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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Oh, Lord...
2
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...if I ever meant anything to you...
3
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:32,156
...please let me fall asleep
before she thinks of sex.
4
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,635
Al...
5
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,148
You are a woman, aren't you?
6
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:47,318
Peg, we just did it last month.
7
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A man can't just roll over
and do it again.
8
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We have to rest in between.
9
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,674
Al, you can't wear
that cool V-neck T-shirt...
10
00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:03,433
...and those stained pyjama bottoms
and expect me not to want you.
11
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:08,396
They do show off the merchandise,
don't they.
12
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,550
Let's prepare ourselves.
13
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,515
Oh, Al, you're...
14
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,358
...done.
15
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,555
Thanks again, honey.
16
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,909
How you feeling, Peg?
17
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,590
I'm surprised you could make it
down those stairs this morning.
18
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,712
I know. I was pretty tired.
19
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:02,799
I hope that buzzing
didn't keep you awake last night.
20
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,313
Yeah, those damn bees.
21
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:14,913
You know, one must have stung you,
too, because I heard you scream.
22
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,516
You wanna do it again tonight?
23
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,756
Oh, Peg, I think if we do it again
too soon...
24
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,713
...it'll cheapen the experience.
25
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,229
Bask in the afterglow, baby.
26
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,476
Now, Peg, you're not glowing.
You don't have that...
27
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:36,434
...l've-been-satisfied-by-Al-Bundy look
on your face.
28
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,517
Maybe you should go
to your girlie doctor.
29
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,757
They say you should get checked out
every 50 years or so.
30
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:46,518
You know, put you up on the old rack,
check your belts and hoses.
31
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,112
Honey, there is nothing wrong
with my belts and hoses.
32
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,073
I just need to be taken out
and driven once in a while.
33
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,191
Well, that can't be a shot at me.
34
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,915
I'm Al "The Mailman" Bundy.
I deliver.
35
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:12,193
Yes, Al, but mailmen are slow.
And they deliver every day.
36
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,988
Yeah, but they don't always
have to go to the same house.
37
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,794
But seriously, Peg,
I mean, you weren't satisfied?
38
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,671
Well, let's put it this way:
I used to call you "the minuteman."
39
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,838
Now I long for those days.
40
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,237
But, you know,
Marcie was very comforting.
41
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,319
She said with you,
the sooner it's over, the better.
42
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,792
You told her?
43
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,479
Al, you...
44
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,069
You wanna throw around
the football?
45
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,756
There, are we done?
46
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,830
I think she might have told him.
47
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,389
Al, really, you shouldn't feel badly.
48
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,068
The reason you're so inept
in the bedroom...
49
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:04,396
...is because you've put
all of your energy...
50
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,717
...into your magnificent shoe career.
51
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,954
It's time someone spoke for Al.
52
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,591
Guess I was wrong.
53
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,633
Oh, Al's down.
54
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,274
I guess my work is done.
55
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,876
Well, let's leave
these two lovebirds alone.
56
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,197
They may wanna have sex
for a second.
57
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,589
Whoops, they're done.
58
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,431
Oh, relax, Al.
59
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,518
I'm sure she didn't tell anyone else.
60
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,876
Hey, Bundy, do me a favour.
61
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,310
Have sex with your wife 50 times.
62
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,954
We're cooking an egg.
63
00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:01,794
Darly, why don't you use the time it
takes your son to get out of his dress?
64
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,638
Hiya, boy. How you doing?
65
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:14,879
Well, let's just say you won't hear
my bitch complaining to her friends.
66
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,438
Good boy.
67
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,034
Daddy, do you remember
my boyfriend T-Bone?
68
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,999
No, but he sounds delicious.
69
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,756
Oh, I'll tell him you said so.
70
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:38,033
We were all down at the Harley shop,
and he got into a discussion...
71
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,869
...about whether there should be a limit
to presidential campaign contributions.
72
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,548
Which, of course,
led to a knife fight.
73
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,868
And you should be proud to know
that when kids fight...
74
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,117
...they say, " I'm gonna waste you
quicker than Al Bundy."
75
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,399
What really bothered me...
76
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,955
...was that I didn't know
about this politics stuff.
77
00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,991
Daddy, they called me stupid.
78
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,196
Am I stupid, Daddy?
79
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,118
Pumpkin...
80
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,070
Now, you see that tree out there?
81
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:13,554
Now, that tree grows and breathes,
just like you.
82
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,719
So, pumpkin, you're just as smart
as that tree.
83
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,952
Oh, you have to say that
because you're my father.
84
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,632
Hey, anybody on the street
would say that.
85
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,068
But now, pumpkin...
86
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,670
...if you want to impress
that psychopath that you're dating...
87
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,836
...here's what you should do:
88
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,235
Learn one thing really well.
89
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,317
Just pick some topic
that comes up often...
90
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,511
...among your friends
in conversation.
91
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,318
So politics or condoms?
92
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,595
Politics would be good.
93
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,195
You can start by learning
about all the presidents.
94
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,077
There's more than one?
95
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,231
Indeed.
96
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,477
So learn all about the presidents...
97
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,990
...and you'll fool your friends into
thinking you know other things too.
98
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,316
And you'll never have to impress
anybody again.
99
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,030
Thanks. I'm gonna go learn
about the presidents...
100
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,390
...quicker than Al Bundy.
101
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,157
Hi, honey.
102
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,673
You're gonna be so proud.
103
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,394
At the supermarket I heard
that they have changed...
104
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,636
...the 10-item-or-less express line...
105
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,149
...to the Al Bundy line.
106
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,235
Oh, honey, you look down.
107
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,273
Well, I got you a little present.
108
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,314
Aurora white...
109
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,512
...and a nice burrito.
110
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,190
Come on, Al, break them both open.
111
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,473
No.
112
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,193
My self-esteem, my sexuality...
113
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,631
...my whole manhood
has been taken from me.
114
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,197
I never want to go
to the bathroom again.
115
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:16,028
Well, maybe we can finally get
that curl out of the wallpaper.
116
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,074
And the birds will come back again.
117
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,552
Oh, honey,
this is really bothering you.
118
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,955
Well, I'm gonna fix it right now.
119
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:29,912
Okay.
120
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,679
Hello, Marcie.
121
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:40,953
Al and I just had a major sex-o-rama.
122
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:42,799
Yeah, Al Bundy.
123
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,030
He was magnificent.
124
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,232
Yes, Al Bundy.
125
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,512
Well, Marcie, l... I don't have
the strength to speak any longer.
126
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,392
But let's not tell anyone about this.
127
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,397
Except the girls
at the beauty parlour...
128
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,956
...because, you know,
we know we can trust them.
129
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,314
Al's got that look in his eye again.
130
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,279
Oh, no, Al.
131
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:11,752
Please have mercy. I... I...
132
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:24,309
Well, now you're a legend, baby.
133
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,273
- Feel better?
- No.
134
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,076
We know it's not true.
135
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,959
Come on, honey, have a burrito.
136
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,639
No.
137
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:39,636
Oh, come on, Al. It's off a truck.
138
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,957
- Well, maybe just one bite.
- Yeah.
139
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,317
Maybe just one roll.
140
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,956
Still hurting, though.
141
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,272
Wanna share some of that with me?
142
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:30,393
All right, honey. Now we are gonna
learn all about the presidents.
143
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:35,430
As a visual aid, we are gonna use
xeroxed copies of Daddy's money...
144
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,875
I have the originals.
145
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,390
- with pictures of our greatest
dead presidents on them.
146
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:46,354
Now, this is George Washington,
the father of our country.
147
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,828
I thought that was James Brown.
148
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,034
No, he's the Godfather of Soul.
149
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,238
I thought that was Don Corleone.
150
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,393
I think we've had enough
for one day.
151
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,636
Well, I still thirst for knowledge.
152
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:07,355
I'll go to the place that got me through
high school, the principal's house.
153
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,918
His door always was opened
for troubled girls.
154
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,588
Hey, Daddy, ask me
who's on the one-dollar bill.
155
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,392
Who's on the one-dollar bill?
156
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,278
George Jefferson.
157
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,036
So it was George Washington
that was married to Weezy?
158
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,870
Al, I was
at the beauty parlour today...
159
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,878
...and your name
is on everyone's lips.
160
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,038
Well, that and bonbon crumbs.
161
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,151
Everyone thinks you're a stud.
162
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,230
- But you don't.
- Sure, I do.
163
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:49,839
You do?
164
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,390
Okay, your relentless interrogation
has broken me.
165
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,352
I don't.
166
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,550
But either way, it doesn't matter.
167
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,070
Because you're mine and I love you.
168
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,629
Honey, I'm gonna go upstairs now
and take a shower.
169
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,230
My new nozzle, Jeffrey, just came in.
170
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,076
What happened to me?
171
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,157
I used to be good.
172
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,430
Everyone said I was good.
173
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,835
And girls don't lie.
174
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,956
Only women lie.
175
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,551
Maybe I should ask
some of my ex-girlfriends.
176
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,399
How desperate would I have to be
to have my ego boosted...
177
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,910
...by girls I slept with
and never called again?
178
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,152
Come on, Lois. So it's been 20 years
since I promised to call you.
179
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,476
I'm calling you now.
180
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:54,795
Now listen, this is a toll call
so let me get right to the point.
181
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,231
Remember that night in the back seat
of my old Dodge?
182
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,271
How was I?
183
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,989
I knew it.
184
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,711
"What kind of car am I driving now?"
I gotta go. Bye.
185
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,556
Yeah, can I speak to Marilyn Fisher?
186
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,433
Oh, she's Mrs. O'Brien now.
187
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,389
You're the husband. I see.
188
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,352
Well, could you do me a favour?
189
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:26,678
Yeah. My name's Al Bundy.
Could you ask her if she meant it...
190
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:30,111
...when she said she'd had them all,
but I was the best?
191
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,794
Oh, she's breast-feeding.
Hey, that...
192
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,560
That brings back memories.
193
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,553
So I was great.
194
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,671
The best!
195
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,789
Oh, come on, now.
You're making me blush.
196
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,911
Well, thank you,
Sister Mary Ignatius.
197
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,271
I knew I was good.
198
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,948
And if I was good once
I can be good again.
199
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,789
I'll just get back in shape
and show Peg I still got it.
200
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,990
Al, I'm gonna take a nap.
201
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,629
Yeah, rest up, baby.
202
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,750
And this time I may even kiss you.
203
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,715
Well, son, this is where
it all happens.
204
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:32,717
The Bundy gymnasium.
205
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,912
And until recently,
the place I came to cry.
206
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,675
But not today. Today we train.
207
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,110
Do a little bench press.
208
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,311
Do about 30 reps.
209
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,351
Count for me, son.
210
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,872
One.
211
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,552
Take the weight, son.
212
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:09,348
- What?
- Take the weight.
213
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,795
- Got it?
- Yeah.
214
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,238
Mommy!
215
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,710
- Get it off me! Get it off me!
- Okay.
216
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,151
I'm gonna... I'm gonna roll it, Dad.
I'm gonna roll it.
217
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,835
Not that way!
218
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,438
Other way.
219
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,278
Mommy!
220
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,397
How many was that?
221
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,598
One, Dad.
222
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,074
All right. Well...
223
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:53,317
...that's enough weightlifting.
Don't wanna get too bulked up.
224
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,676
Supple strength is what I need.
225
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,632
- We'll go hit the heavy bag.
- All right.
226
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,718
- I used to box in the Golden Gloves.
- Really, Dad?
227
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,757
Son, don't you think
if I actually had...
228
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,997
...l'd have told you about it
100,000 times by now?
229
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,713
All right.
230
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,718
You gonna be okay, Dad?
231
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:29,797
Maybe.
232
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,708
Well, I hope so, because...
233
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,480
...it's a long way to get
a neighbour to give mouth-to-mouth.
234
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,473
You know, son...
235
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,671
...this has taught me
a valuable lesson.
236
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,313
I'm plenty strong enough...
237
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,351
...but it's endurance that I need.
238
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:43,993
Come, boy!
239
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,633
I'm going to run.
240
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:49,879
I need motivation. Show me the picture
of Grandma in her string bikini, please.
241
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,232
Come on, Dad. Come on.
242
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,715
Just two more steps.
243
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,272
Thanks for helping,
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy.
244
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,677
We wouldn't have helped,
but he passed out on our lawn.
245
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:15,590
And I would have left him for compost,
but the flies started gathering.
246
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:29,149
It's our little squirrel friend, Zippy.
247
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,070
Well, it doesn't look like Zippy.
248
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,473
Well, you have to imagine him...
249
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,797
...with blood, bones,
and internal organs.
250
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,070
Squirrel killer.
251
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,350
Get him, Zippy.
252
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,479
Okay, come on. Marcie.
253
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,956
Marcie, come on.
Come on, let's go, honey.
254
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,709
I'll give Zippy a nice burial.
255
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,114
Cheer up, Dad.
So you killed a squirrel.
256
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:13,596
If it wasn't you it would have been
some cook at a Chinese restaurant.
257
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,549
Oh, Daddy, I'm glad you're alone.
258
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,318
Listen, I have great news.
259
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,994
You found your underwear
in the park?
260
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,634
No, but if I'm ever looking for it
I know you're wearing it.
261
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,310
Anyway, Daddy,
your advice worked out.
262
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,910
We were at the biker bar and everyone
started talking about what happens...
263
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:42,476
...when no presidential candidate
has a clear majority of electoral votes.
264
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,831
And I said that the last time
this happened was in 1824.
265
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,998
The House decided the election
and John Quincy Adams won.
266
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,875
Daddy, I wowed them.
Now everybody thinks I'm a genie.
267
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,193
Oh, thank you, Daddy. Now I know
I can overcome any obstacle.
268
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,038
I love you.
269
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,117
Where you going, Dad?
270
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,399
To the basement.
271
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,598
You gonna cry, Dad?
272
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,471
Yeah, I am.
273
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,270
But then I'm going to train.
274
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,995
Because if my little girl
can train herself to hold a thought...
275
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,597
...I can train myself to hold my wife.
276
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,113
Let's see what you got, punk.
277
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:49,156
Oh, Al!
278
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,798
Oh, Al!
279
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,111
Oh, Al!
280
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,714
And to all a good night.
20934
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