTSTEPS 100 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,840 BANGING 101 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:50,600 FAST RHYTHMIC CLATTERING 102 00:06:57,280 --> 00:07:01,640 APPLAUSE 103 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,560 A round of applause for Peter. 104 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,160 BANGING AND RATTLING 105 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:15,120 Next up will be my very own daughter, who will be 106 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:20,160 reciting the entirety of Alfred Lord Tennyson's The Lady of Shallot. 107 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,120 Are you ready to perform, my darling? 108 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,840 I'm a little bit nervous. 109 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,320 Don't be nervous. 110 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:33,120 Look at the beautiful sunshine and listen to the birds singing. 111 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,240 GUNSHOT 112 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,880 Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, 113 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:43,520 showcasing her extraordinary vocal range, Deborah Davies. 114 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,160 SHE GASPS 115 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,040 SHE SPLUTTERS 116 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,480 SHE COUGHS 117 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:01,720 Aaaargh! 118 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,600 SHE GASPS 119 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,920 Fantastic. 120 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,480 And the scores are in. And the winner is... 121 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,680 ..Deborah Davies. A round of applause, please. 122 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,840 COW MOOS 123 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,760 GUNSHOT 124 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,480 HORN TOOTS 125 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,680 There is a storm brewing! 126 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,120 Thank you for coming. 127 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,400 And now a word of congratulations from our mayor. 128 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:56,800 SILENCE 129 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,240 I think this is the beginning of an extraordinary career. 130 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,920 Advertising executives and voice-over agents 131 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,520 will be calling you every day. 132 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,000 On 07700 900 381. 133 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:19,080 HOARSE AND HIGH-PITCHED: 134 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:19,080 My talent has been awakened. 135 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:34,960 SHE SOBS 136 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:39,360 APPLAUSE 137 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:42,800 Next up is my... 138 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:49,400 Next up is my play. I wrote it myself. 139 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:53,080 I would like to thank Trevor for providing the special effects. 140 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,960 My play is called... 141 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:59,040 ..Toothpaste, 1.99. 142 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,760 Sorry, that's a receipt. 143 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,560 My play is called... 144 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,920 ..Toothpaste, 1.69. 145 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,840 Enjoy. 146 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,680 APPLAUSE 147 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,400 Hello, how much is this toothpaste? 148 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,840 1.69. 149 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:34,640 APPLAUSE 150 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:43,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 151 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,520 Well, I think we can all agree 152 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,200 there are still some cuts to be found in that play. 153 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,520 Next up, we have Annie Twilloil. 154 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:02,320 Now, people often say we take things too seriously at the Cornley 155 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,800 Drama Society but that wasn't always the case. 156 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:11,000 The original troupe performed a comedy as recently as 1979. 157 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,400 So, we thought it would be nice to step outside our comfort zone 158 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:21,000 and revisit that laugh out loud romp tonight. 159 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:25,320 This farce has been classified as Grade C Bawdy 160 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:30,000 so some of the more graphic jokes have had to be censored 161 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:34,880 to comply with broadcasting decency guidelines. 162 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:39,280 So, please enjoy the classic '70s farce entitled 163 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:43,880 An Upstanding Member in a Tight Spot in the Back Office. 164 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:50,440 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 165 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,000 Good morning, Mr Carmichael. 166 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,920 Good morning, Miss Pennyforth. 167 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,440 WIND HOWLS 168 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:04,080 Ooh, frightfully windy day today, isn't it? Brrrrr! 169 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,120 Miss Pennyforth, have you got a date tonight? 170 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,480 Oh, yes, sir, a whole bag full. 171 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,320 COMEDY TRUMPET 172 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:17,440 What is she like! Now, tell me, what appointments do I have today? 173 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,960 Well, at 11 o'clock, we'll be having a bit of how's your father? 174 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,680 Oh. 175 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:26,280 And at 11:05, you've got a meeting with the Archbishop of Canterbury. 176 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,840 So, we've only got five minutes together? 177 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,200 Yes, I thought that would give me 178 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,160 four minutes to catch up on paperwork. 179 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,640 RIM SHOT 180 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,320 What is she like! 181 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,920 Don't forget, the Archbishop is terrified of bees. 182 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,240 So I best remove these. 183 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,720 Good thinking, Miss Pennyforth. 184 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,200 And the Prince of Wales is coming around at 11:20 185 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,440 to present you with your OBE. 186 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,800 COMEDY XYLOPHONE 187 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,520 The Prince of Wales? 188 00:12:54,520 --> 00:13:00,920 We best cancel my meeting with Norman Norde, the nudist Lord. 189 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,680 Yes, Mr Carmichael. 190 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:07,400 Dr Rod Problem dropped round these little blue pills? 191 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,760 Sorry. 192 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,160 Little blue pills. 193 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:22,160 Those are for my downstairs problem. 194 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,240 The leak in the basement? 195 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,040 COMEDY MUSIC 196 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,840 I'll leave them in this drinks cabinet next 197 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,120 to your anti-anxiety medication. 198 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:37,320 Careful, these bottles look just alike. 199 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,160 I better go and put on a tie. 200 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,160 Let me help you with that. 201 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,480 Thank you, Miss Pennyforth. 202 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,680 BLEEP! Ooh! 203 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:57,080 Righty-oh, then. Time to clean these windows. 204 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,920 Oh, these blooming bees. 205 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,280 BEES BUZZ 206 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:07,760 I-N-C-O-M-P-E-T-E-N-T, incompetent. 207 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,640 What are you doing? 208 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,360 I'm the spelling bees. 209 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,640 Hey, hey, hey, you stop buzzing in my face! Out of it! Out of it! 210 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,280 You, pack it in! 211 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:25,040 Blooming 'eck! Someone has left the window open. 212 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,040 Now there's soap suds all over the back office. 213 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:32,960 I best get in there and clean it up before someone slips over. 214 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,240 What a palaver! 215 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,840 COMEDY MUSIC 216 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:42,440 QUIETLY: Right, I think that's us done. 217 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:51,320 Oh, Mrs Carmichael, Leader of the Opposition and my wife. 218 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:55,840 Hope you don't mind, I've popped in your back corridor. Passage. 219 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,880 I've popped in your back passage. 220 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,200 RIM SHOT 221 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,200 You're early. 222 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:04,240 Makes a change, it's usually you who gets here early. Comes. 223 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,840 RIM SHOT 224 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,520 Would you like a drink? 225 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,160 Oh, yes, you know I love a strong one. 226 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,720 A stiff one. 227 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,320 RIM SHOT 228 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,160 KNOCK AT DOOR 229 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,200 Oooooh! 230 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,800 RIM SHOT 231 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:25,760 Why are there soap suds all over this floor? 232 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,680 My coat is soaked through. 233 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:32,600 Oh, dear, I don't think things could get any worse. 234 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,280 My mother is coming to stay for the weekend. 235 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,160 Looks like I spoke too soon. 236 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,720 RIM SHOT 237 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,520 I brought you these flowers for you to give to her. 238 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:42,760 HORSE NEIGHS 239 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,280 God, she's awake. Where are the tranquilisers? 240 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:46,560 HORSE NEIGHS 241 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:51,400 Well, I best get back to the Commons. Goodbye, darling. 242 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,480 It's 11 o'clock. 243 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,600 Time for us BLEEP. 244 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,800 I've forgotten my bag. 245 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,520 Quickly, Miss Pennyforth, hide in the wardrobe. 246 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,520 BLEEP. 247 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,840 BLEEP. BLEEP. 248 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,440 BLEEP. BLEEP. 249 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:16,680 Oh, Mr Carmichael. Oh! Oh! Oooh! Ooh! 250 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,880 I've forgotten my bag. 251 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:24,960 Oh. 252 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,840 SHE GIGGLES 253 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,240 I don't think things could get any worse. 254 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,480 HORSE NEIGHS 255 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,480 Everybody, stand back! 256 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,960 HORSE NEIGHS 257 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,760 Oh, crikey, I just bought these shoes from the cobblers. 258 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,800 And they don't half squeak. 259 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,680 SHOES SQUEAK 260 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,000 Get mopping, the Prince of Wales is coming to give me my O... 261 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,200 SHOES SQUEAK 262 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,200 ..OBE. And we can't have 263 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,200 soap suds all over the place. 264 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:08,200 COMEDY MUSIC 265 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,200 You've smashed the window! 266 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,280 Oh, it's let in a gale. 267 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,640 WIND HOWLS 268 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,280 Hey! 269 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,160 It's blown off our trousers. 270 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:09,920 KNOCK AT DOOR 271 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,720 The Archbishop! Quick, hide in the wardrobe! 272 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,760 SHOES SQUEAK 273 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,200 SHOES SQUEAK 274 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:24,240 Morning, Carmichael. Cor blimey, why aren't you wearing trousers, Carmichael? 275 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:28,600 Er... Pink polka dots are all the rage, Archbishop. 276 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,360 I'm pleased to hear it. Wow! 277 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,880 Now, Carmichael, I have to tell you about something that 278 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,640 happened to me on the way here. 279 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,800 I came out of my front door and there were two BLEEP standing there, 280 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:45,320 BLEEP with BLEEP... right up the cloisters. 281 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,680 Now, Carmichael, I'm here to talk to you about not building that 282 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,440 atheist car park over Canterbury Cathedral. 283 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,840 But what's this? 284 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,640 A contract from Car Parks Limited about building an atheist car 285 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,440 park over Canterbury Cathedral? 286 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,800 This is a disgrace, Carmichael. 287 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,520 I'm telephoning the Vatican and when they get hold of you, 288 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:10,160 you'll be sorrier than I was when I saw the Pope BLEEP. 289 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,040 I said... BLEEP... 290 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,760 ..raw buttocks. 291 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,800 Oh, Mr Carmichael, I'm starting to panic. 292 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,520 I don't like being in tight spaces. 293 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,360 Nor do I. 294 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,360 RIM SHOT 295 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:34,080 Here, take one of my anti-anxiety pills. 296 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,880 SLOW SAXOPHONE MUSIC 297 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,720 Mr Carmichael! 298 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,480 Quick! 299 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:46,760 BOTH: Ooooh! 300 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,480 I've forgotten my hat. 301 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,480 Here you go, darling. 302 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,440 Carmichael! 303 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,880 Oh, dear, we forgot to cancel my meeting with Norman Norde, 304 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,280 the nudist Lord. 305 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,560 BLEEP. 306 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,720 What's going on, Carmichael? 307 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,640 Oooh-oooh-ooh! 308 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,280 BLEEP... 309 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,600 What was all that about, Carmichael? 310 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,000 Don't go near the window. 311 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,720 WIND HOWLS 312 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,400 Hey! 313 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,200 Hey! 314 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,440 Hey, wha....! 315 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:30,880 Whaaaaargh! Ooh! 316 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,800 Oh, it's blown off my trousers! 317 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,480 Oh! Ooh! 318 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,040 How embarrassing! 319 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,640 Oh! 320 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,720 How embarrassing. 321 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,480 Sorry about that, Archbishop. 322 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,560 Please accept these flowers with my apologies. 323 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,440 Thank you, Carmichael. 324 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,440 BUZZING 325 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:51,960 But what's that noise? 326 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,200 Oh, no! 327 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,040 Incompetent! 328 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:02,280 Bee! Bee! Bee! 329 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:07,200 Bees! Bees! 330 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,040 I'm being chased by a bee. 331 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,360 CLATTERING AND BANGING 332 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,520 HORSE NEIGHS 333 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,440 Here! Take one of my anti-anxiety pills. 334 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,040 Thank you, Carmichael. Could you give me a pill? 335 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,880 One. Could you give me one? 336 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,200 RIM SHOT 337 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,720 SLOW SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS 338 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,640 Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! 339 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,000 Oooh! Oooh! 340 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,640 Oh, for the horse! 341 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,640 I'm here, Carmichael. 342 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,200 A French maid? A window cleaner? 343 00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,240 The Archbishop of Canterbury? And the Leader of the Opposition? 344 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,280 All at it in the Chief Whip's office? 345 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:07,200 After seeing this, I can't possibly give you your OBE. 346 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,880 I'll have to give you a knighthood! 347 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:14,680 COMEDY VERSION OF RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS 348 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,600 HE LAUGHS FEEBLY 349 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,880 Heh-heh-heh! 350 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,880 MUSIC ENDS 351 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,120 Heh-heh-heh! 352 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:24,560 Heh-heh-heh! 353 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,160 HE LAUGHS FEEBLY 354 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:30,920 Thank you. 355 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,360 That was a farce. 356 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:40,000 Now, as you can see, we do appear to be down a few members of the cast. 357 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:46,520 Trevor and I will be taking them to A&E now. But do not fear... 358 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:51,640 But do not fear, the festival will continue with Jonathan's piece. 359 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,520 It's a musical ensemble number, which-which-which... 360 00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:01,520 ..which would have included the whole cast. 361 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:05,360 And it's about a circus. Enjoy. 362 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,920 APPLAUSE 363 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,320 MUSIC BEGINS 364 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:17,560 Roll-up, roll-up, come and enjoy the show! 365 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:22,800 Jimmy, Missy, Tony, Matty, 366 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,280 Ricky, Jenny! OK! 367 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,040 Come on, guys, let's have a song. 368 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,280 I'll play the keys, you sing along. 369 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,120 Piano? 370 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:37,760 No? 371 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,520 OK! 372 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:44,840 # Prepare to see wonders, thrills and delights 373 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,520 # Magic and marvels, incredible sights 374 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,840 # I'm Jimmy the juggler 375 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,680 # I'm Missy the mime 376 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:55,280 # I'm Tony on the unicycle riding the line 377 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,800 # I'm Magical Matty with magic, of course 378 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,360 # And Rodeo Ricky, here with my horse 379 00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:06,080 # I'm Jenny the gymnast I'll throw you to bits 380 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:09,680 # When you watch me doing the splits... # Oh! 381 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,480 Oh, my God. Amazing. 382 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,520 What a talent. 383 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,840 # ..We are the ensemble 384 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:23,120 # We work as a team 385 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:27,440 # We are the ensemble 386 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,400 # Together, a circus supreme... # 387 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,200 Take it, Jimmy, with your amazing juggling! 388 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,720 # ..What goes up must come down 389 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:48,880 # When you're Jimmy the juggler turn it around... # 390 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,680 Wow, that's amazing. Incredible. 391 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:55,600 # ..Throwing and catching is my thing 392 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,840 # But when I'm not juggling, I like to sing... # Aargh! 393 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,640 Now, go, Missy, with your mime. 394 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,280 Hell, yeah! 395 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:33,240 Now, Tony, show us your skills on the unicycle. 396 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,240 # ..You gotta know the motion 397 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,160 # Yeah, you gotta have a feel 398 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,760 # When you try to ride a cycle that's only one wheel 399 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,160 # My clothes are made of leather but my heart is made of steel 400 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,280 # I used to have a bicycle but things got real... # 401 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,840 Oh, God! 402 00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:00,000 # ..We are the ensemble 403 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,240 # We work as a team 404 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,040 # We are the ensemble 405 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,800 # Together, a circus supreme... # 406 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,280 Now, Matty, marvel us with your magic. 407 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,480 APPLAUSE 408 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:54,360 # ..We are the ensemble 409 00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,920 # We work as a team 410 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,680 # We are the ensemble 411 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,280 # Together, a circus supreme 412 00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:12,960 # Together, a circus supreeeeeeme! # 413 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:17,040 LAUGHTER 414 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,320 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 43095

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