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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,268 --> 00:00:03,479 - yo, mr. Kotter, you Got to help me quick 2 00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:04,469 For my english class. 3 00:00:04,504 --> 00:00:06,315 I need a sentence with The word "Officiate." 4 00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:08,939 - a sentence with the Word "Officiate." okay, um, 5 00:00:08,975 --> 00:00:11,442 "My uncle got sick Because of officiate." 6 00:00:23,489 --> 00:00:26,156 ♪ welcome back ♪ 7 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:30,027 ♪ your dreams were Your ticket out ♪ 8 00:00:30,062 --> 00:00:32,129 ♪ welcome back ♪ 9 00:00:32,164 --> 00:00:36,934 ♪ to that same old place That you laughed about ♪ 10 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:39,203 ♪ well the names Have all changed ♪ 11 00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:41,339 ♪ since you hung around ♪ 12 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,441 ♪ but those dreams Have remained ♪ 13 00:00:43,476 --> 00:00:45,843 ♪ and they've turned around ♪ 14 00:00:45,878 --> 00:00:47,957 ♪ who'd have thought They'd lead ya ♪ 15 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,181 ♪ ♪ 16 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:52,349 ♪ back here where we need ya? ♪ 17 00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:54,351 ♪ ♪ 18 00:00:54,386 --> 00:00:56,120 ♪ yeah we tease him a lot ♪ 19 00:00:56,155 --> 00:00:58,388 ♪ 'cause we've got Him on the spot ♪ 20 00:00:58,424 --> 00:01:00,390 ♪ welcome back ♪ 21 00:01:00,426 --> 00:01:06,330 ♪ welcome back welcome Back welcome back ♪ 22 00:01:08,734 --> 00:01:10,568 - please, vinnie, no more. 23 00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:11,647 No more. I'll be good. 24 00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:13,504 I'll be a good boy. 25 00:01:15,107 --> 00:01:17,841 Please, just don't tell No more of your jokes. 26 00:01:17,876 --> 00:01:19,142 - sit down, will you? 27 00:01:19,178 --> 00:01:20,178 Sit down, will you? 28 00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:22,224 Okay, look, this last Joke, it's really funny. 29 00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:25,082 Everybody last night Really laughed at this joke. 30 00:01:25,117 --> 00:01:27,452 Okay, um, all right, this guy, 31 00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:29,620 He goes to a parking meter. 32 00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:31,434 He puts the dime in The parking meter 33 00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:34,091 And the needle Goes to 60, right? 34 00:01:34,126 --> 00:01:37,261 And he says, "Oh, No, I lost 100 pounds." 35 00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:43,845 - and then, um, I Got this other one 36 00:01:43,869 --> 00:01:45,503 That's really funny too. 37 00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:48,317 All right, I taught My dog how to eat 38 00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:49,806 By the sound of the bell, right? 39 00:01:49,842 --> 00:01:51,208 So what happens yesterday? 40 00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:53,177 He eats the avon lady. 41 00:02:06,625 --> 00:02:07,591 - what are you groaning about? 42 00:02:07,626 --> 00:02:08,626 I just got here. 43 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:12,196 - hey, vinnie, ask mr. Kotter One of those jokes. 44 00:02:12,232 --> 00:02:13,997 He'll know if it's old. 45 00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:15,199 - okay, all right. 46 00:02:16,335 --> 00:02:18,869 Mr. Kotter, okay, Now everybody thinks 47 00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:22,539 That columbus had Three ships, right? 48 00:02:22,574 --> 00:02:25,709 But you did not know, He really had four. 49 00:02:25,744 --> 00:02:27,044 - yeah, I knew, vinnie. 50 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,190 - okay, the reason Was because... 51 00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:30,915 What do you mean, you know? 52 00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:31,916 Not supposed to say you know. 53 00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:33,095 You're supposed to Say, "How come, vinnie?" 54 00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:35,052 And then I tell You the punch line. 55 00:02:35,087 --> 00:02:37,421 - I'm sorry, vinnie. I know the joke. 56 00:02:37,456 --> 00:02:38,500 - well, why don't You go finish it? 57 00:02:38,524 --> 00:02:40,404 You've already ruined my timing. 58 00:02:41,961 --> 00:02:44,140 - I didn't mean to, vinnie. I just know the joke. 59 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,107 Columbus started Out with four ships. 60 00:02:46,131 --> 00:02:47,242 But only three reached america 61 00:02:47,266 --> 00:02:49,266 Because one fell over the edge. 62 00:02:53,072 --> 00:02:56,007 - you can't laugh at him just Because he's the teacher. 63 00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:57,753 If I was to tell the joke, You wouldn't have laughed. 64 00:02:57,777 --> 00:02:59,088 You would have Said, "Old joke, vinnie, 65 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:01,345 Not funny. Duhh." 66 00:03:03,048 --> 00:03:04,993 - what's all this Joke business about? 67 00:03:05,017 --> 00:03:06,583 - well, you see, mr. Kotter, 68 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:09,887 Last night vinnie here went To the comedy connection, 69 00:03:09,922 --> 00:03:14,658 A place that features new Comedians with old jokes. 70 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,004 - comedy connection? I've been there. 71 00:03:16,028 --> 00:03:18,195 It's a lot of fun. You went last night? 72 00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:19,674 Sunday's amateur Night. That's great. 73 00:03:19,698 --> 00:03:22,165 - did you ever think about Maybe performing there? 74 00:03:22,201 --> 00:03:23,867 I mean, you fit right in. 75 00:03:23,902 --> 00:03:26,237 Your jokes are as Old as anybody's. 76 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,484 - you know, one time I Almost did get up there. 77 00:03:29,508 --> 00:03:31,086 - yeah? What happened? 78 00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:34,011 - well, I wanted to go on Stage but my stomach didn't. 79 00:03:34,046 --> 00:03:35,546 - ha, ha, ha. 80 00:03:35,581 --> 00:03:37,415 - come on, mr. Kotter, 81 00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:40,784 Aren't you the Boss of your body? 82 00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:43,899 What are you, stomach pecked? 83 00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:49,404 - look, being a comedian, To me has always been 84 00:03:49,428 --> 00:03:50,928 Like a secret dream 85 00:03:50,963 --> 00:03:53,664 And I think I should Leave it that way. 86 00:03:53,699 --> 00:03:56,500 - mr. Kotter, it's great To have secret dreams. 87 00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:58,135 I got one. 88 00:03:58,170 --> 00:04:00,905 It involves one of Charlie's angels. 89 00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:05,788 - hey, mr. Kotter, ain't You the guy who told us 90 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,823 When we have a chance To go for that brass ring, 91 00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:08,979 Just to grab it? 92 00:04:09,014 --> 00:04:10,614 - yeah. - yeah. 93 00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:11,960 - yeah, and ain't you The guy that told us 94 00:04:11,984 --> 00:04:14,818 If you wants to win, You gots to play? 95 00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:16,988 - yeah. 96 00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:18,700 - and didn't you Tell me yesterday 97 00:04:18,724 --> 00:04:21,625 That if you don't have Confidence in yourself, 98 00:04:21,660 --> 00:04:23,994 No one will? 99 00:04:24,029 --> 00:04:24,995 - yeah. 100 00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,631 All together: well? 101 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,534 - trapped by my own words. 102 00:04:33,372 --> 00:04:35,150 All right, I'll do it, This sunday night. 103 00:04:35,174 --> 00:04:37,207 - all right! 104 00:04:39,378 --> 00:04:41,338 - what's all the Noise about, kotter? 105 00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:44,881 - well, this sunday night I'm going to a nightclub 106 00:04:44,917 --> 00:04:47,718 And I'm gonna do a comedy Routine on amateur night. 107 00:04:47,753 --> 00:04:49,131 - c'mon, kotter, There is no nightclub 108 00:04:49,155 --> 00:04:51,455 With a night that amateur. 109 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:53,690 - yeah, mr. Woodman, 110 00:04:53,725 --> 00:04:55,637 I mean, whaddyu know About nightclubs? 111 00:04:55,661 --> 00:04:56,871 The last time you Was at a nightclub 112 00:04:56,895 --> 00:04:59,396 The carhop parked your dinosaur. 113 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,411 All together: ha, ha, ha, ha. 114 00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:03,945 - mr. Woodman, Ain't you ever heard 115 00:05:03,969 --> 00:05:05,202 Of the comedy connection? 116 00:05:05,237 --> 00:05:07,071 It's the in thing to do now. 117 00:05:07,106 --> 00:05:08,405 - are you gonna be there? 118 00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:11,041 Oh, I wouldn't miss this For anything in the world. 119 00:05:11,076 --> 00:05:13,777 You know, kotter, in my Day I was a champion heckler. 120 00:05:16,648 --> 00:05:19,083 - you're such a sweet Guy, mr. Woodman. 121 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:20,795 - my picture hangs In every post office 122 00:05:20,819 --> 00:05:22,920 In the catskill mountains. 123 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:27,291 You ever heard of Shecky rabinowitz? 124 00:05:27,326 --> 00:05:28,792 'course you haven't. 125 00:05:28,827 --> 00:05:32,329 I ruined his career With one heckle. 126 00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:35,299 Today he's raising Earthworms in new jersey. 127 00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:38,869 Sunday night, the Comedy connection. 128 00:05:38,904 --> 00:05:40,704 Ha, ha, ha! 129 00:05:42,808 --> 00:05:45,342 - you're on next, honey. They just called number 41. 130 00:05:45,377 --> 00:05:47,912 - I don't believe I had to Take a number when I came in. 131 00:05:47,947 --> 00:05:49,947 What is this, a Nightclub or a bakery? 132 00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:54,451 - I'm not sure but just To cover yourself 133 00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:56,820 When you go out there You can start with, 134 00:05:56,855 --> 00:05:59,290 "Good evening, Ladies and muffins." 135 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,871 - julie, what are you Making jokes for? 136 00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:04,405 I've got to go on in 5 Minutes and make jokes 137 00:06:04,429 --> 00:06:05,629 And you're making jokes. 138 00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:07,342 - I'm sorry. - that's not bad. 139 00:06:07,366 --> 00:06:08,744 You know, that might Be a good opening. 140 00:06:08,768 --> 00:06:10,112 "Ah, good evening, Ladies and gentlemen, 141 00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:12,347 You know, I just got here And they made me take a number. 142 00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:14,416 I wasn't sure whether this Is a nightclub or a bakery. 143 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,974 Well, anyway, good Evening, ladies and muffins." 144 00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:20,544 - don't use it. 145 00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:22,746 Just be yourself. 146 00:06:22,782 --> 00:06:27,117 You're funny, you're charming And you have a twinkle. 147 00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:29,653 - I think my twinkle Just went out. 148 00:06:29,688 --> 00:06:31,466 I got to get 'em Right away, you know? 149 00:06:31,490 --> 00:06:32,667 I mean, you need a good opening, 150 00:06:32,691 --> 00:06:34,291 Something that really grabs 'em. 151 00:06:34,326 --> 00:06:37,194 - oh, if you want to grab 'em, instead of a tuxedo, 152 00:06:37,229 --> 00:06:39,296 You should have Rented a gorilla. 153 00:06:43,102 --> 00:06:45,535 - muffin was funny. Gorilla, forget about. 154 00:06:47,206 --> 00:06:49,473 - you all set, shecky, huh? 155 00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:53,978 Hey, guy, what's the matter? 156 00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:56,346 You look as Nervous as a gorilla. 157 00:06:58,551 --> 00:07:00,028 - where'd you get that gorilla? 158 00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:01,018 - out there. 159 00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:03,486 Number 41 said the Audience was so bad 160 00:07:03,522 --> 00:07:06,557 That the only thing that Could grab 'em was a gorilla. 161 00:07:10,362 --> 00:07:12,396 - did he say anything About muffins? 162 00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:15,232 - nah. 163 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,401 That was number 38. 164 00:07:17,436 --> 00:07:18,714 Yeah, he came Out there and said, 165 00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:21,004 "Good evening, Ladies and muffins." 166 00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:24,253 - I don't believe It. I'm number 42. 167 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,255 They've probably heard Every joke in the world by now. 168 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,544 - yeah, you're right. 169 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:29,758 Well, look, I just came in Here to wish you good luck 170 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:33,116 And tell you to break an arm. 171 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:38,588 - the expression is "Break a leg," juan. 172 00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:39,990 - whatever it takes. 173 00:07:43,862 --> 00:07:45,507 - well, might as Well go out there. 174 00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:46,830 It's gonna be any minute now. 175 00:07:46,865 --> 00:07:48,065 - good luck, honey. 176 00:07:51,837 --> 00:07:53,781 - you think I'm gonna Get any laughs? 177 00:07:53,805 --> 00:07:56,507 - well, if you don't, Your suit will. 178 00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:01,244 - very funny, julie. - yeah. 179 00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:09,419 - as ed sullivan used to Say, "Really big, really big. 180 00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:14,724 Right here on our stage We have world war ii 181 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:19,829 And the original cast, Really big, really big. 182 00:08:19,865 --> 00:08:20,909 - 'scuse me there, fella. 183 00:08:20,933 --> 00:08:23,534 How much do you Charge to haunt a house? 184 00:08:26,772 --> 00:08:29,773 - if you people ever get a Chance to be an audience, 185 00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:31,241 Don't take it. 186 00:08:31,276 --> 00:08:33,054 - hey, why don't you Call christian barnard 187 00:08:33,078 --> 00:08:35,578 And get a joke transplant? 188 00:08:41,353 --> 00:08:44,454 Announcer: number 42 is next, a Schoolteacher from brooklyn. 189 00:08:44,489 --> 00:08:45,855 gabe kotter. 190 00:08:53,999 --> 00:08:56,366 - thank you. Thank You very much. 191 00:08:56,402 --> 00:08:57,602 It's nice to be here tonight. 192 00:08:57,636 --> 00:08:58,602 - excuse me. 193 00:08:58,637 --> 00:09:00,282 What did the penguin Do after you mugged him 194 00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:02,439 And took away his suit? 195 00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:07,010 - mr. Woodman, Give him a chance. 196 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,712 - it's nice to be here tonight. 197 00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:10,180 I have some funny relatives. 198 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,782 Like, there's my aunt rhoda. 199 00:09:11,817 --> 00:09:13,817 She's been married so many times 200 00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:15,853 She has rice scars on her face. 201 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,126 She's the only lady I know 202 00:09:23,162 --> 00:09:25,429 That has a wash-and-wear Wedding dress. 203 00:09:33,672 --> 00:09:34,905 - well, c'mon. 204 00:09:34,940 --> 00:09:36,373 Don't you get it? 205 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,909 Wash-and-wear Wedding dress, laugh. 206 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:47,718 - I have an aunt elsie who Used to yell at my uncle al. 207 00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:50,521 "Al," she would say, "You Give me so much trouble, 208 00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:53,791 When you die I'm gonna Dance on your grave." 209 00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:56,559 Well, my uncle al would say, 210 00:09:56,595 --> 00:09:59,395 "I'm gonna be buried At sea. Let her dance." 211 00:10:00,665 --> 00:10:04,067 - why don't you Bury your act at sea? 212 00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:06,070 You afraid it'll kill the fish? 213 00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:10,685 - hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait A second, wait a second. 214 00:10:10,709 --> 00:10:11,674 Where you folks goin'? 215 00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:13,088 The man here he Ain't done with his act. 216 00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,989 - yeah, that would be very Impolite for you to leave. 217 00:10:15,013 --> 00:10:17,180 And very unhealthy. 218 00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:18,181 Have a seat. 219 00:10:18,217 --> 00:10:19,293 Thank you very much For the nice show. 220 00:10:19,317 --> 00:10:20,650 - sit down, relax. 221 00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:23,120 - yeah, everybody, no One has to leave yet. 222 00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:24,487 I got a million jokes. 223 00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:25,622 - oh yeah? 224 00:10:25,657 --> 00:10:27,802 Well, why don't you take The rest home in a doggy bag? 225 00:10:30,095 --> 00:10:31,862 - hey, mr. Woodman, 226 00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:34,698 Why don't you put your False teeth in backwards 227 00:10:34,733 --> 00:10:37,167 And bite yourself to death? 228 00:10:43,509 --> 00:10:45,542 - c'mon, folks, c'mon, listen. 229 00:10:45,577 --> 00:10:47,811 Let me tell you about Another aunt I have. 230 00:10:47,846 --> 00:10:55,119 She's so skinny she Wears snow shower... 231 00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,021 Wait a second. 232 00:10:57,056 --> 00:11:00,690 She's so skinny she wears Snow shoes in the shower 233 00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:04,360 Otherwise she'll get Sucked down the drain. 234 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,465 Here's my uncle max. 235 00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:11,535 My uncle max, he's, um... 236 00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:17,408 Look, I don't know. 237 00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:18,409 I'm sorry. 238 00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:21,145 I'm not a comedian, I Shouldn't be up here. 239 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:26,283 It was stupid for me To... Have a good time. 240 00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:34,357 - well, I hope you're All happy now. 241 00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:36,659 That man's got babies at home. 242 00:11:38,597 --> 00:11:40,197 - oh, yeah? 243 00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:42,899 They're lucky they don't Have to listen to his act. 244 00:11:44,636 --> 00:11:47,437 All right, bring on number 43. 245 00:11:54,013 --> 00:11:55,690 - it was okay. You had Some nice moments. 246 00:11:55,714 --> 00:11:56,791 - you did all right, mr. Kotter. 247 00:11:56,815 --> 00:11:58,059 Better luck next time, you know? 248 00:11:58,083 --> 00:11:59,382 - it's all right. 249 00:11:59,417 --> 00:12:01,718 - oh, it wasn't that bad, honey. 250 00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:04,754 It was that bad. 251 00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:09,093 - you was really doing great 'til you opened your mouth. 252 00:12:10,996 --> 00:12:12,396 - at least your suit was funny. 253 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,698 Yeah. 254 00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:18,501 - chin up, little buckaroo. 255 00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:22,772 You did your best. 256 00:12:22,807 --> 00:12:24,407 - yeah, I guess so, arnold. 257 00:12:24,443 --> 00:12:27,577 It's not my fault if my Relatives aren't funny. 258 00:12:27,612 --> 00:12:28,578 - that's the spirit, honey. 259 00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,814 You have got nothing To be ashamed of. 260 00:12:30,849 --> 00:12:32,827 - you know, I've got Something to be ashamed of. 261 00:12:32,851 --> 00:12:34,518 I laughed at him. 262 00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:37,765 I can never come Back here again. 263 00:12:37,789 --> 00:12:39,501 Everyone's gonna think There's something wrong with me. 264 00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:41,157 They're gonna think I'm weird. 265 00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:45,762 - look, guys, you Wanted me to try and I did. 266 00:12:45,797 --> 00:12:50,066 Now, if you don't mind, I'll see you tomorrow. 267 00:12:50,101 --> 00:12:51,301 - right on, man, sure. 268 00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,947 - you take care. - you did all right, you know? 269 00:12:52,971 --> 00:12:54,904 - yeah, look, that's Show biz, huh? 270 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:55,940 - yeah. 271 00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:00,109 - I'm proud of you. 272 00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:03,046 - c'mon, honey. 273 00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:04,760 Everything's gonna be all right. 274 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,650 - yeah, let's go home. - okay. 275 00:13:06,685 --> 00:13:09,253 - hey, don't tell the Girls what happened. 276 00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,221 - okay. 277 00:13:11,256 --> 00:13:12,856 - gabe kotter? - yeah. 278 00:13:12,891 --> 00:13:13,924 - nice to meet you. 279 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:15,191 Peter charnoff. 280 00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:16,638 - oh, hi. This is my wife julie. 281 00:13:16,662 --> 00:13:17,672 This is mr. Charnoff. 282 00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:19,107 - hi. - hi. 283 00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,264 - creative talent agency? 284 00:13:21,299 --> 00:13:22,666 I think you got the wrong guy. 285 00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:23,667 - I'm in the nightclub division. 286 00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:26,169 We're always looking For new talent. 287 00:13:26,204 --> 00:13:28,049 - well, now I know You got the wrong guy. 288 00:13:28,073 --> 00:13:29,272 - forget about tonight. 289 00:13:29,307 --> 00:13:32,208 There's some crazy old man Out there heckling everybody. 290 00:13:34,479 --> 00:13:36,519 You know, I hope I Never see him again. 291 00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:39,883 - I wish I could be that lucky. 292 00:13:39,918 --> 00:13:41,084 - look. 293 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,053 I think you're a funny guy. 294 00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:44,822 Your trouble is material. 295 00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:46,734 Number one, you Need somethin' fresh. 296 00:13:46,758 --> 00:13:47,869 Somethin' that fits you. 297 00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:48,893 Have a seat. 298 00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:54,230 - have a seat. - oh. 299 00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:56,978 - now, what do You do for a living? 300 00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:58,002 - I'm a teacher. 301 00:13:58,037 --> 00:13:59,447 - all right, what do you teach? 302 00:13:59,471 --> 00:14:01,772 - uh, social studies For under achievers. 303 00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:03,351 - not bad. That could be funny. 304 00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:06,009 - oh, it is funny. You Should meet the sweathogs. 305 00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,455 - yeah, you should Meet the sweathogs. 306 00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:09,319 - sweathogs? What's sweathogs? 307 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,026 - sweathogs are The kids I teach. 308 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,616 - I love it. I'm Laughin' already. 309 00:14:16,988 --> 00:14:19,423 - you don't look Like you're laughing. 310 00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:21,391 - it's inside here. 311 00:14:21,426 --> 00:14:23,059 Where it counts. 312 00:14:23,095 --> 00:14:24,727 Now tell me about these kids. 313 00:14:24,763 --> 00:14:27,096 - well, um, see, there's Arnold horshack. 314 00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:28,309 - great name. Love it. 315 00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:29,465 What's he like? 316 00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:32,169 - well, he's short, he's Got a kinda pointy nose. 317 00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:35,238 He laughs... 318 00:14:36,441 --> 00:14:37,685 - you wouldn't believe the laugh 319 00:14:37,709 --> 00:14:40,010 That's going on Inside me right now. 320 00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:43,891 - you know, you Better watch out. 321 00:14:43,915 --> 00:14:46,216 You could get an Ingrown chuckle. 322 00:14:47,852 --> 00:14:49,597 - I'm serious. This Stuff is great. 323 00:14:49,621 --> 00:14:50,621 You got more? 324 00:14:50,655 --> 00:14:52,695 - sure, I got more. There's juan epstein. 325 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,690 He's a tough guy. 326 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,459 He was voted most Likely to take a life. 327 00:14:56,494 --> 00:14:58,595 Then there's uh... - no. Stop. 328 00:14:58,630 --> 00:15:00,230 You're killing me here. 329 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:04,334 Look, you put these Kids in your routine 330 00:15:04,369 --> 00:15:06,303 You got yourself A nightclub act. 331 00:15:06,338 --> 00:15:08,571 Now, I'll see you here Next sunday night. 332 00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:09,572 - what? 333 00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:10,974 - next sunday. 334 00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:13,744 Do the new stuff. Talk About the kids, right? 335 00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:15,112 - yeah, sure. Right. 336 00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:16,827 - great. See you then. 337 00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:23,319 - honey, remind me next Week to bring my stethoscope. 338 00:15:23,354 --> 00:15:25,222 - stethoscope? Why? 339 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:28,458 - for once, I would like To hear that man laugh. 340 00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:31,428 - funny, julie, very funny. 341 00:15:31,463 --> 00:15:33,229 - I'm getting funnier. 342 00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:36,098 - all right, guys, I think I got it. 343 00:15:36,134 --> 00:15:38,012 Let me try it, all Right? No interruptions. 344 00:15:38,036 --> 00:15:40,770 - just a minute! 345 00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:44,508 Mr. Music, can I have A drum roll, please? 346 00:16:02,894 --> 00:16:04,928 Thank you, boys. 347 00:16:06,397 --> 00:16:11,167 Okay, ladies and Gentlemen, here he is! 348 00:16:11,202 --> 00:16:12,502 Gabe kotter! 349 00:16:14,973 --> 00:16:16,084 - thank you. Thank you. 350 00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:18,186 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a Schoolteacher in brooklyn 351 00:16:18,210 --> 00:16:19,554 And I got this crazy Bunch of students. 352 00:16:19,578 --> 00:16:21,845 They call themselves The sweathogs. 353 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:22,846 Let me tell you about 'em. 354 00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:23,959 Well, there's freddy washington, 355 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,481 we sorta call him "Boom boom." 356 00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:26,482 that's his nickname, boom boom, 357 00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:27,617 And he walks like this. 358 00:16:27,652 --> 00:16:28,618 You know, you see him Walking down the street, 359 00:16:28,653 --> 00:16:29,893 He's always walking like this. 360 00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:36,392 And he says "Hi, there." 361 00:16:36,427 --> 00:16:37,427 - wrong. Relax. 362 00:16:37,462 --> 00:16:38,561 Take a break. 363 00:16:39,631 --> 00:16:41,798 Now, mr. Kotter, I Don't walk like this. 364 00:16:43,635 --> 00:16:44,601 I don't do that, see? 365 00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:46,347 What I do is I relax, I let myself hang. 366 00:16:46,371 --> 00:16:48,538 I let it stay back And I just give it. 367 00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,407 "Hi, there." 368 00:16:50,442 --> 00:16:51,586 Checkin' me out? - yeah, yeah. 369 00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:52,576 - think you can handle it? - I can do it. 370 00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:53,577 - think you can hang? - yeah. 371 00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:54,689 - lemme see you hang. Lemme see you hang. 372 00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:55,823 You loose? Get some rhythm. 373 00:16:55,847 --> 00:16:57,425 Move them hips, all right. You doin' nice, all right. 374 00:16:57,449 --> 00:16:58,659 Hang back and give It to me. You ready? 375 00:16:58,683 --> 00:16:59,727 - yeah. - you ready? 376 00:16:59,751 --> 00:17:01,229 - yeah. - let it go. 377 00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:02,852 - hi, there. 378 00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:06,634 - it's gonna take a lot More than practice 379 00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:08,258 To get him to look like me. 380 00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:11,561 How fast do you tan? 381 00:17:13,064 --> 00:17:14,708 - sit down. - coppertone? 382 00:17:14,732 --> 00:17:16,099 - sit down! 383 00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:19,235 All right, the next Sweathog is juan epstein. 384 00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:22,104 Juan epstein is half jewish And half puerto rican. 385 00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:24,907 His favorite dish Is matzo ball tacos. 386 00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:32,315 - funny. That's funny. 387 00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,128 - juan has a very strange walk. 388 00:17:34,152 --> 00:17:36,720 He walks like he's got His lunch in his shoes. 389 00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:39,689 Somethin' like this. 390 00:17:43,495 --> 00:17:44,594 - come on, come on. 391 00:17:44,629 --> 00:17:47,097 Don't be crazy. Nobody walks like that. 392 00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:53,403 Lookie here, you gotta Go for the gold, you know? 393 00:17:53,439 --> 00:17:55,872 Why don't you try some Of my old notes on 'em? 394 00:17:55,907 --> 00:17:57,318 - notes, one of your Notes! That's a great idea. 395 00:17:57,342 --> 00:17:58,308 - yeah, yeah. 396 00:17:58,343 --> 00:17:59,654 All right, now What you gotta do is 397 00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:02,512 You gotta ask for a Category and improve it. 398 00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:03,691 Okay. Give me a category. 399 00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:05,415 Go ahead. - uh, space program. 400 00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:06,416 - all right, that's Good, that's good. 401 00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:07,617 Let's see, uh, um. 402 00:18:07,652 --> 00:18:11,020 Dear mr. Kotter, please Excuse juan for being absent. 403 00:18:11,056 --> 00:18:15,959 He got chosen by nasa to Be the first punk in orbit. 404 00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:17,961 See? Use the a stuff. 405 00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:19,240 - that's funny. All Right, I'll do it now. 406 00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:20,264 Great, great, okay. 407 00:18:20,298 --> 00:18:21,698 Epstein always has these... 408 00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:27,670 What are you doing? - I'm the cocktail waitress. 409 00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:31,774 You gotta get into The reality of this. 410 00:18:31,809 --> 00:18:33,221 - will you sit down? Come on. 411 00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:34,910 - keep your hands off me. 412 00:18:36,348 --> 00:18:38,314 I'm goin' steady with the owner. 413 00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,221 - I give it six months. 414 00:18:45,757 --> 00:18:49,593 - mr. Kotter, don't you Pay them no mind at all. 415 00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:50,828 Go ahead, talk about me now. 416 00:18:50,862 --> 00:18:53,597 Go ahead, go ahead. 417 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,076 - arnold horshack. That's right. 418 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:56,544 That's the actual Name of a kid in my class. 419 00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:57,712 His name is arnold horshack. 420 00:18:57,736 --> 00:18:58,768 He goes like this. 421 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:01,805 "Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh." 422 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,006 - no, no, no. 423 00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:05,841 No, no, no. 424 00:19:05,877 --> 00:19:07,755 - I thought you said that You weren't gonna interrupt. 425 00:19:07,779 --> 00:19:09,757 - well, if you wanna Be sloppy about it. 426 00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:11,059 - all right, all right, All right, all right. 427 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,048 What am I doing wrong? 428 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,684 - well, first of all, it's More rounded tones. 429 00:19:14,719 --> 00:19:15,919 "Ohh, ohh-ohh!" 430 00:19:15,954 --> 00:19:18,054 - ohh, ohh-ohh, ohh-ohh. 431 00:19:18,089 --> 00:19:19,055 - now cut it off. Cut it off. 432 00:19:19,090 --> 00:19:21,223 Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh. 433 00:19:21,259 --> 00:19:22,225 You got it, you got it! 434 00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:24,260 - ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh. 435 00:19:24,295 --> 00:19:25,773 - now with the arm, Now with the arm. 436 00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:26,908 And you gotta hold it up. 437 00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:28,164 - ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh. 438 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,377 - louder! Oh, you got it! 439 00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:31,111 - ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh. - you got it! 440 00:19:31,135 --> 00:19:33,770 - ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh. 441 00:19:37,775 --> 00:19:39,742 - nice to hear the Old songs, kotter. 442 00:19:41,446 --> 00:19:45,749 - mr. Woodman, mr. Kotter Was rehearsing his act here. 443 00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:46,928 - you're gonna do it again? 444 00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:50,019 - yes, yes. Some guy figured Out why I bombed last time. 445 00:19:50,054 --> 00:19:51,488 - oh, I could've told you that. 446 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:52,789 You went on stage. 447 00:19:58,463 --> 00:19:59,963 - all right, forget about him. 448 00:19:59,998 --> 00:20:01,809 Ladies and gentlemen, I Have another student. 449 00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:03,599 His name is vinnie barbarino. 450 00:20:03,634 --> 00:20:06,369 Vinnie barbarino is very Popular with the ladies. 451 00:20:06,405 --> 00:20:08,838 In fact, if information Can't find a number, 452 00:20:08,873 --> 00:20:10,173 They call vinnie. 453 00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:16,056 He's the only student I know that's listed 454 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,580 In the guinness book of hickies. 455 00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:25,199 Yeah, well, I gotta say one Thing about the sweathogs. 456 00:20:25,223 --> 00:20:26,289 They're non-violent. 457 00:20:26,324 --> 00:20:27,857 They don't believe in guns. 458 00:20:27,892 --> 00:20:29,636 They insert the Bullets manually. 459 00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:34,975 Remember when I say About juan epstein? 460 00:20:34,999 --> 00:20:36,377 Well, whenever He's late or absent 461 00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:38,968 He always brings in a note And he writes it himself. 462 00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:39,969 Here's one. 463 00:20:40,004 --> 00:20:41,924 An actual note That juan handed in. 464 00:20:42,874 --> 00:20:44,907 "Dear mr. Kotter, Please excuse juan 465 00:20:44,942 --> 00:20:46,543 For being absent for two days. 466 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:47,777 He was flown to rome 467 00:20:47,812 --> 00:20:50,112 For an ecumenical Council with the pope." 468 00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:54,917 - it's uh, it's signed "Epstein's mother." 469 00:20:58,723 --> 00:21:01,524 Well, what can I tell you People about the sweathogs 470 00:21:01,559 --> 00:21:03,959 That you already haven't Heard on your police radios? 471 00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:08,498 Hey, thank you. 472 00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:09,499 And as the sweathogs would say, 473 00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,634 "Up your noses With rubber hoses." 474 00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:12,670 Goodnight. 475 00:21:25,116 --> 00:21:27,076 - you were beautiful, Sweetie, baby! 476 00:21:28,053 --> 00:21:29,018 - hear that, julie? 477 00:21:29,053 --> 00:21:30,764 I've been promoted To "Sweetie baby." 478 00:21:30,788 --> 00:21:32,655 - excuse me, lady. 479 00:21:32,690 --> 00:21:34,690 I'm eddie mitzer, the owner. 480 00:21:34,726 --> 00:21:36,026 You did a great job tonight. 481 00:21:36,061 --> 00:21:37,638 - well, thank you Very much, eddie. 482 00:21:37,662 --> 00:21:38,628 - starting tuesday, 483 00:21:38,663 --> 00:21:40,074 I can get you two Weeks in jersey city 484 00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:41,397 At the steaming chips inn. 485 00:21:41,432 --> 00:21:42,999 $500 a week. 486 00:21:43,034 --> 00:21:44,467 - $500 a week? 487 00:21:44,502 --> 00:21:45,679 Charnoff: if you do good, After that I get you 488 00:21:45,703 --> 00:21:47,937 playboy clubs, Colleges, concerts. 489 00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:50,172 And I'm really very Happy for you inside here. 490 00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:51,674 Where it counts. 491 00:21:52,778 --> 00:21:55,712 - wow, that's a Really tempting offer. 492 00:21:55,747 --> 00:21:56,779 - yee-hoo! 493 00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:02,997 - howdy, guys. You Know something? 494 00:22:03,021 --> 00:22:04,432 I come here a lot And I always wanted 495 00:22:04,456 --> 00:22:05,755 To try to get up on stage. 496 00:22:05,790 --> 00:22:07,134 - well, I'm really glad you did. 497 00:22:07,158 --> 00:22:08,870 See you next week. You've got a great talent. 498 00:22:08,894 --> 00:22:10,337 Don't waste it. Hey baby! 499 00:22:10,361 --> 00:22:12,241 - so what do you say, gaby baby? 500 00:22:14,032 --> 00:22:16,010 - well, I don't know. This Is all happening so fast. 501 00:22:16,034 --> 00:22:19,402 That's... I suppose I could Get a leave of absence. 502 00:22:19,437 --> 00:22:20,403 Charnoff: yeah, well, c'mon. 503 00:22:20,438 --> 00:22:21,738 - what do you think, julie? 504 00:22:21,773 --> 00:22:23,939 - kotter. Kotter, You're over 30. 505 00:22:23,975 --> 00:22:25,853 C'mon, take the Shot while you got it. 506 00:22:25,877 --> 00:22:28,277 - mr. Kotter, you was terrific. 507 00:22:29,313 --> 00:22:30,491 Mr. Kotter: thank you, guys. 508 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,359 You know, I mean, this is like A dream come true for me. 509 00:22:32,383 --> 00:22:33,627 You know, I dreamt That something like this 510 00:22:33,651 --> 00:22:35,952 Would one day happen And it's... I can't believe it. 511 00:22:35,987 --> 00:22:38,621 - how many people get to See their dreams come true? 512 00:22:38,657 --> 00:22:39,622 You know, it's the right move. 513 00:22:39,658 --> 00:22:41,725 I can feel it, here. Inside. 514 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,159 C'mon, what do you say? 515 00:22:46,565 --> 00:22:48,542 - well, I guess, you Know, if you get a chance 516 00:22:48,566 --> 00:22:52,001 To grab at that brass ring, You better take it, right? 517 00:22:54,138 --> 00:22:55,182 - all right. Quiet everybody. 518 00:22:55,206 --> 00:22:57,607 Quiet. I have an announcement. 519 00:22:57,642 --> 00:23:01,577 Starting this tuesday, For mr. Gabe kotter, 520 00:23:01,612 --> 00:23:04,680 It's goodbye teaching, Hello show business. 521 00:23:22,700 --> 00:23:23,778 Narrator: is gabe kotter serious 522 00:23:23,802 --> 00:23:26,035 about doing standup comedy? 523 00:23:26,070 --> 00:23:29,472 more important, is he Funny doing standup comedy? 524 00:23:29,507 --> 00:23:32,741 will he hit the heights, The skids or the road? 525 00:23:32,777 --> 00:23:36,513 will woodman quit his job and Become a professional heckler? 526 00:23:36,548 --> 00:23:39,315 has kotter turned his Back on the sweathogs? 527 00:23:39,350 --> 00:23:42,184 now, who will teach These delightful lads? 528 00:23:42,219 --> 00:23:45,155 does julie want this for gabe? 529 00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:48,591 can a man make a whole Career out of epstein's walk? 530 00:23:48,626 --> 00:23:50,593 horshack's laugh? 531 00:23:50,628 --> 00:23:53,095 barbarino's charm? 532 00:23:53,130 --> 00:23:55,464 and washington's cool? 533 00:23:55,500 --> 00:24:00,069 find out next week on part Two of "Welcome back, kotter." 534 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:03,072 personally, I think the Kid's gonna make it big. 535 00:24:12,050 --> 00:24:14,784 ♪ welcome back ♪ 536 00:24:14,819 --> 00:24:18,587 ♪ your dreams were Your ticket out ♪ 537 00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:20,723 ♪ welcome back ♪ 538 00:24:20,758 --> 00:24:25,528 ♪ to that same old place That you laughed about ♪ 539 00:24:25,563 --> 00:24:27,663 ♪ well, the names Have all changed ♪ 540 00:24:27,699 --> 00:24:29,899 ♪ since you hung around ♪ 541 00:24:29,934 --> 00:24:32,101 ♪ but those dreams Have remained ♪ 542 00:24:32,136 --> 00:24:34,370 ♪ and they've turned around ♪ 543 00:24:34,405 --> 00:24:36,505 ♪ who'd have thought They'd lead ya ♪ 544 00:24:36,541 --> 00:24:38,585 ♪ ♪ 545 00:24:38,609 --> 00:24:40,609 ♪ back here where we need ya? ♪ 546 00:24:40,645 --> 00:24:42,745 ♪ ♪ 547 00:24:42,781 --> 00:24:44,513 ♪ yeah we tease him a lot ♪ 548 00:24:44,549 --> 00:24:46,949 ♪ 'cause we've got Him on the spot ♪ 549 00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:48,885 ♪ welcome back ♪ 550 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:53,223 ♪ welcome back welcome Back welcome back ♪ 551 00:24:53,258 --> 00:24:58,427 ♪ welcome back welcome Back welcome back ♪ 552 00:24:58,463 --> 00:25:02,165 ♪ we always could Spot a friend ♪ 553 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,400 ♪ welcome back ♪ 554 00:25:04,435 --> 00:25:06,569 ♪ and I smile when I think... ♪ 40765

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