Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,330 --> 00:00:05,571
ANNOUNCER: In the last episode
of Soap, Jessica was happy
2
00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:07,072
that Chester was goingto marriage counseling.
3
00:00:07,073 --> 00:00:10,075
Danny and Polly were happybecause they're in love.
4
00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:11,577
Burt was not at all happy
5
00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:13,579
because he was toldhe's going to die.
6
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:16,582
And everyone was happybecause Mary is pregnant.
7
00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:17,583
Confused?
8
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:21,087
You won't beafter this episode of Soap.
9
00:00:25,592 --> 00:00:28,093
This is the storyof two sisters,
10
00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:30,095
Jessica Tate...
11
00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:32,598
and Mary Campbell.
12
00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:36,101
These are the Tates...
13
00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:39,605
and these are the Campbells...
14
00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:43,610
and this is Soap.
15
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:15,641
Hi.
16
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,644
A book. Nothing.
17
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:21,647
A book.
18
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:23,148
What book?
19
00:01:23,149 --> 00:01:24,650
Nothing. It's boring.
20
00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:26,151
I don't even know.
21
00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,653
What is that?
Is that a dirty book?
22
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:29,154
No, it's not
a dirty book. Huh?
23
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,156
Come on, Danny.
It's my book. Let me see it.
24
00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:32,157
You got a dirty book there?
25
00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:33,659
Don't... Come on.
Give me that book.
26
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:34,660
Give me that book.
27
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:36,162
Give it to me.
28
00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:44,169
Die Without Fear?
29
00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:45,671
Bullfighting.
30
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:51,677
I was going to take it up,
and I-I just changed my mind.
31
00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:59,184
It's a terrible book, Danny.
32
00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:01,687
No laughs.
33
00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:05,190
Oh, Burt, no.
34
00:02:05,191 --> 00:02:06,692
No.
35
00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,203
No one knows.
36
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:20,706
Danny...
37
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:21,707
Danny.
38
00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:22,708
Danny, no one knows,
you hear me?
39
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:23,709
No one.
40
00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:25,711
Danny, I don't want
anybody to know.
41
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:27,212
No one knows, Dan.
No one.
42
00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:28,213
No one?
43
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,214
No one.
44
00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:30,215
Ma!
45
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:31,216
No.
46
00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:32,217
Come over here.
47
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:33,218
No, Danny, please.
48
00:02:33,219 --> 00:02:34,219
No one.
49
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:35,721
I don't want anyone to know.
50
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:36,722
Promise me. Come on.
51
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,223
Danny.
52
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:40,225
Come on, swear.
53
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:41,727
No one?
54
00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:45,731
I swear.
55
00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:51,737
What can I do?
56
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:54,239
Is there anything I can do?
57
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,241
Take care of your mother.
And the baby.
58
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:58,744
I need you to take care
of your mother and the baby.
59
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,245
I will.
60
00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:01,246
I will, Burt.
61
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,248
And you run the business
the way I showed you.
62
00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:05,751
No days off when it drizzles.
63
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,753
Oh, Burt.
64
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:10,255
Because I'm going
to be watching.
65
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:13,759
Bet you can.
66
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,761
Dan, I bet you can watch.
67
00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:17,763
Probably can't say anything,
but I bet you can watch.
68
00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:20,265
Sure hope you can.
69
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:21,767
Burt, if you can,
70
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:23,769
if there is a life after,
will you let me know?
71
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,771
What should I do,
pick up the phone and call?
72
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:26,773
What?
73
00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:29,274
Or write.
74
00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:31,277
Mm-hmm.
75
00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:40,285
Listen, uh...
76
00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:42,288
there's nothing
that they could do?
77
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,292
Did you see a doctor?
78
00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:50,295
No, I diagnosed it myself.
79
00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:52,798
Burt, you may have made
a mistake.
80
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:57,803
No, Danny,
of course I saw the doctor.
81
00:03:57,804 --> 00:03:59,806
Well, that explains
why you've been missing work.
82
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:04,810
Oh, Burt...
83
00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:06,311
Come on, Dan.
84
00:04:06,312 --> 00:04:07,813
Come on.
85
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:08,814
The only thing
that really bothers me
86
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:10,816
is I never left my mark.
87
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:11,817
You know, and, uh...
88
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:14,319
I mean,
I'm not leaving anything behind.
89
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,320
Sure you are.
90
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:16,822
What?
91
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,323
The Murray Hill Condos.
92
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:19,825
Oh, no, no, no, Danny.
93
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:22,828
No, I mean,
something special, you know?
94
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:25,330
Something so that, like,
years from now,
95
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,332
the name of Burt Campbell
might get mentioned,
96
00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:28,834
you know, sometimes.
97
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,335
I'll talk about you.
98
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:31,837
I know, Dan.
99
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:32,838
I don't mean that, Danny.
100
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:34,339
I mean, uh...
101
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:38,343
Listen, I'll tell you something
if you promise not to laugh.
102
00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:39,845
Promise.
103
00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:43,849
I want to get into
the Guinness Book of Records.
104
00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:45,851
Huh?
105
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:46,852
Hey.
106
00:04:46,853 --> 00:04:47,853
Huh?
107
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:48,854
What do think of that?
108
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:50,355
Fattest man.
109
00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:51,857
You could be the fattest man
110
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,358
before you die.
111
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:54,359
How long have you got?
112
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:55,861
Five months.
That's not enough time.
113
00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:58,363
Stop eating.
Be the thinnest man.
114
00:04:58,364 --> 00:04:59,865
I won't live five months.
115
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,366
Tallest man.
116
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,368
Danny, I'm not growing anymore.
117
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:05,371
Is that part of the disease?
118
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:09,875
No, Danny.
119
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:13,378
Five months, huh?
120
00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:14,379
Well, it's a cinch
121
00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:15,881
you're not going to be
the oldest man.
122
00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:19,384
Hey.
123
00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:20,385
Hey, look at this.
124
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:22,387
Hey, this is great.
125
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:24,389
Highest temperature
ever endured by a human,
126
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:25,390
400 degrees.
127
00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:26,391
That's it!
128
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:29,895
You will endure 425.
129
00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:31,897
What will I do,
dress light and sit in the oven?
130
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:33,900
Yeah.
Sit down, Danny.
131
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:38,904
Hey.
132
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:39,905
Hey, here it is.
133
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:40,906
Standing up.
134
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,908
I can do that.
135
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:45,410
The longest time
a man has remained standing,
136
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:47,412
17 years.
137
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:49,414
I have five months.
138
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:50,916
Maybe standing on one foot.
139
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:51,917
Give me the book, please.
140
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:53,418
Hey, how about staying up, Burt?
141
00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:54,920
You got insomnia anyway.
142
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:56,421
This, huh?
143
00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:58,924
Grape catching.
144
00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:00,425
The longest recorded distance
145
00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:02,427
for catching a thrown grape
in the mouth
146
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:05,430
is 259 feet.
147
00:06:05,431 --> 00:06:06,431
Let's try it.
148
00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:07,432
All right, here.
149
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:08,934
Get over there.
150
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:10,936
Danny, this is like 12, 15 feet.
151
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:12,437
Well, we'll work our way up.
152
00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:13,939
All right, let's go.
153
00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:18,444
Come on.
154
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:23,448
What are you doing?
155
00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:24,950
What are you doing?
156
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:28,453
Aah!
157
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:29,454
What?
158
00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:30,455
Oh, my eye.
159
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:31,957
Can you open it?
160
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:32,958
You got me in the eye.
161
00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:33,959
Oh, God, Burt, I'm sorry.
162
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,460
This is great.
163
00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:36,461
I got five months to live.
164
00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:38,463
I'm not going to see any of it.
165
00:06:38,464 --> 00:06:41,466
Hey, Burt, how about
the longest distance
166
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:42,968
a blind man can drive a car
167
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:44,469
without hitting something?
168
00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:46,972
I'm dying in five months.
169
00:06:46,973 --> 00:06:48,974
Is that not fast enough for you?
170
00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:49,975
How about the longest
171
00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:51,476
a man can not
go to the bathroom?
172
00:06:51,477 --> 00:06:53,478
How about the longest
you keep your mouth shut?
173
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:54,479
Get away from me, Danny.
174
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,981
Burt...
175
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,488
♪ Up came the sun
And dried up all the rain ♪
176
00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:07,493
♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider
Went up the spout again ♪
177
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:11,496
That's my big boy.
178
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:12,497
Hi.
179
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:13,498
Hi.
180
00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:15,000
Do I have to be quiet?
181
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,001
Oh, don't worry.
182
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:17,502
He sleeps like a log.
183
00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:21,506
Oh, so he is such
a beautiful baby, Corinne.
184
00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:23,008
I think he's the most
beautiful baby
185
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:24,009
I've ever seen.
186
00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:25,510
Thank you.
187
00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:29,514
Oh, except for his ears,
he's perfect.
188
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,516
That and his nose.
189
00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:34,519
What's the matter
with his ears and nose?
190
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,521
Nothing's the matter
with his ears and nose.
191
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:40,025
They just aren't
the classic Tate ears and nose.
192
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,027
Well, his father is a Flotsky
193
00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:43,028
and his mother is adopted,
194
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:45,530
so I don't wonder.
195
00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:46,531
Oh, well,
apart from that, darling,
196
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:48,033
he is gorgeous.
197
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,534
Well, it was really nice of you
198
00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:50,535
to drop in, Eunice.
199
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,037
Oh, Corinne, I was wondering
200
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:54,539
if you could
do me a little favor. What?
201
00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:55,540
Well, I have a date tonight,
202
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:57,542
and I told Dutch
203
00:07:57,543 --> 00:07:59,044
that you're sneaking around
with a married man
204
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:02,047
and that you asked me
to bring him this note,
205
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:03,548
so would you do that for me?
206
00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:05,050
Eunice, how dare you?
207
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:06,051
Oh, come on.
208
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:07,052
I covered for you lots of times.
209
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:09,554
But I never asked you
to tarnish your reputation.
210
00:08:09,555 --> 00:08:11,056
Your reputation
isn't going to be tarnished,
211
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:14,059
and even if it was,
who could tell?
212
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,561
I should lie,
213
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:18,563
so that you can go out
with Eric?
214
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,065
Eric? Oh, please.
215
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:22,067
I'm not seeing Eric anymore.
216
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:23,568
Eric...
217
00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:28,573
Corinne, I'm seeing somebody
really special.
218
00:08:28,574 --> 00:08:30,075
Jerry.
219
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:35,580
What happened to Eric?
220
00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:38,583
Dutch found out where he lived
and had a little chat with him,
221
00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:40,085
and sort of clarified
the situation,
222
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:41,586
if you know what I mean.
223
00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:43,088
So where is he?
224
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,590
In Montana, herding sheep.
225
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:46,591
Oh, come on, Corinne.
226
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,093
Will you help me?
Please?
227
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:49,094
You've done
the same thing I'm doing,
228
00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:50,595
lots of times.
229
00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:53,098
I never ran around
behind my boyfriend's back.
230
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:56,602
Oh, you were never off your back
long enough to run around.
231
00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:00,605
At least the only leather
I ever get into
232
00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:02,107
is my shoes.
233
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:05,110
Ooh! Corinne.
234
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:06,111
All right, Eunice,
235
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:07,612
I'll do this for you
this one time,
236
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:10,615
but never, ever ask me to do
anything like this ever again.
237
00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:12,117
Oh, I promise, never.
I never will.
238
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:13,618
Thank you, Corinne.
239
00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:15,120
Fine.
240
00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:17,623
Oh, Corinne,
can I borrow your blue dress?
241
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:33,638
Hi.
242
00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:35,640
Hi.
243
00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:38,143
Where's your father?
244
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:40,145
Baptizing the Johnson twins.
245
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,146
Oh.
246
00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:43,649
Come on in.
247
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:47,152
His office called
248
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,154
and said that the group
encounter session
249
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:50,655
was at this address.
250
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:51,656
We're it.
251
00:09:53,659 --> 00:09:56,161
We're what?
252
00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:00,165
God, you are handsome.
253
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:01,667
Oh...
254
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,171
Excuse me?
255
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:07,672
I made the call.
256
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,675
We're the session.
257
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,182
Should have brought
my pith helmet.
258
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:19,684
Scotch?
259
00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:21,686
Uh, no, no. Thanks.
260
00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:23,688
Look, uh, Gloria,
261
00:10:23,689 --> 00:10:24,690
I don't...
262
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:29,194
I don't know what
you've got on your mind,
263
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,695
but, uh...
264
00:10:30,696 --> 00:10:31,696
Gloria...
265
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:33,198
Hold me.
266
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,200
Not a good idea.
267
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:37,202
No, that's not really
a good idea.
268
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:39,704
You... You... You see,
I'm trying to be good,
269
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:41,706
and this is no good
270
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:43,208
if you're trying to be good...
271
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:49,214
No, no, no.
272
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:55,220
I don't do that anymore.
273
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,221
It's got to stop.
274
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,223
I'm ruining my life
with this kind of thing.
275
00:10:58,224 --> 00:10:59,224
The time to stop is now.
276
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:00,725
Now is the time.
277
00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:03,728
God, my timing is terrible.
278
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,230
I want you.
279
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:06,231
No, Gloria,
I've come here for help.
280
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,233
No, I-I need help.
281
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:11,236
I'll help.
282
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:15,240
Should have brought
the Dramamine.
283
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:17,242
Don't you think I'm attractive?
284
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,743
You kidding?
285
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,245
I couldn't take my eyes off you
286
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:22,247
the first time I saw you.
287
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,250
Uh, is there anything on TV?
288
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,262
Oh, my.
289
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:39,764
That's incredible.
290
00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:40,765
You can't tell
291
00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:44,269
where one person ends
and another begins.
292
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:47,772
Don't you want to see
how it turns out?
293
00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:50,775
Oh, I can imagine.
294
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:52,277
Ah, I've got it.
295
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:53,778
This is a test, right?
I am being tested.
296
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:56,781
Your father said every man
is tested every day of his life,
297
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:57,782
and this is my little test.
298
00:11:57,783 --> 00:11:59,284
Oh, Chester...
299
00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:01,787
Hope it doesn't turn out
to be multiple choice.
300
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:05,290
I want you.
301
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:07,292
Look, Gloria, please,
I've come for help.
302
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,793
I'm old enough
to be your father.
303
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:09,794
No, please.
304
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:10,795
Don't. Don't.
305
00:12:10,796 --> 00:12:12,297
No, don't.
306
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,298
Don't. Please.
307
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,799
You're nibbling my ear, Gloria.
308
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:15,800
Please don't nibble.
309
00:12:15,801 --> 00:12:18,804
Oh, God, I'm being nibbled.
310
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,310
Gloria, I have
come here for help.
311
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:26,811
I am falling from grace.
312
00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:27,812
Gloria, I'm falling.
313
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:30,315
See, I need help, Gloria.
314
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:31,316
I need help.
315
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,818
Help.
316
00:12:44,550 --> 00:12:45,830
Burt, Polly
and her entire family
317
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,332
are going to be here
any minute now.
318
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:48,833
Must you do that?
319
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,335
Danny, come on, please.
Give me a break.
320
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:52,337
I've been at this
almost 26 straight hours now.
321
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:54,839
I'm trying to establish
a world record.
322
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,841
Come on, Dan, I can't just stop
323
00:12:56,842 --> 00:12:58,843
because suddenly
company's coming over.
324
00:12:58,844 --> 00:13:00,345
Well, uh,
what about bathroom breaks?
325
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:01,846
They give you bathroom breaks,
don't they?
326
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:03,848
Yeah.
Good.
327
00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:05,350
Take one
for about three hours, okay?
328
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:07,352
Danny,
I don't take bathroom breaks.
329
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,354
It ruins my concentration.
330
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,356
You mean you haven't gone
in 26 hours?
331
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:14,359
That's probably a record
right there.
332
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,361
Danny, of course I've gone.
333
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:17,362
I figured out a way
334
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:20,865
to keep doing this
while doing that.
335
00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:21,866
Oh, this is terrific.
336
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:23,368
This is really great.
337
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:25,370
Polly and her family
are going to come in here,
338
00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:27,372
take one look at that,
and go right back out again.
339
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:29,374
Danny, please relax,
for crying out loud.
340
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:31,376
I mean, just because
one guy in the house
341
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,877
is doing something
a little different
342
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:35,380
doesn't mean
the entire family is crazy.
343
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:40,385
Gin! Ha, ha!
344
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,887
That's that. Everything is done.
345
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:44,389
Done? What did you make?
346
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:45,890
A roast. Calm down.
347
00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:46,891
A roast? A roast?
348
00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:47,892
Yes, a roast?
349
00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:49,894
A roast what?
What did you roast?
350
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,396
A yak.
351
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,397
A yak?
352
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:55,901
I don't think Polly's parents
are into health foods.
353
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,907
Hey.
354
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,909
Hey, guys.
355
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,411
How you doing?
356
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,912
Forget it.
We're not leaving.
357
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:10,915
Who said anything about leaving?
358
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:11,916
We're not moving.
359
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,418
Come on, you guys.
360
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,919
Give me a break, will you?
361
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,421
My girlfriend
and her entire family
362
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,922
are going to be here any minute.
363
00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:19,924
I wouldn't miss this
for the world.
364
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:22,427
Gin! Ha, ha!
365
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,430
Hey, listen, what's for dinner?
366
00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:27,933
Is it grits, cornpone
ribs, collard greens?
367
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:32,437
If you so much
as look cross-eyed
368
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:33,938
at any one of her family,
369
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,940
I'm going to turn you
into a pepper mill.
370
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:37,942
You got it?
371
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:39,444
Got it.
372
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:41,946
All right, they're here!
373
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:42,947
Come on!
374
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:45,450
Okay.
375
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:46,451
Hi.
376
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:47,452
Hi.
377
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,454
Come on in.
378
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:50,455
Hi.
379
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:51,456
Hello.
380
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:52,958
Welcome.
381
00:14:57,963 --> 00:14:59,964
Ma, this is Polly.
382
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,966
Hi. Pleased to meet you.
383
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,468
Hello.
384
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:04,969
And, uh, this is
her mother, Rose,
385
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,971
and this is her father, Walter,
386
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,974
and, uh, that's
her brother, Eddie.
387
00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:11,476
This is my mother, Mary.
388
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:12,977
I'm very pleased to meet you.
389
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:14,479
Pleased to meet you too, Mary.
390
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,980
How do you do?
391
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:16,981
How do you do?
392
00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:22,987
Uh, Danny, take their coats.
393
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,989
Oh, yeah.
394
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:26,491
Oh, hi. Hi, everybody.
395
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:27,992
Welcome to the house.
396
00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:29,494
It's really nice
to have you here.
397
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,996
Make yourselves at home.
398
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,000
I'm Burt.
399
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:37,502
So come on.
400
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:39,004
Tell me all about yourselves.
401
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,507
Oh, the balloon?
402
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:44,509
Uh, see, uh, Burt is trying
403
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,511
to get into the Guinness Bookof World Records.
404
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:49,013
Well, I figured it was
something important.
405
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:51,516
So, uh, what do you do?
406
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:52,517
I'm a musician.
407
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:53,518
No kidding.
408
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,520
What is it?
Bebop, scat, what?
409
00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:56,521
I'm an oboist
410
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:58,022
for the New York
Philharmonic Orchestra.
411
00:15:58,023 --> 00:15:59,023
Hey, no kidding.
412
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:00,024
Really?
That's incredible.
413
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:02,026
I mean, Danny here
plays the harmonica.
414
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:03,528
Hey, Mare!
415
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,029
Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?
416
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:06,531
Yes.
417
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:07,532
Excuse us, darling.
418
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,534
Hi, everybody.
I'm Chuck.
419
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,035
And I'm Bob.
420
00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:12,036
Swell.
421
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:13,037
This one plays with balloons,
422
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:16,541
and the Beach Boy has a doll.
423
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,043
Well, come on in.
424
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,051
So...
425
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,556
So...
426
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:32,557
So, Danny here tells me
427
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:34,058
that you're a family of Negroes.
428
00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:35,560
Is that true?
429
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:36,642
Bob, come on.
Man, wait a...
430
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:46,070
I'm, uh...
431
00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:47,572
I'm really sorry about that.
432
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:50,074
Somehow,
I'm not really insulted.
433
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:51,576
You're a good sport.
434
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,077
No, I'm a lousy sport.
435
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:55,079
It's just that I can't get
very upset
436
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,081
at a person who vents
his pent-up hostility
437
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,084
through a piece of wood.
438
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,086
What do you mean?
439
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:03,588
What do I mean?
440
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:05,590
Hi. Getting acquainted?
441
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:07,593
In a manner of speaking.
442
00:17:09,974 --> 00:17:11,095
It's going very, very badly.
443
00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:12,597
Big surprise.
444
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:17,602
Are we trying to quit smoking?
445
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:18,603
Uh, no.
446
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:20,605
No, we, uh...
We have a little baby girl.
447
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:22,106
Oh, really?
448
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,107
Yeah, it's my son.
449
00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:24,108
My other son.
450
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:25,610
It's a half-son.
451
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:26,611
My other half-son.
452
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:28,112
I have two halves and one whole.
453
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:31,115
My brother, he's a father.
454
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:33,117
Yeah, right.
His brother, my son.
455
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,619
His daughter
is my granddaughter.
456
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:37,622
Yeah, yeah, see,
my brother is my niece's father.
457
00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:39,624
Yeah, listen, what it means
is that his brother is...
458
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,125
I got it. I got it.
459
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:42,627
They're a lovely couple,
aren't they?
460
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,128
Oh, yes, they are.
461
00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:45,630
It's sweet.
462
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:46,631
Very.
463
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:49,133
They're out of their minds.
464
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:50,635
Totally.
465
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,637
Let's get a drink.
466
00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:54,138
Make it doubles?
467
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:56,141
You got it.
468
00:17:58,143 --> 00:17:59,644
So, Eddie, uh, what do you do?
469
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:00,645
I'm a writer.
470
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:02,146
I didn't know that.
471
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:05,650
Well, we've never really
had a chance to chit-chat.
472
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:07,652
What do you write?
473
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:09,654
Essays, magazine articles.
474
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:11,656
The plight of the black race.
475
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:13,658
400 years of oppression.
476
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:16,160
The white man's disgrace.
477
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:18,663
Oh, so you're a gag writer,
is that it?
478
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:25,670
Dinner's ready.
479
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,172
Come and get it.
480
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,674
Uh, listen,
next time you come over,
481
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,175
you ought to bring your horn.
482
00:18:31,176 --> 00:18:32,176
My what?
483
00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:33,177
Your oboe.
484
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:35,179
I never heard an oboe.
Can you imagine that?
485
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,681
Yes, I can.
486
00:18:37,643 --> 00:18:38,683
Oh, that was really tense.
487
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,184
Tense? Ha.
That was ridiculous.
488
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:41,185
Well...
489
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:42,687
I think the worst part is over.
490
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,188
Oh, you think so?
491
00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:46,191
No.
492
00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:52,196
Well, that was easy.
493
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:53,698
It gets easier with practice.
494
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:54,699
Really?
495
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,200
Mm-hmm.
496
00:18:57,202 --> 00:18:58,703
ROSE: Eddie!
497
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,706
EDDIE: Hey, I didn't
do it on purpose.
498
00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:12,717
Oh, hi, Daddy.
499
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:13,718
You know,
500
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:15,219
I'll never be able to understand
501
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:18,223
why it is
you think I'm your father.
502
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,227
Oh, Daddy.
503
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,229
Look, Daddy. Paris.
504
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:26,230
Isn't it beautiful?
505
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:29,233
I'm thinking of taking a trip
with Chester.
506
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:32,236
Either there or Italy.
507
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:34,238
What do you think?
You've been to both.
508
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,240
Either place is fine.
509
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,243
Just stay away from Guadalcanal.
510
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:41,746
Jess...
511
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:42,747
Hi, Chester. Look.
512
00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:44,248
Jess, listen.
513
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,249
Paris.
514
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:46,250
That's very nice.
515
00:19:46,251 --> 00:19:47,752
Jess, I have to talk to you.
516
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:50,254
A trip to Paris, Chester,
just you and me.
517
00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:52,256
Jess, I don't want to go away.
518
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:53,257
Oh, come now, colonel.
519
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:56,761
Paris might be occupied,
but it's still beautiful.
520
00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:59,263
Major, would you please go?
521
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:02,266
Not me. I hate the French.
522
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:04,268
Daddy, would you do me favor?
523
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:06,270
Would you see if you could find
some pictures of Italy
524
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:07,772
for me to look at?
525
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:09,273
Oh, fine. You'll love Italy.
526
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:11,776
You can look up
my friend, Sergio.
527
00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:14,780
He'll get you
all the women you need.
528
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:17,782
Jess...
529
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:20,284
Now, Chester,
don't you interrupt me.
530
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:21,786
You have been wonderful.
531
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:23,788
You have been working so hard,
532
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,289
going to the minister's
counseling sessions
533
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:27,792
morning, noon and night.
534
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:33,297
So, I have decided
on a special reward:
535
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,799
a trip to Europe.
536
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,306
My dear...
537
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:44,809
Chester, don't cry, dear.
538
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,310
We don't have to go to Europe.
539
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:47,812
We could go to the Caribbean.
540
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,814
No, no, no, no, no.
541
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:51,315
Oh, Jess...
542
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:53,818
I can't stand it.
543
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:55,820
Oh, well, then
we don't have to go.
544
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:57,321
There, there, darling.
545
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:59,824
I had no idea
traveling upset you so.
546
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:01,826
Oh, Jessie...
547
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,327
Jess, I am so crazy.
548
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:05,329
I am so crazy.
549
00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:06,330
Oh, no,
550
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:07,832
you're not, Chester.
551
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:11,335
Traveling is not
what it used to be.
552
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:12,837
What I've done...
553
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:13,838
What I've done...
554
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:15,840
I've screwed up my life.
555
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:16,841
Oh, no.
556
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:18,342
Now, darling,
557
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:19,844
that is all in your past.
558
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:21,846
No, it's not.
It's not.
559
00:21:21,847 --> 00:21:22,847
I'm so...
560
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:26,851
Oh, this must be
a part of your therapy.
561
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:28,853
Oh, I can't stand it.
562
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,856
I am so crazy
to be in love with her.
563
00:21:31,857 --> 00:21:33,357
I guess this is
564
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:35,359
what they call
a "breakthrough."
565
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,362
I can't stand
being in love with her,
566
00:21:38,363 --> 00:21:41,365
and yet I am mad about her.
567
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:42,867
I know. I know.
568
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:45,370
There, there.
569
00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:53,878
I beg your pardon?
570
00:21:53,879 --> 00:21:55,880
I'm so confused.
571
00:21:55,881 --> 00:21:57,882
I know it's crazy to love her,
572
00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,384
but I'll die if I lose her.
573
00:22:00,385 --> 00:22:01,385
Who?
574
00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:02,887
Gloria.
575
00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:03,888
Gloria?
576
00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:05,389
Yeah, the minister's daughter.
577
00:22:05,390 --> 00:22:07,892
You and the minister's daughter?
578
00:22:20,906 --> 00:22:22,406
You know, it's funny. I...
579
00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:26,911
I feel more stupid
than anything else.
580
00:22:26,912 --> 00:22:30,915
I feel so incredibly stupid
581
00:22:30,916 --> 00:22:33,918
to have thought for one minute
you could ever change.
582
00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:36,921
Jess, this hurts me
as much as it hurts you.
583
00:22:36,922 --> 00:22:38,923
It hurts you?
584
00:22:38,924 --> 00:22:41,926
It hurts you?
585
00:22:41,927 --> 00:22:44,428
Nothing could hurt you,
Chester Tate.
586
00:22:44,429 --> 00:22:45,930
You have no soul.
587
00:22:47,933 --> 00:22:50,434
But I will tell you one thing,
and you listen to me carefully.
588
00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:51,936
I will never, ever,
589
00:22:51,937 --> 00:22:53,938
under any circumstances
whatsoever,
590
00:22:53,939 --> 00:22:55,940
take you back again.
591
00:22:55,941 --> 00:22:58,943
This is
the very last time, Chester.
592
00:22:58,944 --> 00:23:01,446
It is final
and it is irreparable.
593
00:23:08,954 --> 00:23:11,956
Now, you get out of this house.
594
00:23:11,957 --> 00:23:14,459
I've got a life
I'm going to live.
595
00:23:36,281 --> 00:23:38,482
ANNOUNCER: Will Burt get into
the World Book of Records?
596
00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:39,984
Will he live to read it?
597
00:23:39,985 --> 00:23:41,485
What will happen with Chester
598
00:23:41,486 --> 00:23:43,487
and the minister's daughter,pray tell?
599
00:23:43,488 --> 00:23:45,990
Now that Jessica is alone,what will she do?
600
00:23:45,991 --> 00:23:47,491
Will she be alone for long?
601
00:23:47,492 --> 00:23:49,493
These questions and many others
602
00:23:49,494 --> 00:23:52,497
will be answeredon the next episode of Soap.
603
00:23:56,001 --> 00:23:59,004
Soap is videotapedbefore a studio audience.
38940
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
