All language subtitles for Up Pompeii - 01x07 - 1The Love Potion

(LURCIO HUMMING)

Oh!

Oh, you've arrived on washing day. Oh, dear.
Honestly, I do feel smalls.

Yes, well...

No, it was only a little joke.
Don't worry about that one. Listen.

No, actually, honestly, I must look a mess.

I'm awfully sorry you've caught me like this,
and my little pinny on. I'm ever so sorry.

I feel... I feel a real sight today.

Because actually, you know...
It's very hard work, you know. Here.

Bashing everything against those stones.
Because... Oh, no! What? No.

Listen a minute. No... Listen.

No. That's how we do it in Pompeii, you know.
Oh, yes.

Every Monday morning you'll find me down by
the river, among the women, bashing away.

Now...

I'll just take me...
I'll just take me little pinny off now.

I'll just take me... That's it. I...
Actually, have you noticed...

(TITTERING)

It's bitter cold, innit? Bitter, I tell you it is.

Listen, erm, have you noticed
how you can tell people's characters by...

By the underclothes, the things
they wear underneath? Yes, have you noticed?

Haven't you? You want to have a look sometime.
Yeah. Now, look. Look. You see, for instance,

now, these are my master's. Yes.
Yes. I'm sorry, they are.

You see, they got frilly bottoms, poor old devil.
It's the only sort of frills he gets these days.

These belong to my master's younger son.

Well, he's only got one son.
His young son called Nausius.

Nausius. A strange boy. Most peculiar.
You see, they call these a "Y" front...

'cause I don't know why he bothers to have one.

Now, this... These or this, actually,
belongs to my master's daughter.

Young daughter, Erotica. Actually, it's just a... Yes.

It's just a converted eye patch, really.

You see. That's the reason why, when
all the young men see her, they say, "Aye, aye."

Here, now this blank space, now, that belongs,
really, to my mistress Ammonia, you see.

That's where... They've been taken off because

she doesn't wait for them to dry,
she puts them straight back into her handbag.

The prologue. Let's get on with the prologue.
Now, the prologue.

Now, our story today concerns Lysistrata.

Now, you've heard of Lysistrata.

Now, her real name actually was
Elizabeth Strata, but she was very popular,

-and they used to call her... No, listen.
-Woe, woe and thrice woe!

Oh, dear. Now, this is the soothsayer, Senna.

Every time I see Senna, I want to run.

Beware. Beware.

Mend your ways, people of Pompeii,

or you will suffer the same fate that befell
the lechers and bibbers of Gomorrah.

"Lechers and bibbers"? Oh, yeah. What's that
other town which was full of lechers and bibbers?

Sodom.

I know how she feels, mind you, but still.

You lascivious, drooling sexpot.

-Who, me?
-Yes, you.

I've seen your greedy eyes
devouring the tender flesh of women.

Oh, that's not true. I'm a vegetarian.
What do you mean?

But judgement is at hand.
Aphrodite, the goddess of love,

will descend from the mountain
in a flood of molten lava.

-Lava?
-Molten lava.

-And destroy you!
-Oh, yes. That'll be nice. When?

She'll be coming down the mountain
when she comes.

I suppose she'll be singing,
"Lava, come back to me."

Oh, don't worry. I can be sarcastic in a crisis.
Well, I mean...

Well, she's a silly old bag.

She is. I'm sorry, she is. She's a real...
Mind you, she's right.

Yes. Oh, this is a wicked place.
What? Wicked... I should... Sex.

Sex mad. Oh, yes.
That's why they get married here.

Just so they'll have something to swap.
That's the only reason they get married.

Not me, of course. Not me.
Of course, I'm only a mere slave, you see.

I mean, I don't have time for that sort of thing.
And it's... Oh, yeah. Ooh!

(LURCIO MURMURING)

Ooh, now. There's something I really covet.
There's something I covet. Oh, yes.

I'm not past a little bit of sly covetry,
on occasions. Yes.

Actually, no. That covet just moved in.

Lusha's her name, and she just moved in
the house opposite. You see? Ooh.

I really covet her, but what's the point?
I mean, I'm only a slave, aren't I?

Just a mere slave. She wouldn't look at me.
I'm not worthy to kiss the globe of her rear.

No, I mean. No... Oh, wait a minute!
Wait a minute. I've got that muddled.

I'm not... I'm say it again.

I'm not worthy to kiss the lobe of her ear.
That's it.

Oh, I cannot marry her. I will not.

-I will not marry her.
-Oh!

Oh!

Now, this is Nausius, my master's son.
Oh, he's a strange boy. A most peculiar boy.

Ah, yes.

He's... I wonder what ails him.

Oh, yes, he's full of ale. What's the matter?
Come along.

Come along, little master. Now.

What are you doing?

-Blubbing.
-Pardon?

-Blubbing.
-Oh, poor little blubber.

Blubber. He's having a whale of a time. A whale!

Look, if you don't like subtlety,
you may as well switch off.

-What's the matter, master?
-Oh, Lurcio, I'm so unhappy.

-Are you? Why?
-My father wants me to marry the daughter

of Tedius Primus.

-Tedius Primus?
-Just because it's his old friend.

Oh, it's ridiculous. You can't marry one
of your father's old friends. I mean, it's ridiculous.

Oh, no, no, Lurcio. His old friend Tedius' daughter.

-Oh.
-You know, Grottia.

Grottia.

Grottia. Oh, I know her.

She's the rather hefty girl with red eyes.
That's the girl.

And brown hair parted down the centre.
Of her chest. I know. Yes.

That's the one. Yes.

-Oh, Lurcio, I couldn't marry her.
-Of course you couldn't.

-She's too overbearing.
-Yes.

-She carries all before her.
-She carries quite a bit behind her, as well.

-Besides, I love another.
-You love another?

Oh, Ambrosia.

-Ambrosia?
-Oh, how I love Ambrosia.

Ah. You can tell he's in love.
Look at the soppy expression on his face.

Yes, listen. May we assume you've written
an ode to this Ambrosia?

-Why, yes. However did you guess?
-Well, let's say intuition.

Oh, yes. Let's.

BOTH: Intuition.

Ah, that's cheered you up, hasn't it?

May I see your ode?

-There.
-Yes.

Oh, yes. It's quite a lengthy one, isn't it?
Here we are. "Ode...

Ode to Ambrosia.

Ode to Ambrosia.

I love to kiss her golden hair

She sets me writing ditties"

Get ready. Get ready.

"But most of all I love to roam

Around her ample

country estate"

-That's where I first saw her.
-Was it?

Oh, I know it doesn't rhyme,
but you can't have it every way.

No.

I can't seem to get it any way. Never mind.

There you are, master.
Look, are you going to marry this little raver?

Oh, alas, Lurcio. If you could have seen
the contempt with which she looked down on me.

-Did she?
-I was beneath her.

Oh, you shouldn't have been beneath her.
That's kinky, master.

I mean, have you asked her?

I mean, have you...
Have you asked her to marry you?

No.

Do you think I dare?

Well, let's ask. Do you think he should?
Do you think he should?

That's right, open the box.

-That's right.
-Oh, yes, I will.

-Yes. Well, thank you... Yes.
-Thank you, Lurcio.

One thing at a time. Thank you very much.

-Lurcio, I'll go and see her straight away.
-That's right. You do that.

But if she refuses me,

I shall throw myself into the sea,
and relieve myself of this misery forever.

That's right, master. Yes.

Well, that's how they relieve themselves here.

Rushing into the sea. That's it.

Ah, well. No hap. Now, the prologue.

-And...
-AMMONIA: Lurcio, Lurcio!

Yes, mistress.

Oh, dear, that's...
Now, this is my mistress, Ammonia.

I say "mistress." I don't mean... You know... No.
No, wait a minute. I mean, my master's wife.

I mean, she's... Mind you, she would.

What? I should say so. At the drop of a toga. Ooh.

Ooh. What? She's a right funny woman.
She really is.

She's known as Sexus Insanum.

Which, translated, means she's mad about it.

Hear now the wise words of Plautus.

It's a well-known fact that this obsession
that the Romans had with sex

led directly to their decline and eventual fall.

However, remember the words
of that great orator Cicero.

"What the hell, baby, it's a wonderful way to go."

-Ah, Lurcio.
-Oh, yes.

-Yes, mistress.
-Now, Lurcio, I'm just going out for a bit.

Oh, I think that's a better idea, yes.

-I shan't be back until late.
-Oh.

Oh, yes, so you'll be out all evening, my dear.

-Why?
-It's Monday.

My fabric-making class.

Oh, yes, of course.
Well, you'd better get weaving, hadn't you.

It's not right. They get all the witty lines.
I just get the corny lines. Not right.

-Will you be wanting supper, dear?
-Well, yes. No. No.

As you're going to be busy, I may as well take
the opportunity of visiting my old friend, Tedius.

Erotica, dear, you'll be in, of course.

Well, as a matter of fact, Mummy,
if you're all going to be out,

I've just remembered there's
a cookery class I'd like to go to.

Ooh, there's a lying cow.

She's going to meet
that young gladiator, Prodigious.

They call him Prod for short.

-Cookery class? I thought you'd finished those.
-Oh, no. They're doing baking this evening.

Yes, I bet they are.

She'll finish up with something in the oven,
that's for sure.

Oh, Lurcio, it looks as though
everyone will be out this evening.

-So you can have it off.
-Yes, mistress.

Promises, promises.

Now, what's the point of having the evening off?

Let's face it, I've got nowhere to go,
no money, you see.

They don't pay me, you know.
They don't pay me at all.

No, just pay me my keep, that's all.
I'm a kept man.

I'm worse off than those au pair girls.
I haven't even got a pair. Never mind.

Ah, well. No hap. The prologue.

-Lurcio.
-Oh, yes, mistress.

Lurcio, what are you doing?

-Well, I was doing the prologue.
-Oh, no, no, dear.

-I mean, what are you doing this evening?
-Oh, nothing, 'cause I can't afford to.

I shall just lie upstairs on my palliasse,
and I shall...

I shall look at the...
Watch the flies performing on the ceiling.

I don't know what they're doing tonight,
'cause I haven't seen a fly paper.

Oh, dear Lurcio. Dear Lurcio.

I do hate to think of you being all alone
this evening.

-Oh, yes, mistress?
-Yes, now, look here.

-Here's 10 drachmas.
-10 drachmas?

Mmm-hmm. You go out
and enjoy yourself, understand?

-Yes, mistress. 10 drachmas?
-Good. Yes.

I must be off to my man.

-I mean my fabric-making class. Bye, Lurcio.
-Yes. Yes, mistress.

Ten drachmas? Whatever's come over her?

She's never done that before.
Ten drachmas. Oh, well!

Well, now. The prologue.

-Oh, Lurcio!
-Yes.

I was just wondering,
what are you doing this evening?

-Well, not the same as you are, that's for sure.
-Oh, poor Lurcio.

I can't bear to think of you
staying at home here all alone.

-Can't you?
-No.

So I'd like you to take this money and go out
somewhere and really enjoy yourself.

Ten drachmas? Well, thank you, mistress.

-Oh, no, thank you, Lurcio.
-No, thank you.

Well, there we are. Another 10 drachmas.

Well, if I didn't know better...
If I didn't know they were going out,

I would think they're trying to get rid of me.
Wouldn't you?

Never mind. As we Romans say,

sic transit gloria rhubarbum.

Which means,
never look a gift horse in the mouth.

It's the other end that feeds the rhubarb.

The prologue.

-Lurcio!
-What, master?

Lurcio, what are you doing this evening?

-Eh? I'm not doing... Up or down?
-Down.

Yes.

Only... I've lost... Me handcuffs are coming off.

-Oh, Lurcio, put it aside.
-Yes.

What are you doing this evening?

Er, nothing, master, I'm just staying at home,
as usual.

Oh, come, come, Lurcio. No, no, no.

That's not good enough. Oh, dear. Tut-tut-tut-tut.

Oh, you can't bear the thought
of me being home all alone, can you?

Well, how did you guess that, Lurcio?

Now, look here, Lurcio.
There's 10 drachmas for you.

-Ten drachmas...
-Now, you find one of those nightclubs.

Yes!

-Find a nice little girl.
-Yes.

-Have a good bit of fun, eh?
-Yes. Yes, thank you, master.

I got the message after the first poke. Thank you.

Yes, thank you for the 10 drachmas.

No, not at all, Lurcio.
A good slave is a satisfied slave, I always say.

Thank you, master. Well!

I can't understand him.
He's usually such a mean old devil.

Oh, and, Lurcio, you don't have to worry.

-You don't have to pay me back till next week.
-Ah, thank you.

Thank you, master.
You don't have to worry either, master.

As we Romans say,
sic transit gloria singuinam fortunatum.

Which means, you'll be bloody lucky.

Oh, dear. Isn't it marvellous? Thirty drachmas.

Oh, I'm doing well, aren't I?
I can't believe it. Now, the prologue.

Lysistrata...

'Ere, you.

-Who, me?
-Yes, you.

What?

-You come from that house opposite, don't you?
-Yes.

-The senator's house?
-Yes, I do. Why?

-Here.
-What are you doing this evening?

I can't believe this.

(STUTTERING) Well, I'm not doing anything,
'cause, no, I haven't got any money, you see.

I said, what are you doing this evening?

Nothing, 'cause, you see, I have to stay at home.

-Good. You tell the senator...
-Yes.

...that my mistress, Lusha...

-Lusha?
-Yeah, Lusha.

She's gonna call on him at 7:00.

Oh, is she? Oh, I don't think my master'll be...

-Won't be what? Won't be what?
-Won't be expecting her.

-Of course he won't. Not until you tell him.
-No. All right. All right, then.

So will you make sure you tell him?

Yes, I will.
She'll be received with every possibility. Yes.

-Thank you.
-You're very welcome.

-Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.
-Nice to have met you.

Silly old bag.

It must be my lucky day, though, innit?
I've got 30 drachmas.

And there's an empty house.
And a lovely piece of covet coming to call, eh?

Now, listen. Listen a minute.

Now, she doesn't know me,
the little piece of covet.

And she's never seen my master, the senator.

So why shouldn't I purport to be him?
You understand?

Ooh, what?

No, well, you see, obviously she wouldn't
be going there unless she wants a favour.

And a favour demands a favour in return.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll pop down to the chemist and I'll tell you why.

No, no.

I'm gonna buy a love philtre.

I'll buy a love philtre,
because we Romans always like to filter our love.

Filter our love. Oh, please yourselves.

It's... It's a well-known fact

that the love philtre was extremely popular
among the ruling classes.

Indeed, a booklet was produced of advice
for emperors, entitled

"Twenty King-sized Philtre Tips."

That may not be funny, but I'm fast.

Excuse me. Oh, erm, I wonder...
Could I talk to the gentleman, please?

-One minute. I'm busy.
-Oh.

Three drops of essence of lizard's gizzard,

two drops of tincture of toad's intestine,

a touch of powdered bat's wing.

Oh, dear. Isn't science wonderful?

Do you know, before these marvellous
new medicines, people used to die like flies.

Now they die like bats and toads and lizards.

-That's that.
-Yes.

-And what can I do for you, sir?
-Well, it's very embarrassing.

You see, I wonder if I could...

-It's very embarrassing.
-You want her, do you?

No!

Look, I want, you see...

I've got a girl I'm trying to... I'm hoping...
A piece of covet coming.

You see, I want something...
I want something to warm her up.

Wrap her in cotton wool,
and stick her in front of the fire.

No, no, no, no, no.

I want something to sort of, you know...
To put her at her ease. To help her to relax.

Oh, you want a surgical support?

I want something to loosen her. Loosen her.

Have you tried the laxative?

No, I haven't tried a laxative.

I want something to help her,
to make her capitulate. Capitulate.

God knows what he's gonna say to that.

-Well, I don't know...
-Come here. Look, I want...

(WHISPERING)

-Oh, you want a love philtre!
-Shut up.

Don't tell the whole neighbourhood, loudmouth.

-You should have said.
-Yes.

-What's that?
-There you are.

Oh, thank you very much. Oh, yes.

"Dr Castor Oilus's love potion.

To be taken three times daily before mating."

Oh, is it good, this?

-Just slip one drop into her wine...
-One drop.

(WHISPERING) One drop into her wine.
And the first person she sees after drinking it...

-The first person she sees after drinking it...
-She'll fall in love with.

-Fall in love with? Are you sure?
-Of course. Would you like to see my testimonials?

No, thank you very much.

I've got no time for old concert party gags.

-Here. Read that one.
-All right. Testimonials.

"Dear Dr Oilus,

I gave my wife your love potion
some three months ago.

I must say, it worked perfectly.

I will come thank you in person,
as soon as I get my toes un-knotted."

-Well, sounds good.
-Thirty drachmas.

Thirty drachmas?
That's all the money I've got in the world.

Oh, it's not dear. That'll last you for five years.
Yeah, the thing is, will I last five years?

All right. Well, I suppose it's worth it.
There you are, 30 drachmas.

-Thank you. The best of luck.
-Yes.

Thank you. Listen. Listen, here. Come here.
It says here, "Shake well after taking."

That's right. And if she doesn't shake well,
I'll give you your money back.

(LAUGHING)

That's right.
Enjoy your last appearance on this show.

Oh, you handsome devil, you.

Oh, that poor girl won't stand a chance.

What? You don't need love potions.

Sex appeal? Ah, you're oozing with it.

You're oozing with it. You should be in Who's Who.

I shan't need this. Now, wait a minute, though.

Perhaps she might not be feeling
very oozeful tonight. No.

Perhaps I better put a spot in.
What do you feel? Yes.

Just a little bit. Make sure.
Keep her on the safe side.

All right. Here we are. Little bit. There we are.

There we are. Just...

Mmm.

Perhaps a spot more. Yes.

Yeah. There we are.

Now, that should do the trick.
Now, what's the time?

Oh, look. It's nine grains past 7:00. Oh.

She's late. Never mind.

As we Romans say, sic transit gloria collapsum.

Which means, the later they come,
the harder they fall.

Here we are. Oh, she's here.

Oh, dear. Keep calm. Keep calm.
You must keep calm.

This is gonna be a piece of cake. A piece of cake.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm so nervous.
Now, how shall I start? How shall I start?

By letting her in. That's a good start, isn't it?

But suppose she doesn't want to come in? But...

There we are. The lot. Now, get out of that lot.

Now.

Do... Do come in.

-Good evening.
-Good evening.

-Are you the senator?
-Yes.

Yes. Do come in.

-How do you do?
-Oh, nicely, thanks.

I'm your new next-door neighbour, Lusha.

Yes, how nice to see you.

Won't you lie down? I mean, won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Yes. Oh, dear. It'll be a piece of cake, this.
It's gonna be a piece of cake. Don't worry.

Yes. Now, watch this.
Watch for a while, at any rate.

But listen, no...

Soon as I start to cut myself off a slice,
you'll switch off, won't you?

Promise. No, don't. Promise to switch off.
Well, now. How nice.

(GIGGLING)

Now, can I offer you just a tittle of wine?

No, I don't think I really need it, thank you.
No. I don't think she does, either.

-It's gonna be easy, this. Oh, piece of cake. Yes.
-I expect you're wondering what I have come for.

Oh, not really, no.

After all, you're a woman, and I'm a man.
That is to say, horizontally speaking.

-Actually, it's become a matter of some urgency.
-Has it?

Don't worry, dear. I shan't keep you long.

It's rather awkward, but being a widow,
I no longer have a man to do things for me.

Haven't you? Oh, you're a widow, are you?

Yes, although I haven't any weeds on.

No, I expect you're too busy
for them to grow, aren't you?

Never having met you before, you may think it
rather forward of me to ask such a favour.

Oh, not at all. At all.

-Well, it's just that I wanted you to...
-Yes.

That is, I'd be extremely grateful if you would...

-Well.
-Yes.

If you'd stop fixing your clothesline
to the wall of my house.

-What?
-Well, it is rather an eyesore.

-Is that all you've come over here for?
-Yes.

Well, no. Of course, I was very anxious
to make your acquaintance.

Ah. That's better, yes. It's gonna be all right.
You see, she's a bit bashful. Bashful, you see.

Well, now. What do you think of me now?

-I think we shall be very good friends.
-Ah!

You're so like my dear, old father.

I don't think things are going right.

I think you'd better go out and come in again,
if you don't mind.

Oh, no, I've upset you. I'm sorry, I'll leave now.

No, don't. You can't leave now.
I've got 30 drachmas invested in you.

-Thirty drachmas.
-Yes.

-I don't get it.
-Neither will I if you leave. Now, listen.

Do sit down. I'll tell you what.

I'll go and remove the clothesline,
and meanwhile let me...

Let me proffer you a little dinky-donks.

-Oh, no, really.
-Dinky dinky doo-da donks.

-Come along.
-Oh, all right, then.

If it will give you pleasure.

Yeah, that's the general idea. Yes.

There we are.

Erm, bottoms up.

Oh, definitely. As soon as I get back.

It's working. It's working. Yes!

Hello. She's drinking it, she's drinking it.
Listen. Don't forget what the chemist said.

The first person she sees after drinking
wins the coconut.

That's right. Get it down you, girl. That's it.

Get ready to switch off. Get ready to switch...
I shall be cutting myself off a slice.

Now, where's the... Get the clothesline down.
I'll take it in to her.

(NAUSIUS SOBBING)

No, halt! Master, you can't go in there.
What's the matter?

Oh, Lurcio, I am undone.

Are you? Well, do yourself up out here.
Because there's nobody around.

Ambrosia refused me.

-She did?
-I'm gonna throw myself into the sea.

It's a good idea. Now, the sea is that way, master.

I know but I've got my best clothes on.
I've got to change first.

But, master, don't...

Oh...

-Sorry. I didn't know there was anyone in here.
-Oh, you're beautiful.

-What?
-I love you. Come. Love me.

-No, no, I'm sorry. I love another.
-Take me, I'm yours.

-Love me.
-Oi, oi, oi. No, missus!

Missus. Missus, you've got the wrong one, dear.

-I should be getting all that.
-Oh, my darling, let us go without.

Oh, no, no, Lurcio. Please, do something.
I don't want to go without.

I'm the one who's going without, by the look of it.

-Wait a minute...
-My darling.

Oh, love me, love me, my darling!

Oh, look. Isn't it sickening?
Thirty drachmas down the drain for love philtres.

Oh, hello?

Reinforcements.

-Please. Has Nausius come back here?
-Yes, he has. Why?

Oh, thank goodness. When he left me,
he threatened to throw himself into the sea.

-Oh, this must be the fair Ambrosia. Yes.
-I didn't mean to upset him.

-In fact, I tried very hard not to fall out with him.
-Yes.

With a dress like that it's very easy
to fall out, isn't it?

-Now...
-I wish I could make him understand.

-Understand what?
-I'm not ready to get married.

-You're not ready to get married?
-But I'm quite prepared to make love.

Oh, are you?

Oh, yes. Well, why not? Fair dues.
He's got my bit, hasn't he?

Yes, certainly.

Ah. Oh, there, there, there, there, there.

Oh, there, there, there, there, there.
Ever so there, there, there.

One for the road. Oh, there, there, there.

-You do understand.
-Yes, I do.

Yes, I'm understanding.
But don't worry, you won't have to marry me.

Oh, I knew you'd understand.
You're such a nice, kind, old gentleman.

Look, while I'm looking for Nausius,

could I offer you just a teensy-weensy
tittle of dinky-donks?

Dinky-donks. Dinky-donky doo-das.

Well, I must say,
I could do with something or other.

Yes, well, have the something first.

We'll talk about the other later. Now, here we are.

-Down the hatch.
-Oh, anywhere you like, yes.

Oh, it's going to be kinky. I like that.

Come along, my dear, Flavia. This way.

Oh, I can't wait to get my arms around you.

Well, I'm not sure that I want to,
after you've neglected me all these months.

-I suppose there's somebody else.
-Oh, no, no. There's never been anybody else.

Never. Oh, no.

I've waited so long for this moment.

Oh, come along, my dear.

Come and get it. Oh! Oh.

I thought you said there'd be nobody here.
Who's that?

I haven't the faintest idea.
I've never seen her before.

Oh, you fabulous man.

-Come love me.
-What?

-So you've never seen her before, eh?
-No, I don't understand.

I've waited for you so long.
Come to my arms. Hold me.

Oh, no, no. Please, young woman.
Try and control yourself.

-Oh, Flavia, dear. Help me. Do something.
-I'll do something.

(EXCLAIMS)

-Oh, now you're mine. Mine.
-Oh, no, my dear.

-Please, I adore you...
-No, no, no!

I can't find Nausius... Where's she gone?
She's gone.

Now, she was here a minute ago.
Now, you've been watching. Now, where she gone?

Well, she's drunk the wine. I can see that.
I hope one of you haven't got her. Have you?

Otherwise, you won't get any more free tickets.
I'll tell you that.

-Erotica.
-Oh.

-Oh, excuse me.
-Yes.

I had a message from Erotica to come here.

-Did you?
-She said the house would be empty.

Yes, I'm... Well.

Yes, I'm sorry about that.
I say, they're a crafty lot, this family. Yes.

-I'll wait for her, if you don't mind.
-Not at all.

I'm Prodigious.

Oh. Pardon?

I said, I am Prodigious.

Well, don't boast about it, because after all,
we all have our moments.

At least, I would if I could find my Ambrosia.
That's the point.

LUSHA: Wait, my darling!
Oh, don't be afraid, my love. Wait for me.

Lurcio, Lurcio. Help me. Oh, no. Lurcio!

Oh, look at him. The dirty old devil.

Take your hands off my Ambrosia. Come here.

How extraordinary.

If this is her idea of an empty house,
I wouldn't like to see a full one.

Oh, dear.

That's two I've lost. Two. Two I've lost.

I shouldn't wait around here if I were you, sir.
It's queuing in all parts at the moment.

You are so beautiful.

Er, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, dear.

Look, he's been on the dinky-donks.

I don't think if I've ever seen anyone so lovely.

-Saved by the belle.
-What are you doing here? You should be gone.

He's the one that's gone. Look, this is for you.
This is your piece. There.

-Oh, Prod.
-Oh, come. Let's be friends.

Oh, you dirty old Prod. Go on, hop it!

Prod, what are you doing? Come back here!

Of course you can come in, Buntus.
I told you, they're all out this evening.

Oh, quickly, dearest Buntus.
I've waited so long for this moment.

I, too, darling Ammonia.
How wonderful to have you alone at last.

Oh, dear.

Good evening.

-Oh, handsome one.
-Please come back to me, my love!

Mummy!

(ALL CLAMOURING)

Oh! What's the matter with everybody?
I thought you said that they would all be out.

They're supposed to be.
Wait here, Buntus, I'll find out what's going on.

AMMONIA: Ludicrus! Nausius! Lurcio!

Thought it was too good to be true.

EROTICA: Prod, Prod!

Have you seen a young gladiator come through?

Oh, you lovely little raver.

-Adorable! Come here!
-What? Oh, certainly not!

I love you!

(AMMONIA SHRIEKING)

With my own daughter! The humiliation of it!

Oh, dear.

Oh, at last I've shaken off that wicked old Prod.

I don't know about you, girl.
But, honestly, I've had it. I really have.

-Oh, Lurcio.
-Oh, mistress Ammonia, no!

Don't! Don't drink that!

Why not? Let go of it. I want it.

If you drink that, you'll definitely get it.
That's for sure.

Oh, moving time. Moving time.

-They're all mad.
-Lurcio, Lurcio, where are you?

Oh, come, let's be friends.

Oh, you beautiful young man, come to Ammonia.

No! No!

No, no, no, no. I'm an old man.

It's too much for me. I can't stand it any longer.

(ALL YELLING)

LUSHA: Wait for me, my love!

Stay away from me, woman. Stay away.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Half-time. Change ends.

It's gonna be no draws and four aways.

Oh, dear.

Oh, did you see that? Did you see that?

Did you see that going on in there?
All that going on in there.

But not me. I'm not a part of it. Nothing for me.
On my money, too, all that.

My 30... There was no justice, girl, no justice.

I tell you one... What, talk about Sexus Insanum?

It's worse than swinging Londinium this, isn't it?

I tell you one thing,
it'll put me off love philtres for life.

No more love philtres.

The next time I get the urge,
I'll have a cold bath instead.

No, I'll tell you what, I must... I'll pour the rest
of that love philtre, that wine, away.

'Cause it caused enough trouble as it is.
Where's it gone?

Who's pinched it? It was here! I left it here.

Here, one of you haven't got it, have you?

Heaven help your wife tonight if you have.
I'll tell you that.

Oh, well, I've done me best, haven't I?
I've done me best. It's not my responsibility.

Oh, no, back to work. Now, let's get on with it.
The prologue.

Woe, woe, woe!

Oh, dear. Here she is. Senna the woe-woe girl.

I know what you're gonna say, dear.

You're gonna say,
"The time has come, the end is here."

Oh, I do love you!

Oh, no! Oh, dear, she's on the philtre.
No, get away!