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Official YIFY movies site:
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[rock music]
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[announcer] Please welcome Bill Burr.
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00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,843
All right, what's going on?
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00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:52,844
How are you?
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00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:55,096
Good evening.
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00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:57,932
Good evening and welcome.
9
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:04,522
Welcome to this wonderful evening
of stand-up comedy.
10
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,984
All right, you guys have great energy.
11
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,110
I like that.
12
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:11,196
I'm liking the energy already.
13
00:01:13,573 --> 00:01:16,284
It's safe to say
I guess the pandemic's over?
14
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,578
It kinda is, right?
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00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:24,709
I mean, nobody gives a fuck anymore,
so basically, it's over, right?
16
00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:28,213
It killed all the weak people, you know?
17
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:31,382
The strong people are here to survive.
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00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,552
The fatties are gone, the asthmatics,
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00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:36,012
people with lisps.
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00:01:36,095 --> 00:01:37,347
None of 'em made it!
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00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:44,437
But you guys survived.
22
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,981
Yeah, you guys survived.
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00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:52,111
Yeah, they said it killed a whole bunch
of people, but I gotta be honest.
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00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:53,530
Have you really noticed?
25
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,784
I mean, you drive down the highway,
there's still traffic.
26
00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:59,786
I thought it was gonna be like, "Wow!
27
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:02,330
Holy shit, a lot of people died.
28
00:02:02,413 --> 00:02:06,960
That's so sad, but fucking awesome,
all at the same time!"
29
00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,130
I gotta be honest though,
30
00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:12,841
I saw a lot of you youngsters
didn't wear masks.
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00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,050
I got upset at first,
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00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,970
but then I did the math.
I understand why you didn't wear 'em.
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00:02:17,053 --> 00:02:19,472
You know what I mean?
You knew you were gonna survive.
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00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:20,765
Right?
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00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:24,185
You went to college. You bought the dream.
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00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,980
You left with the debt
and there was no jobs.
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00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,525
So you played the only card you had.
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00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,862
Get COVID and breathe on somebody older
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00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:35,321
with a corner office.
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00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:39,576
That's what you do, all right?
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00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:43,037
Power is not given away.
It has to be taken.
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00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:45,874
And people have to die,
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00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:47,333
historically speaking.
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00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,545
People have to go.
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00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:56,050
You know what did amaze me
during all of this?
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00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,636
Was the amount of shit that doctors got
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00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:03,391
from non-doctors...
slash complete fucking morons.
48
00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:05,685
People who had to go to summer school.
49
00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,730
"According to my Internet research,
50
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:12,984
if you take a little bleach,
vitamin D and aspirin…"
51
00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:15,653
And people are like, listening to 'em.
52
00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:20,575
Like, my favorite heckle doctors got
from people was, like,
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00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:23,620
"Dude, what's the last thing
they even cured?
54
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:25,413
What?
55
00:03:25,496 --> 00:03:27,749
Fucking polio?"
56
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,044
It's like, "No. HPV."
57
00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:34,547
They just came out with a vaccine for HPV.
58
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:37,133
No more warts on your dick.
59
00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:41,512
We should be carrying these people
around on our shoulders.
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00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:42,680
Thank you...
61
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,851
for not having to make me go down
to the doctor.
62
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,145
And be like,
"That's not a birthmark, is it?"
63
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,397
Or even worse, you're too shy to go,
64
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:53,483
so you try to do self-surgery
65
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:57,445
with a frozen Bud Light can.
"Stick it on there, freeze it off!"
66
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:04,118
Bud Light, one of the big sponsors
of this comedy tonight.
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00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:10,375
They say that, "What was the last
thing they cured?" How about AIDS?
68
00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:12,460
Dude, AIDS was gonna kill everybody.
69
00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:13,836
You get it from fucking.
70
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,047
It was over.
Now look at it.
71
00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:18,800
Now you can get it,
they give you one pill.
72
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,885
It doesn't even show up on a test!
73
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:24,097
You can go out and bang somebody,
no condom, they don't even get it!
74
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,599
According to my Internet research!
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00:04:28,559 --> 00:04:31,854
Don't listen to me, but I think
that's what I overheard in a bar.
76
00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:35,775
"What's the last thing they cured?"
77
00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:38,736
Do you know what fake legs looked like
when I was a kid?
78
00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:41,030
Huh?
79
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:45,702
First of all, there was only one color,
it was like Band-Aid color.
80
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:47,996
And everybody knew you had a fake leg.
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00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:51,833
You're fucking walking down the street and
everybody... "He's got a fake leg!
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00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:55,878
What do you think happened?" Motorcycle
accident, fell down a flight of stairs,
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00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,047
got impatient with a woodchipper.
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00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:58,965
Right?
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00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:04,887
Everybody knew you had a fake leg.
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00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,348
Now, if you have fake legs,
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00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:11,019
you're not allowed
to compete with people with real legs
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00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:16,232
in the Olympics, because not
having legs is now more of an advantage
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00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,817
than having real legs.
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00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:21,779
Doctors make better legs than God.
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00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:28,369
All right, your calves, and your feet
flopping around, are no match for a couple
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00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:29,454
of sickles.
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00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:32,332
These people just skiing down
the fucking street.
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00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,460
You get 'em by some train tracks
that go downhill,
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00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:37,295
you're never gonna see 'em again!
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00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:44,260
I enjoyed people being their own doctors.
I loved it.
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00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,846
Good, kill yourselves, kill yourselves.
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00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:49,807
There's too many of us, it's fantastic.
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00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:55,563
All right, this is a weird thing to say
in LA, but I'm really into guns.
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00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,233
I do. I love guns.
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00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:03,279
I don't own a gun, I didn't grow up
with them, so, I know that I'm an idiot,
102
00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:07,033
so I'll probably kill myself, but I don't
have a problem with guns, you know?
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00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:10,411
Liberals gotta quit trying to take away
conservative people's guns,
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00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:12,163
they just gotta stop doing that shit.
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00:06:12,246 --> 00:06:14,457
Because when you try
to take away their guns,
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00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,167
then you get them in a corner where
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00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:19,003
they gotta start defending everybody
with a gun. You know?
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00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,631
Like that fucking idiot,
Rittenhouse, right?
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00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:22,590
That moron.
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00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:25,760
And they're gonna sit there like,
"No, he's a bright guy.
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00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:27,929
He was a good guy with a gun."
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00:06:28,846 --> 00:06:31,599
My favorite thing about that
was why did he go up there?
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00:06:31,682 --> 00:06:35,186
It's like, "Well, he loved his town.
He loved it."
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00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:39,398
It's like, "Oh, yeah, when it snows out,
does he show up with a shovel?"
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00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:42,985
"Private Rittenhouse, reporting for duty.
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00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:46,989
Boy, oh boy, do I love this sidewalk.
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00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,491
My goodness."
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00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:55,957
I'll tell ya, that guy went
there to feel threatened.
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00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,043
And he felt threatened
and he fucking killed two people.
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00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:03,297
Turns out the two people he killed
were a convicted child molester,
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00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:04,966
and a skateboarder.
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00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:08,427
Two of the most annoying people
in society.
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00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:14,142
So as dumb as this kid is,
he somehow went two for two.
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00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,561
Unbelievable!
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00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:21,357
It's like when they bring some fat guy out
of the crowd, halftime at an NBA game,
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00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:26,195
"You hit this half-court shot, fatty,
you could win a Dodge-- fucking Durango."
127
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,572
"All right."
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00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:28,948
[shouts]
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00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:29,907
[blows air]
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00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:31,951
"Nothing but net! Holy shit!"
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00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:36,247
Yeah, Rittenhouse did it twice,
"I got the other side!
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00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,290
Bam!
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00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,918
Skateboarder, go fuck yourself!"
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00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:46,132
People try to say
his mother drove him to the riot.
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00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:49,844
I don't believe that, I think that's some
liberal horseshit they made up.
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00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:53,014
I just can't imagine that conversation
going down like that.
137
00:07:53,097 --> 00:07:56,434
Like, she's sitting at home,
hears him upstairs and is like, "Honey!
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00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:59,228
Honey, what are you doing?
139
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,857
You going out tonight?
What are you doing?"
140
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:04,984
"Going to a riot."
141
00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:07,945
"Do you want a ride?"
142
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:13,201
"All right, but you gotta drop me off
like two blocks away,
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00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:17,580
so my other racist friends
don't see my mommy drove me."
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00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:21,751
"All right,
are you gonna wear a jacket?"
145
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:22,752
"Mom!"
146
00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:29,926
"Don't yell at me the way your father did!
147
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,594
And bring your AR-15.
148
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,013
I'll see you in the car."
149
00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:37,975
I don't know about that dude.
150
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:41,562
Only thing I can say about that dude
is I hope he never does a 23andMe.
151
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:45,858
Okay, because with those big pouty lips
I don't think he's gonna like the results.
152
00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:52,323
Then he's gonna have to go down
to the hideout, knocking on the door,
153
00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:55,493
"Come on, man, I'm like 91% you."
154
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
"Und the Führer only accepts
100% percent Caucasian!"
155
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:02,917
All right, give yourselves
a round of applause, everybody!
156
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:03,834
[applause]
157
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:06,045
We're gonna keep this show going.
158
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:09,465
We've got nothing,
nothing but killers on this show.
159
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,467
You guys are an awesome crowd,
160
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,762
and I can't think
of a better way to start this show.
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00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,681
This is one of my favorite joke writers
out there.
162
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,599
She's written for all
the late-night shows,
163
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:21,352
even performed for a president,
and she's here tonight for you.
164
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:23,646
Please welcome the amazing Michelle Wolf!
165
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,356
Come on, everybody!
166
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:28,985
[cheers and applause]
167
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,371
Give it up for Bill!
168
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,124
[cheers and applause]
169
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:47,753
You know, we're both redheads, I don't
know if this is a show or a fetish.
170
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:53,134
I, um, I want women to get ahead.
171
00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:55,678
[light whooping]
172
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,305
Yeah, we only needed four.
173
00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:02,893
I want women to get ahead, but I just
don't know if it's gonna happen.
174
00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:06,772
Because, uh, we're not good at it.
175
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,359
Like, we have the first female
vice president,
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00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,570
and everyone got really excited.
177
00:10:12,653 --> 00:10:15,364
They were like,
"Now little girls everywhere,
178
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,326
little girls everywhere
179
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:19,910
will know it's possible."
180
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:25,625
Yeah, little girls everywhere else
already knew it was possible.
181
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:29,086
America's like the last place
to have a female leader.
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00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:33,007
She's not even really... the leader.
183
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:41,140
We're like, the last place to have
a female leader.
184
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:46,604
Kosovo's been a country for 13 years,
they've already had two female leaders.
185
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:51,484
Germany had Angela Merkel
for I don't know how long,
186
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,944
long enough for me
to know it's "An-guh-lah."
187
00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:01,160
Myanmar's one of the least
developed countries in Asia.
188
00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:05,373
It's had a female leader who's been
overthrown by the military twice!
189
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:10,586
And each time, that little Asian lady
claws her way back up to the top.
190
00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:16,425
She is definitely not a white woman.
191
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,595
She would've just stayed down
and been like, "This is not fair."
192
00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:25,684
"Little girls everywhere…"
193
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:30,147
Some people make the argument,
they're like, "Well, some people
194
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:33,484
just need to see it happen
to know it's possible."
195
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:36,487
All right, well then, you're not a leader.
196
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:39,824
That's like the exact opposite definition
of a leader.
197
00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:42,618
Like, "Guys, I'm gonna show you the way,
198
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:45,413
if you could just--
if I could follow you maybe."
199
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:50,084
And use that anywhere else,
you're in school.
200
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:52,795
You're in school,
you're looking at someone's paper,
201
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:53,754
and they're like--
202
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,298
the teacher comes up to you
and she's like, "What are you doing?"
203
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:59,677
And you're like,
"I just need to know it was possible."
204
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:02,763
"Little girls."
205
00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:06,475
And they only do this
when good things happen to women.
206
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,811
They don't do this
when bad things happen to women
207
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,355
or when women achieve bad things.
208
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:15,067
You know, like when Two Girls, One Cup
came out, no one was like...
209
00:12:18,195 --> 00:12:20,781
"Now little girls everywhere…"
210
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,708
I make fun of white women a lot.
211
00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:33,836
But only because it's fun and easy.
212
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:37,798
You know?
213
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:41,051
And white women,
we blame a lot of stuff on white men.
214
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:45,473
We blame a lot of stuff on white men,
which I think is a little bit crazy
215
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:47,224
because we did make you.
216
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,938
It's just made me very sure of one thing.
217
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:57,318
White women should never be allowed
to make robots.
218
00:12:57,401 --> 00:13:01,906
Before you get all, like huffy,
I'm not saying you can't make robots,
219
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:04,116
although I doubt it a little bit.
220
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,534
I'm not--
221
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:09,413
I'm just saying you
should never be allowed to make robots,
222
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,290
because if robots get out of hand
223
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:14,168
and start taking over everything
and being real evil,
224
00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:17,505
white women will be like,
"Well, I don't know, I just love 'em."
225
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,258
"I mean, not my robot."
226
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,681
Not all white women are bad.
227
00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:30,684
Some white women really do try
to put in the work.
228
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,353
They try to do good things.
229
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:34,563
You know, like, uh, two summers ago,
230
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,691
we realized that Black lives matter.
231
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:46,492
Then we fixed it. We did.
232
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:54,416
Waiting till two summers ago
to realize Black lives matter
233
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:57,711
is like needing to see that documentary
to know SeaWorld is bad.
234
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:01,757
Like, "Did you know whales
shouldn't live in a sink?"
235
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,475
But white women, they really put
in the work, you know?
236
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:16,438
We protested.
We made signs. We really tried.
237
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:20,734
But then something terrible happened
to a lot of white women.
238
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,570
Something terrible happened to us.
239
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:26,949
Some of us realized that we've actually
been racist this whole time.
240
00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:29,827
We were shocked!
241
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,496
We were so shocked,
we pulled our purse closer.
242
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,879
But after that, we were like,
"Well, from now on,
243
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:42,423
we're gonna learn, we're gonna listen,
244
00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:46,510
we're gonna hear, we're gonna open
a small Black business.
245
00:14:49,471 --> 00:14:51,348
But most importantly, from now on,
246
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:54,101
we're gonna do better.
We wanna do better."
247
00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:59,398
And all jokes aside, I think that's the
only way forward for us as a society.
248
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:04,236
You can't change the past.
All you can do is better moving forward.
249
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,281
And I think that's what
we should try to do.
250
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:09,158
[cheers and applause]
251
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:10,910
Except...
252
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:16,123
that's almost exactly
the same thing men said about #MeToo,
253
00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:19,043
and we found that answer
completely unacceptable.
254
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,756
Men were like,
"Us? The whole time?"
255
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,842
"Well, from now on,
we're gonna learn,
256
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,179
we're gonna listen,
257
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:34,475
we're gonna hear,
we're gonna open a small Black business.
258
00:15:37,227 --> 00:15:40,481
But most importantly, from now on,
we're gonna do better.
259
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:41,941
We wanna do better."
260
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:45,319
And we were like,
"No! Not good enough!
261
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:47,279
You all have to die!
262
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:51,325
It doesn't matter what you did,
you could've raped somebody
263
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:53,285
or accidentally whispered into a boob.
264
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:54,536
It's all the same!
265
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,414
And you have to die!"
266
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:01,835
#MeToo was
the worst-run movement I've ever seen.
267
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:04,463
We ran #MeToo like Amelia Earhart.
268
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,261
We crashed it immediately.
269
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:14,890
It should've been a conversation.
270
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:18,102
We needed to have a conversation about
these things, and you weren't even allowed
271
00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:19,269
to ask questions.
272
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:22,648
And I know men had questions,
because I had questions.
273
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:27,069
Like I'd hear some women say something
that was a #MeToo, and I'd be like,
274
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:31,156
"Hey, the thing that you just said is a
#MeToo, is actually a thing that I like."
275
00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:37,913
So how do we tell men about that?
276
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:42,960
Some women would be like, "Men shouldn't
use their power to have sex."
277
00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:44,503
And then other women would be like,
278
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:47,256
"I like it when men use their power
to have sex."
279
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:51,010
And then men were like,
"Can you tell us which one you are?
280
00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:55,431
And we were like,
"No! But for different reasons."
281
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:01,186
Some women would be like,
"This man, he hit on me at work.
282
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:04,064
It made me uncomfortable.
That's harassment."
283
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:07,234
It's like, "Okay, so do you
want no one to hit on you at work?"
284
00:17:07,317 --> 00:17:09,778
"No, I only want the men
who I want to hit on me
285
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,196
to hit on me at work."
286
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:17,536
"Okay, do you wanna
make, like, a list of who they are?"
287
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:19,413
"No, I'm mysterious."
288
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,126
"Well then, buckle up,
Nancy Drew,
289
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:26,837
you've got some uncomfortable
times headed your way."
290
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:31,258
White women, we do this all the time,
we say, "You made me uncomfortable.
291
00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,636
I'm uncomfortable."
Like we're supposed to be comfortable.
292
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,848
I've never been comfortable once
in my entire life.
293
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:41,560
When I'm about to fall asleep,
at my most relaxed,
294
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:46,023
when I'm about to fall asleep, my body
jerks awake, like, "Never rest, bitch!"
295
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:53,322
We say everything makes us uncomfortable--
men, women--
296
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,449
We say women make us uncomfortable.
297
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:57,242
That's the one I hate the most.
298
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,871
We say women of color, all the time,
we tell them they make us uncomfortable.
299
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:03,207
Like, a couple of years ago,
at the Super Bowl,
300
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:05,918
we say J. Lo and Shakira
made us uncomfortable.
301
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:08,212
A couple years before that
at the Super Bowl,
302
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:10,047
we said Beyoncé made us uncomfortable.
303
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,800
A couple years before that
at the Super Bowl,
304
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:15,594
we said Janet Jackson
made us uncomfortable.
305
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:19,389
I think a lot of white women only see
women of color at the Super Bowl.
306
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:23,143
They're like,
"This show is different than Friends."
307
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:27,648
But this one makes me so mad,
308
00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:31,735
because this one,
women, we say it's family values.
309
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:36,657
We say, "How dare those women move their
hips like that in front of my children
310
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:39,118
and my husband. It's immoral."
311
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:41,245
I don't think that's the word you meant.
312
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,413
I think you meant "jealous."
313
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:50,295
"How dare you show my husband
how hips can move like mine can't."
314
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:55,050
You ever seen a white woman try to twerk?
315
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,302
You ever seen it?
316
00:18:58,053 --> 00:19:01,765
It looks like Pinocchio trying to walk
as a real boy for the first time.
317
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,101
Just like...
318
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:11,525
"Am I doing it?"
319
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:15,654
Thank you, guys, very much.
I'm Michelle Wolf, have a good night.
320
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:17,197
[cheers and applause]
321
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,032
[Burr] Michelle Wolf, everybody!
322
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:21,869
Michelle Wolf, come on!
323
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:26,540
Killing it, killing it.
324
00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:29,585
All right, you guys hanging in there,
you're having a good time, right?
325
00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:31,670
Just keeps getting better.
326
00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,381
All right, this next guy comes all the way
from London, England,
327
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,550
one of the biggest comics out there,
328
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:40,304
he has a great special out called
His Dark Material on Netflix,
329
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:43,724
please welcome the one and only
Jimmy Carr, everybody, come on!
330
00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:45,934
[cheers and applause]
331
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:46,852
Nice.
332
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:51,690
Okay.
333
00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:59,239
Thank you, thank you very much.
334
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:04,494
Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Jimmy Carr.
335
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,663
It's great to be with you here
this evening.
336
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,498
I'll tell you why it's great to be here.
337
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:11,501
We're drinking, my friends,
in the Last Chance Saloon.
338
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:15,923
What I'm saying onstage tonight
is barely acceptable now.
339
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:20,177
In ten years' time,
fucking forget about it.
340
00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:24,306
You're gonna be able to tell your
grandchildren about seeing this show.
341
00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:25,891
Yeah.
342
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:29,645
You'll say,
"I saw a man, and he stood on stage,
343
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:32,689
and he made light of serious situations.
344
00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:35,484
We used to call them jokes.
345
00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,779
And people would laugh."
346
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:42,324
And your grandchildren
will ask, they'll say,
347
00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:44,993
"Non-binary elder."
348
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,955
[laughter]
349
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:54,670
"Non-binary elder,
what's a joke?"
350
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,924
And you'll say, "You are."
351
00:21:05,305 --> 00:21:09,476
I say you can joke about anything,
but not with anyone.
352
00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:12,896
I think with you good people this evening,
I should be fine, right?
353
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,606
[audience cheers]
354
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:19,361
Well, let's see, shall we?
355
00:21:20,570 --> 00:21:22,197
We'll put that to the test.
356
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:29,329
Having sex is like riding a bike…
my uncle taught me when I was a kid.
357
00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:39,006
People say the best things
in life are free,
358
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,758
but those people have clearly
never had sex.
359
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,768
I like it when the girl puts the condom
on for you,
360
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,229
but I was asked to leave the pharmacy.
361
00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:02,696
My girlfriend doesn't think that her
sister is trustworthy, but believe me,
362
00:22:02,779 --> 00:22:04,656
that girl can keep a secret.
363
00:22:12,539 --> 00:22:14,833
Is anyone here
in a controlling relationship?
364
00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:16,251
Raise your partner's hand.
365
00:22:18,587 --> 00:22:19,546
Yes.
366
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:30,599
I want One Direction to do a BTS covers
medley at my funeral, because that way,
367
00:22:30,682 --> 00:22:32,017
I'll be glad I'm dead.
368
00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:39,524
Now, you might think this is silly,
but I assure you it's absolutely true.
369
00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:44,654
When Zane left One Direction,
for me, it was like 9/11.
370
00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:48,784
Yeah, I didn't care about that either.
371
00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:57,876
Well, there's a real generational
divide there, I can see…
372
00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:02,005
Some people are looking at me like,
"9/11, steady on."
373
00:23:02,089 --> 00:23:04,049
And other people
are looking at me like,
374
00:23:04,132 --> 00:23:06,551
"One Direction,
don't take their name in vain!"
375
00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:13,642
I was actually supposed to be on one
of the planes on 9/11.
376
00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:16,311
But the more interesting story
is how I met Osama.
377
00:23:23,860 --> 00:23:28,323
When you're young, pedophiles are
something to laugh at, the local creep.
378
00:23:28,406 --> 00:23:33,328
But then you grow up, have your own kids,
with their own unique personalities
379
00:23:33,411 --> 00:23:36,456
and quirks and difficulties,
and it suddenly hits you.
380
00:23:36,998 --> 00:23:39,835
"What the fuck do these pedos
see in these little shits?"
381
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:48,176
I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson
impersonation,
382
00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:49,761
would you like to see it?
383
00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:51,221
[audience cheers]
384
00:23:52,013 --> 00:23:55,642
Okay, I just need a young volunteer who
can keep a secret, come on up.
385
00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:57,352
Yeah.
386
00:23:57,435 --> 00:23:59,229
What are you getting up for?
387
00:24:00,438 --> 00:24:02,524
Wait a second, this is a teachable moment.
388
00:24:02,607 --> 00:24:05,694
If a grown man beckons you forth,
389
00:24:06,194 --> 00:24:08,029
as he undoes his flies,
390
00:24:09,531 --> 00:24:11,825
this is some stranger danger, son.
391
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:14,452
What's your name?
392
00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:16,246
-Mikey.
-[Carr] Mikey.
393
00:24:16,329 --> 00:24:18,415
Let's hear it for Mikey, everyone.
394
00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:20,876
That-- because, you know why?
395
00:24:22,711 --> 00:24:25,088
That is commitment to a night out
at a comedy show.
396
00:24:26,256 --> 00:24:28,508
That is a young man
that's thought to himself,
397
00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:31,219
"Oh, it's the bit in the show
where I suck his cock. Great!"
398
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:38,059
Everyone loved Michael Jackson
in the '80s, right?
399
00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:41,771
He was the coolest guy in the world.
Coolest guy in the world, bar none.
400
00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:45,859
And really, the high point of that cool
was the moonwalk at the Grammys.
401
00:24:45,942 --> 00:24:48,486
Remember that? People lost their minds
at how cool it was,
402
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:51,406
when really, the moonwalk was no more
than-- it was that.
403
00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:56,536
I know I'm not nailing this,
but that was the gist of it, right?
404
00:24:56,620 --> 00:24:59,539
That was the coolest shit
we'd ever fucking seen!
405
00:24:59,623 --> 00:25:02,667
Of course, we didn't realize at the time,
it had been developed
406
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:05,670
for sneaking in and out
of children's bedrooms. We had no idea.
407
00:25:07,047 --> 00:25:08,965
It's so obvious now.
408
00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:12,219
Now, I've never fucked a kid.
409
00:25:12,302 --> 00:25:14,221
I nearly did just then, didn't I?
410
00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:16,765
But I've never fucked a kid.
411
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:19,935
But if I did fuck a kid, I think I know
how I'd leave the room.
412
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,735
Do you remember the incident in the '90s
with Michael Jackson?
413
00:25:28,818 --> 00:25:33,073
Where he was on tour in Germany?
He had the whole top floor of a hotel?
414
00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:38,912
And he had the baby, and he held the baby
over the balcony, and he shook the baby.
415
00:25:39,871 --> 00:25:40,914
Crazy.
416
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:44,042
You can't get cum off a baby like that.
417
00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:51,424
[cheers and applause]
418
00:25:52,550 --> 00:25:55,553
Somewhat ironically that has really
separated the men from the boys,
419
00:25:55,637 --> 00:25:56,721
hasn't it?
420
00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:01,601
I've been Jimmy Carr,
thank you very much indeed.
421
00:26:01,685 --> 00:26:03,061
Cheers. Good night. Thank you.
422
00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:05,021
Cheers.
423
00:26:05,772 --> 00:26:07,274
[Burr] Jimmy Carr, everybody.
424
00:26:08,483 --> 00:26:10,485
Not bad for a foreigner, huh?
425
00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:13,571
Yeah, he comes from England.
426
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,241
That's ground zero
for white people right there.
427
00:26:16,866 --> 00:26:17,951
Yes, it is.
428
00:26:18,034 --> 00:26:22,330
That's why I got the vaccine, because they
were testing it out in England first.
429
00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:26,835
And I'm like, "That's the whitest fucking
place ever. That shit must work." Right?
430
00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:30,797
If they tried it out initially in Haiti,
I'd be like, "All right.
431
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,967
My people are up
to their old tricks again."
432
00:26:34,050 --> 00:26:36,469
"Are they putting it in blankets?"
433
00:26:37,053 --> 00:26:39,222
"Oh!" It happened.
434
00:26:39,306 --> 00:26:41,474
You're groaning history,
you fucking pussies.
435
00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:44,311
All right, let's keep this show
moving along.
436
00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:47,731
This next comedian, I actually just
saw a clip of her on Instagram
437
00:26:47,814 --> 00:26:50,025
a couple months ago
and instantly became a huge fan.
438
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,610
She's absolutely hilarious.
I love her to death.
439
00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:55,822
Please welcome Steph Tolev, everybody.
Come on, Steph Tolev.
440
00:26:55,905 --> 00:26:57,282
[cheers and applause]
441
00:26:57,365 --> 00:26:58,950
-[Burr] Welcome back.
-[Tolev shouts]
442
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:00,785
Hey!
443
00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:02,620
How the hell are we?
444
00:27:03,663 --> 00:27:07,334
This is nice, 'scuse me,
gotta air out the puss, huh?
445
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:11,463
Gotta let the big ol' gal breathe a bit,
huh, ladies?
446
00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:15,175
Take in a deep, big breath of air, huh?
447
00:27:15,258 --> 00:27:17,177
I'm wearing shorts, what are you, 16?
448
00:27:17,260 --> 00:27:19,929
You're like, "Whoopsies,
excuse me, how are we?"
449
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:21,598
I'm kidding, I check IDs.
450
00:27:21,681 --> 00:27:23,391
How are we? This is fun.
451
00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:25,352
How do we like the mullet?
452
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:27,896
[audience cheers]
453
00:27:27,979 --> 00:27:30,940
Okay, now that's a reaction!
454
00:27:31,024 --> 00:27:32,984
Did any straight men clap?
455
00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:37,322
Not enough of you, not enough!
456
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:39,616
Damn it all to hell.
457
00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:42,952
I am straight, and this haircut is not
fucking helping me.
458
00:27:44,162 --> 00:27:47,749
Neither is anything I'm doing right now.
Does this help, if I take a knee?
459
00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:49,125
Is this what men like?
460
00:27:49,751 --> 00:27:51,711
When a gal gets down like this?
461
00:27:52,629 --> 00:27:54,631
I'm straight, I'll prove it right now,
I swear to God.
462
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:57,467
Little guy, get up here, I'll jerk you off
right now, I swear to God.
463
00:27:57,967 --> 00:28:00,678
Bring your little friend,
I'll do you both at the same time.
464
00:28:00,762 --> 00:28:02,680
Yeah! Fuck!
465
00:28:03,723 --> 00:28:05,433
Like those ropes in the gym...
466
00:28:05,517 --> 00:28:08,269
All right! Here we go! Fuck!
467
00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:10,688
I'll make 'em slap, don't worry.
468
00:28:10,772 --> 00:28:13,149
Oh, it's not gonna feel good, no, no, no.
469
00:28:13,233 --> 00:28:15,443
No, you're not gonna like it at all.
470
00:28:16,194 --> 00:28:20,115
I'll make sure you finish, don't worry.
[laughs evilly]
471
00:28:20,198 --> 00:28:21,741
It'll take a while.
472
00:28:24,244 --> 00:28:26,746
I'm so sorry,
I don't wanna be like this, um...
473
00:28:27,414 --> 00:28:28,706
I've tried women, I have.
474
00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:31,418
You're like, "We know."
I've tried several times.
475
00:28:31,501 --> 00:28:33,420
I keep ending up down there, I'm like,
476
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:35,547
"This again?
What the heck am I eating out?"
477
00:28:35,630 --> 00:28:37,966
I finish my plate though,
I'm not rude.
478
00:28:38,383 --> 00:28:40,969
I'm not gonna leave it, that's rude,
I lick the whole thing clean.
479
00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:43,555
What am I, a waste? I don't think so.
480
00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:46,641
Oh, I'm not a rude person, I swear to God.
481
00:28:47,517 --> 00:28:49,728
Dating in LA is a nightmare, can we agree?
482
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:51,646
It's a fucking piece of shit, dating here?
483
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:52,814
-[light cheering]
-Yeah.
484
00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:55,984
Four people, the rest of you are in love.
Go suck my ass.
485
00:28:56,067 --> 00:28:57,360
Pieces of shit.
486
00:28:57,444 --> 00:29:00,739
I'm a boiled ham
in Los Angeles on Tinder.
487
00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:03,992
Don't-- Relax, I'm a hot piece
in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
488
00:29:04,075 --> 00:29:05,160
So don't worry.
489
00:29:05,243 --> 00:29:07,829
Yeah, get my tits sucked right off
490
00:29:07,912 --> 00:29:09,706
in Michigan, feels good.
491
00:29:09,789 --> 00:29:13,752
I will say though, I did clean up on
Tinder in LA during the pandemic because,
492
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:17,380
ooh, all the hot boys, you got real sad,
didn't ya?
493
00:29:19,007 --> 00:29:20,633
You got real lonely.
494
00:29:21,301 --> 00:29:23,178
And you got real desperate.
495
00:29:24,679 --> 00:29:28,099
And all the pretty blond girls
didn't swipe right, did they?
496
00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:32,228
Guess who did? [laughs]
497
00:29:32,312 --> 00:29:35,940
Old Stephy T. crawled out of the well.
[laughs]
498
00:29:36,566 --> 00:29:38,485
Oh yeah, I fucked a bunch of tens.
499
00:29:38,568 --> 00:29:39,778
Felt good, felt good.
500
00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:43,072
Yeah, thank you, it felt good to be on top
for once, it really did.
501
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:46,159
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
502
00:29:46,242 --> 00:29:49,370
One cried. Paul.
Yeah, he was very upset.
503
00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:52,791
He's like, "Can we please turn lights
off?" I'm like, "We're keeping them on."
504
00:29:53,541 --> 00:29:56,920
I was being disgusting during
the pandemic, just being a gross person.
505
00:29:57,003 --> 00:29:58,296
I was having sex outside.
506
00:29:58,379 --> 00:30:01,007
I'm like, "You can't get COVID
if you're in a field."
507
00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:05,220
You can get chlamydia, though.
You can, you can.
508
00:30:05,303 --> 00:30:10,433
Yeah, but is it chlamydia
if all of the STD clinics are closed?
509
00:30:12,393 --> 00:30:15,647
Yeah, it was chlamydia, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
510
00:30:15,730 --> 00:30:18,483
You need a pill for that drip,
big time, big time.
511
00:30:20,693 --> 00:30:22,821
Only person who's had an STD, shut up.
512
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:25,740
I'll come by and check your underwear
one by one.
513
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:28,409
You're like, "This is very strange,
please don't."
514
00:30:28,493 --> 00:30:30,662
Are you pigs still 69-ing out there?
515
00:30:31,704 --> 00:30:32,956
[audience cheering]
516
00:30:33,581 --> 00:30:36,918
Disgusting, every last one of you.
I think it should be a federal offense.
517
00:30:37,001 --> 00:30:39,379
You should be arrested on sight
for doing it.
518
00:30:39,462 --> 00:30:40,880
It's for young, hot, thin people.
519
00:30:40,964 --> 00:30:44,634
You get older, you get bigger,
things get slippy, things get sloppy.
520
00:30:45,885 --> 00:30:48,847
I got duped by a man at 10:00 a.m.
with two rattails.
521
00:30:49,973 --> 00:30:51,224
It's a lot to unpack.
522
00:30:51,307 --> 00:30:52,642
Take that in for a second.
523
00:30:53,184 --> 00:30:55,937
Two rattails?
One rattail too many.
524
00:30:57,313 --> 00:30:59,774
Two rattails?
Two too many.
525
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:02,318
10:00 a.m., 69 lady?
526
00:31:02,402 --> 00:31:04,112
No one's ready for that.
527
00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:07,991
On all fours, sun beaming directly
into your asshole.
528
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:12,787
Oh, you all have pristine anuses
in this room?
529
00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:14,247
I don't think so.
530
00:31:14,706 --> 00:31:17,375
The same mullet on my head,
also over my asshole.
531
00:31:17,458 --> 00:31:20,378
Doesn't matter how many times I shave.
532
00:31:20,461 --> 00:31:22,630
There's a couple stragglers
back there, huh?
533
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:27,844
Couple loosies peeking out to say,
"Hello! Miss me?"
534
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:32,265
I'm on all fours, sucking in,
535
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:34,684
I'm tucking in, everything's hanging out.
536
00:31:34,767 --> 00:31:37,979
Oh, only one other woman
has a fat labia? Yeah, right.
537
00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:41,900
No one has the old dog tongue,
just hanging out the side?
538
00:31:41,983 --> 00:31:44,444
I'm the only one? Relax.
539
00:31:46,112 --> 00:31:49,824
I'm holding onto his ankles,
his feet are so dirty for some reason.
540
00:31:50,825 --> 00:31:54,537
Covered with hair and crumbs, I'm like,
"Where were you before this, man?
541
00:31:55,204 --> 00:31:58,833
"Walking around a play place?
Turn on a sock, what are you doing?"
542
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:02,211
Looking at his long,
disgusting balls.
543
00:32:02,295 --> 00:32:05,506
I'm like, "I don't think they're supposed
to be stretched out like this, why is it?
544
00:32:05,590 --> 00:32:08,426
It just looks like something
ran it over before you got here.
545
00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:11,804
You need to seek medical attention
immediately after this."
546
00:32:13,014 --> 00:32:16,851
Sniffing the tip
of his disgusting penis.
547
00:32:16,935 --> 00:32:21,314
Every man in this room thinks that women
smell down there.
548
00:32:21,397 --> 00:32:25,526
I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but, your cock fucking reeks.
549
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:26,444
Sorry.
550
00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:28,321
Excuse me.
551
00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:31,407
Yeah, the guys got real quiet, huh?
552
00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:35,203
Let's see who we got here, guy
in the front row. You've got a stinker.
553
00:32:35,286 --> 00:32:40,124
You've got an old, tiny,
middle of a book stink, huh?
554
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:43,044
The Old Testament, this guy smells like.
555
00:32:46,172 --> 00:32:48,800
So easy to clean it, simple stuff.
556
00:32:48,883 --> 00:32:52,303
Go to the bathroom, fill up the sink,
dip him in.
557
00:32:53,554 --> 00:32:57,350
Splish splash, just the tip, mwah,
a little smooch to the water.
558
00:32:58,184 --> 00:33:00,937
You don't think every girl in here
has gone to freshen up?
559
00:33:01,020 --> 00:33:04,357
You guys know what freshening up means?
When we go, "Be right back!"
560
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:05,316
[laughs]
561
00:33:06,109 --> 00:33:08,736
In the bathroom,
sink on, leg up, full blast like...
562
00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:11,531
"Fuck me! Fuck!
563
00:33:11,614 --> 00:33:13,116
He's gonna know!"
564
00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:18,287
Using that watered-down soap,
if there's no suds, that's no longer soap.
565
00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:20,748
That's water in a jar.
566
00:33:22,041 --> 00:33:25,044
Using that crusted towel,
just wipes the water around.
567
00:33:25,128 --> 00:33:27,422
Come out dripping, he's like,
"You ready to go?"
568
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:31,884
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm horny, let's fucking
do this. You made me so wet."
569
00:33:34,929 --> 00:33:36,222
Men don't like funny women.
570
00:33:36,305 --> 00:33:38,474
You say you do, you say you want it.
No, you don't.
571
00:33:38,558 --> 00:33:40,184
No you don't, you're liars.
572
00:33:40,268 --> 00:33:41,602
Especially in the bedroom.
573
00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:45,231
Not the time, not the place,
don't bring the jokes to the boudoir.
574
00:33:45,314 --> 00:33:48,818
Kept doing this one bit where I take out
a guy's dick and go, "Is this thing on?"
575
00:33:48,901 --> 00:33:50,528
Never got a laugh, not once.
576
00:33:51,070 --> 00:33:53,698
Did it for a year, it was like,
"Read the room."
577
00:33:53,781 --> 00:33:55,825
Kept doing this other bit,
this one I had to stop
578
00:33:55,908 --> 00:33:58,369
because guys were getting
freaked out before we'd finish up.
579
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:02,832
He'd be like, "Oh, what do I do with
the condom?" I'm like, "I'll take that."
580
00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:05,334
"I'm saving it for later!"
581
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:08,796
And I would pretend that I had a weird
582
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:12,550
mini-fridge in my room for some reason,
I'm like, "It's still warm." [growls]
583
00:34:13,092 --> 00:34:16,471
I'm like, "Why am I acting like a gargoyle
the second sex is finished?"
584
00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:19,223
So if anybody wants
to come back to my well tonight,
585
00:34:19,307 --> 00:34:21,476
I got a little bit more room
in the fridge. [growls]
586
00:34:21,559 --> 00:34:23,936
Thank you so much, my name is Steph Tolev.
587
00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:25,772
[cheers and applause]
588
00:34:26,481 --> 00:34:28,816
Steph Tolev, everybody, Steph Tolev.
589
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:29,734
Come on!
590
00:34:30,485 --> 00:34:33,780
Amazing, amazing.
591
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:38,242
"Middle of a book stink."
I don't think I'll forget that.
592
00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:43,289
I don't even read,
and I know what that smells like.
593
00:34:44,332 --> 00:34:47,794
The next people coming to the stage,
two of my favorite comedians
594
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:50,880
actually come out together and do
something called "Bumping Mics."
595
00:34:50,963 --> 00:34:54,133
Please welcome Jeff Ross and Dave Attell.
596
00:34:54,675 --> 00:34:56,427
[cheers and applause]
597
00:34:56,511 --> 00:34:57,553
What's up?
598
00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:01,641
Here you go. Boom!
599
00:35:02,308 --> 00:35:03,643
Bump it out!
600
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:06,229
-How's it going, everybody?
-Bump it out!
601
00:35:06,312 --> 00:35:07,188
Yes!
602
00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:10,191
That's what I'm talking about!
603
00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:11,359
Awesome!
604
00:35:12,652 --> 00:35:14,445
-Yeah!
-Look at it.
605
00:35:14,529 --> 00:35:15,947
This is amazing, Dave.
606
00:35:16,030 --> 00:35:18,032
-Welcome to Hollywood, baby.
-We did it.
607
00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:21,285
Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival,
what do you think?
608
00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:24,372
Dude, I am so excited,
I gotta tell you something.
609
00:35:24,872 --> 00:35:28,417
First of all, I haven't seen this guy
in like, three variants.
610
00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:29,877
And you know,
611
00:35:30,586 --> 00:35:33,297
Jeff, I know, um,
you can't stay all night
612
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:36,509
because you have to get up early
to work security at a food court.
613
00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:37,552
But, um...
614
00:35:39,846 --> 00:35:41,305
Thanks, Dave.
615
00:35:41,389 --> 00:35:42,890
It's a slamfest, my friend.
616
00:35:42,974 --> 00:35:45,893
I'm gonna be nice to you,
I don't wanna tease you because...
617
00:35:46,435 --> 00:35:47,603
you know, Dave and I,
618
00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:50,356
Dave's had some health issues,
we have the same doctor.
619
00:35:50,439 --> 00:35:54,402
My proctologist is Dave's
ear, nose, and throat doctor.
620
00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:57,613
Jeff, you know what?
621
00:35:57,697 --> 00:36:00,366
Dave's… I'm gonna
keep going, motherfucker.
622
00:36:00,449 --> 00:36:02,910
Go ahead, buddy,
hit me with something already.
623
00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:05,705
Dave's not on TikTok,
but he does have seconds to live.
624
00:36:07,582 --> 00:36:09,500
Everyone loves a math joke.
625
00:36:09,584 --> 00:36:12,336
-Can I do some more? Can I-- Hold on!
-Dave how long have you...
626
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:13,671
-Can I do some...
-No!
627
00:36:13,754 --> 00:36:17,383
Dave's not just a good comedian,
he's also a great impressionist.
628
00:36:17,466 --> 00:36:20,720
Every night he does an impression
of Amber Heard when he shits his bed.
629
00:36:21,762 --> 00:36:24,765
Oh, dude, all right, that's it.
630
00:36:25,933 --> 00:36:27,560
Hey, it's time for me to go.
631
00:36:27,643 --> 00:36:28,728
All right?
632
00:36:28,811 --> 00:36:31,272
Jeff, you know, I have to tell you this,
all right?
633
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:34,192
You're the kind of guy who buys a gerbil,
but keeps the receipt,
634
00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:36,402
just in case it doesn't fit.
All right?
635
00:36:36,903 --> 00:36:38,863
They grow, they grow.
636
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:40,948
I'm just telling you, buddy.
637
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:43,034
I don't care, Dave,
I'm feeling invincible.
638
00:36:43,117 --> 00:36:45,328
I just got my 38th vaccine shot.
639
00:36:45,411 --> 00:36:46,287
[Attell] Sweet.
640
00:36:46,370 --> 00:36:49,498
Johnson & Johnson & Johnson
& Johnson & Johnson & Johnson...
641
00:36:49,582 --> 00:36:50,499
[Attell] That's the best.
642
00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:54,253
I've been licking strangers' assholes
at the airport all day, I feel great.
643
00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:55,171
Oh, why not?
644
00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:57,215
Did you get vaccinated?
645
00:36:57,298 --> 00:36:59,800
Well, I'm old, so I got mine in 1919.
646
00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:03,179
You know, it was me, Chaplin, and...
647
00:37:04,013 --> 00:37:07,516
This crowd's so young, they don't even
know what we're talking about here.
648
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:11,103
I got COVID.
Any other COVID survivors?
649
00:37:11,187 --> 00:37:12,980
[audience cheers]
650
00:37:13,064 --> 00:37:15,316
Anybody else lose their sense of taste?
651
00:37:17,109 --> 00:37:19,654
I went to see the Dave Matthews Band
at the Greek.
652
00:37:23,282 --> 00:37:24,575
-Nice one.
-Thanks.
653
00:37:24,659 --> 00:37:25,534
[Attell] Wow.
654
00:37:25,618 --> 00:37:28,746
It was touch and go with Nickelback
for a while, but I'm okay now.
655
00:37:28,829 --> 00:37:30,665
Jeff, you're killing it tonight.
656
00:37:30,748 --> 00:37:32,250
It's good times, Dave.
657
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:35,711
And look at this crowd, dude, I know how
you love to jump into the crowd.
658
00:37:35,795 --> 00:37:37,630
You are the Roastmaster.
Are you going down?
659
00:37:37,713 --> 00:37:40,341
Go down, buddy.
Get down there.
660
00:37:41,550 --> 00:37:43,719
Here he comes, everyone, the Roastmaster.
661
00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:44,929
[Ross] Oh, look at this guy.
662
00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:47,139
Fully vaxxed, fully waxed.
663
00:37:47,223 --> 00:37:49,475
All right. Who wants to say hi?
You want to say hi?
664
00:37:49,558 --> 00:37:51,227
-Stand up for a second.
-Oh.
665
00:37:51,310 --> 00:37:53,312
Look, it's Dave Chappelle's
security guard.
666
00:37:53,396 --> 00:37:54,230
Wow.
667
00:37:55,523 --> 00:37:57,525
I got a question for this guy.
668
00:37:57,608 --> 00:37:59,277
-What?
-What's your name, buddy?
669
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:00,236
My name's Ari.
670
00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:02,405
Ari, what time does Legoland open?
671
00:38:02,488 --> 00:38:03,864
I wanna know...
672
00:38:06,033 --> 00:38:08,619
Who you here with, Ari?
The rest of the yeshiva?
673
00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:14,250
This guy right here,
the whole cast of Squid Game.
674
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:15,918
-[Attell] Yes!
-Thank you for coming.
675
00:38:16,752 --> 00:38:19,714
I won a lot of money on you, man.
Way to go.
676
00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:21,841
This is like an infomercial for My Pillow.
677
00:38:21,924 --> 00:38:22,800
I love it.
678
00:38:23,426 --> 00:38:24,844
Miss, how ya doing?
679
00:38:24,927 --> 00:38:27,263
Dave, you have a cat joke for this woman?
680
00:38:27,346 --> 00:38:28,180
Nice.
681
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:31,642
-What's your name?
-Kat.
682
00:38:35,021 --> 00:38:38,607
Jeff, we only got seven minutes before
they take back the audio. Come on.
683
00:38:39,275 --> 00:38:40,818
Get back up here, dude.
684
00:38:41,402 --> 00:38:42,903
We have to bring it, buddy.
685
00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:47,366
-It's a good crowd, Dave, very good crowd.
-They're awesome.
686
00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:49,952
-I got a big week coming up.
-What are you doing?
687
00:38:50,036 --> 00:38:53,331
I have an audition tomorrow
for Alec Baldwin's new sitcom.
688
00:38:53,414 --> 00:38:54,498
What is it?
689
00:38:54,582 --> 00:38:56,292
Yeah, it's called "30 Glock."
690
00:38:58,627 --> 00:39:01,881
It's a cross between Just Shoot Me!
and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
691
00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:02,840
Oh, my God.
692
00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:05,760
-Is nothing sacred?
-Nothing.
693
00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:07,720
What about you?
What's going on with you?
694
00:39:07,803 --> 00:39:10,765
Well, you saw that movie about my career,
A Quiet Place?
695
00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:12,308
-Yeah.
-And, um...
696
00:39:13,893 --> 00:39:16,979
I don't know what to tell ya,
buddy, um...
697
00:39:17,063 --> 00:39:18,689
We comics, we need each other.
698
00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:20,941
-And we need to laugh more than ever.
-[Attell] We do.
699
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:25,196
I wanna give a shout-out to my friend,
and Dave's favorite comic of all time,
700
00:39:25,279 --> 00:39:27,406
Gilbert Gottfried
who passed away recently.
701
00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:28,908
One of the greats.
702
00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:32,495
He was a great guy.
703
00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:37,750
I was with him the night
before he passed away,
704
00:39:37,833 --> 00:39:39,251
and then you went to see him.
705
00:39:39,335 --> 00:39:41,712
You might be the last person
that ever saw him alive.
706
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:44,799
Yes, I'll never forget holding
that pillow over his head.
707
00:39:44,882 --> 00:39:48,094
And-- I was trying
to make him comfortable.
708
00:39:49,678 --> 00:39:54,517
In honor of our friend Gilbert,
can we have a moment of screaming?
709
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:55,434
Yes.
710
00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:59,313
[audience screams]
711
00:40:00,606 --> 00:40:02,900
Thank you, I love you guys so much.
712
00:40:02,983 --> 00:40:06,779
-Can we bring Bill out for a second?
-[Attell] Yeah, let's bring Bill out.
713
00:40:06,862 --> 00:40:08,114
Here he comes.
714
00:40:08,531 --> 00:40:10,449
-What's up, gentlemen?
-Captain of the ship.
715
00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:11,450
Hi, Bill.
716
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:13,994
I don't like standing
in between the two of you guys.
717
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:17,373
Feel like you're gonna say something,
make me hurt my feelings or something.
718
00:40:17,456 --> 00:40:19,375
Thanks for having us on your shitty show.
719
00:40:19,458 --> 00:40:20,292
It's awesome.
720
00:40:20,376 --> 00:40:24,088
Well, they said we want to get some
of the shittiest comics we could find,
721
00:40:24,171 --> 00:40:26,715
-and I said, "I can get you two for one."
-[Attell] Thank you.
722
00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:28,342
[all laugh]
723
00:40:29,218 --> 00:40:30,052
Hey!
724
00:40:31,011 --> 00:40:32,138
[Attell] Good hit, Bill.
725
00:40:32,805 --> 00:40:33,889
[Ross] That's good.
726
00:40:33,973 --> 00:40:36,350
Why are you wearing a children's bathrobe?
727
00:40:37,977 --> 00:40:39,186
Nice one, Bill.
728
00:40:39,770 --> 00:40:42,356
I always wondered what
the Blue Man Group would look like
729
00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:45,025
when they weren't wearing the makeup.
And it's--
730
00:40:48,028 --> 00:40:49,947
Oh, guilty as charged.
731
00:40:50,030 --> 00:40:51,949
I like it.
I like it, Dave.
732
00:40:52,032 --> 00:40:54,160
Dave, I gotta tell you,
you're my favorite hoarder.
733
00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:55,536
[laughs] Thank you.
734
00:40:58,247 --> 00:41:01,709
Nice to see you wore your clean jacket
for this TV taping.
735
00:41:02,168 --> 00:41:05,504
Bill, and I can never thank you
enough for letting me live in your car.
736
00:41:05,588 --> 00:41:06,839
I really...
737
00:41:07,381 --> 00:41:09,508
Dave's dressed for Wednesday and Thursday.
738
00:41:09,592 --> 00:41:10,551
Thank you.
739
00:41:11,677 --> 00:41:15,639
You look like that guy they interview on
the news, "This guy was here to see it!"
740
00:41:15,723 --> 00:41:18,225
-Nice.
-"Can you tell us what happened, sir?"
741
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:19,685
You guys...
742
00:41:19,768 --> 00:41:22,521
-Bill Burr is such a great guy…
-Fuck you, Jeff.
743
00:41:22,605 --> 00:41:24,315
-A great comedian.
-Get off the stage.
744
00:41:24,398 --> 00:41:25,649
He is.
He's one of the best.
745
00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:29,153
This guy's so New England,
he's the color of clam chowder.
746
00:41:29,236 --> 00:41:30,863
[all laugh]
747
00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:32,948
[Attell] Nice.
748
00:41:33,032 --> 00:41:35,201
-[Burr] Oh, that one hurt.
-[Attell] You got him.
749
00:41:35,284 --> 00:41:36,368
You got him good.
750
00:41:37,244 --> 00:41:39,788
You look like you just got fished
out of a lake.
751
00:41:40,664 --> 00:41:43,876
Jeff looks like Bill if he made
way better choices.
752
00:41:46,545 --> 00:41:47,838
I'm good with that.
753
00:41:47,922 --> 00:41:50,257
-Yes.
-I look like Bill Burp.
754
00:41:51,926 --> 00:41:54,887
I have the best job because I get to work
with my favorite comedian.
755
00:41:54,970 --> 00:41:56,347
-Aw, thanks.
-Thank you, Dave.
756
00:41:56,430 --> 00:41:57,848
Thank you for coming to LA.
757
00:41:57,932 --> 00:41:59,600
Thank you for having me
on the show.
758
00:41:59,683 --> 00:42:01,936
-Thank you guys for being awesome.
-Jeff Ross, Dave Attell.
759
00:42:02,019 --> 00:42:02,978
Bill Burr.
760
00:42:03,062 --> 00:42:05,314
-"Bumping Mics."
-Thank you, Bill.
761
00:42:05,397 --> 00:42:07,483
Leaving me hanging on the five.
762
00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:10,736
"Bumping Mics."
Jeff Ross, Dave Attell.
763
00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:15,157
Two Jews without money.
You don't see that a lot.
764
00:42:20,412 --> 00:42:22,748
They really looked homeless, didn't they?
765
00:42:22,831 --> 00:42:26,168
This next guy coming to the stage,
he's one of my favorite comics,
766
00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:28,712
I started out with him a long time ago
back in New York,
767
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,922
when we both had hair.
768
00:42:30,005 --> 00:42:32,925
He's one of the best joke writers
I ever met, and a tremendous person.
769
00:42:33,008 --> 00:42:35,844
Please welcome Ian Edwards, everybody.
Come on!
770
00:42:35,928 --> 00:42:38,806
[cheers and applause]
771
00:42:41,058 --> 00:42:42,268
What's up, everybody?
772
00:42:43,727 --> 00:42:44,728
How's everybody doing?
773
00:42:44,812 --> 00:42:46,814
[audience cheering]
774
00:42:47,982 --> 00:42:51,569
Shit, I'm the only Black guy on the show,
and I gotta follow two white guys.
775
00:42:52,945 --> 00:42:53,988
Everybody good?
776
00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:55,656
[audience cheering]
777
00:42:55,739 --> 00:42:56,907
All right, that's dope.
778
00:42:56,991 --> 00:43:00,327
All right, Jimmy earlier was talking
about Michael Jackson.
779
00:43:00,411 --> 00:43:04,039
And I spent a lot of the pandemic
watching TV.
780
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:08,043
If you have seen
the Michael Jackson documentary on HBO
781
00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:10,754
and still listen to his music,
782
00:43:11,297 --> 00:43:13,799
you are a piece of shit.
783
00:43:15,801 --> 00:43:17,720
Straight trash.
784
00:43:19,805 --> 00:43:23,350
Now, I on the other hand,
have not seen the documentary.
785
00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:32,401
So I can listen to his music guilt-free,
you know what I'm saying?
786
00:43:33,652 --> 00:43:35,946
Y'all fucked-up, I found a loophole.
787
00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:41,577
Michael Jackson for life, baby. Yeah.
788
00:43:42,244 --> 00:43:45,080
I even canceled my HBO subscription.
789
00:43:46,540 --> 00:43:49,293
Just so I don't stumble across that shit
on accident.
790
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:53,839
I'm sorry, y'all, I was raised
on Michael Jackson,
791
00:43:53,922 --> 00:43:56,508
and I heard he ruined
those kids' childhood.
792
00:43:57,009 --> 00:43:59,511
I ain't gonna watch that shit
and have him ruin mine.
793
00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:08,937
Also watched Handmaid's Tale.
Any Handmaid's Tale fans in the house?
794
00:44:09,021 --> 00:44:10,356
[audience cheering]
795
00:44:10,439 --> 00:44:11,774
All right, we got some.
796
00:44:12,232 --> 00:44:16,820
It's based on a book written in 1984,
and it's a fictional story,
797
00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:19,156
set in a dystopian future,
798
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:22,743
where a totalitarian government
enslaves America,
799
00:44:22,826 --> 00:44:25,829
and then we have a hero,
her name is June Osborne,
800
00:44:25,913 --> 00:44:29,583
and she rescues her baby,
and then stays behind.
801
00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:33,545
And then she rescues 78 other people,
and then stays behind.
802
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:38,342
Then she escapes, comes back,
and rescues 25 other people.
803
00:44:38,884 --> 00:44:43,138
And I was talking to the homie,
and I was like, "Wait a minute.
804
00:44:43,889 --> 00:44:45,641
This is the Harriet Tubman story."
805
00:44:50,896 --> 00:44:53,982
It's like the author
moved slavery to the future,
806
00:44:54,650 --> 00:44:56,944
and made white women the heroes.
807
00:44:58,529 --> 00:44:59,988
Which is fucked-up.
808
00:45:01,365 --> 00:45:03,992
'Cause Black people,
we didn't want slavery,
809
00:45:05,035 --> 00:45:07,329
but now you can't steal it from us.
810
00:45:11,291 --> 00:45:13,919
And then charge us money
to watch it on Hulu.
811
00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:19,716
Now we gotta pay for this shit twice?
812
00:45:24,221 --> 00:45:26,557
And now you can't even make
the Harriet Tubman story,
813
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:30,477
'cause everybody's gonna be like,
"Hey, man, that's Handmaid's Tale.
814
00:45:33,897 --> 00:45:37,901
I can't believe these Black people
are culturally appropriating from us."
815
00:45:41,071 --> 00:45:43,615
I'm glad the pandemic is over.
816
00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:47,369
You know, one thing I do miss
about the pandemic was the no traffic.
817
00:45:47,953 --> 00:45:51,081
Like, no traffic in LA was mwah!
818
00:45:51,165 --> 00:45:52,040
Right?
819
00:45:54,710 --> 00:45:58,714
Right? I used to get in my car during the
pandemic, and the homies would be like,
820
00:45:58,797 --> 00:46:01,216
"Where are you going?"
And I'd be like, "Nowhere.
821
00:46:02,259 --> 00:46:05,637
I just wanna see how long
it really takes to get there."
822
00:46:08,390 --> 00:46:09,600
"Two minutes?
823
00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:15,272
Why the fuck did this shit
used to take five days?"
824
00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:18,400
But now traffic is back.
825
00:46:19,026 --> 00:46:21,278
Don't you all feel frustrated in traffic?
826
00:46:22,029 --> 00:46:26,074
Yeah? Am I the only person here that feels
like murdering someone in traffic?
827
00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:28,577
All right, cool.
828
00:46:28,660 --> 00:46:33,790
That makes me comfortable enough to admit
to y'all that regular traffic bugs me
829
00:46:33,874 --> 00:46:35,751
way more than sex trafficking.
830
00:46:42,758 --> 00:46:43,926
You feel me?
831
00:46:46,970 --> 00:46:49,681
'Cause a sex trafficker's never made me
late for work.
832
00:46:52,351 --> 00:46:55,187
They actually gotta be the best drivers
on the road.
833
00:46:55,938 --> 00:46:58,440
'Cause they can't afford to get
into an accident.
834
00:46:59,024 --> 00:47:00,275
Or pulled over.
835
00:47:02,236 --> 00:47:04,738
So whenever you're driving
and some dude is like,
836
00:47:04,821 --> 00:47:07,366
"Go ahead, cut in front of me,
you're good, you're good."
837
00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:10,118
That's a vicious
fucking animal right there.
838
00:47:13,288 --> 00:47:15,457
With two girls tied up in his trunk.
839
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:19,962
And whenever some dude cuts you off,
840
00:47:20,045 --> 00:47:21,255
gives you the finger,
841
00:47:21,338 --> 00:47:25,634
and then steps out of his truck
to fight you, that's a decent human being.
842
00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:30,180
With nothin' to hide.
843
00:47:31,598 --> 00:47:34,142
Shake his hand.
He's grinding for his family.
844
00:47:37,813 --> 00:47:40,774
I feel really bad for women who are being
sex trafficked,
845
00:47:40,857 --> 00:47:42,776
and they're stuck in traffic.
846
00:47:47,781 --> 00:47:51,159
And I know it sounds cold-blooded,
but I'm a dude.
847
00:47:51,243 --> 00:47:53,745
I don't have to worry
about sex trafficking.
848
00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:59,001
I don't have any daughters, and my sisters
are not in sex trafficking shape.
849
00:48:04,423 --> 00:48:05,757
I know it's fucked-up.
850
00:48:07,843 --> 00:48:10,929
All right, let me just ask one question
before I get outta here.
851
00:48:11,013 --> 00:48:14,725
Why do pregnant couples
have gender reveal parties
852
00:48:14,808 --> 00:48:18,228
when they don't know what gender
their kid is gonna claim?
853
00:48:23,108 --> 00:48:23,942
Right?
854
00:48:27,362 --> 00:48:32,242
Why don't they just wait a few birthdays,
and then let the kid tell them?
855
00:48:33,368 --> 00:48:35,203
And then they can have the party.
856
00:48:36,371 --> 00:48:37,789
What if you're wrong?
857
00:48:39,666 --> 00:48:42,586
You're gonna be wrong and burn down
half of California?
858
00:48:46,882 --> 00:48:50,052
Then you have this video of this party
that you threw for your kid
859
00:48:50,135 --> 00:48:51,762
that you can never show your kid.
860
00:48:53,055 --> 00:48:55,599
Then you got to tell everybody
who was at the party,
861
00:48:55,682 --> 00:48:59,144
"Don't ever tell my child
about that fucking party."
862
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:03,607
And you know
the kid's gonna find the video.
863
00:49:03,690 --> 00:49:06,068
And one day, he's like,
"Hey, y'all, get in here.
864
00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:07,569
What the fuck is this?
865
00:49:08,820 --> 00:49:10,322
That smoke ain't me.
866
00:49:16,036 --> 00:49:18,914
Can't believe you spent all this money
on this party,
867
00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:21,792
and I need that money
for my operation...
868
00:49:26,171 --> 00:49:28,173
so I can be who I really wanna be."
869
00:49:30,801 --> 00:49:33,387
All I'm saying is,
if you're a dad,
870
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:35,472
and you always wanted a son,
871
00:49:35,555 --> 00:49:39,017
and the smoke is pink, don't give up."
872
00:49:41,728 --> 00:49:44,481
My name is Ian Edwards.
Good night, y'all. Peace.
873
00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:47,776
[cheers and applause]
874
00:49:48,735 --> 00:49:51,279
Ian Edwards!
875
00:49:53,281 --> 00:49:57,452
This next guy coming to the stage is one
of my great friends that I've had in life.
876
00:49:57,536 --> 00:50:00,706
Forget about as a stand-up comedian,
he's an absolutely amazing friend
877
00:50:00,789 --> 00:50:02,958
and stand-up comedian,
I love him to death.
878
00:50:03,041 --> 00:50:05,919
Please welcome the one and only
Joe Bartnick, everybody.
879
00:50:06,002 --> 00:50:08,004
Come on, Joe Bartnick!
880
00:50:08,088 --> 00:50:09,965
[cheers and applause]
881
00:50:15,345 --> 00:50:18,181
What is up, Los Angeles?
882
00:50:19,057 --> 00:50:21,101
[cheers and applause]
883
00:50:21,643 --> 00:50:23,687
I'm in a good mood, I'm feeling good.
884
00:50:23,770 --> 00:50:25,731
I recently lost 80 pounds.
885
00:50:26,273 --> 00:50:27,190
[audience cheers]
886
00:50:28,984 --> 00:50:32,028
I know what you're thinking,
"He still kinda looks like shit."
887
00:50:33,864 --> 00:50:36,241
I know, that's why
I'm wearing a collared shirt,
888
00:50:36,324 --> 00:50:38,452
you got man-titties,
you gotta wear a collar.
889
00:50:41,455 --> 00:50:43,415
Takes 15 right off the top.
890
00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:48,462
That's why golfers wear 'em,
it makes 'em almost look athletic.
891
00:50:50,672 --> 00:50:52,549
Like, I can't wear a wifebeater.
892
00:50:52,632 --> 00:50:55,844
You can't wear a wifebeater,
if you look like a wife beater.
893
00:51:00,390 --> 00:51:02,601
If you have a six pack,
wear a wifebeater.
894
00:51:02,684 --> 00:51:05,562
If you just drank a six pack,
keep your sleeves on.
895
00:51:08,190 --> 00:51:10,901
I know a young girl like yourself,
you want abs.
896
00:51:10,984 --> 00:51:12,110
I get it.
897
00:51:12,986 --> 00:51:16,656
But the older ladies who have lost
all their hopes and dreams,
898
00:51:18,450 --> 00:51:20,285
they dig the dad bod.
899
00:51:21,787 --> 00:51:24,790
Yeah, ladies, this body says "fun."
900
00:51:27,417 --> 00:51:30,670
This body says,
"Everybody's getting appetizers."
901
00:51:34,549 --> 00:51:36,885
Nobody has to split dessert
with this body.
902
00:51:39,054 --> 00:51:41,097
This body's built for comfort.
903
00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:44,184
This body sleeps in on Saturdays.
904
00:51:45,268 --> 00:51:48,230
Nobody has to get up
and ride a bike with this body.
905
00:51:49,773 --> 00:51:53,401
Glad I lost the weight, though,
'cause now I can shop at Marshall's again.
906
00:51:55,237 --> 00:51:57,823
Yeah, 'cause now I can fit
in double-X clothing.
907
00:51:58,740 --> 00:52:01,243
There's nothing left at Marshall's
with triple-X.
908
00:52:01,993 --> 00:52:04,371
It's all green or purple or fuchsia.
909
00:52:05,872 --> 00:52:07,332
I can't wear those colors.
910
00:52:07,415 --> 00:52:08,667
I'm not Black.
911
00:52:12,379 --> 00:52:15,757
Yeah, Black guys look good in anything.
Black guys look good bald.
912
00:52:17,300 --> 00:52:18,760
Imagine me bald.
913
00:52:22,138 --> 00:52:23,890
Black guys look good in dreadlocks.
914
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,935
A white guy has dreadlocks,
you're like, "Fucking asshole."
915
00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:31,815
Black guy has 'em, you're like,
"That guy's cool."
916
00:52:32,315 --> 00:52:34,609
I'm not even really white. I'm Italian.
917
00:52:35,652 --> 00:52:38,363
Yeah. We weren't white until the '40s.
918
00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:43,410
Till Frank Sinatra and Joe DiMaggio.
919
00:52:44,452 --> 00:52:47,539
You have to be really good at something,
then they'll let you be white.
920
00:52:48,957 --> 00:52:51,042
Like Obama, they let him be white.
921
00:52:53,545 --> 00:52:55,213
Prince, Prince was white.
922
00:52:56,172 --> 00:52:59,217
OJ was white for a while,
then he fucked it up.
923
00:53:02,554 --> 00:53:05,974
Will Smith is the whitest man alive.
924
00:53:08,351 --> 00:53:12,522
He assaulted a Black dude
and they gave him an award.
925
00:53:17,819 --> 00:53:20,405
Tiger Woods is white again!
926
00:53:22,282 --> 00:53:23,867
How awesome is that?
927
00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:26,620
I fucking love Tiger.
He's my man.
928
00:53:27,787 --> 00:53:30,707
Wearing the black pants and the red shirt
on Sunday.
929
00:53:30,790 --> 00:53:34,419
I love Tiger so much I used to listen
to golf on the radio.
930
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:38,798
People got upset
when he cheated on his wife.
931
00:53:38,882 --> 00:53:40,091
"How could he cheat on her?
932
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:44,054
She's beautiful, she's gorgeous,
she's an 11."
933
00:53:44,137 --> 00:53:45,305
[whines]
934
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:50,185
That's exactly why he cheated on her.
Because she's beautiful and gorgeous.
935
00:53:50,268 --> 00:53:52,812
You know she just laid there in bed
and didn't move.
936
00:53:58,026 --> 00:53:59,569
She didn't have to.
937
00:53:59,653 --> 00:54:01,821
She's beautiful.
938
00:54:03,114 --> 00:54:06,326
But Tiger's got a billion dollars.
939
00:54:06,409 --> 00:54:09,162
He wants someone to lick his ass.
940
00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:16,711
Like only someone who works
in an Applebee's can.
941
00:54:20,048 --> 00:54:22,968
I'm Joe Bartnick!
You guys have been fantastic.
942
00:54:23,051 --> 00:54:25,303
[cheers and applause]
943
00:54:26,763 --> 00:54:28,223
Joe Bartnick, everybody.
944
00:54:31,101 --> 00:54:34,145
This next comedian, oh man,
she is unbelievable.
945
00:54:34,229 --> 00:54:37,273
This is one of the few comics,
there's a handful of 'em out there
946
00:54:37,357 --> 00:54:40,568
that if you're going on after 'em,
you're sitting in the back of the club,
947
00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:43,989
you gotta come up with a game plan,
'cause she fucking destroys.
948
00:54:44,072 --> 00:54:47,617
Absolutely hilarious, please welcome
Jessica Kirson, everybody.
949
00:54:47,701 --> 00:54:48,535
Come on!
950
00:54:48,618 --> 00:54:50,495
Jessica Kirson!
951
00:54:50,578 --> 00:54:53,289
[cheers and applause]
952
00:54:54,666 --> 00:54:56,126
Hey, how ya doin'?
953
00:54:57,168 --> 00:54:58,086
Great.
954
00:54:58,169 --> 00:55:00,422
I'm so miserable, ugh.
955
00:55:01,881 --> 00:55:05,176
Although I, you know,
I am a miserable person.
956
00:55:05,260 --> 00:55:08,221
I... basically,
I can barely get out of bed.
957
00:55:08,304 --> 00:55:10,598
This is a lot,
for me to be here right now.
958
00:55:10,682 --> 00:55:12,892
I know some of you look really sad.
959
00:55:13,601 --> 00:55:16,563
I don't care how this goes,
I have to be honest with you.
960
00:55:16,646 --> 00:55:19,149
Um, it doesn't matter anymore.
961
00:55:19,607 --> 00:55:22,652
Basically, during COVID,
I stopped chewing food.
962
00:55:23,737 --> 00:55:26,406
I just started fucking my face with it,
963
00:55:26,489 --> 00:55:29,075
I've never cut my wrists,
964
00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:33,163
but I started cutting my mouth
on the inside with chips.
965
00:55:33,246 --> 00:55:36,791
I became a cutter
on the inside, just... [loud gag]
966
00:55:36,875 --> 00:55:39,335
You know, just fucking my face.
967
00:55:40,128 --> 00:55:42,839
And I was like, "I'm gonna blow up again.
968
00:55:42,922 --> 00:55:45,675
I'm gonna blow up."
'Cause I used to be a house.
969
00:55:45,759 --> 00:55:49,137
If you Google me, Zillow will come up,
I was a fucking house.
970
00:55:49,804 --> 00:55:54,559
So, I was like, "I need to do something."
So I joined Weight Watchers,
971
00:55:54,642 --> 00:55:57,604
where you download the app,
and it counts the points.
972
00:55:57,687 --> 00:55:59,272
The problem is I lie on it.
973
00:55:59,355 --> 00:56:03,526
I lie on my own app,
and I'm the only one that sees it.
974
00:56:03,610 --> 00:56:05,570
Do you know how sick that is?
975
00:56:05,653 --> 00:56:10,742
The other day, I had a pint of ice cream,
and I wrote down "one baby carrot."
976
00:56:12,702 --> 00:56:14,162
Like, that's insane.
977
00:56:14,245 --> 00:56:15,747
'Cause I was a fat kid.
978
00:56:15,830 --> 00:56:17,665
Um, I was really fat.
979
00:56:17,749 --> 00:56:19,709
I actually went to fat camp.
980
00:56:20,126 --> 00:56:24,172
It was amazing, like,
fat camp was the best time of my life.
981
00:56:24,255 --> 00:56:26,382
My parents didn't send me, I wanted to go.
982
00:56:26,466 --> 00:56:30,303
Every summer I was like,
"I want to go to fat camp!"
983
00:56:30,386 --> 00:56:32,347
'Cause that's how fat kids talk,
984
00:56:32,430 --> 00:56:37,727
'cause we slam doughnuts,
and muffins and furniture in our throats,
985
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:41,773
like, "I want to go to fat camp!"
986
00:56:41,856 --> 00:56:44,776
I'm gonna keep doing it
till all of you laugh.
987
00:56:45,443 --> 00:56:47,487
I'll do it for the next five minutes.
988
00:56:47,570 --> 00:56:50,573
"I wanna go..." I just peed.
989
00:56:50,657 --> 00:56:54,369
Anyway, so, fat camp was fun.
990
00:56:54,452 --> 00:56:56,579
We all went on our own bus.
991
00:56:57,205 --> 00:57:01,042
We used to play a lot of fun games,
992
00:57:01,126 --> 00:57:03,253
like breathing, um…
993
00:57:04,212 --> 00:57:05,088
chafing,
994
00:57:05,171 --> 00:57:07,132
try-to-hide-and-seek.
995
00:57:08,007 --> 00:57:10,218
Try-to-hide-and-seek was great,
996
00:57:10,301 --> 00:57:12,679
I would say to my friend Jodi,
"I can see you
997
00:57:12,762 --> 00:57:14,806
behind the barn, you fat fuck.
998
00:57:15,306 --> 00:57:17,559
Find a mountain."
Anyway...
999
00:57:18,476 --> 00:57:21,521
I have four daughters from two baby mamas.
1000
00:57:21,604 --> 00:57:24,899
I'm like a fucking rapper,
I call myself "Lil Jew."
1001
00:57:26,693 --> 00:57:28,570
I saw an old friend recently,
1002
00:57:28,653 --> 00:57:30,238
and she's like, "You have four daughters?
1003
00:57:30,321 --> 00:57:33,074
Were they planned?"
I think it's the dumbest question
1004
00:57:33,158 --> 00:57:36,244
that anyone's ever asked me
in my entire life,
1005
00:57:36,327 --> 00:57:38,830
if my children with women were planned.
1006
00:57:38,913 --> 00:57:41,583
I'm like,
"No, I wasn't wearing protection,
1007
00:57:42,625 --> 00:57:44,169
they were all a mistake,
1008
00:57:44,252 --> 00:57:47,547
and we're pro-life
so we kept them for Jesus.
1009
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:50,467
Jesus."
1010
00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:55,138
Let's get even darker with this,
because some of you look uptight,
1011
00:57:55,221 --> 00:57:57,974
like I feel like your assholes
are like this right now.
1012
00:57:58,057 --> 00:57:58,892
Yeah.
1013
00:57:59,434 --> 00:58:01,019
Yeah, this is gonna be fun.
1014
00:58:01,102 --> 00:58:05,899
Religious people, some of them say that
gay people try to make their kids gay.
1015
00:58:05,982 --> 00:58:09,235
That we, you know, we want them to be gay.
1016
00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:12,572
And I hate to admit that, at this show
right now with this taping,
1017
00:58:12,655 --> 00:58:14,073
but that is totally true.
1018
00:58:14,741 --> 00:58:20,163
That is the only reason I agreed to have
children, was to create four big dykes.
1019
00:58:20,872 --> 00:58:25,335
I don't care if my kids are kind,
I don't care if they're loving,
1020
00:58:25,418 --> 00:58:26,753
I don't care if they
1021
00:58:26,836 --> 00:58:29,631
smell like feces,
I don't care if they're educated,
1022
00:58:29,714 --> 00:58:32,300
I just want them to be
fucking truck drivers.
1023
00:58:32,383 --> 00:58:34,719
That's all I care about.
1024
00:58:34,802 --> 00:58:38,139
So we are doing everything we can
to make that happen.
1025
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:42,268
And by the way, I shouldn't be telling you
this, but we're out to get your kids too.
1026
00:58:42,352 --> 00:58:44,979
This goes out to all the straight people
1027
00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:47,273
in the audience,
everywhere around the world,
1028
00:58:47,357 --> 00:58:49,108
we have secret Facebook groups,
1029
00:58:49,192 --> 00:58:50,902
we have a ton of funding,
1030
00:58:50,985 --> 00:58:54,364
we have vans, we have candy,
1031
00:58:54,447 --> 00:58:59,202
we even have long nets, where we can grab
your children from off the lawn.
1032
00:58:59,285 --> 00:59:01,162
Look how dumb some of you are,
you're like…
1033
00:59:05,750 --> 00:59:08,127
So we have been doing everything we can
1034
00:59:08,211 --> 00:59:10,046
to make our children dykes.
1035
00:59:10,129 --> 00:59:13,091
We've been taking them
to a lot of softball games.
1036
00:59:14,342 --> 00:59:18,888
All four of my daughters have crewcuts,
they have military haircuts.
1037
00:59:18,972 --> 00:59:23,268
We've been blasting the Indigo Girls and
Melissa Etheridge into their ears,
1038
00:59:23,351 --> 00:59:26,980
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
1039
00:59:27,063 --> 00:59:30,108
They march everywhere with feminist signs,
1040
00:59:30,191 --> 00:59:33,152
and we named all four of them
Hillary Rodham Clinton,
1041
00:59:33,236 --> 00:59:34,696
so we're just…
1042
00:59:37,282 --> 00:59:39,492
Jessica, that joke
would've done a lot better
1043
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:42,078
if you didn't fuck it up, but it's okay.
1044
00:59:42,161 --> 00:59:44,622
You're really talented, you really are.
1045
00:59:44,706 --> 00:59:48,793
You work so hard, you know,
everything's gonna be okay.
1046
00:59:48,876 --> 00:59:52,589
You're almost done,
it's all gonna be okay.
1047
00:59:52,672 --> 00:59:56,009
And soon you'll be in your hotel room
and you can secretly eat.
1048
00:59:57,093 --> 00:59:59,470
You know, today you ate a bag of Tostitos
1049
00:59:59,554 --> 01:00:01,681
and told yourself
it was a serving of corn.
1050
01:00:01,764 --> 01:00:02,807
You're a liar.
1051
01:00:03,349 --> 01:00:06,060
You lie to yourself on a daily basis.
1052
01:00:06,144 --> 01:00:09,355
And the guy in the second row
is not your father.
1053
01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:13,985
Okay, some of you-- yeah.
1054
01:00:14,068 --> 01:00:19,115
It's all gonna be okay, it's all--
I love you so much, you just got that.
1055
01:00:19,198 --> 01:00:21,200
Because it was very creative
what I just did,
1056
01:00:21,284 --> 01:00:24,370
and it was improv,
but some people won't get it,
1057
01:00:24,454 --> 01:00:26,831
'cause they're not aware.
Do you understand?
1058
01:00:26,914 --> 01:00:28,625
They have no idea what I just did.
1059
01:00:28,708 --> 01:00:31,419
They don't understand that I just
completely turned around
1060
01:00:31,502 --> 01:00:34,505
and had a conversation with themselves.
They think I'm mentally ill.
1061
01:00:34,589 --> 01:00:39,302
Which I am, I'm heavily medicated and
I haven't felt my vagina in three years.
1062
01:00:39,802 --> 01:00:43,681
Okay, what the fuck did I just say?
1063
01:00:44,599 --> 01:00:50,980
This is the thing, I have very bad
anxiety, and loud voices make me crazy,
1064
01:00:51,064 --> 01:00:52,857
and I was at a store the other day,
1065
01:00:52,940 --> 01:00:55,026
and these two girls
were having a conversation,
1066
01:00:55,109 --> 01:00:57,070
and I could not believe
what it sounded like,
1067
01:00:57,153 --> 01:00:59,364
this is literally what it sounded like:
1068
01:00:59,447 --> 01:01:01,199
[high-pitched] "Oh my God, Chelsea,
you're not gonna believe it,
1069
01:01:01,282 --> 01:01:03,201
but I was on Instagram
the other day and I posted the most
1070
01:01:03,284 --> 01:01:05,536
amazing video, because I went to
Sephora and had my makeup done,
1071
01:01:05,620 --> 01:01:08,206
'and it was like unbelievable,
because it looked so good.
1072
01:01:08,289 --> 01:01:10,750
Nobody commented, nobody did anything.
I couldn't believe it
1073
01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:13,169
because I looked so amazing, like,
everyone's upset about the war,
1074
01:01:13,252 --> 01:01:16,130
but the war isn't happening here,
so like, who cares about the war?
1075
01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:19,592
I don't care about the war... [gibberish]
I put the same video on TikTok...
1076
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:21,219
[gibberish]
1077
01:01:21,302 --> 01:01:23,054
The other girl was like, "Oh my God,
1078
01:01:23,137 --> 01:01:25,765
you should've called me or texted me,
I'm your best friend, like..."
1079
01:01:25,848 --> 01:01:27,100
[gibberish]
1080
01:01:27,183 --> 01:01:29,519
[normal voice]
So I killed them, I fucking killed them.
1081
01:01:30,103 --> 01:01:32,146
I know, I did.
1082
01:01:32,689 --> 01:01:34,148
I killed them.
1083
01:01:35,692 --> 01:01:38,986
Because I don't think you realize this,
these girls aren't going anywhere.
1084
01:01:39,070 --> 01:01:42,782
That's who's gonna be in our country,
they're staying, they're gonna have jobs.
1085
01:01:42,865 --> 01:01:45,743
Like, your kids are gonna go to school
and walk into math class...
1086
01:01:45,827 --> 01:01:47,954
[high-pitched] "Oh my God, girls,
welcome to math class!
1087
01:01:48,037 --> 01:01:52,208
This is gonna be so exciting, it's...
[gibberish] Algebra!
1088
01:01:52,291 --> 01:01:54,001
It's gonna be amazing!"
1089
01:01:54,085 --> 01:01:56,546
[normal voice] Like, you're gonna
go to a therapist that talks like that.
1090
01:01:56,629 --> 01:01:59,298
You're gonna walk in and be like,
"Hi, I'm just really anxious."
1091
01:01:59,382 --> 01:02:00,842
[high-pitched]
"Oh my God! You're anxious?
1092
01:02:00,925 --> 01:02:03,761
That's so horrible, well,
I haven't been feeling well at all.
1093
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:05,471
Like, I haven't been able to swallow.
1094
01:02:05,555 --> 01:02:08,766
I met the cutest guy the other day,
I swallowed his load, I was like...
1095
01:02:08,850 --> 01:02:11,310
I swallowed his load,
and it's been really hard for me too."
1096
01:02:11,394 --> 01:02:13,020
[normal voice]
How do you fuck a girl like that?
1097
01:02:13,104 --> 01:02:15,148
I don't understand,
I've been fucking women for years.
1098
01:02:15,231 --> 01:02:17,442
[high-pitched] "Oh my God, fuck me harder,
that feels so amazing,
1099
01:02:17,525 --> 01:02:19,360
fuck me harder..."
[gibberish]
1100
01:02:19,444 --> 01:02:21,237
"That feels so good, I'm gonna cum.
1101
01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:24,365
Oh my God, I'm gonna kill all your
ex-girlfriends, you better call me.
1102
01:02:24,449 --> 01:02:25,992
[deep voice] You better call me!"
1103
01:02:26,075 --> 01:02:29,328
[high-pitched gibberish]
1104
01:02:29,412 --> 01:02:32,248
"Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock..."
1105
01:02:32,331 --> 01:02:33,207
[gibberish]
1106
01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:35,793
"Oh my God, I'm gonna cum,
I'm gonna kill your mother,
1107
01:02:35,877 --> 01:02:37,920
[deep voice]
I'm gonna kill your mother, motherfucker!"
1108
01:02:38,004 --> 01:02:38,838
[high-pitched gibberish]
1109
01:02:38,921 --> 01:02:41,924
"Oh my God, I'm gonna kill someone,
oh my God, I'm cumming!"
1110
01:02:42,008 --> 01:02:46,053
You guys are amazing,
I'm Jessica Kirson, thank you so much.
1111
01:02:46,137 --> 01:02:49,432
Thank you, I love you.
Thank you so much.
1112
01:02:49,515 --> 01:02:51,476
Thank you. Thank you.
1113
01:02:51,559 --> 01:02:53,478
[Burr] Jessica Kirson, everybody!
1114
01:02:53,561 --> 01:02:55,438
[cheers and applause]
1115
01:02:56,272 --> 01:03:00,234
Jessica Kirson, absolutely murdering
like I told you she would.
1116
01:03:00,318 --> 01:03:03,613
All right, we got a band back here,
everybody, say hello to the band.
1117
01:03:03,696 --> 01:03:05,823
This is the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band.
1118
01:03:05,907 --> 01:03:07,200
[audience cheers]
1119
01:03:07,784 --> 01:03:10,787
They do a great show. A lot
of comedians started off playing in bands.
1120
01:03:10,870 --> 01:03:13,414
They still have that musical thing they
wanna get involved in,
1121
01:03:13,498 --> 01:03:16,292
so they created this band for guys
to come out and sing along to.
1122
01:03:16,375 --> 01:03:18,711
The man that created it,
I will be introducing right now,
1123
01:03:18,795 --> 01:03:23,299
one of my great friends, absolutely
hilarious comedian from Baltimore.
1124
01:03:23,382 --> 01:03:26,552
Please welcome Josh Adam Meyers!
1125
01:03:27,261 --> 01:03:30,431
[cheers and applause]
1126
01:03:33,810 --> 01:03:37,021
I need each and every one of you guys
to stand up right now.
1127
01:03:37,104 --> 01:03:38,731
Everybody in here, stand up.
1128
01:03:39,690 --> 01:03:40,691
Stop sitting.
1129
01:03:41,234 --> 01:03:42,401
You're all young.
1130
01:03:45,279 --> 01:03:47,323
One, two, three, four…
1131
01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:53,746
No.
1132
01:03:55,748 --> 01:03:57,208
I know what you're wondering.
1133
01:03:59,585 --> 01:04:02,672
♪ None of you know who the fuck I am ♪
1134
01:04:04,173 --> 01:04:08,511
♪ Why is this guySuch an egomaniac? ♪
1135
01:04:10,263 --> 01:04:14,058
♪ Because I don't have an actSo I have to sing ♪
1136
01:04:14,976 --> 01:04:17,645
♪ Hey HawEverybody go ♪
1137
01:04:18,396 --> 01:04:19,605
♪ Hey Haw ♪
1138
01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:21,065
♪ Like the '90s ♪
1139
01:04:21,148 --> 01:04:21,983
Come on!
1140
01:04:22,066 --> 01:04:23,192
♪ Hey Haw ♪
1141
01:04:23,276 --> 01:04:24,902
♪ Everybody go ♪
1142
01:04:25,444 --> 01:04:26,445
♪ Hey Haw ♪
1143
01:04:26,529 --> 01:04:28,489
♪ Just the Black guy ♪
1144
01:04:29,115 --> 01:04:31,701
♪ Hey Haw ♪
1145
01:04:31,784 --> 01:04:33,077
Fuck, dude.
1146
01:04:33,870 --> 01:04:36,080
I mean, it was something.
1147
01:04:37,206 --> 01:04:40,001
So we didn't get a song clearance,
so we wrote our own,
1148
01:04:40,084 --> 01:04:42,795
but we need help
from all of you guys here.
1149
01:04:42,879 --> 01:04:46,507
So you really have to sing this,
all right? It goes like this.
1150
01:04:46,591 --> 01:04:49,969
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1151
01:04:50,052 --> 01:04:53,264
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1152
01:04:53,347 --> 01:04:54,181
Come on!
1153
01:04:54,265 --> 01:04:56,934
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1154
01:04:57,018 --> 01:04:59,645
♪ We're gonna titty-fuckYour buttcheeks... ♪
1155
01:04:59,729 --> 01:05:00,771
Make it loud!
1156
01:05:00,855 --> 01:05:04,150
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1157
01:05:04,233 --> 01:05:06,027
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your... ♪
1158
01:05:06,110 --> 01:05:07,361
Bring it down.
1159
01:05:07,445 --> 01:05:08,529
Now whisper it.
1160
01:05:08,613 --> 01:05:10,406
[whispering]
♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love ♪
1161
01:05:10,489 --> 01:05:11,324
Come on.
1162
01:05:11,407 --> 01:05:14,201
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1163
01:05:14,285 --> 01:05:15,161
Even quieter.
1164
01:05:15,244 --> 01:05:17,371
♪ -Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love ♪
-Come on.
1165
01:05:17,455 --> 01:05:19,540
♪ You're acting likeThis isn't being recorded ♪
1166
01:05:19,624 --> 01:05:20,917
♪ For Netflix ♪
1167
01:05:21,542 --> 01:05:26,172
♪ You're coming at me with straightAmazon Prime energy ♪
1168
01:05:26,255 --> 01:05:28,591
This is fucking Netflix, dude.
1169
01:05:29,050 --> 01:05:33,012
Now just breathe it, going like this...
1170
01:05:33,095 --> 01:05:36,390
[rhythmic breathing]
1171
01:05:37,141 --> 01:05:40,227
[rhythmic breathing continues]
1172
01:05:40,811 --> 01:05:43,731
♪ This is how you get COVID ♪
1173
01:05:45,316 --> 01:05:49,111
♪ No wonder we're three yearsInto pandemic ♪
1174
01:05:50,196 --> 01:05:52,031
Make some noise if you had COVID.
1175
01:05:52,114 --> 01:05:54,325
COVID.
I sound like I'm from Philadelphia.
1176
01:05:54,408 --> 01:05:55,910
[thick accent] Who's had COVID?
1177
01:05:56,869 --> 01:05:59,080
♪ I've had COVID twice ♪
1178
01:05:59,997 --> 01:06:01,332
[audience member] Twice!
1179
01:06:01,415 --> 01:06:04,919
♪ I had the original strain from Wuhan ♪
1180
01:06:05,002 --> 01:06:07,171
♪ And the rereleased box set ♪
1181
01:06:07,254 --> 01:06:09,548
♪ That came out a few months ago ♪
1182
01:06:11,884 --> 01:06:15,012
Make some noise if you were
in a relationship during COVID.
1183
01:06:15,096 --> 01:06:16,222
[audience cheers]
1184
01:06:16,305 --> 01:06:17,515
A few of you guys.
1185
01:06:18,349 --> 01:06:19,976
I was single the whole time.
1186
01:06:20,851 --> 01:06:24,355
And if there was ever a time for the
American people, the people of the world
1187
01:06:24,438 --> 01:06:29,235
to be having the most sex possible,
it was during COVID.
1188
01:06:29,735 --> 01:06:31,821
Specifically when you have it.
1189
01:06:31,904 --> 01:06:34,740
Think about it. You couldn't taste,
and you couldn't smell.
1190
01:06:34,824 --> 01:06:39,161
I mean, if there was ever an era
of eating ass.
1191
01:06:39,537 --> 01:06:42,039
You'd be like, "You just got back
from a three-hour hike?"
1192
01:06:42,123 --> 01:06:43,207
I had no idea.
1193
01:06:45,626 --> 01:06:47,586
♪ Fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1194
01:06:47,670 --> 01:06:48,713
Come on!
1195
01:06:48,796 --> 01:06:51,465
♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1196
01:06:52,466 --> 01:06:55,011
♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1197
01:06:55,094 --> 01:06:59,015
-♪ We're gonna... ♪
-♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh ♪
1198
01:06:59,098 --> 01:07:02,935
-♪ We're gonna... ♪
-♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh ♪
1199
01:07:03,019 --> 01:07:04,770
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks ♪
1200
01:07:04,854 --> 01:07:06,647
Everybody sing it with me!
1201
01:07:06,731 --> 01:07:09,525
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1202
01:07:09,608 --> 01:07:12,987
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1203
01:07:13,070 --> 01:07:16,365
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1204
01:07:16,449 --> 01:07:20,161
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksOf love ♪
1205
01:07:20,244 --> 01:07:21,370
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck... ♪
1206
01:07:21,454 --> 01:07:24,165
End it!
This is your note, dude. Sing it!
1207
01:07:25,082 --> 01:07:28,753
♪ We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeksUh-huh ♪
1208
01:07:33,049 --> 01:07:36,302
Guys, make some noise for the band,
everybody, come on.
1209
01:07:36,385 --> 01:07:38,054
[cheers and applause]
1210
01:07:38,721 --> 01:07:40,890
[Burr]
All right, Josh Adam Meyers, everybody!
1211
01:07:40,973 --> 01:07:42,892
Josh Adam Meyers.
1212
01:07:43,809 --> 01:07:46,520
That was a terrible handshake,
but a great set.
1213
01:07:46,604 --> 01:07:48,689
Goddamn Comedy Jam Band.
1214
01:07:48,773 --> 01:07:49,982
We're gonna do one more.
1215
01:07:50,066 --> 01:07:54,070
We got another great comedian coming out
now who's gonna sing a song with the band.
1216
01:07:54,153 --> 01:07:57,198
This is a guy that I saw, I actually
saw him the first time,
1217
01:07:57,281 --> 01:07:58,783
I was flying on an airplane.
1218
01:07:58,866 --> 01:08:01,368
I saw this video of him, I was like,
"This guy is funny.
1219
01:08:01,452 --> 01:08:04,497
This guy has potential." And like,
a week later, he was on The Daily Show.
1220
01:08:04,580 --> 01:08:07,833
He's been in movies,
he's put out incredible stand-up specials.
1221
01:08:07,917 --> 01:08:11,587
I love this guy, he's hilarious.
Please welcome Ronnie Chieng, everybody.
1222
01:08:11,670 --> 01:08:13,422
Ronnie Chieng.
1223
01:08:14,632 --> 01:08:17,009
Thank you, Bill, thank you.
1224
01:08:17,093 --> 01:08:19,053
Keep it going for Bill Burr,
1225
01:08:19,136 --> 01:08:21,806
keep it going for the band,
keep it going for yourselves.
1226
01:08:21,889 --> 01:08:23,432
You guys are the best.
1227
01:08:23,516 --> 01:08:24,934
Thanks for hanging with us.
1228
01:08:25,017 --> 01:08:25,935
Now listen.
1229
01:08:26,018 --> 01:08:29,105
Listen, normally I come out here
and do jokes.
1230
01:08:29,855 --> 01:08:34,110
But with the state of the world being what
it is, and the problems that we're facing,
1231
01:08:34,193 --> 01:08:36,153
don't share the problems, please.
1232
01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:39,323
The problems that we're facing
in today's world.
1233
01:08:39,406 --> 01:08:41,158
Johnny Depp's divorce,
1234
01:08:41,826 --> 01:08:44,453
Elon Musk buying Twitter,
1235
01:08:44,537 --> 01:08:46,288
Netflix's share prices.
1236
01:08:47,289 --> 01:08:50,626
I thought I'd do my part to try
to help fix this.
1237
01:08:51,293 --> 01:08:53,671
And what better way than to sing a song.
1238
01:08:55,381 --> 01:08:56,257
Thank you.
1239
01:08:56,966 --> 01:08:59,718
So I'm gonna sing a song tonight,
and not just any song.
1240
01:08:59,802 --> 01:09:02,847
I'm going to sing a traditional
Malaysian song...
1241
01:09:04,181 --> 01:09:05,558
from my homeland.
1242
01:09:05,641 --> 01:09:08,144
It's a song I used to sing
to inspire myself
1243
01:09:08,227 --> 01:09:11,480
when I was younger and first starting
to do comedy.
1244
01:09:11,564 --> 01:09:14,108
The song is called
"Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry.
1245
01:09:17,403 --> 01:09:18,821
Take it away, band.
1246
01:09:19,155 --> 01:09:22,199
[Meyers] If you know the words, then we
want you all singing with us, all right?
1247
01:09:22,283 --> 01:09:25,202
Do we get some energy for you guys?
Come on!
1248
01:09:25,286 --> 01:09:26,620
[audience cheering]
1249
01:09:30,457 --> 01:09:34,128
♪ You think I'm prettyWithout any makeup on ♪
1250
01:09:34,211 --> 01:09:37,840
♪ You think I'm funnyWhen I tell the punchline wrong ♪
1251
01:09:37,923 --> 01:09:42,303
♪ I know you get meSo I let my walls come down ♪
1252
01:09:42,386 --> 01:09:43,888
♪ Down ♪
1253
01:09:45,055 --> 01:09:47,641
♪ Before you met meI was alright ♪
1254
01:09:47,725 --> 01:09:49,935
♪ But things were kinda heavy ♪
1255
01:09:50,019 --> 01:09:53,731
♪ You brought me to lifeNow every February ♪
1256
01:09:53,814 --> 01:09:58,527
♪ You'll be my ValentineValentine ♪
1257
01:09:58,611 --> 01:10:05,576
♪ Let's go all the way tonightNo regrets, just love ♪
1258
01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:09,830
♪ We can danceUntil we die ♪
1259
01:10:09,914 --> 01:10:14,335
♪ You and IWill be young forever ♪
1260
01:10:14,418 --> 01:10:19,924
♪ You make meFeel like I'm livin' a teenage dream ♪
1261
01:10:20,007 --> 01:10:23,552
♪ The way you turn me onI can't sleep ♪
1262
01:10:23,636 --> 01:10:26,639
♪ Let's run awayAnd don't ever look back ♪
1263
01:10:26,722 --> 01:10:29,141
♪ Don't ever look back 'cause ♪
1264
01:10:29,225 --> 01:10:32,394
♪ My heart stopsWhen you look at me ♪
1265
01:10:32,478 --> 01:10:36,357
♪ Just one touchNow, baby, I believe ♪
1266
01:10:36,440 --> 01:10:38,025
♪ This is real ♪
1267
01:10:38,108 --> 01:10:41,028
♪ So take a chanceAnd don't ever look back ♪
1268
01:10:41,111 --> 01:10:43,239
♪ Don't ever look back ♪
1269
01:10:43,322 --> 01:10:46,659
♪ Get your heart racingIn my skin-tight jeans ♪
1270
01:10:46,742 --> 01:10:49,745
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
1271
01:10:49,828 --> 01:10:53,874
♪ Let you put your hands on meIn my skin-tight jeans ♪
1272
01:10:53,958 --> 01:10:56,418
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
1273
01:11:00,923 --> 01:11:04,218
Ronnie Chieng, everybody.
I mean, he's just incredible...
1274
01:11:04,301 --> 01:11:10,349
♪ You make meFeel like I'm livin' a teenage dream ♪
1275
01:11:10,432 --> 01:11:11,976
♪ The way you turn me on ♪
1276
01:11:12,059 --> 01:11:15,104
♪ I can't sleepLet's run away ♪
1277
01:11:15,187 --> 01:11:19,316
♪ And don't ever look backDon't ever look back 'cause ♪
1278
01:11:19,400 --> 01:11:22,945
♪ My heart stopsWhen you look at me ♪
1279
01:11:23,028 --> 01:11:26,490
♪ Just one touchNow, baby, I believe ♪
1280
01:11:26,573 --> 01:11:28,534
♪ This is real ♪
1281
01:11:28,617 --> 01:11:31,537
♪ So take a chanceAnd don't ever look back ♪
1282
01:11:31,620 --> 01:11:32,705
♪ Don't ever look... ♪
1283
01:11:32,788 --> 01:11:36,709
♪ I'ma get your heart racingIn my skin-tight jeans ♪
1284
01:11:36,792 --> 01:11:39,962
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
1285
01:11:40,045 --> 01:11:43,841
♪ Let you put your hands on meIn my skin-tight jeans ♪
1286
01:11:43,924 --> 01:11:46,885
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
1287
01:11:48,846 --> 01:11:51,807
[cheers and applause]
1288
01:12:02,735 --> 01:12:05,154
Ronnie Chieng, everybody.
Ronnie Chieng!
1289
01:12:07,656 --> 01:12:10,868
Josh Adam Meyers and
the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band!
1290
01:12:12,077 --> 01:12:15,205
Give it up for yourselves, thank you guys
so much for coming out tonight.
1291
01:12:15,289 --> 01:12:17,166
We had a great time making you laugh.
1292
01:12:18,375 --> 01:12:20,336
We'll see you, thank you, thank you.
1293
01:12:20,419 --> 01:12:22,379
[Ross] What's the point of the show, Bill?
1294
01:12:22,463 --> 01:12:24,882
Are you gonna play
drums tonight, or what's gonna happen?
1295
01:12:24,965 --> 01:12:25,924
No.
1296
01:12:26,008 --> 01:12:28,761
I'm a big believer in not doing your hobby
on TV.
1297
01:12:28,844 --> 01:12:30,721
[all laugh]
1298
01:12:35,100 --> 01:12:36,393
Killing it, having a good time.
1299
01:12:37,561 --> 01:12:40,856
My name was Lifschultz back then,
they had to use a smaller font.
1300
01:12:40,939 --> 01:12:44,234
And how was doing comedy in the fifties?
1301
01:12:44,318 --> 01:12:46,195
It was good, it was good.
1302
01:12:46,278 --> 01:12:49,114
You're gonna let him get away with that?
Come on, look at that blazer.
1303
01:12:49,198 --> 01:12:52,785
I didn't realize you were gonna be
dressed as a ventriloquist dummy's dummy.
1304
01:13:02,628 --> 01:13:05,255
If this was an improv group,
what would it be called?
1305
01:13:05,339 --> 01:13:06,840
The "No Money Backs," or...?
1306
01:13:08,801 --> 01:13:11,136
I'm sorry, I'm trying to Lipton
our way through this.
1307
01:13:11,220 --> 01:13:13,097
Don't you have to change the battery
by now?
1308
01:13:13,180 --> 01:13:14,932
Honestly, this is really going on.
1309
01:13:15,015 --> 01:13:16,975
[all laugh]
102463
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