All language subtitles for Ricky Gervais Out Of England - Best Stand Up Comedy Special show ( 720p, with English ) (1080p_25fps_H264-128kbit_AAC).Englisch
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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127
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[Applause]
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thank you
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Chicago
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thank you so much
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thank you thank you
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that's amazing welcome I should explain
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something straight away usually when I
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come out on stage it's amazing okay I'm
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doing cartwheels and backflips
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it's [ __ ] spectacular right I've hurt
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my back that's true actually
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I've pulled a muscle in my spine playing
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golf I know you're thinking serves me
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right for playing such a stupid games
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goal but um no I've been in agony I'm
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actually on painkillers right now so no
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it's true if I suddenly start talking
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like Paula Abdul you're know why I'm not
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drunk
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so when the doctor this to where the
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doctor gave me the painkillers he said
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now you can't drink alcohol with these
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and I went I don't want them them what I
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said give me some you can't drink
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alcohol with anyway well you're not
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gonna drink with any painkillers my
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[ __ ] mother just so I've been walking
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around like the Elephant Man for days
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but without the big [ __ ] obviously huh I
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assume he had a big elephants [ __ ] to
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match the head balance out noticed any
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look in the mirror and eat oh no oh look
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at that [ __ ] head swings and
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roundabouts celebrate the buns are on me
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um so yeah that's my problems I didn't
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cancel though I didn't hate that was
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canceled your Turkish concert canceled
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due to sore throat ah I can go on I was
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depressed oh poor little artist oh can
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you imagine the labourer trying that
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general I've got a little tickle and I'm
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fed up ah
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leave the [ __ ] bricks might never
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cancel I had a a gig in Dublin a couple
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of months ago okay and as you know
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doubling this in Ireland which is offer
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yeah it's off the coast of Great Britain
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it's not part of Britain but it's it's
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very close it's sort of like our Cuba I
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suppose
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and and so okay so Dublin
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Oh to arena 10,000 seats sold out when
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in advance
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flights but we're really looking forward
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to it a few days before the gig they
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start grounding the airplanes because
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there's a volcanic ash cloud over
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Britain okay and if you fly through it
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apparently and make the plane fall out
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of the sky and there's like that was it
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you couldn't fly in that I mean a
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volcano goes off in Iceland and we can't
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but what's the point of Iceland really
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just fill in all the volcanoes with
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concrete okay just
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in fact tarmac the whole country and
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make it a carpark for real Europe
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because it's a waste of [ __ ] space
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okay and so I'm thinking I've gotta get
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there I can't cancel and um there were
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sort of pop stars and people coming over
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Morgan and they were cancelling their
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flight because they couldn't get in and
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out I thought I can't so I hired a
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helicopter to and from Dublin it cost me
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twelve thousand pounds right just cuz I
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couldn't bear to let anyone down or take
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the ferry
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they were still running sure but that
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would have meant mixing with the general
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public and I don't this is about as
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close over so um I don't know if you're
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affected by the volcanic ash cloud and
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but I had friends that were stuck all
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over the world and they missed weddings
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and funerals and that for themselves up
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in a hotel for extra days and budgeted
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for and they couldn't get their money
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back because the airlines are saying no
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we can't pay you because the insurance
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companies won't pay us because they're
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saying it's an act of God
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well what isn't an act of God if you
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believe in God that's sort of a
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definition of him isn't it but he does
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everything isn't that right everything
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is an act of him he's all-powerful is
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everywhere at why he invented it there
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was nothing before him he invented time
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everything he's across it all okay he
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doesn't miss a trick and he's not
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absent-minded a volcano going off isn't
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like you going [ __ ] let the oven on I
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know these insurance companies that can
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decide what is and isn't act upon how do
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they know okay if they got a hotline to
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God they've called him up today
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ring-ring ring-ring
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Yello could I speak to God please
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speaking oh I didn't think you'd ask the
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phone you won that volcanic ash cloud
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was that you yep yes that was an active
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me all right so I shouldn't pay out no
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don't [ __ ] play map any Sun No
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brilliant brilliant while I've got you
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here did you make a tree fall on Steve
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Baxter's car as a lot of Steve Baxter's
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and Steve Baxter to acacia a road
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Hounslow
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it happened at 250 on the 3rd of June
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this year to 1530 no that wasn't me I
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was in Africa that they given aids to
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babies
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he does everything he does everything
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Lou I don't make the rules well uh well
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I'm glad I didn't cancel because it's
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fantastically I've seen you a happy
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smiley face is probably feeling very
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fortunate that you managed to get a
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ticket to see a living legend oh my
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I know I know you love you [ __ ] you
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really I'm joking of course the pleasure
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is all mine thank you so much for coming
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out spending your hard-earned cash I
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know there's been a recession on someone
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told me I'm ready it's still God I don't
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it really didn't affect me if I'm being
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honest we can laugh about it now no come
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on I don't understand a recession it was
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until last year I found out you could go
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into your bank and say can I withdraw my
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cash and they could go no no got it
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I've got 50,000 pounds saved um where is
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it lost it
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have you checked the vault it's empty
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what was the point of that you might as
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well kept it in a drawer spot a little
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[ __ ] oh I hope you enjoy the show let me
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know won't you if I say something funny
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you're laughs and I got all I'll keep
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that in for the rest of the tour in fact
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I'm it isn't funny you won't laugh and I
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got I'll lose that bit so some bits
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tonight will be exclusive to you they um
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they will be the [ __ ] bits granted
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okay let's start let's get on with it no
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one wants to be here all night
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um you can have too much of a good thing
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ganya like heroin what
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although too much heroin is death
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basically that's when you know you've
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had too much you got [ __ ] about you I'm
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dead
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that's the thing though with heroin you
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know try anything once kids sure but
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know this right now no do you think I
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try I try your hair away I'll just try
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one give me give me a heroin give me one
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heroin okay just just have one Oh what's
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it like always [ __ ] lovely I want
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more I can't just happen it's like
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Pringles it's like once you pop you
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can't stop
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that's I think that's how it works I'm
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not an expert and believe it or not I've
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never been a heroin addict um
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no round of applause for that say no
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never having been a heroin addict if
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either come out don't go yeah I used to
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be a Harry now that I used to mug people
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and [ __ ] myself in doorways those things
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that we never did in the first place why
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are you applauding someone for suddenly
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acting like a normal member of society
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it's like MIT it's like I've lost a bit
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of weight I've lost about 20 pounds
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exactly
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basically applauding me for only eating
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as much as I need now I should have
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always been doing that was a greedy lazy
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bastard now they go oh well done you
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look great look terrible they're
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basically saying I look terrible they
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know no one told me the time it was
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really taboo I needed weight is to come
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over and go [ __ ] off you bad enough
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right and I've been criticized in the
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past for having a go at fat people I've
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never had a go at fat people I've only
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ever pointed out the fact that you get
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fat if you take in more calories than
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you burn off that's simple science I
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don't judge them in any other aspect of
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their life but that's what happens you
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get fat if you take in more calories
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than you burn off okay and that that's
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indisputable okay now the thing is
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people think I'm having a go I'm not
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because I don't judge them if I see a
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fat person I don't make assumptions of
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I'm other than how they got fat and this
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is the other thing
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wait wait not only is that what makes
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you fat people know that's what's making
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her fat no well got fat behind their own
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back no one and what the [ __ ] are okay
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it's not a surprise it's a gradual
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process you have loads of time to back
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out from this project and also no one's
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sneaking into thin people's apartment
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and injecting their lettuce with a
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million calories that doesn't happen
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okay they know what if you'd like to
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blow with he's surrounded by cakes and
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pies right and you go
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you're nuts making you fat don't ya he
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doesn't go who's all the running he
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knows what it but I don't make judgments
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okay other than how they got fat okay if
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I see a fat person I don't go oh he's
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fat therefore he's jolly right I'm not
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miserable I might if I see a fat girl I
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don't go I'll she'd be pretty if she
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lost weight that's rarely the case
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so don't fall for that okay for a lot of
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them started eating because they had
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fuck-all to lose so no but there's no
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stigma attacks because that people don't
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even want to use the word fat now
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because I think it's derogatory it's a
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real to boo subject we'll use euphemisms
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they go oh you know Brenda the big girl
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what seven foot no not what she look
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like Brenda you know she she's the one
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who's clammy even in winter just say
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she's fat nothing wrong with it it's
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their choice up to a few hundred fights
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fine
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you know Brenda them she's out of breath
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just standing up at her desk
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it is their own fault and it is their
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own fault I feel sorry for them right
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now I do particularly particularly fat
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women because fat is a feminist issue
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men get fat and we just go [ __ ] it all
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bought and paid for you know we don't
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come under the same constraints of
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society or as women are inundated with
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images of how you should be size zero
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models this diet that diet look like
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this keep your man and they make such an
267
00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:30,289
effort don't like fat girls ever it's
268
00:12:28,940 --> 00:12:32,600
got lovely hair I know that won't open
269
00:12:30,289 --> 00:12:34,610
the hair don't go nobody hair what's got
270
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:37,759
lovely hair who's got those lovely folks
271
00:12:34,610 --> 00:12:40,209
nails I they make an effort anything but
272
00:12:37,759 --> 00:12:40,208
jogging
273
00:12:41,889 --> 00:12:47,809
they love high heels okay they think it
274
00:12:45,889 --> 00:12:53,500
makes her legs look less it doesn't it
275
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:53,500
just you just hear him plumbing now I
276
00:12:54,460 --> 00:12:58,850
don't want to be fat people to feel
277
00:12:56,870 --> 00:13:04,940
uncomfortable one of my gigs so next
278
00:12:58,850 --> 00:13:07,129
time buy two seats this time Jojo I'm
279
00:13:04,940 --> 00:13:10,040
not having a go I'm just pointing out
280
00:13:07,129 --> 00:13:12,289
you know I was listening to the radio in
281
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,849
England a few weeks back radio for quite
282
00:13:12,289 --> 00:13:15,620
highbrow there was a discussion about
283
00:13:13,850 --> 00:13:18,769
political correctness my name came up
284
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:20,509
straight away all right and there was a
285
00:13:18,769 --> 00:13:22,579
song on there going oh yeah well it's
286
00:13:20,509 --> 00:13:24,590
it's not right I'm Ricky Gervais is um
287
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:25,520
he makes jokes about fat people he
288
00:13:24,590 --> 00:13:27,920
wouldn't make jokes about gay people
289
00:13:25,519 --> 00:13:31,819
woody and being fat is like being gay
290
00:13:27,919 --> 00:13:34,490
what no it's not you can't choose your
291
00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:36,110
sexuality as you establish you choose
292
00:13:34,490 --> 00:13:36,680
whether to eat too much or not you know
293
00:13:36,110 --> 00:13:38,810
yeah
294
00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:41,599
with with with your sexuality you're
295
00:13:38,809 --> 00:13:43,519
born you grow up you discover you like
296
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:46,850
same-sex relationships and that's it
297
00:13:43,519 --> 00:13:49,129
you're gay okay but be gay to me the
298
00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:51,440
same as being fat you'd have to be born
299
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:53,629
be straigh grow up knowing you're
300
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:57,070
straight but gradually and consciously
301
00:13:53,629 --> 00:13:57,070
wean yourself onto [ __ ]
302
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:11,590
Oh happy 16th birthday son um this is
303
00:14:06,909 --> 00:14:14,709
Raul suck his [ __ ] sorry father
304
00:14:11,590 --> 00:14:16,810
suck his [ __ ] 16 now suck his [ __ ] I I'm
305
00:14:14,710 --> 00:14:21,040
heterosexual Oh with his newfangled
306
00:14:16,809 --> 00:14:23,500
words suck his [ __ ] come on I don't like
307
00:14:21,039 --> 00:14:24,789
pop father doesn't like pop how do you
308
00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:28,720
know if you've never tried it
309
00:14:24,789 --> 00:14:31,689
ah suck his [ __ ] I've got suck a one
310
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:34,950
[ __ ] sucker that's not sucking it as
311
00:14:31,690 --> 00:14:34,950
playing with you put it in your mouth
312
00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:42,250
have a go you might like it
313
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:46,629
oh it's not so bad is it oh I [ __ ]
314
00:14:42,250 --> 00:14:48,610
love these if that happened then being
315
00:14:46,629 --> 00:14:53,470
gay would be the same as being fat but
316
00:14:48,610 --> 00:14:56,800
it doesn't so it's not okay I was on a
317
00:14:53,470 --> 00:15:00,879
plane last year okay going from New York
318
00:14:56,799 --> 00:15:03,069
to LA okay and Mabel do remember one
319
00:15:00,879 --> 00:15:05,820
side of the plane that was the aisle and
320
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:09,520
the other side there were these two huge
321
00:15:05,820 --> 00:15:10,690
women okay proper proper cut the fat one
322
00:15:09,519 --> 00:15:12,429
of them just got on and when can I have
323
00:15:10,690 --> 00:15:15,030
about extension yeah cool she can you've
324
00:15:12,429 --> 00:15:15,029
earned it right
325
00:15:15,739 --> 00:15:20,249
proper in fact I was thinking of calling
326
00:15:18,028 --> 00:15:22,470
the pile out should one of us swap with
327
00:15:20,249 --> 00:15:29,970
one of them otherwise we just go into
328
00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:31,199
Canada do not I mean words and one of
329
00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:34,048
them was even fatter than the other one
330
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:37,258
okay and she was gay and she got on the
331
00:15:34,048 --> 00:15:40,588
plane with one of those takeaway buckets
332
00:15:37,259 --> 00:15:42,688
of fast food bucket I mean there's your
333
00:15:40,589 --> 00:15:44,519
first clue we did not happen when did
334
00:15:42,688 --> 00:15:46,139
fat people just give up when did they go
335
00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:48,110
into a shop and go I'll [ __ ] it just
336
00:15:46,139 --> 00:15:50,369
treat me like a farmyard animal really
337
00:15:48,110 --> 00:15:54,289
give me in a bucket in fact just strap
338
00:15:50,369 --> 00:15:56,699
it to my [ __ ] head and I'll do it
339
00:15:54,289 --> 00:16:00,899
really you want your mail in a bucket
340
00:15:56,698 --> 00:16:04,109
yes but so she's there and she's chowing
341
00:16:00,899 --> 00:16:06,899
down right I swear she turns to her fat
342
00:16:04,110 --> 00:16:09,709
friend and says this is the best fried
343
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,708
chicken I've had all day
344
00:16:10,450 --> 00:16:16,170
[Applause]
345
00:16:13,669 --> 00:16:20,159
but I'm not having a go I'm not gonna go
346
00:16:16,169 --> 00:16:22,139
no I'm not no I'm not because even
347
00:16:20,159 --> 00:16:24,269
though it is their own fault and it is
348
00:16:22,139 --> 00:16:25,860
their own fault I don't know if you know
349
00:16:24,269 --> 00:16:33,809
this about fat people um
350
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:36,840
they [ __ ] love cake I blame the food
351
00:16:33,809 --> 00:16:38,129
industries because you going to
352
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,269
supermarket and it's just packed with
353
00:16:38,129 --> 00:16:41,939
that stuff everything's packed with
354
00:16:39,269 --> 00:16:44,429
hydrogenated fats and extra calories and
355
00:16:41,940 --> 00:16:45,780
sugar and butter and everything and they
356
00:16:44,429 --> 00:16:48,389
love that okay
357
00:16:45,779 --> 00:16:49,799
and it's always a big doors now to a
358
00:16:48,389 --> 00:16:51,629
supermarket it's awesome
359
00:16:49,799 --> 00:16:53,309
they've got quadruple tour isn't it no
360
00:16:51,629 --> 00:16:55,830
one's ever been to fights it gets with
361
00:16:53,309 --> 00:16:57,899
the door of a supermarket okay and it
362
00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:59,820
opens automatically so that after waste
363
00:16:57,899 --> 00:17:01,829
calories pushing anything there's just
364
00:16:59,820 --> 00:17:03,330
and it's a pigeon's or mac whose use
365
00:17:01,830 --> 00:17:07,920
these glass they can see the pie from
366
00:17:03,330 --> 00:17:12,720
down the road now in like that grazing
367
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:13,800
right so I say keep the big door keep
368
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,299
the big door sure
369
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:16,799
keep the door come on slap people come
370
00:17:15,299 --> 00:17:19,529
in they go but when they get in there
371
00:17:16,799 --> 00:17:20,970
it's all fresh fruit invent it's all
372
00:17:19,529 --> 00:17:21,930
whole-grain it's all stuff that's good
373
00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:23,549
fear okay
374
00:17:21,930 --> 00:17:25,259
go stare be confused at first I hope
375
00:17:23,549 --> 00:17:26,909
that's not real food to them I think
376
00:17:25,259 --> 00:17:28,279
Brussels sprouts is packaging right
377
00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:29,840
there
378
00:17:28,279 --> 00:17:31,579
but looking at where's the coats was the
379
00:17:29,839 --> 00:17:33,649
cakes the cakes are over here
380
00:17:31,579 --> 00:17:39,379
but the cakes are through a different
381
00:17:33,650 --> 00:17:54,970
door but this door is human-sized so now
382
00:17:39,380 --> 00:17:54,970
they go there's the cakes is a banana
383
00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:05,210
that's for nothing so they can slip
384
00:18:02,809 --> 00:18:10,069
through the door and have a cake they
385
00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:11,720
can't go again but we've got to do
386
00:18:10,069 --> 00:18:13,579
something we've got Oh intervene and
387
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,930
people say no it's not a deal with you
388
00:18:13,579 --> 00:18:17,149
it's epidemics their body it's their
389
00:18:14,930 --> 00:18:20,269
life and that's true but we don't say
390
00:18:17,150 --> 00:18:21,410
that about wearing plush shallots or if
391
00:18:20,269 --> 00:18:23,150
you've got a heroin addict for the
392
00:18:21,410 --> 00:18:27,259
family you don't go oh it's his life you
393
00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:28,790
love zeroing you know stop this you
394
00:18:27,259 --> 00:18:30,379
could please don't die and you get em in
395
00:18:28,789 --> 00:18:32,450
you throw him in a cupboard for three
396
00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:33,800
weeks or something oh you can't throw a
397
00:18:32,450 --> 00:18:36,140
fat person the coverage of your backing
398
00:18:33,799 --> 00:18:37,519
like me but you know heroin addicts
399
00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:39,950
aren't wireless that you can throw them
400
00:18:37,519 --> 00:18:41,509
around willy-nilly right well when
401
00:18:39,950 --> 00:18:42,680
they're lying there with a need one you
402
00:18:41,509 --> 00:18:46,210
just get the needle and flick and they
403
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:49,130
just go into the cupboard like that okay
404
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:50,450
I'm moving in and it'll try the
405
00:18:49,130 --> 00:18:54,230
chocolates and they just follow that
406
00:18:50,450 --> 00:18:56,900
anywhere but we've got to do something
407
00:18:54,230 --> 00:18:59,779
because a third of the world or obese
408
00:18:56,900 --> 00:19:01,700
and a third of the world are starving
409
00:18:59,779 --> 00:19:03,509
the fat ones are eating the skinny ones
410
00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:06,000
food basically
411
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:07,769
I know most the skinny ones were in
412
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:11,670
Africa so out of sight our mind I know
413
00:19:07,769 --> 00:19:13,589
but no no I could talk about Africa like
414
00:19:11,670 --> 00:19:20,009
that because I'm from Britain and we
415
00:19:13,589 --> 00:19:22,019
used to own it we did we'll be at the
416
00:19:20,009 --> 00:19:26,069
Empire and we ruled the world before you
417
00:19:22,019 --> 00:19:28,829
took over we used to but then in the
418
00:19:26,069 --> 00:19:30,450
fifties or sixties Africa wanted to be
419
00:19:28,829 --> 00:19:31,319
south ruled they wanted independence and
420
00:19:30,450 --> 00:19:32,850
they said look we'd like to run
421
00:19:31,319 --> 00:19:34,200
ourselves it went fine so gradually we
422
00:19:32,849 --> 00:19:35,819
started giving Africa back to the
423
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:38,819
Africans and by the seven is it was
424
00:19:35,819 --> 00:19:41,579
totally run by the you know Africans
425
00:19:38,819 --> 00:19:46,639
themselves and course in the eighties we
426
00:19:41,579 --> 00:19:53,569
get a phone call hello hello is that
427
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:57,570
Africa what do you want we're starving
428
00:19:53,569 --> 00:20:01,710
you should have thought of that before
429
00:19:57,569 --> 00:20:03,509
you wanted independence well we didn't
430
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:05,250
know there'd be a drought did we drought
431
00:20:03,509 --> 00:20:07,230
I'll give you a drought this is true
432
00:20:05,250 --> 00:20:09,839
when I was a kid I was about ten we had
433
00:20:07,230 --> 00:20:11,849
a really long hot summer okay and there
434
00:20:09,839 --> 00:20:15,619
was a hosepipe ban you couldn't water
435
00:20:11,849 --> 00:20:15,619
your flowers we've all suffered
436
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:23,439
so that's true actually one long hot
437
00:20:21,730 --> 00:20:24,519
summer and the water ran out and we
438
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,139
didn't know what to do we thought what
439
00:20:24,519 --> 00:20:27,159
could we do and there was people coming
440
00:20:26,138 --> 00:20:28,209
around your house trying to tell you how
441
00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:29,830
to conserve what I was saying things
442
00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:31,179
like when you brush your teeth don't let
443
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,619
the tap just run you know put a little
444
00:20:31,179 --> 00:20:34,240
plaster and they came and they were
445
00:20:32,619 --> 00:20:35,918
putting house bricks in the cistern of
446
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,388
the toilet to save war and there was
447
00:20:35,919 --> 00:20:38,440
Public Information films on the
448
00:20:37,388 --> 00:20:39,758
television
449
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,440
there was one advert that was like it
450
00:20:39,759 --> 00:20:44,710
was like an animation and it was like a
451
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:49,149
couple in the bath and it said conserve
452
00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:52,058
water take a bath with a friend which I
453
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:58,658
did I say a friend he was more friend of
454
00:20:52,058 --> 00:21:01,450
a granddad's but temporals is a lot to a
455
00:20:58,659 --> 00:21:04,299
kid in England and
456
00:21:01,450 --> 00:21:07,390
whoa
457
00:21:04,298 --> 00:21:09,650
they taught me a lot they told me a lot
458
00:21:07,390 --> 00:21:16,309
stuff like you know wash it like that
459
00:21:09,650 --> 00:21:18,950
give it here now is it was a sweet old
460
00:21:16,308 --> 00:21:20,509
man I used to call him granddad Charlie
461
00:21:18,950 --> 00:21:21,440
he wasn't my real granddad he's just an
462
00:21:20,509 --> 00:21:22,669
old bloke that lived across the road
463
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:26,058
used to come round whenever he saw my
464
00:21:22,669 --> 00:21:27,740
parents go out right we've got my mum
465
00:21:26,058 --> 00:21:29,990
and dad out yeah oh it was here magic
466
00:21:27,740 --> 00:21:32,240
trick yeah he draw the curtains I'm done
467
00:21:29,990 --> 00:21:34,250
it might leave close my eyes okay and he
468
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:37,220
sit down he put a top hat on his lap
469
00:21:34,250 --> 00:21:39,169
like that right a magic hat right and he
470
00:21:37,220 --> 00:21:42,319
goes oh I just it doesn't feel the magic
471
00:21:39,169 --> 00:21:43,940
rabbit and I still go up now huh I used
472
00:21:42,319 --> 00:21:45,319
to go in I used to feel a little but
473
00:21:43,940 --> 00:21:49,730
weird little thing it was didn't have
474
00:21:45,319 --> 00:21:56,089
any fur or is it used to go and it was
475
00:21:49,730 --> 00:21:58,339
skied stiff it was it was I stroked it
476
00:21:56,089 --> 00:22:11,209
so fast once that it was sick all down
477
00:21:58,339 --> 00:22:13,779
my where was I oh yes farming farming is
478
00:22:11,210 --> 00:22:13,779
a problem
479
00:22:14,019 --> 00:22:18,529
which brings me to this next fad that we
480
00:22:16,609 --> 00:22:20,589
need to stamp out this happened
481
00:22:18,529 --> 00:22:23,539
Christmas before last exchanging gifts
482
00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:25,279
without friends good friends I'm quite
483
00:22:23,539 --> 00:22:27,500
well-off friends from being honest and I
484
00:22:25,279 --> 00:22:29,599
got them a coffee making machine from
485
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:32,000
Harrods top of the range they loved it
486
00:22:29,599 --> 00:22:33,259
they gave me my present was just an
487
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:36,039
envelope I thought oh what's this
488
00:22:33,259 --> 00:22:38,450
bouncers over now it wasn't vouchers and
489
00:22:36,039 --> 00:22:41,059
it was just a pod with a picture of a go
490
00:22:38,450 --> 00:22:44,090
on it I said what's this they went all
491
00:22:41,059 --> 00:22:46,480
our people to you is we gave a go to an
492
00:22:44,089 --> 00:22:46,480
African family
493
00:22:49,460 --> 00:22:53,240
I'm looking at the coffee machine thing
494
00:22:51,619 --> 00:22:57,259
is it too late to take that back is it -
495
00:22:53,240 --> 00:23:03,410
oh um we we gave the go to an African
496
00:22:57,259 --> 00:23:07,220
family did you oh so I've got fuck-all
497
00:23:03,410 --> 00:23:10,009
then basically I mean I don't even know
498
00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:12,170
this African family why did I give them
499
00:23:10,009 --> 00:23:14,359
a go it doesn't matter this serves no
500
00:23:12,170 --> 00:23:17,000
purpose at all no but this is no good
501
00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:19,069
for anyone they're 50 quid down I've got
502
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:25,509
nothing the African farm is going not
503
00:23:19,069 --> 00:23:25,509
another mouth to feed the goat is going
504
00:23:29,559 --> 00:23:39,649
we always gambling round the Cotswolds
505
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:41,720
that was there was grass and there's no
506
00:23:39,650 --> 00:23:43,070
way that wanted to go to Africa it was
507
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:45,410
basically that was kidnapped
508
00:23:43,069 --> 00:23:46,789
it was abducted it was put in a sack and
509
00:23:45,410 --> 00:23:50,540
found it on a boat trafficking like
510
00:23:46,789 --> 00:23:52,190
roots in the furnace there is no there's
511
00:23:50,539 --> 00:23:54,859
no way they went you wanted Africa it
512
00:23:52,190 --> 00:24:00,350
went definitely not no no oh come on why
513
00:23:54,859 --> 00:24:04,669
don't you wanna go to Africa come on why
514
00:24:00,349 --> 00:24:08,799
didn't you wanna go to Africa well that
515
00:24:04,670 --> 00:24:08,800
shouldn't affect you it shouldn't
516
00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:14,609
so just be careful with that charity
517
00:24:12,750 --> 00:24:16,200
[ __ ] particularly at Christmas that's
518
00:24:14,609 --> 00:24:19,859
when they get ya they give your guilt
519
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:21,240
trip at Christmas all the adverts have a
520
00:24:19,859 --> 00:24:22,888
charity at Christmas just sitting home
521
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,990
on yeah having your Christmas lunch
522
00:24:22,888 --> 00:24:27,048
loves our food too much food probably
523
00:24:24,990 --> 00:24:29,009
don't throw a lot of it away right and
524
00:24:27,048 --> 00:24:31,200
things like this come on the telly this
525
00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:34,200
runs every christmas day in england it
526
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:36,870
goes is there an old lady near you cold
527
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:41,970
and lonely this christmas yeah [ __ ]
528
00:24:36,869 --> 00:24:44,398
hater nosy [ __ ] winds me up all year
529
00:24:41,970 --> 00:24:47,700
round okay I can't wait for the cold
530
00:24:44,398 --> 00:24:49,469
weather there's no old lady near me she
531
00:24:47,700 --> 00:24:51,480
died last year of hypothermia so
532
00:24:49,470 --> 00:24:55,620
resolved yeah brilliant
533
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:57,599
um another big one is a doggies for life
534
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,278
not just for Christmas right behind that
535
00:24:57,599 --> 00:25:00,628
I'm really into animal welfare and
536
00:24:59,278 --> 00:25:02,159
that's obviously aimed at parents whose
537
00:25:00,628 --> 00:25:03,599
kids go can I have a copy can I have a
538
00:25:02,159 --> 00:25:04,830
puppy and I don't know can I have a
539
00:25:03,599 --> 00:25:06,569
puppy can over off and I get them a
540
00:25:04,829 --> 00:25:08,398
puppy to shut them up right and the kid
541
00:25:06,569 --> 00:25:09,720
likes it when it's cute it grows up he
542
00:25:08,398 --> 00:25:11,278
gets other interest gets ball with the
543
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,960
dog they lumber the parents with it the
544
00:25:11,278 --> 00:25:16,019
parents get bored with it they abandon
545
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:18,329
it in England last year which is
546
00:25:16,019 --> 00:25:19,829
terrible and I think you know kids
547
00:25:18,329 --> 00:25:21,269
should have pets I think it teaches them
548
00:25:19,829 --> 00:25:22,678
life lessons I haven't got kids of my
549
00:25:21,269 --> 00:25:24,269
own but loads and Lisa nephews and
550
00:25:22,679 --> 00:25:26,070
they've got kids their own now and I
551
00:25:24,269 --> 00:25:27,028
want to be a cool uncle and give them
552
00:25:26,069 --> 00:25:28,678
what they want but I want to be a
553
00:25:27,028 --> 00:25:30,450
responsible one too and not a stray
554
00:25:28,679 --> 00:25:32,220
problem but I think I've solved the
555
00:25:30,450 --> 00:25:33,629
dilemma is it tit this is what I do
556
00:25:32,220 --> 00:25:35,788
anyway you got away to a Christmas Eve
557
00:25:33,628 --> 00:25:37,740
and always go to an animal rescue centre
558
00:25:35,788 --> 00:25:39,450
not a breeder and I'd go along to and
559
00:25:37,740 --> 00:25:42,120
almost resent her Christmas Eve and I go
560
00:25:39,450 --> 00:25:44,639
to the veterinary part and run they've
561
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:46,709
usually got my cat run it's been born
562
00:25:44,638 --> 00:25:48,808
sort of disabled with no quality of life
563
00:25:46,710 --> 00:25:49,319
and they're just putting that out of its
564
00:25:48,808 --> 00:25:51,528
misery
565
00:25:49,319 --> 00:25:55,470
but I don't go no don't kill that one
566
00:25:51,528 --> 00:25:58,159
I'll take that one and I go it's only
567
00:25:55,470 --> 00:25:58,159
gonna live a day
568
00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:12,649
so so and I'm run over go don't die yet
569
00:26:05,059 --> 00:26:15,079
don't die yet call my name she comes
570
00:26:12,650 --> 00:26:16,519
running Uncle Ricky got your puppy who
571
00:26:15,079 --> 00:26:17,389
don't be a puppy yeah your best uncle
572
00:26:16,519 --> 00:26:20,440
bought your puppy
573
00:26:17,390 --> 00:26:22,910
yeah go climb it quick go play with it
574
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,559
and she tags it to bed with her
575
00:26:22,910 --> 00:26:26,750
Christmas Amy when she sleeps heard she
576
00:26:24,559 --> 00:26:29,539
wakes up Christmas Day is dead cold
577
00:26:26,750 --> 00:26:30,920
stiff gone so bizarre not a problem
578
00:26:29,539 --> 00:26:34,279
and they always come down the next day
579
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:35,720
okay well my puppy's dead I got all what
580
00:26:34,279 --> 00:26:36,769
the puppy your uncle got you into this
581
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,839
bit and whatever happened after that
582
00:26:36,769 --> 00:26:48,440
isn't this problem I go yeah I go oh
583
00:26:38,839 --> 00:26:51,049
maybe you rolled over in the night no
584
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:57,289
you didn't kill your puppy Jesus killed
585
00:26:51,049 --> 00:26:58,609
your puppy on his birthday cuz you
586
00:26:57,289 --> 00:27:00,408
didn't spend enough on your uncle's
587
00:26:58,609 --> 00:27:02,298
Christmas present
588
00:27:00,409 --> 00:27:04,940
I usually but though ideas up the next
589
00:27:02,298 --> 00:27:07,579
year the other big campaign a Christmas
590
00:27:04,940 --> 00:27:09,528
don't drink and drive right behind that
591
00:27:07,579 --> 00:27:11,449
as well a lot more stigma attached to
592
00:27:09,528 --> 00:27:12,589
that these days when I was growing up it
593
00:27:11,450 --> 00:27:14,480
was whether you've got away with it or
594
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:16,220
not the people now know it's or it's it
595
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:18,288
wrecks lives I'd be getting in the car
596
00:27:16,220 --> 00:27:20,149
when I was a kid with grown ups family I
597
00:27:18,288 --> 00:27:21,408
have a go no you can't you can't drive
598
00:27:20,148 --> 00:27:23,629
if you got too much to drink and I go so
599
00:27:21,409 --> 00:27:25,100
I won't get caught and then and but now
600
00:27:23,630 --> 00:27:26,840
that people know that's that's what I've
601
00:27:25,099 --> 00:27:28,278
done it once and I'm not proud of it I'm
602
00:27:26,839 --> 00:27:29,658
[ __ ] ashamed of it and that was
603
00:27:28,278 --> 00:27:29,929
Christmas I wasn't drunk I was over the
604
00:27:29,659 --> 00:27:31,880
limit
605
00:27:29,929 --> 00:27:33,590
and I took the car out and I knew I
606
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:35,750
shouldn't I knew I shouldn't be driving
607
00:27:33,589 --> 00:27:38,089
but I learned my lesson because I nearly
608
00:27:35,750 --> 00:27:39,740
killed an old woman and no in the end I
609
00:27:38,089 --> 00:27:49,699
didn't kill her in the end I just raped
610
00:27:39,740 --> 00:27:51,500
her as I say nothing came of it luckily
611
00:27:49,700 --> 00:27:54,778
for me a thousand to one shots you have
612
00:27:51,500 --> 00:28:00,569
Alzheimer's so um
613
00:27:54,778 --> 00:28:02,609
not a credible witness um spiders Oh
614
00:28:00,569 --> 00:28:05,019
spiders they're always ready aren't they
615
00:28:02,609 --> 00:28:06,398
who's ready for they're always ready for
616
00:28:05,019 --> 00:28:07,960
action a spider it's always completely
617
00:28:06,398 --> 00:28:10,388
[ __ ] ready for action like that
618
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:12,009
always ready for action always I mean
619
00:28:10,388 --> 00:28:14,648
some animals are sometimes ready you
620
00:28:12,009 --> 00:28:16,028
start on a car and it go boom for a few
621
00:28:14,648 --> 00:28:18,219
seconds and it goes back to chill with
622
00:28:16,028 --> 00:28:20,319
most the time a cat it's just laying on
623
00:28:18,220 --> 00:28:22,450
the floor in it just on this side all
624
00:28:20,319 --> 00:28:24,308
four limbs just stretched out in one
625
00:28:22,450 --> 00:28:26,590
direction you will never see a spider
626
00:28:24,308 --> 00:28:28,028
like that you will never see a spider
627
00:28:26,589 --> 00:28:30,158
just lying on the carpet
628
00:28:28,028 --> 00:28:33,339
all right it's head down and all light
629
00:28:30,159 --> 00:28:36,429
legs just stretched out they're always
630
00:28:33,339 --> 00:28:38,769
ready okay and it was ready in every
631
00:28:36,429 --> 00:28:41,710
direction like the [ __ ] matrix like
632
00:28:38,769 --> 00:28:43,808
that they don't have to turn they've got
633
00:28:41,710 --> 00:28:44,889
ten eyes eight legs and ten eyes it's
634
00:28:43,808 --> 00:28:46,119
over the top okay
635
00:28:44,888 --> 00:28:47,199
and they're even ready where you don't
636
00:28:46,119 --> 00:28:48,428
think they're ready you can see an empty
637
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:50,379
web okay and you go
638
00:28:48,429 --> 00:28:52,659
that's fire doesn't already know touch
639
00:28:50,378 --> 00:28:53,349
the web well touch the web and it's
640
00:28:52,659 --> 00:28:57,629
there
641
00:28:53,349 --> 00:28:57,628
I [ __ ] hate them
642
00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:04,840
37,000 different species of spider
643
00:29:01,890 --> 00:29:06,640
37,000 different species of spider I
644
00:29:04,839 --> 00:29:08,919
mean millions and billions of
645
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:11,440
individuals in each species and that's
646
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:13,900
just one class arachnid of one phylum
647
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:17,110
Arthropoda there could be five million
648
00:29:13,900 --> 00:29:20,110
species of animal alive now on the earth
649
00:29:17,109 --> 00:29:22,149
best guess okay and that's one percent
650
00:29:20,109 --> 00:29:24,609
of all animal species that have ever
651
00:29:22,150 --> 00:29:26,290
existed ninety-nine percent of all
652
00:29:24,609 --> 00:29:28,839
animal species that ever existed are now
653
00:29:26,289 --> 00:29:32,349
extinct and that remaining one percent
654
00:29:28,839 --> 00:29:35,399
is 5 million strong take one of those
655
00:29:32,349 --> 00:29:39,639
species termites if we were to weigh
656
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:42,280
every termite alive now it would be ten
657
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:44,830
times the tonnage of every human being
658
00:29:42,279 --> 00:29:46,210
on earth and it statistics like that
659
00:29:44,829 --> 00:29:48,539
that make me think that this book isn't
660
00:29:46,210 --> 00:29:48,539
totally accurate
661
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:56,108
[Applause]
662
00:29:56,929 --> 00:30:04,379
it's the book of Noah the children's
663
00:30:01,589 --> 00:30:05,730
edition and I actually got this awarded
664
00:30:04,378 --> 00:30:07,199
to me when I used to go to Sunday school
665
00:30:05,730 --> 00:30:12,929
every week I believed in all this till I
666
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:15,389
was eight it's an ADD miss Sunday school
667
00:30:12,929 --> 00:30:20,330
presented to Ricky Gervais is are I
668
00:30:15,388 --> 00:30:20,329
double K I got a [ __ ] mongoose
669
00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:28,919
for regular attendance not even being
670
00:30:26,970 --> 00:30:31,048
good anything just for turning up right
671
00:30:28,919 --> 00:30:38,090
he's always there give him a prize every
672
00:30:31,048 --> 00:30:41,009
bad let's have a look at the evidence
673
00:30:38,089 --> 00:30:43,199
long long ago when God first made the
674
00:30:41,009 --> 00:30:47,159
earth I let both those points go he only
675
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:48,960
got time right long long ago by the way
676
00:30:47,159 --> 00:30:50,940
according to the Bible was five thousand
677
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:53,249
years according to the Old Testament the
678
00:30:50,940 --> 00:30:55,980
earth is no older than five thousand
679
00:30:53,249 --> 00:31:00,269
years old okay it's actually 4.6 billion
680
00:30:55,980 --> 00:31:02,489
years old let's pop down popper 4.6
681
00:31:00,269 --> 00:31:05,368
billion years ago when God first made
682
00:31:02,489 --> 00:31:07,350
the earth and sky I don't bigger up it's
683
00:31:05,368 --> 00:31:08,839
like it comes as a package really
684
00:31:07,349 --> 00:31:11,418
doesn't that mean
685
00:31:08,839 --> 00:31:14,269
Jemaine the sky was never an optional
686
00:31:11,419 --> 00:31:15,379
extra it's like it made your planet I
687
00:31:14,269 --> 00:31:20,620
can't breathe would you like an outlets
688
00:31:15,378 --> 00:31:20,619
because I [ __ ] would so well done
689
00:31:20,950 --> 00:31:25,669
everything was peaceful everything
690
00:31:23,179 --> 00:31:27,169
beautiful God made human beings too and
691
00:31:25,669 --> 00:31:31,999
he wanted them to be good like himself
692
00:31:27,169 --> 00:31:34,278
arrogant but very soon they wanted their
693
00:31:31,999 --> 00:31:36,079
own way they would not listen to God
694
00:31:34,278 --> 00:31:40,128
they became wicked and did wicked things
695
00:31:36,079 --> 00:31:41,329
look I'm doing wicked things there you
696
00:31:40,128 --> 00:31:44,109
don't get much more wicked than that
697
00:31:41,329 --> 00:31:51,710
there [ __ ] off [ __ ] off with it
698
00:31:44,109 --> 00:31:53,508
[ __ ] off wicked God just looking on Oh
699
00:31:51,710 --> 00:31:59,480
carry on see what happens see one please
700
00:31:53,509 --> 00:32:02,240
don't see weapons blown off with a big
701
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:06,889
bag of money don't put it in a bank you
702
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:07,368
can buy God looked at them and said to
703
00:32:06,888 --> 00:32:09,979
himself
704
00:32:07,368 --> 00:32:13,388
they are so wicked I would have to wipe
705
00:32:09,980 --> 00:32:18,339
them off the face of the earth really
706
00:32:13,388 --> 00:32:18,339
really straight to genocide
707
00:32:18,808 --> 00:32:25,240
what happened to one verbal and two
708
00:32:21,128 --> 00:32:27,990
written warnings straight to the
709
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:30,490
annihilation of the entire human race
710
00:32:27,990 --> 00:32:50,288
because of fatty yellow trousers pick
711
00:32:30,490 --> 00:32:58,389
someone's nose I read that to karl
712
00:32:50,288 --> 00:33:02,259
Pilkington right yes yes [ __ ] orange
713
00:32:58,388 --> 00:33:04,269
I know yeah and I read that bit to him
714
00:33:02,259 --> 00:33:09,940
they are so wicked I lost face the end
715
00:33:04,269 --> 00:33:12,339
and karl said he sounds gay I said what
716
00:33:09,940 --> 00:33:14,860
you mean he went some gays are a bit
717
00:33:12,339 --> 00:33:23,619
like that he thought God was like having
718
00:33:14,859 --> 00:33:28,319
a hissy fit I said Karl God is not gay
719
00:33:23,619 --> 00:33:28,319
ok read the Bible he hates them
720
00:33:31,390 --> 00:33:36,259
they are so wicked I don't have to wipe
721
00:33:34,099 --> 00:33:40,009
them off the face at the earth and every
722
00:33:36,259 --> 00:33:46,579
living thing we clone what's the squeeze
723
00:33:40,009 --> 00:33:49,940
ever done but he's not guy God is not
724
00:33:46,579 --> 00:33:52,278
gay but there was one man who was still
725
00:33:49,940 --> 00:33:54,288
very good his name was Noah he was a
726
00:33:52,278 --> 00:33:59,900
friend of God just a friend
727
00:33:54,288 --> 00:34:04,509
so don't know just a friend a friend
728
00:33:59,900 --> 00:34:04,509
with big hoop earrings
729
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:19,650
[Applause]
730
00:34:13,789 --> 00:34:21,809
Rouge what what she do
731
00:34:19,650 --> 00:34:28,730
he lives in a Caillou what's he doing
732
00:34:21,809 --> 00:34:28,730
with this what what you doing seeing God
733
00:34:31,829 --> 00:34:35,250
you never know
734
00:34:35,730 --> 00:34:39,119
handlebar moustache
735
00:34:39,690 --> 00:34:56,789
holding God's hand who's wearing a
736
00:34:43,659 --> 00:34:56,789
blouse God is not gay God said to Noah
737
00:34:57,480 --> 00:35:01,340
I am so angry with men
738
00:35:02,210 --> 00:35:13,960
[Applause]
739
00:35:05,289 --> 00:35:16,690
you mean men and women whatever I'm so
740
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:18,880
angry with men that have made my mind up
741
00:35:16,690 --> 00:35:20,889
to destroy them all I have stretched my
742
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:24,809
bow in the sky is a rainbow that's got
743
00:35:20,889 --> 00:35:24,809
me in the world's first pawn hasn't it
744
00:35:24,929 --> 00:35:30,039
it will make so much rain fall down on
745
00:35:27,550 --> 00:35:34,810
earth so everything will be drowned but
746
00:35:30,039 --> 00:35:36,429
not you Oh it'll build an ark you must
747
00:35:34,809 --> 00:35:37,869
be like a big boat with three decks and
748
00:35:36,429 --> 00:35:41,049
a roof over it yeah I know how to build
749
00:35:37,869 --> 00:35:42,549
a boat mate and you will make a door in
750
00:35:41,050 --> 00:35:45,760
the side of it do you think complete
751
00:35:42,550 --> 00:35:48,730
idiot I don't know I did exactly what
752
00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:52,180
God told him and then God said to Noah
753
00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:53,860
now okay okay now this is aimed at
754
00:35:52,179 --> 00:35:56,589
children of medli but it's taken from
755
00:35:53,860 --> 00:35:58,180
the Old Testament story in the Bible but
756
00:35:56,590 --> 00:36:01,780
I don't think the author of this book is
757
00:35:58,179 --> 00:36:03,669
a zoologist as we've said there could be
758
00:36:01,780 --> 00:36:04,930
five million species of animal I don't
759
00:36:03,670 --> 00:36:06,730
think he knows them all the way backs
760
00:36:04,929 --> 00:36:09,399
out very quickly in this next sentence
761
00:36:06,730 --> 00:36:11,139
okay I want you to take two of every
762
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:15,930
kind of animal with you into the ark two
763
00:36:11,139 --> 00:36:15,929
lions two tigers two elephants so on
764
00:36:19,050 --> 00:36:25,590
what about lions tigers elephants so on
765
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:30,990
on you go
766
00:36:28,699 --> 00:36:33,058
look after them well and keep them alive
767
00:36:30,989 --> 00:36:34,259
and now I did what God said now I wanted
768
00:36:33,059 --> 00:36:37,740
to study that scenario
769
00:36:34,260 --> 00:36:39,299
okay so God is angry with mankind he's
770
00:36:37,739 --> 00:36:41,278
fed up than their wicked but it's gonna
771
00:36:39,298 --> 00:36:44,880
wipe him out and just start again with
772
00:36:41,278 --> 00:36:47,869
no and his wife he's aimed with the
773
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:50,338
animals too for some reason I don't know
774
00:36:47,869 --> 00:36:52,170
so he's gonna start again with just two
775
00:36:50,338 --> 00:36:54,929
of each species cause a flood they build
776
00:36:52,170 --> 00:36:57,720
not know goes right chew every spoon to
777
00:36:54,929 --> 00:37:03,328
just do it quick first - there's a
778
00:36:57,719 --> 00:37:06,019
stampede two elephants two chickens just
779
00:37:03,329 --> 00:37:06,019
walking
780
00:37:12,449 --> 00:37:25,889
it's no rush just rolling baby I think
781
00:37:23,230 --> 00:37:31,469
this one is a bit more concerned than
782
00:37:25,889 --> 00:37:34,889
this one this one's probably going
783
00:37:31,469 --> 00:37:34,889
should we fly
784
00:37:41,150 --> 00:37:51,980
no no don't you do this all night
785
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:02,899
[Applause]
786
00:38:09,699 --> 00:38:27,399
sure yeah I mean we we've got wings
787
00:38:21,119 --> 00:38:31,088
you've got feet as well why don't you
788
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:33,329
want to push in the elephants looking at
789
00:38:31,088 --> 00:38:33,328
me funny
790
00:38:40,989 --> 00:38:51,129
yeah my [ __ ] hammer if you try to
791
00:38:48,338 --> 00:38:55,269
push it I'm gonna stamp on you you you
792
00:38:51,130 --> 00:38:57,980
big nose [ __ ] hold on there were you
793
00:38:55,269 --> 00:39:02,759
called it big boners
794
00:38:57,980 --> 00:39:03,630
would you mean no just pot calling
795
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:05,220
kettle black
796
00:39:03,630 --> 00:39:07,890
what the [ __ ] does that mean what is pot
797
00:39:05,219 --> 00:39:11,250
we know for pots but I'll forget it I
798
00:39:07,889 --> 00:39:17,449
can't forget I'm a better phone
799
00:39:11,250 --> 00:39:21,420
[Applause]
800
00:39:17,449 --> 00:39:24,929
two camels two lions two ostriches two
801
00:39:21,420 --> 00:39:28,740
leopards two tigers two zebra ah here's
802
00:39:24,929 --> 00:39:31,019
the crux of my point just one species on
803
00:39:28,739 --> 00:39:33,959
the ark of the moment he drops they've
804
00:39:31,019 --> 00:39:36,750
got their first longer legs okay five
805
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:39,630
million more species to to get on that
806
00:39:36,750 --> 00:39:42,449
so sure of it so to two animals on the
807
00:39:39,630 --> 00:39:45,660
ark 11 10 million more animals to go 10
808
00:39:42,449 --> 00:39:49,289
million more of those okay 10 million
809
00:39:45,659 --> 00:39:51,829
okay as far as 10 million of them to get
810
00:39:49,289 --> 00:39:54,269
on there just to on there at the moment
811
00:39:51,829 --> 00:40:02,389
look how much room there already taken
812
00:39:54,269 --> 00:40:04,730
up it's a third capacity
813
00:40:02,389 --> 00:40:12,259
what's it going to be like on there when
814
00:40:04,730 --> 00:40:14,059
these two fat pants get on it then God
815
00:40:12,260 --> 00:40:15,830
better buy of his anger in the rain came
816
00:40:14,059 --> 00:40:18,349
flooding down covering the earth with
817
00:40:15,829 --> 00:40:19,969
water it rained for 40 days and nights
818
00:40:18,349 --> 00:40:21,829
the flood water rose higher and higher
819
00:40:19,969 --> 00:40:24,199
until it covered the tops of the highest
820
00:40:21,829 --> 00:40:26,509
mountains every living thing was drowned
821
00:40:24,199 --> 00:40:32,719
except Noah and the animals in the ark
822
00:40:26,510 --> 00:40:33,380
and the fish they were fine fine they
823
00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:35,029
would loving it
824
00:40:33,380 --> 00:40:37,280
they were better off in fact all the sea
825
00:40:35,030 --> 00:40:38,900
creatures I mean mountains underwater
826
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:41,150
their domain had increased like tenfold
827
00:40:38,900 --> 00:40:49,760
also so much more interesting you got
828
00:40:41,150 --> 00:40:51,530
crabs going I think of that when you see
829
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:53,900
on the news like if there's a little
830
00:40:51,530 --> 00:40:55,310
village in Gloucester I did or something
831
00:40:53,900 --> 00:40:56,720
it's really sad you see people they've
832
00:40:55,309 --> 00:40:58,549
lost their homes and they're in dinghies
833
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:59,739
and they're carrying their pets and you
834
00:40:58,550 --> 00:41:02,750
see a little row of antique shops
835
00:40:59,739 --> 00:41:04,729
complete the end of
836
00:41:02,750 --> 00:41:07,260
to be the winner of our teacher the
837
00:41:04,730 --> 00:41:11,139
first time
838
00:41:07,260 --> 00:41:14,619
[Music]
839
00:41:11,139 --> 00:41:14,618
philosophy at all
840
00:41:17,739 --> 00:41:22,358
[Music]
841
00:41:19,798 --> 00:41:25,659
over the width of the arc of the bow the
842
00:41:22,358 --> 00:41:28,420
war seems to be going down the house
843
00:41:25,659 --> 00:41:29,569
[Music]
844
00:41:28,420 --> 00:41:31,588
come on again
845
00:41:29,570 --> 00:41:35,930
[Music]
846
00:41:31,588 --> 00:41:35,929
they celebrate now listen kite flying
847
00:41:36,010 --> 00:41:39,000
no wait a week
848
00:41:39,489 --> 00:41:56,439
[Music]
849
00:41:53,199 --> 00:42:08,460
got something going all the right
850
00:41:56,440 --> 00:42:08,460
[Music]
851
00:42:10,900 --> 00:42:16,329
[Music]
852
00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:17,820
oh I forgot to thank you beside me I
853
00:42:16,329 --> 00:42:19,799
never said
854
00:42:17,820 --> 00:42:21,250
- Frenchie with you I would never get to
855
00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:24,420
the floods destroyed
856
00:42:21,250 --> 00:42:27,608
right Bo what's up with the sky
857
00:42:24,420 --> 00:42:30,088
that's total peace we assigned a
858
00:42:27,608 --> 00:42:30,088
fraction
859
00:42:30,349 --> 00:42:43,519
[Music]
860
00:42:40,329 --> 00:42:47,019
it'll be a sign of my fake job
861
00:42:43,519 --> 00:42:49,380
my son Jesus when they prove my
862
00:42:47,019 --> 00:42:56,730
you'll see
863
00:42:49,380 --> 00:42:56,730
[Music]
864
00:42:57,469 --> 00:43:01,949
and says when you have done wrong you're
865
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:05,400
feeling very solemn I think of the
866
00:43:01,949 --> 00:43:07,199
rainbow and the peace which God has
867
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:09,329
promised to be your friend promised to
868
00:43:07,199 --> 00:43:12,210
be his and that's just one of trial in
869
00:43:09,329 --> 00:43:14,489
the dub boxes I've only got one number
870
00:43:12,210 --> 00:43:16,559
nine now I think my favorite would be
871
00:43:14,489 --> 00:43:23,869
number eight just from the title Jesus
872
00:43:16,559 --> 00:43:23,869
and the [ __ ] thank you Cheers
873
00:43:28,909 --> 00:43:31,659
I am
874
00:43:32,719 --> 00:43:39,230
I read that whole book to Carl and he
875
00:43:37,940 --> 00:43:42,740
believed it all why wouldn't he it's
876
00:43:39,230 --> 00:43:44,719
written down and um I said Carl think
877
00:43:42,739 --> 00:43:45,199
how could I get 10 million animals on a
878
00:43:44,719 --> 00:43:46,848
boat
879
00:43:45,199 --> 00:43:49,368
Carl when I said it was a big boat yet
880
00:43:46,849 --> 00:43:52,550
they did that's true I said but they're
881
00:43:49,369 --> 00:43:54,349
all part of the food chain they would
882
00:43:52,550 --> 00:43:55,640
have literally had to have eaten each
883
00:43:54,349 --> 00:43:58,400
other to survive
884
00:43:55,639 --> 00:44:00,650
why didn't lion eat the antelope why did
885
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:02,630
the spider eat the fly and Carl said
886
00:44:00,650 --> 00:44:09,230
because in a crisis you all pull
887
00:44:02,630 --> 00:44:11,450
together amazing I'd love to do a book
888
00:44:09,230 --> 00:44:13,338
of his quotes I love books of quotations
889
00:44:11,449 --> 00:44:14,989
I love just reading them for pleasure
890
00:44:13,338 --> 00:44:16,730
I've got a few of these compilations and
891
00:44:14,989 --> 00:44:21,529
then one of my heroes is Winston
892
00:44:16,730 --> 00:44:23,780
Churchill and when I read give us the
893
00:44:21,530 --> 00:44:26,410
tools and we will finish the job I
894
00:44:23,780 --> 00:44:29,000
thought how inspiring and when I read
895
00:44:26,409 --> 00:44:31,338
never in the field of human conflict so
896
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:34,130
much owed by so many to so few I thought
897
00:44:31,338 --> 00:44:36,108
how patriotic and when I read it has a
898
00:44:34,130 --> 00:44:37,220
good thing for an uneducated man to read
899
00:44:36,108 --> 00:44:46,250
books of quotations
900
00:44:37,219 --> 00:44:48,439
I thought you cheeky fat git people
901
00:44:46,250 --> 00:44:50,088
always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the
902
00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:51,740
greatest genius that's ever lived let's
903
00:44:50,088 --> 00:44:54,380
have a look at the evidence okay here's
904
00:44:51,739 --> 00:44:56,779
one of his all women become like their
905
00:44:54,380 --> 00:45:04,010
mothers that is their tragedy no man
906
00:44:56,780 --> 00:45:10,490
does that is his that sounds a bit gay
907
00:45:04,010 --> 00:45:12,140
to me there's another one I couldn't
908
00:45:10,489 --> 00:45:17,209
help it I can resist everything except
909
00:45:12,139 --> 00:45:19,699
temptation sounds gay as well I want to
910
00:45:17,210 --> 00:45:23,449
I want to go oh good now pitch you're
911
00:45:19,699 --> 00:45:24,379
not I mean I want to end it with I can
912
00:45:23,449 --> 00:45:27,980
resist everything except temptation
913
00:45:24,380 --> 00:45:30,079
chance to be a fun thing and when he
914
00:45:27,980 --> 00:45:31,880
went through customs in New York all
915
00:45:30,079 --> 00:45:32,599
those years ago and the customs officer
916
00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:34,700
just doing his job
917
00:45:32,599 --> 00:45:36,440
sent have your own things declare Oscar
918
00:45:34,699 --> 00:45:41,029
Wilde famously said nothing but my
919
00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:42,470
genius wasn't witty I bet he planned
920
00:45:41,030 --> 00:45:43,640
that I bet the first time we went
921
00:45:42,469 --> 00:45:45,439
through customs in the foreign country
922
00:45:43,639 --> 00:45:51,769
was all yes sir no sir and leave declare
923
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:54,559
no thanks on you go I'm always doing
924
00:45:51,769 --> 00:45:56,389
that excuse me can I go back to it now
925
00:45:54,559 --> 00:45:57,679
oh yeah it's wait weeks in those days
926
00:45:56,389 --> 00:45:59,150
back on the boat to England just think
927
00:45:57,679 --> 00:46:00,828
that right they say that again and then
928
00:45:59,150 --> 00:46:02,599
declare nothing what would genius happen
929
00:46:00,829 --> 00:46:05,060
in a boat a Shinzo it gets there okay
930
00:46:02,599 --> 00:46:07,099
weeks later finds the same bloke goes up
931
00:46:05,059 --> 00:46:09,909
to him there's an ego didn't even
932
00:46:07,099 --> 00:46:09,910
[ __ ] ask me that
933
00:46:12,150 --> 00:46:16,720
excuse me I didn't ask me violent random
934
00:46:14,679 --> 00:46:17,949
[ __ ] random right back on the boat
935
00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:19,929
three weeks later okay
936
00:46:17,949 --> 00:46:21,039
gets there at this time finds the same
937
00:46:19,929 --> 00:46:24,599
bloke this time he starting looking
938
00:46:21,039 --> 00:46:24,599
shifty so he gets picked out
939
00:46:26,679 --> 00:46:30,789
did you buy anything that's not the
940
00:46:29,059 --> 00:46:33,679
question
941
00:46:30,789 --> 00:46:35,090
saving lives declare okay have you
942
00:46:33,679 --> 00:46:39,159
anything to declare nothing but my
943
00:46:35,090 --> 00:46:39,160
genius who's the but folks I'm I'm
944
00:46:42,429 --> 00:46:47,179
incarcerated in red in jail for
945
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:50,059
homosexuality we've come a long way from
946
00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:51,259
being punishable to total equality as it
947
00:46:50,059 --> 00:46:52,969
should be of course and England the
948
00:46:51,260 --> 00:46:56,690
gauge of consent same as heterosexuality
949
00:46:52,969 --> 00:46:59,269
now 16 and even gay marriage although
950
00:46:56,690 --> 00:47:00,860
ironically the one place that was really
951
00:46:59,269 --> 00:47:03,230
ahead of the game fell behind a little
952
00:47:00,860 --> 00:47:05,030
at the last election California they had
953
00:47:03,230 --> 00:47:07,820
a referendum they put it to the vote and
954
00:47:05,030 --> 00:47:10,280
they voted no to gay marriage I mean in
955
00:47:07,820 --> 00:47:11,180
California there's people going that's
956
00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:14,090
why we moved here
957
00:47:11,179 --> 00:47:15,409
I mean it's a strange sort of bigotry
958
00:47:14,090 --> 00:47:16,910
that you can affect someone else's
959
00:47:15,409 --> 00:47:18,469
lifestyle that doesn't affect you back
960
00:47:16,909 --> 00:47:20,329
it's not that they asked a bloke once
961
00:47:18,469 --> 00:47:22,429
said sorry um do you mind if these two
962
00:47:20,329 --> 00:47:30,619
men get married they went no fine okay
963
00:47:22,429 --> 00:47:31,969
Jack I'm off then it's also a strange
964
00:47:30,619 --> 00:47:34,429
sort of bigotry because these people
965
00:47:31,969 --> 00:47:36,259
that object that presumably the same
966
00:47:34,429 --> 00:47:38,750
people that said you know gay people
967
00:47:36,260 --> 00:47:39,980
were immoral and promiscuous and now
968
00:47:38,750 --> 00:47:41,659
they don't have to be monogamous and
969
00:47:39,980 --> 00:47:43,219
respectful in the eyes of God and must
970
00:47:41,659 --> 00:47:45,319
be so confused it to a gay guy in
971
00:47:43,219 --> 00:47:46,609
California thinking that's the bit they
972
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:48,769
don't like with all the other [ __ ] we
973
00:47:46,610 --> 00:47:50,660
get up to it's the marriage bit let miss
974
00:47:48,769 --> 00:47:52,909
so confuse they must go to judges and go
975
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:54,230
so can I get the rules straight what you
976
00:47:52,909 --> 00:47:55,279
want to know I just didn't know what we
977
00:47:54,230 --> 00:47:59,570
can and can't do
978
00:47:55,280 --> 00:48:02,450
ask away go to marry a man no go [ __ ]
979
00:47:59,570 --> 00:48:05,450
the ass I give him a little reach-around
980
00:48:02,449 --> 00:48:05,449
please
981
00:48:06,079 --> 00:48:23,449
Oh Mario but in the little can I pick up
982
00:48:21,050 --> 00:48:24,769
a stranger in the bushes and take him
983
00:48:23,449 --> 00:48:32,269
home and is a mammoth Roma in the
984
00:48:24,769 --> 00:48:34,539
morning all crusty and homeless no no
985
00:48:32,269 --> 00:48:38,539
and don't ask again
986
00:48:34,539 --> 00:48:47,980
come on line up 15 men I'm just riffing
987
00:48:38,539 --> 00:48:47,980
here and just jack him off for a laugh
988
00:48:48,730 --> 00:48:52,130
be difficult wouldn't it
989
00:48:50,570 --> 00:48:56,120
jacket off 50 minute one it'll be like
990
00:48:52,130 --> 00:48:58,190
plate-spinning because you know you
991
00:48:56,119 --> 00:49:00,079
could either two at once really so you
992
00:48:58,190 --> 00:49:03,730
have these two ready to blow but then
993
00:49:00,079 --> 00:49:03,730
they'd be losing your clothes
994
00:49:03,940 --> 00:49:09,639
[Applause]
995
00:49:12,869 --> 00:49:19,660
and in that going jacket off 15-minute
996
00:49:15,940 --> 00:49:26,260
ones never thought I'd say that ah again
997
00:49:19,659 --> 00:49:29,259
oh there's these people that say being
998
00:49:26,260 --> 00:49:32,850
gay isn't natural well it is natural and
999
00:49:29,260 --> 00:49:32,850
I've got a book to prove it
1000
00:49:34,110 --> 00:49:40,480
homosexuality occurs in about the same
1001
00:49:37,570 --> 00:49:43,420
incidence in the animal kingdom as it
1002
00:49:40,480 --> 00:49:46,199
does in human society this is a real
1003
00:49:43,420 --> 00:49:48,700
book it's called biological exuberance
1004
00:49:46,199 --> 00:49:53,409
animal homosexuality and natural
1005
00:49:48,699 --> 00:49:55,149
diversity by Bruce bugger mill okay the
1006
00:49:53,409 --> 00:49:57,339
evidence is compelling and it seems
1007
00:49:55,150 --> 00:49:59,829
there is virtually no species which does
1008
00:49:57,340 --> 00:50:01,720
not have its gay community that doesn't
1009
00:49:59,829 --> 00:50:03,519
mean like chimps on one particular
1010
00:50:01,719 --> 00:50:08,368
street wearing leather caps and start
1011
00:50:03,519 --> 00:50:11,829
this they sort of spread it out more
1012
00:50:08,369 --> 00:50:13,110
really this is a real book and we have
1013
00:50:11,829 --> 00:50:17,719
the first slide please
1014
00:50:13,110 --> 00:50:21,450
right okay right
1015
00:50:17,719 --> 00:50:29,519
this is a real book okay
1016
00:50:21,449 --> 00:50:33,980
right absolutely real okay two-mile
1017
00:50:29,519 --> 00:50:37,489
Stumptown macaques in mutual fellatio
1018
00:50:33,980 --> 00:50:40,500
they're sharing their sharing the road
1019
00:50:37,489 --> 00:50:45,239
next slide okay
1020
00:50:40,500 --> 00:50:49,940
a male squirrel monkey right performing
1021
00:50:45,239 --> 00:50:49,939
a general display toward another male uh
1022
00:50:50,179 --> 00:50:59,029
he's just going what do you think of
1023
00:50:52,500 --> 00:50:59,030
that and this one's going what
1024
00:51:02,329 --> 00:51:09,620
okay is it land
1025
00:51:04,048 --> 00:51:11,420
why cuz we're gay I'm not you [ __ ] on
1026
00:51:09,619 --> 00:51:23,779
nevermind he's holding him and he's got
1027
00:51:11,420 --> 00:51:25,579
his leg up for extra purchase can you
1028
00:51:23,780 --> 00:51:27,850
imagine my face when I discovered this
1029
00:51:25,579 --> 00:51:27,849
park
1030
00:51:29,440 --> 00:51:32,389
[Music]
1031
00:51:30,849 --> 00:51:38,889
next slide please
1032
00:51:32,389 --> 00:51:43,250
ah okay a female Olympic marmots
1033
00:51:38,889 --> 00:51:47,119
mounting another female now I don't know
1034
00:51:43,250 --> 00:51:51,099
what is in that pride of them unless the
1035
00:51:47,119 --> 00:51:51,099
one on top is wearing a strap-on dildo
1036
00:51:55,380 --> 00:52:01,980
one more one more slide oh this is a
1037
00:51:58,619 --> 00:52:05,489
doozy okay two forms of copulation
1038
00:52:01,980 --> 00:52:09,349
between male dolphins genital slit or
1039
00:52:05,489 --> 00:52:17,569
anal penetration above and below
1040
00:52:09,349 --> 00:52:17,569
blowhole penetration oh yeah oh yeah
1041
00:52:20,420 --> 00:52:29,409
[Applause]
1042
00:52:23,460 --> 00:52:34,170
basically Hey
1043
00:52:29,409 --> 00:52:34,170
is [ __ ] him
1044
00:52:35,949 --> 00:52:41,509
he's [ __ ] in their head like I've
1045
00:52:39,500 --> 00:52:44,300
never seen that on any wildlife
1046
00:52:41,510 --> 00:52:49,150
documentary I've never why I never seen
1047
00:52:44,300 --> 00:52:51,740
that before why are they doing that
1048
00:52:49,150 --> 00:52:58,910
maybe it's not in the wild maybe it's in
1049
00:52:51,739 --> 00:53:02,119
SeaWorld which is like their prison and
1050
00:52:58,909 --> 00:53:04,670
they're going they're going [ __ ] sake
1051
00:53:02,119 --> 00:53:05,809
they've put in two miles I think some
1052
00:53:04,670 --> 00:53:09,829
people think we're fish we might as well
1053
00:53:05,809 --> 00:53:12,250
[ __ ] do it okay I mean look at his
1054
00:53:09,829 --> 00:53:12,250
face
1055
00:53:15,739 --> 00:53:26,269
it's going Dave what good could be could
1056
00:53:23,670 --> 00:53:31,030
we not do it up the ass like them
1057
00:53:26,269 --> 00:53:31,030
no it's in the head or nothing
1058
00:53:33,039 --> 00:53:36,179
Dave what
1059
00:53:34,679 --> 00:53:40,348
[Music]
1060
00:53:36,179 --> 00:53:47,868
what Dave Dave
1061
00:53:40,349 --> 00:53:47,869
I love you but I can't [ __ ] breathe
1062
00:53:48,590 --> 00:53:54,120
[Applause]
1063
00:53:50,889 --> 00:54:00,159
that is a real book that is a real book
1064
00:53:54,119 --> 00:54:02,929
I love the fact that he found like a
1065
00:54:00,159 --> 00:54:07,129
turkey in drag
1066
00:54:02,929 --> 00:54:11,980
to show how guy animals can be the
1067
00:54:07,130 --> 00:54:14,358
gayest animal in the world oh yeah I
1068
00:54:11,980 --> 00:54:16,730
hope I haven't offended anyone with any
1069
00:54:14,358 --> 00:54:18,529
of the subject now I do I do
1070
00:54:16,730 --> 00:54:20,809
that's not the point I don't try and
1071
00:54:18,530 --> 00:54:24,740
offend if I have offended anyone and I'm
1072
00:54:20,809 --> 00:54:26,420
sure I have I don't apologize no I think
1073
00:54:24,739 --> 00:54:27,919
you should you have to be able to
1074
00:54:26,420 --> 00:54:30,079
justify everything you do and I just
1075
00:54:27,920 --> 00:54:31,099
think that a comedian should take you to
1076
00:54:30,079 --> 00:54:31,910
kibou place you haven't been before
1077
00:54:31,099 --> 00:54:33,710
otherwise you could do it yourself
1078
00:54:31,909 --> 00:54:35,960
there's enough anodyne comedy out there
1079
00:54:33,710 --> 00:54:37,789
just doing things obvious stuff that you
1080
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:39,920
know doesn't make it you know any any
1081
00:54:37,789 --> 00:54:41,539
difference at all and there's this spate
1082
00:54:39,920 --> 00:54:43,700
of comedian saying sorry when they go
1083
00:54:41,539 --> 00:54:45,380
too far I'd still you know you should
1084
00:54:43,699 --> 00:54:46,879
they go oh sorry I didn't mean it well
1085
00:54:45,380 --> 00:54:48,470
you should have known better then it's
1086
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:50,480
there's also a witch-hunt at the moment
1087
00:54:48,469 --> 00:54:51,858
with people saying oh is there anything
1088
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:53,539
you shouldn't make a joke about no
1089
00:54:51,858 --> 00:54:57,068
there's nothing you shouldn't joke about
1090
00:54:53,539 --> 00:54:57,068
it depends what the joke is
1091
00:55:00,519 --> 00:55:05,358
comedy comes from a good or a bad place
1092
00:55:03,079 --> 00:55:07,759
and it's for you to decide what what
1093
00:55:05,358 --> 00:55:09,829
that is and I think that there's a big
1094
00:55:07,760 --> 00:55:12,380
debate oh that's sick joke Sophia
1095
00:55:09,829 --> 00:55:15,230
comedian sick jokes no the thing about
1096
00:55:12,380 --> 00:55:17,088
sick jokes when we tell a sick joke it's
1097
00:55:15,230 --> 00:55:19,130
with the express understanding that
1098
00:55:17,088 --> 00:55:20,838
neither part is really like that I
1099
00:55:19,130 --> 00:55:21,619
wouldn't heal a sick joke to a known
1100
00:55:20,838 --> 00:55:23,179
pedophile
1101
00:55:21,619 --> 00:55:26,619
I wouldn't go yeah my you're gonna
1102
00:55:23,179 --> 00:55:26,618
[ __ ] love this more than anyone's son
1103
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:31,130
and I've never been in trouble for
1104
00:55:29,809 --> 00:55:32,599
anything I've said in my professional
1105
00:55:31,130 --> 00:55:33,140
career because I used to apologize what
1106
00:55:32,599 --> 00:55:34,760
can I do
1107
00:55:33,139 --> 00:55:36,409
do you know growing up you know you try
1108
00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:38,300
try things out and you get taken the
1109
00:55:36,409 --> 00:55:43,659
wrong way a little bit not like the
1110
00:55:38,300 --> 00:55:48,380
dolphin I mean you know when I was about
1111
00:55:43,659 --> 00:55:50,239
23 24 um me my girlfriend met up with
1112
00:55:48,380 --> 00:55:51,950
this other couple they'd moved down from
1113
00:55:50,239 --> 00:55:53,539
the north of England to London needs to
1114
00:55:51,949 --> 00:55:54,409
come into play so I used to work and we
1115
00:55:53,539 --> 00:55:55,699
had a couple of drinks with him they
1116
00:55:54,409 --> 00:55:59,239
were cool people and they're fun and
1117
00:55:55,699 --> 00:56:01,309
then after we cut the time they invited
1118
00:55:59,239 --> 00:56:03,289
us to apply at their house and we went
1119
00:56:01,309 --> 00:56:05,960
along one it was a dinner party was they
1120
00:56:03,289 --> 00:56:07,849
haven't warned us about um but - it was
1121
00:56:05,960 --> 00:56:09,199
for their family that had come down from
1122
00:56:07,849 --> 00:56:11,119
the north to see how they were getting
1123
00:56:09,199 --> 00:56:13,569
on and it was both gets their parents
1124
00:56:11,119 --> 00:56:17,329
and grandparents and great uncle's
1125
00:56:13,570 --> 00:56:19,369
average age about 85 I think we were an
1126
00:56:17,329 --> 00:56:20,838
afterthought we thought oh god we don't
1127
00:56:19,369 --> 00:56:23,059
know in our age oh that Ricky and Jane
1128
00:56:20,838 --> 00:56:24,108
know so we went along and we were still
1129
00:56:23,059 --> 00:56:25,460
getting to know them so we just spoke to
1130
00:56:24,108 --> 00:56:28,119
them all night we didn't really mingle
1131
00:56:25,460 --> 00:56:32,659
with it with the older people and then
1132
00:56:28,119 --> 00:56:36,019
as I said we use comedy as a sword and a
1133
00:56:32,659 --> 00:56:37,639
shield and a medicine but usually as
1134
00:56:36,019 --> 00:56:38,630
they're getting to know you okay we use
1135
00:56:37,639 --> 00:56:40,759
comedy to break the ice
1136
00:56:38,630 --> 00:56:42,200
are you like-minded what can you take
1137
00:56:40,760 --> 00:56:43,369
what do you like and I've always sort of
1138
00:56:42,199 --> 00:56:44,659
pushed the boundaries a little bit to
1139
00:56:43,369 --> 00:56:47,838
tie my people laugh at things I didn't
1140
00:56:44,659 --> 00:56:50,118
think they could but you know you know
1141
00:56:47,838 --> 00:56:54,070
everything turns out okay I suppose and
1142
00:56:50,119 --> 00:56:56,300
I started off lightly I told this joke
1143
00:56:54,070 --> 00:57:00,519
why did the little girl fall off the
1144
00:56:56,300 --> 00:57:00,519
swing because she had no arms
1145
00:57:02,329 --> 00:57:07,990
yeah sweet
1146
00:57:05,170 --> 00:57:09,190
and they laughed a little bit louder
1147
00:57:07,989 --> 00:57:11,798
than that there's only two of them so
1148
00:57:09,190 --> 00:57:13,450
thanks right no so I thought okay they
1149
00:57:11,798 --> 00:57:15,429
get it though that's and so you up the
1150
00:57:13,449 --> 00:57:16,480
ante a little bit oh that you push and I
1151
00:57:15,429 --> 00:57:20,980
told this joke
1152
00:57:16,480 --> 00:57:23,429
oh I need a drink start the car
1153
00:57:20,980 --> 00:57:23,429
seriously
1154
00:57:23,449 --> 00:57:35,328
I told this joke made sure the old
1155
00:57:31,159 --> 00:57:37,219
people could near okay father sitting at
1156
00:57:35,329 --> 00:57:38,720
home just reading the newspaper this
1157
00:57:37,219 --> 00:57:41,539
little girl comes running in she's only
1158
00:57:38,719 --> 00:57:44,298
six hello darling hello daddy
1159
00:57:41,539 --> 00:57:47,539
you've been playing yeah in the park
1160
00:57:44,298 --> 00:57:50,000
yeah with your friends well until the
1161
00:57:47,539 --> 00:57:52,099
man came along till the man came along
1162
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:53,650
yeah man came along and he asked my
1163
00:57:52,099 --> 00:57:58,548
friends to leave so it's just me and him
1164
00:57:53,650 --> 00:58:00,108
darling cousin whatever happened none of
1165
00:57:58,548 --> 00:58:01,639
it was your fault okay darling none of
1166
00:58:00,108 --> 00:58:03,460
it was your fault but tell daddy every
1167
00:58:01,639 --> 00:58:06,108
detail what happened
1168
00:58:03,460 --> 00:58:06,858
he took me behind a tree so I could see
1169
00:58:06,108 --> 00:58:08,150
what you're doing
1170
00:58:06,858 --> 00:58:11,119
I've got darling and then what happened
1171
00:58:08,150 --> 00:58:14,990
um he took my dress off Oh God what
1172
00:58:11,119 --> 00:58:16,818
happened um he took his thing out Oh God
1173
00:58:14,989 --> 00:58:20,798
darling in there what happened nothing
1174
00:58:16,818 --> 00:58:20,798
what was it we'll make something up
1175
00:58:21,519 --> 00:58:30,099
[Applause]
1176
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:43,079
don't tell anyone that I wanted to be a
1177
00:58:40,960 --> 00:58:45,389
surprise
1178
00:58:43,079 --> 00:58:46,710
so I told that joke carried on getting a
1179
00:58:45,389 --> 00:58:48,809
bit drunk or telling jokes whoa
1180
00:58:46,710 --> 00:58:50,789
eventually we sat down for the meal
1181
00:58:48,809 --> 00:58:53,159
about quarter 10 they put two tables
1182
00:58:50,789 --> 00:58:54,630
together and the hosts at either end and
1183
00:58:53,159 --> 00:58:56,399
they put me in the middle opposite this
1184
00:58:54,630 --> 00:58:58,769
very sweet we're very deaf
1185
00:58:56,400 --> 00:59:00,930
so 80 year old man so conversation was a
1186
00:58:58,769 --> 00:59:02,579
bit stilted and after about 20 minutes
1187
00:59:00,929 --> 00:59:05,909
Ian one of the hosts pipes ever says Oh
1188
00:59:02,579 --> 00:59:12,239
Ricky tell that joke what all the Oh
1189
00:59:05,909 --> 00:59:13,469
people went oh we love jokes do you look
1190
00:59:12,239 --> 00:59:15,119
any won't be fine
1191
00:59:13,469 --> 00:59:18,299
when okay and you get on with this
1192
00:59:15,119 --> 00:59:21,199
conversation and so all like that I went
1193
00:59:18,300 --> 00:59:21,200
oh
1194
00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:28,469
Barbossa arena fight little girl comes
1195
00:59:26,639 --> 00:59:29,960
running told the whole joke got to the
1196
00:59:28,469 --> 00:59:35,549
bit will make something up they went
1197
00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:39,170
silence I look to eat anyway thank you
1198
00:59:35,550 --> 00:59:39,170
so much you've been fantastic good night
1199
01:00:04,519 --> 01:00:11,349
fantastic
1200
01:00:06,750 --> 01:00:18,159
thank you so much I [ __ ] love Chicago
1201
01:00:11,349 --> 01:00:20,500
is the best time thank you thank you so
1202
01:00:18,159 --> 01:00:22,599
I tell I'd risk coming again through
1203
01:00:20,500 --> 01:00:24,730
volcanic ash clouds anything to go it's
1204
01:00:22,599 --> 01:00:26,860
Fanta terrorist attack I've actually
1205
01:00:24,730 --> 01:00:31,269
always been a nervous flier to be honest
1206
01:00:26,860 --> 01:00:34,450
and I flew a few weeks after 9/11 and um
1207
01:00:31,269 --> 01:00:35,739
and after 9/11 the world went a little
1208
01:00:34,449 --> 01:00:37,569
bit crazy
1209
01:00:35,739 --> 01:00:39,819
you know understandably the rules change
1210
01:00:37,570 --> 01:00:42,280
and there was a lot of anger and fear
1211
01:00:39,820 --> 01:00:44,170
and confusion and finger-pointing and
1212
01:00:42,280 --> 01:00:47,440
then I'd always consider myself quite a
1213
01:00:44,170 --> 01:00:50,500
rational liberal sort of guy and I try
1214
01:00:47,440 --> 01:00:52,659
to remain that way after 9/11 and even
1215
01:00:50,500 --> 01:00:54,099
in like in the pub with mates
1216
01:00:52,659 --> 01:00:55,480
I'd be the ones going no you can't say
1217
01:00:54,099 --> 01:00:57,699
that now that's a generalization that's
1218
01:00:55,480 --> 01:00:59,710
that's what they kiss no that's that's
1219
01:00:57,699 --> 01:01:02,199
unfair you can't tie over the same bus
1220
01:00:59,710 --> 01:01:03,970
no it's still the safest form of
1221
01:01:02,199 --> 01:01:05,500
transport is 16 million to one the
1222
01:01:03,969 --> 01:01:08,259
chance of uh you know trying to be
1223
01:01:05,500 --> 01:01:10,630
rational that's in a pub when I'm flying
1224
01:01:08,260 --> 01:01:15,400
it's more like check him again can we
1225
01:01:10,630 --> 01:01:17,230
check him again he's getting on this but
1226
01:01:15,400 --> 01:01:19,759
do you mind if I check him can I just
1227
01:01:17,230 --> 01:01:25,349
could I just
1228
01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:26,880
and after 9/11 with all the checks I
1229
01:01:25,349 --> 01:01:28,318
thought tried to remain sort of rational
1230
01:01:26,880 --> 01:01:30,480
philosophic I was thinking right it's
1231
01:01:28,318 --> 01:01:31,920
it's harder now than it ever was to get
1232
01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:33,269
a bomb on the plane this is you know
1233
01:01:31,920 --> 01:01:35,278
it's it's the restrictions are tight
1234
01:01:33,268 --> 01:01:37,258
it's safe for now and then I found out
1235
01:01:35,278 --> 01:01:38,579
that a terrorist doesn't have to get on
1236
01:01:37,259 --> 01:01:40,289
the plane now at the bomb they found
1237
01:01:38,579 --> 01:01:42,930
heat-seeking missiles and they could
1238
01:01:40,289 --> 01:01:44,579
just Park up in some sort lay by and
1239
01:01:42,929 --> 01:01:46,078
take the plane out with the first ten
1240
01:01:44,579 --> 01:01:47,430
minutes of takeoff so now I'd be on the
1241
01:01:46,079 --> 01:01:51,989
plane going right we're out of range
1242
01:01:47,429 --> 01:01:53,879
who's got the bomb right and as I saw I
1243
01:01:51,989 --> 01:01:58,079
flew a couple of weeks after 9/11
1244
01:01:53,880 --> 01:01:58,950
internal flight and we're up in the air
1245
01:01:58,079 --> 01:02:01,079
I've done the thing right we're out of
1246
01:01:58,949 --> 01:02:03,328
range right okay huh a little bit
1247
01:02:01,079 --> 01:02:06,630
nervous and I said the air hostess I
1248
01:02:03,329 --> 01:02:09,960
said have you got any magazines think of
1249
01:02:06,630 --> 01:02:10,829
this she said quite now quite blase she
1250
01:02:09,960 --> 01:02:13,108
said no honey
1251
01:02:10,829 --> 01:02:15,630
we've got no magazines we've had to
1252
01:02:13,108 --> 01:02:17,068
undertake severe cutbacks because we're
1253
01:02:15,630 --> 01:02:21,798
one of the companies being sued over
1254
01:02:17,068 --> 01:02:24,889
9/11 one they mention not 11
1255
01:02:21,798 --> 01:02:26,239
surely a new rule but went round don't
1256
01:02:24,889 --> 01:02:29,719
mention 911 when you're handing out the
1257
01:02:26,239 --> 01:02:33,228
coffee just you know I mean - don't say
1258
01:02:29,719 --> 01:02:34,338
severe cutbacks severe cutbacks if
1259
01:02:33,228 --> 01:02:36,379
someone says that I don't think of
1260
01:02:34,338 --> 01:02:38,150
magazines anymore I think of a bloke an
1261
01:02:36,380 --> 01:02:39,410
aircraft hanger early that week going do
1262
01:02:38,150 --> 01:02:44,298
we really need all these rivets
1263
01:02:39,409 --> 01:02:46,248
it's just what terrible bedside manner I
1264
01:02:44,298 --> 01:02:47,659
mean I take first-class flights
1265
01:02:46,248 --> 01:02:52,218
everywhere I know you wouldn't have any
1266
01:02:47,659 --> 01:02:54,739
other way I'd do it for you really some
1267
01:02:52,219 --> 01:02:58,729
of the flights I take cost 10,000 Poon's
1268
01:02:54,739 --> 01:03:00,798
okay and for 10,000 pounds any disaster
1269
01:02:58,728 --> 01:03:02,088
I expect the front end of my plane that
1270
01:03:00,798 --> 01:03:08,688
I'm in to gently break off and float
1271
01:03:02,088 --> 01:03:10,699
down to a desert island it doesn't are
1272
01:03:08,688 --> 01:03:13,298
the best - you [ __ ] losers that's not
1273
01:03:10,699 --> 01:03:13,298
fair is it
1274
01:03:14,498 --> 01:03:20,149
but you couldn't we just feel the news
1275
01:03:18,679 --> 01:03:21,439
I'd probably only one get name-checked
1276
01:03:20,150 --> 01:03:26,509
on the news you'd be turning three
1277
01:03:21,438 --> 01:03:31,338
others but I was his son consolation but
1278
01:03:26,509 --> 01:03:35,838
anyway so okay once I was flying back
1279
01:03:31,338 --> 01:03:39,670
from New York okay 925 a Saturday night
1280
01:03:35,838 --> 01:03:45,949
JFK to London Heathrow be a first-class
1281
01:03:39,670 --> 01:03:48,769
okay now this is my point it's fear that
1282
01:03:45,949 --> 01:03:52,519
threatens rational thought I think okay
1283
01:03:48,768 --> 01:03:54,078
I'm there now the whole week leading up
1284
01:03:52,518 --> 01:03:55,308
to that flight either if you remember it
1285
01:03:54,079 --> 01:03:57,259
always happened more than once I don't
1286
01:03:55,309 --> 01:03:59,539
know it was a couple years ago on every
1287
01:03:57,259 --> 01:04:01,759
news channel in America there was a
1288
01:03:59,539 --> 01:04:04,249
rolling ticker tape that said America on
1289
01:04:01,759 --> 01:04:06,708
red alert we've had Intel there's gonna
1290
01:04:04,248 --> 01:04:08,419
be another 9/11 in a major city probably
1291
01:04:06,708 --> 01:04:10,458
New York or LA okay
1292
01:04:08,420 --> 01:04:12,619
this weekend do not fly unless you
1293
01:04:10,458 --> 01:04:15,428
absolutely had to write I had to I was
1294
01:04:12,619 --> 01:04:15,429
filming and
1295
01:04:17,010 --> 01:04:22,870
but so I'm the only one in the
1296
01:04:21,159 --> 01:04:25,029
first-class lounge okay
1297
01:04:22,869 --> 01:04:27,639
and I still tried to remain rationale
1298
01:04:25,030 --> 01:04:29,500
sticking no it's safe for now everyone's
1299
01:04:27,639 --> 01:04:31,210
looking for a terrace today they leave
1300
01:04:29,500 --> 01:04:34,059
it till Monday right
1301
01:04:31,210 --> 01:04:35,440
and then it happened
1302
01:04:34,059 --> 01:04:38,559
the thing they threatened my rational
1303
01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:41,289
thought a bit of a mini breakdown into
1304
01:04:38,559 --> 01:04:43,389
the first-class lounge about 30 minutes
1305
01:04:41,289 --> 01:04:45,099
before boarding came this guy I don't
1306
01:04:43,389 --> 01:04:46,960
know where there was North African or
1307
01:04:45,099 --> 01:04:54,849
Middle Eastern or Asian
1308
01:04:46,960 --> 01:04:57,670
we had all the gear all right bid steer
1309
01:04:54,849 --> 01:05:01,420
the tosh.o case okay and here's your
1310
01:04:57,670 --> 01:05:04,489
middle-class sort of liberal I went
1311
01:05:01,420 --> 01:05:04,489
[Music]
1312
01:05:06,409 --> 01:05:12,589
I was suddenly engaging staff in sort of
1313
01:05:09,829 --> 01:05:14,239
banal conversation flight on time they
1314
01:05:12,590 --> 01:05:15,769
go yeah what's the weather like in
1315
01:05:14,239 --> 01:05:19,729
London like they were gonna go it's a
1316
01:05:15,769 --> 01:05:21,920
bit cloudy but there is right didn't
1317
01:05:19,730 --> 01:05:24,849
happen so I'm left there right and I'm
1318
01:05:21,920 --> 01:05:27,829
looking over him I'm thinking of all the
1319
01:05:24,849 --> 01:05:29,690
running up to it and the week I got the
1320
01:05:27,829 --> 01:05:31,699
news nothing but now there's a fight
1321
01:05:29,690 --> 01:05:33,380
between good and evil between rational
1322
01:05:31,699 --> 01:05:39,589
and irrational okay
1323
01:05:33,380 --> 01:05:43,039
this one goes oh very stupid of course
1324
01:05:39,590 --> 01:05:45,309
isn't it is how'd you know that's what
1325
01:05:43,039 --> 01:05:45,309
he look like
1326
01:05:46,360 --> 01:05:55,880
Wow beard day me stupid right then he
1327
01:05:54,619 --> 01:05:56,900
makes a phone call and I couldn't
1328
01:05:55,880 --> 01:05:59,269
understand what he was saying but it
1329
01:05:56,900 --> 01:06:02,180
sounded a bit angry okay this one goes
1330
01:05:59,269 --> 01:06:03,980
oh we made a phone call right no you
1331
01:06:02,179 --> 01:06:07,929
just made a phone call yeah but not in
1332
01:06:03,980 --> 01:06:10,219
foreign a sharp
1333
01:06:07,929 --> 01:06:12,049
he's been checked all the rest of us
1334
01:06:10,219 --> 01:06:16,339
have been checked did I check the beard
1335
01:06:12,050 --> 01:06:17,840
yeah they checked the beard yeah and
1336
01:06:16,340 --> 01:06:19,130
then I'm looking at him must have in
1337
01:06:17,840 --> 01:06:21,500
absent-minded with all this going on in
1338
01:06:19,130 --> 01:06:23,860
my head and he catches me looking and he
1339
01:06:21,500 --> 01:06:23,860
does this
1340
01:06:24,500 --> 01:06:30,559
because we know he knows why you're
1341
01:06:29,300 --> 01:06:33,260
looking at me said that's all prejudice
1342
01:06:30,559 --> 01:06:37,639
for months now stop looking at him yeah
1343
01:06:33,260 --> 01:06:40,130
right but this one starts winning the
1344
01:06:37,639 --> 01:06:42,139
fear starts beating all the rational
1345
01:06:40,130 --> 01:06:44,180
thought with all that's going no but it
1346
01:06:42,139 --> 01:06:46,629
could be well yeah it could be probably
1347
01:06:44,179 --> 01:06:51,529
not well know the stats are up today
1348
01:06:46,630 --> 01:06:53,390
yeah but still don't say what happen to
1349
01:06:51,530 --> 01:06:54,920
us people don't live in said it wouldn't
1350
01:06:53,389 --> 01:06:56,868
Apple to them yeah but all the tests
1351
01:06:54,920 --> 01:06:57,858
yeah where they find new ways of getting
1352
01:06:56,869 --> 01:06:59,539
through either text and then we have to
1353
01:06:57,858 --> 01:07:01,848
have a game here you're right and
1354
01:06:59,539 --> 01:07:04,550
suddenly I thought oh my god this is it
1355
01:07:01,849 --> 01:07:06,980
this is it and wave of nausea and you
1356
01:07:04,550 --> 01:07:07,910
suddenly realize oh my god I'm
1357
01:07:06,980 --> 01:07:11,449
witnessing this
1358
01:07:07,909 --> 01:07:11,839
this one goes okay right let's report
1359
01:07:11,449 --> 01:07:16,368
him
1360
01:07:11,840 --> 01:07:22,309
this one goes no why in case someone
1361
01:07:16,369 --> 01:07:24,800
thinks we're racist let's let's report
1362
01:07:22,309 --> 01:07:31,130
him and be a wrong embarrassed live
1363
01:07:24,800 --> 01:07:33,650
racist just think ice know so I don't
1364
01:07:31,130 --> 01:07:35,000
and so now I think he is a suicide
1365
01:07:33,650 --> 01:07:36,889
bomber and I think I'm gonna get on the
1366
01:07:35,000 --> 01:07:38,150
plane and die but I'm not gonna do
1367
01:07:36,889 --> 01:07:39,799
anything about it and I'm nearly in
1368
01:07:38,150 --> 01:07:41,960
tears and all this happens in a few
1369
01:07:39,800 --> 01:07:44,500
moments and I look over and he's joined
1370
01:07:41,960 --> 01:07:47,480
by his wife who's got all the gear and
1371
01:07:44,500 --> 01:07:50,030
it's two little girls okay and I
1372
01:07:47,480 --> 01:07:52,400
suddenly go ahh cause he's not [ __ ]
1373
01:07:50,030 --> 01:07:54,019
suicide bomber if you're off to see 72
1374
01:07:52,400 --> 01:07:56,260
virgins you don't take the wife and kids
1375
01:07:54,019 --> 01:07:56,259
along
1376
01:07:56,940 --> 01:08:03,510
no okay and I got on the plane of course
1377
01:08:02,039 --> 01:08:05,219
he wasn't a terrorist that was sort of a
1378
01:08:03,510 --> 01:08:07,349
bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side
1379
01:08:05,219 --> 01:08:08,969
of it I was relieved nothing and then it
1380
01:08:07,349 --> 01:08:10,109
was a businessman and a family man he
1381
01:08:08,969 --> 01:08:11,730
was playing with his eternal girls I
1382
01:08:10,108 --> 01:08:13,139
kept running up and down and banging
1383
01:08:11,730 --> 01:08:15,240
into my chair he was doing anything
1384
01:08:13,139 --> 01:08:17,369
about that at all okay think about that
1385
01:08:15,239 --> 01:08:18,929
all okay and he was sort of chased him
1386
01:08:17,369 --> 01:08:20,548
and I was squealing really I've been
1387
01:08:18,930 --> 01:08:22,048
going through after half an hour I was
1388
01:08:20,548 --> 01:08:28,140
hoping some would blow the [ __ ] plane
1389
01:08:22,048 --> 01:08:30,298
up but a really weird thing happened
1390
01:08:28,140 --> 01:08:33,359
during that period I got so paranoid
1391
01:08:30,298 --> 01:08:34,710
about terrorist attack that I started
1392
01:08:33,359 --> 01:08:36,000
taking private jets and helicopters
1393
01:08:34,710 --> 01:08:42,930
everywhere
1394
01:08:36,000 --> 01:08:46,920
just because I was so rich no no okay
1395
01:08:42,930 --> 01:08:48,659
my philosophy was I'm the only person on
1396
01:08:46,920 --> 01:08:52,520
this plane and I definitely haven't got
1397
01:08:48,659 --> 01:08:55,649
a bomb so we're all right you know and I
1398
01:08:52,520 --> 01:08:58,650
was taking a helicopter one day and I
1399
01:08:55,649 --> 01:09:01,649
was waiting on the helipad okay rewind
1400
01:08:58,649 --> 01:09:03,479
two days before that I'm at home I have
1401
01:09:01,649 --> 01:09:05,338
a material materials and there's a
1402
01:09:03,479 --> 01:09:06,509
carton of milk there with the missing
1403
01:09:05,338 --> 01:09:07,769
person things on the back and I've seen
1404
01:09:06,509 --> 01:09:09,420
a thousand of them okay
1405
01:09:07,770 --> 01:09:10,710
it's so much slightly different because
1406
01:09:09,420 --> 01:09:13,020
it was a missing child which is always
1407
01:09:10,710 --> 01:09:14,759
sad oh well no it's sad when anyone goes
1408
01:09:13,020 --> 01:09:17,339
missing but presumably aids this was an
1409
01:09:14,759 --> 01:09:18,750
abduction and you know um it was also
1410
01:09:17,338 --> 01:09:21,359
the language it was a plea from the
1411
01:09:18,750 --> 01:09:23,159
mother and it was the wording she just
1412
01:09:21,359 --> 01:09:26,430
said the name of the little girl which I
1413
01:09:23,159 --> 01:09:28,889
would say I remember it and the day and
1414
01:09:26,430 --> 01:09:33,000
place where she was last seen and she
1415
01:09:28,890 --> 01:09:35,548
just said five years old blond hair blue
1416
01:09:33,000 --> 01:09:37,560
eyes always happy please help me
1417
01:09:35,548 --> 01:09:40,289
and it must have stayed with me two days
1418
01:09:37,560 --> 01:09:43,199
later I'm there like a wolf development
1419
01:09:40,289 --> 01:09:45,238
waking way after this helicopter and I'm
1420
01:09:43,198 --> 01:09:48,750
looking down on to sort of some disused
1421
01:09:45,238 --> 01:09:50,789
so a warehouse space you know look in
1422
01:09:48,750 --> 01:09:53,039
one right and someone had put up a brown
1423
01:09:50,789 --> 01:09:55,140
blanket with this duct tape okay there's
1424
01:09:53,039 --> 01:09:58,948
like a curtain and it had fallen away
1425
01:09:55,140 --> 01:10:01,140
and I can see in this is true story it's
1426
01:09:58,948 --> 01:10:03,448
an empty room apart from a mattress and
1427
01:10:01,140 --> 01:10:07,140
on the mattress is a little girl with a
1428
01:10:03,448 --> 01:10:07,710
hands tied and my [ __ ] heart five
1429
01:10:07,140 --> 01:10:09,660
years old
1430
01:10:07,710 --> 01:10:10,560
five years old blond hair blond hair
1431
01:10:09,659 --> 01:10:13,170
blue
1432
01:10:10,560 --> 01:10:15,440
blue eyes always happy crying her eyes
1433
01:10:13,170 --> 01:10:15,440
out
1434
01:10:22,500 --> 01:10:28,180
it it couldn't have been oh I left it
1435
01:10:26,069 --> 01:10:31,199
thanks very much to be an amazing good
1436
01:10:28,180 --> 01:10:31,200
night so far about Cheers
1437
01:10:51,849 --> 01:10:56,630
get out thank you
1438
01:10:52,880 --> 01:10:59,788
[Applause]
1439
01:10:56,630 --> 01:10:59,788
[Music]
1440
01:10:59,869 --> 01:11:07,619
[Applause]
1441
01:11:04,149 --> 01:11:07,619
[Music]
1442
01:11:08,239 --> 01:11:14,460
[Applause]
1443
01:11:08,520 --> 01:11:16,320
[Music]
1444
01:11:14,460 --> 01:11:19,399
[Applause]
1445
01:11:16,319 --> 01:11:19,398
[Music]
1446
01:11:20,819 --> 01:11:28,099
[Applause]
107944
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