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ANNOUNCER:
On the last episode of Soap,
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Billy decidedto leave the Sunnies,
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only Reverend Sungdecided he couldn't
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and is keeping himagainst his will.
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Burt decided to find outif he really saw a spaceship,
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which might've beena bad decision
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because he saw another one
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and then vanished into thin air.
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And Jessica told Chester andDonahue she made a decision
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only she didn't tell themwhich one she decided on.
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Confused? You won't be
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if you decide to watchthis episode of... Soap.
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This is the storyof two sisters,
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Jessica Tate
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and Mary Campbell.
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These are the Tates.
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And these are Campbell's.
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And this is... Soap.
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You son of a...
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Oh!
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ANNOUNCER:
We begin this episode where we left off,
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with Jessica about toannounce her decision.
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I want you to know
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that I really never meant
to hurt either of you.
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But it seems that in order to be
with the man I love,
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I have to hurt
the other man I love.
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So I just don't know
what else to do.
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Does this mean
you've made a decision?
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Yes, I have.
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I have chosen one of you.
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Well?
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Well, I'm afraid one of you
is going to be hurt.
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Well, we know that Jess.
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Oh, it's so hard.
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It's not easy for us.
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Just say the name, Jess.
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Okay.
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I will.
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It's...
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It's...
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Ohhh...
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I can't.
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Me, Jess, me.
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Jessica, I assure you
whoever loses will take it well.
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Absolutely. If I lose,
and I don't expect to,
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I will remain perfectly calm.
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I will not eat my heart out.
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Why not? You eat
everything else.
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Shh, shh, Chester, Chester.
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00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,221
Jess, don't worry, if I lose,
and I don't expect to,
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I'll take it like a man.
A very little man.
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Gentlemen, stop that, please.
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We will be gentlemen, Jess.
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I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll write it down.
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Because I just...
I cannot say it.
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I just... I cannot.
I cannot say it.
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All right, I will put "yes"
on one sheet of paper
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and "no" on the other.
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And then I will put one
in each envelope,
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and I will hand them out.
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All right.
Okay.
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I'm ready.
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I will now hand out
the envelopes.
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Isn't this fun?
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It's just like
the Academy Awards.
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And the winner is...
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I'm so happy!
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Ohhh!
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Ohhh!
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Oh, God!
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Ohhh!
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Take it like a man,
you fat bull!
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Just one minute, please,
let me see.
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Did I...?
Did I do it wrong?
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Ohhh!
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I'm so sorry.
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Oh! Oh! Oh!
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No!
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No! No! No!
Give it to me.
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Mmm-mwah!
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00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:26,331
Is that a "no"?
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Yes.
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Did you mean a "no" there?
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Yes.
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That's what I thought.
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Then I...
I better leave.
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I respect your decision.
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I hate it, but I respect it.
I'll see myself to the door.
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Chester, he died.
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No, he didn't die,
Jessica, he fainted.
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Donahue!
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Donahue, you fool.
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Get up on your little feet.
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Oh, I'm so sorry.
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My legs just won't...
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Oh, goodness' sakes.
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Oh, I...
I feel nauseous too.
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Here we go.
Jess...
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00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:26,391
Just get up on your feet.
Here. Come right over here.
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There, sit down.
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00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:32,397
And now if I could
just spend the night,
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in the morning,
I'll be all right.
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Well, of course, poor baby.
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Forget it, I'll carry
him to his car.
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No!
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I'm too weak to drive!
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No, no!
Jess, no!
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You don't have to drive.
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You can stay here
until you feel better.
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Thank you, Jessica.
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Sorry, fat boy.
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Stay... calm.
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Stay calm. Just think.
Stay calm here.
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I'll just analyze the situation.
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00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:28,954
One of three things
is going on here.
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Either I'm dreaming
I'm on a spaceship,
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or...
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I'm on a spaceship...
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00:06:38,464 --> 00:06:39,965
or...
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I'm crazy.
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Ha! I'm dreaming.
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I'm in a dream!
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00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:55,480
This is what happens
when you eat pizza in bed, huh.
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00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:56,982
Wheep, wheep, wheep!
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00:06:56,983 --> 00:06:58,483
Whoop, whoop, whoop!
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00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:03,989
Ah. It's time
to wake up, though.
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00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:04,991
Wake up, Burt.
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00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:11,997
BURT: Burt. Burt. Hey, Burt.
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Wake up, Burt.
Burt!
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Come on, rise and shine, Burt!
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00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:32,518
Crazy's looking good here.
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00:07:35,521 --> 00:07:39,024
Oh, sir...
Um...
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Hey, pal...
I mean, excuse me,
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Uh, señor, pardonnez moi,por favor.
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00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:47,532
Uh, where am I?
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Just relax,
we will not hurt you.
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You're on our spaceship.
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00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:53,538
Oh, gracias, muchos gracias.
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00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:56,041
I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy!
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00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:58,544
I'm on a spaceship!
141
00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:04,549
You speak English?
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00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:07,052
Of course, we have studied you
Earth people for a long time.
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00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:08,553
We speak all your languages
fluently.
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00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:10,555
We read and write most of them.
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00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:12,057
We also disco.
146
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,565
You guys are... I love this!
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00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:23,068
I can't wait to get back
to Earth.
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00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:26,072
Wait till Mary hears this.
She thinks I'm crazy.
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00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:30,075
Listen, listen, if you guys
are finished here,
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00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:32,077
I'd like to get going,
but, psh, hey,
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let's keep in touch.
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00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,581
I'm afraid we cannot
let you go just yet.
153
00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:37,582
Well why, what do you need?
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00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:39,584
Another five, 10, 15
minutes, you got it.
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00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:41,086
Ask me, anything you wanna
know I'll tell you.
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If I could be home for
dinner, it would be nice.
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00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:45,590
I'm afraid you'll not be going
home for dinner.
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I won't?
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00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:48,593
No.
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00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:51,596
Hey, look, listen, pal.
Now wait a minute.
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I gotta go. My wife's
gonna be worried sick here.
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No, she will not.
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00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:57,603
You see, we are sending down
a replica of you.
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00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:01,106
What? What are you...?
What are you talking about?
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While you were unconscious,
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00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:04,109
we tapped into
your chromosome key.
167
00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:06,111
We can now produce
an exact copy of you.
168
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,613
You made another Burt Campbell?
169
00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:10,615
That is right.
He's your double.
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00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:12,117
Your wife will never know
he is not you.
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00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:16,621
My double. Ha-ha, I love it!
This is terrific!
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Let me see my double.
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Here he is.
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00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:26,632
She'll know.
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00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:32,637
Oh, no, you see, he has
not been transformed yet.
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He will enter
your duplicate body,
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00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:35,140
and we will beam him down.
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He will look exactly like you.
Your wife will never know.
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00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:38,643
What do you mean?
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00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:40,645
You mean Mary's gonna think
that he's really me?
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00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:42,147
Yes.
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00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:49,654
Why is...? Why is he jumping up
and down like that?
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00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:51,656
It is nothing.
No, come on.
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00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:52,657
What's the matter with him?
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00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:54,159
He is just a little excited.
186
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,660
Yeah, but about what?
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00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,663
Going down to Earth.
Living in your house.
188
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:01,666
Oh, he's... No, wait.
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00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,669
You're not gonna let him...
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00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:07,672
I mean he's not gonna...
191
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,675
Sleep with your wife?
192
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,182
Why do you think
he's jumping up and down?
193
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:21,687
He has not had sex
in 2000 years.
194
00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:35,700
Happy anniversary, Jodie.
195
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,202
Ohhh...
196
00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:43,208
You're the best thing
I ever had in my life.
197
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:44,210
And you in mine.
198
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:49,715
Three months together.
Mm.
199
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,717
How come you have four candles?
200
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,720
Well, I wanna
throw away the box.
201
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:02,227
You know, I think
relationships are better
202
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:05,231
when there's no sex
to screw things up.
203
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,240
Hi, Jodie.
204
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:17,243
Remember me?
205
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:20,745
Mrs. David.
206
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:21,746
Hi.
207
00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:22,747
Oh!
208
00:11:22,748 --> 00:11:24,249
Hello there.
209
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:28,253
This is Alice, Alice this is
Mrs. David, Carol's mother.
210
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,254
Oh.
211
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:32,758
So... you're not
a homo anymore?
212
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,262
Jodie was my first homo.
213
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:41,266
Uh, no, Mrs. David.
I'm still a homo.
214
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:43,268
But you're with a girl.
215
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,270
Well, we're both homos.
216
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,273
What's so funny?
217
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:50,776
A girl homo.
218
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:54,779
There's no such thing
as a girl homo.
219
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:56,781
Yes, there is.
220
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,283
A girl homo?
221
00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:00,285
What do they call 'em, homettes?
222
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,290
Oh, Jodie.
223
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,791
I got a little surprise for you.
224
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:08,793
What is it?
I'll bring it in.
225
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:10,295
"Homettes." "Homettes."
226
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,800
Ta-dah!
227
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:19,304
Is that...?
228
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,806
Your daughter.
229
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:26,812
Carol wanted you to see her.
That's why I made the trip.
230
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,438
That's my daughter.
231
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,321
She don't do much.
232
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:40,325
JODIE:
Would you look at her?
233
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:43,328
Now, Jodie, I don't like
to impose or anything,
234
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:46,331
but I'm a little afraid
of staying in a hotel
235
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:47,832
with all the raping
and murdering
236
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,834
that goes on in this city.
237
00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:51,836
The cab driver told me
238
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,338
that over half the men
in New York
239
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,841
are either junkies,
muggers or lawyers.
240
00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,844
Mrs. David, you're welcome
to stay here with us.
241
00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:01,346
Alice?
Sure.
242
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,348
Oh, I sure do appreciate it.
243
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:04,849
Do you wanna hold her?
244
00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:07,352
Oh, I don't know how.
245
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:08,353
Oh, it's simple.
246
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:09,854
You just pick her up
247
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:13,858
the way you pick up
a frozen turkey at the market.
248
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:14,859
Go ahead.
249
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:16,361
Watch her head.
Okay.
250
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:20,365
See?
Oh, she likes you.
251
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,369
That's right.
252
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,872
Now you cradle her in your arms.
253
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,377
There you are.
254
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:34,879
I'm afraid I'm gonna drop her.
255
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,382
Oh, I was dropped
when I was a baby.
256
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:45,890
That's why I can't do math.
Ha ha!
257
00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:48,393
Well, how do you like her?
258
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:50,395
She's terrific.
259
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:52,397
This is so strange, though.
260
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:54,399
Oh, she's your daughter.
261
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,400
It's my daughter.
262
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:58,403
Do you believe it?
It's my daughter?
263
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,905
This is my daughter.
264
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:01,906
What's her name?
265
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:03,408
Her name's Wendy.
266
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,911
Wendy.
267
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:09,414
It's very nice
to meet you, Wendy.
268
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:12,917
Well, if I'm gonna stay here,
269
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,919
I better go get
my things out of the cab.
270
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,421
You left the cab
waiting all this time?
271
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:19,424
Yes. Your fare'll be more
than your trip from Texas.
272
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:21,426
MRS. DAVID:
Oh, my goodness.
273
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,928
Hey.
274
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:26,931
Hey. Hey, Wendy. Hmm?
275
00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:29,434
Hey, hello.
276
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:32,937
You look just like me,
you know that?
277
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:35,940
Well, you should.
You're my kid. Hmm?
278
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:38,943
You got big brown eyes and...
279
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:41,446
cute little nose...
280
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:42,947
chin.
281
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:44,449
You have fingers.
282
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:48,453
And fingernails.
283
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,954
Ohhh...
284
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:53,958
Hey, you sure
are pretty. Hmm?
285
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:56,461
Even partially bald,
you're gorgeous.
286
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,466
Yeah.
287
00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:06,971
Oh, boy, Wendy.
288
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:08,973
It was so much easier
289
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:12,477
when I didn't know
anything about you.
290
00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:14,979
'Cause now that I've seen you...
291
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:16,982
and now that I've held you...
292
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:20,485
I never wanna let you go.
293
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:21,486
No.
294
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:24,989
Don't cry. That's it.
295
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:38,503
Morning.
296
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:41,005
Look at my face, Corinne,
tell me what you see.
297
00:15:41,006 --> 00:15:42,507
You want the truth?
298
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:46,010
I've got bags under my eyes,
Corinne, big, big bags.
299
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:49,013
I look like a basset hound,
and it's all your fault.
300
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:51,516
No, Eunice,
I think it's heredity.
301
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,017
Heredity and, uh...
302
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,519
age.
303
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:59,524
No, Corinne. It is because I did
not sleep one wink last night,
304
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:03,027
not one wink because that child
of yours kept crying.
305
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:04,529
Isn't there something
you can do?
306
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:07,532
Eunice, he's just an infant.
307
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,034
Well, discipline him,
for God sakes.
308
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,036
I mean the baby cries all night,
309
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:15,039
and then you and Tim have
a fight and you cry all night,
310
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,041
and then Donahue walks up
and down the halls
311
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:18,543
and he cries all night.
312
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:20,545
And then I sit up and get bags.
313
00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:24,549
Donahue, you are not making
an effort to leave the house.
314
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:27,552
Looking out the window
is not making an effort.
315
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:29,053
But, listen, I'm trying,
316
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:32,056
but every time I get
to the front door, I throw up.
317
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:35,059
If you wouldn't eat,
you wouldn't throw up.
318
00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:37,062
If you wouldn't eat,
you wouldn't get fat.
319
00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:41,065
You turn my stomach.
320
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:44,069
A plow couldn't turn
your stomach.
321
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:47,071
Squirrel.
322
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:48,072
Pinhead.
323
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:49,574
Bacteria.
Fatty.
324
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,576
Weasel.
Lard bucket!
325
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:57,081
Look, everybody,
look who just came.
326
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,083
Benson's back.
327
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:00,085
Benson!
328
00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:06,591
Okay, okay, okay, that's enough
touching and grabbing. Okay.
329
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:07,592
Look at that.
330
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:11,095
Benson comes home and
everybody stops fighting.
331
00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:14,098
Benson walks through the door
and everybody's happy.
332
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,600
Except Benson.
333
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:17,602
Hi.
334
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:19,604
Hi. What's...? What's he...?
335
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:23,107
Oh, no, Detective Donahue's
not really living here.
336
00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:24,108
See, he's just staying here
337
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:27,612
until he stops passing out
and throwing up.
338
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,617
You chose Chester.
Hmm.
339
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,620
Don't I get to vote?
340
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:38,122
Oh, welcome back, Bellson.
341
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,625
I'm not back. I'm just here
because we got a problem.
342
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,627
What's the problem?
Billy.
343
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:45,129
I just came from that church.
Billy's in a lot of trouble.
344
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,131
I think they're keeping him
against his will.
345
00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:49,133
Against his...?
What?
346
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:50,134
I'll phone the police.
347
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,135
No, I did that already.
348
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,137
You see this can take
a lot of time
349
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:54,639
what with constitutional
freedoms and everything.
350
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,641
What we have to do
is go in there after him.
351
00:17:56,642 --> 00:17:59,143
Right. I'll go
and check with Ike.
352
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:02,647
Benson, why are they
keeping him there?
353
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,649
Well, I think
he's being brainwashed.
354
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:06,150
Oh, my God!
Oh, no.
355
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:08,653
They say he isn't there,
but I know he is.
356
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,655
Chester, our Billy.
357
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,156
I'll get him out, Jess.
358
00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:14,659
If I have to break in there
myself I'll get him out.
359
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:16,160
That's what
we're gonna have to do.
360
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,161
Excuse me.
361
00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:19,163
Daddy, you gotta
think of something.
362
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,164
Excuse me, please.
363
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,165
Major.
364
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:22,667
But I have an idea.
365
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:24,168
We've gotta get him out
of there.
366
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:25,670
I can get him out.
367
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:28,172
Maybe we should call
Channel 7 news.
368
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:32,678
Attention, damn it!
369
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:40,184
Now I know sometimes
you don't like to listen to me,
370
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:41,686
and sometimes
I can understand why,
371
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:43,688
but you must
all listen to me now.
372
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:44,690
Major...
Shut up.
373
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:48,693
Now, look here.
374
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:50,194
This is the Silver Star.
375
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:52,196
It was presented to me
by General Patton.
376
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:54,699
This is a Bronze Star,
I earned two of them.
377
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,702
And... this is the Purple Heart.
378
00:18:57,703 --> 00:19:00,705
Harry Truman pinned that
on me himself.
379
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:05,710
Now, I know you think
I'm a foolish old man.
380
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:10,214
And sometimes I am,
but that's my grandson in there.
381
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:12,216
I got all of these
382
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:15,219
because I was a good soldier,
I still am.
383
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:18,222
I can get him out.
I can do it.
384
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:21,726
So you all had better listen
to this old fool,
385
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:26,731
because... that's our little boy.
386
00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:30,234
All right, Daddy,
we're listening.
387
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:32,237
Go ahead, sir,
tell us your plan.
388
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:35,240
What plan?
389
00:19:40,245 --> 00:19:43,748
MAJOR:
Well, gentlemen, there's the plan.
390
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:50,755
Any questions?
391
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,256
I don't believe this.
392
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:55,760
I don't believe that I've
allowed myself to do this.
393
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:58,262
Donahue, will you stop
complaining.
394
00:19:58,263 --> 00:20:00,765
Benson, I'm not Donahue.
395
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:03,267
You're not?
396
00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:04,769
No, Benson.
397
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,773
It's amazing,
you all look alike.
398
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,276
Very funny, Benson.
399
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,278
And I want to thank you
personally
400
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:16,280
for convincing us
to listen to the Major.
401
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:18,282
Yeah, he said he had a plan.
402
00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:20,785
I didn't know he was gonna form
a basketball team.
403
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:23,287
We're a man short.
404
00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:25,790
You're a man short.
405
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:28,292
You're a man fat.
406
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:29,293
Come on, guys.
407
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:30,294
Now, colonel,
408
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:33,297
I want you to climb up
the north wall,
409
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,298
and, Corporal Donahue,
410
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,801
you stay down
with the grappling hook.
411
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:40,304
Major, could we change places?
Heights make me queasy.
412
00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:42,807
Hey, so far eight different
things have made you queasy.
413
00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:44,809
Why don't you just
stay here and eat?
414
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:47,812
Why don't you stay here
and grow?
415
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:48,813
Come on.
416
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,314
Oh, Benson?
417
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:51,315
Oh, I am so sorry.
418
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:53,818
I didn't know
you were entertaining.
419
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:58,823
Jessica.
420
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:00,826
Jessica, it's me.
421
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:06,331
Chester, you are not a Negro.
422
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:12,336
I know that, dear.
We're rescuing Billy.
423
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:13,838
And then we're all
going downtown
424
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:15,841
to pick up some white women.
425
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:23,848
All right now, let's recap.
426
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:26,852
Good idea. This one is
much too big for me.
427
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:33,357
Oh, my boys are all
going off to battle,
428
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:35,359
and I feel so proud.
429
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,861
She's proud.
430
00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:38,863
I'm going off to war
with the Ritz Brothers,
431
00:21:38,864 --> 00:21:40,365
and she's proud.
432
00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:44,368
Chester, I am frightened.
433
00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:47,371
I mean, I know that that's
our little boy in there
434
00:21:47,372 --> 00:21:48,873
and I'm frightened for him.
435
00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:50,875
But I'm frightened for you too.
436
00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:53,377
Don't worry, Jess.
I'll get him back.
437
00:21:53,378 --> 00:21:56,881
I'll bring our son home.
I promise.
438
00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:04,388
All right.
It's almost the zero hour.
439
00:22:04,389 --> 00:22:06,390
Let's synchronize watches.
440
00:22:06,391 --> 00:22:07,391
1:32.
441
00:22:07,392 --> 00:22:09,894
1:47.
442
00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:10,895
6 on the nose.
443
00:22:10,896 --> 00:22:13,398
Close enough.
Move out.
444
00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:33,918
Burt!
445
00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:34,919
Burt!
446
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,421
Ohhh...
447
00:22:38,423 --> 00:22:41,425
I've been so worried.
448
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:42,426
Where have you been?
449
00:22:42,427 --> 00:22:43,427
Mary?
450
00:22:43,428 --> 00:22:45,429
Oh, never mind.
451
00:22:45,430 --> 00:22:47,932
I thank God you're home.
452
00:22:52,437 --> 00:22:53,938
Oh, Burt.
453
00:22:53,939 --> 00:22:55,440
Burt, I love you.
454
00:22:59,444 --> 00:23:01,445
You must be starving.
455
00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:02,947
I'll get you something to eat.
456
00:23:11,456 --> 00:23:12,957
We'll eat later.
457
00:23:15,961 --> 00:23:17,462
Whoo-hoo-hoo hoo-hooo!
458
00:23:27,472 --> 00:23:29,974
ANNOUNCER:
Has Jessica made the right decision?
459
00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:32,977
Will Donahue ever feelwell enough to leave the house?
460
00:23:32,978 --> 00:23:35,980
Now that Jodie doesn't wantto let his baby daughter go,
461
00:23:35,981 --> 00:23:37,481
is he in for a tug of war?
462
00:23:37,482 --> 00:23:40,484
Will Mary realize that Burtisn't really Burt?
463
00:23:40,485 --> 00:23:42,486
What's going to happento the real Burt?
464
00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:45,990
And after being withthe new Burt, will Mary care?
465
00:23:45,991 --> 00:23:47,491
Will the Major's plan work?
466
00:23:47,492 --> 00:23:49,493
If it doesn't,can they do The Gong Show?
467
00:23:49,494 --> 00:23:51,495
These questions and many others
468
00:23:51,496 --> 00:23:53,497
will be answeredon the next episode of...
469
00:23:53,498 --> 00:23:54,999
Soap.
470
00:23:59,004 --> 00:24:02,007
ANNOUNCER: Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.
32292
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