All language subtitles for Zainab.Johnson.Hijabs.Off.2023.720p.WEBRip.800MB.x264-GalaxyRG

[cheering, applause]

[cheering continues]

- [mouthing] Thank you.
- [cheering subsides]

Thank you so much for coming…
[gasps]

- …to see me tape my first hour special.
- [cheering, applause]

[chuckles] Now…

…any Muslims in the house?

- [cheering]
- [laughs]

[in Arabic] Assalamu alaikum.

We never seen that
on a comedy special. [laughs]

It's going to be people tuning
into this, like, "Wait, what happened?

What? You said this was a comedy special?
You… [stutters]

'Cause this seem like an episode of 24.
What? What?

Okay. Okay, I'll keep watching. Okay"

I always like to ask that. I'm Muslim.
I know I'm underdressed. Um…

I like to say it, I'm proud, you know,
I'm a proud Black Muslim.

- [cheering]
- Yeah.

But I do, you know, I do get harassed
by the haram police.

Yo, they be after me.

They be after me. I can't post a photo
without them commenting, like,

"Oh, you're not Muslim,
you don't even cover your hair."

I'm like, "Well, this is a wig.
So technically…"

[laughing, applause]

If I ran for office right now,

my campaign would be
"The Wig is the 2023 Hijab."

So next time you see a woman with the wig,
just say "assalamu alaikum."

I'm not the best. I'll admit it.
I be doing stuff.

But I be doing some
of the right stuff too.

I pray, I fast, I give to charity.

I don't be dressing right all the time.
I love… I love when I see Muslim women,

like, dressed and covered
and near fashionable.

I'm like, I wish I saw that
when I was a kid,

you know, then I would
have maybe been empowered,

you know, to do that.

- [audience chuckles]
- [Zainab laughs]

But I didn't have that.

So I be out in the street
with a ripped jeans.

[audience laughs, claps]

[laughs] I'm good for a hole in the knee.

And also, if you guys don't know,
Jummah prayer is on Friday.

Friday in the afternoon.

I'm a get there.
But I might not be dressed right.

'Cause it's casual Friday.

But the guys, they got to go out
and march for us.

They got to be like,
"Let the lady show they knees."

We don't care about no knee.
Think about it.

Have you ever heard a guy be like,
"Yo, the one with the knee? [groans]

- Oh! Bruh, then I saw her knee, bruh!"
- [audience laughs]

[soft chuckle]

Oh! Have you ever heard that?
Like, "It was the knee for me."

- Like, have you ever…?
- [all laughing]

You know? It's like, all right,
I'm not covered up. That's okay.

They are some things that I do,
you know, that I do follow

and I'm really good at, like…um…
You know, I… uh, I don't drink.

Yeah, I don't drink alcohol,
but I don't tell people I don't drink.

I'll play pissy drunk.

Literally,
take a nice little wiz on myself.

[laughter]

[audience whooping]

Just to not drink and also not have
to tell a person I don't drink.

Because people who drink,
they don't want to hear that. Right?

When you tell a person who drinks
you don't drink,

what they hear is,
"Oh, you think I'm an alcoholic?"

[laughs] And it's like,
"No, I don't think you're an alcoholic.

I do think you make things about you. But…

I don't think you a alcoholic."

Also, it makes me a cheap date, right?
Most I'm a cost you is fish market price.

Because I don't drink, I'm a lightweight.

So if you want to get me drunk,
all you got to do is give me a kombucha.

That's the appropriate response for that.
[laughs]

I feel, like, happy.
I was like, "A probiotic drink."

The rest of y'all was like,
"Now, who's kombucha?

What? Now, what happened?

Is that her middle name?"

I was on a date with a guy.
Even that, the haram police, "A date?"

I was sitting down at a table
with a guy hoping to be married one day.

[all laughing]

"What date? This is my husband." Um…

I'm on a date with this guy.
It's going good. I know it's going good

'cause I'm talking in my baby voice.

[laughs] Listen, I love my voice.

I love my voice.
My voice is calm yet confident.

I love my voice.

But my voice sounds like
I'm killing it in life without you.

I want the guy to think my life
hasn't even started…

…until he walked in the room.

I know. It's like,
"No, Zainab, feminism.

You setting us back."
I'm trying to get things done.

[applause, cheering]

[baby voice] So I just talk like this.

[baby voice]
And act like I can't do anything. Yeah.

[baby voice]
Like, I just need so much help.

Sometimes I just go to a stranger, to a
guy out in the street I never met before.

I'll go right up to him, be like,

[baby voice] "Excuse me.
Can you please tell me how to breathe?"

[baby voice] "Please?"

Without fail… without fail,
the guy would be like,

"First you gotta inhale."

[all laughing]

He thinks I don't know
how to do something involuntary.

But guess what?

I inhale on his ass.

Deep. [inhales]

[holds breath]

[audience laughs]

Oh, you can't exhale
till he tells you to exhale.

You gotta fully commit.

You stand there, you turn blue, you go…

He'll tell you, he'll be like, "Oh,
you gotta exhale. You gotta let it out."

If he don't save your life,
then he ain't the one for you, right?

He'll feel so accomplished after that.

He'll go to his friends like,
"She couldn't breathe without me, bruh.

I saved her life, bruh."

I play dumb.

I'll stand in front of a guy
and be like, [baby voice] "A…

[stifled chuckles]

- …B…
- [raucous laughter]

…three? I don't know."

[chuckling]
Here's why.

My plan is when, like, every…
all of this, like, goes to shit,

you know, when we have our Walking Dead,
Last of Us moment,

you know what I'm saying?

And we all trying to, like,
you know, get to safety

so we could be the start
of the next humanity.

My guy, his only goal
is going to be to save me.

Everybody's going to be like,
"Come on, dude, get to the bunker."

He's like, "No, no, no, no, no.
I got to find Zainab.

You don't understand.
She can't breathe without me."

[laughter]

He killing everybody in his [laughs]
path...

Trying to get to me.

Meanwhile, I'm on the other side
of the country running a colony.

But he won't find that out.

[cheering, applause]

He won't find that out until season eight.

So I was on this date. [laughs]

Talking in my baby voice.
I knew the date was going good

'cause I said the stupidest thing
I've ever said.

I said…

'Cause, you know, you got a…

It's hard to be stupid
when you not stupid.

You know what I'm saying?
It's really the best acting I ever do.

So I go… [baby voice]
"Is your avocado a fruit or a vegetable?"

My real self jumped out.

It's like, "Girl, what you doing?" I was
like, Trying to get married. Shut…"

[soft chuckling]

So I know the date was going good

'cause I was deep, deep,
deep in the character.

He says, "Get a drink."

Remember, I don't drink.

So I don't say that. I'm like,
[baby voice] "No, sugar." [mumbles]

I said any logical excuse.
I was like,

[baby voice]
"My throat too small. I can't."

[laughs, baby voice]
"It's shiny, I can't no, no…"

He says, "Stop playing and get a drink.
I was like, "No, no, no. I can't."

He said,
"What, you think I'm a roofie you?"

[soft groaning]

- I said, "Yeah…
- [audience laughing]

'cause that sounds like something
a roofier would say."

Right? You don't ever say that.

You don't say the "R" word
even if you plan on doing the "R" word.

Appropriate question to ask is,
"Oh, are you in a program?" Right?

That's a legitimate question.

You don't want nobody relapsing
on a date, right?

You don't want to be like,
"I was teaching her about fruit

and then she stabbed me."
Like, you don't want that.

Right?

Or another question could be,
you know, like,

"Oh, is it for religious reasons?"
I would have said yes.

Then he would have found out more about me

and we would have decided in that
moment if we were compatible. Right?

But…

…if you decline a drink,

if a guy offers you a drink
and you say no,

and the first thing he says,
"You think I'm a roofie you?"

- [laughs] He got the pill in his pocket.
- [raucous laughter, clapping]

You better get out of there. [laughs]

[sighs]

Zainab is a very popular Arabic name.

- Any "Zainabs" in here?
- [light applause]

Somebody over here was like,
"Oh, wow. Oh." [laughs]

I like that that happened because
now you know I'm not lying. Like…

So Zainab, like, it's so… it's so popular,

like, everywhere else in the world.
But not here.

Here people act like they can't say it.

They make it the name closest
in their mind.

I'm like, "Hey, I'm Zainab."
They're like, "Dana? Nice to meet you."

[laugher]

Sometimes the mispronunciation
is egregious.

This one lady called me Zimbutu.

I was like, "This the last time
I come to this Starbucks."

It's not popular here.
People have mispronounced it all my life.

You know, all our lives.

So I'm not naive. Right?

I know that I'm not going to go
to, like, the Grand Canyon

or Universal Studios souvenir shop,

I know I'm not going
to see Zainab, like, on a keychain. Right?

I'm not going to see Zainab
on a refrigerator magnet. Right?

But the first time
I went to the Middle East… [exhales]

…Zainabs everywhere.

Everywhere. I could not walk
into a souvenir shop

without seeing Zainab on everything,
on mugs, on rugs, on keychains.

I've got a pair of fake Gucci sneakers,
Zainab written on 'em.

It was amazing. A girl who sold me the
Zainab merch, her name was Zainab.

It was fantastic.

I'm feeling like a bad "B"
letting the Zainabs rain on me.

I see this sad white woman
in the corner looking for her name.

- [audience laughter]
- I'm like, "I know that look."

So I tried to help her. I said,
"Dang, Jessica, this ain't your scene."

[raucous laughter]

I was like, "You gotta go to Epcot."

[muffled chuckling]

My last name is Johnson.

- [audience laughing]
- [Zainab] 'Cause I'm Black.

Number one question
when you're a Black Muslim,

they'd be like, "Oh, oh, oh in prison?"

"Who did a bid? No, who did a bid?"

I was a part of such a, like, tight-knit
Muslim community when I was young.

I didn't really understand the separation.

You know, being a Black Muslim,
I just thought I was Muslim.

Then 9/11 happened…

…and I was scared to go outside.

After 9/11, my friend like,
"Zainab, why you not coming outside?"

I'm like, "'Cause Islamophobia.
Islamophobia, they hate Muslims.

They hate me."
She was like, "Girl, you Black."

[raucous laughter]

[laughs] Five minutes later, I was like…

[laughs loudly]

Oh, that took a lot to do in these heels.

[whooping, clapping]

And I actually love my name.
Like, I feel like my name kind of, like…

…like, the Johnson saves the Zainab,

you know, in moments
where people get suspicious.

You know what I'm saying?
Like, at the airport,

they might look at Zainab and be like,
"Oh, should we stop her?

Johnson? Oh, no.
She's probably just going to Atlanta."

[laughter, clapping]

And they're probably right.

I stopped covering up
when I was like maybe 14… 14, 15.

So, you know, I present
as a Black woman, you know?

If I committed a crime right now,
y'all not going to be like,

"The Muslim chick!" Right?

Y'all going to be like,
"Oh, the tall Black lady." Right?

So when I meet Middle Eastern men,
they find out that my name is Zainab.

But I appear to just be a Black woman.
And so they feel the need to teach me…

…about Zainab.

[in Arabic accent]
"You know who… Zainab. Do you know?"

"Do you know who Zainab is? Do you know?"

It's like they holding me up like Simba.
[in accent] "Do you know?"

I'm following too, like…

"Do you know?" They tell me their family
history. "My mother's name is Zainab."

- [audience laughing]
- "Do you know? Za... "

I'm like, "Yes, Muhammad, I know.
Drive the Uber. Come on!"

[raucous laughter, clapping]

"I know, Habibi, but I gotta get
to the airport, Inshallah. Come on."

[chuckles]

Coincidentally, my younger brother's name
is Mohammed.

Yeah, his name is Mohammed Abdul Rahim.

- [audience collective groan]
- Yeah.

So clearly he's never flown.

He had to drive to London.

Just freakin' Magic School Bus'ed
it across the Atlantic.

I found out, like,
how weighted of a name it is

when I tried to Western Union
my younger brother $100.

Tried to Western Union him $100,

and the United States Department
of Treasury called me,

told me the United States
does not do business

with Mohammed Abdul Rahim.

[chuckles] Yeah.

They made us submit birth certificate,
Social Security card,

paperwork, signed and notarized
to prove that our Mohammed Abdul Rahim

ain't the Mohammed Abdul Rahim
the US don't fuck with.

And I was so shocked because I'm, like,
I swore terrorism cost more than $100.

Right?

Like… like I can't even get a bag
of groceries from Whole Foods for $100.

And you telling me I could fuck up
a region? I just had no idea.

Right? I thought you needed oil money.

- But I guess just canola, right?
- [audience clapping, laughing]

I have no idea what canola is.
I have no idea.

We just know it's the cheapest oil
on the shelf.

The reason why my brother
and I have different last names,

me Johnson, him Abdul Rahim,
is because my parents converted.

My parents were born Christian.

My mom converted in college,
my dad converted in the Navy.

They met one another, got married,
had 13 Muslim kids.

[cheering, applause]

That's the sound my mom's vagina makes.

Walk past my mom's vagina
on a quiet night. It's like, "Wow."

"Wooow!"

It's tired. It put in the work.
It needs a 401k. It…

[sighs]

So they had six of us.
They had like six or seven of us,

and, uh, they named us Johnson.

And, you know, they…
they changed their name to Abdul Rahim.

But they kept naming us Johnson,
my father's legal last name, right?

And so then they got the,
you know, idea, like,

"Wait a second,
we should all be Abdul Rahims."

And so they go down to City Hall.

They say to the clerk, "Hey, we're Muslim.

We want to change our kids' names
legally to Abdul Rahim."

And the clerk was like, "That's amazing.
It's going to be a million dollars.

[audience laughs]

How Muslim are you?"

My parents was like, "You know what?
We'll just name the new kids Abdul Rahim."

And so half of us are Johnson,
half are Abdul Rahim.

And we a little bit different.
We different.

What my sister be doing,
my little sister, I be like,

"I don't know, she Abdul Rahim.
Like, I don't even know."

I don't know what they be doing
over there.

Thirteen kids is a lot.

Bless my mom's heart, it's a lot.
And… and…

…her vajayjay, bless it. Bless it.

It's a lot. People always ask me,
"You want to have 13 kids?"

It's like, I almost
didn't want 13 siblings. So…

[audience member cackles]

[muffled chuckle]
I know that laugh.

Not gonna have 13 kids. No way.

I mean, let's be real.
Black don't crack, but it's too late.

Um! [laughs]

Walk in the doctor's office,
"I think I'm gonna do 13."

"Have a seat."

"You got a strong three.
And that's if you start today."

[fake laughter]
He sat right there… [laughs]

Like, right here on the stage.
No, like, right…

Why did I fast-forward to the delivery?
Like, what is my problem?

I won't have one either.

I won't have one.

A lot is better than one.
None is better than one, in my opinion.

One, too much pressure on the kid.
Too much pressure on the parent.

It's putting all your eggs
in one basket, literally.

Think about it.
You have one kid…

- That kid is a murderer.
- [laughter]

That's a crap shoot.

Thirteen is better, you have thirteen…

…and only one is a murderer,
you did good, right?

They coming after you like,
"You the murderer's mom!"

It's like, "But I have four doctors.

So it seems like we're saving more lives
than we're taking."

We don't got four doctors. Uh… [laughs]

We don't have that.
But my mom has a good variety.

She has a great variety.
She has a comedian. She has…

- Yeah, she…
- [cheering, applause]

They have an engineer.
Yeah, they have a lawyer.

An aesthetician, a teacher,
an athlete, a singer, right?

- Oh, we have a gold-digger.
- [abrupt laughter, applause]

That's a profession.

My sister dug deep.

Married a white, wealthy British doctor,
30 years older.

[soft groaning, muffled chuckles]

That's the craziest response.

Like, women, when I say that now,
be like, "Ooh!"

[laughs]

Like, it sound like,
"God, yeah, he has abs?

No, I don't care about that.
He about to die? Ooh!

And leave me something? Ooh!"

Here's what's funny about my sister.

Because he's a doctor,
she thinks she's a doctor.

So she introduces herself as "Dr. Mrs."

Confidently. "Hi. Nice to meet you.
I'm Dr. Mrs."

Confidently.
That's flawed logic.

Like, by my sister's logic,
LeBron James' wife

is arguably the best player of all time.

One day my sister and I,
who I love dearly,

we were on a quick flight, LA to Vegas.

And just like in the movies,
they come over the intercom.

And was like,
"Hey, we're sorry to disturb you.

But is there a medical professional
on board?"

[audience groans, laughs]

I felt Dr. Mrs. I felt her.

I felt my sister rise up.

Not a lot, just, you know,
a eight-degree angle. Just a…

Never have I called my sister
out her name until that day.

- I said, "Bitch…
- [abrupt laughter, applause]

Not today, sis.

We will go viral for the wrong reason."

- We have a stripper.
- [crowd murmuring, cheering]

I love how time… have things have changed.

Twenty years ago, if somebody
was like, "We have a stripper,"

y'all would've been like, "Oh!"
Now y'all like, "Okay! What's her IG?"

It's a profession.

Hashtag "I be stripping."

She… strips fully dressed.
The bikini on top. Know what I'm saying?

- 'Cause, you know, we Muslim. Uh…
- [laughter]

Could you imagine… could you…
Could you… Okay, okay, okay.

Could you imagine that strip club
where they just fully cover in hijabs

and they just like… [groaning]

Like that's the strip tease. [groaning]

The guys in there going crazy, like,
"They about to show their hair! Yo!"

[groaning]

[chuckles, groans] Okay.

They're going to come after me
for that one. Uh…

We don't want my sister to be a stripper.
We don't want her to be a stripper.

But we said, "You're going to be a
stripper, just be the best stripper."

Know what I'm saying?
Don't disgrace us and disgrace us."

You know what I'm saying?

We bullied her. We all, as a group,
went to the strip club,

stood in the back with a stack of ones…

…threatening my sister. "Don't let no
other stripper go home with this money."

[laugher, applause]

"We better not go home in the hole."

I saw my sister twerking
and begging the guys.

Like, "My mama's here. My mama…"

"My mama… my mama."

This is the worst twerk…

Was y'all thinking that? Like, this is…

I'm sorry I did that right
to your face, sir.

- It wasn't nothing you can't handle. Um…
- [laughing, clapping]

First time I did this show in a round,
'cause I…

I knew I wanted to tape it in a round.

So I started practicing it in a round,
and the first time I did it, um,

this guy, you know, he had his, like,
eyes closed the whole time.

So, you know me,
I thought he was narcoleptic.

I was fine with it.
"He about to sleep at the show.

We already got the ticket."
You know what I'm saying? Like…

Then at some point in the show,
I turned around.

And his eyes was open.
And so I was like, "Well, hey!"

And I was like,
"What… do you have a condition?"

And he said, "No."
I said, "Why… Are you sleepy?

Did you have a long day?"
He was like, "No, no, it's just…

I can't look at no other woman's butt."

I was like… I had to check with…
he was with a woman.

I was like, "What did you do to him?"

And, you know, I do get,
you know what I'm saying,

some, you know,
some butts are distracting.

I'm sure nobody back here is distracted.

If anything y'all might be more distracted
by my hair separating from my tracks. Um…

[laughs] She didn't know!
Yes, she did! Okay!

So what happened was, um…
it's real hot in here.

[cheering, applause]

I felt like I should say it.

I know. It's one lovely woman in here…
too distracted.

At the end of the show, she…
"I couldn't hear the jokes. It was like…

the hair. It's like, it's…
Come on. Like, this is your taping.

- Like, what…?"
- [audience laughing]

I want you to know, sis, I see you.

I hear you.

And we going to have fun regardless.
[laughs]

How long did it take to separate?

- Not long?
- [crowd murmuring]

Not long. It was like,
as soon as I came out, I was like…

"And Zainab…" Poof!

Like 30… 30 seconds?
Oh, 30 minutes. Okay. Okay.

[crowd murmuring, shouting]

Okay, okay. Now, hold on a second.
Hold on a sec. Hold on.

- Now, we doing too much.
- [clapping]

We have a criminal.

We got a criminal. Not a murderer.
But we do have a criminal.

Um, my brother loves jail.
He loved it. He loves it. Um…

He didn't tell me he loves it,
but he keeps going back. So…

I'm like, "He gave jail five stars
on Yelp. He loves it. He loves it."

He loves it. And I don't like,
you know, poke fun easily.

You know, like, I do believe that our
justice system is extremely unjust.

[applause]

I know that there are people
who look like me and my brother

who are in jail today
that should not be there.

- I know that.
- [applause]

- However…
- [soft chuckling]

- …whatever they said my brother did…
- [abrupts laughter]

…he did. [laughs]
We all got that brother.

When they bring you the news,
it be like, "So, you know, your brother…

You want to sit down?"
"No, no.

I've sat enough. Give it to me."

I testified for him once.

Yeah, when I was in college,
I testified for him

'cause sometimes you just feel like,

"Oh, man, I need to just help. Like,
they need to get repurposed, you know?"

And so I took the stand happily
for my brother.

And when I took the stand,
I found something I never knew.

The bailiff was like, because I'm Muslim,

I don't have to swear on a Bible.
I had no idea.

All the episodes of Law and Order I
watched, I ain't never seen that episode,

you know? So I thought I misheard him.

"You're not gonna bring out the Bible?"
He's like, "No. For other faiths,

we bring out a different book
and you can affirm."

I was like, "Wow, that is amazing.
Like, that inclusion? Thank you so much."

I was like, "But you could bring out
any book you want.

I don't plan on telling the truth anyway."

[abrupt laughter, applause]

"But thank you. Thank you so much. Uh…
Yeah, I'm here to say what I practice."

"Matter of fact, since I'm a be lying,
go ahead, bring out the Bible."

[chuckles]

You know what we don't have?
We don't have a gay kid.

- [crowd murmuring]
- Yeah, I know.

We don't have a gay kid. See? You just
said, "Not in a Muslim family," right?

I don't think about it religiously.
I don't think about it politically.

I don't think about it socially. Right?
I just look at it as like a numbers thing.

If it's about the numbers,
we got the numbers.

If you Google it right now, statistically,
one in every five Americans is gay.

One in every five. Do the math, 13.
We should have two, right?

We should have two and a half.
We should have two and a bisexual. Right?

We should have two and a Q right now.

We don't know who it is.

We don't know who it is.
And we're anticipating every time

a closet door open, we like…

"Oh, you was just getting
a coat, my bad. My bad."

We don't know.
You know, I have I have my speculation.

At first, you know, I definitely went
the stereotypical route.

I thought it was my criminal brother.
Right? Yeah, right.

All the Black people like,
"Yeah, girl. What?"

I thought it was him, but no, no, no.

It turns out he's not gay.
He's just a criminal. So…

I thought it was my engineer brother.

I thought it was my engineer brother
for a few reasons,

but the main reason
is 'cause he's the coolest person I know.

He the coolest person I know.
Unafraid to be him, unapologetically.

And I'm like, if it's anybody…

…that could do is him, right?

Also, he came home from school one day
when he was like six, seven years old.

There was a bag on the ground.
He was like, "I'm a vegan!"

Out of nowhere.
We were like, "All right. Makes sense.

He giving up meat now
so he can have all the meat later."

[laughing, clapping]

I wish there was a tight shot
on you like, "Well?

- [laughs] What type of meat was it?"
- [audience laughs]

So my brother had this journal, right?

And I kept all my secrets in the journal,
so I figured he did the same thing.

And, you know, in a house of 15 people,
a journal ain't safe.

Oh, they were so disrespectful.

They read my journal, made notes,
corrected my grammar.

[audience laughs]

Was writing… like, "You've been talking
about him for two years. Let it go."

[laughs]

"Let it go."
So I'm like… all right.

You know, my brother, take his journal,

you know, look for the information,
friendly, invite him out the closet.

Let him know that it's okay.
You know? Let him know.

You know?

I had his journal, but I didn't want
to completely violate his privacy.

I ain't trying to know everything,
that ain't for me.

So I'm just skimming. Keyword,
dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig.

Just in case he conservative,
ping, ping, ping.

It turns out my brother's in love with
this girl. I know. I was pissed.

I was so pissed. I went and confronted him
with the journal I stole.

Told on myself.
I was like, "What is this?"

He's like, "Zainab, you read my journal?"
I was like, "You're not gay.

- [audience laughs]
- You have a journal."

[laughs] I love that joke.

[exhales] I know
I'm not supposed to say that.

'Cause I'm not supposed
to stop mid-set and be like,

"I love how brilliant I am."

[cheering, applause]

But I love that joke because
of the story I'm about to tell you.

So I wrote that joke specifically
for a late night set.

I wrote that joke, um,

and it was my closing joke
for my first late night set.

And I practiced it. I don't know
if you guys know how late night works,

but you got to run it
over and over and over.

So it feels like second nature to you.

You know? They, you know,
vigorously go through your set

to see what you can say,
cut out what you can't say.

And so when I finally got it down
to, like, the approved set,

I'm running it, running it, running it.
Now it comes to the taping day, right?

And my brother, who the joke is about,
came to the taping.

But he's never heard the joke.

So it doesn't hit me until we're riding up
the elevator at 30 Rockefeller Center.

And I'm like, "Oh, shoot.
I'm about to tell all of America…

that we think he the gay one.

And he don't know."

So I nervously…

…look at my brother because, like,
I ain't changing a joke. That's…

That's my closing joke.
You know what I'm saying?

I practiced it. I'm not changing it.

And I'm thinking
as we run up the elevator, like,

do I tell him now and see what he says?
Prepare him?

Or do I do it and say sorry later?

Right? And so I'm like,
let me prepare him just in case, you know?

Give him an opportunity to leave
if he wants to.

And so I was like… [sighs]

"Hey."

He's like, "What's up? What's up?"

I was like… [sighs]

"I'm about to tell a joke…

…about you."

I wish at the time I knew
how to do a baby voice,

I would have been like, "So…"

I would have been like,
[baby voice] "So here's the thing…

I do comedy and…"

He'd have been like, "You good."

I was like,
"I'm about to tell a joke about you."

He said, "For real?" I was like, "Yeah."
He was like…

…"Is it when you thought I was gay
so you stole my journal?"

I was like, "Yes."

He was like, "Yeah, it's a true story.
Just tell it."

Told the joke.
Joke went amazing.

The joke went amazing on that taping.

So amazing that everybody
in the studio audience

went to my brother after the show.

Not just the audience, the producers,
the camera people, the sound guys.

"Are you the gay one?

Is it true? Is it true?
Are you the gay one?"

They asking my brother
about the journal, tapping his pocket.

I'm like, I don't know what he's
going to do at the height of them like,

"Where's your journal? Where is it?"
My brother goes, "I have many journals."

I was like,
"He's the coolest person I know."

I wish I was the gay kid.

Purely shallow reasons.
Simply for my career.

I'm not supposed to say that,
but that's a reality.

Straight white guys… fucking up.

Hollywood is like,
"Oh, shoot. What do we do? Diversity."

Diversity…
They don't even care what it's about.

"Oh, it's the albino-trans-little-person?
Give them a shot."

"But what's it about?"
"It don't matter." Like…

Inclusion.

I got three strong ones.

- I'm Black.
- [cheering]

- I'm a woman.
- [cheering]

- I'm Muslim.
- [cheering]

That's a diversity trifecta.
If I could add gay to my resume…

Oh, my God. If I were gay,
this wouldn't be a comedy show.

This would be a TED Talk.

If I were gay… [sighs]

- If I were gay and disabled…
- [audience chuckles]

[laughs]

She was like, "The money!
Get the money!" [laughs]

You guys understand the power…
I know, I know. It sounds like, hold up.

I've seen a few of you guys
draw the line, like, no, you know.

Hold on.
Just hear me out, though.

Black woman, Muslim, gay, disabled.

- That's the infinity glove of diversity.
- [laughing]

I snap my finger and take NBC.
"Move out the way, Lorne."

It's Zainab.

I don't know what this dance is.
But I'll be doing it on the network.

I don't know, I'm not going
to have 13 kids. That's a lot.

When I do have kids, though,
I'll be different than my parents.

My parents are very strict.
Never let us have candy, you know?

Yeah, you gotta give a kid candy.
You gotta give a kid candy.

Kidnapper's been using candy…

…since the beginning of time
to lure kids away from their families.

You got to arm your kid against the enemy.

You gotta give your kids candy.

I'm a give my kid candy.
Lollipop morning, noon, night.

Lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop.

That way my kids walking down the street,

kidnapper hops out of his van,
"Hey, kid, want a lollipop?"

My kid is going to be like,
"I've had nine today, mister. Do better."

Now, my kid is safe
and the kidnapper is insecure.

The kidnapper feel like they just got
turned down by a hot chick.

Like, "You wasn't adorable anyway.

I seen cuter kids."

Worst-case scenario
if I give my kid candy,

if I give my kid…
if I overfeed my kids candy.

Worst-case scenario, my kid is obese.
Worst case my kid is obese.

Ain't nobody kidnapping an obese child.

They not. They've tried.
Fat kids are cute.

But it's a heavy load.

They try, "Come here, kid! [groans]
Come on, kid!

Come get your tasty treat! Come on, kid!"

And they realize it's a task
they can't handle.

So they leave the kid there.

Now, the kid's just in the street. Like,
"Kid, what you doing in the street?"

"The kidnapper left me."

"But you safe."

My parents used to say, uh…

My father specifically
used to tell me whenever I go out,

never take the same way back.

Yeah. So I was finding alternate routes
since I was a kid.

Alternate routes. You know?

One day, there was only one way there,
one way back.

So I'm fucking running in a zigzag.

I'm like, "I hope the killer get dizzy
before they catch me."

My father used to say,
"Zainab, make a beeline home."

Beeline home.
Now, I didn't know what that meant.

So I'm… I'm walking in a B.

I know my house that way. I know it.
But I'm like, "No, I'm a make a B."

Gave me a riddle. Know what I'm saying?
I'm just in a street, lost. For hours.

Trying to figure it out. Just walking
in lowercase Bs, uppercase Bs.

Ran into a fat kid.
"What are you doing out here?

Oh, the kidnapper left you?
Okay. Well, at least you're safe."

Years later, I Googled it.
And bees go straight back to the hive.

Why…

…didn't my ever-loving father…

…my wonderful Abu, why…

…didn't he just say,
"Baby, come straight home"?

Another thing he used to say is,
"Zainab, stay out the projects."

We all in New York City,
we know what the projects are. All right.

A few people like, "What?"

The only area in the city that
has not been gentrified.

Y'all don't get that either. Okay. Uh…

It's two New Yorkers in here like,
"Yes, it has."

Here's the thing. I ain't
pay attention to the projects.

I didn't know they was there
until he brought it to my attention.

I'm like, "Oh, I ain't
even know they was there."

Then I start looking at the projects.
I'm like,

The projects got basketball courts.

The Icee lady go there first.

Everybody got cornrows and jewelry.
My God, I love the projects."

First time I went to the store by myself,
I was like seven years old.

Yeah, seven, in Harlem, you know.
And not this Harlem.

Not this fun Harlem.
This Harlem with a Whole Foods.

Everybody jogging.

Cute little dogs.
Harlem, where we only had pit bulls.

New Jack City Harlem.

Sit your $5 ass down
before I make change Harlem.

- [applause]
- Crack addicted Harlem.

Not so safe Harlem.

All the white people get off the train
at 96th Street… Harlem.

[laughs] Somebody Black said,
"The good old days."

It's okay, white man. Just take it.
Take it to the chest. [laughs]

But I appreciate you
being here for my show tonight.

So when they sent me to the store
at seven years old by myself,

I was like, "This ghetto.
This is ghetto."

But then I watched this show on Netflix
where they sending little Japanese kids

to the store by themselves
at two years old.

I was watching the show.
I was like,

"Oh, shoot, we wasn't ghetto.
We was Japanese."

I didn't know.
We just didn't have the footage.

I was walking to the store.
This guy stopped me.

"Kid, what you… where you going?
Where's your parents?"

I'm like, "I'm going to the store."

He like,
"You can't go to the store by yourself."

I'm like, "No, no. I'm gonna take a
alternate route, make a beeline. I'm good.

I got this."

You know what, too, like as a kid,
you don't have any idea,

like, how grown an older person is.
Know what I'm saying?

Like, we have no concept
of age as kids, you know?

And so as this guy was talking to me,
like, inquiring about,

like, my whereabouts and my parents,
I have no idea

that, like, I don't know if that was
like Trey Songz or Morgan Freeman.

Like, I have no idea.

Know what I'm saying? I have no idea.

The only thing… the only thing
that I know for an absolute fact

is that he was not also seven years old.

That's the only thing I know.
But he was concerned.

He was like,
"You can't go to the store by yourself."

I'm like, "I'm going to the store."

He was like, "I'm going to walk you
to the store and I'll give you $5."

- I was like…
- [audience laughs]

I ain't never had $5.

I start thinking about all the candy
I'm gonna buy with the $5.

I'm like, "Oh, I'm a get Twizzlers.
I'm a get a Snicker.

I'm a get a Charleston Chew."

Right? "I'm a get Now and Laters."

I was excited. As I'm thinking about
all the candy I'm a get, he says,

- "And I'm a buy you candy."
- [audience groans]

Listen. I… I thought it was my lucky day.

You know, sometimes you just
decide you special.

I was like, "You know what,
Mr. Songz Freeman? Thank you.

I didn't know what I deserved
until this very moment.

So thank you so much, sir."

Me and Trey Songz Morgan Freeman,
we walking to the store.

We talk about all the candy, he telling
me like, good hiding places, you know.

Yeah. Like, you know,
you put a Snicker behind the toilet

'cause there's a draft in the bathroom,
it's not going to melt.

I know. Right?

He start telling me
about the Jawbreakers, like

I knew about the small Jawbreaker, but I
didn't know about the big Jawbreakers.

And so he's like, "Yeah,
you get a big Jawbreaker.

Then this day could last forever."
You know, I was like, "Oh, my God."

I'm so deep in the fantasy
about this candy.

I don't realize we've climbed 25 flights
of steps to the top of a project building.

- [audience groans]
- Now we're on the roof.

- I'm like, "This ain't the candy store."
- [stifled laughter]

- He pulled his dick out.
- [gasping, groaning]

Oh, you didn't see the dick coming?

[Zainab laughs hysterically]

She is stressed.

Listen, if you feel this way today,
imagine how I felt.

I was pissed. I was like…

First of all, where's the $5
and the candy?

[laughter, applause]

Right?
Today I would break up with a guy quick.

I'm like, "You trying to show me
your dick and not keep promises?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I learned my lesson when I was seven.
No, no, no."

But I get it. I get the… [gasps]
The shock, the gasp.

Because an unsolicited dick is scary.

It scare… it'll ruin your day.

A unsolicited dick… And it's
the only body part with that power.

Oh, a titty come out, it's a party.

A titty, come out, you like, "Hey!"

You ain't even got to like titty.
You be like, "Yay!"

Why go right to you?
He's like, "It's absolutely true."

It don't matter where you at in the day.

It could be on line at the bank
on a Wednesday afternoon.

Titty come out, you're like,
"Oh, give me some more money!"

At the very least, a titty come out,
you know somebody getting fed.

But a unsolicited dick… [shudders] Oh!

Scarier than a gun.

I know that sounds drastic.
Scarier than a gun.

Gun come out,
you know you either gonna live or die.

Unsolicited dick,
you don't know what the plans are.

Confusion and fear.

- It looked sick too.
- [audience groans]

Yeah. Sorry.
I want you all to know exactly what I saw.

And I was seven,
so I never saw a dick before.

Never saw a dick in a magazine, on TV.
Never saw dick.

Somethin' about a sick dick,
you know it when you see it.

And the moment where I should have
been concerned with my safety,

I was concerned with his health.

I looked at, I said,
"Mister, you gotta see a doctor."

I start looking for my sister. I'm like,
"We need a medical professional."

[raucous applause, laughter]

If, uh…
If you are concerned…

Like, what happened?

Nothing.

- Nothing happened to me.
- [applause]

I took off running.

I took off running.
Saw that sick dick…

I told him, "You need a doctor."
You what I'm saying?

They going to want to know
why your dick is out, but that's on you.

Took off straight down
25 flights of concrete steps.

- Didn't fall once.
- [cheering]

Yeah. Made it so I couldn't
really watch horror movies growing up

'cause every time the girl fell, I'm like,
"Well, that don't need to happen."

"My seven-year-old legs made it.
You a cheerleader, right?

You got this."

Ran down three blocks to get home.

I was so happy when I got in my house,
breathing heavy.

[panting]
Never told my parents.

Never told my parents.

I figured if I told my parents that
I was on a roof of a project building,

I'd have to tell them
every moment in the story

that I didn't follow
the directions they gave me.

And as a kid, as a seven-year-old,

you don't know that pedophilia
trumps disobeying your parents.

So I just kept it.
Till one day, like, a year ago,

my friend was like… I don't know
what we was talking about.

I was like, "Yeah, girl.
Like the time I got kidnapped?"

She never… she's also a comedian. She
never says, "Do you say that on stage?"

She… she… I won't say who she is.
She put her blunt down…

…and said, "Do you say this on stage?"

I started telling the story on stage,
but I don't have…

I don't have, like, a out.

I don't have a funny way
to get out of that, you know?

I… I will admit

I could not write something funny enough
to trump that. I've tried.

I was like, I focus on the positive a lot.
What was positive that day?

I'm like, well,
I did get in a lot of cardio.

But it's a false equivalency, right?
You still don't feel better. Yeah.

So I've decided to just leave it.

Because that's what happens in life.

Things that aren't ideal happen
to us all the time.

And when we survive them,
we gotta keep living.

And so I'm like,
I'll just keep doing material after.

I waited about, what, maybe 35, 40 minutes
before I told you guys that story.

Every joke that I told,

I was deciding in my mind,
"Can they handle the kidnapping?"

- We made it. Look.
- [applause, cheering]

But the first time I told the story
was in DC.

At a comedy club.
I did not wait 35 minutes.

I got right on stage.
"What's going on, DC?

So a Snicker a day will keep
a pedophile away.

You got to give your kids candy."

Didn't warm them up.
Didn't lube them up. Nothing.

Just…

But like I said, just left it there,
and did 40 more minutes of funny material,

hoping that they just forget
that it happened, right?

Show was amazing.

The show was amazing,
especially to start with a pedophile dick.

It was great.

It wasn't till I was about to say,
"Good night. Thank you. I'm Zainab."

That I see this guy sitting in the front
row holding himself… [gasps] distraught.

- Sort of like you.
- [audience chuckles]

I'm concerned.
I didn't see him before that moment,

but he's been in the front row
the entire time.

And so I go, "Sir, are you okay?"
He says, "No."

I said, "What's wrong?"

He said, "I gotta know."
I said, "What you gotta know?"

He's like, "Did you ever get the $5?"

[abrupt laughter]

I said, "You've been holding
on to that for 60 minutes?"

He was like, "Yeah,
if you got the $5 and invested it,

it would have been a good story."

And I'm like, "Yeah, that would have been
a better ending, right?"

If I was like, "I got the $5,
I invested it in Apple,

and now this is in fact a TED Talk."

But also, could you imagine
those bragging rights?

Could you imagine, like, "Oh, oh, you
didn't get the $5 from your pedophile?

Oh, girl. Oh, no, no, no, no.

What you do, it's extra,
know what I'm saying?

You get your money, baby. Like I…"

[laughs] Oh, you didn't get your money.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

"I don't leave an uncomfortable
situation without it. Yeah.

I got my money.

This house, this car. Yeah.
$5 from my pedophile. Yeah. You know?"

Can't imagine bragging about that,
being proud of that.

That was a dignified sitting.

When I first started comedy…

…I really wanted to be good.

I really wanted to be a good comedian.

Like, really want to,
that's still present tense. Um…

More than I wanted to be good at anything
that I had ever done before in my life,

I wanted to be a good comic.
And so I worked.

I got on stage, I went to open mics
four nights a week in LA.

Every single night, went to open mics.
And open mics aren't like a comedy club

where, like, the opening act
is like, just okay.

An open mic is like, they don't want you
to.. they there to smoke hookah.

And you like, "Why y'all not laughing?"
They like, "Why are you here?"

You know, you like…

They're tough.

In the moment in your career
when you have the least amount of money,

they charge you to do it.
But I still, I found a way to pay $5…

a few times a night,
a coffee I don't want.

Just to do three minutes

in front of an audience
that could give a fuck.

After like a year,
my good, my great friend,

Wil Sylvince, who you guys saw earlier…

Wil called me and said, "Zab."
Even Wil don't pronounce my name right.

I was like, "Who is Zab?

So you're just going to take
all the letters out the middle? Okay.

Okay."
I asked him one day. I was like,

"Why you calling me Zab?" He was like,
"'Cause you knock nigga's out."

I was like…
"Uh, I'll take it. Okay."

I'll take it, I'll take it.

He said, "Yo, Zab, I'm working
with Shawn and Marlon Wayans."

I was like, "Oh, that's great.
Congratulations." And he was like,

"Come do the show, come do five minutes
on the show." I was like,

"Aw, shoot. They want me to do they show?"

He's like, "Nah,
they don't know who you are."

I was like, "Okay, I must have missed
something. Catch me up, right?"

And he was like, "No, I'm working
with them, you know, you got to come

and introduce yourself,
you know, get on stage, like,

we gonna see if they can
give you five minutes.

You gotta get in front of people.
People gotta see you.

You getting good, people gotta see you."

And I'm like,
"All right, where's the show?"

And he's like, "Sacramento."

I was like, "I'm in LA"

He was like, "Just get in your car.
You got a car? Drive."

And I was like, "Yeah, I got the car.
It's the gas money I'm worried about."

Wil was like, "No, no, no, no, no.
Zainab, I'm telling you,

do you have spots tonight?"
I was like, "I don't have any.

Ain't no open mics open tonight."

He was like, "Just get in your car
and try, try."

And I'm like, "How do you try
to drive somewhere?"

That's a thing that you either
do or you don't, right?

What, I was going to make it all the way,
40 miles out and be like…

"Can they hear me from the freeway?"

[Zainab chuckles]

Wil believed in me so strongly.

He believed in me so strongly,
I had no choice but to believe in myself.

So I got in my car.
I drove six hours straight to Sacramento…

to ask Shawn and Marlon Wayans

if I could possibly do five minutes
on their show.

I get there, I'm excited,
you know, in the car.

I was practicing, trying to
figure out how to best approach.

We look alike.

[laughs]

You know, I was gonna hit them
with the, [sings] ♪ We're brothers ♪

[chuckles]
[continues The Wayans Bros theme song]

♪ We're happy and
we're singing and we're… ♪

- ♪ - Gimme a high five ♪♪
- [audience finishes theme song, cheering]

Got there. I was like,
"What did they say, Wil?"

He was like,
"Oh, nah, I ain't ask. You ask."

[audience groans, laughs]

[Zainab sighs, laughs]

I go to Shawn and Marlon, uh,
and they allowed me to do five minutes.

They allowed me to do five minutes
at the beginning of their show

in Sacramento, California
in front of thousands of people.

It went well.

- [cheering, applause]
- It went well.

And they paid me $100.

They paid me $100. They gave
it to me in a nice, crisp $100 bill.

And that was the first time
I ever got paid to do comedy.

[cheering]

I still have the $100.

I still have that $100 autographed

in a frame hanging on a wall in my office.

I look at that $100.
It's a marker for me, you know?

It's like, "Oh, well,
things have constantly progressed.

Look at that. I remember that.
I remember that day.

And look,
I haven't had to break the glass."

So I take that as a sign things
have been going good…

[cheering, applause]

…in the moments where
I'm discouraged, I'm frustrated.

I want to quit, I look at that $100
and I'm reminded that I've come this far.

Right next to the $100 is the $5
that the pedophile gave me.

[laughs] I'm Zainab, you guys,
thank you so much.

[cheering, applause]

- Thank you!
- [audience cheers, whistles]

I am like incredibly honored, uh,
to be taping it

in the neighborhood, the city,
specifically Harlem, where I grew up.

And Harlem Stage is a building
that I used to walk by

every day when I went to school,
and I never knew what was inside here.

Um, and tonight, I know it's me.
So thank you.

[cheering and applause subsides]