All language subtitles for Ricky.Gervais.Out.of.England.2.The.Stand-Up.Special.720p.HDTV.x264-SYS

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the

strain reducer

when a free gold words two Primetime

Emmys and seven matters Oh

thank you hello Chicago

thank you so much thank you so much

thank you I am thank you thank you it's

amazing welcome I should explain

something straight away usually when I

come out on stage it's amazing okay I'm

doing cartwheels and backflips

it's [ __ ] spectacular right but I've

hurt my back that's true actually I've

pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf

I know you're thinking serves me right

for playing such a stupid game as golf

but I'm not I've been in agony I'm

actually on painkillers right now so no

it's true if I suddenly start talking

like Paula Abdul you're know why I'm not

drunk

so when the doctor this is true whether

the doctor game with the painkillers he

said now you can't drink alcohol with

these and I went I bet one of them well

I said give me some you can't drink

alcohol with all right anyway

well you're not going to drink with any

painkillers are you my [ __ ] mother

just so I've been walking around like

the Elephant Man for days but without

the big [ __ ] obviously huh I assumed he

had a big elephants [ __ ] to max the head

though that would make things alright

then wouldn't it that would sort of

balance it out no because then he'd look

in the mirror and he'd go no I'll look

at that [ __ ] head I don't know what's

going on down here

swings and roundabouts let's let's

celebrate the buns are on me um so yeah

that's my problems I didn't cancel

though I didn't hate that when an artist

cancelled your Turkish concert canceled

due to sore throat ah I couldn't go on I

was depressed oh poor little artist oh

can you imagine the labourer trying that

today I'll go I've got a little ticker

when I'm fed up ah

move the [ __ ] bricks mate never

cancel I had a gig in Dublin a couple of

months ago okay and as you know Dublin

is in Ireland which is offer yeah it's

off the coast of Great Britain it's not

part of Britain but it's it's very close

it's sort of like our Cuba I suppose is

that

and um and so okay so Dublin

Oh to arena 10,000 seats sold out when

advanced flights but really looking

forward to it a few days before the gig

they start grounding the airplanes

because there's a volcanic ash cloud

over Britain okay and if you fly through

it apparently it make the plane fall out

of the sky and there's like that was it

you couldn't fly in that I mean a

volcano goes off in Iceland and we can't

but what's the point of Iceland really

and I just fill in all the volcanoes

with concrete okay just

in fact tarmac the whole country and

make it a carpark for real Europe

because it's a waste of [ __ ] space

okay and so I'm thinking well I've got

to get there I can't cancel and um there

were sort of pop stars and people coming

over America and they were canceling

their flight because they couldn't get

in and out I thought I can't so I hired

a helicopter to and from Dublin it cost

me twelve thousand pounds right just cuz

I couldn't bear to let anyone down or

take the ferry that was they were still

running sure um but that would have

meant mixing with the general public and

I don't

this is about as close I haven't so um I

don't know if you're affected by the

volcanic ash cloud but I had friends

that were stuck all over the world and

they missed weddings and funerals and

back to put themselves up in a hotel for

extra days over hadn't budgeted for and

they couldn't get their money back

because the airlines were saying no we

can't pay you because the insurance

companies won't pay us because they're

saying it's an act of God well what

isn't an act of God well if you believe

in God that's sort of a definition of

him isn't it but he does everything

isn't that right everything is an acts

of him is all powerful is everywhere at

why he invented every that was nothing

before him he invented time everything

he's across it all okay he doesn't miss

a trick and he's not absent-minded a

volcano going off isn't like you going

[ __ ] I left the oven on you know it's I

know are these insurance companies that

can decide what is and isn't an act of

God how do they know okay I've got a

hotline to God

they call him up do they ring-ring

ring-ring

Yello could I speak to God please

speaking oh I didn't think you'd answer

the phone you Sam

what do you want um that volcanic ash

cloud was that you yeah yes that was an

act of me alright so I shouldn't pay out

no don't [ __ ] play him a penny son no

brilliant brilliant

while I've got you here did you make a

tree fall on Steve Baxter's car as a lot

of Steve Baxter's Steve Baxter to acacia

a road Hounslow

it happened at 2:15 on the 3rd of June

this year 2:15 3rd no that wasn't me I

was in Africa that day giving aids to

babies

he does everything he does everything

loon I don't make the rules

ma well I'm glad I didn't count all

because it's fantastic to be a senior

happy smiley face is probably feeling

very fortunate that you managed to get a

ticket to see a living legend or am i I

know I know

you lucky [ __ ] you really I'm joking

of course the pleasure is all mine thank

you so much for coming out spending your

hard-earned cash I know there's been a

recession on someone told me I hadn't

really it's still got I don't it really

didn't affect me if I'm being honest we

can laugh about it now no come on I

don't understand the recession it was

until last year I found out you could go

into your bank and say can I withdraw my

cash and they could go no what no Nick

got it I've got 50,000 pounds saved um

where is it lost it

well have you checked the vault it's

empty what was the point of that you

might as well kept it in a drawer spot a

little [ __ ]

I hope you enjoy the show oh yeah let me

know won't you if I say something funny

you're laughs and I got all I'll kick

that in for the rest of the tour if I

said it isn't funny you won't laugh and

I go I'll lose that bit so some bits

tonight it will be exclusive to you they

they they will be the [ __ ] bits granted

okay let's start the show

let's get on with it no one wants to be

here all night um you can have too much

of a good thing

ganya like like heroin what although too

much heroin is death basically that's

when you know you have too much you know

[ __ ] about you I'm dead [ __ ] that's

the thing though with heroin you know

try anything once kids sure but know

this right no no you think I'll try I'll

try it Harry I'll just try one gimme

gimme a heroin give me one heroin okay

just just have one or what's it like

always [ __ ] lovely I want more I

can't just tap it's like Pringles it's

like what once you pop you can't stop

that's I think that's how it works I'm

not an expert and believe it or not I've

never been a heroin addict no round of

applause for that see no see

no run reports but never having been a

heroin addict if either come out don't

go yeah I used to be a hair another I

used to mug people and [ __ ] myself in

doorways right

yeah he hasn't done those things for a

while yes he has been those things that

we never did in the first place why are

you applauding someone for suddenly

acting like a normal member of society

it's good it's like I've lost a bit of

weight I've lost about 20 pounds exactly

you're basically applauding me for only

eating as much as I need now I said I

should have always been doing that I got

fat because I was a greedy lazy bastard

there's no other explanation Anu I look

terrible they're basically saying I look

terrible then no don't no one told me at

the time it was really taboo I needed

waiters to come over and go [ __ ] off

you've had enough right and I've been

criticized in the past for having a go

at fire people I've never had a go at

fat people I've only ever pointed out

the fact that you get fat if you take in

more calories than you burn off that

simple science I don't judge them in any

other aspect of their life but that's

what happens you get fat if you take in

more calories than you burn off okay and

that that's indisputable okay now the

thing is people think I'm having a go

I'm not because I don't judge them if I

see a fat person I don't make

assumptions about other than how they

got fat and this is the other thing they

not know wait wait but not only is that

what makes you fat people know that's

what's making her fat no one got fat

behind their own back

no one and that what the [ __ ] that

okay it's not a surprise it's a gradual

process you have loads of time to back

out from this project and he also no

one's sneaking into thin people's

apartments and injecting their lettuce

with a million calories that doesn't

happen okay they know what's - if you

got to bloat when he's surrounded by

cakes and pies right and you go you know

what's making you fat don't ya

he doesn't go who's all the running he

knows what it but I don't make judgments

okay other than how they got fat okay if

I see a fat person I don't go oh he's

fat therefore he's jolly right a lot of

my miserable aren't they if if I see a

fat girl I don't go oh she'd be pretty

if she lost weight that's rarely the

case okay so don't fall for that okay

a lot of them started eating because

they had fuck-all to lose so no but

there's no stigma attached because that

people don't even want to use the word

fat now because I think it's derogatory

it's a real taboo subject so they use

euphemisms they go oh you know Brenda

the big girl what seven foot no no

what'd she look like Brenda you know

she's the one who's clammy even in

winter

just say she's fat nothing wrong with it

it's their choice is up to you if you

wanna be fat it's fine but they don't

they go you know Brenda them she's out

of breath just standing up at her desk

just but even though it is their own

fault and it is their own fault I feel

sorry for them right now I do

particularly particularly fat women

because fat is a feminist issue men get

fat and we just go [ __ ] it all bought

and paid for

you know we don't come under the same

constraints of society or as women are

inundated with images of how you should

be size zero models this diet that diet

look like this keep your man and then

make such an effort don't like fat girls

therefore it's got lovely hair although

there was up in the hair lovely hair

always got lovely hair oh it's got this

lovely false nails

they make an effort anything but jogging

right

they love high heels don't they they

think it makes their legs look less it

doesn't it just even just hear him

coming now I don't want any fat people

to feel uncomfortable one of my gigs so

next time buy two seats I'm John joking

I'm best I'm Joe chard ah I'm not having

a go I'm just pointing out you know I

was listening to the radio in England a

few weeks back radio for quite highbrow

there was discussion about political

correctness my name came up straight

away right and there was a swarming on

there going oh yeah well it's it's not

right I'm a Ricky Gervais is um he makes

jokes about fat people he wouldn't make

jokes about gay people woody and being

fat is like being gay what no it's not

what you can't choose your sexuality as

we've established you choose whether to

eat too much or not you know yeah with

with your sexuality you're born you grow

up you discover you like same-sex

relationships and that's it you're gay

okay but being gay to me the same as

being fat you'd have to be born be

straight grow up knowing you're straight

but gradually and

wean yourself onto [ __ ]

Oh happy 16th birthday son

this is Rowell suck his [ __ ] sorry

father

suck his [ __ ] 16 now suck his [ __ ] I I'm

heterosexual Oh with his newfangled

words suck his [ __ ] come on

I don't like [ __ ] father doesn't like

[ __ ] how do you know if you've never

tried it

ah suck his [ __ ] I don't suck a one [ __ ]

so that's not sucking it that's playing

with you put it in your mouth oh how

that goal you might like it

oh it's not so bad is it oh I [ __ ]

love these if that happened then being

gay would be the same as being fat but

it doesn't so it's not okay I was on a

plane last year okay going from New York

to LA okay and me and my girlfriend were

one side of the plane that was the aisle

and the other side there were these two

huge fat women okay proper proper proper

fat one of them just got on and went can

I have about extension yeah cool she can

you've earned it right so proper in fact

I was thinking of calling the pilot

outgoing should one of us swap with one

of them otherwise we just go into Canada

do you not I mean

and one of them was even fatter than the

other one okay and she was there and she

got on the plane with one of those

takeaway buckets of fast food bucket I

mean there's your first clue when did

that happen

when did fat people just give up when

did they go into a shop and go I'll [ __ ]

it just treat me like a farmyard animal

really give me in a bucket in fact just

strap it to my [ __ ] head and I'll

just a bucket really you want your meal

in a bucket yes but so she's there and

she's chowing down right and I swear she

turns to her fat friend and says this is

the best fried chicken I've had all day

[Applause]

but I'm not having a go I'm not having a

go no I'm not no I'm not because even

though it is their own fault and it is

their own fault I don't know if you know

this about fat people um they [ __ ]

love cake they love it

all right and I blame the food

industries because you're going to

supermarket and it's just packed with

that stuff everything's packed with

hydrogenated fats and extra kind of

isn't sugar and butter and everything

and they love that okay and there's

always a big doors now to a supermarket

it's also they've got quadruple door

isn't it no one's ever been too fat to

get through the door of a supermarket

okay and it opens automatically so that

after waste calories pushing anything

there's just and it's a good job at ohms

automatics using its glass and they can

see the pie from down the road knowing

like that grazing right so I say keep

the big door keep the big door

sure keep the big door come on fat

people coming to go but when they get in

there it's all fresh fruit and veg it's

all whole-grain it's all stuff that's

good fear okay of course they'll be

confused at first I don't that's not

real food to them they think Brussels

sprouts is packaging all right there

they look at where's the cakes where's

the cakes the cakes are over here but

the cakes are through a different door

but this door is human-sized okay so now

they go as the cakes they're good oh

[ __ ] another carrot of back and forth

for days and the fats full of them so

they can slip through the door and have

a cake they can't go out again no but I

mean but we've got to do something we've

got Oh intervene and people say no it's

not to do with you it's up to them it's

their body it's their life and that's

true but we don't say that about wearing

crush owl mitts or if you've got a

heroin addict from the family you don't

go oh it's his life you loves arrowing

you know you go you go no you've got to

stop this you could please don't die and

you get any news throw him in a cupboard

for three weeks or something you can't

throw a fat person in the cupboard of

you're backing like me but you know

heroin addicts I don't weigh anything

you can throw them around willy-nilly

right in fact when they're lying there

with a needle just get the needle one

flick and they just go into the cupboard

like that okay

fat people you've gotta lure them in a

little try the chocolates and they just

follow that anywhere like that but we've

got to do something because a third of

the world or obese and a third of the

world are starving the fat ones are

eating the skinny ones food basically

I know most the skinny ones are in

Africa so out of sight out of mind I

know but no no I can talk about Africa

like that because I'm from Britain and

we used to own it we did when we had the

Empire and we ruled the world before you

took over we used to we are owned Africa

but then in the 50s or 60s Africa wanted

to be South ruled they wanted

independence and I said look we'd like

to run ourselves we went fine so

gradually we started giving Africa back

to the Africans and by the seven is it

was totally run by the you know Africans

themselves and of course in the eighties

we get a phone call hello hello who's

that Africa what do you want we're

starving

you should have thought of that before

you wanted independence while we didn't

know there'd be a drought did we drought

I'll give you a drought this is true

when I was a kid I was about ten we had

a really long hot summer okay and there

was a hosepipe ban you couldn't water

your flowers we've all suffered

[Applause]

so that's true actually one long hot

summer and the water ran out and we

didn't know what to do we thought what

could we do and there was people coming

around your house trying to tell you how

to conserve what I was saying things

like when you brush your teeth don't let

the tap just run you know put a little

glass there and they came and they were

putting house bricks in the system that

the toilet to save water and there was

Public Information films on that on the

television there was one advert that was

like it was like an animation and it was

like a couple in the bath and it said

conserve water take a bath with a friend

which I did I say a friend he was more a

friend of a granddad's

but 10 pounds is a lot to a kid in

England

he taught me a lot he taught me a lot

and stuff like you don't wash it like

that give it here

now it was a sweet old man I used to

call him granddad Charlie he wasn't my

real granddad he was just no bloke that

lived across the road he used to come

around whenever he saw my parents go out

right and he'd come round mom and dad oh

yeah Oh was he a magic trick yeah he

draw the curtains right and um it might

be close my eyes okay and he'd sit down

he put a top hat on his lap like that

right a magic hat right and he go closer

I just it doesn't feel the magic rabbit

and I still got multiple I used to go in

I used to feel the little that weird

little finger was didn't have any fur or

is right and it used to go and it was

scared stiff it was it was terrible

right and he made a stroke it fur and I

stroked it so fast once that it was sick

all down my

we cha da da da oh dear Oh where was I

oh yes farming farming is a problem

which brings me to this next fad that we

need to stamp out this happened

Christmas before last exchanging gifts

with old friends good friends quite

well-off friends from being honest and I

got them a coffee making machine from

Harrods top of the range they loved it

they gave me my present it was just an

envelope I thought oh what's this

vouchers open up it wasn't vouchers it

was just a card with a picture of a goat

on it

and I said what's this they went oh our

gift to you is we gave a goat or an

African family what

I'm looking at the coffee machine think

is it too late to take that back is it -

what is oh um we gave a goat to an

African family did you oh so I've got

fuck-all then basically I mean I don't

even know this African family why would

I give him a go it doesn't matter this

serves no purpose at all no but this is

no good for anyone they're 50 quid down

I've got nothing the African farm is

going not another mouth to feed

alright the goat is going where the [ __ ]

am I is what this is [ __ ]

a week I was gambling around the

Cotswolds there was there was grass and

tourists with nuts and this is a [ __ ]

Dust Bowl there's no way that goat

wanted to go to Africa it was basically

no was kidnapped

it was abducted it was put in a sack and

bounded on a boat to Africa like roots

in Reverse there is no there is no way

they went you want a little Africa it

went definitely not no no oh come on why

didn't you live in Africa luhan's

come on why didn't you wanna go to

Africa well that shouldn't affect you it

shouldn't so just be careful with that

charity [ __ ] particularly at Christmas

that's when they get ya they give you a

guilt trip at Christmas all the adverts

have a chariot Christmas just sitting at

home aren't ya

I mean your Christmas lunch loads of

food too much food probably gonna throw

a lot of it away right and things like

this come on the telly this runs every

Christmas Day in England it goes is

there an old lady near you cold and

lonely this Christmas yeah a [ __ ]

hiya nosy [ __ ] winds me up all year

round okay I can't wait for the cold

weather there's no old lady near me she

died last year of hypothermia so result

yeah brilliant

um the other big one is a doggies for

life not just for Christmas right behind

that I'm really into animal welfare and

that's obviously aimed at parents whose

kids go can I have a puppy can I have a

puppy and I don't know can have a puppy

can avatar and they get them a puppy to

shut them up right and the kid likes it

when it's cute it grows up the kid gets

other interest gets ball with the dogs

they lumber the parents with it the

parents get bored with it they abandon

it 11,000 pets were abandoned in England

last year which is terrible and I think

you know kids should have pets I think

it teaches them life lessons I haven't

got kids of my own but I've got loads of

niece and nephews and they've got kids

their own now and I want to be a cool

uncle and give them what they want but I

want to be a responsible one too and not

add to the stray problem but I think

I've solved the dilemma is it it this is

what I do anyway you gotta wait till

Christmas Eve and always go to an animal

rescue centre not a breeder and I'd go

along to an animal rescue centre

Christmas Eve and I go to the veterinary

part and they've usually got like a run

who's been born sort of disabled with no

quality of life and they're just putting

that out of its misery but I donno don't

kill that one I'll take that one and

they go it's only gonna live a day

perfect perfect so so and I run over

don't die yet don't die yet a little bit

of Starbucks a little bit of Starbucks

and I rushing I call my niece she comes

running Uncle Ricky got your puppy a

puppy yeah your best uncle got your

puppy yeah go on climb it quick go and

play with it and she tanks it to bed

with her Christmas Eve when she sleeps

that she wakes up Christmas days dead

cold stiff guard so result not a problem

and I always come down the next day okay

oh my puppies dude my puppy's dead I got

oh what the puppy your uncle got you

redo this bit and whatever happened

after that isn't this problem oh yeah

and I go oh maybe you rolled over on in

the night

and they start I killed my puppy my

puppy I go no you didn't kill your puppy

Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday

cuz you didn't spend enough on your

uncle's Christmas present they usually

but they're ideas up the next year the

other big campaign at Christmas don't

drink and drive right behind that as

well

a lot more stigma attached to that these

days when I was growing up it was

whether you've got away with it or not

but people now know it's sort of its it

wrecks lives I'd be getting in a car

when I was a kid with grown ups and

family and I go no you can't you can't

drive if you got too much to drink and I

go I won't get caught and then and but

now that people know that's that's right

I've done it once and I'm not proud of

it I'm [ __ ] ashamed of it and that

was Christmas I wasn't drunk but I was

over the limit and I took the car out

and I knew I shouldn't I knew I

shouldn't be driving but I learned my

lesson because I nearly killed an old

woman and no in the end I didn't kill

her in the end I just raped her

but as I say nothing came of it luckily

for me a thousand to one shot she had

Alzheimer's so

not a credible witness

spiders Oh spiders they're always ready

aren't they are they always ready for us

they're always ready for action a spider

it's always completely [ __ ] ready for

action like that always ready for action

always I mean some animals are sometimes

ready you start on a cat and it go cool

for a few seconds and it goes back to

chill with most the time a cat it's just

laying on the floor in it just on its

side all four limbs just stretched out

in one direction you will never see a

spider like that you will never see a

spider just lying on the carpet all

right

its head down and all light legs just

stretched out like that they're always

ready okay they're all and they're

always ready in every direction like the

[ __ ] matrix like that they don't have

to turn they've got ten eyes eight legs

and ten eyes it's over the top okay and

they're even ready when you don't think

they're ready you can see an empty web

okay and you go that spiders not ready

no touch the web what touch the web and

it's there

I [ __ ] hate them

37,000 different species of spider

37,000 different species of spider I

mean millions and billions of

individuals in each species and that's

just one class arachnid of one phylum

Arthropoda there could be five million

species of animal alive now on the earth

best guess okay and that's one percent

of all animal species that have ever

existed ninety-nine percent of all

animal species that ever existed are now

extinct and that remaining one percent

is five million strong take one of those

species termites if we were to weigh

every termite alive now it would be ten

times the tonnage of every human being

on earth and it statistics like that

that make me think that this book isn't

totally accurate

[Applause]

it's the book of Noah the children's

edition I actually got this awarded to

me when I used to go to Sunday school

every week I believed in all this till I

was 8

it's an ad this Sunday school presented

to Ricky Gervais czar I double K I like

a [ __ ] mongoose right for regular

attendance not even for being good at

anything just for turning up right he's

always there give him a prize hear me

back thank you thank you

let's have a look at the evidence long

long ago when God first made the earth I

let both those points go we haven't got

time right long long ago by the way

according to the Bible was 5,000 years

according to the Old Testament the earth

is no older than 5,000 years old ok it's

actually 4.6 billion years old let's pop

bang popper 4.6 billion years ago when

God first made the earth and sky

I don't big up it's like it comes as a

package really doesn't it I mean do I

mean the sky was never an optional extra

it's like God made your planet I can't

breathe would you like an atlas but of

course I [ __ ] would so

well done but everything was peaceful

everything beautiful God made human

beings too and he wanted them to be good

like himself arrogant but very soon they

wanted their own way they would not

listen to God they became wicked and did

wicked things look I'm doing wicked

things there you don't get much more

wicked than that dia [ __ ] off [ __ ] off

wicked we [ __ ] off wicked God just

looking on I'll carry on co-op and see

weapons

I'll see weapons yeah bloke there went

off with a big bag of money don't put it

in a bank you can hi God looked at them

and said to himself

they are so wicked I will have to wipe

them off the face of the earth really

really straight to genocide

what happened to one verbal and two

written warnings straight straight to

the annihilation of the entire human

race because of fatty yellow trousers

pick someone's nose really

anger-management Matt just calm the [ __ ]

down let's chug let's just chill let's

talk about this Wow

I read that too karl Pilkington

right who is yes yes

head like a [ __ ] orange I know yeah

and I read that bit to him they are so

wicked I'll have to wipe my face the

earth and Karl said he sounds gay I said

well what do you mean he went some gays

are a bit like that he thought God was

like having a hissy fit I said Karl God

is not gay okay read the Bible he hates

them they are so wicked I would have to

wipe them off the face of the earth and

every living thing with them what's the

squeeze ever done God but he's not gay

God is not gay but there was one man who

was still very good his name was Noah he

was a friend of God just a friend

so don't know

just a friend a friend with big hoop

earrings

[Applause]

Rouge what what's he do he lives in a

cave what's he doing with this what uh

what what you doing seeing God you never

know

handlebar moustache

holding God's hand who's wearing a

blouse God is not gay God said to Noah

I am so angry with men

[Applause]

you mean men and women whatever I am so

angry with men but I've made my mind up

to destroy them all I have stretched my

bow in the sky is a rainbow that's got

to be the world's first pun hasn't it it

will make so much rain pour down on

earth so everything will be drowned but

not you I want you to build an ark it

must be like a big boat with three decks

and a roof over it yeah I know how to

build a boat mate and you will make a

door in the side of it do you think a

complete idiot

I don't know I did exactly what God told

him and then God said to Noah now okay

okay now this is aimed at children

admittedly but it's taken from the Old

Testament story in the Bible but I don't

think the author of this book is a

zoologist as we've said there could be

five million species of animal I don't

think he knows them all the way backs

out very quickly in this next sentence

okay I want you to take two of every

kind of animal with you into the ark two

lions two tigers two elephants and so on

well I've got lions tigers elephants so

on on you go

look after them well and keep them alive

and Noah did what God said now I had to

study that scenario

okay so God is angry with mankind he's

fed up with in their wicked right he's

gonna wipe them out and just start again

with no and his wife he's angry with the

animals too for some reason I don't so

he's gonna start again with just two of

each species calls a flood they building

are know goes right to every speed -

just do what quick first - there's a

stampede

- elephants - tucán just walking

it's no rush just rolling baby I think

this one is a bit more concerned than

this one this one's probably going

should we fly

no no I could do this all night

No

[Applause]

sure yeah I mean we oh you've got wings

you've got feet Wow

[Applause]

why don't you want to push in the

elephants looking at me funny

yeah [ __ ] ham if you try and push in

I'm gonna stamp on you you you big nose

[ __ ]

hold on how're you call it big nose what

do you mean no it's just pot calling

kettle black

what the [ __ ] does that mean what does

pot we know for pots but I'll forget it

I can't forget that I'm a [ __ ]

elephant

two camels two lions two ostriches two

leopards two tigers two zebra ah here's

the crux of my point just one species on

the ark at the moment the giraffes they

got their first longer legs okay five

million more species to to get on there

so two of it so two two animals on the

ark of the moment ten million more

animals to go ten million more of those

okay

ten million okay as far as 10 million of

them to get on there just to on there at

the moment

look how much room there already taken

up it's a third capacity

what's it going to be like on there when

these two fat [ __ ] get on then God bent

the bow of his anger in the rain came

flooding down covering the earth with

water it rained for 40 days and nights

the flood water rose higher and higher

until it covered the tops of the highest

mountains every living thing was drowned

except Noah and the animals in the ark

and the fish they were fine what they

were fine they were loving it they were

better off in fact all the sea creatures

I mean mountains underwater their

domains had increased like tenfold also

it's so much more interesting

you got crabs going I'm on a [ __ ]

Mountain this is a thing I never want

this blood I've never been up here

before I think of that when you see on

the news like if there's a little

village in Gloucester flooded or

something it's really sad you see people

have lost their homes and they're in

dinghies and they're carrying their pets

and you see a little row of antique

shops completely under water and I think

of a fish just looking in the window of

an antique shop for the first time

so that's a shares long for a hundred

and fifty days the earth was covered

with water that narrow from the window

of the Ark and looked out the water

seemed to be going down but how could he

be sure we'll ask God you've been

chatting to him all the way through why

are we why are they getting cryptic all

of a sudden he sent a raven out but it

soon came flying back it could find

nowhere to settle no wait he's another

week can he set out a dove why did the

Raven lose his job but the Dove came

back to see the Raven wasn't

bullshitting this is there was still no

dry land anywhere but one day the Dove

flew out and why did the Dove get a

second go and not the raven racist

but one day the dove flew out and

brought back a green olive branch and no

one knew that God was no longer angry

then God told Noah to let the animals

out of the ark then was once fulfill the

earth when living things the first thing

Noah did was to build an altar he

offered a sacrifice to God to thank you

for saving them and Noah said I'll make

a pact to friendship with you I would

never again send a flood to destroy the

earth the rainbow which I put in the sky

will no longer be a sign of my anger but

a sign of peace it will be a sign of my

friendship with men

[Applause]

that is how it is used today they took

it literally it will be a sign of my

friendship with men which begins today

in which my son Jesus will one day prove

by shedding his blood for men who you'll

see it was there wasn't a teaser

campaign in the Old Testament look

coming soon the sequel and so when

you've done wrong and you are feeling

very sad about it

think of the rainbow and the peace which

God wants to put into your heart he has

promised to be your friend promised to

be his and that's just one of 12 in the

dove book series I've only got one

number nine now although I think my

favorite would be number eight just from

the title Jesus and the crippled thank

you Cheers

I

I read that whole book to Carl and he

believed it all why wouldn't he it's

written down and I said Carl think how

could they get 10 million animals on a

boat Carl went they said it was a big

boat yeah they did that's true I said

but they're all part of the food chain

they would have literally had to have

eaten each other to survive why didn't

the lion eat the antelope why didn't the

spider eat the fly and Carl said because

in a crisis you all pull together

amazing I'd love to do a book of his

quotes I love books of quotations I love

just reading them for for pleasure I've

got a few of these compilations and then

one of my heroes is Winston Churchill

and when I read give us the tools and we

will finish the job I thought how

inspiring and when I read never in the

field of human conflict was so much owed

by so many to so few I thought how

patriotic and when I read it is a good

thing for an uneducated man to read

books of quotations

I thought you cheeky fat git people

always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the

greatest genius that's ever lived let's

have a look at the evidence okay here's

one of his all women become like their

mothers that is their tragedy no man

does that is his

that sounds a bit gay to me oh just give

me another guys another one I couldn't

help it I can resist everything except

temptation that sounds gay as well I

think I want to start that with a new I

want to go or could now pitch you know I

mean I don't want to I want to end it

with I can resist everything except

temptation chants to be a fine thing you

know I and when he went through customs

in New York all those years ago and the

customs officer just doing his job said

have you anything to declare

Oscar Wilde famously said nothing but my

genius wasn't witty I bet he planned

that about the first time we went

through customs in the foreign country

was all yes sir no sir and you declare

no thanks on you go oh I'll just bought

some of [ __ ] brilliant aside I'm

always doing that excuse me can I go

back to it now oh yeah it's wait weeks

in those days back on the boat to

England just think that right

they say that again and then declare

nothing but we're genius happy in a book

rotation so he gets there again weeks

later finds the same bloke goes up to

him blow his own ego didn't even [ __ ]

ask me that time excuse me I didn't ask

me for that random [ __ ] random right

back on the boat three weeks like okay

and then gets there at this time finds

the same bloke this time he starting

looking shifty so he gets picked out

right there goes

right did you buy anything that's not

the question

save your and leagues declare okay have

you anything to declare nothing but my

genius who's the butt plugs they're mine

incarcerated in red in jail for

homosexuality we've come a long way from

it being punishable to total equality as

it should be of course and England the

gauge your consent

same as heterosexuality now 16 and even

gay marriage although ironically the one

place that was really ahead of the game

fell behind a little at the last

election California they had a

referendum they put it to the vote and

they voted no to gay marriage I mean in

California there's people going that's

why we moved here I mean it's it's a

strange sort of bigotry that you can

affect someone else's lifestyle that

doesn't affect you back it's not like

they asked a bloke once said sorry um do

you mind if these two men get married

they went no fine okay Jack them off

then wow I didn't know that was it's

also a strange sort of bigotry because

these people per object that were

presumably the same people that said you

know gay people were immoral and from

isku us but now they don't have to be

monogamous and respectful in the eyes of

God and it must be so confusing to a gay

guy in California thinking that's the

bit they don't like with all the other

[ __ ] we get up to it's the marriage bit

that miss so confuse they must go to

judges and go so II can I get the rules

straight what you want to know I just

didn't know what we can and can't do ask

away can I marry a man no can I [ __ ] him

up the ass I give him a little each

round

please can't marry him but in the little

can I pick up a stranger in the bushes

and take him home and jism him and throw

him out in the morning or crusty and

homeless I could marry him no and no and

don't ask again could I line up 15 men

I'm just riffing here can I line up 15

men and just jack him off for a laugh if

you want yeah yeah it would be difficult

wouldn't it jacking off 15 men at once

it'll be like plate spinning with it no

because you know you couldn't either two

at once really so you'd have these two

ready to blow but then they'd be losing

it in your clothes

[Applause]

any knackering jacking off 15-minute

wine and sip never thought I'd say that

Oh again oh there's these people that

say being gay isn't natural well it is

natural and I've got a book to prove it

homosexuality occurs in about the same

incidence in the animal kingdom as it

does in human society this is a real

book it's called biological exuberance

animal homosexuality and natural

diversity by Bruce bugger Mill okay

the evidence is compelling and it seems

there is virtually no species which does

not have its gay community that doesn't

mean like chimps on one particular

street wearing leather caps and starfish

they sort of spread it out more really

this is a real book and we have the

first slide please

right okay

right this is a real book okay

right absolutely real okay two males

Stumptown macaques in mutual fellatio

mutual they're sharing their sharing

erode next slide okay

a male squirrel monkey right performing

a general display toward another male uh

he's just going what do you think of

that and this one's going what suck it

okay it's little and why cuz we're gay

I'm not you [ __ ] on

look at the way he's golden him and he's

got his leg up for extra purchase get in

there get in there

look can you imagine my face when I

discovered this book next slide please

ah okay a female Olympic marmots

mounting another female now I don't know

what is in that for either of them

unless the one on top is wearing a

strap-on dildo

one more one more slide ah this is a

doozy okay two forms of copulation

between male dolphins genital slit or

anal penetration above and below

blowhole penetration oh yeah oh yeah

[Applause]

basically he is [ __ ] him

in the head it's in the head he's

[ __ ] him in the head

laser I have never seen out any wildlife

documentary I've never why have I never

seen that before

why are they doing that maybe it's not

in the wild maybe it's in SeaWorld which

is like their prison and they're going

going [ __ ] sake they put in two miles

like some people think we're fish we

might as well [ __ ] do it okay

I mean look at his face

he's going Dave what good could we could

we not do it up the ass like them no

it's in the head or nothing Dave what

[Music]

what Dave Dave I love you but I can't

[ __ ] breathe

[Applause]

that is a real book that is a real book

could we have that look I love the fact

that you found like a turkey and rag2

to show how guy animals could be the

gayest animal in the world oh yeah I

hope I haven't offended anyone with any

of the subject now I do I do

that's not the point I don't try and

offend if I have offended anyone and I'm

sure I have I don't apologize no I think

you should you have to be able to

justify everything you do and I just

think that a comedian should take you to

taboo place you haven't been before

otherwise you could do it yourself

there's enough anodyne comedy out there

just doing things obvious stuff that you

know doesn't make it you know any any

difference at all and there's this spite

of comedians saying sorry when they go

too far I just think you know you should

they go oh sorry I didn't mean it well

you should know better then it's there's

also a witch-hunt at the moment with

people saying oh is there anything you

shouldn't make a joke about no there's

nothing you shouldn't joke about it

depends what the joke is

comedy comes from a good or a bad place

and it's for you to decide what what

that is and I think that there's a big

debate about sick jokes Oh Peter come

he's doing sick jokes now the thing

about sick jokes when we tell a sick

joke it's with the Express understanding

that neither party is really like that I

wouldn't tell a sick joke to a known

pedophile

I wouldn't go am i you're gonna [ __ ]

love this more than anyone son and I've

never been in trouble for anything I've

said in my professional career because I

refused to apologize what can they do to

you you know growing up you know you try

try things out and you get taken the

wrong way a little bit not like the

dolphin I mean you know not when I was

about 23 24 me my girlfriend met up with

this other couple they'd moved down from

the north of England to London I used to

come in the place I used to work and we

had a couple of drinks to them they were

cool people and they're fun and then

after we met a couple of times they

invited us to a pie at their house and

we went along one it was a dinner party

was they haven't warned us about but -

it was for their family that had come

down from the north to see how they were

getting on and it was both that said

parents and grandparents and great

uncles average age about 85 right and I

think we were an afterthought we thought

oh God we don't know anyone our age all

that Ricky and Jane so we went along and

we were still getting to know them so we

just spoke to them all night we didn't

really mingle with the older people and

then as I say we use comedy as a sword

and a shield and a medicine but usually

is it getting to know you okay we use

comedy to break the ice are you

like-minded what can you take what do

you like and I've always sort of pushed

the boundaries a little bit to try my

people to laugh at things I didn't think

they could but you know then they're you

know everything turns out okay I suppose

and I started off lightly I told this

joke why did the little girl fall off

the swing because she had no arms

yeah sweet and they laughed a little bit

louder than that there's only two of

them so thanks all right no so I thought

okay they get it though that so and so

you up the ante a little bit

I don't you push and I told this joke oh

I need a drink

start the car seriously right I told

this joke made sure the old people could

hear I went okay father

sitting at home just reading the

newspaper his little girl comes running

in she's only six hello darling hello

daddy

you've been playing yeah in the park

yeah with your friends well until the

man came along till the man came along

yeah man came along and he asked my

friends to leave so it's just me and him

darling come over whatever happened none

of it was your fault okay darling none

of it was your fault but tell daddy

every detail what happened um he took me

behind a tree so now I could see what

you're doing I've got darling and then

what happened um he took my dress off Oh

God what happened next what um he took

his thing out Oh God darling and then

what happened nothing that was it

Oh we'll make something up

[Applause]

don't tell anyone that I wanted to be a

surprise so I told that joke carried on

I'm getting a bit drunk or telling jokes

huh eventually we sat down for the meal

about quarter to 10:00 they put two

tables together and the hosts at either

end and they put me in the middle

opposite this very sweet we're very deaf

sort of eighty year old man so

conversation was a bit stilted and after

about 20 minutes

Ian one of the hosts pipes and says Oh

Ricky tell that joke what all the object

went all we love jokes do you I looked

at you and Ian went be fine I went okay

and he got on with this conversation and

so it all like that

I went off Farva sitting home reading of

a little girl comes running told the

whole joke got to the bit we'll make

something up they went silence I look to

ear anyway

thank you so much you've been fantastic

good night

thank you thank you very much thank you

so much

thank you fantastic thank you so much I

[ __ ] love Chicago isn't it brilliant

just the best time thank you thank you

so much I'd say I'd risk coming again

through volcanic ash clouds anything to

go it's Fanta terrorist attack I've

actually always been a nervous flier to

be honest and I flew a few weeks after

9/11 and and after 9/11 the world went a

little bit crazy you know understandably

the rules change and there was a lot of

anger and fear and confusion and

finger-pointing and I'd always consider

myself quite a rational liberal sort of

guy and I try to remain that way after

9/11 and even in like you know in the

pub with mates I'd be the ones going no

you can't say that now that's a

generalization that's that's ridiculous

no no that's that's unfair you can't tie

over with the same brush no it's still

the safest form of transport it's 16

million to one the chance of her you

know trying to be rational that's in a

pub when I'm flying it's more like check

him again can we check him again

he's getting on this but do you mind if

I check him can I just can I just

and after 9/11 with all the checks I

still tried to remain sort of rationale

for this off I was thinking right it's

it's harder now than it ever was to get

a bomb on the plane this is you know

it's it's the restrictions are tight

it's safe for now and then I found out

that a terrorist doesn't even get on the

plane now with the bomb they found

heat-seeking missiles and they could

just Park up in some sort of lay by and

take the plane out within the first 10

minutes of takeoff so now I'd be on the

plane going right we're out of range

who's got the bomb right and as I saw I

flew a couple of weeks after 9/11 an

internal flight and we're up in the air

I've done the thing right we're out of

range right okay I lost a limit nervous

and I said to the air hostess I said

have you got any magazines think of this

she said quite loud quite blase she said

no honey

we've got no magazines we've had to

undertake severe cutbacks because we're

one of the companies being sued over

9/11 one

don't mention 9/11

surely a new rule but went round don't

mention 911 when you're handing out the

coffee just you know I mean but - don't

say severe cutbacks severe cutbacks if

someone says now I don't think of

magazines anymore I think of a bloke in

the aircraft hangar earlier that week

going do we really need all these rivets

it's just what terrible bedside manner I

mean I take first-class flights

everywhere I know you wouldn't have any

other way I'd do it for you really some

of the flights I take cost ten thousand

pounds okay and for ten thousand pounds

in a disaster I expect the front end of

my plane that I'm in to gently break off

and float down to a desert island it

doesn't are Dover the best - you [ __ ]

losers that's not fair isn't it

I know you tried to save me but you

couldn't eat we just be on the news I

probably only one get name-checked on

the news you'd be turned in thirty

others but I was his some consolation

but anyway so okay once I was flying

back from New York okay

925 a Saturday night JFK to London

Heathrow be a first-class okay now this

is my point

it's fear that threatens rational

thought I think okay I'm there now the

whole week leading up to that flight so

if you remember it always happened more

than once I don't know a couple years

ago on every news channel in America

there was a rolling ticker tape that

said America on red alert we've had

Intel there's going to be another 9/11

in a major city probably New York or LA

okay this weekend do not fly unless you

absolutely had to right I had to I was

filming and

but so I'm the only one in the

first-class lounge okay

and I still try to remain rash and I was

thinking no it's safe for now everyone's

looking for a terrorist today they leave

it till Monday

all right and then it happened

the thing the threat and my rational

thought I have a little bit of a mini

breakdown into the first-class lounge

about 30 minutes before boarding came

this guy I don't know whether it was

North African or Middle Eastern or Asian

be out all the gear all right beard

steer the tosh.o case okay and here's

your middle-class sort of liberal I went

[Music]

I was suddenly engaging staff in sort of

banal conversation don't fly on time

there go yeah

what's the weather like in London like

they were gonna go it's a bit cloudy but

there he is

right didn't happen so I'm left there

right and I'm looking over him and I'm

thinking of all the the running up to it

and the week or the news nothing but now

there's a fight between good and evil

between rational and irrational okay

this one goes oh that's a suicide bomber

oh very stupid course isn't it is how'd

you know what he looked like

Wow beard dobby stupid right then he

makes a phone call and I couldn't

understand what he was saying but he

sounded a bit angry okay this one goes

all we made a phone call right this what

no you just made a phone call yeah but

not in foreign a shot right he's been

checked like the rest of us have been

checked did they check the beard yeah

they checked the beard yeah

and then I'm looking at him must be an

absent-minded with all this going on in

my head and he catches me looking and he

does this because all he knows he knows

right

this one goes no he knows why you're

looking at me said that's all prejudice

for months now stop looking at him yeah

right but this one starts winning the

fear starts beating all the rational

thought in the world and I was going no

it could be it what yeah it could be

probably not well know the stats are up

today yeah but still but it won't happen

- don't say it won't happen to us people

of 9/11 said it wouldn't Apple to them

yeah but all the tests yeah where they

find new ways of getting through our

detection then we have to have a game

here you're right and suddenly I thought

oh my god this is it this is it and that

wave of nausea and you suddenly realize

oh my god I'm witnessing this this one

goes okay right let's report him this

one goes no why in case someone thinks

we're racist

no [ __ ] that let's let's report him and

be a wrong embarrassed live racist just

in case right I don't know so I don't

and so now I think he is a suicide

bomber and I think I'm gonna get on the

plane and die but I'm not gonna do

anything about it and I'm nearly in

tears and all this happens in a few

moments and I look over and he's joined

by his wife who's got all the gear and

it's two little girls okay and I

suddenly go ah course he's not [ __ ]

suicide bomber if you're off to see 72

virgins you don't take the wife and kids

along so no and I got on the plane and

of course he wasn't a terrorist no was

sort of a bit embarrassed and I saw the

funny side of it and I was relieved

nothing and then it was a businessman

and a family man he was playing with his

two little girls I kept running up and

down and banging into my chair he wasn't

doing anything about that at all okay

think about that at all okay and he was

sort of chasing them and I was squealing

really I've been going through after

half an hour I was hoping some would

blow the [ __ ] plane up do y'all is

but a really weird thing happened during

that period I got so paranoid about

terrorist attack that I started taking

private jets and helicopters everywhere

just cuz I was so rich no

no again my philosophy was I'm the only

person on this plane and I definitely

haven't got a bomb so we're all right

you know and I was taking a helicopter

one day and I was waiting on the helipad

okay rewind two days before that I'm at

home I have a material materials and

there's a carton of milk there with the

missing person things on the back and

I've seen a thousand of them okay this

one was slightly different because it

was a missing child which is always

sadder well know it's sad when anyone

goes missing but presume because of her

age this was an abduction and you know

and it was also the language it was a

plea from the mother and it was the

wording she just said the name of the

little girl which I won't say I remember

it and the day and place where she was

last seen and she just said five years

old blond hair blue eyes always happy

please help me

they must have stayed with me two days

later I'm there it's like a wharf

development wagon waiting for this

helicopter and I'm looking down on to

sort of some disused so a warehouse

space and I look in one right and

someone had put up a brown blanket with

this duct tape okay as like a curtain

and it had fallen away and I can see in

this is true story it's an empty room

apart from a mattress and on the

mattress is a little girl with her hands

tied and my [ __ ] heart five years old

five years old blond hair blond hair

blue eyes blue eyes always happy crying

her eyes out

what it it couldn't have been oh I left

it thanks very much you've been amazing

good night Chicago cheers thank you

Cheers

thank you so much thank you

here's a

good night everyone thank you

[Music]

[Applause]