All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine 05

Whoo! Extreme! [CHUCKLING]

Oh, you guys are
probably curious about this.

It's no biggie. My car is in the shop
so I rode in on Rosa's motorcycle.

I guess you could say
I'm a "gearhead" now.

He held on to me so tight it
was like a two-mile Heimlich.

Those things have no walls on them.

Captain. Why are you sitting at my desk?

Lieutenant Miller from Internal Affairs
is here. He's taken over my office.

Apparently someone
has been leaking classified

information to a criminal syndicate.

The entire squad is under investigation.

That's crazy. No one here's a mole.

How can you be so sure?

Because I know these guys.
I know everything about them.

Well, you're a poor police officer if you
don't think that people can surprise you.

Not these people. Here, watch this.

I know what everyone's gonna do tonight.

It's Thursday, so
Gina's gonna leave early

to rehearse with her new
dance group, Dancy Reagan.

They're the first ladies of movement.

Amy's gonna be going
over her weekly budget,

and Charles will be attending
a pizza-for-one cooking class.

Tonight's menu, Pepper-alone-i.

And, if I run and leap at Terry,

he will most certainly catch
me in his arms. Coming in!

-No! I'm holding coffee!
-[SMASHING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, I'm about to sit
down with Internal Affairs.

Figured that I'll charm them

with a couple of quips about

my own "internal affairs."

Talking about my "tum-tum."

Please don't joke around in there.

I know you're used to riffing with me,

but Internal Affairs detectives

rarely have my sense of humor.

Wow, you are really worried

about this investigation.

Okay, fine. I promise

I will be stone cold
serious in my interview.

I'll even use my serious face.

If you're wondering
how I'm pulling this off,

I'm thinking about the
time when I was eight

and Don Mattingly
called me a little turd.

Was he right? Yes.

Hey there, Jake Peralta.

I'm sorry. Handshakes are the
greatest avenues of germ transmission.

I generally prefer simple nods. Okay.

Would you, uh, pass me
that hand sanitizer, please?

Yeah. No, no, no! Use your elbows.

Keep your nostrils closed.
Don't breathe on it.

Ah!

Forget it, I'll just use a wipe.

Smart. Get off dem germs.

So. What information has
been leaked and by who?

You don't need to know that.

All you need to know is that
a felony has been committed

by someone on your squad
and I'm gonna find out who did it.

Now, have you ever taken
confidential information

about an ongoing
investigation out of this precinct?

[SCOFFS] No.
I would never do something that stupid.

I did something really stupid.
I need your help.

You know how I'm kind of a sexy
bad boy who rides motorcycles into work

and is always breaking the
rules in the name of justice?

I don't like where this is going.

Well, I also maybe sometimes bring home
case files to work on them after hours

and I might not be that
great about returning them.

[GASPS] Oh God! Are you aroused
because of what a bad boy I am?

No! No.

You could be suspended for that.
He could think you're the mole!

[GROANING] Not so loud.

[LOUDLY] Yes Amy, I
do drink from the bowl.

Definitely pulled that off.

Look, I need to get those files.
Can you please give me a ride?

Fine, I'll get my stuff, but this
better not bite me in the ass.

"Better Not Bite Me in the Ass"
is the name of your sex tape,

but seriously, thank you
so much for your help.

Peralta, how'd it go with Miller?

Fantastic. He loved me.

I would give you more details
but someone just came in to

try and find her Dalmatian coat.

Hello, Raymond.

Madeline. I had wondered why all
the birds had suddenly stopped singing.

What brings you here?

I heard you were under
investigation by Internal Affairs,

didn't want to miss that.

So much time with your
ear to the pavement,

it's a pity a truck hasn't
run over your head.

Very visual.

When, oh, when will you quit police
work and pursue your dream of poetry?

I'm looking for Detective Scully.

You must be from IAB I'm Deputy
Chief Wuntch, nice to meet you.

If you have a minute, I'd love a
detailed report of this investigation.

IAB exists outside of department
hierarchy. I don't answer to you.

Detective Scully, you're up.

Oh, wow, okay, um…

No.
You know, we'll do this over the phone.

Oh, Raymond.
An Internal Affairs investigation?

A Drug Task Force that
hasn't found any drugs?

This precinct's a disaster.

Maybe that's why the
birds stopped singing…

Out of respect for the
death of your career.

Goodbye, Raymond.

Detective Diaz, can
you give me even a shred

of good news about your Drug Task Force?

The good news is I can be brief about it.
We have nothing.

Sorry, I had to talk my twins
into getting their hair done.

There are some promises involving
lollipops I do not intend to keep.

The Task Force has made some busts,

but we still haven't found any
high-level dealers or major drug stashes.

But we will soon.

Is that a promise? Or just another
lollipop that no one's ever gonna lick?

Wuntch is waiting for this Task
Force to fail. I need tangible results.

Sarge and I are going undercover
at Electric Library. It's a silent disco.

Everyone wears headphones. It's
actually very respectful to the neighbors

except for the lewd acts and vomiting.

There's usually some
ecstasy at these things

so hopefully, we'll find some giggle pig.

Great, I hope there's a
lot of drug activity there.

Of course, ideally, there will
be nobody taking drugs there

or anywhere else in the district,
but if drugs must be found,

let it be there.
Please God, let it be there.

Trunk!

[GRUNTING]

All right, that's it.

One box of files and one box of
powdered doughnuts from under my bed.

Oh cool, can I see those?

Yeah, sure. Thanks.

PERALTA: Whoa! No, no, no!

This is a new car.

I won't have you Jake it
up with doughnut powder.

[SCOFFING]

I hate to say it, but we still
need to make one more stop.

There's still some files at my
old place, AKA Gina's apartment.

[GROANING] Fine, I'll call her.

Wow, there's so many fancy
buttons on your steering wheel.

It's like a spy car, that's cool.
Here, let me call her.

-JAKE: Yeah.
-[BEEPING]

-[DEEP VOICE] Car, call Gina Linetti.
-[PHONE RINGING]

What is that voice? It's my spy voice.

[DEEP VOICE] Car, initiate ghost mode.

That's a seat warmer.

Wow, that's even better than rockets.
My butt gets very cold.

GINA [ON PHONE]: It's Gina's
phone, leave me a voice mail.

I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.

We should go there anyways.

Her phone's probably off
because of dance rehearsal.

God, this IAB guy is ruining my life.

But I do have some
good news in three, two…

Pocket doughnut!

No!

It's everywhere.

Back up.

[KNOCKING] Gina? Open up.

[MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHING] Well, luckily, I still
have a key from when I lived here.

Hmm. [CLEARING THROAT] Here we go.

[GASPING]

BOTH: Oh, my God!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, God!

What is going on?

Gina and I are casual lovers.

[GROANING] Ick.

Ew.

How long has this been going on?

We hooked up once
last summer and then the

nightmare started
again about a month ago.

Ever since then, it's been orgasm-city.

[GROANING] Ick.

Ew. Ugh, gross. Right, guys?

Wait a minute, you lied to me?

There was no pizza-for-one
cooking class tonight.

You've been lying to me for weeks!

Oh, I can't tonight. I'm teaching
inner city kids to make candles.

Ooh, sorry, I'm going
to a prenatal yoga class.

No can do.
Going to my adult tumbling class.

Yes, Jake, those were lies,

but the way you looked at me
when you thought I was a gymnast

made me wish it were true.

You came into work with
chalk on your hands, Boyle.

I don't even know you anymore.

I'm leaving. I just gotta
get some old case files first.

Don't be mad, Jake, you still know me.

I'm still Charles.
I just have four extra sex moves.

Five. I forgot about boy on top.

-Ugh!
-SANTIAGO: Ick.

GINA: Ew.

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

Terry. Terry.

I can't believe they
call this a silent disco.

This is not a disco.

And I should know, I was raised on disco.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

Little Terry loved the Hustle.

Excuse me, can I get a bottle of water?

Good move, Giggle
dehydrates the hell out of you.

Yeah, I don't do that stuff.
I don't even drink.

Hey, your shirt.
My daughters go to The Learning Grove.

Did you get that from a
vintage store or something?

No, I went there.
I was in the Dolphins class.

And you don't do drugs or drink.

Have a water on the house.

Well, she was useless.

Not entirely, I learned that
my babies are on the right track

because their preschool
turns out nice kids.

Yeah, I can't wait to tell Holt
that at the Task Force meeting.

Now, let's go look for some bad
kids that went to sub-par preschools.

That was insane.

I mean, who else is hooking
up that we don't know about?

Rosa and Terry? Holt and Scully?
You and Hitchcock?

You need to forget about Charles, okay?

You need to get inside
and put those files back.

Fine.

Wait, wait, wait. Why'd I get Hitchcock?

Because you're the girl version of him.

[GASPS] Thanks again for all your help.
Okay, bye.

Wha…

Hey, Captain. Mind if we sit?

Is everything okay?

Nothing's okay.

Wuntch circling me like
a shark frenzied by chum,

the Task Force turning into a
career threatening quagmire,

an Internal Affairs investigation
casting doubt upon my integrity.

And you ask, "Is everything okay?"

I am buffeted by the
winds of my foes' enmity,

and cast about by the
towering waves of cruel fate.

Yet I, a captain, am no longer
able to command my vessel,

my precinct, from my
customary helm, my office.

And you ask, "Is everything okay?"

I've worked the better part of my years
on Earth overcoming every prejudice

and fighting for the position I hold,

and now I feel it being
ripped from my grasp,

and with it, the very essence
of what defines me as a man.

And you ask… "Is everything okay?"

Yeah, I hear you.

My dog has taken over my favorite chair.

It's like, how did it all slip away?

Gentlemen.

GINA: Damn it, Charles.

This is a crisis. Step one, termination.

You and I will never touch again.

Damn. If I'd known it was our last
time, I would have moaned more.

Step two, containment.

We need to make sure
that no one else finds out.

Yeah, Jake won't tell
anyone if I ask him not to.

I'll handle him. You take care of Amy.

But how to make it look like an accident?

I'm not saying murder, just
talk to her like a normal person.

Right, even better.
Get her to tell me all her little secrets.

Then if she tries anything…
[GRUNTING] We can destroy her.

Hello, Peralta.

Oh, my God! Hi.

What's going on here?

Funny story.
I took these files home a while ago,

even though I shouldn't have,
and now I'm bringing them back.

Isn't that funny?
Are you laughing behind the mask?

No.

Kev! Jake, it's after midnight.

This had better be about a murder.

No, I wish. Look, I'm really sorry,
but I have to talk to Captain Holt.

Raymond, your work life is here.

Please come in. Take off your shoes.

Neither of us want that.

What is going on, Peralta?
This has been a long day.

Well, IAB caught me
returning some classified files

and I am now the prime
suspect in the mole investigation,

and Miller said I would be
suspended in the morning.

But more importantly, what does
the "J" stand for? James? John.

Jojo?

My middle name is more important
to you than being suspended?

If it's Jojo, yes.

Look, I came here because
we have to figure this thing out.

Miller is sure there's
a mole in the precinct

and the only way to prove it's
not me is to figure out who it is.

You said there was no mole.

You said you knew
everything about these people.

Well, it turns out I don't.

I've learned some truly
horrible things tonight.

You were right and I was wrong.

Goodness. Boyle is sleeping with Gina?

What? How could you possibly know that?

"You were right and I was wrong."

You must have been shaken
to your core to say that to me.

Boyle is your most trusted
friend, so he has to be involved.

Your use of the word "horrible" leads
me to believe that the matter was sexual

in nature given your obvious immaturity.

[SCOFFS] I've had sex.

And, of course, you would
be most upset if Boyle were to

have slept with someone
you knew from your childhood,

thus the solve. Gina and Charles.

That was amazing.

Come into my study.
Let's figure out who that mole is.

I took all the Giggle I had,

but there might be some left in
my mouth if you want to make out.

That sounds amazing. I'd love to
make out with you once I'm super high.

Where can I get some?

That girl over there sold it to me.

What happened, Ava? I thought
you said you didn't drink or do drugs?

I don't. Do you know how much
math is involved in dealing drugs?

You gotta keep a clear head.

Look, this doesn't have to be a big deal,
just give us the name of your supplier.

How'd you get involved in dealing Giggle?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
We gotta back this up.

After preschool, did you go to
private or public elementary?

-Private.
-JEFFORDS: When were you potty trained?

That's so random. Sarge. The giggle pig.

All right, let's go through
the squad one by one.

Rosa is very secretive. I don't
know anything about her personal life.

Charles has expensive tastes.

Gina has said many times

that she would sell us all out
for five minutes with Blake Griffin.

Let's see, Terry wants to
send his twins to private school,

but on his salary, that's difficult.

Mmm. Plus, with twins,
one of them is always evil.

So, it's Cagney.

Gina, is everything okay?
You never text me.

Look, last message I got
from you was August 3rd, 2009.

You wrote, "Sup, Rosa?"
Followed by, "Never mind."

It's over between me and Charles.
I'm so upset.

Amy, when will I ever find a relationship

as perfect as the one
you have with Freddy?

It's Teddy and it's not perfect.
Believe me.

All his underwear are lined
with mesh like a bathing suit.

Is it medical? How do you even ask that?

I don't know but keep talking.

PERALTA: What else? What else? What else?

[SNAPPING FINGERS] Wait a minute.

One time, I saw Rosa eating watermelon,

but then, when I asked her about it,

she said she'd never eaten
that or any other kind of melon.

Now that I say it out loud,
it doesn't seem like much.

No, put it on the board. Oh!

PERALTA: Hey, check it out.

Dog bra. Dog bra.

Uh, I'm so tired I can't
keep my eyes open.

Here, I need you to slap me.

I'm not gonna do that, Peralta.

Ow! [GROANING]

I thought perhaps the
element of surprise would help.

It did.

PERALTA [GROANING]: I can't believe
we can't figure out who the mole is.

Well, there is someone
we haven't talked about yet.

Detective Jake Peralta.

What? Someone's got a
case of the sleepover jokies.

Why would I be the mole?

You were just caught sneaking
classified material into the precinct.

You spent six months undercover in the
mafia and have many criminal contacts.

You've been known to flaunt
departmental rules and regulations

and you are deeply in debt.

Well, if you hadn't
tricked me into getting

car insurance, I wouldn't be in debt.

You want to do me?
I'll do you right back, tit for toot.

I've been on the force for 30 years and
I've never been accused of impropriety.

Oh, is that a fact?

Because I heard you call Deputy
Chief Wuntch by her first name,

and after that, you told her you
hoped she got carried off by crows.

That is gross insubordination.

Madeline is irrelevant.

Our battles extend beyond
the confines of NYPD rules.

You're being ridiculous. Am I?

If you're such a great cop, how come you

didn't know there was
a mole in your precinct?

That's right, because you did!
Because you are the mole, you mole!

I've heard enough.

Please return your guest pajamas,
guest toothbrush and guest slippers,

and get out of here.

It's time for you to be suspended.

Peralta, shouldn't you
be suspended by now?

Yes, and I know that
you're mad that I'm here,

but you're about to get over it
because I know who the mole is.

Lieutenant Miller.
I don't think he's with IAB at all.

I think he's spying for Wuntch.

Wuntch? You said it yourself.

Your battles extend beyond
the confines of NYPD rules.

She wants information about your
Task Force but she can't get access,

so she sent in a spy.

That's why Miller was
skulking around the file room

when I was supposed
to be the only skulker.

That's interesting. I did notice something
odd when he and Wuntch first met.

She just nodded at him.
She didn't even try to shake his hand.

She already knew he was a
germaphobe because they'd met before.

Yes. Unfortunately,

we don't have any hard proof
that they're working together.

Well, lucky for you,
proof is my middle name.

And yours is Jared. Juicebox.

Jellyfish. [GASPING] Jamiroquai.

Lieutenant Miller.

What do you want, Peralta?

I want to play ball.

Clear my name and I'll give you
information about Captain Holt.

Well, I'm interested.
What kind of information?

It's all on this.

Pretty dope drive, right?
It's a USB shaped like a gun.

Boink.

All right, I'll give it to my
superiors and I'll be in contact.

Hey, I know you only wanted to
hang out last night so you could

find out dirt on me.

What? Uh-uh.

Look,

you don't have to be worried.

I will never tell anyone
about you and Charles,

but honestly, it's not as
embarrassing as you think.

It was shocking, but then I got
over it and it seemed normal,

except for seeing how
hairless Charles' legs are.

I mean, does he shave them?

No, he wears really cheap pants

and as far as I can tell,
he's been chafed smooth.

Yikes.

Imagine that wrapped around you. Okay.

Okay, I could get in
a lot of trouble for this,

but the big secret about Captain Holt is…

That I have a flair for the dramatic.

Look behind you, Madeline.

[HOLT CLEARING THROAT]

PERALTA: We're actually in front of you.

That's my fault. I thought the
layout was gonna be different.

Didn't know how you guys were
gonna be sitting. I took a chance.

Miller may be in Internal Affairs,
but he wasn't here on official business.

You sent him to spy on us.

That's a flagrant ethics violation,
Madeline, and it could sink you.

Fine, you're right.
But you can't prove that.

It's just your word against mine.

Ooh, actually it's your word against you.

Pardon me.

I put a recording device in this dope
drive so I got your whole conversation.

You're going to leave my
precinct and my Task Force alone

or else you're… Wuntchmeat.

You sure you want to go with that one?

Absolutely, it's hilarious.

Oh. All right.

Hey, I'm sorry about last night.

I let my personal stuff affect the job.

It's okay. No, it's not.

This morning, I did
some real police work.

I called The Learning Grove.

They never had an Ava
Watson so I faxed them a picture.

They identified her as Rebecca Lubbock.

I pulled her phone records and I think we

have some good leads
on a possible supplier.

Wow, nice work.

And hey, you should
never worry about your kids.

You're the best dad I know.

Cagney and Lacey are gonna grow up great.

You think so? 100%.

You're right.

They're gonna be twin presidents.

They'll either run as one
person and trick everyone,

or they'll run as two and
serve for 16 consecutive years.

It's a damn dynasty.

Excuse me.
I have an announcement to make.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Charles Boyle and I had sex.

What the hell? Gina, what are you doing?

Amy was right. People will be
shocked and then they'll get over it

and we can move on.

At least this way, I get
to control how it gets out.

I'm about to Olivia Pope this sitch.

First off, I would like to remind you all
about several notable men from my past.

The rock climbing backpacker,
the underwear model,

the guy who looked like Tywin Lannister.

I bring these men to mind so you can
appreciate this dalliance for what it was,

an outlier.

I will now take questions.

How was the sex? Gross.

The sex was gross or I'm gross?

You're gross. The sex was adequate.

How many times did you do it?

Sixteen and a third.
Don't ask. Can't explain.

I have a question.
Do you have any regrets?

No, it was pretty fun.

[MOUTHING]

Thank you so much for coming out today.

Hey, I should have
said this last night but,

your first casual relationship!
Nice work.

I know.
I didn't even propose to her once.

Jake, I'm so sorry I lied to you.

I mean, I wanted to tell you so badly,

but I promised Gina
I wouldn't tell anyone.

You kept a promise to a friend.

That sounds like the Charles I know.

Just like I know everyone here.

Yes, you do.

Although there is something
you didn't know about me.

My middle name is Jacob.

Wha…