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00:01:13,958 --> 00:01:17,166
Mickey, have a pee before you go!
In the toilet this time!
4
00:01:30,708 --> 00:01:34,583
- Don't sit on the back of the sofa.
- What? Whoa! Ow!
5
00:01:34,875 --> 00:01:36,541
Time to get a move on, OK?
6
00:01:37,416 --> 00:01:39,291
Scottish Granddad and his puppies
are waiting for us.
7
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:42,333
Let me take this, let me...
Oh! Jeez, what the...
8
00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:46,833
Oh, for f... What's that?
9
00:01:46,833 --> 00:01:47,833
That's Eric.
10
00:01:49,041 --> 00:01:50,041
- Eric?
- Yes.
11
00:01:50,041 --> 00:01:52,666
He wants to come
to Scotland with us, too.
12
00:01:52,666 --> 00:01:55,166
Thing is, Eric's a wee bit heavy, and...
13
00:01:55,166 --> 00:01:57,708
Hang on, there's a... What's this?
14
00:01:57,708 --> 00:02:02,958
- That's Norman.
- That's... half a breeze block.
15
00:02:02,958 --> 00:02:06,708
- How did you even pick that up?
- I can't sleep without Norman.
16
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:08,916
You sleep with... with this in your bed?
17
00:02:08,916 --> 00:02:12,833
No, that would be stupid!
He goes at the bottom of my bed
18
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,916
to make sure the bad ones
don't come in.
19
00:02:16,416 --> 00:02:20,125
- So there's bad stones and good stones?
- Yeah. Like in real life.
20
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:21,750
Sure.
21
00:02:25,666 --> 00:02:26,958
That's our car alarm!
22
00:02:26,958 --> 00:02:28,625
Oh, for God's sake!
23
00:02:31,208 --> 00:02:33,625
For Odin!
24
00:02:41,708 --> 00:02:44,625
Bloody thing.
25
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:47,625
Bugger off.
26
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:57,458
No, I'm sorry, darling,
we can't take Norman to Scotland.
27
00:02:57,458 --> 00:02:59,583
- Or Eric.
- Right, then I'm gonna hold my breath.
28
00:02:59,583 --> 00:03:03,208
No, no, no. Don't do that.
Jess, Jess. Jess, stop it. Jess. Jess.
29
00:03:04,875 --> 00:03:08,416
OK, they can come. Look?
Fine. See? They're coming, it's OK.
30
00:03:08,416 --> 00:03:10,458
Look, look, in they go, in the bag.
31
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,333
So her best friends are stones now?
32
00:03:13,333 --> 00:03:16,041
Not all of them.
Some of them are bricks.
33
00:03:16,125 --> 00:03:18,708
Well, have you, you know,
have you spoken to anyone about it?
34
00:03:18,708 --> 00:03:21,916
What, like a geologist?
Oh, this thing hates me.
35
00:03:21,916 --> 00:03:24,875
I'm just saying that...
obsessive collecting,
36
00:03:24,875 --> 00:03:27,791
it's rather abnormal behaviour
for a child to...
37
00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,791
She's behaving abnormally?
I wonder why.
38
00:03:29,791 --> 00:03:31,708
For Christ's sake, Abi, just get...
39
00:03:31,708 --> 00:03:34,250
- OK, sweetie?
- Everything all right?
40
00:03:34,791 --> 00:03:37,041
- I need a list.
- A list?
41
00:03:37,208 --> 00:03:41,041
Yeah, of the lies we're going to tell.
In case I forget one.
42
00:03:43,458 --> 00:03:46,791
- That is a clove hitch.
- It's just a list would be helpful.
43
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:51,041
- Has anyone seen my house keys?
- Oh, M25 slow moving between...
44
00:03:51,041 --> 00:03:52,875
- Keys, keys, keys.
...well, everywhere.
45
00:03:52,916 --> 00:03:54,666
It's just a list would be
really helpful.
46
00:03:54,666 --> 00:03:58,083
It's really very simple.
It's Granddad's 75th birthday party
47
00:03:58,083 --> 00:04:01,625
and we don't want to upset him
because he's been a bit poorly...
48
00:04:01,625 --> 00:04:02,750
He's getting better now.
49
00:04:05,166 --> 00:04:07,208
Yes, but...
50
00:04:07,333 --> 00:04:09,250
Oh, Jesus H Christ!
51
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,250
Mummy, you're not supposed to
shout Jesus's name like that.
52
00:04:12,250 --> 00:04:14,750
No, that's all right,
it's cos I'm asking for His help.a
53
00:04:14,875 --> 00:04:17,125
- To stop the car alarm?
- Yep.
54
00:04:17,375 --> 00:04:20,083
See? Thank you, Jesus.
55
00:04:21,083 --> 00:04:22,125
Come on, all aboard!
56
00:04:24,250 --> 00:04:26,791
- Enemies of Odin!
- I want the window seat!
57
00:04:26,791 --> 00:04:29,583
- Have you got your key?
- No, I gave you my key, remember?
58
00:04:30,541 --> 00:04:33,833
- Yeah. Yep.
- We can't leave the house unlocked.
59
00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:35,833
- No, I'm aware of that.
- Don't start.
60
00:04:35,833 --> 00:04:38,041
Nobody's starting.
You supervise the little ones.
61
00:04:38,041 --> 00:04:41,375
- Well, where are your keys?
- Erm, I think someone's hidden them.
62
00:04:41,375 --> 00:04:44,166
Oh, for f...
We've got to address this.
63
00:04:44,166 --> 00:04:46,208
- How many times?
- Don't start!
64
00:04:46,208 --> 00:04:48,458
- We're not starting, darling.
- OK.
65
00:04:48,916 --> 00:04:50,916
- Well, where are you going?
- Lucy.
66
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,750
She won't let me
put her seat belt on.
67
00:04:52,916 --> 00:04:55,333
- I don't like it!
- We've got to put it on.
68
00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:58,916
She'll be through the window screen
and cut into tiny pieces.
69
00:04:58,916 --> 00:05:02,166
Yes, thank you, Mickey.
Ooh, I've got a good idea.
70
00:05:02,166 --> 00:05:06,750
Why don't we ask Eric
if he knows how to put?
71
00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:09,500
- It is Norman, Mum.
- Norman, as I was saying,
72
00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:12,375
why don't we ask Norman if
he knows how to put a seat belt on?
73
00:05:12,375 --> 00:05:13,833
He's a breeze block!
74
00:05:13,833 --> 00:05:18,208
And he doesn't have arms! How could he
possibly put my seat belt on?
75
00:05:18,208 --> 00:05:18,958
Right, I'm putting it on.
76
00:05:18,958 --> 00:05:20,791
It's the stone
that needs the seat belt.
77
00:05:20,791 --> 00:05:24,583
Because if we brake hard,
it will go straight through your head
78
00:05:24,583 --> 00:05:28,166
or Daddy's head if he's driving...
for your information.
79
00:05:30,833 --> 00:05:33,333
Oh, hi, Lucy.
Erm, Abi's managed to lose her keys
80
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,625
and I need to lock up,
so could I borrow the spare?
81
00:05:37,041 --> 00:05:38,333
If you could just let me have...
82
00:05:41,791 --> 00:05:44,666
- Oh.
- Oh, no, Luce, it's fine.
83
00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:46,250
Oh, right.
84
00:05:51,375 --> 00:05:54,333
So, you're off on your travels.
85
00:05:54,375 --> 00:05:55,583
Yeah, to visit my dad.
86
00:05:56,166 --> 00:05:58,500
- You're driving all the way to Scotland?
- That's right.
87
00:05:58,708 --> 00:05:59,708
- Together?
- Yeah.
88
00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:02,583
700...
89
00:06:02,583 --> 00:06:04,750
We cannot drive to the Highlands
in one day.
90
00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:06,083
I told Gavin
we'd be there tonight.
91
00:06:06,083 --> 00:06:08,666
- We haven't got a cat's hope in hell.
- We can share the driving.
92
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,041
- What, with Jenson Button?
- Please don't argue.
93
00:06:12,041 --> 00:06:14,500
We're not arguing, darling,
we're discussing.
94
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,708
This is how it starts.
You start discussing,
95
00:06:16,708 --> 00:06:20,000
- then end up shouting and screaming.
- Then the policeman comes.
96
00:06:21,541 --> 00:06:23,708
That was just a misunderstanding,
sweetheart.
97
00:06:23,708 --> 00:06:27,250
Sometimes when grown-ups
discuss things... very loudly,
98
00:06:27,250 --> 00:06:30,000
- people get the wrong ideas.
- He let me play with his Taser.
99
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,583
- Well, he didn't let you.
- That was another misunderstanding.
100
00:06:33,583 --> 00:06:37,625
- He didn't say I couldn't.
- Did the electricity feel nice, Daddy?
101
00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:40,041
No, not nice.
102
00:06:44,041 --> 00:06:46,458
So, we're all going to have
a holiday together?
103
00:06:46,666 --> 00:06:48,916
Yeah, yep. It'll be lovely, won't it?
104
00:06:49,833 --> 00:06:54,666
Does that mean that Daddy's
gonna come and live with us again?
105
00:06:55,041 --> 00:06:57,958
Well, no, sweetheart,
we've been through all this, haven't we?
106
00:06:58,291 --> 00:06:59,958
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey?
107
00:06:59,958 --> 00:07:03,416
And the important thing to remember
is that Mummy and Daddy...
108
00:07:03,416 --> 00:07:05,333
both love you very much,
109
00:07:06,041 --> 00:07:10,333
but then sometimes a mummy and a daddy
reach a point where,
110
00:07:10,958 --> 00:07:11,958
well, things change,
111
00:07:11,958 --> 00:07:16,041
and then one of them finds that
they don't really love the other one
112
00:07:16,583 --> 00:07:20,041
like they used to,
and then, maybe because of that,
113
00:07:20,166 --> 00:07:23,666
the other one... makes a mistake.
114
00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:24,708
Like Lloyd's dad?
115
00:07:25,083 --> 00:07:28,083
Well, that was actually
quite a big mistake.
116
00:07:28,583 --> 00:07:30,625
Running over Lloyd's mum with his car,
that was...
117
00:07:31,458 --> 00:07:32,916
No, I'm talking about
a smaller mistake
118
00:07:32,916 --> 00:07:35,583
where, well, one of them does
something that is...
119
00:07:35,583 --> 00:07:38,250
a little bit silly and selfish
with someone at work,
120
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,708
so they find themselves
having rows and...
121
00:07:40,708 --> 00:07:44,958
getting cross, and then one of them
goes to someone called a solicitor
122
00:07:45,375 --> 00:07:48,208
and sometimes,
if one of them is getting angry...
123
00:07:48,208 --> 00:07:51,375
one of them tells his solicitor
to keep saying no to everything
124
00:07:51,375 --> 00:07:53,500
even though they know
they're in the wrong
125
00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:55,250
which means that even though
126
00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:58,625
a mummy and daddy love
the children very, very much...
127
00:07:58,625 --> 00:08:00,000
and always will...
128
00:08:00,291 --> 00:08:02,208
they just keep getting crosser and...
129
00:08:02,208 --> 00:08:05,041
crosser, until the mummy and daddy
start blaming each other
130
00:08:05,125 --> 00:08:08,500
for every tiny thing even though
none of this would be happening
131
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:11,125
if the other one had just
listened to him in the first place.
132
00:08:11,333 --> 00:08:12,958
- Dad?
- Yes, Mickey?
133
00:08:14,375 --> 00:08:15,916
These are a bit tight.
134
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:23,958
Dad! Dad! We've brought
your 12 o'clock pills!
135
00:08:24,458 --> 00:08:27,875
Oh, chase me round the loch
on water skis, why don't you?
136
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:32,041
Only, you left them behind!
And, er... and it's 12 o'clock!
137
00:08:32,166 --> 00:08:34,708
Come on, you beauty! Come on!
138
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:37,833
With his heart,
he is supposed to stay calm.
139
00:08:37,833 --> 00:08:41,458
I mean, how can anybody get
so worked up about fishing?
140
00:08:41,458 --> 00:08:43,041
Oh, Jesus!
141
00:08:43,583 --> 00:08:45,541
Never think of looking left and right?
142
00:08:45,708 --> 00:08:46,708
Dad!
143
00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:54,750
- Is this Scotland?
- No, darling, this is Watford.
144
00:08:56,708 --> 00:08:59,208
When Daddy wakes up,
are you gonna go, "I told you so,"
145
00:08:59,208 --> 00:09:00,875
cos of the traffic congestion?
146
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:02,291
No, darling.
147
00:09:06,708 --> 00:09:08,750
She's not gonna say, "I told you so."
148
00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:10,375
Jess! What did you do that for?
149
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:12,000
It's rude to wake someone up.
150
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,875
- That's right.
- A million thousand...
151
00:09:18,083 --> 00:09:20,375
Oh, God. Look at this lot.
152
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,000
Leave it.
153
00:09:25,625 --> 00:09:26,500
Abi's phone.
154
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,500
Hang on. It's Leon.
155
00:09:31,708 --> 00:09:32,708
I'll call him back.
156
00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:35,291
She'll call you back.
157
00:09:35,291 --> 00:09:38,458
I feel car sick. Can I sit in the front?
158
00:09:38,458 --> 00:09:41,333
Next time we stop, sweetie.
If we're allowed to.
159
00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:44,125
In 50 metres, turn right.
160
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,583
We can't bloody turn right,
there's no right turn.
161
00:09:46,583 --> 00:09:50,250
We can't bloody turn right,
there's no right turn.
162
00:09:50,250 --> 00:09:51,666
Can we change the voice?
163
00:09:51,666 --> 00:09:54,041
Can we have it in Italian
like we did last time?
164
00:09:54,041 --> 00:09:55,833
No. That's how we ended up in Ipswich.
165
00:09:55,833 --> 00:09:59,375
But we can have it in African language,
say for example,
166
00:09:59,375 --> 00:10:02,166
- either like Chad or?
- Chad isn't a language.
167
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,166
Zimbabwe or Bahamas.
168
00:10:05,208 --> 00:10:07,291
Or even Israelian.
169
00:10:07,291 --> 00:10:09,000
Oh, God, it's Gavin.
170
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,333
Accept it,
we are not gonna get there tonight.
171
00:10:11,333 --> 00:10:13,791
The traffic always gets better
after Leeds. Hi, Gavin.
172
00:10:13,791 --> 00:10:15,250
Tell him we won't make it today.
173
00:10:16,166 --> 00:10:19,583
Yeah, it is safe me talking to you.
Abi's driving.
174
00:10:20,375 --> 00:10:22,333
Because in England we let women drive.
175
00:10:22,666 --> 00:10:23,666
Tell him.
176
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:28,250
No, we will make it tonight,
just probably quite late. OK.
177
00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:31,083
OK, bye. Bye-bye.
178
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:58,583
Hello, I wondered
if Sir Donald was in. Thank you.
179
00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:01,000
We've got three bulimics.
180
00:11:01,458 --> 00:11:04,250
Do you think we should put them next
to the buffet or a long way from it?
181
00:11:04,833 --> 00:11:07,750
I think near the toilet's
probably more important.
182
00:11:07,916 --> 00:11:10,208
Er, do you know, I think Doreen...
183
00:11:11,333 --> 00:11:14,625
er, she'd be more comfortable
away from the top table.
184
00:11:14,666 --> 00:11:17,916
Maybe we should let your dad decide,
because she is one of his oldest...
185
00:11:17,916 --> 00:11:21,666
- Sir Donald. Gavin. Yeah.
...friends.
186
00:11:21,666 --> 00:11:22,416
Gavin.
187
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,333
Gavin McLeod. Yeah.
188
00:11:25,416 --> 00:11:27,625
I hear you got a hole-in-one
at the 13th.
189
00:11:44,625 --> 00:11:47,750
Well, he won't be bothering us again.
190
00:11:50,125 --> 00:11:51,208
Just wait there, kids.
191
00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:55,125
I like being sick,
it's like being a fountain.
192
00:11:55,166 --> 00:11:57,250
- I was sickest most.
- No, I was.
193
00:11:58,416 --> 00:11:59,833
Thanks for stopping for the night.
194
00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:02,666
I just want to get there
as soon as possible.
195
00:12:02,958 --> 00:12:04,958
- No, I know.
- His T-shirt.
196
00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:07,458
His T-shirt was full of vomit
because of me.
197
00:12:07,541 --> 00:12:08,541
Listen, Doug...
198
00:12:12,291 --> 00:12:15,416
It's a draw. You both
produced an equal amount of sick.
199
00:12:15,416 --> 00:12:16,583
But I still won.
200
00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:22,250
Er... why are we putting ourselves
through all this?
201
00:12:23,083 --> 00:12:25,083
Maybe we should just
tell your dad the truth.
202
00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:27,208
No, no, it's too big a risk.
203
00:12:27,625 --> 00:12:30,083
It could really upset him,
the idea of us splitting.
204
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:32,166
Please, Abi.
205
00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:35,041
He can't have long, let's just...
206
00:12:36,333 --> 00:12:37,916
Let's just let him have his party.
207
00:12:47,541 --> 00:12:51,875
Oh, Jesus Christ. No, no, no.
208
00:13:06,666 --> 00:13:10,000
Lottie, no one's gonna ask you if
Mum and me are living in the same house.
209
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,875
Is there anything else
you've not told me?
210
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,125
No.
211
00:13:15,541 --> 00:13:18,291
- Why are you writing that down?
- So you can't say you didn't say it.
212
00:13:19,208 --> 00:13:23,000
OK. Kids, just to remind...
Mickey, stop playing chip Jenga.
213
00:13:23,458 --> 00:13:26,833
Just to remind everyone, what we're
saying is, when we get to Scotland,
214
00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:31,875
nobody is to tell anyone that Mum and me
are living in different houses, OK?
215
00:13:31,875 --> 00:13:35,583
Can we tell them that you walked in
while the headmistress was doing a poo?
216
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,208
It's not really...
217
00:13:37,208 --> 00:13:39,750
Can we tell them about tadpoles
turning into frogs?
218
00:13:39,750 --> 00:13:43,000
Absolutely. I think that'd be
an excellent conversation.
219
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,083
That's a much better
topic of conversation.
220
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:49,083
So as long as we're all agreed,
none of us mention anything about this.
221
00:13:49,083 --> 00:13:51,833
I wasn't gonna mention it anyway.
It's boring.
222
00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:53,833
- Exactly.
- It's lying.
223
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,708
It's... It's not lying, it's not.
224
00:13:55,708 --> 00:13:59,416
It's not...
It's not mentioning something.
225
00:13:59,583 --> 00:14:02,375
What if someone asks,
"Are your mum and dad getting divorced?"
226
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,458
You're visiting your granddad,
not going on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
227
00:14:08,708 --> 00:14:12,208
I hope we get another sunset
tonight. Last night was fantastic.
228
00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:15,708
It's the volcanic dust in the air
refracting the low-level sunlight.
229
00:14:16,875 --> 00:14:17,583
Really?
230
00:14:18,583 --> 00:14:21,041
I thought it was those new pills
the doctor's got me on.
231
00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:24,125
Must give you
a couple of packets of the blue ones.
232
00:14:24,125 --> 00:14:27,208
You can take them to school, sell them
to your friends, make a tidy wee profit.
233
00:14:31,333 --> 00:14:32,333
Play something.
234
00:14:40,958 --> 00:14:44,000
Nah, nah, nah.
Play the proper stuff.
235
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,125
You know you like it.
And you've got to cut loose, Kenny.
236
00:14:47,208 --> 00:14:48,458
Go mental.
237
00:14:49,958 --> 00:14:51,916
Dad says I need to concentrate
on my exam pieces.
238
00:15:39,708 --> 00:15:42,333
In 50 metres, turn right.
239
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:43,708
Right.
240
00:15:44,833 --> 00:15:46,166
Oh, Jesus.
241
00:15:47,666 --> 00:15:49,041
Why didn't you wake me?
242
00:15:49,041 --> 00:15:51,375
- You said it was rude.
- Not while I'm driving.
243
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:52,791
What's happening?
244
00:15:52,791 --> 00:15:56,083
Daddy didn't like me
driving when he was asleep.
245
00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:59,041
- What? You were asleep?
- Is this Scotland?
246
00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:01,333
Do you mean you actually fell asleep?
247
00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:02,833
Not really.
248
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:06,333
- Yeah, these are the Highlands.
- How high are the Highlands?
249
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,875
- Were you sleeping?
- High. Higher than the Lowlands.
250
00:16:08,875 --> 00:16:10,750
Did you fall asleep?
251
00:16:49,583 --> 00:16:51,250
Puppies!
252
00:16:53,916 --> 00:16:55,666
Forgotten the way to Scotland then?
253
00:17:14,041 --> 00:17:16,583
So, Mickey, belated birthday present.a
254
00:17:16,750 --> 00:17:17,916
I expect you can guess what it is.
255
00:17:18,791 --> 00:17:19,916
Is it a bicycle?
256
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:24,458
Is it a... joke cushion that
stabs you in the bottom?
257
00:17:24,458 --> 00:17:26,500
- No, it is not.
- Is it a cow pie?
258
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:27,500
Granddad!
259
00:17:27,666 --> 00:17:30,208
- Happy birthday!
- Hello, darling.
260
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:32,833
Hey, Dad.
261
00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:36,833
- Gordie.
- Hello.
262
00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:39,333
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks very much.
263
00:17:39,791 --> 00:17:42,791
- How's things, Dad?
- Fine, fine, good.
264
00:17:43,208 --> 00:17:44,416
And how's things with you?
265
00:17:44,666 --> 00:17:46,083
- Fine.
- Brilliant, brilliant.
266
00:17:46,083 --> 00:17:47,125
I mean, super. More than.
267
00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:49,791
- Brilliant, tremendous.
- It is more fun actually. Fun.
268
00:17:49,791 --> 00:17:51,958
- Yeah.
- Isn't it? Yeah.
269
00:17:51,958 --> 00:17:54,625
- Really, really, really good.
- Right.
270
00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:57,958
- I did you a birthday card, Granddad.
- Oh, thanks, Lottie.
271
00:17:57,958 --> 00:18:00,041
She's got something of your mother.
272
00:18:01,041 --> 00:18:03,125
- Can he not play with that?
- Oh, Mickey!
273
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:06,791
Sorry, I just wanted to show Granddad
the badger in the revolving doors
274
00:18:06,791 --> 00:18:08,458
and the nun with two heads.
275
00:18:08,458 --> 00:18:10,291
Nobody wants to see
a nun with two heads.
276
00:18:10,291 --> 00:18:12,875
- I do.
- That computer's not for kids.
277
00:18:13,333 --> 00:18:15,416
All the terminals are connected.
It's a...
278
00:18:15,416 --> 00:18:17,416
- Synergised system.
- That's right.
279
00:18:17,583 --> 00:18:20,166
You know, the whole house
is virtually wireless.
280
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:22,666
It's, well, more than an iCloud, it's...
281
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:23,833
iFog?
282
00:18:25,375 --> 00:18:26,791
It's an intelligent house.
283
00:18:27,666 --> 00:18:29,041
Is it as intelligent
284
00:18:29,750 --> 00:18:31,416
as a squid?
285
00:18:31,416 --> 00:18:34,833
- As a squid?
- Cos it can fit through a hole.
286
00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:36,083
It's intelligent in a way...
287
00:18:36,083 --> 00:18:39,125
- Can it draw a leopard?
- What?
288
00:18:39,125 --> 00:18:40,875
And can it do cartwheels?
289
00:18:41,125 --> 00:18:43,458
If this house is more intelligent
than you...
290
00:18:43,458 --> 00:18:45,708
- Mickey.
- This system cost a lot of money.
291
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:49,583
Well, it doesn't always mean
it's intelligent if...
292
00:18:49,583 --> 00:18:51,291
- It cost loads of money.
- Yeah.
293
00:18:51,291 --> 00:18:53,416
You're not explaining it at all well.
294
00:18:53,708 --> 00:18:58,500
I think we should take you to
the headmaster of your place
295
00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:00,750
- because...
- It's an intelligent house, OK?
296
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:03,750
You know, it's connected.
297
00:19:04,541 --> 00:19:05,541
Let there be light.
298
00:19:08,166 --> 00:19:11,750
Now then, clan of McLeod,
if you'll excuse me...
299
00:19:15,333 --> 00:19:17,291
Where are the keys?
They were there a moment ago.
300
00:19:17,583 --> 00:19:19,291
Who could have taken them?
301
00:19:21,041 --> 00:19:22,041
I don't know.
302
00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:24,833
Magpies?
303
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,708
Magpies?
304
00:19:31,375 --> 00:19:34,875
This is my domain.
Only special people come here.
305
00:19:37,708 --> 00:19:38,708
After you, my dear.
306
00:19:41,541 --> 00:19:43,250
Ta-dah!
307
00:19:53,208 --> 00:19:58,125
Jess? This is insane!
I only asked you where the keys were.
308
00:19:58,125 --> 00:20:01,416
Jessie, Jessie, just breathe,
take a big, big breath.
309
00:20:01,708 --> 00:20:02,875
A big, deep breath.
310
00:20:03,250 --> 00:20:05,625
- She holds her breath?
- Yeah.
311
00:20:05,708 --> 00:20:08,500
Ah, well.
She can't do herself too much harm, eh?
312
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:11,500
Well, actually...
313
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:14,041
Till she blacks out? Unconscious?
314
00:20:14,375 --> 00:20:17,583
That's quite extreme, isn't it?
To hold your breath that long.
315
00:20:18,958 --> 00:20:21,750
Well, she can always become
a pearl diver.
316
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,166
Where's Sir Donald gone?
317
00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:31,291
Have you noticed anything odd
about Doug and Abi?
318
00:20:32,166 --> 00:20:34,500
Hey, what have you done to that helmet?
319
00:20:34,666 --> 00:20:36,125
I took the horns off it.
320
00:20:37,083 --> 00:20:38,958
London manners. Eh?
321
00:20:39,208 --> 00:20:42,125
Doug can't control them.
And as for her...
322
00:20:43,666 --> 00:20:46,250
That's what happens when
you marry someone too clever.
323
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:53,541
That's me when I was 20.
324
00:20:53,583 --> 00:20:55,875
Only my skin was a little less orange.
325
00:20:59,166 --> 00:21:00,500
Is that you with the monkey?
326
00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:03,625
Yeah, that was my 30th birthday
in Northern Rhodesia.
327
00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:06,666
- We were looking for silver.
- Kneel before mighty Odin!
328
00:21:07,041 --> 00:21:09,708
Do you not get birthdays
after you're 75?
329
00:21:09,750 --> 00:21:10,500
What?
330
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:14,541
Dad said to Mum it's going to be
Granddad's last birthday. I heard him.
331
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:18,083
Ooh, Blu-Tack. Can I have this?
332
00:21:18,083 --> 00:21:21,708
Sure. Tell you what, why don't you
go check out on the puppies?
333
00:21:21,708 --> 00:21:23,458
- See if they're OK.
- Sure.
334
00:21:23,458 --> 00:21:24,666
I'm building a big...
335
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:33,375
You've heard of cancer?
336
00:21:34,333 --> 00:21:35,333
Well, I've got that.
337
00:21:36,458 --> 00:21:37,666
But you will get better.
338
00:21:38,750 --> 00:21:41,416
Well, actually, no,
they can't make me any better
339
00:21:41,583 --> 00:21:43,291
and the treatments
they've been giving me
340
00:21:43,291 --> 00:21:45,750
have been putting
a terrible strain on my heart.
341
00:21:49,791 --> 00:21:55,041
But right now,
right this second, I feel brilliant.
342
00:21:57,375 --> 00:22:00,208
- What is this?
- It's my notebook.
343
00:22:01,791 --> 00:22:03,333
You know, Lottie,
344
00:22:03,750 --> 00:22:07,250
a lot of life doesn't look very good
written down.
345
00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:11,166
So, cousin Kenneth
is the one who took the keys?
346
00:22:11,166 --> 00:22:13,083
Yeah, isn't he a naughty boy?
347
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:16,333
And where did cousin Kenneth
put the keys?
348
00:22:19,958 --> 00:22:20,958
Right.
349
00:22:21,166 --> 00:22:22,458
- Lost something?
- No.
350
00:22:23,708 --> 00:22:25,208
Ready for football?
351
00:22:25,458 --> 00:22:28,291
Leon, hi. No, still very keen.
352
00:22:28,958 --> 00:22:31,458
- Oh, nice header.
- Yeah, all right. Yeah.
353
00:22:31,458 --> 00:22:33,291
- It's mine!
- Hey?
354
00:22:33,750 --> 00:22:34,875
Oh! There you go.
355
00:22:35,208 --> 00:22:37,208
Maybe your parents just lied
to protect you.
356
00:22:37,208 --> 00:22:39,500
- Do you ever lie?
- Well, I've told lots of lies.
357
00:22:40,416 --> 00:22:42,666
Lots and lots of lies.
I always lied to policemen
358
00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:44,375
who said, "What speed were you going?"
359
00:22:44,375 --> 00:22:47,541
I say, "30mph," when I was clearly
doing much faster than that.
360
00:22:50,041 --> 00:22:51,250
And I don't care.
361
00:22:54,458 --> 00:22:59,500
Sometimes, if your intentions
are good, it's OK to lie.
362
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:03,166
And if you don't like
someone's food at someone's house,
363
00:23:03,250 --> 00:23:05,208
and you say, "This is great,"
even though...
364
00:23:05,208 --> 00:23:08,458
That's what you do. You don't say,
"My God, I think I'm gonna vomit here."
365
00:23:09,833 --> 00:23:14,083
What you're saying is,
it's OK to lie to some people sometimes?
366
00:23:14,083 --> 00:23:15,500
Yeah, it's also good fun.
367
00:23:15,750 --> 00:23:16,750
For instance...
368
00:23:18,416 --> 00:23:21,083
Maybe we can find him in here.
George Judd.
369
00:23:22,750 --> 00:23:24,041
There he is, that's him there.
370
00:23:24,416 --> 00:23:27,583
When he told him there was an
elephant leech clinging to his bollocks,
371
00:23:27,583 --> 00:23:30,500
he got such a fright,
he completely fainted.
372
00:23:32,791 --> 00:23:35,166
- Is that you?
- No, I'm the wee one.
373
00:23:35,166 --> 00:23:36,166
So who's that?
374
00:23:42,458 --> 00:23:43,916
How could I forget?
375
00:23:44,166 --> 00:23:47,000
Dip me in vinegar
and call me a fish supper.
376
00:23:47,375 --> 00:23:50,666
I have here
a chocolate model of the Alps.
377
00:23:50,666 --> 00:23:52,416
Ta-dah!
378
00:23:54,083 --> 00:23:56,583
Here he comes,
weaving his magic.
379
00:23:57,916 --> 00:23:59,625
And he's clean through...
380
00:24:00,291 --> 00:24:02,666
- Foul!
- Come on! I hardly touched you!
381
00:24:02,666 --> 00:24:04,375
And so it begins.
382
00:24:04,625 --> 00:24:05,958
Kenneth, your ball!
383
00:24:06,250 --> 00:24:08,291
- Oh, for Christ's sake!
- Gavin!
384
00:24:08,833 --> 00:24:11,333
What is wrong with you?
For crying out loud.
385
00:24:11,916 --> 00:24:14,750
- Mickey, this is your ball!
- I'm a Berserker!
386
00:24:14,750 --> 00:24:16,625
Will you stop being a Berserker? Ow!
387
00:24:17,458 --> 00:24:19,083
- And England are rattled.
- I'm not England.
388
00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:21,208
You're so English,
you're practically French.
389
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,458
Oh, no! I think I see
a marauding Berserker!
390
00:24:25,458 --> 00:24:26,208
Help!
391
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,125
- That would have killed me.
- I've killed you!
392
00:24:30,125 --> 00:24:32,583
But I moved my heart
to the other side, thank goodness.
393
00:24:32,583 --> 00:24:34,458
- You can't.
- You can when you're Scottish.
394
00:24:34,458 --> 00:24:37,458
- You've got a movable heart.
- You're dead.
395
00:24:37,458 --> 00:24:39,625
Jess! Kick it in the goal!
396
00:24:39,625 --> 00:24:41,375
Kenneth, you spaz!
397
00:24:41,375 --> 00:24:43,041
Gavin, please!
398
00:24:43,041 --> 00:24:46,666
Get the bloody ball!
She's gonna score!
399
00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:52,958
Jess! Oh, God. Jess, are you OK?
400
00:24:52,958 --> 00:24:55,583
- Darling!
- I'm so sorry, Jess.
401
00:24:55,583 --> 00:24:57,083
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
402
00:24:57,083 --> 00:24:59,458
- I'm really, really sorry.
- It wasn't your fault.
403
00:24:59,458 --> 00:25:01,583
No, no, it was his fault.
404
00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:02,958
- Is she OK?
- No harm done.
405
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,916
Come on, let's get you some ice cream.
406
00:25:07,333 --> 00:25:08,708
I'll make you a hot chocolate...
407
00:25:10,666 --> 00:25:12,333
I'm just gonna take this penalty.
408
00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:16,583
- Did you really play for Scotland?
- Aye, I did.
409
00:25:16,583 --> 00:25:18,291
Just the once, against Cyprus.
410
00:25:18,291 --> 00:25:20,375
- Did you score?
- I certainly did.
411
00:25:20,375 --> 00:25:24,458
A cracking header into the top corner...
of my own net.
412
00:25:24,916 --> 00:25:27,041
That's probably why
you only played once.
413
00:25:28,375 --> 00:25:31,416
Somebody going to go in goal?
Gavin?
414
00:25:32,166 --> 00:25:33,500
So how are you feeling?
415
00:25:33,916 --> 00:25:37,458
Really, really pissed off
with this dying thing.
416
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,208
Terribly, utterly
100 percent pissed off.
417
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,458
Like millions before me.
418
00:25:44,875 --> 00:25:48,500
You could look on the bright side.
You dodged Alzheimer's.
419
00:25:49,333 --> 00:25:50,333
Gavin!
420
00:25:52,208 --> 00:25:55,875
This morning I was thinking of Doug
when he was Jess's age.
421
00:25:55,875 --> 00:25:58,875
I used to tickle him
and he'd go, "No, no, no!"
422
00:25:59,666 --> 00:26:02,583
Then when I was finished,
he'd go, "More, more, more, more!"
423
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,666
Which sums up
exactly how I feel about living.
424
00:26:08,666 --> 00:26:09,666
One-all.
425
00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:13,916
Right, time, everybody!
Margaret!
426
00:26:17,791 --> 00:26:18,791
The keys are back
427
00:26:19,458 --> 00:26:20,458
Hm-hmm.
428
00:26:21,833 --> 00:26:25,458
Uncle Gavin, are you rich?
This place is enormous.
429
00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:28,166
Er, no, no, no. Comfortable.
430
00:26:28,833 --> 00:26:33,041
This isn't actually...
This is owned by my company, not by me,
431
00:26:33,041 --> 00:26:34,458
so I use, like, a tax wrapper...
432
00:26:34,458 --> 00:26:37,416
- Are you like a tax man?
- No. No, no...
433
00:26:37,416 --> 00:26:38,750
What is your actual job then?
434
00:26:38,750 --> 00:26:41,416
Well, er, I have an interest
in a fund...
435
00:26:41,583 --> 00:26:45,416
- So you're a banker?
- No. No, I work with banks...
436
00:26:45,416 --> 00:26:48,208
- Dad said bankers are scum.
- Hmm!
437
00:26:48,208 --> 00:26:52,166
Did I say? Well...
I might have done, yeah.
438
00:26:52,166 --> 00:26:55,000
Would you ever have thought
that you would own this house
439
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,916
if you were not a banker?
440
00:26:56,916 --> 00:26:59,416
- I'm not a banker.
- Yeah, Gav. What is your actual job?
441
00:26:59,416 --> 00:27:02,458
- What is scum?
- I use money to make money.
442
00:27:02,458 --> 00:27:04,375
- That doesn't make sense.
- Margaret!
443
00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:07,958
When will we ever get
this answer out of you?
444
00:27:07,958 --> 00:27:10,083
I'm giving you the answer, you're not...
445
00:27:10,083 --> 00:27:12,875
- Is it gonna be the 12th of July?
- Enough.
446
00:27:13,333 --> 00:27:16,375
- I'm a short seller.
- You sell shorts?
447
00:27:17,041 --> 00:27:18,250
A short sailor?
448
00:27:19,125 --> 00:27:22,625
Not a short sailor, a short seller.
449
00:27:22,708 --> 00:27:26,333
Your friends, do they sell shoes,
socks, hairpieces?
450
00:27:26,333 --> 00:27:28,583
What sort of millionaire are you?
451
00:27:28,583 --> 00:27:31,416
OK, I've got lots of money, OK?
Lots of money!
452
00:27:31,416 --> 00:27:34,708
I've got shares, I've got property,
I've got gold.
453
00:27:34,708 --> 00:27:37,000
I've got lots of money! Can we just?
454
00:27:37,750 --> 00:27:38,875
Margaret!
455
00:27:52,291 --> 00:27:55,625
If this has got another two minutes,
we're gonna get obese.
456
00:27:55,916 --> 00:27:58,750
I can even feel myself
getting obese now.
457
00:28:00,875 --> 00:28:01,875
Sweetie, that's...
458
00:28:03,541 --> 00:28:05,041
This is killing me.
459
00:28:05,166 --> 00:28:07,458
Right now,
do you realise this is killing me?
460
00:28:08,833 --> 00:28:10,541
You should have told me about Granddad.
461
00:28:11,041 --> 00:28:12,541
- I'm sorry.
- Shh, shh, shh!
462
00:28:14,666 --> 00:28:16,500
You and Mum need to stop lying.
463
00:28:24,916 --> 00:28:27,125
If you didn't lie so much,
maybe you'd still be together.
464
00:28:27,125 --> 00:28:28,208
Bravo!
465
00:28:29,416 --> 00:28:32,583
And maybe Mum wouldn't be on the phone
to her solicitor all night
466
00:28:32,750 --> 00:28:35,375
banging on about breaches
and leave to remove.
467
00:28:35,375 --> 00:28:36,375
More!
468
00:28:40,833 --> 00:28:41,833
Wasn't that great?
469
00:29:30,291 --> 00:29:32,333
Sorry, I shouldn't have...
470
00:29:32,333 --> 00:29:35,000
Kenneth, darling, it's fine.
471
00:29:35,250 --> 00:29:39,000
This, it's just something women do
when they get a bit older.
472
00:29:39,541 --> 00:29:41,208
It's perfectly normal.
473
00:29:41,375 --> 00:29:44,541
Just letting off a bit of steam.
474
00:29:45,750 --> 00:29:49,166
Is this about the... incident?
475
00:29:50,625 --> 00:29:54,416
Incident? What incident?
476
00:29:54,416 --> 00:29:56,291
Mum, it's on YouTube.
477
00:30:09,375 --> 00:30:12,291
- Leave to remove?
- I need the toilet.
478
00:30:16,416 --> 00:30:18,916
- Doug!
- I texted my solicitor.
479
00:30:18,916 --> 00:30:20,083
I'm dying for a pee.
480
00:30:20,166 --> 00:30:22,208
You're planning to take
my children away, aren't you?
481
00:30:22,625 --> 00:30:26,208
- Somewhere that's...
- Newcastle, OK? Newcastle, right?
482
00:30:27,916 --> 00:30:30,791
- Now is not the time to talk about it.
- When is a good time?
483
00:30:30,791 --> 00:30:32,083
When I'm not on the toilet.
484
00:30:36,208 --> 00:30:37,833
- Newcastle?
- Yeah.
485
00:30:37,833 --> 00:30:40,708
You're seriously gonna take my children
to live in Newcastle?
486
00:30:40,708 --> 00:30:43,541
- I'm thinking about it.
- Have you told the kids?
487
00:30:44,083 --> 00:30:46,250
- You found this?
- Yeah.
488
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,250
I think it's a king's brooch
because it's got the Tree of Life on it.
489
00:30:50,750 --> 00:30:53,333
Is it true you're a Viking?
Cos Dad said you were.
490
00:30:53,625 --> 00:30:57,333
Oh, yeah. University Hospital
were doing DNA tests
491
00:30:57,333 --> 00:30:59,000
and wanted volunteers.
492
00:30:59,375 --> 00:31:02,000
And seeing as they were
forever taking my blood anyway,
493
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:04,791
seems I'm 84 percent Viking.
494
00:31:07,375 --> 00:31:08,375
That's most of me.
495
00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:20,458
Look, come on. I thought we agreed
that this weekend was about your dad
496
00:31:20,458 --> 00:31:23,666
and we'd put all personal issues
on hold. We agreed, didn't we?
497
00:31:23,666 --> 00:31:25,916
- Yeah.
- Then unlock the bloody door.
498
00:31:25,958 --> 00:31:28,416
- How would I see the kids?
- You'd come to Newcastle.
499
00:31:28,625 --> 00:31:29,833
- What?
- A few hours on the train.
500
00:31:29,833 --> 00:31:32,333
- Four hours at least.
- Three hours 12 minutes.
501
00:31:32,333 --> 00:31:34,875
- Nearly seven hours there and back.
- Will you let me out?
502
00:31:34,875 --> 00:31:37,125
- Every weekend, seven hours?
- I'd like to leave, please.
503
00:31:37,875 --> 00:31:39,916
Weekends would be much worse,
they do engineering work.
504
00:31:39,916 --> 00:31:41,916
I'd spend my life
on a bus replacement service.
505
00:31:41,916 --> 00:31:44,208
- Let me out.
- You're doing this out of revenge.
506
00:31:44,208 --> 00:31:47,458
Either behave in a mature
and adult way
507
00:31:47,458 --> 00:31:49,833
or I scream "rape" out of this window.
508
00:31:50,041 --> 00:31:53,083
Oh, not that again.
509
00:31:54,458 --> 00:31:56,541
Why did you pull
the horns off your helmet?
510
00:31:56,791 --> 00:31:58,750
Cos it's historically incorrect.
511
00:31:58,750 --> 00:32:00,875
Cos Viking helmets didn't have horns.
512
00:32:00,875 --> 00:32:04,250
Ah, but they didn't have two holes
in them there and there, did they?
513
00:32:04,250 --> 00:32:06,625
They did if they fell off a cliff
onto a stag.
514
00:32:07,083 --> 00:32:08,083
I never thought of that.
515
00:32:08,583 --> 00:32:09,875
What if somebody threw a spear?
516
00:32:09,875 --> 00:32:12,875
It could have gone through the side
and out the other side.
517
00:32:13,041 --> 00:32:15,458
But that would hit the helmet though,
wouldn't it?
518
00:32:17,083 --> 00:32:19,291
You know,
my favourite Norse god is Odin.
519
00:32:19,291 --> 00:32:20,833
Is it? Why's that?
520
00:32:20,833 --> 00:32:25,958
Because he's got these, erm, ravens
called Memory and something else.
521
00:32:25,958 --> 00:32:26,958
What did they do?
522
00:32:28,875 --> 00:32:31,250
- They're ravens.
- And that's a job, is it?
523
00:32:31,250 --> 00:32:33,375
- They're really dangerous.
- Ooh.
524
00:32:33,375 --> 00:32:35,791
- I pray to him sometimes.
- You pray to Odin?
525
00:32:35,791 --> 00:32:39,333
Yeah. He roams the world
testing people's hospitality.
526
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:43,916
Well, in the mortal world,
we have a word for that. "Scrounging."
527
00:32:51,625 --> 00:32:53,458
Happy 75th birthday.
528
00:33:00,500 --> 00:33:01,500
They're fine.
529
00:33:02,333 --> 00:33:04,625
And they don't live
in different houses by the way.
530
00:33:19,708 --> 00:33:22,666
I'll be running,
er, well, all the important stuff.
531
00:33:22,666 --> 00:33:25,791
Margaret, I've got you
on the flowers, the food,
532
00:33:25,791 --> 00:33:28,833
the signage and the cloakroom.
Er, and the taxis.
533
00:33:30,166 --> 00:33:35,083
And the photographer. Doug, I need you
to set up the marquee for the band.
534
00:33:35,083 --> 00:33:37,166
Hello. And set up the tables.
535
00:33:37,166 --> 00:33:40,875
Kenneth is on parking and conage.
536
00:33:40,875 --> 00:33:42,291
I'm going to West Beach
with Dad and the kids.
537
00:33:42,291 --> 00:33:45,750
I think not.
214 guests we've got coming.
538
00:33:45,750 --> 00:33:47,958
- 214?
- 215.
539
00:33:48,041 --> 00:33:50,291
Patsy Cameron found a
man on the internet.
540
00:33:50,291 --> 00:33:50,666
Too late.a
541
00:33:50,666 --> 00:33:52,333
Although Jimmy Cazerotto's
stuck in New Zealand.
542
00:33:52,333 --> 00:33:55,291
- Dad can't manage the kids.
- I'm not senile.
543
00:33:55,875 --> 00:33:57,708
No, but what if...
Mickey, put the puppy back.
544
00:33:58,333 --> 00:34:02,750
- Dad, it is your birthday...
- And this is how I'd like to spend it.
545
00:34:02,750 --> 00:34:05,166
And we don't want to upset him. Do we?
546
00:34:05,541 --> 00:34:09,291
- We'll be back by seven.
- Well, no, you need to be back bef...
547
00:34:09,291 --> 00:34:11,666
So that's agreed then.
I'll take my mobile.
548
00:34:11,666 --> 00:34:12,875
- Come on, kids.
- Yes!
549
00:34:12,875 --> 00:34:13,875
But, Dad...!
550
00:34:16,375 --> 00:34:19,333
Gordie, are you sure
you're up... for this?
551
00:34:19,333 --> 00:34:22,333
It's... Margaret said
your medications make you feel...
552
00:34:22,333 --> 00:34:24,375
I'm giving the medications
a rest today.
553
00:34:24,375 --> 00:34:25,583
Oh, well, is that a good...
554
00:34:25,583 --> 00:34:27,708
No need to worry,
I've carried out a risk assessment.
555
00:34:30,208 --> 00:34:31,958
No, I haven't. It's a joke.
556
00:34:34,125 --> 00:34:35,541
Remember jokes?
557
00:34:56,500 --> 00:34:57,500
Hey!
558
00:35:00,916 --> 00:35:04,750
Are you not stopping to say hello,
you miserable old bastard?
559
00:35:04,791 --> 00:35:07,708
Jesus, Doreen,
can you not mind your language?
560
00:35:07,750 --> 00:35:08,833
They're only weans.
561
00:35:08,833 --> 00:35:10,291
She's got animals!
562
00:35:10,958 --> 00:35:12,208
What's the matter with you?
563
00:35:13,375 --> 00:35:15,916
I'm just saying go easy on the swearing.
564
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,500
They're from London,
everybody swears in London.
565
00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:20,875
Mum and Dad swear all the time.
566
00:35:20,916 --> 00:35:23,875
- Well, maybe so, but...
- Mum used the c-word.
567
00:35:23,875 --> 00:35:26,416
- And the other ones.
- OK, but...
568
00:35:26,416 --> 00:35:32,875
"Tell that to your poxy effing c-word
of a solicitor, you effing b-word."
569
00:35:34,541 --> 00:35:36,500
She thought I was in the garden
570
00:35:36,958 --> 00:35:40,416
but I was in the toilet
peeing very quietly
571
00:35:40,416 --> 00:35:44,041
by aiming for the side of the toilet
but not the water.
572
00:35:46,583 --> 00:35:47,708
Though I did miss a bit.
573
00:35:48,583 --> 00:35:50,958
- Right.
- She's got goats!
574
00:35:50,958 --> 00:35:52,500
I'm coming!
575
00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:55,541
And pigs!
576
00:36:00,625 --> 00:36:02,291
I wonder what's in here.
577
00:36:04,208 --> 00:36:07,208
- Shall we have a look?
- Whoa, look at the size of him!
578
00:36:07,208 --> 00:36:10,875
- They're like massive chickens.
- They look like meerkats.
579
00:36:11,666 --> 00:36:13,083
Only with no arms.
580
00:36:15,083 --> 00:36:16,583
I'm gonna race one.
581
00:36:17,083 --> 00:36:19,833
You've got an escapee
charging about like a loony
582
00:36:19,833 --> 00:36:22,083
- down by the burn.
- That'll be Wiggins.
583
00:36:24,125 --> 00:36:26,333
- How are you feeling today?
- Oh, I'm fine.
584
00:36:27,416 --> 00:36:28,625
It's one of my good days.
585
00:36:30,083 --> 00:36:32,041
You are such a crap actor.
586
00:36:32,541 --> 00:36:37,875
Come on! Call yourselves ostriches?
I'm a lion! Come on! Race me!
587
00:36:39,416 --> 00:36:43,583
So this came out of
a ostrich's bottom?
588
00:36:43,583 --> 00:36:45,375
That's why they're so bad tempered.
589
00:36:45,375 --> 00:36:49,166
Could you get an ostrich egg
and push it back up its bottom?
590
00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:51,041
No, I don't think so.
591
00:36:51,166 --> 00:36:53,875
Because you'd have to
hold the ostrich still
592
00:36:53,875 --> 00:36:55,958
and nobody's gonna volunteer for that.
593
00:36:55,958 --> 00:36:58,625
I reckon you could get it
halfway up the crack.
594
00:36:59,291 --> 00:37:00,125
You could push it up.
595
00:37:00,125 --> 00:37:02,500
If you caught it halfway,
you think you could push it back up?
596
00:37:02,750 --> 00:37:05,083
- Yeah.
- Next time one's going to lay,
597
00:37:05,083 --> 00:37:08,166
- I'll get in touch with you.
- One little push like...
598
00:37:08,166 --> 00:37:11,208
- Like a volleyball.
- Right.
599
00:37:12,166 --> 00:37:16,000
Look, I know your mum and dad
are going through a difficult time.
600
00:37:16,291 --> 00:37:18,708
So you know what's happening to them?
601
00:37:18,708 --> 00:37:22,166
- I put two and two together.
- So you know they're getting divorced?
602
00:37:24,416 --> 00:37:26,875
Well, no, I didn't know that.
603
00:37:29,541 --> 00:37:34,791
Look, Lottie, people sometimes change
but they still love you, both of them.
604
00:37:35,583 --> 00:37:38,416
You'll see.
They'll muddle through this eventually.
605
00:37:38,416 --> 00:37:42,041
- Dad had an affair.
- Right, er...
606
00:37:42,041 --> 00:37:44,375
With a Paralympic athlete lady
with one foot.
607
00:37:44,375 --> 00:37:47,250
I probably don't need to know
all the details.
608
00:37:48,416 --> 00:37:50,458
I probably don't need to know
all the details.
609
00:37:50,458 --> 00:37:52,791
- No, Morag helps me.
- Who's Morag?
610
00:37:52,791 --> 00:37:55,083
- She's my girlfriend.
- Oh, for goodness' sake!
611
00:37:55,083 --> 00:37:57,125
- What?
- You could have said "friend".
612
00:37:57,125 --> 00:38:00,458
Girlfriend? Boys have girlfriends.
613
00:38:00,458 --> 00:38:02,541
Now we have to explain the whole thing.
614
00:38:02,541 --> 00:38:05,208
Fine, I'll explain.
615
00:38:06,291 --> 00:38:10,166
- Do you know what a lesbian is?
- Is it someone from Lesbia?
616
00:38:10,166 --> 00:38:15,125
That's right, Mickey.
I am from the magical kingdom of Lesbia.
617
00:38:15,125 --> 00:38:17,625
You're just gonna confuse them
even more!
618
00:38:18,083 --> 00:38:23,250
Margaret! There's a wrong
apostrophe on the toilet signage!
619
00:38:24,458 --> 00:38:28,708
- What the hell? Newcastle.
- It's a vibrant, growing city
620
00:38:28,708 --> 00:38:33,458
- with a great... public transport hub.
- But it's hundreds of miles...
621
00:38:33,458 --> 00:38:35,458
The Tyne is the best salmon river
in Britain
622
00:38:35,458 --> 00:38:37,666
and otters have been seen in Gateshead.
623
00:38:37,666 --> 00:38:39,708
- Abi, listen.
- There's lots of castles.
624
00:38:40,083 --> 00:38:42,291
- Eh?
- Around Newcastle. Kids love castles.
625
00:38:42,291 --> 00:38:46,291
Bamburgh Castle, Dunstanburgh,
Alnwick, Holy Island.
626
00:38:46,291 --> 00:38:47,708
Is this job
with the Newcastle tourist board?
627
00:38:47,708 --> 00:38:50,000
- I'm just saying, it's...
- Abi, please.
628
00:38:51,375 --> 00:38:52,791
Please. Don't take them away.
629
00:38:57,208 --> 00:38:59,041
Margaret needs this heather.
630
00:39:00,875 --> 00:39:01,875
Margaret?
631
00:39:02,791 --> 00:39:03,791
Margaret?
632
00:39:17,625 --> 00:39:19,625
Granddad,
your mobile's turned off.
633
00:39:19,625 --> 00:39:21,166
Aye, that's the way I like it.
634
00:39:21,833 --> 00:39:25,375
And the batteries are dead,
just to make sure.
635
00:39:26,541 --> 00:39:29,125
Oh, just look at that. Look at it.
636
00:39:36,250 --> 00:39:37,041
Bless you.
637
00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:38,708
Lovely manners.
638
00:39:39,916 --> 00:39:40,916
Can we drive for a bit?
639
00:39:41,375 --> 00:39:44,333
- Don't be stupid. Kids can't...
- Yes, you can drive.
640
00:39:44,333 --> 00:39:45,791
Mickey, toot the horn.
641
00:39:46,750 --> 00:39:48,166
Jess, you're the look-out.
642
00:39:48,166 --> 00:39:50,625
Stick your head out
and shout, "Look out!"
643
00:39:50,625 --> 00:39:53,583
- Look out!
- Lottie, you steer.
644
00:39:54,583 --> 00:39:57,000
What? But I... I can't...
645
00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:01,625
When I press this pedal on the floor
that makes it go, then it's down to you.
646
00:40:01,625 --> 00:40:02,625
What? But I...
647
00:40:05,208 --> 00:40:06,666
Left a bit. Left a bit.
648
00:40:06,666 --> 00:40:09,166
But it's not allowed.
I'm ten, I'm not insured.
649
00:40:09,166 --> 00:40:09,875
I don't care.
650
00:40:11,541 --> 00:40:13,958
That's good. Left, left. That's lovely.
651
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:19,041
- I don't think that...
- You need to live more and think less.
652
00:40:19,708 --> 00:40:23,041
- More right, more right! Oh!
- Lottie!
653
00:40:23,041 --> 00:40:25,666
Well done!
I've been trying to hit that for years.
654
00:40:25,666 --> 00:40:29,375
- What did it say?
- It said "Do not let children drive".
655
00:40:30,041 --> 00:40:32,500
*** Oh, Mother, can I go out to swim?
656
00:40:32,500 --> 00:40:34,541
*** Yes, my darling daughter
657
00:40:34,541 --> 00:40:36,583
*** Watch the boys don't see your bum
658
00:40:36,583 --> 00:40:38,666
*** Keep it well under the water
659
00:40:38,666 --> 00:40:41,041
*** Mother, can I go out to swim?
660
00:40:41,041 --> 00:40:43,125
*** Yes, my darling daughter
661
00:40:43,125 --> 00:40:45,375
*** Watch the boys don't see your bum
662
00:40:45,375 --> 00:40:47,833
*** Keep it well under the water
663
00:40:47,833 --> 00:40:49,541
*** Watch the boys don't see your bum
664
00:40:49,541 --> 00:40:51,416
*** Keep it well under the water ***
665
00:40:51,416 --> 00:40:52,416
Yay!
666
00:40:53,291 --> 00:40:54,541
Whoo-hoo!
667
00:40:54,541 --> 00:40:56,000
We might see a killer whale.
668
00:41:20,291 --> 00:41:22,208
Don't go on those rocks!
669
00:41:25,458 --> 00:41:27,750
I found a pebble!
670
00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:44,666
Is it nice being a lesbian?
671
00:41:46,583 --> 00:41:48,166
What the hell are you asking me for?
672
00:41:48,166 --> 00:41:51,791
I suppose it must be, otherwise
they wouldn't be one, would they?
673
00:41:53,833 --> 00:41:56,125
How do people know what they are?
674
00:41:56,750 --> 00:41:58,500
Well, they just kind of find out.
675
00:41:58,500 --> 00:42:02,833
We all find out eventually what we are.
Then the world has to lump it.
676
00:42:04,625 --> 00:42:06,708
Can lesbians make babies?
677
00:42:06,875 --> 00:42:09,666
Er... Well, er...
678
00:42:09,666 --> 00:42:12,375
Why don't you nip over there
and get some wood for the fire
679
00:42:12,375 --> 00:42:16,375
- at the old Viking burial mound?
- That's a Viking burial mound?
680
00:42:16,375 --> 00:42:17,750
Yeah. So they say.
681
00:42:19,083 --> 00:42:20,875
That's where I found the brooch.
682
00:42:29,958 --> 00:42:31,583
Are you OK, Granddad?
683
00:42:31,750 --> 00:42:33,875
Aye, indigestion, princess.
684
00:42:34,958 --> 00:42:37,541
I've had it all my life.
Don't chew enough.
685
00:42:37,541 --> 00:42:40,666
Granddad! I've lost my pebble.
686
00:42:42,708 --> 00:42:43,500
Right.
687
00:42:48,416 --> 00:42:52,208
I'll race you! Look out for jellyfish.
688
00:42:56,750 --> 00:42:59,875
- Is this official?
- Is what official?
689
00:43:00,291 --> 00:43:01,791
What it says on this rock.
690
00:43:02,833 --> 00:43:06,166
"Keep off. F and G's beach."
691
00:43:06,166 --> 00:43:07,291
Oh, God.
692
00:43:08,458 --> 00:43:09,666
I carved that.
693
00:43:10,541 --> 00:43:15,041
Well, I helped. Actually I didn't do
all that much, I was only small.
694
00:43:15,208 --> 00:43:17,625
- Frazer did most of it.
- Who's Frazer?
695
00:43:18,666 --> 00:43:20,916
He was my big brother.
He died in the war.
696
00:43:20,916 --> 00:43:22,083
In Afghanistan?
697
00:43:22,083 --> 00:43:25,083
No, he was fighting
a very stupid man called Hitler
698
00:43:25,083 --> 00:43:27,125
who wanted to take everybody's land.
699
00:43:27,125 --> 00:43:31,500
- Like Monopoly?
- Aye, just like Monopoly.
700
00:43:31,958 --> 00:43:33,625
Except with more screaming.
701
00:43:33,875 --> 00:43:36,500
Anyway, Frazer used to bring me here,
702
00:43:36,500 --> 00:43:38,083
- taught me how to swim.
- How did he die?
703
00:43:38,416 --> 00:43:40,333
Someone made a terrible mistake.
704
00:43:40,333 --> 00:43:42,875
A pilot thought
Frazer's platoon were Germans.
705
00:43:43,208 --> 00:43:44,458
Where's he buried?
706
00:43:45,458 --> 00:43:46,708
He isn't buried anywhere.
707
00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:48,750
I know about dying.
708
00:43:49,541 --> 00:43:50,291
Right.
709
00:43:50,291 --> 00:43:56,333
Cos of Bambi's mum and Babar's dad
and Simba's dad and Nigel.
710
00:43:58,041 --> 00:44:01,375
- Our next-door neighbour.
- I don't think this is my pebble.
711
00:44:01,375 --> 00:44:03,708
Oh, it definitely is.
I'd recognise it anywhere.
712
00:44:03,958 --> 00:44:06,333
Let's go, little beavers!
More driftwood.
713
00:44:12,166 --> 00:44:16,541
- Can we bury you, Granddad?
- Oh, no, that sand gets everywhere.
714
00:44:16,541 --> 00:44:18,708
I definitely don't want to be buried,
thank you.
715
00:44:18,708 --> 00:44:20,958
- Not even when you die?
- Jess!
716
00:44:20,958 --> 00:44:23,625
Well, that's what happens
when someone dies.
717
00:44:23,625 --> 00:44:26,333
You bury them
and then everyone eats cake.
718
00:44:26,583 --> 00:44:29,708
- That's right, isn't it, Granddad?
- Absolutely, sweetheart.
719
00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:32,541
I've never seen
the point of funerals myself.
720
00:44:32,541 --> 00:44:35,083
Nice people
all standing around in the kirk
721
00:44:35,083 --> 00:44:38,375
while the priest tells a pack of lies
about what a great man you were.
722
00:44:38,791 --> 00:44:41,375
Nah, put me out with the recycling.
723
00:44:41,375 --> 00:44:44,541
Purple bin, isn't it,
for plastics and dead granddads?
724
00:44:46,041 --> 00:44:49,166
Oh, come on, it's only a joke.
725
00:44:49,458 --> 00:44:52,416
No, if I had to choose
a kind of funeral,
726
00:44:52,416 --> 00:44:55,625
just give me a good old Viking funeral,
like my ancestors.
727
00:44:56,083 --> 00:44:59,791
Just stick me on a burning boat
and float me out to sea.
728
00:45:00,583 --> 00:45:04,791
No stupid family fights,
no stupid rows about who gets what
729
00:45:04,791 --> 00:45:09,291
or who does what.
Just a warrior's farewell.
730
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:12,916
Can we go out
and catch some fish to cook it?
731
00:45:12,916 --> 00:45:15,416
Yeah, get some crabs while you're there.
732
00:45:16,750 --> 00:45:18,500
There are sandwiches in the pick-up,
aren't there?
733
00:45:19,208 --> 00:45:21,333
Yeah, but you can't hunt sandwiches,
can you?
734
00:45:22,125 --> 00:45:24,625
The water won't be cold,
will it, Granddad?
735
00:45:24,625 --> 00:45:26,791
Course not, it's only
the North Atlantic.
736
00:45:26,791 --> 00:45:28,208
Why on Earth would it be cold?
737
00:45:32,958 --> 00:45:35,166
It's freezing!
738
00:45:37,708 --> 00:45:39,458
You lied to us!
739
00:45:46,458 --> 00:45:48,875
Look, you've got to pat it down
like this.
740
00:45:48,875 --> 00:45:52,375
- I'm decorating it.
- That's after.
741
00:45:53,250 --> 00:45:54,833
Are you OK back there?
742
00:45:54,833 --> 00:45:58,000
Aye, I'm grand,
apart from the sand up my arse.
743
00:45:59,500 --> 00:46:02,583
Oh, look. Look up there,
it's the osprey.
744
00:46:03,333 --> 00:46:05,791
Oh, look at that.
745
00:46:05,791 --> 00:46:07,416
It's just a bird.
746
00:46:07,416 --> 00:46:09,458
17 years
she's been coming back.
747
00:46:09,583 --> 00:46:11,541
Flown all the way from Africa.
748
00:46:11,541 --> 00:46:16,416
You can't really lay a egg in Africa
cos you'll get a fried egg.
749
00:46:16,833 --> 00:46:20,375
- How far is Africa?
- About eight million miles away.
750
00:46:20,375 --> 00:46:21,916
That's rubbish, isn't it, Granddad?
751
00:46:27,250 --> 00:46:28,500
Hey, Granddad.
752
00:46:29,583 --> 00:46:31,083
Perhaps he's asleep.
753
00:46:34,541 --> 00:46:35,541
Granddad?
754
00:46:43,750 --> 00:46:44,500
Granddad?
755
00:46:46,208 --> 00:46:48,000
Granddad! That wasn't funny!
756
00:46:49,166 --> 00:46:51,541
- Well, it was quite funny.
- No, it wasn't.
757
00:46:51,541 --> 00:46:54,041
It was funnier than monkeys!
758
00:46:59,500 --> 00:47:01,208
Mum and Dad lie so much.
759
00:47:01,791 --> 00:47:03,375
I just don't trust them any more.
760
00:47:04,583 --> 00:47:05,708
They make me so angry.
761
00:47:07,375 --> 00:47:10,208
Well, I used to feel like that
about my lot, too.
762
00:47:10,208 --> 00:47:11,708
Until I suddenly realised
763
00:47:11,708 --> 00:47:14,291
there was no point in being angry
with people I loved
764
00:47:14,291 --> 00:47:15,750
for being what they are.
765
00:47:16,208 --> 00:47:19,666
I mean, so what if your dad
is a complete and utter bloody shambles?
766
00:47:20,833 --> 00:47:23,500
Or your Uncle Gavin's
a bit of a tight-arse?
767
00:47:24,416 --> 00:47:27,666
All that social climbing!
He can't help himself
768
00:47:28,416 --> 00:47:32,333
any more than his wife can help
being scared of her own shadow
769
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:35,166
or your mum can help
being a bit mouthy.
770
00:47:35,958 --> 00:47:39,166
The truth is,
every human being on this planet
771
00:47:39,166 --> 00:47:41,916
is ridiculous in their own way.
772
00:47:42,916 --> 00:47:45,291
So we shouldn't judge
and we shouldn't fight,
773
00:47:45,291 --> 00:47:46,958
because in the end...
774
00:47:49,541 --> 00:47:50,541
In the end,
775
00:47:51,875 --> 00:47:55,291
none of it matters, none of this stuff.
776
00:47:57,458 --> 00:48:00,541
Lottie, this shell's got legs!
777
00:48:00,541 --> 00:48:02,875
It's OK, it'll be a hermit crab.
778
00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:40,416
Frazer? What are you doing here?
779
00:48:43,083 --> 00:48:46,000
Oh... I get it.
780
00:48:46,666 --> 00:48:48,958
Are you coming in for a swim,
you big Mary?
781
00:49:15,958 --> 00:49:18,875
Hey, Granddad, can we cook this crab?
782
00:49:18,875 --> 00:49:22,500
Or will it be unfair on the beach?
I can put it back if you want or...
783
00:49:25,291 --> 00:49:29,291
Oh, Granddad. Stop mucking around.
784
00:49:29,583 --> 00:49:31,125
I'm not falling for that again.
785
00:49:45,583 --> 00:49:49,500
Lottie! There's something not right
with Granddad.
786
00:49:51,541 --> 00:49:54,125
Oh, he's just doing
that stupid joke again.
787
00:49:54,625 --> 00:49:55,625
Come on, Granddad.
788
00:50:01,750 --> 00:50:02,750
Granddad?
789
00:50:04,541 --> 00:50:05,541
Granddad.
790
00:50:06,666 --> 00:50:07,666
Granddad?
791
00:50:10,416 --> 00:50:11,750
I think he might be dead.
792
00:50:23,541 --> 00:50:24,500
He's not breathing.
793
00:50:26,791 --> 00:50:28,166
I'm gonna check his pulse.
794
00:50:29,916 --> 00:50:32,000
They taught us this in Brownies.
795
00:50:51,375 --> 00:50:52,541
Granddad's got no pulse
796
00:50:52,541 --> 00:50:57,166
and we better get back
to tell everyone he's died.
797
00:50:57,333 --> 00:51:02,083
Such bad luck.
Dying just before your birthday party.
798
00:51:02,833 --> 00:51:05,083
Come on. The grown-ups
will know what to do.
799
00:51:05,083 --> 00:51:07,458
- They'll just argue.
- Hey?
800
00:51:07,458 --> 00:51:10,083
They'll argue and fight,
like Granddad said.
801
00:51:12,041 --> 00:51:13,583
And he said he didn't want that.
802
00:51:14,333 --> 00:51:19,750
If we leave him, he might get eaten
by badgers and seals and puffins.
803
00:51:19,750 --> 00:51:23,125
You go back, Lottie.
We'll stay here and guard Granddad.
804
00:51:23,333 --> 00:51:24,833
You're sure you'll be OK with that?
805
00:51:26,125 --> 00:51:28,291
Well, that's very brave
and grown-up of you.
806
00:51:28,291 --> 00:51:30,958
Do you think it'll be all right
if I can have the Swiss roll?
807
00:51:30,958 --> 00:51:32,291
I think that'll be all right.
808
00:51:32,583 --> 00:51:35,708
We won't eat Granddad's,
just in case.
809
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:38,625
I won't be long! Be sensible!
810
00:51:59,625 --> 00:52:05,083
I read in a newspaper article that
said when people had stopped breathing,
811
00:52:05,083 --> 00:52:07,916
when people's heart stopped,
they die
812
00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:12,541
and then when they die, they felt
themselves leave their bodies
813
00:52:12,541 --> 00:52:16,833
and they find themselves
hovering their own bodies
814
00:52:16,833 --> 00:52:19,125
and looking down on people.
815
00:52:36,541 --> 00:52:38,166
You said it'd be
a small family gathering.
816
00:52:38,166 --> 00:52:40,166
- It's more like Glastonbury.
- Don't exaggerate.
817
00:52:40,166 --> 00:52:44,833
- Parading Dad. "Meet my dad..."
- Dad knows these people, OK?
818
00:52:44,833 --> 00:52:46,791
- You should give him what he wants.
- He's very ill.
819
00:52:46,791 --> 00:52:50,333
He doesn't know what he wants.
We have to make decisions for him.
820
00:52:50,375 --> 00:52:52,000
But you wouldn't know about that,
would you?
821
00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:54,041
- Cos you're never here.
- Oh...
822
00:52:54,041 --> 00:52:59,333
This is going to be a reasonable-sized
gathering to celebrate Dad's life.
823
00:52:59,333 --> 00:53:02,583
Where have you booked for the funeral?
Westminster Abbey? The O2 Arena?
824
00:53:03,000 --> 00:53:04,458
- Shh! Yeah, Leon, I'm just...
- Who's that?
825
00:53:04,458 --> 00:53:07,291
Oh, Leon?
Geordie Leon? My kids' new dad?
826
00:53:07,291 --> 00:53:10,708
- Oh! Hello, Leon!
- You pathetic child!
827
00:53:10,708 --> 00:53:12,916
- Mum...
- Leon is my new boss.
828
00:53:12,916 --> 00:53:15,125
The man I'm screwing is called Wallace.
829
00:53:17,208 --> 00:53:19,708
Wallace? Do the kids know?
830
00:53:19,708 --> 00:53:22,625
- I'll tell them when it's time.
- Does he have a dog called Gromit?
831
00:53:22,625 --> 00:53:23,875
Here come the stupid jokes.
832
00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:20,500
- She ate Granddad's Swiss roll.
- I didn't mean to!
833
00:54:20,500 --> 00:54:22,541
- It was a accident.
- It wasn't an accident.
834
00:54:22,541 --> 00:54:24,708
- It doesn't matter.
- Where are the grown-ups?
835
00:54:26,500 --> 00:54:28,333
Fighting. Mickey was right.
836
00:54:28,916 --> 00:54:31,000
They can't be trusted
to do what Granddad wanted.
837
00:54:32,041 --> 00:54:32,958
So we're gonna do it.
838
00:54:33,500 --> 00:54:35,125
We're gonna give him
the funeral he wanted.
839
00:54:35,125 --> 00:54:37,250
- A Viking one?
- Yeah.
840
00:54:37,250 --> 00:54:39,833
- Cool.
- Where will we find a Viking boat?
841
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:43,208
There's one in York.
842
00:54:43,208 --> 00:54:45,958
But I'm not sure
the museum will lend it to us
843
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:47,583
if we tell them we're gonna burn it.
844
00:54:48,291 --> 00:54:50,916
Right, now listen,
we've all got to work together.
845
00:54:51,333 --> 00:54:53,875
- This is our present to Granddad.
- Shotgun the matches!
846
00:54:59,916 --> 00:55:00,916
Margaret!
847
00:55:09,333 --> 00:55:11,791
That's drop-off point B. Turn around.
848
00:55:16,750 --> 00:55:19,750
So it won't be
a proper Viking longboat then?
849
00:55:19,750 --> 00:55:21,958
- No, it'll be a raft.
- How are we gonna move it?
850
00:55:22,125 --> 00:55:23,958
We'll put it in Granddad's car.
851
00:55:23,958 --> 00:55:26,625
- But we can't drive.
- Yes, we can.
852
00:55:31,166 --> 00:55:33,958
Mickey, you push the pedal
and I'll do the wheel.
853
00:55:38,041 --> 00:55:39,916
I think we need to do
something with this.
854
00:55:39,916 --> 00:55:42,916
Which one should I do?
One, two, three or R?
855
00:55:42,916 --> 00:55:45,583
- One.
- I think we should go with R
856
00:55:45,708 --> 00:55:49,166
because we want the car
to go...
857
00:55:49,750 --> 00:55:53,666
I'm gonna do one. Do you think
we'll get into trouble for this?
858
00:55:53,791 --> 00:55:55,666
The grown-ups
might be annoyed at first,
859
00:55:55,666 --> 00:55:58,458
but once we tell them
this is what Granddad wanted...
860
00:55:59,541 --> 00:56:00,708
Do the pedal again!
861
00:56:05,916 --> 00:56:08,916
The car sounds a bit annoyed!
862
00:56:08,916 --> 00:56:11,625
- How's that?
- Do I do left or right?
863
00:56:11,833 --> 00:56:14,000
Right. No!
864
00:56:15,416 --> 00:56:17,708
I'm not wearing a seat belt!
865
00:56:20,541 --> 00:56:22,875
A bit more. Turn a bit harder.
866
00:56:24,166 --> 00:56:25,458
Is that better?
867
00:56:30,750 --> 00:56:32,916
How are we going to get that
in the back?
868
00:56:34,333 --> 00:56:37,208
I've used every knot I know back there.
869
00:56:37,541 --> 00:56:39,208
Granddad said the tide's coming in,
870
00:56:39,625 --> 00:56:41,208
so if we leave the car
at the edge of the sea...
871
00:56:41,208 --> 00:56:43,041
Whoa! This is bumpy!
872
00:56:45,583 --> 00:56:47,875
Jess, shout when it's at the edge.
873
00:56:49,375 --> 00:56:50,375
Edge!
874
00:56:54,291 --> 00:56:56,625
- Oh, for God's sake!
- Yay! We did it!
875
00:56:57,125 --> 00:57:01,041
- Do you think we should lock it?
- Yes, we don't want it getting stolen.
876
00:57:03,500 --> 00:57:05,708
To be a proper Viking funeral,
877
00:57:05,708 --> 00:57:09,416
it's crucial that you need to take
his favourite things to heaven.
878
00:57:09,416 --> 00:57:10,416
I thought of that.
879
00:57:14,458 --> 00:57:17,166
Oh, his Scotland shirt. Brilliant!
880
00:57:21,500 --> 00:57:24,333
- Granddad! He's alive!
- Granddad!
881
00:57:24,333 --> 00:57:26,416
Wake up! Come on, Granddad!
882
00:57:26,416 --> 00:57:28,625
Wake up, Granddad!
883
00:57:29,458 --> 00:57:30,458
Granddad.
884
00:57:32,458 --> 00:57:33,458
Come on.
885
00:57:39,041 --> 00:57:40,041
He's cold.
886
00:57:43,500 --> 00:57:46,250
I think people do farts
after they're dead.
887
00:57:46,791 --> 00:57:52,333
I saw it on this programme
called The Real Silent Witness.
888
00:57:52,791 --> 00:57:56,833
- This woman said so.
- Are you sure?
889
00:57:57,166 --> 00:58:02,458
She was wearing a white coat.
She said dead people are full of gas.
890
00:58:05,583 --> 00:58:06,750
I'm scared.
891
00:58:09,083 --> 00:58:11,958
It's OK. It's only Granddad.
892
00:58:15,083 --> 00:58:18,291
He sort of died in battle
cos he was fighting cancer,
893
00:58:19,875 --> 00:58:21,375
so we'll give him a warrior's funeral.
894
00:58:57,958 --> 00:58:59,583
I didn't think this would work.
895
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:04,791
Well, it works at Stonehenge.
Druids moved huge rocks.
896
00:59:04,791 --> 00:59:08,250
Not granddads. So well done, my brain.
897
00:59:09,833 --> 00:59:11,958
I so can't wait to go back to school
898
00:59:12,208 --> 00:59:15,250
when we get to write about
what I did on our half term.
899
00:59:16,125 --> 00:59:19,500
But I bet Shona's done
something more interesting
900
00:59:19,500 --> 00:59:21,041
like she always has.
901
00:59:44,791 --> 00:59:45,791
Goodbye.
902
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:48,375
You were nice.
903
00:59:52,750 --> 00:59:54,958
Please accept my pebble.
904
01:00:14,666 --> 01:00:18,416
We are gathered here,
to remember Gordie McLeod.
905
01:00:19,791 --> 01:00:21,333
I'm sorry you died, Granddad.
906
01:00:24,500 --> 01:00:26,333
I liked having someone to talk to.
907
01:00:31,000 --> 01:00:32,625
Have a good Valhalla.
908
01:00:34,125 --> 01:00:35,125
Amen.
909
01:01:09,083 --> 01:01:10,666
He'd be so proud of us.
910
01:01:43,250 --> 01:01:45,750
We can do folk rock,
we can do country,
911
01:01:45,750 --> 01:01:48,708
we can do country folk rock,
indie folk rock.
912
01:01:50,208 --> 01:01:53,166
Oh, my goodness. Where have you been?
913
01:01:53,166 --> 01:01:55,000
- We need...
- I told Granddad seven.
914
01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:56,583
- But...
- Oh, you're all mucky.
915
01:01:56,583 --> 01:01:58,583
- Come on, bath time.
- But we need...
916
01:01:59,375 --> 01:02:01,458
Did I mention bluegrass?
We can do bluegrass.
917
01:02:01,458 --> 01:02:03,416
But not so fast
since Billy had his stroke.
918
01:02:03,500 --> 01:02:05,500
Chop chop, the party's starting soon.
919
01:02:05,500 --> 01:02:08,000
- I've laid your clothes out.
- Granddad died.
920
01:02:10,083 --> 01:02:11,500
- What?
- Granddad died.
921
01:02:11,500 --> 01:02:13,666
Oh, crikey, guys,
what time do you call this?
922
01:02:13,666 --> 01:02:16,750
Doug. They're saying Gordie's died.
923
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:21,250
Hallelujah. At last. So what have
you done with your granddad, eh?
924
01:02:21,583 --> 01:02:25,833
- Well...
- He died. On the beach.
925
01:02:26,500 --> 01:02:28,083
OK, I'm on it.
926
01:02:28,083 --> 01:02:30,375
- I shouldn't have let him...
- It's all right, love.
927
01:02:30,375 --> 01:02:32,500
Yes, ambulance, quickly,
please to, erm...
928
01:02:32,500 --> 01:02:35,291
- Lottie, where exactly is Granddad now?
- Out at sea.
929
01:02:37,875 --> 01:02:40,500
- Out at sea?
- And on fire.
930
01:02:43,250 --> 01:02:47,625
He wanted a Viking funeral,
so we built a raft, put the body on it,
931
01:02:47,666 --> 01:02:50,333
set it on fire
and floated him out to sea.
932
01:02:51,833 --> 01:02:52,958
Can you hold on a sec?
933
01:02:52,958 --> 01:02:57,083
Lottie. Stop being silly,
just tell us, where is Granddad?
934
01:02:57,083 --> 01:02:59,958
Ah, yeah. This is a wind-up.
935
01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:01,416
He's put you up to this, hasn't he?
936
01:03:01,416 --> 01:03:03,750
This is one of Granddad's
stupid jokes, isn't it?
937
01:03:03,916 --> 01:03:06,041
Well, he did do it as a joke
to pretend to die,
938
01:03:06,041 --> 01:03:08,750
but this time, it's not a joke.
939
01:03:10,833 --> 01:03:13,041
- Hello?
- Yes, er, yeah.
940
01:03:13,041 --> 01:03:17,125
We're just getting the details if you
could just show us a bit of patience.
941
01:03:17,125 --> 01:03:19,916
I know that you're going to tell me
exactly what happened.
942
01:03:19,916 --> 01:03:23,250
Well, I found lots of wood and...
943
01:03:23,250 --> 01:03:25,000
- Er...
...and I found lots of crabs.
944
01:03:25,000 --> 01:03:26,666
- Right...
- I lost my rock.
945
01:03:26,708 --> 01:03:30,166
- At the end of the day, I found it.
- But what happened to Granddad?
946
01:03:30,166 --> 01:03:35,000
There was a lady with a girlfriend
that lived with lots of pigs.
947
01:03:35,000 --> 01:03:36,750
- After the lady.
- She sweared a lot.
948
01:03:36,750 --> 01:03:39,458
- Back to Granddad.
- It's vital you tell the truth.
949
01:03:39,458 --> 01:03:41,625
- We do tell the truth.
- Keep it down.
950
01:03:41,708 --> 01:03:44,833
Nothing to do with the fish
or the crab or your stone, sweetie.
951
01:03:44,833 --> 01:03:45,833
Where is Granddad?
952
01:03:45,833 --> 01:03:47,958
If you listen, I'll tell you the story.
953
01:03:47,958 --> 01:03:50,333
- I know, darling, but faster.
- So will you listen?
954
01:03:51,416 --> 01:03:52,083
Hm-hmm.
955
01:03:52,083 --> 01:03:54,000
- Grandpa farted.
- Oh.
956
01:03:54,000 --> 01:03:57,750
Yes, we do still need an ambulance.
And the police.
957
01:03:59,166 --> 01:04:00,583
And possibly the coastguard.
958
01:04:01,500 --> 01:04:04,750
No, we don't need the fire brigade,
and I don't appreciate your tone.
959
01:04:04,750 --> 01:04:05,958
Well, he is on fire.
960
01:04:07,250 --> 01:04:09,916
- Quickly now.
- I found some fishes.
961
01:04:09,916 --> 01:04:13,291
- Yep, after...
- Lottie knocked over some signs.
962
01:04:13,291 --> 01:04:14,291
What happened next?
963
01:04:14,291 --> 01:04:18,041
Yes, it is an emergency, we just
don't know what sort of emergency.
964
01:04:18,041 --> 01:04:18,708
And then?
965
01:04:18,708 --> 01:04:22,416
I stopped the crows
from eating Grandpa.
966
01:04:23,208 --> 01:04:23,666
OK.
967
01:04:23,750 --> 01:04:26,666
I'm perfectly aware
that it is a criminal offence
968
01:04:26,666 --> 01:04:28,000
to make prank calls, but...
969
01:04:29,291 --> 01:04:31,666
She's hung up! 999 has hung up!
970
01:04:32,500 --> 01:04:34,000
Do we still have to have a bath?
971
01:04:34,500 --> 01:04:37,291
- Erm... Er, no.
- Yay!
972
01:04:37,291 --> 01:04:41,041
Car keys! Where the bloody hell
are the car keys?
973
01:04:41,458 --> 01:04:42,458
We'll take ours.
974
01:04:45,583 --> 01:04:49,166
Now then, I have some very important
cake-tasting needs done.
975
01:04:49,166 --> 01:04:51,625
Do I have any volunteers
to help me with that?
976
01:05:50,916 --> 01:05:54,208
- You stupid...
- Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.
977
01:05:54,208 --> 01:05:57,208
Come on. No, no! Whoa, whoa! All right!
978
01:05:57,208 --> 01:05:59,333
All right, all right, it's all right.
979
01:06:02,375 --> 01:06:03,375
It's OK. It's all right.
980
01:06:16,458 --> 01:06:17,916
Two, three, four.
981
01:06:33,166 --> 01:06:36,583
I don't believe this.
This is a bloody nightmare.
982
01:06:36,750 --> 01:06:39,291
Sir Donald, glad you could make it.
983
01:06:39,291 --> 01:06:41,291
A bloody total nightmare.
984
01:06:41,291 --> 01:06:44,166
Hughie. Good to see you.
985
01:06:45,083 --> 01:06:47,458
A bloody total nightmare.
986
01:06:47,458 --> 01:06:49,583
- Gavin, language. The children.
- Right, yeah.
987
01:06:49,583 --> 01:06:52,791
They can't hear "bloody"
but they can set fire to my father.
988
01:06:52,791 --> 01:06:55,166
We didn't hurt him. He was dead.
989
01:06:55,166 --> 01:06:58,541
- Let's hope so.
- For Christ's sake. They were...
990
01:06:58,541 --> 01:07:00,875
Someone best break it
to the ones who've arrived.
991
01:07:01,000 --> 01:07:03,833
- We just did what Granddad wanted.
- He didn't want this.
992
01:07:03,833 --> 01:07:07,333
He wanted to be cremated. Don't say it.
I'm looking for someone to punch
993
01:07:07,333 --> 01:07:09,041
- and your children are too small!
- Enough!
994
01:07:17,416 --> 01:07:18,416
Odin.
995
01:07:21,791 --> 01:07:24,625
Excuse me. Excuse me!
996
01:07:30,250 --> 01:07:31,375
Sorry, no photos.
997
01:07:31,375 --> 01:07:32,375
Thank you all so much for coming.
998
01:07:33,375 --> 01:07:37,291
Gordie would be pleased to see so many
of his friends gathered together.
999
01:07:39,208 --> 01:07:41,041
Except sadly,
1000
01:07:42,083 --> 01:07:44,666
Gordie can't be pleased because...
1001
01:07:46,875 --> 01:07:49,458
he passed away today.
1002
01:07:52,250 --> 01:07:53,250
We think.
1003
01:07:54,583 --> 01:07:58,750
W-W-We're fairly certain he has.
1004
01:08:02,083 --> 01:08:05,291
Anyway,
I know you won't feel like dancing,
1005
01:08:05,291 --> 01:08:09,750
but do please have a drink
and make yourselves at home.
1006
01:08:10,625 --> 01:08:11,916
Jimmy Cazerotto?
1007
01:08:12,666 --> 01:08:13,666
Margaret!
1008
01:08:13,791 --> 01:08:17,375
- We thought you were in New Zealand.
- Where is the old bastard? Huh?
1009
01:08:20,416 --> 01:08:23,500
- Jimmy, I'm Abi.
- What?
1010
01:08:51,666 --> 01:08:53,750
Where's Kenneth?
He's supposed to be...
1011
01:08:54,625 --> 01:08:58,916
- Aha! You took your time, Murdo.
- It's Andy Mackay's stag night.
1012
01:08:59,250 --> 01:09:00,875
A dwarf got thrown through a window.
1013
01:09:02,333 --> 01:09:05,833
- This is Agnes Chisholm.
- From the Child Welfare Unit.
1014
01:09:05,833 --> 01:09:07,916
I'll require a room for interviews.
1015
01:09:08,041 --> 01:09:11,166
I found this child outside.
Unaccompanied.
1016
01:09:11,166 --> 01:09:13,166
Yeah, that's my son.
1017
01:09:16,458 --> 01:09:17,333
Thank you.
1018
01:09:17,541 --> 01:09:20,625
Why have they called the police?
We've done nothing wrong.
1019
01:09:20,625 --> 01:09:22,458
Please do exactly as I ask.
1020
01:09:22,458 --> 01:09:24,750
There is a procedure
for this kind of situation.
1021
01:09:26,375 --> 01:09:28,041
- There is?
- Oh, yes.
1022
01:09:28,916 --> 01:09:30,666
So he's at peace.
1023
01:09:30,666 --> 01:09:32,250
At... At peace.
1024
01:09:32,875 --> 01:09:35,666
Can I see him one last time?
1025
01:09:37,250 --> 01:09:40,000
I've come all the way
from New Zealand, you know.
1026
01:09:41,166 --> 01:09:44,083
I'm afraid that's not possible, Jimmy.
1027
01:09:44,833 --> 01:09:48,083
It's not... not... possible.
1028
01:09:53,125 --> 01:09:57,083
Sir Donald.
Very sorry about this, Sir Donald.
1029
01:09:59,208 --> 01:10:00,375
It's funny, this morning...
1030
01:10:00,375 --> 01:10:06,083
And we think...
we think that's what happened
1031
01:10:06,958 --> 01:10:08,708
but obviously, that's...
1032
01:10:09,000 --> 01:10:10,708
That's what?
1033
01:10:12,416 --> 01:10:15,083
Confidential.
1034
01:10:16,166 --> 01:10:20,791
That the kids burnt his body
and floated him out to sea?
1035
01:10:29,708 --> 01:10:33,375
Er, yes, well, the kids, erm...
1036
01:10:34,791 --> 01:10:35,791
They're from London.
1037
01:10:38,125 --> 01:10:40,208
So, thank you for that, Jess.
1038
01:10:40,208 --> 01:10:41,458
And if it's OK with you,
1039
01:10:41,458 --> 01:10:45,500
I'll just keep this lovely drawing
I asked you to do of the three of you
1040
01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:47,916
setting fire to your grandpa.
1041
01:10:48,833 --> 01:10:52,166
- Do you want to put it on your fridge?
- No. That's not...
1042
01:10:52,458 --> 01:10:56,625
There wasn't exactly
a unicorn on the beach
1043
01:10:56,625 --> 01:10:58,375
but I just got bored.
1044
01:10:58,666 --> 01:11:00,500
Perhaps we could hang on to the picture.
1045
01:11:00,666 --> 01:11:03,958
It will be returned to you
when the investigation's completed.
1046
01:11:04,083 --> 01:11:04,958
Can I go now?
1047
01:11:05,166 --> 01:11:08,458
- I was halfway through a Cheese String.
- OK.
1048
01:11:13,375 --> 01:11:17,916
So she holds her breath
quite often, does she?
1049
01:11:36,416 --> 01:11:41,750
So, Mickey, the idea
for the special funeral,
1050
01:11:42,291 --> 01:11:44,541
- who did that come from?
- Odin.
1051
01:11:47,166 --> 01:11:48,166
Odin?
1052
01:11:48,166 --> 01:11:52,291
He walks the Earth with one eye
and a big hat and an eight-legged horse
1053
01:11:52,291 --> 01:11:55,125
disguised as a traveller
to see if people's nice to him
1054
01:11:55,291 --> 01:11:56,666
and he's here now.
1055
01:11:56,833 --> 01:12:02,166
So, Odin, the Norse god,
is currently here
1056
01:12:02,166 --> 01:12:04,125
with an eight-legged horse?
1057
01:12:15,000 --> 01:12:17,416
Ach, sod it, lads. Let's call it a day.
1058
01:12:28,000 --> 01:12:29,625
Kenneth! Kenneth!
1059
01:12:29,958 --> 01:12:31,250
Where the hell is he?
1060
01:12:35,416 --> 01:12:37,958
Is this an effective use
of police resources?
1061
01:12:38,625 --> 01:12:41,625
Shouldn't you be out
looking for evidence of my father?
1062
01:12:41,625 --> 01:12:43,166
We haven't got a submarine.
1063
01:12:43,333 --> 01:12:46,708
Oh. Jokes is it now?
1064
01:12:47,750 --> 01:12:50,333
Make it bigger! Bigger!
1065
01:12:50,333 --> 01:12:52,250
Don't stress, I'm trying.
1066
01:12:52,583 --> 01:12:53,666
This isn't cats.
1067
01:12:53,666 --> 01:12:55,916
It's something
Kenneth's been watching.
1068
01:12:55,916 --> 01:12:58,458
Don't just press buttons at random.
1069
01:13:07,666 --> 01:13:08,750
Is that the YouTube thing?
1070
01:13:10,208 --> 01:13:13,750
I've thought of a joke.
A very funny joke. Yeah.
1071
01:13:15,875 --> 01:13:17,791
I make an official complaint
1072
01:13:18,458 --> 01:13:21,791
to your Chief Superintendent
who happens to be a friend of mine
1073
01:13:21,791 --> 01:13:27,458
who happens to be in my house right now
as a guest, so...
1074
01:13:31,916 --> 01:13:35,000
So, Lottie,
when your granddad passed away...
1075
01:13:37,208 --> 01:13:40,291
Ten to four. Approximately.
1076
01:13:41,750 --> 01:13:43,583
That's a pretty wee notebook.
1077
01:13:44,375 --> 01:13:46,416
What sort of things do you put in that?
1078
01:13:47,125 --> 01:13:50,333
Thoughts, facts, information.
1079
01:13:51,458 --> 01:13:52,625
Lies that I get told.
1080
01:13:52,625 --> 01:13:54,416
Could I possibly have a look at that?
1081
01:14:00,625 --> 01:14:03,041
Do you think
I could hang on to this for a bit?
1082
01:14:03,041 --> 01:14:05,541
Is that really necessary?
Why would...
1083
01:14:06,041 --> 01:14:07,458
Why would you need to hang on to it?
1084
01:14:07,875 --> 01:14:11,041
You're not thinking of...
removing us anywhere, are you?
1085
01:14:11,166 --> 01:14:14,875
Don't be silly, darling. This lady's
not here to do that. Are you?
1086
01:14:15,166 --> 01:14:17,708
At this stage,
I'm just making an assessment.
1087
01:14:26,333 --> 01:14:28,000
God, what is she doing?
1088
01:14:35,583 --> 01:14:37,375
I take it you hadn't seen this,
Mr McLeod.
1089
01:14:37,458 --> 01:14:38,791
No charges were brought.
1090
01:14:38,916 --> 01:14:42,000
No, the staff at the mini mart
were very good about it.
1091
01:14:43,041 --> 01:14:46,875
Everyone... you know,
understood that your wife was,
1092
01:14:47,333 --> 01:14:50,208
you know, adversely affected
by her medication.
1093
01:14:52,083 --> 01:14:55,583
- Medication?
- Yeah, the anti-depressants.
1094
01:14:57,291 --> 01:14:58,291
For the depression.
1095
01:15:02,541 --> 01:15:04,041
It's not your night, is it?
1096
01:15:07,041 --> 01:15:08,666
Who fancies a dram?
1097
01:15:10,416 --> 01:15:11,625
I'm taking orders.
1098
01:15:12,625 --> 01:15:15,375
I've got Glengoyne or Glenmorangie.
1099
01:15:19,000 --> 01:15:20,708
It's finished. Play it again.
1100
01:15:20,875 --> 01:15:23,166
Oh, for Christ's sake! Kids!
1101
01:15:30,750 --> 01:15:31,750
Everything all right?
1102
01:15:32,458 --> 01:15:35,541
Please don't go anywhere
without notifying me, will you?
1103
01:15:47,791 --> 01:15:48,791
Has something happened?
1104
01:16:12,916 --> 01:16:15,916
Why is the knives and forks so loud?
1105
01:16:16,666 --> 01:16:17,666
Oh!
1106
01:16:19,875 --> 01:16:23,291
- Have you ever read Lottie's notebook?
- No. Have you?
1107
01:16:23,291 --> 01:16:24,166
No.
1108
01:16:25,333 --> 01:16:26,625
Well, not... not much.
1109
01:16:27,333 --> 01:16:29,500
She writes down everything.
1110
01:16:29,500 --> 01:16:30,791
Hey, sleep OK, sweetheart?
1111
01:16:34,000 --> 01:16:37,416
And now intervention woman's got it.
1112
01:16:37,708 --> 01:16:40,208
- Intervention?
- That's the word she keeps using.
1113
01:16:43,791 --> 01:16:45,458
I think maybe we should get a lawyer.
1114
01:16:45,666 --> 01:16:48,083
Another lawyer? They've been great
at calming things down.
1115
01:16:48,833 --> 01:16:51,500
The important thing is
not to antagonise her.
1116
01:16:51,666 --> 01:16:53,250
- We just need to...
- Good morning.
1117
01:16:53,250 --> 01:16:54,166
Morning.
1118
01:16:55,583 --> 01:16:57,041
Jesus, no, no!
1119
01:16:59,291 --> 01:17:00,708
For God's sake, Kenneth!
1120
01:17:04,416 --> 01:17:06,291
How did they find us so fast?
1121
01:17:06,291 --> 01:17:09,000
That'll be that bloody Donny Mackay.
1122
01:17:10,625 --> 01:17:12,958
He'll do anything
to fill his bloody guest house.
1123
01:17:15,041 --> 01:17:16,708
Oh, what's the point?
1124
01:17:17,083 --> 01:17:19,041
No one gets to keep
any secrets any more.
1125
01:17:19,041 --> 01:17:20,583
Well, you can say that again.
1126
01:17:21,250 --> 01:17:24,500
No one gets to keep
any secrets any more.
1127
01:17:26,458 --> 01:17:27,458
Bloody vultures!
1128
01:17:28,416 --> 01:17:30,916
Why can't Scotland have
a law of trespass like a real country?
1129
01:17:30,916 --> 01:17:34,000
Oh, Lord.
It's Little Miss Sunshine.
1130
01:17:34,458 --> 01:17:37,291
- Oh, Christ. Just be...
- Be what?
1131
01:17:37,291 --> 01:17:39,250
Just be... You know...
1132
01:17:44,458 --> 01:17:47,041
I came through the back lane
to evade all the media.
1133
01:17:47,041 --> 01:17:48,833
Well, thank you.
1134
01:17:51,583 --> 01:17:52,166
May I come in?
1135
01:17:52,166 --> 01:17:53,166
- Of course.
- Why?
1136
01:17:53,541 --> 01:17:55,208
- I'm sorry?
- Why do you want to come in?
1137
01:17:55,375 --> 01:17:58,041
- Abi, she's just...
- I need more information.
1138
01:17:58,041 --> 01:17:59,125
What sort of information?
1139
01:17:59,250 --> 01:18:03,041
Information to help assess
which of the range of outcomes...
1140
01:18:03,041 --> 01:18:07,291
- Outcomes? What outcomes?
- Outcomes, Abi.
1141
01:18:07,291 --> 01:18:09,583
A range of outcomes
from intervention to...
1142
01:18:09,583 --> 01:18:10,750
There! She said it.
1143
01:18:10,750 --> 01:18:13,791
I could involve the police
in this conversation.
1144
01:18:13,791 --> 01:18:15,583
You can come in when I get an assurance
1145
01:18:15,583 --> 01:18:18,166
that there is no possibility
of you taking away my kids.
1146
01:18:18,166 --> 01:18:21,208
- Abi.
- As I was in the process of saying...
1147
01:18:21,208 --> 01:18:23,500
- I'll take that as a no, then.
- Abi!
1148
01:18:24,208 --> 01:18:26,291
Jesus. Look at this.
1149
01:18:27,291 --> 01:18:28,500
Look at it. Look.
1150
01:18:29,875 --> 01:18:31,583
We're front page of
the Daily Mail as well.
1151
01:18:32,125 --> 01:18:33,708
- Thank you, Kenneth.
- And the Express.
1152
01:18:33,875 --> 01:18:36,375
- Kenneth, that's enough.
- "Feral Children Sacrifice..."
1153
01:18:36,375 --> 01:18:40,000
Kenneth! We can do without
the bloody rolling bulletin!
1154
01:18:40,000 --> 01:18:42,041
- Thank you.
- We need to deal with this.
1155
01:18:42,041 --> 01:18:44,916
- It's not helpful.
- I'm trying to be informative.
1156
01:18:44,916 --> 01:18:45,791
Kenneth!
1157
01:18:53,666 --> 01:18:56,916
Look, Gavin,
about the supermarket episode...
1158
01:18:56,916 --> 01:19:00,416
There's nothing... helpful
to be said about that.
1159
01:19:02,250 --> 01:19:07,666
- Ah, I was wondering...
- I'd like my notebook back.
1160
01:19:07,666 --> 01:19:11,583
I'm sorry, Lottie, I'm only permitted to
talk to you in an interview situation.
1161
01:19:13,208 --> 01:19:17,250
Actually, could I just nip in
and use your phone for a moment?
1162
01:19:24,666 --> 01:19:26,416
But the Prime Minister
has tweeted
1163
01:19:26,416 --> 01:19:28,958
that the incident is the symptom
of a broken society.
1164
01:19:32,666 --> 01:19:36,166
Don't worry, Dad, I told you,
Odin will sort all this out.
1165
01:19:36,166 --> 01:19:37,500
Mickey, you didn't see Odin.
1166
01:19:37,500 --> 01:19:39,750
Miss Pringle said that she saw Jesus
1167
01:19:39,750 --> 01:19:42,083
and if she can see Jesus,
I can see Odin.
1168
01:19:42,083 --> 01:19:44,208
You didn't see Odin!
There is no Odin.
1169
01:19:44,791 --> 01:19:45,916
This is the real world.
1170
01:19:47,333 --> 01:19:49,750
We're on television!
1171
01:19:52,875 --> 01:19:54,333
The three children
from this family
1172
01:19:54,333 --> 01:19:56,250
who cannot be named
for legal reasons...
1173
01:19:56,250 --> 01:19:59,166
- Oh!
...are inside the house.
1174
01:19:59,500 --> 01:20:02,000
- The police have announced...
- We can only confirm
1175
01:20:02,208 --> 01:20:05,000
that the body of a man
in his mid-seventies
1176
01:20:05,000 --> 01:20:10,125
was... destroyed and floated out to sea
1177
01:20:10,458 --> 01:20:11,916
possibly with some valuables.
1178
01:20:14,166 --> 01:20:15,041
Hi, there.
1179
01:20:15,041 --> 01:20:17,750
I forgot to put
the brooch in my drawing.
1180
01:20:17,750 --> 01:20:19,750
- Yes, it was.
- Brooch?
1181
01:20:19,750 --> 01:20:22,500
Granddad's Viking brooch.
We put it on the raft.
1182
01:20:22,500 --> 01:20:25,291
All Vikings went to Valhalla
with their treasure.
1183
01:20:26,208 --> 01:20:27,916
You morons!
1184
01:20:27,916 --> 01:20:30,083
Well, that's just rude.
1185
01:20:30,083 --> 01:20:32,500
You, stupid, stupid little...
1186
01:20:32,500 --> 01:20:35,458
- Whoa, whoa, enough!
- They've destroyed a family heirloom.
1187
01:20:35,458 --> 01:20:37,875
- Dad found it.
- It's worth **15,000.
1188
01:20:38,333 --> 01:20:40,041
- 15,000?
- I had it valued.
1189
01:20:41,458 --> 01:20:44,291
- Oh, I get it.
- What's that supposed to mean?
1190
01:20:44,291 --> 01:20:45,250
- Thinking ahead?
- Doug...
1191
01:20:45,250 --> 01:20:49,041
Thought we'd keep that secret
till after we divided up Dad's things?
1192
01:20:49,041 --> 01:20:53,166
I was going to announce it
as a surprise for his birthday.
1193
01:20:53,166 --> 01:20:56,333
Please! I'm glad
he's not here to listen to this.
1194
01:20:56,333 --> 01:20:58,958
He probably would be here
if it wasn't for your mental kids!
1195
01:20:58,958 --> 01:21:00,958
- It is not the kids' fault!
- That's right!
1196
01:21:00,958 --> 01:21:01,958
- It's his.
- What?
1197
01:21:02,416 --> 01:21:04,291
Lottie tried to get us to listen
1198
01:21:04,291 --> 01:21:07,125
and you were too busy having
an argument with your stupid brother.
1199
01:21:07,125 --> 01:21:10,583
- This isn't getting us anywhere.
- Oh, just go chuck a pumpkin!
1200
01:21:10,583 --> 01:21:12,458
- That's enough.
- It's not enough.
1201
01:21:12,458 --> 01:21:15,166
- Nothing's enough for you, is it?
- Stop!
1202
01:21:15,875 --> 01:21:20,625
Stop it now! This is exactly
what Granddad said would happen.
1203
01:21:21,333 --> 01:21:25,000
He wanted a Viking funeral so it would
give you all less to fight about.
1204
01:21:25,666 --> 01:21:29,083
He said no one should fight,
because at the end of the day,
1205
01:21:29,208 --> 01:21:32,583
it doesn't matter
if Uncle Gavin's a tight-arse
1206
01:21:32,583 --> 01:21:37,375
and Dad's a shambles
and Mum's a bit mouthy
1207
01:21:37,375 --> 01:21:42,416
and Auntie Margaret's...
something or other.
1208
01:21:43,500 --> 01:21:45,958
He said you mustn't mind about that
in the people you love.
1209
01:21:46,875 --> 01:21:51,958
Because... we're all... ridiculous,
and none of this matters.
1210
01:21:52,791 --> 01:21:56,916
Erm, well, I'm sorry, Gavin.
I shouldn't have said all that stuff.
1211
01:21:56,916 --> 01:22:02,041
No, no, it was me.
I didn't... I was being a...
1212
01:22:02,333 --> 01:22:04,250
Listen, kids. I'm really sorry, but...
1213
01:22:06,666 --> 01:22:09,208
Sometimes when adults
get a little bit upset,
1214
01:22:09,208 --> 01:22:10,416
they just become a...
1215
01:22:10,958 --> 01:22:11,958
Where's Mickey?
1216
01:22:12,791 --> 01:22:13,791
He's on there.
1217
01:22:14,458 --> 01:22:18,333
I'm fed up of being stuck inside.
I've come out to explain.
1218
01:22:18,333 --> 01:22:21,125
- Jesus!
- Tell them "no comment"!
1219
01:22:21,125 --> 01:22:22,583
Cos this is the real world.
1220
01:22:22,791 --> 01:22:25,750
Granddad stopped breathing
and then what happened...
1221
01:22:25,750 --> 01:22:27,916
That's enough, thank you.
1222
01:22:27,916 --> 01:22:31,000
- You best go back inside.
- I was trying to explain everything.
1223
01:22:31,500 --> 01:22:33,625
- Yeah, I know but...
- As it's all our fault,
1224
01:22:34,500 --> 01:22:36,500
I thought it might stop the shouting.
1225
01:22:38,666 --> 01:22:41,250
No, it's not all your fault.
Nothing's your fault.
1226
01:22:44,458 --> 01:22:45,666
You head inside, go on.
1227
01:22:48,500 --> 01:22:51,458
- We have no comment to make.
- Good. Straight bat.
1228
01:22:51,458 --> 01:22:52,458
You were on TV!
1229
01:22:52,916 --> 01:22:55,000
We have no comment to make
at this juncture.
1230
01:22:55,000 --> 01:22:57,583
Mr McLeod,
can you confirm reports?
1231
01:22:58,083 --> 01:23:02,125
Except to say... you should
all be ashamed of yourselves.
1232
01:23:02,125 --> 01:23:04,166
- What's he doing?
- You're a disgrace!
1233
01:23:04,375 --> 01:23:05,250
Don't provoke them!
1234
01:23:05,250 --> 01:23:08,291
You have guidelines.
My son is six years old!
1235
01:23:08,291 --> 01:23:09,500
Then why's he wandering about alone?
1236
01:23:11,166 --> 01:23:13,875
He was... We have no further comment.
1237
01:23:13,875 --> 01:23:16,583
Why were young children left
in the care of an elderly, sick man?
1238
01:23:17,041 --> 01:23:19,458
- Mr McLeod, over here!
- Well...
1239
01:23:19,458 --> 01:23:22,750
We... we did deliberate over that.
1240
01:23:22,750 --> 01:23:23,875
Walk away, man.
1241
01:23:26,291 --> 01:23:28,208
Is your divorce
affecting your children?
1242
01:23:29,833 --> 01:23:32,333
Your divorce, caused by your affair.
1243
01:23:34,500 --> 01:23:36,083
Do you take responsibility
1244
01:23:36,083 --> 01:23:39,333
for the actions of your children?
Do you feel you've failed as a father?
1245
01:23:42,875 --> 01:23:43,875
Sorry, what?
1246
01:23:43,875 --> 01:23:45,958
Do you feel you've failed as a father?
1247
01:23:47,208 --> 01:23:48,208
Well, I'm not sure that...
1248
01:23:50,125 --> 01:23:51,125
I mean...
1249
01:23:52,161 --> 01:23:55,806
- It's true that I've certainly...
- Mrs McLeod.
1250
01:23:55,806 --> 01:23:58,538
My husband is a good and loving father.
1251
01:23:58,538 --> 01:24:00,708
We have no further comment.
1252
01:24:00,708 --> 01:24:02,916
Would you describe your marriage
as dysfunctional?
1253
01:24:02,916 --> 01:24:07,291
Oh, the magic word, "dysfunctional".
Yeah! Yep, fine.
1254
01:24:07,291 --> 01:24:09,708
- Fine, we're dysfunctional.
- She's doing it now.
1255
01:24:09,708 --> 01:24:11,041
If you mean by "dysfunctional"
1256
01:24:11,041 --> 01:24:14,750
that we're two average people
who have made a few mistakes,
1257
01:24:14,750 --> 01:24:17,166
and are trying very hard
to muddle through
1258
01:24:17,166 --> 01:24:18,708
while trying our utmost
1259
01:24:18,708 --> 01:24:23,750
to protect and nurture
our three... fantastic children,
1260
01:24:23,816 --> 01:24:25,583
Jess, Mickey and Lottie...
1261
01:24:25,583 --> 01:24:28,125
- Yes! Name check.
- Yay!
1262
01:24:28,125 --> 01:24:31,000
Yes, we are dysfunctional.
Thank you.
1263
01:24:34,888 --> 01:24:36,458
Bravo, Abi.
1264
01:24:36,458 --> 01:24:39,875
Well done, Abi.
You certainly put them in their place.
1265
01:24:53,225 --> 01:24:54,291
Has something else happened?
1266
01:25:07,019 --> 01:25:11,416
I've learnt my lesson. Next time I'm
with someone who's died on the beach,
1267
01:25:11,416 --> 01:25:14,833
I'll tell an adult
and I won't set fire to them.
1268
01:25:15,544 --> 01:25:17,125
Very sensible.
1269
01:25:17,125 --> 01:25:18,008
Cheers.
1270
01:25:20,852 --> 01:25:23,750
- It's nice that Mickey wants to be...
- I said no to the Newcastle job.
1271
01:25:25,994 --> 01:25:28,958
- Did you?
- Yeah.
1272
01:25:30,491 --> 01:25:31,491
Thanks.
1273
01:25:35,136 --> 01:25:37,416
I've decided I don't need a solicitor.
1274
01:25:37,716 --> 01:25:39,708
I know. My solicitor told me.
1275
01:25:40,386 --> 01:25:42,000
- Already?
- Yep.
1276
01:25:42,411 --> 01:25:44,583
She said it gave me a huge advantage.
1277
01:25:44,583 --> 01:25:47,375
She used the phrase "easy meat".
1278
01:25:48,697 --> 01:25:49,875
I'm gonna get rid of her.
1279
01:25:52,297 --> 01:25:53,958
Let's do this humanely.
1280
01:25:55,869 --> 01:25:56,869
Hmm.
1281
01:25:57,513 --> 01:25:58,513
OK, everybody.
1282
01:25:59,958 --> 01:26:01,750
Everyone, if you could
just gather round.
1283
01:26:03,472 --> 01:26:05,833
Sorry the midges are out
in their hordes.
1284
01:26:06,088 --> 01:26:08,291
- This is...
- Over here, guys.
1285
01:26:08,391 --> 01:26:12,494
Lottie? I'm not sure
there's any actual, real evidence
1286
01:26:12,494 --> 01:26:15,166
that the Vikings actually
buried their dead
1287
01:26:15,166 --> 01:26:18,916
by burning them
and floating them out to sea.
1288
01:26:20,527 --> 01:26:21,527
Mickey?
1289
01:26:22,438 --> 01:26:26,041
Never, ever say that out loud again.
1290
01:26:27,308 --> 01:26:30,083
Over here. Thanks.
1291
01:26:31,372 --> 01:26:34,458
My brother Doug
is going to say a few words.
1292
01:26:45,969 --> 01:26:46,969
Thanks for coming.
1293
01:26:48,880 --> 01:26:50,416
Well done
for shaking off the reporters.
1294
01:26:52,550 --> 01:26:56,291
The press have portrayed
my father's death as a disgrace.
1295
01:26:57,572 --> 01:27:00,208
But what better way to die
could he have had...
1296
01:27:03,941 --> 01:27:05,541
than on his favourite beach...
1297
01:27:11,163 --> 01:27:13,333
watching the grandchildren
that he loved play...
1298
01:27:16,577 --> 01:27:17,577
play...
1299
01:27:22,533 --> 01:27:24,083
I don't know what Dad
would have made of all this.
1300
01:27:27,572 --> 01:27:30,916
Actually, I do.
He'd have laughed himself stupid.
1301
01:27:33,272 --> 01:27:36,208
He'd have laughed at everyone turning up
for his party except for him.
1302
01:27:36,894 --> 01:27:38,750
He'd have laughed at the authorities
1303
01:27:38,750 --> 01:27:41,000
trying to find
the relevant form to fill in...
1304
01:27:42,888 --> 01:27:46,166
He'd certainly have laughed at
Margaret's starring role on YouTube.
1305
01:27:47,566 --> 01:27:52,541
4,458,207 hits at last count.
1306
01:27:54,141 --> 01:27:55,141
Three of them mine.
1307
01:27:58,697 --> 01:28:02,291
And me, he'd have laughed at me.
A lot.
1308
01:28:02,291 --> 01:28:04,708
And my main regret,
1309
01:28:04,708 --> 01:28:06,708
apart from not having
a bit more time with Dad,
1310
01:28:06,708 --> 01:28:11,083
is that he couldn't see us all
running around like idiots.
1311
01:28:13,027 --> 01:28:16,208
I'm sure many of you believe
that he can see us,
1312
01:28:16,208 --> 01:28:19,541
but for my part, I think death is it.
1313
01:28:19,541 --> 01:28:22,416
I, er, I think life...
1314
01:28:24,216 --> 01:28:28,000
This life is all you get,
and Gordie McLeod had a hell of a life,
1315
01:28:28,511 --> 01:28:33,250
and so should we
cos that's all death is good for.
1316
01:28:33,250 --> 01:28:35,416
It's to give us a kick up the arse
1317
01:28:35,416 --> 01:28:37,625
and say, "Get on with it,
and love those around you."
1318
01:28:39,669 --> 01:28:45,791
And... and now my wonderful son,
Kenneth, is gonna play something.
1319
01:28:51,750 --> 01:28:53,841
No, no. Play something he'd like.
1320
01:28:55,841 --> 01:28:56,841
Go mental.
1321
01:29:56,419 --> 01:29:59,500
He lives in that
and then he walks around in it.
1322
01:29:59,500 --> 01:30:02,125
That keeps his back end all safe.
1323
01:30:02,780 --> 01:30:05,208
- So he doesn't show his bottom?
- Exactly.
1324
01:30:05,919 --> 01:30:06,708
He keeps it in a shell.
1325
01:30:06,930 --> 01:30:09,083
Can we do that
with a large shell?
1326
01:30:09,083 --> 01:30:10,375
Listen, kids, we, erm...
1327
01:30:12,152 --> 01:30:16,541
Dad and me, we just wanted to...
to say something.
1328
01:30:16,819 --> 01:30:19,166
We know that
we've not behaved very well recently
1329
01:30:19,166 --> 01:30:23,708
and, er... well, we just
wanted to say sorry.
1330
01:30:23,708 --> 01:30:24,375
That's right.
1331
01:30:25,108 --> 01:30:29,541
And, erm,
while we'll still be living apart,
1332
01:30:29,541 --> 01:30:32,802
in different... different houses,
1333
01:30:32,802 --> 01:30:37,750
we, er... from now on,
we're going to behave like grown-ups.
1334
01:30:43,772 --> 01:30:45,875
Inappropriate behaviour!
1335
01:30:45,875 --> 01:30:49,291
- Lottie, write that down in your book.
- I've chucked the book away.
1336
01:30:51,891 --> 01:30:53,333
I don't think I'll need it any more.
99080
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