Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,831
It's Friday, Friday, Friday, on NBC.
2
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:21,917
By the way, we're for sale.
3
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,594
So come on, folks,
dial the number on your screen.
4
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,155
Then press "one"
to buy the evening news.
5
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,351
Press "two"
for the entertainment division.
6
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,438
Press "three" for actual,
live TV executives...
7
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,710
...who will talk to you
about your fantasies.
8
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,590
Hello. I was wondering...
9
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,313
...if I buy the news division...
10
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:51,195
...do I get to use Tom Brokaw
any way I want to?
11
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,630
Bryant Gumbel?
12
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,151
You can keep him.
13
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,510
God, for once
I'm actually glad to be home.
14
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,393
A customer
comes in the store today...
15
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,636
Tall, willowy brunette.
16
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,709
Sits down, says she'd like
to try on a pair of size-12 pumps.
17
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,635
So I'm down there, you know,
just doing my job...
18
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,157
...and notice she's wearing
a garter belt, like I like.
19
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,118
And a nice pair of silk stockings.
20
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,193
All the time, she's smiling at me.
21
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,628
All of a sudden...
22
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,469
...she uncrosses her legs,
like in Basic Instinct.
23
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:58,959
You saw it all?
24
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:01,792
Yes.
25
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,510
It was a guy!
26
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,591
Oh, Peg. I tell you...
27
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,314
Does this mean
that I'm...? That I'm...?
28
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,471
Gay, Al?
29
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,470
No, Peg. Just because
I was vaguely excited...
30
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:22,753
...touching a man's calf
and I don't want to sleep with you, no.
31
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,758
I have no doubts about my sexuality.
32
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,871
No, what I was wondering was...
33
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,197
...am I too sexy
for my own good, Peg?
34
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,749
Now, I mean, I don't wanna
turn on men...
35
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,235
...so I come to the expert.
36
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,278
Peg, how do you
make them not want you?
37
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,433
Well, apparently you marry them.
38
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:51,357
Oh, come on, honey,
it's Friday night. Let's go out.
39
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:52,788
I hear there's a revival...
40
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,992
...of The Sound of Music
playing downtown.
41
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,671
I'm not gay.
42
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,270
Come on, honey.
Get that toe a-tapping.
43
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,311
I'm not gay!
44
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,356
God, what a day at the diner.
45
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,869
Damn vegetarians.
46
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,628
They're so damn picky.
47
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,877
I mean, they find
one cat's claw in the chopped salad...
48
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,038
And the way they scream you'd think
it was his head or something.
49
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:43,199
What are they complaining about?
A cat's practically a vegetable anyway.
50
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,509
And if that wasn't enough,
this transvestite comes in.
51
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,188
A really obvious one.
52
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:55,677
I mean, you could spot him
from a mile off. Those huge calves.
53
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:57,874
Like anyone wouldn't notice.
54
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:04,357
He wanted some shoes,
so I sent him over to your store.
55
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,638
I thought you could
use a good laugh, you know.
56
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,471
Honey, you're hurting
Daddy's feelings.
57
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,274
He was attracted to that man.
58
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:18,874
That wasn't my transvestite.
59
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,469
Mine was a good-looking man...
60
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,000
...and smelled vaguely of hyacinth.
61
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,358
You two can be so cruel sometimes.
62
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,956
I'm not gay!
63
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,837
Daddy's gay?
64
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,518
Yes, honey.
65
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,870
I'm bored. What say the three of us
go down to the male strip club...
66
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,958
...and we can watch Daddy
fight for the guys.
67
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,277
Oh, not tonight, Mom.
I'm too tired to go out.
68
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,913
Well, how could you be tired?
69
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,554
I've been sleeping all day.
70
00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,957
How could she
understand what it's like...
71
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,152
...to live off the sweat of our bras?
- Yeah.
72
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:08,554
Yeah, or bending down all day long,
looking up men's dresses.
73
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,199
I want somebody to go out with me.
74
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,628
Well, why don't you ask Bud?
75
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,230
Something's gotta prepare him for
a lifetime of going out with his mother.
76
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,833
I mean, who taught Liberace?
77
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,075
Ask your father,
I'm sure he knows all about it.
78
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,394
I am not gay.
Would a gay man dress like this?
79
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,717
Or endure one moment
in a house this colour?
80
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:58,157
Excuse me, family,
while I say good night to my date.
81
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,715
Lulu, one for the road.
82
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,916
Good things do come
in small packages.
83
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,876
Well, then you should
have him turn around.
84
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,790
I almost forgot.
85
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,677
Yup.
86
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,913
Did you hear the news?
87
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,078
They discovered a bright, new,
shiny star in the heavens...
88
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,475
...and I do believe it's me.
89
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,312
I hit upon a grand scheme:
90
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,398
I volunteered as a nude model
for an all-girls art class.
91
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,758
Did you have to move around so that
they could do all seven dwarfs naked?
92
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,795
I'll talk to you when I need
a Coke and fries.
93
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,195
But when a girl wants
to draw a nude in positions...
94
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,278
...far too embarrassing for a guy
who cares what people think...
95
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,870
...well, that's when they
come to "Buff" Bundy:
96
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:23,914
Buttocks for Hire.
97
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,551
- Anything you wanna say to me, Dad?
- Actually, son, I wanna know...
98
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,354
...are you sure that was a girl?
Because...
99
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,555
...just because it looks like a girl
doesn't necessarily mean that it is one.
100
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,396
Dad, did you get lost
and go to the wrong nudie bar again?
101
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,716
How was I supposed to know what
that song "Macho Man" really meant?
102
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,911
Had a good beat,
everybody was dancing.
103
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,475
I thought all the girls
were in the restroom.
104
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,433
You know how girls
go together and everything.
105
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:00,993
Yeah. Sure, Dad.
106
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,236
You see, what matters here is...
107
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,149
...l'm finally peaking
while you're creaking.
108
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,797
Two old people on the couch.
109
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,877
Oh, sorry, Kel.
Make that three old people.
110
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,153
Come on, everyone, say, "Clapper."
111
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:30,839
That is just ridiculous.
112
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,076
I am not getting old.
113
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,312
There's something
terribly wrong here.
114
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,556
My brother's cooler than me.
115
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,115
My aged mother's cooler than me.
116
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,198
Even my new, gay daddy
is cooler than me.
117
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,235
It was just a harmless
calf caress, that's all it was.
118
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,796
Mom, give Dad a wine spritzer.
119
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,228
I'm in a crisis.
120
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,238
I've gotta do something wild.
Something out of control.
121
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,317
Something that reaffirms my youth.
122
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,069
I am gonna fight this
with every breast in my body.
123
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,557
Here we go, son.
124
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,119
Saturday afternoon,
working on the car.
125
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,794
Just like when you
were a kid, eh, son?
126
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:16,354
Sure is, Dad.
127
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,028
In fact, it's the same exact car.
128
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,197
You know, Bud, someday
this car is gonna be yours.
129
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,678
Thanks, Dad.
130
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,991
Please, please don't paint it, okay?
131
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,475
Yeah. It is cool.
132
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,996
These here are the sleekest,
sexiest lines...
133
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,555
...American engineers
could come up with.
134
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,752
Why just the name itself
bespeaks power and wealth:
135
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,832
"Dodge."
136
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,716
That about says it all. Check the oil.
137
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,234
Down a quart. Give me an O XY pad.
138
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,753
Yeah.
139
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,717
Gay, huh?
140
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,835
Let's see a gay guy do this.
141
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,197
Al, Kelly didn't go to work today.
142
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,470
Where could she be?
143
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,028
Look what I bought.
144
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,797
Kelly, you can't possibly
keep this motorcycle.
145
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,191
It is far too dangerous,
especially for you.
146
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:53,714
On a motorcycle, concepts like left,
right, and stop are more critical.
147
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,553
Well, I'm keeping my bike.
148
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,318
It's gonna keep me young.
149
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,516
Kel, it's not a time machine.
150
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:05,196
And it's not your body,
so keep your hands off it.
151
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,558
Honey, you have to get rid of it.
152
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,230
No one who loves you would want you
to endanger your life like this.
153
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,669
We saw the motorcycle.
154
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,269
We saw the motorcycle
and we rushed over.
155
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,708
Oh, Al.
156
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,832
We couldn't be happier
that you got one.
157
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,634
You know, there are a lot of myths
about motorcycles.
158
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,832
Like that "always wear
a helmet" thing.
159
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,077
But that's not for men like you.
160
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:40,319
Popping wheelies, going 90
the wrong way on the interstate...
161
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,677
...that's for cool
outlaw guys like you.
162
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,632
Ride like the wind, wild one.
163
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:50,630
Drive fast, drive often and drive
when you're really, really tired.
164
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,478
Marcie, it's not Al 's.
165
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,671
It's Kelly's.
166
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,032
Oh, God, get rid of it.
They're killers.
167
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,310
Give it to your father.
168
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,234
Ride like the wind, wild one.
169
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,950
I'm sorry, but I'm keeping my bike.
170
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,952
How could I take advice
from you people?
171
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,833
I mean, two of you are geeks
and two of you are my parents.
172
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,429
I'll let you decide who's who.
173
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,958
Well, maybe I can be of some help.
174
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,479
After all, Kelly...
175
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:23,151
...we both live under the rule
of older, dull, parental figures.
176
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,918
But sometimes
the fogies can be right.
177
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,317
Oh, I'm a living witness
to the real horror of the motorcycle.
178
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,397
Yeah. I had a bike once.
179
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,750
Oh, it seemed like fun.
180
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:39,033
But then, one day I was driving along
when suddenly it happened:
181
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:45,273
The wind whipped through my hair,
knotting it, splitting my ends.
182
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,748
It was chaos. I had to be airlifted
to a special hair clinic in Switzerland.
183
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,437
My head soaked in conditioner
for three solid weeks.
184
00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,868
But on the good side...
185
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,833
...I did get to share a room
with Don King.
186
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,912
Kelly, you are just doing this
as an act of rebellion.
187
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,111
You're feeling old, aren't you?
188
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,709
Well, what you need to find
are some grown-up ways...
189
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,070
...to have fun
and make life interesting.
190
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,874
For instance,
when I'm feeling a little down...
191
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,595
...to brighten my day,
I cut all my hair off.
192
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:28,549
Then I wait for it to grow back
so I can cut it all off again.
193
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,637
Cut, cut. Snip, snip.
194
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:34,879
Then I take all the hairs up off the floor
and make little animals.
195
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:40,508
Okay. As you can see,
we've got quite a life going.
196
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:50,156
Okay, Marcie, let's go renew
your prescription at the drugstore.
197
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,398
You think this will
make a nice reindeer?
198
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,676
Well, it's been more fun than I can
describe with my limited vocabulary...
199
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,472
...but I'm gonna ride my bike now.
200
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,713
Kelly, honey, you know...
201
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:11,469
...I rode a few motorcycles
when I was young.
202
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,717
I remember the wind, the speed...
203
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,990
...the vibration...
204
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,071
...the whirring.
205
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:29,676
Oh, God, if only they made
stationary motorcycles.
206
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,031
How can I make
you people understand?
207
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,596
I mean, having a motorcycle's
gonna open up new vistas for me.
208
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,313
Things you can't do in a car.
209
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,873
You can ride alone.
210
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,196
You can ride in a group
of other motorcycles.
211
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:45,359
You can ride alone, but go to the place
where the group rode their cycles.
212
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,949
You can go to this place
and talk about motorcycles...
213
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,515
...and then you can get back on
and go home.
214
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:54,595
Plus, I can't return it, because
I can't remember where I bought it.
215
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,358
You're the king, baby.
216
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,677
Dad, will you help me
crowbar Mommy off my bike?
217
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,070
I must heed the call
of the open road.
218
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,999
I must fly like the beagle.
219
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,748
I'm gonna eat my Trix on Route 66.
220
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:29,669
Oh, the freedom.
I can ride my bike anywhere, anytime.
221
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,552
Nothing is gonna keep me off of it.
222
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,795
Rain. Daddy, can I borrow the car?
223
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:39,953
Thank you.
224
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,118
Mom...
225
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:48,075
Hi, honey. I was just looking at it.
226
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,510
Upstairs, Al. Now.
227
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,196
How could I talk Kelly out of this?
228
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,396
She doesn't listen to me.
229
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,160
I don't blame her.
Nobody does. I'm an idiot.
230
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,471
But I'm not gay.
231
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,318
I'm sensitive.
232
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,955
Yeah, I should've bought a motorcycle.
233
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,788
And I never would have
worn a helmet.
234
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,393
I have a lot to fear
from cracking my skull.
235
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,633
It takes a lot of brain-tongue
coordination to babble, "Size 9."
236
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,236
But it would've been great.
237
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,910
Yeah, but I have all this.
238
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,514
So long, everybody!
239
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,274
Oh, my God! What have I done?
240
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,510
Oh, Daddy, you were right.
241
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,392
The bike is dangerous.
242
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,956
What if it was me?
I could've been hurt.
243
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,591
What, Daddy?
244
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,954
"I won one"?
245
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,510
Nine-one-one.
246
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,755
Here's your gruel, Daddy.
247
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,153
You know, I learned
a valuable lesson:
248
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,828
Motorcycles are far too dangerous.
249
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,473
You're much safer in a car.
250
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,070
I mean, I didn't even feel
any impact when I hit you.
251
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,517
Get this out of the way.
252
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,512
What, Daddy?
253
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,599
Oh, goody, now we're playing pirate.
254
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,551
Where be the gold?
255
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,873
Oh, you're the coolest, Daddy.
And you're so smart.
256
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,469
I mean, you knew that
the only way to convince...
257
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,875
...an impetuous youth like myself
was to show me.
258
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,308
And you did that.
259
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,988
I guess you do love me.
Oh, don't you, you big lug?
260
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,151
Dirty scum.
261
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:47,073
Mommy? She's out taking care
of what's left of my bike.
262
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,670
Come with Mommy.
263
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,595
The cold garage is no place for you.
264
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:01,070
When you're done with Daddy,
just put him in the garage.
265
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,831
Well, for once, everybody's happy.
266
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,235
I love you, Daddy.
20548
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
